Oversharing - Can I Ask For A Plus One To My Friend’s Wedding?

Episode Date: November 5, 2024

Today on Oversharing, Jordana and Naomi talk about their whirlwind talk show experience (more info to come in a few months!), and embracing situations that push you out of your comfort zone. Our Overshare comes from a Betch who can’t help but compare her boyfriend’s family’s excellent hosting skills with her family’s lack thereof. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a listener who wonders if it’s too late to a secure a plus one to her friend’s wedding. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for running into a cheating ex at an event. And we’re feeling triggered by resumé advice and gifts that miss the mark. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. So great to see you.

It was such an exciting week last week because we got to have a surprise, very short reunion. Oh my gosh. I got a hug. I got to see you. It was one of the craziest experiences. So let's tell everybody what happened. I randomly got to see you in the middle of the week on a Wednesday. We got invited to be on TV. Yes. We got invited to dual segment on talk show, not out for a bit, but it was like kind of a whirlwind thing where I think they reached out like Sunday. And then Wednesday you were like, you're in New York, like, blown out. We were like, and I think I saw you for probably 45 minutes. Right. It was crazy. Everyone was like, how's your down? I'm like,

I literally don't really know. I saw her for a total of 45 minutes. It was, that was the craziest part, was that you came towards the tail end and it was like felt like celeb status. Like you walked in, they put a mic on you and like rushed you out to the stage. And we'd, did our little bit and then I basically gave you a hug goodbye. And your car, right, our cars were there and we like, we're out. It was insane. Yeah, because I was, I mean, I had like some pre like pre set like stuff that I was doing that day. So I couldn't make it there towards the end. And then when I, when I, when I finally got there towards the like like, like right before we were supposed to go on,

I felt like I was in the Wizard of Oz where like, you know, there's like 17 people primping them at the same time. So they're like taking my band-aids off. Yeah, it was crazy. I mean, the other thing that was crazy about this is that we didn't find out until Sunday night, basically, that we were going to be recording this on Wednesday. And I obviously live in Dallas.

So had to last minute, I flew in and flew out all in the same day, which I've never done. That's just that experience, even if it wasn't about being on. TV was crazy. Like the idea that I was like I was in my bed this morning in my house and then I was like in this middle of New York City and then back in my bed like that same night in Dallas was just crazy. It's kind of incredible like the time that we live in where that's a possibility that like

you know, it's funny like you think about it. Like people used to spend like 10 years. getting from like your house. Right, like a horse and buggy and like, yeah, storms and weather. A few people would die along the way. Like,

and now you're there and back one day. It really is crazy. I mean, and it's the experience for me, I don't know about you, you're probably more in this world. I'm not really in this world, but it was like the whole going and being,

it was so out of my comfort zone that, I mean, the funniest thing was like, I'm not fashionable. I don't really have clothes for this type of, of thing. So the night before. You got an aesthetic. But it's, it's, it's my aesthetic is like not a trendy TV aesthetic. Um, my aesthetic is like either, yeah, athleisure or like flowy like Palazzo

pants and like a t-shirt. And that's not, you know, I was getting the advice that that's like not what you wear on TV. I call it Vermont craft store, uh, owner. Yes. like a stitched, like knitted bag that's like a, like a bowho. Satchel boho. So, but I don't think that's like the look when you're going to New York City to be on TV. So I consulted my trendiest friend and we did like a FaceTime in my closet. And she's in her closet and I can see like the background of her in like color-coded enormous closet with like 20 off white shirts and then another like 20. like 20 white shirts.

The options were endless, like an accessory closet. And so I'm face-timing her with my closet. And she's like, oh, okay. She's just like, okay, let's see what we can do with this. And I'm like pulling out stuff.

So I ended up, when you saw me, you must have been like, this isn't your typical look, like the look that I wore. It was a little more like office seat. Ethan, you would wear. Yes.

So I ended up wearing my like grad school interview like skirt suit. Right. Literally haven't worn it in 15 years. The last time I wore it, I think was on a grad school interview. But like out of everything that she saw in there, she's like, all right, I think we're going to go with that. And I was like, these flowing pants, like beaded necklace. She's like, uh-uh, nope. But so the weird thing is I'm kind of like, did I do?

do the right thing. I got good feedback. I think it looked good and professional, but it's not my like. I thought you looked great. Thank you. But I see what yours is it, is it like when you, when you're kind of going back and forth on it, are you like I should have, should I have dressed more true to myself? Yes, that's the question. Should I have dressed more true to myself or more like TV trendy like this is what the look is? Right. Well, I think it's kind of a mix, right? And I had this because we did like a, we did a, I've done a number of photo shoots in my life. And I think similarly to you, like we're not from the most fashionable family. I think my entire childhood, I was wearing other people's clothing. Right. That was usually too big or too small on me. It was kind of like,

I remember my friends making fun of me for wearing like Tabat Mitzvah in like seventh grade. I was wearing like our mom's like 45 weird old woman like stiletto. Yes. You can always tell when you're wearing like one of mom's garments, which is like, you know. Right. Because it's not even like our mom is trendy either. So like imagine a 13 year old wearing like an untrendy 45 year olds. Right. Right. Or whatever, however old she was at the time. So I totally feel that. Whenever I have those things, I'm always like, I just kind of like, just tell me what to do. Yeah. So I can like, don't have to think about it because I want to get in and out this thing without, with like as little mental energy as I possibly can. Yes. And that's why I called

my friend Ellen and I was like, tell me what to wear and I'll wear it. And then I put it on and everyone else liked it and I think it went over well. But for me, it was almost that feeling of like, you know, it's funny. Going back, when I was a teenager, I was like a total tomboy like in my like tweens and teens. And whenever I had to put on a dress, I had this feeling. of like uncomfortable in my skin. Like I just was like, this isn't me. I don't feel right. Until I hit like my probably mid to almost late 20s was I like, oh, wow, I really like

wearing a dress. But before that, it always felt like not me and I'm not comfortable in my skin in this. And that's almost how it felt like in the, you know, the little like, I don't know what that outfit's called, like a, you know, skirt suit. I would say it would be more like traditional therapist. Yes. It was very traditional therapist. And you told me not to go with the glasses on top of the traditional therapist.

I just thought you looked hotter without them. All right. And you had your makeup done. I was also like, but that was what I was trying to say with the glasses was like you don't wear glasses usually. That's not like how you look. And I think it's a little bit of a mix. Like if you were like if your go-to outfit was like a bikini,

like you wouldn't wear that on TV. So I think it's okay to like modify. what you're like number like I don't like wearing shoes I'm not going to not wear shoes to work or like whatever like I think it's okay to not be like your most authentic true self in every single moment yeah of um every single day when the occasion presents itself like you know that's all about what being a bridesmaids about yes wearing something that you don't really want to wear totally but you looked great thank you yeah the whole experience was it was interesting for me to be like pushed so out of my comfort zone because I usually am like I don't I meditate and

like I usually I'm very good at being able to catch myself like ruminating and this experience was so new for me that it was you know I really did have to it was like game time like I needed to put in the work and catch myself ruminating before and after and but yeah it was a really cool experience and I'm glad I got to see you. Same. Yeah. I hope we'll have more of those kinds of experiences.

I, just like you, kind of hate them too. I mean, I mean, like, hate is like a strong word, but I also don't feel like, oh,

this is, I'm like TV woman. Like, you know, like the hosts of the shows or like TV anchors, like they always feel like they kind of like

were born to be there. And they're, that's their job, that they are. And it's funny, like, it just makes you think about like everyone's individualized job

in the world, like even your friend Ellen. that comes so naturally to her. Yes. Like she probably, this would probably be her favorite part of going on TV. Yes. Oh,

she was so excited when I called her. She was like, I'm on it. Like, yes. Right. Like, if she had the opportunity to go on TV,

like this would be like the best part of it for her. Yes. Yes. And just like things that, but that come, but maybe hearing someone's like intense story and then having to like calm them down would be like her nightmare.

Yes. Yes. And it really is kind of along those lines. other part that I found really interesting was leading up to it, I was just kind of like, kind of talking to myself and being like, just be you, just do what you do. And I knew you were going to be there and like we have this great comfortable rapport and we talk all the time. And I was like, just go in there, be you and do what you do. And then when you get there and it's TV, it's like, nope, that plan of just be you and do what you do is kind of out the window because they're in

control and everything is like quick, quick, quick. Like, we kind of wax and wane and we go on and on and there's none of that like on on TV. It's very, it's very quick in and out. So that was, you know, adjusting to that of like, okay, you make a plan of how you're going to do it. And then you show up and the plan is like out the window. But yeah, overall, it was one of those experiences that was like uncomfortable, but you're glad that you push yourself through.

Yes, I totally agree with that, with any kind of scenario, honestly, like that, where it's like a very cool experience. It's like a very like great thing to have the opportunity while you're physically doing it. You feel like I think that also like the lead up is more anxiety provoking than when you're actually on there. And then you leave and you're done. I don't know if this is relatable to anyone. Obviously, this is quite specific.

No, I'm sure it is. If you have to give a presentation in front of a new. audience or anything that you're doing that's like pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. It's so like that's why I bring up the whole idea of like this was my plan of how it was going to go. And then it doesn't go that way. There is this kind of physical activation that happens and being able to just breathe and stay calm and be like, okay, this isn't how I thought it was going to be. But that doesn't mean that it's not going well. It just means that it's going differently.

So I hope this is relatable. I think it is because lots of people are pushed to do things, whether it's for work or a family thing or whatever, that's sort of out of your comfort zone. Yeah, I think people can relate to this. Yeah, you're right. You're right. Well, I'm excited for you guys to see it,

and it'll be out in a few months. And I just wanted to let you guys know that if you, you know, we don't really talk about them a lot. We have these meditations out for our subscribers. Also, if you subscribe, you can get the episodes ad-free. So if you want to subscribe, you can subscribe on Apple or you can subscribe at podcast.betches.com. And yeah, let us know what you want from subscription content if you want.

Also, you can email us at oversharing at betches.com. Like, let us know what kind of things you guys would enjoy from the subscription because we want to make it better for you. We want to have an even smaller community of people who are really excited and engaging with the show. So let us know what you would want from an over. we're sharing subscription. Yeah, we have quite a large library of very situation-specific meditations. So if you want access to that, it's for, I guarantee anyone that subscribes will find several

meditations that are useful for them for little things that come up in life or recording a couple more this afternoon that I think are going to be really helpful. And they're short. So it's like, get in, get out, get your head straight, and move on with your day kind of thing. Yes, exactly. for the betcha on the go. And if you want something a little more than that, Naomi, do you have any space in your group? Yeah, so I have rolling a mission in my groups. I have a couple daytime groups for those of you that work from home

or that have hours that would be conducive for that. I have a few spaces. My groups are Monday. If you need an evening, they're Monday evenings. So if you have a Monday evening open and you're interested in joining, it's really, I can't say enough about my group. and the way that people don't really think about group therapy as a great modality to get the mental health help that you need or that little bit of extra support. And I know it's really daunting to think about like sharing your personal details with other people.

But it's exactly like what we're talking about today. If you can push past that little bit of discomfort of like if you've only been in one-on-one traditional talk therapy, it might feel a little bit uncomfortable at first. first, but pretty much everyone that joins, whether they stay for a month or you stay for two years, feel like it's a really life-changing, meaningful experience to hear what other people are going through, share what you're going through, and different than what you're going to get from your friends, because they're not, everyone's totally removed from your life. They're not going to judge whatever's going on. And everyone's at different stages of life, too.

which is a really nice dynamic. So yeah, reach out to me. Check out my website, Naomi Bernstein.com. All the info is on there. You can also get on a wait list for individual or couples therapy. If that's something you're looking for, obviously not so much room there as there are in the groups. But yeah, reach out. I want to hear from our oversharing community.

I'd love to meet you all. Yeah, check it out. New website is awesome, beautiful. Thanks. Naomi Bernstein.com. That's it? Naomiburnstein.com. Yeah.

Easy enough to remember. Naomi Bernstein.com. And guys, if you want to email us oversharing at Betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646-363-6294. We've got great voicemails. It's nice to listen to them. Also, it's nice to not have to read them. And yeah, let's just jump right into our show, shall we? All right.

Let's do it. All right. Our first overshunds. share. I'll read it. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I've listened to every oversharing episode, but hearing Jordana talk about hosting on You Up, hit a chord with me. I related so much to Jordana's story about Mike eating before going to Durana's mom's house. Oh, yeah, Jeff eats before he comes over as well. Yeah, I mean, like, you might, you know, I think I, I think I talked about this on You Up, yeah, where you're like, you'll come and, like, they'll be like, she'll be like,

oh, yeah, I got like edamami for everyone. Yeah, well, it was once like, I, I think, I I forget what it was. It was like Passover or some big Jewish holiday. And this was one of his first holidays. He shows up and there's like literally no food. She's like, all right, let's get some stuff. I think I have some blenses in the freezer. And I'm like, everyone's here. Like what? So he just like, the planning cannot start when the people are. Right. He came in. Maybe it wasn't Passover. But he came in and like just ordered sushi. And he just like solved the problem. And to the house and everyone was like, oh, my God, who is this guy? He's the best. You need him at like every family meal. Yeah, I think I remember that, save the day. So, okay, I'm glad they're on the same page. You know, at least in that they know what to do.

Yeah. Anyway, my boyfriend and I are in a similar boat with my parents. Whenever we visit my boyfriend's parents, they always have snacks, cheeseboard, and drinks ready as soon as we arrive, which makes me feel so welcome. That's exactly how it is when I go to Mike's parents' house. That's nice. It's like the opposite. Like so, like maybe too much food.

Right. A lot of food. And toilet paper in the bathroom. Yes. Wow. Get all the goods. In contrast, my parents are consistently at least 30 minutes behind when dinner was planned.

And there's not a single appetizer or light snack in sight. Every time we go over, I stress out because, well, my parents are the bad hosts. What's worse is that our families differ in other ways, too. My mom always expects my boyfriend to help clean up. My dad, never. Don't even get me started. But at his family's house, we're treated like guests and aren't allowed to lift a finger. If I ever suggested my parents treat us like guests, they'd be horrified. Similar to Duran's mom, I don't think mine ever liked hosting.

She probably sees all the extra frills like appetizers as unnecessary and expensive. I've tried to be a better host when she comes to our house, hoping it would rub off on her. But so far, no luck. My boyfriend has accepted this reality, but I still wish there was a way I could nudge my parents in the right direction without creating tension. Do you have any advice on how to manage my stress and overwhelm when we visit, knowing that the hosting experience is going to be subpar and the holidays are nearing? Should I just bring the appetizer so we're not hangary or nudge them to change?

Help. Postless with the mostest. All right. Yeah, I mean, I don't know where you stand. My feeling is a leper is not going to change its spots. I don't think you're going to model the behavior and then she's going to start or they are going to start doing it. I don't think that's going to happen. I think if you want it, then I like her idea of like bring it, just you bring it. You bring it. Or you host. Some people

just like aren't good at things. I think like, obviously like I think there is a sense of like a good host does make you feel like I think it's the whole being welcomed thing about it, which does feel like a deeper thing than like, oh, they're just bad at this. Right. Like do they really want us here? Right. If they wanted us, they'd put a little more effort in. Exactly. It's almost like if you're like boyfriend's mom forgot your name, it'd be like, well, there's like a thing that you're bad at. And then there's like a thing that shows that you like,

there's a deeper meaning behind it. So I can totally see why it feels like it's a reflection on her parents' character, which it is maybe a little bit. Right. Yeah. And I, the interesting thing here is that I do think when you get married and you see your partner's family of origin and then your family of origin. There's this interesting dance that happens between like there's a lot of times big differences. So there's this dance around do I lean in

and do I say, okay, your way is better. I want my parents to be more like you or I want our family to be more like yours or is there like a rebellion, which I think sometimes happens, which is like, oh, that's not a big deal. It doesn't really matter. I think it's stupid. because you're trying to preserve, like, the integrity of where you grew up. So I admire her for kind of being like, I don't really like the way my family does this. I kind of like the way your family does this. Let me lean over and try to, you know, maybe when they host, like you're saying, she can take a cue from his side.

But I do think there is this very interesting thing that happens when you're combining two different people that came from two different families. and sometimes you just are like lean in too hard or rebel. So it is interesting that she's noticing this and actually trying to do something about it. And then you kind of have to start your own traditions, which it seems like, again, it's nice that she feels like a little bit, she wants to do things differently than the way she was brought up.

So like how do you got, like, you know, we come from the same family. How do you guys host? Yeah. Like in the Jeff way or in the, our way? We host in the Jeff way because he does it, you know, And there is that, I guess, if I'm being honest, there's this part of me that's kind of like, I don't know if it's protective or if it's just, that's what you're used to, that's like, all right, if there's no cheeseboard, like everyone's going to live.

Right. I have the same kind of conversations with him where I'm like, I agree that it shouldn't be like our mom's house where there's like nothing there. People are hungry. But I am, I think we lean a little bit more towards like efficiency. So I'm very much like, even when we're talking about what we're going to get, he's always leaning towards like, like more more and I'm always leaning towards like that seems wasteful or that seems like too much yeah no one's going to eat that totally yeah and we're I mean in our house we ended up with a good yin yang because Jeff's the same way he's always like more is better and then I'm like oh my gosh

we have so much food this is crazy but but I think I've influenced him a little bit so he's a little bit less of an over-orderer or an overmaker and he's influenced me where I'm kind of like oh he's going to be he's going to laugh at me if I do the thing again where I under order or I don't make enough. So I'm mindful of trying to lean in that direction too. But it is an interesting dynamic. The thing that I think about is like if it's sometimes it becomes stressful. Like I think a lot of people who have parents or are themselves really good hosts

get really worked up and stressed out. Right. And to me, I'm like, that's when it becomes not worth it. Like if you're going to spend the whole day irritable and, you know, worked up about, like, getting everything perfect, that's when I'm kind of like, all right, no one's going to die here if, like, the cheese isn't cut up into cubes and somebody has to, like, cut a piece of cheese or whatever it is, you know? Right.

Let's just relax, make the whole day stressful because, you know. So yeah and I agree if there's two people in the relationship it's in one person is better at it Let them yeah go for it let them take the lead I've said because now that our house is about to be finished I'm like well we're gonna be like hosting like your family for like holidays and stuff I'm like yeah I'm like and we were talking about I'm like oh yeah like we could probably just get catered And he's like well he's like like that's not how like we like do things right I'm like all right Well, then, like, I look forward to enjoying whatever you put together. Oh, that'll be interesting.

He's like, no, the woman of the house, aka the equivalent of my mom, makes the prepares the food. You're like, ah, didn't really sign up for that job. Right. Like in his family, that would be embarrassing. Right. In our family, it would be, like, embarrassing to put out whatever you, like, scrap together because no one knows how to cook. Yeah. We make it sounds like so much fun at our house.

No, and actually it's more about the love and the laughs and the vibe. The food is definitely secondary. But there is a lot of fun. There's a lot of good times. It's just the food is not the center of the, not the star of the show. Yes. And I understand this listener's predicament because she's, it's like her boyfriend.

So it's not like they have a home. They don't, they probably, I assume they don't live together. It's not like they're hosting. No. most people who are in like a boyfriend stage are not hosting people for the holidays. So she's kind of like, we kind of have to go,

like they do have to be like the ones to host because we don't really have the capability to like put this on ourselves. Right. Or they're also because they're not married, there might be this fear of like judgment. Oh, she doesn't come from a good family or, you know, like some kind of that he or his family

are sizing them up. based on the hosting capabilities of her family. So I could see that, too, as brewing as an insecurity. So, yeah, I think the solution is if you want it done, you're going to have to do it yourself. Right. Do you think she can say something when her mom asks the boyfriend to, like, help clean up? That's another thing. I honestly, I don't think that's so crazy.

Maybe I'm wrong. I don't think it's crazy either. It's kind of annoying that the dad doesn't do anything, but like the boyfriend does. I do think that's like a little weird. Yeah, and I also think it's the right thing to do when you go to someone's place to like offer to help. So if the mom says, sure, thanks, can you take the dishes off the table? I don't think it's so crazy. That's my opinion.

I think a lot of people do feel like you're a guest. You should be treated as a guest and that is one school of thought. But that part to me is the least of it. I think it's okay, especially maybe it would make you feel better if he comes forward and offers to help before. her having to ask him, which then feels awkward. And then eventually just get to our solution. You tell him to eat before, bring some pigs in a blanket. Yeah, get his apron on and get ready to get your hands dirty.

That's it. Exactly. And then eventually, like, if, again, this can be solved once you have your own home and you can do, you can take over that role. Totally. Well, thanks for the question. I do think it's relatable. Good holiday question for sure as they approach.

All right. You want to read our bedges this? Yes, I will read this. Hello, I love the podcast and have listened to every episode. I have an issue with my friend's wedding. I need help navigating. My friend recently invited me to her wedding, but didn't give me a plus one. At the time invites were sent out, I was single, but in the month since I've started dating someone. I was also included in the bachelor's party, even though I'm not a bridesmaid. Is it rude to ask for a plus one now, about two months out from the wedding? She hasn't met my boyfriend yet, and I'd understand if she's, She wouldn't want people she doesn't know at her wedding.

However, at the Bachelorette party, I overheard some of the bridesmaids talking about how they were bringing their boyfriends and were so excited for the bride to finally get to meet them at the wedding. Is there a tactful way to ask? Is there an amount of time I should be dating someone before it's acceptable to bring them to a wedding? It's been several months now for my boyfriend and I am not sure how to navigate this and don't want to add to the stress of wedding planning, but I would also love if my boyfriend was there

with me and got to meet her and our mutual friends, especially since they and the wedding are out of state for me. Thanks, a plus none, betch. Good question. Etiquette. A little etiquette question. Totally. What do you think? I always lean towards, I don't love this culture of, and maybe, you know, again, I will admit my leaning. I don't love this culture of the bride is queen. Let's not upset the queen. I think if you guys are friends and you're getting on a plane or taking a long drive to go out of state to her wedding, you should be able to say, hey, I'm dating this person. I'd love to, you know, have them come to the wedding of possible. You know, what do you think? I know that we didn't get a plus one. I totally understand if it doesn't work for you or if it's not in your budget or whatever, but I just wanted to throw it out there and ask. And if that makes her so angry or it affects your relationship or puts her so over the edge that she, like, is stressed out, then that's a her issue. If she can't handle a friend of her is asking to bring their boyfriend. And if the answer's no, the answer is no. Sounds like you're okay with moving on if the answer is no. But

I definitely think you should be able to approach your friends that are getting married about anything, I mean, maybe not anything, but about most things around the wedding. Yeah, I agree, especially if it's done like gracefully like what you said. I think there's a few factors that that also that lead me to believe that she should do that. I think the out of state, if it was like in her, if it was in her city, I could see and it's like one night, I could see maybe it's not as much worth it. If she is like taking a whole trip and all these other people are bringing their boyfriends, I think it, it can't hurt to ask as long as you give the person the out.

I think that's really the whole thing. because it is a little bit of an uncomfortable, you're putting someone in a little bit of an uncomfortable position, especially if it's like a financial thing. And then they have to tell you it's like a financial thing, like kind of or, you know, it's a spate. Like they have to like figure out a way to graceful. You have to give them like the ability to say no.

Like, you know what I mean? Like give it to them. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Even like set them up for the excuse about why they can't, like, would be really nice, too. If you're like, totally understand if everything's set already and it, you know,

it really won't work out for you. Just kind of giving them a line that they can give back to you, especially in this case, it doesn't seem like she would be a fed. There are cases where somebody doesn't get a plus one and they're like, oh, my gosh, I've been dating this person for five years. Like, we've met several times and I actually am not okay with you not inviting them. But that doesn't seem like this situation. I don't think it's offensive that she didn't invite, that she didn't give her a plus one.

I don't think it's offensive to ask, but I also don't think it's offensive for her to say, to look at her budget, be like, $300 a plate. Right. I can't take another hit, right? Right. And I'll meet him like a month after the wedding and then he'll, you know, come to the next thing. Another slightly manipulative, rather strategic option. I don't know if she lives in her city.

Maybe I know the wedding is out of state. I don't know if she lives out of state. But I had people do this before my wedding, and I wasn't offended by it. One of my friends was in a newer relationship, and they were like, let's do a double date. Oh, right. Didn't say anything about it. Right. Didn't mention the wedding.

Ask for a double date. And then you like meet the person. And then like you're kind of, you're just kind of more inclined to be like, it feels weirder to not to say no when you've met the person. Right. Oh, interesting. You meet them. They're like nice.

they're normal. You're like, oh, yeah, like, well, I mean, for mine, I gave everyone who wanted one a plus one because it was, I think, and I think for a destination wedding. And it doesn't, I don't know if this is destination or just like in the state that she lives in. I think for a destination wedding, you can't ask people to travel and not give them a plus one. I totally agree with that. Yeah. You know, if you're spending money on a vacation, you don't want to have to like spend it alone except for when you're at the actual wedding. Yeah, I agree with that. But that, I never thought of that, that is an interesting tactic. Yeah, I mean, they didn't say that that was like, why.

That was the only double date we've ever been on. Right. But I think that it worked. I don't care if it was manipulative. And that's another option. I mean, look, they want to come to your wedding, which is nice, especially for you, because that was like a destination that was, you know, so they wanted to be there, which is flattering.

Right. And I get, it's like for someone who's like newly dating someone to like, It's almost like they're taking their first trip, like vacation together. Like, it's really kind of a, I think that's the most exciting it is to go to a wedding with someone. It's like when you just start dating them, like they get to meet all your, you're doing them like a bigger service than someone who's been dating their person for five years. Like, it's like very exciting the first couple events you go to with like a new partner. Yeah. And I love the idea of like for the bride and groom.

You're like spreading your love. You're like, you guys are newly dating. we're going to give you this event to like, you know, shoot your relationship off into the stratosphere by, you know, whether it is you get to get dressed up and have like a really fun date night at our wedding. Like I think that's a really nice thing to do. I, if I was getting married again, I would want to kind of give all those new couples a little bit of romantic energy. I agree. And I don't want to discount that it is expensive, obviously, to give like everyone in their mother a plus one is definitely not like a. like a super cheap thing.

But I also just don't, I don't like those like arbitrary rules of like, you've been dating for X long or you live together or you're married or whatever. It's like, feels weird to just like be passing a judgment on the strength of the relationship. Like people could break up at any point, no matter how long they've been together. So to say like you can bring someone because of like,

because I believe your relationship is more stable, just seems silly to me. Right, right. Totally. No, I agree. Well, ask her, let us know how it goes. I think if she's a good friend, you guys will navigate this. She'll either say yes and it'll be great or she'll say no and you'll be like, no problem, totally get it.

Hopefully we'll have fun either way. Exactly. You could just, you know, talk shit about her to someone else if she says no. Or through the double date option. I didn't think of that. That's a good idea. If she lives in your state, I think it's a great. It's a great like T-Up. Right. All right. Let's do some intentions. All right. I will read them. Hi, Trinana and Dr. Naomi. I hope you can help me with an intention. In a couple of weeks, I will be attending one of my close friends' weddings. The wedding will be the first time that I see my ex-boyfriend. The bride actually set us up.

My ex is best friends with her soon-to-be husband, so he'll actually be in the wedding party. We initially broke up amicably, although it was his decision and devastating for me. In February, after trying to make long-distance work when he had to move to Texas in November. I live in Toronto. Despite all the best advice to cut contact,

we continued to chat regularly with even a couple of face-times. That all stopped in June when I found out that he had a new girlfriend that he'd been dating at least since March. This new girlfriend lives in Toronto, and he had not been back since November, so there's definitely potential that he had cheated. This led to a few very angry texts before blocking his number in every single form of social media accounts. There's been absolutely no contact since, and I put in a lot of work to heal over the past few

months. Although I'm generally doing well, I'm terrified of seeing him at the wedding. Although I'm not sure closure exists, considering I blocked him before he had time to lie his way through an explanation as to why he continued to talk to me and how this new relationship started. I really haven't had any. I don't want to speak to him, but I'm nervous alcohol will get the best of me. I also want to enjoy my friend's wedding and focus on celebrating the couple rather than my ex. What intention can I set to do this best burnt batch? Yeah, I had to read this over a couple of times to get this. I had to read this over a couple times to get the timeline. So for those of you that might be like half listening, it does sound sketchy the way that this whole thing went down with this X. So fresh. Yes. Right. It's not like an

X of four years ago. Yes. They stopped speaking in June, which is, you know, not that long ago. And they went long distance in November. They broke up in February. Is that right? Yes. And then he started dating someone else in March, but was talking to her all the way through June without mentioning the new girlfriend. Right. Yeah. I could see feeling some suspicion and irritate.

Even if he wasn't cheating, that it feels like a little hurtful. Yeah. I would say either way. I could see what, even if all of this stuff didn't exist and it was just like someone broke up with her in June or in February.

And then she has to see them at a wedding. I think that would already be kind of triggering. Right. Regardless of like these circumstances, which only add to it. Right. And the reason why I'm kind of fixated on the fact that of how it ended is because I think that can help her channel like this isn't my person vibes as she's seeing him and getting activated by him. Whereas kind of like I can convince myself that he's not like good for me. and he's not my person

and I need to just kind of redirect my energy elsewhere. Whereas if it's an X, sometimes you see them, if you do talk, and then they look good and you have those feelings of like, ah, what could have been? Or, you know, those are the ones

that I think make these situations harder. So I think it does seem like the way things ended didn't feel great. So I think you can lean towards, I mean, What I would say is like wave maybe from a distance, like acknowledge his presence and then turn and keep moving in a different direction. Yeah. I had a couple tips.

Yeah. Let's hear it. I think even more than the way, I think you go up to him, say hello, give him a hug. You find an excuse to leave. And then you've like broken the like. The ice. Yeah. The ice.

You do like a one minute, how are you, whatever thing. Right? Because then that like breaks the awkwardness of like the kind of like the wave just a little bit more like just run right into it. Like cracking the ice open and so yeah. My other thing. Yeah. Harder to do to drink maximum. Oh yeah.

Mm-hmm. Difficult to do at a wedding. Totally get that. But I think that like alcohol and then like unfully processed feelings are a very bad combination. And I would hate for her to wake up the next day and feel like she like. said something or did something that she didn't remember or felt bad about or like was embarrassed about. And so I think it's very difficult because there's nothing that you want to do more when you're around someone who makes you feel very anxious than have a drink. Yeah. But if she can manage it, I would, I would try to curb that.

Yes, I couldn't agree more. I definitely think that alcohol is only going to make this situation worse. Whether it's her crying in the bathroom half the time and like not enjoying her friend's wedding or is her doing something embarrassing, like approaching him. I don't know if this other person's going to be there doesn't sound like it. So that is probably better. Like his new girlfriend doesn't sound like she's going to be there. But I definitely think, yeah, that's great advice if you can do that. And I do think in general, and this is an interesting conversation about moderating alcohol

because I work with patients on this all the time that don't want to not drink ever or not drink at all. but have a hard time moderating. And I think the best thing you can do is go into it with a plan of like how you're going to do it, almost like maybe like if you decide I'm having two drinks, maybe it's like I have one at the cocktail hour and one like while, you know, before we start dancing like, you know, during dinner or whatever it is that you decide to do like kind of planning in your head when you're going to have your drinks, drinking some non-alcoholic stuff in between. between and like really stretching out what you do. Because if you go to the cocktail hour,

you have two drinks at cocktail hour, I think you're kind of going to blow it at that point. Totally. And it is real, I want to acknowledge that I think it is really, really hard because like I think that not just because you're at a wedding and everyone is drinking, it's like that's sort of like the perfect moment like place to over drink is like you're out of wedding, everyone's drinking, everyone's dancing, everyone's kind of like letting loose. And then you have this person, which is like active. your central nervous system. And you're like, you need somewhere to almost like focus your, like divert your attention.

And then like you kind of, I think, or you think it'll like relax you, but it usually does not. And I'm speaking from personal experience. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. So interestingly, you mentioned that part about like activating your nervous system.

I think there, what I would like her to do is notice that nervous system activation and like find that pause and remind yourself that that feeling of nervous system activation is like he is not for you. That feeling has to make you almost like move away from him. Like the same way like a rabid barking dog activates your nervous system and you don't want to go near it. You want to like back away from it. So I'm hoping that she can recognize that nervous system activation and maybe even continuing to have a little bit of that by not over drinking to sue that might be beneficial. Like her nervous system being activated is sort of like allowing her to keep her distance from this person that feels in some ways, I think, threatening to her.

He broke up with her. He devastated her, she said, and then he was kind of probably a little sketchy about the whole thing. So probably not the safest person for you to lean into. So that nervous system activation is there for a reason. with two drinks, it'll probably simmer down a little bit, but we don't want it gone. Because when it's gone, now you're likely to lean into this person that isn't really the safest person for you to be leaning into.

Agreed. And so what intention do you have for when she's at this wedding? So my intention is, the activation in my body is my reminder that he did and still does disturb my peace. Say hi and walk away. So that's how to handle it. I agree with you. You can, you can, you can wave or you can go up. I agree with you. Go ahead. Say hi. Break the ice. So there's not this thing of like, are we going to say hi the whole night? Walk right up, rip off the band-aid, say hi, and then make no eye contact beyond that point. Right. Yeah. I mean, good luck. I acknowledge and legitimized that it is a very uncomfortable situation to be in. Yeah, I like feel it in my chest as I

think about this for her. So I know that she's going to be feeling it in her body. But again, using that activation in your body to kind of avoid once you rip off that band-aid, say hi, how's it going? How is your flight? Like nonsense, don't get in too deep. Walk away, you know, and move on with your night. Do not make eye contact beyond that. Agreed. All right. Good luck. Give us an update. Let's know of us. All right, let's do some triggers. Our first one is a voicemail. Love a voicemail. If you guys want to leave us a voicemail, you can leave us one at 646-36-3-6-2-9-4. I love hearing these voicemails. So great to hear your voice. Get the inflection, the whole thing.

Let's hear it. Hello, sisters. I'm calling in for a triggered to give some background. I'm in sales. I work in oncology. So I call on doctors and surgeons and I've been and I'm about to be 28 years old. And I have been with my company for about four years and I was working on my resume and I played volleyball in college and I was awarded a scholarship. And I was reaching out to my cousin to have her look over my resume and she's some athlete. But on my resume, but on my resume, I had put volleyball NCAA Division 2 and then awarded athletic scholarship for four years, attended two NCAA tournaments, and then I also did beach volleyball in the spring, led the

team in the first NCAA small college championship, ABCA small college runner-up. So I had that all on my resume and it took up a total of six lines because my colleague who was also a college athlete, recommended that I put all of those on their resume to highlight that not only did I play in college, but we actually went to the tournament multiple times. So I sent it to my cousin, and I got so triggered. This happened maybe three or four weeks ago, so now I'm not that triggered anymore, but literally when it happened, I was at a 10 probably. So I sent it to her, and she responded, I haven't looked in detail yet, but I'd probably start by taking off the college sports stuff. you're so far removed from it at this point and it'll convince your resume.

I knew my resume is only one and a half pages long. And when I saw that text, I was like, are you kidding me? Because being a college athlete, especially in sales, is like a highlight. You definitely want to highlight that. So I just wanted to ask your opinion, how triggered is it that someone very close to you doesn't even recognize the hard work that you put in in college? like being up at 5 o'clock of the morning for lifting and then not going, not getting back to your dorm until like 9 o'clock at night after a four hour practice. And all of your weekends are spent traveling on games.

Like obviously it was fun and all that, but I didn't have normal college experience. And even post college, I'm still working out in the gym, like exercising every single day. So it's literally part of who I am, and that also translates into sales too. So, yeah, it was very triggering that my own cousin, who I talk to every single day and I love her, wouldn't even acknowledge all my hard work and tell me to not put it on my resume. Anywho, thank you for all that you do, and I hope to hear this on the pod. Bye. Well, going to hear it on the pod.

Yeah, it is. Here it is. Naomi, as a fellow college athlete, college volleyball player, how do you feel about this one? You were also a very good college athlete. Yeah. So it's really, I feel for her, I get it. Like when you're a college athlete, shout out. Yeah, Dice.

To all of you Brandeis folks that may be out there listening, it becomes part of your identity. You know, like it really is a huge part. of your experience and what it takes to get there in high school. And then it's, I don't know many college athletes that don't kind of absorb that into their sense of self. So I get it. And I also, you know, I get that she put it on there. I think that with, it's a good talking point. You know, if you're talking to people and they, and that's something that you can bring up. And that's something that can, you know, people feel like, that's interesting. Let me hear about that and it does show a certain work ethic. So I get why she put it out there. And I relate to the idea

of having that be part of your identity, which is I think why she's triggered. But I will say, she asked her cousin for her opinion. So she got her opinion. And her opinion was take off the college sports stuff. So I don't think that that means that she doesn't respect what you, the effort that she put in. Right. I just think she thinks it might not be appropriate for a professional resume, you know, probably now if she's 28, however many, you know, seven years after graduating. So I don't want to say, I think it's great if you leave it in. If you showed me that resume, I'd kind of be like, leave it in. It's interesting. It shows a lot about you and it's a great thing to talk about. But if she thinks leave it out, I don't think you can be mad at her for giving her

opinion when you ask for it. I agree with that. As a non-college athlete, I don't think I think about what goes into that at all. Like to me, it's like, oh, yeah, you're on the volleyball team in high school and then you're on like the volleyball team in college. And like, that sounds fun. So I think that like, as a, from the perspective of her cousin, which is like if someone asked me, I think someone asked me, I would say the same thing. First of all, I think it would all at all register. Like, I, I wouldn't know that they got up at five in the morning for lifting and then didn't get back to their dormant night unless like that entire college experience, we were like super close and you were telling me about how awful and grueling and like intense the experience was.

Like I would have, I would not assume that that's what it's like to be a college athlete. I'm not one, so I just really don't know. Right. So I think that that's a big leap to be like she doesn't think it's a big deal and doesn't care and doesn't respect what I do and doesn't respect who I am. I also kind of agree with her. Six lines is a lot. Right.

I think, like, I think you could accomplish this maybe. Like, I don't think she needs to write that she was, like, on the spring team. Like, I think you could say, like, the top accomplishment of your college athlete life. Right. Condense this into one or two sentences. Right. To one or two. Bullet points.

Yeah. Because I do, I do agree with the, I'm sorry. Don't come for me. I do agree with the cousin that, like, if you have, like, a little bit, like, too much of stuff from college. And it's like, well, what have you done recently? Right. Like, it does feel like we're living in a past and like what has happened since then.

Right. So I think it's okay to like leave some of it in, but I would trim it. Not that she's coming to me for my resume advice, but I think this one's a little on her. Like I could see myself totally doing exactly what the cousin did, like taking a quick glance and being like my first, I haven't fully delved into those. My first thought is like way too much volleyball stuff. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And again, like she's applying to be a volleyball coach or like in the volleyball world. And I don't know that, I didn't know that athletes are, did you know that athletes in sales are like supposed to be connected? I did not. Although I could see, and it's interesting because I had the same similar thought. I could see it's like an interesting. When you're in sales, you want to be able to talk about things that are interesting to most people and sports in our society is just something that I think hearing that you're like,

an elite athlete is like an impressive thing that people are curious about or want to know about. So I think it could just be more conversational, but I agree. Then she doesn't need to know or the employers don't need to know the details of your college athletic career. They just need to know NCAA scholarship athlete. That's it. Agreed. And if that is something that's like actually has had a big effect on you and it's still kind of something that has a big effect. And you save that for the interview. Right. You know, in the interview, you could talk about how, you know, this experience in college being this elite athlete has really trained you to have this huge work ethic and really just power through and everything's that. But that's, I agree, it shouldn't be

written as a paragraph on the resume. And I get the perspective of like, let's say you were the editor-in-chief of your college newspaper. Like, are you going to put that? Let's say you were the, you know, president of your college fraternity. You know, like, where do you draw the line between, like, what is great conversation-worthy accomplishments that you're. You know, like, where do you draw the line? you had earlier in your life and when do you kind of cut the cord of your college accomplishments when you're older. That being said, I want you to know. I would leave it in there. I think it's great. I think it's interesting. And I do think that there is something about you that they are going to learn from knowing that you did that and you put in all that time. And probably because I was a

Division III athlete, it was more fun. I don't remember it being like grueling or torturous in any way. had to wake up early. We didn't go to get to go to some party sometimes if we had games the next day. But I just look back on it and be like, that was fun. That was just a great time. I don't need anyone to like feel almost like, oh, bad for me that I don't have that, that I'm not being recognized enough for the effort that I put in. You get so much feel good from being an athlete and being on the court with your, you know, teammates that I don't really think you should need that from other people. You lived it. I'm sure those moments where you, you know, won those big games and did all that. That was reward enough. I don't think your cousin needs to give that to you.

You have those memories. Put it in there. But yeah, I agree. Maybe trim it up a little. And the moral of the story is, if you don't want someone's opinion, don't ask for it. Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. Yeah. Yeah. So I feel for you. I get it. It's like deeply ingrained in who you are.

And I think you should just say thanks for the advice. I'm not going to take it if that's what you decide to do. But I give this like a lowish score because you did ask her. If you didn't ask her, I'd bump it up. I agree. I give it like a two and a half personally. Yeah. I'll give it a three.

Very close. A little bit higher. But yeah. I get it. Well, shout out volleyball player to volleyball player. Would love to see the tape of you playing. I think it sounds super cool what you accomplished. Beach is awesome. You're probably a beast, but lay off your cousin. I don't think she did anything wrong here. I might be projecting a little bit. It's okay. All right, let's do one more. Do you want to read this one? Yes, I will read this one. Hi, ladies. I love listening weekly. I'll get right to my triggered issue. My husband of seven years bought me a t-shirt for my birthday that is 100% not me at all. For context, I'm a huge reader and the shirt says, quote, born to read, forced to work. But it has this comic book style image of a woman crying on it. And I don't know. own a single other shirt that have cartoon-like pictures on it. My style is more simple and neutral, and to make it worse, I'm not forced to work. I've been blessed to be a stay-at-home mom for the last

six years, and I just recently started working at my gym a few hours a week, but more so because I like the company, not for the money. Other than the fact that I don't like the shirt, I didn't really think much about it, but the more the time passes, the more upset I get about the gift. I feel so rude for not liking my birthday gift. Am I being too picky? Do I have a right to be upset that he got me a gift that is the opposite of things I like?

I would love to hear how you guys rate this on the triggered scale. I'll touch pictures of the shirt he purchased and then some of the types of things I wear. Sincerely, a trying not to judge a book by its cover batch. So she sent the picture of the shirt that he got her, which she already described. And then the shirt she already wears

do say, like, I'd rather be reading. and bookworm and like one more chapter. So, and read more books. So it's not like she doesn't wear like book-related t-shirts. Right. Or like shirts with sayings on them or... Right. I think if she didn't wear shirts that said that kind of stuff,

this would be like a way higher trigger. It would seem super random. Right. And more annoying. But she does, I can understand, like, I wouldn't necessarily distinct, like have a distinct sense of, um like which which t-shirts are okay and which t-shirts aren't would you no i mean look being a

woman and like knowing that there's like a stylized like certain softer color scheme um it's not so bold and graphic like i i get why she doesn't like it right i get that she doesn't like it it doesn't fit in with like the aesthetic that she is you know you know that she is you usually wears. But I think this is just, he's just not that fashionable or stylish or like aware of her. He's just not in tune with her fashion aesthetic. I think he was trying. I think it's cute that he was trying to get her something that was like similar to what she liked. He missed the mark a little bit because hers is more of like a, it's like a vintage country, like, kind of, I don't know how you would describe it, but like what you would see on, you know,

like, at sea-ish. Yeah, Etsy-ish. Yes, that's a good way to describe it. She has like this. Her is a little more cute-see. This is a little more like a comic book, yeah. Yeah, he probably got an ad on Instagram and was like, oh my gosh, my wife would love that. It's so funny.

It's about reading and it's because he's probably not exposed to, she probably sees on Etsy, like hundreds of options of, like, cute t-shirts that would be her style. he's probably not getting that algorithm of like cute t-shirts that are his wife's style he just saw a shirt that was about reading and was like oh my gosh this is her let me grab it i actually think if she didn't send us what she likes i would be like whoa this is really weird but i think it's cute i think he was trying um i think his like he just missed the mark on like the aesthetic that she would like yeah i kind of agree i think it's a little weird that it says like like pages over paychecks on it. That maybe is, that might lean to like more of a sensitive issue about what's going on with them and the fact that she's working this job that like she doesn't really need for the company. Right.

Like is he kind of making fun of her? I don't really. Yeah. Is he making fun of her? Is he maybe like, I don't really think you should be doing this job if you don't want to. I don't know. I don't know what it is. Right.

That might be making her. I wonder for you listener out there. I wonder for you if it just said if the paycheck part was removed, forced to work part was removed, and it was the same style shirt, but didn't say anything about working, would you have been triggered? That's a good question. Right. And so that's the question that's going to lead you to. Is he touching a nerve about this working at the gym thing? That's like your own security about that?

Or is this touching the nerve of my husband doesn't know my aesthetic? and that's bothering me. Only you know the answer to that. If you can create that hypothetical situation in your mind, I'm very curious if it's more like my husband just, but like that happens, you know, like your husband can buy you a piece of jewelry. It's not your favorite or like a sweater that's not really your style. And it's more annoying.

Like it sucks. You spent money on this thing. I don't really like it, but it doesn't feel there's something that's like triggering about this. Right. No, I agree. I think it's from some sort of insecurity about, one of those two things or like irritation.

And it is annoying to be like irritated with a gift. I could see that. Or you're like, this is because you feel like bad about it's a gift. So you feel like you shouldn't be allowed to feel irritated. But I think it's okay. I think if she wants to be vulnerable, she could say like to be honest,

like the pages over paychecks thing like, is for something you want to say? Right. Right. I think she can tell him she doesn't like it. I think she could bring up that piece. that that was maybe like, you know, just made her curious if, like, he doesn't understand that she's working because she wants to and not because she has to. And maybe if this is a new thing

that she's working, I think he might have just been doing like a, like, didn't give it that much thought, which maybe in and of itself is triggering. Like, okay, my wife likes to read. She's newly started this job. Pages over paychecks. She wears shirts about reading. Bye. Right. I can see how someone would think that. Yes. So he was like just gathering the data of like all the things that are going on for you, found it all on one t-shirt and was like, this is perfect. I'm going to give it to her without like the cute aesthetic of stuff that you usually wear. So the aesthetic piece I don't think is offensive. I think it's just difference in taste. And even I could see like his is a little bit more of like a masculine vibe and hers is more of like a feminine vibe in terms of the aesthetic. But yeah. I think she could bring up the paycheck piece and be like, maybe that is something they need to talk about. Like, how do you feel about me having this job?

How do you think I feel about having this job? Yeah. I think if she didn't already wear graphic teas or like, I don't have their graphic, whatever, like word teas about reading, I would give this like a five or a six. But the fact that she already, that she does, I could see why he, like I would give this like a three. Yeah, I actually completely agree because when we first read this, I didn't see her style.

And then once I, and I was kind of like, oh, that's a weird gift, kind of. And then once I saw that she does wear that stuff, I was like, okay, he's trying his best here. I almost feel bad for him. Right. Like he did, he's like, oh, she likes shirts about books and reading. So I'm going to do that. Like the thought process seems actually kind of thoughtful. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. So I agree. I'm going to bump this down to like, I'll give it just the three because it's not her style. And I get that it's sort of annoying that someone that you're married to for seven years doesn't know like your style. That's slightly annoying. But that's the only reason why I give it a three rather than like a two.

Is it bad if she says to him like, let's say it didn't say this stuff about force to work. Could she have said like, I appreciate the gift. But like just so you know for the future, like this comic book thing is. really my style at all. Yeah, I guess so. I feel like it's a T-shirt, right? If it was like a handbag, a mural painted on the wall

or like a really expensive thing, maybe she would bring it up, like kind of please don't spend money on something like this again. But a T-shirt, she could wear it to bed to be nice. I don't think if he buys her another one like that,

then maybe you could just stuff it in a drawer. Yeah. And if he asks why you haven't worn it, you just say, wasn't totally my style. Yes. I think. And it's hard to explain. Like, I'm even here trying to like verbalize what the style is. Like you said Etsy. Like what does that even mean? You know, like nothing. I don't even really know what it means. Right. Like there's no way that she, that she can describe like this is what I like and this isn't what I like. And if you're not like a fashionable person who has like a sensitivity to aesthetic, which I'm assuming he's not. And that's okay. You married him anyway, probably knowing that he's not like, you know, visual aesthetic is probably not his forte if I had to guess based on this decision that he made. Okay. That's not his strong suit. I think you still love him. You've been married for a long time. That's probably not a big deal. It's something about him you can live with. But yeah, I don't think it's worth saying because you can't even really verbalize what it is and he might not even know what it. I'm really curious.

I wish we could, you know, show this and like to like a hundred men in specific and be like, which one of these doesn't go with the rest? Right. And see if they can pick out the one that like doesn't go. I mean, I think they probably could, but we're setting them up. Even if he did, though, think that it was like different. Maybe he thought it was like different and cool. Like, oh, she'll like this new cooler, more interesting, like more.

Yes. It's a little bit more. Branch out. Yeah. Yeah. I think I personally kind of prefer it. Like the look of that. Right.

How interesting. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I get it. It's like the color. Yeah. And it is actually even kind of similar color schemes with like the green.

And yeah, anyway, it is hard to. I think there is like this moment. I always talk about like, you know, when your heart is open and when your heart closes. And there's this moment when like someone that you love and your close to gives you a gift that like you don't feel like you're really seen where your heart kind of closes a little bit. So I get that. There's like a disconnect moment when someone that you're intimate with like gives you something that you feel like is not you. It doesn't, that is not you. So I get that you have that, but I would just encourage you just breathe through it,

put it in a drawer, wear it to bed, see it as a gesture of like just appreciation for his. I do think there was some thought behind this. This wasn't just like random. It wasn't like a Mickey Mouse shirt. Yeah. I give it a three. Yeah. Yeah, I give it a three too.

I'll agree with that. Well, we did it. Help some people. Guys, let us know how it goes. Yeah, please give us updates. On all the things, big and small, let us know how these things turn out. I want to hear about the wedding with the X. How does that go?

Yeah, all the things. Keep us posted. Subscribe. All of it. Leave us a review if you like the show. Show us you love the show. And subscribe. Leave a review. Join one of Dr. Naomi's groups. There's a million ways to engage with us. And we'll see you next time. All right. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Rebecca Steinberg. Editing by Will Maxwell. Guest booking by Ali Friedlender. Be sure to follow us on Instagram and everything's fine. And send your advice emails to Oversharing at Betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363.

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