Oversharing - Can I Say "No" To My BFF’s Bachelorette Party?

Episode Date: March 10, 2026

Jordana shares how being pregnant made her respect her body more and she and Dr. Naomi chat about how their mindset around exercise has shifted to health over vanity. With a friend’s wedding turning into a week-long Olympic event of mandatory joy, one Betch wonders if skipping a few side quests officially earns her the title of Worst Friend Alive. Now that baby number two is on the way, a listener’s guest room turned bedroom has her wondering how to tell her in-laws and parents to find a hotel next time they’re in town. Dr. Naomi shares wisdom straight from group therapy after a woman who’s in a committed relationship with her phone asks for an intention to stop doom-scrolling herself into oblivion. One Betch is rattled when her ex slides into her texts with a romantic nostalgia bomb… while he’s literally waiting for the birth of his allegedly “unwanted” child. Even though a mom-to-be explicitly told her parents to go enjoy their cruise, she’s suddenly spiraling now that they actually… listened. Is it abandonment, or just the consequences of her own chill-girl energy? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How's it going?

How are you? This air is in March. Yes. So when this comes out, I will be back from we, I've talked about on here, we do a once a year couples trip, just Jeff and I alone, which is like sometimes feels like the heartbeat of our relationship when we can be alone together for a few days. So how many, uh, always, how many years have you been doing this? Not as many as we should. I think we waited until the kids were a little bit older because they would, you know, we're like, oh, we don't want to upset them by leaving for too long. Um, and now we're like, whatever, we're going.

it. And they're old enough and they have lots of friends that they hang out with. And so it's easier to leave now. For all of you parents out there with young kids, it does get easier. How long do you go for? So we're going for, I think, four nights. It's a good amount. Yeah, which is nice. It was like a three, four debate. We're like, if we're going to do it, let's do it. Yeah. So it's going to feel like we'll have time to get there, settle in, have a day, settled and then, you know, leave. But it's just, I don't know, it's really hard, I think, to wear all the hats. And I just think it's hard to be taking care of other people and then also taking care of each other. So this is a really nice time where we can focus on each other where we just,

it just is the only time where you don't have to take care of anyone for four days. I'm looking forward to it. And I've been trying to. Who watches your kids? My dad and my stepmom are coming in from New York just to watch them, which is really nice. Great. Quality time. Because they are really, I think a lot of grandparents like being alone with the grandchildren. I've heard this before where it's like they, especially when they live out of state, like they come in and then the parents leave, which sounds like kind of weird because you're like, oh, we don't see you either. Right. But I think most people probably prefer to watch other people's kids like without them.

Right. Because you don't have to be like, you don't feel like you're being watched. You can kind of reenact your own. parenting style that you had when you were the parent a little bit instead of having to try to mold to your child's parenting style. And I just think it's like a little more fun. Like even when we were in town for Lila's bat mitzvone, we did six flags. And Mike and I somehow wound up in the car with like all the kids. All the kids. But it was like a little more fun. You're like in charge. It's like a little like you're kind of creating whatever the dynamic is. Yeah. I could see that. So I think they like it and it gives us the freedom and the kids it's really a win win for everybody so it's awesome it's a good time we just end up feeling so much more connected because you just have

that brain space free to really one for yourself it's like the double whammy of i get to do whatever i want i don't have to worry about who's happy with what and whose meal isn't right and who packing up bags and who needs to have sunscreen a like a vacation with kids. is not like a relaxing vacation. It's a vacation, but you're just like parenting in a different place. But this really feels like vacation. So it's, it's really lovely. And I had, I've been trying to, it's given me motivation to start like a new workout routine.

Because you have like, I have like a goal of a time where I want to be fit and, you know, look my best. It's like our romantic time. And so one recommendation that I have for anyone who's feeling stuck, funny, I was going to say I'm not a personal trainer. I technically am a personal trainer. You are, right? We're a personal trainer. I feel like I remember you talking about, you did a lot of like older people. Like you were like personal trainer for like senior citizens. Maybe that was just on an occasional page. No, I actually like did very little actual personal training, but I do have a personal training certification that I ended up not using. Do you have to renew that?

Probably. I'm sure it's completely expired, but it exists. And I probably do have to renew it. But this is just more personal, like in terms of what I like and as a psychologist, what I think would motivate some people is strength training. And I think I've talked about this on here before because I think a lot of what we do, when we're trying to work out is like to become thinner, which we've talked about and why that's like kind of dangerous to have that as your goal. And because it implies maybe like eating less or all these things that can get really toxic if left unchecked. But I really like the idea of strength training for a few reasons. One, and I never really did this in my home. I always just like

went to the gym and used some machines, but I literally got like two dumbbells. Personally, I got like a seven and a half pound dumbbell at a 15 pound dumbbell. Okay. For some people, you might want a little bit heavier, a little bit lighter, depending on your, but if you strength train for like three sessions of strength training where you're pushing weight when you're not used to pushing weight, you will immediately see and feel a difference in your body. Immediately.

I think versus cardio, or if you're, goal is to lose weight. I think it takes longer to see the change. So it's a little bit less motivating. And you're also kind of shrinking yourself, which I don't think is great for feelings of being empowered. So I think if you don't usually do any ways, if you just do what, it doesn't even matter. Whatever, I watch a video and I follow along on a strength training video and I do these exercises. And literally that same day, or let's even call it after are two to three strength training workouts. If your body's not used to it and you're doing more than you've done before,

you will see and feel a difference in your body, which is really motivating. What do you see muscles? Yeah, you see like, you know, like rounder muscles. You'll feel like even kind of like when I'm washing myself in the shower, I just feel like a little bit more firmness in my body or like you'll see it gets a little bit easier pretty quickly versus I think when you're doing more of these like cardio, I want to lose weight type activities. I think it takes longer to kind of feel and see the change.

This is my personal experience, but I do think even if those of you that are nervous about lifting heavier, if you can lift a little bit heavier, I think some people are concerned with getting bulky or looking too muscular, but it's a great motivator because if you lift a little bit heavier, you will see it, you will feel it, you will feel stronger, you will feel like a change in the tone of your muscle, which is kind of like, whoa, cool, something's happening here. And it's also just functional. You can like feel a little bit stronger when you're taking out the trash or you're bringing that package in from outside or. No, it's true. And I mean, it's interesting, I think, because as I've gotten, you know, I've been married not as long as you,

but for a bit now, I think a lot of the workout, you know, all the fitness stuff, I think, for me, at least, I'll speak personally, used to be about, like, being attractive to the opposite sex and, like, looking your best and feeling and being, like, the fittest and fitting into, like, the clothes and stuff. But I do find that now that I'm, now that I'm in my geriatric pregnancy, crazy, okay. I'm 36 years old. And even dealing with, like, So we're seeing my dad this past year. There is like a new motivation or even from like, you know, I'm recording this from this is our last episode before I'm taking a break for maternity leave.

So I don't have any kids yet. But like just the, there is this kind of new goal, which is like longevity. Yeah. Which is like, because even like in this pregnancy, like I've just suddenly started to get like back issues. Like where like my back really hurts if I'm walking too long. I kind of like, and I think I love, I've always loved walking places, mostly because I feel like I'm getting the exercise and I'm burning the calories. But like also it's nice to feel like on the go and moving your body. Right.

But now I do think there's like a new, maybe healthier goal to decrease pain later in life to be fit because like, you know, again, I look at like my dad in his final years and he was just like not very mobile, not very like, you know, needing to sit a lot. And I do think the only silver lining for that is just like the. there is this motivation of like being strong or being fit. Because like in terms of getting smaller, like eating less is 80% of that, I think they say. Right. So like the fitness is like nice, but it's not really going to move the needle as much as anything there. But the fitness stuff, I think the most the real motivation for fitness, at least for me now at this age, is like be a healthy older person with less chronic pain, chronic illness. Like my, again, just even this bit when I think about.

the back thing. I'm like, why didn't I just appreciate when my back didn't hurt all the time? And like there is probably an age where you have things that hurt that just don't ever go back to not hurting. Totally. You're 100% right. And myself being 10 years older than you, I do think there is this like, I'm going to be 50 like and not that long, which is crazy. I feel like I'm 24. Like it's just so. You look like you're 24. Thanks. Feels really weird. This is like. like an older age. And I do think there is more of this motivation, like you said, of just like health and your body does change. Like I am kind of experiencing that point where like the same amount of effort doesn't yield the same results. But that's why I think the strength training

is really nice because you get to see like you get to see the results and you get to change your body in a shorter period of time and, like you said, functional. Like, I remember maybe two years ago, I was switching laundry from the washer to the dryer. So it was like this twisting upward to lower twisting movement. And I completely threw my back out. Like, I was stuck. I couldn't move. And Jeff wasn't home.

And the kids were here. And I was like screaming for the kids. Like, I don't know what they were going to do. to help me. Three of them lift you up together. But it was because my core was weak. I wasn't exercising at the time. My core was weak and this twisting motion just like completely tweaked my back.

And I was like, wow, okay, I'm getting to that age where I can't do a normal motion, like taking stuff out of switching it to the dryer without being like stuck frozen with like intense back pain. And then I realized, yeah, I'm going to do crunches now, not because I want my six-pack abs, but because I want that to never happen again. I want to be able to do the laundry. Yes, exactly. It's about being fit, being strong, being empowered in your body. Making sure that, you know, again, I don't think it's about like living forever, but however

long you do live, having a really good quality of life, which I do think fitness is much more helpful for that than totally. Endless loads. of laundry. Yes. For just being able to like, you know, chase your kids around. Like, I think about, you know, totally. You know, it's great.

I just think, as someone who probably did spend a long time just trying to be like lean, this is a great way to feel like you're being fit, you're taking care of your body, and you're seeing changes quickly without the goal being, getting smaller. Right. And I know there's some, you know, people are. afraid of like getting bulky. I think you've got to do like pretty intense. I think that's like one myth, right? Like you have to do like be a real bodybuilder to be. Yes. Yes. And if you go a little heavier like you're saying within reason, you will see these changes that are really fun to see.

And it just keeps you motivated. Like I feel like it's a little addictive now. I'm kind of like how much can I push today? You know, like is am I stronger than yesterday? And wow, I like feel. this, you know, kind of tightness and I see this roundness in my muscles, that's really just feels good. Well, that's when it changes, I think, when you do something enough, then it changes from like a diet to a lifestyle, as they say, or I don't know, but like an exercise versus a lifestyle. It's like just part of what you do and then it just becomes sort of eat. There's like a certain point, I think, past which it just becomes easier to do because

you, it's just what you do. It's you brush your, every day you brush your teeth. don't have to like, think about, talk yourself into it. Do I have to brush my teeth? It's just like you've been doing it every day. It's just part of what, hopefully,

it's just part of what you do. And then it's not, you know, it's not as big of a thing because it doesn't even have that much thought put into it. And I feel like with working out, I've found at least like there becomes a critical amount where you're like, this is just what I do. The other part that I think is helpful personally is to have it like

accessible anywhere in your home. Like it's too. like what I've been doing is two dumbbells. That's it. And I love Pilates and I love yoga and I love getting in the car and going to a class. But then there's like so many points there that can become a problem versus like after we're done with this recording, I'm just going to go upstairs and do like three way training exercises, whatever it is. COVID helped me get to that place.

I used to go into a fitness studio like so often. And now I just do it. I've been, then I started doing it in my apartment, my one bedroom apartment. And now it's just, again, it's part of what I do. It makes it so much easier when you don't have to leave and come back. You can like squeeze it between a meeting or something like that. Yeah, I've always been some people are, I've personally always been like one of those people that like I don't feel well if I don't exercise. Like it's very connected to my mental health.

So it comes more naturally. But even if that's not you and you feel fine when you don't exercise and you don't feel like it's connected to your mental health. It can feel just empowering. Give it a go. Let us know if you take the sun. Spring is coming. Yeah, it's coming. All right. And I want to hear about your trip.

Where are you going? We're going to Mexico. It's great from Texas. It's like short flight. It's always warm, pretty inexpensive to travel. And yeah. All right. Well, guys, if you want, we're going to get into your questions.

If you want to write into the show oversharing at Betches.com or you can leave us a voicemail. at 646, 363, 66236294. If you want to subscribe, you get two bonus episodes a month. You get all the episodes ad-free and a day early. So check out our subscription episodes. Or you can get more involved and join one of Dr. Naomi's therapy groups. It's a great way to get direct access to Dr. Naomi and her wisdom without being a full one-on-one patient, which I'm sure is a little more expensive.

Yes. Yeah. So this is great. And I really, I like to know what's going on in the lives of all my patients. So that includes all the group members. Like I'm at the end of every session. I'm always calling people to reach out to me, email me. I like to, you know, I feel very connected to my patients.

I want to know what's going on in their lives. So part of joining the group is that we do get to establish a relationship, which is really nice. And I try to as much as possible be accessible and supportive. inside and outside of group time. So that is true that you do get access to that as well. But the community, the group, come join us, Naomi Bernstein.com. All right. Well, let's get into it. I'll read our first email. Hi, Dr. Naomi, love the pod and the insight you provide. You guys really give great advice, which I'm in desperate need of right now. I'm writing to get some advice about a wedding I'm involved in later this year. My childhood best friend is getting married and I'm truly happy for her and her

partner. That said, her wedding plans are starting to really stress me out. She's having a destination wedding in Savannah, Georgia. The wedding is on a Sunday with events starting Friday, so it's already a long weekend commitment. On top of that, there's also a joint bachelorette planned for the spring. It's scheduled to be five days long over 4th of July weekend. The expectation is that everyone shares rooms and potentially beds, while I know her friends and I'm friendly with a few of them. I'm not comfortable sharing a room or a bed with someone I don't know well for that long. It's one thing to go away with a group of my friends, but entirely different to be trapped in a house of girls. I only know surface level. I feel that. Between the destination

wedding and the bachelorette, I'll be spending thousands of dollars. I love my friend, but it's starting to feel like I'm sacrificing a huge amount of time, money, and emotional energy for one person's wedding. I'm also stressed about the logistics, fronting money for over 20 people for reservations, figuring out how much food to order without over or underbuying and constantly being asked by other bridesmaids to chip in for decorations and party supplies. I get weekly texts about spending more money. I feel checked out, which makes me feel guilty. But when I think about how much of my year and my finances are being consumed by this wedding,

I shut down. I should also mention that the wedding and bachelorette are in areas known for nightlife and clubbing, which isn't really my vibe at all. I guess my main question is, how do you set boundaries around finances and time in situations like this without sounding like a jerk or an unsupported friend? At one point is it okay to say, this is too much for me, even when you love the person getting married? Or is it me? Should I just suck it up and follow the crowd? I don't want to ruin her wedding or our friendship, but I feel like brides have gone off the rails with how much they're asking their friends to commit to.

Thanks so much. I'd really appreciate your perspective or any advice you can give, sincerely, something borrowed, not broke. I know we get like iterations of this probably about like specific wedding things, but I think this email speaks to sort of like a feeling or a sentiment that a lot of people get as a whole for like how to approach the whole thing when it feels like. And I can understand the dilemma of being like, I'm happy for my friend. I want to be there for all her milestones. But I also don't want this to be my whole year. And I think the point that she's touching on, which is a good point. is like it starts to now feel like I'm checking out of this whole thing because it's too much. Whereas like in the beginning, if it's like a couple of things or God forbid if it was like just the wedding,

everyone would show up like so excited because it's your one big day. But if you have like, you know, in this case they have a whole five day bachelorette, which sounds excessive. Yeah. And then a three day wedding, which I guess is normal. Sure, there's a shower. Right. Then there's a, it's like after a while, I think what she's touching on is like, I am,

this is making me feel disconnected about this whole process when I want to be excited for this person. And I think the other thing that happens here more globally than this particular email is this creates kind of like, if I'm taking four days off of work, three days off of work, I'm spending thousands of dollars. now it becomes like a contagious thing because now I got to get mine back. Yeah, now I have expectations for what I need from you when I'm getting married. And a lot of the times, I think another layer of this is sometimes by the time this person maybe gets married. The other person has a couple of kids and they're like, well, I don't want to do all that and I've got other responsibilities.

Yes. So then the other person finds up feeling like jipped of their getting their reciprocity. prosody, which again, shouldn't be what it's all about, but I think that, like, it can feel that way when you're doing a lot of stuff that you don't really want to do for this other person. Totally. And it just enhances this culture of, like, your wedding is like the pinnacle of your life, which I just think is kind of, you know. Which it used to be. It's like sort of one of those traditions that haven't, hasn't been, it's almost gotten more intense. I feel like there didn't you, bacheloretts are like a relatively new thing. It used to just be bachelor parties.

Right. I think, I don't think the bachelor. are like a modern or an older thing. And even with The Bachelor parties, it used to be like, everyone goes one night out in the city that you live in and you have a night out. And now it's like a whole trip. I mean, I shouldn't talk. I did, I did all of the stuff. You were like in it, you know, and you're wrapped up in the whole world of like, this is my big moment and you get in the bubble. And, you know, I think people are excited. Your friends are excited to do things. And they're, Like you said, there's a dynamic where if it's at the beginning, if you're in the beginning wave of this, everyone's like, oh my gosh, it's a girl's weekend. Like, yay. And then towards the end.

Right. People are kind of tired of spending the money and all of it. So I think there's places where she can definitely set boundaries here. I think with The Bachelorette weekend, that's a great place to really make yourself be a little bit more selfish there because it's not the wedding, which is the big thing. And I think if you say, hey, I can't come the whole time, but I'll be there for the beginning or I'll be there for the end. And even if it was like, you know, if you can't, we had this question a few weeks ago about like having your own room, who gets their own room. If that's something that's important to you, and I get that. If you're spending, you know, a thousand dollars on a weekend, you want, you're entitled, I think, to be comfortable on that weekend. And if you getting your own hotel room at a nearby place, if you're a little bit more of an introvert or you're not super into the whole everyone hangout vibe. I don't think as adults, you can control where somebody like falls asleep.

Like if you want to hang out until, you know, 1 o'clock in the morning with everybody and then take an Uber back and fall asleep in your own comfortable space, I think that's very reasonable if that's what's going to make you feel better about this weekend. I totally agree with that. I could see why I would feel weird. It sounds like she's planning a lot of this because she's like, said she's making reservations for 20 people, right? For 20 people, which is like another part of it where it's like, I don't even know these people, I'm doing all this work for these people, which is kind of a tough situation. I assume she's a bridesmaid or something where I can see where now she's like in this

whole where it's like, what is she going to drop out of planning? It's kind of tough. And that's why I would suggest almost, I think, for. anyone listening and maybe not for this might be too late for the listener. But when you have someone else's wedding, I would think about two things. How much time do I have, have and want to spend on this thing? How much money do I want to spend on this thing? And I think a budget, it's tough because like sometimes you can afford something. You just don't really want to pay for it. That almost becomes harder where it's like, yeah, I like, it's not that I can't afford to go

to the wedding for the bachelor for five days or it's not that I get, but a budget can just be how much you want to spend. It doesn't have to be how much is completely actually limiting to you. So if you can go into these things, I think, with like that in mind, then that helps with you kind of boundarying what your commitments are. Even like I'm going into this thing, I can't, I'm not sharing a room. That's not something with someone I don't know. So like that's a boundary that I'm setting like kind of like right off the bat. But I'm happy to do. And also like what you are willing to do. I'm happy to do X, Y, and Z.

Like I will make the hotel reservations. I will make, let's say, and then she can control the rooming maybe. Like, I'll make the hotel reservations. I'll make one dinner reservation. And then like the rest of it is on whatever other person. That's how much time I have this year. And again, how much time?

Even with time, it's like not even how much time do I physically have. How much time do I want to budget towards. this without feeling like resentful or overwhelmed with it. No, I totally agree. I think the fear is that it's going to affect a relationship. It's going to affect a friendship or somehow her friend is going to be offended. And that might happen. And I think it's also one of the hardest parts about being in relationship is tolerating

other people's displeasure with your boundaries or with, you know, your decisions. So I do think that another piece of this can be talking to the bride about whatever your boundaries are. Like, hey, I'm only going to stay at the, I can only commit to going to the Bachelorette for a few days. I can help plan those days when I'm there. But I'm probably going to leave on whatever it is, you know, Sunday morning. And just like I, having that genuine conversation where it's like, I hope you know, like I still love you so much. nothing, it's no indication of how excited I am for you or my feelings. Like, I want to be there

for you in this other way, which is not like hanging out with you and your friends that I don't really know. That's not the way that I really want to, you just have to say this part, but that's not the way I want to connect with you. I'm going to leave on Sunday morning, but I would, if they're, you know, I would love to come over while you're figuring out this or help you do the table settings, you know, come over to help you do the seating chart if that's something you want help with. Yeah, I'd love to take you out. Maybe I don't want to go to The Bachelorette at all. And I'm instead, again, maybe late if she's, she's the one planning the reservations, but let's say she weren't. I would love to take you out for a really fun night on the town, whatever night. I think,

like, I can't make it to The Bachelorette. I mean, to me, like, that's almost sometimes, like, so many times this kind of thing happened. where I feel like it's like the Bachelorette, you kind of feel like you need to invite everyone, even if they have multiple groups that wouldn't mesh or you have a one friend. Let's say you're like in looking for the Vegas vibe and you have friends that don't,

but you're not going to not invite them because it's not their vibe. But like you don't really mind if they don't go. Yeah. So that's why so much of this stuff is tough. Whereas like, if I had a friend like that and she was like, I'm not going to make it. Let's go out to like do the intimate spa day

that we like really enjoy as friends. I would be like, great. Relieved. Yes. Like I don't have to make sure this person is having a good time on something that's really more my vibe than hers. I know that she's, that's not how we enjoy our friendship in this way. That's the annoying thing about having these huge bachelor at parties where people don't know each other or aren't all have to align and wanting to do the same things, which you wouldn't take a 20 person group trip. Right. I wonder if we could try to change the culture around this. You know, I always talk about how weddings kind of like, bring the underlying stuff to the surface for couples of like, oh, we're going to deal with your parents and now we're going to talk about finances and, you know, all this, you know, family stuff or whatever. And it's a good, it serves its purpose and like forcing us to talk about these things. I wonder if it could be the same in friendships where you're like, hey, and I had a friend do this once too where they were like, I was inviting them as like part of another group and they just kind of kept saying, though. And then eventually we had this really

honest conversation where they were like, I just don't really like mesh with that group. And this was, I mean, now this conversation was probably 10 years ago. But I've saved myself 10 years of like this awkward, I'm still inviting you to do these things that I know that you don't really want to do. And so now I don't feel like bad about excluding her. I know she doesn't really want to do it. and we do our own separate thing. So I think friendships maybe could use the problem is everyone's so afraid of upsetting the bride that we can't have these honest conversations. This might be a good time to reevaluate friendships, work on communication, find out a little bit

more about each other's finances and budgets and like grow the friendship a little deeper by talking about how all this wedding planning stuff is affecting our relationship. Little friendship couples therapy. Yes. You should do a weddings group. Yeah. Totally. And I think a lot comes up around this with like, you know, you choosing me over someone

else and are you there for my dress fitting and you were there for someone else's dress fitting. And if we could just use, see these instead of opportunities for disconnection as opportunities for like real conversation and connection, it might be a good growth point for friendships too, because the wedding is not just about the couple, clearly. Right. 20 other people with expectations.

Yeah. And I will say it sounds like the friends having a destination wedding and doing a bachelorette, which I did as well. But I did that fully with the, like when I sent out any of the emails or the dates, it was always like totally completely understand if you cannot do two trips this year. if you can do anything, I'd rather you go to the wedding.

Right. You can only do one. You wrote that on there. That's great. Yeah. If you can only do one, I'd rather go to the wedding. Big year, like absolutely no pressure to go to all of this stuff. And I think you have to, you have to mean it because it's like you can and you can do,

that's what I'm saying. Like, you can do whatever you want. Like I did all of that stuff. It's just like you can't expect everyone. Some people do want to go to everything and are like great. More trips the better. Like I'm looking to have. as much fun as possible and they're in. And those are the people you want there anyway.

So you just really need to get, I think if you give people an out, you can do whatever you want. It just always has to be prefaced with like, would love anyone who wants to go to both to do this. Totally understand if it's too much. If you're going to go to one thing, pick this thing. Maybe some people would pick the Bachelorette. Who knows. Yeah. Yeah. And I agree. That would be great if that came from the bride or the groom. But I think it is also possible if that doesn't happen for you to set that boundary on your own. And maybe you do upset someone a little bit. But I think it's okay. And I think if your friendship is meant to be, it'll be okay. Like, I have many friends that because I also had a destination wedding, didn't come to like my bridal shower or my

bachelor's party. And I was like, okay, I'm not going to get mad about this because I know, especially especially when it's someone who I know doesn't have like all the money in the world to be traveling all over the place. So your friendship can handle it if you communicate it well and I think offer another connection point of like it's not even going to be us connecting at this 20 person bachelorette. I'm just going to kind of be another body here. Let's do a spa day. Let me come over and help you with some other thing that we can just do together. That'll be more meaningful for both of us. And again, if it's a real friend, I think, and you, explain it in that way, I think it's going to go over well. And if it doesn't go over well,

you have other issues in your future. Yeah. Yep. Let's do a betchaicist. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I love listening to the pod and congrats Jordana on the baby girls. I felt like the two of you could give me a good perspective with my dilemma that's causing me a lot of anxiety. I'm currently pregnant with my second child who's due in April. My son will be 21 months when my daughter's born. Both sets of grandparents live out of state. When my son was born, they all came into town the day we got home from the hospital and stayed for a week for his bris, Jewish circumcision ceremony. My mother-in-law stayed an additional week, and my mom drove and lives in the next state over. Came back a few days after she left. My in-laws flew here, so we let them stay in our guest room,

and my mom had to stay in a hotel, then stayed with us when she came back. It was not good to have them here at the same time and my mom does not like my in-laws. She's also extremely neurotic and overbearing and causes me more stress when she's around. Both sides are not that helpful. The worst of all worlds. Yes, right? They want to be around and not do anything. My mom has physical limitations so she can't carry a baby or toddler on the stairs and can't get my son in and out of the car for daycare. My mother-in-law smoked cigarettes and while I dealt with it for my first, I have a lot of guilt that I allowed her to go outside to smoke, then come in and wash her hands and hold him. I can't even get into dynamics with my father-in-law here. He's not helpful with babies. The biggest thing we would need help

with at first is getting our son to daycare. Neither side is able to help with this. I feel this pressure that I have to let them come meet their granddaughter within the first few weeks that she's born, but bottom line is neither side was the most helpful last time and just added more stress. Also, we are moving our son to the current guest room and turning it into his room. So we won't have a room for them to stay with us anymore. How should I handle this? Thanks, a stressed out pregnant lady. You know, this reminds me of something we talk about on you up, which isn't this particular issue. But, you know, when someone sleeps with someone and then they regret it, but they want to keep seeing the person, but they felt like they went too fast, is like, just because you did doesn't mean

you have to going forward. Yeah. And I like the analogy. Yeah. That is something I think to keep in mind here. Just because you did this last time doesn't mean that has to be the way it is all the time. Totally. And you have the built-in excuse of like that's going to be your son's room now.

So you actually don't technically have the space even though I'm sure the baby is going to be in your room. And so the other room is still going to be open. But like, or whatever it is. I think you can say like whatever happened last time was just like a little bit. too chaotic for us. This time we're looking for, you know, we're looking for it to just be us for the first, however many weeks, we would love for you to come this day and this day. And you might get a, what do you mean? I was planning on staying with you or I can't believe that. Like, why not? Or what, you might get some of that. And that is not easy, right? If you get that type of pushback and you'll have

to say, I just think, you know, kind of reiterate, I just think this is what's best for us in the beginning here as we're adjusting to as a new family of four. But I would love to have you, what they want is to be involved with the baby. I'd love to have you come and help in this way. Or I'd love to have you interact with the baby in this way, which is you can come over, you know, in the morning at this time or after I drop the sun off at daycare, you know, you can come in, whatever whatever your setup is where you can let them know, hey, not this, but this. I think that's a great way to set a boundary is like, I'm rejecting your attempt to connect in this particular way, which is to stay at my house.

But I'm going to invite you to connect in this other way, which is the way that is going to work for me, especially when you're in a vulnerable state, like, I just had a baby. Yeah. And if they don't want to do that, then it's another one that's right. rejecting that other option. So now you're, you know, kind of putting them in a position to have to own the disconnect. I think what happens sometimes with parents and in-laws is like they ask for something. You have to reject it.

And then they're like to take this victim role of like, I'm being rejected versus if you offer an alternate solution and they say no, now they're the ones that are rejecting that. connection. So that might feel a little bit like they have to own it. I think it is hard in these scenarios. In the scenario she's describing where both, neither parent lives super close. So it's easier to have like a casual interaction when someone can kind of like come by and then leave. But she says her mom lives in the next state. Her in-laws flew here. So it's like, I'm sure she feels a guilt of like, I'm going to keep these kids from her from them or it feels like that like that or if they're flying all the way in or driving all the way in, they need to, it needs to be really intensive.

Right. Like sleepovers, which I think sounds like that's part of what she doesn't want. It's just people staying at her house. And I think that's very reasonable. And she can just say, you can come at 9 a.m. And, you know, you can stay the majority of the day or whatever she's comfortable with. Here's a list of hotels nearby. Yeah.

Are great. Yeah. Again, they might be like, I'm not coming in to stay at O'D, which is, again, that's okay. It's kind of like all you can do is say what you're able to commit to. Right. And I think the other piece that's helpful here when you're setting boundaries, which seems to be maybe the theme here of these emails here, but when you're setting boundaries, really the delivery and the tone and that longingness to. connect like when you said your new year's resolution is to like change your tone when setting boundaries.

I think there's that's a big piece of it. And then the offering of a the genuine offering of like, but I would love to connect with you in this way. A sleepover, you staying here is not going to be the way. But I would love to like I'm so excited for you to come and I can't wait. You know, I love this dish that you make. I would love for you to come for dinner. It would be so helpful if you could make this. Maybe they're not good at babysitting, but maybe they're good at cooking or whatever the thing is.

I would love for you to clean my bathroom. So much to me. Kind of true. But yeah, like something like that, like, oh, I can't wait for you to come over. Like at 9 a.m., the baby takes a nap or probably is going to, you know, if he's anything like his brother, he'll take a nap at this time or he'll want to sleep at this time. And like, I would, you know, love for you to hold him while he sleeps or whatever. the thing is that you envisioned that they could do, that they, I think they just want to feel involved and connected and helpful. And I think if it's like the rejection of the, that's going to be

hard to say, here's a list of hotels when they stayed the last time. Like that is probably going to be tough, but breathe. You can do it. You can deliver that message and then warm it up with, you know, and then in the mornings, like I would love, even if it's like, oh, my husband makes these delicious just waffles. Like, I'd love you to come over for waffles and you can hold the baby and he's going to make us, whatever it is. Yeah. Excited. We want you to. We're excited for you to do this, but not this. Yeah. And I think the earlier you can say that so that that's already in their mind. So it's not like the baby's born and now they're hearing. Like, the longer they have to sort of get

it, get used to this idea of this new way of doing things, I think is best. I just, I do want to push back a little bit on one piece that she writes about, like that she feels guilty that her mother-in-law smoked cigarettes and then washed her hands and then held the baby like, I think that's fine, right? Yeah. She's washing her hands. If she wasn't washing her hands, I would be like that that would be really annoying. Yeah, I mean, she's washing. I wouldn't, certainly wouldn't feel guilt about it. I don't think even if she didn't wash her hands, I don't think there's harm that's going to come to the baby unless she's like sticking her fingers in the mouth.

I could get you to want your baby smelling like a cigarette. Yes. Like I get the concept of that it's kind of gross. Where is their mother? Yeah. That's more or less. That's funny. I don't think it was a good look to have your baby smell like an ashtray.

Yeah. Totally get it. But if she's washing her hands and also it's not harming the baby, but yes, I wouldn't like it either. but I certainly wouldn't feel guilty about it. And like that is an option. Like I would just explore what you're full.

If that is an option for someone who can take him to daycare and do all the things that you need and you're just rejecting it because you feel guilty that she smoked cigarettes and then wash her hands, I would look at that as like, why are you really rejecting that help if that is actually someone who could. out of the four grandparents, if that is one who could be helpful and she is open to washing her hands after she smokes, maybe you want to consider taking that help. And if you're not, maybe there's some other reason why you're not open to taking that help. Good thing to consider. And also, you have your husband to rely your boundaries to his parents. Yes. Yeah. You only have to deal with your own mother. All right. Well, good luck. Keep us posted. Let's do some intentions. Okay. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm writing in with an intention request that I hope will be able to help me and many other listeners as well. I constantly find myself grabbing for my

cell phone in the idle moments of my life. Send an email, pick up cell phone. Get off a meeting, open up Instagram. This year, I really want to be more intentional in being in the moment and stopping the muscle memory that is constantly picking up my cell phone. I'm finding it becoming way too much of a habit and I find myself feeling overstimulated at the end of the day. Curious, hear your thoughts around this and hopefully an intention to help. Thank you for reading. Love this. We do this in groups. Like this was one of our challenges and it was very specifically like writing down. What are you looking, what are you looking to feel when you pick up yourself on? Like not only just pausing, but pausing and asking yourself that question.

What am I seeking right now? Safety. Is it excitement? Is it, um, information about myself, my worth. Is it checking something off a list? Maybe it's, I feel like for me a lot of the time, it's just like just not, I don't want to like just being distracted from your own thoughts or boredom or like. Boredom. I want, you know, something to entertain me. Yes. In this moment.

I agree. I mean, I'm, whenever we do the challenges in group, I do it. I do the challenge together with the group members. And I found that that you don't realize how often you're like, cannot. tolerate just sitting with a quiet mind. Like just that pull to keep feeding yourself more and more and more. And after you recognize that it's happening, like she says muscle memory, it really is just like this very automatic pickup.

It's like pickup for no reason because your mind has trouble being still and being quiet. I think it's only getting worse with this new generation that's coming up in this world of just being able to tolerate boredom. So I think that if for you it's boredom, I think once you notice that, just kind of being like, boredom is good for me. How? I need to sit in this. Yeah. I think maybe that's it. Like when you just said that and I immediately said how like I do think, you know, you talked about like what's motivating for you.

It's like a feeling that something will actually make a difference in some way. Maybe that's when I'm also obviously, I'm like probably 90% of the people listening also guilty of this. And I think that it's because sometimes I'll think about the fact that I'm constantly on my phone. But then I'm like, well, what am I going to get by not being on it? Yeah. And I don't think the motivation is that clear. Yeah. You know, or like it would take a really long time to like fully change your brain chemistry.

So it's not so obvious. like the reward is a little bit in like intangible and it is until you try it try it and it's almost like you need the lived experience of it to see what that feels like i mean we did in the group we did like 24 hours phone free but i think even just wreck and it comes back so quickly right that's the problem it's an addiction and the addiction isn't just to the phone the addiction is what you're describing is to the to the feeding your brain something. Like you're addicted to constantly feeding your senses and your mind with something to think about or worry about or fix or plan for. Right. But like what do you get if you do? I guess that's the. Okay. So I'll say you are anxious

about your pregnancy. You will see that get better because you're not feeding it. You're not, you're learning to just process the information that's already there instead of constantly feeding yourself new information that then your brain has to process and that does present itself as anxiety or rumination and you you get to almost learn it's like an addiction you know you think you know you need to drink alcohol every weekend because you'll kind of like look forward to it and it's something to do and it's like going to do and it's like going to change it up a little bit when I get drunk. It's going to be like my thing that I get to kind of do on the weekends or after work or whatever it is. And then after you don't give into it for a while,

you get to experience that like quiet mind or maybe some creativity comes because if you're constantly consuming, you're not creating. You're not giving yourself space to create because you're like consuming instead of creating. So one, I think you can be more creative. And two, I think you can just give yourself your brain, speaking of like insomnia and resting and all of this, you're like giving your brain more time spent in rest mode instead of processing mode, which I think with not even a lot of time.

Like a lot of people will notice just a calmness after 24 hours screen free. or you might notice, I don't know, like I'll, I do this too. And it might not be as much social media, but like my email. I will, I'm like more addicted to my email. Because I'm always kind of like, I'm going to make sure I close that tab. I want to make sure I finish that thing. I want to, you know, not leave anything because that's where my anxiety. Maybe I didn't answer somebody or maybe I, you know, like I said, I asked my group members to reach out to me. And then I don't want to feel like they're, I'm leaving them feeling abandoned or I'm not. answering that more. So I'll find myself like sometimes at a red light, like pick up and check my email. And I'm like, why am I checking my email in the 30 seconds of like piece that I have here of just being like, I'm just going to sit here and like allow my mind to be quiet and be present and get. And then as soon as I catch myself doing that, that's what I'm like, all right, I need a detox. So I think the answer to your question is, I think you will notice just like a calmer state of mind, but we often don't do it. You don't do it. So you don't know what you're going to feel. Right. Well, that's, I think the,

I think it's the hard part again when you talked about like what makes someone change. Right. And it's like sort of like a clear, a clear, I think, positive outcome that has like somewhat of a guaranteed timeline. Like, why does everyone go to work every day? It's because like they get. the paycheck every two weeks or whatever it is. And like you go, you get the paycheck, you don't go, you don't. It's like, you know what I mean? Like otherwise, why would everyone commit to doing that nine hours a day? So I think like the clear and it's tough. So that's why I think this particular thing is sort of tough because it's not like everyone's the same or if you put in this, you're going to get out that. And I, yeah, and you're right. I do think the immediate feeling is discomfort

right so that that's not it's the same thing with exercise the me when i'm pushing that weight up it doesn't feel like a massage it feels like uncomfortable and so does that moment where you're sitting at the red light and you're bored and you're to be over yeah want it you're impatient yeah or you're you know laying in your bed and you don't really feel like reading your book and you're just like breathing it's kind of like this feels a little bit uncomfortable but what i think happens is is after you do it repeatedly, it starts to feel not only comfortable, but also like a recharge and a reset and like a freshening up for your brain, which we don't, for a lot of people, the only time that you're not consuming is when you're unconscious and asleep.

Like there are a lot of people that are consuming media, whatever you want to call it, even if you're watching fall asleep watching a show. or like are fall sleep watching a podcast, you are consuming until the moment you lose your consciousness and the second you wake up, you grab your phone and you're back. And your brain really doesn't get to process and rest. Well, it's kind of like what you just said with the lifestyle thing.

Like if you do it enough, that's just what you do. Yeah. And I think people notice great improvements in sleep, especially if you do general screens, Like if you, I'm sure everybody's heard this, but like if you limit screens before bedtime, you just, you're not constantly stimulating yourself. And it allows your body to kind of settle and wind down and deal with what's already in there, which is 30, 40, 50 years of crap is already in there, let alone whatever you just saw

on Instagram five seconds ago or the dreadful birth story that you, you know, scrolled past that did kind of slip into your psyche. So, yeah, I'm a big fan. I've done this. It really is helpful. Even just managing other people's emotions we talked about, like how your phone kind of pulls you to manage the emotions of everyone who wants to talk to you. And if you don't answer them, like they're going to feel away or you're going to upset them or it just helps you to kind of not have to handle life to just live life. Okay, so what's the intention for when you want to grab the phone like I'm going to want to do as soon as we finish this recording?

Yes. I've been jonesing for it. Yes. Well, it's more of a question, right? And this is what I've done with my groups. It's like asking yourself the question, what am I seeking to feel right now? And then when you get that answer telling yourself, I can handle that. Like, I can handle being bored.

I can handle not knowing the answer to that question about whatever, what day the garbage is going to come, you know, or whatever the thing is. Like, I can handle not knowing that. I can handle, you know, being bored in this moment. I can handle the fact that that tab is not closed. And then maybe that breath trick that we talked about just to kind of soothe yourself through. It take a nice deep breath. Take an extra sip of air at the top and then breathe out nice and slow. So noticing what the feeling is that you're trying to get and then telling yourself,

I can handle that. So yeah, I would love it. Give it a try. Let us know how it goes. I'm probably due. I'm glad she wrote in. I'm probably due for a little detox day. Or maybe even like I feel like you could work up to that.

24 hours does seem like a long time if you're picking it up constant. maybe like an hour today, two hours tomorrow, whatever it is. Or even a good place to start is even if you don't change any of your behaviors, it's just noting all of your pickups. Right. Even just counting all of your pickups. I feel like they have an app for that. Yeah.

Ironically. Yeah. I'm sure. I'm sure there are apps to like help with all of this stuff or that brick thing that brick thing that you put on your fridge and you like lock your phone up or, you know, the first step is awareness. So even if you're just, okay, if you guys are listening today and you're like, I'm going to count how many times I just

pick up my phone today. Just count. Even if you continue to pick up your phone, it'll at least make you aware of every time you're picking up your phone. It's like any addiction. Like I know people do food diaries, right? Like, I'm going to write down everything that I eat. Why? So that I'm just like not mindlessly eating. I'm going to be aware of like what I'm eating instead of doing it without thinking and think about like, okay, am I eating this because I'm actually hungry? Am I eating this because I'm sad? Whatever it is. Like tracking is like the first step.

Yeah. So even if you don't change anything, just count how many pickups you have for the rest of the day. And then maybe tomorrow you can set yourself a limit. And the pickups are, I'm glad she brought up pickups because it's not even like the time necessary. I mean, the time is one thing. You're lost in an abyss. But the pickups are like, why?

Sometimes it just feels like no reason at all. It's like a pacifier or something. Like it's just soothing to know that you're not missing anything, I think. I'll have this at the doctor's appointment because I go to a lot of doctors now very frequently. Yeah. And sometimes they're like put my stuff down and put my jacket up, whatever. And then I'm like going to the seat in the doctor's like in the exam room.

And then I'm like, I got to bring my phone. Like I can't sit on the. Can't just sit here. Yeah. What if the doctor doesn't come in? for like 20 minutes. Yeah. I remember I went for a mammogram and they, you like take all your clothes off.

You put them in your locker and you're in your little gown like in the waiting area. And they had like a bunch of women all waiting like that. And I had left my like I took my stuff off and I left my phone like in the locker. And like all the rest of the women that were in there were like on their phones. And I was just sitting there. I'm like, oh, that we were kind of supposed to put all our belongings away. And it was, especially when other people are on their phone, and you'll notice this too, pickups are contagious.

Like if you're sitting in a room, as soon as you'll notice, like if Mike picks up his phone, that's part of that poll. Like now I'm going to pick up my phone. I want to be alone. Yes. Yeah. Really interesting. Keep track of it.

Oversharing challenge. Yeah. Let's do it. Let's play some triggered. Hello, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I've been an oversharing fan since day one. and absolutely love you up. Congrats on the babies, Jordana. Speaking of babies, I have a trigger scenario for you. I, 29 female, just found out my ex-boyfriend 33 male is having a baby with his new girlfriend.

That's already triggering. I dated him for about two years and we broke up in the middle for a few months because he said he didn't want to have kids anymore. That was a deal breaker for me. We got back together a couple of months later and he decided he would be willing to have one kid. We broke up for the second time in March 2025. In the summer, again, he crawled back and decided he wanted to get back together. We hung out a few times and talked about what that would look like. Wanting two kids was a major part of that discussion for me. I seriously considered getting back together, but the amount of anxiety I felt told me this was a bad idea. I listened to my body, like Naomi always says. I told him I didn't want to get back together on August 8th. He was pretty rude after I said this and I

unfollowed him on everything but didn't block his number. Fast forward to today. My sister's coworker who she works with about one time a month tells her she is dating my ex-boyfriend and they are expecting an accidental baby in June 2026. If you do the math, he would have knocked her up within the two months after I said goodbye to him. I'm very distraught by this. He texted me on September 30th that a store we liked was closing. I vaguely responded and he didn't continue the conversation. She would have been pregnant at that point. How triggered can I feel about this? Having kids was such a major decision point in our relationship and it seems crazy to be so careless about it after that. And I thought I was over this breakup months ago, Betch. I can definitely see

what this is triggering. It seems like it's the reason they broke up. I will say, though, this would confirm my feeling my like feeling of I'm glad we broke up just given that it doesn't seem like he's putting much care or attention into whatever he's doing now like yeah would you want to be dating having a baby with someone who was texting their ex about a place that they used to go together like while seeing you or you know she said and even the girlfriend said it was accidental so it's not like he did it he was like fell in love and decided to have a baby with someone a me now I can't wait to be a father now that I've met the right woman. I'm so excited for this. Yeah. Yeah. Still triggering regardless. I think very upsetting to like see someone sort of move on extremely

fast and also over the thing that you broke up over. Yeah. This is definitely triggering especially. Yeah, because that is why they broke up and now he's doing that same thing. Although he did tell you he was willing to have one kid. So like he didn't change that. And it was an accident. Yeah. And it was an accident. But I think the bigger picture of probably why you were feeling anxiety is it doesn't feel good to feel like you have to talk someone into parenthood. Because then there's this feeling of like, okay, once it gets annoying, it's kind of like, well, I didn't really want to do this in the first place. You kind of, you know, pushed this on me, which is why I think this is such an issue for so many couples. So on the one hand, it's kind of like, all right, she's going to deal with this reluctant.

father. Right. I don't think it's going to be all rainbows for them. You chose not to deal with a reluctant father. And I think that's, you know, it's interesting because I have a lot of patients that are dealing with dating someone that they really love, that they're in love with, where they differ about kids. Sometimes what I've seen happen is maybe there is an accident and you end up having a baby and the person who wasn't ready or doesn't know, we've had, we've had a few of these questions where it's like, well, they don't know and they don't know when they're going to know. And I do think a lot of times people don't know until they're forced to know. You know, they don't know what they, if they want or they're not ready until they're forced

to be ready. So I do think sometimes there is this aspect of like, in theory, you're like, I don't think I want to do this, but you also might not want to, you know, there's a lot of things in life that you're not ready for. You're not ready to lose your job, but you do. And you have to deal with it. And maybe this is an easier way for him to get into it because the person expects a lot less from him because it's new and accidental for both of them. Yeah. Yeah. And it's, it's hard. I think, you know, he's going to figure it out, but it does feel a little bit safer to go into parenting with someone that's equally as excited as you are about. Like that feels really nice to be like, we're in this together when it's hard.

We both agreed on it versus when it's hard, you're afraid he's going to look at you and be like, I told you this was going to be really hard. Like, I told you I wasn't ready for this. Right. We're dragging someone into the next step. Yeah. And I mean, if there's any silver lining, I would think of this as closure on the relationship in terms of, you know, sometimes you break up over something like this.

And then you're kind of, you've got, you've already broken up and gotten back together a few times now at least you can be able to close the door on it. It sounds like he's fully committed. Yeah. Yeah. I'd give this like a eight. This is very triggering. You're going to find your person where they cannot. I mean, it happens always, right? You have this pregnancy announcement where you show the person the pregnancy test and they are like completely disappointed or they even start like crying or getting upset or getting mad or blaming. or whatever. And then you have the, you know, first response commercial response where he picks you up and twirls you around. And it's like the most exciting thing in life. I think it's nicer to go into it

with someone that's ready and looking forward to it. So I still think you made the right choice here. But yeah, definitely triggering. All right. Let's do one more. Jordana and Dr. Nomi, I have a triggered scenario for you that involves a pre-planned cruise vacation. and a due date of a second grandbaby. I'm currently 35 weeks pregnant with my second baby. Backtracking to when I started to announce my pregnancy, I told my parents around the 13-week mark that my husband and I are expecting. The first question naturally from them was about the due date.

It turned out that they actually booked a cruise vacation to depart on the day before my due date in February. They briefly mentioned how just a deposit was placed and they still had the opportunity to switch their dates. However, I didn't feel comfortable telling them to change the dates of their much anticipated vacation, so I told them they should proceed with their plans. My parents aren't retired yet. They work hard and really value their vacation time. To give you a bit of context, too, when I had my first baby two and a half years ago, my parents were incredibly overbearing.

My son was the first grandchild in the family and I also had a very traumatic birth during a time where I needed support from them. All they wanted to do was see my son, hold him, take pictures, and even at one point told me that this experience isn't all about me. Needless to say, it affected our relationship since, is I don't feel like I can truly count on them. I'm approximately five weeks from having this baby and my parents are going ahead with their cruise. Part of me feels like I'm dodging a bullet and thankfully I don't need to put up with their potential antics during the birth of my second baby. However, a bigger part of me is triggered that they didn't feel the need or want to be physically present when their grandbaby is born.

Should I just get over this considering we're on two different pages when it comes to showing support after birth? Or can I feel triggered that my own parents didn't feel the need to change their vacation plans so they could be present for the birth of another grandbaby. Curious to hear your takes signed. Maybe it is all about me, Batch. This is hard. I think she has this fantasy of how she wishes that her parents would be. And they just aren't. I remember seeing a real once and it really was so sweet. It was like the mother had just given birth. And I guess it was the grandmother that walked in the room and she walked right past the baby and like right over to the mother and was just like, touching her face and like taking care of her and like didn't even you know like wasn't even

thinking about the baby and I do think that there is this piece of giving birth and like you know becoming a new mom where you do want this caretaking for you so them not being there for the birth is kind of like yeah the baby will be there when we get back and we'll see the baby the idea that you are going to be going through this thing and we're not going to be there for this enormous medical condition that you're going to be working through feels a little bit like you're being dismissed or your experience is being ignored, which I get. But that being said she did tell them they could go on the cruise. Yeah, 100%.

So that I totally agree. And that is a pet peeve personally of mine when someone's like, yeah, sure, no worries. Like, no problem. Don't do the thing. And then they're secretly. yes. Secretly resentful. Testing you.

Yeah. Yeah. For sure. I agree with that. I think that like, I think if they didn't, if they just told her that, they were going on the,

like they already booked it. They did ask her. She said, don't change it. They didn't change it. It sounds like it was a little tense the last time. Maybe they kind of felt like,

you know, they'll give you some space and maybe, you know, when they come back, you'll be like in a little bit of a better place. There's possibility of that. And it's funny. I mean, it's funny because I was talk, I always tell the story about like when Lila was born and the whole family was at the hospital. Literally like 15 people. Yeah. Like waiting for her to be born and all that stuff.

As like the oldest first grandchild, which sounds like her son was. And then now like, you know, when a baby's born, we get a text. Right. It's like a heart emoji. Yeah. Yeah. So true. It's so funny. I just think, I mean, also I think that's another part of it. It's like the novelty of like, I'm a grandma has. It's really, most people are a little bit self-motivated. So I think the first baby is like, I'm a grandparent. Like, this is a new role for me. Yes.

That's why I think your family members are a little bit more, a lot of the time, a little more excited about your baby than your friends is because it can feel like, like I am really, I am, I have a new niece. I have a new nephew. you. I have a new grandchild. It's like a little bit more. I mean, at the heart, most things are a little bit about how they affect you. Yeah. And so I get it. If I were them, I might still go.

I don't know. How many other kids have been born since then? Yeah. And look, I think I had that initial thought of like, okay, like you'll do your thing. You'll have your baby and we'll come see them as soon as we get back. I think it, I do think it is a little bit of an indicator of that. level of care and closeness that you have with your parent about whether or not both of and here's the other thing it's we've been discussing these dynamics where it's like you're putting out

this like I didn't you know in the last episode she didn't want to go on the trip but she wanted to be invited you know like I don't really want you there but I want you to want to be there so then I can tell you like no it's better that you're not there actually because you're annoying and you're overbearing. So I think when you're putting out a vibe and a relationship, you have to be able to tolerate that that person's going to pick up the vibe and act accordingly. You can't put out this vibe of like, I really am putting up this boundary. I don't want you there. You're overbearing or I don't even want to go on this trip with you because I would never want to spend that much time with you. And then also want them, like nobody likes to be constantly

rejected, especially as a parent. I think that probably is hard. And your parents probably picked up that they were annoying you. And like you said, we're like, okay, we'll come. We're not going to change our life to come so you can keep telling us that we're annoying and overbearing and right. Maybe you're bossing us around. I can also see them reading if it, if you guys were fighting the last time, maybe they're reading you saying, go on the cruise as I'd rather not. Go on the cruise. Like, I think it might, you could easily see a triggered where someone says, I was so thrilled that they had already booked a cruise. And then they, I told them to keep to keep it. And then they canceled it. And now they're going to be here again. And they're

going to be so annoying. Yes. I think this is an issue of you have like a fantasy for how you want your parents to show up and then accepting the fact that they're not showing up that way. And I, I, this is a hard part of parenting that I'm going through now. as I have an older child where like, and I could see this happening with a birth where she'll be like, I'm going to tell you something. And I don't want you to make any suggestions or like have any advice. And I don't want you to do anything.

Like I've gotten to this point with Lila where we're like figuring out our mature relationship. And I, your teen mom relationship. Yes. And I need this reminder of like, like, okay, this is how she needs me to show up for her in like a way of where I'm not going to try to protect her or fix it or do whatever. And I think sometimes maybe she says her mom is

overbearing. So I think her mom was probably trying to be like, well, you should do this and maybe you should do this and you should go. And if that's, you can try to help her understand. Obviously, this birth maybe isn't going to be the time to do it. But like, this is what I need from you. And like, When Lila tells me that, I really try to listen to her. It's very, very hard. And I still, sometimes there's like a pull, you know, to try to fix it or give an advice or you know what you should do is like the worst. That's the last thing she wants to hear. Or you got to say this or you've got to try.

So I think that's what comes off as overbearing. So yeah, there's a part of this that if you're figuring out, I've discovered what I didn't like about that. And I need to, maybe your mom is capable of hearing, hey, when you know, even if it's not about the birth, like when you come over with the baby and I'm telling you like, oh, he just won't sleep and I'm so exhausted. Or like, he just won't take this bottle. I just need you to say something like, wow, that sounds really hard. Or like, is there anything I can do to help instead of, well, it's because you're using this bottle and it's because you didn't do this. And maybe you should try that. and you need blackout shades.

And like maybe you need to tell her what you need. And so you can get closer to the fantasy of the mother that you wish that you had. But if you're not going to communicate what that is and you're also going to tell her, hey, go ahead and go on your vacation. And you can't be mad that that's what she's doing. I'll give this like a three because you said go. I agree. If she just said we're going and didn't offer to change it,

then I would give it like a five or a six, but because you told her to go. It's already booked. Yeah. Yeah. And again, they might think that's what you want because you said that. And look, you're five weeks out. So I mean, there is a part of this that's like, okay, deal with it going forward.

But another option is five weeks out to say, you know what, mom, I've been thinking. Part of why we struggled the last time is because I felt like you were trying so hard. to make suggestions or make things better, whatever it is that she's doing and what I really need from you. It sounds like they weren't paying, she was upset that she wrote because they were only paying attention

to her son and not her. Okay, so maybe she could talk to her about, you know, like the last time I felt like I could have really used a little more care from you and I could have, you know, like, you know, I was feeling kind of weak and vulnerable and I felt like a lot of it was just about the baby and I could have used more care from you

or even something that's like, cute, like I kind of could use my mommy, you know, just to let her know, like, you know, maybe some vulnerable, like I just needed my mom in that time and just communicate. Maybe you do want to say, if I'm being honest, I would really like for you to be there. And if it's too late to change your plans, I totally get that. But I think I was trying to be like kind of tough and independent and feel like I didn't need you or maybe I did feel a little disappointed last time because it was more about the baby. But yeah, there's a part of me that really wants my mom when I'm in that vulnerable state. So, you know, maybe you could share that with her if you haven't already.

Yeah. And if you do that and she can switch it, great. And if it's too late, at least you've also said what you wanted to say when she comes back. I'm sure she'll have a different vibe. Totally. And I'm thinking about that, like I said from this perspective, as a mom. who's growing to have like a teenage daughter of like I sometimes do need a little feedback. You know, like there's no handbook for how to deal with these things. Right. It did sound like they should again, but that's what I'm saying. Like I feel like the experience like it's not the it's the parenting.

She might be mourning the parents that she wishes they were. And like what they are is maybe like again, there's a little bit more of like a narcissism to like I'm a new grandma. Then let me take care of my my daughter versus going on this cruise. Yeah, and taking pictures so she could show all her friends, which just feels like, yeah, I hear it. And you can, you know, if you do choose to talk to her about it, you can kind of say, I shared with you like what was hurtful for me about this the last time. Your response felt like you were doubling down. And I, you know, I would love for you to be here, but this is kind of what I need from you.

But yeah, it's really hard when, especially we do communicate what you need to your parents. and they don't lean into it. It's hard. Maybe it'll be good that they're not there. It probably will if they were annoying you by ignoring you, kind of. Well, she said it's kind of like changed their relationship. Yeah, she was really disappointed. This might be worth a discussion after they get back from the cruise about the whole thing

and what, like you said, the vulnerability of like, this is what I kind of felt like I needed you. This is what I felt like I got. But maybe almost like removing that from the like actual chaos of when a baby. arrives. Yeah. All right. Well, good luck. All right. That's our time. Great work today.