Oversharing - Coping With Grief In Public

Episode Date: February 25, 2025

Trigger warning: this episode contains mention of child loss. This week, Jordana and Dr. Naomi discuss how to feel comfortable in your skin without being totally put together. Our Overshare comes from a Betch whose relationship has been impacted by his career change. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a listener feeling slighted after her boyfriend’s family excluded her from a trip. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for how to participate in social obligations that remind you of your own devastating loss. And, in our “Sweet Release” segment sponsored by Angry Orchard, we’re feeling triggered by group trip planning on uneven budgets and flagrant copycats. If you’d like to get these episodes a day early and ad-free, plus two bonus episodes per month where we answer more emails and have follow-up conversations with listeners for real-time advice, make sure to subscribe at subscribe.betches.com! Check out our episodes under the Oversharing playlist at YouTube.com/@betches Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I think this is flattering, personally. I think it's flattering, too, but it is, it's inching on creepy. A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham.

And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How are you doing? doing okay what's going on with you it's uh i'm in that like february slump of like feeling like my my like look and my vibe kind of reflects the weather of um just being i don't know like a less optimal version of myself and i was thinking about that the other day because i said a few weeks back I went to L.A. for work. And I got off the plane and I was staying in Beverly Hills, which is like a quite fancy spot.

But it's also just like so sunny. It's like the perfect weather. Everything's so clean. And I'm like all of a sudden it felt like my New York self was like not good enough. Yes. I felt like this. It was just so interesting how your environment can like. And I guess like the other people you say.

see on the street just affect how you feel about yourself. Like I felt like I had been knocked down like four points of attractiveness. And like everyone just seemed so much more like energized and vibrant. And I was like, I don't know. I was like I almost want to go back to where I was so I can feel better about myself. Yes, yes. But it made me think about like, I feel like your happiness is so determined by, you. your neighbor like almost like you're one your vibe but two like what everyone else is doing like

like are we all collectively like not leaving the house without makeup and looking super fit or are we all collectively like in the it doesn't matter what we're wearing or what we look like because it's 20 degrees out and no one cares yes i think there's also like there is like a bit of a survival mode like blanket that takes over when it's like 20 degrees and you're like, I'm lucky I'm even leaving my apartment today. I'm lucky I'm even getting out here. So however I show up is how I show up. And we all agree on that.

And it feels better than I could totally see. It's funny. It's like you got warped. I mean, you got on a plane and you flew to a different place where there's like a totally different, like acceptable amount of effort that you're going to put into showing up in the world. And you're like, whoa, I just got plopped into this place. Exactly. And I don't fit in anymore.

But it is interesting to notice that you are showing up exactly the same way and how easily it, how subconsciously we're comparing ourselves to the people around us all of the time without even noticing it. Right. Yeah, and it feels better in one place and another place. It doesn't feel like it's enough. And I don't know what even like the solution to that is, but like I felt myself feeling much more insecure as I became around this like ultra put together crowd. And then I had a filmed thing that we had done there. So I got hair and makeup done for it. And then when I had the hair and makeup done, I was like, okay. I can I can leave the. I can leave. hotel room. Yeah. Um, socially acceptable. So interesting. Yeah. And it really, it is true. Like, you just, sometimes you just want to show up as you are. And so maybe that is a nice thing about like the collective, what did you call it, like laundry basket. Hamper, hamper girls. Yeah. Like there's something nice about like the collective hamper girls of like, we're just showing up in the biggest sweats and

the biggest sweatshirt that we can find and we're all going to be cool with it. There's something comfy, cozy about that. And, you know, I guess maybe if this happens again, you have two choices, right? You're like, okay, I'm going to go back and put myself together like you did and then pop back up out of your little rabbit hole and be like, okay, guys, it got the memo. Right. Well, it got me thinking about that. Yeah, it got me thinking about that, like, are we supposed to?

because part, you know, part of the messaging from society is like, be yourself and like, don't pay attention to what anyone else is doing and, um, just focus on you. And the other half is also like, but we're always striving to improve and be better and, um, like, recognize your surroundings. So it's kind of like a, I'm always almost not sure like how hard I should try. Right. You know, yeah, especially. I think this hits me, especially when it comes to like physical appearance. Like I think with, I don't know, I think it's easier for some reason when it's like, okay, in my career or like in my, how tidy I keep my home or these types of things, you can kind of talk yourself in or out.

But there's something about being in the physical presence of other people that look like they kind of have their shit together more than you do that makes you almost want to like sink back into your chair and like not like you want to just like not be out there it makes you not want to like be forward and be seen so one solution is go home fix yourself come back out and be like okay now I feel better now I can be myself like I can just not have to be myself not have to be myself not have my mind filled with worries about other people judging me. Right. I can get to like the minimum level of maybe not professional hair and makeup, but like enough

where I'm like, okay, like I don't have to be embarrassed if I run into someone I know on the street with like stains on my sweatpants. Right. The protocol is no stains, no sweatpants, put on a little makeup like, sure, do my hair or whatever it is. The other option is you try to conjure up a mindset. which I've seen people, I'm sure you have too, that really are just kind of like, I feel proud. Like, it fills me and fuels me enough that I'm not wasting my energy on that stuff, that I can show up.

And that's why I think like 20 year old girls can pull it off better than 45 year old women. Right. Because they're just like so youthful and like probably confident that they can show up in their hamper look. still feel good about it. But I do think there's something and kind of conjuring up that mindset of like, this isn't that important to me. Like I was thinking about other things or I was being in the moment or like whatever bigger picture meaningful things you have going on in your life that were more important than like contouring your nose and like putting on your highlighter and whatever and like feeling kind of good about that. Yeah. No, I think that's true. I think it's long

It's tough because I'm like, where is the level between that and like, are you okay? Right. That's what I think it is. Yeah. I don't want to look like I'm not, I'm not like unwell. Yes. I've definitely showed up to places before. Like if I'm not expecting to have a social interaction.

Yeah. And then all of a sudden I'm like standing amongst a group of people like and like mismatched PJs like in public. And I'm like with two different socks. Right. Like they're kind of like. I could tell they're thinking, like, are you okay? That's a tough spot. Yeah.

So I don't know what that line is. Maybe it's, again, no stains. Yes. No stains. Yes. And real pants, maybe the move. Yeah. Maybe.

I don't know. Yeah. I'm still learning where their line is. Having like your hair not looking like totally disheveled is a good start. I'm like makeup I don't think is necessary. I think just like yeah, real pants that are outside pants and like, brush your hair.

It's a slippery slope. That's a good start. Right. All right. I'll try that. But you're coming off the airplane. I totally, you're being popped into,

plopped into everybody else's like regular life when you just came off a plane with a time change and a different whole, different coast. So cut yourself some slack. No, it's true. I'm not out of my element. So maybe that's part of it. My name Cyrus said it best, you know, popped off the plane at LAX. Yes. She just had a dream on a cardigan. I mean, what's so bad about that? All right. Well, let's get into our episode. We've got some great emails. If you guys haven't listened to our subscription episodes yet, give it a try. You can do a seven-day. day free trial. See if you like it. Um, and we're now on YouTube. So I hope if you're watching this on

YouTube, hello, we're waving. Um, adds a little extra element of, you know, body language, facial expressions, all that. Yeah. Um, so check it out if you haven't already subscribe. It's free to subscribe on YouTube. Come join the fam. Join the subscription fam. It's like a, uh, I feel a little, I know you've been doing it on you up, um, but it feels like a little bit safer to kind to go there when you know you're with like your hardcore people. So exactly. And one of the safest places to be is one of your therapy groups. Do you have any room in any of those?

Yes. Yes. I definitely have room. They're rolling admission. So come to Naomi Bernstein.com. You can find out all the information. If you have questions, fill out a form. We will get that probably get back to you within the same day or two at the latest.

and get you into one of our groups. I love having our listeners in there. So come join us. And people love those groups. So there's so many ways you can get involved with the show if you like it. And yeah, we appreciate all of the little ways that you get involved, whether it's writing a review,

leaving a comment on Spotify, subscribing to the YouTube page, paid subscription. We'll take it all. Yes. And all of our listeners that write these amazing, like every week, I'm just amazed by all these really,

insightful questions and people that are just deep thinkers and super introspective and so many questions. I mean, I see all the emails. There's so many questions. You guys are great at summarizing your thoughts. We love these these emails. And thank you for writing in. And if you want to leave us a voicemail, you can also leave us a voicemail at 646-363-6294. Or you can email us at oversharing at betches.com if you want your question. Right. Or if you have feedback, we might answer on a subscription fee. feedback episodes. So oversharing at betches.com. Let's jump in. I will do the first email. All right. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I'm one of your few male avid listeners of the podcast,

you up and oversharing. I don't know if you're one of the few. Maybe there's, there's many. They just don't write in as much. I think there's more men than you realize. Agreed. I really appreciate the insights I've learned from both podcasts. I've recently been transitioning into a new career and it has had quite the impact on my relationship of three years. I've transitioned from pursuing a very straightforward career as a doctor where each step is laid out with a very predictable timeline, medical school, residency, fellowship, etc., to a much more entrepreneurial career where nothing is promised. It has been about two years since I've made this transition and my girlfriend has always supported me from the get-go. I have shown consistent progress with some major bumps along the way,

but my hard work is starting to pay off big time. There has been about two years of pursuing this endeavor where I was making significant progress in the business, but this progress was not showing up financially. In fact, I was consistently losing money, even though I was improving on the business. Losing money was taking a serious toll on my ability to show up for my girlfriend in the way she was accustomed to during her two years of dating, going on dates, and also my ability to be as thoughtful as I once was because of how stressed I'd been. And this led to lots of resentment from her, and ironically, also led to lots of resentment from my side, as I felt she didn't understand. or appreciate the work that I'd been putting in to ultimately give us the life we've dreamt of

long term. As an entrepreneur, during those first couple of years, my mind was constantly consumed by the business and worrying about the future. And from her perspective, she felt like she'd been the only active partner pouring into the relationship. She's always supported me in tangible ways, but at times I felt like she hasn't emotionally supported me in the day-to-day conversations about the business. We've had many disagreements when it comes to my ability to show up for her emotional and financially while we went through the extremely difficult two years of building the business. And my explanation for my lack of emotional support had always been related to my lack of financial stability and the crazy emotional highs and lows that came along with trying to grow the

business. As we're starting to reap the benefits of my hard work and our delayed gratification, how can we let go of the hurt and resentment and many contentious disagreements that we've had along the way? Thanks for all the sage advice and entertainment. What do you think? All right. I think this is a great question because I honestly, he's going into business. This is not the only time that he's going to have this stressful situation that's affecting their relationship. And I think helping couples when one or both people are really stressed is something I really like to do because it's a lot of couples.

And when one person is so stressed out about what they have going on, that they're thinking about it when they're doing it and they're thinking about it when they're not doing it, it really takes a toll on the relationship. And I could see how the dynamic happened where she started to lean out a little bit when he's talking about his work stress because she starts to see his work stress as like the enemy of their relationship. So instead of being able to be like, okay, tell me about what happened there. Like, let's unpack that interaction that you had. She's like, oh, gosh, we're doing this again. Like, this is all you think about. This is all you talk about. We're not connecting. Yes. And then coupled with, again, him doing less than he did

before. I think it probably makes her resentful of the whole thing. But then he doesn't feel supported. and then it becomes like a cycle of just like not being on the same page. Yeah. Right. So how do you help couples deal with this kind of thing? Yeah. So I really think that for him, right, if he's stressed out and he's the one writing in, so let's start with him.

I think he has to notice when, okay, I'm stressed, is there something I can do about it? right these are some questions that I ask if someone's like but I'm so stressed okay what can are there things actionable things what can you do about this I could do xyz tomorrow I have to do xyz these are the things on my tomorrow list these are the things on my week from now months from now put it down on your to do list get it out of your head onto your to do list and then you have to notice like the emotions behind it right so one is like the actionable what do I have to do. And then one are like, what are the emotions behind it? I'm scared. I'm angry. Um, sad. Maybe he has a day where he wishes he was doing medicine again or maybe he's scared that he's not

going to be able to, you know, make ends meet for them or whatever it is. So approaching your partner and talking about like the feeling part. Like I don't know if you want to talk to her about the details. Logistics, yeah. Logistics. If that's helpful for you to, like have her there to just do a brainstorm, great. But I think talking about the emotional piece behind it, like I'm scared about this. I'm angry about that. I think is going to make her feel a little bit more connected to him instead of it just being event session.

Right. And event session is okay as long as it's not. Like I always find the repetitiveness of it is when you have to start to realize like, okay, I'm kind of saying this different version of the same thing every time I come home from work and it's not actually making me feel better. It's not making us feel connected. And what I tell couples to do is like if you want to feel better, you have to let your partner say to you, hey, and this is hard, but this is, we do it in couples therapy, be able to be like, hey, this seems like it's rumination.

Right. Like let's change, are you open to like changing the channel? Are you open to talking about something else? Or if it is something new and you really want her support, like letting her know what it is that you want from her. It's emotional or logistic or logistical or whatever. Great. But if it's just like this like rumination, which sometimes happens, you're worried about

the big picture. so you ruminate on some small detail. And either you're sharing that with her and you're, so you're just ruminating or you're with her in the room and your mind is doing that and you're just distracted. Checked out. Yeah. Neither way, you're not really connected. So sometimes I do think pulling the partner in, if you guys were in couples therapy,

I'd be like, okay, if this feels like it's rumination and you're just stressed out and like rolling this stuff over in your head for the 17th time. are you open to her saying, hey, there's nothing you could do about this right now in this moment? So maybe we could change the channel. Maybe we could watch a show. Maybe we could talk about something else. Maybe we could just like come over here. I just want to give you a hug.

I know how hard this is for you. Like I appreciate your hard work. So again, throwing in like that she realizes how hard it is. Yeah. I think it's like whatever he actually wants out of the situation with he wants. validation if he wants gratitude. It sounds like he wants a little bit of gratitude because he's writing like, okay, we're starting to like get the rewards of this.

I assume he means he's starting to make money and not lose money and like feel financially safer or like the business has hit a certain level. Right. So I think maybe there's there's this resentment of like, okay, while I was like, while it was, I was in the tough times, you weren't necessarily in my being supportive in the way that I wanted you to be supportive of. And like maybe now I don't like what can she do now? That part's over, right?

It's already over. The hardest times hopefully, supposedly are over. What makes, what's going to make him less resentful over like thinking back and being like, well, now it's fine and things are okay. But I remember. Yes. Yeah, that's what I think they are struggling with right now is like maybe I don't trust that you're going to, I think this happens a lot with couples.

Like I don't trust that you're going to be there. for me in a hard time because of the way you showed up for this thing. Okay. And I do think it's worth fleshing it out. Like what was hard for her? You know, like you. And I think he does have to take, I get it. Like you want part of a life partner isn't just like you're beautiful and you're sweet

and your kind. Part of it is like we're taking this journey together. Right. And we're partners. Like when I am going through something tough, I need you to be there to like lift me up and support me and be like a rock for me in some ways. And so he might be not having faith that she's going to be able to do that down the line if she wasn't able to do it now. And I think hearing her perspective on it, which I'm assuming was kind of like you were, I don't know, but like you were kind of obsessed with this thing. And I wanted us to be able to, even though things are stressful, still focus on us, which I think is important.

And maybe she wants her own gratitude of like whatever she endured because of the way that you were behaving during this whole thing. So maybe it's like he needs to feel like, oh, like, I'm grateful that you went through this hard time and you're working so hard to get us the life we've dreamt of, as he calls it. And he needs to say to her, like, and maybe he should have said to her during their whole hard time is like, I appreciate that you're being so understanding of me having to work these late nights or not being able to go on the trips that we used to go on or do all these things. Like I know it, I know it feels like this isn't the person you started dating. Yes. And that's hard too.

Because again, that's what people I think are really looking for in a life partner is like, How do you handle the tough stuff? So you're like, okay, we started off strong. Then we got when things got hard, we got really disconnected. And that might be scary for her too. Scary for him that she didn't support. And scary for her, like, I don't want a disconnected relationship whenever you get stressed, which is hard.

And I do think that your partner's there to sort of remind you. because our human, our nature is going to be to like get stuck in that rumination about whatever we're stressed about. Like just tunnel vision. I'm just stressed. I'm just in a bad mood. Whatever it is. I'm just stressed out right now.

And to kind of stop and be like, okay, how do you know you're in a bad mood? Like what are you actually experiencing? And can we together both remember that we can't just. tunnel vision down this road to bad mood town and not look back. Like we have to be able to say, hey, I know you're stressed out, nothing we could do about it. Let's reconnect and do it with like kindness. But I do think a lot of times couples, you have to kind of pull each other out of your

tendencies to hyper focus on stressful situations. Like there's a time when you need to and then there's a time when there's nothing you could do about it and you guys need to reconnect. So I agree. And he's just like how do he is like, how does he like go of the hurt and resentment? I think the only way to let go is through. Yeah. You have to bring it back up and like deal with it in the way that's healthy that you maybe you should have dealt with in the past, but you guys weren't communicating properly on it. So whether that's, I think you could, I mean, you could see a couple's therapist to sort of like, and I think that's people think that's such a bad sign if you're doing that and you're not married or you're not even

engaged. But to me, that's like the best way to resolve issues is like as they come up, not like years down the line when you're holding on to this resentment of how she didn't support you when you were building the business. Yes. Like the best thing to do is now as it's somewhat fresh and as you like express it as a genuine concern for how you guys resolve conflict. Yes. And I think if he could start off with like, you know, what you said, kind of like, appreciating her.

She was there. She was supportive. She was tolerating it. Was she the warmest while she was doing that? No. So, but I think you can express some appreciation of how hard it was just to kind of soften the room,

like, you know, soften the space a little bit. Right. Before you come in with like, I'm really upset that you weren't as supportive as I would have hoped through this and I'm hurt. And I would just kind of lean in with a little bit more.

appreciation for what she did do well. Right. During that time, acknowledging that it's hard. And I think there's some nice safety if you could also address, like, I want to work on this because I see this future together and life is going to throw tough stuff our way. And I want to be able to work on it differently. Right. And if you can learn from that experience, you can use it for whatever comes at you going

forward because there is going to be stuff. You can't really avoid that. And I think that's sort of the beauty of like marriage or a long-term relationship. Like people always talk about the negatives about it. But to me, like one of the biggest positives is you get to go through those lives ups and downs and like almost like the cumulative effect of going through like the longer you're together that you really have experienced like a full life with someone. So I think if you can figure out how to like get over that hump, you're going to have more. And you can build on this to like really create a really solid foundation. Yes. Totally agree. This is actually, I think this is like a perfect one. for you to start off with to just kind of be like, this is uncomfortable. I feel angry. It's hard to approach someone when you feel a little angry. Resentment implies anger. But I'm going to go through it and not brush it under the rug and kind of explore. What did we do well? What could we do differently next time? Yeah, a little report card. Yes, exactly. And try not to take it.

Try not to take it personally. It's just like you're a team. You're working on the relationship as a whole. So whatever you can do is, you know, in the best interest of the relationship. Agreed. Let's do a betchesist. Do you want to read this one? Yes, I will read this.

Hey, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. Back in August, my boyfriend floated the idea of me joining the family ski trip. We've been best friends for a year and a half and dating for about seven months. A romantic relationship wasn't a secret, but wasn't advertised to his parents due to a nasty breakup with his previous and only girlfriend and how protective he is with his family. He finally told them about a relationship over Thanksgiving and they were thrilled. When he talked to his parents about the trip over Christmas, they said they'd be delighted to have me, but couldn't because they already booked the house with only five bedrooms.

They're very religious and proper, so sharing a bedroom or having me on the couch was out of the question. I was so excited to go on the trip, get to know his family, and share one of my favorite hobbies with them. I felt very hurt by his lack of planning that ultimately left me with an expensive ski pass I'll never use as we live in Texas. I drove him to the airport yesterday and he's in Colorado now sending pictures of the family, asking me what ski gear to buy and showing me what they're up to. I understand he's excited, but I'm left at home feeling bitter and frankly pissed. Am I allowed to feel left out and robbed of a trip feeling frosty in Texas. Yeah, I think I would feel left out and robbed of a trip in the same scenario. I'm confused as to why he let her buy this ski pass. Yeah,

that part is annoying. It does feel like from the email, and we don't have all the details, that there's something left out of the story, something about the parents, something about the way that was like relayed to her, something about the strictness of the rules. Like, at what point did she buy the ski pass? I agree. The way that he was, like, worried about introducing her and then he introduced her and then he introduced her and they were thrilled. I don't know. There's, doesn't there seem like there's something missing here?

I agree. Something does seem a little off. One, there's five bedrooms. I don't know if there's a sister or, like, you know, I don't know where the couch comes in or. Right. They're so proper. they don't want anyone sleeping on a couch at any point. Right.

Yeah. I mean, I guess it does. And then you're right. Why buy the ski pass before you get the okay? Something there seems off. So that part I could see getting annoyed about. And I think she's bringing up, it's almost like, well, what is the timeline with which he told his family have to do with it?

And I think it is more, that's a bigger piece of it, that he didn't tell them. right away. He asked them about her going on the trip very late. Right. He's scared about something about him and his family where he is like afraid to bring someone into the fold. Yes. And I can understand being like, oh, I was invited on the ski trip and then I got disinvited. And now you're like sending me all the pictures of all the like amazing mountain, whatever stuff. If it was like, if he had asked them before he asked her, I think maybe it would be. different. Like it seems like he discussed it with her and then brought it to them and it wasn't going to work. Right. And honestly, I don't blame him for that. I mean, he wants to know if she

wants to go first. I don't blame him. I just, if it is what it appears, it's annoying and I would feel left out. And I, you know, any trip that you're almost going to go on, even if you just got sick and couldn't go and you're getting pictures of it, you're going to feel kind of bummed and FOMO and left out. Surprise he didn't offer to reimburse you for the ski lift ticket. Yeah, totally. I don't even know. That part's weird, the buying of the ski lift ticket before you had confirmation.

I guess they were just so excited. The other option that I thought about that I don't know why they didn't do is like maybe she could have just gotten a hotel room unless she really doesn't have the money for it or couldn't afford to do that on her own. But she could have just gotten her own place to stay if she really wanted to go. That's why I'm like, I feel like there's something missing here where, like, I don't know if the way he's relaying what the parents said is accurate or something else. But I would, I think you could definitely say something to him.

Yeah. A little bit of a read the room situation also. Right. Right. Yeah. I mean, but on it, to take a little bit of a left turn, that's always a hard thing, right? Like you're sending pictures. Like, even if I go on a warm trip, like we went on a warm trip to Mexico and everyone's back home here and it's like 20 degrees.

and you're sending pictures like of your sunny, warm vacation. Like sometimes it kind of feels like, I don't know. I think it would, I think it would feel worse if you invited us on the trip. And then, yes. And then told us that there was actually no room for us. And then we're like, would you still set, would you send pictures? Right. I don't think anyone would blame you for doing something fun.

Right. Especially if he could be peppering it with, wish you were here, miss you so much. Like, I'm so sorry that it didn't work out. do something similar together. Like I think that would make it better. I don't know if that's happening, but if he's also just kind of like apologetic about how it turned out, I think that would help too.

Yeah. I mean, I think it would help the most if he reimbursed her for the ski lift tickets. Yeah. Those are expensive. It's crazy. It's really expensive. Yeah. Really expensive.

I could see why that's a bummer or like, yeah, let's come back here in a year. And this is one of those, to me, almost like classic seven-month fights that they're not having. Yeah. It seems like there is something. Like maybe the parents think it's too soon for him to be dating someone else or. That's what I'm saying. There's something with the parents that's like not particularly being said, I think, here. And like they're in the phase of their relationship where she doesn't, they probably haven't had a big fight before.

She doesn't want to rock the boat. She doesn't want to, like, say she's really annoyed by him sending her all these pictures. They're seven months in. But this is kind of like the phase where, like, a fling could become a deep relationship. Yeah. And I think it becomes a deep relationship by being a little vulnerable and expressing that you're a little annoyed. Yeah. And, like, hoping the person, you know, reacts the way you want them to react.

And it becomes a stronger relationship and doesn't dump you. Yes. And honestly, that's what you're describing is like the moment that like this first couple that we just spoke about, they're having this. I mean, it's a different thing, but they're having like this big, I'm anxious about how you're going to be as a life partner conversation. Right. And this couple's having the can I be safe with my feeling, telling you my feelings. Like are you going to be like your feelings are too much? We're not that serious. I think. what a lot of people kind of fear. Like if you come to him with like I felt left out or like even the whatever it is. And he's kind of like, whoa, your feelings are too much for me.

Now's the time to find out. Right. And it's funny because I think people judge like relationships by just how long they've lasted. But I think the real like it's a solid relationship isn't a one that you get to a year by not rocking the boat. Yes. A solid relationship is where you, this moment comes up. It becomes something that makes your relationship stronger by you expressing yourself in a really healthy way.

Yes. And this is a nice, light one. Yeah. Because I think anyone would agree. You'll get over it. Yeah, that like when you're sending me pictures of a trip I almost went on, it's going to make me feel a little upset. And hopefully he can handle that.

And I hope he comes back with like, either like you said, I'm going to reimburse you for the ski lift ticket or keep the ski lift ticket. or keep the ski lift ticket, let's save up money, let's go back, you know, next year at some point. And then you're like, whoa, okay, he's in. Like he wants to do this. He wants me to be involved with his family. Like, it's a big step to go on vacation with his family, which is why I think it's more than just the piece about like, oh, he's on a vacation

and he's sending me pictures and I have FOMO. I think it's more about how comfortable. can you be expressing that to him? How much does his family really want you around? Yeah. And you could say it makes me feel like your family doesn't actually because they didn't, you know, that we, I wasn't, the invitation was rescinded. It does make me feel like your family doesn't really want to get to know me or didn't really want me to come. Right. It seems like there could, I don't know, so I could be wrong. With a five bedroom house, it seems like they could have figured something out. That's what I'm saying. It just feels like weird.

that there wouldn't be a solution proposed to where? Or that they didn't try. Right. That they didn't seem like they tried that hard to make it happen. Even if it, even if he said to her, I know this is weird, but like maybe you could just come, get a hotel room nearby. I'll split it with you or like something or I understand if you can't, but I would love it if you did that. Just some gesture of like, I really want you to be there. I'm going to try really hard to make it work.

Right. Yeah, I think that would make her feel a lot better, I'd imagine. Yeah. All right. Well, yeah, time to hash this one out. The honeymoon's over. Yeah, that's the theme so far this episode. The only way out is through. Exactly. All right, let's do some intentions. We have a voicemail. And if you want to leave us a voicemail, 646, 363, 6294. But let's roll the tape. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I am calling with an intention. I do want to put a trigger warning in for baby loss. Just to give some background, I had a son who died in 2021. He would be four. It happened in the month of February. And fast forward to now,

I have two beautiful boys. I feel like I'm through the hardest part of my grief, and I feel like I can be happy again and enjoy, actually enjoy my life and just be like a fully present mom. But the reason I'm calling is I still, even with a lot of therapy and EMDR, have a very hard time. with funerals and baby showers. I would like to be there for my loved ones in a hard time for them and also like a fun time for them with baby showers. And I feel like I need an intention to be able to get through it. I can't even think about going to a baby shower.

And I would like to be able to. I would like to be able to enjoy a happy time for one of my friends. I know that I can be happy for them and sad for me, but I still get like a very visceral response to even thinking about it or having an invitation. So I would really appreciate an intention for this. I've been a big fan of the show. I'm a subscriber to You Up and to this podcast. I actually started listening after my son passed away just to fill the room.

You guys have made me laugh for a really long time. I think you kept great advice and I love the show. Thank you. This is so hard. She sounds like a really amazing person. I'll start off by saying that, that she's even trying to tackle this. It's my initial reaction, if I'm being honest, is like you don't have to go. Right.

To any of that stuff. To any of that stuff. I know, like, lots of people experience loss, but, like, child loss, I think, is, like, hands down the one that. Something very different. Yeah. It's just the worst thing. Like, all losses are terrible.

But I think this is collectively agreed upon as, like, you get a pass. Like, you never have to go to a baby shower again. Right. I don't think that's the answer to this because she wants to go, but I will just say that I don't think she has to. Totally. And I think that there's probably a feeling in her mind of like, okay, I have, I have two sons now and I should be like moved past this. And my like my time, my time that I, that I get to be that person is now expired or like I have a happy ending subsequently. Right. And so I'm not entitled to be kind of like, trigger.

or have this visceral reaction to this thing that everyone else seems to, like, not have an issue with. Right. Yeah. I mean, I wish we had her here because I would want to know. I think you might be right, but I would want to know if that's it.

Is that why she feels like she really wants to push herself to go? Because she feels kind of like, okay, I do have two kids and I do want to be able to, like, it's, she's decided that it's enough time. or she can no longer use that reason. It doesn't feel like a legitimate reason for people. I don't know if that's what it is. But whatever it is, she's asking us for that. So I think if she does want to push herself to try to do this for whatever reason,

I think you have to do it, like as if you're trying to run a marathon, right? you're not just going to have expectations that your first shot at it. You're going to show up and you're going to, you know, run 26 miles and you're going to get it done. And you're going to love it. And you're going to love it. Well, first of all, yeah, exactly. I think you have to look at this as like, I'm trying this thing. That's a really hard thing.

And it's not going to be fun. I mean, I don't know. Maybe it would, but I doubt, you know, like I don't think you should go into it with the expectation that it's going to go great. I think you should just go into it with like a sense of like I said, like I'm proud of myself for trying this. And if I only last 10 minutes, I only last 10 minutes.

And then I'm going to give myself permission to leave if I want to leave after 10 minutes. Yes. And I think you could almost pre, especially if it's a good friend. I feel like I would only go to a baby shower if it's a good friend. Yeah. Someone I could text and say, hey, I want to be there for you so badly, like, because of what my experience, like this,

I'm a little worried that I'm going to feel uncomfortable or triggered or just like old memories are going to come back that I'm a little worried about. I'm going to try. I'm going to try to stop by. I can't guarantee I'm going to stay the whole time. If I leave early, just know it has nothing to do with you. But I really would like to try and be there. I definitely think she should get ahead of it.

let this person know, like, I love you. And I'm working towards wanting to be able to share in this joy in my, you know, my friend's lives. I'm working towards it. So one step in working towards it is exactly what you said. I'm going to stop by. Please understand if I have to leave early. And same thing for a funeral.

Yes. Totally. I would say. Yeah. Like, I think you could equally, I mean, it's tougher. It's almost tougher for a funeral because you don't want to like make it about you. But I think that this is. totally understandable. Yeah, I think it's understandable both. I think the harder thing,

I almost feel like the baby shower is harder because like if you're sad at a baby shower, it's like not the vibe, you know, like if she does start crying and it's at a funeral and it's like if she's crying for her own loss or she's crying for her friend's loss, like no one's really going to know. Right. But at a, because part of what we talk about, especially with something such a huge deep grief like this is like allowing yourself to have your feelings. But this is so tough because like you you really don't want to show up to a baby shower and just be like quietly crying in the corner. Right. Your friend probably wouldn't want you to show up in that way either. Right. I imagine. Right. That's why this is such a hard one because it's like you can't really

totally honor your feelings fully while being part of the event. Like if you want to honor the feelings that are coming up, you're probably going to have to leave the room. Right. The other piece of this is like, like we've talked about before. Like, let's say the whole baby shower is two hours. There's going to be moments where you have to honor your own feelings and leave the room and like maybe have a cry or like allow your mind to go to that place. And then maybe 15 minutes later, you can like see her open up a gift and see the joy in her eyes. and you can then have like a moment where you're genuinely happy for her and like genuinely in the moment with her.

Right. So maybe allowing over the course of two hours, like some moments where you're going to feel your deep grief and loss and some moments where you might have, even if it's for three seconds, a connection of like joy for her. Right. Right. If that all seems like something she doesn't want to do, I think she can 100% not do that. no one would hold it against her at all. And I think there's other ways that you can, let's say you can still be there for your friend who's having a baby or your friend who has a relative who's having a funeral or going through it in some other way in a way that does feel comfortable for you. That doesn't have to be literally attending this event. It can be through a card that you write. Yes. Or sending flowers or a gift or something like that. There's other ways to show, show up and be there for. for people than like the traditional way that everyone else does it.

So I think she can choose to go give the friend that kind of like, I don't say warning, like just explain, let him know where she's at. Yeah. Yeah. Or she cannot and like be there for for these people in a way that just feels like something she's easier able to handle. Totally. Yes, I agree.

And I do think if you choose. to go, the warning's great. And then as you're there, the hard part, like you said, if she shows up for her in a different way, that's not this, like, social thing, like, kind of what we just talked about when you're, like, dropped into the, you know, Beverly Hills wearing, stained sweatpants.

Like, she's being dropped into this, like, everyone's dressed in a certain way and expected to act. And it's, like, all for the mom. And you're, like, flooded with all this, like, traumatic memory. maybe that's not the best environment for you to support her in, which I think is fine. If you do want to go, I mean, so I wrote a couple of intentions for her, depending on where she's at.

So one was more leaning into, like, being able to honor your feelings and, like, be okay with however you're feeling and set those boundaries like, I need to leave. So one, I'm proud of myself for trying. I will honor my feelings and respect my boundaries. And that's like, I like that one. If you want to go, you don't want to go. I'm proud of myself for even trying this. The other one is if you're hell bent on going, right?

You really want to go and you don't want to be like getting triggered. And I think just kind of being really mindful and paying attention to your body. And as soon as that your mind even starts going down that thing, like giving it a task. So somebody, you know, a patient that I was working with had something similar, not exactly the situation, but she felt like being, if you really are going to go, being like task oriented there was helpful. Like, staying busy. Yeah.

Saying busy, like having a thing to do. So you're not just like sitting there watching like alone with your thoughts. The opposite of meditation. Yes. Go like distractions. Yes. Just like distraction. Be the person that writes.

the list down of whatever. Like you have to know yourself. If she really feels like this is something she wants to do, maybe a first good step is being there, but being like helpful in whatever way, like washing dishes or like writing stuff down or taking the wrapping paper and going outside and throwing it in the trash,

something to keep your mind busy and distracted. That's just kind of a, you know, it's not really digging in and it's not necessarily honoring your, it's like kind of the opposite of honoring. your feelings of grief. But if you're showing up to a baby shower, I don't know that that's the best time for you to sit in the room. Right. And honor your feelings of grief in that moment. Yes. Yes. All right. I think this is, this is good, some good tangible advice. I like that intention. And again, whichever way you choose to go, I don't think that you need to do anything.

I mean, you usually support like putting yourself in uncomfortable situations, but I don't think that this is one where that's really. necessary. Yeah, I think she gets a pass on this. You know, I don't think she needs to do this if she really doesn't want to. And I think anyone who's her friend would understand. I mean, it does feel different than like, okay, I lost a parent. And so I'm not going to go to your, like God forbid, you lose a parent. I'm unable to go to your parents' funeral because I lost a parent and it's too triggering. I think there is something a little bit different about child loss. I think it's quite unique situation that is, like you said, universally acknowledged as such.

Yeah. Well, this I would love an update and, yeah, just in kind of what you choose to do with it and how it goes if you decide to do it. Get into our triggered segment. We're not keeping anything bottled up and neither is Angry Orchard, our sponsor for today's episode. Angry Orchard is here to shake things up by sponsoring our triggered segment, helping you guys get that sweet release.

Whether it's a petty annoyance or a full-on rage spiral, your feelings deserve to be felt and then let go. Write or call in and tell us what you're triggered about this week and will help you uncap all the feelings. All right. I'll read the first one. All right. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, first time writing into the pod and would love advice about traveling with friends if I can be triggered about a certain situation. I, 26 years old, am about to embark on a trip to Ireland in March for my best friend's birthday.

Fun. We have been talking about doing this. for her 25th birthday for the last few years. I have never traveled with friends and I honestly usually travel alone because I'm a bit frugal when it comes to excursions, going out to eat, living situation, et cetera. I just bought my ticket for Ireland solely because I want to spend my best friend's birthday with her and she specifically asked me to come many times. So I bought the ticket. It was a big purchase. I have been practicing being brutally honest and vulnerable with people so I thought I would bring up the subject of financial flexibility to my best friend. I told her that I do not

have a super flexible budget and asked if it was okay if I stepped away from the group for some activities that they might be doing. She basically, in short, said yes, but then went on to say that I should plan my trip how I want. This is part of what she sent me. Like, this is her friend sending this text, I guess. Like I've said from the jump, I'm going on this trip for me and I'm happy to have everyone that wants to come along. I've been absolutely swamped with work, but I will be making a dock with lots of activities and excursions I personally want to do. Anyone is welcome. and no one is obligated, plan your trip how you wish. I wish she just said yes and never said this part.

This makes it seem like she doesn't even care if we come. The only reason her friends and I are going on this trip is for her birthday. I've never specifically wanted to go to Ireland, but I'm going because she made it seem important for years that I go. I thought this would be a collaborative trip since there are four of us going with four different interests and four different budgets. This response would make sense if all four of us were happening to be in Ireland at the same time and maybe we could meet up for an activity or two.

For context, I am a garden teacher. Does that mean kindergarten, I assume? I think so, I would imagine. A garden teacher, so I'm not well paid, and it is a big deal to take time off. I brought up the idea of staying in a hostel for a few nights, but she said she would rather get an Airbnb. It feels like she just wants us to follow her around.

Is this what I'm supposed to do because it's her birthday? Or am I allowed to be triggered because this does not seem like a collaborative trip at all, Hope to hear back a non-refundable betch. Okay. Traveling with friends is a tough one if you don't know their style. Totally. And I mean, it sounds like they have different styles.

I think the idea that they're all going to mutually agree on a budget and all the excursions that they want. Like I think this listener in an ideal world would like for them all to compromise. Right. Like, we kind of all agree that this is good enough. It's not ideal for me, but it's good enough that everyone kind of ends up feeling that way. Right. We're going to work together to like do something where everyone gives a little bit, which doesn't seem to be the friend's case.

But at the same time, this sounds like a text I would send. If I was getting texts from three different people all asking for their own specific requests about this trip and maybe they're not maybe they're all friends with her but not friends with each other so they're all texting her individually this sounds like someone who's like I've had enough this is what I'm doing and anyone we all have our own trips and this is what I want to do and if you want to come great and if not I don't care yes honestly I could see myself answering the way this friend answered also like it's hard enough to compromise and find a middle ground with two people let alone four people so I

get why the friend wrote, like, here's what I'm going to do. If you can swing it, great. If you want to stay somewhere else, that's fine. If you want to go to something, go. If you don't, don't. Like, I think that's honestly the best fair and the best way to handle it. Because otherwise, at every meal and at every turn, no one's fully happy. Right. She's kind of giving you the, It's kind of nice almost. She's giving you the out before you even leave for any of the act. Because she has to remember she texted her about all these activities that she doesn't want to do that she wants to sit out of. Right.

So it's not like the friend just texted her this out of the blue, like enjoy your own trip. She's kind of texting about making the trip more of her own. She says, I travel alone all the time because I have these strict financial parameters that I need to stay in. And she texted the friend, here's the activities that I don't think I can do. And she's basically saying, like, this is your trip. Do whatever you want to do. This is I'm going to do what I want to do because this is my birthday trip. Right.

And I'm not going to be offended. That's what I'm hearing is I'm not going to be offended if you do or don't, but I'm not planning for different trips. Right. I do kind of love the friend's response. Like I think it's the only way to, I think it's the only. Negative 10, Trevor. Trigger.

I think it's the only way to handle it. She does sound a little angry. I agree. Like she sounds a little overwhelmed and angry. Like I'm swamped. at work, but I'm going to handle this. But I really get that she also, the friend might not be like a big planner, right? So she might not want to be in charge of like, okay, X and Y are going on this excursion.

A and B are not. C wants to stay at this hot. Like she probably doesn't want to do any of that. She's already saying she's swamped at work. She wants to plan her trip, show up. If you want to do it, great. If you don't do your own thing. no hard feelings.

Like I think, I mean, I get how the phrasing might kind of feel a little bit like, we're not a team here. Like, we're planning a trip together. Let's all try to plan it together. But if you want to stay at a hostel and she doesn't, there's really no in between. Right. Yeah. And she said, it feels like she just wants us to follow her around.

I actually think it's she's saying the opposite. She's saying, this is what I'm going to do. you can do whatever you want to do because you have your own trip that I want you to enjoy doing what you want to do. Right. And I get, so I want to validate. I think the trigger is it lies in that, in that. The friends, the listener who's writing in is like, I didn't really, this wouldn't be

the trip that I would have picked. Right. So because of that, I don't want to be like planning my own independent trip and like if we hang out, we hang out. Like I'm doing this there for you. So I do get that part of it. I think that's what's irritating her is she's kind of like, I wouldn't be doing this at all. I don't want to plan my own trip to Ireland.

Like I want us to plan it together. So maybe they can land with like, hey, you plan it. Pick the place to stay. Pick the excursions. I'm going to go along with your trip. If the place you pick is too expensive, I'm going to pick my own place. If the excursion is too expensive, I'm going to sit out. It does feel like we're doing.

doing it together, but she's just going to selectively remove herself, which I kind of think is what the friend is saying. Yeah, that's kind of what she's implying, maybe not in the nice, in the tone that the other one would want. I think she wanted to hear like, I'm so grateful that you're coming, like we're going to figure out something that works for everyone. And I'm so excited to do all this stuff together. But again, she's getting the text from you that whatever that she's getting like, she's probably getting a negative feeling from your. texts of like the list of stuff you're compiling like I'm I'm going to be but I'm not going to be able to do all of these maybe she thinks you're implying that you want her to change the activities

right yes and I that's not really fair you can you can choose to do whatever you want to do the where they stay I think is the biggest factor because if you're not staying together it's almost like then it does kind of feel like we have all happen to be in Ireland and like we're just going to hang out while we're there. So that part, I think you're going to have to figure out. Like if you can't afford the Airbnb and you literally are staying elsewhere from them, that's going to be a change to the trip. That's going to be like a big deal, kind of.

I do think it's very hard to travel with people on different budgets than you. It just creates a very kind of weird vibe unless the person with the biggest budget doesn't care about doing things. in the lower budget thing. I remember feeling this like abroad when I was traveling with people with a lot bigger budgets and they would be like, oh, we're going to stay at like, I don't, whatever, whatever it was, the Marriott, whatever. And I was like, what about a hostel? And they were like, oh, no. And I'm like, yeah, of course. Of course it's so gross. I was just kidding. Right. But I also like have absolutely no money. But it is, do you know what I mean? It is,

it is like a unique challenge that people don't talk about. Like, it's harder to travel with people who Yeah. It's easier to go to lunch with people who have different budgets. It's harder to go to Ireland. Right. And be eating all the meals and staying all in the same places. So again, maybe sticking with the theme of this, you can have a phone conversation. I think would probably be better if this is really starting to bug you and like really just discuss it.

So it doesn't end up becoming this. What I get, it feels like it's becoming a little bit of a passive, aggressive, like you're being annoying, do whatever you want. I'm not planning like a, like the friend doesn't want to take on planning a trip. That's like the magic answer for four people with different budgets. Like I don't think she's got it in her. So maybe you could talk to her and be like, I think the biggest issue, the really only issue is where you're going to stay. If you don't want to take the excursion, don't.

You'll walk around. You'll do your own thing. If you can't agree on how much whether you're going to stay in an Airbnb or a hostel, I think that needs to be like tackled head on. Yeah. And if again, she insists on the Airbnb and it's more than you can afford, I think you could say usually flights are a little bit refundable.

You could say like assuming it is like I might need to or at least you get a credit, might need to pass on this for now. That's like, you know what I mean? Like she's the friend said her boundary of like I'm not planning four trips. She also can say like this doesn't seem like something I can afford. I think I'm going to be out at it. I can't even afford where you're staying.

Right. Yeah. And maybe they didn't realize it before. Like honestly, no hard feelings. Like, if this is their first time doing it, this is how you find these things out. Better to find out now than when you get there. And if you do like to travel alone, then maybe you could just shift your mindset. Right.

Like, hey, this is going to kind of, I'm going to stay where I want. This is going to be my alone trip to Ireland. I didn't necessarily pick this spot. But like, I'm also going to have friends there that we could do lots of stuff with. Right. Yeah. almost reshifting it to be like, this is my trip to Ireland. And then I'll like, uh, anything, anytime I see her is like a great little bonus.

Right. I get it. Not ideal. I think if you guys can nail down the place to stay, the rest of it, I think will work itself out. If you want to, you know, go to the grocery store and make your own lunch instead of going out to lunch, like, then you could just say that. But right.

Not saying together is going to change the whole trip. Agree. What do I give this? I kind of like I could like, like, like, you. said I could see myself having the same response as the friend. So I'm going to give it like a two. I agree. I think it like came off maybe how she didn't want to hear it, but I think it's better that she said that to her now than on the trip. Yeah. I feel bad giving low ratings because I know you guys are feeling these real things. And like I do get it. But I think she's just trying to be like,

No sweat. Do you? Yeah. And again, I think that would probably be better conveyed over a phone call. Yes. Just call her and like talk it out and be like, this kind of like made me feel like you don't care if I come or not. And I think that if you do it in a non-aggressive way, you could easily talk out the conversation. Yeah.

She caught her at a moment. I could tell. She's like, I'm swamped, but I'm going to like just get this off my place. I'm sure she's had several other friends text her about their own requests. And she's probably just like not in the mood. Yeah. Let's do another one. You got it?

I got it. Hello, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I love this podcast. I've been listening since day one to every single episode. Awesome. It was a routine on my Tuesday commute to work. Now it has become part of my me time routine on maternity leave as I listen while my baby naps.

Triggered scenario for y'all. As I type it out, it sounds silly, but here it goes. I have my first baby earlier this year. I pride myself on how. having a unique name, so I knew one day I'd want to have kids with unique names too. My baby's name came from my dream a long time ago. That's cool. So I've had it picked out for a while, even before my husband was in the picture,

L.O.L. It's a not so common name. Fast forward six months. I see a social media post from someone I went to college with. She gave her baby the same name. My initial reaction was, wow, small world. That's cool. I don't own the name.

Who cares? And we don't talk anyways. So this person was never my close friend, but more of a friendly acquaintance. We were in the same social circles, have a ton of mutual friends, talked at social outings back then, work in the same industry, and have common social media friends. These days, we don't interact beyond social media like, so I thought it was just a coincidence. But then I got to thinking. I had remembered in my hazy initial postpartum days while scrolling that I saw her baby shower

maternity post a few months back. I went back to her Instagram page and saw that she had the same baby shower theme and nursery theme as me. I don't post on social media often, but I did post pictures of my baby shower, nursery, and baby's birth announcement. I looked further and she also took maternity pictures. I kid you not at the same location as mine. I thought, wow, freaky coincidence, but then I took a deep dive. I saw that she had liked every single one of my posts, so she definitely saw them. now I'm triggered.

It seems like everything I had done for six plus months prior was being copied. I don't have a ton of followers slash not an influencer to be copied, and I'm definitely not that cool, L.O.L. I only post a handful of times a year on my page. I don't know whether to feel triggered, annoyed, flattered, or just creeped out. I feel like I should block her out of fear that she's copy pasting my life. Thanks for the feedback and keep up the good work on the podcast, a copy-catted batch.

I think this is flattering, personally. I think it's flattering, too, but it is, it's inching on creepy. It's flattering with a hint of creepy. Just because it was the baby shower theme and the nursery theme and the name and the maternity pictures, like that's a lot of stuff. If it was any even two or three out of those, it would be like, like, oh my gosh, like I would feel flattered too. Right.

After the fourth one, it's like a little creepy. I guess it's a little creepy because it's like the same location. But to me, it's almost like this friend thinks of her as a celebrity. Like she thinks of her is like so cool that she wants to do everything she's doing. The name thing is like the weirdest part because it's like the most permanent whatever. But like she doesn't consider herself cool. Clearly this woman thinks she's very cool. It's very flattering.

Yes. And also like I could see the friend thinking like, all right, I like this girl's style. I like her whole vibe, whatever. And, you know, you don't have to be an influencer for someone to follow your life and think that you're cool. Yeah. And, you know, like regular people can be envied on social media. So I think she saw that.

And she was like, I'm not, I went to college with her. I haven't really spoken to her in a long time. And it's not like we have like, everyone's going to be all the same people are going to be at the baby shower. Like, our kids aren't going to go to the same school. like, I just like, I mean, again, it's a little creepy to like everything about someone else, but I don't think I would block her. I feel like that would be a little crazy. Do you think it would be better if she, like, almost DM'd her or, like, told her?

No, I don't think so. That'd be weirder? I do not. I do not think she should. I agree. No, I'm saying it's a friend DM'd her to be like. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Yeah, I think then it would make it a little bit more like, okay. Like the compliment is there instead of just like, you know, single white female. Do you ever see that movie from, you know, the 80s? Yeah. It's like now it just starts to feel creepy. I honestly, I do think it's flattering. I think it's like one or two too many.

It really, it's like the name, the shower, the nursery, the photos, like. Right. The name is where it gets creepy. Yeah. I think. Because like the shower, like the maternity location. She liked the pictures. The shower, she liked the theme.

And it's going to be over when it's over. It's not like following the kid for the rest of their life. Yeah. You have a crazed celebrity fan. Yeah, you have a fan. It's funny because as you said that, I was like, this is flattering. And as I'm reading it, I'm like, I want to see all this because it probably is pretty, like this girl probably is cool because, and whatever she's doing has a certain aesthetic.

Even a name has an aesthetic, right? It has like an auditory aesthetic when you say the name. And like she probably has a cool aesthetic. And this girl's just, I'm, I'm that way. I'm not like super creative or aesthetic, but I know what I like when I see it. So like,

it's not going to come up with it. But when I see someone else has it, I'm like, oh. Oh, I don't have to think about it. Right. Like I could. And I guess what's the difference between like copying something on Pinterest and like copying something from someone that you knew back in college?

Right. I could see feeling it's a little creepy. I wouldn't be triggered by it. I wouldn't block her. Yeah. If there's one more. If you see her like outside your house, if you like see her, if there's like a physical stalking nature to this, I would get concerned at that point. Yeah. I really don't think it's that. I think she just likes her aesthetic. And she's probably always going to like her aesthetic because it's just a vibe that you have and like kind of a way that you carry yourself. Yeah, you're a cool girl who has dreams about her baby name and then names it years later. That is pretty cool. Can you send us the pictures of the shower? Of both. Yeah. I'd like to see all the picks.

And we'll say if it's copyworthy or just creepy. And the name. I want to see how common the name is too. Send us all. We need more info because if we decide it's actually not that cool, then it's creepy. That's true. Yes. We'll let you know if it's cool enough to be flattering or if this person's obsessed with you.

I'm going to give it a four because it's a lot of stuff and it is slightly creepy. But like if it was one or two less, I would just say, wow, this is really flattering. Like, enjoy it. I'm going to give it a three. How many places do you think exist in your town to take maternity photos? Right. I don't know. Like, it's not like it's a Starbucks. I don't know. There's probably not that many. Right. And if the shower theme is like, I don't know, animals or like, I don't know what, yeah, I don't know what the theme is, but unless it's like quantum physics, it's probably pretty, you know, how many baby shower themes are there really? I don't know.

You'd see this in weddings too. It's like you copied my ring. It's like there's six shapes. Yeah. It's really just not that many. options. Yeah. It's true. I, if your kid's name is Emma, you don't even write in, we're going to make fun of you. No, it's not. It's definitely not Emma. I think me and you maybe because we don't have like such a great aesthetic, I would lean towards like, this would never happen to me. So I find it so flattering. Same. Um, yes. Maybe you're the girl that people for me as copy. I guess I did open this episode by talking about marrying my stained sweatpants.

No, I mean, first of all, take it back. Your house has a beautiful aesthetic. I helped at a professional. Exactly. You would not have been able to do that by yourself. I don't think. Neither would I. I don't judge.

But yeah, I think if you've been maybe copied throughout your life, it feels like even I tell that with my kids. Like, so like someone copied me. I'm like, that's amazing. Like, they thought it was cool. You're an icon. Yeah. I think really cool people don't like being copied.

Right. Because they, well, because they pride themselves on like their uni. aesthetic. Do you care people like someone used your therapy like guidance in something else like public? Um, no. I think I would be like I would be flattered with no credit. You took that you unless they're like making if they were making money on it, I'd probably be annoyed. Um, yeah. But if they were just like this is something that I've received in a way, in some way and I'm like giving it back out there. I would I would feel flattered like they heard it.

They absorbed it. They remembered it. They liked it and they're sharing it. I would feel good about that. I mean, I guess if let's say I had someone who had baby names that like they had three kids and all three kids were the same exact name like that I might be like that's weird. Yeah. Yeah. It's a little weird.

She's a little weird. She's not your friend though. Yeah. Whatever. please send us a follow-up. Now I want to see all the things. Give us all the details and let us know if we can share any of them and we'll report back if it is creepy enough to be.

Yeah, and maybe you should be an influencer then. Maybe you have a wrong career picked out. Exactly. I mean, that's how you could be monetizing this. Yeah. I'm sure she's not the only one that thinks your stuff is cool. For sure. Let Angry Orchard help you celebrate the sweet release.

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That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced and edited by Rebecca Steinberg. Be sure to follow us on Instagram and everything's fine. And send your advice emails to Oversharing at Betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.