Oversharing - Do We Have A Right to Complain About Our Bodies at Every Size?

Episode Date: July 29, 2025

Jordana brings a change of scenery to her background during a quick business trip to LA while Dr. Naomi humbles herself with a fun story from her weekend that leaves a hilarious visual in your mind. The emails start with a plea from a Betch to “Craft My Text” after she is annoyed by a baby shower request that has her wondering how to gracefully respond. The Betchicist of the week explores the contentious topic of body related commentary, even when it’s your own, when a listener’s colleague demands she change her negative tone about her physique. Dr. Naomi shares an intention for a woman who is reaching a big lifestyle milestone but is in her feels about it not being everything she had on her vision board. A new mom is struggling with her mother in law’s decision to give her baby their first piece of solid food and another listener is hurt by a friend’s overly candid comments about her choices,  and the hosts give each their trigger score. Subscribe to Oversharing on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. And I am recording from L.A.

It's nice and super early here. It's like 7 a.m. You did it. Well, you know, I've been trying to do. just stay on New York time. Yeah. So I went to bed at like 845 last night. Yes. So I've been up for like a little bit. And I have to say nothing makes you feel better than everyone else than being up super early. That's actually, if you're interested in bringing your meditation practice, that's an amazing time to meditate. Both regular mindfulness meditation and transcendental meditation, they always recommend if you're up early before everyone else, it's nice and quiet.

It's like a very spiritual time. So take advantage of it. You're up early. Yeah, maybe I'll try that tomorrow when I wake up probably equally early. So what are you up to there? I'm doing some podcasts with Jared. Oh, sweet. Yeah.

Some fun shows will be out in the next few weeks, I think. And yeah, then I'm coming back Tuesday night, taking the red eyes. So I'm also like my red eyes at like 9.30. So I'm like, all right, I'm going to be really tired by then because that's, I'm staying on New York time. Right. And then we we're doing some recordings. You and I, our next couple of recordings, you're going to be in studios. You guys should definitely watch them if you're not already on YouTube.

And then we're doing our big family hang. I'm really excited. So excited for that. Getting all packed up, recording, hanging, getting to finally meet Ronnie, all the things. Like so many, how many people are you going to have in your head? house at one time like at the max. Well, you're a family of five and then Josh's family of four. So that's nine.

Then John is so 10 plus me and Mike. So 12 of us in the house. All right. It's going to be fun. It's going to be a party. All right. Yeah. I'm excited for that.

This is seven adults and five kids. Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. That's going to be a family sleepover. Yeah. I'm getting excited. I think it'll be like a, you know,

know, as it usually is, like, a little bit of controlled chaos. Yes. Yeah. Yes. But I've got some activities in mind for us. Sweet. I'm excited. Yeah.

We're going to do some hikes. We're going to go to the beach. We're going to maybe make some pizzas. We got a pizza, we got a pizza, outdoor pizza oven. Yes. All sounds so fun. Yay. Can't wait to get there.

This time next week, we will be in person. Yes. What are you up to? She said you had a good story. So, well, I just had a weekend where I was, you know, kind of forced and or chose to like drop my ego a little bit. And on Saturday, Brooks had a football practice at a playground near our house. So I've been trying, he's seven, and I've been trying to make him independent, which he is pretty independent.

He has that little motor bike that we talked about that we got yelled at for. So I was trying to have him ride his motorbike to his practice by himself on Saturday morning. And Lila, my oldest, was going to go with him. And somehow the lines got crossed and they went to the wrong park. Long story short, I... Did she walk next like behind him to go to this thing? No, she has a scooter. She has like an electric scooter.

Those are really fun and pretty cool. If you've been on one of those like adult, it's basically like an adult electric scooter. It goes pretty fast. I have a commuter scooter. I have such bad hand-eye coordination that like just adding electricity to anything I'm doing is terrifying to me. Yeah. Like you could crash faster and injure yourself more. I'm just like, I don't know.

I'm just very bad at like spatial awareness. But go on. Oopsie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So. Yeah.

You remember. Yeah. I remember when I came to visit you in college. and I saw that you were bartending and I was just like laughing so hard because I was like, you're like, you know, pouring drinks. Like you just don't have the speed of like a bartender like shaking the shaker. You were like just very slowly, nicely like, you know, moving at your own pace. But I don't think that was the career field for you.

No. But thankfully, I mean, most people at a bar in college are ordering like pretty simple, easy. Open a beer or like vodka soda. And if it was anything I didn't know how to make, I would always say, we're out of that. Sorry. Love it. Was anything where like the ingredients weren't in the name? If it wasn't like a gin and tonic or like a vodka soda, I'd be like, unfortunately we're out of those ingredients.

So yes, I decided to get on the only vehicle that we had left for me to ride to this park, which you kind of have to get to on a bike was like a small child's bike, like, you know, where I'm like peddling like my knees up to my chin, like, did it, do do do do. This was the only way you could get to the park was by riding a children's bike. I wanted to get there fast and I would have had to like leave my car and then walk. Okay. Like a bunch of the way. It was just faster to get there on this children's bike.

And then thinking like you, I'm kind of like, well, I need to wear a helmet because like, you know, I want to be a good role model for the kids. They need to wear a helmet. I need to wear a helmet. So I'm wearing this like ridiculous like BBA8, like Star Wars helmet and riding this kid's bike to get to the park. And then I like ride and I show up and it's Lila and Brooks and they're at the wrong park.

There's the two of them. And Lila is dying laughing as she sees me coming up the road. Then I finally get them. We pull up to the real park where they're supposed to go. where it's like all the other football parents. And I'm like riding up on my like kids bike with my Star Wars helmet. But and she was laughing and she wasn't like embarrassed? That's cute.

There was nobody else there. If she would have had a friend there, it would have been over. Right. That would not have been. That's horrifying. I don't know whose mom that is. I'm just thinking like there's, I'm trying to picture the other moms in the neighborhood. And I'm like, there is not.

another mom in this neighborhood that I think would ever like that's good it means you don't take yourself too seriously exactly so there's that and then so I had that on Saturday and then Jeff had a show his band pride in the name of you too anybody likes rock and roll music they played in Fort Worth which have you ever been to Fort Worth I think I went with you guys is it like the more like cowboyist spot yeah I've been with you guys yeah Fort Worth is really really cool. I think if anyone's looking for like a Bachelorette spot or it's really, you feel like you're almost in Universal Studios, like Cowboy Western Town, but it's real. It's like a real cowboy town. Anyway, so he had a show there and I went with him, but I had like a bunch of time

to kill. They have to load in and do all this stuff. And I'm doing my transcendental meditation. So I'm just like finding, like I hadn't done my meditation yet for the afternoon. afternoon. So I'm just like finding a spot in the middle of like everything happening. There's like longhorn cows walking by and like just people, you know, walking all over tourists. And I'm just sitting on this bench for 23 minutes doing my meditation. I'm like, are people going to think that I'm like a junkie like sleeping on this bench? Well, if you were wearing that helmet maybe. No, I changed. I had a cute little cowgirl outfit on. I felt I felt cute. I like going to Fort Worth. But yeah, so those are my two moments where I'm like, I don't care what anyone thinks about me right now, doing what I need to do and the way that I need to do it. Right. And I, you know, I find I lean that way too. But then sometimes I'm like, you know, I do feel like we grew up in a house where there was very little like since there was very little discussion of like what else. other people thought of weird things that you would do, which was, I guess, kind of nice.

Like, our mom is definitely not someone who was like, we can't do this because, like, the neighbors are going to, like, think a certain way. Like, no. That was pretty nice. To a fault, I was, like, a little embarrassing probably for us. But, like, I do think that's a nice quality to have more than being, like, totally in the other direction. Like, I don't, I'm not constantly thinking about, like, what other people think of my outfit or

that kind of thing. I like it too. I think there is sometimes a fear of like did I miss the memo, you know, like get with the program. A little bit of that, which I'm sure people were thinking when they saw me right up to the football practice like in my Star Wars helmet with my kids bike. Like, who are you, woman? No, yeah. I think it's probably like maybe we could have used like a little bit more. Yeah. Yeah. Towards the middle. Because sometimes then you wind up in situations where you're like, Like, no one told me that this is how we were supposed to be. Even for college, I remember, like, I wound up freshman year. I was in, like, an all-girls dorm.

Because I, like, no one, like, I don't think I, like, real. Like, no one ever was just like, you can be in a. You have to fill out the papers to do the other thing. Right. Right. And then you get there and you're like, oh, most people, like, don't. This isn't like a cool thing to do. Right.

Right. The people that either did this on purpose or probably all the type B people like you that had no idea what they were supposed to. to do and ended up there. Right. I was like, how did no one mention to me that like this isn't what everyone was doing? Right. But it's okay. We all lived. Yeah, I don't know. I felt like this release afterwards of like, whatever, I'm just going to do me. Yeah. So yeah, so that was my weekend. I love that. It was a blast. And yeah, let's get into what some other people have going on. Let's do it. Thank you guys for writing in. Also, um,

So make sure you're checking us out on YouTube and subscribe if you want two extra bonus episodes a month. Our second bonus episode of the month is out. We have a listener on. We go through some family issues surrounding a wedding. I know you guys have a lot of those kinds of questions. We see them all the time. This was a really great episode. We really get into it with the listener. And if you're a subscriber, you can listen to that and you can get all the episodes ad free and a day early. So it's a pretty good deal. We love our subscriber community. And also, if you want to get even more involved, like you personally want to be a part of the conversation, you can join one of Dr. Naomi's therapy groups. And how do they do that?

Yes, go to Naomi Bernstein.com. You'll find all the info there, what the groups are about, what we're trying to do. We're doing a really cool challenge right now, which is basically called a mirror seat challenge. So this is where it works for people that are just new joining, kind of to get some feedback from the group on how you're kind of perceived or the vibe that you give off. So for the people that have been. Terrifying. It's optional, right? Not everyone has to do it. It's optional. But if you're interested and you're in a place where you feel like you want to reflect on kind of how you're showing up in the world and how, and just because someone perceives you in a certain way doesn't mean that's necessarily you. Their whole experience and, you know, the interactions

that they've had in the world play into that. But we do some really cool stuff like that in the group where we can talk about each other with each other in the group. And it's really connected and powerful. And so that's a cool exercise that we're doing right now. If you're interested in something like that, we do these little challenges. We do meditation. We talk about whatever's going on and in each other's wives and support and all the good things. So if that sounds like something you're into, Naomi Bernstein.com, hit me up. We'll find you a group. Love it. Let's get into your problems. Today's listeners. I'll read our first craft my text email. Let's do it. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana, thank you for all you do. And I love listening every week. I need help crafting a text response.

Attached a screenshot below. For context, I was invited to a friend's baby shower, but not able to go, as noted in my text. On the invitation, there was a note about a baby pool. It was a $5 entry per person to guess the baby's date and time of birth for a chance to win $20, and the rest of the money would be put towards the baby's college fund. I sent a gift from their registry to my friend's house and a text about how I was bummed to be missing it and then formally RSVPed with his mom and got this response. I thought the pool idea was a little strange because everyone will already be sending or bringing gifts, but I thought it could be a fun activity for the day of the shower, not really for people who aren't going to the event. I think it's even more strange to directly ask if I'd like to

contribute as it was optional. And if I wanted to, I would have told her. Now I feel pressure to send in money and a guest for my husband and I. How do you think I should respond? Thanks, a baby pool betch. So let's read the text. Okay. Sounds good. Hi, Mrs. Blank. This is Blank. Thank you so much for the invite to Blank and Blank's baby shower. I really appreciate it. I wanted to let you. you know that unfortunately, Blank and I won't be able to make it since my in-laws will be staying with us that weekend. Have a great day celebrating Baby Boy, Blank. Hi, I'm sorry you won't be able to join us. Have fun with your parents. Would you like to participate in the baby pool? I feel like this is a great text for people pleaser to have to

deal with. Yes. I do like that she has to deal with it. First of all, I just want to say, I think the, usually the baby pool concept. Yes. Usually I'm on the team like no pressure. Like sometimes these things are excessive with weddings and babies and the asks that people have. On this one, I think it's a $5 ask. And it's not really for the day, like the baby, the day of the baby shower is fun, but it's kind of, I think, to get people excited and involved in like the birth of the baby. Like what day and time is the baby going to come?

So it's more like, oh, yay, the baby came then. And I also won 20 bucks. It's like a way to get people kind of excited about the birth of your baby, which I think could be cute. I think it's fine. I think it's a $5 ask. I don't think it's a big deal. However, if she doesn't want to, I don't think she has to.

I actually think it's very annoying that people are asked. I think if you're going to a party, I'm fine with the game. Right. I'm fine with the game, but I think it should be like, you enter the game because you're, like, having fun and invested in the game. And if you win, you get like a fruit basket. Right. Or like a casserole. Like, I don't think it should be like you should be like, you're sub now like subsidizing the baby's college fund with what there's going to be like how much $100 is going to be. Right. Yeah. Like I think that the concept of like we're paying for it and then you get $20 and then the rest go the rest goes in again, the rest like how many people are at this shower. That's kind of annoying. It's like assuming people. are like so in because again it's not about the money it is a small amount of money right but i think like the classier thing to do would be like all right you want to play this game that's nice and fun for the guests but like then make the prize make it just like you get a prize you don't have to like enter and give it out right right and she could and then i think if she's like do you want to guess

it would be like sweeter if she was like do you want to guess the even though you're not coming do you want to like throw in a guess yes and you could still win the prize yeah Yes. I hear you. I do hear you. How much are they getting for a college fund with $5 a person? Right. It does seem like they could just buy a, you know, a $50 gift card or whatever it is. Yeah. It seems a little tacky to me personally to make them like pay to enter the thing. So but like fine. It's not like the worst thing I've ever. It's not it's not like the nesting party where everyone had to take the dirty mattress to the dump. That was amazing. This is not quite on that level. But, I mean, I can understand why she's like, this thing is kind of stupid. And I don't really, it's like a little annoying that I'm being asked to do it when I'm already sending a gift. So yeah.

I crafted a text to have her dodge that. Okay. What did you write? I find these things like if you're just super enthusiastic, like whoever's more enthusiastic usually gets like left alone. Because it's like, enthusiasm really just comes off confident. Right. I wrote, I actually already sent the happy couple, a gift of off their register. I'm so excited for them.

Okay. Like, what is she going to say to that? Like, well, do you want to give this also? Like, I think if she pushed back after that, I would just send the $5 to end the conversation. But I think if she's like, this is like a little annoying and I don't really want to do it, I would just like be excitedly saying you already sent a gift, which is, again, if you're not going to a baby shower, I think a very nice gesture anyway. Totally.

Yes, I agree. Mine was similar. but a little bit more like you said, pushing the potential people pleaser to challenge themselves where what I wrote was, no thanks. So excited for you all. Can't wait to meet the baby soon. Oh, wow. No thanks.

No thanks. No thanks. You know, do you want to participate in the game? No thanks. I do not want to participate in the game. Yours a lot more direct. I respect it. What do you think?

too hard. No, I think it's like, yours is like the right thing to do. Mine is like, I think like I wouldn't, I would feel like, I feel like I might feel anxious about doing that. But again, maybe if that's like a just a weird tendency, like she didn't feel weird asking. Right. Yes. You know, she didn't feel weird.

So I guess if she didn't feel weird asking, you shouldn't feel weird directly saying no. Yeah. Do you want to play beer pong? No thanks. Right. Mine is like not answering her question. and then just like responding with a right with like either either one I think is fine but I do I agree with you she didn't feel uncomfortable asking you after you saw the option and opted not to

take it so you don't shouldn't feel uncomfortable just saying no thanks and then follow it up with something warm and fuzzy so excited for you all can't wait to meet the baby I hope you have a great time at the shower right but yeah no not not doing that yeah see this is why I wouldn't want to host an event because then you're like, have to interact with all these people. I don't even know. Yeah, it is hard. And they probably don't even really know each other that well. You know, he can't control what his mother's doing.

If she's like, you know, reiterating that there's another way for you to give in more money that I agree. I think it's a little. If it's on the invitation, you don't need to reiterate it. And I do agree. She could have said, would you like to guess? You know, put in a guess. Yeah. I think put in a guess. And again, I think that's like the better way to do it. I think it's fun to have like a little game. Like I'm fine with that at a baby shower. But I think that like it shouldn't be at the they are still, even though you're there,

they're there to celebrate your baby. They're still your guests. So I think it's more about the guest experience. They're not like at an auction. They're not at a charity event. They're at like an event that's for you. I think that's just a nice thing to keep in mind to like not. asks your guests for money no matter what the amount is. Yep, I hear you. I could agree with that. Look, to each their own. I think some way it could be fun. But if you're not into it, you don't have to do it. You sent a gift that was really thoughtful and nice. Agreed. Let's do a bet you says. Let's name. You want to read this one? Yes, I will read this. Uh-oh. Here we go. It's a wait question. Let's do it. All right. I. Just for the best.

benefits subscribers who, you know, we really get into these kinds of debates on the benefits episodes if you're not a subscriber. But we're going to do the best we can with this one. Yes, we are going to do the best we can. Take all the feedback that we've gotten and gone through on calm the fuck down. And we are going to use it here. All right, here we go. Hi, Naomi and Jordana. I'm a woman of pretty average size and build, not overweight, not skinny. I've struggled with my weight throughout my life and have had occasions of being overweight and I was heavily bullied for it as a kid. In being constantly bombarded with messages about the ideal body type, it can be habitual to occasionally comment on my body, almost as though

I'm apologizing for it. I guess I never really noticed myself doing this because it seems so common for women to do. I have a friend who's a little bigger. She's very fit and sexy, just curvier. She frequently complains about her size. Recently, she last. out at me for commenting on the size of my arms in a picture. I wasn't even necessarily disparaging them. I just said my arms are huge. Partly because she's disparaging them. It does sound like that. It's a sound like that. Sorry. Yeah. If she said my arms are buff or my arms, you know, look strong. Built. Yeah. Built. Yeah. I just said my arms are huge, partly because I've been doing a lot of upper body workouts and it surprised me to see how bulky they had gotten.

and I wasn't sure how to feel about that. The general tone from her sounded like, I'm allowed to complain about my body, but you're not. I sort of get it, and I think it would be a good idea for me to work on not doing this because it bothers her and doesn't really help me. But I can't help feeling resentful of the double standard and notion that my struggles to love my body have to have anything to do with hers. Like she's allowed to struggle and I'm not just because I'm a little bit smaller.

Should she also not be allowed to voice her feelings because there are other people that are bigger than her? Thoughts. A betch with fluctuating weight. I appreciate the email. I think it's an interesting discussion. To me, this is not a matter of, like, her friends, like, no one else can complain about their body because, like, I'm bigger. No one else who's smaller than me can complain about their body. But I do think it does feel a little bit, like, insensitive or, unaware to be calling your arms huge next to someone whose arms are bigger than yours. Right. Like I do think I could feel, I could see feeling insulted by that. Like if my friend, if I have a petite friend and they're like, and they said, you know, my,

my, or like a friend that was much smaller than me and they were insulting the size of a body part that's much smaller than mine already, I might feel like they are judging that about me. Yes. I would think that. Yeah. If you think yours or huge. Right. What do you think about mine? What must you be thinking about mine?

Which I think is not an inaccurate way to think. Right. Yes. No, I agree. I could see why the friend was a little bit annoyed. But again, you know, taking some of the feedback that we've gotten, you know, you could. And even the way she describes it, her saying my arms are huge. Yes, I do think in the course of probably the dynamic that they have, and she even says she's gotten in the habit of disparaging her own body.

So I think, you know, you could perceive this as like she's saying my arms are huge. Like, you know, like even the comment of like someone will be like, oh my God, she's a beast. And that's like a good thing. You know what I'm saying? Like she's wrong. She's, I think so. I think it depends depends on the context. Right. Like I think maybe in like the sports world, if you look at someone and they're like big and huge and, you know, like strong, you're like, wow, she's a beast. And that's like I take that as a compliment, meaning like she looks like she could take someone down kind of thing. Or like she's strong and powerful. And so I do think it doesn't sound like that's what this was. My arms are huge. If she maybe this is a good lesson for her.

Well, she said I wasn't even sure. She wasn't even sure what she thought of it. So it's like she wasn't even saying and I thought they looked great. Right. She's not quite sure what she meant either. Yeah. And I think she probably, I think a lot of people do this where they're almost, even from the time their kids, like think about mean girls when they stand in front of the mirror and say all the things that they hate about themselves. And the idea is kind of like, you don't want to be that person that's like, so you think you're really pretty.

Like you don't ever want to be if she was like, wow, my arms look really toned there. You don't want to be, she doesn't want to be that. She's trained not to be that person either. Right. Like not to say anything good about yourself. I think that is a way that we interact with other people around our bodies. She doesn't want her to say something negative, but I don't know if she would also feel if she said something positive.

You know, if she was like, wow, I've been working out. My arms look really, I'm really, you know, I feel like. I don't know, maybe my arms do look, they look big, but maybe I like it. Like an asshole then too. Yes. So it's like you can't say anything good. You can't say anything bad. I guess the lesson is just don't comment on body shape at all ever, your own or others.

I think like obviously that's the ideal is like, you know, ideally we're not constantly like critiquing and body checking and like commenting. It's not as big of a thing. I don't know if that's like super realistic. I think we're all just like observing all things at all times and probably women especially societally are trained to like look for flaws in their own body and compare them to others and do those things. But I do think the particularly irritating thing here is the listener who wrote in's

lack of awareness of like the other people in the room when she makes these comments. Right. Like I might, I would like, I'm trying to think of like a good example. Like if someone was talking about a guy and I thought like he was pretty short, I wouldn't be like commenting on his height in front of a friend who had a shorter husband or something or in front of a guy friend that like was on the shorter side. I mean, ideally I wouldn't comment on someone's height anyway. But like I think to do so, I think it could be like annoying in that you're like read the, it's like a little bit of like a read the room. Yes. Situation. Like obviously we don't do these things at all. But I think that like it's. So I think it is important to have like some awareness of who you're talking to.

And, you know, maybe, maybe you want to complain about your arms to someone who doesn't have any, you know what I mean? Seems like to have absolutely no struggles with this at all. Or your friend who's very, very tiny might, well, might be, have a, you know, have a better ear to London. Like if I wouldn't, I remember when everyone in high school, everyone was talking about their SAT scores. And, you know, someone would be like, disappointed by their SAT score and I'd be like well that was higher than mine like it's like a little bit of a you know yes have a sense of who your audience is and I think it's okay to brag or it's okay to like

complain every now and then but I think honing that skill of like let me like have a sense of my audience is a good skill to to learn if you're gonna and I call them indulging because I think that like sometimes you're just kind of like this I kind of want to just talk about what I want to talk about And what I want to talk about now is like that I'm like a little annoyed that my arms look bigger than I would like in this picture. And fine. I don't think we need to be perfect all the time. But like maybe bring that complaint to someone else. Like I have friends who like when my friends complain about their like little newborn babies, they're not coming to me. Like that's fine. I'm okay with that. I'm okay with someone having complaints about being like a mom of a newborn baby. I appreciate that they don't complain about that to me. Right. You know what I'm saying? Like. Good. point very i get it i agree i could see why the friend was irritated by this but i think for this listener this is a growth moment you know i think you can one realize hey i might need to exercise some impulse control around my urges to talk about my body shape right and do it like be able to restrain that for the the right context and also i do think it was interesting that she

you know almost like aside of the of the ethical deletion of whether or not it was okay for her to say it. I think it's interesting for her to kind of be like, my brain has rehearsed this narrative around my body. Yes. And now that maybe I'm working out my arms or I'm doing something different or even just I'm not doing anything different with my body, I would just like to accept my body. It is interesting to kind of be like, wait, that is not me, that voice in my head that for the past 30 years has been telling me that my body's not okay. that's just a voice in my head. That's not actually me.

So I can be mindful of that and kind of be like, no, sorry, not going to go there. It's going to take off those headphones with that voice today. And I'm going to put on my body positivity headphones and maybe not with this friend, even just in your own mind to be mindful of, you know what? Maybe those arms look nice. Maybe I like the way that looks just to allow your mindset to change a little bit. to focus on a part of her body that she thinks looks great. I think we're always like looking for the negative or like the thing that doesn't feel like ideal in any situation. And I think the happiest

people or the people who like see the best part of the picture. Totally. Wow, my outfit looks amazing here. Like I loved my outfit here. I think that's a great practice for anyone that's struggling with body image issues is and we do this and we've done this in groups before. or like stand in front of the mirror and just notice where your eyes go first. And if you're having body image issues, it's always going to be your problem area. Right. And that's just just becoming aware of that, that that's how your mind is trained to look at the thing that you don't like first and try to retrain your mind to be like, hey, I'm going to look

at this thing that I have positive feelings towards first when I look in the mirror, like training your brain to notice. where you place your attention is where you live your life. And if you zoom in your attention to the part of yourself that you don't like, every time you see a photo or every time you look in the mirror, that's how you're going to feel. So I do think that's a great practice too. Agreed.

Good luck with that. All right. Thanks for the email. Let's do some intentions. I'm going to read this intentions. And I would like to say that we have, we get so many very, very similar to this for intentions. If you're feeling this way, you are one of many, many listeners because I see this email

in some way, shape, or form all the time. So keep that in mind. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I am writing in today looking for an intention. I'm turning 30 in a couple of months and it's causing a great deal of stress and anxiety. I'm not where I thought I would be at this point in my life, single, no kids, living in a small apartment in a city I don't love. I know everyone lives on their own timelines, but I feel ready for the next phase of my life to start, and I feel like I am just stuck in this holding pattern. And for some reason, 30 feels like the big turning point, like I need to get my act together. I also had this vision of how I wanted my 30th birthday to go, and it's looking less likely that it's going to happen, hoping for a romantic getaway with a boyfriend,

but alas, I am single. I just feel like this day is a dark cloud hanging over my head. How do I not put so much pressure on this birthday and also not feel sad and disappointed on the day itself? Thanks. 30, flirty, and not yet thriving. Yeah. This, I feel like this feeling that you have, that one has on these big birthday milestones when you reass- even any birthday, right? Yes, we can talk about 30 or 40 or 50 or whatever age you are coming to. But I think this could happen any birthday of like, oh, it's been another year and I wanted

this thing to happen. I thought I would be here at this point in my life, but I'm not where I envisioned this, you know, at an earlier time. Yes. And I do think a lot of people, they have this, it's a marker. It's like, well, last year on my birthday, I was here and I envisioned this goal for the next year of how that was going to go. And here I am again. And it hasn't happened. And similar to the last email with the person complaining about their body, I think we sometimes at these milestones, we are looking for like what is missing from where we were last year or what we still haven't gotten to. And it's much easier to focus on that than anything that we've actually accomplished. I know I do that all the time. I just think about what I don't

have that I wanted this year. And I don't think about anything that I've actually accomplished. So it is hard. I relate to that. Accomplish or maintained, you know, just in terms of like, I've maintained friendships. I've maintained this job. I've paid for my apartment, like just kind of the, and somehow maintaining feels like not good enough. We need to be growing and doing more and changing and getting better. Again, one of the things that we talked about in the groups that I run is just spending a week not working on yourself. Just spending a week being like, I am not a, yes. Like, I am not going to be working on myself.

I am fine just the way I am. I don't need any other additional external or even internal factors to change for me to feel okay with myself. And we're just wired that way. It's like we're working against, you know, our evolutionary biology where that's how we came to be doing all the things that we're doing because we always want more. We always want the next thing. Right.

We have a hut with like a roof. Now we want a hut with like a roof and four walls, you know, and then you want like a floor and then which is fine. But I think if you kind of, it sometimes runs crazy and it feels like it's never going to be enough. And it's not. Right. Like she's going to find the partner and then she's going to want the engagement and she's going to get the engagement. Right. She wants the wedding.

We talk about this all the time. Right. But it is tough. Like how do you. because I think like I don't want to invalidate that like this is tough that it is tough to want to be in a phase of life that you were not in yet and to be like yearning for that and longing for that and to feel like nothing you're doing is getting it. So I do want to like, of course like ideally we're all just thinking about the good things and the positive things that we don't have. But I also want to say like I totally understand feel that feeling of like I'm frustrated that I want this. thing. I want to be in the space and I'm not there yet. So I think it's like tough to, you know,

I kind of like, I guess you could give, you could give weight to both. You could give attention to both. Yeah. Right. Like I don't think her, I don't think the goal is for her to be like, well, just pretend that like you're fine, that I'm happy and totally fine without it. So I think that, we also talk about this too. Like, what does, what's the right way to look at things where we're acknowledging and like warning the things we don't have, but also not letting it. And, it like consume us. This is really hard with whatever age you go through this or every birthday. And I think it does help sometimes to break it down to like you're saying, what is the feeling that I'm really feeling like that's painful? So maybe in this case, it really is loneliness.

Like if she envisioned that she would have a boyfriend, that's what she wants. Like I think just looking at that for what it is, like I feel lonely and like being able to allow yourself to feel lonely and feel sad and like have you know the feeling of whatever it is that you're missing or let's say you're not at a point in the in your career that you want it to be like I feel scared that I'm not enough like kind of pinpointing the thing that's underneath the thing that's making this feel like this you know because sometimes your mind can just run crazy and then you don't even know what you're you're just like overall just like wrapped up in this, you know, torrential downpour of nothing. This isn't the way I want it.

Instead of being like, okay, I need to lean into. Right. I feel lonely or I feel not enough or I feel left out, I think is a big one for a lot of people. Like I feel excluded if like everyone's getting married and talking about their fiancés and their trips with their partners and I feel excluded from that or, you know, I think those are the big things that are underlying it. So sometimes if you can see that for what it is, I agree and like allow yourself to have that feeling, then it doesn't become just like the wild west of negative emotion around this entire birthday. And then you're just like, you know, going down a dark hole. Yes. When it is more specific like about what it is that you're really upset about, I think, most of the time. I agree. I think it's good to like give it,

give it some attention so that it's not like she said it's a it's a dark cloud hanging over the day so it's like let's like face it before the day yeah or even like on the day i think you can just honor where you're at and if you want to wake up and like you know do i you know i have some good meditations i think i've spoken about them on here like for when you want to really like lean into and allow yourself to feel your feelings kind of thing So like if you want to wake up and do one of these like feel your feelings meditations and wake up and kind of have a good cry about like the things like let yourself have that sadness. Great. That doesn't mean anything about your life or your day or the rest of your day.

It's like a 30 minute. I'm going to let myself feel the feelings of what this is. And then I'm also going to get up and find the small joys in the life. that I have, which I think is one thing like we're talking about where you place your attention is what your experience is going to be. So it might not be a trip to Bermuda with like your, you know, gorgeous fiance. Right. Boyfriend. It might be, you know, making yourself a delicious cup of coffee and just like smelling the smell of the coffee and being like, I'm going to sit outside and drink my coffee and enjoy this small, joyful moment, sensory experience.

And it doesn't mean that you have to go one way or the other. You have to either deny that you're sad or you have to, you know, totally be like mopey all day and not give into it. So I think you can find that balance. And I also think this birthday is not going to be about, you know, embracing a new exciting life and adventurous changes. This birthday is going to kind of hone into what I think is a lifelong skill, which is finding strength and acceptance and patience for where you are because this will come up again eventually right I agree at at some other point in your life it's going to feel like a stagnant feeling so do you have a attention for her yeah so I have I have a couple um I have two that I can kind of offer you know one is we cannot control

when the seasons change but we can control our attention to small joyful moments within them and that's kind of like lifelong going to get you through that. And as far as the birthday and specific, you know, just for her to realize that there is growth in this, it might not feel fun. It might not feel like exciting and the best, but you are, when you're uncomfortable, that's when you're growing and changing. Right. So some birthdays feel like a symbol of exciting new phases and adventures. And some are symbolic of my strength in acceptance and patience. And it sounds like this one's going to be symbolic of your strength and acceptance and patience. And I agree with you, Jordie. I think if you can kind of also give yourself time to allow yourself to feel lonely or behind or

excluded or whatever that is, I think it would be good to kind of give that some attention that it deserves because it is hard. Agreed. Well, good luck. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. This is a good one. Honestly, the day is yours. It's also. great when you have a birthday that feels like a little lonely or you don't have like a person that's planning you some fun adventure that you're doing something together with to figure out like what do i just want to do which you don't often have the you know luxury of being like literally what do what is my choice of what i want to do and be a little selfish that day like if you don't want to take a phone call for example or if you don't want to you know go see this person or you don't You know, um, yeah, go get a massage. Yeah. Do whatever you want to do on that day.

And it's a great. Do what I want to do. Yeah. Okay, let's do some triggers. You ready? Yes. Want to read our first one? I will read this.

Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I absolutely love the podcast. I'm subscribed to both you up and oversharing. Thank you. Thank you. There have been many times I've thought this would be perfect for oversharing, but I've finally been triggered enough to write in and hear what you both have to say. To preface, I'm frequently triggered by my mother-in-law. She's nice enough, but we struggle

to connect beyond surface-level conversation. We have completely different worldviews, and I often find myself dumbfounded by the things she says. I'm not confrontational by nature, and I typically try to brush things off, but ever since my husband and I had our first baby, her behavior has become harder to ignore. She scoffed our decision to send our baby to daycare and has made repeated comments that subtly and sometimes not so subtly judge me and my sister-in-law for being working moms. She loves to remind us that she stayed home to raise three children, once even declaring at dinner, women just can't have it all. She frequently dismisses updated safety guidelines insisting that because she raised three kids who turned out fine, our more modern choices are unnecessary or overly cautious. For example, when I mentioned my son has a slight flat spot on his head, she responded, it's a shame they recommend babies sleep on their backs.

Their heads are so soft. Yes, because back sleeping reduces the risk of sudden infant death, but sure, round heads. Then came the moment that pushed me over the edge. We were at brunch, and on the car ride over, I told her how our pediatrician said we could start introducing solid soon. Exciting. I made it clear that we hadn't given our son anything yet. His first taste of food was still a special milestone my husband and I were looking forward to.

At the table, she was holding him on her lap. I happened to glance up and see her about to feed him mashed banana from her fork. No asking. Sorry. I'm sorry. No asking, no, should we try to give him a taste, just fork to face. I yelped. Oh, my God, no.

Not even knowing what else to say in the moment. moment. To make matters worse, this banana was from her French toast, which was topped with powdered sugar, syrup, and also honey, which babies under one aren't even supposed to have because of the risk of botulism. But I'm sure that's just another new rule she rolls her eyes at. Not only did she almost rob us of her baby's first food moment, she also put his safety at risk. My husband, thankfully, is on the same page and was equally alarmed. He jumped in right away, her only response of patronizing, okay, mommy said no. We let it go in the moment. I read it more as like, okay, mommy said no. One of those. We let it go in the moment, but I've been simmering ever since. So my questions are,

how triggered can I be? Why would she feel entitled to give our baby his first taste of food, especially without asking? Isn't that common knowledge that this is a big sentimental milestone for parents. Two, what do I do with the ongoing pushback on safety guidelines? Anytime we mention current recommendations, back sleeping, no blankets or toys in the crib, nap schedules, no honey, etc. We get the same type of dismissive response. Oh, come on, I raise three children, you know. I understand she's probably defending her own choices and feeling judged by ours, but I can't help but feel disrespected, mistrusting, and very triggered. Would love to hear your thoughts and advice. Thanks for letting me share and overshare. Love you both signed. Mommy said no.

Betch. I would like to say, I didn't really know that the first taste of non-breast milk was like a big milestone myself. So I don't know if that's, I could see how that would be, I guess, a thing. But like, I don't know. Is that a big thing? Right. Was that a big thing for you? I think everything's kind of a thing when you're in it. If it's your first. Maybe it could be. Yeah. And when it's your first, it could be a thing, but then like everything's a thing, you know, like the first time that they use a spoon is a thing. The first time that they, you know, sleep without a swaddle is a thing. There's so many first things that you can make yourself crazy. I do think it is a fun, new experience to watch your child go through, you know, that you kind of want to be there to see

their reaction and how they like it and whether or not they, you know, spit it out or, you know, whatever. So I do, it's funny because now, again, I don't know how people will take this, but now that I've been a parent for 13 years, I do look back at some of these things that I got so tweaked about in the moment. And I can validate her because I remember we had a nanny that without asking me, I was at work. And she played. on like my working mom guilt also, not intentionally, but she put baby cereal in with the milk without asking me. And I remember coming back and she was like, well, you were gone and she was so hungry.

And I, you know, she wasn't being satisfied. And I'm like, my breast milk is fine. It's satisfying enough. Like I would be, I was almost home. It's like a it's like a powdered baby. It basically thickens the breast milk. It's not really formula. It's like a cereal, like a grain of some sort, like either oatmeal, like powdered oatmeal or

fortifying something. It's like just it's almost like you put water in it and you could feed it to them on a spoon or you can put water or breast milk or something and make it like a, it's almost like a baby mash, whatever. I see. Okay. But she didn't say anything to me. And she was, I took that as like, my breast milk isn't good enough.

I'm working too much. You're making this decision for my baby. And I was really mad. Now looking back, I'm kind of like, okay, she was fine. Like nothing crazy happened because she got a little bit of this baby cereal. But in the moment, I felt probably similarly to how this person feels where you're so sensitive. Everything. They're like this precious little new.

Everything feels so special and important. And I get that they want. wanted to be the first one. I mean, they were at the table, so they would have been there for it. Right. I think a drop of honey from the side. Yes. Because she's like, what are you doing? Oh my God. Yes. Like, lurching across the table. It's an also annoying. Yes. Yeah. I get it. I don't think like a side swipe of honey from the side of the plate. It's like she's giving him a spoonful of honey. I don't think it would have. I get it. I know baby, shouldn't have honey. I'm not disputing that, but I think a little dripling of honey from the side of a

plate is different than giving them like a spoonful of honey. But I get it. I think the bigger picture is that she feels like not respected as a mother. And like she has she's having to fight with her mother-in-law every step of the way with what she thinks is right for her baby. And that's frustrating. And it's about like control, which all, I think all these mother-in-law fights kind of our about like the sense of like who is the head bitch in charge like yeah or like you know who's and I think probably I would imagine when you have a baby like because you're like the only thing keeping the baby alive there's this sense of like I must control all aspects of like what the baby is eating and doing and whatever so I could see how that would be like I feel like a lot of pressure

and then someone kind of minimizing it would feel anxiety-ridden. Yes. Yeah, I get it. I will say, I think, having kind of moved through that phase, and I, again, I validate it, that was me. I was in it. Things that I remember mom gave one of the girls, like, you know, soft-serve ice cream at some point when they were, like, not really eating solid foods.

And I was like, okay, now they've had, like, this processed, you know, cream, whatever. Like, I remember being annoyed by that. But now that I'm on the other side of it... She gave my dog chocolate cake. So I... Oh, okay. My pup might, yes.

She's like, it's fine. It's fine. I just to eat that all the time. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I... And then to say it's fine isn't... Right.

Not even to say, like, I'm sorry. Yes. Right. So now I, now that I have the dog, I can relate to like, that's a little annoying when they're just doing whatever they... It's more like they're just doing whatever they want and not deferring to you.

you. Yes, not deferring to you. This is your baby. This is your turn to do it your way. And, you know, did the dog die from eating the chocolate cake? Thank God, no. He did have some diarrhea though. Right. So that's annoying. That is annoy. I mean, there are some consequences, you know, perhaps. Even I could see with the sugar, you're like, now he thinks every banana that he has is going to be coated in powdered sugar. And then when it's not coated in powdered sugar, maybe he's not going to want to I could see why it's bothering her, but I do think in the nature of peace and harmony and family, I think it is good for some of these new moms to have a little bit of just empathy for the mother-in-law role where it's like they did this thing.

They feel like they raised someone that was pretty good. You picked the person that they raised. So they probably did a pretty decent job at it. And I think, yes, you should have your boundaries and you should be able to set your boundaries. We could talk about that and how to do that with this mother-in-law. But I also think sometimes realizing, like, that was their whole identity probably for a long time. And they're maybe feeling, you know, like reminiscent about that. And like, this is a chance to kind of get back into that, which was so special and meaningful for them.

So they're struggling. and they have no power here. You have all the power, which is why I think sometimes it is up to the daughter in these mother-in-law, daughter-in-law situations. If you can, I'm not saying first six weeks postpartum

or like first couple of months, take care of you, do what you got to do. But at some point to come around and say, one day I will be this person and I will want a little bit of care from my daughter-in-law to recognize, like they want to help. want to love, they want to be involved. They want to be there for some of this stuff too. And in whatever

way you can to be a little bit empathic and soft while setting these firm boundaries around the things that I get you want to be respected. Right. And I think some of it and the trouble that I notice that a lot of my patients have around setting boundaries with the mother-in-law's, they don't want to come off as mean or harsh, but you may have to do kind of like the, no thanks. I'm not going to be contributing an extra $5, please don't give that to him. Right. That's it. Polite and firm.

Polite and firm. And then the next step two is tolerating that they might not like it. They might have a little puss on their face or get a little pouty or be a little upset. And that's okay. And then maybe later you can find a place where you can make them, I think the other piece is finding a place that's comfortable. for you to make them feel involved and loved and part of things in a way that I think sometimes you get so like tight around it.

Like I'm the head bitch in charge like you said. Right. That then you subconsciously kind of push them out and they're always trying to find their way into the point where then they're like doing the thing that you don't want like it almost becomes this power struggle. Right. So give them a special role. Throw them a bone.

Give them something that works for you. that makes them feel loved and cared for and included. And I think you'll find that then they'll maybe not be doing these subconsciously annoying things to kind of be like, you know. Get in there. Yeah. Yes. Get in there.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. How would you rate this trigger? If I'm her in that moment, I'd probably feel like maybe a banana. I don't know. It was like, but yeah, I'd maybe feel like a six in that moment. Okay.

Yeah. Looking back on it now, being a mom, having done this 13 years ago, I'd feel like it's maybe like a four because it wasn't like she was giving him. Right. Chunks of granola or like something that he was going to choke on or something really dangerous. Right. I'll give it a five somewhere in between there because I could see what, I could see both.

sides. I personally, what I read it, I didn't think it was that triggering, but also I feel like when you're in it, like, I was, I was quite triggered when our mom gave my dog, like, something that was just like, obviously very much not. Right. It's not supposed to give him and didn't seem to, it wasn't, and it also just, like, wasn't apologetic. I think that's like the other annoying part of it. If the mom was like, oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize that, like, you hadn't already given him bananas or whatever. Like, I think the reaction to the fuck up is also the kind of important. and she seemed to the patronizing like, all right, like, okay, mom's like a dictator. We're not allowed to do this. I do think that's almost more annoying than the acts.

Like if she accidentally was giving him the banana and she was like, oh, please don't do that. And she was like, oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I think that would be, I would lower the trigger score. But I do think it's like she's making the mom out. She's almost like gaslighting the mom to seem like she's like a crazy controlling bitch. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. I could see that. I definitely could see that. piece of it, why that the reaction was a huge part of it. Yeah, it's tough. I mean, grandparents

love to feed kids and dogs and, you know, let her have a role in that somewhere down the line. Maybe teach her like, this is exactly what, you know, if you want to come by after, after brunch, maybe we can, you know, give him some banana. You can be there for that. Together. And like, yeah. Yeah. I agree. All right. Good luck. Let's do another one. Yeah. Okay. I have a triggering situation that I can really used some help navigating. A few months ago, I was hanging out with a close friend of mind. She and her husband have been struggling with fertility issues for years, and during a vulnerable conversation over wine, she opened up about her how her maid of honor had recently become pregnant. The pregnancy was the result of a one-night stand, and while unexpected, this woman has really

stepped up. She's cleaning up her life and preparing to become a mom, and I've honestly been proud of her transformation. But what really unsettled me was how my friend responded. She said something along the lines of, she's a train wreck. She won't be a good mom and doesn't deserve her pregnancy. I understand that she's speaking from a place of deep pain and frustration, but hearing her tear down another woman in such a raw moment really stuck with me. I didn't confront her about it at the time. I just changed the subject and let it go, giving her grace in the moment. Fast forward to now. I'm pregnant with my first child. It wasn't exactly planned. My husband and I weren't trying, but we also weren't preventing. I've always been kind of 50-50 about having kids, and she's known that

about me. Because of all this, I didn't tell her I was pregnant before sharing it publicly on social media. Honestly, I was afraid of what she might say, not necessarily to me, but about me. After my post, she texted me and said she was hurt that I didn't tell her directly. She felt like I grouped her in with everyone else. And now I've heard through mutual friends that she's saying, I don't deserve this pregnancy because I've always been unsure about becoming a mom. I want to confront this. I want to have a conversation, but I don't even know where to begin or if it's even worth trying. Should I have compassion and open the door? Or is this a sign that it's time to cut ties? All right. Hi. What do you think? This is clearly a projection of someone's like frustration with their

own situation. Right. And it's like it's it's fucked up to say those things like out loud to other people. But I could see why she would think them in her head. She's like, you know, I've had like similar thoughts of like it's really annoying that this person wasn't even trying and they like, you know, they had a baby and like, that's annoying. I wouldn't say they don't deserve it because like who deserves anything at all ever. Like what do I deserve that I have in my life? But I could see, I think the, the real feeling is like an envy and like a feeling of like, it seems unfair that like some people just, you know, have kids and don't even, aren't even sure they want them. And I'm, you know, like the life, the rolling, like the card I was dealt for this particular part of my life is like, feels like unfair or like unwarranted and like this other person

seems to have it way easier when they want it less badly. And that's like I think that's a valid frustrating feeling. Again, the way that she's phrasing it and twisting it to like they don't deserve it or they shouldn't, they shouldn't have this thing that's going really well for them and it's going really easy for them is not right. But I would chalk it up to her circumstances. and like, fine, she's telling people you don't deserve it. Like, anyone who hears that is going to think she sounds crazy. Right. I think it's kind of, people have this, like, huge feel of, like, fear of, like, being judged

or being thought of in a certain way when it's like, that's what we're constantly doing all the time. Yeah. Yeah. It is, it is true. I think it's okay. I take some space from the person. Yeah. And I do think she can talk to her about it, too.

Yeah. It's almost, it's similar to the thing. with the you know my arms look huge it's kind of like right you have to you can have that thought I guess maybe it's not ideal to have that thought but you can have that thought but realizing that when you say that in front of someone else now that person's going to think well what are you thinking about me that's just the natural course of how this is going to go so I'm sure I mean anytime you're around someone that's like talking a bunch of crap about other people I have that you always think that yeah what is that you always think that yeah what is that you're going to

they saying about me when I'm not around. So I do think that there is that. And the friend's problem is that she's like, she's not like, she's not like self-aware enough to internalize that thought about her. Like it would be one thing if she said it's so frustrating that this friend got pregnant on a one-night stand and she didn't even like, it's like, I'm so frustrated by that. It feels very like, it's like a little enraging for me that it's so easy for some people and it's so hard for me. Yes. To put it on her, I think.

is where the friend is going wrong to say like she doesn't deserve this she's you know there's like a negative thing about her when really it's like a frustration with the the circumstances and not you know like the and that doesn't sound like how she phrased it at all so I could see why the friends like turned off by this behavior yeah and I think if you do choose to talk to her about it I think you could say it just like that like I want you to be able to open up about this I want you to be able to talk to me and say I'm enraged or I'm so frustrated or even like it's not fair or I feel I feel. I want you to be able to say those things to me. But the part that made it feel like that made

me then distance myself when I have my own news was when you said she doesn't deserve this pregnancy. That to me felt that was where I kind of decided to take a left and like not tell you when I was pregnant because I didn't want you to feel that way about me. Right. So I think that is kind of letting her say like, yes, have all these feelings. They're all normal. I'd probably feel exactly the same way if I were in your position. But the she doesn't deserve it comment is pretty judgmental and mean.

And you don't want like it's hard to then move forward with a friendship when you feel like this person has just sized up my entire character based on this. know, right, my deservingness of right. And also like, again, who deserves anything? Everything is totally fucking random. Like who does, like, you know, what does anyone deserve? Their house, their job, their whatever, like. It's delusional. And you have to talk to like an eight year old about this. Like, it's delusional to think that life is fair because you want something the most means that, like, you should get it. Right. No, it's a delusional thought. It kind of comes back. to just, I think the way you described it. I'm frustrated. I'm enraged. I'm jealous. I wish things were

fair and it worked out like that. Yeah. That's not how it is. All okay comments. Yes. Not okay. Like judging someone else's worthiness. Not okay. Yeah. And I think I do think if she's going to, I think if she's going to talk to the friend, I would open again with like, because I do, I actually do think that it would be very triggering for the friend to have seen that her friend is pregnant on social media. Yeah. I actually recently had this discussion with someone else. I think like I do think sometimes people like would do that because they don't want to like text you and make you feel like it's like, you know, they've got like this big thing and like make it a bigger deal. But I do think that it is kind of hurtful to find out that way. Like I think most people prefer to find out privately through

through a text. And so I think if she wants to like own her part in this, I think she could say, I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. And I think she already said that when her friend texted her to at her about it. But I think if she wants to open up this conversation, she could start by reiterating that like she didn't realize that was going to be triggering or upsetting for her. So she can apologize and then say, however, I did hear that you're like, that you are telling people that I don't serve this, which is really hurtful to me. and makes me even less makes me not want to tell you or talk to you about this subject at all. Right.

So like, you know. Yeah, I agree. I think that's a good way to start it. Like it was hard news to find out already. And I can imagine it would be even harder to find it out when you're just like, I think being, you know, taken off guard with this, you're like on a Tuesday morning, just waking up and scrolling. And all of a sudden you find out that someone you're close to is pregnant, that's a really

got to be a hard moment. start off your day and a really weird and kind of, you know, just uncomfortable way. So totally validate that. But I do think this friend needs to take some ownership over like how you talk about people when they're not there affects the way that the other people are going to be able to interact with you. So I do think she needs to own that a little bit. Totally. And how you talk about people who are doing better than you in certain aspects of life is a like can feel like a big part of your character. Yeah.

Like you don't, it is not pleasant to be around someone who's just hates on anyone that's, that has a better, that's doing better in any aspect of their life than another person that's, you know, richer or has a better job or, you know, as kids who are more success, whatever it is. Like, I do think that is like an icky part of her personality that you might want to take into consideration as you're assessing the friendship going forward. But I think it's worth like a chat because clearly this like issue is lingering. over the friendship.

Yeah. And again, for anyone who has those feelings, which is everyone, basically, when you're feeling, you know, jealous or like you want to kind of talk crap about somebody, I think that's the moment to do the thing that, you know, we were talking about doing earlier, which is like the 30th birthday, like what is really hurting here? And just honor that. Give that some time. Like let yourself do the thing.

we're like, this isn't really about her and whether or not she deserves her baby. This is about me feeling sad and grieving this loss or longing that I have to be a mother. That's what's happening here. It's not about her. So sometimes if you can quiet all the noise and come back to that place of like, this is what's being triggered. It's probably the same thing that's going to be triggered again tomorrow, the next day, anything that happens, a negative pregnancy test, whatever the things are that are,

bugging you, if you can become aware of what that deeper thing is so that whenever you get that way instead of lashing out and getting angry and causing fights and kind of like maybe negatively affecting all your relationships, you can just be like, okay, here it is again. Yeah. This is screaming for attention. This needs to be seen in a deeper way than an angry way. This needs to be seen in like a soft, vulnerable way. Agreed.

This friend definitely needs a therapist. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I would give this one a five because I think it's very jarring to hear that like a friend is saying that you don't deserve anything that's going well in your life. Like if I heard a friend was saying I didn't deserve anything, like any aspect that I was like happened to be going well for me.

I think that would be upsetting. But knowing that she's had this like super long, super stressful experience with it. I would like not take it quite as personally. I don't think I would believe that I didn't deserve it. Right. You know where I coming from. Coming from. I'd give it a five.

Yeah, I agree. If this was like an out of the blue comment because you bought a new house that was like, you know, really nice and someone said you don't deserve it. Like for no reason at all, you'd be like, okay,

that's a seven. That's my friend. That sounds like something an enemy would say about me. Like wishes, right, meet bad things for me. Right. But yes, considering that you know what she's going through and you know where it's really coming from and you were a little avoidant on like not telling her and posting it. Yeah, I agree. Five sounds about right to me.

Okay. Well, we did it. Proud of us. We did it. All right. That's our time. Great work today.