Oversharing - Can I Set Boundaries Without Being Rude?

Episode Date: December 27, 2022

For the final episode of 2022, Jordana and Naomi start off by chatting about how the end of the year is a great time for reflection. They jump into an Overshare email about a mother who is anxious when spending time with family due to her and her SIL’s difference in parenting styles. Is there a way to change your mindset before family time? They move on to this week’s Betchicist from a listener who doesn’t want to be rude, but can’t stand staying at her boyfriend’s parent’s house due to its uncleanliness. Naomi reassures that it’s okay to want a physical space that you can go to and regroup. Then, they create an intention for a listener who feels guilty that they are far away from their loved ones. To close out the episode, they read some Triggered submissions about choosing your friends over your partner and a noisy mother. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello, and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. And it is our last episode of the year.

Wow. What a year. Crazy. It is weird. I still remember basking in the, sun of the summer soaking in all the rays. And now it's the end of December. It's crazy. But a good time for reflection. I think, you know, people tend to do it around this time of year, even though it's great to do it all the time. But this is a great time to, you know, see if there's anything you'd like to

work on and use the new year as a new opportunity to do that. Yeah. That's always, I feel like it's very, it can be hopeful or annoying, I guess, if you look back on the last year. and it wasn't what you wanted to be. But I like a New Year's resolution. I think we talked about this because it's like a little mini intention. Totally. But I do think you're right. There is that tendency to maybe fall into this negative pattern of thinking of another year that I didn't get this or I didn't do that or focus on something that you did not accomplish.

New Year, same me. Yeah, but look. Again, as I always say, and we talked about it last week, it's really not about the outcome. It's more about your mindset and your experience in your life, which you can create. You know, you can create your own experience. So it's not, if you're going to focus on the outcome of what you're getting or not getting or what you have or don't have, the universe has a way of kind of smacking you down. But if you focus on you know, resilience. It's funny, real quick. I don't know. Did you see there's this, the Jonah Hill Netflix documentary? I was going to mention it in our conversation last week,

but I didn't. I saw the first half. I didn't finish it yet. But I did think it was interesting because we were talking about the woman who wrote it about Christmas saying that her in-laws, like her mom was like asking her for support or something. Right. And we were talking about like who to ask if you're open. to doing that. And it was funny because I remember Jonah Hill was saying, like, with his therapist, it's like, when you talk to your friends, they're very quick to give advice, but they don't know anything. Right. And when you talk to your therapist, they don't give you any advice, but supposedly, like, they know what the answer is. Right. It's very true. You know, and I just thought it was so

interesting. One of the things that stood out what he was saying, and it's true because the therapist is kind of, like, people come in and they want actionable steps. And his therapist did give some actionable steps, like the tools that he talked about. For those of you, you know, you haven't, don't know what we're talking about, Jonah Hill made a documentary about his therapist and their relationship. What was it called? Stutz, I think, something like that. Yes. I thought it was like good, but then he started talking about like the therapist's like

life and background and I was like, I don't really know who this person is. So I don't. You're like, I don't care about you. I don't really. Yeah. I mean, I mean, kind of. I mean, it's a little random that Jonah Hill is like making a movie about his therapist,

which like I'm kind of like, okay, cool. if I'm sure it'll bring some interesting thought pattern or techniques, but then he started going into like where he was born and his family. And I was like, give me the others. Give me the stuff. Yeah. Right. One of the things that I liked, which is kind of this like Buddhist type acceptance, non-resistance mentality, which is he was saying there are three certainties to life, which are uncertainty, pain, and work, which sound kind of. dreary, right? Just a tad.

But if you can accept and not feel like you always have to kind of be doing something, right? Like you're looking to the friends or the therapist to tell you like, what do I do about this pain? What do I do about this uncertainty? You're not really going to get the answer. You know, just kind of accepting those things, I think gives you a little bit of freedom to move beyond fighting those. things because many people spend their entire life just, you know, fighting against uncertainty or pain. And the work part I liked, because it's what we always talk about. It's like what we talked about with the manifestation thing. Work isn't just like, I'm going to wish on a shooting star

and manifest my destiny. It's like, I'm going to do that repeatedly and, you know, take the time to work on myself and create intention and move with intention throughout. my day every day, which is exhausting sometimes. I have a lot of patients that come in and they're like, I am tired of reframing my thoughts. Like, I am tired of this. I don't want to have to do this for the rest of my life. Yeah. And I think that's a big frustration in therapy because, like you said, it is linear, right?

And I remember seeing a therapist and mine was like to get over a guy. And I remember a few months in, I was just like, just give me the thing that's going to like make this better. Because like, this is very frustrating. And it's not like, give me the good. I guess that's my own internal. I just solved my lesson with discussing the documentary in the beginning. I was like, I don't care about the way you're framing it with your family and the apartment and your brother and whatever.

I'm like, just give me the. Yeah. Give me the shot. Yeah. Totally. Which is why these pop psychology things are great. And these things like TikTok things that you can boil down to like a, you know, one minute trick. Those things sell because people don't want, they don't want to work at it.

They just want like the quick fix. I get it. And it, you know, but if you can wrap it up, which he does in the documentary, what I like is he gives these little tips and tricks that kind of wrap it up in a nice little bow. And he does these, you know, he gives you like an imagery to keep in your mind of like, whatever it is, like the negative self-talk is like the X. And he draws a picture of the person with the X's all around them. And like, you know, I thought there were some good takeaways from that.

So if you haven't watched it, check it out. Maybe I'll finish it as a patience in a nonlinear instant gratification. Yes. Of taking the soundbite. Did you watch the Selena Gomez documentary? No, but I've heard a lot about it. But I did not watch it. I mean, it came out a while ago, so we might be a little late on the game to discussing it.

But that was another thing where I was like, it kind of felt like a little like a slow burn. But part of me was like, just give me the inspirational take home. Right. Right. Continue on with my day. That's why the secret, right? The book is called The Secret. It's kind of like, all right, give me the secret.

I want to know the secret. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it doesn't, it's much harder to sell something that's like, eventually if you continue on and you keep doing it every day. And accept pain and uncertainty. Yeah. We will find contentness.

Is that the Weight Watchers like slogan? I don't know. Like, people are like, I know. I want the diet pill. I want the thing that works. immediately. I want the quick fix. Right. But I do think the, like you said, the more meaningful, real life-changing stuff is not a moment in time. It's a lot of little moments. A lot of little moments. That add up

to that kind of stuff. And it's funny because people, you know, when I have a dating podcast, and when I got engaged, people would always be like, and what was the moment where you knew he was the one? And I remember being like, that's not like really how it works, I think, in a real relationship. In the real relationship, I feel like it's a lot of little moments that all add up to like a larger piece of that. It wasn't like, oh, when he put his coat on the floor and then I stepped over it, then I knew. Right, right. No, it's like all, because anyone can be, like you said, like anyone can manifest something in a two-minute TikTok video, but it's really about like the long-term little mini fights that you get over, the little things that don't sound as quippy, that don't sound as

sellable that aren't as good sound bites that are really the thing that gives something meaning. Totally. So maybe for New Year's resolution, just resolving yourself that there's not going to be a quick fix, that you have to kind of put in little moments of work. It's not like crazy work. It's not like digging ditches in 105 degree heat. It's just little mental effort, little bits of mental effort throughout the day. It's not huge amounts of work, but you can't just fall back to your natural patterns.

So even just a New Year's resolution that has to do with accepting that and not looking and seeking out these storybook, quick fix pieces of wisdom, epiphany type thing, that's usually not how it goes. Right. And anyone who tries to sell you that is, again, trying to probably just make some money quickly off of your desperation to change. yourself. Right. Oh, sad. Yeah. But we're doing it the hard way. We're doing it the right way here on sharing, slow and steady. Yeah, think about it like this podcast. You can't just listen to one episode and expect to be as wise as Dr. Naomi. You need to keep coming back week after week to get your daily fix. You know, one therapy session never really, I think, freed anyone of their ailments. And that's hard as a therapist because a lot of people come in and they're like, they've been waiting so long. And

They've anticipated this therapy session and they come in. And, you know, a lot of times that's why I do try. And he, I think he even said that in the documentary, the Jonah Hill documentary, he was even saying, like, he really wants to give someone something that they can take home and feel, like, hopeful that there's some change. So, you know, just kind of control over your own experience through your mindset is one of those things that you can give a patient. But one session usually doesn't do much.

so you do have to put in some work and have some patience. So yeah, we jump right in. Should we do an overshare? Let's do it. Hello, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm writing in mostly to get something off my chest, but also to get some strategies to survive family time. Here's the backstory. My sister-in-law has one son and I have two boys. I love my sister-in-law and enjoy our time together, but our differing parenting styles are causing me anxiety. We live in different states and see each other a few times a year and spend it between three to five days together. When we are together, our boys play together fine, but there are things my nephew does that annoy me to the point where my mood visibly changes. He tends to whine slash cry when he doesn't get his way.

Play on his iPad when my son just wants to play with him. My older son does not have a tablet of any kind. Asks questions over and over again despite getting an answer because it's an answer he doesn't want. And he's a picky eater, but is allowed to eat what he wants, not just what is for dinner. What kind of monsters have raised this child? My sister-in-law tends to play into his behavior or does not address it. Also, my older son's behavior starts to regress after spending time with him. I feel like a bitch complaining about my six-year-old nephew and hate that I feel anxiety anytime we are about to see them. I feel like I start out in a positive mindset, but towards the middle slash end of our time together, I start to avoid my nephew or I'm very short with him. So my question is, how can I change my mindset

before family time. Do you have any strategies for me to be more patient with my nephew? Thanks for your help, sincerely, the annoyed aunt. This is funny because her nephew sounds a lot like my kids. So, no advice for you. No, so, but look, I'm self-reflective. You know, I think a lot of my, and this is just a personal, this isn't the therapist me. This is the personal me.

and I think you've come to my house and I've maybe kind of asked you like how annoying or maybe it was, you know, I forget one time we were together. I'm like, how annoying do you find like, you know, I think Brooks didn't feel well one day or whatever it was. He was being kind of like a pain in the ass. And I'm like, how annoying is this for other people when my children are not behaving well? So I'm, right. You know, self-aware. Yeah, I think that's a big thing. And also for me, it's like, I don't, because I don't have any kids of my own, I'm not like comparing your stuff. I'm not like, oh, I would do it, like I do it this way. And so like I feel like a lot of people with kids around people with other kids are very much like it becomes extremely comparative of who's, you know,

they do it even with like newborns. It's like, oh, this mom like lets them cry and this mom like is more attentive. And the one who who lets them cry is like, oh, they're like an anxious mess or like right. Everyone is a little bit high and mighty no matter what their parenting style I think is about their parenting style. And for me, I'm like, as long as I'm not doing it, I don't really care. Right. It's not like my problem. But I could see, I guess, if I, maybe if I had kids around your kids, then it would be like, it would impact me more. Like, maybe with our, with our brother who lives in Texas with you. Like, maybe it's more of a thing for him than it would be for me. Yeah, I do think it is very common and for people to judge other people's parenting styles, especially if your kids are

playing together and they're interacting and she feels like her son is taking on some of this behavior, which I see the benefits on both sides, right? There's a spectrum of permissiveness that comes with parenting, right? On the one side, there's just like extremely permissive parents that kind of don't set boundaries and don't have structure and that's not good for the parents and that's not good for the kids. On the other side, there's parents that are getting like stressed out and worked up about every little bitty thing. And that's probably not great for the parents or the kids either. So you kind of have to find this middle ground. So I think what's happening here is that the sister-in-law is a bit permissive and just probably avoiding a fight. And I can

relate to the sister-in-law, because the same way that I have this mentality of like, don't stress it, no big deal, just kind of let it wash over you. I do think if I'm being introspective, it probably I could use. That's one of the areas of work that I'm doing in myself is like trying to work on creating more structure and taking on more of a challenge with my kids instead of just being like, oh, well, they're only young once. And it's not going to be like this forever. And, you know, okay, it's not a big deal.

That kind of attitude, which sometimes can get carried away and result in poor behavior. Like he says whining when he doesn't get what he wants. eating the non-approved dinner foods or something. Right. I'm the one in my house that's like, all right, if you don't want this, you can have, this probably comes from mom. But like if you don't want that, you can have like cereal and yogurt. You know, those are your options.

You can have whatever's for dinner or you can have something. But you're not like, well, if you don't want the dinner, like, we'll order you like your own meal from like a separate place. Like there is a, it's all in a spectrum, I think, of leniency. Like you're, if you're saying like you could have cereal and yogurt, you're not like, there's a difference between that and like you can do anything you will. Right. I'm going to make you a whole separate meal. Right.

Right. No, that is definitely not happening. But yeah, it is hard. So her question is how do I change my mindset before family time? I think if you can have some empathy and perhaps what's happening here and I can see this too is some parents are taking on the challenge. Like we talked a few weeks ago about like sometimes you're jealous of somebody that's like putting in the work that you don't have to put in, I know what it means to not give the picky eater

a second option, right? There's work there. That means either they're not going to eat and then they're going to get hungry and they're going to have a tantrum or they're going to have a tantrum because they just aren't getting what they want. So a lot of these things are like avoiding tantrums, avoiding your kid's strong emotions. She gives him the iPad because he probably just keeps him quiet and she can have a conversation or these things that feel easy as a parent that end up kind of just not teaching your child how to be uncomfortable, right? We talked about that too. So this listener probably feels annoyed. Like, yeah, I don't love it when I have to say no. I don't love it when my children are disappointed or have to suffer

through an uncomfortable thing, but I do it because I know it's in their best interest and it's the right thing to do and it's probably annoying when other people aren't doing that and kind of letting their kids just be annoying and kind of rule the roost. Right. So it seems like, I think it's like a sense she's angry because it feels like unfair or do you think she's actually angry because it actually is affecting her kid and making them feel like it's making her kid more annoying. Right. I guess maybe a little bit of both. But what I would say is you have your relationship with your kid. They're going to be, you can't shelter them. They're going to be around all kinds of. kids at school for the rest of their life, you have to have a conversation with your child that

just because Timmy is acting this way doesn't mean that you act this way. You know, you have to really have that conversation with your child and reward him. And I know that, you know, it must have been hard for you to watch Timmy on his iPad if you really wanted to do that or whatever the situation is. And just, you know, use it as an opportunity to talk to your child about how to conceptualize other kids poor behavior and not kind of take that on instead of, you know, it's an opportunity for you to kind of have a teaching moment with your child instead of trying to avoid any interaction that your child might have with a poorly behaved child because you're never going to be able to avoid that, whether it's your family or a friend or someone in school. And what about the part

where she feels really annoyed and irritated with her nephew himself? Yeah, well, that, I mean, I feel like people feel that way with their own children sometimes and other people's children. But specifically, if it's someone else's fault, the child is acting that way I could see being annoyed. I think the only thing I can recommend is just like taking a break and kind of saying, okay, I'm just going to not be here for this or I'm going to take my child and go do something else and just take a little break and changing the mindset of like, it's really actually not the kid's fault. You know, it's not his fault that he doesn't have any balance. boundaries and that he's the shitty mom's fault. Yeah, I mean, the truth is, I think that if a kid

asks the same question 10 times and on the 11th time gets the answer to change, he's only human. He's just going to keep doing that because it works. Right. So, but I don't think you can tell your sister-in-law or whoever it is to change her parenting style. I think you just have to, you know, realize that it doesn't have to affect your child negatively. It could be a learning experience for your child and an teaching moment for you and your child. And it could be a moment for you to maybe have some empathy for your sister-in-law and your nephew and just say maybe she's overwhelmed so she doesn't feel like she has the space to pick these battles with him. Yeah. I think that's fair. And then feel smug in that in the long term, your kids will probably

There you go. More. That's true. You could feel a little pride in what you're doing instead of feeling angry about what they're not doing. Yeah. You could, you know, just come back to like, look, this is, even if it makes you feel better, like, this is why I take on these battles because I don't want my child to turn out like this. So it kind of can give you a little bit of that feeling like, I'm doing something right here and it feels good. I'm going to stick to my guns.

I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. That might be a better way. And also just not giving up and feeling like just because your son maybe takes on some of these behaviors means that it's a terrible thing. It's probably a teaching moment. So that's how I would change the mindset there. Yeah. And maybe her sister-in-law, like you said, is kind of jealous that she's managed to do that. Whenever I encounter parents, because I think it's from our childhood, we didn't come from a very structured.

Yeah, free for all. I struggle with that as personally as a parent. I struggle with creating enough structure. whenever I do see parents that really have that down pat, I really admire that. And I learn from that. And even though you guys might not be talking about it, she might be observing how you do things and thinking, oh, wow, that looks, you know, that might be something I'd like to try. Because I know that as a parent, sometimes I do that with people that really seem like they have their stuff together. That's funny. I kind of feel like it made me like the lack of structure growing up made me like crave it.

It was like, I love like, I love rules. Right. It make me feel very. safe. They make me feel very calm. I feel like a rule is like, oh, someone like cares to, like, as an adult. I didn't think as a kid. I was like, oh, it's cool. We all like, don't have to brush our hair. Attach pick here. Yeah. But it's funny how that can like create a different outcome. No, I agree. And I think most kids do really thrive in structure. So, I think you're on the right track. You're doing it probably the healthier way. And she's just not as evolved as a parent yet or struggling for whatever reason to set these boundaries. But I would take pride in what you're doing, smug pride. And empathy. I do think it is in their best interest

to have adequate structure and rules. Like you said, it makes you feel safe. It makes kids feel safe, too. Yeah. Okay, let's do a bet you're ready. All right, let's do it. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm obsessed with the pod. You give great advice and often save my friends from listening to my latest overthinking spiral. I'm hoping you can help me out with an issue that's been looming in the background for a while now and has finally come to a head this holiday season.

Apologies for the long message, though the context is necessary. My boyfriend and I have decided to spend the holidays together for the first time in our four-plus-year relationship. We've been living together for a year and a half. now and decided it was time to start splitting holidays between our families as we would like to spend them together. We decided to spend Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with my family as our families are over three hours apart and it would be impossible to see both on each holiday. My concern isn't about splitting time between families. His family is great and I was excited to see their holiday traditions, but rather staying at his childhood home. For context, their home is in

complete disrepair and is absolutely disgusting. Partly as a result of their constant... No judgment. Partly as a result of their constant busyness with work, they work on their farm seven days a week and their limited income financial stability. But primarily a result of his family's lack of cleanliness. I know I sound harsh, but trust me, it's that bad. Imagine 10 plus cats litter boxes in every room.

I'm sure you can imagine the smell. floor is so dirty you have to wear shoes at all time and windows so filmy you cannot see out of them. My boyfriend's fully aware of the issue and we have stayed at a hotel or family members home up to this point. However, his family, quote unquote, cleaned for weeks before I came to stay at their home, so much so that my boyfriend went a week in advance to help. And while it was slightly better, I was still severely uncomfortable and felt suffocated throughout the entire three days I stayed with them. I love my boyfriend so much and have no doubt that an engagement is coming soon. I can't wait. But I have concerns about how things will work moving forward.

Throughout my stay, his mom kept stating that I can, quote, come all the time now that things are cleaned up. Though I couldn't imagine staying for five more minutes, let alone multiple times a year for the rest of my life. My question is this. How would you handle the situation, especially with the potential of a future family with him. I love his family and want to spend time with them, but have an anxiety attack upon entering their home. I know it means a lot to him to have me there, and I want to be there for him,

though I couldn't be more uncomfortable in the environment. I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable with our future children staying there when we do get to that point. Any words of advice would be much appreciated, sincerely, clean freak, betch. This is kind of funny. I haven't heard this one before. I wonder if people felt that way about our home. It was like, why are their knife marks in the door? It was just, you know, sister and I chasing each other. Yeah, random holes in the wall. Yeah.

I remember Josh would like come home. Before he brought a girlfriend home, he would always be like checking to make sure there was toilet paper in every bathroom. Yes. It was doing like his own sweep. Right. Yeah. You know, I think I know a lot of people out there have cats.

I get it, they're cute, but like 10 animals under one roof is like, that's, I think that's like the whole problem. If it was just a little dingy, but like 10 cats, that's a whole, that's a lifestyle. Yeah, I think it's tough because it's like she doesn't want to be seem like this snob who won't like stay at this place, which is clearly acceptable to these other people because they live there full time. It's not like they're inviting them to some hotel or something. Like they live there all the time. So I could see why it would be extremely insulting to be like, I can't even stay here for five minutes. Right. But at the same time, you don't want to be going somewhere that you're dreading that you completely hate and that it's just going to be really awful. I do think that I think it's

within her, within reason for her to say, I want to visit your family. I love them. We can go over there for breakfast in the morning. We can like spend a lot of time. They can walk around the farm and be outdoors. It sounds kind of cool. But I'd rather stay in our own place. Like I'd rather get a hotel.

I do think that you kind of have to respect. Even some people just don't like sharing space with other people. And I think that that's reasonable. You know, if you're just sort of like, I just, especially if you want the interaction, to go well. It's almost like you're proactively saying you have a place that you can kind of come back to to regroup. And I think everyone, when they're with someone else's side of the family, it's in everyone's best interest that you can have like a little mini sanctuary of space that you can kind of step back into if you're feeling overwhelmed or you're feeling like you just need a

minute to just kind of reset your mindset, come back to your intention, whatever it is. is so, and I do get why it's offensive, you know, like I understand that you just want everyone to be one big happy family. Right. But sometimes you just have to accept, like, that's just not the way this is turning out and you can spend time together, but it doesn't have to be a sleepover necessarily. Right. I mean, your house is lovely, so this is just a hypothetical. But let's say, like, you're old and Brooks comes back and he's got a girlfriend and she, you know, she spends Thanksgiving at your house. And then she's like, you know, I just can't do this.

I know what? I mean, your house is great. But like in a hypothetical scenario. Yeah, it would probably hurt my feelings. But I also think there's a reality check. If you have 10 cats, like not everyone's going to like that. So just that in and of itself is like kind of, she could just, you know, kind of pretend like she suddenly developed a cat allergy. And that might solve the entire problem.

I don't recommend that. But I do think when you make a choice like that, like we are going to have 10 animals. I think at any point someone might, even if it's, you know, the cleanest of homes, someone might say, I just don't really feel comfortable in this environment. Right. I agree. I think that's the move. Or like get a hotel or hopefully one day, if you guys are married in the future, you have a house,

you can invite them to you. Yes. And then you get to control the whole environment. Right. and then you take that part of it out of it completely, which is great. I mean, it's funny. Like, I just did Thanksgiving at Mike's house, and I love his family. They're amazing.

They're very nice. And they live, like, 45 minutes to an hour. They live on Long Island away from us. And, like, normally we'd stay there, and we've been together like five years. But I think at this point this year, I'm kind of like, I'm sort of at a place where I feel like, I just kind of want to go home at the end of the night. Right. And it's not like, and I, it's not like.

And in my mind, it's not like an offensive thing and no one does anything. It's not like anyone takes it that way. But in my head, I'm always like, is it rude if I'm like, I'd rather go home than like sleep here? Right. Yeah. And look, I'm sure some people might take it offensively. But you have to, you also have to be realistic on the other side. Like when before we moved, we had a pretty small house and we didn't have like a guest room that had privacy with a bathroom.

And nobody ever really wanted to stay over. And like, sometimes I would feel like, oh, it would be so nice if, like, you stayed over and we could wake up in the morning and, like, have breakfast and kind of keep the party going. But I also was understanding of, like, this isn't set up in a way that's conducive to guests. Right. So, yeah, moral of the story is, be richer and more people will come to your home. I mean, it is, I mean, it's true and it's not true. I don't think you have to be, like, super loaded to, like, be entertaining people. but there is an aspect of like even like my dad growing up would have had like a one bedroom apartment like I don't really want to go to your like and we never stayed with him we always stayed at her mom's house because she had a big house we had our own rooms and we were doing whatever and like I there's an extent to which like I get that that not everyone can afford the same things but it's also like for something to feel like home you need to feel like you don't have to be interacting with someone constantly because you have your own space right like that's it's funny you would think like what makes a home is that's

like all the people around to like hang out with. It's like, no, what makes... Solitude makes a hope. What makes a hope is like being able to be in a room with someone and not interact with them actually. I think it's what makes like a comfortable... Right. And yeah, I think this is like you bring up the analogy of like me with Brooks.

And I think I would be understanding, yes, it would probably hurt my feelings. Would I like then to stay up late and wake up in the morning and make them breakfast and feel like we're one big happy family, you know, Yeah, that would be great, but you also have to kind of understand that, you know, someone has a partner now and their partner might just need a little bit more space, even if it's not about the cleanliness. And I certainly wouldn't phrase it about that, like phrase it in that way. Right. I would just say, I prefer to have my own space. You know, I don't feel entirely, you know, comfortable. I would just prefer to stay in a hotel. And we will come over in the morning and I look forward to spending time and you can overcompensate by being super nice. you know, spending lots of time with them. But I think if you want to stay in a hotel, I don't think, yeah, it's probably going to hurt their feelings a little bit. But from the way she describes it, this is so uncomfortable for her that I think she's going

to end up having a better relationship with them. If she sets this boundary, has her space, has her nice shower, gets all fresh, and comes over in the morning. I think it's going to be better for everybody in the long run. I agree. Good luck. Yeah, good luck. I'd like an update on this one.

Let's see how this goes. Let's do some intention. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Trudana. I love oversharing and recommend it to everyone. I was hoping to get some help or just hear you discuss a situation that I think about often. It might be one where an intention setting could help, but I'm not sure. Also, this email is long, but I guess the too long didn't read is how do you balance being close to people you love and living your own life?

I guess we just did this one in a way. differentiation is hard. I grew up in a small, isolated religious community where my parents still live. I moved two years ago to a city 21 hours away by car. Because of this, I don't see my parents that often, four times a year. And while I'm very, very happy in my life here, I feel incredibly guilty and sad about the prospect of not living by my parents for the later part of their lives. And the idea of one day having kids far away from my family is really depressing to me.

There are some cities closer to them, eight-hour drive away, that I've considered moving to. But on recent visits, I've decided I don't think I would enjoy living there. I want to either bite the bullet and move back closer, even though I don't think I'll like it as much as my current city, or find a way to feel less guilty but my own selfishness and prioritizing living in a place I love over spending my life near my family, which I would also love, but maybe just not enough to make the sacrifice it would require. My parents will never move to live by me, but my boyfriend's parents are planning on it if we have kids together. So I'd potentially have his family nearby one day. How do you make big choices in your life when all the sides seem so nuanced and compelling?

Dr. Naomi, you mentioned helping a listener with writing some intentions and wanting to know the thoughts and fears from the situation. My pattern thoughts and fears about this usually arise when I'm really happy. I'll be hanging out with friends or doing one of my hobbies here, and then it'll just hit me that I haven't seen my parents in months and how much of their lives I'm missing. My fear is that I'm being selfish by choosing to live so far away and that one day I will regret not prioritizing my time with my parents more. Please help, a sad betch. What do you think? Yeah, this is tough. I think a lot of people probably deal with this in terms of where they're going to lay down their roots, you know, because I think it is sort of human nature to want to, you know, be near your family, especially when you have kids and kind of enjoy that bond and the help that comes with having grandparents. A side note, I read this interesting research study about grandmothers or like a wasn't really, I don't know if.

it was a research study, but it was basically like a dive into, like, why do women live so, basically, why do women live so long after menopause? I think I heard about this, where it's like most other species, like they die after they stop being able to reproduce, right, except for women and maybe one other animal or something. Like random animal. Yeah. Yeah. So, and so it's interesting because I think there is this like human nature and what, you know,

the theory is is that, you know, men can father children almost their whole lives. Women at some point, you know, stop being able to reproduce, but they live like almost as long or longer after their reproductive years as they do beforehand. And the theory is it's so that they can be grandmothers and that they can help their children, you know, raise their children. And so it's like a survival thing. Adaptive. In the human species, it's like adaptive.

So I do think that there's a part of this that is just like that instinctual drive to kind of have your children be near their grandparents. But it is really tough. I think the thing that sticks out for me here and what I worked on in terms of writing an intention for her was her guilt about being selfish. You know, and what I could say is if you were selfish, you wouldn't even be writing this email. You wouldn't even be thinking about this. there's many people out there listening right now that live far away from their parents and they're totally fine with it.

They visit when they can. They send picks. They face time. They want to live their life where they want to live their life and they have no problem with it. So the fact that you're even worrying about this, I think can give you a little bit of grace and peace

and knowing that you're not that selfish because you even care at all. Right. It's something that you think about. Totally. like a lot, it sounds like. And the fact that you just blanket say your parents are just not moving to live by you. Right. What about them? Right. Why don't they feel guilty? Exactly. I wonder if she, you know, brought that conversation up. I mean, it sounds like she just knows that it's not going to happen.

And probably because they have this whole community there, they're settled there. This is what, where they want to live their life. And that's okay for them. And I think it's also okay for you. So you're fighting against these two things. You know, she's fighting against the guilt and she's fighting against, I think, just her desire to have that closeness with her parents. I also wonder, and she doesn't say this, I wonder if it's like a little bit of like a lifestyle guilt because she says that her parents live in like the small community, right? They still have in a small isolated religious community and she lives. She says 21 hours away by car. There's They're doing a lot of driving in this family.

Yeah, which I wonder, and I think a lot of, I've seen a lot of people deal with this kind of thing. If it's not just about the distance physically, but maybe it's also about the distance in like lifestyle. Right. And like I live this totally different lifestyle than I did when I grew up. And there's a little bit of guilt of like, oh, I'm like, I moved away and I think I'm too good for it.

Right. Right, right, right. I could see that, especially, you know, I'm sure the religious piece, I'm sure is a piece, if they're very dedicated to this religion, to the point where they're living in this isolated community, she's not only leaving her parents, but she's leaving that whole, you know, that whole religion and that whole community. And maybe she feels, it's a good point. And this, we can incorporate this into the intention that she's guilty somehow for just like abandoning them in general, more so than just in

physical proximity. I wrote two intentions for this listener. And this one, what you bring up kind of is in line with the second one, which is, you know, the intention is I will lean into my desire for emotional closeness even while living far away. So kind of like allowing in this idea that I can lean in, I can be close, I can be connected, I can, maybe she wants to incorporate some of the religion into her children's lives. or into her life with her husband or, you know, maybe she wants to just lean in a little bit more emotionally so she can still feel connected and bonded to her family without necessarily needing to be physically present in order for that to happen. And some people, that is difficult

because depending on how you connect, it might not be verbally, you know, through like phone conversations or, you know, that type of thing. It might be more physical touch or it might be more, you know, just sitting like you said in the same room together and doing nothing together. But there are a lot of ways that she can lean into emotional closeness with her family and not feel like she's abandoning them without necessarily being close in physical proximity. I like that. And then can you repeat the... So the intention I wrote is, I will lean into my desire for emotional closeness even while living far away.

I like that. So if she's feeling happy and then suddenly she feels a little whinge of guilt or like sadness, she could use that to propel her to define closeness in other ways for them. Exactly. She can write a nice card. She can call them. She can plan a visit, you know? Whatever it is, you can definitely like maintain that bond.

And if the religion is an aspect that you're feeling badly about, maybe that might be a way that you can do one of your religious traditions and FaceTime your parents while you're doing it or ask them for help and executing it. Exactly. Making this recipe from home can you help me? Totally. I think there are ways that you can maintain that closeness. And then the other one, which is the more obvious one.

And like I started off saying that I do not think you're being selfish, but you have to believe that you're not being selfish. So just an intention to let go of your fears that you're selfish. because I don't think you are, but I think you have to create an intention in your mind that you are going to let go of that fear, that you're being selfish by living your life in the city of your choice. Great. Good luck.

I really do hope that it helps that there's a way to stay close without necessarily changing your whole life. You triggered. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. Love the podcast and the topics that you cover. I have a triggered scenario about everyone's favorite overhyped, holiday, New Year's. My partner and I have been dating for a little over a year and plan to spend the rest of our lives together. My best friends and I want to go visit our other friend who lives

abroad temporarily. Based on vacation schedules, the only time we could go and the next year would be post-Christmas, which would mean I would be away for New Year's. This will be my second New Year's with my partner, and I feel guilty for leaving him. But I also really want to be with my friends and feel like I would be missing out if I don't go. I already feel that since I've had a boyfriend, I've been a little less involved with my friends and feel guilty. My partner and I had a long talk about the trip. He said that while he would be a little upset, he also understands that I may not have this opportunity with my friends again and thinks I should go. As of now, I'm planning on going, but I change my mind pretty much every day. Part of me feels that since we plan to spend the rest

of our lives together, there will be other New Year's that we spend together, and this is just one of many. But he also told me that New Year's means a lot to him more than Valentine's Day or other holidays. But go. Go. I'll just be crying by myself under the covers. I've invited him to come on the trip with us, but he doesn't think he can swing it financially, so that's not an option. Is my going to London with my friends rather than staying with him over New Year's triggering? Would love your thoughts, sincerely, it's me. I'm the problem. So, I guess the question is, should it be triggering for him on the scale of 1 to 10? Right.

What do you think? I think in a, if you're in a pure, healthy relationship, shouldn't be that triggering. I could see it being like he said, like maybe a little upsetting. I think it's weird that he's like, New Year's means so much to me more than Valentine's Day or any other holiday. Like to me, that's sort of like trying to make her feel guilty without like explicitly saying don't go. Right. It's like, I think you should go, but just know that New Year's means more to me. It's also like so weird, like why? Right. It's just like a. Yeah, I think it's a creation in his mind. I guess it's like romantic. Yeah. Look, I do think if you said, if it was like family feud and they said, name the top holiday that you spend with your romantic partner. Probably be like Valentine's Day and New Year's. Probably. So I get it. But I think she should go. I think A, he, told her she should go, so she should go. Yeah. And I think whatever the meaning is that he has behind this one date on the calendar, they can find another way to realize that, you know,

connection or meaningfulness or whatever it is that that date signifies. I think they can find a way to do it on a different date. If this trip really only happens, and I do, you know, I hear this a lot. I'm sure that you probably experienced this maybe more so when you were younger, but even now, it's an issue that a lot of people really end up losing, they're so concerned, which is great, about caretaking their partner's feelings and not wanting them to feel left out and not wanting them to feel like their second choice. But it's really important to maintain your friendships. And part of that is going on girls' trips together or guys' trips together or spending like quality time with your girlfriends versus just like, we have a dinner and then we go home.

Right. Yeah, I totally agree with that. I think it's very important to have a very balanced life with all sorts of different relationships so that, which is good for your primary relationship because it doesn't, then it doesn't make it so that every, you get every single thing from just that person. You can get it from a bunch of different people. And like she said, if they plan on being together, it's like, okay, would it be triggering if next year she planned a trip for this weekend too? Yes. Like, maybe. Right. Like, yeah. one time I don't think is triggering she had this plan already with her friends. I think it would be weird not to go. And especially like, again, I think that it's important to maintain those relationships. Next year, you can make it a priority to be home for that date. Right. I think that would be good enough. Yeah, totally.

I think if this is the only time that all your friends can go and it sounds like they're going with or without you. So I think if you flip it and you play the other screen, which is her telling them, like, I can't go because I don't want to leave so-and-so on New Year's Eve. It sounds a little bit like you're really not putting effort into this friendship or that your partner's not supportive of your friendships if this is really the only time that they can do this trip. And I think whatever it was that they would do on New Year's Eve, they could do when she gets back.

If it's like setting, you know, New Year's resolutions together or like having a celebration of a new year, it doesn't matter if it's on December 31st or if it's on January 3rd. Yeah. Call them at midnight. Call it a day. Definitely call them at midnight. And I do think it would be nice, a nice gesture to say, let's do a new year's celebration when I get back and we can sit down and kind of do whatever we would do on new years,

talk about our future, talk about our past, you know, bring in a new year together, which doesn't have to be exactly 365 days. It could be 362 days and, you know, have the same meaning. I agree. I would give this like, if it happened to me, the second year we're dating, he goes away with his friends on New Year's, I'd give it a four. I could still think of, it could be upsetting. Yeah, I might give it even a little bit higher. Like, I could understand if this is meaningful to him and he's going to miss her and maybe everyone else is going to be with their significant. I could, I could even say that he might feel like this is a six, but I still think she should go. Right.

Regardless of it being upsetting to him. Yeah, I think it's maybe fine. I'll bump it up to a five. If she did it next year, I would give it a seven. Right. Right. Totally. Ask the girls.

And you could tell your girlfriends, like, you know, this is what I felt about it. I felt a little bit guilty. I'm really happy to be here. But if we do this again, let's kind of plan a weekend in advance that works for everybody. Right. Okay. Let's do one more. Okay, let's do it. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi.

Thank you for what you do with oversharing. I have a triggered scenario for you and I need your wise words to feel less embarrassed. Today I was texting my sister and out of the blue, she asks, have you ever sent nudes? To which I respond. Yeah, every now and then, but nothing too scandalous. She proceeds to tell me that our mom found some photos of me from a boudoir shoot a couple years back. I had taken these photos with a professional photographer for a long-distance boyfriend. For context, most of the photos are of me on a bed, in lingerie, and different poses.

I knew they were tucked away in a book I had left at home in a box of stuff, which means my mom was snooping through my things and found the photos. I'm a 28-year-old woman and shouldn't be afraid to know my mother knows I have a sex life, but knowing that she knows makes me very uncomfy. My mom approached my sister and not me about these photos because she didn't want me to feel embarrassed. and asked my sister if I saw, that is that clearly backfired. Right. And asked my sister if I sold the photos for money online. Well,

geez. I wish I was that crafty. My sister only told me because she'd want to know if she were in my situation and I'm glad she did. So I have peace of mind that the photos were at least somewhat classy. Anyway,

how triggered should I be that my mom snoop through my things and found my news? Best bedside myself. Got a good, uh, Outro. I love the outro.

People are very creative. Very clever. Double whammy here. Yeah, this is not good. I mean, this is not good in the sense that why was her mom going through her stuff to the point where she's flipping through the pages in a book and finding these photos? That's triggering. In the room, yeah. Like what else could she have been looking for?

Yeah. Deep snooping. So her mother kind of got what she manifested there, I guess. Lesson learned. I'd be annoyed threefold. I'd be annoyed that my mom was looking through my stuff. I'd be annoyed that she saw these pictures. And I'd be annoyed that she then told more people about them.

And then asked if she was selling them online for money. Well, that was probably like a big fear of hers. That almost to me is like, okay, she sees them. Her immediate dark thought is that like she's, you know, involved in some like nude photo operation online. Which again, even if that was the, there's only fans now. There's a lot of people who do that, not to shame anyone who does that. But I can see why that would be a little shocking to one's mom.

Right. So yeah. Okay, we agree this is triggering. What should she address it? Does she talk to her mom about it? I think, yes. I would give this like an eight or a nine on the triggered scale, just for all the reasons listed. I would definitely say something to my mom.

I'd say, hey, I heard you've been. on my pictures. I would explain what they were. Right. And then I'd say like I actually like it's pretty upsetting to me that you, one, that you would go through my things. And then again, if you saw something that was private to either, and you were concerned to not either ask me directly, but then tell other people about something that's clearly

very private is like upsetting to me. Totally. And you know what? I think it can empower her that. there was nothing wrong with what she did. You know, she, it's her body. She wanted to capture it in a way that made her feel beautiful and sexy and was kind of like feeding some fuel into her long distance relationship, all things which I think

are great and healthy and she did nothing wrong here. So maybe in confronting her mother about this, she can take back, you know, some of her power and saying, like, this is something I did. I'm not ashamed about it. But if I did want you to see them, I would have framed them and put them over the mantle. Right. It would have been my Christmas card.

Right. I put them in a book in a box, tucked away. So it wasn't for your eyes, but I don't feel badly about doing it. And maybe that's the silver lining here. You know, maybe there's a piece of this that's kind of like, you know,

I don't know if she ever felt bad. about it, but this is a way for her to kind of have this conversation and own her sexiness in those photos and her decision to do that. Yeah. And then now you know don't leave anything in your mom's house. Nothing. Get the whole box. Get rid of it. And that is the lesson. Don't leave anything there. You're 28. Get a storage unit. Yes. I mean, I wouldn't. I've learned that the hard way from leaving anything in, ever. Yeah. Mom has very little respect for privacy. she once said, I don't believe in privacy. Be like, mom, why did you check?

Why did you open all my mail? It's our mail. Oh, gosh. But, yeah, go get the rest of your stuff. Yeah. Point taken. Now you know. Yeah.

Now you know, you can't do that. But yeah, have that conversation. And I think it might end up, not that you want to make your mom feel bad, but it might end up making her feel a little embarrassed that she, you know, once you tell her the story that this was like, I'm in a relationship, I took photos, I felt sexy, I wanted to send it to him. I'm not embarrassed of it, but it really wasn't for you, then she might end up, maybe she'll learn a lesson not to snoop through people's things. Yeah. What is the phrase, curiosity killed the cat?

Yeah. Yep. That fits here. That's very funny. All right. Well, that's it for this year of the oversharing podcast. It's been such a great year. We launched this show in May. It's been incredible. Thank you to all the listeners who have grown the show to what it is right now. It's doing far better than we had even hoped for. And we're really excited for what's to come in 2023. And if you're listening and you love the show, give it a five-star review on Apple or Spotify and write in a little nice review. We love reading those. All right. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales-Picco, and Rebecca Salis MacKhan. Editing by Veslio Pores.

Guest booking by Alley Friedlander. Send your advice emails to Oversharing at Betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.