Oversharing - Coming to Terms with Feelings of Jealousy

Episode Date: September 20, 2022

This week, Jordana gives updates on giving the cold shower assignment a shot. Naomi then explains that when you give yourself the option to resist something you will, so practicing an “Acceptance Mindset” is great protection against resistance. This week’s Oversharing Voicemail is from a listener who’s having fertility struggles. They help her break down the intrusive thoughts that can accompany infertility. Next, they read a Betchicist email from a listener who is figuring out how to tell her best friend she hates their partner. They end on some Triggered submissions about having an estranged father-daughter relationship, being called “old” by a Gen-Zer, and a father-of-the-bride speech gone wrong. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Trinana Abraham and I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. So good to be back. Exciting week.

I did my homework that you did it in the weeks before. Yes, I gave you a gentle nudge. and you responded well. Yeah, I did the cold water thing. So how did it go? Wait, well, let's just recap for anyone who didn't listen to that episode, but I gave Jordana some homework to try a cold water immersion where basically the idea is that you experience some physical discomfort

and kind of learn how to relax into the physical discomfort, which ideally can help you learn how to relax into emotional discomfort. So how to go. You were right. If you do a gradual decreasing of the temperature to make it colder, I didn't find it to be that uncomfortable. Maybe I would have found it more uncomfortable if it was like cold outside or winter. But right. Maybe that was another part of it, but I didn't find it to be that bad. Maybe I need to go colder next time. Yeah, or maybe just, I think part of it, what I want you to do is to experience like that initial shock where your natural reaction is to like tense up and resist. Okay. And then like get through that little hump and just drop your shoulders

and kind of relax because then that's like almost the same thing. Like if, I don't know, if Mike says something that pisses you off and you have that initial reaction to like tense up and like get into mode. Okay. Take that breath and just like relax. That's good to know. So you're saying don't do it little by little. Do it all at once. I mean, look, it's better at least. So what was like when you did it, you were just like, turn it down a little, relax, turn it down a little, relax. Yeah. Okay. And then it wasn't that bad.

But I think what you're, the feeling you're describing would have probably been if I turned it down like the three notches. Right. Right. So maybe I'll try that this week. Yeah. It's a good start. You kind of, I think you probably did, did you do some mental gymnastics to make it work? Like, did you have to change your thoughts in order?

to kind of get through it. I think it was more like, why do I need to do this? I could be comfortable. Why I be uncomfortable when you can be comfortable? Yes. And that's how people feel about meditation a lot too. Like it's kind of annoying and boring and then you talk yourself out of it because you're like, oh, what's the point of this anyway?

Well, the other thing is that even if you benefit from it, it's not really, like the benefits come from doing it every day. and the slow changes that you see from that. So it's kind of, and I had a, and I was meditating probably a lot more a couple months ago, but I've stopped. And I think the idea just being, I either have to do this every day or it doesn't seem like

there's any benefits from doing it once every three weeks. It's true, but it's like exercise, right? Like you're not just going to be like, okay, I exercise for two weeks straight. I'm glad that's over with. I'm just going to get back to my life. You know?

Right. Or I exercised for two days and now I, you know, I have the physical transformation that I was imagining. If you really want, if anyone who's out there, if you really want to make a major change in your mental health, in your emotional ability to handle difficult feelings and to release yourself from anxiety or rumination or all the things that might be plaguing you, you have to. to put the same amount of effort or more even that you put into your physical health, like exercise or diet or the amount of energy that you put into trying to make sure you do that, develop a routine around exercise. You have to develop a routine around mental health

too. That's kind of the concept. Yeah. And they say it takes 40 days of doing something for it to just become a part of your life, just a habit. So I think if you can commit to that, it probably takes care of itself after that. I used to be, I never used to exercise. I was very resistant to exercising in general. It just wasn't really something that I did. And then now I can't really imagine not doing it. It's so ingrained into my life.

It's just so part of what I do every day, my daily routine, that it would feel weirder to not do it than to do it. Right. You probably have been doing it long enough where you, A, recognize the benefits of it. And B, like you said, it just is, you know, you've worked it into the routine so it doesn't feel so annoying. It's just like a thing you have, like almost, I could tell people like, if you're going to brush your teeth every morning, which you are, or people say, okay, take birth control the same time every single day. So you don't forget to take it or, you know, the same thing. Brush your teeth and then just take a minute of mindful awareness of how fresh your mouth feels.

Anything that's going to be part of your routine that you're going to do. is having kids like that because I imagine, you know, you hear so, you'll never wake up early again or you'll never do all that. Where part of that seems like horrifying. Right. Like they're always there. You're always up to fight. But where it seems sort of overwhelming the idea of having to do all those things kind of forever.

But then I think about if you told someone who never exercised, you're going to exercise for 30 minutes every single day. Right. Or whatever. a week, whatever it is, you would be like, no. Right. After your very first workout, I was like, okay, you're just going to do that every day now for the rest of your entire life. Right. Like, no, that's nuts. It was horrible, not doing that ever again. It does seem how that's how people describe children, though. Right. Well, but kind of what you're saying, it's like you can get

used to anything where. Right. Well, it's true. I think there's something where it just, that's like the, it's actually interesting you bring it up. It's like acceptance, right? You just learn to accept instead of resisting. When you give yourself the option to resist, like the cold water thing or whatever it is, when you give yourself the option to talk yourself out of it, then it's an option to try to resist it. And then it still happens, but it doesn't feel good because you're resisting it. Versus with kids, it's like, okay, they're here.

There's no resisting this. There's no even point in resisting this. It's not, there's no way to change this. So it almost forces you to just accept. it and then your brain can shift towards like trying to lean into the benefits of it versus resisting the fact that I have to do this in the first place. So that's where I think you are with the cold water immersion and the meditation and the parts that you still do kind of have an option. Like not exercising ever again probably isn't even like an option. So you're not going to resist it.

You know, you're going to accept it because you've like accepted it into your life. That's a good point though that that acceptance mindset does if you can do that and you practice doing that then you probably have the underlying benefit of that also which is just the feeling that you can take whatever comes your way exactly you don't have to be afraid of whatever comes your way because you can accept it yeah say that whole thing again that was perfect like the acceptance mindset just gives you the protection against not having to be afraid because you can choose your mindset and you can choose that you're going to take anything that comes your way and not resistance is where the pain lies.

Don't resist. Don't resist. Don't resist. It's going to happen, especially when it comes to things that are like going to happen anyway. You know, obviously if there's things that like, I mean, obviously I'm talking to about things that are happening. That you can't control. That you cannot control, which is 90% of things.

Really. If you think about the things that are like really upsetting you, most of it is kind of out of your control. And if you resist it, now it's out of your control and you're feeling uncomfortable about it versus it being out of your control and like relaxing into it. Like even just the physical relaxing into it changes the way the whole thing feels. I agree with that.

I think it's hard to get into that mindset when a lot of aspects of your life, you know, you see benefits from going after what you want or, you know, making something, especially like in business or in work, you hear that a lot. You know, you have to like get the job you want. You have to go out there and work hard. You have to fight against your urge to be lazy or to be inactive. So I think when you have that message in one part of your brain, you're kind of like,

well, I can make the life I want in all of these ways. And so it is hard to just relax into it. if you practice a lot of doing that and other aspects of your life. So here's, and I probably should have clarified, here's the thing. When you get upset about something,

whatever it might be, I'm not where I am in my career, I don't like being single, I want a bigger house, whatever the thing is that's upsetting you. You have to kind of ask yourself, am I doing everything I can to make this the way I want it?

And if not, write down all the things I can do, and start doing them. At some point, you're doing everything you can. You're working hard at work. You're going out and dating. You know, you're doing all the things you can to make the life that you want happen. And at that point, that's when you have to start the acceptance thing. This maybe isn't happening at the pace that I wanted to or it's not happening in the time that I wanted to. Or for certain things, this is just not going to happen, whatever it might be. You know, so if you are doing all that you can to get what you want.

And it's not happening in the way that you want it. That's when I think you need to practice the acceptance. I'm not saying like lay around and let your life just happen and accept every single thing that ever happens without putting any effort into making your dreams come true. That's certainly not what I'm saying. Right. But, you know, I think that's why it's good to say, is there something I can do about this? If the answer is yes, great.

Do it. I like that a lot. I think that's a really good segue into our first. over a sharing segment, which is a voicemail this week. And I can share personally my feelings on the topic. Let's play the voicemail. And then we'll get into that because I think a lot of what we're saying now can be attributed to the question we're about to hear. Totally. All right, let's hear it. Hi, Jordana. Hi, Dr. Naomi. Big fan of the podcast. I really enjoyed. Listening to the two of you cover such a range of topics. Of course, I love you up too. I'm calling because

my husband and I got married last year and decided to start trying for the baby this spring. We weren't really tracking anything. We were just going with it. It felt pretty relaxed. But, yeah, we got pregnant and I ended up being more excited than I thought I would be. And Content Morning, we did end up losing the pregnancy early on at almost six weeks. And I honestly am starting to just become numb, but I felt overwhelmed. with grief. It's been like six days since it happened. And I'm calling because I'm terrified

to try again. I'm worried I'm unable to carry a pregnancy to term. And, you know, my doctors have been really reassuring. I want to get over the mental hurdle of feeling like I did something to cause this or that I could have prevented it or that, you know, I'm not going to get the outcome I want in the future. I honestly just feel like horrible and very jealous of people with kids now and that wasn't the case like a week ago or before I got pregnant and I guess I'm looking for some input on how to deal with with what's going on right now. I am feeling a lot of shame. I feel like my body failed me and I guess I feel like I'm spiraling a little bit and the only thing I can do is the only things I feel like I can do or work or watch TV to distract myself and

I want to face the pain. Thank you both for your help. Keep doing what you. you do appreciate the two of you. Bye. Okay. Thank you for calling in. Yeah. I want to thank this listener for calling in with this because I think it's something that so many people experience, but it's hard to talk about and kind of, you know, just to normalize it for everyone else out there that she had the courage to call and get some help with it. So thanks for the voicemail. Totally. I had experienced the same thing going through a mascara. in June. And it's when I listened to this voicemail,

I just felt like same. Do you know what I mean? Same. Same. Yeah, no, I think she really accurately described a lot of the feelings that go into that whole situation or any situation where you feel kind of good and confident and like happy about something. And then something happens to make you just doubt every aspect of what's coming next

or everything that you thought you kind of knew or you felt confident in. And it can make you feel almost like for me, again, the experience with that felt almost like dating and then someone broke up with me. And I was like, I was much more invested. And I felt like, oh, I was overly confident in this. I was a little bit delusional.

And now I'm getting a little bit of a wake-up call that things aren't easy. Right. It was almost like a naivete, which is nice and blissful. but but then you're like, I don't want to become this, like, cynical person who's like, well, let's see.

Like, we'll wait and see. You're like, right. Like, we'll see if you're going to text me the next day. Totally. So it's a, it's a very hard thing to balance feeling, you know, realistically optimistic or hopeful. That's where you want to be, I guess. But it's very hard to toggle between like naively confident and cynical.

Totally. Well, look, I appreciate you sharing that because I think sometimes, you know, we talked about this. You hear from so many people. I'm sure she's hearing from her doctors and all of that. Like, this happens and this happens to a lot of women. But when you put a face to the story, I think it makes it feel a lot better to realize. There are plenty of people with kids and plenty of people with kids that have gone through this. So, but yeah, it leaves you feeling probably just emotionally guarded.

Like you make the dating analogy, you know, like I. been hurt. I'm not going to allow myself or there's a, there's like an urge not to allow myself to be hurt again. And the only way to do that or irrationally, but it feels like the only way to do that is to not let my emotional guard down and not let myself get too hopeful. Right. And then there's all these other sort of conflicting feels. And when she said that she was jealous, that she seen other people with babies and suddenly she was very jealous of them. I definitely had a similar kind of feeling and it feels it feels like icky to feel jealous of someone you know with a who posts about their their baby and when you know their due date and you're like I'm someone who two months

ago would not have cared yeah about seeing that totally suddenly you're kind of just envious of someone else is either like and you assume everything's easy because it looks easy on social media or it looks like everything's gone right. And especially when you're in the space of your life, I mean, we talked about this a little bit before, but at the time we're recording this, you know, my birthday is tomorrow, and I'm going to be 33.

And you can't help this birthday in particular. I'm kind of like, well, I thought, you know, I thought I would have a baby. I thought I would at least be pregnant to be becoming a mom at this age in my life. So it's a lot of that coupled with the expectations of where you should be versus, where you are.

And then the other part of your brain in the back of the other brain, which is like you're so lucky. Like you don't really, why do you feel so bad? Like stop feeling so bad for yourself because you have all this other great stuff. So then you're not really sure where to put your mind, you know?

Totally, totally. Yeah, you touch on a lot of important points. I think two things that stick out that I think a lot of people feel and end up being very judgmental about themselves. which just doubles down on everything you're feeling because now you're feeling, you know, you're going through a grief process and then you're also kind of beating yourself up. One is just to put it out there, it's okay and it's normal as a therapist,

and I see this on the other side and people confide in me about things that they don't really tell a lot of other people. It's okay and normal to be envious of things that your friends have that you really want. like that happens doesn't make you a bad person it doesn't mean that you're not a good friend it doesn't mean that you have a black heart it just means that you're struggling or you're grieving the loss of something that you want so the idea of having a thought of like oh like I just find it so annoying or like I'm not in the mood to see somebody's like cute baby or I don't right now whatever it is I think beating yourself up for having those feelings ends up just making it worse because

I do think most people after a miscarriage or after a bad breakup or a breakup with someone they thought they were going to spend the rest of their lives with when they see someone else pregnant or with a baby or with a boyfriend or getting engaged, it's normal that you're going to feel that way. So I hope that everyone can just, you know, cut themselves some slack you included if you ever, right, you know, feel that way. No, it's a good point. I think, you know, part of you wants to do that.

And then, but it just feels, I think it can feel kind of like, do I, I don't want to be this person that's like, angsty at someone else's good fortune. Right. So then you feel bad. And I agree. I think it's very hard to be happy for someone who has the exact thing that you're working towards. And then that's in any situation in life.

But like you said, the shame of feeling jealous or, or not super positive about hearing about a friend's good fortune or something going well for them does make you feel worse because you feel so bad about yourself or feeling that way. Right. But I, you know, and I get that and that feeling as normal. Also, I just, I would encourage you and anyone else who's feeling this way to remind yourself that it's, it's a moment. That feeling that you have is a moment. You're not going to feel like that forever. And it doesn't, to be aware of making a whole character judgment on yourself for feeling that way. And so I'm like, what kind of person am I that I'm feeling this way just to be like,

in this moment, I'm feeling envious. In this moment, I'm not feeling happy for this person instead of like, I am the type of person who's not happy for my friends. Like that, first of all, it's not true and it doesn't make you feel good. And it's just not true. Because either one, you're going to go through your grief process. The worst case scenario is you go through your grief process, you know, come to term with the fact that this isn't going to happen for you,

that's probably not the way the story is going to end. The way the story is going to end is you're eventually going to have your baby and you're going to feel better about all of this. Even you hopefully can go through a process where you feel better about it even before you have your baby. And that moment is not going, that's not how you're always going to feel. It's how you felt in that moment. And this woman is six days out.

Yeah, very quick. This is very fresh. And for you too, it's very fresh. I mean, this was just a couple of months ago. So I think, you know, just not to judge yourself on top of everything else and realize that, you know, jealousy is a, it's a motion that happens. It's normal and it's something that's going to come and it's going to go like everything else. And then for the other part of what she was saying, I think is another part that goes into it. The parallels that I felt with dating for that, which is, you know, it's so funny because I remember you being 10 years older than me.

I remember having this discussion with you probably about 10. years ago where, you know, something had just happened with a guy. I was probably seeing for a few months. It didn't work out. And having this fear, like, what if I never meet someone? What if I'm, what if this is it? What if I'm like this forever? And I remember you telling me, because I think at the time you were probably, you had just had a baby or you were trying to have a baby and you would say, you know, you'd have the same fear. What if I never am able to have kids? What if it never happens for me? And I think at that point, you would already have a baby and you were like, and if I, looking back now, right. If I had known that, you know, it was going to work out the way it did, I would have just been having a lot more fun. Right. Totally. But that's the hardest part because you just don't know. So you're kind of like, but we've discussed this on other episodes where it's sort of you're making yourself miserable now for something that is a possibility in the future, but is an unlikely possibility. And if that happened, maybe you would actually feel.

really bad, but there's no reason you have to feel bad before the actual thing has already happened. Totally. And I think it does come back. And I'm curious to hear your perspective on this question, which is that do you feel like it hurts less if you're emotionally prepared for something? So like, let's say, you know, like this listener, let's say she gets pregnant again or let's say you got pregnant again. If the whole time you were kind of like, this isn't going to work. I know this isn't going to work. this isn't going to turn out the way I wanted to. And then it doesn't.

Do you think it would hurt less than if you were sort of like more hopeful or if you were a little bit like your guard was down? Do you think it would feel different? Maybe it would be, I think it's almost less about the hurting less and more about the internal sense that you know what's going on. Maybe. Like the feeling of,

I'm not, because I think part of it when it happened was this, this feeling of like, oh, I was just going around telling people, like, thinking I was like, that I like knew what I knew anything about anything. Right. And you look back at yourself and you're kind of like, I should have been a little bit more realistic about the situation, I guess. Like almost like when you know, when you, when you go on two dates with someone and you

tell everyone about them. Right. And then they never text you and you're like, well, that seemed dumb. Right. Right. Totally. And I don't know, I guess, I mean, the hurt, I'm trying to think, is it, is it that would it hurt less? Maybe a little bit, I think.

Right. Like she said, she's like numb. There's like a little bit of a numbness that I think if you go into it with that, it can feel protective. And look, I think there is, if I'm honest, there's some small amount of reality to maybe there's a slight less like of a being blindsided, you know. There's like that initial shock that wouldn't happen in the same way, that one moment where you like first get the news or you first realize that it's not going to work that would feel maybe a little bit less intense. But the rest of the, and that comes back to even that mind-body thing, that sensation that you have in your body when you first get the news that like the pregnancy isn't going to work or you first get the news that like the guy is breaking up with you or he sends you the breakup text. There's like literally, and if everyone out there pays attention to it, you'll be a lot more aware of it. There's like a flood of chemicals flowing through your bloodstream that make you feel a certain way.

And then it sends signals to your brain that says, never let this happen again. This is awful. Prevent this at all costs. So it's almost like that's the moment where I think being prepared might take the edge off of that a little bit. but the big picture end result of like being alone or not having the baby ends up being pretty much the same. Like the outcome is the same. The days leading are the same.

I mean, the days following are the same. So it's almost like, is it worth it to be anxious for two, three months to prevent that one moment where it really is going to feel more intense than that one moment perhaps? But the outcome of everything. is probably ends up being pretty similar. No, that's a good point. That's a good way to think about it. I guess in the practical sense,

if you're the person leaving the voicemail or me and you find yourself feeling those anxious thoughts about what am I going to do if this doesn't happen or what if it takes a long time or, you know, just intrusive thoughts about the unpredictability of the future. do you have any tips for when your brain starts going there? Yeah, I mean, I think that, again, we talked about this a few weeks ago with the woman whose daughter was going to kindergarten and she was afraid of like a shooting or something like that. I think something that could be helpful in that moment is like looking at the statistics, especially if you're at this stage, like, where she is, where she's had like one miscarriage and where you are realizing that like the chances are this is going to happen.

Right. Like just looking at the numbers and everything her doctor is telling her and realizing like, yes, I'm doing this protective thing. And it feels like this isn't going to happen. But the statistics show that this is probably going to happen for her. There's no reason from what she's written in this email to believe that it's not. And I think a lot of what I hear from you and what I hear from her about what's compounding this is like not just the idea of like, is it going to happen. but all these feelings of like shame and judgment and judgment of yourself and shame about your body and how her body failed her and being jealous and being jealous and for you like,

oh, what an idiot. I told so many people that was so stupid. Like all that extra stuff that's like not even about. Like you have to clear that out of the way first and like recognize that that's what you're doing before you can come back to like, what am I really afraid of? what I'm really afraid of is that this isn't going to happen for me. And then maybe you can look at the numbers and be like, well, the statistics kind of show like this is probably going to happen for me.

Right. And if it did happen again, you could handle it. I think it's also like what we were talking about in the beginning of because I think that's it's more like you're afraid of your future reaction to a future result that did or didn't may or may not even happen. But it's kind of like what you said about having the. internal confidence to know that whatever life throws at you, like you're going to be able to handle it. Yes. And realizing, you know, this is six days later. So, you know, I'm sure that she's

going to go through her process and eventually get to the point where she's okay and she's having fun again and she can, you know, live her life and you can relax into those feelings of like the, I mean, the thought is, what if I can never have a child, right? That's the ultimate, deepest, scariest thing. And if you can just like almost relax into that thought of like I can handle this, like I can handle this, it will allow you the strength to get through whatever aspects of that. And I honestly don't think after one miscarriage, you need to be even in that mindset of like accepting the fact that you may never be able to have a child. I don't think that you're at that stage and I don't think this person will love the voicemails at that stage but maybe there are

some listeners out there who are at that stage you know and that's a different process and it's something that would bring some strength and again like the cold water is just like this is really really uncomfortable not as uncomfortable as something that like this but right it's really uncomfortable and I just have to like relax into this physically which is extremely extremely hard if you can managed to do that, I think getting through the whole process is so much easier, especially with something like trying to have a baby where it's like, that's the kind of thing where it's like every month there's a, you use the test of like, will I be happy or will I be unhappy? Let's check the test. And you let and you put your your happiness onto this external thing

when if you could figure out how to be happy regardless, it wouldn't feel so anxiety producing. it wouldn't feel so like if you were just truly happy with the life that you had and you didn't need to be in a relationship, you wouldn't feel so anxious after every date if they were going to text you or not. It would just be like great if they did and fine if they didn't. But it's so hard to get into that mindset. I don't know why. It's just very, or I don't know what to do. I personally have trouble like trying to get out of that thought process.

I just think it's very difficult for me personally. Right. And I get it. Like you said, every month there's like that reminder of like this isn't happening or this didn't happen or. And I think it's a matter coming back to this idea of like your life is moments, right? I don't think there's any way that you are going to, let's say you're trying to have a baby and you get to that day where you go to the bathroom and your period starts and you're going to have that feeling of like, oh, you're going to have that disappointed, like nauseous, whatever that feeling is where it. you are not happy and you have chemicals flowing through your body that are sending signals to your brain that something bad is happening. And that moment is going to happen. But again, if you can

just make it about a moment or an hour or a day or two days or however long you want to give yourself or takes in that moment for you to just like have those feelings, let the feelings flow through you and then realize, okay, after a period of time, it's going to pass and you're going to go back to living your life and enjoying your current life without being pregnant. And you're going to be able to do that and not being so afraid of what really ends up being these moments of like, I'm not saying it's one moment, but obviously the first moment you get your period, there's like this huge, disappointing, terrible, physical feeling. But eventually it passes and you're not feeling like that the whole entire month.

Right. moments where you don't have to feel that way about the whole entire right yeah right and you can just allow that intense emotion to come and allow it to pass through and realize like i'm okay i'm you can't control that there's no way no thing that i could tell you that's going to make you not be flooded with those feelings of disappointment and and sadness when that happens if that's something you really want so forget that hope that that's not going to happen that's going to happen if you're still trying. But it's having the trust, like that's the cold water moment, right? Yeah. That's going to come and then it's going to go and just trusting that that moment is going to come and it's going to leave you

and it's not going to stay forever. I think as part of what can help you get through it. Right. And you're going to be fine. Right. And you still have everything else. Yeah. Yeah. And gratitude is another thing that, you know, I know people, you know, it's like a fad thing, but like, having a gratitude journal and like when you're feeling that way, coming back and really making space in your mind for all the things that you have that you're so grateful for instead of having tunnel vision on this thing that you don't have that you really want because it's easy to just get tunnel vision. I think that's why, especially when it comes to trying to get pregnant, there is stuff you can be thinking about and stressing about all month. Like, okay, what days are we

supposed to have sex and I'm mad at him tonight and I don't feel like having sex, but now I have to do it anyway because it's like my fertile time. And, you know, whatever it is or whatever the struggles are that you're having where you can turn it into this obsessive kind of thing and lose track of all the things that you already have that you're super grateful for but you have to make mental space for those things otherwise they don't exist. Yeah. I think if you feel confident that like you said the gratitude for the rest of the things in your life and the ability to focus on those things, it softens the blow a little bit. And again, I think that if you almost, if you go through it a few times,

just like a few months where you're disappointed, then you're like, okay, I was disappointed last month. I remember last month, that was an annoying day. And then the next day, I was fine. Right. And I remember I used to talk to my therapist about that with dating because I'd have a lot of these three month relationships that would end. And I'd be like, I used to be like devastated about them.

And then I remember talking to him and he was like, I wish you had more of those things because the more. of them you have, the more of them you're like, okay, I dated this person. It didn't work out. They ended it. And then I was fine. And I remember that I was fine. I had the experience of going through that knowing that I was fine and that I could do it again. And then the worst thing that could happen is it happens again. And then I'm fine because I remember I already was fine. And I met someone else. And you'll always just be meeting new people. Yes. Yes. Yes. I love that. I want to hang out with your therapist. I think he gives you great advice. I love that. I think it's true. And every time

you have a painful experience of any kind, it's a learning experience. It's a growth experience for you to be like, I can handle this. And feelings come and feelings go. That's just part of life. So realizing and trusting, you know, I heard this quote that was like, you know, if you trust the ocean, you won't be afraid of the waves. I don't like that. Yeah, the waves are going to come, but you realize like, okay, the big picture is fine. And I can handle these waves because I know that they come and I know that they go. And every time, like your therapist said, you can prove that to yourself, you can either

choose that to make you stronger or you can choose that to say, oh, I always get the short end of the stick, you know, life is so unfair. Why does this stuff always happen to me? like you can choose to make that, use that to make you stronger, more resilient person, or you can use that to make you feel more buried under the weight of life. And that's really a choice that you can make. Totally great. I think if you handle those situations well, you become like a person who's seen some things.

And that usually makes you a little more interesting, that makes you a little more relatable, that makes you a little bit more in touch with the rest of humanity. Totally. Yeah. The goal is to not go through life with absolutely. no issues because I think you would be a very probably like sheltered person who just didn't really understand what a hardship was. A hundred percent. And I do think, and again, just to come full circle on in terms of like you sharing your story, I think it's really going to mean a lot to a lot

of people. And I know it's something that's very private and not easy to talk about, but I think it's going to mean a lot to a lot of people to make them just feel less alone. So having experiences and being able to, you know, relate to other people is a huge part of life and connection. Right. This was a good one. Thank you again to the person who left the voicemail. If you want to leave a voicemail, you can leave us one at 646-363-6-2-9-4. Or if you prefer writing in an email, email oversharing at betches.com.

And I hope you guys were helped by this one. Should we do a betchesist? Yeah, let's do a betcha-sist. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. Love the pod. Hope you can help me as well. I have a friend that I've been close to since high school. She is my best friend, and we've been through a lot together.

For context, we're now 26. We've discussed being each other's made of honor for when the time comes, even before she had a boyfriend. Well, now that she's been with him for three years, I feel like the time is quickly approaching. The thing is, he disgusts me. And not just me, all of our friends and acquaintances of hers that he's met, don't like him.

She's completely changed since she's with him. I went to visit her for 10 days this summer and barely recognized her. 10 days. That's a long visit. He is condescending sexist, has stupid jokes, is negative from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep, and is using her for money. She's lent him a lot, and of course, he is not paying her back. She's stopped talking to her mom because of him.

She's molded her whole life to him. We spoke about it when I was there, and she admitted it would be easier to just break it all off and start from the beginning, but keeps hoping things will change and loves him. At the same time, she mentioned marriage and kids. There's a million more examples that I could mention, but you get the gist. I am also scared that she will get pregnant before she makes the right decision for herself, as I know they are not using protection, and then she'll be tied to him forever and probably get married ASAP.

I wouldn't tell her I don't want to be her maid of honor before she asks me, but I know it will be coming if, God forbid, they do get engaged. How do I tell her I don't want to be her maid of honor? To me, it would feel like I'm just supporting that marriage and then being together when that's far from the truth. I just want her to get away from him. On the other hand, I love her, and this would probably cause a big argument.

Thanks for all that you do. It's just such an interesting one to me because she's using like the hypothetical scenario of this beta honor thing. It almost sounds like she's waiting for it to happen so she has a chance to like unload her foot down, right? Unload all this, these thoughts about him.

Like she's already, she's almost like she's eagerly anticipating being asked so that she can finally tell her all the reasons why she doesn't want to do it. Totally. Yeah, I could see that too. I think she is getting a little ahead of herself. I could see why she's concerned.

Like you said, she spent 10 days there, so she really got to see who this guy is and what their relationship is like. It sounds like it was pretty scary for her. So I could see why she's concerned, but I do think she's getting ahead of herself with the maid of honor thing. That may not even be an issue. But I think what she really, I think you're on to something and what she really wants to do is just really,

tell her friend that she's not supportive of this relationship. Like I do not support this relationship. And this maid of honor thing is like a perfect symbolic gesture of like I am not supportive of your relationship. Right. So I guess to me the ethical question here is what right does she have to either put herself in this situation, tell her friend what she really feels about the situation. And then I thought the made of honor thing was just interesting.

to the extent that to me being in someone's wedding or is more about your relationship with that person and less about how supportive you are of their relationship in my mind. I guess. Ideally, she's going to give a speech where she's supposed to say something nice about him, right? So that might be awkward if she can't think of anything nice to say. But I agree with you.

I think there is a part of it that is about her relationship with this person. But I do think it's a tough spot because I think she has to sort of decide if her friend does end up with this guy, is she going to still want to be her friend? Is she going to still, you know, be supportive of her? If she struggles with him,

if she has fights with him, if she's upset by him. So I think part of this is figuring out where her boundaries are in this friendship and how she wants to handle it. So I think, you know, if she really decides that she doesn't want to be supportive of the relationship, what does that really mean? Does it mean I'm not going to hang out with the two of you anymore? Does it mean I don't want to be around him ever again?

Does it mean I don't want to be your friend anymore? I think she has to kind of answer those questions for herself in terms of what is she looking for by putting her foot down and saying that she's not supportive of the marriage. So she could show up to the wedding and give the speech and do the things and just be there for her friend. but I think it sounds like there's more to it for this person. Like how is she going to conduct herself if they do end up together, I think, is her fear. Yeah, I think it's interesting because she seems very invested and she seems very concerned for her friend that she's going to make the wrong decisions for herself. And I don't want to say that the writer is controlling, but it does seem like she doesn't

trust her friend to make the right decisions for herself. She's saying, I'm scared she's going to get pregnant. I'm scared she's going to be marrying this guy. But to me, if you have a friend and you love them, part of that comes with respecting that they can make their own choices. I mean, again, she's saying it's tough because you don't know exactly what you're hearing her side of these issues. She's saying he's sexist, he has bad jokes, he's very negative. But like, maybe there's clearly something about this guy that your friend seems to love to an extent. So I think the only thing you can really tell your friend what to do,

she's not going to, no one ever did anything in a relationship because someone told them to. Yes. They did it because they came to that realization themselves. So I think the only real thing you can do because it's not your life, it's her life, is give her the opportunity to talk about it, be supportive when she asks you to be in ways that are helpful to her or if she did want to leave, you could help her and support her and encourage her. but I don't think that you can decide

that this is the right or wrong relationship for her. She has to decide that for herself. Totally. And I think that there's a part of this. And again, that's why I say, I think that the writer has to figure out if she really wants to be supportive of her friend regardless of whether or not she gets married

and what does it mean if she says she's not supporting the marriage? Because I think the best way you can support her is by giving her, like you're saying, the space to talk about things if they're not good, you know, to be able to know that if she comes to you and, you know, she's on the fence, but she wants to vent something or she wants to have a space to talk that you're not going to be like, leave him. You better leave. I'm going to be, you know, like, I can't believe you're staying with him and say things that are going to make her feel sort of judged and, you know, not comfortable speaking to you. So the best way to support someone

who's in an unhealthy relationship, if that's what this really is, is by opening up the dialogue and being a space where they can talk about it. Like, we could even transition to if you had a friend that was in an abusive relationship or in some type of extremely unhealthy relationship, the best way that you can be supportive is by just being someone that they know that they can speak to without receiving judgment. So I think you can say if you're seeing things in your friend that make it look like she is unhappy. So she doesn't really mention that.

She says when she was there, the friend said the friend admitted it would be easier to just break it all off and start from the beginning, but keeps holding on thinking things will change and loves him. Right. Okay. So, yeah. So I guess the friend is saying that she's unhappy in the relationship in some way. So I guess you can use that as a bouncing off point.

Like to kind of be curious. You know, this is a place where I would say if she's talking about it, instead of having the agenda be break up with him, I think a better agenda could be get her talking about it, be a place where she can open up to you about it. Because sometimes it is really hard if you're in a relationship and you're on the fence. You don't want to talk about the person because you don't want other people to judge them and not want to be around them and make it awkward, but then you're kind of alone and isolated in it, which ends up making it only worse and harder to get out of it. So I think the agenda here should be just like talking to her and and allowing her to open up a little bit more

and being non-judgmental and not pushy. Yeah. I think that would be a better way to handle it unless she's, this listener has decided like she just like doesn't want to be her friend. If she's with this person, then that's a different situation. And that's her choice. But if it's about her friend and her friends, like, and that's what I think that that was the big thing that I saw in this email. It's like, is it about how she feels about the guy or is it about how her friend feels about the guy? Like was she saying it might be easier to break it off? Because you were kind of leading with this judgment. And she was, you know, she felt you were persuading her to be a certain way.

Because all those, I mean, those are all very negative traits. But there's clear, again, I think it would be best for this person if she truly loves and cares about her friend and wants to be close to her is to say, what do you love about this relationship? Right. Like you said from a non-judgmental way, it reminded me of when you were talking about having kids. and not wanting them to be friends with certain kids. Right. Like the motivational interviewing thing. Right.

Right. You can ban them from being friends with the kids, but that's probably not going to work as well as just coming at them from a non-judgmental way and just seeing how they feel about the person. Totally. So I think the advice here is to don't stress about the maid of honor thing right now. I don't think you're there yet.

I would put that on the back burner and just maybe have a talk with her where you open up dial. and say, you know, I just wanted to check back in. I know you were feeling kind of on the fence about things when I came to visit. What are you feeling now? And I know, you know, there must be some things that you love about him. What do you love about him?

And finding out a little bit deeper and either she's going to give you some stuff that maybe might make you feel better about it or maybe she'll end up doing the thing where she's like, yeah, you know, I love that I'm comfortable, but there's not much else there. Maybe she'll talk herself into it if you give her the space. I mean, talk herself into breaking up with him if you give her the space and the support that she needs. Yeah, I think that's the way to go. Keep us posted. All right.

Let's play some trigger. You ready? Yeah, let's do some triggered. Hello, huge fan of all things, betches, and love the new pot. I have a triggered situation. I just had a baby almost two months ago and my husband and I are over the moon after struggling with almost two years of IVF. I live in Colorado. My dad's stepmom and sister live on the East Coast. My dad has yet to visit his grandson. It's his first grandchild and he is more than comfortable financially and has been retired for

years. He has stated it's because he hates air travel but has been on two trips since he was born, both longer than the trip to visit us. He left my mom and I when I was a few months old, but I grew up visiting him and now we have a pretty decent relationship and I'm very close with my stepmom and half sisters. He's flying all of the them out in a few months to meet my son, which is great, but I can't help but feel a little hurt. It will have taken almost four months for him to come visit. I know if it was one of my half-sisters who grew up living with him, he would have been out the first week.

Thanks in advance for any perspective or thoughts here. Love Daddy Issues, Betch. Ooh. This is a good one. Yeah. To me, it seems a lot more about the underlying issue that she has of feeling. Like this, to me, it's an example. of something that is clearly a deeper issue for her,

which is feeling less loved by her dad than he feels towards her half siblings that grew up in his house. Totally. Yep. Thought the same thing. And I think it's just kind of like a, you know, it's just a moment that's bringing up these issues,

which are coming up for a reason and I think are worthy of being addressed. You know, we spoke about this a few weeks ago, the idea of like mixed families and who you grow up in the house. house with versus not and how that can really change the dynamic of the level of closeness. So I think there's a bit of her that says if it was her half-sisters, he would have been out the first week because they grew up living in the house with him. And I could see why that would

feel kind of hurtful because it's her dad just the same. And I think there's something important here to talk about, which is the concept of changing a relationship, a parental, relationship in adulthood. You know, so like you grew up one way. You grew up being a little bit distant and he was like a visiting father. But it sounds like she has a craving to have like the father relationship that she wanted, you know, like the father that's going to come out the second the baby's born. He's going to hop on a plane and he's going to fly out there the way, yeah, most fathers probably

would if their daughter had a baby. They'd want to be on the next flight out. So I think she's wanting that. but in order for you to make that change now, which is possible, it's probably going to take some conversation and leaning into difficult emotions. So he's coming out.

My advice is find some time alone with him and don't make it about like, I can't believe it took you four months to meet my son. I would make it more about, I would like to be close to you the way you are to my sisters. Like I'm a little bit jealous of that relationship or however she feels.

and I would like to try to cultivate a different level of closeness now that I have a son and I want you to be a grandfather and just be vulnerable with him and let him know. Like I'd like to change the level of closeness that we had growing up to what we kind of, what I'd like to have moving forward. Here's another question because I feel like with families you kind of assume that you can cultivate that. But what if it just doesn't feel that natural? like what if they just feel naturally closer

to the ones that grew up there they're more like him maybe because they were raised in the same house or there's just like a a different personality that goes better with his like what do you do I imagine that feels extremely personal if that's the case or sometimes it can feel like you're trying

to force a closeness that just isn't there she didn't say anything to indicate that but I feel like you know especially with us coming from such a big family sometimes it's like you do just naturally get along better with some people than others. And it can be hard if one person wants to be closer, right? The other person is interested in being. Right. No, I agree. And I do think it's something that is not going to happen by itself. Like, I think if they both

leave this alone, it's not going to happen. Because I do think there is probably like a natural tendency for him to be closer and more connected to the daughters that he grew up raising in the house. But I think if she wants it, the only first step she has is to communicate that and give him an opportunity to try to do things differently. I think it can be done, but it's going to take effort. You're right. It's not going to be as natural as it is, probably with the other ones, but I think it can be done. I do think there's like a shift that happens when there's a new generation of kids involved. and I think that is sometimes often a time where you can make a different shift

and change a parental relationship. So I think she can try, express herself and see there's a good chance that he's not going to be willing to put in the effort that it's going to take to increase their closeness. That's very possible. But at least if she doesn't express, she only has one father, right?

He has however many daughters. So he might not be on that. the same, you know, he might not have the same need for that closeness because he has it. However that comes out, that's probably the truth. But she only has one father and she can say, look, you're my only father and I really would like to be closer and at least give him a chance to realize, okay, she's his daughter just as much as the others and she's asking me for closeness. And yeah, he's probably going to have to make himself a little bit uncomfortable in order to make it happen. Yeah. And I agree the way to do that is by telling them how much you

you like the good things that they're doing. I love having you guys here. I love, you know, that you're, that you came here because that makes someone, I think a lot of the time, especially with family, because you feel so close. It's very easy to say, like, and you didn't do this and you didn't do that. And I remember my therapist once suggested a book was called Don't Shoot the Dog. It was basically about like animal training and how it could relate to like human training or training someone that you want to get them to do something.

It was basically about like dolphin trainers. the person who wrote it's a dolphin trainer. And like dolphins don't respond well to like negative like punishment. Right. They only really respond to positive. So it's like giving them a treat or doing something positive.

The analogy he used was basically like if you call your mom and you haven't called your mom in a month and your mom says and you haven't and she spends the first five minutes screaming at you for not calling her, you want to call your mom less. Right.

Right. But if you call your mom and she says, oh, I'm so glad you called. I love speaking to you. It's so amazing to hear your voice. You made me feel so good. You made my day. Then you're like, oh, like, this feels good.

Let me call again. Yes. I want to do that. It's so true. And it's funny that it's dolphins because I mean, I'm not an animal expert, but I've definitely heard that, you know, they're one of the more intelligent species

and similarly to humans, you know, like, right. Big picture, we're not going to respond well to, you know, that type of thing. The same way dolphins are like, I don't need to deal with this. I'm just going to like swim far away or I'm not going to do the trick if you beat me.

I'm going to cry in the corner. And I'm just going to isolate and not move. I'm not going to like be more likely to do the trick. I'll be more likely to do the trick if you give me a piece of fish. So it's interesting that dolphins have that same. Right. Exactly. And you give me the positive association of like,

oh, this feels warm and nice when I do the thing. Totally. Totally. So yeah, I think this is, to me it seems like this is worth having a conversation. He's coming out in person. I think it would be a great time to do it. And look, you're going to be putting yourself out there. There's a chance that he may not be willing to make the effort. And that's going to be really hard. And it's going to be a grief process that you're going to have to go through. But I do think there's a chance here that you can take, again, take this pain that you're feeling and turn it into something that ends up being better in the long run. I agree. All right, let's do another one. Hey, y'all. I just want to start by saying I'm obsessed with the podcast. I've listened to Joanna for years,

specifically because I love her nuanced and balanced advice. I wrote this email, by the way. When discussing interpersonal relationships, and even listened to brides for the same reason. Okay, onto my triggered interaction. I was at a comedy show a week ago, and the girl sitting in front of me kept leaning back and flipping her hair,

which would then subsequently hit me in the legs or arms and have the ends land in my drink. This wasn't like a once or twice type of thing. It happened a dozen times in 10 to 15 minutes. Not only was it distracting and annoying, but also gross. I mean, I don't particularly prefer hair in my vodka soda. Thank you very much. After I 15 minutes in, when it became clear that she wasn't stopping, I politely tapped her on the shoulder and in my nicest customer service voice said, hey, I'm so sorry and I'm sure you're not aware, but whenever you're flipping your hair, your ends are landing in my drink. Your curls look so pretty. I'm sure you don't want to get them wet. she kind of huffed gave me a rude look and said Ugh whatever fine sorry I guess

Before turning to her friend and saying loud enough for me to hear Some old bitch is complaining about my hair Like I can't Her response across the board was annoying Since I tried to be as polite as possible And even complimented her hair It really did look good and I wouldn't have wanted to get it wet If it were me

But the old comment has been living rent free in my head For the last week She only looked to be about 21 or 22, but like I'm only 28. When the fuck did that become old? I'm not typically sensitive about aging and I have a great job, amazing friends, close relationships to my family. So it's not like I fear getting older because I'm worried that I'm not far enough along

in my life. I love how she's just projecting. She's thinking this to comment so far down the road or something like that. But I can't shake it. That comment really triggered me. Am I being overly sensitive about being called old by some random Gen Zier signed gray hairs, do care, betch? This is really funny.

It made me think of I had this experience. I went with Jeff to one of his high school reunions. This was a while back. And it was at this, you know, very popular bar in Rockville Center where there were a lot of like 20-somethings that go there every weekend. But they happened to rent out this one room for the high school reunion. It might have been like, I don't know, maybe like a 20th reunion or a 15th reunion. And I remember going to, and I went with him and I went to the bathroom.

And I heard this girl say to her friends, like, why are there so many, old people here tonight. I was like, oh my God, she's talking about me. Yeah. So I remember. I'm the old person. Yeah, I'm the old person that these young people are talking about. So I think this is all relative, right?

You know, like, and even at the time, this was probably 10 years ago. So maybe when that, maybe it was a whatever it was. It was at least, we still lived in Rockville Center. So it was at least, you know, probably eight years ago. So I was like, my. much younger than I am now. And at that point, she was calling me old. So don't loop me in with these people.

So I think this is all relative. I think to, first of all, I do think this is triggering. But to a 21-year-old, a 28-year-old is old. To a 28-year-old, a 38-year-old is old. You know, it's just like all kind of relative. You know, I remember being in college and dating a guy who was like, I don't know, maybe 30. And I was like, oh my God, he's so old.

Like this is, he's ancient. Yeah. At the time, it felt like an old man. And that was, you know, now I'm 43. So. Yeah. And clearly this girl was feeling self-conscious, so felt the need to say something rude. And if that's the best thing that she could come up with, like, fine.

Yeah. I mean, look, I think anyone would be triggered hearing that. Yeah. And that was so mean. It sounds like she was so kind when she, I want to give you a lot of credit to think of that on the spot to like compliment her hair, say it really nicely, be like, I just don't want your hair to get wet. Like it was a really, really nice way of asking her to please stop. So, yeah, this girl sounds really rude and not nice. But I wouldn't, as far as the old thing, it's all relative.

You probably are old to her to a 21 year old. Yeah, everyone's old to someone. I mean, your kids are, like, even when they were born and I was so young, probably thought it was like 100. I think, you know, you're like, guess my age? And they're like 45 when you're like 26. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So, you know, I would brush it off.

I wouldn't take it as a reflection on your life's accomplishments as she was. Totally. Seemed to have gone. You're giving this person a lot more power. Totally. I mean, look, I could see. There's like that little moment where you're like, you know, okay, I'm 28 and, you know, you have a fleeting moment of maybe I should be at a different

place in my life, which it sounds like she did because she gave a whole explanation of. It's not that I'm worried that I'm not far long in my life or, you know, so obviously she was for a second, maybe a fleeting moment worried about that and it entered her mind, but I would let it float right away and realize that you're always going to be old to somebody who's younger than you. And you're You're going to be young to someone who's older than you. Exactly. That's the beauty of that. I mean, 28 to me, I'm 43.

You're a spring chicken, so. Take that. Exactly. All right, let's do one more. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, love the podcast. I find that I pick up good insights, even when I don't directly relate to the topic you're talking about that day. Well, thank you.

My question today is about my wedding. I've been married for about eight weeks now. My dad and I have always had a good relationship, and my whole family is extremely close. In the months leading up to the wedding, I frequently asked him what song he wanted us to dance to because he's a known procrastinator. True to form, he picked the song and requested that we learned choreography one week before the wedding, which led to a lot of last minute stress for me. However, I never even thought to remind him to write a wedding speech and assumed he had it under control.

I'm the first born and he'd been talking for months about how excited he was about the wedding and how it's the biggest thing to happen to our family in years. Jumped to the wedding day. He starts off his toast by telling everyone I've been nagging him for months to write the speech and then he goes off on a tangent about how he is quote unquote winging it and how funny it can be. Then he talked about how I had an attitude when I was little, how I hated the one dance class I attended and wouldn't participate and how shy I always was. Then he moved on to how glad he is that I found my fiance because he's a great outgoing guy. He went on to say more nice things about my fiancee and then ended with, I hope this is a long and happy marriage. My fiance's dad was

his best man, Southern tradition, and so he also gave a speech. And in his, he absolutely gushed about both of us individually and as a couple and how happy he was about our marriage and to have me as a daughter. On the wedding day, I was so firmly on cloud nine about my new husband that I only sort of noticed that my dad's speech was odd, but in the days and weeks afterwards, as I reflected back on it, I started to feel more and more hurt that he didn't say one single nice thing about me in my wedding toast. Several friends commented on it as well, and when our wedding video came out, none of the audio from his speech was included, rightfully so. There's obviously nothing I can do to change the situation now, and I haven't brought it up to him because I'm not sure what I'm hoping

to accomplish. But am I right to feel triggered that my dad wasn't loving or kind about me in his toast at my wedding when we have always had a good relationship? Thanks for your help, hurt feelings, bitch. This is an interesting one. Yeah. It's funny. I want to if she would have felt the same way if the fiancé's dad didn't do a, you know, I guess supposedly much better speech. Right. Because a lot of the times the speeches are only as good as bad as what comes before or after them. Totally. Right. I guess that's true. Yeah. Another thing to consider is like your dad's personality type. Like is he the guy that's always making jokes and like not a super sentimental guy and is uncomfortable with that thing? Like was this an out of character speech for him? Or is

like a really sweet, loving, doting, like always says really sweet stuff kind of guy. And this, you know, came out of nowhere. Right. I thought was along a similar track where if she was asking him about this dance and he was focused on this dance because she was asking him and maybe he thought that that was like super important to her, then he didn't make time to write the speech. And I think for someone who might not be good at being like mushy and. and sappy and he's doing it on the fly,

I think it's easier for some people, like you said, if they have that personality, to just make it into a joke. And it's easier for them to be like, joky if you want, and I've seen this at a lot of weddings. Like the dad that's not super emotional, like you could tell that they have to, like,

write it down in order to do the emotional thing. They have to prepare it, write it, plan it, because it's not something that's just going to come off the cuff. they're just giving a speech. So I think, I mean, if she has a great relationship in general with him, I don't think that if he is the type that has a hard time with like soft emotions, I would just chalk it up to the fact that he probably didn't prepare, which she said true to form.

He probably didn't prepare. And in order for him to express softer emotions, he probably would have needed to kind of like psych himself up and write a speech and prepare for it. So I don't think it said he doesn't feel that way. I could see why it felt kind of embarrassing that her own dad didn't have anything nice to say about her. But I don't, if that's his personality, I don't think it necessarily is a reflection on his feelings for her, more just his inability to speak about more soft emotions without being prepared to do so. Right.

Do you think it would be worth saying something or is this the kind of thing where you should just kind of let it go? I mean, if it's still bothering her this far out, I think. she could say something just like I know we have the closest relationship and I know you love me a lot and it was kind of embarrassing that you didn't have anything nice to say during the speech. I think she can say that, especially if you say it in this way of like, I was just so shocked because I do feel loved by you and I know we have a great relationship. So I'm wondering what that was about. And maybe he would be self-aware enough to say I was really nervous and feelings are not my thing and I'm sorry. Right. Yeah, no, that's totally possible. I don't know what she's more

upset about the fact that she's kind of embarrassed about it or is she unaware, does she feel like he doesn't feel sweetly towards her? Right. I think those are two different things because sometimes it's kind of like someone just didn't really understand the assignment. Right. My dad's speech at my wedding was a little bit like that. He did like a whole list of like my other sisters and the great quality. Like he started off with like a list about that, which I mean, I think I remember even hearing it. I was like, this is a little off color. I just don't think he like fully got what a the crux of a wedding speech necessarily was supposed to be. And it was almost kind of cute in a you didn't fully get the assignment kind of way. Yes. Well, I do think there, he was so

empathic that I think he was aware of not wanting to hurt anyone else's feelings by saying to me nice things about you, but like that's the whole point. So like, yeah, he did kind of like miss the assignment. Yeah, a little bit. But it's also kind of like, do you know what I mean? do feel like there were other speech and for for this person I would concentrate on what you loved about the other speeches and the fact that you had even one speech like that where you felt like was amazing really like usually not not every speech at a wedding is made equally and someone's got to give the worst one right and I think what people don't realize about yeah somebody's got to give the worst one I think what people don't realize is a lot of people are really scared and petrified at public speaking.

So when you're asking people to speak, I think you have to be mindful of if you want it. Right. If you want it to come out well. And also just out of consideration. Like I've seen weddings where somebody puts up a bridesmaid that's like shaking. And it's just like it's not even nice at that. point. Yeah.

You know, like, I feel like terrible for the person. So I don't know if he was nervous or what his situation was, but I think you have to be mindful of like, you know, maybe you just want to ask them to write a speech down and if they feel comfortable giving it. So that way you can get the sentiment from them, but they don't necessarily have to be put on the spot, which I think takes some of it away. That's a great point. I don't think anyone ever thinks about that with weddings because you should assume, okay,

the father or the bride is going to give a speech. This person's going to a speech. But like, why not give people the job? that they were born to do. Right. Why not, you know, if, again, their dad could have written it down, maybe he's not a good speech giver and then given her the note, like, privately. Yes.

Or some people, everyone expresses their love for you in a different way. Maybe he thought, again, maybe he thought he was doing it with the dance routine. Yes. Yeah. And then maybe he was just on the spot and not realizing what to do. And it was like, all right, I'm just going to try to be funny. Right. Yeah.

I think he was leaning on funny because he probably thought that was the assignment. and that probably left you feeling. And I've seen speeches like that too. I went to a wedding once. It was kind of brutal that the father of the bride. It was an interfaith marriage, Jewish and Christian. And he did this whole speech where he put on like rubber gloves and said, all right, groom, come on up here.

We're going to do the circumcision right here in front of everybody. Let's get it done. And it was just like. It did not go over well. I think he was just trying to be really funny. And some people thought it was funny. But I think it caused a bit of a argument. And this was at the rehearsal dinner, actually.

So it was like the night before the wedding. Yeah. So I think people lean on funny. They're trying to entertain the crowd and not realizing maybe that there's a lot of you. Yeah. There's deeper emotions. And some people would prefer. It's more of a crowd pleaser to be funny,

but it's probably more beneficial for the person that you're actually talking. too to just be kind of more sentimental. Right. But again, it's a very hard thing to do. It's not like a skill that everyone has. Your speech was great at my wedding, by the way. Oh, thanks. But I was nervous too.

I was extremely nervous. You know, it kind of like doesn't ruin it, but it kind of like, for the person giving it until it's over, you're not really able to enjoy. You know? If you're not someone who's super comfortable with that, you're like, how many drinks can I have before the speech?

and like I want to just want to kind of get this done with. And it feels great once it's over. And I felt great giving your speech and like so connected and like loving. And I'm so glad that I did it. I guess that's the flip side, right? You kind of can put someone under the pressure. And then everyone feels so amazing once it's done. And you've kind of, you know, conquered this fear.

So there are some benefits to it. But I think for some people, the anxiety is just like not worth it. Yeah. So if you're getting married, remember not everyone who's supposed to give a speech needs to give a speech. Right. People who are in that wheelhouse are probably the best people do that. But in that vein, I think, unless it's truly still bothering her even after she hears this discussion, I would kind of just let it go personally.

Because unless again, you do feel like it's a reflection, very out of character or reflection of your dad's feelings towards you. And just put it in the bucket of like, this was not something that he was really good at. And, you know, think about the other ways that he was there for you on the big day. and I would let it go, but I don't think there's anything wrong if it's still really bothering you to say something, but just knowing it's a tough thing to say to someone

because it's not like they could redo it. Totally. Yeah. And I mean, I think he might be able to make her feel, if there is a doubt that he really feels those things or that he feels warm feelings towards her, then maybe it's worth her doing it just to get some reassurance. Like, yes, honey, I have, like,

I love all these things about you. There are all these wonderful things about you. I just didn't save them that day because I was on the spot or whatever. So maybe if she needs some of that, she can go to him. But I also do think if she can give that to herself just by remembering all the moments that they've had in all the ways that he's been good to her. I just, again, think it comes back to like speeches are not for everybody.

And this may not necessarily, you know, be indicative of his feelings. Right. Towards you. Another idea is maybe you have one person write the speech and then you have a different person read the speech. And then you can give two people an honor. Like, okay, the brother is going to read the father's speech or the, you know, best friend is going to read the mother's speech or, you know. I see that a lot with vows sometimes with like the rabbi, whoever's officiating, reads like a letter that the couple wrote to each other and they read it out loud instead of like, this is what, you know, John had to say about Susie and this is what Susie had to say when I, like, which I think is a nice part about vows.

they don't really have a similar situation for speeches. Right. Yeah, because it probably just makes some people just way too anxious to even enjoy themselves. Totally. A lot of pressure. High pressure day. So I just realized we haven't really rated

any of our triggered situations. We just kind of flew through them. Let's do a rapid fire rating. Okay. Ready? Doesn't visit his first grandchild, visits them four months later. I'd give it a five

because he's paying for the whole family to fly up. All right, sounds good. Number two. Number two. The hair and the drink. The hair and the drink with the old bitch comment. Yeah, the old bitch comment. I'd give it a seven because she was being really nice

and she called her a bitch and was not receptive to her putting herself out there in a nice way. Yeah. Okay, I agree. And last but not least, dad gives a insulting speech. I'd also give that a seven because when you, Because then you almost have like the post-party depression and it can go through your head. Right. I think it's more about like you reflecting on the day and then second-guessing yourself about all different parts of it.

So I could see having a wedding, I think it's natural to do that or like, what did everyone think about this thing or that thing? Did that go well? And no one's thinking about it nearly as much as you or probably at all after your wedding. But I could see why she would be in the throes of that like second-guessing all this stuff. So I'd give it a seven as well. All right. A successful round of triggered. Yes. All right. I think that's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morelas Picoe, and Rebecca Salis McHan.

Editing by Massilio Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Friedlander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294.