Oversharing - Can I Text An Ex Without Crossing The Line?

Episode Date: December 24, 2024

This week, Jordana and Dr. Naomi share their Christmas and Hanukkah traditions. Dr. Naomi explains Netflix’s The Ultimatum to Jordana, and they discuss the “social experiment” model of reality TV dating shows. Then, they announce some exciting updates to the Oversharing: Calm TF Down subscription, coming in mid-January. Our Overshare comes from a Betch who feels like her therapist is giving her permission to give into bad habits. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a happily partnered listener who wonders if there’s a way to catch up with male friends from her past without any accidental romantic overtones. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for mourning the loss of a loved one during the holidays. And we’re feeling triggered by parents who don’t think we’re funny, and aunts who play favorites on Christmas cards. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. Merry Christmas Eve to anyone listening who celebrates.

I will be celebrating even though we are Jewish. You get the best of those worlds now. That's amazing. That's one way to put it. Yeah. No, it's really, it's a really fun time of year. I like it. You know, it's so funny, it's like we don't have a tradition.

So every year we're kind of trying to figure out like where to land. I think we're actually going to go to Josh's and do a little Hanukkah party thing. But Jeff kind of threw up. Yeah, exactly. Jeff kind of grew up half sort of celebrating Christmas Eve because he worked in a business that one of the only days they were off was like Christmas Eve and Christmas. So they ended up and it was a family business. So they were one of them was always there. So it was the only day that their whole family had off. So they ended up kind of just celebrating Christmas Eve without actually celebrating, you know, being Christian. So they they have some fun. food-oriented traditions around all that, like cooking a big meal and fireplace and all the good stuff. So yeah, happy holidays, Merry Christmas, everyone is celebrating. This is a good day. Hopefully most people are off. I know there are people that are working. So thank you people out there. Appreciate y'all. And I hope you have some time to celebrate. For sure. And how was everything

with you? How was your week? Happy birthday to my cutie. nephew Brooks. Yeah. How does it feel? He's seven. I feel like that's like big, you know, like my littlest kid is not, he's like fully a big kid kind of. Seven's like, I feel like six and seven is kind of the difference between like,

you know, 26 and 27, you know, like 27, you're like inching towards 30 and seven. You're kind of like inching towards 10. It feels like you've like passed a little milestone there. So yeah, he's a cute. He's a real man. He's a real man. I wanted to get your take. I was thinking about this. I took a peek at this show called The Ultimatum. Have you heard of this show? I've heard of it. I haven't watched it. What is the premise? It's a pretty fascinating social experiment couple-wise. The premise is just as it sounds. It's basically like, I don't know how many, maybe six or seven couples where one of the people in the couple has issued a marriage ultimatum. and they basically come on the show for however many weeks, eight weeks maybe to ultimately push the needle on their relationship. But they do it in the most twisted way, which you could probably imagine.

Right. Because I'm thinking, why do you need to be on a show to issue an ultimatum? Ultimatom are free and easy. Exactly. So the twisted part of it is that they have these seven couples and then they basically break up like the day after they get there. They like have a trial breakup. But while they're broken up, all the couples are broken up. So then they all go into this free mixing mingle pool. And they pair up with somebody new. And then they base, I don't know if they move in with them or they

like, whatever, date them, have a trial marriage, something with this brand new person for a certain number of weeks. And then they come back together at the end. And I think maybe live together or have a trial marriage with each other. And then at the end of the whole thing, they decide if they want to get married. So I just find it so fascinating because it's like taking this stuck stagnant thing. Right. I mean, most people are stuck for a long time before they get to ultimatum point. Right. And they inject a little bit of. And this is why I love it because it's like there is probably a physiological activation that happens, one, from seeing your partner dating and flirting with other people that's going to

push the needle. And then two, you potentially meeting and dating someone new and attractive that's going to push the needle. So they kind of like swarm you with all of this new, you know, hormonal, chemical. juice to make you kind of get off the ledge. It sort of seems like they're giving you a chance to have like an affair before you decide if you want to be with one person for the rest of your life. Yeah, that does sound kind of like what it is.

And I think in some ways, I don't think it's a solve, but I think it makes for a change and some really juicy TV. But it definitely is going to push you out of your stagnant state, whether it's like, I have an affair with this person and I realize that like I could have feelings for someone else or this person, you know, like I could fall in love with someone else so it gives you the courage to maybe leave or seeing your partner because they do, I don't know if they do the whole thing in front of each other, but they do the beginning flirtation, you know, dating part right in front of each other. Right. I mean, here's the thing with that,

that seems like an interesting social experiment great for TV. And to me, in order to like decide if this thing makes you want to leave your relationship, you should have to be in it for like two and a half years. Yes, exactly. Because like everything that's, you know what I mean? Like everything that's fresh and new, it's almost like we were talking about with a therapy discussion last week. Like anything that's fresh and new kind of feels really good like at first because everyone's on their best behavior and like everyone's like so sexy and new and you haven't like been with them before but um that's not like a to me it's not like a one to one comparison of like this person versus that person you do couples therapy so i'm sure you see affairs all the time and i'm sure

you would know this more than anyone is like you know i'm sure a lot most of the time when someone leaves their spouse or their boyfriend for their mistress it doesn't it's not exactly as exciting as it was when it was like elicit. Yes. I always say expectations kill the honeymoon period. Like once you start to have expectations of what you, what you think that person should be doing, how you think they should be acting. And those expectations just grow and grow and grow the longer you're together. We're like the first time, you know, if you're just like in a flirtation with someone and they bring you a coffee, you're like, oh my God, this is so exciting.

Like he thought of me, he brought me a coffee. and then once you're married for 16 years, you're like, the coffee's too strong. I didn't really ask for creamer. Like, you should know what I know, how I like it. And now it's like, what is wrong with you? Right.

So I do think the more expectations you grow. So in the beginning, there's like no expectation from this person and any evidence that they are even interested in you is amazing. So my prediction is, I don't know that much about the show. My prediction is it's probably not going to end up in a lot of, like pairs.

I don't think anyone that, you know, like I don't think these are going to end up in long-term marriages, the new ones that are forming here. But I do think it can help just kind of get somebody off the ledge and just push the thing one way or the other. So I just thought it was really like you're doubling down on all the things that create so much physiological change. And then it just like shakes,

everything up. So I don't know. I'm curious. I didn't, I watched like half an episode the other day when I was at the gym. So I'm curious to see how it comes out. Yeah. I mean, I think it's interesting this concept of like you're putting the relationship in danger. Does that make you want it more? Yes. Or and then combined with, but you also have this brand new like and everyone on the show is super attractive, obviously. So right. You have this brand new super attractive person that's showing you interest. And then you have that side of like, hey, if this person doesn't want to commit to me, maybe this other person will. So like gives you the person who's issuing the ultimatum a little bit more power of like, oh, wow, someone does. And then it's the dynamic of like, do the ultimatum givers match up with

another ultimatum giver? Or do the ultimatum receivers match up with ultimatum receivers? It's, yeah, I would say the nature of just self-selecting into the show is probably not good for anyone a good sign for anyone's level of commitment or relationship long, like imagine your partner and just like, I have an idea.

Let's go on a show and decide the fate of our relationship. Right. Anyway, interesting stuff. I like it. Well, we can get into our show,

but before we do, I just want to discuss our new subscription offering. I know we've been kind of talking about this for a while, teasing it for a while. So basically, we are changing the subscription offering or making it, in my opinion, potentially better. If you like the meditations that we've been offering, all the ones we've already done are still going to be, like, available to listen to.

If you're a subscriber, we're not deleting those, those will still be available, but we're not going to be doing any new ones in 2025. Instead, we're going to be bringing you two bonus content episodes a month. One is going to be with an actual live person. We're going to be having a little, like, friendship session where we give advice to an actual listener who's been, who's written in before. We're going to do some follow-ups and get into some stuff. So I'm really excited about that. And the second one is going to be, you know, something else, whether it's an email,

whether it's responses to your feedback. We're going to have a lot of fun with that second episode. And as always, add free. And we're also adding a day early. So if you want to listen to this episode on Mondays instead of Tuesdays, you'll also get that benefit from us. And this will be launching in mid-January. I am so excited for this. I'm especially excited to talk to some of our listeners and just get to hear what's going on with you guys and really have those moments where we can connect. So I'm really super excited about this. We have some really fun stuff up our sleeves. And yeah, I hope that you guys subscribe to hear all the extra content. And yeah, and if you're

interested in talking to us, if you have written in and you have a follow up and you would like to chat with us about it, definitely please reach out, email us at oversharing at betches.com. Yes, please do oversharingabetches.com. just write that you want to come on or you have an email that you'd like to talk about. Maybe behind the paywall. Maybe it's a little more intimate. You don't want it on the general episode that anyone can listen to. We're also going to be sharing a special celebrity reaction to one of our emails or one of our

responses. A very enraged public figure has some thoughts on our Taylor Swift debacle. Yes. Oh, that was fun. I can't wait for everyone to hear that. And yeah, the Taylor Swift thing just keeps tweaking people, one way or the other. Either like shut up already about Taylor Swift or like, you know, save the seats. Right.

Well, the tour is over. The tour is over. So I assume this era in American history, you know, we'll be moving on until her next tour. So, yeah, we'll be sharing some fun listener feedback on these bonus episodes. So subscribe or wherever you can if you're interested in that. And if you're not, just don't tell us. But you're going to be missing out. And Naomi, you also have your groups.

Do you have any openings in these groups for 2025? What a great way to sort of like step your foot into therapy to join one of your therapy groups. Totally. I have room in my groups. You can find out what exactly you're getting yourself into at Naomi Bernstein.com. But yeah, New Year's is a great time when you're just kind of reflective. and, you know, trying to figure out how to improve yourself and your level of happiness and just peace in the new year. So so many reasons why group is amazing, but you can read all about it on my

website. But yeah, and then we get to, then I get to meet you guys as well. So I really, one thing I was thinking, and I don't love to necessarily read, you know, the reviews can be sticky and sometimes it's hard to get negative feedback, but the truth of the matter is, I love engaging with the listeners. So if I get to see you in one of my groups and we get to connect and find out what's going on for you

and kind of help you that way. And it really is interesting because I know that Spotify now, again, has ways for listeners to interact with us, which I love. Tell us what you think. I think those comments. Yeah.

I love comments. I love comments. Also, if you like this show, leave us a review on Spotify. Spotify or Apple. We always love to hear what you guys are thinking. Leave us five stars too. And we especially love to hear those. Yes. All right. Let's get into our emails. You ready? Let's do it. And if you want to email us oversharing at Betches.com and if you want to leave us a voicemail, 64636362-994. All right. I'll read our first overshare. Hi, Dr. Ghanot and Dr. Naomi.

I love you guys and get so much out of this podcast, even when we disagree. But I am on your side about the Taylor Swift contest tickets, oh, well, love it. Very divided. A country divided. I'm writing into you after a failed attempt at therapy. I shouldn't say failed, but I went in looking for some tough love, guidance, motivation, and help setting an aspirational plan, but what I got was permission to continue my bad habits. I was left so unsatisfied, but I did wonder, is there a point where trying to be someone else

is just going to make you miserable? Was my therapist right and I should just focus on acceptance and choose to love myself? bad habits and all despite my desire to be different. Background. On 33, I work full time from home and I have a wonderful one-year-old son. My husband is very hands-on and helpful. I have a caretaker for my son in my home during the day while I work, and I know I'm very lucky to have that.

That being said, I'm struggling to do basic things. I'm in my pajamas till noon. I can't keep my house clean. I haven't worked out since my son was born. Somehow I feel like I'm always behind. And although my job is very demanding, I often work for hours after my son is in bed. I know that other people are just as busy, yet they work out, dress their kids in keep clothes,

wash their hair daily, and drive themselves to work by 8 a.m. My husband's cousin is pregnant with her fourth. All her kids are always dressed adorably, and they all have perfect manners. She's a size two with a six-pack. It's crushing it at her company, is involved in charity and often host parties and holidays. Wow, very annoying. I feel like if she can try less. If she can do all of that, what the hell is wrong with me?

I do struggle with depression and I had to wean off antidepressants a few months ago as I try to get pregnant again. I know there's mixed thoughts on this, doctor's advice. I booked an appointment with my therapist to help me deal with my depression in non-medical ways. I also told her that I wanted to demand a little more for myself and wanted to help motivating myself to be less lazy and more organized. However, all I got was advice to give myself permission to be how I am and to accept myself. For example, I told her I went several days without showering. Gross. know. And she said, I call those unnecessary showers. I told her I want to start working out or making a consistent routine, and she didn't even acknowledge that working out would help my depression.

Instead, her attitude was more, who has time to work out? You have a lot going on. Give yourself permission to do less. She said, life is hard, but with some moments of joy sprinkled in, which also really didn't help the depression, L.O.L. I left feeling defeated. I know she's a therapist, not some life coach, but I still felt like there was room for her to provide me with motivation and tools to push myself to be better. Am I wrong for expecting that for my therapist? Am I wrong to expect change out of myself right now? Should I accept that I'm just not an organized person

and allow myself my depressive tendencies or is there room for personal growth in this busy time of life? Any advice would be appreciated. A bet you needs to get her shit together. Yeah, this is an interesting conversation about like how to push yourself and also be kind and accepting of yourself, which I think is a hard balance. Yeah.

I was thinking about that as I read this email. It's like, where is the line between self-acceptance and, like you said, personal growth or like self-impro? At what point should you accept yourself the way you are versus should be always be trying to get better? And I mean, in this example, like I do kind of agree with therapists in a lot of ways,

at least on a practical level of like nothing she's saying sounds like it's a major issue. It sounds like everything's getting, like, done, and she's generally really high functioning. So as, like, in a friend level, like, if my friend told me this, I would say the same thing. I think I would say, like, give yourself a break. Like, your cousin, your husband's cousin sounds, like, annoying and dry hard.

And, like, that's not realistic. And, like, you don't really, no one needs to, that's, you don't know what other shit she has going on. It's not that big of a deal. But on the other hand, like, I also maybe have those tendencies in some ways too where it's like I don't want to I want to like feel better in my body or I want to be the kind of person who's organized and works out every day and has time for all these things. So what do you think in a clinical way? Yeah. I mean it does sound she was on an

antidepressant before she has a one-year-old. It does sound like there's a little, there's some mild depression here, which the way that I would look at it is kind of making the distinction between being kind to yourself in your thoughts and then being kind to yourself by like allowing yourself to be sedentary. You know, like I don't, it sounds like she's aware that there's a problem with like motivation, getting up and doing things, whether it's working out or getting dressed or getting in the shower. Like these are things that she's identifying that she thinks are not, I don't know,

they just feel like a little bit like she's low energy. And I think she would like to feel probably a little bit more high energy. Does she need to be, again, interesting that she's pointing out probably the most productive human that she has encountered in the last like 10 years of her life as an example.

Right. And I get that because that's like, okay, it's possible. It's not like no one can do this. And I understand why you'd see that and you'd be like, all right, this is a person. I know they're not like a celebrity. Like I know their circumstances. I know what their deal is. And like, yeah, it's doable. So like the fact that you see someone normal where that's doing that, it feels like, okay, like if I wanted to do this enough, I could do it because here's an example of someone doing it. Yeah. Totally. And look, I think does she need to be at that level?

maybe not, but I think she can do it too. I think she can do some more than what she's doing. And I do think that if she's going into it feeling like this is what I would like, these are goals that I would like to set for myself. She can still be very kind and accepting in her thoughts, in her own internal monologue of not beating herself up. Because a lot of times people end up feeling like, if I'm mean to myself in my mind, then I will like activate myself to do. something about it. Like if I tell, like almost have this, get up, you're lazy, or what's the matter with you or like even around weight and body image?

Like sometimes there's this cycle of like, I feel like if I'm kind to myself, I'll stop trying. But I would encourage her and anyone out there who's listening that being kind to yourself in your own thoughts is only going to help you find the energy to actually do the things that you want to do. I don't think you need to be whipping yourself mentally in order to get yourself going, especially if you're in a depression spiral. Because if you're in a depression spiral where it's like you're thinking negative things about yourself, that's making you feel sad. That's like just a constant like idling of your emotional energy and your mind and it zaps all your energy, then you don't have energy to do the things you want to do. Like wake up and take a shower and get

and go to the gym. And then you feel bad that you're not waking up and getting dressed and going to the shower, you know, take all those things. And then the cycle starts over again. So I think sometimes we have this false feeling that we need to be mean to ourselves mentally in order to keep ourselves motivated. But now she's like dug this hole so deep that she can't get out of it. So I do agree with the therapist that she needs to be kind to herself noticing her own self-talk. And this is what CBT is. Have you heard of CBT? Yeah. Cognitive behavioral therapy. Yeah. So that's kind of the basis of it is like you have to check your thought process, but the behavioral part of cognitive behavioral therapy, and this is

one of the most research proven best treatments for depression because you're addressing the part how you talk to yourself, but then you're also addressing the behaviors, which I think is important. exercise in some studies is as effective at treating depression as antidepressants. So I think that that is a really important part. The other thing is like when you're up and you're active and you're focused on like a goal of moving your body, you have less time to sit and just ruminate about all the things that are wrong with your life or all the things you're not doing. And even though I get it, it feels like the last thing you want to do when you're low

energy and you're kind of depressed and you're tired is get up and do that. But it's, it might not help that first day, might not even help that first week, but eventually if you keep doing it, I think getting up and being active is an important part of depression recovery. Right. So do you think this therapist like kind of sucks or should she say something or what's like? Like I mean, good. Because I understand her being like the therapist to the therapist like you telling me I'm doing isn't particularly helpful if I don't think I'm doing fine. And maybe like from a friend who I'm not paying, I'd feel a little bit better about that.

But like I don't know, do you think that she should say something to the therapist? Totally. I think she should. I think, you know, just kind of sometimes, and I do this with patients a lot, it's like, we'll just revisit goals. So maybe the goal the therapist had for her in the beginning was like,

let's just get you kind of thinking more, like not beating yourself up so much. So maybe it's like phase one was like, let's just work on you not beating yourself up mentally about all the things you're not doing. Like you're a mom, you're working late into the night. Like you're probably doing a lot. So let's just start with that, being kind to yourself. But I do think part of it and she could go to the therapist and say, my goals are.

And then she has to figure out what does she want? You know, does she want to start working out again? Does she want to make a goal that like I get dressed every morning and, you know, get out the door, do something by 9 a.m. or like, you know, that might be helpful for her. I do think if she's coming in and saying, these are my goals, and then the therapist saying, like, I don't like those goals, like, you should have different goals. That's, it's your therapy session and it's, those are your goals. So, but I don't think she would do that. I think if you reiterate it, like, this is what I would like to get out of this. Um, I think she'll come around.

She probably just know, I'm assuming she noticed a pattern of like really negative self-talk that she was probably trying to address first. Because nobody wants to hear either. And you go to a therapist kind of like, all right, here we go. Here's your exercise routine. Like what do you know, kind of like you might not be there. Right. Right. I guess that's like sort of the line the therapist has to tell us to like also both like do what's best for you but also not knowing like what you're actually looking for.

Because someone might say also, I'm looking, you know, I feel horrible that I don't work out and do these things. Like, and some people might be looking for like, here's how you should look, work out. And some people might be looking for validation of you're doing the best you can or whatever it is. And some people, I mean, I think speaking for myself, I kind of want both on depending on what mood I'm in. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, if I, like, I'm here now, I'm talking to you.

I would set very small achievable goals. Like just to, even if the goal is like when you're, when you first wake up in the morning, lying in your bed, just bicycle your legs for two minutes. You could do that. Just to pick something, you're like laying on your back. You don't even have to get up out of the bed. You're just going to pick a small goal. And then, you know, maybe you extend it to five minutes.

then maybe you say, okay, I'm going to get up and I'm going to do one sun salutation, you know, like a yoga sequence. And then, you know, just kind of push little by little. I think for the, the sticky part is if you are depressed and you're very low energy to go from like I, you know, I don't even change out of my pajamas to like I'm going to go to the gym for an hour three times a week feels like impossible. So, you know, you could spend the next three months thinking that's impossible or you could spend the next three months looking ridiculous doing the bicycle in your bed in the morning for two minutes. And what about the other part of this that she also mentioned, like the medication clinical part of it? Like, how does that play in do things to all of it?

Yeah. I mean, this is a tough spot. I think a lot of people who are trying to become moms or who are moms have this issue of like, you've found a good rhythm with an antidepressant. And then you want to become pregnant or you are pregnant or whatever. And you have to take, it's like you get the rug pulled out from under you while potentially having like postpartum anxiety or depression. So I really validate that this is hard when you've found an antidepressant that works and it feels good and then all of a sudden you can't take it anymore

and you're having all these life changes at the same time. Right. I also about just speaking from friends of mine who have been on antidepressants and had babies, pretty much all of them that I know who have been on them have stayed on them throughout their pregnancies. And their children are very beautiful and healthy. So if that is, I know I don't, I know there's like different schools of thought on that. But I think nowadays there has been a lot more studies about how like you actually can stay on with like obviously under the supervision of like a light. and psychiatrist of those things. But that is another option for her, again, that I've anecdotally heard of many, many people doing and having healthy pregnancies. Totally, totally. So, you know, I'm glad that you mentioned that,

but you have to make the choice that's right for you, that you discuss with your doctor. But I do, you know, I think that it is, if you are going to make the choice to come off, which it sounds like she did, that it, you have to replace it with something. And exercise, I do think, is a really important part of this in addition to just like finding a time to get out of your head to like create some distance between your thoughts. Because it sounds like you're probably either being a mom working or in your downtime maybe thinking about how you're not doing enough.

So exercising or doing even an activity, something, you know, playing pickleball or, you know, taking a yoga class or just walking and listening to a funny podcast. or us or whatever is something that you can do that's going to create a little distance between you just sitting and kind of ruminating in your head. So I like this question. It is hard. The summation of my answer would be, yes, be kind to yourself in terms of your mental, the way that you're talking to yourself, like noticing that and be really kind and accepting and nurturing in your mind. But also, you have to be really kind. to get up and move your body. That is an important part of treatment for depression. It's very hard to really get better from depression if you're not somewhat active. If you're very sedentary

and low energy, it's going to keep cycling in on itself. Right. I think that's great advice and good luck and keep us posted. Let us know who's advice is helpful. Oh, the other thing, Speaking of the group therapy that I think could be really awesome, like exercise and just connection. So like not feeling so alone in what you're going through. So like, you know, I was talking about my groups earlier. Like if you joined a group therapy, I know it's hard. You have a baby and you're working sounds like full time. So this is something you can do from your house and you can come in and get a new perspective outside.

Like this therapist is kind of like, you're fine. don't worry about it, like no big deal. But when you're in a room with seven or eight other people and you're sharing this and someone else is sharing their experience, it does really make you feel a lot less alone. Like you can have the therapist there that's saying, oh, don't be so hard on yourself. But when you're hearing it from other people that are saying, I've been through that and this is how I got out of it or, you know, just kind of being that supportive community to make you feel less alone, that's an amazing way to kind of pull out of depression too, is just feeling a sense

of community and feeling less alone in it. So hit me up. I'd love to help you. And our community would welcome you with open arms, if that's something you think would help. Love it. Well, yes, check out the groups. And if you can't do that, at least speak to a friend. Yeah. I might be going through something more. Okay. Let's do a betcha'sist. Do you want to read this one? Let's do it.

Okay. Hey, Naomi and Jordana, listen to every episode and look forward to hearing your chats every week. I'm writing in to discuss a social dozy I encounter often around the holidays. In the past month, I've received multiple texts

from old classmates, old flames, et cetera, reaching out to say hello and see how I've been. I've noticed this pattern, particularly this time of year, as a 31-year-old woman and don't know quite what to do with it. Perhaps it's because I'm from a smaller town and moved to a large city in my country. I've been in a happily committed relationship to my loving boyfriend for just over two years. My single self would be happy to banter back and forth with some innocent texting, but the thought of opening the door, as friendly as intentions could be,

to chatting with a man who more than likely has romantic intentions feels like bad news. I've had drunken slip-ups in the past relationships that I've deeply regretted and truly love my boyfriend and wouldn't dream of cheating on him in any way. However, I could see how even humoring these messages and answering back kindly could come off as sketchy in most heteromonogamous relationships. My approach so far has been simply ignoring messages, but I wonder if this is closed off, icy, and presumptuous of their intentions. Should I cast off any old friends simply because they're a man?

I don't want to come off as some frosty betch and would gladly engage in a catch-up if I ran into one of these guys, say, in a hometown bar. Texting feels different, though. I don't like the idea of sneakily texting another guy and not telling my boyfriend, but also probably wouldn't be stoked if he had high school flirts texting back and forth with him either.

It doesn't feel worth it to bring it up or bother with it, so I've simply been ignoring. What do you think, though? What's a gal to do? Sincerely, your buddy from 10th grade, band. Home for the holidays. Yeah.

That was interesting. Part of me was like, oh, it feels obvious, but then when part of me in rereading her email where she talks about like her own slip-ups seemed like maybe she has an interesting relationship with these kinds of texts that maybe like seemed to lead to a weird place. Well, what was your first obvious reaction? My first obvious reaction is just like the end. a remote person. And like, I think if something isn't, doesn't seem that, I think there's like a different, I think there's a line between like a friendly like, how's everything text and a text that is like veering into like very

flirty territory. And I think just having like the knowledge of where that line is is fairly obvious to me, but like maybe not obvious to other people. Like I'm trying to think of myself. I got a text from someone that I went to high school with or that I spoken to every now and then like would I answer it? Yeah, but if they asked me to hang out

when I say yes, no. Like I think it's kind of like knowing where the line between appropriate and inappropriate is and like trusting yourself to know that line. It doesn't seem like she trusts herself.

So I think that's where the difference is. Like I don't think you need to ignore any man who's texts you for the rest of your life. I don't know. What's your take on that? Yeah. Like I definitely agree that I think the issue is that she doesn't trust herself. There is like a very slippery slope, I think, that happened. So I, as much as I agree, she should be able to be like, hey, happy holidays. Like, I hope you're doing great and move on. So I think she's probably nervous about that little step that maybe feels tempting. If he says something nice, I saw that picture you posted, you look really good, or to just resist that and know when to pull out.

So I agree. I think she's having trouble trusting herself. And yeah, I do think in an ideal world, she could keep it short and sweet and maybe not. I think there's also the issue of like when you start asking questions. And then you're like, oh, what are you up to lately? And then they're going back and forth. And then they ask you a question.

And now it's three days later. and like they've answered a question that you asked before. They send you something that had to do with something that now it might not be like you look good, but now it's like a prolonged conversation, even if it doesn't come off as flirtatious right away. Right. Now you have a texting relationship, which is like, I think, different than like an ex texted me. I don't know if she's saying even an ex. It seems like she's saying like a flirtatious.

men in her life or whatever. But yeah, I kind of see what she's saying. Like the kid from high school 10th grade band isn't really reaching out just to be like, really was just curious about how you're doing. Like, I just don't, I think that she's getting the vibe that these guys are reaching out to her with a little bit of a romantic intention. And she's probably not wrong. Sure.

Sure. If this was a good friend, they'd be talking all year. It wouldn't just be this random reach out. I want to see if you're still with your boyfriend maybe or whatever. I don't know what they're looking for. So I think she's getting a vibe that they're not just looking to really see how she's doing. So maybe that's why she's, her dander's going up a little bit and she's nervous about it. So ideally, yeah, just keep it short and sweet. Respond so you're not totally icing them out. But don't ask too many questions and don't lean in if you're, for some reason, you're getting the vibe that they're interested in you romantically still. Right. Yeah.

I mean, okay, so let's play one out here, right? I'm the guy texting you and you do tell me how you would respond. Okay. Hey, Naomi. Actually, I just ran into, I ran into your mom at CBS and the hot of you. It's so funny. Are you guys, are you home for the holidays? Yeah, I'm actually going to be.

How is everything? Sorry, sorry. How is everything? Are you home for the holidays? Yes, home for the holidays. I think it's going to be a great one. Hope everything is well with you. So funny that you saw my mom. Right. I think you could say that and then not answer anything else the person says.

Right. She's not asking a question. She's not opening the dialogue. So funny that you saw my mom, not where did you see my mom? not, you know. What was she wearing? And hope all is well as opposed to how is everything with you? Like I think hope all as well is like a great like I'm not really asking.

I don't want that. And if honestly, I think if this was a guy that there was a totally platonic thing, that there was no flirtation or no old thing, she would, she could ask the questions and lean in if they've never hooked up. I mean, it's an interesting question. Yeah. Like everyone has different feelings about in their relationship, how they feel about rekindling, not rekindling, but like, you know, talking to an ex or someone that you hooked up with.

Yeah, being friends with someone that you potentially had sex with or hooked up with or whatever. And it sounds like she doesn't fully trust herself with that. Fine. Great. Like don't make the same mistake twice. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

I really think that is important in. relationships to know, like, what would bother? Yes. And also, like, what is, what's going to allow someone to take up too much space in your own head? You know, like, if you know you have a coworker that you think is really cute and that you're somehow attracted to, like, maybe don't text them outside of office hours, you know, or maybe don't, like, stand by them at the office happy hour. Like I think you do need to kind, especially if you are a person who's had these slipups in the past,

you do need to kind of put these protections in place because it could be the perfect storm. You have a fight with your boyfriend. You go out. You have this like little bit of a budding friendship that with too much alcohol and a fight with your boyfriend could turn into something that you regret. Right. No, I agree. And I think it's so funny, you said, Hobal as well. is like, all right, that's enough.

I think I've said, I think I've said hope all as well to any X that has like reached out to me that I, but like, it's actually almost better than not answering because it's like, I don't, it's like, I wish you the best. Like I don't, I'm not like mad at you enough to like not answer you. Like, we're cool. But like, I hope all as well, like, get away from me. subtext. Someone hits people with a whole ball as well.

The conversation is over. Yeah. Yes. Totally. There's a difference. And I get that she's what? That's why she's writing in. So that's why you're asking us.

And I do think there's a way, I don't think you need to ignore. I think there's a way to tactfully just kind of handle this. But then maybe we should talk about the idea of like telling the boyfriend, like that these guys are reaching out. Right. I don't think you need to tell the boyfriend unless like you've. I don't know, and I don't, I think if it's an ex that reached out to you, I might mention it to the boyfriend. If it's an old friend that reached out, like someone you went to high school with that reached out to you, I wouldn't, I don't think, and again, and you handled it in the whole ball as well kind of way. I don't think you need to tell someone that I don't think anything has done anything wrong. I don't think I would be mad hearing about someone in that scenario. What about you?

Yeah, I agree. I think if it comes in and it was a guy that you had a flirtation with from 10th grade band and you do the short and sweet, no. But I think probably what she's more concerned about is if it did linger. Like I do think in a couple, if one person in the couple makes a new friend of their sexual orientation, right, that they're potentially romantically interested, if you make a new friend, I think your partner should know about that new friend. Or like if you start...

If you make a new friend, yeah. Or like if you start becoming friendly again with someone that you went to high school with that you haven't spoken to in 10 years, I think that it's just part of saying like, hey, this is something new going on in my life. I mean, she's 31. So there's a kid reaching out to her from high school.

And it's fine. Just the whole like Hope All's Well, so funny you saw my mom. like end it fine. But if it turns into like, oh my gosh, remember this, remember that.

And then two days later, there's like another little something and you're becoming like friendly again. Right. I think it's good to mention. Oh my gosh, this kid from high school, like reached out to me

and we talked about this and that just to kind of be like it's not having such this private life. Like I think if you're on a couple and you're, if you've rekindled with anyone from your past, that's what I was going to say. Yeah.

I think if you ask yourself, like, would I tell this person about it? It's like it was an old female friend that I ran into that I, you know, would I, what I, what I tell them about that? I think if you would tell them about that, then we should tell them about that. Yes. Yes. Agree. And if you would even, which like, again, I could see like, if my old female, if I had a friend from college that I hadn't spoken to a year that texted me and we were like talking, I don't think I necessarily would tell. my husband unless it like came up i wouldn't hide it but i don't think i'd be like unless i like like he if he doesn't know who they are i think that's sort of where the weirdness is yeah maybe but i think there is a level of intimacy like let's say a female let's take

the 10th grade band right if there's a female bandmate and you're heterosexual female and there's a female bandmate that reaches out and says oh my god i saw your mom oh you know hope all as well no right no need to even bring that up. But let's say, wow, what are you up to? Oh, my gosh. Like, I love that band. I went to see them this time. And then two days later, she sends you, like, a concert link that they're going to be in your area.

Right. And, you know, oh, that, you know, whatever. And then at that, you probably be like, oh, Mike, so funny. Like, this girl that I was friends with in band, like, sent me this concert. It's near whatever. It's just like dinner table conversation of, like, what happened to you that day. That's what I'm saying. Like if it would come up, I think, in that way.

But also, I don't know, I'm so unfriendly. I don't think it would. But I would even get that far with someone. Yeah. Yeah. So, look, I get that I see why she's being guarded. But I think you can answer short. But, you know, I like that you're protecting your relationship in this way.

And I think if you know that you struggle with this, sometimes it's not the worst thing to do. Right. If you know you're an unfriendly bitch like me, then you can text away with no thoughts. But, you know, people think that your friendliness is more than your friendliness. It's a different story. Let's move on. Let's do it. I'll read our intentions. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Bernstein. I'm looking for an intention to stop myself from spiraling and to stay positive during the holiday season while mourning the death of a loved one. For background, I 31 female grew up with two older siblings, brother and sister, my mom, single parent. and grandma, my mom's mom. My dad was not in the picture growing up and still isn't to this day. I was raised mostly by my grandma. We call her Gaga. And we had an extremely close relationship.

She passed away on New Year's Eve on 2022 from Alzheimer's disease. I won't get into my feels about it, but I will say that I know everyone experiences the loss of a loved one. However, I'm really struggling with the fact that it's on a day everyone is excited about and looks forward to celebrating. I find myself getting a lot of anxiety leading up to the holidays and start rehearsing made-up conversations in my head so that my future self won't have an emotional reaction or become the Debbie Downer. How can I navigate the water cooler conversations at work or just conversations in general about New Year's? I've tried distracting myself with other holidays happening in the month of December and to focus on all the positive things I have in my life, but I feel myself starting to spiral. Thanks for reading and looking forward to hearing what you two have to say.

cold regards Holly not so jolly. Oh, yeah, this is hard. I think I'm glad she shared the whole dynamic too that I think when you have a single parent and a grandparent, that's almost like a surrogate parent to you. So it might come off as like, oh, you know, my grandma died, which feels like maybe not as intense as like my mom died. Right.

And maybe there's some fear. that like it's not going to be as well received or that people wouldn't be as empathic. But like if this was your basically your other parental figure that helped raise you, I do think that, I mean, not that it matters. It could just be a grandma. But I think as far as what she's thinking, other people are thinking. Right. It's an intense.

And it might be a little loss. And like the label implies. Right. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And I think it's hard when like there's like a, when people have. positive, super positive associations

and something that you don't, you feel maybe even more like isolated or left out because you're like, everyone's like in this great mood or excited about this day and like, I'm actually sitting here having like a shitty time and that makes me feel even worse. Yes. And I think that fear of being the Debbie Downer,

that's hard. And I really, I know it's probably not the easiest advice to take and I'm curious to see if you disagree, but it's kind of like, I don't think it's, I think she should just allow herself to feel however she's feeling. And if New Year's has that forever and ever and always, New Year's is not going to have the same feeling that it did before her grandmother passed away. Like, it's just not. It's always going to have that, that memory attached to it. Do I think she could, you know,

morph it into something that allows her to still enjoy it? Or maybe it is a day that she kind of dedicates to thinking about her grandma, you know, seeing how she can honor her in the year ahead or, you know, creating something positive out of it. But I think it's always going to be there and the idea that she has to try to stuff it down or ignore it or pretend is probably making it that much worse. Right. So I don't think, I mean, it's crazy the way that we talk about death or don't talk about death in our culture. Like it's just is such a taboo topic and makes people so uncomfortable. But that's not, that doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you because you've made somebody else uncomfortable. Like, right. You did anything wrong because you said,

oh, actually, New Year's Eve is a really hard day for me. My grandma passed away a couple years ago on New Year's Eve. So it's just hard for me to even figure out what I want to do. Okay. If that makes someone uncomfortable, that's on them. Or maybe they'll say, yeah, you know what, I feel that way about this day that someone died in my life. Or maybe they'll say, yeah, I kind of don't like New Year's Eve anyway. Or maybe they'll say, oh, I'm sorry, that's really hard. Right. Yeah. I can see that. Maybe, especially one-on-one, I can see saying that. Maybe like it's, I feel like in a group, it would feel stranger or more like intense or more, I don't know, like, again, I don't know how often and people are discussing their New Year's plans

around the water cooler, but maybe they are, I guess at work, you might be like, for someone you're less intimate with that maybe you don't even want to go there with, I guess. So I can see almost wanting to fake it to just get through the conversation, like, oh, I don't know what I'm doing, we'll see.

Yes. So I do think it matters who you're talking to. Like if it's not someone that you feel like you want to connect with. Like I think this is a moment where she should be, it's not only okay that she is, but she should be seeking genuine connection on this day.

So maybe it's not for her to go to like an open bar New Year's Eve party. Maybe she wants to just like have a more intimate gathering with people or stay home. Whatever you, like I, I just think she needs to give herself permission to have her feelings and also tell them to people. maybe not like, you know, the random guy at the water cooler that you don't know that doesn't care about you, that you have no desire to connect with. But I also don't think that you have to be afraid of telling anyone or letting people know. The Debbie Downer thing is more like if you're constantly like bringing, if this was happening like every day, you're bringing up your grief and like, you know, with people at work, that's different than like, your people. And I hope you have people. And I hope you've allowed yourself to grieve this in the way that it deserves to be grieved, which this is heavy. This was like a second mom to you. And even if it was

just your grandma, it would be heavy. So I get it. It's hard. I think it depends on the context and whether or not, if you're trying to connect and you think this is someone that you would like to connect to and not be fake with, then I would just go there. And if it's not someone that you care about connecting with or that you care about like actually knowing you, then you can do the thing that you said. Like, I'm not even sure what I'm doing for years. Yeah. And also if you're just like not in the mood, I think it's. Yeah. But do you have an intention for her to kind of like, it sounds like she gets like a lot of anxiety around having to either like lie or be pretend happy or even talk about this? Yeah. Yeah. So one thing just aside from an actual like intention that she can.

can draw to mind in that moment is like realizing that New Year's Eve is going to forever be different for you. So you should, you know, maybe think of some kind of a ritual that you can do to honor your own feelings and not feel like you have to stuff them down and do the whole, like, get drunk and wear a sparkly dress and like go to a dance party. You know, like that's not what you need anymore or that's not part of it. Or maybe you do some ritual to your grandma earlier in the day, and then you can wear the sparkly dress and go to an open bar. But I think it is important for you to find something that honors the reality of your experience around this day and whatever that might be for you.

And yeah, I'd love to talk more about some options that she can do, you know, depending on what she's looking for in terms of meaning and connecting with her grandma around making it special. But I do think ultimately the intention that I wrote for her is, my grief belongs, I will allow myself to seek connection and self-care when it arises. So if you need to be connected on this day and maybe it's not with the guy at the water cooler, but it should be with somebody that you can say, hey, New Year's is tough for me. Like, I know you guys want to go to this party.

I'm not sure if I'm feeling that. Maybe you want to come by before or maybe you can stop by. I don't know about after. That might not be exactly what I'd be looking for. of it like, you know, just like reaching out to people that you do want to connect with, seeking connection and taking care of yourself. So, I mean, taking that day and doing what you want and it's always going to be changing. So this year, whatever you need, give yourself and maybe next year it'll be different or maybe it'll

be the same, but just allowing yourself to have that process without judgment or fear of being Debbie Downer, if you don't want to go to the party, or you tell someone. one, hey, my grandma died on New Year's. It's hard. This is hard for me. Like, I would definitely tell people that. It doesn't have to be everyone you see, but I think that's an important thing that people know. Yeah. I agree. Yeah, it doesn't have to be like the cashier who says, Happy New Year, but a good friend or other people here. All right. Well, good luck. I think that's great advice. You're on a roll today. Oh, thanks. Let's do some trade. Let's do Triggered. I'll read this. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I was at Jared's special taping in Tarrytown. He was hilarious and I was totally fangirling out seeing you, Jordana and Sammy walk by. Unfortunately, what should have been a really fun night was dampened by a triggering episode of dinner with my parents before the show. I planned this night out for my parents because the show happened to be on my mother's birthday and I grew up in Terrytown. It seemed like the perfect excuse to spend some time back in town and I thought my

parents would enjoy the show. At dinner, I tried explaining what to expect since neither of my parents were familiar with Jared. At one point, I said, you'll like him because he's like me, but a guy, to which my mother responded, but you're not funny. I was taken aback by this. All my close friends and prior romantic partners have always said I'm one of the funniest people they know, and it's kind of a core personality trait that I identify with. That sounds dushy to say, but I am funny. I do tend to make people laugh, something people like about me. I'm nowhere near stand-up level comedic talent, but as far as the average person goes, I'm considered funny. To make matters worse, my mother wouldn't drop it. She said to my father, is she funny? How could she be funny? I don't get it. The fact that my mother

couldn't even envision a world in which anyone finds me funny, it was very hurtful. My father said I was being too sensitive, but I felt like my mother doesn't even know me. I felt very triggered and emotional in the moment and still bothering me. Should I have to just let this go? How triggering was this really? This is so funny because, I mean, you've seen Jared show. Yes. It's about like his parents and them saying triggering things to him. Like a big part of the episode of the set is about that. So it is kind of ironic and funny that this person had like kind of something that could have made it into the special. Yeah. And the special was great, by the way.

If you haven't seen it, hopefully we'll be bringing it to you to stream or see somewhere else. But it's a really, really funny show. So quick plug for Jared's stand-up set. Very, very funny. And great to bring your parents to, except for this listener who seemed to have had a pretty unpleasant time. That is really insulting. I think even if she wasn't funny for your parents to say that about you is like pretty mean. Like even if you're actually not funny, like even if she's just like delusionally thinks she's funny.

Right. To say it in that matter of fact kind of way. Like would you ever say that about your kids about anything that they said about themselves? No. And humor is like so subjective too. Like there's such a spectrum of funny that like I'm sure she's at least said like a couple of funny things. I believe her that she's like said more than a couple of funny things. but like even if she's the most mild amount of funny,

it just is like, I think what, that it was something that she felt was a core part of her personality that her own mother just was so shocked that she would, that someone could perceive her that way. It brings up this interesting topic that I do think is worth touching on about like, do your parents know your adult self? you know, like sometimes your parents feel like they know who you were really, really well from the ages of zero to like 18.

And then you leave the house and you develop, like I'm not the same person at all that I was when I was like 14 or 12. You leave the house. You make new friendships outside of your high school bubble. You find yourself. if you get smarter and wittier and perhaps funnier. And sometimes if your parents aren't spending, like if not even that they're not spending time with you, but they're not seeing you in all the contexts that you grow into as an adult. They just really don't know certain parts of your personality. Like the humor that you have with your like, you know,

group of girlfriends versus the humor that you might have with a romantic partner around like intimate things, like jokes that you guys have intimately between each other. Like they're not seeing any of those parts of you, but there still is this expectation that your parents know you better almost than anyone else. I think that happens a lot with parents where it's almost like, again, after you leave,

there's sort of like a, you, if they don't know you that well or you don't have a close relationship, you become like, your personality almost becomes like a caricature of what your personality was. And I've had that. And it's like, it does feel like you don't even, You don't even know me or you see me as it the one-sided person who's like this version of me that's not even like a fully formed person. It's just like the two attributes that you feel like

you can use to generalize who I am. Totally. And I think that happens. And it's quite hurtful. Yes, it's quite hurtful. And, you know, I totally get why this is triggering. I think it happens a lot, that your parents almost like want to feel like they still know you even after you grow up and have a ton, almost all of your experiences after age 18 are with other people. Like the majority of your life is with other people in different contexts and drinking contexts and sexual contexts and, you know, just different. I think I saw this online like some statistics where it's like 90% of the time you've been with your kids or like by the time.

your kid is 10, like you will spend like, like you're spending 90% of their time is there, 90% of their time spent with you. And then like, I think it's like 70% up until like graduate. And then it's like under 30 or something like that. There's just like some like huge drop in like the amount that you're in your kid's lives after these certain milestones. But like under 10, it's like 90. Yes. So it goes from 90 to probably, I'd say 30 would be high. It might be more like 10%. Yes. And you're developing so much. You're developing your sense of humor. You're developing all this knowledge base. And it's really sad, I think, to think that your parents don't know you in that same way anymore. But I think it's the reality. And there is this feeling that parents want to, they want to hold on to that. Like, I'm your person. I know you

better than anyone in the world. So they'll pick a trait and like bulldoze it through because that's what you were when they knew you and they want to feel. Like I'm sure there's a lot of people out there. Even with sibling stuff, it's kind of like, okay, she's the funny one. He's the smart one. She's the athletic one. And then it like never leaves you sometimes and your parents just kind of cling to that.

So. Or even like I've had this happen with like a friend from high school who like, you know, maybe didn't see me as much after that. And then when I did see them, like, would just put all these, like, high school traits on you that you're like, I'm not, like, I'm not even, I don't even do that anymore. Like, like, do you even know who I am now?

Totally. Like, yes, I can totally relate. Like, in college and high school, I was like a slob. Like, I did not clean up well. I did not, you know, I just didn't care about being tidy or even like my dorm room, I remember it was just disgusting with like food items, like crusted up bowls.

And if I went back to my college roommate who I haven't seen since college, basically, and they came to my house, they'd be like, oh, like no crusted up bowls. Like this place is so clean. Like, did you clean up for me? It's like, no, I actually like turned into a person that, you know. So yeah.

It just reveals a lack of energy. But this one in particular, I think it's like the positive trait that she's saying about herself and I think it's like particularly mean because it's not even like oh like but you love Harry Potter like it's like you're not this like positive trait thing just think for a parent to like tell a kid their child that's something that they think positively about themselves is like not true and like no matter what it is like even if one of your kids was like and I'm so funny and you like didn't really think they were that funny. Oh my gosh. I do it all the time. I lie about that all the time. Like, you know, like speaking of Brooks, because it's his birthday, he's like trying to figure out how to tell a joke, you know, like with a punchline. And I'll like kind of do it, but it's like just not just off.

Not hitting. It's like not hitting. And like I'll kind of be like, oh, that was funny. That was a good one. You know, it's like, no, that was horrible. But like, you wouldn't be like, you're not funny. Jeff, Brooks thinks he's funny. You're like dying.

This is triggering. And it, you know, maybe there is. Core personality trait. Yes, totally. And I'm sure you're funny. It just, it's almost maybe an indication that I don't know. Maybe everything's fine. Maybe you guys need to spend more time together.

Maybe she doesn't see you in context in which that type of humor can come out. But yeah. maybe there is an underlying like lack of intimacy there, but that does, that's the definition in some ways of lack of emotional intimacy. It's like you don't see me the way I see myself. Like you don't understand right. How I feel about myself and the world.

And so yeah, this is definitely triggering. And I tend to believe her because it's like, it's her mother's birthday. She planned a comedy show. Right. So like at her baseline, she enjoys humor.

So to act like that like trait, she enjoys funny things. So like to act like that trait is just like totally far into her. It's like it almost seems like she's trying to annoy you. So I would pump up this this triggered level morning. I'd give it like seven and a half. Yeah, I agree. I wonder if it was like the mom was trying to just like, yeah, like start with you or make,

or like poke you. Like maybe she does think you're funny, but she's like just trying to get a rise out of you or something. Yeah. Like being sarcastic almost? I don't know. Yeah, seems mean. Yeah, definitely seems mean.

I think I'm sure you're funny. Like you said, you picked a really, really funny show to go to. So just there you have good taste in comedy. So even right with that, you've got to be pretty funny. So yeah, I'll agree with that. I'll give this a seven also. And maybe you can open up a bigger conversation with your mom if you're looking to see some silver lining here.

Maybe we'll get Jared on this one for a follow-up commentary since it was his show. And this sounds like something that would be in his show. Right. Totally. I could hear him doing it. Yeah. All right. Let's do one more.

I'll read it. Okay. As soon as this happened, I knew I had to write in. Both of my sisters have had long-term serious boyfriends for the same time period since roughly 2017. My aunt sends family Christmas cards and each year she will address the card to sister number one. let's call her Nadine, and she will just put Nadine's first and last name and neglect to include her boyfriend. This is a man my aunt has met, knows that Nadine lives with, and she even went out of her way to get Nadine's new address, as her and her boyfriend have just moved into a new house.

Nadine had just discussed the fact that her and her boyfriend bought a house with my aunt at a recent birthday party. We could just chalk this up to my aunt not putting the boyfriend's name because they are not married. However, sister number two, let's call her Mary, also lives with her boyfriend. and they've been together the same amount of time. Each year, on Mary's Christmas card, is both her and her boyfriend's first and last names. This has happened for over three years now in a row. It's puzzling all of us.

I tend to think maybe my aunt just doesn't know Nadine's boyfriend's last name or some other boomer quirk, but Nadine is very triggered, thinking it has something to do with my aunt not liking her boyfriend. For context, years ago, there was some family drama that caused certain family members to have negative feelings about Nadine's boyfriend. It really wasn't anything horrible

on anyone's part and has nothing to do with this particular aunt, like did not affect her at all. But Nadine thinks this is why the aunt is doing this. How triggered should she be and should she say something? Love the show. All right. I'm kind of torn on this. There's a part of me that thinks sometimes like older people that want to hold a grudge will take out like a passive aggressive thing in this way.

So like I don't think they're totally delusional. Yeah. I think a lot of this depends on. the aunt's personality. Like, is she kind of like a petty bitch? Like, I think you don't, there's no way for us to know. But I kind of feel like you kind of know if like someone's the kind of the type to do that. Like if you sent me a holiday card and it didn't include Mike's name, my first thought wouldn't be like, what did he do to annoy her?

Right. But there's other people where that might be a thought that came to my mind. So let's start with that. Right. Yes, I agree. And I think on the flip side, if this little falling out thing never happened, you probably wouldn't even notice like who was on the envelope for the Christmas card. It's because you're sensitive to the fact that maybe because of that, this aunt doesn't like him, even though it had absolutely,

sounds like it had absolutely nothing to do with her. So that's why I'm kind of torn on this. I mean, because for example, we have our beloved great aunt who's I think 94 and she'll send out you know like a new year's card rush Ashana or whatever and she usually just addresses it to me and I've been married for 16 years I've never gotten this card oh this is awkward well it's because you keep moving it's because you keep moving sure okay well now we have another trigger in the office I had never received this card my entire life. It's like a Russia Shana kind of a...

Okay, it's not like a holiday card. No, it's not like a picture of her and like a holiday card. I think it's just sometimes like a random, you know, like a Rosh Hashanah card is probably the only one now that I'm thinking about it that I've gotten. It's not like she's sending me birthday cards or like, you know, happy Hanukas or... Yeah, well, you can discuss it with her. Maybe she doesn't have your address. but awkward.

So, but like I said, she will only put my name on it. And, you know, Jeff has even said kind of like, is that a little weird? Like she doesn't even acknowledge. But in the card, she'll write like, you know, send my love to Jeff and the kids. It's like she's connecting with me acknowledging that I have like this family, but it's not really, which is interesting.

actually, if you think about it, because it's like, I'm opening this card. I'm really reading the card. Like if you got a rush ashena card from Aunt Judy and it said, on the envelope, it said Jordana and Mike, and then on the inside it said, Jordana and Mike to a sweet New Year, would you hand that to him and he would hold it in his hand and he would read it? No. You might be like, Aunt Judy, she sent a, you know, she sent a Russian shot a card. So there's really only one person that's reading the card.

So you're like speaking to that person. I always feel that way when like I have a friend's wedding and I want to write the card. It's like, yeah, the card should be to both of them. But also like my friend is the one who like I want to write the message to because like it's my friend getting married. And like I know her husband doesn't really like care about the card. Like I kind of want you know what I mean? I want it. But instead I can't write like the intimate card about our friendship to the couple.

So I have to write, like, hope you, like, can't wait to celebrate with, like, something kind of like generic and random. But, like, what I would prefer to do is write, like, a card to my friend and say, like, everything that she means to me and all these things. Like, I don't want to include that in a card to the two of them. Yes. Yes. So maybe we're getting off on a tangent. This is slightly different if it's literally just a Christmas card that says, like, Merry Christmas or whatever. Yeah. I think that can go to both people. But I think, yeah, I'm. I'm torn because I think on the one hand, yes, like you said, if she does seem like the petty type, this might be petty and triggering. On the other hand, maybe that's just how she wrote it in her address book. I don't know how old she is, but like, you know, maybe she had, like, I know that

Aunt Judy has like a literal physical, like address book that she writes actual addresses in and maybe wrote it that way before, you know, whatever. It like just kind of isn't updating that. Yeah, I think you're right. I think it depends on her personality. I'm really torn. This could be a totally petty, like a, you know, kind of passive-aggressive way of saying that she doesn't like him, or it could.

I would call her. I would say, thanks so much for the card. It's beautiful Christmas card. I love it. Just wondering, do you have, you know, Jake's name? Right. Like, we do, like, we're just asked casually. Like, oh, like, did you know, like,

we live together? Yes. Yeah. I honestly, I do think that that's going to give you your answer. And this one I would like a follow up on if you do reach out to her because the way she reacts to that is going to reveal the actual intention of this. I would say it's so casually, like not offended at all. Oh, just want to make sure you have Jake's name and I can, you know, this will work great if he has like a complicated last name. We don't even know if his name is Jake. but, you know, if you have Jake's name, like, I don't know if you know how to spell his last name, but we live together.

So maybe you want to add him into your address book. Right. And if she's like, oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry, you're right. Like, let me take that right down. Or if she's like, oh, well, you know, if she gets like defensive and weird. Well, the card is for you. Right. Well, then I'd be like, well, what about my sister?

Whatever, like you send it. You know, I'd ask her. I think you can do it casually and like, hey, just want to make sure, I notice that you only have my name on the envelope. Just want to make sure you have Jake's name and spelling and everything because we do live together. If you want to send another card next year, you'll have all the info, casual. Right. And then see how she reacts. And then let us know.

And maybe we'll tweak our score. I'm really, I can't tell on this one if this is passive aggressive or if this is just a, If she's like a sweet, if she's a super sweet older lady, I would give it a three and a half. Yeah. And if she's, if you know, I mean, you know, you know. If she's like someone who would do this, I'd give it like a five. Yeah. I also like wouldn't care that much, but she doesn't like him.

Like, rude, annoying, but like passive aggressive, but whatever. Yeah. And also, if she doesn't like him based on. an incident that happened, I don't know how many years ago, I don't remember what she wrote, but an incident that happened at least over a year ago that didn't even have to do with her, like that's almost her problem. So even then I get it's kind of triggering, but it's also sort of just a reflection on her if she's going to be that petty to not include him because of something that happened a while back that didn't even affect her. So like I'm going to give it relatively,

I agree. I'll give it a five. If you know, know she's doing it on purpose just because it's like mean to do that on purpose. But yeah, if she's a sweet lady, then I agree. I don't think you know. I like that advice. You'll know. If she seems like the type, then we'll give it a five. If she's a sweetheart, well, I'm going to even bump this down to a two if she seems like a sweet lady that just forgot or didn't get the envelope right. Yeah. He's not all there. We'll just chalk it up for her dementia. All right. Well, we did it. Exactly.

All right. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Rebecca Steinberg. Editing by Will Maxwell. Guest booking by Ali Friedlander. Be sure to follow us on Instagram and everything's fine. And send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294.

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