Oversharing - Can I Ask My Bridesmaid To Cover Her Cleavage?

Episode Date: October 28, 2025

Dr. Naomi shares a story about her son and a female classmate that has her mom antennas up and she and Jordana discuss the developing “relationship” between the two little ones. Brought to us by Season 2 of “Nobody Wants This” on Netflix, the Overshare explores an older sister who is feeling a tad jealous about her married little sister's new life, and is trying to figure out how to address the financial elephant in the room. The Betchecist comes from a bride-to-be that is worried one of her bridesmaids may be planning to show off a bit more cleavage than is acceptable by God and possibly her conservative family. A listener suffering myriad health issues downstairs seeks an intention for coping with the spiraling thoughts and anxiety that her ailments keep bringing. After suffering a long bout of infertility, a woman is triggered by a friend’s flippant comment while a new mother is mad that her father in law is not as attentive as her own parents to her child's needs. Subscribe to Oversharing On Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@OversharingPod   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How's it going?

How are you? How is your weekend? All good. I wanted your take. I had an experience that had me few. future tripping a little bit. So maybe you can pull me back. It was a kind of funny story. So I picked Brooks up from school, I think on Friday. And there's this little girl that I kind of always hear him talking about or like some of his friends talking about. And I see her and they're walking out of

school. And she goes, bye, brooksy pants. So of course, I'm kind of like, what is going on with the brooksy pants like there's some something happening here so i'm trying to be cool because i don't want to ask to you know it's different with a boy and girls like the girls will tell already i could tell they just will like tell me more right than he does automatically so i'm trying to be really careful about not being like ooh who's that you know and then he'll be like no one right yeah so i'm trying to be chill so i was you know i wait like a few minutes and I say, oh, does, you know, let's call her Jennifer. I say, oh, does, does a classic 2025, that eight-year-old name?

Fine, we'll call her Sloan. Sure. Well, let's call her Sloan or Emma. So I say, do you and Emma ever like talk at school? Like, do you guys ever have a conversation about anything? So, So he goes, yeah, you know, she told me today that, you know, she was in reading group and there was another girl in the reading group that wouldn't let her have a turn. And she got so mad that she snapped her pencil in half. And then she said, so she got so mad that she snapped her pencil on half. And then she goes, it felt really good. And so he goes, and I wanted to try it too.

And I had a pencil in my hand, but I didn't want to break school property. So I told her I was going to do it. And then she said, well, I'll bring you a pencil tomorrow so you can try it. So I'm like, oh my gosh, who is this toxic little vixen? All right. That is how it starts. Yes, this is how it starts. We're snapping pencils in second grade.

And then in, you know, senior year, we're doing, you know, shots in the, in the bathroom, you know, in between classes. So I was just like, how do we get him? My mind is like, so what was your reaction? This is the big. So I was, again, I was trying. I was like, oh, I can understand. That sounds like it might be like a satisfying feeling to snap a pencil. You know, has she considered therapy?

I said, oh, what do you think about how angry she got at that friend? You know, and he was like, well, she said that she didn't give her a turn. She's like, okay. You know, I didn't really push it, but I said, is she going to bring you a pencil? And is she going to bring you a pencil tomorrow? I don't, we'll see. Today is Monday. We'll see if she actually follows through and brings him a pencil so he can break it in half.

But I don't know. I was like going forward, I'm picturing him as a teen. teenager and these girls like, ooh, it felt, you know, there's the fact that that's like a new thing with like, Jen Alpha is like satisfying things, like peeling things and snapping things or the sound of like crunching. It's like a whole. Probably just crave an IRA experience. Yeah. It's so sad.

Everything's online. Everything's online. Just the feeling of touching an actual object. and interacting with it is so satisfying. But yeah, I need to figure out how to keep him away from this girl. At least she was like, I'm going to break my own pencil. I'm not going to break, like, that girl's pencil, or I'm not going to go online and, like, create a fake account and start, like, saying really mean, horrible things to her.

Like, it could be more devious. It could be worse. I mean, they are seven. So I think my mind goes to like, it's only going to get worse from here. If he's, I think it's also this idea of like he's like attracted to like he thought this was exciting like the idea of like, you know, breaking this pencil and how to get your anger out. Well, it sounds like he's got a little bit of our mom in him. He has his grandma's grandson potentially.

Yes. He likes a bad girl. But you don't really have that. No, that's why I was like, she seemed, even before the pencil snapping, the fact that she was like coming to him to like dish, like talk shit about this other seven year old girl who allegedly didn't give her a turn in the reading group sounded a little toxic. Like she's, you know, drama seeking and like talking crap about this girl. And then snapping the pencil and reaction, I was like, oh gosh, this does not sound good. I don't know. I think at this stage, I think it could be, I feel like it could be worse. She doesn't sound like she's taking anything out on others.

Just, you know, doing a little her for her own relief, you know, like a stress, almost like a stress ball. Okay. Okay. All right. I could, I'll go with that. I don't, you know, I don't think he's that into her. I think he just liked the idea of the pencil snapping. Like, I think that was the big appeal. All right. If it escalates, you call me. and we'll figure out a way to break them up. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, we'll have to do a little sabotage. But that was, I mean, it was so cute. Bye, brooksy pants. I was like, who is this? That's really funny. What can I say? He's a stud. Yeah.

He's got all the girls breaking pencils. I do think the fact he has, you know, a therapist mom and two sisters, two older sisters, will actually be very good for his relationship with women. I hope so. I do think that is true. I think men who have, not always, but like, I think men who have sisters, they know about, like, periods and female things and, you know, communicating. Yes.

Yeah, how to talk about things and not just be like, let's wrestle. Right. You know, if we feel like we have some energy to get out or whatever. So I do think it is good for him. I think he's going to be just fine. He seemed cool. I'll check in with him today and see if, uh, there was any pencil snapping.

I did let him break a pencil that we had at home over the weekend to just kind of get it out of his system. And now he's done. Although no, he didn't because the pencil that he had, there was pencil like randomly in the back of the car and it was like a short one. So it took really hard to break a tiny pencil. He just ended up being more frustrated because he couldn't get this tiny pencil to break. So yeah, we'll see. There's got to be something else. He can destroy a Lego set, Jenga.

Oh, yeah. Good for that. Yeah. I could see it. I mean, he does talk about those break rooms sometimes. Like, I've always wanted to try that. Yeah, well, as a therapist, I guess that's a good question, I think, to bring us back to to therapy.

Yeah. Is it, like, healthy, let's say you're really frustrated or mad at a situation or a certain person. Could you, you know, just could you like punch a punching bag? that makes you feel better? Is that like okay or is that discouraged? Yeah, I mean, I think anecdotally, it feels like that would be helpful, you know, like, you know, channeling your energy. Feeling your feelings like screaming or even, I don't know if I've talked in here about neurodynamic breathwork, which is kind of a, I'll get into that another time, but it's like

an energy, emotional energy release and people will just laugh or cry or wail or scream or things like this that it is supposed to be healing, but of the studies that I'm aware of, and you can correct me on this because I didn't necessarily come prepared for the question. But of the studies that I've read on this, it isn't really helpful. Like I think they had a study that I read a long time ago about children. It was like Bobo the clown, I think. And they had these kids like punching this clown punching bag to see if it would help. And it didn't. It kind of made it worse from what I-

It worse. Remember, yeah. Like it kind of wired them and created that angry energy more than if they just would have like taken a deep breath or practice some relaxation techniques or something like that. Although, again, if you're out there and you're in the depths of studying psychology and anger, correct me if I'm wrong. But that's from what I know right now. I could feel like it wouldn't be like a replacement for any of those things or like therapy. But I do feel like sometimes it's just about getting an energy inside of you out of you. If you have like a pent up. And obviously like that can I think that it's a slippery slope because then you see sometimes you see like movies or things where like someone's punching a wall or punching their hand through a window or something like that.

It doesn't see Mike it ever turns out like, oh, that's all I needed. Now I'm never going to do that again and I'm better. Yeah. Right. No, for sure. But I do think things like, you know, running or dancing or I think if it's like aggressive, but I guess breaking a pencil isn't really aggressive. It's destructive.

But yeah, I'm going to look into this. I'm curious also what the more current research says about it. But yeah, it does seem like it feels like having a. scream or a cry or like it does feel like it would be helpful in some way yeah well have have brooksy bring her in a psychological study that she can read over that night and they can discuss it the next day that would be wonderful then i then i would accept her then she could be if she really does all the work she can she's like i read the research paper and and i want you to know that breaking pencils is actually cathartic.

And I'm going to teach your son how to better handle his emotions. Great. Let's do it. I love that. That would be the ideal seven-year-old girlfriend. Yeah. They are cute. All right.

So enough about that. Let's move on. If you haven't listened to our latest baby steps, I share some exciting pregnancy news. So that's out now. It's our last final episode. of baby steps. I'm not going to talk about it here because we've already talked about the whole story on the episode. So if you want more information, check it out there. It's really, you know, exciting, scary, weird episode, fun episode to record. So if you want

more information there, I mean, it's tough because, like, you know, having gone through this for so long, I know how kind of like triggering it is for someone to just like hear about someone else's things going well for them. So it's hard to strike the balance of like sharing about my personal life and also just having that constantly in the back of my mind as someone who was just like constantly triggered by those things. Yeah. So at least for now, that's going to be, you'll, you know, I'm going to share that story on that particular medium. And maybe we'll do some like subscription stuff or, but just want to be mindful of that. And, you know, because we're So many, not just me, like he's so many emails about this topic and it's such a sensitive

topic. So I want to be mindful of that. But again, if you want, if you are interested, this doesn't, the topic doesn't trigger you and you want to hear more about that. Baby Steps episode is out now. So check it out. Thanks so much for listening. And let's get into the rest of our show.

All right. Let's do it. Also, if you have a voicemail, you want to leave us, you can leave us a voicemail at 6. 646-363-6294. You can subscribe to our episodes. You get two subscription bonus episodes a month and all the episodes add-free and a day early. Or you can join one of Dr. Naomi's therapy groups. How do they do that? Yeah. So come join us. We're doing a really cool challenge right now. this very healing meditation that we are practicing in session. We're practicing it outside of session.

And it's really cool. Like you get to participate in things like this. This is kind of like a 20 minute little mini therapy session that I'm teaching group members how to do on their own. So like if you're not having therapy right now or you need something in a little in addition to therapy, the challenge that we're doing right now. now is to practice this meditation. And we're going to check back in, see how everyone is doing with it. So these are the types of things that we do in our group, in addition to just community,

sharing, feeling supported. So if you're interested in something like that, come join us. You can find us at Naomi Bernstein.com. Fill out just a super quick, basic info form. And we will match you up with a group that works for you. So come find us. Naomi Bernstein.com. Love it. And also, guys, I mean, if you want to watch this on video, you can watch Spotify has in-app video or you can watch on YouTube. These episodes are also uploaded to YouTube. We're going to put the YouTube link in the episode description so you guys can find it pretty easily. But yeah, watch the show however you want. And thank you guys for listening. We love these emails. We love hearing your feedback. You know, we take feedback on our subscription. episodes too. So write it in if something, if you love something, if you hated something, if you disagreed, we're always open to a discussion if it's had respectfully. Let's get into it.

All right. This week's overshare is brought to you by Nobody Wants This on Netflix. You know how in relationships the little things suddenly become big things? Like whose turn it is to do the dishes or whether moving in together means sharing closet space or surrendering it. In season two of nobody wants this, Joanna and Noah are navigating all of that and then some. First comes love and then comes life with all the family drama, career stress. And did I just say too much moments along the way? And speaking of family, sometimes the people closest to us have a way of making us feel a little behind, a little insecure, or just plain exhausted. Today's email dives right into that.

All right, I'm going to read the email. Ladies, thanks for all that you do. Love listening to the pod, hoping you can help with this dilemma. I'm a 35-year-old woman with a sister who's 32. For background, we've always been really close but followed a little different paths. I'm 35 single and have been fairly career-focused for the last several years. She's married, works part-time, and keeps a wonderful home. Seriously, the most amazing cook.

Seemingly, every time we're together, she brings up money. How much she has in savings, her retirement, new houses she and her husband are looking at that are just shy of a million dollars. I don't own a house. I would love to, but still have grader. loans and not quite there yet. I feel uncomfortable when she talks about this. It makes me feel bad about myself because I can't buy a house right now and don't have the monetary or familial security that she does. I know some of it is my insecurity, but I'm really getting frustrated. Last time I told her this is pretty unrelatable to me, but she didn't seem to catch on. Advice, do I just need to suck it up

and get over myself, an apartment living betch? Yeah, this is hard because I think she's created a identity for like they've each had, and I think that happens often with sisters, like they each kind of carve out their own identity and that identity has benefits and drawbacks. And I think she probably envisioned that the benefit of her identity was that she would have money and success and be able to afford things that she wants. And it sounds like it's not really turning out that way. So she's kind of like I've leaned into this identity. but it's not giving me the return that I thought it would. And she's leaned into this other kind of homemaker mindset,

which you're kind of like, okay, that's great. You get to like do things that maybe feel a little bit easier and stay home and not have to work as hard. But maybe you wouldn't have the financial success. So I think it's probably making her doubt herself a little bit if she, you know, if she's being honest. Yeah, she's probably doubting a little bit of like,

Like maybe I should just kind of get married and have someone buy me home and, you know, set up for retirement and all that, which is a hard feeling. Right. But it's good to kind of reevaluate, like, why you're doing what you're doing. Yeah. I think it's good for that. I think it's like this is kind of a moment for her to maybe be a little vulnerable with her sister instead of like, this is pretty unrelatedable to me.

I think she could say, like, you know, when you talk about. the price of the houses or everything that's going on, I sometimes get really jealous. Like I'm a little, I'm feeling a little insecure about, you know, that I'm not financially secure enough to do that at this point of my life. And you're my younger sister.

And like, I'm feeling a little, little anxious about that. I think it's like an opportunity for her to be more vulnerable instead of like, read the room. Right. Talk to someone else about this stuff. Which I do think there's an element of that.

I do think there's an element of her sister. She doesn't need to, she could tell you about her life in terms of like we're looking at houses or, you know, I'm trying to save for retirement or whatever else she's saying, which sounds kind of braggy. I think she could say that without putting price tags on things that are still updating her sister about her life. So I think there's like a little bit of that. But I think she would naturally do that if you express to her that you feel insecure about this thing. Like if I was someone's insecure about their weight and they were telling their friend about that, I doubt they're. friend would be like talking about all the size zero clothes they're going to be trying on, whatever it is. Right. Yeah, I agree. I think this is a moment for vulnerability. And it's

interesting and difficult with sisters when it comes to like sharing information as you start to grow older and like your lives diverge. You know, like when you're, you know, 15 and 13 and you're like, well, I have $500 in my piggy bank. And you're like, well, I have, you know, $300 in my piggy bank. It all feels like fun and games. Like we're all, we're given this, we're on the same path. We have the same parents. We grew up in the same house.

It all feels really even. And then when you, you chose to go to graduate school maybe and she chose to get married, now there's a divergence. And then that level of sharing needs to, change probably. Like you no longer say how much you have in your savings account because it might make her feel a certain way or you no longer share, you know, certain details that might feel, you know, maybe there are certain things that you're sharing about how successes that

you're having at work or, you know, that might make her feel a way. So I think it is tough with sisters when your path start to diverge, how to kind of filter out certain information that maybe you're used to sharing as you're growing up and that relationship has to change. But I do think ultimately, yes, does she need to be saying the exact amount that they have in their savings? Probably not. But I do think it's your own stuff that's coming up here and feeling behind. And I think there is like a sister thing where when a younger sister, siblings in general, when a younger sister is accomplishing more than an older sister, I think it can feel a little bit like, hey, I'm supposed to have that first kind of thing.

Right. And I don't want to hear about those things because, like, I don't have them yet, which I don't think you want to establish. I think that would also be annoying in its own way. Someone was like not because they thought you were so sensitive to, I didn't tell you we were looking for a house because I don't think you could handle it because you live in an apartment. Like that would be more insulting in my mind than she's just like sharing her life with you.

But I think that it's a good opportunity for like a little bit of vulnerability. Yeah. I don't think it would be like. And I think there's a way to do that that's not like stop telling me these things and more when you tell me these things, sometimes I feel whatever. Right. And I do think this listener probably has to just take ownership over being triggered by this. You know, like, again, I, you're going to probably know this either way. She's going to move into the house.

You're going to walk in the door and you're going to have an idea for how much it costs, you know, like you don't, again, like you said, you don't want the alternative where she has to walk on eggshells with you that she can't. You know, it's almost like when someone in your close family is buying a home and they send you the link to the house. You're like, all right. Now I know pretty much like exactly how much you spent on your house, which feels like very personal. But like should you not send someone like the link to the house because then they're going to know and they're going to feel away about it.

If it's, you know, I do think this is a case where it's yes, can you say. I do think she should say something. But I think more so than just getting the sister to stop sharing these things is for her to be able to build her own confidence and secure. and the path that she's taking, which right now feels like it maybe isn't where she wants to be. But I think if she can feel, you know, kind of reevaluate her reasons for doing what she's doing and feel good about her own life, she would be maybe less triggered by it versus like, stop talking about it. You're triggering me.

I agree with that. You know, she could maybe talk about it less or share less specific details, but I don't think what the most healing thing for her isn't going to be stop telling me what you have. Never hear, never hear about anything that anyone has. Right. And it's hard. I don't like I'm not saying this is easy. It is hard to hear, you know, that somebody else has something that you have. We talk about this all the time. It's not an easy thing to go through. But it is a moment to kind of maybe to remind you like, I need to come back to my why. I need to come back to like what I'm trying to seek. my life. What is my North Star? Where do I, you know, why am I doing what I'm doing every day?

Right. To kind of remind you to be grateful and kind of see what, what you have that makes you feel good about yourself. I don't take away from her. I get that this is hard. But, yeah, it's, if it's not her, it's going to be somebody else. But siblings tend to be especially triggering, I think, because you started from the same place. Right. Right. Right. Like if it's your friend who has this house, you're like, oh, maybe she got money from her parents, or maybe she had this opportunity that I didn't have, or maybe, you know, she got a scholarship and does it have, you know. An upbringing, whatever it was.

Yeah. When you're like growing from the same roots, it sort of feels like more personal. Like, this is my fault. It's my choice. I made a bad choice. I made a bad decision. Or the alternative, which is like, well, she this and she got this and that's not fair. And so sometimes you can go either to the like self-loathing thing or the like anger.

Like it's not fair. Resentment. Yeah. You were treated better. You got some opportunity or you took the easy way out by getting married or that kind of thing. I don't think that's a style of thinking you want to go down. Right. Not helpful.

Yeah. So taking ownership is always, I think, a better way to handle this because triggers are going to be all over the place. if you don't kind of deal with what you have going on underneath. Agreed. All right. Well, good luck. Let us know how that conversation goes if you have it or how your own, you know, internal reflection goes.

So thank you for writing in and thank you again to Netflix for sponsoring today's episode. Season two of nobody wants this goes beyond the rom-com spark and into everything that comes after. The real life laugh out loud, sometimes cringy moments of trying to actually make it work. Kristen Bell, Adam Brody, an incredible ensemble cast, prove that staying together isn't just complicated. It's the best part of the story. Watch Nobody Wants this season two, now playing only on Netflix.

All right. Let's do a betchesist. Do you want to read this one? I will read this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm a huge fan of the podcast, hoping you can help me out. Weddings come with all sorts of challenges, and I'd love your advice on this one.

I recently went bridesmaid dress shopping and picked out about 10 different style options for my brides. Mids. It sounds like a lot. One of my bridesmaids, one of my best friends from graduate school, chose a strapless dress. She's very busty and plans to add spaghetti straps, but even with spaghetti straps, there's still a lot of cleavage. This feels kind of inevitable with her body type in that style. She wasn't interested in any of the higher neck or more supportive options. Here's my dilemma. I personally feel like showing a lot of cleavage in someone else's wedding, especially at a church wedding, can come across as a little distasteful.

I was thinking of buying extra fabric and asking that she bring it to the tailor to make thicker straps for more coverage and support, but I know I might be veering into controlling territory here. Do you think it's okay to give her the fabric and gently ask her about thicker straps or should I just let it go? And if I do bring it up, how could I phrase it without making her feel bad? I could also offer to pay for the tailoring for the straps because she didn't really like any of the other dresses I chose.

I should also note the order has already been placed with the bridesman. made store, so I wouldn't be able to ask her to change her dress. Thank you. A betch who knows weddings can make even the sanest people a little crazy. Okay. I like the self-awareness in the email of like, you know, she's not sure where the line is. Yes. I agree. My idea was, and I don't know what you think about it. My idea was like, instead of making it about her, she could send out like a general message to all of the bridesmaids, kind of like, hey,

we're getting married in a church. Just please try to be mindful of like cleavage or exposed something that's too short or what like as like a general thing for the entire bridal party. So she doesn't feel picked on. I think if this wasn't in a church, then like you got to let it go. The fact that it's in a church and maybe would, make, you know, some people uncomfortable or feels like inappropriate for that particular setting, I think is one reason why maybe she could say something. Other than that, I don't know if it's just

like she's going to take attention away from you, if her breasts are hanging out or I don't know. How do you feel about like being in a wedding party with excessive cleavage? I wouldn't be bothered by it personally. Right. I do think when you're picking a bridesmaid, like you kind of have to pick them as they are with their own judgments with their own like you know we've we've done emails about this on the subscription episode too where it's like if they have tattoos if they have piercings like some people might think that's not appropriate for a church or something like that right or a certain venue and I kind of do think like I understand what she's saying like is it about the bride's discomfort or the bridesmaids discomfort because bridesmaid knows what she looks like Yeah. And you've seen her in dresses before and you know what her discretion is with how she handles her breasts. So you know what she's been wearing. Like you said, pick someone as they are. You know, that's what she's what she's proud of in her body. That's what she's like, likes to show off. I think that the email about the church thing, you could do that. She might not think it's directed at her and not change anything or which I think, and I think at that point, I have. would just let it go. No one's going to, you know, the church isn't going to get on, be blown on fire. Right. Some cleavage. I think if she's, like, you do want your bridesmaids to feel comfortable, to feel good. This is maybe if she chose this dress with the straps,

I'm assuming she feels good in it. She feels like attractive in it. I think the email's a good idea just like in the, I don't know about like an email on its own, but an email with some other information. Right. Throw in some other stuff in there. Yes. And then if she, you know, if she got the hint, I think that would be good. And then if she bridged out like, oh, do you think I should put more straps on?

I think she would, then that's our opportunity to say, yeah. But like, I don't want to like inconvenience to you. Like, if it, please let me know how much costs. I'm happy to pay for it. Mm-hmm. And then you could blame it on my mother-in-law is just like kind of being annoying about that. Right, right. Right.

It is. Yeah. I don't care, but, you know. Well, I do think it is interesting for the listener to think about, like, what is she worried about? Like, is it that she, in her photos, it's going to look bad or is she worried, is she worried about the older people that are there feeling uncomfortable or saying something to her? Is she worried that this woman is going to take the eyes off of her? like what is she really worried about here? Because sometimes you just kind of go with this like automatic reaction of like,

I don't like this. This doesn't feel right without figuring out like what's really kind of being triggered for you. Yeah. I think if it's like, oh, everyone's going to be looking at her and her big beautiful breasts and not at me. Like I don't think that's what's going to happen. Yeah. Like I think people will take a glance and then they'll be there for the wedding and they'll be

focused on you and the wedding. Yeah. And if it's about like, oh, I don't want her to be embarrassed because of that. She clearly isn't. She knows what the venue is. She picked out the dress. So, yeah, that's generally my feeling. Because we get, I've, you know, over the years, seen so many emails. I don't want my, my, my sister has pink hair. Can I ask her to diet? My like, you know, can I. And I just do think at the end of the day, like, people are, you're giving someone options and the person. is dressing for who they are, for what they feel like represents them. And that's why you chose them because you love them as they are. And so I don't think you can like change someone's aesthetic besides like giving them a certain dress code of what they're wearing. I don't really think that's right. Totally. And I think this is like leans into a bigger thing about just life and moments and weddings in general. Like I do think it's kind of nice to be like these were my people. people on that day and this is who they really were instead of like sterilizing the whole thing

to make everybody fit into this aesthetic that you've created. Like it is kind of nice to be, you know, even for example, like on picture day with the kids, like a lot of parents have their kids come to school like in these perfect little outfits that the parents have picked out. And my thing with picture day is like, you wear. whatever like your favorite thing was that year that you just loved wearing and it captures like oh when you were like in first grade you were obsessed with this spider man shirt and you wore this spider man shirt in your first grade picture and that's how you showed up and that's who you

were and i'm not going to like sterilize the picture to make you wear this like button down shirt that i could have 7000 pictures of you and you know on any other day right so it's just like this is how you show up and like i would always let the girl like with a reason. But like if they wanted to wear some mismatched thing on picture day, I'm like, it's so cute. That's what you loved at that time. So like on your wedding, it's like this is who you picked and this is how they were and this is how they showed up with their pink hair or their boobs out or whatever it is. And that's like your people and how they are on that day. So maybe you can look at it like that as well. Yes. Your friend had her boobs out. That's it. That's who she is. That's who she is.

That's who she is. At that time. Yes. Right. Yes. All right. I like that advice. Let's do some intentions. All right. Okay. Hi. I'm a 31-year-old female listener and a chronic overshare, which is why I'm willing to say, I also suffer from chronic yeast infections. I used to get maybe one or two a year and they'd clear up. But after hooking up with someone two years ago, I've been dealing with infections that don't seem to resolve or come back just when you think you've them. I have tried so many things to deal with this issue. Obyglyn visits, urgent care, Planned Parenthood, pills. I've always been almost overly cautious about STIs and have done all the panels many times. I've gone to an infectious disease specialist in a functional medicine practice that costs over $4,000 out of pocket between testing, visits, and supplements. I paid for subscription testing of my microbiome and bought zinc lined underwear. I've tried six different types of suppositories, including monostat, multiple vaginal probiotics, and boric acid, which would be poison if ingested. When symptoms come up, I feel like I will never be normal again and won't be

able to date or have a normal sex life because of all of this will interfere. I don't feel confident and I feel pressure to know for sure if I'm good before going on a date, but there's no at-home definitive test for yeast infections. I can't even tell what normal is half the time anymore. I'm constantly evaluating, Googling, and reading Reddit rabbit holes for real answer. While dating is the biggest hurdle, the energy and frustration takes a toll in other areas as I job hunt. I'm also getting worried about cost, insurance, etc. As I scroll past ad after ad on Instagram for products claiming to cure me, I feel like I need an intention to break the cycle. How can I continue to care for my health and seek a satisfactory treatment without letting

it consume me or hold me back in other areas of my life? Signed, the Yeasty Boys. I am really glad that she wrote in. I have a lot of patients that deal with, whether it's yeast infections or chronic uti's or dysperunia, which is like painful sex or like tightening of the vaginal muscles that makes sex painful. It's really, really hard and it's really lonely because people don't talk about it. So I'm really glad that she wrote in because it can be so all-consuming, especially if you're single and dating and dealing with these issues.

Right. And it's not something that's like so obvious to anyone else. So it's probably hard to get into unless you know someone really well, but it affects your work or it affects everything. It's just very, I'm sure it's there's like some layer of shame there. Right. It's totally. It's almost like if you have, you know, kind of like Crohn's disease.

or gluten allergy or something. It's like that also will affect you chronically every day, but it's just much easier. Like, it's just much easier to talk about it, you know, instead of, you know, kind of sitting at the dinner table and being like, oh, yeah, I can't drink because I'm on antibiotics because I have a yeast infection and everyone's like, you know, TMI. Yeah.

Right. So you kind of have to hide it. And the other thing about all of those types of conditions, especially like painful sex or yeast infections is, and I know this is annoying to say, but like worrying about it and the stressing about it tends to make it worse because it like the stressing affects your immune system, which then might make it even harder to have kind of like healthy immune system to fight off some of these infections. Right.

Or in the case of painful sex, it's like bracing yourself for the sex and like worry. about whether or not it's going to hurt, then makes you anxious and tight, and then it makes the sex even more painful. So this is really hard. You know, it's so hard, and I feel like it can be applied to so many other things where it's like the stress, even like dating or anything like that where like the stress of it kind of you feel like makes the outcome worse or becomes a self-fulfilling privacy. But to say that to people also kind of feels like, well, what am I supposed to Right. Right now I'm stressed about being stressed. Yes. And like how do what I mean? Like there's still even if I'm if I'm not stressed, it's still a problem. So how do I, how do you hold both of those things? And I think that's

kind of what she's asking for is like how do I kind of continue to work on this medical issue while not constantly thinking about it? A hundred percent. And I'm sure you experienced that with like fertility stuff too where people are like, well, if you're, don't be worrying about it or thinking about it or stressed out or that's going to make it harder to get pregnant. It's like, thank you for that. Okay. No longer stressed. Right. Right. Right. Because then there is this kind of layer of like guilt about like, well, I can't control being stressed and now I'm guilty about being stressed, which is so yeah, the whole thing. I mean, a few things that might just mindset shifts that might be helpful. And I think this is helpful. And I think this is helpful for a lot of things that we're chronically worried about, which is like, and it sounds like

she's done so much. So I'm glad that she put in there, like she's tried so many things and paid all this money. And so I don't think it's about, oh, try this thing that you haven't tried yet. But at the same time, I do think at any given time, you kind of have to like pick a path and trust that path, even if it's just for a period of time. So like, pick your route, whatever. If you're going to buy one of these new things, just buy it. Put your faith in it. And then when that like mind chatter comes up of like the what if and what if this and

what if it doesn't work and maybe I should try that, you could be like, okay, shh. Like I pick my path. I'm trusting my path. And I'm not going to reevaluate this until this given time frame that I've given to try this thing is over because I think it's just the doubting and the second guessing. And sometimes if you can just pick a root and just trust that route, it can quiet your mind at least while you're in it. Like even with, I've spoken to patients about like sleep training with babies, right? And they're kind of like, you know, a similar kind of technique, which is like, I don't know

which thing to do. And this one says this and should I let them cry or should I, you know, do this method or I don't know which one is the right thing. And usually what we come up with at the end is like pick a book or a person or like a whoever like a guru, a sleep guru, and just do what they say. Like just pick a path, read the book, do the book. And while you're doing that book, trust in that. Like you almost like have to pick something that you can have some faith in and like go with it. And not even because that's the best way to do it, but just because it helps you to kind of have something to come back to to quiet your mind in the meantime. Right.

And I think even if you make that time bound, it makes it so like even, because it's hard to trust anything 100%. Right. And I remember doing this like fertility doctors where I'd be like, all right. And I remember talking about this with my older therapist, which was like, all right, give it six months with this person, see how it's going. like at six months, you can then start evaluating. Right.

But go all in with this one. Yes. I used to make like appointments and then cancel them. And then like, you know, go down the red holes and then, you know, everything says something different. So it's like I, yeah, and he gave me that very same advice, but he was like, but I also had a fear that I was going very far down the wrong path. So he was like, just make it time. bound. Yes. But stick to it for a certain period of time. So I think that's great advice. Yeah. And then like the and the benefit is if you, it's almost the same thing in like a smaller,

more minutia way of like spirituality or like religion or something where you're like, I'm going to trust in this thing so that I can just quiet my mind and this tendency to want to over control every decision along the way. So it's kind of like if you're going out on that date, and you're like, I don't know, do I, is this working? Is it not? Is it, you're just like, I'm trusting the thing. I took the medicine. I did the suppository.

I'm doing the best I can. I'm going to just go on this date and, you know, if I feel good and I want to have intimacy, I'm going to do it. If I start to feel uncomfortable and I don't, I'm not, as long as that's in the protocol that you've picked, right? Like if you go to a doctor for this and they're like, hey, I would abstain from sex for a certain period of time. You don't want to introduce Newbeck, then do whatever that doctor says.

But I think the idea of like having a North Star that you can follow so that way you take the pressure off of yourself in your own mind. And then you can maybe come like find those spaces between flare ups. Because it doesn't sound like you have a yeast infection every single day of your life. but on the days when you don't have them, you're afraid of them coming back or you're wondering if one is brewing or you're not sure how sex is going to affect it. So I think just having a path can help you be a little bit calmer in the meantime of like I'm doing the best that I can.

And then maybe in calming down, you can kind of boost your immune function because you're not so stressed all the time. And you can have kind of the opposite, you know, of that negative spiral. can have a positive spiral where you're calmer, your body's immune system can build back up. And you know, okay, at the end of six months or three months or whatever you decide, if this isn't working, I'll take a new path. But I think it's the bouncing around and feeling like you have too much control is what makes us a little crazy.

That's great advice. So the intention that I wrote for her is I will choose and trust a path to release my mind and rest in the space between. So pick your path, trust your path, release your mind control, and see if you can find rest in the space between the flare-ups, because it does sound like there is space between the flare-ups, but in that space, she's filling it with what-ifs

and checking and over-checking. And so I do think it's important that when you are in-between infections, that you kind of rest say, okay, this right now it's working. Right now I'm okay. And you're okay until you know for sure that you're not okay. Because I get that idea of like, I don't even know what normal is anymore. Right. Like I think that's like, is that an itch or is that a normal itch? Or is that an irritation or as it in my head? It's almost like the tick thing. Like when you hear that there's ticks, you're just like, is that a tick? Am I itching? What's itching? What's that like you can't rest. It takes over your whole life. Yeah.

Right. So it's a great point. Yeah, I really feel for you. I'm glad you wrote in. Thank you for having the courage to write in about something so personal that I am sure that hundreds of women can relate to this, whether it's UTIs or yeast infections or, you know, any, you know, kind of chronic issue. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, let us know how. how it goes. And I know, I mean, I'm sure this advice is part of it where you're like, I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to rest in the space between. But like, if you're not itching, you're not itching. If you're like comfortable, just like, you know, enjoy being comfortable and just catch your mind when it goes to that place of the what if it comes back and bring it back to right now, I'm, I feel comfortable. I'm sure there are moments where you feel comfortable.

So try to enjoy those. Totally. Don't always believe what your mind is telling you. You said that in the beginning of when we started doing this podcast and I think it's very helpful. It's like just because your mind is saying there's something wrong or what's that weird smell or something that could be in your head? It doesn't mean that it's true. Yes. Yeah.

All right. All right. Yeah, thanks for that. Thank you. Let's do some triggers. Can we read our first one? Sure. I will read this. Okay. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. Listener since day one, I recently had a triggered scenario that I'd love to have your opinion on. Background. I've been struggling with infertility for over four years and it took several procedures, a few medicated cycles,

three IUIs and two IVF transfers before we successfully have my son in January 2024. Because we struggled so much, we started trying for a second in September, 2024 and have since had a chemical pregnancy from our last embryo from our first round of IVF. We did a second retrieval in March 2025 that was a disaster and ended with only two embryos that failed to implant when transferred. I was a mess after the failed transfers and took the summer off fertility to regroup. Now for the triggered. I've been pretty open about what we've been going through, and a lot of my friends know this has been a hard period in our life. As we were prepping for our most recent transfer, we met up with friends of ours who also have one son and we're trying for another. For context, she got pregnant

the first try for her son and in her attempt for a second, she got pregnant again on the first try, which unfortunately ended in a miscarriage. So on our walk, she started asking about some of the details of IVF and then started explaining how she's tried for two months. And since she hasn't gotten pregnant, she knows she's infertile and started making comments about how we're in the same boat and how much infertility sucks. I lost my mind. Hearing about how two months not getting a positive was the same as years of invasive treatments that all but once have ended negatively pushed me over the edge. I then started explaining how it's not the same and how I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone. And the time commitment entails. And then she said, oh yeah, if that's the case, I don't think I do it

then. That sounds like too much work. I took a break from the friendship over the summer, but she's been frantically trying to meet up the last few weeks. And today I got the confirmation it was to share she's pregnant, which happened the same month of this interaction. So how triggered can I be? I know infertility takes many forms, but hearing a very fertile person making comments about how we're the same really got to me. Thanks for all you do, an infertile betch. Okay. I can see, I can understand why she'd be triggered, but I also, and I understand the mindset that she's in. I think there can be this like sort of competition of who's had it the worst in this scenario. And, you know, someone once said that to me, because I remember thinking like, you know, if I had a miscarriage, I'm like, at least it was in the first trimester, at least it was like not like this. And you hear about all these people who have these things that are like worse. and worse and worse. I think it was our sister Becky, you said this to me, which was like, if it's a competition, then only one person gets to suffer. Like only one part, like the person

who has, the worst person who's got it, the worst in the world is the only person who's allowed to suffer. Right. And I thought that, I think that's actually like a good perspective because it's like, just because someone is having a situation that's not as bad as yours or worse than yours. It doesn't mean that someone's individual suffering is not valid or is not going through some of the same things that went on in your head. Right. What she probably was feeling in the moment, I don't know how much this friend knows about all of the details of what she's been through is maybe just like a little bit misunderstood or like she, this other friend wasn't aware of what she was going through. So it just made her feel like unseen perhaps when she was saying,

like how terrible she feels about two months of trying and not getting pregnant, maybe felt sort of like, I need to tell you what I've been through, which it sounds like this friend didn't know because her reaction after she heard it was like, whoa, that sounds like a lot. Like I'm probably not going to even do that. Go there,

which also maybe felt slightly offensive of like, it's crazy that you're doing all of that. It might have been a little salt on. the wound at the end of the conversation. Right. Well, it's tough because it's like, the friend was probably just yelled at for not like understanding the extent to which it went through.

And then when the friend's like, wow, that's a lot, she's also kind of. Right. You know what I mean? Like if she was like, oh, that sounds like a breeze. I could do that. No problem. Right. I think like, what's the, is there a right answer for that?

And I understand everything kind of feels like very. I mean, I said that at the beginning of this episode, I think like everything. thing feels really triggering in a lot of different ways because like there's a lot of, there's just like a lot of pain there and there's a lot of frustration and there's a lot of like jealousy in this process. Right. Because you see, you know, everyone's results are so. Pregnancy is one of the things where it's like your results are very visible.

Yes. Yeah. It's not like if you do well, if you got a promotion at work, you're constantly seeing the promotion at work. Yes. If you lose your job and your friend gets a promotion, it's not like you see it every day on their body sticking out of them. Or you see the physical manifestation of what's happening.

Or there's 16 parties to celebrate their promotion. It is like uniquely difficult in that way where you're getting a lot of constant reminders. But I also think it's triggering, but I don't think it's necessarily this friend's fault. And I do think she was trying to relate to you being like, and that's probably why she was telling you about this. because she's like, you understand what it's like to be trying for something and it's not going well. And like, I don't think because she hasn't been trying for four years or because she only had one miscarriage, that means she can't relate to you at all. Right. Yep. And it, like you said before, I agree that her, you know, getting pregnant the first

time and then trying for two months, those two months, that was her experience in those two months that she probably started to get a little nervous or freaked out or anxious or whatever. And maybe because she does really empathize with the struggle of you and other people that are going through this, it made her like kind of overreact, I guess, in your mind to two months of trying. But that's her genuine experience with it, is that she, you know, felt anxious and started to think, well, what if I need to go down this road of IVF? the what if the like, you know, future tripping and wanted to come to you with advice on it,

but obviously, right, didn't get the comfort in sharing that she was hoping for. And again, this is why we have this triggered segment. And most of the time, nothing's triggering unless there's a wound there that's being touched in some way. And most of our listeners know that. So you obviously have a wound. She touched it. Do I think in a perfect world, she could have been a little bit more sensitive?

Yeah. But maybe she didn't know. It sounds like if you told her the whole thing, she didn't know it already, perhaps. Right. Or maybe she could have said, I, you know, I know it's not much compared to what you've been through, like an acknowledge, but here's how I feel. Yeah. Like I think maybe like an acknowledgement of the different.

in the experience while sharing her own because you don't want to make people feel like they can't share with you unless something absolutely like that you deem horrific enough. Like I would ask yourself like what would she have had to have gone through in order for you to feel? Right. How many months? Right. How many months? How many miscarriages? How many fertility treatments? Like what is your bar for like we are in the same boat? Yes. And I do think it's good for people to be mindful when you're going through something, whatever it is, whether you're single or you've gone through a divorce or you're struggling with fertility or whatever your wound is, I think it's good for people to be mindful of like, how is this going to affect my ability to be there for other people?

Otherwise, it becomes really lonely. If nobody can talk to you about what they're going through because it's not as bad as you, like only the number one sufferer gets to suffer, it's going to really be a block to the emotional intimacy that you have in your relationships. She can't talk to you because it's not as bad as what you've gone through. So maybe it was in the phrasing. I could see that.

I don't totally dismiss this at all. She probably could have phrased it differently. But if she's feeling anxious after two months of trying, like I think if you're her good friend, she should be able to tell you that. I agree. I would give this a four because I understand the feeling of like everything is triggering, but I don't think it's this friend was really. I think she was trying to relate to you and probably get some advice from someone who's been through it for longer. Right. And so I think, yeah, I agree. I think this is a chance to get closer to embrace this chance for more intimacy with someone instead of making it like a suffer off. Right. And look, don't feel bad. Obviously, you're triggered. It's normal. I think a lot of people would be triggered by this in some way. But again, her options are either to talk to someone who's never gone through in any infertility. And then she gets to be the number one sufferer. Or she talks to you who's been through it, which I think she's going to get more out of that conversation by talking to you. And if you weren't triggered, you might be able to say, yeah, after two months, I did start to think about the what-ifs or whatever, like relate, you know,

you could relate to her. Right. Right. So yeah, I would agree with that. I think, you know, it's normal to feel this way, but I don't think this friend really did anything wrong, maybe just in her phrasing. Agreed. All right. Let's do one more. I will read it. All right. I love the pod and I really admire both of you. I'm currently sitting in the hospital with my daughter and I'm feeling triggered by an email I just received from my father-in-law. For context, my seven-year-old child is dealing with serious illness. It came back in May following a two-year remission. We're currently spending all day in the hospital so she can receive an infusion treatment. The whole ordeal is very scary and heartbreaking, but hopefully this treatment will put her back in remission. My in-laws live in

another state. We have an old sports car that is impractical for the city where we recently moved, and since my in-laws like the car and have room for it, they're using it for two years until we move back to the suburbs. My father-in-law sent me the email below in the middle of my daughter's infusion, no mention of his granddaughter or well-wishes of any kind. I know he knows about the treatment because I heard my husband tell him yesterday. In contrast, my parents have called her, sent a care package, and offered to fly out to help with my other three kids. Is this triggering or am I really just stressed about my child? Best, need a notary on the children's hospital.

And then I'll read the email. So the email is addressed to her and the husband and says, here's how we can get a license plate for your car. One, use the link below to get the state power of attorney form. Two, fill out the top part, but do not sign it. Three, in box two, appoint me as your temporary attorney. Use my name. Three, take the form to a notary and have your signature notarized.

Four, forward the signed notarized form to me along with an insurance certificate for the car. A copy will not work. I would like to have these by Tuesday of next week. That will allow me plenty of time to visit the county tag office and get plates. Love, Pa. All right, Pa. At least he said love. Yeah.

He did say love. He did say love and Pa is cute. I'm sure Pa is super cute. Yeah. I think if this email came in addition to a text, how's she doing? What's happening? How's it going? Like if this was just kind of, it sounded like he wanted to get this off of his plate,

he put it in email. He threw it out to her at the time of this happening. maybe for him it was a convenient time to take care of this. The fact that it came without any acknowledgement or a text message or a phone call or any other thing about what was going on, I could see why this is triggering. Right. Like at least in the, at least before he gets into here's how we can get a license plate for your car, at least hope, I hope a daughter, whatever her daughter's name is, is doing okay. I've been thinking about her. I know this might be a bad time.

I think you could still send the email with a little bit more of like a, I wanted to get this out. Obviously, you guys are in the middle of something big. So please take your time. The timeline is also triggering. The fact that he put like the deadline while they're in the hospital, that part is triggering because it's kind of like, this is not my priority at all.

And I will not be receiving deadlines from you about how to use. this extra car in a time that's convenient for you. That part was triggering too. That's the worst part, I think, where he's like, I'd like to have these by Tuesday of next week. I would call this insensitive. Yes. And look, there's a part of me that thinks like, okay, email is kind of like for business. So like, I could see even just sending the email as like, here it is in your inbox. When you want to get to it, you have all the instructions and a call or a, text about like the personal aspects of things in addition to this email, you know, where it's almost like you send an email midnight because you're thinking of something and

you want to get it off your plate. You don't expect that person to deal with it at that time. You're just like, I'm passing this over to you to handle. But the fact that he put the deadline in there and didn't show any other, I'm pretty sure shows of care, calling the daughter, calling them, texting to see how she's doing. And I think this is a bigger issue probably in feeling like my parents, as it sounds like her parents are doing so much to show like love and care and support through this really hard time. And her husband's parents aren't doing anything, which I think can just feel the anger is the outward emotion. But I think probably the bigger, harder emotion is like sadness for the daughter, like feeling like they don't really, they're not showing love or care for her.

And I don't think your daughter probably knows she's probably getting a lot of love from you. She's getting a lot of love from her other grandparents. But I could see there being like almost a sadness for the child of like, why don't these people care more about you? And that might make you feel sad. And I wonder if he know, I mean, I got to excuse the behavior, but I do wonder if he knows the extent of like what it means actually. Like the seriousness of the. And maybe they don't. live in a different state or they're not as close so they don't fully get it. I don't know.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, you can, and I think this might be a place where your daughter's still young. You have three other kids. Like this might be a place where you or your husband, perhaps, maybe more so, would want to communicate like this made us feel very unsupported that you're kind of like pulling resources from us while this is happening rather than offering resources to us while this is happening. And it just made us feel really unsupported. And, you know, it did make me feel like there's sort of a lack of care for daughter. And she can use all the love that she can get right now. I'm sure she's scared. These treatment, you know, infusions don't sound fun. There's, you know, invasive, you know,

kind of procedure that she has to go through and they're probably all really scared. So I think this is bigger than just the email. I think there's probably like a larger level of lack of support and care for the child where I know like even myself as a parent. If I feel like there's someone in my child's life, you know, that I just don't feel like really cares for them. It makes me almost sad for them, especially if they were already suffering to begin with. Even though I know in my heart, Like the kid, they're fine. They get enough love. There is something that just feels like, you know, sad that this person doesn't love them

the way that they should be feeling loved right now. So. Right. Yeah. All right. What would you give it then? I mean, I'll say I'll give this a six. I was going to say six.

I think that's a good one. Yeah. I'll give this a six. I do, I think this is a good spot for conversation. he might like you said be a little aloof maybe they don't aware they're not aware of how serious this is maybe you haven't really fully explained like what could happen if this doesn't go into remission or what it's like for her you know symptoms flare up or um so i think this might just be let this emotion inform you that they there needs to be a little bit more maybe communication

about what your expectations are from them as grandparents in this situation. Agreed. All right. Well, let us know how that conversation goes. Yeah. We did it. Thank you guys for your emails. Don't forget, you can email us in oversharing at betches.com or you can leave us a voicemail. Thank you guys for listening. Yeah, I really love the emails. I thank you for being vulnerable. It helps us help you and other people. So really appreciate you. Keep writing in. No question, too big or too small. We can handle it. All right, that's our time. Great work today. Betches.