Oversharing - Do I Need To Stop Checking His Phone?

Episode Date: April 11, 2023

T-Swift Update: Dr. Naomi’s Taylor Swift tickets were in fact NOT fake, but that didn’t stop security from removing her family from the spot they reserved. Jordana talks about the pros and cons of preparing for the worst outcome, and why it can affect your overall satisfaction. Then they respond to an emailer whose boyfriend lost her trust after a case of infidelity, and now his mom is getting involved. Is this rooted in her decision to check his phone, or a deeper issue in the relationship? The Betchicist question comes from a listener who is dating someone with kids, and wants to know how to broach the subject of actually meeting the kids for the first time. This week’s intentions session features a voicemail from a listener who is proactively preparing for motherhood while also single and dating. How do you stop fixating on the timeline you’ve set for motherhood? Finally, the triggered submissions include unwanted pregnancy comments and a tricky family dynamic. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. What is up?

How was your weekend? Weekend was great. Our Taylor Swift tickets were legit. I was going to ask. They were not a scam. They were not a scam. We were in. The seats were, you know, they were first come, first serve.

So it was actually great and then terrible. So we got there and they had like these amazing seats like these, it's like balcony area. Not the floor, but the level right above the floor. But you only there's like one row of people. could go across that balcony area that could actually see the stage. Anyone behind that was just like, especially because I had two little kids standing and like looking at someone's back. So we didn't get one of those, but there was this upper balcony level.

And like on the edge of the balcony, like on one of the side rails, if you just lean over like two inches to your left, you got a great view of the stage. And we were like able to lean up against the railing. It was perfect. It was great. Amazing. That's like the best. Four songs in. As we're like jamming out, watching Taylor Swift.

Who ruined it? The security guard comes over and he's like, you guys can't stand here. This is like a no standing area. And we had gotten there like two and a half hours early. We were saving those seats with our lives. Like we were taking turns going into the bathroom. We were not leaving those spots. And I was so annoyed because I was like, if we weren't allowed to stand here, you should have taken. told us this two and a half hours ago when we had find better seats yeah exactly so by the time he told us to leave it was packed there was nothing left so it was kind of a somewhat downhill from there but we you know we were in there first four songs yeah that's a solid what 20 minutes yeah no it was it was actually so what happened the long version of the story is the guy comes over four songs in

and the woman in front of me who had also been standing with us saving her spot for two and a half hours started fighting with him. And I was kind of like, okay, great. That's great. Yeah, that's the best. Let her handle it. So she's like fighting with this guy and he's basically threatening to call the police. And she's like, what are you going to do? Like bring the police in here and start arresting people in the middle of the concert. I'm like overhearing this whole thing, staying totally out of it. So finally, the guy goes away. And I go, I'm like, what did you say? So she tells me the whole thing. I'm like, you're awesome. Thank you. Like, you know, you're the best. Then he came back. Yes. About, but we got there for a long time. So about 45 minutes later, he comes back with like

three other security guards. Okay. I mean, at that point, the concert's almost over. Yeah. So it was like, it was probably like halfway through. And then, okay. Yeah. That's great. Yeah. Although, was it, did the anxiety of it sort of take away from the fun or not really? Not not really because I was, you know, I was kind of like, all right, there's no. there's nobody here. If they come back, you know, we'll leave. It wasn't bad. I mean, there was a little bit of anxiety after we had to leave,

like trying to find another spot to stand. But it wasn't bad. We ended up not staying the whole time because the girls got tired. By the end, there was no place to sit. They couldn't really see. So we left early and we beat the rush out of the stadium. So that was good too. And all in all,

how was she? She was awesome. The whole display was pretty great. Although I was joking that even from our seats that were pretty good, she looked like one of the pegs that you put in your car when you're playing the game of life. Right. It was like this tiny little head with this, you know, you couldn't even really tell. You know, and she had all the dancers. I'm like, wait, which one's Taylor?

Which one's backup dancers? So even with our pretty good seats, we were still, it was an enormous venue. So it was still. But she played all the heads. The kids had fun. It was a blast. That's cool. And it's cool that they're going to be able to say that they were there.

I feel like this is sort of like a historic tour. Totally. Just generally, I feel like it'll be, you know, one of those like, oh, where did you see like the Rolling Stones or something? Totally. Totally. Totally. For sure. And it was, I mean, just the vibe in there was great.

Like the outfits everyone was wearing, like everyone was wearing, you know, a different outfit from a different era. It was like the era's tour. So some people, you know, it was just, it was a really cool, fun people watching. while we were sitting there for two and a half hours, just watching all the outfits that everyone was wearing. It was fun. That's so fun. It's so nice to have someone like that woman,

like in your family to. You know how there's always, like for me and in my relationship, I'm like the planner. So I always think like it must be so nice to have, to be Mike and to just like go on these great trips and just show up. Yes. It's all done.

But neither of us are particularly confrontational. So I'm always, I'm always kind of like hoping that. like what happens with you is sort of the ideal situation like you get to be with the easygoing person and you're like the chill one and the other person has to be the bad guy and I'm sure parents probably go through that too with like who's the disciplinarian or who's the one who is like the enforcer of these things for sure but it's nice yeah like you want to be around the person who's not fighting with everyone but it's very useful to have that person yeah she bought us another 45

If we would have just left when he first came over, she bought us another 45 minutes in that really good in that really good spot. Maddie was, Maddie loved it. She was like, I love that woman. She was really into it. She appreciated exactly what you're saying, yes, for sure. That's great. Well, I guess that's a psychological lesson in finding an aggressive confrontational person to be with. Totally. Who's actually not in your family and does. doesn't take that stance against you ever, but... Exactly. Right. Purely helpful. I think Jared has a joke about this,

either like in his stand-up or on the show where he's like, he was talking about like he's like a very high level Delta member. And there's like a line to get into the lounge, the Delta lounge. And then he sees like this. And so everyone's like waiting, but he has like the highest status. So he's very annoyed. And then he sees like this.

older Jewish woman come up and she starts fighting with the person about how like the higher members should get in. He's like, thank God. Right. And he's like grabbing onto the back of her shirt. Like, I'm coming with you. Exactly. That's awesome. So funny. It is great. But we've got a great outline, great show today. And we have a voicemail. And if you want to leave a voicemail, you can leave one at 646363-6294. Should we get into today's show? Again, I'm so happy that you weren't skimmed. And I feel like, very cynical. As soon as we got off the recording last week, I was obsessively like looking all over the internet and checking my tickets to make sure they were real. So I really was not confident until he scanned and I heard the beep and I was like, all right, we're in. Well, I'm so happy that it worked out for you.

I feel like the only times those things don't work out or when you don't even think about the fact that it possibly could be a scam. Right. Totally. And then you're completely blindsided. Do you feel like that like sometimes it feels like having the anxiety over the worst case scenario can almost prevent it from happening well that's like that superstitious thinking opposite of the secret right exactly it's true i i i think a lot of people do that all the time all the time like you know oh this you know whatever like i dating is not going to text me like he's just never or like it's not going to work out and sometimes you feel like oh like you're cynical and bitter, but then you're like, I does feel more pleasantly surprising when it does happen.

Well, yeah, and you know what else it is? It's sort of a win-win. It's like either I'm right that this thing, like either I'm like a, you know, a profit and I predicted this and I'm right and I know or the good thing happens. So it kind of like hedges your bet a little bit. Right. I wonder if, I mean, I'm sure obviously it has no real scientific effect on whether or not it happens or not. But it can almost feel like if you've counted for the worst case, then somehow maybe it's only likely to get better from there. And I think we discussed this last week when we're talking about writing down your fears. Yep. It sort of seems like sort of an iteration of that. Like what is the worst thing that could happen here? And for you with these tickets,

let's say it was they're a scam. We get the whole family ready. We go to the thing. We invite our friend. And it doesn't scan. Like, Anything better than that? Yes. It's pretty good. And in my mind, I did sort of have like a mentality of like, okay, if this doesn't work out, so we took a little ride, we'll go get some food, you know, we're in a new place. So yeah, I kind of had myself slightly prepared, but all as well, that ends well.

But it's weird, though. I mean, just to, I guess because it does feel relevant to the show. Like, I always like, should you be like super positive or should you go that route? It does feel like they're sort of opposites, you know, like is the mentality like everything's going to be great. This is going to be fun. Like it's going to be an amazing time. Or go.

It's a negative root. It's kind of because I think we've also talked about how like you shouldn't suffer now for something that might not happen. Right. So I guess the two feel like opposing in terms of how your mindset should be. And when you have anxiety about something, or at least for myself, I always like, toggle between the two. And I'm kind of like, I don't really know which way I should be thinking.

I agree that thinking like, oh my God, this is only going to be amazing. I'm not even going to allow the thought into my head that anything bad might ever happen. Right. Probably isn't the best scenario. I think that's great. It's sort of like a middle line. And I would always say this about dating. It's like, you don't want to be the person who's like, you go on one day and you're like,

he's perfect. We're going to get married. It's going to be incredible. because that person, it's like, you don't want to be super naive, but you also don't want to be like, and he's not, you know, he's probably not even going to text me, like, who even, you don't want to be like super cynical. Right. The right line is sort of what you're saying. Sort of like, realistically, cautiously optimistic with a knowledge that you'll be okay no matter what the outcome. Totally. And that's what, I mean,

sort of like with dating stuff, I always, you know, I help people find that mantra of like, I was okay three days before I met him and I will be okay if this doesn't work out. So like you're acknowledging that it might not work out, but you're also, you know, not allowing yourself to fall into a hole of devastation in that case. Right. I like that. Before we get into our first email, we wanted to announce something exciting that we have coming up. We're going to release some bonus content soon that are meditations led by Dr.

Naomi that I will in some way be a part of. And you guys have asked for it. I've seen so many emails asking for meditations. We're not going to release it as part of our normal content, but it will be bonus content. But what we wanted to do with these meditations was have them really applicable to something specific in your lives. So whether that's, you know, you're about to go on a date or you're about to give a big presentation at work or some other moment that you feel is kind of like pivotal in your life or you're about to go into labor. It could be anything. But we wanted to see what you guys wanted us to start with. We're going to have a bunch of these. But to start, we would love your feedback. So please email oversharing at betches.com with the topic of your choice.

And we're going to try to pick what we're seeing the most frequently to start with. You can make the subject oversharing meditation and just write the kind of topic or the situation that you would love a meditation for. So let's get into our episode. I'll read the first. overshare. Hi, Trudan and Dr. Naomi. I'm a recent listener of the podcast after hearing Jared's parade's on you up with benefits. I decided to add oversharing to my podcast roster and never look back. I've been dating my boyfriend for three years and I've always gotten along amazingly with his family. I'm even the maid of honor in his sister's upcoming wedding. My boyfriend's mom has always made little comments like bringing up his ex, comments about girls, finding him handsome,

and so on. I've never given it much thought until now. That's impressive. there has been some infidelity issues in my relationship my boyfriend's doing and I've tried working past them saw a therapist read a lot of books and set healthy slash reasonable boundaries recently on the eve of my 31st birthday I found inappropriate text on my boyfriend's phone with a co-worker her saying how her and the other co-workers found him hot a f and want to plan a work happy hour and he didn't shut it down at all I decided how do you shut down someone saying you're attractive. I have a girlfriend. Maybe she can come. I'll make sure to tell so and so. I guess. Just something in there that's like I'm not available. But okay, go ahead.

I decided I needed to take a, I like how she was also saying, I'm working on health, setting healthy and reasonable boundaries. So I was looking through his phones the night before. I was thinking the same thing. Right. I just, I decided I needed to take a step back and assess if this relationship is. the right one for me and if I can forgive this and so on. I told him I was going to spend the weekend at my sisters to give us both time and space to think. He ran to his mom and told her whatever version of the story. None of his family reached out to wish me a happy birthday and I expressed it hurt my feelings, thinking we were closer and was told I'm being dramatic and I left so I shouldn't have expected birthday wishes, fine. But then I saw text from his mom basically gaslighting me, saying that when she texted me, my answer was too dry, telling him not to quote unquote kiss my

ass or don't give in to her crazy ways. She left. How are you supposed to trust her in the future? When I left because of his infidelity again, I don't know how to approach this. My relationship with her seems fractured. And when I try approaching my boyfriend about it, he gets very defensive as if I'm bashing his mom. I was hoping for some help, guidance, and outside opinions. Sorry for the long email. Thank you for the weekly mini self-help slash therapy sessions. Sincerely, the unhappy birthday girl. Okay. All right. A lot of thoughts on this one. Yeah, go for it. I want to hear what you think. I just think it's interesting to me that she's focusing on this relationship with his mom

when there's like extreme, whatever was worse than a red flag, like issues. It seems to be coming from her actual relationship. Like that seems to be the real problem here. And it almost seems like the mom's stuff is just like extra random stuff on top that's annoying. But to me it seems like if you're constantly going through your boyfriend's phone and it seems like the bulk of this email is her going. going through the phone to find the text about with the other girls and then her going through the phone again to find his private conversation with his mom. It's like that in itself is a really big problem. The fact that she feels the need to and the fact that she does it are two things that are

I would say not looking good for the relationship overall. And the mom's stuff like obviously it's very annoying to hear someone talking shit about you to someone else. But also it's also a private conversation at all. Yes. Yes, I agree with all that. I think the hard part is she said like you were, you know, kind of laughing in the beginning that she says that she doesn't really think about it, but she's also going through his phone, like you said, all the time. So obviously, whatever trust he broke before this most recent text conversation is still lingering and she obviously doesn't trust him. And he's defensive. So that's another red flag. He's not open to talking about this.

But the problem is it sounds like she's so deep, she's the maid of honor in his sister's wedding. So like a breakup is going to be a whole big thing. They've been going out for three years. I could see why she's kind of in this position where she's stuck

sort of eating shit, it sounds like. And maybe him too. Sounds like he's eating shit because she keeps going through his phone and he keeps doing sketchy things on his phone. I mean, this conversation with his mom isn't, that's his private conversation with his mom. That's not anything that he's done wrong. She probably shouldn't have been privy to that. But they're deep in this and they're not married and it probably feels hard to

come out of it at this point. But there's, I agree, huge amount of red flags. I think they just need to rip the bandaid off and have the conversation that they've probably been avoiding for, I don't know how long, two years, however long. Which is about trust and whether or not, because it doesn't sound like she trusts him at all. That's like, to me, the first primary. And maybe

she shouldn't. I don't know him. I don't know what the past thing that he did is I think this thing with the co-workers is an upsetting conversation to read, but I would call it infidelity at face value. But again, like, is it how

you, in your ideal world, would you want your boyfriend who had, I don't know if he cheated on her in the past or what he did again. But to have those conversations, definitely not. Did he think it was a big deal? Not knowing she was going to read it. Maybe not. I don't know. But again, I think the bigger, the bigger, more blatant issue is that she doesn't trust him.

And you can't really have a successful relationship if you don't trust someone. Right. Yeah. And I agree that this, the thing. with the mother is more of like a symptom of this bigger picture issue. You know, and maybe the mother's, you know, sniffing out that there's something up in their relationship and he's not being like so wholly devoted and faithful to her. And, you know, her consistently going through his phone maybe makes him, you know, not as,

you know, might be a vicious cycle. You know, she doesn't trust him. So he's, you know, feels like he's trapped in this relationship. where she's going through his stuff, that doesn't give you the warm and fuzzies, and he might not be, you know, into that for the rest of his life. So, yeah, they need to have that conversation backing up to trust. And, you know, the mother is, could potentially be a non-issue if she feels secure with him and if he has her back.

And that was the other piece. Like, I think he's getting defensive of his mom and not necessarily having her back. And that's probably another symptom of the. rift between the two of them. Yeah. And I mean, if he's going, to me, it's also like, if he knows his, clearly he knows his mom doesn't like her. She makes the comments.

If she speaks like that about, if he goes to her with a fight and she's talking about her like that, he clearly knows that like, this is who he's going to talk to to get someone to agree with him. Yes. And he doesn't like him. And I think that's also sort of another thing. I think if you want your relationship to work, you're probably bringing your issues to someone who has a little bit more.

of a nuanced view of things. Like I talk about this with friendships a lot. Like there are certain friends I go to when I want to be like yes. Yes. And there's certain people where I want it kind of like straight. And it sounds like he's not trying to protect the relationship. He's going to the person he knows who's going to like validate him. Right.

And 100%. And I think that, you know, she must be leaning towards maybe you should see what else is out there or something along those lines. it certainly doesn't seem like the mother is protective of the relationship. But I could also see, yes, she shouldn't be going through his phone, but it's not so much as hurtful that the mother said these things, but more hurtful that her boyfriend is like not defending her or allowing this or he's just like sitting back while the mother's basically shit talking her, which that part feels probably pretty bad too. So, I don't know. I think that I hate to say this, and I'm never going to make a prediction about a relationship, but I think if they don't start having some real talk and going, as you say, like through it rather than around it,

I don't see how this is going to work long term. They need to address all this. And she needs to stop going through his phone. And if she can't be with him without going through his phone, then like she can't be with him. Yeah. And she can't trust him. And sometimes you just can never trust someone again. And that's something that happens.

And I do think like it's kind of, maybe people don't realize this, but one of the benefits of being in a long-term, healthy relationship is that you don't really have to have that anxiety and think about that stuff that often because you feel like you know and trust the person so much that like that's what makes a long-term relationship sometimes boring, but most of the time, just like calming and like. Right. Safe. Yeah.

Consistent and stable. and safe. Yes. And it doesn't sound like she's getting those feelings from this relationship. Totally. It's almost like the worst of both worlds. It's a good point. When you're in a long-term relationship where you don't trust the person, it's kind of like

torture because you're in this relationship. You're not able to go out there and be finding somebody else. You're doing all the annoying compromise things that you have to do in a relationship, but you're not getting the safety and security. that's one of the most amazing benefits of being in a long-term relationship. So I could see why this is twisting her up. I don't think this is going, this is going to be like a slow, painful torture if you continue in this without.

And he has to be able to have this conversation without getting defensive. And it's not about his mother, really. It's about him and you and the fact that you can't trust him. So if he's getting defensive about his mother, you could say, okay, take your mother out of the equation, you know. Right. this is me and you. I have trouble trusting you. I wish you would have said this when this, you know, co-worker texted you that would have probably felt more protective over our relationship.

And he probably wants to say to her, you have to stop going to my phone because it's making me irritable and distant or whatever is going on for him. Right. Well, it becomes like a vicious cycle in this way where it's like the person who was cheated on or the person who doesn't trust, looks through the phone. The other person gets annoyed. And then it's probably more likely to do the thing that the other person doesn't want them to do because they feel like they're being watched. And then it causes them to rebel. And then like the other person then wants to look even more and, you know, fine. So it just, I don't know.

It's hard because it's like in her mind, she's probably like, I need to look through the phone because you did this. And that's what soothes me. Right. Yep. And it's like, you know, and I do say it's, you know, when she recounts, I've tried. you know, working past them, saw a therapist, read a lot of books, set healthy boundaries. She's doing a lot of work to convince herself that it's okay to stay in this relationship, a lot of work. And maybe it's not. You know, maybe it's just too much damage has been done

and she's not able to move past it because it's not like she's tried. She's tried to, you know, reading and therapy and sounds like she's doing all this work independently of him to make the relationship work. And I don't think it's working. I think you need to involve him in your process of regaining trust. Yes. And in case this wasn't obvious, going through someone's phone is not a healthy boundary. I do feel like sometimes after, and I've heard this before from other people, especially,

we had someone from Banderpump Rules on a different podcast. And he was like, had cheated on his girlfriend. He's like, yeah, so now are rules that she can go through all of my DMs. I'm like, I don't know if that. I feel like that's like the very superficial pin on the infidate. Like that seems like a non-in-depth solution to a cheating issue. Right, right. Although I will say as a couples therapist, I will often in the weeks and couple of months

after an affair or something like that, if it's a couple that wants to stay together, I will say you need to be an open book for these, not forever, but for a period. of time. You need to sort of establish these, this new, it's like a new relationship where everything's sort of out in the open, not just your DMs. So that's what you're saying. Like the DMs or whatever, your text messages or your phone is like the surface level of honesty. You're doing that level of honesty, but you're also doing the honesty of I'm having doubts about this relationship or I don't like it when you do this thing or I'm feeling unsatisfied in these ways or you're doing the deeper work of honesty and communication.

But I do think it's helpful just to get that the injured partner back to a place where they can function after something like that to give them some of that access temporarily. That's interesting. Okay. Yeah. And it's never a long-term solution. But I think it's a solution just to, because people come in after an affair. especially when it's, you know, you're married with kids or that type of thing where it's like,

okay, we really do want to make this work. But the person who's been hurt is like so devastated that it's almost hard to even let that other person go out into the world. So it's helpful sometimes just to get back to a baseline level of trust where you say, okay, you know, I'm, I get to look at your phone for a little bit until we regain. that trust back and then you can wean off of that ultimately. Yeah, I could see how that would work as a temporary solution, again, when accompanied by like, A, feelings transparency. Right. Why did this happen?

Right. Yeah. Okay. Well, good luck with this. Good luck with that. Love an update. Either way, I think you're going to either heal the relationship on a deeper level or you're going to move on to something that doesn't feel so.

unsafe. So I think either way, the fact that you're writing in and beginning to address this is great. And if you move, if you keep doing what you're doing, you're going to keep feeling how you're feeling. So if you make a move one way or the other, it's only going to get better. Great. I want to read our be our begesis? Yeah, let's do the benchesis. Hi, Jay and Dr. Naomi. I'm a 33-year-old female first responder with an atrocious dating history. After not judging herself, but after a. Rough breakup in 2019-20, I spent 21 and 22 working entirely on myself, listening to tons of dating pods, going to therapy, and really prioritizing myself. In 2022, I jokingly started saying,

I'm holding out for a divorced daddy because I knew I wanted to be with someone older and I don't want kids of my own. The idea of a divorced dad seemed like the perfect man for me. Fast forward to the end of 22. After re-downloading Tinder for the 174th time, I matched with a 42-year-old. You guessed it, divorced dad, with a 13 and 10-year-old. We instantly headed off with tons in common and a similar style of banter. We met around Christmas and have been inseparable ever since. He initiated the DTR talk at the end of January, and the relationship has been absolutely wonderful. We exchanged I love you's one month in, and I really felt it in my heart. This is the type of relationship I didn't think was attainable. Now for my question. He has his kids for one week at a time exchanging on Fridays

with his ex. He hasn't told his kids that he's dating, but his ex knows. When he has his kids, we're lucky to see each other one night if he can sneak out for an early dinner and tells his kids he's going out to, quote, insert lie. I recognize that it's too soon to be in their lives and I'm not in a rush to do that, but I'm struggling with the kid weeks where I don't get to see him. Everyone in my life knows about him and is so happy for me. I truly feel like he has become a huge part of my world. I can't help but feel like I'm compartmentalized in his life and it really brings my mood down on those kid weeks.

With the way my work schedule is, there are kid weeks where I'm off either the entire weekend or four days during the week. I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to navigate dating someone who has kids and how to approach a conversation where I want to tell him how I feel without pressuring him to introduce me. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I love the pot and the advice you guys give. Not a girl, not yet a stepmom.

Okay. I like this question. Yeah, this is great. I think it's kind, I feel like for these kinds of situation, sounds like they've been dating since, what, November-ish? So they spent Christmas together.

Okay, all right, yeah. So I would say, I think what's something that would probably be helpful for her is when having this conference, with him to think about like what she wants to get out of it. Right. Meeting the kids. Is that what?

Yeah. Is that what she wants from it? And if so, like I feel like this idea of being in like prolonged purgatory is probably the most upsetting thing. Like she doesn't know when she's going to be able to meet them if then or when things are going to change. But I think if if the conversation is more like at what point in a relationship would you feel comfortable introducing someone to your kids, that's going to give her a little bit more of

a sense of like an end in sight. Yeah, exactly. Right. Yeah, that makes that makes sense. I do think that it's probably like, is this going to go on forever? And maybe she doesn't really trust that it's going to ever happen. You know, it's a huge, it would be a huge deal. I don't blame him for not wanting to do it yet. I think that you really need to be tender with these things when it comes with, if you're going to do it right when it comes with for you know introducing kids to a new dating partner after they're they've gone through a divorce because if you don't do it right it ends up making it worse like they'll just maybe not like her not be ready they'll reject her that's going to cause a lot of stress in their relationship so I wouldn't rush the process but I totally agree that I think a conversation about it

and her saying like do you have an idea of when you think you'd be ready or when you think actually the kids would be ready to just give her like there's a light at the end of the tunnel and it's not going to be this is how our relationship is forever. It's almost like, you know, women that date a married man and they're like, yeah, I'm going to leave my wife. I'm going to leave my wife. I'm going to leave my wife. And then 10 years later, they're like, yeah, yeah, I'm going to talk to her tomorrow. And like, you keep thinking that they're going to have, you know, and then you're just the other woman for the rest of your life. So yeah, I think that probably, I agree with you. I think she can approach the conversation by saying, look, this is how I feel. I miss you when we're not together. I really am excited for when we can start to, you know, really join our lives. But I totally understand you have to wait for your kids to be ready. I just want to keep an open dialogue about it. And I don't want it to be like the elephant in the room in our relationship. And maybe she can get him to give her a ballpark of when he thinks that might happen, even if it's a year from now.

you'll at least know. And then the other piece is like, okay, so how do you tolerate that time when you can't be together, which is hard. Yeah. I mean, I think it's a few different things because I also do think that if you're dating someone who has kids, that's a major part of their life. It's not like not having met someone's like mother or sibling or something like that. That's like a major part of who they are and it takes up and he's with them for an entire week

every other week. So half of his time is spent doing this thing. And I do think there's, like, let's say she went up to him and she said, like, she said, when do you think this timeline is? And he's like, well, I'd want to be engaged to someone. I'm just hypothetically throwing that out there. I'd want to be like getting married to them before that. Well, if I were her, I'd be like, well, I'd like to see you how you are as a parent.

Like, that's a major part of getting to know someone is to see how you. are around your kids is to see how you interact with them. Like it's obviously important for them to see and accept me. But I also want to see this entire part of your life that if we're going to get closer needs to kind of happen. Do you feel like when you, I don't know if you have any people dealing with like integrating partners into their kids' lives. Do you feel like there is a psychologically healthy point in which to do that? Or like what is your what is your psychological feeling about that? Yeah. I mean, I really think that it is something, I mean, if I had to put a timeline on it, I would say maybe like, you know, once you're really sure about the relationship.

So I don't think you can be that sure until it's like maybe nine months in or a year in or a time when you feel like, okay, this person's really going to be. I'm pretty sure this person's going to be around and not just riding this wave of excitement of like, oh my God, but I, you know, we have so much fun together. and I'm so excited and my kids are going to be happy for me and they're going to be so excited. It's like you're under the spell of the honeymoon phase and you don't want to drag your kids into that. Like you want to make sure that you're kind of beyond, like they said, they said, I love you a month in. They've been inseparable. So I think they're like in this honeymoon phase piece of the relationship. So I would recommend waiting until that.

I'm not saying you have to wait until it's, you know, you're past that. But I think you have to wait exactly to the point you're saying. That's the hard part about this is you want to see the person in their everyday life. And you have to make a decision about the long-term potential of this relationship without seeing the person in half of their life, which is a big deal. So that's why this situation is so sticky. But I could see him wanting to wait until he feels like there's a pretty good chance that this person is going to be in my life forever.

And that being said, it might not work out. And your kids are going to have to deal with that too. But I think it's the idea is to prevent different people from constantly like coming in and out of your life because then they're not going to, you know, attach and respect and lean into any of these people if they think they're just coming and going. And you're never going to be able to foster like a really good stepmom type attachment if you're not being cautious about who. you're bringing in. And just because you're excited about it in the first three months, I certainly don't think three months. Three months is like you're probably still riding on like hormones and all that, you know, dopamine rush and all that stuff. I don't think that's enough time to see if it has legs. Yeah. And I think it is kind of nice that he is, does seem like a parent who does care about that.

Totally. And I think that's a positive sign for him. But yeah, I mean, who knows. knows. It's like you wouldn't want to get too far in with someone and then discover that they eat their kid's school snacks at late at night and then they have nothing left. So it is, yeah, you're running out, repacking lunches. Totally. That's really funny. It's true. And I think that's a great point that it would probably be more of a red flag if he was like bringing her in for sleepovers after the first three weeks and just like not caring about how it was going to affect his kids. So I do think it's a good sign that he's being very.

conscientious about how he's introducing you. And hopefully a conversation will help you get through the next several months or however long it is until the two of you decide to, or he decides to do this. And in the meantime, just realizing like, when you're in those times apart, that's your time to do your own thing. Because once you get in there with two kids, you're probably going to be in there, right? You're going to be helping with carpools and you're going to be, you know, running out and getting the snacks and doing all the things. So I would just enjoy this time period where you have a week with him. You have a week where you can miss him and kind of long for him and keep the spark alive in that way and then come back. Yeah. That's kind of fun. Yeah. It's like what you said

when you went on your girl's trip and you know, you were like, Mike was like, yeah, I was busy or whatever. Wait, wait, wait, what do you mean? Keeps it exciting. Yeah. Yeah. No, I think there's something to that. And like you said, if she really does want to do this stepmom life, she's going to be like in the role of caretaker. And that's a great point that she should sort of, if she really truly sees herself being with this person long term, she should maybe like really try to enjoy this time to herself for as long as she can. Because I'm sure, even if you're not the real mom, being a stepmom does involve a lot of similar responsibilities as being mom, especially when you have the kids. Right. Yeah. And I think she might feel better with the conversation if he's just like, look, I really do see a future with you.

I think about it all the time. If he could say things to her that make her feel that he's not not introducing her because he doesn't see it going somewhere, but that it's just, you know, he doesn't think his kids are ready. And that maybe might make her just feel secure and not, you know, a little bit less, you know, rejected by him not including her. Yes. And, and, And then she'll also know when he does introduce her that like it means a lot. It's like basically like a proposal. Basically. Yeah.

So that'll be that'll be nice. Yeah. That's that's going to be a big deal versus like we said the opposite where if he's bringing her in and having her sleep over two weeks in it like means nothing. Right. That's true. All right. Well, good luck.

Let us know how that one goes. Good luck. Good question. Thank you for asking. I'm sure there are other people out there that are going to do this. All right. Well, let's do some intentions. This intentions is a voicemail.

If you want to leave us a voicemail, you can call 646-363-66-6294 to leave us a voicemail. If you want to send us an email instead, you can email oversharing at Betches.com. Shall we play the voicemail? Let's do it. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I am calling in because I'm hoping you can help me with an intention. I recently turned 35. I'm single.

I just moved to a new city. And I'm hoping to have a family sooner rather than later. last year I actually had some fertility testing done and unfortunately I found out I have low ovarian reserve for my age. So as much as it pains me to say this very cringy phase, my clock is ticking. So in an ideal world, I would meet my person, get married, have a kid. However, I am open to the idea of doing IUI or IVF and doing the single mom by choice thing. trying to be realistic. I've told myself that I will date intentionally for the next year,

and if there still aren't any prospects by the time I'm 36, then I'll pursue the single mom route. And yes, I do know there are many ways to have a beautiful family, but I do envision pregnancy as part of my journey to motherhood. Now, I created that timeline to give myself, like, some space to enjoy dating over the next year, knowing that I don't really want to make a decision until then. So that's where I'm hoping I can get your guys' advice and an intention. So how can I focus on dating intentionally this year without feeling the pressure of like a looming deadline?

And how can I verbalize the importance of family to my dates without them feeling like there's a bunch of pressure on them? Thanks for all you guys do. Have a great day. That's a good question. Great question. So many people I think are dealing with this type of issue where it's like how to be in the moment of dating while you have a timeline in the back of your mind, how to lean into telling people what you're looking for without feeling like you're going to turn them off by putting too much pressure. So I really like this question. Same here. And I mean,

I was trying to think of like the best way to go about this. I mean, I think she's got, I think she's done an amazing first step, which is like, okay, I think the sense of control gives people less anxiety, or at least it does for me, so I can relate to her in that way where she's like, okay, I have a plan. If I'm going to date for a year, see if I meet someone who's ready to have a family sooner rather than later. And if that doesn't pan out for me, I have this other option that I know I can do. And I'm, I've wrapped my head around the fact that I'm going to do that in a year if things

don't work out. So I think that's a great first step for her because I think it feels soothing to have that in the back of your head. I love it too because it also just gives her permission to let go of her timeline, that constant nagging timeline for the year. You know, like, it's not like, okay, and, you know, in two months from now, she can be like, okay, eight months down and six months down. And, you know, like, I hope she can use this setup that she's created, which I really like, to just say, okay, I'm going to stop ruminating about this timeline. I have the plan, and I'm just going to execute it. So I do like that idea a lot too. And then in terms of like what she should be

telling these dates, sometimes I'm conflicted about this when I hear emails like this kind of thing. But I do kind of feel like if something is a big priority for you and a really important part of how you see your future, it's not weird to bring it up like really early on in dating. because the person, people who are scared off by it are going to be scared off by it when they hear about it six weeks in and you're already more invested. And the people who are not are going to be like into it and excited about it. Right. I totally agree.

I think that matches are made not just by two souls like finding them each other in the universe, but matches are made by two souls that are both ready for commitment finding each other in the universe. You know, so like I always say, if I would have met my husband when he was 24, we would not have worked out. Like, you have to meet someone at a time when you're both ready to do the pros and cons game. You know, there's pros and cons for being in a committed relationship. And you have to find someone that's at the point where for them, there's more pros than cons. and they are also looking for someone who's looking for a commitment.

So the idea that you're looking for a commitment is a turn-on to them, and it makes them excited about you. And I agree, better to find out sooner than later. If you looking for a commitment is a turn-off to them, that's good information for you to have sooner than later. It's funny because sometimes I don't watch The Bachelor anymore, but I used to watch it because it was just such an interesting sort of, you know, psychological experiment where what they do and The Bachelor is like on the first date, on their first dinner, what are you looking for?

Right. Right off the bat. Because they know what happens at the end of the show. Right. So you know what you want to happen at the end of the show. So I think it's reasonable and it doesn't have to be the first date. That's maybe a bit of an exaggeration. But I do think it's great to set that expectation.

And if he's shocked by the idea of a 35-year-old woman. woman that's interested in moving forward and speeding things up and having a kid sooner than later than like he's oblivious. I agree. And all of the men that I speak to who are in their late 30s, early 40s are aware that women want that. And most of them are also looking to move at a much faster pace than if you were to talk, if you were to go on a date with a 26 year old guy. Right. His friends are getting married. His friends are having kids. If he wants that in his future, he's going to be longing for that and want to meet someone who's longing for that too. So, yeah, that being said, I think you can approach that relatively soon.

I have a question for you because you're saying commitment, let them someone know you're looking for commitment. Is it okay to just talk about it in terms of commitment? Or can she be a little bit more straightforward and say, I'm actually looking to have kids within the next few years? Right. Yeah. I think, honestly, I think even if she wanted to say,

what her real truth is. I think she could, you know, you don't want to be like within 10 minutes into the first date and be like, I'm looking to, you know, have kids. But I do think that you could put that out there whenever she feels like she wants to put that out there. Yeah, I think anytime you're talking about your future or your personal future, like what are your, you know, like when I, and there's, I think, natural ways to weave it in. Right.

As you could say, like, yeah, something that really excites me is like the idea of becoming a mom. Yes. And so I'm definitely looking to do that within the next few years. I don't think that's, again, I don't think that sounds crazy at all. And if it does sound crazy to someone, better for you to find that out soon. Yeah, I agree with you because I think if she's her true self, she's going to find someone that wants who she is right now and not who she's, you know, hiding or pretending to be or waiting to, you know, reveal.

Yeah. And I think this is a totally normal, very common. a desire for a lot of people and you're not going to sound crazy or clingy or insane. Like, again, like you were saying at the very beginning of this, a lot of this is about timing and wanting the same things. And I think this would sound very different if you were dating as a 20 year old who had those priorities. It's entirely different contexts.

But as a 35 year old woman saying you would like to have kids in the next few years, to me, for a lot of men, would be very desirable. Right. And I think he's going to be like, okay, and like, do you want some of this bean dip? You know, like, I don't think it's going to be surprising. Like, I think he's going to be expecting that that's going to happen. I don't think it's going to have to be a huge conversation most likely. And I think when you're dating, if a man knows that that's a big priority for you, he's less likely to waste your time. if he's not interested, even if it has nothing to do with the kid part. And I think this is sort of the thing to beware of is a lot of people will say, oh, I shouldn't have said that because he, you know, he didn't ask me on a fourth date.

And I don't think that, I think a lot of the times we falsely attribute it to that kind of thing, when really it's like, okay, he didn't necessarily see this, see you guys as a match by the fourth date. And he knows that you're looking for something very serious. And so he's not trying to waste any more of your time. Whereas if you didn't say that, maybe he would still have. the same feeling, but be like, yeah, we could date for three months and see how it goes. So I think that it's a good thing no matter what. If they're out, it's a good thing. If they're in, it's a good thing. There's really no real negative to telling someone how you truly feel and what you

truly want. I agree. And as far as she has the other question, which was sort of like, how does she just stay mindful and kind of in the moment and enjoy this time dating. And I don't know how helpful she would find it, but it's almost in line with, you know, some of the meditations that I do personally and that I've shared with some of my patients that I find helpful. It's just a mantra of, I'm here. I'm here. Like when you're on the date or when you don't have any dates, you know, let's say you have a lull and there's, you know, you're not matching with anyone. And You know, just kind of reminding yourself like, I'm here. I'm in this life. I've given myself this year. And then the second half of it is when you catch yourself spinning off, thinking about the timeline, worrying about, you know, I'm in a lull.

I don't have any dates right now. And then you, as soon as you notice that your mind has gone to that place and I'm back. And you come back to something in the moment, whether it's the sound of the air condition. or the feel of the sunshine on your face, something present in this moment that can just bring you back to like, I've given myself this year. I don't need to go there. That's why I've given myself this year so that I can catch myself when I start spinning out and I'm back. I'm here. I'm here. And then once you notice your mind's off in a different place and I'm back and you just kind of gently bring yourself back to that. So I think that's a good mantra for. any time you're trying to just be in the moment of anything, whether it's literally in a conscious

meditation or it's just in going through your life when you catch yourself spinning out on something that you've told yourself you're not going to spin out on anymore. And I'm back. I love that. So, and I do have an intention for her in terms of meeting this person that maybe she can remind herself along the lines of everything we just said, which is what is for me will be revealed when I accept and share my true self. So I think the only way that she can be confident that she's on that path, whether she ends up doing it by herself or she ends up doing with a partner, is if she accepts her real self, all the things that she is, I'm sure, I hope she kind of has a good sense of who she is and what she wants. She sounds that way in the

voicemail and sharing that with someone else. And either they want that true self or they don't. that's the only way for her to really find the path that she's meant to be on. That's a great first date mantra, I think, for anyone, not even just this person. So if you're listening, you're going on a first date. Remember that one. Play some games. It's triggered. I could read the first one.

Hey, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I heard the intention recently about the changing body during pregnancy, which I loved and have been trying to incorporate those intentions in my own life. I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant with my first baby. I know a lot of pregnant women deal with rude comments from people, but some have gotten me extremely triggered at work, particularly two from coworkers. Wow, you're only halfway. You're going to be huge.

And another one staring at my belly. How much time do you have left? Holy shit. When another coworker... When insert another coworker's name was pregnant, she was so much smaller than you. Second one was from a male, which somehow made me feel more annoyed.

At 24 weeks, I've only gained 14 pounds, which I don't even think was that much. When I was in college, and for a few years after, I went through some issues with my body, very restrictive eating and exercising and unhealthy amount that I've worked through with my therapist, and I'm in a much healthier place now. But I am not sure if that's why I'm more triggered by these statements than I should be. I just feel like there are nicer ways to say things like, how about you look great? You're glowing instead of watch out wide load coming through, or just don't say anything at all.

So am I being dramatic? How triggered would you be? Thanks for all you do. Big mama betch. I do think anytime someone is making comments about your body shape, even if it's, wow, you look so thin. Like I don't like those comments either. I don't like comments on people's body shapes.

I just don't think it's necessary. And you do such a good job with your kids. I remember we were getting ready for our sister's wedding and our mom just kept making statements about various body parts of various people in the room, just like your breasts look big in this, but look small in this. Look at that. And then Lila, your oldest daughter, she goes, we don't need to be commenting on people's bodies. And I was like, wow, good job.

Yes. Totally. I do teach them that because it's just, even if it's what you think is a, is a compliment. It's just not necessary because it just gets in people's heads. And so yeah, I agree that this is triggering. I do think that her prior body image issues, dysfunctional eating patterns, whatever she had in the past is probably playing into this because I, and I'm not condoning people making comments on your shape. But I do think they're referring to your actual pregnant belly, like the protruding pregnant belly. Like the protruding pregnant belly.

I don't think they're commenting on, you know, your butt or your legs or your face or they're just saying the part where the baby lives is big. And to me, and again, I wouldn't make a comment on someone's body, but that's like so beautiful and adorable. And there's like a, it's almost like looking at a little cute baby, but you just can't quite see it yet. So I'm sure they're commenting on like, you know, the baby bump, not your whole shape. And I think a lot of people, especially if they haven't had kids or especially, and if they're men, don't have any sense of like the anxieties that go into pregnancy and your body and the changing thing of it. And they're kind of like, oh, I'm just making a comment about something that's going on in their life, not really thinking about like the internal effects that will have on you. And maybe they're kind of thinking they're just making conversation or like, again, And they're acknowledging that you're pregnant, which maybe they feel like they're talking about you and trying to create like discussion around you.

So I don't necessarily think it's done with negative intent, although I wouldn't, I would, I do think it's very rude to be comparing pregnant women's bodies if the guy was like, his other coworker was pregnant. She was so much smaller than you. Like any man with any sense of like tact, I think would probably steer away from that kind of conversation. Totally, totally. That one for sure is so triggering. And I've heard women get triggered in the opposite way where someone's like, oh, so-and-so was so much bigger than you at this point. And then you're like, oh, is my baby too small? Is it not growing well? Is there something wrong? Maybe I need to go to the doctor. Like, so you can go either way with just getting in your head and people don't realize it. But yeah, certainly there's so many other ways to acknowledge someone's pregnancy without comparing. them to another pregnant woman's body. It's like, oh gosh, that guy needs, you know, although I should, I should stop doing that, I guess. Whenever I see a visibly pregnant woman

that's like my friend, I'll be like, you look so cute, but like maybe they don't like that either. I don't know. I think that's totally fine. I think you look so cute is totally fine, or if it's like just overtly positive. But I get, I think what you're saying, like, I do think people love the baby bump. It is so cute. It's like just such an adorable shape. I know that now that I'm kind of out of it and I'm not going to be doing it again, I always see pregnant women and I'm like, oh my gosh, you are so, like I almost feel like I'm looking at a baby sometimes. I'm like, you're so cute. Just like a cute like look. But I also know that like that you thinking someone looks cute and a lot of women when I'm simultaneously saying this to them, like they don't feel great. They don't feel cute.

They don't feel cute, so it almost can feel like a reminder. Yeah, a reminder that everyone notices and they might think that they might not believe you and think you're just trying to say something. Maybe they'd rather just not even think about how they look. For some people, that's a reality. So I try to acknowledge that too. Yeah, I do think if you're going to say anything, oh, you look so cute is a great thing to say.

But I would give this high. I would say especially the man's comment. I would give it like an eight. Yeah, I agree. Comparing her to the other pregnant woman because then it's just no matter what she's going to feel bad about it. If she's bigger, she might feel bad. If she's smaller, she might feel bad. So yeah, I would give this an eight.

But again, for this listener, go back to the intentions, the mantras that we set from the other episode. Your body's changing. It's doing exactly what it's supposed to do right now. and it really is beautiful. And if they say you're big, I doubt they're not implying that your, you know, whole body is blowing up.

They're implying that the baby inside is, you know, sticking out and it's probably a super cute look. So I hope you can relax into it. But yeah, I would agree with an eight. Do you want to read the next one? Yeah, sure.

Hey, Dr. Dana and Dr. Naomi, I have a triggered scenario, but would also love any feedback or suggestions on how to handle the situation going forward. I'm a young breast cancer survivor. I was diagnosed at 31 and I'm currently five years cancer-free. I'm lucky enough that my parents have offered and can afford to pay for the medicine needed to keep the cancer from returning.

I usually hit my out-of-pocket max every year. I'm extremely grateful because I would not be able to stay at my current nonprofit job, which I love and feel really passionate about if they weren't doing this for me. I would have to find a job with better health care or stop taking the medication. The triggering part is at the beginning of the year, we receive large bills because my out-of-pocket max has gone back to zero. In the past, my mom has made comments and complaints about how high the bills are. She recently began to complain about them again, including a comment about what I was going to do once her and my dad are gone and not paying

for my medication anymore. I joked back with her that I'll use my inheritance and then tried to leave their house before completely breaking down, which didn't happen. My parents and I tried to talk it out, them saying they're happy to pay it, my health is worth it, and that they would do anything and everything for me. I know all of this, and yet the comments still hurt. Makes me feel like a burden that I'm taking away money that could go to my younger brother in the future, but also can't and don't want to stop taking the medication. I can't keep having this happen every year. Please help. just trying to survive, Betch. Yeah, this is a tough one.

This is, I could, it's very, it's always, I think, very upsetting when you feel like something is given to you, but then you're made to feel guilty about it. Right. Yeah. I agree. I wonder if maybe sometimes what I could see happening, and I don't know, this is a guess, so I could be wrong. Maybe in some way, she's, and I'm not faulting her, but maybe there's a,

dynamic going on where she might not be verbalizing her appreciation enough. So that's what's making them feel like they need to make comments to like kind of make sure that she knows like, hey, we're still paying for this. Which I agree is annoying. And they should just, you know, it's almost like if you have to make it known that you're giving a gift, like you should just give it. Right. Or don't give it if it's about that, I guess.

Totally. Totally. Like you should just be giving it out of the goodness of your. your heart instead of for the, you know, acknowledgement and the accolades of giving it. But the reality of it is that maybe she feels bad, so she doesn't really talk about it because it already makes her kind of feel bad, so she might avoid the topic.

And so then they potentially feel like, well, she's not mentioning it. She maybe totally forgot about the fact that we're still paying for this. And so they feel the need to keep bringing it up. Possibly. I could be wrong on that. But one thing that might help is if she proactively jumps in every now and then and just says, I just want you to know, I really appreciate this. You know, I haven't forgotten that you're doing this for me. And I just want to let you know how much I appreciate it. Or, you know, giving them some gesture or token of affection or something where they can know, okay, she's aware. Because I think the fact that they're bringing it up is because they somehow want you to be aware. or have some kind of dialogue about the fact that this is happening. Right. And I think you can say like when you bring,

when you say stuff like that or talk about how when you're gone that I'm not going to be able to have, be able to pay for this medication, it makes me feel both really guilty and a little stressed. So like I understand that you're saying that you're happy to pay for it. But when you say things like that, it doesn't really help me believe that. And then I feel really guilty.

And I, you know, I want you, and again, reiterating, I want you to know how much I appreciate this. And obviously I wouldn't be able to survive without you. And so that's like a huge thing for me. And I so appreciate that. But when you, I would love, you can let me know if you don't feel like I'm being appreciative enough. But I would, whatever, like I just, when you make these comments, it makes me feel really

bad. If they're your parents, like, it seems like they were regretful after that. Right. Right. Yeah. I think, you know, it sounds like they have. that conversation and I hope she said exactly what you just said to let them know how terrible it makes her feel and that you know especially that one comment like you said it's just like so

stressful like I'm going to have to be grieving you and now worrying about how you know like that just that sounds like an almost torturous kind of comment so that one I agree is super triggering out of all of them but I think hopefully this could be cured with some conversation maybe like the one you had but also just there's some reason why they keep doing this. I'm sure it's not to hurt you. I'm sure they don't want to stress you. They don't want to make you feel bad. But there's a chance that they might not be feeling appreciated,

especially if the bill is going directly to them and they're just paying it. Yeah, that's a good point. They might just be like, does she even remember that this is happening? This is a big amount of money. Does she even like, does she forget about the fact that we're still paying this bill? So obviously you haven't. Yeah. But and I think like whenever you know that if the bill goes directly to them, whenever you know that's kind of going to come, I would just preemptively give them a call and say thank you again so much. I just picked up my medication. It just feels it gives me, it relieves so much stress to know that you can financially help me with this. Thank you so much. You'll never, I appreciate it more than you know. Yeah. And if the bill goes to her and she asked them for money, that would also be a good time to have that conversation as you're asking. Right. Totally. Yeah, I could see. And I think.

look, I could see her wanting to kind of avoid it because she maybe feels bad about it. So sometimes when, you know, I'm trying to think of an example, but I think this happens sometimes in relationships where someone does something for you. You feel badly about it. So it almost, instead of expressing appreciation, you just kind of want to bury your head in the sand and like ignore it and pretend that you don't really notice that it's happening so that you don't have to acknowledge it out loud and feel the feelings of. feeling guilty or bad about it. So that might be what's happening, which I can understand,

but I think that might help reduce the comments. It's almost like even in a cheating situation, I feel like this happens where if the person who cheated doesn't come every periodically so often and say, I didn't forget what I did to you, I realized that I hurt you, I think about it all the time. Then what ends up happening is the injured partner just makes like passive aggressive comments all the time like oh she's a blonde i know you like blondes right whatever it is and just keeps like making little comments because she wants to make sure that you haven't forgotten about what happened right no i agree it's best to preempt that with your own gratitude yeah but i would say this would be that hearing that would be triggering i'd give it like a seven yeah i would i mean

the comment about what are you going to do when we're gone i would give that one like almost a nine because that's just so stressful. It's like, oh. Right. It's like not only do I now feel guilty, but I also feel like anxious. Right. Yeah. Even like the parental thing of like, oh, I don't have that much time left or like, you know,

the guilt trip that people give about mortality throwing it in their kids face to like, you know, I don't know. I don't like that one. This was good. Good luck. Yeah. I also, before we wrap up this listener, I just want to say how frustrating it is that she has to go through this to get life-saving medication.

It's just really, I don't know, it's a whole different topic, but the fact that she has to stress about something that she literally needs to stay alive. Right. And there's such a solution to it that's like just about money is so upsetting. I agree with that. Or maybe just start a go fund me and tell your parents to pick their money and shut it. That's another option. That's another option. Make sure you get the go-fund me first, though. All right.

I think that's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales-Picot, and Rebecca Sousalz McCabe. Editing by Massilio Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Freedander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646-363-6294. Betches.