Oversharing - Can I Cure My Husband’s Hoarding?

Episode Date: January 21, 2025

This week, Jordana and Dr. Naomi share their experience as guests on the Tamron Hall show, and discuss the ways that following your peers on social media can affect your mental health. Our Overshare comes from a newlywed Betch whose husband feels obligated to keep every piece of hand-me-down furniture and heirloom his family gives them. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a listener who did the impossible and turned a situationship into a relationship - but her sister won’t let her bring her boyfriend to the wedding. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for the resentment and stress that can manifest when you become the primary caretaker for an elderly relative. And we’re feeling triggered by exes who weren’t the marrying type until they moved on, and getting conned in the TSA line. If you’d like to get these episodes a day early and ad-free, plus two bonus episodes per month where we answer more emails and have follow-up conversations with listeners for real-time advice, make sure to subscribe at subscribe.betches.com! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham and I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How's it going? We had a big week for us in the oversharing community.

Well, the two of us anyway, the two leaders of the oversharing community. we had a TV appearance. Yes, we talked about it a few months ago when we recorded it, but it actually came out. I thought it was really cool. I was, to be honest, I was overstimulated by the entire thing. Like, I'm not used to this type of thing. Is this your first TV appearance? This is my first ever TV appearance.

I remember feeling when we were going through it kind of after the fact, feeling like that was so rushed. and TV communication is so weird. In real communication, when we communicate, I say something, and then you kind of build on that thing and take the conversation to like a deeper level. And on TV, it's kind of like, I say something, and then there's a new topic right away. And when I was going through it, I felt like, whoa,

that it almost felt like almost someone's not interested in what you're saying because they're changing the topic. But as it aired, I realized that's TV and it came out really good and it gave a good little snippet I think of what we do on this show. It did and yeah, sorry if we didn't give any

to go backwards on this, but we were invited to be on the Tamerun Hall show back in October and it came together pretty last minute but Naomi flew in from from Dallas for this and we was like literally like I had like stuff

all day before it so I literally and I was late so I literally like popped in, I think we saw each other for like half an hour. Yes. And then you had to go back to your flight and like, and I left too. And it was like very whirlwind like experience. And then when it aired, I was like, oh yeah, we did that thing.

Like it's coming out. Right. And it was crazy. I mean, it was really fun to watch. I thought it was a great segment. And there were some other cool podcasts that they featured on there too, which, you know, I'm sure you guys can find the link to. the entire show or to at least the part that we're on. We'll post it somewhere.

It's posted on the U-Up Instagram feed and I'm a collaborator. So you can see it on my Instagram feed at Trinana Abraham or the U-Up feed. Well, that's just like a snippet, but you can see the whole thing on YouTube if you check it out there. Yeah, it was it was super exciting, but I do, it pulled me into this place that is not your zen, not the comfy place. And I posted, I posted it, right? Because I was proud of it and I thought it was cool. And then I noticed myself like doing that thing where I'm like checking to see who likes it and reading the comments and like getting sucked into this almost. It instantly brings me to this like more, more, more place of like, oh, well, what if I could do this to get more.

more people to watch it or what if I could, you know, have this spin on, like it just got me to a place where I was like, people like it more, more, more. Like, what can I do to make more people like it? And then I have to catch myself and put my feet back on the earth and ground myself. I don't, I'm very conscious when that happens to my, to me. So we're feeling. Yeah. It's really putting a nail in your, uh, in your quest to be average. You and your, right? You and your family's quest for that for mediocrity for you and your children. And it isn't really, it's an interesting thought, right? It's kind of like, you know, I go back and forth with like, is it good to, you know, let's say during this time, I posted that, you know, and people like it.

And then I'm like, well, maybe we, I could do this or maybe I could do this other thing. And people will really like it. And we could get more, you know, more listeners. And, and, and it, That's not necessarily, that's what people do, right, when they have podcasts. They want more listeners. They want more popularity. It's normal. But I think it personally pulls me out of like my present life and my consciousness. But I don't think it's a bad thing.

So it is interesting to balance between like wanting more and wanting more people to like you and wanting more people to think you're smart and interesting and funny and also just not needing so much of that affirmation. So I was just aware of that. Well, it's like validation, right? It's like I totally get that. I feel that. I think everyone, I think that to not feel that,

that's like such a human feeling. I don't know anyone who could like, I mean, maybe there are people monks or something who could be totally unfazed. I just feel like that's very, it's such a human. thing. And it can create a monster if you don't, if it doesn't, if it goes like unchecked, I think, you know, like this quest, it's kind of like anything else. Like you get a little bit of money and then you're like, oh, how do I make more money? Or like you lose a little bit of weight and you get some compliments. And then you're like, well, how do I double down on this?

Yes. So I do think like you said, sort of just being present and being like mind, even like the key isn't, I think, to not feel that way. It's to sort of be mindful that you are feeling that way. Exactly. Like watching yourself feel that way. So that's what it was for me. But I noticed I was making comparisons like thinking about other podcasters and other psychologists and what are they doing and how am I measuring up to other, you know, different people in the field. And I think that's normal to an extent. But it did shake up my whole system a little bit. Yeah. It's hard. It's easier to stay in your own lane when you're like in a little bubble for sure. Like in the, if I was off, I think I saw an interview about this. I talked about this in the different podcast, um, about,

I forget who it was, but it was someone asking someone else like, how do you not get competitive? I think it was a singer. She's like, how do you not get competitive with like these other, um, these other singers accomplishing this and accomplishing that? Is there like a rivalry or whatever? And she's like, I'm not on social media. So I don't even, I'm not paying attention to that. So I don't even know what they're doing. So I don't care. It's like the only way to not care is to almost like not know, which is why I try not to follow anyone that doesn't, that makes me like envious of their life or makes me feel like they're doing something better than I'm doing it. And some people might say that's like almost petty, like you should be inspired by what someone's doing. Right. But to me,

I'm like, I want to stay in my lane. I don't want to be constantly comparing myself to someone. To me, the worst influencers are almost like the people, or at least the worst influencers for me to follow where the people who are like within reach like slightly above what I'm doing like I can follow Beyonce and not be like how did she manage to get on that yacht like it's a little too far ahead of me that way but someone who's kind of like doing what I'm doing and and like they did something better than me it does make me feel a little bit inadequate totally yes I can totally relate to that and I think there's different like sometimes when I have

patients where they're struggling with confidence or body image or just comparisons. I'll say, like, go through your social media and anyone who you don't genuinely have, like, love and care for where if they're doing well, you're going to be like happy for them. I'm not saying you have to be happy for everyone all the time. There's like that maybe tinge of jealousy about something, but if overall you're not connected to them in any way where like their joy brings you some kind of joy. then that might be a good person to just step back from following. Or what does it really bring? Yeah, mute.

Exactly. Mute is the best thing that's ever happened to Instagram. And I'm one more note on your, on what you were saying about the TV format. And I totally agree with that. And I agree with that. And I agree with that also about like Instagram too. I know you're not really on Instagram.

But I also think, I mean, you can at least there, you have a little bit more control. But that's why I love the podcast medium. Like when I started doing podcast, I was like, this is my happy place. Because you can really have really in-depth, really nuanced conversations that really are very difficult to have almost anywhere else. Any other public forum because. Right. Exactly. It's like a pop-in, pop out, which felt really weird. But they put it together nicely.

Like they know what they're doing. The producers and Tameran was awesome. Like she knew how to keep the conversation moving. So nice. Yeah. And I mean, to give a little anecdote about a different experience that I had, last year I was on CBS mornings talking about baby steps and fertility.

And I left that recording sort of feeling like similar, I think, to maybe you did, but almost like less comfortable. And again, that was like, everyone was so super professional. Everyone, like, did what they were supposed to do. Everyone there was really nice and really kind. But I just felt like after that, I was like, this topic is so heavy and so, like, meaningful to me and is so much like, it just can't be, like, really expressed in this five-minute segment of, like, fairly surface-level questions because they have to be because you can't

really get into a full, deep conversation about something. And I left that recording and I was like, this didn't feel like me at my best because this just didn't feel like the kind of medium that I thrive in. And some people are really good at it. So I think maybe we have a lot in common in that way. And I think on that, and again, I think thank you so much for any opportunity to go on TV. I always think it's like kind of incredible. But it did make me think like just because something is like good press,

just because something is like offered to you, it doesn't mean that it's like right for you. Right. Well, that's also why I admire you and this, you know, this format like you said is great. But I can imagine going in that context and talking about these feelings that are really deep and really intense and just leaving their feeling

just kind of raw and exposed. Right. Like I could totally see that being the case. If I was on TV and you have like two sentences to talk about like your deepest feelings of the most important thing in your life. And then it's like, okay. And on for a commercial break. You're like, whoa, I just like opened up this wound. Weird wound.

Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, I felt like a little bit for my, and myself, I almost felt like, oh, I felt like I sold myself. I sold out my like brain or something or you know what I mean or my body or I don't know what it was like. I felt like I had agreed to this thing for like this promotional feeling. But and like kind of what you're saying like this, you know, I'm on CBS mornings. Like that's great. But then I was like at what, I don't know if that felt right.

Right. Did you feel different watching it? Because I felt very different when I was in it than when I watched it back. Like I feel like when I watched it back, it felt like it was giving the listeners just enough of a snippet. for them to understand what you're talking about, what there is, and then it's on them to kind of go and dig in more and hear the whole lengthy episode where you're really digging in. But I think at least I felt like after watching it, it made sense.

It's like, here's what you're going to get. Boom, boom, boom. If you want to hear more, listen to the podcast. Right. You know. Yeah. No, I think it's like when you see the edited version, it all kind of comes together. But I think it's, and again, our, I think our segment, a little lighter.

more fun. Yes. So again, I'm glad, I'm glad for any press opportunities. I'm happy that people care. It was so nice to be featured on some of their favorite podcast lists for, you know, something that feels so personal to us. So overall, really good experience, kind of crazy again, to be like in and out and do it. But it's almost better sometimes.

Less time to like overthink it. Yes, there was not time to overthink it. It was really fun. And I just, you know, those that the dopamine hit, like I said, you know, it's funny because I feel so out of it. Like I don't post a lot on social media for this reason. But the posting and then checking back in for like those dopamine hits of people saying like, oh my God, this is amazing. You guys killed it. You know, it's like great.

But it is not doing it makes me realize how addictive that really is. It's like, it changes your, like I felt it in my body, like this activation of positive feedback from people that I, you know, haven't seen or heard from since high school. And it's like, oh, yay, they like me. Yeah. It's it's just a weird feeling when you're used to just kind of like putting your head down and staying in your own lane. So. Totally. And it's so. It's so interesting. I think it's like, it's interesting to watch you who's so mentally healthy. Obviously, like you're a therapist, but I just do feel like you're super grounded and super like aware of how everything affects you. And I wonder if part of that, obviously it's inherent to who you are, not taking anything away from that. But I'm in a generation where like we grew up. I got Facebook

in like, I don't know, senior year of high school. And I would only imagine. So I'm like partially in it. It's like in college and the end of high school. school. By then, you're like more developed than you are. Right. And middle school, we're like, if you're born after the year 2000, you're just sort of like, that's how you get all your validation. Like there was no. Yes. And you know what happens? It, it's almost like, it's a weird analogy, but it's like almost like growing up in like a chaotic or traumatic home with, your parents that are like constantly like coming like if you had a bipolar parent that was like telling you how amazing you were and how much they loved you and like you're the best thing ever

and then two days later they're like oh you look fat like don't wear you know whatever if there's like bullying or you're watching videos that make you feel badly about yourself it's like your parent coming in and telling you you're not enough like you need to do more you're never going to get into a good college or it's just like this roller coaster of affirmation and self-criticism that's coming from your phone, that you kind of just, that becomes like your baseline of functioning where I didn't have all this like feedback. Yes, you have a friend or, you know, a boy likes you or a friend, you know, you have real life stuff, but I didn't grow up with my baseline was like constantly having these huge dopamine hits from people liking your photos

and making comments first and then like on the flip side whatever the negative is that comes with that. Totally. Now that I have when I do have it on these rare occasions, I'm very aware of how it affects my nervous system and how it like affects my emotional energy. Whereas if you're living, if you're always living in that, I don't think you're as aware. So that's the one thing I would say for people that are really in it is just, just like you said, don't expect yourself not to feel away about it,

but just if you can have that consciousness of like, I am aware that I am feeling X, Y, Z, whatever that is. Right. Yeah, I think the awareness is key. And it's hard for like, you know, teens who have, again, studies show like poorer rates of mental health than I think they ever have, which totally makes sense. And like that level of regulation,

I do think is like a very mature thing to have that most people don't have. So I think it's kind of like if you could teach your kids anything, it's that. It's how to like figure out what makes them feel good, what makes them feel bad, and like learn how to like listen to themselves to decide who to follow and where to give their attention. And someone, something I also read somewhere was like, which rang very true, was like your attention is like your currency today. Oh my gosh. Yes, I love that.

You know, like that's like the thing that you have limited attention. Like where are you putting it? That's actually going to determine how happy you are. Like we all get the same amount of hours in a day. We all get the same amount of attention. Where are we putting it? Yes, I love that. And we spoke about this once a while back about social media for kids.

And a listener gave feedback that I thought that I really took to heart, that I thought was interesting, which was more like instead of restricting so much. Like I'm trying to control my kids attention. Like I'm trying to say, no, you may not look at this. No, you may not look at that versus the feedback was kind of like maybe the better thing to do is to just let them look at whatever they're going to look at, but help them process through that. Like when you pay attention to this, how does it make you feel? When you pay attention to that, how does it make you feel? So I think that is a great thing to pass down to the generations that the reality is they're going to be in this and more about becoming

conscious of how all of whatever they're taking in is making them feel when they pay attention to TikTok versus when they pay attention to a sunset. Right. How does that make you feel? It's kind of like they used to, in our day, what they used to talk about, like, you know, sex. Like if they're going to have sex anyway, like teach them how to be safe. Yes.

Yes. Yes, yes. And exactly along those lines, okay, you had sex with someone. How did that make you feel afterwards? Like, did you feel really connected and loved by them? Then maybe that is a good thing for you to do with that person. Did you feel used and discarded afterwards? Well, maybe that is something for you to look at versus, you know, telling them you're always going to feel used and discarded after sex. And maybe they won't. You know, maybe they will feel loved and connected. So we have to give them that chance to, you know, figure that out. So. Yeah, lots of introspection around this, but I hope you guys check it out. Good segue into our subscription offerings, which is what you're saying, this longer platform where we get to hear from listeners. And even what we do here where we get like a concise email, the idea that we are going to be talking to some of our listeners in person and being able to go to that little deeper a place, like where you felt kind of open, exposed, and raw just because it was so in and out,

I'm looking forward to talking to more of our listeners and really being able to dig in. And our subscriptions, just as a reminder, if you subscribe, you're going to get the episodes a day early and ad free. And we have our bonus episodes. We're going to have two bonus episodes a month. We got rid of the meditations, although you can still listen to them. They're in the backlog of the U-Up subscription area. So the ones we already did, still accessible to you. But we're going to have two bonus episodes, one where we speak to a listener and another one where we either do feedback or something else really great.

And again, if you have anything that you guys really would love to hear from us, email us at oversharing at Betches.com because we're always taking your feedback. But this month, the bonus episodes, but there's already one out and there's going to be another one coming out on the 30th. in subsequent months, they'll be out on the second and fourth Thursday of the month. So, really excited to bring those to you. Again, we want to give you what you guys want. So if you have any thoughts on the subscription episodes, if there's something else you'd like us to do, we are always tweaking things. And we love your feedback because this is a community

for you. And we want to make sure that you guys are loving it. So email us oversharing at Betches.com. Also, if you have a regular oversharing question, you can email us. at that email. Or if you have a voicemail, we have another voicemail today. We get such great voicemails. You can call 646, 363, 6294. And Naomi, if you want to, if you want, I wouldn't say one-on-one access, but if you want one on a group access to speak directly to Dr. Naomi, I promise it's worth every penny. I feel that way whenever I speak to her. Like, I should be paying, but I'm not. But if you want direct access to Dr. Naomi, Naomi, tell them how to get in one of your groups. Yes, come check out my website, Naomi Bernstein.com. You can find out all the

details about what my groups are about. You can reach out and just get any more information that you want on that. I have about six groups running right now, so hopefully you can find one that works for you. But I would love to, you know, I love meeting our listeners and hearing what's going on in their real lives. And it's, you know, I get to kind of give you some feedback and help and, you know, help guide you in terms of whatever it is that you're struggling with, but the community is incredible. You don't realize it until you try it. So Naomi Bernstein.com, check it out. Get me up if you want to join. Yes. All right. Let's get into our show. Let's do it. I'll read our first email. Hi, Trinna and Dr. Naomi. Huge Betches fan here. I've listened to Oversharing for a while now,

and I'm so appreciative of your funny, thoughtful insight into so many relatable problems. I've never emailed into a podcast before, so bear with me. I got to, I just got married in December to my partner of seven years, and I'm so happy. We are both in our early 30s, work from home full time, and live in a major U.S. city. My husband's brilliant, kind, funny, all the nice things. We've lived together for about four years in a one-bedroom apartment. We're moving to a larger apartment in a couple of weeks and couldn't be more excited. Since we both work from home, we're excited to have more space to spread out during the day.

We are also upgrading some of our furniture. I've had the same shitty TV stand since college and I can't wait to burn it, aka sell it on Facebook Marketplace. And we received some new and much nicer home goods like dishes, towels, et cetera, as wedding gifts. The problem of encountering is that my husband doesn't want to get rid of any of our old stuff. Nearly all the stuff he moved to our city with almost 10 years ago now

are hand-me-downs from his grandparents and even great-grandparents. He says he doesn't want to get rid of these things because they were gifts from family members who were important to him. I should note that most of these family members have now passed away. It would be one thing if we were talking about a couple of bespoke dishes, faces, quilts, etc. But he is emotionally attached to a chipped, ugly mismatched set of dishes like a set of dishes to feed a family of 10, a dresser with a splintered wood, and nails sticking out of it, and the world's tiniest thinnest bath towels that must be at least 50 years old.

Additionally, every time his parents come visit, they bring more old stuff. A couple years ago, they brought an old camera, we've never used it, and a violin, neither of us play. My husband's family is extremely tight-knit, and I know that he wants to keep these things because he has fond memories of his loved ones. I feel guilty pushing him to donate these things, but we don't use them. We always opt for using the newer, nicer things, and even in our new apartment, we don't really have space to keep everything. I find clutter and disorganization really stressful, and I don't have the same emotional attachment to stuff. So it's difficult for me to relate to how he's feeling. I really want to get rid of his old stuff to have a neater, more organized,

and honestly more aesthetic home. how can I gently communicate my position, which is that if everything is a fairly heirloom, then nothing is a family heirloom. And that it's okay to donate or get rid of step that we don't need or use, even if those things were gifts. Or am I in the wrong and should I shift my perspective?

Thanks so much. Catch me on hoarders, batch. Yeah, and that's kind of what's at the root of hoarding in general. Like maybe she's joking about the hoarding thing, but a lot of times at the root of hoarding. is like grief and loss and trying to cling to a person or a life through objects that take up a lot of space. Right.

And maybe a fear that one day he'll need. I think that's another thing. It's like possibility. It's like sometimes people have fear like one day I'll need this. I don't want to get rid of it just in case I need it. Right. Well, this sounds, I don't know. This sounds more like my hunch is.

I could be wrong. I know some people hoard in the, you know, around like, oh, I have this Halloween costume from, you know, 2012 that I think might, I might want to wear again. I might need this versus this, which I think is attached to most likely feeling like it would be disrespectful or dishonoring his grandparents or great grandparents to throw away these things that they gifted to him. Right. I think there is something there around like this feels like it's almost like throwing them away. That's true because he's not talking about like, oh, and I had this problem with Mike where he's like wants to keep 700 bandanas from his college days. Even though he's never worn a bandana like outside of a frat party. Right.

So these are all seem to have a specific thing in common like you're saying. And yeah. And even with Mike, maybe it's, I don't know. if he dug deep, if it's about like maybe one day I'll need these bandanas or maybe it like reminds me of a time in my life. Right. You know, like it reminds me of my college days or like, you know, that part of my life. So, you know, if I were her, I would dig a little deeper with him. Because what happens sometimes I think with these situations is the symptom of the problem is irritating.

like she's irritated by him clinging to all these things. So then she's kind of leaning out from the emotions on it because it feels like, well, if you validate the emotions, then he's going to be like, yes. And that's why I want to keep this chip dresser and these like little bath towels that are horrible that nobody uses. And I validate the irritation. Like it's super irritating to have a one-bedroom apartment and like have a violin in that just taking up valuable space that could be like for your actual clothes or like dishes

that you actually use totally i totally get it um and i i do wonder so like i would lean in with questions about his emotional experience with his grandparents maybe open up space for him to talk about that um and like what were to come up for him if you were to think about like taking the chipped dresser with like nails poking out and put it all. on the curb. Like what would come up for you genuinely and listening to him and like allowing him space to say that would feel so disrespectful or that would feel but then also maybe helping him realize that like keeping this dresser, it's not the most rational thought that keeping this dresser is going to be the best way to honor his grandparents' memory. There's other ways that he could honor their

memory other than like keeping this you know old dresser um yeah and i mean i read i read that book the marie condo book life changing magic of tidying up like probably seven or eight years ago yeah does she address like emotional attachment oh totally yeah i mean she's kind of she's a little more ruthless um right and like she's like if there's photos like you should keep one photo she i remember this part because it was like it felt especially ruthless but she was like if there's like someone has a and and I don't know in her mind it's like you should have like 10 things total I'm exaggerating but yeah um her thing she addresses like sentimentality okay and she's like yes you can keep like you can keep like one thing that makes it reminds you of that person

and feels like the most pick like the most important thing or the most you know the thing that has the most meaning to you and she says this even for pictures like if you were looking through and most people wouldn't do this. Like, let's say, and I've come across your pictures from like your college days. You're like, like disposable, like your. Right, right. Yeah. Right.

And I, and she's like for something like that, pick the one picture that. That it feels like the most meaningful to you. And throw the rest out. And I remember reading that and being like, whoa, that feels like extreme. Yes. But I do think there's something to that. Like, you really only need to. one thing to make you feel that way.

And the rest is sort of just like, you get like marginally, I would imagine you feel marginally less nostalgic as you see like a blurred out picture of someone's. Yes. Thumb in the, I mean, that's an extreme example. But even like, here's some pictures of some people

that you haven't spoken to in 15 years. Totally. Even like childhood pictures. She does it with too. Like, I mean, I think that's extreme to pick one childhood picture. Yes. And photos. take up so little space too that like, I mean, unless you have like thousands.

Right. Well, I was using that because it's like, to me, it was like the most extreme example. Extreme. Right. But if she's speaking to her husband and he's like, you know, this reminds me of this time and I want to keep it. Like I could see saying like, all right, let's pick one item appropriately sized. Yes. That makes you feel really connected to like these people or this time or your family.

like let's keep it. And then the rest isn't, you don't need like 700 items to feel that way. Yes, exactly. I do think there's probably something in feeling like guilt in throwing it away, like that you're discarding them or you're dishonoring them or something around that that makes it hard to get rid of the stuff, even though you know that you can have that feeling from one item. But I do think there's a lot of practical ways that you can also, like there's all these websites that you can go to and like upload pictures of, I even saw one, let's say, I do think his family's involved in this too in some way.

I mean, they keep bringing them over. Yes. More shit. Yes. So here's what a practical suggestion is like when his mom brings over the violin, you sit her down on the couch and I saw a, you know, a website that basically does this.

You could take a picture of the item and you take a video of the person who actually like knows what the item is, where it's from, tells a story about it, and they put it in a book where you attach like a little QR code. And when you scan the QR code, his mom's video comes up where she's saying, oh, this was the violin that your grandfather used when he was, you know, in the symphony and it's, you know, it was such an important, whatever his story is. And then you kind of like have the image of the item and the story that goes with it without actually having to keep the item. Is that story worth? No, I don't know if Storyworth does that, but there was another one.

I forget what the name of it was. But it was something similar, but more like for these objects. I could seem like it was more geared towards like getting rid, like heirlooms that you don't necessarily want to have in your presence, but you can hold the story of the heirloom or the object. And another practical suggestion, and I did this with Jeff once too, where he had this rug that was like his, parents got from Asia. It was some kind of, you know, it was some kind of a family heirloom and he loved it. And I really didn't like, it was pretty, but it wasn't like the aesthetic that I was going for. And it was a huge rug that would kind of like define the room if you put that rug in.

Right. And so I took a picture of the pattern on the rug and I used it to make him like this little cigar box guitar thing. It's like a, so sweet. Yeah. So I like put the pattern onto something that he actually wanted and would use and was smaller and he could keep in his own separate space versus this, you know, 12 by 17 rug that we were probably not going to use for an entire room. So maybe doing something, maybe you want to refinish the dresser, maybe you want to like take the towels and turn them into a throw blanket. Yeah. The towels one seems particularly absurd.

Like I would not at all. I can't imagine a scenario where I would feel dishonored if I'm dead that my like ancestors didn't use my old hand towels. Right. I mean, you wiped your bunk crack with those like 75 years ago. Right. I would think it was like weirder that they kept it than you know. Right. I think these are all great practical solutions. Hopefully some of them help. But I validate. Lean in. Lean in. Let him. I think he needs to talk about like the deeper stuff behind us. That's the bottom line. Yes. And like you could do the Marie Condo exercise also, which is what she does, which I did when I cleaned out my closet when I was like 26 was you pick up. And this is for every any item. But you pick up the item and then you say, does this item bring you joy. And if the item doesn't bring you joy, you toss out. Yep. And if it does, you keep it. Right. Well, we're coming to visit you and Maddie already said that if you have any luxury brand. items that no longer bring you joy, that she would love to take them off your hands. I would love to give them to. Honestly, after reading that book, I do have a much easier time getting rid of stuff. I do feel like it's a really, I recommend the book. It's the show I don't

recommend, but the life-changing magic of tidying up actually does make you go. She actually warns against giving your shit to someone else, which as many, as someone with many sisters, she's like, don't make that someone else's problem. Right. But with Maddie, I think she would actually really appreciate. Oh, appreciate it. Yeah, because she's so little. And yeah, in-laws do this, too. They don't want to get rid of it, right?

Like the parents, they probably feel like it's disrespectful to throw this thing out. So I'm just going to pass it on to you guys. And then it's your guilty responsibility to get rid of this thing. And they'll probably hold it until it's their kid's guilty responsibility. And then someone will read this book and dump it eventually. Read the book. dump it all, your life will be. And also here's the thing when you

you realize that so many things that you get rid of, you never think about again. Like you never, ever think about them again. Yeah. Like if you're, it would like, the fear is that like a year from now, you'll be like, oh, I can't believe I got rid of that dress that I wore to like my cousin's wedding six years. Like no one ever thinks about it.

And even if you had a little tiny moment of like, ugh, I could have worn that dress tonight. Okay, wear a different dress. Right. Totally. Let's move on. Do you want to read our betchesist? Sure thing. Jordana and Dr. Naomi, longtime listener, love the pod. Here is my situation that I would really value an outside opinion on. My little sister, two and a half years younger, is getting married this fall. She has asked me to be her maid of honor. I said yes, and I'm getting a plus one to the wedding. Sounds simple enough, right? Here's the dilemma.

I have been in a situation ship for several years now that has recently turned into a real relationship. I'm confident this is the man I'll be with long term. Throughout the years of our situation ship, I lamented to my sister about the not so positive moments, never highlighting the positive. Result, she claims to hate this man. She has not met him yet. All said, she has told me that, yes, I get a plus one, but no, I cannot bring him as it will, quote, ruin the one wedding she gets. She's suggested I can bring a friend. I guess the primary question is whether the invite or gets a say in who the invitee brings

as their plus one. For example, if I were a friend of hers who got a plus one, would she have to approve them? The suggestion that I bring a friend is such a fuck you to me. I'm invested in this person and this relationship. There's no one I'd rather bring. I also don't want to be the single older sister who brings a friend to her younger sister's wedding. I'm 30 and already feel behind on my timeline.

Finally, she's requiring a lot of help from me in planning the wedding. And as maid of honor, it's expected that I plan the bachelorette. But why go to such efforts when I'm given an ultimatum? Part of me wants to just tell her to find a different maid of honor and I'll come as a guest. How do I approach this? I feel like she has the leverage. And if I don't capitulate, she'll spin a story about how I didn't want to be her made of honor for some asinine reason.

Do I just take the L and let her win? Help a defeated betch. Well, congratulations on turning the impossible into a reality. Getting a real relationship out of a years-long situation. Very impressive. Well, that was my first question is like, is this legit, right? Like, is this really a relationship? If there's any chance that this is still swimming in situation ship land,

I don't know that you want to push this in this particular way. It does sound like she said it's a real relationship. So we'll have to believe that it's a real relationship. Right. All right. We'll go with that. Yes. We'll go with that.

And, you know, I as someone who's been in a situation ship, can attest to probably how excited she feels at the idea that this person who she's had this, you know, sort of like toxic on again, off again thing with as like has gotten to a place where they've said they're being her boyfriend. Yes. And they want to meet her family at this wedding. Like that's a kind of a big deal. Yeah.

And if you think about like the dopamine hit from like a regular guy being like committing to you or wanting to be in a relationship or come to your family's wedding, I would say increase that excitement of the roller coaster probably by 20 just because like this has been like some weird intermittent reinforcement situation she's probably got from this person for many years. That being said, because of that, I think, here's the thing, I can understand why the sister hates him. I think the sister is being like, I kind of agree with the person who's writing in that, you know, if she wants to bring this person, if she likes this person, this person hasn't done anything bad to her sister, it's really on her. I don't think she's not like she's saying the

the guy is going to cause a scene or she's worried he's going to ruin something. She just doesn't like him. It sounds like she doesn't really know him, but she doesn't really like him because of what you've told it to her. Right. But it's not like you're asking him for him to be in the pictures. Like I think the plus one is not for the bride. It's for the person that you're giving the plus one to.

So I validate that and I do think the sister should give her a plus one. Yeah. And let her bring whoever she wants. Right. It is, it's, the sister's trying to. the outcome of this relationship, which is kind of silly. It's not like even if she doesn't let him come to this wedding, they're still going to be together. And if they end up together, they're going to have a wedding and you're going to have to show up to that. And you're going to have to have a

relationship with this person to an extent. So I think I see that there's like a loving part of the sister kind of saying, I'm trying to protect you from this person. And I have negative feelings towards him because I'm being protective of you. And so therefore it's going to influence me a little bit to being having like a negative mode in my mind. Like I'm not going to look at every single person at this wedding and feel loving, warm feelings towards them. But that little pang of I have to look at someone who's not my favorite person on my

wedding day, I don't think is worth what she's the type of control that she's trying to exert. onto her sister here. And I think this happens a lot with like best friends or close friends or siblings. When someone you love is dating someone that you don't think is good for them, it's really hard. It's hard to just kind of let them go and say this is not my choice. This is their choice. I think this is clearly just the sister trying to control the direction of this relationship,

which I don't think is fair. And maybe they do need to have more. This might be a good opportunity to bring the boyfriend. And, you know, maybe they could have a dinner before the wedding. That might be a good thing to do. Like if you're going to bring him to say, hey, maybe the four of us can go out to dinner sometime before the wedding. So this isn't like the first time you're meeting him.

And he can perhaps address. Like, I know it's been a while. And, you know, we've been. through ups and downs or whatever, you know, but I really care about your sister and something, whatever it is. Yeah. Not on the wedding day. I could see that being tough.

I don't know what their logistics are if they live near each other or not, but if that's an option, I would ask for that first and see if that warms her up a little bit. I think that's a good idea. I can imagine she's probably like scared to like do that with the guy, just knowing probably like the tension and also that it's probably, it sounds like it's a new relationship, it's newly a real relationship, so I can see why she's like,

I don't want to fuck this up. But, I mean, here's the thing. Probably won't work out, right? But that's okay. I think what she should say to the sister is like, have a little self-awareness of that. Listen, she's going to talk to the sister on her own. Listen, I know,

you're probably sick of hearing me talk about this guy and probably like dumbfounded how I'm somehow in a relationship with this person who I've told you is done, you know, done all this withholding or done or, you know, hasn't really respected me or hasn't put me first or didn't really prioritize being in a relationship with me. I can understand how that feels like you feel like I don't know what I'm doing or you feel like this is not going to work. And like, and then she could say it won't work. That's totally possible. I feel like I need to give it a real go so that if it doesn't work, I can see it through. And honestly, at this point in time, and maybe this won't be like this next year or in a few months, I feel really happy being with him and I really want to bring him.

And I think that, if you explain it in that way, like validating why she wouldn't want him there. I think that does soften it if you can validate. Like if roles were reversed and you had a guy that was like kind of dragged him. you through the mud for several years, she writes, I think. I would probably also not be that excited to meet him, especially to meet him for the first time on my wedding day. Like I could understand how you feel, but and then everything you just said.

So I do validate that. The one thing I would caution that you kind of touched on before is like, they've been in a situation ship for a long time, several years now. And I think if you are in a real relationship, you've known each other for several years, if you still feel like you're walking on eggshells, where if like you bring this up to him

or you address the fact that the last few years with him have been tough and that it's affected your sister's view of him, like I think you need to be able to talk about all that honestly and openly and not feel like, oh, whoa, this is going to be too much for him and he's going to run. Like, if he's going to run, let him run. Well, that's why I'm saying, like, if she's afraid to do that, they're probably, I don't

see the relationship lasting very long, but she's going to need to figure that out. Yes. On her own, as we all do. And again, like, that's why I'm kind of like, as someone who's been in it, I can understand nothing anyone's going to say. She's like, I'm not going to be like, and now you have to prove yourself to my sister. He's going to be like, fuck off. In which case, that's what I'm saying.

I think it's unhealthy. It's not, but I don't see her being like, I'm going to have him prove how different it is now. I think she's going to be too scared to do that. Yeah, I agree with you probably, but if you're listening, if you are afraid of him leaving when you're in a relationship,

then you're not that, it's not that different than the situation ship. Right, just has a label on it now. just has a label on it. Like the point of being in a relationship, sort of, is like there is some security that this person's not just going to leave

because they don't like something that you bring up. Or like there's a conversation that's like too intense for them. So that's what I'm trying to say is if like she can't address this with the boyfriend and even perhaps have an open conversation with the sister after several years of this, like, I'm nervous also. I mean, I don't think she should be controlling who you have. So I'll say that flat out. I think she's trying to control your relationship.

But I think for you to be introspective, if you're still afraid of upsetting this guy to the point where he's going to renege or leave, like, that's not a good sign. And that's, if it's not this, it's going to be something else that you have to be walking on eggshells to make sure that you maintain this relationship status that you've been working towards for several years. So I'll just say that. I agree with that. That's true. I just think harder to implement than said. Yes, totally. No, I get it. And look, if you go through it, you're going to go through it. I hope she does let him come because I think you've got to figure this

out for yourself. And her telling him he can't come isn't going to change whether or not you date him or not. So agreed. Have some conversations. Give us an update on this one. Yeah, I love that. Yes, for sure. All right, let's do some intentions. I'll read them. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I love the podcast. I was hoping you could help me set some intentions when it comes to caring for elderly parents. My father-in-law is 72 and has had Parkinson's for at least 15 years. Naturally, it's a disease that only progresses, especially with age. My husband and I are fairly young.

Him 31, me 28. And we are his sole caretakers. My husband's mom passed away. from cancer in 2017, and he has no other siblings or family members alive slash around to help out with his care. It's just us. Being a young, newlywed couple and solely responsible for his care is starting to be strenuous. We both work full time and with only 48 hours on the weekend to live our lives, caring for my father-in-law takes up most of the day every Sunday. From running errands to doing chores around the house, every Sunday I become extremely irritable about the situation. What can I do to not be so pissed off every Sunday and let it ruin my day. My weekly feelings about the situation are also starting to make me think that if I don't even have the patients to care for an elderly

parent, how could I even manage having kids? I know he doesn't have much time left and I want to make the best of it without being so annoyed while still supporting my husband. Getting this annoyed and pissed off about the situation also makes me feel like such a bitch and that I'm an uncaring bad person. For context, my husband and I have discussed different care options, in-home care, assisted living. Him and I are on the same page that we need something, but every time we bring it up to his dad, the conversation goes nowhere and he sees no need, which is not true. He's in a walker, has moved completely to the first floor of their home, has a medical rising recliner chair because he can't get up from sitting down, installed bathroom assistant bars, and has life alert, necklace

slash buttons throughout the house, basically an in-home nursing home. I'm so tired of being pissed off every week about this, and I know it's putting a strain on my husband as well. How can I enjoy my days off, but still be supportive and provide care. Please help me set some intentions to get through this. Thanks, tired of being irritated daughter-in-law. Yeah, wow. I, first of all, I want to normalize your feelings and it doesn't make you having these feelings do not make you evil. It does not mean you can't be a parent one day. Like I want to come out and say that first off. Like caring for an elderly parent, that's not even your actual parent from your childhood. That's like your husband's parent,

it's like a lot of the work and not the joy that you get from like a smiling baby or like a cute toddler or. Right. And with the baby, you're kind of opting into that. This is a lot more like not, you know, not something that that you've chosen and thought out and decided to do.

This is something that you kind of have to do. So I do think it's a different scenario to address. that point. Yeah. And I, my first thought is that it's really important that you know your limits with this. And I don't know the nitty gritty details of the schedule and what he needs and how it's working out. But I don't know that you both need to be doing this every single Sunday. I don't know that you can take turns. I get that you probably want to be with your husband and spend time with him, but if this is something that's really depleting you, and I think depleting your ability to have that type of emotional connection with him that probably makes this type of thing easier.

You know, like caring for someone at the end of their life, I think, is the biggest honor there is. Right. You're like the last person that they get to connect with, and you get to connect with them in the last moments of their life. You know, like I have very personal experience around this. Maybe I'll share on the subscriber episode. But I, it's really important, I think, to be able to connect with somebody at the end of their life.

So I think if you can have enough space, if she can have enough space to not feel burnt out, then she's going to show up in a more present empathic way of like recognizing this as an honor versus seeing this as just a chore because she's burnt out from it. So you may have to do that hard thing that's going to feel really bad and you're probably going to have some guilt around like, we're just hiring someone and we're going to send them. And, you know, unfortunately making the dad kind of make the choice of like, it's either going to be this person that's bringing your groceries in

and putting them away and like helping you fix light bulbs or it's not going to get done. Like I do think that's really hard to do or whatever. That's just one idea or maybe you guys take turns and you don't go every single Sunday or whatever you can do. I think she's burnt out and she needs to figure out a way where she's not doing this quite as often so that when she does show up, she's showing up with that real mindful like honoring of this man's life and her role in it. I think that's great advice because I think that like showing up when you're feeling of I really don't want to be here. I'm resentful. And it is going to be a really bad energy probably that you're bringing to the relationship, to the caretaking.

And I think it would be like, I mean, the father-in-law probably doesn't think this because he's probably like, I don't want a stranger here. but I think someone with a better attitude about it would actually probably make him feel better too. Right. And that was my original advice was like, was going to be leaning into mindfulness with your father-in-law. Like, you know, looking at his hands and like the, you know, little, the way his skin, you know, old people's skin is like so soft and, you know, just hearing the sound of his voice, like, being very present. present with him and honoring these, you know, what it sounds like maybe are his last, you know, years on earth. But that's really hard to do when you're resentful and angry and tired and burnt out and annoyed. It's hard to do every week. Yeah. Yes. Anything is hard to do every week that you have to do. Yes. So I don't know what that is. And I know there's going to be guilt around just

saying, hey, sorry, we can't do this anymore every Sunday. So this person's going to come and we're going to come every other Sunday. And maybe even her, every other Sunday is her once a month. If the husband wants to do it once, you know, every other and she does it every other. Yeah. And I can understand the fear of being like, I, I, I, these people need me. I'm married. This is like what I'm supposed to be doing. And I don't want to come off like, I'm trying to get out of this thing or I'm not being supportive of my family. Yes. But there's other options.

There's no, that feeling shouldn't stop you from lessening your own burden. Right. And I think if she says it in that way, sort of like, I love your dad. And I want, when I'm with him, I want to be like really present and mindful and conscious. And I want to honor him and listen, really listen to him and not feel like I'm rushing out the door, you know, because it's my only day off. Like, I want to be able to sit and, like, hear his stories and, you know, do a puzzle with him and make him feel loved and cared for. Because I think the alternative is, like, people go in, like, all right, what do you need

done? Do this, do that. And then the older person almost, like, creates tasks because that's what keeps you there. Right. They might, like, make up more stuff that they need you to do. just because you seem to be there to do the job instead of you being there to just be with them, which is, again, hard to do when you're feeling burdened by the whole thing. So I think you need a reset, you need a cleanse. If you can say, I'd love to show up once a month in a really present way, and your husband can show up once a month in a really present way, and then you can hire somebody to show up twice a month in a present way.

I do think maybe you could alleviate some of the guilt that he's going to be getting people with more heart-open energy when he gets them. And yeah, that's going to be hard. You're going to have to breathe through the discomfort of he doesn't like this stranger in his house and he doesn't want that and he feels bad and you're worried that he feels lonely. There's going to be a lot and you're just going to have to relax into that discomfort and knowing that. you're doing this for a reason so that you can show up in a more present way. So the intention that I wrote for her is, first of all, my feelings are normal. I will recognize moments to lean in with honor and gratitude and moments for self-care. So sometimes you really need to find that balance or you're going to end up where you are right now, which is what led you to write in. So

when you feel the guilt of getting some help, outside help, remember how you're feeling right now. And that's not really how you want to show up for him. Great. Thank you for writing in. Let's do some triggers. All right. Let's do it. All right.

You want to read our first one? Yes. Hi, Jordana and Naomi. Love the podcast and the wonderful advice you've given. I have a triggered situation for you. In my late 30s, I dated a man for about five and a half years. He was very adamant from the beginning that he would never get married. He'd been divorced and was very vocal about not believing in marriage.

This was fine to me as marriage has never been a goal of mine. I'm looking for a long-term, committed relationship, but a legal marriage isn't necessary to me, though I fully support anyone who does get married. We broke up about three years ago. He was quickly in a new relationship, and I recently found out that he's engaged to be married to his new partner in a few months. I'm having a hard time dealing with this. Part of me is rational and knows that people can change,

that maybe they're a great match, and also there's zero part of me that would ever want to still be with him. But the other part of me can't help feeling, why her and not me? I recognize I have some jealousy that he seemingly found someone so quickly, and while I've dated during that time,

I'm currently single. How trigger can I be that my ex-long-term partner who claimed to never want to be married is now engaged to someone else. Thanks so much for your feedback and helping me work through this. This is very triggering. This is triggering.

It's a very high number, for sure. I can see how you would immediately feel like gut punched upon hearing that. I will say that doesn't mean that they're in a better relationship or that someone has necessarily done, you know, like he's picked, thinks she's better than you. It could be that he is dating her. And unlike you, who didn't,

who said that she didn't really seem to mind not getting married, maybe this person, it was like a non-negotiable for them. Right. It's entirely possible that her, and she said she didn't mind she could kind of take it or leave it when it came to marriage. Yes. That is a soothing way to look at it, and quite possible. I think this is triggering like the ego. on so many levels. One is like, again, was it something about me that was like unmariable

versus this person? And also I think there's a part that makes this triggering that's like, was that just an excuse the whole time? And he was lying about it. And it really was, I think a lot of people have that fear

when it comes to marriage or like dating someone that isn't interested in, marriage or says marriage isn't important or doesn't want to get married, there's that fear of like, maybe you're just saying this when you don't want to marry me. Yes. And people say that with kids too, like someone who's like, and I don't want kids is like, do you not want kids or do you not want kids with me? With me. Yeah. So I think there is, I totally get this fear. And I talk to patients all the time, even if it's not a marriage situation where they're like dating someone that doesn't want to

commit and they've like conceptualized in their mind like this person is just incapable of committing like that's their conceptualization like I'm going to give up on trying to get this person to commit because they have their own issues that prevent them from committing and sometimes this happens where you break up and then they immediately go and commit to someone else And then it feels like that whole story that you wrote in your head to make yourself feel better about like, oh, they just didn't want to commit. Right. It really is. They just didn't want to commit to me.

It becomes much more personal for sure. And you see this even like in a situation ship thing where it's like the person, you know, you put in your head, they don't, they just don't want a girlfriend. And then they find a girlfriend. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And I think people do do this thing. And I get it like an.

I probably do it too, where you want to protect your ego. So you write this narrative. Like, you'll analyze this partner. His childhood and his parents and his parents were divorced. And that's why he doesn't want to commit and, you know, all the things and look at his relationship history and, like, be an amateur psychologist to determine why this person. And then you've diagnosed them as noncommittal to make, to soothe your own ego and also maybe make you stay in it because it doesn't hurt as much.

Doesn't feel as personal. Right. Doesn't feel as personal. Okay, he's just not looking for this. I'm going to convince myself, maybe I can handle that. I'm not looking for this either. All the things that we do to kind of like dilute ourselves that the connection between me and this person maybe wasn't as intense as we wanted it to be or wasn't as strong on both ends.

and then, you know, they go on to meet someone else and you're like, oh, all that mental gymnastics that I did, like analyzing this guy with all of my friends, you know, for months or years, was like kind of wasted when maybe I could have just tolerated, which is so hard. I get it. Like, tolerated. This person just doesn't feel as connected to me as I do to them. And I'm not saying this is this listener because I do agree that what you said is quite possible. that he met someone who, you know, was not willing to accept not getting married.

That's very possible. But it is also possible that he just didn't have the same connection with you that he had with her. And that's really, that's why this gets such a high trigger score. Right. Yeah. No, it's true. And then I think there's also the under, like that's like multiple triggers within this. It's like, it's triggering enough to be single and have the person that, and have an X move on before you.

That is in its own way, I think, still triggering. It can make you very fearful that you will be alone forever. Right. It can make you feel like, again, like they're doing better than you, which is also, you know, I think that alone is tough, but the marriage thing, I think, adds an extra layer on to us. So I'll give it an eight, maybe eight and a half. Any advice for the listener,

on this one? I don't. Yeah, I mean, what I think here, and this is hard, is like a lot of people think, okay, I broke up with this person, maybe I grieve the relationship and like, I'm over it. Like she writes, I would never want to be with him. I'm over it. So what I would say is if you're having a moment where there's like this new wave of whatever it is, I don't even think it's grief of loss of the relationship because I believe her that she doesn't want to be with him. but I think if there is this wave of insecurity that's coming up, maybe she needs to lean into that and feel that a little bit and allow that to come up in like an emotional way

versus doing the thing that you're, you know, like where you're just like, well, it's his issue and maybe, and I agree with you that maybe it is like she gave him an ultimatum or whatever the, you know. But I would recognize that these types, of feelings, especially if she's not in a new relationship, may just pop up and it's okay. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with her. She's still in love with him or like they should have been together. It doesn't mean you need to do anything differently if you're having a

wave of sadness about the loss of this relationship or even some insecurity that you're having. Like, I wouldn't stuff that down. I would kind of let that breathe in a reality-based way. not like racking your brain for like what did I do wrong because I don't think that's helpful but just like the emotion of like the rejection feeling I think there's probably a little bit of that like he chose her over me and so therefore I feel rejected which is a very real visceral emotion probably comes up very physically that's one of those ones that's really wired into us evolutionarily rejection is like a big, you know, physical emotion.

So, but when we feel rejection, we tend to go into our heads to like explain it away. And sometimes it's okay to just be like, I feel rejected. I don't need to like totally understand all the nuances. Right. Or do anything about it. Right. Or pretend that I don't feel rejected. Yes.

Yeah. Okay. Well, validated. We should have a, I wish we had a validated stamp. Oh, yeah. Validated. come up with a sound that means validated, but totally validated. I think this is like 10 out of 10 people in your situation would feel really triggered by this.

Agreed. And like the other part of it that's annoying is like, you know that other people who find out about this are also going to feel like, know that you are triggered. Yeah. Like that's, I think, another layer of it that people don't really talk about is this feeling of like other people now know that like it wasn't just. me or whatever. Right. Yes. Or even I'm sure you told people like, oh, he doesn't, he just doesn't want to get married. He doesn't believe in marriage. And now he's getting married. It's not a good look. And that happens with, like you said, the situation thing where you tell all your friends, like, oh, he's just noncommittal. Like he'll never, you know, he just doesn't want to commit to anybody.

And then you break up and he's with someone else. And you're like, oh, that's not a good look. Well, if it makes you feel any better, this happened to Carrie and big on sex in the city where he said he didn't want to get married again and then he married the next woman he was with. Yes. And it didn't work out. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. But anyway, validated.

All right. Let's do one more. We have a voicemail. Again, if you want to leave us a voicemail, we love getting your voicemails. You can call 646363-6294. Let's play our final triggered. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I was just listening to the December 10th and wrote in about her airport line drama. And it reminded me of a scenario that was super, super triggering to my sister and I. We were on our way to Hawaii, and we were at the airport in San Diego in line for TSA.

and it was living like relatively quickly and until we like got to the front of the line and there was maybe one person in front of us and the TSA line we were in they ran out of bins for you know putting your stop in that goes through the machine and it probably took like five minutes for the TSA agent to realize that we were out of bins and go get more and restock them and whatever. So in that time, a woman comes up behind my sister and I and says, you know, my flight is about to leave. I'm running super late.

Would you mind if I cut in front of you? And we kind of like, you know, look at each other and run. like, that's a little silly considering we're at the front of the line, basically. I don't think you're going to save that much time. But we said, you know, whatever, sure, go for it. Mind you, she did have to wait, like, a few more minutes like the rest of us, because there were still no bins. So in all, she probably saved, like, 20 seconds, which, okay, whatever.

So we get through TSA, we go walk down the terminal. and it probably took us like five minutes to walk down and back, like looking at restaurants and whatever. And as we are walking back towards the TFA area, we see the same woman who cut in front of us in line strolling out of the coffee shop, coffee in hand, just like no care in the world, we were too stunned to speak.

We were like, you're kidding. You are kidding me. We were so triggered by this. We probably talked about it the entire six-hour flight to Hawaii, and we laughed about it for the rest of our trip. So I hope you guys like the story. And let me know what you think of this super triggering. We were very triggered. Thank you. This is very funny. It's like something from curb. Yes. Totally. Sounds like that. This reminds me of like when I, and I've done this, I've like showed up to a meeting late with like an outside coffee. And it's like, well, you had time to get your outside, you know, your Starbucks coffee. So you probably could have gotten here on time.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, but this is like, it's like, it would be like if you called and were like, can you delay the meeting 15 minutes so that I can. Yeah. I'd be really, I'd be irked by this. I don't get it. Some people just, I mean... To play the devil's advocate, and again, she was probably just being an asshole. But it is possible. The flight got delayed.

Yes. Maybe. That's possible. You get to the gate, it says delayed. Right. That's very positive. Okay, fine. I always love a good benefit of the doubt, because why not?

Then you feel better. You feel like they're a better person. You're less angry. The other thing I did think about is that sometimes when you're late, you're just like in rush mode and you're just like trying to eliminate any obstacle along the way and maybe hadn't even looked at her watch to see how much time she actually had or whatever and thought she was like later than when she finally got through. It wasn't that bad. So I think some people get very anxious when they're late. A lot of people get anxious when they're late. so she might have just been like in mode

trying to get through as fast as she could. Then when she got out, she was like, oh, okay, I'm good. Right. I even have time to get a coffee. Yeah. I think it's, I agree with that. I think it's triggering, but it wouldn't be, it's almost less triggering because they were like next.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Like if it was, if she was like right behind them, like if she, if they like walked her up in security from like the back of the line and, you know, they were escorting her through.

Yeah. because, and they were like, sorry, this woman has her flight to catch. And she cut the entire, however long, 45-minute line. And then you saw her strolling out with the coffee, I would be like, enraged. I could totally see that. Because she was, like, right behind you and she only saved 20 seconds, it's almost like, you know when someone passes you when you're driving? And then you both wind up with the same red light.

Oh, best. Love it. And you're like, loser. So glad you almost gave yourself a heart attack and had an, accident. Now we're sitting here. Right. We're both at the same place. Like, I caught up to you or whatever. Totally. So I think that it's almost, to me, it's more like funny

story. I think you actually got your wait times worth because to me, anyone who does something that's annoying that is like funny enough to be like your inside joke for the rest of the trip, like earned. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Yeah. This would, this would bother me too if I saw her like leisurely strolling around. But yeah, you're right. If she, like, skipped the entire line and really got away with something, I'd feel worse about it. She got away with, like, not being behind you and your sister who probably went through the security in, like, 45 seconds.

So. Yeah. My, I would wonder if me and my sister were, like, moving really slow and we didn't even, you know, that would be my fear. Right. Yeah. Because that's why I would, if I was behind, have you ever been behind, like, a whole family? I mean, you've probably been this family. the family with like the kid in the stroller.

Oh, yes. The kids that they're like wrangling and they, and I like, I don't go in front of them, but I would sometimes. Sometimes I like switch lines because I'm like, this is going to be not like the same as three people if it's. Who know what they're doing. Yes. You're like efficiently putting their things in the bin.

Right. And I understand and I like sympathize with that. But I'm also like if I'm in any sort of rush, I'm like switching. Yeah. But I mean, again, two adult women like traveling together. I think there's probably nothing. No better person, no better crew that you would, you know, want to be behind than that. This is triggering. Feels like she tried to get away with something. I'll give it like a, I'll give it a five and a half. I would give it a like a four and a

half only because you're like, again, it reminds me of like the red light thing. Like, what like, it was no skin off your back really. Yeah. Like you're the one who had to like actually. like a lunatic and you didn't even need to do that. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Airport, I do think airports just make people crazy. Worst versions of themselves.

Yeah. Because you're so scared of this like definitive thing that's going to, you know. But yeah, I validated. I would be really irked by this too. But no real harm on your end. You didn't miss your fly. You guys got there. You had a funny laugh about it.

And we do too. We enjoyed the story. So thanks for sharing it. But yeah, I'd say moderately triggering. If you're going to do that, you got to put on like hot and sunglasses when you come out with the coffee. Yeah. Oh, gosh. Yeah, that's the other thing is that she kind of felt like because she was in the airport,

she had this like anonymity around it. Like, oh, like it's not like she was surrounded by a bunch of people who did that. she did not think she was going to get like seen in that moment. Yeah. All right. We did it. We did it again. That's our time.

Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Rebecca Steinberg. Editing by Will Maxwell. Guest booking by Allie Friedlander. Be sure to follow us on Instagram and everything's fine. And send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.