Oversharing - Do Long Distance Relationships Really Work?

Episode Date: January 23, 2024

To start this week’s Oversharing, Dr. Naomi and Jordana conduct a dream analysis for a listener who seems ready to cut the brakes. Our Overshare comes from a Betch in recovery from her judgy family. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a concerned daughter in debt. Should she be offended that her parents didn’t pay off her student loans the way they did for her siblings? Dr. Naomi writes an intention for a long distance will they-won’t they relationship. And we’re feeling triggered by fake purses and potentially haunted houses. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How's it going?

I can't believe we're already this far into January. I know. The summer will be here soon. The summer will be here soon. Will it? soon. It was really, really cold and brutally windy today. It was not. I had to channel all of my inner zen to tolerate. You just listen to your own guided meditation about sunlight and like winter. Yes. Getting through that seasonal effective disorder. Totally. I needed I needed a dose of my own medicine

this morning. It is super rainy here today. I actually really like when it rains out when I have a lot of like meetings and I'm working. I find it nice. Like there's nothing worse when it's just like a beautiful day and you're just in back to back meetings. Totally. Jeff and I went away. We did like one night away on vacation at the very end of the Christmas break. We were like losing. Yes. We dropped the kids off at his mom's. We were, you know, by the end of the break, it's like we're camp counselors already for two weeks. It's exhausting. So we dropped them up and it happened to be just a beautiful, warm, sunny day. And we were checking in. We were like in vacation mode and, you know, the person working behind the counter. I was like, it's so beautiful out. Like I was just in the best mood.

And I was like, actually, let me tone it down a second because these people are in here working. Right. Like about to be serving me. And they are not getting to go outside and like have a drink on the patio to kick off their, you know, night away. So I checked my stuff. self because I get it. That's thoughtful. Very self-aware. Thanks. I appreciate that.

So nothing better to be doing than recording this podcast on this extremely rainy New York day. Yeah. However it is in Texas. But we have a lot to get through. We've got another dream. You guys keep sending in your dreams. I've seen a ton of them.

And they're pretty fun. So we'll keep doing them as long as they're interesting. No boring dreams. No boring ones. Keep it exciting. And this one is a voicemail. You guys want to leave us a voicemail. You can leave us one at 646-363-6294, or you can email us at oversharing at betches.com.

Anything else we needed to talk about today? No, let's jump in. All right, let's roll the tape. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. Thanks for the show. You guys are great, and I love listening to you every week. Just calling in because of that reoccurring dream episode. And if you're going to do a segment, I would, I'm so interested in it.

So once they're short, I always had this very occurring brain where the brakes in my car just stop and just don't work. So I might be in a parking lot and I'll just get all of these cars. And Dr. Naomi, you ask to describe how we're feeling in the dream. I'm totally calm and I'm just like, oh, I guess my brakes aren't working and I just continue on. Sometimes it happens on highway, all different places. no matter what, I'm just, I'm kind of just killed, but my breaks are not working. And I wake up and it's always like, why does this happen? It's probably every, every six months, maybe every year, but I remember having it, having this dream for as long as I can remember. So I don't know if that's

enough information, but I would love to hear your thoughts. Okay. This is a fairly common dream, really? It sounds like a suicidal. Like, interesting. You know, I think I have actually had this dream. You know who else has had this dream? Olivia Rodriguez. How do you know? Because she writes about it in one of her songs.

Oh. I mean, it could just be poetry. I don't know if she really had the dream. Okay. This exact dream where the breaks don't work. Yeah. You know, I forget. Are you chill also?

I could sing it to you right now. No, I'm not chill. So the most interesting part. One's been doing too much karaoke. Everything. I could sing it for you. Do you need me to sing it for? you. I know someone who can sing it for you. It's me. We'll save that for another episode. Now I'm

singing at my head. Okay, focus. The interesting part of this dream is that she's calm. Like, that's why I'm so glad that she included that because I think that is really a very different dream than if your breaks are not working and you're slamming on the brakes and you're freaking out. Right. To me, that's sort of like lack of control over something. Right. Like that would be a fear of that. Yes. That one would be almost like very straightforward.

I feel like I'm out of control. I think that's what Olivia Rodriguez felt, according to her song. Was she upset in hers? Yeah, I think it just felt, you know, she was upset, I think. So this is really interesting because it almost feels like a little rebellious. Like you got a suicidal vibe, which I don't know that it's, I don't know that it's that, but it does feel a little bit like I'm causing damage and I don't, it's not, I'm unbothered. Right.

I got like a little bit of like an, I'm feeling a little irresponsible vibe, like an unbothered irresponsibility. Yes. So I, you know, a few different ways to look at this. One, there's like a negative way and we have no information. I would love to hear some like information about what's going on in your life. but with literally zero background. I think there's maybe like a positive spin that you could take on this,

which is that she's like, I'm embracing the unknown. Like I kind of, I don't really know how what's happening or how this is going to turn out. It feels very out of control. I, you know, and I'm just going to calmly sort of let things unfold. More positive. That's nice. Must be nice. That's something our mom says.

Yeah. We'll put that out there every now and then. The other one is perhaps more of this rebellious thing of like, I'm doing something I know I shouldn't do, but I'm doing it anyway. That kind of came to mind for me. Interesting. I'm causing some damage, but I am just kind of calmly continuing to move through. Right. unbothered by it.

Yeah, whatever that might be. Maybe it's substance abuse. Maybe it's relationship choices. Maybe it's, I have no clue, but just kind of like, I know this thing isn't good for me and it's not good. It's not like affecting the people around me really positively, but I'm okay with that. And maybe that should, maybe it could be a positive rebellion. Maybe the other thing that I was thinking is like resisting.

other people's guidance calmly. Like if her parents are telling her to do one thing and she's choosing intentionally to do something else or someone in her life wants her to take one path and she's taking a different path. That's interesting. The thing with dreams, the issue with dreams is that they're kind of bad either way. Because if it's like a scary dream, it's a bad dream, you're like rocked by that feeling that it felt so real and the thing happened.

you're kind of like feel weird about either the person you dreamt about or the situation. And if it's a really good dream, you wake up and you're like, oh, that sucks. That's not real. I didn't win the lottery. Yeah. So true. It is, it is kind of true. I don't, it's not too often that you wake up from a dream and you're just like, wow, that was great.

And I'm glad that happened. Right. Exactly. It's never, it's never that. But I guess it's a good, it's a good, it's a good opportunity. to see what your mind is sort of telling you in your subconscious. Yes, and that's what I love about it. It's like you could spend years in psychoanalysis, like sitting on a couch,

trying to, you know, explore your unconscious mind or you can just pay attention to a dream, which is literally like unconscious, your unconscious mind coming through without the societal constraints, without the judgment, without the self-doubt or, all of these sort of ego pieces that keep you in check most of the time. So in check, in fact, that a lot of times you don't even know what you're thinking or feeling or wanting because you shut it down so quickly. Right. It kind of feels like sort of something behind hypnosis, right?

Where you're kind of getting to that part of your mind that you haven't unlocked. Right. Because you're sort of in like a semi-dream-like state where you're, You're not, we're so protective all the time of our image, especially if we're in the room with someone else, right? Like if we're talking to someone else, a therapist or, you know, even a friend, or we're so protective of ourselves and what people think of us that we learn to shut down things very early in life and very quick.

We become very efficient at shutting off parts of ourselves. Yeah, I mean, survival a little bit. So it's helpful in some ways, I'm sure. When you send in a dream, this dreamer, we'll call her the dreamer. This dreamer, if you're listening and you hear this, let us know. What's the backstory? How does this feel? How does this landing with you?

Again, we're going off very little information. I almost got everyone's life who you're ruining. We want to hear it. All right, let's do an overshare. Dear Jordan and Dr. Naomi, thank you. so much for this podcast. It recenters me weekly and reminds me to be mindful as I have a tendency to slip into autopilot when life gets hectic. Kind of like what we're just talking about. Today, I'm hoping you can help me with a problem I have with my family. My family has always been

very judgmental of anything they deem as not normal, quote unquote. Not exactly like them. As a kid, up until about five years ago, I fully participated in all the shit talking, the labeling people losers for having niche hobbies or interests, and the post family get together debriefs that analyzed everything my aunts, uncles, and cousins did that was weird, quote unquote. Although I've gotten a lot better at accepting other people's differences and loving them for it, I've been struggling with doing the same for myself. All of this judgmental talk over my lifetime has led me to self-police constantly because the message was, we love you, but we love you because you're like us. I don't know how we'd feel about you if you were like

that. I have always gotten a lot of pushback when I've tried to assert that my differences in the past, but always got back into line and played the part they wanted me to. Now that I'm trying to not do that anymore, I feel so much distance from my family. It feels like my only option is to keep them separate from anything new in my life and just play the part I need to when I see them. I'd been living with my parents up until this past year when I bought a house with my two best friends. Living with them has been so healing and they've been so great at helping me explore what I like, despite the fact that I'm 28 and I have so little understanding of who I am as a person.

my parents don't like my friends they think they're too shy and not outgoing enough and they think the things they like are stupid and make judgmental remarks about them to make this obviously puts distance between me and my family because i'm trying to juggle these two parts of my life and when one side makes me feel comfortable and safe and the other is filled with anxiety and the need to perform i tend to pick my friends more often which leads to my parents thinking they're changing me or turning me against them i don't think my parents are going to change dramatically anytime soon as they are like this with their own siblings and other people in their lives. With all that being said, though, I still can't help wanting to have some kind of relationship with them, but I don't know how to do that without selling myself out every time I see them. Is there a way I can maintain my boundaries that I need in order to continue to grow and explore my identity while still maintaining a relationship with my parents? Thanks, a bet you would like a little unconditional love. This is fascinating and I feel like not spoken about enough when you kind of get to a point where you want to buck the whole culture

of your family of origin. Right. Well, it's a weird moment in your upbringing because there's no like set point when that would happen when you kind of look back your child because I think everyone thinks their own childhood is normal and that everyone else is like them. And then maybe it's like when you get to high school or college, maybe more when you're not living in your house, when you're like. like, oh, not everyone does it this way. Not everyone's family acts like this. But I feel like it comes

at different points for different people. Totally. And I think the piece that's troubling her is this idea of kind of realizing that in all of the judging of other people that's going on, that it makes her feel judged. And it makes her feel like her family is judging her, which you don't really necessarily you don't realize you're internalizing that the whole time right well it's like when you have a friend that talks a lot of shit and then you're like I wonder what they're saying about me yes yes and so it turns out that it's like you sometimes it feels like if you can't beat them join them right and with your parents it kind of feels like I don't know I think that it's probably tougher with your parents than a friend because your parents are sort of supposedly supposed to just

kind of accept you or who you are and want you to be happy. And like, I think that's the ideal scenario. But I don't know if it's like, are most parents like that? Are some parents like that? Is it like, what is the percent of parents who are just like totally taking their own shit out of whatever they're projecting on their children? I don't, is that like an uncommon thing? I don't, you see a lot of patience. You'd probably know more than I would. Right. I think it's, it's not, it doesn't come naturally for a lot of parents because you do have from the second you find out that you're having a baby, you start having these fantasies of what it's going to turn out like. If you're like, oh, I want a girl, yay, I'm going to go.

We're going to get our nails done. We're going to get her hair done. And maybe you have a tomboy and she's not interested in that or whatever the situation is. Like you just, I think you automatically start fantasizing about what would be fun for you or what would make you feel proud or live out your dreams or living by. cariously through your children. So I think that's more common that you have that urge, whether or not you can kind of catch yourself and fight against it is another story. Like I think this to me brought up the idea of like if somebody's homosexual and their whole

life, their family grows up talking about that and an other way of like this is something that other people do. This is a negative thing. And we talk. about it as like an otherness, then it takes you a really long time to kind of accept that in yourself, let alone come back to your family and say, hey, this is me. Right. Do you still accept me because I know that you didn't accept many others that we're having, whether, I mean, for her, I don't think it's this. For her, maybe it's like she likes Pokemon or something.

I don't know what it is. You know, what the thing is. But, you know, there is this kind of subtle communication of rejection of an identity that isn't like them. So I'm really happy for her that she's. And friends, too, that she feels like really accepted by. Yes. Well, don't have anyone too. And side note, I love the fact that she bought a house with her two friends.

Like, I think that's the coolest thing. What they bought it? That's what she wrote. I have like, that's so cool. I don't even know how you do that, but that's amazing. I love that. That's great. Yeah, I think it's awesome.

Yeah, you're right, Bada House with their two best friends. Amazing. So that's pretty cool. She's having all these new insights. And it's funny because when you're 28, you feel like, oh my gosh, I'm 28 and I'm still exploring my identity. Yeah, of course. Right.

It's normal. Yeah. And I understand the idea where she's like, she goes home and she feels like it's easier just to perform to be this person that. They want me to be so that they're happy and I don't have to like deal with this whole conversation or doing this whole thing. Like I'll just wear the outfit that I know my mom won't make a comment about instead of the thing I really want to wear.

Yes. Yes. Yes. So my advice for her is you're coming to this epiphany now for a reason. You have a safe haven in your new house or your house with your friends. I would show up and kind of work on just desensitizing yourself to the new normal of, I'm here. I'm not going to engage in the judgmental talk about other people.

I'm going to break out my Pokemon cards at the dinner table and ask anybody if they, you know, want to trade, be you, fly your freak flag or whatever it is that you're afraid to be in front of your parents. and breathe into the discomfort because in order for you, it's not the issue that, you know, that you're not going to change them. I agree.

I don't think she's going to change them, but she just has to be able to tolerate, almost like tolerating their discomfort with who she is. Like if she's- Well, sounds like they're like kind of bullies a little bit. They're calling people like losers. Right. Not even like, I don't care for that thing.

It's like, oh my God, what a loser. Like that's like a, sounds like they're like a little meaner than you're regular. Yeah, perhaps. But I guess that her point is she's been avoiding that meanness. Right. By hiding herself.

Yeah. So yeah, I agree. Yeah. So that's the thing. I guess that's what she's probably afraid of. You're right. If they're mean to her,

then I think, you know, somebody said something. I think it was one of the kids that guys. She went, they went to the guidance counselor for advice, like how to handle somebody. that was not being kind.

Okay. And they said, which I thought was an interesting piece of advice. No, no, I'm just not calling them out in this episode, but one of the kids. Okay. One of them went to the guidance counselor. And she said, if someone says something mean to you, you can, a great strategy is to say, what did you say? And force them to say it again.

and then when they hear themselves say it again or they might catch themselves and kind of realize, oh, that was mean enough that I don't want to actually say it again, repeat it. So sometimes it's almost like an impulse in the person to like say the mean thing. And then if you almost act like you didn't hear it and ask them to repeat it, then either they'll recognize that it wasn't nice and not want to say it again or, you know, I guess if they just repeat it again, then it makes it so clear that they're like doubling down on this thing, that it might make the person who's receiving it feel a little bit more confident to say, you know, whatever it is, that really hurts my feelings.

Or that wasn't very nice. Right. Or, you know, whatever you can come back with. So that's a separate issue as if they're going to be mean. But, and then, you know, right in and we can address that one as a separate issue. But I'm sure that is part of what she's afraid of. Right. Or maybe she's more afraid that they're going to be fine to her face.

and then just secretly talk shit about her behind her back to each other. Yeah. Which sounds like maybe more of what they do. I think a lot of families have this. I'm sure there are so many listeners out there that can relate to the idea of going to a family function and then having the nuclear family come together in like a big shit talking session afterwards about everybody. Yeah. But I guess at the end of the day, it's like what they say about you is like, you know what they might,

That's one of my favorite sayings. Like what you think of me is none of my business. Right. Yeah. Like all that matters is the way they treat you. And that's the only thing you can really address. But like people think a million things about people all day all the time. And like it doesn't really matter.

Yes. So unless they're actively being mean to you, in which case you can at that point say, you know, I don't really feel comfortable being close to you or coming around here because you haven't been really nice to me. And then, you know,

I know she wants to be close to them. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. But I think for, now just relaxing into they might think you're weird they might think you know they might judge you behind your back but what they think is none of your business as long as you show up they're kind to you they want to do it behind your back you're thinking negative things about them behind their back that's true too i guess you don't really think about that yeah so i would just try to be this is a good exercise and exposure therapy go over there be

you, say the things that you don't think they're going to like, take a deep breath, drop your shoulders, relax your muscles, and breathe through it, you'll be okay. Right out the discomfort, write out their discomfort. It's really their discomfort, unless they're mean to you, then it's yours. But if it's just them looking at each other, being like, what is going on with her? Like, these people are changing her. She's changing. And it's kind of like, no, I'm just actually turning into the person that I was meant to be before I kind of got stifled. Right. Yeah, I like that.

Good luck. Good luck. Let's do a bet you says. Do you want to read it? Yeah, I'll read it. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, thank you for giving me the space to air my grievances. I want to first acknowledge that I have a very privileged complaint. Nonetheless, I am deeply bothered.

I'm the youngest of five daughters. my parents paid all our college expenses out of pocket, or so I thought. After completing my education, I learned I had $80,000 in student loans taken out in my name, unbeknownst to me. Is that even legal? Yeah, I'm sure she signed something. Just didn't realize it, maybe. The parents were probably like sign here for your college.

Right. She had to have signed something if it's in her name. If she's over 18, yeah, I'm sure. I approached my mom about this, and she confirmed that she took out the loans to cover my undergraduate and graduate college expenses. She also divulged that my parents did the same for my other sisters, but paid off their loans in full later. My mom reassured me that I would receive the same treatment. It's been 10 years, and I still have $50,000 in outstanding student loans. My parents make monthly payments on my loans, but have not paid them off. I think it's worth

mentioning that in recent years, my parents stroked a $100,000 check to one of my sisters and paid $250,000 plus for home improvement projects. So what gives? I understand that my parents' money is not mine to manage, and I'm incredibly fortunate to have monthly loan payments covered. However, I can't help but feel frustrated. Until now, I've barely broached the topic for fear of seeming unappreciative. I'm financially self-sufficient and rarely complain or ask for financial assistance,

which I believe has put me in this predicament. My parents have afforded our family a great life, and I have immense gratitude for their generosity. So how do I discuss my concerns with my parents without seeming entitled? Or do I let it go and pay the loans myself? Thanks, in debt, batch. So it sounds to me like her parents are paying off the loans. They just haven't paid them off.

Yeah. Yeah. The first time I read this, I was like, they're saying that they're not paying off the loan. But the second time, I was like, no, they're actually paying off the loan. They're just doing it not as fast as she maybe wants them to. Right. Which the only way I could see that being an issue is maybe she wants to buy a house or a car or something and she has outstanding debt that would cause a problem. That's the only reason why I could see this being an issue.

Otherwise, okay, just pay it when you pay it. Yeah. I guess she thinks it's unfair that the other siblings ones have been paid off and are done and she's giving them even more money, which I can understand that part being kind of annoying. I do think there's like something important about treating your children relatively equally assuming that they are all in the same needs bracket. Yes. Like if someone has a special issue obviously or, you know, maybe like a disability, obviously, like I think there's exceptions to that.

But I think generally speaking, it is important for kids to feel like there's a fairness as it comes to like family resources. Totally. I agree. and I think this comes up a lot in families because there is this expectation that like it should be completely even and all the children should get the same. But especially depending on the ages of the children, you could be in one financial position when child A goes to college and in a different financial position when child C goes to college. And there's five of them. So right. So I could see that

things might change and then it doesn't actually end up being exactly even. The fact that she's giving them a quarter of a million dollars for home improvements doesn't really hold water with that whole, like maybe they're in a different financial position. Right. She's doing the math for them. Right. And I also, I mean, the big thing here that I think is, is really sticky is, it seems like the parents were sneaky about taking out the, loans and not letting her know. Like if I took out loans in my kids names, I would make every day. I would be sure to let them know like, hey, we want to help you. Here's how it's going to work. We're going to take out a loan in your name. We're going to pay it off every month. But just so you know,

this is what we're doing. When you're going to college, you're old enough to have that type of a conversation. That's a good point. That's another big part. of it. Like, um, I think it is weird to sort of put someone in debt without their knowledge. Right. 100%. And I think they could say, look, we have every intention of paying this off for you. But God forbid something happens. These loans are in your name. Are you okay with that? Would you like to move forward or would you like to choose another school or would you like to, you know, whatever the case might be? I mean, I think this is also another, I think another big part of this email that she writes is like I don't really she says I'm financially self-sufficient

I rarely complain or ask for financial assistance which I believe has put me in this predicament so I think there's another part of it where she's like doesn't feel like she can ask for stuff or it hasn't really has kind of put herself in this position as someone who's just going to make going to say yes to whatever and not really going to maybe that comes from being the youngest potentially, but sometimes it is like the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Yes. Like you, and I'm sure, I mean, I don't have kids, but I'm sure you probably find you three kids, like there's ones that ask for more.

And they maybe get more because they're just asking for more. You're not like constantly trying to give everyone everything. Right. Right. That's a great point. And I do think that it sounds like she's so mindful, which is great, of not being unappreciative and not asking for more and just like being so grateful for everything that her parents are offering her that she's not even talking about this with them in a real way.

So I think she can talk about this and she sounds very just nervous to broach the subject because she doesn't want to come off as ungrateful. So I do think that it might be worth bringing it up with that caveat. I know how privileged I am. I appreciate how generous you have been, et cetera, et cetera. Here are my feelings on this, you know. And if there's really not, this is like if you want to be like Zen guru status, there's really, it's not really affecting you if they're being paid.

And if you are getting like it's not like you can't buy a house or I'm sure she would have mentioned it if she went to go buy a car and she couldn't buy a car or she went to buy a house and she couldn't buy a house. It's not really affecting you. It just feels unfair. Right. Which I get. But I think you could be like, all right, I have an education.

It's being paid for. It doesn't have to be exactly even. But let's say down the road you do get a house and you do want some renovations and you feel like your parents can help you or maybe they'd enjoy participating and giving you some money for that. Ask for it. Yeah. Or she can also ask like what is what is the plan for paying down below? Right. like when do you think that'll be paid off how was how you know you took it out my name how do you think

that's going to affect if i want to buy a house i'm not even sure like make it more like you said make it more of a discussion about what it means for her because i don't think that i think it is weird that that was never discussed yeah definitely i know that when i was young i was you know if mom told me signed something i just signed it and i wasn't like asking questions right and i mean you would especially like if we were like in high school and you're right to go to go to college you wouldn't be and you're just like filling out papers and signing applications probably like all day that it doesn't feel like a big deal well you trust that your parents were just doing something good for i'm not saying they're not it sounds like they're again they're paying it off

it would be more messed up if they like did it took it out in her name and then she had to pay it back and right no knowledge or agreement of doing that right yeah so i think summation bring it up i don't think it's ungrateful, especially if you lead with like, thank you so much. I'm so grateful for all your support, blah, blah, blah. I just wanted to find out, like you said, is there a plan for paying this off? You know, what are you kind of thinking in that regard? And I would try not to make it what your sister's got versus what you got. If they're getting, you know, 250,000 for a renovation, that you need 250,000 for renovation. I get the urge to want to want. I don't know. I don't think. I don't to make everything exactly equal, but a gift is a gift. And, you know, you have to just be grateful

for that. I wouldn't bring it up unless they're like, and you're going to pay for the rest of it. Right. And then you could just keep it in your back pocket as reasoning for something else. Yeah. That's the mature way to do it. Just to hold your cards. Yes. But yeah, I could see this being a bit of a dilemma and it sounds like the big issue is she's afraid to bring it up because she doesn't want to come off as entitled it's you're financially intertwined you have to talk about finances it doesn't yeah mean anything other than i let's let's just lay all the cards on the table and talk turkey about this and they're your parents if you're entitled they raised you that way it's their fault might as well talk to them about it rather than anyone else right that's a great

point actually. You could always come back to that. I feel like I've had friends and they're like, your parents are like, you're so spoiled. It's like, well, who do you think raised me? Let's do some intentions. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, love the pot. I would love an intention to keep me grounded while in a new long distance relationship.

I 30 have been dating my boyfriend 33 for eight months. We fell for each other pretty fast while meeting in our East Coast city in which we were both born and raised. while we had an instant connection that felt very strong, but agreed initially to not be official, as I knew I would be moving across the country to a new city for my job in Q4, 2023. Well, at the last second, we both agreed to try long distance,

since we love each other very much, have the same values, a really strong bond, and can see this being the real deal. The plan is for him to move out here with me in one year. He can't right now, due to a contract with his job. I've been looking to move out west for a long time, and I'm really, really happy and excited to be here, and it just feels right as I felt out of place in my old city for a while.

He agreed to follow me and even visited twice so far and has loved it. The problem is, no matter how many times he verbally assures me that he's willing to move here for me, I have a fear that he's going to back out at the last minute. He's never left the East Coast before, has all his family and friends there, and other than me, he doesn't have a real reason to move away. I brought up these fear several times

and even caveated that I would love if he tries it out here with me for a year. And if he isn't happy, I would be willing to move back near our original city. I don't think there is anything else I can do other than wait till the year is over and see if he actually pulls the trigger given we have talked about it a dozen times. Dr. Naomi, I would love an intention to tell myself when I get extremely anxious about him changing his mind and me potentially wasting my first year in this new chapter while in a relationship that ended up being a dead end. I'm trying to remain present and I know that I don't have a crystal ball or can control the future. Appreciate the help. Thanks for all you do.

West Coast equals best coast. I feel like you've been in a few long distance relationships in your day. Yeah. I did. And they're hard. I mean, looking back, I would have handled it so differently. Like, you know, everything feels like such a big deal. And, you know, everything feels like the relationship is at stake something.

Right. So I can totally get how she feels nervous. I think the big thing for her is the idea that she will, if it doesn't work out and he backs out at the last minute, that this whole year will be like a waste of time. Right. So that's where I'd like to help her because I think you can look at anything in your life that way. Right. But I don't think anything is a waste if you're enjoying yourself. Yes. Yes. Yes. She's miserable the entire time. And for all for like the end result, then maybe it would be a waste. But if she's, that, that would mean she wasn't trying to do anything until he got there. Yes. So I think if she can enjoy, she, it sounds like this is something she's always wanted to do. She should be proud of herself for doing it. She's leaving her whole family.

it sounds like she was born, you know, or raised there too. She's leaving everybody behind. She's doing it for this dream that she has of living on the West Coast. She even signs off as like, this is important. West Coast is the best coast and I'm here. So you're excited. And the beauty of this, which I love for her is she gets to kind of live this dream. She has the security of this nice, committed relationship,

committed, connected with a partner. He's visiting her. Maybe she'll visit him. So she has this security of the relationship. She doesn't have to deal with dating new people, which comes with a lot of unknowns as well. How many people do you hear about on you up that go on two dates and they can't stop thinking about whether or not they're going to be a third

and where is this going and are we exclusive? Right. So the alternative of not wasting your time leaning into this relationship is wasting your time maybe on dates that don't go anywhere. Yeah, stressed out about who you're meeting or not meeting or whether they, you know, you're interested or they're interested. So I would just look at all of the amazing things that are happening right now, which is that right now he's committed.

Yes, could he back out at the last minute? Sure. You know, anything could really happen. I understand why she's anxious, but it's really nice that she's. She has this security of a loving relationship while she's living out her dream. So I think keeping the focus on that would be helpful. And she is literally doing everything she can, even to the point of saying, hey, come, we'll try it for a year.

And if you don't like it, I'll move back there with you, which is like, that seems like not that hard of an ask. It's not like you're asking him to commit to living there forever. Right. I guess I think that there's probably like an anxiety when anyone moves away of like, am I being held back by this thing? Am I not fully exploring the city or doing, you know, taking advantage of this thing? And I think that I can understand that fear, but it's also sort of a choice to do that.

Yes. You know, like you could be spending every night on FaceTime with your boyfriend across the country. Or you could like do that sometimes and go explore and do fun things. and meet new people without the pressure of dating. Like you could make it fully, like you said, to your full advantage. Like take out the romantic aspect of it and like go focus on meeting new friends, focus on your new job, focus on like exploring the city. Yes.

That's also a great point because I think, you know, maintaining balance between, no, I'm not going to sit, you know, on FaceTime with you every night, like telling each other how much we miss each other and arguing about, who was at the bar that you went to last night and whether or not you talked to this. That sounds torture, like torture. You have to really set a balance where you're like, I have the safety of a relationship,

but I have the freedom to go and explore my city and make new friends for us when you get here. Like I'm going to establish a life that you can join me. Yeah, and then if he doesn't come, you've got a whole life. You've got your life. Yep. Yeah, it's a great point is being careful not to slip into because I think that's where, speaking of like my old, you know, in my 20s long distance

relationships, it was very much the whole like, I'm just going to talk to you on like, oh, so-and-so is going to call me at seven. I said I would be home. I said I would talk to him at seven. I can't go out to dinner tonight. Yeah. We're just going to run out the clock until you get here. Right.

Like, you know, watching a movie together on the phone, like these ridiculous things that were probably like taking me out of my actual life. and preventing, you know, and it just made it more difficult than it had to be. So I think balance there is important. Yeah, and just, you know, recognizing that you're doing everything you can to, you know, make him feel like this decision is not going to, he's not signing away his life. He can come for a year and try it out. And you don't know either.

You two may end up, you may want to end up moving back to the East Coast to be near. or your family down the line. Perhaps. Who knows where you'll be in a year? Yes. Either of you, like you said. Yes. So what's your intention for?

So my intention was it's a little on the long side, but I think it kind of covers everything. I wrote, I'm living out my dream with the security of a committed partnership. This is not a waste. That's where she is right now. She's living in her dream place to live. She has this security that she knows she has this person who loves. her who cares for her, who's going to be there for her. I mean, that's what anyone who's dating is

looking for. Yeah, it's not in person. Long distance is tough. But if you're visiting each other, I think you have that security and it's not a waste of time. This year could be one of the best years of your life if you choose to find balance and not, you know, be just obsessive about this. So I think I'm glad you're writing in so you can start off this new year. relaxing, letting everything play out. You don't need to cling to him. You don't need to keep checking in with him because that's what's going to make it turn into. I think that's what makes long distance relationships terrible is when you don't trust them.

Right. And then no one is focusing on their own life in their city. Yes. So I think you have to trust. It's hard. It's hard to do, I think. The balance is probably, I imagine, hard because it's like you want to put enough effort into the relationship to maintain it when you're away, but not so much effort that it's taking

up your whole actual life. Right. Yeah. It is definitely not easy. It will not work without trust. Trust in his faithfulness and his, you know, in your faithfulness and trust that he's going to do what he says he's going to do, which is move there, especially if you're not asking him to promise forever.

you're just asking him to come in for a year, which seems very reasonable. Totally agree. Good luck. Good luck. Let us know at the end of the year. That would be great. Yeah, that would be great. All right, let's do some triggers.

You want to read their first trigger? Yes. Your recent triggered about the fancy car and mom reminded me of something that happened to me recently. I've been wanting an LV bag for a few years now but could never justify the price. I recently moved overseas for work and the exchange rate is great. I also accepted a big raise at my job. I saw a beautiful bag when I first moved here but didn't buy it.

A couple months went by and I ended up going back to that secondhand store and buying two bags that are in excellent condition and for a great price. I was so excited. My trigger situation is when I was going to brunch with my friend and her mom who was visiting. When I walked in, my friends complimented my new bag. My friend's mom immediately asked if it was real. Good opener. to which I responded, I hope so, jokingly. That's a good response.

Yeah, that's a great response. Her mom, the first time meeting her, started talking about all the fake bags she buys, how they have all the real features, they look exactly the same, how they feel the same, and she would rather spend her money on a trip. She even went as far as asking if she could feel my bag. All I could think about was people getting their skin oils on my beautiful leather bag. I did pass her the bag, though. I felt very...

No. No. No touching. Feel your own fake bag. I felt very uncomfortable during this interaction, but I was not all too triggered, as I know I can afford the bag and I go on plenty of trips with credit card points. I just quietly sat there and when I could change the conversation. I just wanted to see how you would have handled the situation. And if you would have been triggered, thank you.

Yeah, I think that's triggering. It's very rude. Yes. It's just rude to like to basically like insult a purchase that someone just like just in front of them. One thing if she like left and she's like and the mom was like, you know, I have a bag that looks just like that. It's saved so much money. To say it in front of her is crazy. And just immediately asking if it's real, I agree, it's just so rude.

Like you could think that. You could wonder that, but like filter. Yeah. Yeah. Like I've seen people with diamonds and I'm like, is that real? But I'm not going to ask them. Ask them. Yeah, that's insane.

Just wonder and then talk shit about it with your friends when they leave like a normal person. Totally. So yeah, this is. And she like worked so hard to get it. She probably felt like was like debating it. She said she's debating it for months. And then she finally like pulls the trigger. And then now she's like, oh, I'm the sucker.

Yes. Yes. I do, I hear this a lot actually, people that like just want a frivolous purchase of whatever it is and then feel like some shame around it or get shamed by others. Which, you know. Other people are shaming because they're a little jealous. Yes. And that's kind of what you do. We talk shit when you're like a little jealous.

That's what I think it was, which is why she wanted to feel it because she wanted to prove to herself that like. Same. It's the same. and that I made the right choice and I'm so glad that I didn't waste that money on a bag. So I think you could just, you know, move on and like realize where this is coming from. But yeah, rude. Definitely. I don't know about like triggering because it's not like a deep seated emotional wound.

But maybe it is because if she's like, you know, I was really debating this and I worked hard and I spent my money on it and now someone's like hating on it. Right. It was something that like made her feel really good and then suddenly was turned into like a representation of her being dumb or something. Yes. And I'm sure it instilled a little bit of doubt of like, oh, maybe I should have just gotten a fake one. Yeah. I'd give it a four.

Yeah. It's like kind of, it's, it's more rude than anything else. But I agree. It's like it kind of, it would make you, I think it would make me feel a little insecure. Yeah. And it goes back to our conversation about like money and how that, you know, the psychology of money and, you know, shame and spending, shame and not spending, right? Like you go to a party and you have, you know,

you feel a little shameful that you have like this beautiful bag and you spent all this money on it. And then you also kind of feel shameful if you come in like your cheapy little. Right. And everyone else has the nice bag. And everyone else has the real bag. So either way, you end up kind of feeling, you know. And then it's like, do you want to like fit in?

Do you want the nice bag? Because you want to like fit in with everyone else with a nice bag? or do you want to like, do you want the nice bag because you want the nice bag? Right. It's very hard to tease apart. Do I want this because I want this or do I want this because I want people to think I can afford this? Yeah, to see me wearing it that know that I have it. There's a lot tied into that.

You know, is it that I want something high quality? Could I find something this high quality with that? I would watch, it's funny. Interesting. I'm watching, I read a New York Times article about this guy who like destroys nice handbags on TikTok. Oh, it was like, first person like he's the one destroying the bags and he's making the videos he's yeah he's he's he's making the videos I read an article I read an article about the fact that he's making these videos

right that he like tears apart the bag and like finds out like which which brands are like really high quality leather like which are overpriced and what the markup is how much right right so there's so much that goes into that psychology because it is like you are paying for like the status of it cannot really be taken out of it I mean like as much as you say like, and some bags do feel like they are like a work of art. Yes. It's also, it's also the brand. Yes. You can't. Totally. You cannot deny that for sure. There's so much to money because I think it's around like security and your identity and like you said, was I duped? Was I smart? Did I get a deal? Did I get rooked? Like totally. Yeah. All right. Am I the, am I the idiot for buying the real one?

Are they to get it for buying the fake one? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Quiet the mind. You're okay.

You love your bag. Just look at it. Enjoy it. Wear it in good health. And, you know, don't let her get in your head. You thought long and hard. It's not like you had an impulsive night where you went out drunk and, you know, spent $5,000 on a bag. Like you went, you looked at it.

You went back. You bought it secondhand. It's great. All the other things. Yeah. Feel good. about your purchase. Yeah, it's probably fine.

Probably. All right, let's do one more. We've got a voicemail. Again, love these voicemails. Again, if you have a voicemail, 646-363, 6294, we love your voicemails. So send it in. Let's play the tape. Hi, Gerdana and Dr. Naomi.

I have a trigger for you, which I'm going to add a suicide disclaimer too. A few months ago, my toddler, husband, dog, and I. moved closer to my family, we found a home that checked all of our boxes. We did find out before placing an offer that the owner's husband had died in the home suddenly. This is actually nice to know because in the state that we live in, you don't have to disclose deaths or crimes or anything that have happened in the home when you list it. We, of course, thought that This was very sad that people die and sometimes they die in their homes. And we decided it didn't discourage us from wanting to have to see our forever home.

We've now lived here for four months and have met a ton of our neighbors and everyone is super nice. But then two weeks ago, I met one of the ATOA board members for the first time. And almost right after that, she said, I just want to make sure you know that the owner died in the house. And I said, yes, I do so sad. I heard it was very sudden. And then she said in much more graphic terms that he actually took his own life in the home. This was really shocking news since we didn't know how he had died. But then she went on to give some pretty, like, grim details that I kind of wonder how she would even know that.

And I will not share them here. But then she asked me, could you tell? which just struck me as super gross and odd and inappropriate kind of question. Like I said, we've met many of our neighbors and none of them mentioned that somebody had died in the home or any details around that, which I appreciate because at this point, we had already moved in, we already lived here, what good does this information really do for us now? The husband and I agree that it is unnerving, but we still love the house regardless of its recent past. and don't really believe that, like, in hauntings or anything like that.

So how trigger can I be that this neighbor decided to unload this information on me when I met her for the first time when there's nothing we can do about it? And like so many of our other neighbors have had the good sense to not share this and color our view of the home. Well, you moved into a house that had a ghost of divorce past. I did feel like I needed to like sage the house of the divorced energy. And, you know, if you've seen any of the paint and wallpaper in my house, it kind of makes you wonder if that had anything to do with it.

But I, a suicide, I'm trying to think, like, what I want to know? Oh, yeah. I would not want to know. What's the point of, what's the point of knowing? I could see why she's annoyed because it's like, it's one thing, even if they hadn't bought the house, it would be annoying. But they're already in. What are they going to pack up and leave?

Yeah. It's like telling someone that they're like shirt is stained when they're out. The restaurant already. Yeah. Nothing to do there. There's nothing you're going to do about it. All it's going to do is make you think and wonder. And, you know, I also just, I don't even know why this is a thing.

I believe in, I do believe in, you know, spirituality and I believe in souls and I even, you know, in some respects believe in like reincarnation or like these kind of things. But I just don't think this should be a thing. Like what's, what shouldn't be a thing? Like that you wouldn't buy a house because somebody died. Oh, you wouldn't buy it. Right. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of like, it's sort of like we talked about the person who was scared of the break-ins.

It's like, that's just like the story of every person. in every scary movie you've ever seen. So it makes you think that it's a thing when it's not. Right. It seems kind of absurd, really. It's really just like a pop culture thing forcing you to like feel weird about something that you shouldn't feel weird about. Totally.

But I mean, you could stage it. Yeah. On that note, can't hurt. I agree. If it makes you feel better, I do think it's nice to have like a little ritual of kind of like claiming the house and, you know, cleansing the energies or whatever you want to call it. So yes, I think you could do that.

It might be nice, but. I did that to my house. Yeah, how'd that feel? Yeah, I got rid of the divorce energy. It kind of felt nice. It was like, it smells good. And then you're kind of like, all right, like bad energy. Just get out of here.

Yeah. I think it's more energy. Like, you know, not about like a spirit or ghost. Just like I want to make it like a nice energy. Yeah. No, I think it's great. Whatever helps you feel kind of like a little bit more in control of your environment is great. I think it was almost like the graphic nature.

I'm almost like imagining what she said, the graphic nature and like kind of walking around the house wondering like, was it in here? Did it happen in here? Did that is that, what is that thing? Like could that be it? Right. That's the part that's annoying. Yeah. That's why she shouldn't have told her.

And I agree. I think it's rude to do that. I think she sounds like she's kind of just a nosy biotch because she kind of wants, she like wants to know like if you have any info for her. I think it's the whole reason she told you. She's like, could you say could you tell? It's like, do you have any info that I don't have about this like neighborhood situation? And I'm just like want to gossip about it.

Yes. And that's what I think is triggering is that this person. just wants to kind of gossip, but at the expense of causing you some anxiety or discomfort or, again, maybe like regret in your purchase of the home, which I would get rid of any of that. This is, you know, I mean, in reality, I'm sure a lot of homes have people die in them. It's like, unless you're in the hospital, where else are you dying, you know? Yeah. I don't know.

So I don't think, I don't think this is really a thing. I wouldn't make it into a thing. But I could see why she was triggered because it's like, did you have to say that? Now it's like, now I know. Great. Yeah. I know. People just sometimes have no filter.

Yeah. I think, again, I think it's just like a nosy gossipy thing. And she wanted to like talk to you about it because it's something. interesting going on peripherally for her. Right. But I would give this maybe a five because I do feel like she was able to, before this conversation, she was just like, yeah, someone died in the house, no big deal. And now she's probably walking around like wondering and thinking and just like taking

up space in her mind. Right. Giving her like more anxiety than maybe it would have. So I agree. I give it even a six. I feel like, because you can't unhear it. So. Yes.

And it's a huge purchase and you're there every day. Right. And when you move in, you're already thinking like, did I make the right decision? I think most people every day. Right. And worst case, if it's really haunted, you can sell it and move somewhere else. Like, you don't have to tell anyone that it's haunted. Hauntings are very subjective.

Yeah. Exactly. Did you ever watch The Watcher? No. Weird show. Very entertaining. Like kind of bad but good. It's kind of about like, I don't know.

It's sort of about the situation. Anyway, yeah, I think pop culture makes the whole thing feel a lot scarier than it is. And it's really not a big deal. Don't worry about it. It's not. I really don't think it's a thing. Watch, she's going to write back there some weird sounds. I don't know what that is.

Then you ask the other listener to borrow her gun. The one with the cat. All right. I hope this helps. Validated yet move on. Yes. All right. That's our time.

Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales Puccoe, and Rebecca Sousel McHan. Editing by Massaulio Perez. Yes, booking by Alley Friedlander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.