Oversharing - Can I Train My Partner Like I Would I a New Puppy?

Episode Date: March 25, 2025

This week, JORDANA GOT A PUPPY! Jordana and Dr. Naomi explore the deep emotional bond that comes with pet ownership and how training a new puppy can mirror relationship dynamics. They discuss the power of positive reinforcement, both in raising a pet and in human interactions. The conversation also touches on the challenge of staying informed about current events without becoming overwhelmed. They dive into a listener’s laundry room drama and answer the question, is it okay to leave a note? Additionally, they unpack the struggles of adapting to a workplace with outdated values and finding ways to create long-term change.Finally, in their “Sweet Release” segment sponsored by Angry Orchard, they discuss the frustration of feeling undervalued in your career and the disappointment of unmet expectations in personal relationships. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. So it's been a revolutionary weekend for me.

I picked up my puppy on Saturday. And I feel like transformed into a whole new woman. Okay. Spill. What are the changes? I don't know. I feel like my like heart has like increased in size. I'm like in love with this dog.

I was very little anxious going into it. I was like a not knowing what to expect. You know, we had a golden growing up. But it wasn't really like he wasn't my responsibility. And so I think I was just like very worried that I wasn't going to feel connected. I'm going to be like stuck with this dog that I don't really, I don't know. Like totally. Well, I know we had a conversation like a few days before you picked it up and I'm like,

your nice new furniture and there's going to be dog hair everywhere, just preparing you. So that probably didn't help. No, I actually think that did help because I was hearing a lot of that, a lot of like you might have the puppy blues, which just sounds like some sort of like dog postpartum depression. I think that my expectations were set really low. So I think that probably added. to it rather than everyone being like, oh, it's going to be incredible. Like, you're going to love it immediately, blah, blah, blah.

And I think that everyone was saying, like, giving me all these warnings about how much work it is and how intense it would be. And I mean, a lot of those things aren't like not true. But I feel like I felt a very instantaneous bond. Like, I feel like I gave birth to this dog. Yeah. Now you can understand, like, the crazy dog moms, you know, that are out there that I used to make fun of.

Yes. Like I've seen so many things that are like, you are not the mother of this dog. Like you did not. But there is that feeling. Right. Well, he also like is following. I don't know. I feel like there's like some imprinting because he like is following me everywhere.

He like and he cries when I'm not like when I'm not in the pen with him and he cries when I'm not there. And I think that part's really like the hardest part. Like yeah, he's had a couple accidents and like, you know, those are a little. so they're not ideal. Because it's funny. The first day, he like didn't, he only went outside. And I was like, oh my God, we have the smartest dog that's ever lived. Like, I'm telling everyone he's a genius.

Like, I'm like, I don't know what. We got like a magic impressive dog. And John, our brother who has a dog, was like, beginner's luck. Just wait. And then the next, sure enough, the next day, he was like peeing on the floor. It's funny because I was thinking about it as it relates to this podcast, actually.

Because when I first started dating Mike, my therapist had recommended a book called Don't Shoot the Dog. I think I've talked about it on this podcast before. And it was about it was kind of a dog training book, but it was really about how to train anyone to act more like you want them to act. AKA your boyfriend. A friend, yes.

Well, it was like how to get him to like, you know, compliment me more, do sweeter things or things like that. And I keep remembering that lesson. And I was remembering that as I was, you know, taking care of Ronnie, the dog. and it was basically like you can't punish him when he does something wrong because that doesn't work. And I guess that relates to humans too. Like if you feel like your boyfriend isn't complimenting you enough and you're like bad boyfriend. You don't care about me.

Like you, I'm not going to like, I'm mad at you. I'm not going to answer your text. I'm not going to do this. Like that actually doesn't work and it doesn't work for dogs. Like when he peed, my initial instinct was like to be like, bad Ronnie. That was my initial thought. But then I'm remembering this book and I'm, I read some other stuff that's like, that's not going to like work. The shame, shaming him isn't going to work. So you really just have to, when he does pee outside, you just have to be so

excited and so happy. And so here's a treat and like rewarding the positive, which I guess just goes to show. We're all just like animals. And that's how you can train. Totally. It's so true. It really does happen like that. I think this happens a lot with couples. or any, honestly, friends, like you're saying with a dog, where there's these moments where it kind of feels like, I don't like this behavior. So if I reject this behavior in this person or if I don't lean in or if I'm not like soft or nice about it or if I'm kind of cold and removed about this thing, that somehow it's going to change it. But that doesn't work. Like I see that, you know, we've talked about it so many times in here. Like if your partner's going on a guy's trip or something and you don't, it's not your favorite thing and you don't want to like encourage that behavior.

You will be like a little like if he wants to talk about how excited he is about the guy's trip, you're like cold or a little distant. And that doesn't help anything. And I do think it's the same thing. They just end up getting scared. They end up, you know, feeling like nervous, which probably makes them more likely to pee in the house or. Right. But then I was thinking like, because, you know, I'm now, I'm going through all the different scenarios. But I'm like, in some circumstances, I guess punishment does work, right? But maybe it's for like less personal relationships. Like I was thinking like, I got a speeding ticket when I was like 19 years old. And it was such a pain in the ass to deal with that I like really never sped again. Like obviously you shouldn't speed for safety reasons. But at 19, that wasn't like my real incentive. My incentive was like, this was so annoying to go to. to the courthouse and pay the fine and I don't know any money and like it was so annoying. But then I'm like maybe that's more like a rule that I'm not, it's not like an interpersonal

relationship like a cop isn't seeing me drive the speed limit and being like. Yes. Good job. Yes. I do wonder if you would have come home and you would have gotten like screamed at by your parents and they would have been like you're so irresponsible. This is horrible. Like made you feel terrible about yourself.

I wonder if that would have gone differently. There might have been a little bit of like a rebellion or like a power struggle. Like this kind of I'm not going to be pounded into submission by your abusive language kind of thing. Like I do with teenagers, that happens a lot where like they'll act out. The parents get very like critical and mean and punishing. Punishing and like attacking their character. And that just makes them feel crappy. And then they don't feel good about themselves.

so they're like, whatever, fuck it. I don't care. Like, I'm, right. I'm a shitty person. Their equivalent of peeing in the house, exactly. Yeah. But then how do you, I guess, like, because there are punish, I mean, I would imagine in raising children, there are punishments.

Yeah. Right. Like go to your room, sit in the timeout, whatever it is. Right. Right. Yeah, for sure. I think it's a difference in, like, staying calm, not being mean, or like, not criticizing their whole character, I think, is a big part of it.

Right. This is a bad dog is criticizing the character, right? Yeah. So I think just being like, here's the consequence. And this is my favorite parenting moment is it's kind of like, we can be so nice and so calm and I can listen to you and I can say all the things, but you're also still losing your screen time or whatever it is. Right.

I love you. Like, it's okay. You made a mistake. tell me all the reasons why you think it's unfair. I'm going to listen to all the reasons why you think it's unfair. And then at the end of the conversation, but you're also still having your consequences. Yeah.

And I guess for the dog, that's like, you're, you know, I still love you. You're great, but you're not going to get the treat. Right. Yes. You get the treat. You get the treat. Yes. I do feel like transformed.

I love that you said that your like heart has grown like another little chamber. I feel like I'm in love. Like, you know, when you're like, I can't stop thinking about him. I just now I'm like, he's downstairs. I'm like, is he okay? Does he miss me? Is it okay? What's he doing?

Yeah. It's really beautiful. It's, you know, it really is very cool. And it's like mom always used to say, like, you know, babies are by design super cute when they're the most annoying and the same thing with dogs. Because that's like, right, it's how you're like biologically wired to not just be Like, forget. Right.

Like, drop them at the firehouse. So it's really cute that, I mean, I love that for you. I'm so happy for you. Or is that in love feeling, this might be good for you to just meditate on a little bit. Like, yeah. What do you actually feel in your, like, I can almost feel it. Like for you right now, there's like a heart, chest, like a chest, like an excite, like a opening. It really is.

I really believe there's like a like a real thing of like a heart energy opening that happens when you're in these moments of just like a positive energy exchange. Yeah, I feel it. I hope it lasts. I mean, it's been two days. Yeah. It's been a, you know, we're having a wild, a wild love affair. Oh.

Yes. So I'll keep you posted, you know, as the weeks, as the weeks go on, how this feeling evolves. And maybe Mike will start to feel. a little bit more like your attention will be going to Ronnie. So maybe he'll start to feel a little bit more needy. That'll, you'll like that. Oh,

totally. He's like, well, he's definitely more like the disciplinarian parent. He's like, you can't go to him every time he's like crying or you can't like, he's like, you can't,

because I'm like, should I wake him up so we can play? He's like, no, don't wake like, don't wake him. Like, leave him alone.

It's been interesting to just watch each other in that kind of parenting style. But Mike is like, Mike is like, responsible but strict. How's like the middle of the night stuff going? Mike has done the first two nights. Oh, wow.

He doesn't, I think he doesn't trust me to not like bring the dog into the bed. Like I think he's like, I've got a system going here and I'm like a little worried that you're going to like coddle him and mess it up. So I'm, he's been. Do it. Don't,

don't mess around. Like do it right. And then you'll have such a better relationship with him. Yeah. Yeah. You know, we've been together seven and a half. half years and we've never had like something like this to just like mutually take care of.

So you do kind of like learn a lot pretty quickly like someone's style. I knew it. He's a really good plant dad. He was growing. Seriously. Waters all the plants. I knew he was going to be good at this. Yeah.

That was a little less stressful I think than like the. And he's like, he's like the, I call him like the director of dog like he does. I'm like, do you think we could like can I give him this? Do you think? And he's like, he's like, he's like, no, we're not doing this. We're doing that. That's nice. This is great for you.

You get to do all the lovey, gushy stuff. And he gets, he's like the one that's stopping you when. I know. I'm impressed. Oh, I cannot wait to meet this dog. He can't wait to meet you. I'm excited to meet your dogs. I'm coming to visit.

All right. By the time this airs, I'll be there in just a couple days. Yes. Oh, well, you're going to have, you have all the dog feels now. So maybe you'll bond even more with them. I'll keep you and the audience posted. We need all the pictures. Oh my God. Yesterday we were just like looking at the pictures over and over and over again. He's so

cute. So tighty. So cute. All right. Well, let's get into our show. Okay. So if you guys, I don't know if you have listened to our bonus episode. We do some mailbag stuff. We're responding to your angry emails and answering additional emails. And we'll also be having another guest on to talk through their issues live, which is so much fun because you really get all the context. Basically, our second episode of the month is really like a live therapy session if you threw in your friend who does no clinical trading to be there with you. So these are really fun. It's great to get your guys this feedback, what you like, what you don't like. And you also, if you're subscribed, you also get the episodes ad free in a day early. And if you want to come on and speak to Dr. Naomi and I and have your, is behind a paywall. So it's like a little less public than your standard episode. But you really do get like this full therapy session. And if you either have an update that you want us to go through or you just have a new question that you want to talk about on air, email oversharing at betches.com or another way to get involved

is to join one of Dr. Naomi's groups, therapy groups. Yeah, come find me at Naomi Bernstein.com. I actually do have a couple of individual slots that have recently opened. So those will probably go pretty fast. But reach out for a group or if you are interested in individual, but the groups are amazing. please come join us. It's an awesome community. Most people who come end up loving it and staying. So get all the information at Naomi Bernstein.com.

Great. And if you guys have a voicemail, you can leave us a voicemail at 646-363-6294 or a regular question that you want. Just read on the podcast like the rest of these. Oversharing at Betions.com. All right. I will read our first email. Are you ready? I am ready. Okay. Hi, Jordana. Dr. Naomi absolutely love the pod. I have never subscribed to a podcast before, but oversharing was an

exception and I'm so glad I did. Love all the bonus episodes. Love that. Thank you for being a subscriber. I wanted to reach out after listening to the episode in which one of your listeners was struggling with mom guilt about feeling like she didn't enjoy her kids' toddler years and is already wanting time to slow down for her school-aged kids. My takeaway from your response to her centered around being present, which is something I work on daily and have been helped by your words of wisdom. These days, however, I struggle with balancing how to be present and stay informed with current events. It feels like when I try to absorb what's going on around me, especially in our country, in the world, et cetera, it only causes increased overwhelm or fear. I know you also mentioned

recently that you were intentionally not a political podcast and do not try to comment on current events, which I appreciate we get enough of this elsewhere. I think what I'm looking for is help with how to stay present while also staying appropriately engaged and informed, particularly with issues that are important to me. Any advice would be much appreciated. This is the million dollar question. Yes. It's really hard to, you don't want to bury your head in the sand and like not listen or hear any of it, which sometimes is tempting. And then you also don't want to become like an obsessive lunatic about it where you're not living your life. Right. And it's hard to find, I think, a middle ground because sometimes it feels like,

If you get into it, then you're, like, sucked into it. It's almost, I think of it as like if you have a dramatic family like we do. Sometimes it's like to get a little bit into it feels like you're like now involved in all of the drama or like can't protect your peace. Yes. I think it is a hard thing to do to kind of like stay in the know, but not get, not just be like taken under by it. Yeah. How do you, I'm curious how you handle this personally. I think especially growing up in our.

traumatic family. My tendency is to like disassociate a little bit. Like my, I'm more leaning towards the like, if I'm being truly honest, like bury my head in the sand a little bit. I think that's just like my survival technique is to just kind of like compartmentalize and stay out of things. For me, it's like a work in progress. I'm working on, you know, being able to be more involved. And that's for family stuff too. Like I'm working on trying to like be more involved. without being sucked into the vortex of like anxiety. I guess there's a lot of anxiety from that. Yeah.

I think something that is helpful and it maybe is woo-woo for some people, but I find it to be a helpful way of handling some of this. It's like coming back to why does this stuff get us worked up, right? Like why is it hard to read an article and not go down a rabbit hole trying to research all the information and fact check and get, you know, 10 different opinions because it feels like there's an injustice or it feels like there's someone or like collective unkindness or uncaring. Like I think it comes from longing for like kindness and care for a lot of people. Maybe not for everybody. But I think there is this like almost

even coming back to the feeling that like you have for your dog, there's like openhearted care for people that we don't know that or for ourselves or our family members that might be affected by certain things that are happening around the world. I always talk about creating that balance between like feeling your feelings but not getting to like in your head about it. Right. Not letting the mind take over. Like you're, it is important to allow your heart to have that open empathy, right? That's really what it is. Like there are people, whether it's people in our own home or people across the world that we fear for or that we are caring for. And that can sometimes turn into anxiety and anger.

One way that's helpful is to really come back into like what is the feeling that I'm feeling when I'm reading this thing. And it's like I feel like empathy, sadness, pain for these other people or the people that are close to me if you're being affected. Like I feel my fear for myself or my family. or whatever it is and just allowing the feeling to be the focus versus like the mental piece of like understanding it or trying to what can I do to change it. And I have thoughts on what can I do to change it. But like, because we don't want to sit and do nothing, although a lot of people do, right?

They end up reading all the things, spending all their time online, searching up all this information and they end up doing nothing anyway. Or like fighting with her someone on Facebook. Yes, exactly. Right. The doing something is like trying to convince someone that they shouldn't feel the way that they feel or like screaming out your opinions into the abyss of the internet like you said.

That's not really doing anything. That's not like changing anything. It's just the delusion that you're doing something or like your body is convinced that's like the problem is I think when we're thinking about something or worrying about it or like screaming our opinion into the internet, it feels like we're doing something against to protect people, but we're really not. Right. It feels like you're making the empathy, like putting it to work.

Yes. But you're not. You're not. So the woo-woo part of this is like when you want to feel like you're doing it. something, you can almost like send your kindness and your energy like in your feelings. Like if I sit here, if I read something, like let's say I read about departments that are closing that are supposed to be centered on protecting special needs kids that aren't getting the services that they need at school, whatever it is. And I'm like, I'm thinking about these kids and like

how their life is so hard already and now they're going to be mistreated and they're not going they get the services they need like I can just even as I'm speaking it now I like kind of the it's almost like the opposite like as I'm speaking this like there's almost like a sinking in in my chest instead of like a opening up in my chest right like if I think about like a child that's like feeling left out on the playground or like not included it's like there's like a sinking in yeah paying versus like when I think about Ronnie and his fluffy little furry coat and I'm like there's like an opening. So like when yeah kind of noticing that you have that pang and like closing your eyes

and sending that like care energy to that hypothetical child in your mind and like letting that kind of flow through your body. So that's the how do I deal with the feeling of this without continuing to dig into a rabbit hole in the internet. And then okay, so we want to actually make like, for those of you out there that are like, that's nonsense. Like you can't send. Sending thoughts and prayers.

Right. Like, but sending thoughts and prayers and like I'm literally typing into my, you know, email sending thoughts and prayers versus you're literally. Right. I do think there's maybe a little bit of a difference there. No, I agree. And I think also, I think that's like a big part of it. And I think that everyone, you know, everyone has their own way of doing something.

And I think that they don't all have to look the same. And doing something could be, again, just like having that empathy, feeling that out there. Like, if I think of myself, like, am I the one who's affecting change? Am I, like, an activist? Not really. That's not really my, like, what I feel like my role on this earth has been. But do what can I help people through distraction? Can I help people through answering the emails on this podcast, like that when they write

in and they're stressed, like, can you help in that way? I think there's many different ways to help a situation that, that aren't as obvious or direct as everyone thinks they are. Totally. I completely agree. And I think just your whole aura that you carry yourself through the world with, if you're like angry and forcing your opinion down other people's throats, that's just going to, my energy affects your energy.

So now you're going to be more like that. Like if you walk through the world and you're just kind of using the North Star, the guide of kindness and empathy, that's how you're going to interact. with someone throughout their day. So even, yes, like you do what you do. You help people in the way that you help people. And I think if you think a little smaller in terms of action. Right.

Like people are thinking, let's start at the executive branch. It's like that's like. And some people, for some people, they have those capabilities. And like that, sure. Right. But not everyone can or even should do that. Right. And look, if you have that in your lifestyle, in your time,

and, you know, then great, do it. But most people, I think they're thinking about starting at the executive branch and it's just frustrating because it's like just in your head. It's nothing's happening. So even just in your little world, maybe you can get involved in that way or even if you just see a child like smiling at them or like interacting with them or showing some little gesture of kindness on a small level because you had that heart opening moment of. of like connection with that hypothetical child in your mind. Right. Yeah. And I think that does create more peace in the world, more, um, better energy. And I do think that, you know, not to be cheesy, but like is contagious. Yes.

Yeah. So I really believe that. And so I think if you can act like a little bit smaller for those of, I mean, again, like I said, if you have it in you, if you have it in your schedule, in your time frame, in your lifestyle to go big, go big. Right. But most people don't.

So if you're one of these people that doesn't, I think you can heal yourself and heal the world through these small little acts of kindness or empathy on a smaller level that make you feel like, okay, I'm going to connect with this person through like a small gesture or volunteering at a local program or something like that that makes you feel like you can get involved or even just like a kind interaction throughout the day where. Yeah. I think that it's going to get the most basic level, I think a kind interaction does go pretty far. Yeah, because then that person goes home and they're like a little kinder to their spouse or their child or their whomever because they've received some of that.

So I know for some people, this sounds a little cheesy, but I do think it's a good alternative to just spending hours online reading articles and getting yourself worked up and frustrated. straight-ed to the point where you just feel like all you are is it like a powder keg waiting to explode. Could not agree more. Okay. Well, hopefully that helps. I think I feel helped. I feel like I have a better sense of how to deal when you feel a little overwhelmed by things. And again, I think you're like afraid.

If you're someone who leans more like me, you're afraid to get to go there. So I think this helps like a small way in. Right. It's actionable. Like, you know, read. So long story short, like read the article. like the basics. I like the idea of like getting like a summary. Like sometimes I'll read. I'll read like the beginning of the article and then I start to notice myself getting like worked up. And I'm like, okay, I got the gist of what's happening here. Like I can move on now. Right. Like I get the story. I don't need all the nitty gritty details of it. Now I can, you know, I'm informed. Move on. Yes. Agreed. All right. Let's do a bet you says. Do you want to read this? Yes, I will read this. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I love listening to your podcast. I love the

insight and perspectives you both bring. Thank you for all the advice you bring to us listeners every Tuesday. I would love to get your perspective on an incident that happened in my apartment building. I'm in my 30s living in Boston. I live in a great area in Boston, but the buildings are old brownstones, so many still have shared laundry for the whole building. We have one washer and dryer for 10 units, all studios, so 10 people. I had two weeks. worth of laundry to catch up on. So it ended up being about five loads. I started Sunday, yeah, that's a lot of laundry. It's a lot of laundry for two weeks. I mean, I don't know, no judgment. No judgment. No shame. I started Sunday morning ready to have nice clean clothes for the week. I was on

load two when someone put their basket next. My basket was not in the laundry room because I was going back and forth to my apartment refilling. I continued to do my laundry because it was my turn. My apartment is across from the laundry room so I can hear people are in there. I heard the girl who had her basket come down yelling because she was mad. I also heard her try and take my laundry out of the washer. Oh, she could really hear everything that's happening in there. Luckily, it automatically locks. I ended up finishing all my laundry. She left a note saying, quote, you've been using the laundry for four plus hours. Other people live here. So don't be rude. The washer is leaking. You better clean it up. Ooh. Wow. Not that, not the energy we want to see in the

world. I did clean up the washer, which sometimes leaks, but I would clean it up without a note. Was I being rude? Should I have let her go? I understand waiting for laundry as a pain, and I would have been annoyed waiting if I was her, but that's what happens when you have shared laundry. Should I have went in the laundry room and confronted her? I did not acknowledge her note, and she doesn't know it was me, but it was still an awkward situation. I would love to know your perspective on this situation and what is the correct laundry etiquette and how I should have handled the situation. Thank you sincerely. I want clean clothes. I love this one because I've dealt with it. I've been on both ends. So I kind of like fully understand both. I don't know if you've

lived in a building where you've done, you know, communal laundry. Yes. I mean, this sounds like one, one unit for 10. One laundry. That's not a lot. Because one, I mean, I understand both sides on her side. I get she's like, I'm doing the laundry. Like this is my day that I'm doing the laundry. laundry, do it a different day. It's taken. I was here first. But on the other hand, I also get where someone's like, as can I not do laundry the entire day, you're doing five loads. Could you like wait between one load for me to do another? The issue, I think this is a very hotly contested issue of like, is it ever okay to touch someone else's laundry and take it out or put it somewhere else? Because I've wanted to do this and someone has done it to me and I was like angry about it. But I've also

kind of like wanted to do it when there was no dryer left and I needed to dry my stuff. And there was like one that was sitting there for clearly like well past. Yes. It's a lot of time. It was done. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think? I don't know. I'm like, I'm mad for both of them. Yeah. I have like a fairly strong opinion that I think you get to do pick out your most necessary items do one load or however many loads you can do until the next person needs to go. And then I think you have to let the next person do their most necessary items first. And then you can get back in and do your items. Like I just, I don't personally think it's fair for you to take the whole day, the whole

day and do all of your like, there's only so much laundry you're going to wear for the next week. Do your most important things. and then let someone else have a turn. And then it's really annoying. I get it because then you have to keep like checking back in and seeing if they're done. And like. Yeah. But that's kind of like the annoying thing about living in a building.

I mean, like we both done it. Yes. It's not. I don't wish I could go back. Yes. And I do think it is also okay if you live in a place with shared laundry. If someone's stuff is done, like if the washer's done and the dryer's open or the dryer's done and you need the dryer, like, to move their items into, like, respectfully contained area

that's like... I think you get like a 10-minute grace period for when one thing is done to move it into the thing. And if I were down there and I needed to use one of those things, I would come back in 10 minutes. Yeah. I think that should be like almost the unwritten rule of communal washer dryers. It's like you get 10 minutes after the load is done to be late moving. Otherwise, it might be moved for. because there is only one. And again, this is neither of your faults. And for the girl,

I understand leaving a note. Her note was a little passive aggressive. And I don't think it's going to, it's going to give a caring, empathetic vibes to the world. Yes. Yes. Yes. But I think a note, a kinder note, I think would have been totally acceptable of like, hey, I really need to do some laundry. It seems like you've had a lot. I'm going to do the next next load. I would really appreciate if you could move yours fairly quickly. Otherwise, I'm going to move it. Yeah. I totally agree. This, I mean, people live in like kibbutzes in Israel, and I'm sure they're like, you know, moving each other's laundry. I don't know how that goes, but like, it's weird to think someone's like touching your underwear. Yeah. Like that part

kind of weird. I can understand where I'm like, I really, but if you really don't want someone to do that, you just need to. And sometimes I'll, I remember when I, doing that in my old building, I would take like, I would go down where I knew it was a little early and I would take like a book and I would do something and then it went off and then I could switch it immediately because I really didn't want anyone touching my stuff. And if you really don't want anyone touching your stuff and you have five loads, that's kind of what you need to do. Yes. Yes. And if that's a major issue for you, I don't know, bring it to a laundromat where like you know that you're going to have your washer and there's going to be a million and no one's going to touch your stuff.

But I don't like to go against the listeners because I love our listener fam. I get that you had your stuff to do. But I don't think it's fair for you to do five loads and she gets to do zero just because you got there first. Also, I would just reexamine the five loads in two weeks. That does seem like a lot of laundry for two weeks. I can understand two loads, maybe three loads. How much, I mean, I don't, maybe she works out constantly or like there's a lot of. She was watching a bunch of betting.

Who knows? I don't. Betting. Yeah, I guess the betting is its own one. Right. I mean, if I'm being- Clean up your wot, and the washer's leaking, clean it up. No, it was definitely aggressive. I mean, if I'm being honest, and I've done this before, like, I've no note necessary.

Like I'm here, like you said, come back in 10 minutes. Your stuff has been sitting here in the dryer, dry or whatever. Like, I'm just going to kindly move it for you. Yeah. And not leave a note and just put my stuff in and start washing it. And nature will take its course. you do a load, I do a load. I don't think you need the note. Or if you want to leave a note, like you said, a little bit nicer. Just, hey, so sorry. I know we both want to get ready for the

work week, but like I'm going to jump in here. Right. Yeah. And I think that's, that's fine. And again, like, it's funny. It's annoying because it's like the one thing where there's like, there's no real system. There's no like agreed upon system. Yes. It is true. There is no, like, nobody really, we've all done this. Like, I've definitely moved other people's stuff. also been annoyed when people move my stuff, ironically, because it just feels weird that someone's like touching your underwear. But, um, right. Well, it's not, it's just not clear like what the rules are. So I think if you're, okay, we're going to, we're going to state the rules on this podcast. Um, you need to move your stuff within 10 minutes or it's allowed to be. Yes. Agree.

And why don't you guys get together and write a note to management that you need another washer dryer. Yeah. Or you can come up with like a reserve. You can come up with like a reserve. You can come up with a, if you can't do that, you could make like a little reserve the washer dryer and send, there's only 10 tenants. Send it out. If you want a reserve, reserve these times. So people totally. But you have a max of like, yeah, I don't know, two hours and then you have to get, you know, sure. Yeah. Two load, a two load maximum. Yeah. With a 10 minute, with a 10 minute grace period. There we go. You heard it here. We just solved, we just solved world peace. Look at us. All right. Let's do some intentions. I'll read them.

Dear Dr. Naomi and Jordana, I love you both and always appreciate your insightful advice, benefits, and calm the fuck down. Subscriber. Look, we've got two subscribers here. I'm writing to ask for an intention after a big promotion. I recently got a promotion to a senior executive position with another division at my company. I've been at my company for many years, but this promotion to a new division means a new industry, team, and city for me. This was unexpected but exciting opportunity. I knew that it would be challenging, but I'm finding it more emotionally challenging than anything. I was put in this executive role as part of a succession planning strategy, meaning this is a long-term

plan where I would eventually take over for one of our top leaders. However, I have found that since I arrived, that there is a highly antiquated mentality riddled with inefficiency and old school thinking. It's bizarre that I'm working in the same company, but this division of the company seems to have its own culture and I'm struggling to navigate it. This all culminated with the commemoration of International Women's Day. This is March 8th of every year, and I'm used to planning some kind of event to honor the day. This year, I organized a video with interviews of women around our division and a short presentation on resources available to women in our company. Nothing crazy, and we scheduled it for 30 minutes, short and sweet. My new division has never done an

event for International Women's Day, so I was excited to do something. The reaction from the top leaders within my new division was shocking. There was a serious concern about these 30 minutes affecting the productivity of the workers and that the event would be so disruptive, almost to a level of catastrophe, seriously. Now, I understand that we all have a job to do. And sometimes because of our responsibilities, we can't make it to a lunch and learn seminar or other event. But is it wrong to assume that employees who wish to attend work events like this would simply inform their manager of their desire to attend and their manager would intervene? I was confused at this reaction from top leadership. And when I think too deeply about it, I'm so disheartened because I feel that the real concern is that this is a woman's

centric event. I also feel that this has something to do with control, given that I'm new, and there's a certain way of working here that is not intuitive to just anyone, lots of micromanagement, gossip, and distrust. And what is the say about the new division that I work in and what I'm going to be dealing with? The rest of my company and other divisions in it are not perfect, but they also don't get heavily involved in the management of my new division, so I feel like I'm navigating this alone. I'm feeling very down, disappointed, and disillusioned with my promotion, and part of me wishes that I hadn't accepted it. It was too good of an opportunity to say no to.

However, what's the point when you don't share the same values as the people you work with? I need an intention that will help me work through this frustration, disappointment, and buyer's remorse that I currently have. Also, if I plan to play the long game on this, what can I tell myself to get me through to the end when I am the one in charge and can make the changes I think this division needs? Thank you so much, a buyer's remorse betch. Yeah, I really validate that. this, it's so hard. It's a huge decision to leave a role change. Sounds like she had to move.

I really feel for her and she's jumping in and feeling like not only, it's one thing, I could see why this International Women's Day thing, like kind of put her over the edge because it's like, okay, I could deal with like the culture isn't exactly what I want. They're a little micromatogy and they're gossipy and like I don't really love that. But to on top of that feel like your whole value system isn't the same. Now it feels like this is working here is going to like change the whole my whole course of my life or like what am I doing here? Like what is this in line with my values working in this place?

And then that feels like big and global and important and like perhaps like a deal breaker. Yeah. And I think her mind is also like future tripping and kind of. of thinking of like trying to solve the issue immediately by like, right, got to get out of here. Or like, this was a mistake. This was a mistake. And I think we're kind of programmed to do that. She's like, well, what does this mean for the long term future of my like whole career?

It's like, okay, like let's break the. And I think that feels very overwhelming. Yes. Where I think is if you could have like a short term plan for dealing with the discomfort, that usually helps more than the anxiety of like, well, how is this going to affect the rest of my entire life? Yes, 100%. I think you're on the right track.

And people do this all the time. Like you move, decide you want to move to a new city. You move to a new city. And that first like Saturday night that you're home alone and you have no plans, you're like, what the fuck did I just do? Like I'm going to be home alone every Saturday night. I have no friends. I left everybody I love.

This was a huge mistake because that like feeling of discomfort then goes up into your head. And your brain tries to solve for it by saying you made a mistake. Go back home. You made a mistake, get your old job back. Right. But what you're saying, I agree with is like big changes take small baby steps. Like you're not going to get in there. Like you're not going to move to a new city and have a million friends and a big housewarming party like on the first week that you're there.

You're not going to come into this place and change the culture overnight. Immediately. Yeah. Right. And again, I think that doesn't mean she can't try. maybe this was like too big of a step. And it doesn't sound like a huge, she's trying to like change the anything major.

Like it does sound like she was just trying to add in like a little half hour thing that was meaningful to her and it was like pretty deeply rejected. Maybe she needs to start a little smaller. Yeah. I could agree with that. Or if there was one person that attended this event, there's your little change, right? You planted this seed or even if no one attended the event.

Now they know what international women's day is. And now it's like on their radar. And when it comes up next year, again, they won't be so shocked by it. Like she's focusing on the people that didn't go and the people that were completely rejecting it. But it sounds like it happened. And I'm sure some people attended it. Focus on those people. Like they went.

They heard all these like empowering, you know, female speakers. They are probably going to have absorbed some. Maybe they'll have a conversation with one of these other people somewhere along the line or even those other women that you invited to share in that presentation are going to feel like empowered and important. And it's going to, you know, have, you know, create a little bravery and maybe, you know, a little spark in them to be, you know, changing the culture a little bit. So I would focus on what did happen, which is that you did this. the women presented in it. You gave out these resources. I think some people attended.

Right now it sounds like she's new here. Like, she didn't, I don't know if she said recent. Recent. So like recent promotion, you know. You're pretty new here and you're already doing stuff. It's not being like well received right away. But yeah, like every journey starts with a small step. And just you doing this, putting this together, I give you a lot of credit for it.

Like you did something. maybe next year a few more people attend and maybe the year after then they make it like you know recommended that you attend and the year after it's mandatory that you attend whatever it is and maybe it'll be more gratifying than you know staying in your old position where everyone already felt like that you could feel like you're actually really making a change because this was like not at all like if she can get it to that place she can say this is not at all the place that i found it as and i'm leaving it you know a more resourced kinder better workplace totally And again, I think the other thing to remember in that my, what we, my favorite thing to do is like worst case scenario playing out. If she's feeling really like anxious about this choice to take this promotion is like, okay, what's the worst thing that could happen? You spend another year there. You hate it just as much.

You just really don't feel connected. You don't feel like it's worth investing in. Okay. You can get another job just because it's a long term plan that they put you in place for. It doesn't mean you need to stay. Sounds like she's a highly capable. capable, motivated, and ambitious person. And the next time you look for a job, that'll be something you ask about a lot and you'll learn from this experience and you'll ask more questions about the

culture. And, you know, that'll be something you look out for. Totally. I completely agree. And I think even like the political conversation that we had before, like injecting the world with what, you know, being the change you want to see in the world, like if it's a gossipy culture or whatever, every time you disengage from that, or you like someone tries to gossip and you kind of change the subject, like you're making a little change there. Like I think just going at this with tiny little changes that you can make are going to, you know, result in more than I think you realize.

And worst case scenario, if you're making these tiny little changes for a year and you hate it and you're miserable, can always leave. Yeah. Yes. And also they picked you for a reason. They knew you were a woman.

Maybe they wanted to inject some of that into this culture. Like somebody chose you for this for a reason. It might just take others a little bit more time to kind of absorb whatever it is that you're putting out there. So the intention that I wrote was, I'm here for a reason. I can create big change with each small interaction. And you already did it. Even though they didn't love it, you did it. It happened.

That influence has been injected. into the workplace. So do that in all the little ways that you can. And if you have people that you're managing, maybe you choose not to micromanage them or whatever the things are that you're seeing that you don't like, you can just control your little piece of that. Spread a positive energy. Yes. Let's do some triggers. All right. We're not keeping anything bottled up and neither is Angry Orchard, our sponsor for today's episode. Angry Orchard is here to shake things up by sponsoring our triggered segment, helping you guys get that sweet release. Whether it's a petty annoyance or a full-on rage spiral, your feelings deserve to be felt,

and then let go. Write or call in and tell us what you're triggered about this week and will help you uncap all the feelings. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I love oversharing and all your helpful advice. I'm writing in with the triggered I would love your opinion on. I'm a grad student, and I had a class where an assignment of ours was something called the reflected best self exercise. Essentially, it's a survey where you're instructed to ask 10 to 20 people who know you the best to share stories of times when you were at your best. It's a really nice idea, and the takeaway is supposed to be a packet of reflections from your closest circle that focus on times when you shine. As our professor explained, this assignment to my class at the start of the quarter, I was excited to send the survey out to my friends and family. I sent it out to 15 people, my parents, two brothers, and 11 friends.

I texted all of them prior to sending out the survey, explaining what it was and that it wasn't due for another month so they did not have to do it right away. I also made sure to say, quote, no pressure to fill it out because I understood it was a bigger lift than a quick survey, would likely take 15 to 30 minutes if done thoughtfully. Nevertheless, I got excited responses from everyone telling me they would be happy to fill it out. Today, we received our reports. As I opened mine, I started flipping through pages to realize that only two of the 15 people I had sent the survey to actually responded.

My own parents didn't even fill it out. I looked around that everyone opening their packets that seemed to read like novels. We were given 20 minutes to read our reports before gathering to discuss, and while everyone else couldn't even finish reading theirs, mine took no more than two minutes to get through. It was a bit awkward having to go around in class, listening to other people, talking about how amazing their stories are and seeing how many responses they had. I've been looking forward to receiving my responses as the professor had talked about this exercise being a highlight of the class, but I had barely anything to read.

I felt sad and hurt by the lack of engagement. I value my relationships more than anything, and it felt like no one cared to carve out a little time to write something for me. I'm guessing the email just got lost when I sent it, and I did not send any follow-up reminding people of the deadline to fill it out. so I completely understand that it was likely not intentional. Still, I can't help but feel hurt and sad by this situation. How triggered can I be? There's no one I feel I can assign blame to, except maybe myself for not following up. But I also think they received at least one or two

emails about the survey before it was due. It's not like a few people forgot to do it, but almost no one filled out the survey. Putting myself in their shoes, I see how it'd be very easy to forget about this, but I still feel triggered by it. And I don't want to feel resentful towards my friends or family. Thanks, a betch with a two out of 15 response rate. So I think that she's got great self-awareness already in her email. Like she's saying, like she understands how it would happen. She just sent one email.

She sent no follow-ups. She said you don't have to fill it out in her email. But you kind of, when you do that, I think in your head you are always like, like, what's when you say like, no gifts. It's like, yeah, you would still be like offended if no one. got you anything. Right. And maybe she would have been fine with getting like 10 out of 15 responses, but two does feel, I could see why you'd feel like a little rejected. Yes, I could definitely see it. Although I feel like sending this out to 15 people sounds like a lot. Like I almost feel like

maybe the professor was like, send it out to 15 people. You'll probably get like three or four responses because I don't know, asking someone to spend a half an hour to fill out a forum just to like talk about how amazing you are. Right. And if there's 15 other people on it, you might be like, well, someone else will. Right. Someone else will do it. So it doesn't, I don't know, you know, she'll get a lot of response.

There could just be like a diffusion of responsibility. Totally. I totally agree. I see why she's offended. I think if the other people in her class also hadn't had gotten just like two or, like two or three people spending 30 minutes, just thinking about you and writing down nice things is really nice. If the assignment was send this out to two people and get your two responses, she would have probably been thrilled. She got two fully thoughtful responses.

Two people took a half an hour to just think about her and write down nice things. Like we don't do that on someone's birthday. We don't even do that like. No reminders. Can you imagine doing this? It was your kid, though? I feel like you would. Yeah, the parents should have done this.

Yeah. But it almost makes it feel less personal, though, that they didn't. Yeah. Like, do you know what I mean? Like everyone just kind of forgot. It was maybe like forgot about it. And I think I would need another reminder from the person. Totally.

She knows it. She made the mistake of one saying no rush. Right. And also no pressure. No rush. No pressure. No reminder. Right.

And sometimes we want to be nice and say no pressure. But like if you, you don't need to do that. You don't need to say pressure. But you could say it would mean a lot. I think it feels sometimes it feels weird to be like it would mean a lot to me. Yes. To do this and leave it at that.

because you're like, am I being demanding? Am I being whatever? Like someone could still opt out. But if you want someone to do it, don't say no pressure. I just do think being on the receiving end of this, everybody's busy. They have a million things going on. If I got something that said no rush, it goes in like the back burner. And once it's in that back burner, without a reminder, it's probably unless it's

something that's going to affect me, like a due date or a meeting or I have to. to be prepared for something, it's not coming out of the back burner without a reminder. Yeah. And here's the thing. If someone is very close to you, like it's your parents or your sibling, I think you could say to them, you never filled out the thing. It made me feel bad. Everyone else was what was listening to all their stuff. Can you fill it out now? Yes. Like, I still kind of want to see what you. Yes. I think like if it was your kid and you forgot and then they said that to you, I think you would fill it out immediately. Totally. I think it's a

lesson learned going forward. And people do this with like RSVPs. Like I'll do this from kid's birthday. Like I'll put the RSVP, I'll make up like an arbitrary RSVP date so that I know if someone doesn't respond by that date, then I'm going to reach out to that person and find out whether or not they're coming. If you would have said, can you fill this out by the 15th? Then when the 15th comes, whoever doesn't fill it out, you know that you can send them a little reminder like, hey, this is due on such and such date. I think the fact that maybe there was no due date also like, yeah, makes it hard for people. Do dates exist for a reason?

Because otherwise people like rules. Yeah. Yep. That's true. I get it. I think it's almost an interesting psychological experiment on like expectation versus reality. Like if she would have sent it out to two people and two people would have filled it out, she would have felt amazing. Wow. These two friends look at she and she's like.

They took time out of their day. Yes. Yeah. Look at all these. Like she's acting like almost as if because her expectation was so high, she got two people. She's acting as if she got zero people. Like that's really nice that you had two people that wrote all these nice things about you. With absolutely no reminders.

They just did it on their own. Yes. Especially if they're friends. That's nice. Totally. So I get it. And this, I think it is triggering because it's almost like just triggers that nobody likes me thing because all these other people have so many. more responses. I'll give it a, I'll give it a five. Okay, I was going to say a four, but five to four and a half.

Let's split the difference. If you never knew what the other, what your classmates' responses were, this would be like a one. You'd be like, this is amazing. I got this great feedback from my friends. And you could just keep it in your mind. Who didn't answer? And then slowly plot revenge. So when they ask you for something, you'll just, you'll have it. Sorry, I'm just kidding. Sort of. Ish. Yeah.

All right. Let's do one more. I'll read it. Okay. Hey, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, thank you for all that you guys do. I have a triggered scenario that happened yesterday. And the more I think about it, the more triggering it is becoming. I figured I should write in to help get it off my mind and hear your thoughts on the situation.

I got together with one of my closest friends yesterday to catch up on what's been going on in our lives. We've been friends for most of our adult lives and are now in our early slash mid-30s. I started a new career as a real estate agent at the beginning of the year, and it has been challenging for many reasons. I have a four-year-old son that I have to look after while doing most of my work at home. I schedule appointments around everyone else's schedule to make sure he is taken care of, and I have been struggling financially. I bartend on the weekends to pay my bills and all the fees associated with being a real estate agent. I work all week to build my new career, but won't get compensated for it until I close a deal when someone buys or sells a house with me, which hasn't happened yet. I've been feeling stressed and frustrated lately, but I am motivated to keep pushing to make this successful career for me.

I expressed all these frustrations with her, and she was mostly supportive but made a couple of comments that triggered me. In this process, I have been reaching out to friends to share my info with anyone that is looking to make a move soon. She said that she shared my info with someone and told them, if you want to take a gamble on a new agent, you can reach out to my friend. I don't like how she worded this because it sounds like I don't really know what I'm doing, just because I'm new. but I looked past that and we kept talking. She then went on to say that we should do a video for the next open house that I'm hosting with me and all my friends and bikinis to draw attention and help me get more clients. I laughed like it was a joke, but she said, I'm serious.

You've got to do what you got to do. She has been a bartender as well and we've used our looks before to make more money in those jobs. So I wasn't really surprised when she said that, but it did make me think that she doesn't see me as a professional now. McKinney videos do not go with the brand I'm building in my new career. and I would like to think that my friends see that I'm growing and doing something more serious with my life. I'm sure it was the two comments together that triggered me and I would love to hear your thoughts on it. Thanks. This is not a car wash fundraiser. It's my career. Yeah, I can see why she's offended by this. I think it's she's taking it personally when I think it's the friends not like getting on board with like we're growing up and we're mature and we're not going to do this anymore.

Yeah, and I think she doesn't know, I don't know if she knows, she wrote a whole paragraph about how difficult this has been and how she's trying to get her feet off the ground. Like, I don't know, maybe she did say that to her, but I think that added context would help her see it in like the same lens that she's seeing it through. But also, again, maybe her friend is just kind of like, that's what she would do if she were in that scenario.

So she's saying it just because she's like, well, I think this kind of, like this is how I would run a business. Right. I think the second comment is not that triggering. I think I would be like annoyed if she's like, yeah, I told everyone that if you want to take a chance on someone who has no experience and has never done this before and has no qualifications, then I have a great person for you. It's like, how is that actually, do you think anyone's going to respond to that pitch of her as well? Yes. I could see why she's offended and at the risk of offending her further. And this is a really hard business to break into. I've seen it. It's hard because like you haven't sold any home. homes. So like it's someone does have to take a chance. Yes, exactly. So it is she didn't have to say that. She could have just passed along the name without anything. But maybe there was a bit of her that's like,

she doesn't know if you're good at this or not because you haven't done it. And if she is referring you. Right. She didn't need to tell her that. No. I could understand telling people that. Like if I had a friend who was trying to get into that, I could say like if someone asked me if they had a recommendation, I could say my friend. I mean, if I liked the friend and I thought she was, I would say my friend is really responsible, really hardworking. She's just getting into this, just an FYI. So I haven't, like, I don't, I haven't personally worked with her on this, but I know she's really hardworking and she's all these things.

Totally. Doesn't sound like the friend phrased it like that. It sounds like she was just kind of like almost saying don't use her, but I'm technically passing her information along. Yeah, which is like you better off to not have even done it at that point. Or if you're going to do that, again, if you're going to do that, just don't tell, why would, why would you tell her that? Right.

Yeah. No, I totally agree. I could see the first comment. I could see why she's offended. I get it. Both of those comments together, she's trying to do something serious. She's trying to break out of like using her looks to, you know, further her career. She wants to be seen in a certain light.

And it is hard for her to do this with like potential clients. But her own friends not taking her seriously probably makes her feel like, oh, if you guys can't even take me seriously, how are other people? Right. Well, it's almost harder for someone who used to know. I mean, like, it's kind of, it's funny. It's like if you went back and saw some people who saw you in college when you would just get drunk all the time and you were like, I'm start like, it went back to them now. Like, that's how they, they see you as your college self.

Yeah. Right. And so maybe it's almost harder. It's harder to seem legit to those people than it would be to a stranger you met at the age you are now on the street who can see you in whatever way you want to present yourself. Totally. They don't have any history of you. So it's almost like, I think she feels more offensive, but I actually feel like it's a lot. less offensive because she knew her from her coyote ugly days.

Yes, yes. Where she hasn't probably seen her in a professional setting. Totally. And I think this happens a lot where your bond with somebody happens in a context that you no longer participate in or you don't, you want to break out of that identity that you had as like your college self or even we've talked, I think, in here before about like your parents seeing you the way you were as a child. and you're like, I'm not that person anymore and I don't want to be seen like that.

And I'm trying to kind of break out of that and become a newer, better version of myself. And it's hard. It's not malicious. It's almost like, that was our bonding time. Like, that's how I want to almost see you because that's when we were like close and that, like, I don't know this new version of you. So it feels like it's not in my best interest to embrace this new version. version of you, even though that's what a real deep friendship would be. Like, I'm going to grow

with you. Yeah. And I mean, like, it would be nice to hear her acknowledge that. It's funny because I think about when you saw like my live You Up show for the first time, I think. And you were like, where is like, I think I was very, very awkward growing up and like definitely not someone. You would imagine would have a life on stage. Yes. Like very uncomfortable. I think I had a very, very awkward like adolescence, I think. And I remember you saying, that and it was because you probably hadn't seen me in that context at all but you didn't say it like in a you know what I mean you said it as like a as a way of like oh I'm like it's so interesting to see this growing evolving version of you not like you know why would you ever why would you do

it that way totally yeah it is really true and that's part of growing with anybody a sibling a child a friend is you don't have to be the version of view that you always were in order for us to have that bond. Like it can't be based on the self that you were when you were 16, 17, 8, 27, whatever it is. Like, you have to be able to grow together. And this might be a good conversation. I would definitely, if this is a friend that you value, I don't think it's the offensive part of this is like an awareness of, oh, this dynamic between me and this friend doesn't feel good. I don't think it's about your capabilities. a real estate agent, she has no idea about that. Like yeah, it's a moment for you to say,

hey, this friendship, I'm not feeling seen in this friendship right now. And I think having a conversation about that is the best thing, you know, the silver lining that you can take from this is I need to talk to this friend and be like, hey, I'm growing. I'm changing. I have a kid. I want to do something different. And I don't feel seen by the way that you not in a critical way, but just like I could see how you think like, oh, this is so funny. This is how we used to do things. And you can say, why don't you come to my next open house? Yeah.

So you can see, you know, what I. Like it's almost like your, her live show. Yes, exactly. And it is very cool. Like I still remember I literally, it was like a, you know, flash bulb memory, like standing on the street in New York City and you coming out and being like, oh my God, like, mind blown. Like I, you're. you're out of the box that I put you in.

And I think if your friend saw you in this context, you might be like, whoa, you don't have to be in a bikini to like kill it, you know? Yeah, totally. I had that even like it's constantly evolving. I had that with my friends. I had a housewarming party like a couple weeks ago with my college friends. And I was giving them the house tour and they were like, Trudana. Like it feels like yesterday you were like sleeping on our couch, bed hopping in Manhattan with like nowhere to go.

Yes. Like, you know, because we were going out four nights a week. And I mean, it wasn't said in an offensive way. It was said in like a reflective, like, this is an interesting version of you to see, like someone who's hosting like a party that does it. That's not just like a bottle of spedka and a bag of chips, which was my general hosting, you know, probably the last time they saw me host. Right.

Totally. And that's okay. It doesn't mean that that that's their minds are being opened. And I think by you not. sharing or you not inviting her to the open house, which I think is a great idea. Her mind is not being open to the new version of you. So this is just a moment for you to reflect and communicate. I get the offensive piece, but I think you can use it to strengthen this friendship.

Yes. And good luck. I would give this a, I think I would give it a four. Yeah, I was going to say four. Yeah. Because it's like it is annoying. But again, I think it's more about the friend, like you said. than it is about her.

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Betches. Thank you.