Oversharing - Do I Have To Divulge My Affair?

Episode Date: May 12, 2026

Jordana is nervous about flying with two infants and Dr. Naomi reminds her that mothers have survived far worse with less caffeine and fewer snacks. A listener who’s the breadwinner in her marriage is annoyed after a friend decides to cosplay as a relationship economist and make wildly out-of-pocket comments about their dynamic. After an affair earlier in her life, a Betch wonders how important it is to divulge this past transgression to future partners. One woman is emotionally held hostage by her cat son, feeling exhausted by his constant demands for play and she’s looking for a way to stop panicking every time he starts parkouring off the furniture for attention. One couple’s chaotic toddler got injured while dad may or may not have been supervising, and now mom is being blamed for messed-up bandages like she personally caused the incident. And finally, a woman who’s been working hard to feel confident in her body is sent into a tailspin after a neighbor congratulates her on a “pregnant belly” that is, unfortunately for everyone involved, not a pregnancy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hi, listeners. We're excited to be bringing Oversharing, calm the fuck down to video if you sign up on the Betches site or via Spotify. And as part of that upgrade, subscription pricing will be adjusting starting in June. Before that change happens, we want to give you one last chance to lock in the current prices for another year. Between now and June 17th, sign up for an annual subscription to oversharing to

keep your rate of $39.99 a year before it shifts to $699 a month or $54.99 a year. Lock it in now. Your future self will thank you. Hello and welcome back to oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How's it going? Going good. I have a quick recommendation for you. Oh, let's hear it. That has been a bit of a game changer. I have been putting in my morning, I know you sometimes have like a morning smoothie type, you know, I do. Yes. In your morning smoothie, highly recommend putting a whole kiwi with the skin.

Kiwi. Kiwi with the skin and tablespoon of chia seeds. Okay. Game changer. Especially for those. listeners over 40 that might be in the benefiber crowd, if you know what I'm saying. Oh, wow. Okay. I think we all are understanding the benefit now. Okay. So yeah, and Kiwi is a superfood. For those of you, like they say it's just really healthy, but obviously Kiwi skin is disgusting.

But if you put it, it's good for you? It's very good for you, but it's gross. But if you put it in your smoothie, it kind of disappears and then you can get the benefits. So you heard it here first. Throw it in your smoothie with the little nubs on the end at all. I don't think I bought a kiwi in like ever. I don't think I've ever just bought a kiwi. I might have had a kiwi like at a breakfast buffet. Like on vacation when they like yeah, totally. Kiwi is kind of like a vacation fruit. But yeah, do it. Next time you go to the grocery store, two, well, two Kiwis. That's what I would recommend. Two Kiwis. Wow.

Two Kiwis in with your smoothie in the morning. Indulgent. Indulge in two Kiwis with the skin on. A tablespoon of chia seeds. And chia seeds, I would just throw chia seeds and everything. They are tasteless and they're a ton of fiber. Good for you. Right.

And like you can't taste them. That's a good tip. I need to add to my smoothie. What do you put in your smoothie? What else do you put? Just give us the recipe. Don't bury the lead. So my morning smoothie recipe is two Kiwis with the peel, with the skin, with the little nubs at the end, those gross little nubs.

Water, ice, yogurt, scoop of peanut butter, sometimes an apple with the skin, sometimes a banana, chia seeds. Call it a day. That sounds great. And it's very filling. Like that keeps me full for a long time because it's like a whole two three whole fruits. It's a lot of protein. Yeah. Protein peanut butter, chia seeds.

Yeah. And I just feel healthy. And yeah, there's I've like I'm just saying I've tried a lot of stuff. I put benefiber in my coffee every morning. I eat lots of things like I am kind of obsessed with dates. They're delicious. That's a great little. treat. If you're looking for a sweet treat, like some people think it's crazy. I go, I go to events.

I'm like, your kids like that when you're like, they're like, we want ice cream and you're like, have two dates. Have two dates. No, they hate it. But like, I'll go to events and I have my little bag of dates and I pull out my bag of dates. And even with other parents, I'm like, these are so healthy. And like, it's such a sweet, delicious treat. And people look at me like, I'm crazy. But nothing is the magic of two Kiwis with the skin and a tablespoon of chia seeds. Okay. Mark my words. You heard it here first.

If you see this all over social media, it started right here. Yes, totally. Do it. Love it. So anyway, enough about that. I am experiencing a little anticipatory anxiety. I'm going to Florida with Mike and the girls. Now I know where we're headed with this.

Okay. Yeah, just the four of us. Well, maybe you do and maybe you don't. So I'm going to see like our mom and some other family members, Jared and some other people there. But I'm getting a little anxiety about traveling with two little babies just because I don't know what it's like and I'm trying to like prep. But it's funny.

I keep having these. I think you'd enjoy this. I keep having these visions to when like you, me and our other sister, Shira. I think we took, we took Lila and Maddie when they were probably like one and two or like zero and one or something like that to Florida. And I'm just, the only thing I remember about that trip is like a vomit train of like on the airplane. Or even in the in the condo where everyone was kind of just throwing up on each other. There was a lot of spit up happening. Yes, for sure.

And yeah, I'm a, I'm kind of, I think it's going to be fine. Your girl spit up a lot. One of them does more than the other, but not like a, not a crazy amount. But the other day Charlie did throw up through her mouth and nose spit up. But she was like, she was like giggling. Oh, okay. She was probably like, this tickles. I guess it's more just like, it's really, again, nothing has happened.

It's just like the feeling of anxiety. And then I was talking to one of my friends who you, I think, used to see. And she told me, she gave me a tip that you gave her. She said, one thing Naomi actually said to me, and she hit the nail on the head was there may be moments of chaos, but overall you've got a handle on it. there are probably going to be moments of chaos, that moment where you're like, okay, there's a poop explosion. I'm in the window seat and like I've got a, oops, I forgot the onesie or it's in the bag and the overhead compartment. And now that's going to happen. And that's going to be a moment.

But again, I think there's this feeling of like, okay, well, that happened. What does this mean? Or what are we going to do? Or now I have to do so much to be. prevent this from ever happening again or what do I have to do ahead of time to be it's something like that's probably going to happen or I'm going to have to sit here in this spit up drenched sweater sticking to my neck and I'm going to smell like spoiled milk for the next four hours till I get to the hotel and whatever the big fear of the thing is or some people a lot of my patients have fears of the baby screaming and everyone's staring at you and hating you and thinking like, what's wrong with you make this child stop screaming?

Or even as toddlers, they're kicking the seat and they're getting dirty looks and people judging you and, you know, there's going to be moments of chaos. But overall, you've got it. You can handle it. I would almost expect the moments of chaos. Right. And then you can kind of just like lean in. Here it is.

Here it is. It's going to happen. Yes. I knew it was going to happen here. Are you going to be one of those moms? I know there are moms that like come to the plane with like goodie bags for the people in their row. I think I would do that for maybe like older kids. I don't know. I feel in my mind they're just going to sleep.

If they were like real screamers, I might do that. They generally like they'll cry, but they don't cry that much if they're being held. If I was like putting them down, I think or if they were really hungry, which I wouldn't let them get to that point. Right. Especially in a plane. I think I would do that if they were like, you know, maybe more active or if they were touching things or something like that. Have you done that?

No, that's not my style. I'm not that like prepared. I barely can pack my own diaper bag, let alone goodie bags for the other passengers. I would expect that at some point there's going to be some kind of a chaotic moment. Okay, here it is. We knew this was going to happen. The whole chaotic moment is really probably 20 minutes or last. before you figure it out, get it settled.

It's an unpleasant odor or it's a, you know, a displeased passenger or an inconvenient thing. And eventually it'll be solved and it'll be, and they're so cute that like nobody's going to be that mad. It's just like the first time of it, you know, because I feel like whenever you do anything for the first time, you kind of like, you don't know the little like tips and tricks. Because anyone who like travels with kids all the time, I'm sure like knows like,

and this is what we do because like we've had this problem and then this is what we already do to solve this problem, which we know we're going to have because we've done this before. So this still feels like a trial run that I guess feels more anxiety written because I'm like, I don't even know what the problems that I'm going to need to fix next time are and I won't know until I do it. So it feels like annoying to be like a guinea pig for my own. self. But I feel like the car seat is like half the annoyance of travel.

Oh, yeah. I remember lugging. I forget what it was called. We had this like, Diono car seat, which was supposed to be like 7,000 pounds. And I remember we would take it on the plane with its own little carrying case. And it was,

it had wheels just to carry the car seat to, I was like, this is maddening. There's got to. be a better way. There is. Yeah, I'm sure now there is. Yes. Now there's the Duna. Do you know what the Duna? Yes. I was just talking with someone about this. It like is a stroller slash car seat and one. Yes. So you change it into a stroller then you can put it right. So I had one of those because I only got one because I'm like if I'm going to take the two of them out, I need a double stroller. But now I asked on a different podcast for some advice and everyone was like just you need two Duna's.

Yeah. So I borrowed my friends Duna, which is very convenient because she had, well, she actually gave it to me. because she's like, as kids, her youngest is like four. And I think it's past that weight limit. So two dunas. That's it. There we go. I felt like the car seat was, and then you want to take an Uber and how do you get the car seat into the end and to buckle it in and then buckle it. I mean, it's still like a lot of that.

That's like I would say the logistics of kids is just. If you're out there and you're an engineer, figure it out, create a car that just pops into a car. a car seat. Like just figure it out already. This is crazy. Yeah. I like like those roller skates where that used to turn back into sneakers. You're like inside the sneaker, right? Yeah. Someone figure this out. The schlepping of the car seats. It's getting tiresome. Yes. Figure it out. We won't because that's not our strong suit. But we will get into your issues because that we can help with. Let's do it. Let's do it. If you have a voicemail, you can leave us a voicemail. It's 646. 363-6-26-294, or you can send us an email at oversharing at betches.com.

If you want to subscribe, you get two bonus episodes a month, plus all the episodes ad-free and a day early. And if that's not enough for you, not enough over-sharing for you, you can join one of Dr. Naomi's therapy groups. Yes, come join us, Naomi Bernstein.com. It's real, I just came off running some groups this morning. It puts me in a good mood. I really, I love being there with, I really feel very honored. I sometimes work with patients and see them through the beginning of, you know, being single and wanting to meet someone and then they meet someone and they even have a baby or whatever their life journey is. And we all kind of go through the whole thing together. It's just really fun. It's like a little community, a friendship, friendship community. And it's just really, really special. if you're interested, come join us, Naomi Bernstein.com.

I also do have some individual therapy slots open. So if that is something you're interested in, yeah, come find me there as well. Naomi Bernstein.com. Let's connect. All right. Let's do an overshare. I will read the first one. Hi, Jordan and Dr. Naomi.

Thanks so much for all you do. I recently had an uncomfortable conversation with my best friend where I felt she overstepped into my marriage. She was coming from a place of care, but she was. He was very direct about finances and said my husband needs to find a different job with better pay and benefits so I wouldn't be carrying so much pressure. For context, my husband is a blue-collar guy who works on cars. We've been together over 13 years and married nearly seven.

And I understood this dynamic when I married him. He works hard, brings a lot to our life that isn't financial, but I currently cover our benefits and about twice as much of our household expenses. I didn't disagree that I sometimes feel stuck in my job because of that or which things felt more balanced. But when I acknowledged her concern without matching her urgency or taking a forceful stance, she became frustrated. The tone shifted and felt condescending towards both me and my husband, and I felt pressured to promise I'd raise these concerns with him. I later shared the conversation with my husband and it hurt him and made him feel diminished. What makes this especially hard is that

I trust my friend deeply and I don't usually feel judged by her. At the same time, I also feel very protective of my marriage. She's never been in a long-term relationship and I don't think she fully understands the nuance and compromise that comes with one. I don't believe it's my role to force another adult to change their life or career, even if some of what she said has truth. Since then, I've noticed myself pulling back and putting a wall up with her. So my question is, how do I talk to this friend about how that conversation affected me and set a boundary around my marriage without damaging a friendship I really value, signed a conflicted batch. This almost reminds me what we're talking about it like of like how to handle a teenager kind of thing like sometimes when someone's complaining

to you or really upset about something and you come in with like you know what you got to do or here's what you guys should do it makes them not want to tell you stuff it makes them feel like now your emotions are taking up all this space and that's not what I was looking for here like she was probably just looking to vent about how stressed out she was or stressed out about finances. And now here she is. Getting unsolicited advice. Yes. And having to like defend her whole lifestyle choice when everyone's lifestyle has pros and cons.

And she's made the choice that like, yeah, I've chosen this person for a lot of reasons. Their financial contribution isn't the top reason. And I'm allowed to kind of complain about that sometimes without feeling like I am getting a lecture. And I think the fact that her friend hasn't isn't in a long-term relationship or hasn't been in a long-term relationship definitely affects the advice she gives because I think the more of a lived experience you have, the more you realize things are a little more nuanced. And sometimes you're not in a long-term relationship because you don't like to compromise on things that other people would compromise on. And therefore, you're someone who would have stricter, more intense beliefs about something that other people might think has a little bit more of a gray area. And that's a sticky spot too because you don't want to feel like, well, now I can't talk to you about my relationship at all because your opinion on relationships doesn't matter at all because you're not in one. Like that doesn't feel good.

Right. Well, that does not doesn't matter at all, but isn't the end all be all, which she's trying to make it, she's trying to make it the end all be all. Like this is what you have to do. Promise me you're going to do this. First of all, like that kind of energy is sort of annoying and anyone you're getting advice from. Yes. People feel like that all the time. Like, trust me, as a therapist, I often have the feeling or the thought of wanting to say,

promise me, you're going to do this thing by the next time we talk. And I know that that's not, if someone's not in that place, that's not going to be helpful. It's going to make them feel pressured. It's going to make them feel like, oh, I'm dreading my next therapy session because I'm not ready to do the thing or I don't ever want to do the thing. And you're someone people pay to get advice from. Yeah. So this person isn't even that. Sometimes what I will do and even, you know, in the groups, sometimes what I'll say is,

and one of the good things about group therapies, I will say, would you like some accountability on this and kind of put it back out them? Like, would you like us to hold you accountable for having this conversation with your mother by next week? And some people be like, eh, not really. Like, I don't think I'm ready. And some people would like, yeah, actually. ask me again next week. I would like to have some deadline to have this conversation. So that might be a way

that the friend could have handled that where she was like, do you think you could try to talk to him about this before, you know, such and such time? And she might have been like, yeah, you know what, actually, when I'm put in this position where I know like, okay, I really have to do this by next week, she might have come to the conclusion to say, you know what, I'm not going to talk to him about this. I've chosen to accept this about him. And now that I kind of, I'm put in this pressure situation, it's actually made me realize that, like, I'm not going to do it. Right. And I'm surprised she brought this to the husband. Sort of. If she brought it to the husband with like, you need to do this. And my friend says, well, that, but I don't think that's how she said it. I think

she said, like, best friend was pressuring me to do this and it made me kind of upset and uncomfortable. I think that's probably how she brought it up, which was almost like, I'm confiding in you that I was upset by best friend because she's making me feel pressured about like this dynamic that we have that I'm kind of okay with. But is she okay with it? Because she's, again, there's like, I think they would really have to be like really well communicated in this part of their life for that conversation to go well.

If there was anything kind of swept under the rug around that, I do think that would be a very uncomfortable conversation to have that sort of like would feel like she was bringing this into the discussion because her friend told her to. I think this listener needs another outlet. Purpest. Yeah. I think she needs another outlet. And I always say this is one of the most challenging parts of being in relationship in general is you are suffering because she probably. is calling her being like, oh my God, I worked 10 hours today. I came home. I'm exhausted. Husbands not really capable of contributing anymore financially. I'm really frustrated.

I feel exhausted. And her best friend, like she said, it's coming from a place of care is like, hey, I want to go out to this restaurant or let's go get our nails done. And she's kind of like, not only did I just work all day, but I really can't afford to do that. And her best friend is probably like, we got to do something about this. Like, Let's get your husband's got to contribute more. And so she's just, when someone you love is suffering and they keep calling you and talking about the same ways that you're suffering, most people go to is like, how do we fix it? And after a while, when you keep complaining about the same thing, it's hurtful if you love

somebody and you want to try to just strategize and be like, I can't take hearing you suffer this way anymore. and I want to go get my nails done and I want you to come. So like, let's fix it. And that is a really hard part about being in relationship is having someone that has the same problem that's not going away and there's nothing you can do about it. And that's when you want to jump in and like tell them you better get this under control. Or I'm going to. Well, I think she should figure out what she wants from the friend in those scenarios.

Like I think she could say, she could still vent to the person and say, hey, I just like in the future, like when I'm talking about this thing, I know it can be annoying, but like when I'm doing it, I just really want to vent. Like, I don't really want advice. It kind of does, it doesn't really help me in that situation. What I, what I really need is for someone to just like listen and like sit with me in it. Just a few options. One is that. Just tell her what she wants or two, just pick someone else to complain to about that because it's just too hard. for her to sit with you in it. Or someone who maybe like you feel like would be better at this topic who has more real world experience in it. I think that's also okay. If you had a different friend or a relative or someone like that who's like been married for a long time and understands those

things or isn't a similar financial situation than you. I don't think like one person is always like the right person to go to for all things advice related if they don't have experience on it. Like before I had kids, and even now, like, my friends who have been moms for like five years are not coming to me for parenting advice. And they shouldn't because I don't really know what I'm talking about. I could ask them how they, I could say that's tough that your kid is doing that or acting out or doing whatever. But like, I'm not going to tell you how to fix it. And if I do have a really strong opinion about how to fix it, I think that's weird. No, that does make a lot of sense. And I also think you have to kind of see where your values are maybe aligned with certain friends. Like for some. people having an ambitious partner feels like that's a battle to fight for. You know, like this friend who's not married might feel like if I find out on a first date, if I get an inkling that the person I'm dating is not ambitious. Financially, I'm out. And obviously, she knew when she met this guy, there were a lot of amazing qualities,

but financially ambitious was not one of them. And she was okay with that. So their values in terms of like how you push for the thing that you want in a romantic partnership are not aligned. And they might need to kind of agree to disagree on exactly how to handle the stress of this. And I think for this person, it's not, you know, tell your partner he needs to do more. I don't think that's what she's looking for. Yeah. Those are a few good options.

Yeah, a few options here. Let us know if you do send that uncomfortable text, how that goes. All right. Let's do a begetist. Hello, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I've been an oversharing listener since day one. I love the pod and you up. Anything Jordana is in, I will listen to.

Oh, love it. That is so sweet. That is so nice. I hope you are loving mom life. I have a dilemma and I would love your input. I 30 female recently started dating a new guy 28. I've spoken a little bit about the last relationship I had, but I don't want to say much about the relationship before that.

I had an affair with a married man. I met him when I was 22 at work. He was 11 years older than me and was my work leader. From age 23 to 26, we had an on and off affair. He consistently told me he loved me more than his wife and wanted to be with me. He just had to do some things before he could leave her and their four kids. I deeply loved this man, but he did put me through what felt like torture for years. He changed jobs and I haven't interacted with him since I was 12. He changed jobs. And I haven't interacted with him since I was 26. I have always felt bad about being involved with a married man, and I don't think it reflects my true character. I do think this experience changed my perspective on life and shaped who I am today. Very few people in my life know the extent of the affair,

but I know my family and coworkers had suspicions. Not interacting with him for the past four years has allowed me to grow and thrive compared to the dark place I was in when I had this secret. I would prefer not to have this experience tarnish my new relationship. Can I just never mention this to my new partner? Can I leave the past in the past, even though it had a huge impact on me? I told the last guy I dated about this because it was shortly after the affair ended. This caused a lot of tension in our relationship and he didn't seem to trust me at work. He would make a lot of comments about me working with men.

I work in a male-dominated field and I'm always working with men. He made me feel guilty for having fun with and just being a around my male coworkers. What should I do? Can I move forward in life and leave this behind me? Or do I need to reveal all my baggage to my future partners? Thanks for all you do, a batch that just wants to check my baggage at the door and never see it again. P.S. If it matters, this man is still with his wife and she does know about the affair. Well, it doesn't matter. But thank you for letting us know. So this was how long ago. This was four years ago that it ended. four years ago. Yeah. So to me, this is like an important part of your life story of something that

happened in your life and to not tell someone that you're dating or want to be in a serious relationship with is to kind of like hide who you are in a way. And not saying that this is who she is, but it's more, and I always say this about anything dating related that anyone comes into any like quote unquote baggage. It's like not the baggage. It's how you handle it. So it's not about what you've done. everyone has done things they regret. Everyone has, you know, some sort of baggage with them. It's more about like how they talk about it, how they relate to, how they processed it. And I think maybe with the first guy, she probably was like, oh, I told someone it didn't end well and it like backfired. So I'm not going to do this. But it sounds like she told someone right after it happened.

And maybe she hadn't processed it or hadn't really thought about why she did it and why she wouldn't do it again and why it was so bad for her and all these things. Because like, I think someone who heard that and how she learned from that story, I think would find it to be like something that made her feel certain things that she feels today or made her who she is today. And I think that like people make mistakes and it's really like much more about how you process them. And if you hide like something like this from someone, I think it's way worse than telling them. Totally agree. Because the hiding it means that you are then still that deceitful person, right? Yes. You are still being that person versus I'm going to tell you now I am a different person who is no

longer deceitful, which is like what you're saying. It's either in the past or it's and you've processed it and you're moving through. When you don't say anything, it then brings it kind of you think you're a good point. Right. You think you're like leaving it behind by not saying it, but you're actually bringing it into the present. Omissions are lies in many circumstances, and I think this is one of them. If I was dating someone and I found out a year or two into dating them that they were dating a married man with four kids for four years, that would be a deal breaker. But if they told you and they were like, this is what happened, I got totally swept up in this thing. I feel like I was so young. I was really insecure. I did whatever, you know,

again, whatever you've, you've personally processed to like, if you've processed it. So here's I think that's the other part. Yes. I mean, she says it. I would have a lot more faith. Maybe she just didn't put it in here. But just by virtue of years passing, process doesn't then exist. Right. You need to really do the work to figure out what was going on that made this thing feel so magnetic to you. That's the work. Why did this feel he was holding you on a string for so long. There were so many parties here that stood to be hurt, but the feeling of him coming to you was so enticing and intoxicating. What was that? What void was he filling for you? If you know the answer to that, great. I would share that with this person when you give that explanation, what void was he filling? How is that? How is that void now, you know, understood or filled or what self-confidence were you lacking that now you have a better understanding of yourself? I do think you can't just be lip service of like,

I've learned so much about myself. And now I really under, you got to really walk the walk of it. And if you have and if you really do feel like you've grown and you've learned, then great. Then I agree with you. Then I agree with you. share it with him and tell him that you've learned and you've grown and you're a different person because it's true. But just saying those words doesn't make it true. Very true. That's also a very good point. Again, because she doesn't want to say anything, that makes me feel like she hasn't quite processed it as much as she wants to. And again, this could go for, this is, she's talking about like an affair she had with a married man. This could go for almost anything. You went to rehab.

You have a ton of a ton of debt. You have like anything that you, any like anything that you're carrying with you that you've needed to work through that's hopefully brought you to where you are today. That's something that like you need to work out before you can be ready to date anyone. 100%. And I have so many patients that like right around this age like early 20s. It's a really hard age. It's an age where you're really trying to find yourself self-esteem. Is it like an all-time low, I feel like, for a lot of people? Because in high school, you're kind of like, oh, I'm on the debate team and that makes me feel good.

Or I'm on the dance squad or I have my little group of friends, whatever. You're like on a track a lot of times. And that track keeps you feeling good in some way. You have like a little identity that you're kind of funneled into by the high school that you're in. or even in college. There's like a little group that you're in. And then once you graduate a lot, or even college sometimes is not a great time,

self-esteem for women because you're in these, you know, male, female or, you know, for heterosexual women or just these sexual dynamics and romantic dynamics and competition and identity and finding yourself and body image and all the things. And I think it doesn't bring out the best in people, specifically women, I think, in early 20s. And I think it's very common and very normal to do things that then you feel sort of shameful

about. I have a lot of patients that are really very sexually promiscuous in their 20s or just like given to things that they think will make people like them sexually or otherwise, that then they feel very ashamed about afterwards and hold themselves and punish themselves and have really even further low self-esteem about in their early 20s, things like this. So I want to normalize it and say that things like this happen. Part of what you have to do is like figure out how to regain that confidence that was missing that got you to the point where you were engaging in behaviors that didn't make you feel good

about yourself. And beating yourself up about it is not the answer. You're not the same person you were when you're 22. That's a really hard age. I think it would is really rough. Bring me a 22 year old who's super self-actualized and self-confident. And I don't think it's going to be easy to find. And if it is, it's probably a bit of a put on.

Yeah. So figure your shit out and then start dating. And part of healthy dating is revealing who you are and the other person has to take. Will there be people who are turned off by the. story and don't want to date you, sure. That's okay. That person's not for you. The goal isn't to pretend like you're a perfect person when dating. It's to be who you are and to find a match for someone who, you know, loves you despite and sometimes because of your flaws. Yeah. And that, that, I think, is going to be part of your process of healing from this. I think right now you're

writing in, you're dating this person. I think kind of telling him, owning this in a real way, kind of like making your amends or whatever you want to, you know, confessing this, saying the words out loud and being able to tolerate that if he chooses that he doesn't want to be with you for that, that's part of the growth process of, you know, moving through this processing part of it and finding the person that's going to love you for you and accept you for what you've been through. And I think that's going to be part of how to really do the work to move through this is by telling this person and seeing how that goes. So this is being sent to you for a reason. Okay. Well, good luck. Good luck. This is, and I will say, not easy. I know we're

making this sound easy. This could be like years long process. Yes. But that's growing up. All right. Let's do some intentions. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, love the pod and I have been listening from the start. I would really appreciate your help with an intention. My husband and I have a two-year-old cat named Linguini. That's cute. Yeah, that's cute. Who is the absolute love of our life. He is so funny. He has a huge personality and we invest a lot of time and money into his well-being. We do puzzles with him, take him outside

daily on a leash. Oh, wow. Cat on a leash. Provide simulation activities and so much more. He's very active and does require a lot of attention, but we wouldn't have it any other way. We really want to nurture and celebrate his unique personality. Lucky cat. From a very early age, Linguini gets destructive when we don't immediately give him attention when he would like it. Keep in mind,

attention for him is high intensity play, not just snuggles. Sadly, high intensity play is not always an option. We often work from home so we can't just drop everything we're doing to play with him. Also, the amount of play he would like is just not sustainable. We want to provide the most fulfilling and fun life for him, but it's starting to wear on us long term. We know that the amount of high intensity play that he wants is not necessarily required for his breed and age. He seriously wants four to six hours of intense play every day. Oh my God. It was time for this. Veterinarians recommend about one hour for his age and breed. How do you even intensely play with a high intense play with a cat? I don't know. Catnip or the fishing pole thing? Yeah. Okay. Puzzles apparently. I didn't know

that we're cat puzzles. I guess so. We live in a city so we cannot and will not just let him outside by himself to burn off his energy. It's not safe and it's not recommended by our veterinarian. According to the many cat behavior resources we referenced, we have to ignore him when he starts to throw a fit when he doesn't get what he wants. Yikes, I truly honestly don't care when he breaks things. It's just stuff.

His safety and happiness are so much more important to me. I have a very, very strong maternal instinct and I have a really hard time not giving in when he wants something. To me, it feels like I'm being a bad cat mom if he's upset. And TBH, it's just really annoying. He's so loud. Pray for me when it comes time for me to have human babies. I'm so screwed.

I know in my logical mind that our cat has everything he could ever want or need. We are exceptional cat parents and he is so loved. But I can't seem to get my body to match the calmness of my mind. When he's meowing at us, knocking things over and getting really upset, my body goes into hyperdrive. My heart rate skyrockets and I feel like I could burst into tears. Once this happens, I can recognize it and I use some breathing techniques to remove myself from the room to quell my own meltdown. But I would love your help to avoid getting that triggered in the first place.

Could you provide an intention to help me stay mentally and physically calm in the moment? How do I manage this guilt when I know that I'm actually going above and beyond for him? Thank you for your help. Love a try hard cat mom. I better step it up. Yeah. This little reach back scratch is just about as much as I. Your dogs are getting.

Yeah, that's their, that's their low intensity play is. You don't have four to six hours of high intensity play with them every day. Linguini sounds a little bit spoiled. I don't know how she's going to feel about that comment. But I think we need to be undoing some bad habits. She knows it. And it's funny because it's like, it feels like it's selfless, but it's also like a little bit selfish.

Like I'm also prone to spoiling the dog and letting him do whatever he wants because I don't like to see him upset, but it's more about me dealing with my own emotions. And like, do you know what I mean? It's more almost for me because I don't like to seem upset. Not that it's necessarily best for him. But I do think, and I was going to say,

I'm going to give the same advice that I give with like sleep training. Right. Like it's in both of your best interest because it's really upsetting when he's meowing his little cat balls off, that's not pleasant for him, right? Like, he doesn't like that feeling. Like, babies don't like the feeling of, like, crying and being uncomfortable and, like, longing for you to come in. And Ron doesn't like that feeling of, like, being upset that you're not playing with him. Like, he, it's in his best interest to self-suit.

It's in his best interest to learn how to like play with the toy by himself or run around and chase squirrels in the backyard. Like he would be happier if he learned how to do those things by himself than standing there crying for you when you can't when you're working or you're, you know, with the babies or doing what you have to like nobody's happy when he's not getting what he wants. So there is like a light at the end of the tunnel, which is that, they learn to self-soothe. And once they learn to self-soothe, then they are soothed and you are calm because they are soothed. So the goal is that he does get soothed,

but he has to be like a participant in his own soothing. It can't be that you are the entire, you know, that all of this, yeah, soothing mechanism is all coming from you. He has to be a participant at a certain age in his own soothing. And it's the same thing that happens when I work with parents that are trying to sleep train. It's like, oh, the sound of the crying baby, or not even like crying,

but just like the whining and like a cat meowing. I don't have cats, but like maybe this is why. The cat meowing sound, I find to be really irritating too. So like I get that. It's like intense. So I could see, and even like baby crying sound and dogs whining sound, like they're meant, they're designed to activate you. Right. To get your attention. I've been through this again with all stages, with like, you know, baby sleep training stages. I've been through this.

I always say like I, it sounds kind of cruel, but I do think it is in the end, it is really beneficial, that moment where you like break them. And this is like, I'm referring to a child really here. It's like POW. Yes. The moment where you break them. Like I remember, I always think back to this moment where I had, I think it was maybe Maddie in the high chair. And like she had for whatever the reason was, she had to be in the high chair while I was cleaning the kitchen and she was just screaming to get out of the high chair and she was throwing every single thing. And the temptation is to be like, oh, my God, she's throwing spaghetti against the wall. Like, I'm just going to take her out of the high chair and like put her wherever she wanted to go or like give her the iPad in the high chair so that she'll just like be quiet and

stop throwing things so I could clean up the kitchen or whatever the thing was. And I was just like, she's having a fit and I'm not going to give her what she wants because then that just teaches her. here's a way to get what I want. I meow loud enough or I throw enough spaghetti against the walls and then I get what I want, whether it's the iPad or I get to get out of my high chair. And I remember just that moment where I just like didn't do it and didn't do it. And like the walls are covered in spaghetti and she's screaming and she's going crazy and she's like turning red and I'm just ignoring her and I'm like doing the dishes. And all of a sudden she's just. stopped and she was just quiet. And she like picked up like whatever little spoon was left on her high chair. And she just like looked at it. And she just started like gently tapping it on the top of the high chair and giggling. And I was like, oh my God.

She broke. I did it. It was like the best. And she just started self-soothing. She was like, this woman is not coming. She's not, I'm not, this fit is not working. And she just started like making herself giggle. And that work in the future for future.

She actually is out of all. I mean, I don't know if it was because of that moment, but like probably out of all of my kids, she's the most like easy, she self-soothes probably more than all of them. Well, she is a middle child. Yeah, she is a middle child, which is probably why she was the one that ended up sitting in the high chair, it's throwing spaghetti against the walls while they cleaned up the kitchen. But I've done that in ways with all of the kids, but I do think at some point they kind of get the message that like, I've got a self-sooth. And then that moment where like she really ended up being happier because of it.

And then it does work where she was like, okay, I'm not going to get out of this high chair by having a fit. That's not the way out. So it does work. And I think with Linguini, eventually he will learn to find a toy and play by himself and have, I'm sure you've provided him with many stimulating cat toys that he can engage himself in, but it's going to be a challenge to get there. So that's why I always picture the spaghetti on the walls and the screaming red face that is the pathway to then the giggles and the tapping of the spoon,

which then from that point forward, she really was much better at like sitting nicely and waiting in her high chair until it was time to get out. So I don't know if it was a whole personality change, but she was definitely better at sitting in the high chair until it was time to get out without having a fit. So I will give the same intention that I give to sleep training, parents, which is, this is just an unpleasant sound.

It's what's best for both of us. I am a good mom. And you know you're a good mom. You said it yourself. You're a good mom. You're great. Best cat mom. I haven't heard it better.

Best cat mom I've ever heard of. And it is in Linguine's best interest for him to learn to self-sooth. He will be happier for it. His screaming fits. Those are not fun for him. All right. I'm going to take that advice too when Ron starts crying at 2 in the morning. He did that last night. What did he want? Sometimes he just wants to be pet.

And he doesn't usually do this, but last night he started yesterday at like 2 a.m. And Mike was like, leave him. Yeah. And I was like, if I just pet him, we'll both feel better. And I did. So next time he does that, maybe I will. Yeah. And a lot of times it's not even spaghetti on the wall.

in a screaming red face, especially for sleep training, like for those of you out there that have like small children, babies or babies that you're trying to sleep train. A lot of times it's not like screaming. A lot of times it's just like, we're just a sound and you run in. Like, it's just a little tiny noise. Right. All right. I'm going to try that. I'm going to try that very intention. It's just an unpleasant sound. Just an unpleasant sound. Let's do some triggers. Hide your Dana and Dr. Naomi, absolutely love you both and the pod. Thanks. I have a triggered scenario that I would love for you to weigh in on. I have an almost two-year-old son who's extremely busy and completely lacks any awareness of danger, L.O.L. Last week, my husband was home with my son while I was out

having dinner with a friend. While my husband was in another room, my son somehow broke our handheld vacuum and managed to stick his finger in the metal fan while it was on and completely tore up his index finger. He was bleeding a ton and my husband made a quick decision to call an ambulance. My husband was extremely upset and blaming himself when I met them at the hospital. He's a first responder and does not get shaken easily. So it was not typical for me to see him like this and I felt terrible that he was so upset. I made sure to reassure him constantly that he did nothing wrong and that these things just happened with kids. I told him not to blame himself and that it could happen to anyone, and I genuinely was not mad or annoyed at him for this incident. The next day, we saw a specialist who

taught us how to wrap the wound, which, as you can imagine, is not easy on a two-year-old. While I was watching my son, he fell down and his bandage came off, meaning we would have to rewrap it, which is obviously a pain in the ass. My husband snapped at me saying, you need to keep a better eye on him. I was so... Oh, no, he didn't. I was so triggered and annoyed because I could have easily said something like this to him when my son got hurt, but I did everything to reassure him and keep his feelings in mind. I promptly flipped out saying that he needs to watch his tone and not place blame because this is just a difficult situation. So I want your opinion. How trigger can I be from this comment. Sincerely, a bet you needs to keep a better eye on her kid. P.S., we have since talked

this through and laughed about it, but my husband and I are arguing on what the triggered score would be. Can't wait to hear your thoughts. Nine. Nine. That's crazy. Yeah, that would be, I would flip out. Oh my gosh. You need to keep a better eye on him. Why are we in the situation in the first place? I mean, that's just like crazy. I'm glad that they're talking about it and laughing about it, but you tell him. We said a nine. He loses. He loses.

He loses. He loses. He does. I mean, I do think it is really, just a side note, to take it to a more serious place. It is really lovely and kind because accidents do happen. And I think it is a tendency when you're panicked and you get a call that your son literally like ripped apart part of their finger and a fan that is avoidable.

Right, but it does happen. I think it was lovely and kind and, like, shows a good gesture to not make him feel bad and to understand that this probably, he probably felt awful and guilty and you were so loving and sweet and kind. And I encourage anyone out there if someone in your family is watching your child and an accident like this happens to do that. I think that's really wonderful because it could really happen to anybody for the most part. obviously there are exceptions when people just do really stupid careless things.

So I'm glad that she did that. But the fact that the next day, he turns around and does the exact opposite because the bandage came off. For something that's so much less of a big deal. He was probably projecting. Like that was him talking to himself or something. Yeah. I would freak out. That's nuts.

I'm just, you better watch your tone. For me, it wouldn't even be. about he could have said that the most cheerful possible. I would say, better at your words. Oh my gosh. That's nuts. That's crazy. Hopefully he hears this and never does anything like that again.

Thank you for writing in. That was the quickest nine I think we've ever had. Yes, one of the higher ones we've had. Okay, let's do one more. I'll read it. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I'm a big fan of the show and love listening during my daily workouts. You truly keep me pushing through the final moments on the stairmaster.

love it. Which brings me to my trigger. Last year, I started taking fitness seriously for the first time in my life. I've never been especially athletic or coordinated, but I found a routine that worked for me and felt genuinely proud of the progress I was making. About three months ago, I was riding in the elevator in my apartment building with my fiancee, wearing a flowy dress. I was leaning casually against the railing when an older woman got on a few floors below us. She immediately looked at me, pointed at my stomach, and said, are you expecting? I was completely mortified.

I stood up straight and awkwardly stammered something like, oh, no, I'm not pregnant. I must just be hunched over weirdly. Then she was mortified and started apologizing profusely. My fiance, meanwhile, was just quietly laughing at the awkwardness for the rest of the four, which felt like 40 floors down to the lobby. It's a long time. What really upset me was that this was by far the thinnest and most in shape I've ever been,

and this was the first time in my life anyone had ever asked if I was pregnant. I felt so embarrassed and self-conscious. Since then, every time I see this woman, at least a once a week, probably, small apartment building, she brings it up again. Even if we're in an elevator with other people, she'll say things like, oh my gosh, I'm still so sorry. I really thought you were pregnant that one time. That dress totally just tricked me because it was so wide.

I always politely say it's fine and try to move on or ignore her. Every time I see her, though, I feel. on edge. I've worked so hard to feel confident in my body, yet every time I see her, I feel instantly triggered like she's evaluating my stomach all over again. When I complain to my fiance about this, he laughs and tells me she just feels bad and is trying her best and that I shouldn't take it so seriously. Now I find myself triggered by him too because it feels like he doesn't understand why this still affects me. It bothers me that he thinks this is funny. And to me, it really is not. Am I being unreasonable for still feeling triggered by both this woman and by my

fiance's reaction? Sincerely abumbed about a baby bump batch. Maybe she should just skip the stairmaster and take the stairs. That sounds like a great long term solution. And avoid this person forever. It is really annoying that she keeps bringing it up. Like just let it go. It was awkward. Stop talking about it. Or even if she brought it up like once after I could see that. Like sometimes like I've, I've had a situation where like, forget to lock the bathroom door and someone walks in that you like see or work with. Right. And then I'm kind of like, they immediately close the door. And then like when you see them, I'm kind of like, I feel like the need to like re-bring it up or something. Sorry, that was awkward. So that like they know that like I'm cool that I don't, right. I'm not bad or something or whatever or the other way.

Yeah. Yeah. One more time I think is okay. Every time. is like a little insane. And I think what's really bothering her is that like it made her uncomfortable. She felt really good about herself, which continue to feel good about yourself. I think anyone can have a moment where a dress flows in a way. There's certain like I never got like a baby doll dress. Like I think those dresses are just like those always make everyone look pregnant where it's like the waist is up here. Yeah.

Waste is high. and then it comes out, like, you could be 70 pounds and that dress is going to make you look like you have it. So insane for anyone to ever comment that about unless literally like the bait, they see the baby coming out of the person. Totally agree. I don't know why anyone would ever do that. I'm sure it didn't.

It was just something about the dress and she was just trying to be sweet and make conversation. But of course, totally inappropriate. But I would try to detach it from anything to do. you felt great about your body before that comment. And I hope you can get back there. But I think what's bugging her is that she keeps bringing it up and it keeps reminding her of like, well, maybe I shouldn't feel so good about myself anymore.

And her partner isn't understanding why this is still so annoying and like finds it funny, which I think that just that piece is annoying. Like when something, there's nothing more annoying, I think, than when you're annoyed at something and other people are laughing, like that picture of you from when you were four. When I'm really upset and you're taking a picture of me? Yes. Yeah. I just thought it was so cute. Like, you were just so cute and crying.

And, like, you were four and I was probably 14. And, like, I just thought you were so, like, cute when you were hysterical for whatever reason. and it was just making you even more mad and I thought it was even more cute. Yeah, because it's like you're not being taken seriously. Yes. Now I'm getting annoyed at you. Yes. It was really rude.

Yes, I wish we could show everybody that picture. It's just so cute. If I can find it, I'll post it on my Instagram. Yeah, it is so cute. But yeah, I think she feels like that. Like I would, you know, like I didn't feel good about my body. Then I did. Then this woman felt like she kind of ruined it for me, which I, you know,

I hope you can. kind of not let her do that. And now she keeps bringing me back to that place and you keep laughing and you're not taking me seriously when I say that this person is annoying me. Yeah, I feel like with him, like if he was taking it so seriously, I would almost be more concerned. Like the fact that he's like laughing it off means to him like the concept of you looking like you're pregnant is ridiculous. And that's, and that's why it's so I assume that if it was like a really serious thing, he would be upset on your behalf. Yes. If he was like, how dare you? He was like, how dare you? she say that. Like, I can't believe she said that to you. Like, there was an insecurity on his end. So to me,

like the laughing about it, it would be like weirder for me if he was like getting all riled up as well. If you want to feel better, I agree. I would look at it that way. Like he's so not offended by it because he knows you look great and doesn't think it's like so absurd to him that she thought that. So I would take that as like, this comment was so ridiculous. But I would also just be like, can you? you please just like stop laughing when she says that? Right. Or like fine laugh, but also like validate me first. Like I'm sorry. Like wow. Like she's really like just be like that's really crazy that she keeps like say, keep saying it again and again like that's insane. Like if he wants to do that and then laugh because

it that because it is absurd that she keeps mentioning it. I think that's fine. Yeah. I get it. It's the not being validated is triggering. But yeah, I think what maybe what he's laughing at is how crazy it is that she's still talking. Like, it's just at that point, it's like she's a crazy person. That is kind of funny. I mean, right, not that you're upset that she's still talking about it, but that she's still talking about it. It really is like almost like a, like a crazy person in the elevator. I would give it, I'd give it the initial comment. That's like an insulting comment. I'd give it like a six. And then I'd give the husband's not taking it seriously like a three to a.

I agree with that. Just don't ask people if they're pregnant. Like I saw this, you know, sometimes now that I'm like beyond pregnancy, like it's not going to happen for me anymore, especially after my last potential shot with you. And I'm sorry. It's okay. So yeah. If you want, I could tell you look pregnant. That would help. Not really. But like sometimes I'll see pregnant women and they're like So like I know it's like 99.9% pregnant. And I just want to be like you look so beautiful. Like enjoy every minute like you're gorgeous. I like I just want to shower them with all the love and just compliments. But I don't say a word. And they're like nine and a half months pregnant like about to have a baby. And I don't say anything. Like I don't understand. I don't either unless someone is like, if they're doing the thing where they're like touching their stomach in a way that pregnant women do, do you know what I mean?

Like holding it. Yes. Most people don't like just touch their stomach unless for any other reason, really, unless. So if they do that, I might. But it's usually like high risk, low reward. Totally. It's what Mike would always say for all those scenarios. So obvious and I still won't say anything where I'm like, this woman is if you're not, if, oh,

I don't get it. Just don't. Right. I'm sure that wasn't the scenario for this woman, though. No. Not either. Obviously, she wasn't pregnant. She was looking great and just came off the stairmaster.

I mean, come on. All right. That's our time. Great work today.