Oversharing - Dealing with Fundamental Differences in a Relationship

Episode Date: March 21, 2023

Can you prevent resentment from forming in your relationship? Jordana and Naomi start off with this week’s Oversharing email from a listener who is firm in her decision to not have children, but she is worried her boyfriend might resent her in the future if they stay together. They move on to the Betchicist submission from a “Betch Craving Quality Friend Time’’. Should you try and keep your friend group and partner separate? Or is there a way to blend the two together? Then, Naomi offers an Intention to a listener who is preparing for the loss of her beloved pet, Darcy. When you know there will be a grieving period ahead, how do you best prepare? To end, they rate some Triggered submissions about a hungry papa bear and the expiration date on privacy. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Duran-Avara. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. Hello.

Good morning. From the weekend. Welcome back. Back to reality. How are you feeling in your week post? post vacation. Oh, you know, not bad. Today was the first day back at school in a long time, like probably almost two weeks. So, and they did pretty good. They got up. They got out. Was it spring break? It was spring break. We actually let them stay like a couple of days before

spring break. So we could not have to pay as much on our vacation. Just lining it up completely with spring break. So they've been out of school three days plus spring break. And how do you feel about that? It's been a minute. That they're back. I always feel like kind of torn. It's like those moments where I'm like, okay, time for school to start. I need my quiet and alone time.

I need to work. I need to exercise. I need to do my thing. But then when they're gone, it's like, oh, well, sad. They'll be back at like two. They'll be back before I know it. And then I always remind myself of that. Right.

It's nice to have some balance, I'm sure. Totally. It's great. It's great. It's nice and quiet. So that's good. Yeah. I mean, we have, I haven't, I don't have much to bring since we just recorded on Friday.

So I guess we could just like jump right into our emails this week. All right. You don't have anything going on that you want to share? No. It's rainy. It's cold. It's a weird time of year. I guess it's the, it's the, uh, I feel like March is actually at the worst month in New York of the year.

March, not February. I used to think February. but February is sort of like over in a blink. It's like a short month. And then March is like the weather is kind of just as bad as February. And you're sort of expecting that it's actually going to be nicer, but then it never is. In New York here, it's like the flowers are blooming. You don't have to break.

It's starting to get nice out. It's weird. There's this thing in Texas where it's like the grass goes dormant. So, which I didn't know. It's like, you know, I don't know what month it is. Maybe like December. The grass all turns like this kind of. of yellowish, like golden yellow color.

And then all of a sudden, like when we got back from vacation, the grass was all like green again. It's weird. It happens in like three days. So that, when that grass turns green, it's like, ah. Well, that sounds nice. Plus you get an extra hour. So yeah. So that's also probably good for like the seasonal effective disorder.

But I do think that. Totally. Although I will say the annoying thing about daylight savings is like. we're up at 6.30 and it's really dark and that's annoying. I don't like waking up in the dark. So it's light later, but like, I don't know. Right. I mean, it's not my favorite. For us childless people, we're up at like 8.30. So it looks nice and bright. It's just more light. There's no, there's no darkness tradeoff for us on the other side. Yeah, totally. So I can't say I relate to that. But I also think that March additionally, not to to harp on the months, is like,

You've also, more than February, you've been in it longer. Like, it's just now it's been longer than February. Yes. Yes. Yes. But it's also hopeful because you're like just around the corner. Just around the corner. April's legit.

April's, you know. Yeah. It's not winter anymore in April. Although I remember living in New York. I could agree. It was like by March. Even when it's like you get that cold snap the first week in April, you're like, what the fuck?

Yeah. Like an offer. It's over. So it feels a little far away, but. Yeah. You'll get there. We will. Hop on a plane.

Come on out. You'll see some green grass flowers. I'm coming in May. Oh, yes. All right. Cool. I'm excited. The pool will be Luke.

Nice. It's going to be great. Luke like Luke warm. I'm excited for that. Yeah, Luke warm. Nice. Love it. Love a nice heated pool.

Yeah. All right. Let's do it. Okay. If you have an email you want to send it. in, you can email us at oversharing at betches.com or if you have a voicemail, you can leave us a voicemail at 646-363-6294. I'll read today's first overshare. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm a recent fan of the podcast, started listening in late 2022. So I'm still catching up on some old episodes.

So apologize if you already talked about this in an old we didn't. I'm a 33 year old female and married for six years now, 10 years in total with the same person. He is 38. We have been together and moved from Latin America to Europe together five years ago, just the two of us. So our marriage has been full of adventure. I love him. He is one of the best people I know. And so far, we have been really happy together. Early in our relationship, I told him I did not want kids in my life. He accepted, he accepted it, and that is why we were still together. And three years ago, I decided to go for the surgery, so I'm pills free now. Yeah. So I assume that means she got like her tubes tied or something. I don't know if they still call it that, but, um,

It seems kind of like archaic, but yeah, that probably is what they call it. I'm sure that's not like the medical term, but that's whatever. She got it permanently, it seems like, happened. My concern is that in the past three months, he is questioning if he actually wants to be a dad. This is something in the past he did not need from what I mean is that I know he didn't like lie in the past when we had a conversation about it. But I'm not sure if it's because all of our friends back home, or having kids that he's now thinking about it or his need will be something he'll be able to sacrifice in order to continue our relationship. As this is for me, a deal breaker, I do not want to be a

mom, no adopting, no nothing. Is there anything I can do to help him clarify if he wants to be a dad or not? How can I be so sure he is, how can I be sure that he is not waiting for a miracle to happen, which I assume she means like her changing her mind? What is the best way to approach this topic without giving the impression that I don't care if you go, but also give him my position about it. I love him, but I do not want him to resent me for not having this missing experience in the future. So I'm willing to give a step back and end our relationship if this is something he really needs. But I'm terrified to live with this fear for years and years. Thanks for the advice, Anon Mommy, fetch.

Yeah, great question. I think more people probably experience this than she thinks. because a lot of people don't really talk about this. Her strength here is that she knows what she wants, like for sure. She sounds unwavering in her decision, which is, you know, three quarters of the battle. She's not doing the thing where she's like, should I just do it? Should I give in? Maybe I could like, you know, she's not doing any of that.

She's, I don't want this. Now it's really in his ballpark to decide what he wants to do. I actually also think that it's a very, like, it's a very caring position that she has because she could have the position of like, I don't want this. And like it doesn't if, and I'm just going to be in this relationship as long as like, like, I said my thing. And if he doesn't want it, fine. Like it's on.

She, instead of putting it all on him to kind of make the decision, she's like, I don't want him to be like resentful of this is what he wants. I want him to have it. Totally. So I think that's like a very caring position. because I think a lot of people would just be like, well, I've said what I want and that's all I needed to do. And now you figure, like, whatever you want to do. Right. Either you're in or you're out, like making it behavioral.

Like it's about whether he stays or goes versus the realistic, very realistic option is that he stays and he is resentful and sad and, you know, unhappy and unsatisfied. Right. So, yeah, I agree. I think this is just, you know, this is not going to be an easy conversation. And I don't think that just because he is expressing, and I don't know exactly what he's expressing, but if he's just saying, oh, that would be nice or, oh, I wonder if, you know, I would want that or, you know, I think she can just offer to be kind of a supportive listening ear as he figures it out, which is hard because it obviously is going to affect her.

It's not like he's a neutral party. She's a neutral party in this. She's affected by his decision. but I do think if she can bring herself to just kind of allowing him to process this with her, that would be the best bet. Because this is, you know, it's almost any of these big life decisions. Like we talked a few weeks ago about the person who was looking to potentially change their pronouns and maybe change their gender identity.

This is not a decision that you're going to make overnight. This is something that is going to be a series of conversations and a series of watching your process, maybe one day you feel really strongly and the next day you don't and how often are you feeling strongly versus how often are you feeling like, okay, I like our life. So the whole idea of life is, you know, a collection of moments and sometimes to make a decision, you just have to summarize the frequency and intensity of those moments. So that is probably going to be a process for them. But I think if she can just say, look, I want to be part of this with you. I love you. I want you to be happy. I will miss our relationship terribly if it doesn't

work out. But I do want to be here for you as you explore this, which I agree with you. I think she sounds like a great partner for that. Right. Yeah. I mean, I guess the way that she's phrasing it is like, how do I let him know that like, I'm willing to walk if this is something that he wants? It's like, I guess the part that she's like concerned about coming off kind of harsh for because I mean, I think whenever anyone feels like they're sort of like unmoving on a decision and I've had this too where it's like when is it okay to be like I'm hell bent on this decision and I'm not moving? Like does that make you uncompromising?

Do you know what I mean? Like sometimes it can feel like by having a strong feeling about something, you're being stubborn or you're not willing to compromise or you're not willing to find a thing. But like when is it okay to just say like, well, I don't care. That's just how I feel. And like I don't really want to like discuss why I might want the other thing or why this decision is different or find a middle ground. Like this is just what I want. And I don't really like, I think it is because in your, in my head, when I have those feelings of like absolutism about something, I'm like, is it okay that I feel this way or is it something or is that something that I should be compromising on?

I totally hear you, but this isn't like do we get a rainwater shower or a traditional shower? This one, I think is one where you shouldn't compromise. I just, you know, I think if you are going to commit to not people like to say 18 years, but it's really like for the rest of your life to taking on this role that you don't want, I don't think that's a place where there's room for compromise. If she knows for a fact that she doesn't want this responsibility, there's no compromise there, which is why I start off by saying, like, I respect her for saying, I don't, this is not something that I'm willing to compromise because it's all day, every day for the rest of your life commitment, if you're going to do it in the way that, you know, is a responsible way to do it.

So there's certain things that I think are you don't have to compromise on. if it's like little comforts or something that makes you just kind of feel like slightly nervous or just not what you're used to. I don't know if there's others that you could think of. To me, having kids is one that's sort of like, if it's in your soul that you want to be a mother or a father, not having that, I do think can make you feel unsatisfied. Yeah, I guess it's like a binary thing. If it's in your soul to say, I don't, yeah, I don't want this responsibility at all.

and it's going to like kind of take over this life that I've envisioned going very differently. Because I guess it's not like it's like a, you can't be like a little bit of a mom. Right. Exactly. Like when you feel like on the days that you feel like it on the ways where like, you know, if you got a pet, let's say the other person was like, I don't really want a pet, but if you're going to take care of it, like it's fine, I guess. You do it.

Right. Like I guess I think that's a little bit different. I feel like some public people, some sort of. I think some people probably approach kids that way if they don't really want them, but the other person does. Like, you just do it. Okay. You do most of it. I know couples like that where it's like, okay, and it typically was the reverse.

The mom wants the dad's not really. And she's like, I'll do most of it. And you just kind of do, you know, some parts. And sometimes people grow into it. And once the child comes, usually they feel a sense of attachment and it ends up working out. But I think that if that's something, forcing someone into that. I don't think it's beneficial. I mean, even something like, another one that pops into my mind is like, where do you live,

right? Where people have breakup over, I want to live here, where my family is versus I, you know, want to live there. I want to move to, you know, London and I want to stay in the States. And even that one feels like there's a little more room for compromise. You know, that's a big deal too. But there's even like, okay, well, we can hold to homes or maybe go there every summer. or maybe go there every summer or right there's like ways that you can wiggle around that this one

I could see why this is an issue and I think it's he's not going to love the truth that she has to share which is I'm a hard no and if this is something you want and feel like you're going to be unsatisfied in then you know we can will both probably be happier you know living the life that we want because whether or not you have children is, you know, I think a huge part of your entire lifestyle. Right. Yeah. I mean, okay, so what if he decides that he does, that he's, that he's okay to give it up? And he doesn't want it badly enough to leave the relationship.

Like, it sounds like she's afraid that he's going to just say that to keep the relationship but secretly feel like a longing. Yeah. Yeah, that's tough. I mean, she can't, you know, I don't think she's going to care. I don't think she should kick him out of the relationship if he's like, no, I really want to do this. And this is something that I'm willing to give up on. Obviously, there was a part of him at some point that felt like he would rather have a child-free lifestyle.

So this isn't, you know, this happens where it's sort of like people agree to have kids and then one of them decides that they don't want it when they've already agreed to do it. Well, I think a lot of people feel this way from what I've heard about, like, a third kid or a second kid when one person's like, that's enough for me. and the other one is kind of like not interested in that. That's a big deal for couples. I see that a lot. People will come in where one wants more and the other one doesn't. Right. And that's the kind of thing where you also can't really do like a little bit.

A little bit. Right. Totally. Yeah. So there are these, you know, there are these pieces that are going and he may, he's going to have to decide, am I willing to ride out those waves of longing? Because I'm sure there's going to be a moment where he sees. a son having a catch with his father and thinks, oh, wow, like I would like that. There's going to

probably potentially be moments like that for him. And is he willing to experience that longing and grief? And he's going to have to, the one thing I would recommend for this couple is keeping the open lines of communication. So if he says he's going to stay and he's willing to give this up for her. She has to be open to hearing that he may have moments. And it's not, you know, necessarily going to be all day, every day, but he may have moments of feeling like a little sad about not being a dad. And they both have to be able to tolerate that and not have it turn into a, we, I told you, we should have broken up. I gave you the out. You didn't take it. Now you're not allowed to feel that way because you decided that you wanted this anyway. I think there still has to be

that opening for. Today I saw this. It triggered me. I felt a little sad. I just wanted to tell you about it. Right. Even if that's not something that you feel at all. Right.

But I think it will be a wedge between them if she gives him this choice. He makes his choice and then he's like never allowed to talk about it ever again. Right. I think that's going to create a lot of distance. That's where the resentment really comes in versus him coming home one day and saying, you know, I saw my nephews. and I felt really sad today. It's something because this couple could, you know,

they could have been infertile or they could have had trouble having a kid or they could have not been able to do it. And there's those moments of feeling sad about that that they would be forced to deal with. So I think just being open to each other's unpleasant emotions in the process is going to keep them connected. Yeah.

And I mean the nice thing about him being a man is that it's not as time sensitive. that he fully like figure that out. Right. So if in two years he's like, you know what, I tried this, I still really feel this longing. It's, you know, then maybe two years down the line. I mean, that probably doesn't make her feel great.

That I think that's her fear. Like I want to kind of, you know, I want to cinch this up. I want to make a decision. I know we're both in the same place. So we can move on with no potential snafus, which. Well, anything could happen. That's, I mean, that's a good thing for her to consider. or like if that happened, let's say he was like, all right, I'm, I love this relationship.

I really like doing it. And, you know, for now I'm happier in the relationship. But if down the line, he's like, I changed my mind, which again is a little bit more of an option for him, it's unfairly, but whatever it is. Totally. Is she going to be okay with him leaving at that point? And she might be. I mean, that's the beauty, again, like the beauty I think of wanting a child-free life

is that I feel like there's so many less. like time sensitive like right it takes the timeline kind of out of it yeah so it's like if you love your partner and you're having a great time like be with them for as long as it's great and then when it's not leave like that's sort of like I always thought it'd be like amazing to date as like a 40 year old divorced woman with two kids like you're kind of like you're just doing what like you can date like a man you can date like you know it doesn't like if you're having you can date for fun Like totally. Yeah, I see that. There's also not this idea of like, if you leave me, you're leaving me, like with these kids, you know, it's like, okay, you're leaving me and it's just me. Like,

I don't have to like pick up the pieces and protect these lives and there's not all this involvement. So, yeah, it sounds like if she's okay with it now, I'm assuming she could be okay with it if he changes his mind. But leaving the lines of communication very open are going to reduce the risk of her being blindsided by it too. So she's going to, you know, have her finger on the pulse of how he's feeling about it versus she thinks they have one conversation. He's over it. He's decided to stay. And then two years later, he's like, you know what, I've been thinking this whole time. This isn't working. And I'm out. Right. Which can help her feel a little bit more safe. I agree. All right. Well, let us know how this one pans out. Yeah. This is a good question.

You want to do a badgesist? Let's do it. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I'm a huge fan of the podcast and get so excited every Tuesday for a new episode. I'm hoping you can help me navigate a tricky friendship dilemma. My best friends from college have been trying to plan a big girl's trip for years. We live in different parts of the country and all have different types of work schedules, PTO availability, so we don't get to see each other as much as we like, but have remained very close over the years and talk often. We're finally narrowing down the details for an international trip and we're so excited. But now one friend really wants to bring her girlfriend. because this is a destination she's also wanted to visit. The rest of us tried to kind of gently say

we weren't planning on bringing our partners, we're all in long-term relationships, but tried to seem open-minded to the idea. I do really like her girlfriend and have fun with her whenever we're together, but I'm disappointed that my friend seems so determined for her to join this trip. I feel like this was supposed to be just the friends, especially since we get so little time together. Even though our significant others all get along, I think it would change the vibe and logistics of the whole trip. I also can't help but wonder if part of the reason why it feels different for her to bring her partner is because she's a woman. So it would still be a quote unquote girls trip versus those of us in heterosexual relationships. Her girlfriend also has a lot of similar interests as the rest of us.

So some activities that our boyfriend slash husbands wouldn't be super into like a wine tasting, spa day or lounging in pajamas, chatting and watching cheesy movies would be the things that her girlfriend would also enjoy. I'd be into couples trips in the future, but really wanted this to be just our original group. I'm not sure how to articulate this to my friend without making it seem like I don't like her girlfriend. We are all in our 30s now. Some of us are married slash engaged and no one has kids yet, but that's probably coming soon. At that point, I know it'll be even harder for these friends-only trips to happen, so I want to soak up as much of this time as we can. Conversely, my boyfriend is super supportive of this idea of it just being

a friend's trip. He usually does one to two guys' weekends trips a year, so I think he recognizes. is the importance of having separate time with just your friends. I may also have a different perspective because he and I do vacation together frequently, so I don't really feel the need to bring him along on my friendship too. Am I overreacting? Should we just have the girlfriend come along since it might not really change our plans much? Should we pick a totally different destination that none of our partners would be interested in? Am I a bad girlfriend because I don't want my boyfriend to come? Am I trying to hang on to some nostalgic feeling from the past when I should just be accepting of the reality of our lives now. Thanks for your help, sincerely

betch craving quality friend time. I thought this was a very interesting dilemma. Totally. Because I kind of, sorry, go ahead. Tell me. No. I was saying I felt like both sides of it. Because it's like, on the one hand, you're kind of like, I just want like the group that I'm comfortable with that I've known forever. And like, and like I agree with what she says. I think she's pretty self-aware. Like, I'm trying to recreate a little bit of the past here. And, like, that's sort of the whole point of the trip. But on the other hand, it's like, I agree, like, the fact that her friend's partner

is a woman kind of does make it feel. Because I think if her friend was dating, had a boyfriend that she was trying to bring onto this all-girls trip, it would feel a lot, like, a lot more crazy. Yeah, like invasive to the girls thing. I agree. Right. Which isn't fair, right? It's like gender.

But I guess that she pinpointed what it really is, which I think was interesting, is that it's more about if you had a guy who was like loved spa days and like, you know, hanging out, chatting, you know, whatever. Like maybe it would feel different. But there is this idea that they just would feel awkward doing the things that you want to do. So that makes sense. I also think there's this other part of it that's like you want to spend the. we kind of like leaning into each other as individuals. And sometimes when someone is with their partner, I can feel like that's another relationship that they're attending to.

Like it's not. And you can't like fully, you know, keep bringing up the stories of the past that you guys thought were so funny. And usually I think when you have friends from high school or college, that's like a huge part of what bonds you. Right. When you're living in all these.

Reminiscing. Right. Reminiscing. Talking about those funny things, updating about things you've heard about people from your past. Like, that's a big part of it. And I could see why you're kind of like, I don't want to have to like change that conversation because this person who's coming along doesn't really get it.

Right. I think it's a totally valid thing to want it to just be their friends. Now, I don't know how intensely like, my own thought is like, it's very valid to want it. I don't know how much she's allowed to say she can't come. Right. I agree with everything you said. However, I think in the nature of accepting the changing, you know, nature of life and that she does have this person and this person could fit in with their group, it does seem sort of a little bit

middle school to kind of be like, nope, it's the five of us and no one else is allowed to come. Because we have this click and it's, you know, I remember in middle school, it was like you would take the first initial of the names of the people in the group and create like a little acronym or like a, you know, a little clicky thing that was like very clear that we are creating this. Who's in and who's out? Yes. Who's in and who's out. So I do think a mature response would be to say, you know what? We're open to change. We're open to having your girlfriend. If this is maybe going to be someone that's going to be in her life permanently, perhaps, I don't know how serious they are. I think that matters too in some ways.

It's sort of like maybe we would invite this person into our group as another female who has similar interests and kind of allowing the group to evolve in that way, I think would be mature and maybe even beneficial. It could have a new dynamic and you could just embrace the change that is. So I do think that would be, it would be a nice thing for them to do to include this person. I do think, like you said, there would have to be a conversation of like, or the girlfriend would have to be aware that we're not going to not talk about all of our memories. We're going to still do the thing.

And if you feel left out or excluded from that conversation, that's part of you joining in with this thing that has all this history. And we're kind of, you know, happy or not so happy, whatever. We're like open to having you come. Right. But there might be moments where you feel, you know, like you don't understand what's happening. and we don't want to have to not reminisce or cut that short because we feel badly. But I do think it would be nice to say, hey, I'm open to a new reality. I'm open to maybe we add a member to our group because she fits in well.

Yeah, I think if anything, adding her to the group is only really an issue for the friend. Like, I love Mike, but I don't want him in my friend group. Like that's why I wouldn't invite him on a girl's trip. I'm like, I like this time without you. I like this time. I'm time to like connect with my friends where I don't have to tell you everything that we're talking about or explain everything that's going on. And I feel like it makes our relationship stronger because I have a full life outside of you and experiences outside of you. And so again, I don't think like that takes any thing away from the friends, especially if they like her and she's like a cool hang.

But if I were the, if I were the person, if I were the person, the friend who's bringing her. girlfriend, I would try to keep it separate for me, not for anyone else. Right. Yeah. And I could see. I think a lot of people would kind of want that to sort of have their own friendships be separate. I guess it's hard when your significant other has very similar interests. It almost could feel like excluding. Like if you're kind of like, okay, we're going on this girl's trip. We're all going to be like lounging around doing girl things and just like chatting. And Mike's probably like, that's, the last thing that I want to do. So go have fun. I have no interest in that. Yeah, it's convenient

that he doesn't want to do that. I guess it's trying to imagine a situation where he was very interested in doing all those things. Right. And even if it was an activity that he was obsessed with, even if you're like, we're doing a, you know, major league baseball park tour. You know, like we're going to hit up all the baseball parks and, you know, he probably still wouldn't want to do that. And, you know, with like all of your girlfriends that you know um are going to be having all these like deep interpersonal probably conversations or whatever you guys talk about and he's like I just want to you know watch the game and like you know not shoot the not talk the whole time or whatever he wants to do talking about reality TV and all that other right so this is a tough question I do agree

that it's kind of on the girlfriend if she sounds like the girl you know the friend with the girlfriend wants her there. But I will tell her, I think it would be nice to be open to seeing how it goes with the girlfriend there and maybe having a conversation with the friend and being honest. Like, you know, at first I did want it to kind of just be us, nothing against her. You know, I just don't want to have to feel uncomfortable for her. If we're talking about something that she just doesn't know about, I don't want to, you know, I don't want to feel badly for her feel like she's being excluded. But if you think she's fine with it and you're fine with it, then maybe we can

give it a try. But I don't think keeping it together just for the sake of like it's like, you know, the whatever, OG. Bad five. Like I don't think that's a legit reason to keep it together. No, I agree with that. And I think since they are, it sounds like they're a little older in long term relationships, like they seem like they're a little more mature.

If this was like their early 20s, I could see what. why they would be more like, you know, I'm not, we're just out of college. I'm not, I'm not trying to accept. This is like my break from the real world. I'm not trying to accept reality, which I think a lot of that is, but it seems like this is sort of the new reality and they should all get on board with it. And I think if her fear is also, and I think this can happen also when someone brings their skimming another is like they're sort of like off doing their own thing and it doesn't

really feel like they're fully there. if that's a fear of hers, I think she can preemptively bring that up. I don't know if that would be the case. Sims, like, she didn't say anything to lead itself to be that case, but I think sometimes when there's like one couple in the group, they all often like do their own thing a little bit, especially if it's a newer relationship maybe. So if that's the thing, I would just preempt the trip with that so you don't feel any like resentments and you sort of let it be known before and then just try to get over it

and maybe she'll decide not to bring her. Right. Or I think that's one positive outcome. The other positive outcome is maybe she comes and you're like, you know what? You feel like the sixth sister this whole time and like, where have you been? This is great. You're fun and you're funny. And I think if the girlfriend can be cool with like I'm not feeling excluded, I'm not giving off a vibe of like, how dare you guys not like fill me in every detail.

I'm annoyed. They keep talking about these stories that I wasn't there for. Yes. Like I, we've all been in that situation where somebody brings, maybe not a girl's trip, but where somebody brings like an outside person and the outside person is not cool with being the outside person. Like they have to be self, you know, like self assured and confident and realize that like they're not being excluded because nobody likes them. They're just, you know, this is what they're doing and I'm just here.

and I can sit back and watch and enjoy and maybe take a breather and go for a walk by myself if I'm feeling like this isn't, you know, I think if the girlfriend's cool, it'll be cool and it can enjoy it. That would be the ideal. But I do think maybe a little, like you said, a preemptive conversation of like, these are my real feelings. I'm anxious about it for these reasons, but I do really like her and maybe she could be a good addition to our group. I just, you know, these are my concerns. So. Yeah, I think that's fair. Right. That's always a tough conversation to have, but I think you'll feel better after having had it.

I agree. And I think that like at that point, she can decide given that information if it feels like that's going to be fine with her girlfriend or maybe have that side conversation with her girlfriend talking about the trip and then see if her girlfriend still wants to come. Yeah, totally. All right. Let's do some intentions. All right.

Hi, Dr. Naomi and Trudena. First, I want to say, I love the Bedges Podcasts. Oversharing you up have gotten me through some challenging times. over the last year and I'm grateful to you for that. Thank you. I'm writing because I'm going through what may be the hardest week I've ever experienced. Tomorrow night, I'll be saying goodbye to my dog, Darcy. She included a photo below. I adopted Darcy in 2015 when I finished grad school and she quickly became the most important part of my life. I've had family dogs before and I love them to pieces, but Darcy and I have a different and really special bond. For context, I'm 37 and single. I live on

my own and my work went completely remote during the pandemic. I also experienced a pretty serious bout of depression in 2018 and then again during the pandemic. I think that explains the strong bond codependency, question mark. For years, we've had a lot of time with just the two of us and she not only was a wonderful companion during the good and tough times. She very literally saved my life. Darcy is now around 13 or 14 years old and has had a brain tumor that is progressing rapidly. I know it's time to let her go and I think she's ready. However, I am very unwell. I know it's normal to grieve your pet, but I'm writing because there's an aspect of this grief

that I'm dreading and I know is going to hurt for a long time. Because we spent so much time with just the two of us, we have a lot of little traditions or habits together. For example, every week we go for a long walk while I listen to oversharing. Aw, I love that. We travel to see friends and family a lot and having her with me greatly ease the homesick feeling I usually get when we leave. Last year, I bought a townhome, and a part of making it my home has been making it

her home. Her presence is everywhere. She has so much stuff. It will be weeks of me seeing her things like beds, treats, stuffed animals before I can get everything put away. Over the coming weeks and months, there will be so many moments that I have a strong association with my time with her, and they'll feel like knives every time. I'm hoping you can help me with an intention to deal with these times where I see something

or experience something that reminds me of her. This is going to cut deep for a while, so if you have anything you think can help, I'd really appreciate it. Thank you again for all you do. Sincerely, a gutted batch, PS. I do have wonderful friends, family and coworkers. I know this comes off as me being some kind of reckless with my dog,

but that's not the case at all. I have a great support system. And then she includes a picture with her dog. I cried a little when I read this email. I know you had a very similar. kind of experience with the pet. Yeah. So I can definitely relate to this feeling of, you know, there's like a lot of trending stuff

about like how every, you know, people are obsessed with dogs, they're obsessed with their dogs, or obsessed with other, you know, not, I don't know about trending, but it's like just a big thing. Yeah, it's like a trope. Yeah. Yeah. That like, you know, dogs are better than people and like, I only come to your house to see your dog.

Even that song that's like my kids like it. That it's, she's breaking up with the guy and she's like, F you and your mom and your sister and your job, everybody but your dog. It's like, you know, like I think a lot of people can relate to like the only thing I like about my ex was his dog. That's very funny. The reason why is because animals provide all the goodies about interpersonal relationships without any of the stuff that we deal. with, right? Like the drama and the conflict and the, you know, betrayals and, you know. It's very unconditional. Unconditional and simple. You love me. I love you. You know, I know what to expect. I'm going to get the same thing every single time. And that feels really safe. So I do think and,

and then that combined with the fact that when you have an animal, they're a lot of times, like she said, even working from home and the pandemic, they are with you and you develop routines with that animal that people really don't develop with even their significant other. Like your significant other isn't like following you around the house. You know, your significant other, you know,

cuddling up on your toes at night, like laying at the edge of your bed or, you know, all these little routines. So I do think sometimes it can feel like an even bigger loss than losing a person that you don't live with because you don't have and she's, you know, honing in on the parts of losing an animal that are going to be very triggering, which are like the reminders,

the daily little bits that you don't even think of that if you lose your aunt who lives in California, it's like you're going to wake up in the morning and like see her empty coffee cup on the table, you know, and be thinking of that. So there's a lot of these reminders. reminders, like I know that, and this is probably what she'll experience that when I lost Ralphie, there were so many times when I would see like a towel, like at the edge of the bed,

like a bundled up towel. And I would like look like excitedly, you know, in the beginning. It doesn't happen anymore, which you can take solace in that. But it would almost be like these things that you, you know, you expect to be there and then they're not. And those moments are super triggering. So for sure I can validate that this is going to be tough. And I know a lot, you know, a lot of people go through this. And there's no, the only way out is through, as they say. So I don't think that she can, you know, get around this any other way, but really allowing herself to kind of be in her grief. Right. And I feel like the, I mean, the sink, The fact that she's single, and I think you, you know, I know you had Ralph when you were single for a bit.

Yeah. You kind of feel like there was, like there's this time that it was kind of like just like they were like everything. Especially like I would imagine in the pandemic where it's like that's like that's the only like other creature that was there that like went through it all with you like had the like that up and down experience. Totally. And that that's the other piece too is she talks about. that she did have an episode of depression. And I think her dog being with her during that time, a lot of times what happens is when people do experience depression,

different degrees of depression. But when you experience an episode of depression that feels scary in some way, like you really can't function or, you know, you're not getting out of bed, you're not seeing your friends, you're not performing at work, you're not exercising, like real, you know, functional depression in a way. that's impairing your functioning, there's a fear that happens whenever you start to get like a little bit sad or there's a grief process impending of like, what if I get, go there again? You know, what if it gets so bad that I'm in that place again? So I think once you've experienced that,

it becomes traumatic where it's like now not only am I dealing with whatever I'm dealing with, but I'm dealing with the fear of having it like knock me off my ass, which is, you know, that's scary. So I think the fact that in the past, when she had that, she had her dog with her. And now, you know, she not only may end up going through something like that, but she's going to have to do it without her dog probably feels doubly scary. But so all this, all this validation might be making her feel worse. Too much validation. Too much. So that is not my intention. But I will say that it does get easier. And time will he. So the intentions that I wrote for her in terms of how to kind of go through this process and how to stay focused with intention as you're going through.

This is I wrote two. One is I will honor my grief process with acceptance and presence. I will recognize when I'm judging or fearing my emotions. So allowing herself to be in her moments of grief. I'll honor it with acceptance and presence and not, you know, and then the second part was I'll recognize when I'm judging or fearing my emotions. So that's the part that takes the, that's like the feel your feelings piece without thinking about your feelings. Okay. So what's an example of something that she would feel that she might judge herself or judge the feeling for like, can you get me?

I'm just a depressed person. Why is this taking me so long? This isn't normal. Nobody else feels like this. Why, you know, I'm going to. And then the, you know, fearing my emotions is the part where she's like, oh, no, because I, because right now I feel so, I'm so physically affected by this that it, then the fear is I'm going to end up not going to being able to get out of better. I'm going to end up in another depressive episode or I'm going to kind of predicting forward what's going to happen based on. the experience that she's having in that moment, instead of just allowing it to be, this belongs, this is here right now, means nothing about tomorrow, means nothing about

four hours from now, this is just what I'm experiencing in this moment, and not, this doesn't mean anything about you as a person, about your mental health, about your future, about anything. It's just a feeling. And that leads me to my second one, which is, is I will give myself the strength to grieve by recognizing that the waves of emotion have a beginning and an end. So when she's in that wave and it feels like it's so heavy and like she said, the way she describes it, knives and, you know, this is going to cut deep. And, you know, when she's in that moment of feeling like she's being stabbed through the heart, recognizing to help her gain the strength, that that feeling is going to start and it's going to end.

And it might come back the next day, but it's not going to be unrelenting all day, every day, forever. That's a fact. You know, that feeling is going to start, it's going to end. And if she can remind herself of that, if she's going through it, it'll give her the strength not to push it away and turn it into a judgmental. That's what our minds like to do when something feels bad. we turn to our brain to like yell at us for feeling that way. Yeah. And it creates a little bit

of a distraction because now maybe it's not so sad. Now maybe it's like angry or it's a little frustrated or frustrated or you're trying to create a, what's the matter with me? I need to do this to make me feel better. I need to do that. I need to, you know, it just takes it and turns it into something other than what it is, which is just deep grief. And if she lets it sit there. Makes it to a problem to be solved. Yes. Yeah.

Exactly. Exactly that. And then once you turn it into a problem to be solved, now you're like off on a side track that then you need to get yourself back into the real track, which is just feeling the feelings, accepting them, letting them live there for as long as they will. the more you create a problem to be solved, it just stretches out the whole process and makes it take longer. Because now you're off on a track of problem solving and not really, you know, doing the work of feeling your feelings, which will come and will go if you're in it. If you distract yourself and you allow yourself to get into that other mode, it's going to, it makes the grief process feel like it's, maybe it's like a softer version of grief.

but it's a longer, softer version of grief. It's like picking at a scab, I feel like not like fully letting something like heal or feel bad. Or like, almost like tanking pain meds sometimes where you're like. Yes. Yeah, I could see that where it's, you know. Temporarily making you feel better, but then the come down of it is like bad. Right. You're not really like, you know, focusing where you know.

need to focus, which is like healing yourself. So yeah, I feel bad for her. This is not, it's not going to be fun. You know, she's in for a bit of a ride, but you can do it. You can do it. You know, just let the waves come. I love the wave analogy because it's almost like, if you've ever been in a rough ocean and if you just like sit there and you're like afraid that the wave is going to hit you

and you're not like willing to dive into it, then it ends up like really tossing you around versus like, okay, I'm just going to close my eyes and I'm going to dive into the bottom of this thing and like have faith that I'm going to pop up on the other side eventually. And then it's done. Is there like a, and I know this is like a weird question. Maybe it doesn't have an answer, but like is there is there a time that you can't expect to be grieving? And then it's like, does it ever end?

Is there a, is it like a clinical? Oh, like a time frame you're saying? Is there a clinical time frame in which like you're supposed to feel better or something? I don't, I don't know. Yeah, I mean, you know, DSM and all that, they do tend to come up with numbers of like what's normal and not, but I honestly would give it zero weight. I think it really, you know, varies person to person. And I think it varies depending on how you're leaning into it, you know.

Like if you're going out and you're distracting yourself and you're drinking and you're doing drugs or you're just distracting yourself, it probably is going to take longer because you're not really accepting. Feeling feelings. Yeah. So I can't put, I wish I could. I can't really say that there's a number. But I will say that if you're doing it, if you're doing the work and counseling would help

and there's no, believe me, counselors see people for pet loss. That's a thing. So don't be ashamed to go in and say, you know, this is what I'm dealing with. It's huge. But if you're really processing that in the right way, I can't say how long it will take, but I know that it will get better over time. Well, that's, I'm sure, encouraging for the listener. Thank you for sharing because I know a lot of people can relate to this.

So I was glad that we did this question. For sure. Let's move on to some lighter triggers. Yes. Some of these were really funny. I'm excited. It's very funny. I really enjoyed this.

Hi, Jay and Dian. Are we saying this? Huge fan of the pod as well as you up. Sure. You could be D.N. I have a triggered scenario that might be a bit on the lighter end. My boyfriend and I have been living together for a year and we each have one child from a previous relationship.

Overall, it's great and the family blending has been smooth. But here's my triggered scenario. I do all the grocery shopping, which includes buying easy-to-go snacks and treats that we put into our kids lunches for school. He stays up late and snacks routinely getting into their stuff like a bear. Recently, he ate a whole box of cookies and then the kids had no treat in their lunch. He ate all of his four-year-old son's Halloween candy and my seven-year-old daughter has gotten smart enough to start hiding her candy or birthday loot bags or any little treats in her room to protect them from this animal. At first, it was funny, but now it's getting

annoying because he doesn't give me any heads up that the snacks have been demolished. He'll quietly hide the rappers and evidence and wait until the school morning scramble for me to realize we have nothing. I've tried the just buy more snacks approach, but that translate to just eat more. What would you do? Snack starve betch. This is very funny. This is very funny.

It sounds like there's a little bit of an eating disorder, like a binge eating issue going on here. Right. You're trying to eat anything in the house. Like the more she buys and the more he just eats. If you find yourself in a luncheables at like 1 a.m. You might have a problem. Smearing the cold sauce onto those like hard crackers with the. Right.

It's not even good. Yeah. It's disgusting. Yeah. So I don't know. It sounds like she's tried a couple of strategies, including hiding the food. Right. I mean, this is pretty triggering because especially because it's like her, it's not even like, like, okay, he has this issue where he's binge eating.

It's like, and I have to, like, and there's, you're taking food away from the kits. Like, and I have to, I'm the one who has to deal with it. Yes. And I can relate to that morning thing where you just want to like get everybody's lunch packed and out the door. And then there's nothing there. And he's sitting there with like chocolate on his face. You know. That's annoying.

Maybe what you can do is you can say, look, I will do the grocery shopping. You are going to be packing the kids lunch in the morning. So if there's no snacks to put in there, you can run out to 7-Eleven, like make him kind of have to deal with the consequences of his binge eating where it's sort of like, if I'll do the grocery shopping, you pack the lunches. So if there's nothing in there for him to pack, then he will, he's going to have to replace or be mindful like, okay, I'm packing the lunch in the morning. what am I going to put into the lunch?

See, I'd be afraid of that he would just be like, here's $2, go buy lunch. Or like, okay, they won't have a snack today. And like, I mean, we talked about this before where, like, it seems like, moms are maybe a little more invested in everything going, like, how they wanted to go. But I would be worried about him, like, solving the problem in a way that I don't approve of. Totally. Right. That he'll be, like, throwing, like, a handful of peanuts, like, directly into the lunchbox.

Yeah. floating around. Right. Yeah. Like I would say, I would just be like, I actually, I like work really hard. I do all the family grocery shopping. That's something I don't have to do. I like, it's important to me that the kids are like well nourished and they have the

snacks that I buy for them. Like, can we discuss this problem of yours? Right. Right. This definitely needs a conversation. And for her to say that, you know, yes, it was funny in the beginning, but now it's starting to make me resentful. and angry.

And so I, you know, if he's a reasonable person, unless he legitimately has like binge eating disorder, which I'm not even joking, it sounds like there is some type of an impulse control, emotional eating thing going on there, in which case maybe he needs treatment for that. You know, so like if she has this conversation in a real way where she's like, okay, it was funny. Now it's not funny. Like you're eating the disgusting like candy, you know, goody bags with like ring pops and you know whatever else is in there that are not meant for like

really adult consumption is this something that you're having a hard time controlling maybe that's the approach that she takes it's like it was funny it's not really funny it's starting to bother me if you can't help yourself how can I help you like what's going on here is there a bigger issue um and let's work on it together because this is starting to make me feel really angry nothing makes a man fall into line more than you trying to talk to him about what he's, his feelings about what he's doing excessively. He'll be like, right, right. Fine, as long as we don't have to talk about this again.

I mean, kind of. It's kind, but it's, you could see where it's like, okay, like, you have this late night eating habit. It doesn't, it didn't bother me before. Now it actually seems to be affecting like the way that I'm doing my morning. So if you want, like, it would be great. If you, if you can't stop doing it, we're going to need to get you some help. Yep.

See how quickly he starts to pack those one of the call dunkeroo's. Yeah, like, I don't, I mean, he could discuss why he does it or like what, you know, what might help him not do it. I guess only he would know since she's saying more snacks, more is not helping. Yeah, or me, you know, I guess I don't know if this is the case. I doubt it. But maybe he, he wants to be cared for in the way that like he wants snacks that are like his snacks.

So I see you're laughing. You know, maybe he feels like he wants a little bit of that mommying from her where she's like, you know what, honey, I bought you. This is just for daddy. Note these are daddy snacks. Nobody touched daddy snacks. And you can have your own stash of snacks that the kids can't touch. So maybe that would be helpful.

And he can come and pick out the snacks that he would like or he can place his order. And those are his snacks. Maybe he feels jealous and he doesn't get any snacks. Maybe. Let's get to the root of this. Also, like, I don't know. Is he like drunk eating it? Is he like whatever?

Yeah. I think you could be like, we can't have a situation where like my daughter is hiding food from you because like her like treats. Yes. That doesn't make me feel confident in co-parenting with you. Totally. Totally. It does seem like a simple solution like, okay, just hide the snack somewhere where he can't find

them. But it's also kind of like, well, Why do we have to live this way? No, not a good way to live. I think this requires a little bit of a, like a more serious. Like, we're laughing and it's funny and they probably have found it funny. But now at this point, like, it's time to get serious. I'm just imagining, like, I'm divorced.

My child comes back from, like, if it were the other way around, like, their dad's house. And they're, like, they're going to school without any lunches. It's because they're, like, stepmom. It's been eating all of them. Right. It's like, get it together. Yeah, totally. I think, I would say this is like, the first time I think it, I agree, it would be funny,

but that second time I would give it like a six or a seven if it was actually like stopping the children from being fed properly. Right. Or just in the stopping the children from being fed or like just complicating her morning where she's like now scrambling, you know, in the back of the pantry for like a leftover bag. of squash chips to throw in the, you know, the lunch. It's just make, it's just stressful. Mornings are stressful already. So yeah, I agree. Okay. If this, and if this doesn't stop after a serious conversation, then it's like an eight. At this point, I agree. Maybe a six.

Okay. Good luck. Let us know, let us know which snacks they are. I think that will make it funnier or less funny, depending on what you're doing. Totally. Okay. Let's do one last one. Hi, Dr. Naomi, getting right to it. I love the pod. While my sister and I were at our parents' house, she found my childhood diary in my old room and thought it was so hilarious that she decided to read it out loud to our other family members without giving me any heads up. When I realized what she was doing, I asked her to stop and she just said, no, but it's so

funny, as if that gives her permission. I hadn't seen that diary since I was a kid and I had no idea what was in it, so I felt anxious and embarrassed as she started to read it. Thankfully, the entries weren't even that bad. It was just me complaining about my fifth grade boyfriend. I can't help but feel a little violated, though. That was supposed to be private and a part of me feels protective over my inner child. It doesn't think it's fair for her thoughts to be read and mocked,

especially out loud to a group of people, just because some time has passed. Should I be triggered? Does privacy have an expiration date? Sincerely, little sisters will always be nosy. I thought this was triggering. I agree. I think that would be triggering too. It's kind of like only I'm allowed to make fun of my like fifth grade self.

Like you don't get to make fun of her. Totally. And she pimped. It's funny because she nailed it. I didn't realize at first even like why that felt so triggering. And she said it was like the respect that she has for her inner child, that like person that did at one point exist in this world, that technically that person doesn't really exist anymore, but wherever she is, she deserves that respect.

Like, if that was a real fifth grade girl who was, like, having her feelings thought and mocked, it would be, like, child abuse, you know, like, it would be really emotionally abusive. So I could see why it feels like that little girl's still in there and she's protective over her. And I think everyone can remember, like, a moment from, like, their childhood that they felt like they said or did something kind of cringeworthy. And it still makes you feel, like, a little weird. knowing, even though it's not you now, knowing that it was you then, you still feel like,

even like that embarrassment still kind of like, you still feels in you. Yeah, totally. I totally agree. It's an interesting philosophical concept, that idea of like there was a you, the physical body of you, like, that's still that's, you're still that same person, but you're totally not. Like that person's almost gone from this earth, but you're still here. Right. But they're not entirely gone. Like if you found a diary from when you were 20 and that's 20 something years ago, you would still be like, that's not me anymore.

I don't necessarily feel any of these things anymore, but that's still like me. Totally. Well, it's funny because I have people that will come in and feel really badly or regretful, like someone who's, say, like 35 or 40 years old that feels like really, badly or regretful about something that they did when they were like 16 or 17. And I'm, you know, the part of me that's detached from it is sort of like, that's not you. Don't, that was a different person. That was like a young child with a not a fully developed brain and you were going, you know,

like you're not that person. You don't have to almost feel so responsible now at this age for that person's actions. But there isn't that we're still that person. even though it's so long ago you can't totally detach from that. Right. There's parts of you that you still see in that person or remember why you were thinking that way. So I agree. I think that's triggering her sister sounds kind of immature.

Yeah. Or just not like not sensitive to that, to that like respect for the inner child, which I love that. I mean, we've talked about that on here before. I use that respect and love and care. and tenderness that a lot of people do have for their inner child as a way to help them heal in the present, you know, because that inner child sometimes carries wounds that we don't, have never been attended to properly. And if you, as a fully grown adult, can care for that, you know, be sensitive and like the most sensitive. Like you, you can understand that child

better than anyone you were that child. But now almost creating that separation, I know that child inside and out, but I'm not that child. And I can kind of be a caretaker to that child. It's a powerful experience. So I'm glad that she has, the bright side of this is that this listener is aware that she is in touch with her inner child and has that. So if she ever does feel like she needs to do some of that work, I think that that's something that's going, is a tool that she can use for, you know,

to improve her mental health. get, you know, heal from old trauma because some people really can't get in touch with that. Like, they just can't feel it. Like, I've tried that work with some people. And they're just like, I can't get there. I can't do this. I can't get there. So.

Yeah. I mean, if I were her, I would say that's my diary, still my diary, even though it's later. If I think it's funny, I'll share it. Yes, totally. It's my, it's my, I'm the one who gets to decide if it's funny. And so if I think it's, you want to, you can find your diaries. you think they're funny and share it. Maybe I'll think they're funny. But like, because it's mine and because it's me, like, I get to decide. Totally. And she may have if it was hers and she was sharing

it on her own volition, she may have said like, oh my gosh, this is so funny. Look what I was thinking about when I was 10. Right. I mean, it's, it's also just like it's everyone's a lot. I think it's, it feels when you make fun of yourself, it's less like, it feels less mean than when someone else is making fun of you. Yes. Totally. Yeah, and it just, I agree. It's that respect for that child that would not have wanted sister, aunt, whatever, you know, it was to be violating her privacy. It's tough. Kids, kids are little people and they deserve their privacy too. Like, I know that my girls have journals or diaries that they write in. And as much as I'm curious about what their little, you know, workings of their mind are, like, that's their thing, you know. Right. And now, I mean, when, so when you're 27 and. and you find them in the house, not going to read them? No. They're going to send them back. And if they want to share them, it would be funny and it would be so cute and I would love to hear it. And I'm sure if I gave them the chance to do it, like you said, if she wants to share it, she probably would have.

You know, if she handed it back to her and said, oh my God, I found your diary from you or a little girl. I'm sure she probably would have opened it right there and been like, oh my gosh, look at what I wrote. But it's because she decided to do that. I agree. Violated. Yeah. I'd give this. Yes, I did literally feel a little triggered by this. I would give this like a seven. Well, we've, we've come from a home where a diary might be read if it was found. Yeah. So it's good that we've learned not to do that from from experience. So I would say, yeah, I'd give this six or seven. If it was her current diary, it would be like a 10. Like it was like her diary from today.

Oh my gosh. Yeah. We actually get a lot of emails about people like reading diaries or any of that. I think looking through a phone is also kind of like reading a diary. Right. Seems like the modern adult equivalent. Right. And I think there's a lot of people who write in who either do that or have someone

have done that to you. And I think that's a very, it feels like a very, very big violation. Yeah. I agree. there are some things that you are allowed to have your own inner world that nobody else is privy to. All right. Well, good luck. Tell your sister that we disapprove.

Tell her to write in with why she thought that was okay. Yeah. But that's it for today's episode. All right. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales Pico, and Rebecca Salas McHale. Editing by Massilio Perez.

Yes, booking by Allie Friedlander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches