Oversharing - Dealing With DOGE Anxiety

Episode Date: March 11, 2025

This week, Jordana and Dr. Naomi contemplate life without phones and immediate gratification. Our Overshare comes from a Betch who wonders if she should be worried that her husband has remained friends with multiple women he’s slept with. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a listener feeling annoyed that she’s getting left behind to take care of her toddler alone while her husband goes on a 5 day boys trip. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for a federal worker with anxiety about mass layoffs. And, in our “Sweet Release” segment sponsored by Angry Orchard, we’re feeling triggered by in-laws who make rude jokes at our expense, and neighbors who use the snowblower at 2am. If you’d like to get these episodes a day early and ad-free, plus two bonus episodes per month where we answer more emails and have follow-up conversations with listeners for real-time advice, make sure to subscribe at subscribe.betches.com! Check out our episodes under the Oversharing playlist at YouTube.com/@betches Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I get that it's triggering. Like I said, I've never, you know, had the courage, I guess, or whatever, like, bucked enough of it to go away for five days by myself. But I do think it's really important to nurture friendships. That's what she should say. It's so courageous. You feel like you can leave for five days. Oh, my God.

If she said that, she would get, like, the wife of the year award. But you're a hero. Yeah. A quick note before we get into. the episode. Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. So nice to be back. I'm back from Beghe.

Looked so nice. There's something so special about like the career. Caribbean water. It's just like crystal. I was looking at your photos and it transported me. I mean, like just to a different place. It's heavenly. It was beautiful. I can't recommend it enough. Cayman Islands. Really, really beautiful beaches. Not every Caribbean island has like beaches that are the same color. I feel like the water sometimes looks a little nicer in some places versus others. Beach snob. Beach snob. I'm a beach snob. I guess. Peach Knob, yeah. But I did want to say I thought of this podcast because we were flying back yesterday

and we took Cayman Airways, as you do. Okay. The official airline of the Cayman Islands. And when given a choice of meal from Cayman Airways, the choices were vegetable wrap, turkey wrap or tuna wrap. Tuna wrap. served on the plane. Yes, by the plane staff, one of three options. And I got it.

I got the tuna wrap almost as like a little F you to anyone who was saying that tuna is in fact not a plain food. It is so much a plain food that it is one of the three options. Amazing. Given by the flight. And might I say that if you have something against plain food, maybe you have something against Caribbean culture. Yeah.

There we go. Or tune up plain food, rather. Right. Maybe I was going to say it's like an American sensitivity, over sensitivity thing that like you, you know, in the Caribbean, you have fish breath. Walk around. Take a deep breath. Meditate loudly.

Lyons breath. I got into it. Yeah. I felt vindicated for you, for me, for Maddie. I appreciate it. I'm going to tell her. Tell her. Yeah.

You know, I felt it was a nice feeling. But it was great trip. I tried to do what you said in terms of like being really present, which is hard. You know, it's so, for some reason, it's like all your, no matter like where you are, I feel like your intrusive home thoughts of like the things that, it's very hard to like fully get out of that. Even if you do change your setting or your location to not just, you know, switch back into the same four apps you use every day. The thoughts are so loud.

The thoughts are so loud. It's why a lot of times it's helpful to look at it as like when you're trying to do that, like you're literally doing like a workout for your mind. Because it's almost like if you just like if you go to the gym and you're like, you know, really working out and you're going to make a change, you know, you're doing the stair climber and you start to feel like, oh, this is. is hard, I'm just going to stop, then you're not really going to make any change. Or you're lifting a weight and you're like, at the end of this, this feels really hard. It's like when you notice that your mind keeps going back,

it's not physical. So it's hard to notice because it's not like, ouch, this hurts. That's why it's so hard. Yeah. If you can think about it as like, oh, this hurts to stay here almost. Like this is a little, this is uncomfortable to stay here because it is. But it doesn't make sense. like, why should this be uncomfortable for me to stare at the Caribbean Ocean right now and listen to the waves? Like, why is that uncomfortable? Right. It is, it's so weird because it is like, you know what I mean? Like when you're working out, you can tell it's working because you're sweating. Yes. It hurts. Yes. And it's just your body feels like different, but it's such a much more subtle thing when it's your mind. Yes. Totally. It's very subtle. And you have, that's why sometimes like

setting aside time or you're like, this is the time when it's, I'm doing it, that's when it's easier to kind of be like, okay, I'm really in the moment of this, this is my training session. That's how you have to kind of look at it. And then it will happen more naturally by itself once you do those training sessions as often as you can. So yeah, I totally get that. But yeah, it's just that coming back to it.

But it sounds like you enjoyed the trip, mindful or not. But when you're in those big moments, like I saw you posted the picture. with the stingray like in the, like, I'm sure you were mindful and like you weren't thinking about checking your apps or like what you had to do at home. You're like noticing this texture of like the smooth skin of the stingray and like you're probably just really in the moment in that moment. That's true. Really just need someone to confiscate our phones.

Yeah. I think. So true. You know, it's like I can't there, there really would be no greater like mental. challenge, I think, than someone just taking my phone for, I don't know, one day. Right. One full day. Yeah.

Yeah. Or like a week even. I just really wonder what would happen a full week because you're just, that's your automatic thought. It's like check, check. It's like check. It's constant check this, check that. Check this.

Check this. Check the other. Like checking to see if there's something that's going to change. Yeah. Something for you in some way. And do you feel like it's easier for you to do this because you didn't get a cell phone until you were like, I don't know, 20 something? No, it's not easy for me, really.

No. Like I check, I don't check social media that much. I check my emails probably like my checking thing that I do. I check my email. Did I get an email about this? Like for me, it's almost like, I'll check my email. to see if there's a tab that's open in my mind that I can close. You know what I'm saying?

Like if I get the answer to this question that I put out in this email, even if it's the stupidest thing, like, I don't know, like what day the landscaping people are coming? Right? Like it's just an open tab in my mind. Like what day are they coming?

And then until I get that answer, it's like I'm going to check my email to find out that. It's so stupid. Who cares? But it like, I can close that tag. in my mind and move on to the next thing, which is what that, I think for me, that's what the checking is. For other people, it's other things, like checking to see someone likes something or if a person

you're interested in is paying attention to you or maybe business stuff. Am I going to make money on this thing if this person, you know. And I think it's just such a different, you know, world. In some ways, obviously your phone is like the greatest thing that's ever been invented. Like you can literally find out anything that you want to find out in half a second anywhere you are. I would imagine it used to be that you wouldn't expect that you could get a hold of someone at any moment of any day, no matter where they were in the entire world. Yes. And now that is an expectation. Right. Because, you know, it used to be like you had to wait until you saw someone at work the next day to ask them about the thing. And now you can really contact them at any moment. So I don't

No, no, it's hard to say if it's a net positive or negative because like the, the access to information really is like crazy. Yeah, it just doesn't allow us to be uncomfortable in the unknown, like which comes back to a lot of what listener questions that we have. Like, we're not comfortable in the unknown because we don't have to do it very often. Like only on the big picture stuff. Like if you have a question, it's answered, you know, like whatever it is. Even like as I'm putting Brooks to bed at night, like I, we listen to a sleep story on my phone. So I have my phone there. So he'll like, I wonder when the last time was that the Chiefs won the World Series before

whatever. And he's like, look it up. And I'm like, no, you're going to sit and ponder that question during the night. And tomorrow will look it up. Like he doesn't want to wait until tomorrow to find out. He knows the answer is like three seconds away. So it's that kind of thing, just not having to wait with patience in the unknown, which I think is a good practice. Right.

Waiting. It's a whole psychological. Waiting. That's a challenge that I would give to anyone that's listening. If you're looking for mindful, a mindful moment, any time you're waiting, waiting for someone to come out of their house, waiting for an Uber, waiting for a suburb. waiting for a subway, just leave your phone and just wait and look around and like, you know, just be and wait. That's a good way to practice mindfulness, I think, because you're forced.

You're in it anyway. Right. If you're forced to anyway. Yeah. I think that's a good. And it will probably give you more peace of mind going into harder aspects of life because there are things that you can't always get immediately, test results, grades, you know, like answers to things you need to know.

Like, and so it is, it is helpful. Yeah. Yeah. It's hard. It really is. And the more we do it, the quicker we want those answers. And I think as far as safety, like getting in touch with people, it's interesting because it's supposed to make you feel better, right?

That like, you can call someone or text someone at any time and know where they are and know that they're safe and they haven't had a car accident. But then it turns into this thing where like, if you're, you text someone they haven't gotten back to you for two hours, now you think they're dead in a ditch. Right. Yeah. And also like then you can't go off the grid for two hours. Yes. No one has that right anymore. No one has that ability to be like, I don't want to talk to anyone for six hours. I'm just not going to answer anyone that's like not socially acceptable. Yes. Yeah. I definitely think that that should be everyone's right. And I think everyone should do that

every now and then. Agreed. I guess that's what the whole like notifications turned off thing. It's kind of like telling the world, like I'm not hearing you now. So don't panic. I'm not dead. I'm just taking a break. Right.

Exactly. So. All right. Well, let's get into our show. I'm going to try to do a little break. And we'll see if that works. Maybe I'll try it on a weekend, ease into it. Yeah.

See if you can do a whole day of just like putting. your phone down and you'll notice so many times when you'll notice what you're looking for. You'll notice like, why do I, why do I want to pick this up? What do I want to find out? What do I want to check? What do I need this immediately? Yeah. Take a look at our subscription episodes. If you're an oversharing subscriber, you get all the episodes a day early, ad free and you get two bonus episodes a month. Our March bonus episodes will be out on this Thursday and then the four. Thursday of the month. Check it out and getting such great feedback. And we're really excited to share this with you guys. And if you want to just try it, you can get a seven day free trial. If you don't

like it, you'd cancel. But to be honest, I feel like you won't cancel because it's, it's really good. Do you have any spots left in your group sessions? Yes, I always, almost always have room. Might not be your ideal time, but check it out at Naomi Bernstein.com. I have. I have. I always, almost always have room. I will try to fit you in where it works for your schedule and I, you know, match people up based on kind of what they're going through and how I think different patients can challenge each other in group together. So it really is a beautiful experience, not just with me, but with other like-minded and not so like-minded listeners that can help us just challenge the stuff in the real world that gets you going, we practice handling some of that in group.

So, and with me there as well. So it really is a great space. So check it out. Naomi Bernstein.com. Love it. All right. Let's get into our episode. We have a voicemail later today.

If you want to leave us a voicemail, you can call 646-363626294. Or you can email oversharing at batches.com. All right. Let's get into our first overshare. I'll read it. All right. Hello, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I go back and forth about whether or not or to what extent I'm triggered by this, but I have an issue that continues to bother me.

My husband has a lot of very close friends. I know this is rare for a middle-aged man, so I think this is a good thing. My issue is that he has slept with nearly all of his female friends. For context, we met and started dating later in life. So all of these hookups with his friends happened when they were all single in their 20s and 30s. I have met these women and hang out with them regularly. They still share very close friendships. I'm trying really hard to just accept that this is part of the past, and he can't change what happened before we were together. I'm also aware that asking him to end these friendships would lead to resentment. Many of these friendships have lasted for several years, maybe even decades at this point, and the sexual relationship ended several years ago. And the truth is that I actually like these women, and I would like to consider them my friends as well.

If only I could get past my frustration about my husband having sex with them in the past. Is there any way you can help me get over this? A stuck in the past, Betch. Yeah. Nearly all of his female friends is like a blessing and a curse, right? Because it's like there's always one there. Like it's never just a time where like the one that he slept with isn't there. But it also kind of makes me feel and I hope makes her feel like none of them are that important or special.

If he's just like having flings with all of them, then it probably wasn't that deep. I agree. I think if it's the fact that it's so many means they're probably not that meaningful, good or bad, I don't know. But I mean, they are still friends. So I mean, like, again, the positives of that are like, it ended well. You know, no one hates anyone. Seems like they're all still quite friendly. And I guess the negatives is like, I guess in the back of her mind, does she like, does he still, is he sexually attract? I mean, you would imagine the question of, is he sexually attracted to these people is yes, because he's had sex with them.

So I think that's really the hard part, the idea of, like, my husband is sexually attracted to other women that I'm confer, that I know for sure, because he's already slept with them. And they're around. And they're like, cool and nice. And, like, he gets along with them. So it's kind of like. Could he be tempted? Right. I guess there's like that fear.

to me, I feel like the way to get past this is to sort of ask him like why it didn't work out with a lot of these women. Right. And I think you could ask that in a really curious way of like, you know, you have so many female friends that you used to date. It's in some ways it's really nice because clearly like you have a lot of healthy relationships, even, you know, even when they could easily have not been when someone had a sexual relationship, it didn't work out. But it does make me feel, which is true, a little insecure. Could you tell me a little bit more about like why you're with me and not these people?

Yes. She probably does need to hear just some affirmation about why she's different and why it's her and not them. She probably needs to hear that like from the horse's mouth to get that. But I really do get this. this is hard. It's a challenge, I think, in a lot of people when they start dating because if the other person's cool with it, you're cool with it. You're not going to be together, but like you can still hang out. It's not until you get into a serious relationship that sometimes

there is this. I am uncomfortable with you being such good friends with someone that you've had this type of relationship with. And sometimes I'm glad she realizes that the answer is probably not, especially because there's so many of them to ask him to not be friends with them anymore. Like that doesn't seem like a reasonable answer. And I think she knows that, which is good. Right. I guess would the answer be different if it was like he is really good friends with a lot of

his ex-girlfriends that he had long-term relationships with? Right. And I think the answer is like, yes. I do think that like, I do think it's a little weird to hang out with exes of yours that you actually dated when you're married to a new person. Like I do think there's something a little off about that if you had a real relationship. And she's not really, she's saying they slept together. It sounds like it's like a one-nighter kind of thing. That's what it sounds.

You're all single in a group and out and about or whatever. Yeah, I do think it's different if it's a relationship because there's like there's that that connection of the physical and the emotional, which is like powerful. You know, like we loved each other and we slept together and we were best friends. Like all of that feels more powerful than like we didn't really love each other in that way. We didn't have that deep connection in that way. We just like got drunk one night and hooked up. Or I don't know.

I don't know how deep it was. But I do think that's different. I'm interested to hear how people do that successfully. Like if they really have their spouse is friends with multiple exes. And I don't mean friends like happy birthday text on your birthday friends. I mean like hang out friends. And I think the idea that that would happen alone is like not many people could handle that. So then like is it really a friendship?

if it's like we're only friends, but we can't hang out alone because we like, right, don't really trust ourselves and our partners don't really trust us to do that. So like, what is this really? Yeah. And I would have the same questions. I think it would definitely, I don't think she should feel bad about feeling like a little insecure about this or frustrated about this and that it's kind of more annoying that they're great because she's like, I like kind of want to hang out with you.

But I also, there's always like probably a little bit on this, something underneath that feels a little threatening. Yes. I mean, when I first started dating Jeff, granted, this was 15 years ago. I was a different person and maybe I could handle it differently now. But he was friends with a girl that they weren't like in a serious relationship, but they had dated. They had slept together. And I remember him approaching me and being like, hey, I want you to meet so and so.

And I was like, absolutely not. You, you know, you had a romantic sexual relationship with her. I'm not really interested in like all three of us like hanging out and being friends. Right. And he just dead at it. And I don't think he, I don't think he was ever resentful. So that's another good sign. Like that was different.

He never, he didn't really care. I think he was fine with it going away. Right. Well, I think you need to have like a reason for the friendship. Like what I think that would help her too. Like what are you getting out of this. friendship. Because the part part is it's like, and this is why I think it's hard to say your friends with an ex is like if you're sexually attracted to the person and you enjoy

their company enough to be friends and they're not like someone you share children with or somewhere where like if there's like a reason for you to be in each other's lives, then I do think that it's like I would need to know what the poll there is. Like why aren't you dating? Right. I mean that's the most important question. Why aren't you dating any of these people? Right. How do you know they're not the one for you? This, I don't know, I don't know if she said it, but this sounds almost like it would

dismantle like a larger friend group. I don't know if you got that vibe that it's like not just these independent female friends that it's more like a friend group or maybe I'm just in my mind imagining that because of the number of female friends that he has that he hooked up with that they would all be like that was my actually i'm realizing as i'm speaking that was my first like go to in my mind is like it's a big incestuous friend friend group right like in their 20s they all just hooked up with each other but if it really is these very separate independent female friendships that are not related yeah then he could easily stop being friends i think it's would it would make me feel a little

bit like let's just take some inventory here like why are you maybe he likes the attention from attractive women you know like if that's the reason then we might need to look into that um if it's really like you said just going through and kind of being like you know tell me about your friendship with this person like what do you guys talk about what do you you know whatever it is it sounds like she's hanging out with them too maybe they're partnered also yeah I think it's worth, if these are not part of a bigger friend group where you're like, I just don't want to mess up this whole friend group, leave it alone. If they're independent, I would ask more about why he's keeping each one of these around. I agree. I mean, because at this point, I can understand,

this makes sense to me if you are in your 20s or 30s, that there is this, this crew or these people. But now when you're in your 40s, like usually you're not like one big, enormous crew. Right. But like maybe you are. I don't know. I would need more context. Yeah. And also like it's hard enough. We talk about friendship issues all the time. Like in the subscription episode, if you guys come and listen, we talk with someone who's like struggling with maintaining this friendship over the course of like 10 years. And it's kind of like, I don't know. Right. You got to make a really make an effort. If you're like in your 40s, I'm assuming he's in her, there's 40s because she says when they were single in their 20s and 30s. So I'm assuming you're no longer in their 20s and 30s.

Right. You have a job. You have a new relationship. Whatever else you have going on. Right. You know, the older you get, the weirder it gets. Right. You know what I mean?

Like the more you have like your own distinctive family unit, I think the weirder it gets. Yeah. So talk about it. And like you said, be curious. Like I really like so and so. Like what happened with you guys or like I am feeling a little. insecure about there's so many times when we're around these women that you know right i would like it to be a little less if that's possible but if you these friendships are really valuable to you i'd like to

hear like what you know what you feel when you're with them or what they're bringing to the table for you and yeah just being open and vulnerable and honest about it with jeff was it like were you asking why he didn't date this person or wasn't dating this person he had a already told me why he, like I knew about her and I knew why they broke up and I knew the way he was describing it. Like he, it was, I think what was going on there was like, she was still into him and he wasn't into her. And so when he told her that we were dating, she was kind of like, oh, I want to meet her, you know, right. Like to stay in the, not to be like discarded completely. And so he brought it up to me, like, oh, she wants to meet you. I, I knew why he wasn't.

wasn't with her anymore. So I didn't really, I guess I did feel threatened. Now I'm looking back. Because you didn't want to meet her. So you did. Right. The mean now is like,

honestly, like now I'd be like, sure, let's meet her. You also have like been married for 15 years. 15 years. Right.

And three kids. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. But that is that, but that's also true. Like a relationship is a lot more fragile. Fragile in the beginning.

Yeah. Right. Which is why I do think like he married her. There is a sense of like, he married her, they're building a life together, like, that should help her, but also, like, that also should cause you to assess your general friendships and what you're getting from them. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's true. It is interesting for me to think back, like, what a different mindset I had, you know, like, right? Like, I was so much more insecure at that time than. But also,

I think the situation was more dangerous. Yeah. You know, like, is it that you, is it, and I think that's the thing that people, you know, we talk about the situational bias or whatever it is. Like, is it that you are such a more mature, more accepting, nicer person now? Or is it that you feel so secure in this relationship now that you're able to be that person? Yeah. A hundred percent.

And I always say, like, that is like one of the greatest gifts that I've gotten. And I don't even like, because for people that haven't met their person yet, I think sometimes it could, the advice as a therapist is always like, you know, you have to love yourself first before you can really meet your person. But the truth is like,

and I say to Jeff all the time, like I am one of the greatest gifts that he's given me is the safety and security of feeling like so fully, loved and safe. Like I, he'll never, you know, he's always going to be there and he's always going to be loyal.

Like that just took that. It's like took that whole thing off my plate of like, wondering and am I going to find someone who loves me and are, are they going to be loyal and are they going to cheat? It's like, uh, that whole thought process is so draining and like worrying about who he's spending his time with and his exes and it just like takes up so much.

much mental space that once you can get past that, it's like a very safe, calming feeling that I think can also allow you to just be more confident in general, which is a sad thing. Like it's hard. It shouldn't take someone else. Well, it's like the attachment theory, right? So it's like if you have like an insecure attachment, you can change to a secure attachment, but you have to be with a secure, you almost like need to find the secure person in order to prove it to be real.

Yes. But I think it's funny. Like we give people too much credit and too much blame, I think, for how they act in certain scenarios when really most of it is just due to like how the circumstances have made them feel. Yeah. It's true. Although I, you know, it's almost like it's always been here.

The security, the confidence. Like I feel like I almost needed that before I could feel. like the full confidence, but like nothing's really that different. Like I'm the same person, but you just need your safe partner to make you like aware of it. But it's there. I'm literally the same person. Like my intelligence, my kindness, my physical appearance, like all my talents, things about me.

Like they're the exact same. Right. That's true. But you're not, but it's not dangerous. Like the situation, like if you were, if it became a. a different situation if the person, let's say he suddenly was acting in a way. Like, would you be as calm, cool and collected as you are? Probably not. Yeah. Even with all your years of wisdom? Totally. Probably not, which is, it's just, it's a, it's that weird survival thing

that our brain does, where we are so based on like human connection and like safety and numbers and like feeling like you have a partner or a tribe and we don't really have the tribe anymore. So I think the partner is especially important. It's like the whole village now. Right. It's the partner. Yes. Or like I don't know about for sure about this, but I think at a point, like yes,

your partner is the one that's going to like lay down and die for you. I'm talking about like caveman times, right? Like your partner who's, you know, is the one that's going to like throw himself in front of the woolly mammoth to protect you. But I do think that you lived in more of a tribal sense where there was like you felt safety being part of a little in-group that we don't have. People that are single, it's more like you're friends with other single women. It feels almost like competitive. You know, you're not friends with like your single friends, mothers who are going to like come over and share their food with you. And then their sisters are also going to be like, you know, it's not the same.

tribal feeling. So we are very dependent on finding a partner who we feel really secure with for that sense of safety. But we dilute ourselves that it's about, that we feel better about ourselves. But it's really just this kind of survival safety at the root of it. Anyway, off on a little bit of a tangent there. But I do think she should talk to him about it. And yeah, see if she can get that sense of safety back. Yeah. And I mean, it is, it is nice that someone has positive relationships with a lot of people. I do find people who have close friends. It's usually a good sign of their ability to maintain long-term relationships. Yeah, or like if you guys have a fight or something, I bet you he's probably really kind of like calm and not super angry and vengeful. And like,

you know, he's probably a good person to be able to accept a change or something that feels different or not assess blame all the time, which is what you have to do to have these things end okay. No, it's true. And I mean, like, the truth of the matter is, like, people that you're married to find other people attractive. Yeah. So, like, if that's the fear, that's going to happen no matter what.

That's just a fact of life. All right. Let's get into our ethical dilemma. Should we do our betchesist? Sure. I will read this. Hi, Naomi and Jordana. I love your podcast and I'm always listening on my commute.

Thanks for brightening my morning. train rides. My husband and I recently moved to a new city where we don't know many people and have no close friends. He just got a new job. We have a toddler. My husband and his friends go on a friend's trip every year and have since college. It's usually a weekend at an Airbnb somewhere in the fall. It's really important to my husband and often the only time throughout the year he gets to see his closest friends all in one place. We are 35. This year, his friends switched the trip to be a five day trip in August. With starting a new job, he won't be able to take as much vacation time this summer as we usually do. So he's telling HR he needs time for a trip we already planned with our toddler in June

and this trip in August. I feel so triggered by this. On one hand, I want to be supportive of a trip and time with friends that means a lot to him. And we do already have a family lake trip on the books in June. But the idea that his only time off in July and August, when we would usually take a beach trip or something as a family, is instead going to be a five-day guys trip. It's a lot to swallow for me. I'm kind of surprised any of these guys are getting away with this, almost all married with young kids. It isn't a cheap trip, so the use of PTO, travel money, and leaving me to solo parent for this amount of time right in the prime of family vacation season is really annoying me. Should I talk to him about this or just acknowledge I'm annoyed but don't want to

rain on his parade. Help a wanting to be supportive, but pretty annoyed batch. Okay. Okay. This is an interesting dilemma. I kind of feel like she's overreacting a little bit. She's got the trip in June. He has a larger group of friends. He doesn't want to probably, they're all talking about this five-day trip. I don't think he wants to be the one to be like, well, I can't go. And it seems like he really enjoys this trip. Right.

And I think that, you know, I mean, we've talked about this before. I do think that friendships become so devalued once you have, are married and have kids. And I don't necessarily think it should be like that. Like, I do think that there is, you do get a lot from having all sorts of different kinds of relationships. And it's not like he's saying, I'm not going on a vacation with you.

I think he's just saying like he's making room for both. And I think if I were her, I'd plan a trip with my friends for a different weekend that he can watch the kids. Yes. Yeah. I totally agree. But I will say my initial reaction would have been very similar. Okay. And five days.

I've never gone away by myself for five days. It sounds amazing. That would be great. Must be nice. Must be nice. Yeah. So I could see her being triggered. And I feel, especially with a toddler, I would feel the same way that five days seems

kind of like a lot. A weekend is more typical, I think, like a Thursday to a Sunday or a Friday to a Monday, seems like a good amount of time to go away on a friend's trip. However, so I totally, especially at this stage, I could totally see why she's triggered. But I do think that what you just said, if that was the norm, I think it would create a lot more balance. Like we, we deal with all these like friendship issues and the nuclear family becomes so powerful. Right. It's like everyone just gets a,

obsessed with their partner and their kids. And I think it is really nice to be able to maintain that balance. And it is kind of injecting the culture as a whole with his friend group and just, I have a hunch prediction. Not all these guys are going to be going away for a five-day trip in August. Right back. Okay. I think a lot of the significant others are going to come back and it's going to turn into a long weekend

from a five day. That's my prediction. Should she be one of them? I'm going to say what you said, which is I think it would be good to lean into a culture where you're with the three of you are together 99.9% of the time. So five days in the grand scheme of things to cultivate other relationships and friendships, I think is a really good thing. I get why it's triggering.

If I were in her position, I'd feel a little bit, maybe there's, a little bit of anxiety there. I don't think the idea of like the fairness of like we usually have a trip in August and now we're not going to, you have every weekend all weekend, all year. And your trip in June. And your trip in June. So I get that it's triggering. Like I said, I've never, you know, had the courage, I guess or whatever, like fucked enough of it to go away for five days by myself. But I do think it's really important to nurture friendships. That's what she should say. It's so courageous. I feel like you can leave for five days.

Oh, my God. If she said that, she would get, like, the wife of the year award. But you're a hero. Yeah. Yeah. That's not how she's feeling. And I think it is probably annoying. We've talked about this before, where it feels like a lot of mothers would maybe feel

like their own sense of shame for leaving for five days when they have a toddler. And he maybe doesn't feel that. that. Right. And interesting, the flip side, right? If a mom went away and the father, and this is obviously stereotypical, but if the mom went away and the father said, it is really courageous of you to do this, that would feel amazing, amazing and accurate and, like, important. Like, you are more than just a mother. And, like, it's, I know it's hard and scary to break out of that role. and trust me to handle things while you're gone and to trust that you're still a good mother if you leave.

So it is interesting because it would, like a mom would never really say that to a dad. It almost sounds like ridiculous. Right, because most men don't find it hard to leave for as long as they want to leave. So I get that. And this would be, it sounds better coming from a man to a woman than the other way around. Yes. But I think that she should also like try to get into that. mindset as well.

Yeah, like I want a 360 degree life also. And again, that's not to say that your husband and child shouldn't be like the number one priority or the main focus of your time. But I think that like other things can still be a priority. Other things can still be important pillars of your life that aren't. I think that like they're often treated as like things that you are so unnecessary and egregious and like. like, why would you, why would you ever make this choice when there's another choice that

could be more helpful to, like, the A team? Yes. And I don't think that that's, like, necessarily, like, the right. I think, and I think that's, like, the societal default, but I don't necessarily think that it should be. Yes. So I love this question for that reason. I think if more people, moms especially, were able to, and this is a question about a dad,

but I would say, okay, I'm going to. I'm planning a trip for, you know. July. Yeah. Whatever. Yeah. I'm playing. Exactly.

I think she should plan her own trip. And I do think I mean, the nuclear family is great, but it's one way of doing things. And it's like obsessive. It's like everyone's just upset. It's even like I said to you when I was at your house and I noticed the same thing here. It's like you are with the people in your house. And then you have photos of the people that are always in your house. in your house.

Like, why don't we have more photos of people that are not actually here all the time that so we could look at them. Right. And like how many people have photos of their friends in their house? Right. None. It's like considered weird or socially unacceptable, but like why should it be? Yes.

I totally agree. It's like this obsessiveness with this nuclear family that also kind of like ostracizes people that don't have that. It's almost like you're not okay until you have this like nuclear family that you're completely obsessed. with and then live with them all day, spend all your time with them, have pictures all over your house with them. It's like if someone came from another planet, it would almost, it's like, it's because of that safety thing. It's because like it really does boil down to that.

Like these are my people, my rider dies and I'm going to like cling to them. But I think it's important to make room for friendships. So I get it. I would be triggered to breathe and plan your own five-day trip. Should she say something? I think she could say, and she said, because she says, should I say, should I talk to him about this, just acknowledge I'm annoyed,

but don't want to write in his parade. I think she could, I think she could say if she wants to be honest and not secretly resentful, I'm glad you're getting your trip in with your friends. I know it means a lot to you. I'm a little anxious about being,

about you going for five days, and I'm a little sad that we're not doing a trip in August for the family. doesn't mean I don't think you should go. I just want to plant that seed before you go. Yeah. I get it. She could say like I would, you know, I would prefer it if it were three days, but I'm not going to, I don't think she should say like, you can't go for five days.

I think she should say like three days, maybe made a little more sense to me. But I get it. This is a big trip. I know you guys all really love this and you do it every year. Right. So brave. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's fine.

I think she can express herself. The other thing she can acknowledge and maybe acknowledge to him is like my initial reaction is this. Like I'm anxious. I think sometimes this works for couples too instead of being like, you're doing the wrong thing because I feel anxious about it. That means that you're making a choice that's not fair or reasonable to me versus communicating it. And like when I heard this, my initial feeling was. this. I think it's coming from this place for me, whatever that might be for her. But I do want to work

on moving through that fear and anxiety and being really happy for you and having you enjoy your time fully. I think that's really important for couples, that she lets him go in a way where she can feel genuinely happy for him. And I do think if she knows that when she plans her five-day girl's trip, he's going to be genuinely happy for her. And that is a really great way to have a relationship. Instead of you keep swapping these trips and everyone's like kind of silently resentful when the trips are happening. Everyone ends up going like with a little guilty feeling in the back of their mind, which does put a damper on things. Totally agree.

I think that's the way to do it. And the honest, vulnerable way that's going to make you guys even stronger of a team. Yeah. And I think just last thing on this, when you're approaching something as a couple, with your partner and you acknowledge like there's something I'm scared of here instead of like you're being disrespectful and mean and selfish, right? Because the truth is like you know that it's going to be fine. You're going to be fine with your toddler. Like you're going to be fine. There is a fear there that I think if you can acknowledge that instead of making him feel like

he's being selfish or that would be ideal. Agreed. It's going to make. The summer much better for both of you. Yes. Great. Let's do some intentions. We have a voicemail, and I have to say in the past couple weeks, I have been seeing, I've always said this. I follow the emails. I have been seeing so many emails with the similar sentiment to this one.

So I'm glad we can tackle it. Hi, Trinna and Dr. Naomi. I am leaving a voicemail because I'm wanting to know if you can give me an intention. I am a social worker that works for the federal government, and I am finding that it is becoming just very difficult to keep myself grounded and then all the chaos that is happening and that we're all seeing, you know, on the news and all those things, but also actually at my job, I'm sure, as you know, federal employees have gotten a lot of various emails that have, you know, confusing language or threatening language that if we don't comply with

such and such, you know, we could be at risk. And, you know, not only is it confusing and frustrating, but it just takes time away from my actual job, which is to be there for, you know, for veterans in particular. And so I just, I'm trying to find an intention that I can say to myself, when we get new e-mings, or when, you know, there's things that come up in the workplace or outside of the workplace, but that pertain to work that I can tell myself to kind of calm myself down. I know that's probably a pretty large act. But I think more than anything, you know, it's, it feels so, everything feels so out of my control. And I know that in general, you know, life is out of our control, but I think it sometimes it feels so out of control,

but also I can't escape it. Like, I'm seeing it wherever I go. and it's just it has really been weighing on me. And it's, you know, I think I see it, again, not only in the media, not only at work, but I also see it with, you know, the veterans that I work with that are also feeling it because, you know, they're looking to us and wondering if certain assistance will be taken away. And, you know, I don't have answers for them more than, you know, any of anybody else at, you know, kind of more of a local level.

So, no, that's kind of a large ask. But I am just looking for intention to tell myself that I can, that can kind of ground me to be able to re-center myself and just at the very least continue to do my job, especially as it, you know, has been coming up more and more throughout, you know, the workplace in particular with just getting all these emails. Like we have never had in the past. So, yeah, anyways, I love the show. I recommend it to everybody.

You guys are amazing. And yeah, thank you. Yeah. This is really hard, I think, on so many levels. There's like the obvious basic safety of losing your job, which is really, really scary. And then I think there's like the rhetoric around like cleaning out the federal government of like the waste. And it's like, am I the waste? Right.

Totally. And what that could do to just like your feelings of self-worth and your ability to, especially she's a social worker. So her ability to like be, she's supposed to be like the one that's calming and helpful and grounded for everyone else. When while simultaneously being like feeling like it sounds like she's, the way she's describing it sounds like a little like bullying. Yeah. Like she's being made to just feel like she has no worth and must prove it. Yes. So to kind of juggle those two things is a very unique, really difficult situation. So I do empathize a lot. Totally.

And then to have to be present and have that calming vibe when she's meeting with her clients. And yeah, I mean, and on top of that, like, I give her a lot of. of credit being like a social worker for the federal government government working for veterans. Like she's doing really, really, really good work and probably working really, really hard. Like I know that I can only assume what her caseload is and it's probably enormous already. So then to on top of that be feeling like you have to add to your plate to justify yourself throughout the middle of your day. And just the general threat to her income and her livelihood is really hard. It feels like she has, for some reason, the vision that comes to mind is like in the

movie Titanic when the violinists are like playing as the ship is going down, just like pretending that nothing is happening. Yes. Or have to do that while like simultaneously in the background, people are like screaming and throwing themselves off the boat. Totally. Totally, totally, totally. It's so true. This is really hard. And we see, I've got, again, like this, to me, this is a lot of people.

So I think, I don't know if that's helpful at all. But I personally, you know, I read these emails. There's so many emails with a very similar sentiment of people who work for the government feeling so much fear, feeling like they can't spend any money because they even if they haven't been let go, that there's a feeling like they might be at any moment. So just feeling, I mean, we just, we discussed this sort of at the top of the episode. this feeling of like, how feeling secure can sort of optimize your whole existence and make you like the best version of yourself.

Yes. And the counter to that is like feeling deeply insecure, feeling like you're not, there's a fear of not having your basic needs being met or not having any income can kind of bring out a much more tense side of you. Yes. Yeah. And I think it's basic needs and it's also like your identity around being good at what you do and, you know, feeling like the people that you're working for are feel like you're good at what you do and you are serve a valuable purpose.

So both of those things at the same time are really hard to handle and then like staying calm and going into a session with somebody and trying to calm them down when you're like, you know what? I don't fucking know what's going to happen. Yeah. You know, again, what we talk about a lot is like trying to relax into the unknown, like notice the thoughts around it. Oftentimes, and I do this sometimes, I do this with my patients a lot. Like, okay, what is the worst case scenario? And like, are you going to be okay? So like, let's say you do lose your job, like having kind of your backup plan of what's going to happen next and how you're going to handle it to kind of be like,

okay, I at least like I'm not going to die. Like I will shift. I maybe will downs up whatever you're going to have to do to just kind of be like, all right. Like some people don't want to even go there because they don't want to, I don't know, they don't want to like manifest it or they don't want to freak themselves out or whatever. But I do think sometimes kind of being like,

okay, I have a plan for what's going to happen if the worst case scenario happens. So that way in these moments, you can kind of like trust that there is a, other path for you to unfold that you might not know about that maybe we'll end up being better for you maybe it won't but that there there is a different path that might be the path that you're meant to be on almost like an aversion therapy like we've talked about this with like fear of being cheated on or something right what's the worst case let's let's live it let's play it out yeah play it out and like

you're going to be okay whatever that means you know and I don't know what exactly what that means and it's not going to be great. But I think the idea of like, as long as that doesn't happen, right? Like I'll be okay as long as like I don't lose my job. It's like, no, you can't really think like that because you might. And so you have to be able to be okay. Otherwise, you're just petrified all day of that. So I think trusting in that there might be another path for you that you're not aware of yet.

And, you know, I think also trusting coming back to like your own, her own self-worth as a social worker. Like just because if the government decides that I'm not worthy because of whatever reasons they decide that I'm waste or whatever they say, that's not the case. Like I believe in my own self-worth. I know that I'm a good person. I know that I'm a good social worker. I know that I'm good at what I do. And I'm not going to allow this to like rip my sense of self out from underneath me. So that combination of like, I'll be like my safety will be okay. I might have to downsize. I might have to move in with my parents. I don't know what the word, whatever the worst case scenario is for this person. And also, I'm still a good social worker and I'm still good at what I do, regardless of what

the feedback is that I get from this administration. Right. And those people don't know you and don't know you like the ins and outs of your day and don't see you in your sessions and don't see like they know there's no questions that they could ask about how you spend your time that would really quantify how good you are at your job yes yeah so that's why the actionable step here is like the email comes in then you get this flood of all these things like I'm not worthy I hear all this rhetoric that I'm wasteful what if I lose my job I'm going to you know all that stuff comes flooding in, but then what do you do? Right?

So I think she has to kind of, you know, like I say a lot of times, like give yourself that. It's like, haste makes waste in the sense of like if you don't give yourself 10 minutes to like go through that process of whatever it is, I'm going to give you your intention, think of your intention, allow the feelings to exist, relax into the sensations that you're feeling in your body. And then once you do that kind of process, and you come up with your intention, like just answer the email, just handle it because you can

handle it and then come back to your presence. So like it's not easy. Like she said, I don't even, like I'm glad she has expectations for this that are like relatively low. Like I don't even know if that's possible for you to calm me down. But I do think it is. I think if you do all the things we just mentioned. And then so the intention that I wrote for her is, and this is what you can come to in this moment, doesn't mean you're not going to be physically activated and you do need to have time to kind of let that sit, breathe, exist, but I know my worth. I trust my path, handle it and come back to the moment in front of me.

And the handle is like, give them whatever they want, right? you're not going to beat the system by like, you know, not doing it. I mean, I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm not in this world. But I think the best thing to do is just answer the email and then come back to whatever it is that you're doing in that day connecting with that person that's in front of you.

You know, you're a social worker. It's really hard. I think you need to give yourself those 10 minutes or 20 minutes or whatever you need when you get that email at some point. even and here's another thing. And I've learned this. Like, don't check your email right before you're about to go into a session, knowing that like there's a chance that you're going to get a triggering email and not have time to process it. Like I would check your email or open the email or whatever when you have that 10, 15 minutes to go through this process of like saying your

intention, I trust my worth. I trust my path. like taking a few deep breaths, you know, I think that's another, and that's for anyone out there. Like, if you don't have the bandwidth to deal with an email,

don't check your email. Yeah, I think that like, I mean, we talk about that a lot in terms of like bringing up a topic you want to discuss

with your spouse or your partner or something like that, but I think it's just as important for anything else you're dealing with. Yeah. So totally validated.

I see all of you out there that are struggling with like not having job security and just this I mean it's like almost ripped the bandit off already you know like it's right it's like emotional like torture yeah to just not knowing yeah and it's almost like if you're going to do it just do it we don't need like a warning and a pre warning and an email and a secondary email and like figure out a way to do it without torturing everybody in the meantime especially people whose jobs it is again to keep everyone else grounded and safe and feeling okay. Yes, totally.

Don't torture the people that you hire to help others who are mentally unstable. Yeah. I keep thinking of, and this is probably for the older people in the crowd, the movie Office Space. Oh, yeah. Which is still like one of my favorite movies probably of all time. And the guy where they find out there's like someone coming. in that's going to start firing people and the one guy that's like nervous and like he keeps talking about it and I'm like that that's everybody right now like that character who like can't

stop thinking about whether or not everyone's going to get fired is like everybody so I'm picking up his energy right and it's hard and I totally what she see see what she says about like it's on the news it's all of her coworkers it's all of her patience it's like hard like where does she get this 10 minutes to decompress. Like I do think it's, it's all encompassing. And I mean, I think there's some level of like, okay, we're in this together. But maybe it also feels like you're in competition with everyone to see if who's the lucky one who gets to keep working or something.

I don't know. And this isn't like, yeah, don't check your social media. It's like everywhere. Yeah. Yeah. So I hear you. Hopefully the intention can help you. and like that 10 minutes that you can just like allow yourself to feel all the things that you're

feeling but like look forward. I trust my worth. I trust my path. You know, give yourself those few minutes and then come back to being in the moment of whatever that next thing that is in front of you as much as you can. But yeah, this is hard. Thanks for writing in. Let's do our triggered segment. We are not keeping anything bottled up and neither is Angry Orchard, our sponsor for today's episode. Angry Orchard is here to shake things up by sponsoring our triggered segment, helping you guys get that sweet release. Whether it's a petty annoyance or a full-on rage spiral, your feelings deserve to be felt. And then let go.

Write or call in and tell us what you're triggered about this week and we'll help you uncap all the feelings. All right. Do you want to read our first one? I will read this. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. Thank you both for putting together such an impactful podcast. I listen every week and find that I learned so much and have gained many,

new perspectives that have helped me in my own life. Awesome. My triggered scenario happened over the holiday break and I still cannot get it out of my head. I am currently pregnant and was 15 weeks along when my husband and I were at our favorite neighborhood pub with his parents, brother, aunt, uncle, and cousin. We were all sitting at the bar for well over an hour as we waited for our table. When I heard my father-in-law five seats down the bar on my right, asked the bartender if they've lost a lot of income recently. I thought that was a weird question to ask and the bartender tilted his head, also confused, and asked, what do you mean? My father-in-law replied,

you know, has the bar lost a lot of income since that one jerking his thumb in my direction, stopped drinking? My jaw dropped. My husband was sitting a couple seats away on my left and didn't hear the exchange. And the family sitting in between us didn't even blink an eye. I looked at him and said, did you just call me a lush? He was like, well, and I replied, are you really implying that I drink too much? He answered, well, I wouldn't say that in a rude way. I was at a loss for words and just said, wow, okay, and looked away, remaining quiet for the duration of the night. While my husband and I are social drinkers and enjoyed going out on date nights to bars pre-pregnancy, I've never been inappropriately drunk in front of his parents. I was so offended that he would make this remark and even more

shocked that he didn't laugh it off as a rude joke, but rather doubled down that he thinks I do drink a lot. I tried to work through this myself, but ended up mentioning it to my husband two weeks after it happened, and while he agreed that it was inappropriate and not funny, he defended his dad, saying that he knows his dad doesn't really mean it, and I shouldn't think the worst of him, which I'm finding hard not to do after being spoken about in this manner. My in-laws are not mean people, but I found them to be very inappropriate at times in their comments and actions. Leading up to our wedding two years ago, I saw a therapist to work through my anxiety about joining their family, handling their remarks, and what I consider to be

odd and off-putting behavior, and having my identity linked to them with the changing of my last name. Post-wedding, it felt like we were in a good spot and I could brush off their quirky behavior. But now with the pregnancy has become a struggle yet again, especially being the butt of his jokes. How trigger can I be? Thank you a pregnant lush. Huh. Here's the thing. I think it's a one-off bad joke, which, again, I don't really feel like makes much sense if she has never been drunk in front of them.

It just seems like a person who likes being inappropriate, like trying to be annoying almost. Yes. Which, again, I feel like it's more indicative. I think it's more triggering to her because she's like related to this man than it is even the comment. Because everything she's saying about the comment sort of supports the idea that she doesn't drink that much. Yes. Or in an inappropriate way. Yeah.

Yes. I agree. I feel like I know this person and I think he's just, and I'm not justifying it. because it was rude and untrue and all the reasons why it would be triggering because it's sort of like, you don't know me at all. You're accusing me at being something I'm totally not in front of other people that makes it's like the bartender and whoever else was there. I get that it's totally triggering.

I'm going to get, I'm going to validate that with the score. But I think he might just like not know how to engage with her. Like I think some people, that's the way they know how to engage is by like making jokes. And when there's no good joke, they just make a bad joke. Like when there's no like appropriate, like accurate joke, he's going to be like, well, you did drink some alcohol at some point. So like I'm going to try to acknowledge you in your pregnancy by making this joke that's bad and not accurate and annoying.

And it does sound like this is not the first time. Like I would almost find this more triggering if this was the first time, but she's already been, literally been to therapy about this exact thing. Yeah, I agree. It would be more triggering if they had a great relationship. He was totally normal, like nice, quiet person and suddenly made this like random joke that didn't make sense that was kind of mean-spirited.

Yeah. But that doesn't sound like the case. And maybe it's more annoying because it's not. case, but I think it should be less trigger. I could see being more annoying, but less triggering because of that. Yeah. She knows this about this man. She knows how he interacts with people and her to the point where she was like, I need to just like go to therapy to deal with this. So this might be a case for, like, review your therapy notes. Like whatever it is that you did and how you learned to deal with this when you were dealing with this initially, it might be coming up.

more now again because you're bringing like a new child into the world with this family. And there's like a new resurgence of like, wow, now we're really combining. And maybe I don't want my kid to be exposed to this. I don't want my kid to be associated with this. Like that might be what's making the sensitivity come back. Like I think she handled it. And now that she's pregnant, the sensitivity around these off color remarks is coming back. and I could see why, because it's like, oh, gosh, how is this going to go if he makes a comment about my baby or my body or, you know, the way of parenting or something that feels super sensitive?

Totally. And I think it's hard when it's like, if you have in-laws and you're like, I just don't like you. Yeah. And like we're in the same family, not by choice. and now I kind of have to just figure out how to be around you for like the rest of my life and the rest of my kids' lives. But that makes the thing that we were talking about in an earlier one, but the betchesist, even more important, carving out your own 360 degree life that isn't just about your

nuclear and extended family. Right. Yeah. I totally agree. And I think you have to just take nothing personally from this person. Right, right off their opinion as just like not important. Yeah. I don't even think it's his opinion.

That's my gut instinct is that he would have made that joke with any pregnant person that he ever saw have a drink ever. That's the feeling that I get. Like just to be able to have something to say and be friendly to the bartender. Like I've seen this. I don't know why this feels so familiar to me. There's like people that will just like do anything to, especially like if it's almost like there's a stranger in the room like the bartender somehow

like just wants to you know be friendly and engage a stranger and this this is his way of doing it. So I would just take nothing personally when it comes from him or whoever else is in this culture of just like making offhand remarks that are potentially offensive. And just like, okay, the sky is blue. Right. this person's going to make an annoying comment. And you know you're not like a drunk. So let it go.

Yeah. I'd give it a three and a half. Yeah. I'll give it. I'll give it a four. I'll give it a four. I just want to validate that it's annoying that he made it seem in front of other people. Like, especially when you're pregnant.

Yeah, that's true. I don't want to seem like I'm sitting here pregnant. You're making it seem like I'm like, this crazy alcoholic. I just like can't handle myself. That's fair. And then the dad, it's like,

the husband, it's kind of annoying that he wasn't like, yeah, he's just like really irritating like that. I'm sorry. Yeah. He was defending him. Yes.

Fine. I'm so used to it. Like, I'm sure. Right. It's like, how could you take anything he says? Yes.

Seriously. All right. I'll go with your four. I've been persuaded. Sounds good. But yeah, um, just the sky is blue.

Your father-in-law is rude. you got to just move on. Exactly. All right, let's do one more. Hi, Jordan and Dr. Naomi. Thank you so much for all that you both do. Big fan of oversharing and everything in the Betches universe. I have a quick triggered for you.

I live in a city-like suburb in the Boston area, meaning I have a standalone house, driveway, and backyard. But my neighbor's house is quite close to mine. My driveway runs between our houses, and that is about all the space there is in between our houses. Twice in the past few weeks, I have been awoken by the sound of extremely loud shoveling and snowblowing at my neighbor's house. The first time this happened, I was annoyed, checked my phone.

I saw that it was 6.30 a.m. and shrugged it off. I think 7 a.m. is technically the time activities like these are allowed to commence, so I got over it pretty quickly. However, something similar happened a few weeks later, and this time when I checked my phone, I was shocked when I saw that it was 2.30 a.m. I know that this is part of the price I pay when choosing to live in a house that is quite close to others, am I wrong to be triggered by 2.30 a.m. snow removal activities, especially when this particular storm was quite light by the Boston standards, only about two inches, so I'm not sure why it was necessary to shovel the second the snow stopped at 2.30 a.m. Thank you, a cold and

grouchy betch. P.S., it's not just me being a light sleeper. It also woke up my two other roommates, whose rooms are all in different parts of the house. Snow blowing at 2.30 in the morning is obscene. ridiculous crazy yeah valid that's if you want to brush the snow of your car that's your choice I think using any like large machinery or even like loud scraping shoveling of two inches of snow at 2 30 in the morning is right I don't know I kind of get why the guy is doing it like the fear like I think there's this big fear of I won't get to it quick enough and then it'll be too much to handle it once. You know, they always say you've got to like just do it as it comes.

Like I understand why the person who's living there is like clearly very afraid of not being able to handle whatever snow comes their way or getting out in the morning. However, they also live next to people who live a house next to them. And that's, and you can't just do whatever you want that's being a bad neighbor. Yeah. I almost, I agree. I almost feel bad for the neighbor. like the amount of neuroses that they must have to be like laying awake all night and being like,

okay, now's the moment. I can't take it anymore. I'm going out now. At 2.30 is like, I could even see like 11 or 5, but like 2.30 is like the literal middle of the night. They couldn't sleep until it was gone. It couldn't sleep. I feel bad for them. They couldn't sleep until it was gone. But yeah, this is really triggering. I totally, I could see this, but what do you even do in that scenario? I definitely think she can go over nicely or if she has their number,

send them a text or leave a note or something. A little passive aggressive note. Or just like very clearly, you know, please refrain from loud scraping, shoveling and or snowblowing. Between these hours. Between these hours.

because, you know, I can't. It woke the entire house up in the middle of the night. I think that's a very reasonable. Yeah. And I think anyone who got that note, if they were a reasonable person, would control themselves between those hours. And if that didn't work, I would call the cops.

Yeah, I guess. If the person didn't stop after getting the note or getting told that. Yeah. Hopefully, like, this will not be an ongoing thing. But I do think, I mean, you're going to live next to them next winter too. Like, they need to be aware. To give them the benefit of the doubt, she said snow removal activities. So maybe the snow blowing wasn't at 2.30 in the morning.

Maybe. I think any reasonable person, if you say no snow blowing at 2.30 in the morning, is going to have to understand that. Right. Yeah. I don't think it's, I know she's trying to say, well, I chose to live in a house that was next to other people. but like these so did they yeah that's like exactly if they lived next to no one they could do whatever they wanted it all hours of the night yeah yeah it's crazy we actually have a neighbor our next door neighbor has these like christmas lights that i guess they're like permanent

christmas lights they're all over their house and they're up still but like all year wow that's like kind of a i mean not that many people but there are people that have these lights that they're like permanently on their house. And if it's Christmas, it'll be like red and green. And if it's July 4th, they'll be like red, white and blue. And they can just change them depending on the holiday. But they just leave them up like these blue lights. And our house is like pretty close to our neighbors.

So like it's light. Like the light comes into our bedroom window at night. And thankfully we have like pretty good blind. So I, you know, we just close them all. but I'm like this is just such a weird, quirky thing that you have to have lights every night. Right. And they're blue? Right now they're like a pale blue.

Weird. Do you want me to say something when I come next month? I mean, we have good shades so it doesn't bother. But sometimes I do like I almost like to leave the shades open a little so I can wake up with the sun. Right. Like, I like to see the sun come in in the morning so I could wake up naturally so I can't really do that because they have these blaring lights that I get it if it's Christmas time or whatever.

Would you ever say anything? March. If it was bothering me and I really couldn't sleep, I'm a good sleeper, so it doesn't really bother me. But if it was bothering me, I probably would be like, hey, you know, would you mind? Right. You know, if you want to leave them on until 10, turn them back on at 5. Yeah, that's fair.

That would be fine. But like in the middle of the night, 3 a.m. you need like all these lights all over your. And I even get it. Waste of energy. And it's honestly though, that's, I think about that too. I'm like, for what? Right.

Who's enjoying it at 4 a.m.? Right. I can even say, okay, it's St. Patty's Day. And that night or that day you want to put up your green lights. But like literally, 365 days a year, it's just weird. Yeah. I get it. All right.

I would give, yeah, sleep, waking, being, well, I, I've been woken up by a snowplow at like 8 a.m. in Benadoid. So I will rate this quite highly. Yeah. I'm going to give it a six and a half. Yeah. I was going to say seven, 2.30 in the morning. If it's a snowblower, I'll give it, I'll give it a six if it was just shoveling. If it's an actual snowblower at 2.30 in the morning, I think that that person, they just need help with their anxiety.

because like you said, I feel bad. Like they're somehow so panic like they're not going to be able to get their car out. It's not like a fun activity, right? It's like they're having a wild party. Like, crazy. Yeah, I'll give it a seven. 2.30 in the morning snow blowing.

That's insane. Yeah. Being woken up at any time, I think, amplifies a trigger, like at least two points. Because it's like, you're in, you know what I mean? And especially if you're someone where it takes you a bit to fall asleep, like for me, a lot of the times it takes me a while to fall. If I finally fall asleep, deep in asleep, and then I'm woken up by something like unnecessary, I get very, very irritated.

Yeah, it's irritating. I think that's honestly, like at times, that's one of the more challenging parts of being a parent to like an older kid. Like in their baby, it's like, okay, you're a baby. You need to eat or like. Right. But once they're older and they're like, you know, Brooks will be like, I had a bad dream. And I'm like, how bad was it?

How bad was it really? Someone must have died in your sleep. I'm not how to have died in your sleep. Yeah. And sometimes he'll be like, I had a bad dream that like, you know, whatever. And I'm like, that doesn't sound that bad. Can you just handle it? I feel you.

Sleep is very important. Yeah. To our family. Yeah. When you're woken up, it's like your physiology. Like you're just not your best self in that moment, you know? So those are challenging, especially if it's a neighbor who you don't love or care about and an activity that seems unnecessary.

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