Oversharing - Did I Ruin My Relationship? I Read My Partner’s Journal

Episode Date: April 29, 2025

Jordana and Dr. Naomi discuss parenting styles when it comes to a child’s extracurricular activities and reflect on their own experiences from growing up. Things get juicy when the Overshare reveals that a listener has invaded her partner’s privacy by reading his journal and now she needs help deciding how to feel and what to do next. Should she tell him? Should she let it be? The hosts discuss and Dr. Naomi brings her couples therapy experience to the situation. The Betchicst this week poses the question of whether or not “outsourcing” help with parenting means you are not maternal enough and explores the many styles in which we can choose to raise our kids (should we choose to have them). Dr. Naomi helps a listener set an intention around her dating anxieties and helps remind us all that self love and direct communication can be the keys to finding inner relationship peace. The Episode closes out with the Triggered segment with a gossiping therapist and a listener who needs some perspective on how to manage her long distance friendship better. Subscribe to our Youtube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@EverythingsFineBetches Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How's it going?

How are you? How was your weekend? Weekend was hectic. A lot of social time. I did another volleyball, club volleyball weekend in Kansas City. So went on a plane with a bunch of 11-year-olds to, you know, watch them play volleyball, which is the whole thing. Every time I do it, this was our last one.

This sounds expensive, like a lot of traveling. It's expensive. I mean, it's, you know, I justify it by saying like it's instead of summer camp. She has this really fun, like, sleepover social experience with these other. their girls and they're doing something they like. But it's, I mean, it's, I look around sometimes. I'm in these huge convention centers and there's just thousands of parents that are so intense about their kid, like bopping this ball around a room.

Right. And look, I'm an athlete. I love sports. I get it. But when you step outside of it, it's kind of insane. I remember asking to play club volleyball and the answer was no. Really? There was, yeah, there was going to be no, because it was expensive.

Oh. It was, you know, at the time, I think at the time it was like $2,000 or something. And now it's definitely more than that. I mean, that's a lot for what year was it like 1990? 92 or something. Yeah. So I got it. I didn't do it.

I ended up making my way without it. But it's a different world now. Like if you don't, it's a whole different world. If you don't start playing a sport by the time you're like eight. it's like you're geriatric, you're out. There's no hope for you. Hope for you for what, though, to like be an Olympian? Right.

I think a lot of people have, first of all, I just think it's an interesting insight into the maximizing, wanting my kid to be special. And I think the hope is like maybe a college scholarship for a lot of people. Right. But by the time you pay $5,000 a year plus travel expenses for, you know, Just use that money to pay for school. Pay for college. Totally.

So I think people are sort of delusional. I get it. I get wrapped up in it. Like I get into like I see some parents. They're like jumping up and down and screaming and like I get it. I get intense too. And then you know, and you're in a moment. You're enjoying yourself and when it's good, it's good.

There's a lot of tears. You know, it's very, it's almost sports in general. We do have. we survived by being tribal, by like supporting our tribes and beating out other tribes and having that community tribal vibe. So we don't have these little local wars anymore. So we create them with sports teams. And we get that like itch scratched as humans. It's that's what it is. Right. And we don't, I mean, it doesn't even have to be sports. It could be like academia. It could be like anything that you kind of compete on. But I was worried about that like with your

the parenting style thing because like again I think that like a lot of the way we were raised leaves a lot to be desired but some parts of it are nice and we're kind of but to me and again I understand it's not the same with a dog or with a kid but I see like it's funny I see like Mike being more intensely like disciplinarian like rules boundaries and even though I didn't really like that about our childhood I think like looking back I'm like could have used we could all use like more structure and discipline and like stuff that's definitely like how I lean. I feel like it's probably how you lean to. I mean, our house is not very, we're, because Jeff and I are both like type B. So we have a very type B house. Like plans are made the day of. There's not a lot

of like same, you know, exactly what's happening at whatever time every single day. It's, I took a lot of that. And I do think there's a lot to be said. like more hands off parenting. And you don't notice any consequences. I guess it's kind of like nature versus nurture, like if your kids maybe needed more of that. I think it's probably kid dependent, right? Totally. I think it's kid dependent. I think some kids need more of that. Some kids, somewhere in the middle is probably the best, but it's almost like the same thing with like a kid that likes volleyball. It's sort of like if they're really good, if they're really going to do something great with it. I think that's going to happen for them. Like the best athletes are going to find

their weight at the top. They don't need to have all this craziness. You know, they could play in a rec league and kill it. And then when they're in high school, someone's going to see them and they're going to be on the team. Training is great. And it is nice to get like expert training and all this kind of thing. But I think it's sometimes it gets a little carried away or like if your kids academic and they're into it and they feel good, it makes them feel good. Like I think they're going to do it. I don't think they need you breathing down their neck. Right. To do it.

Yeah, that's true. I mean, it's kind of like, I guess it's sort of like, it seems like it more it matters for like the kid who's like border. Like obviously the kids who are like genius, gifted, whatever, like they're going to make it kind of no matter what. But it does seem like. And the kids who were never going to make it are never going to make it anyway. But like almost like the kids who were on the border maybe like where you're like,

if you could just, you know, with just the right encouragement or something. Like they have this skill, but not the motivation or something like that. I don't know. Like I feel like that's probably where it gets a little sticky. Yeah. It's very hard to find the balance, I think. Because you get, it's like me with this club volleyball thing. Like I found myself in this intensely competitive environment.

And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Now I need this. I feel like we need to back off of this. This is too much. We're caring too much. Right. Yeah. Interestingly, I'm doing this.

exercise in my groups where I'm having people kind of jot down the first half of the week they're going to think about like what are their sticky thoughts? What are they're like ruminating repetitive? What's the content like the general content of what you're thinking about? Like throughout the day. Most frequently throughout the day or before bed when you're trying to fall asleep or just when you're like have a quiet moment. So they're going to write down all the thought like the ones that keep popping back up. And the idea is like it might seem. like a silly thing, whatever the thing is. And then you stop and you after you realize what the

patterns are. And then everybody's going to go down and be like, well, what am I really clinging to or what am I really afraid of? Like what is underneath this that's creating all this intense, you know, thought? Like by the thinking, we're trying to control something or prevent something or, you know, achieve something. And it is helpful sometimes if you get down to the root of it and figure out like what is it that I'm really working for here and then look at that thing. It almost feels like a-and-revaluate it. It feels like a food diary for your mind. Yeah.

You know? Yeah. Instead of writing down everything you're eating, you're writing down everything you're like thinking when you get off on a tangent. And then start to notice the patterns, but then like the deeper piece of it where it's like, we talk about like, you know, you make fun of me like, oh, my goal for my kids is for them to be average. but I think that's because I know I have this fear, deep fear underlying of them being average.

Interesting. I'm like, I'm into this competitive tribal thing. Otherwise, I wouldn't have signed up for this. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, you'd have just been like have fun on the regular middle school volleyball team. So I think that kind of tribal part of me is in there and I'm like fighting against it. And so when I stare at it in the face, I'm like, I need to kind of find some moderation there and recognize that there is a fear and address it.

Well, you yourself were a star volleyball player, so I'm sure there's something lingering in there. Yeah, like I felt a lot of joy. I felt a lot of like self-confidence. And I think really underneath it is like, for a lot of parents, I think it's like you just want your kids to have confidence to feel good about themselves. But because it's volleyball, is it also maybe like you want her to be like you a little bit?

Yeah, I guess that could be it, but I do it with the other two also with their own things. Okay. You know, like Brooks with like whatever his sport is or like Lila with like her academics or like I do it with all of them in this way where like I spend a lot of time thinking about their shit that like I don't think. Right. Ultimately it's going to matter so much. Well, what else you do? going to think about. That's another part of it. You know what I mean? Like, what else? Like, what am, like, what else will we think about if not, like, creating your, your breath, the sounds in your space?

We can't do that all day, right? Like, we can't just, like, I mean, unless you're like a monk, like, I feel like you can't just sit around all day, just, like, noticing the way. It's almost like on The Bachelor. And I think our brothers would always talk about this, like, make fun of it. And it'd be like, couples in normal relationships aren't just sitting down talking about their connection and their relationship like all day long, like during the entire date, like all the time, like assessing and discussing the relationship. Right. Like, I don't know.

Like, what else are you supposed to? Like, can you have a healthy thought that's not like I'm noticing my breath and the way that the sun is hitting the rock? Yeah, you could have a gratitude thought. I mean, I think if it's a practical thought or if it, like this, I notice these thoughts and then it helps me get back to the root of it. Right. In the moment, it doesn't feel pleasant, really, if I'm being honest, you know, ruminating about

which coach and which team. Like, I'm kind of like, shut up. This is stupid. And I'm back. Right. Well, that's why your and I'm back thing is legend I'm back. I literally did that this morning. This is me this morning, like when I first woke up.

And then I literally was like, and I'm back. I keep like meaning to do that and then I forget. Maybe I'll write that down somewhere. I can see it. I've been having these like terrifying tick dreams. Oh no. I have a dream that they're like and then I have like a phantom itch. Yeah.

You know where you're like in bed and I'm like you're like, do I need to do something about like and it's nothing's there. Like it's never that but it's that's almost like worse because if something was there you could remove it and go back to sleep. But you're just like the fear that it's on you or somewhere. Yes. like this terrifying thing. I don't know. I could see that. I hope this doesn't last all summer for you.

Same. I mean, I've done it all. I've gotten everything sprayed. I bought like the home sprays. People have been DMing me. People are like, people have a lot of thoughts about.

A lot of tricks. Yeah, a lot of tricks, a lot of thoughts. So many emails about the tick thing. So many DMs I've gotten so many products. I've been suggested. I bought them all. You single-handedly supporting the tick repellating companies.

Yes, community, yes, exactly. But enough about the ticks. Thank you for all your DMs and suggestions. And please don't email me any terrifying stories of something bad that happened when someone got good by a tick. You're so hypervigilant that you're going to be okay because there's no way you're going to have a tick on you and not notice it. Yes. And I'm currently on doxycycline, which. you're supposed to take from getting, so even if I got bit right now, like I'm already currently

on the medication. Oh, great. You should just go for a barefoot frolic in the woods right now. Totally. That's exactly what would soothe me. Well, let's get into our show. We've got some great emails and keep writing in. And Naomi, if you want to join Dr. Naomi's groups, how do they find you? Go to Naomi Bernstein.com. You can find out all about the groups. You can fill out a form to get hooked up with the best group for you. So yeah, right now we have some Monday evenings and Tuesday during the day, Wednesday morning. Those are the times we have available. But even if those times don't work for you, let me know, like still fill out the form and we'll have you on a list for something that might work down the line. So Naomi Bernstein.com. Check it out. And if you want to subscribe

to this podcast, you can subscribe on Apple or Spotify and we do two bonus episodes. They're out every second Thursday of the month and you get the episodes a day early and ad free. It's a great way to be a little bit more connected, a little bit more intimate with the show. And we love doing those episodes for you. So thank you guys for listening. And guys, we are on YouTube. If you haven't watched us yet on YouTube, it adds another element to the show. We love doing it. Watch us on YouTube. You can see Ronnie might make a couple of appearances. Right now he's under my couch. And yeah, great way to check out the show. All right, let's get into it. All right, I'll read our first overshare. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, thank you so much for all you do. I'm a fan of all

things batches and Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays have become my favorite days. I have a dilemma and I'm currently spiraling. My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. We are planning on moving in together in two months. He is a very sensitive guy and I tend to lean the opposite way and classify as a typical avoidant. He often journals in times of stress or when we were fighting. He has a therapist he has been seeing for years and she always encourages this. Well, he made the mistake of his journal at my place right by my work computer and I just couldn't help it. I read it all. Wow. His mistake. Yeah. He made a huge mistake and trusted me his girlfriend of two years that he's about to move into. What an idiot. All right. There was a lot of entries of him saying

he needs to do better, such as stop drinking as much, eating cleaner, work on his business more, and many entries that he wants a future with me and things are going well, et cetera. The majority of his centuries, though, were when we were in a fight and he is questioning if this is what he wants. There's one particular stating that I'm not like his ex because she was by his side no matter what. And the worst sentence read this. What am I missing? Not the sex. That's not great.

Not someone who's hot, nose chin. Not a great personality. What is this a poem? Like it's written. How romantic. Right? I am fuming. side note i believe it said nose chin it was a little hard to read his handwriting but i'm guessing

he has a problem with my nose and chin i'm incredibly hurt and i know i invaded his privacy but am i just supposed to say nothing am i supposed to move in with someone who secretly doesn't enjoy our sex life doesn't find me attractive and thinks i don't have a great personality i know if i mention this to him he will be extremely hurt the first page in the journal says i have to be careful what i write because i don't want my name to read this. So I tend to bottle things up, which I shouldn't do. How triggered can I be? X-O, a nosy chin betch.

Yikes. Yikes. Well, I think you can be extremely triggered. I think anyone who reads this would be extremely triggered. However, this is the bed that you made. Yeah. And now you open the box. Yeah, this was not.

She knows it. I hope that this is not cool. That's the place where he gets to say whatever he wants and no one's going to read it. I mean, it seems like a little bit of a sign of like, obviously it's messed up in itself, but I do think almost like the fact that she read it either says she doesn't trust him. I don't know. There's something, there's some sort of like disrespect, I think, there that she wouldn't respect that it's his private journal.

Right. It wasn't even like his phone and like a text popped up. It's like she knew exactly what it was. Knew what it was and went in there. Yeah, that is not okay. Which I hope she realizes that that's not okay. But it's done. She did it.

You can't undo it. I'm sure this happens a lot when you, and couples therapy. I'm sure you've seen this frequently. Yeah, I've definitely seen this. I get it. It's very tempting. But I think like you're pointing to it's more tempting when you feel like,

there's things that you, that your partner is thinking and feeling and experiencing that you don't know about. Right. Like if you saw Mike's journal, like, I don't know. Yeah. Like I kind of probably know what mostly is going to be in there or like, well, it's like someone's phone. Like if it's like you see their phone, you're like, oh, I have a, I have a sense for like the kind of things that they're doing on there. Right. So I do think it points to maybe a lack of communication in some respect that she really doesn't feel like she knows what's, going on for him. And she does say, mention this piece about like him,

her being avoidant and him being more sensitive. So maybe that somehow is getting in the way of them being able to communicate so that she's not so curious about what he's experiencing and he can maybe share some more of what he's feeling with her. What to soothe her, right? Because I get it. You probably feel terrible. You did this thing.

You got all this, you know, information, hurtful information. that you didn't, you know, think you were going to get in there and now you have to sit with it. So like, I get it. What I think could make you feel better is that this was probably in a moment. They were in a fight. He was maybe trying to convince himself like, I can be okay without her. Right. Because X, Y, Z reasons.

Like, I think that was probably him. Like, if you think about your worst fight ever, that you ever had with your partner where you were like, I'm so angry that I am thinking of ending this relationship. And I'm going to conjure up the evidence that like, this isn't the person for me. That's what you read, I think. Right. That's why it's so hard when you do this because obviously, like I say this about a phone all

the time, but this is more direct. It's like you're certain you can't really police someone's thoughts. Yes. This is exactly what that is. sure she's had, again, maybe not these exact thoughts, but negative thoughts about your partner in the time of fighting. Yeah. To say them and to think them are two different things.

Right. So what might make her feel better is like if she were to think of the worst thing she ever thought, I'm sure there's some physical feature of your partner that's not like your favorite thing, whatever it is. Like, I mean, unless you're dating someone you think is completely physically perfect or emotionally perfect, yeah. Right. So, I mean, I think like the physical piece and the, I mean, the sex thing, that's worth talking about.

The fact that he wrote about your nose and your chin, that's nothing worth bringing up because I'm sure if you could think of something that was imperfect about his looks in a moment where you're trying to convince yourself out of being with him because you guys are in a fight, you could come up with it. But I think some of these things are worth exploring and communicating about. and I don't think you need to say, I read your journal in order to do it. So you don't think she should tell him? I mean, look, I think ethically she should tell him, but is that realistic? Is she going to really tell him?

Like, look, my advice is always be as honest as possible. So I do think that if she could tell him and their relationship is strong enough, they'll make it through. And the, you know, the conclusion at the end of the day is, We need better communication. I had a feeling you were feeling some things that you weren't saying to me. I felt insecure.

I read your journal. It was horrific. I'll never do that again. Like it's a complete invasion of privacy. I'm ashamed of myself for, you know, doing that, whatever, whatever, get to the end of it and have a better relationship on the other side, almost like a fair or a cheating situation. Like this is in the ballpark of that, you know, reading someone's journal. So can couples recover from that? Yes.

Do I think the ideal way to handle this is to just completely tell him? Yeah, but could it risk him saying, I can't trust you anymore. We're over for sure. Right. Yeah. And I don't know if she's going to be willing to like do that. Yeah. So you think she should just kind of like address like the sex life thing or the other?

Right. Just kind of say, we're about to move in together. before we make that move, I really want to have a very open and honest conversation about how we're feeling in the relationship. Right. What could be better? Do you have concerns?

Like, are there things that you'd like to improve on? Are there concerns that you have about me? And maybe you can share concerns you have about him as a long-term partner. So I think this could just be a wake-up call of like there's stuff we need to talk about more openly. Right. And if she's avoidant, that's hard. And she might hurt if she's admittedly avoidant,

It's very hard for people to communicate with people who are avoiding it because it doesn't feel satisfying at the end of the day. It doesn't feel like you're getting what you want out of those conversations. So I think that she really wants. If she wants to be a safe space for him, I think she has to be able to like lean in to some of the softer, harder emotions. Right. And maybe, I mean, someone who's avoidant is unlikely to say, let's discuss all our issues

before we move in. Yes. So maybe that's like her way of practicing being the person that is more compatible with him in this relationship. Yes. Here is your avoidant treatment boot camp. It's interesting like that her initial feeling is like anger, which I guess I could get because it's like the physical stuff.

But like I wonder if she's really feeling like sad. Like it doesn't, I don't know. Yeah, fuming instead of like really hurt. Right. Or even the nose change. thin stuff. It wasn't like, it's like, first of all, that that paragraph that she sent didn't make it so clear that like, it wasn't like, and she's got a huge nose or she's got a huge

chin. Right. I almost thought, I mean, I dismissed it because she would know what she read, but I almost thought maybe he was thinking like, what am I missing about my ex? Like. Right. Yeah, it wasn't clear. And maybe he was talking about her.

But she would, I'm sure she would have known that if that was the case. But she said something about the. X and then she wrote, what am I missing? And then listed off all these things that it wasn't. Right. So I don't know. She would know if that's what it was. But that was my thought that maybe he was referring to like missing his ex, which I don't know that that would be better or worse. Yeah. It seems like he was comparing the relationship. But I agree with you. I think she should try to like, if she wants this to work, she should try to create a space where there is more open communication. I think she would be less, she would feel less likely to even want to

at the journal if she felt truly connected also. I think that is a sign in itself that she feels like there's things that are unspoken in the relationship. So look, just like an affair, this is an opportunity, a really hurtful, painful opportunity to come out stronger on the other side. So hopefully you'll use it in that way. Definitely, we would love an update on this if you approach it. And I hope you do, because if you just brush this under the rug and keep going, it's not going to get any better. Agreed. All right, let's do a betraces. Do you want to read this one? I will read this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I'm writing in about something a friend said recently that I can't stop thinking about. One of my friends has a busy corporate job and her husband is even busier,

often traveling for work out of the country. So my friend has to do daycare, drop off, bedtime, etc for their toddler alone. She's also currently pregnant. She was recently venting to me about how difficult it all is and I was validating her, commenting on how hard it is to be a mom, especially when you're often working solo without a husband or nanny to help with laundry or dinner. She was grateful for the validation, but also responded that she and her husband agreed they didn't start a family to, quote, outsource their parenting.

So she's just powering through it. My friend doesn't know the extent of this, but I've been with debating my own plans to have a family one day. I love my sleep and my me time. And thinking of having a night nurse or nanny, the village, as they say, makes the idea of motherhood much more attractive to me. But now I can't stop thinking. Is it unethical to have children when you know you plan to outsource a part of parenting? Is the fact that I don't mind the thought of it, a sign that I don't have that motherly instinct? I'm truly looking forward to your thoughts and discussion on this. Thank you both for the weekly wisdom, signed I'll totally.

need the village batch. I thought this is a great question. Great question. I think it makes a topic with a lot of gray feel a little bit black and white. Yes. I've heard of parents who like send their kids to boarding school and like then they go to summer camp and they never see them. And I have had those thoughts of like, what's the point of even having your kid if you're

not going to take care of them and see them? But I'm also of the thought that like, of course you should like you shouldn't be, you shouldn't expect to do everything on your own and whether that's having family help you or being able to afford to pay for some sort of help. Like that seems like a given to me. But I can see where like where's the line where we're like, again, opting out or outsourcing the hard parts or even the parts that make me even get to know someone better or like your kids better. Right. Right. Right. It really is interesting. And yes, I agree. There's so much gray here. There's like a whole spectrum of outsourcing parenting from like you said on one end is like we send our kids

away to boarding school the second they're old enough to enroll and they go to camp right yeah exactly so like the extensive like i'm not really doing this but i'm a parent and i have a kid and i love them but i'm not really involved i'm i'm entrusting someone else to do a lot of the educating rearing communicating right taking stuff or i guess the other spectrum is like stay at home you do could help homeschool like, you know, with them every second of every day. Right. But it does bring up this interesting thought of like, why, why do we have children? Is it so that we can just create a new life and send them out into the world and let them enjoy this beautiful, miraculous planet in whatever way they choose with giving them the best possible tools?

Or is it so that we can feel like we have influence over them? so that we can feel like we are enjoying the time that we're spending, watching them grow and learn. Is it for us or is it for them? Or is it for us to feel connected to them and them to feel connected to us? I'm sure it's not just one reason. Well, that's a good point. I think it's almost like it feels like there's multiple reasons, right? And they're probably a little bit in conflict with each other.

I think one is like, okay, like being a parent, having that as part of my identity feels good. Clearly, it's additive. And even the parents who, you know, maybe send their kids away or don't see them very often still have that feeling that probably adds to their feeling of positive identity of like, I am a mother, I have children. This is like part of the story of my life that I'm telling people. And then I think there's the other part that's like, I'm so looking forward to like the joys of parenting. of like the ins and outs and the day to day and the like and that brings me closer to this child and it's almost more about my connection with right the child because I think either way I think even the board the boarding school kids or the stay-at-home moms I don't think any either of those styles is better or worse necessarily for a kid the kid is and let's say let's say they're all let's say they're net even obviously on a case-by-case scenario they're probably better or worse in a lot of instances, but let's say, like, on the whole, they're about even. Then that leaves you the question of like, if it's not about their welfare, like you're saying, like, I guess it's about what you want

out of the experience of parenthood. Yeah. And I think ultimately, this listener was upset because she felt like morally judged for the way that she wants to experience parenting. Right. And that's the problem is like what you and your friend are looking to get out of parenting is your own individual choice. I think what's tweaking her is this idea of like, I don't have enough of a motherly instinct. So therefore, maybe I shouldn't be a mother because there are mothers that like feel like pained when they're away from their child for like an hour. And there are mothers that are like really happy to get a break from their children and like come into themselves and have their own separate identity. And neither one is right or wrong. And I don't think we could judge it. I do think you're a

maternal instinct probably is on a spectrum as well. Right. There are mothers that like they've always known they wanted that. They're like, want to be with their kids every second. It's the thing that brings them joy like anything more than anything else. And then there are wonderful mothers that are on a different end of the spectrum where it's like I love the connection that I have with my kid.

I love that I brought this new human into the world and I'm giving them the best that I can to be a productive, happy, healthy member of society. but I also don't feel the need to be a part of that, like, in every single micro step of the way. Right. And that's also okay. Or maybe it's a, I mean, I guess this sounds, sounds worse to say, but I think there's an element of truth to it. It's like maybe motherhood is not as big of a part of their, I don't want to say personality, but maybe to an extent their personality or the way that they...

Your identity, identity, identity, yeah. Right. Maybe it is a part, but it's not as big of a personality. part. And again, I think that that seems society like bad, like bigger the bigger the part of your identity. I think society is sort of taught, especially women, not men, that the bigger

part of your identity being a mom is like the better person you are. Ding, ding, ding. That's exactly right. And I don't think it's a fair judgment to put on another person. I mean, I think throughout the course of human history, there were probably

so many mothers that really didn't even want to be mothers. They were just like, that's what I'm supposed to do and that's what I'm expected to do. And I'm going to do it. And there are mothers now where you know, you don't have to do it, but you might want to do it because there are some parts that are great and you feel like you can still have this really nice balance, which if you have the family or the financial means to be a mother and also not have it be your entire identity, good for you. Right. Whatever works for you. And same for the moms who are like, this is all I've ever wanted. And I never want to be away from my kids. So yeah, I think

If you want to outsource your parenting 90%, or if you want to, I don't think you should outsource your parenting 100% because I think kids need to feel an attachment and connection to their parents. Right. But I think if you want to outsource a large percentage of your parenting to trusted people that your children are going to attach to and that they're going to feel love and warmth from, and you're also going to give them love and warmth, I don't think we need to, I think there's been this shift in like the moral police around parenting that

It's like we need to be spending huge amounts of time with our kids in order to be a good parent. I think kids thrive the best when they're around other kids, when they're in environments where they're interacting with other children, their age. You're a little bit older, a little bit younger. And yes, do you want to spend no time with your kids? Of course not. You want to show them that you love them and you enjoy them. But I don't think parents need to be their children's like number one playmate.

It's hard to like, I think, and I think for this woman and her friend, like, it's almost hard to say what your own preference is without sounding judgmental. Right. So I'm sure it comes off judgmental where she's like, well, oh, thank, like, thanks for the validation. But like I actually like, I kind of want to suffer. It's kind of what her friend is saying. She's saying like, I kind of want to suffer. It's part of the, it's part of the joy. Yes. Yes. And instead she said, I don't want to outsource it. Sort of she's made it a little bit more moral, I think. And I can see why, like, and it's hard, I think, for other people's choices to not feel like judgments of our own choices. But I think she doesn't have to take it that way. And maybe that maybe you have to judge other people's choices in order to feel more confident in your own. Like I'm sure when she's knee deep in it all and stressed out, like they're the judge. And I think I've said this about like people who are newly sober. Right.

Like you kind of have to like tell everyone that alcohol is poison in order to like get through it to keep like in order to stand your ground. And I think for this mom, she's like, if I'm going to, if I'm going to commit to doing this, I kind of, I do need to like have a little bit of a moral judgment on people who don't do it this way so that I can, when I'm like in the thick of it. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah. Yes.

Yeah. And it's, I think you're right. She's probably looking at some other parents who do outsource their parenting and they're posting pictures of themselves like on an adult's only vacation when she's like, sitting at home on a Saturday night watching like whatever kids show. Yeah, watching Miss Rachel and they're like, you know, partying in the Bahamas. Like, right, you know. So she's probably thinking, oh, how nice that they're outsourcing their parenting, but maybe you're right. There's a little bit of that,

like, oh, that does look nice. Right. And you have to kind of justify that. So I think if you plan, if you want to be a mom and you want to outsource a portion of your parenting, that doesn't make you a bad mom. I think if you pick people and, you know, things for your kid to do that are healthy for them, especially if it's like being around other groups of children, I think that's really good for them. Yeah. So yeah, agreed. You do you. I could see why this would feel like a, like she was being judgmental. But I think that was just her justifying her leaning. Right. She's leaning. I probably personally lean a little bit more towards the like I feel a lot of guilt when I'm not with my kids.

And like, and so, you know, you have to kind of maybe push yourself back towards the middle a little bit. And that's what I think she's doing here. But I think you've got to do what's going to work for you. I agree. And like, again, worst case she is judging you. That's fine. Yeah.

I mean, there's nothing to judge yet. But like when you do that, well, some people judge what. And I think people will judge your parenting no matter what you do, whatever side you're on as far. Yeah, so totally. I, yes, might as well do what you want to do. You judge the person that's like never leaves their kid and you're like, oh, they're not independent. They don't know how to be in the world without you.

Like you're, you know, smothering them. And then the parent that's like, oh, why did you even become a mother? You're never with your kid. Right. So if you're going to get judged, you might as well do what makes you happy. Yes. Totally. Okay.

Let's do some intentions. I will read them. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm a 28-year-old woman asking for help on how to navigate the feelings of worry and paranoia that I experience when there's a variation in communication from my boyfriend. For some background, this is my first relationship, and he and I have been dating for almost six months. We were set up by a mutual coworker, and I feel really lucky to have met him. Throughout our time together so far, he's made me feel safe and confident and has brought out a silly, lighthearted side of me.

He's also shown me what healthy communication looks like in a relationship, empowering me to share my frustrations and concerns, and always leaning in. responding with curiosity and being willing to adjust his behavior. All that being said, I still have such a hard time not jumping to conclusions when I notice a change in his communication patterns. If I'm not hearing from him as often as I expect on a given day or he responds to something I said with less enthusiasm than usual, I automatically assume he's distancing himself and thinking of ending things. My fears feel incongruous with the person I know him to be, but I think I'm being triggered by previous dating experiences or changes in communication led to me being ghosted or broken up with. I'm all for open and transparent communication, but I don't

know that this kind of thing warrants a conversation. I feel that asking him to text me more or send me memes more frequently while he's overwhelmed at work or experiencing family-related stress is not fair to him and that I should be able to tolerate these moments of quiet. However, this hypervigilance just won't let up. What can I tell myself during these moments when I'm noticing? myself notice too much and begin to worry about our relationship status. Thank you a million times over for all that you do, a newly minted girlfriend. All right. This is really common. I hear this a lot. And a right, like the six month mark, it's kind of like, I'm starting to have real feelings for you. This feels really scary. Yeah. Is this going to be like a long-term thing

and over-analyzing every symptom of the relationship? It sounds like a classic like anxious attached person, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So first of all, I will say, I think you're being sensitive to him can be a strength in the relationship, like being sensitive to a shift in his mood or a shift in his communication. I think it, so it's not a bad thing necessarily. It doesn't mean that you have this bad quality that you're anxious and it's like a

negative for your relationship. I just think you have to know how to harness it. in a way where you can turn it into really great communication and use it for allow him to allow him to be seen in the relationship. But the examples that she's bringing up are very like short term immediate things. Right. Like it's not like he's been distant for a week or we haven't seen each other in two weeks or like there's this like longer pattern. It's like one day he's not texting as often or one text. is shorter than normal.

So I think the tweak she has to make is just to kind of, you know, do a lot of what we talk about, just kind of breathe, calm your body, be patient and let it, you know, give yourself some time to see if this is just a moment or if this is a pattern. Right. Because if it is a pattern, does it mean he wants to break up with you? No, but might it mean that he's going through something or he's feeling away about something? Yeah, it might be. I never like people to say, okay, your boyfriend, like you guys used to see each other,

you know, three times a week and now you haven't seen each other in two weeks. Like, oh, no, don't worry about it. Like, it's probably nothing. Like, there's some things that deserve to be kind of acknowledged and checked in about. Right. But the fact that he's not sending you memes as often as he used to be. Right. I don't know if that seems like a major red flag.

I mean, here's the thing. And I remember reading this in that book, which might be good for her to check out, the book attached. Yeah. And there seems to be like. almost like two schools of thought around this kind of thing where it's like in that book, they're basically like your needs or your needs. And so the best thing you can do if you're an anxious stater is just effectively communicate your needs and see how the other person responds to them. So to say like it makes me feel really good or I would need you to like text me

like before you go to sleep every night if that's the thing that you feel like is missing. But then I feel like there's the other side of that, which is like shouldn't we like learn how to self-regulate without being dependent on someone else. Like was my kind of my thought when hearing that? I remember in the book they had this example of like the wife who's like home and her husband's at work and he doesn't contact her all day while he's at work. And she feels really anxious all day when he's at work. And so like I think in the book they had her develop some system where he was like she could

like call and he could say like one word and she would be like soothed. But part of me, I remember reading that was like, shouldn't she just figure out like how to get through the day without hearing this from him? So I don't know. What's your, what's your like psychological opinion on these sorts of things? Yes. My opinion is I agree with you. I don't think that within reason. I don't think that you should like this listener knows it.

She said, I don't want to tell him, like, send me more memes. Like, first of all, it's not going to feel good when he does it. If he's, you know, it's like another task on his to-do list. And he's just like going to go quickly scroll, find a meme and send it to you just to check it off his list. So I do think she needs to learn to self-soothe. But my biggest advice is just patience, right? Like through those little moments, be patient and give it some, time. And if like you're feeling this way for a full week where you're not having any moments of

connection, then I think you can express like we haven't had a moment of connection or I haven't been feeling connected to you in a week. That's a long time versus like I haven't felt connected to you today. And even if you do want to say, okay, I want to have a moment of connection with my partner every day. You have to be able to make it through the day and be able to tolerate and handle that discomfort of like, I wish you would have text me. I wonder if he's thinking about, you know, if this is him distancing himself or, and just kind of breathe through that and have some patience. And then the next time, be able to get yourself, self-soothed to the point where you can get in person the next time and just have a check-in. Right. See if you can have a moment of connection.

Like ask him a question about how he's feeling or express something that you. You know, you're feeling, express some curiosity about how is work. Are you stressed? Like what's going on and see if you can connect. But I think it's like you can't always connect the exact second that you want to connect. Right. You have to be able to get through the hump of like, I want you now. I'm not getting you now. But I do, she is entitled to have a standard of how often she's connecting with them. And it can't be whatever her amount is. I can't tell her what it is. But if they don't feel connected every single day in the exact same way. I think she's got to be able to just get herself through that long enough to where she can find a moment to just check in with

them. Yeah, I agree with that. I think that's great advice to make it like a wide, like a longer period of time where she can assess that. Because I definitely felt the same way. I came into my relationship, you know, that I'm now married. And I remember feeling like super anxious in the beginning around that, that six month mark is kind of like a pivotal time or like that first year because it's sort of like, this is the period where like we're together, but like we're either going to become in a serious relationship or it's going to, we're going to decide it's not right. So there is a lot of feeling, I think, of uncertainty and like micro, if you're anxious data like this person is or I was of like being hypervigilant of all the signs to try to

prepare yourself, which you can feel like can be protective. And because you, because you don't really know them that well yet, even though you're in a relationship, even though it's been six months, you don't have the full sense of like how they fully operate yet. Right. And so, yeah. You're also, you're in an evaluation period, really like, yeah, it's hard to feel that way, but you are until you kind of like move in together or get engaged or really take a next. big kind of like permanent step, you are in an evaluation period of like, are we going to continue this or not? So that probably makes people feel insecure around this time as well. Right. And I think like the same behaviors then that I used to be like frantically anxious about.

I remember Mike had read receipts and I loved it in the beginning because I would know if he, if he didn't, if he hadn't read it yet, then I know I could like relax and be less anxious. but if I saw that he read it, he didn't answer, he didn't respond or something, I would like, it would, you know, it would have like that kind of effect on me. But I mean, all of those behaviors, the deeper in you get with someone and the more you get to know them and the more you get to know, you know, if they're busy at work, then they're going to be less responsive or that's, you know, it can be explained by it. Or the more trust you have in them, the more, the deeper the bond.

I think those, you become less anxious and you can see things like you said on a wider lens angle. Right. Almost like I have the visual of like a, you know, like a graph, like a stock market graph. And if you look at it like a day, like a one day graph, it's going to look like, right. You know, you're not going to be able to see the big picture versus if you're looking at like, you know, a two year graph of responsiveness and text messages, you realize like, okay, here's the pattern. Like I can see this whole big pattern. Right. Versus seeing like a shorter term pattern. and everything feels like a little bit more urgent and big and like a big shift versus, okay, I know this is how he handles this.

And it is nice to be able to communicate that in not a way that's like, do you love me? Do you still love me? Like are we, you know, but just kind of checking in with him. Like, how was your day? Like, was it stressful? Like, how are you feeling? So it feels like you're, you actually care about him and his experience and what was going on for him that made him a little. bit more distant that day instead of you only care about him in terms of how it pertains to

how he feels about you, which never feels great. No, that's totally true. And I think you could do some tips of like asking for your needs or met, again, especially if you don't feel connected. I think I did this in the beginning of my relationship with Mike where like when we would travel or something and like maybe there wasn't like as as like I needed like more texting when I was traveling or something or when I was away or I would feel bad. And I remember saying before I left, I think I was going on like a U-Up tour when we were dating.

And I said like, you know what would like just make me feel so like happy and warm and like so great like while I'm away? Like if you would just like randomly text me, I miss you like when you're thinking about me. And he did it. I mean, and it worked. And it was like then I could relax for the rest of the of the whole trip. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. So I do, I do think she can ask, but I think if, you know, establishing that she can get over a little hump of just like, I want you and you're not available right now is a good skill to have. And at the same time, I think it is nice to be able to say, hey, I really missed you today. And I thought about texting you. I miss you. And like, it would have felt really nice to get one of those from you. So if you are thinking of me and you miss me, I would love to hear it.

I think that that's great and fine. Yeah. And I think there, if you want to take it to a really vulnerable place, and I don't, and a lot of people don't really want to do this because they were, especially in those first evaluation period months, I think they want to put their most confident feeling like best self forward. But I think if you did really want to get to like another layer of depth with them, you could say, like, I've had a lot of dating experiences where sometimes like people didn't, like,

stopped communicating as much and then things fizzled out or I got ghosted this one time. And so it does make me a little bit anxious when I don't hear from you, not necessarily having anything to do with you or you being busy. But I just feel like just based on my past experience, sometimes I tend to feel anxious when I don't hear from you all day. Yeah. And I think doing that without even, without an ask is great too. Right. And just see what he does with it. Like not like, so, would you then please? Right. Just like sharing. It does sound from the way she describes him. Like he leans in and he'd be nice and he'd be understanding. So yeah, I think that might not be a bad thing to share and just see what he chooses to do with that. But I do think you're right with more time and experience of like,

okay, it was a busy day or typically at this time, like you have a lot of that with Mike this time of year at work. He's like got a certain thing going on, whatever it is. So yeah, this is normal. I think ride out those moments, but communicate like with patience. So anyway, the intention that I wrote for her around this is like when she's in the moment of feeling, oh my gosh, he's not texting me as much, blah, blah, blah. Is it going to break up with me. Yeah. Right.

Calm body. Be patient. Check in. But like in time. It doesn't need to be that minute. Right. So the be patient is important. Like calm your body.

Be patient. And then like at the end of the week if you're still feeling that way. in another three days if you're still feeling that way, then you can, you know, get together and check in and kind of be like, hey, this week, I wonder what's been going on for you. I've been feeling a little bit like I miss you or like we haven't been connecting as often as we usually do. Yeah.

Nothing wrong with that. Yeah. Okay. Let's do some triggers. Do you want to read our first one? Hey, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I love the show and look forward to the new episodes every week.

I have a triggered scenario that happened last year. It's become a funny story I like to tell when I explain to friends how ridiculous the people in the town I now live can be. I moved to a very, very small town about three years ago. I started dating my boyfriend, Mike, a little over two years ago. Mike is from here, and his name was smeared around town after a nasty breakup. I like to form my own opinions about people and stay out of the small town drama, so I gave him a chance and it ended up working out for us. Last year, I was going through it, so I started going to therapy.

I wanted tools to manage being in a relationship, compromising, et cetera, after I had been single for a few years. I was 33, and this was my first time going to therapy. During my therapy sessions, I made a point never to say Mike's name just in case my therapist knew him. I wanted her to give me honest, non-judgmental feedback. About five sessions in, I accidentally said Mike instead of just him or my boyfriend. I just kept talking and remember thinking, I need to not bring my trauma of being scared of people judging my relationship here. This is a professional.

Well, at the end of the session, when we were scheduling my next appointment, my therapist asked me, so Mike, who? What's his last name? I was kind of shocked and caught off guard. So I told her to which she responded, oh, I know him. He's a party boy. Then continue to tell me how she. knows him and some of what she's heard about him. Oh my God. Yeah. I'm triggered. I brushed it off

until I told a friend about it who pointed out how messed up it was for my therapist to ask his last name and then proceed to gossip. So how triggering is it for your therapist to bring her personal judgments towards your boyfriend into your therapy sessions after you've been deep diving into the relationship with her for two months? Thanks for all you do in love with a party boy. P.S. I did stop seeing that therapist a couple of sessions later and haven't been back to therapy since L.O.L. This is crazy. That seems very unethical. Asking his last name, first of all, like, and then telling her new information that she knows about him through the grapevine, like to. Yeah. I feel bad for her that this is her

only experience with therapy, so she probably thinks that therapists are just like this. That's totally insane. Oh, gosh. That's terrible because it's so clear that the therapist just couldn't control her urge to gossip to the detriment of this patient. That's really. Right. Put her own shit in there.

Yeah. She already was feeling like she'd heard so much crap about him. And then she had to like sprinkle a couple of more stories of like negative things that she's heard about her boyfriend. That sucks. If you're in this small town situation, if the therapist knew, let's say she even didn't ask for the last name and just found out his last name, she told her, she offered that up or she realized she knew him. What is the proper, like, let's say she thinks her feeling about this guy can't be, you know, not taken away from the, right. So if the therapist then feels like she can't continue to be an impartial, like, listener to her without bringing her own.

feelings into it. Then I think what she does is she like tells her that, that there's a conflict of interest and ends it and refers her to somebody else. If she can't like you, you know, it's almost like if you were seeing someone and you found out that like their boyfriend was your brother or whatever, you know, like yeah, you'd have to be like, oh, I realize this thing like we can't, I can't be your therapist anymore. If it's affecting you to the point, which it seems like it is that she can't even control herself not to tell her a story about him yeah a story about him even if it did happen like even if she was in the room when this thing happened with this person which i doubt she was

even then it wouldn't be her place to like tell this story but the fact that it was just clearly a story that she heard from someone else that she's now gossiping about it's crazy when this girl's issue is that she feels like everyone's gossiping about her boyfriend oh gosh try again i don't want you to be turned off to therapy. Yeah. And I think you could see anyone who's licensed in your state over Zoom. Like you don't have to go into an in-person teletherapy, whatever it is. You don't have to just like be limited to the therapist in the small town that might know your boyfriend. Like you can see anyone who's licensed in the state that you live, correct? Totally. Yeah. Or someone like me who has a side pack license, which you can, I can see people in like 30 some odd states. So you could see someone

across the country if you're worried about this or like definitely outside of your town i get it there is something nice about going in person and like sitting and being in a space with someone but given what you're going through in your small town this is a perfect this was this situation is why side pack was in bed right so that you can like have some distance when you're in a very small town and you want to be more anonymous yeah i'll give this like seven and a half that is Crazy. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. I'm sorry. I hope you don't give up on therapy. I think you could find someone that's going to be just more, just have some self-restraint. You know, like, I mean, as a therapist, I definitely had a thought of someone like, oh, I wonder if they're this, you know, this is who they're referring to or what's his last name.

It's familiar. But like, okay, that's a thought. Move on and focus on what this person is talking about. Right. It's very unprofessional. It's sort of like the crux. of like the bare minimum of the profession, I think. Oh, gosh, yeah. I know. Very true. Yeah, you need to do virtual therapy here. Yeah.

All right. Well, let's do one more. I'll read it. Do you agree, seven and a half? Yeah, seven and a half. Sounds good to you. Yeah. Yeah.

No, maybe even eight. It's just hard. It's like her first therapy experience and she's gossiping about her boyfriend. Like, it's even. would be bad to gossip about someone else. Right. Even if it was someone like she didn't like some woman in town that she was complaining about.

Right. Oh, your best friend? Like I heard, or like, yeah, some woman in town that you don't know. Like, oh, I heard this about her. I heard that about her. Like, even that's bad. It just seems like psychologically unhealthy to be gossiping and you're a psychologist. Yeah.

About this person that obviously means so much to her. She's like there for him. Yeah, crazy. She's not invited to the wedding. Everyone else in town is. All right. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. Longtime listener, a huge fan of you both. I have a triggered segment that I'm interested in getting your take on. I moved to a new city about a year ago for a job, leaving behind all my closest friends in Austin, Texas. I visit Austin about once every three months and otherwise try to find any excuse I can to see my close friends since we are now in a long-distance friendship. Straight to the reason I'm triggered. This weekend, I'm visiting. visiting Austin, specifically for an event on Saturday during the day, but of course I'm also using it as an opportunity to see my friends. I set up dinner for Saturday night and confirmed with one of my best friends that she could come. I already had included her in the reservation because I'd given

her the heads up about my visit a few weeks prior, and she never mentioned being busy at the time. She sent me a long text message in response stating that she isn't sure she can make it to the dinner because she had made a commitment to pick her sister up from the airport on Saturday night. For context, her sister also lives in Austin, so it was unclear to me why her sister couldn't just take an Uber or get another ride so that my friend could come to dinner. I then didn't hear back from her all week until one day before when she confirmed she could not come because her sister insisted that she was owed the favor. This had been kind of bugging me all week, and I keep finding myself thinking that if I were in her shoes, I would have made it work. I can't really imagine her sister saying that she can't go see her long-distance close friend because she committed to an airport pickup. I think the annoyance is less about not seeing her and more about feeling like I am willing to

prioritize my friends a lot more than they are willing to prioritize me. It makes me think that I should put less effort into the relationship so that I'm less annoyed in the future. But then I wonder if that's just being petty and won't make me feel any better in the long run. So my question is, how triggered can I be? I get this. I could see why she's triggered that she had to do an airport run when she's coming in from out of town. I guess it also matters. How often does she come visit? She said every three months. Oh, every three months she did like that. Which is like, which is in because it's like, it's fairly frequently for like a weekend every three months. That's like, right. If I came to visit you every three months, I think you'd be like,

she'd here like all the time. Yeah, but I would still, I wouldn't not go to dinner because I had to pick up someone who lives in town. Well, here's the thing that makes sense that I'm thinking. I don't think, I think that was an excuse. I think she didn't really want to go to dinner. But I think it is possible that she just, maybe she didn't want to, maybe it wasn't personal. Maybe she just really doesn't feel like going out.

Maybe she's depressed. Maybe she something else. Maybe she doesn't feel like seeing the other friends in the group. Right. Maybe there's like something about the dinner that isn't about. her not feeling like you guys are friends where she was kind of like, I, I just really don't want to go to this dinner. Right.

Yeah. I definitely think she's very valid in feeling like she could have made this happen and she chose not to. Is it about you or is it about something else like you just described that we don't know? And I'm sure this listener is also probably very sensitive because she's the one that moved away. She probably has a lot of fomo. Everyone else is like hanging out.

she used to be in the mix and now she's not so I'm sure she's extra sensitive to being able to maintain these friendships but almost similarly to the intentions email is like okay is this a one time thing and you just can kind of be like okay here's like one blip on the stock market right radar and the next time you go or in between she's reaching out you guys are texting you're talking the next time you come in she seems enthusiastic to see you, then like, okay, this was just a one-off thing. Maybe like you said, she was in a mood or whatever the thing is. But if you can be patient and notice, is this really a longer-term pattern of her

distancing herself, then maybe that's one thing. But even in the way she writes it, it seems like she's globalizing it to all of her friends. Like by the end. Right. She's like, am I making an effort for people who don't even care to see me when I come back? Right.

Like people and like, you know, more. of a bigger picture thing with her and her friends than about this one particular friend. And I get it. The excuse is like a little bit weird because it's a little hard to argue with. Like, do you know what I mean? Like it seems valid enough, but also it just seems. Picking up a relative from the airport. We've talked about this.

For some people, it's like a sacred thing. It's like if you don't pick someone up from the airport, it's like, and that time you didn't pick me up from the airport. Like for some families, it's like a very sacred. And she said her sister insisted that she was owed the favor. Well, I would make it less about the dinner and more like, did this friend make an effort to see you at all while you were in town? The rest of the weekend.

Yes. Could she have driven by after she picked her up from the airport, just said hi, and then went home. And I think if she wants to text her, I would make it more about that, be like, I, you know, I moved away. I miss you guys so much. I do feel like I always try to like make such a big effort to see you when we come back. And it just, it hurt my feelings a little bit when you didn't try to see me when I was in town.

Right. Not even about the dinner on that particular night, but at all the entire weekend. And you might be on to something. Maybe it's more about like who else was at the dinner. Yeah. Like are you assuming that they're friends? Maybe you don't know the status of their friendship. Like I've done that before where I have, you know, I obviously moved away and I have

friends that all live in one city. And then I'm kind of like, I'm here. Let's all get together. And some of them are like, oh, we don't, I don't really talk to her that much anymore. Like, right. I'd like to see you, but I don't really want to like have this dinner that you created with all the people that I don't really want to see. Right. Yeah. That might not be my choice of the people that I want, like, I want to see you, but I don't necessarily need to be in this group that you've decided is your like group of people. I agree. It could be, It could totally be that. It could be financial.

She could maybe like, she has to be, maybe the whole family is going through it. The sister can't afford an Uber. She can't afford a dinner. Right, right, right, right. You know, we may think we've given that advice to people who are like, you know, they go to these group dinners where there's a lot of spending. They can't afford it. Again, like I don't, we're just totally throwing stuff out here.

But I'm thinking like one incidents, again, seems like she's saying, should I stop putting effort into this relationship. I think if this was a pattern and she, you know, she didn't see you. multiple times when you were in town. It could just be she's having something completely personal unrelated to you where she doesn't want to go to this group dinner. Yep. So yeah, I would see if it happens again and not even like you decide what the activity is and

then she either comes or not, it could be like, hey, I'm coming to town. Like what, when's good for you? Yeah. Like there might be a little bit of a thing there. Yeah. Might be a little bit of a thing where she's kind of like, you decided that this is when you want to do this. this is when you want to see me.

Like I could see some people feeling like, well, you didn't ask me when was good for me. You're just picking when the time was that was good for you. Right. Yeah. Maybe she's had a super long week. Right. And Friday night isn't her night that she wants to do it. So yeah. If you're interested in this friendship, I would maybe make it a little more one on one.

Like, I want to see you. What would be a good time I'm going to be in on this weekend? That's a little bit more open ended to where she can't be. if she's like, I'm not available all weekend for some nonsense reasons, then write back in and we'll. Yes. Give us an update. We'll change our, we'll change the score.

I mean, I do think this is triggering because it does just feel like the excuse was lame. And she just didn't want to go to the dinner. Yeah. And if you're going to give an excuse, at least give one. Say you're sick, something. All right. All right. I'll give it, I'll give it a five.

I think that's fair. Five seems good. That seems fair. All right. Well, we did it. Proud of us. We did it. All right. That's our time. Great work today. Betches.