Oversharing - Did Our Couples Therapist Just Tell Us Not To Get Married?

Episode Date: August 11, 2026

Dr. Naomi returns from vacation with a story that proves parenting never really takes a day off. After an unexpected family emergency leaves their kids suddenly without adult supervision, Jordana and Dr. Naomi unpack what it means to rely on your village. Then they help an Oversharer navigate whether she should skip a friend's wedding, or keep living her life, when it falls in the middle of IVF treatment. They also weigh in on a Betchisist’s marriage strained by secrecy around marijuana use and ask whether the real issue is the habit or what's underneath it. The intention this week goes to a listener who wants to stop cringing at old photos of herself and embrace every version of the body that carried her through life. Plus, in Triggered, they debate whether one rogue couples therapist deserves to lose their license and whether comparing someone's baby to an alien from Men in Black is ever, under any circumstances, acceptable. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I don't know about therapists in general, or maybe it's the the association with therapists or like, I now, because I've been granted by this state of New York, a psychology license that I can tell you in 10 minutes whether or not your relationship is going to work out. A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional.

Hello and welcome back to oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. Great to see you back here with your curls. I'm sure they served you. You were just away, right? Yes, away in a humid climate. So I did not fight the curls. I embraced them. I actually went the day before looking for a travel size curl cream that would serve me well. I found a good one. I would give you guys the name, but I don't don't remember what it is right now, but it was, it was great. I spent an hour trying to scour stores for a good travel size curl cream. But I know we get a lot of emails and in my group sessions, I get and in my patients, a lot of people talking about the struggles of aging parents, which is very real, especially when you're dealing with being a parent and having aging parents

at the same time, which is really, really tough because you're kind of parenting on both ends. But Jeff and I went to a wedding in the Dominican Republic, which we were really excited about, some time away, alone. Just the two of you? Just the two of us. And everyone else in the wedding party. And it was very small. It was like 20-person wedding, which was really lovely and tiny.

and we were leaving the kids with Jeff's mom, who's 80. So she, you know, we don't need a lot of babysitting anymore. The, you know, the older two are basically 13 and 14. And our littleist is eight. So we don't need a ton of babysitting, but our littlest is still eight. Can Lila watch the eight-year-old or not really? Yeah, well, she is in anyone who's from Texas, this might be a, shout out to those of you guys or any state where marching band is a big thing. She is starting

high school marching band. And they are in this big summer. It's not hell week. It's like hell three weeks. Is it like hazing? I mean, it's hazing, but it's organized by the school, hazing. So she basically has to be at school six days a week at seven o'clock in the morning. It's like 100 degrees out. She's there all day till four. 30 doing all so it's like physically intense it's mentally intense she's remembering these steps she's memorizing the music they're having them do wall sits and pushups and running and then also marching bag kids are uh it is like a it's a little bit of a cult i feel like the the marching band scene from what i remember in high school it probably wasn't even as intense as the texas one it's intense

So I didn't expect anything from her other than just getting herself up and out the door. So I didn't expect her to really be doing much babysitting. Maddie, who's our middle is probably was going to be more helpful because she had nothing to do. But, you know, it's a tough dynamic. She tries to tell him what to do. He's kind of like you're not the boss of me. When you go from being a sister to then being in charge, it doesn't go well. I could see that, unless the age gap is like, are like 10 years.

Big, 10 years. Right. 10 years, I would say, I feel like I would be like, yeah, you are the boss. Or even like seven years, I think like for our brothers, I'd be like, yeah, you're the boss. Right. If you have that dynamic established, then it works. Well, if she comes in, all of a sudden and she's like, all right, they're gone. I'm the new chief in town.

If it feels like there's even a little bit of like pride and, like, There's a reason for doing it that's not just strictly his safety. I'm sure he's picking up on that really quickly. Yes. So, you know, she's older and she doesn't really do overnight babysitting because we don't need it. She doesn't really do much babysitting at all, but we just needed kind of like a warm body in the house. You know, so she was. In case of emergencies.

I was anxious about the whole thing. We left long story short. Um, my mother-in-law had a doctor's appointment the day after we got there, which was the day of the wedding, like a checkup. And we leave the kids alone. So she went, she left. She went to her doctor's appointment. And at the doctor's appointment, the doctor saw something he didn't like on her heart rhythm or whatever it was and sent her to the emergency room. Oh, wow. Is she okay? Long story short, spoiler alert, she's fine. But she was. She was. She was fine. But she was. was admitted to the hospital and ended up having to stay overnight. So we're there. We're getting the

phone call. Like, she's gone. So there's nobody there with the kids. And they're basically like in the house by themselves. So, um, so yeah, we're there. We're trying to figure it out. And the girls are really okay. I mean, I've never left them alone overnight. Like, that's not something I wanted to do. But they can, you know, put themselves to bed. They can make themselves food. Like, they're kind of fine. Were they okay being alone? Yeah. So what ended up happening was I started calling around for Brooks because he needs supervision. He needs like his meals made. He has different things. He has to. And it actually, it ended up feeling really nice that we had a great community of parents. Like I just called his friends parents and was basically like, here's the situation. I made arrangements for someone

to take him one night. I made arrangements for someone else to take him the second night. Everybody was super nice, super supportive. The parents were all communicating. So he went, he had like a double sleepover with, you know, his friends and they kind of handled that. Maddie went to one of her friends' houses. But Lila's in this like, you know, stressed out band camp mode. I don't blame her seven. How is she getting there? It's crazy.

She had some friends that drive, drive to pick her up. So she was basically, I don't want to sleep at anyone's house. Like I have my stuff. I need my shower. I have my routine. So she ended up staying alone overnight,

which was her first night. And she was kind of like, I kind of liked it. Like I had the house to myself. She was a rager? She did not. At least not that I know about. She did ask if she could,

if there were cameras in the backyard. because she would like to go swimming in the natural state. Yes. She did ask about that, which I thought was weird. No, not that I know of, but she, you know, she spent the night alone in the house. I guess it was a good learning experience. My kids are very independent. Three 14. I feel like I used to watch other people's kids in other people's houses at 14.

Yeah, I guess. Alone overnight. My baby. But 15 seems like older, a lot older, but 14's a, you know, it's a, it's a decent age. Yeah, she did it. So she stayed. Maddie went to, but it was just the chaos of like in the middle of this trying to arrange for who's going to go where and who's going to how everyone's going to get where they're going. Well, when she got out of the hospital the next day, did she go back to your house?

No. She went back home. And I don't blame her. You know, like she's older. I think we probably, she was past her babysitting expiration date. And, you know, she just didn't have the patience for it anymore. You know, we were getting calls even before that, that like it wasn't going well. And it's hard when you reach that.

Sometimes the only way to know that something isn't good anymore is when you get past that expiration date and you realize like this isn't going well. not maybe enjoying that as much as you used to. Yeah. And I think you can't tell until you kind of, like she, you know, sometimes we'll drop him off there. If we're going to do something that's boring, we'll drop him off there for a couple of hours and that's fine. But overnight when he's overtired or he's not in the great mood or.

Well, overnight is like they have things that they need to get done. Like he needs to like eat. He has to probably do things that he doesn't like want to do. I'm sure when you, right. I'm sure when you drop him off at our house. he's just like playing video games or swimming or something. Yes. Right.

There comes a point when it's like, okay, it's time for bed. He doesn't want to. It's time for a shower. He doesn't feel like it. She has to kind of coerce him into doing it. Or he's, you know, if it's past his bedtime and he's, you know it even with a baby. Once they're overtired, it's like the demons take over. So.

Well, it sounds like you pivoted and it worked out. And it may, it actually made me feel really nice about the community that we have. Like everyone was really nice. It takes a village, right? It definitely takes a village. And it was great. And Maddie was great. But the day we left, so I had made arrangements for her to stay at a friend's house. And that, and she was supposed to hang out there for the rest of the time. And then she called us that morning. We were like going through security. And, you know, I'm like anxious that they're alone. So I'm trying to pick up the phone every second that I can. So I'm like going through the security line and like picking up the phone

And as I'm, you know, grabbing my stuff, putting my shoes on. And she's like, I'm getting the vibe that she wants me out of here. You know, and I'm like, oh, gosh. She's like, well, she said that she has, you know, like a tennis match. It's 7 o'clock tonight. And she has to start getting ready. And it was like 10 o'clock in the morning. I'm like, oh.

Okay. Well, at least she's astute. Yeah. She's definitely, I was like, all right. So just come home, hang out at home, hang out with the dogs. Yeah. I mean, you were going home that day. I think that's fine.

was fine. You know, she's almost 13. She, you know, she, she just hung out, did her thing. And, you know, but there's lots of stuff now that would have been way different. I was like finding, like going on Walmart.com. I'm trying to send her a bedazzling kit. So she has something to do during the day. So that came. You can get to you like within hours, right? Yeah, within hours. So she's like bedazzling the light switches in the house. Wow. Go for it. That's all you need. once they're tweens. Yeah, just send them a bedazzling kit and I entertained all day. I came back.

I'm like, all right, I guess we're redecorating here. And so were you able to relax on the trip or like not really? Yeah, we had moments. And this is the tough call. The day that we got the call that his mom was going to be admitted, he was going to have to stay overnight. We were supposed to go on this catamaran ride, which is like the best, you know, boat rides are the best.

Both day is the best days. I'm like, this is the pinnacle. the trip. We were trying very hard to get back. We kept trying to look at different flights and make, you know, we were trying to get out of there. We couldn't leave. The next possible flight out wasn't until the next day. I mean, we could have gotten to Miami and then sat in the Miami airport for 10 hours and waited for the flight that was going to leave the next week. It was like ridiculous. It was like the plot of home alone. So we did end up going on the catamaran ride. Oh, you did. Yes. And we ended up having, I kind of, I kind of, convinced him. I'm like, what are you going to do sitting here? You're not helping her. It's only going to make you more stressed because you're not distracted. You're not exactly. So we went, we got distracted. She ended up being fine. They did whatever procedure they needed to do to fix her up. She's home. All's well. That ends well. The kids got a little lesson in independence. Okay. You had a little

adventure that's kind of annoying, but sounds like you got it taken care of. And I'm glad you have people to step up. Yeah, it was really nice, you know, especially because we live so far from your family, right? Family, but it is nice that in our little town, we had lots of great people who stepped up and offered to help and were really super sweet about it. So, yeah, it's a good, it's a good reason to make friends in your community. Totally. Go to the mahjong night. Don't break a glass. Okay. You never know when you might need someone to watch. Yes. I'm glad it all worked out. and that is tough to deal with me and to talk back to the central topic of parents and kids. It's like a lot to juggle at once. All right. Let's get into our show. If you want to subscribe to

this show, you can all the episodes ad free and a day early as well as two bonus episodes a month. Sometimes we have a listener on and we hash out a problem in real time or we'll take listener feedback. We do it all oversharing at batches.com. If you want to leave us a voicemail, you can leave us a voicemail at 64636363-6294. Or you can join one of Dr. Naomi's therapy groups or get individual therapy from her. Are you available for individual therapy? I'm not exactly sure, but you can always get on the wait list. I do think I might have one spot open for individual therapy. But group therapies rolling admission, Naomi Bernstein.com. We talk about all this type of stuff, balancing life, aging parents with kids, managing life, managing work life balance.

all those types of things. So yeah, if you're looking for a community, come find us. Naomi Bernstein.com. Let's get into our overshare. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I have a dilemma that has been weighing on me for months. One of my good, not best friends, is getting married this October. I RSVPed yes months ago because at the time I thought I'd either already be pregnant or at least done with fertility treatment. Instead, life had other plans. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for over a year. I got pregnant last August, but the day before I flew to another friend's wedding, I found out it was a blighted ovum, which is an unavailable pregnancy. A couple of months

later, I got pregnant again, only to miscarry because of trisomy 16. After that, we moved to IBF. I've already been through two egg retrievals and I'm planning one more retrieval this August to hopefully bank embryos for the future. Assuming everything goes well, I want to move directly into a transfer rather than delaying again. The problem is that puts this wedding right in the middle of everything. I'll either be in the transfer cycle or very early pregnant and emotionally I feel like I want to stay home. IVF has been exhausting physically, emotionally and financially and I don't know if I have it in me to travel, socialize, and celebrate while my brain is consumed with whether this transfer is going to work.

I know I are already RSVP'd yes and I feel guilty because I hate backing out of commitments. Part of me wonders if I should just delay the transfer, but another part of me feels angry that fertility treatment has already forced me to postpone so much of my life. Waiting another month doesn't sound like much on paper, but after everything we've been through, it feels enormous. My friend knows about my first miscarriage and that I'm doing IVF, but she doesn't know many details or my timeline. Would I be a bad friend if I told her I can't come? If I decide I can't attend after already RSVPing, yes, how do I tell her? How much do I explain? Is it enough to say that my fertility treatment is taking longer than expected, or do I owe her more of a detailed explanation? And if you were the bride,

would you be hurt? I'd love to hear both of your perspectives. Thanks for everything you do, a guilty IBF betch. When you were going through this, how did you feel about social situations, going out, this type of thing? You know, it's interesting in the beginning, and it doesn't sound like this is the beginning for her. I'm really sorry for everything you've already been through. But I think in the beginning, I was very much like exactly like her. Like, I need this to happen as soon as possible. And I can't waste a month or a week. If it's something that's delayed a week, I would get annoyed. If it got delayed a few days, I would get annoyed. There is this feeling that often comes, I think, after you miscarriage, especially if you have multiple miscarriages of like, I need to like pummel through this and like get

this done and time is wasting. And I don't like, I'm every month gone. It's a month wasted. And I thought I would already be here. And I think there's a lot of that in the beginning. And I did that a lot too, where I would reschedule things around the fertility treatments and the transfers and things like that. But I think eventually I got to a point where I felt like I didn't want like to put my whole life on pause until this thing got done. Because that's kind of what it felt like. It felt like I was like by rescheduling everything around this stuff, I was sort of like saying that the rest of my life wasn't important or it felt like or putting it on hold, which I think made the pressure feel that much more intense. So by the time I got to my fourth transfer, which didn't even work, I was doing like, do you remember we did the Tameran Hall show? Yes. The day of my, my double embryo transfer that ultimately wound up failing. I think I had like a similar dilemma in my head of like, I'm doing this transfer this morning. Do I want to go straight to do a television segment? Or should I home and rest and make sure all the conditions are perfect and not deal with travel and doing

whatever. And I think at that point, I was like to bring it back to, you know, the catamaran. I was kind of like, the show must go on. Like I cannot like miss, like sacrifice more to this like fertility journey that I already have mentally, physically, emotionally. So if I were her, I would actually recommend going not because like she needs to. I think of her, if I were her friend, would understand. I don't think it's like a rude thing to not go. I don't think it's about that. I think it's more like, I do think that when you're missing events and not going to things, especially when things don't work, I think it makes it feel a lot harder and it makes it feel like there's a lot more pressure on it because you now are adding more sacrifices that you

don't necessarily have to make. Yeah, I actually love that advice. I think it's great to just kind of live your life as you're going through it. I wasn't going to recommend like reschedule it so that you can go to the wedding, but I don't see why you can't do it and go to the wedding. One of her reasons is because she'll be stressed out about whether or not it's going to work. And maybe she is at a different place. Right. Which is possible. Yeah. You know, then certainly than you are now, looking back on it, obviously hindsight 2020. But I do think if you can take your calling, you're writing, you're writing in here for advice to Jordana, specifically probably who's been through this to be able to say, hey, if I could go back and do this again, I would try to live my life as I'm

going through this versus, you know, stopping the world so I could, you know, lay in bed and worry or I could go to the wedding and maybe try to be distracted a little bit. And also just feel like there's other, like I think it's a good reminder that there's other parts to your life that are fulfilling and great, your friendships, travel, whatever this is, that like you're, this isn't the only, because sometimes it can feel like this is, you know, a huge part of your identity or such a big part of your life. And I think, I really do think that scheduling stuff, like not doing things because of it. And it's hard because I have, I've also, on the flip side, I've gone on vacations that I've planned after, after transfers and then done the testing there and just

been distracted the whole time, not really enjoying the trip because of taking pregnancy tests every 10 minutes. So I can also understand that if she doesn't think that she can go and actually take that distraction and actually like feel like she's enjoying the moment, then yeah, don't spend the money, don't go. If you really don't think that you can do that, maybe you're not there yet. And I think that any bride would probably understand that. It's like you're going through some stuff. You've already been through a lot of stuff that's pretty heavy. So I think I would make it, I wouldn't worry about the bride's position on that because I do think it would be good for you if you could be fully in that moment

and really enjoy that kind of experience. But if you can't, then yeah, don't go. If you're not in a place where you can do that, then don't do it. Yeah, I love that advice. I think it's great. I think you can explain that. This is a friend, not your best friend, a good friend, a good friend who will understand if you're, and I think a lot of people might kind of be like, yeah, I kind of don't want you ruining the vibe. Like if you don't really want to be there, most people want people coming to the wedding that are going to want to party and have fun and be in good spirits.

Yeah. Good spirits. So I think she'll understand if you let her know just exactly what you let us know. you know, just say it just like that. But I really love your advice. I think if you can challenge yourself to see this as like, okay, I don't know how long this is going to take and I am determined to kind of live my life while this is happening, I think that might be a good next step if you can do it as you move through this journey

and however long it may end up taking. Totally. I mean, now that I'm again on the other side of it, which is an easier place to be talking from. I do think I can look back and be like, I am glad that I went on all those trips and did all those things and did the Tamron Hall show and did, you know, like was doing stuff in my career and going on and traveling and seeing friends and doing things because it took me three years. So I'm like, three years is a long time of my life to have said nothing else besides this thing is the only thing I'm going to focus or prioritize or care about. Right. It is so funny.

does really relate to like the catamaran. Like you could sit in the hotel and be like, I'm just too stressed to go on a catamaran or you can go on the catamaran and be like, this is, this thing is happening or not happening whether I'm sitting on this boat with an ocean breeze or not. Yeah. And I think there's a sense of there's,

you have a lot more control than you do in both of those situations where like you really don't. I mean, take your meds, do whatever you need to do. But if you can make it work, I would go. And I would try to get into the headspace of like continuing to find joy in other places in your life.

Let's do a betchesist. Dear Dr. Naomi and Jordana, I have a dilemma for you that has been a repetitive cycle in my otherwise very healthy marriage. Backstory. My husband struggles with PTSD, OCD, and anxiety resulting from a pretty brutal childhood filled with emotional, verbal, and physical abuse from his father. He made the decision about two years ago to cut his father off completely after years of trying to have a normal relationship.

When we first started dating, I highly recommended finding a therapist, which he did. He's been in therapy ever since and has progressed enormously, although still struggles daily. Ever since I met him, marijuana was a huge part of his life. He uses it as a way to cope with his PTSD and OCD while also enjoying it recreationally. He's a business owner, owns a private gym, and I'm not. not the biggest fan of marijuana and really only use it recreationally once in a while. So I'm a big force in cutting back on this habit. As far back as I can remember in our relationship, he has lied about

his usage to me, not just once or twice dozens of times. He has only lied about this topic, but this has created a breach in my trust. Fast forward to the present day. For months he has told me he has not smoked once, only used low dosage gummies a few times a week to cope with distress. I found out that he had been lying, and he's been smoking several times a week. Of course, I was devastated. I suspected this was the case, and he continued to lie to my face about it. He's definitely addicted to smoking marijuana, but taking a low dosage edible a couple of times a week really does seem to help manage his OCD and anxieties.

He's clearly self-medicating, but he's highly against going on medication. His therapist doesn't push medication on him either, since he's expressed his hesitancy. patients. He's actively working on this addiction with this therapist. I've attended a couple of his sessions with her, which have been super helpful. We focus on why he lies about it and the shame he has regarding it, but I just wanted your take on this situation and what you think is the best way to move forward. Is THC really a good coping mechanism when used the right way? Sincerely a stuck and confused betch. My question to her, what she doesn't really include, is like what bothers her about the smoking. Obviously the lying is an issue, like regardless. But she doesn't even mention it to us,

which makes me think he probably doesn't have a great grasp of like the reason that she wants him to cut back or stop doing this. And I think people don't do things because other people tell them to. So he's clearly lying because he's not on board with whatever her reasoning is, which I don't even know what her reasoning is. And it does seem for some reason, I get the vibe that she's more okay with the edible than the smoking. So maybe it's almost like the smell of it or the connotation or the feeling that he's like a stoner who's always high or something. Yeah. So there might be some judgment around it that I think needs to be addressed that maybe there is that is part of like this shame thing why he's not telling her because maybe she is judging him. I do think sometimes with

couples when I see this type of an issue. And again, she doesn't address it. There's this kind of like, we're not on the same page feeling, whether it's alcohol or marijuana or psychedelics or whatever people are doing. There's this feeling of like, we're not connecting because you're on one level and I'm on a different level. So I don't know if that's part of it. But I think you're right. I think they have to address what is her problem with it exactly. And, there's many things that could be an issue with it. Maybe he's, you know, so you act differently. Yeah.

Unmotivated, whatever. I don't know what, yeah. Or the big thing is maybe she feels like he's not really, this is like a band-aid on a bullet wound. You know, like he has this big childhood trauma that needs to be addressed in a bigger way than just, you know, I get triggered by something and then I, you know, smoke weed and forget about it. it. And if that's the thing, I think that's a valid, like, reason. I think the reason,

it feels like you guys keep fighting about the actual usage. And maybe it's more like that's the symptom of, again, like the unresolved issue that you see, maybe you see that OCD or that other, the anxiety coming out in other ways. Yeah, I, I definitely agree. I think he needs to be on board with the reason why you're asking him other than like drugs are bad. don't do drugs. Right. Just like you would need to be on board for anything that someone asked you to stop doing. Right.

Because if you don't believe that it's bad or if you don't believe that it's harming you, then it just seems like someone trying to control you. And especially, you know, around this, if there is this kind of stigma about the stoner thing, and he's kind of like, yeah, I don't, that doesn't bother me. Like, I don't mind that identity. I don't mind that stoner thing. Like, that's how I was when you met me. And now all of a sudden, you're judging me for that or like, you don't think that's like cute or cool anymore when that never bothered you before.

So now that feels like judgey. I mean, in circumstances change, I mean, you could be with a partner who drinks a lot when you first start dating. And then they suddenly have more responsibilities. They're married. Maybe they're thinking of starting a family. I can see why she's like something that used to work for me in our relationship feels like it's stopping you from doing X, Y, Z. 100%. All this needs to be discussed. And that's the reason why he's lying is because there's something that he's not feeling comfortable saying to you. As far as the trauma, and I think we've talked

about this before, you know, a lot of times just regular talk therapy, it's great, but I definitely think that EMDR is a top-notch therapy for trauma. which is, you know, it's a type of therapy where you don't even really have to talk through your actual, you don't have to verbalize what happened to you. You just have to kind of recall the trauma in your mind while you do kind of this lateral movement, whether it's moving your eyes side to side or having vibrating paddles in your hand that vibrate alternatingly side to side or even listening to sounds that go back and forth, it kind of rewires your brain that when you recall this trauma, it creates a different pathway in your brain that it doesn't activate your nervous system

in the same intense ways. So it just naturally, you don't feel the need to use substances when that trauma is activated. So it's a really great therapy for anyone who does have any type of trauma, whether it's childhood trauma or PTSD as an adult. So I would definitely look into that if it seems like whatever therapies he's using are not working. Maybe you pivot entirely and then take the focus off of the marijuana to kind of again address the real issue there. Trauma versus the substance abuse. Yes. All right. Let's do an intention. I will read it. Sure. Hydrogen and Dr. Naomi, love you both and the pod. I've been a loyal listener since the first episode. I'm

requesting an intention today for how to appreciate old pictures of myself. For context, I have been a mid-sized slash slightly overweight girly most of my life. I was also grinding away in a very high-stress career for most of my 20s and didn't prioritize working out or eating healthy enough at all. This led to many years and many major milestones, graduations, family and friends' weddings, etc. where I really did not look or feel my best in my body. Now, in early 30, I have started to find a healthier, more balanced lifestyle, and I'm seeing the results and am much happier in my skin. But when I see photos of these events hanging in friends and family members' homes or posted on Instagram, birthday post, etc., I can't help but feel so

much shame and sadness for my former self. Although I do not feel like I looked my best, these were really joyful events and I want to be able to look back at the pictures fondly without being ashamed or embarrassed about them. I think looking at them fills me with a lot of regret for years. I allowed myself to live not looking or feeling my best. Please give me an intention for how to look back on these times with a better, more joyful perspective. Yeah. You know,

our relationship with our bodies, because we're living in them, feels like very permanent almost. Like it feels like this is, this is me. This is like my identity is my body as it is right now. And if we zoom out, we can see that,

our body is just kind of this container that takes us through all these different seasons. I mean, even as it starts out, like you're this baby that you wouldn't believe it if you didn't see it is the same person as you. And so when you're 80, that's the same person that is you. And if you didn't live it, you would never believe that you are this, that that body is the same body, you know, and we get this question a lot around pregnancy, right? And I have a lot of patients that are afraid of getting pregnant because they're afraid of how their bodies are going to change. And our identities, oftentimes are so connected to our bodies that she's feeling shame about a body

that she doesn't even have anymore. Like she's just ashamed of this old body that doesn't even exist. Or I have patients that are afraid of the shame of the body that they don't even have yet, like when they get pregnant. Yeah. And I do think that's like, to normalize that, I think we all can see a picture of ourselves from the past and be like, ugh, like I wish they didn't choose that picture or like that was a really weird hair day or, you know, I didn't, I don't like the way that I looked in that outfit.

I can't believe I thought that was a good outfit. So I think there's like some level of that for pretty much everyone at the very least. But yeah, it is hard because you want to be like rejecting the picture, but you did have a good time. So I do see the dilemma. And again, normalize it. I mean, that's why I bring it up. I think a lot of people have this clinging to your body as yourself, which is normal, right? But I think if you can look at your body as just like that container that carried you through that part of your journey and what did your body do for you in that phase of her life? It sounds like she worked really hard. She accomplished some great stuff. She talks about graduations and, you know, working through a

tough part in her career that it seems like now maybe she got through and now she has a little bit more work-life balance where she can find the time to exercise. So that body, which also included her brain and her, you know, other aspects of her carried her through a challenging part. in her life and that's the body that got her through that phase of life. Just like a certain body might get you through carrying a baby if that's something. I know a lot of people are fearful of that. So if you can look at your body as sort of this container that just carries your soul, your purpose through your life, you can release a little bit of the, you know,

know, the permanence around it, that this is just this carrying you through this season of your life. And right now, it sounds like she's in a season of her life where she's able to really take care of this body and the way that she likes the way that it looks because she's caring for it in this particular way. And it's looking the way that she wants it to look. So in this season of her life, she likes the container that her soul is living in. And that feels nice. But I'm sure it's going to change. So looking at it as kind of the season, your body carries you through these seasons of your life. She wouldn't be in this body without that body. Exactly. And it sounds like she accomplished some great stuff. She had a lot of fun with her friends and she was able to, you know, kind of move through

that season of her life and there'll be different ones. And sometimes like you were even feeling, you know, I saw you on FaceTime the other day and I was like, dang, you look awesome. Like, you looked really good and strong and had muscles. And I remember a few months ago, you were like not feeling so great, you know, like, more when you were like freshly postpartum. And in that moment, you feel so attached to your body and what it looks like right now and today and realizing that is the beauty.

Like, it's the blessing and the curse of a body. Like, it's just ever changing. Yes. And it can be real, feel really tight. to your identity or like the idea that it's changed is like hard to accept. But like you said, it's always changing. It's always changing. And sometimes it gets better and sometimes it gets worse and sometimes it gets, you know, it's going to age, I would say inevitably pretty much. And it used to be a baby and you don't want to look like that anymore. Like it's like it is crazy like to. And I think that

when you think about that, it also gives you permission to not like it sometimes. That's okay too. You don't have to love it at every stage all the time. And I think if you can just look at it kind of as ever-changing and carrying you through this phase of your life, whatever, the season of your life, whatever that is. And yes, your body's aging. And even I'll speak for myself, you know, you get to a point where you're sort of like, okay, this body's aging. It is on the decline. Past its peak. Yes, past its peak. There's this place where you can kind of start to feel almost like proud of the age in your body. You know, you can start to feel like I feel good for my age. Like I feel pride in treating my body well and I feel

pride in. But it's still able to do things. Yeah, still, exactly. I'm still able to do these things or, you know, just kind of feel good for my age or I feel able to. bodyed or I feel, you know, gratitude for the way that my body is serving me and the things that I'm doing with my body as opposed to necessarily like this like tightness or this, you know. The way, the angle that it looks like in pictures. Yes. And another thing to think about these pictures just like as a sidebar is that you, I could see 15 pictures from the same event and really like two of them and think the other ones are like horrendous. So like a lot of it like the camera kind of gets you from like a certain angle and sometimes it's your friend and sometimes it's not.

And it's funny like I when I think back on like periods of my time, I sometimes think, you know, you glorify a younger better version of yourself sometimes like body wise. But then sometimes I'll get a, I'll see a picture like someone else's picture because I would have deleted that picture off of my phone. Someone else's picture of me from a certain day and I'm like, ugh, but I have other pictures from that same thing that I love your best picture, right. Right. So it's like, it doesn't mean anything. It's just like a camera is just capturing you at like an instant in time. I think if you can zoom out, right, this, God willing, this is a long life and this body is going to carry you through it. So the intention that I wrote is I will honor the body that has and will carry me.

through all the seasons of my life. So yeah, it was there. It brought you through then. It's brought you through today. And it's something about whatever got you through today, got you to the point where you've got to this body that you love now, that you're taking really good care of, that you're treating in a way where you like how you look

and you like how you feel. So enjoy it for now. And maybe sometimes you do need that reminder of like, wow, I feel so much better. now that I'm doing this, that or, you know, exercising. Right, like how far I've come. Yes. Sometimes you do kind of need that to stay committed to whatever it is that you're doing now that's making you feel better about yourself. All right. Keep it up. Yeah. Let's do triggers. I'm, right. You, would you like to read our first trigger? I am interested to hear Dr. Naomi's take as a

therapist because I just had a terrible encounter with a new therapist. I, 30 year old female, my fiance, say 29-year-old female decided to go to a new couples therapist together to improve our communication going into our wedding later this year. We are both under a lot of stress as I just quit my job to start a business and we are both planning this wedding. We've been bickering a lot more lately, but nothing major. So we wanted a professional's opinion to help us have some new tools to prevent bickering from happening. We spent the first 10 minutes talking to this new therapist, describing some of the trivial arguments we've been getting in and things as a couple of that we both want to work on. I asked her if she had any tips for us and she told me that she can't tell us

what to do, that we need to figure it out. I told her that we came to her because we need some help and we can't figure it out on our own and she asked if we wanted her to tell us what she thought, but we're not going to like it. We said yes, then she told us after 10 minutes of knowing us that she does not think that my partner is ready to get married. We were both shocked. We have a solid relationship and the only reason I can think of why she said this is because my partner was saying how stressed she is for the wedding. My partner is doing all of the design work herself and we are planning a wedding in Italy from the U.S. Of course, we're stressed, but for a therapist to tell two new clients that they basically shouldn't get married when our wedding is two months away seems unbelievably unprofessional to me and could have been

harmful to the relationship if we were not solid. I ended up faking a work call and ended the session short and we canceled all of our future appointments. What do you all think? How triggered can we be? As someone who has done couples therapy, I feel like this is like so far from anything that like the couples therapists that we saw would do. So you tell me, you do couples therapy.

So you tell me if that, if mine is just very different or if this is like crazy. After 10 minutes, see, this is sometimes what, what aggravates me. I don't know about therapists in general. or maybe it's the

association with therapists or like is this idea that because you have a therapy license that somehow now you have like ESP in 10 minutes that I now, because I've been granted by this state of New York, a psychology license

that I can tell you in 10 minutes whether or not your relationship is going to work out or I can tell you in 10 minutes whether or not you have bipolar disorder. or whether or not you are a narcissist. Right. Would you ever tell anyone in 10 minutes what you thought about their longevity of their relationship?

I would never make any conclusive statement about anyone in 10 minutes. I would just nothing. Or even ever, I feel like would you say, like I don't think you guys are going to work out? I've never said that to a couple ever. I don't think you're going to work out. I'm not God. I don't know whether or not a couple is going to work out or not work. out. I might say something like, this is going to be very challenging or, you know, it's going to take a lot of work to, you know,

that type, I might make that type of statement, but I would never say partner X is not ready to get married. I would never say that after 10 minutes. I don't think you can make any conclusive statement. And it is this type of like a cocky therapist that I think feels like they can. can size someone up after 10 minutes that it's almost like they want to be on TV or something. You could see someone on a television show that has like a 30 minute TV show that wants to come on and be like, you know, like Judge Judy. Like, right. Liya, you're a liar.

You're not going to make it. You know, like, right, which is not what the field is about. No, right. So it seems like someone who's just like really bad at their job. Also to say like you guys have to figure it out is crazy. Do you have some tips? Right. Like what then what are you doing here to like sounds like very bad at facilitating open

and honest communication? I don't know what's going on here. Like someone might be like, you know, I'm not supposed to tell you what to do. Right. I'm not supposed to tell you what to do, but it doesn't mean a therapist can't guide you to get there. on like, that's kind of... How to communicate.

Yeah, how to figure it out with the two of them. That is crazy. Here's some tips on how to communicate. Where did you find this person? Yeah. Can you secretly like DM us with some more details? Tell us who they are. We want to know.

I'm just very curious because... Also to say that you're not... Tell someone that they're not ready for marriage when they're their first time seeing you really could, I think, put a wrench in the relationship and otherwise potentially, healthy relationship. Right. And that's part of the, when you're a therapist and you've been granted a license and someone comes to you like she's saying and they're trusting you that you are professional

and you say, well, you know, person X is not ready for for marriage. They might go home and kind of feel like, oh my gosh. They just said that. A professional said that I'm not ready, right? Or a professional said that you're not ready. Like, fess up. You're not ready. See? She said you're not ready. And to say, can you give us some tips? We're bickering a lot. And then to say, I can't tell you what to do? Right. You have to figure it out. It's like, all right, well, then can I get a refund? That's what her answer should have been when she said, should we get married. Are, am I ready for marriage? I can't tell you whether you're not, you're ready for marriage after 10 minutes. That should have been the answer to that question. Yeah, very unprofessional. I get this neat. Yeah, this is, it is really, it's very tough with therapists because I do know a lot of people that have had some really bad experiences. And it's a type of relationship. We really need that trust.

You really need to establish, you know, that what goes on in that space feels like what you're telling that person is something that they can believe in. And so it's not to taint them if they do want to say, see someone else now where they can come in and feel like that's a safe space and they're not going to be being fed a load of crap like that because she's anxious, that means that she's not ready to get married. I don't think that that's true. Very irresponsible. I'm sorry about that. Very frustrating. I hope it doesn't turn you away from therapy. There's some great therapists out there that can help you to understand maybe what might be there might be some anxieties about getting

married everyone has anxieties about getting married everyone has it's a big huge commitment it's a lifelong ideally commitment so maybe she's nervous about something maybe there is something unspoken that someone's anxious about it doesn't mean that they're not ready for it it just means maybe there's some more that needs to be communicated all right let's do one more we have a voicemail for this one let's roll the tape. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, huge fan of the pod, all things, betches, all things you up. Love you guys so much and everything you do. I have a fun little triggered for you.

So I am three months postpartum with my second baby girl. And I was talking to my best friend and her wife on FaceTime yesterday. And I was showing her my little girl. And her wife says, okay, I don't mean to offend you when I say this. which I was like, okay, not a good start, but go on. And she's like, do you know the alien from men in black, like the baby? And I was like, no, I don't really remember. And she's like, oh, your daughter just looks so much like the alien.

And I'm like, oh, my baby looks like an alien. You thought that was a good thing to say? And she was like, well, I just, like, she's so cute. Like, that's all I meant. Like, she has such big alert eyes. And so she just reminded me of the alien, but in a good way. Like, she's really cute. And I was just kind of laughed it off and we hung up.

And then I was talking to my husband and I'm like, okay, I'm like offended by that. That does not seem like an okay thing to say. So how triggered can I be, Jordana? How would you feel if your precious little girls were compared to an alien? Let me know. Love you guys. Bye. Yeah, I would find this comment really annoying too.

I would rather someone tell me that I look like an alien than that my daughter looks like an alien. Is this alien attached? hear the alien from men and black? I think it is, yes. That's not cute. I could see a world in which maybe there was a cute alien, but if this, I'm sure everyone who's listening, Google it, Alien from Men and Black.

Also, again, if you have to say, don't be offended, then just don't say it. Yeah, just filter, filter. You could think it. Yeah. You can tell you, you can tell your, you could tell your wife. after you hang up the phone behind the person's back. Just like don't tell.

Yeah. Because it's kind of like what's, you have to think, I think, before those kinds of scenarios, like what's the best case thing for me telling this person that they look? I guess that they think it's hysterical and they agree. And you're the one who's gotten to coin that she looks like this alien and now everyone thinks so. Unlikely and still probably not great, even if that happens.

worst case scenario, it's like offensive and it kind of is. When it comes to a baby, it's one thing, even like with a dog, I think someone might get offended. But like when it comes to someone's baby, unless it is hands down, clearly a compliment, like it looks like the Gerber baby or like if it's obviously super cute reference, don't say it. People are super super. People are super sensitive about their babies. Agreed. Again, I would rather be told that I look like the alien. No, not nice. Yeah. And three months, she's three months.

It's like people are still so hormonal, postpartum. I'd like that she said that to the person on the phone, though. She's like, oh, I'm surprised you thought that was like a good thing to like say out loud. Not a good thing to say. I remember Maddie had the old man when she was a newborn, like the old man hair that just like looked like she was bald, like a balding old man around the back. And I was like,

if anyone says anything, I will like claw their eyes out. I get offended if they're not told that they're cute, let alone said something negative. Negative. Right. You better say that they're cute. Yeah.

I will silence is not an option. If we go to dinner and the waiter or the waitress doesn't say anything. I'm like, what's going on here? Did you see the babies? Right. They don't think the babies are cute, Mike. Mike, they don't think the babies are cute. They haven't said it. Oh my God. They're so cute. See, that's that's all, that's, that's what you needed to say on command. You could think it. If you think it, you're allowed to think whatever your mind wants to think, right? You can even talk shit behind the person's back. I'm also okay with that. Not great karma, but like fine. You can't say it to the parents or relatives.

of the child. Or filter and just say, wow, she has such big alert eyes. They're so beautiful and cute. Yes. Must include that part. Not cool. Validated. Only positive baby comments.

Six. I give it a six. I'll give it a six too. Yeah, just keep it. Keep it positive. It's not that hard. Yeah. Or just don't, or worst case, just don't say anything.

If you really don't think the baby's cute, You have nothing to compliment about the baby. You said that's unacceptable. From like someone who's trying to get a tip. Yeah. Okay. Then you say, if you don't think the baby's cute, you say, oh, my God, she's getting so big. Okay.

All right. I can't believe it. Bank it. I'll bank these. These are like the, your baby's not that cute compliments. Oh my God. I love her outfit. Okay.

The outfit is adorable. It's like. Yeah, yeah. All right. Got it. Got it. Or lie. Just say they're cute. Yeah. Every mom's going to believe you. Right. Right. Right. For real. All right. Well, validated for sure. We did it. We did it. Hope this helps. If you, I just want to appreciate everyone who emails. I know there's a vulnerability in emailing. I think we validated everyone today. Yeah. No, we did. We did. I appreciate everyone writing in. We don't always validate everyone today. Everyone got validated. Yes. big time. True. All right. Thanks for writing in. Keep them coming. But yeah, that's our time. Great work today.