Oversharing - Do You Have The Right To Monitor Who Your Partner Follows?

Episode Date: July 18, 2023

Jordana and Dr. Naomi are excited to tell us all about the brand new premium version of the podcast: Calm TF Down is available now wherever you’re listening. Naomi tells us how she uses guided meditations in her own practice, and they give us a peek behind the scenes of recording Calm TF Down together. Then a listener writes in to ask what she should do now that her traditional Indian parents announced that they disapprove of her moving in with her white boyfriend. The Betchicist question comes from a listener who is struggling with insecurity about her boyfriend viewing her cousin’s IG stories, even after she went on his phone and muted her account. Was it an honest mistake or a betrayal of trust? And more importantly, do you have the right to monitor what your partner looks at on the internet? The intentions for this week are all about finding new ways to feel good about your body after an injury prevents you from working out. Finally, they score some Triggered submissions about an unexpected birthday trip cancellation, and a hairdresser heavily editing a client’s facial features for an Instagram post. Oversharing: Calm TF Down is available now, featuring our first four guided meditations! Become a subscriber in the Apple Podcasts app or go to subscribe.betches.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Trudana Abraham and I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. So great to be back. Happy birthday.

You know your birthday was last week. Thank you. It's crazy. I'm like a middle-aged woman. And like, it's so weird. What is middle-aged? I don't know. I mean, I'm 44.

Well, I was thinking that about turning 34, which I'm turning 34, which I'm turning 34 in a few months. And I'm like, I'm like a lady. Like, do you know what I mean? Like, I'm like someone, like a woman. Right. You're no longer like in your 20s, you're like a young woman. And now I'm just kind of like a woman.

Right. Sometimes I think it's such a weird thought. Sometimes I'll think like if I was in a news story and someone wrote like you know how sometimes they'll just put in parentheses like 44 or like they put the age of the person when they're writing like a few if you were like abducted and they were like yeah jadana abraham 34 yeah it's like what does that mean but it's like you're you're not like you know a very young woman that got abducted you're like you know it's like kind of like you know what i don't know what that thought is but it's just this interesting thing of like what does it mean

when they put that age there like why is that someone? Why is it relevant? I guess in terms of like abduction, it's kind of like, you know, you kind of get a sense of why someone would be, I don't think someone abducts a 34 year old woman for the same reason they abduct like an 18 year old woman. Right. So like, what does that mean? Like now I'm in this age, we're like, you feel a little less, a little less badly

that I got abducted. Like if I'm, you know, if I'm like, you know, obviously if someone's like 16 and they get abducted, it's like the worst, right? Yeah. It's like a child. Then when you're like, you know, 21, it's kind of like a little different. 34 is kind of like, oh, that's sad. But, you know, she looked at the life.

For me to like make sure that you get like the pool chairs. She's super anal about that kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah. That's funny. So, yeah, now I'm 44. I don't know what that was. How are your 40s?

Like generally as a decade? I love them. They're great. Honestly, I feel settled. I don't have like a lot of, you know, existential anxiety. I'm not like, I'm young enough that I'm not really afraid of like being super old and like dying, but I'm old enough that like I have pretty much come to terms and kind of what I'm doing with my life and what I want out of it and creating meaning and you're happy with it. Right. I mean, it's funny because like I feel like 44 is when you might have a midlife crisis if you were unhappy. I mean, I'm sure you see a lot of patience with a midlife crisis. Yeah, for sure. And do you feel like that comes when you get to a certain age where you're like, oh, I'm not young anymore. I'm now looking at my life.

I don't know if I actually like where I am at this point. Because it does feel more like set, I think, when you're in your 40s. You're like, this is my life. Right. It would be very hard to make a career change at this point. Not that you couldn't, but it would be hard to. You know, and it's interesting because sometimes I think like I am very content with my life. It's simple.

It's not, you know, we're not like doing a ton of super interesting traveling experiences or like really, you know, I'm not like going and volunteering and in foreign countries and like doing. There's some things that if I let my mind go there, I might be like I want this type of meaning in my life that I don't have. I mean, I really do generally just feel very content. with the simple life that that I've created for myself. But I think it's just an interesting perspective on like your mindset is your reality. Like I think if I was different and I was more seeking, I might be like,

I want to be, you know, volunteering more. I want to be, you know, traveling and healing the world a little bit more, doing things on a bigger scale. Perhaps I could see myself feeling missing something in that way. But I don't really, I don't, my mind just, doesn't naturally go there. It's not like a sticky thought for me. But I do think if you're seek, if you're the type of person that's going to be seeking, you can always kind of be seeking something. You know, like I, I'm going to take it while I have it. Right now, I feel very

happy in my like routine life that I have. Yes, I'm sure there are days where I'm like, oh gosh, all I do is like work and mom and then, you know, but overall I'm very grateful for that life. and both of those roles. I think it's because I love what I do for work, too, which is really helpful. Yeah. And you do help on a grand scale. Look at this show.

Yeah, this show is, it really is. I'm very thankful for this because it allows me to, you know, do what I do on a bigger scale than just, you know, I can only see so many patients in a week. Right. So this does allow me to help. I hope it helps people. I think you're very inspiring for 44.

Oh, thanks. I hope to be as content as you are in 10 years. It is funny how we're like pretty much almost exactly 10 years apart. I know. 10 years and two months. It's weird. It does feel like I get my insights into the decade ahead of me. Right.

Like a decade is an interesting marker. But it is weird because like I'm 44, but like I really feel like I could be the same like 25 year old that like just graduated college or whatever. Well, you look young. Oh, rightly. Thank you. Yeah.

Just wiser. Yes, I do feel wiser and just kind of like I have control of my mindset a little bit more, which feels nice. Well, it does feel like there's this period, like in your 30 is when you're like having kids or trying to have a kids where when it does feel like there's maybe like more unknown. And then I would imagine when that phase is done or at least when you're like done having kids, you can kind of be like, well, this is like, this is set now. Right. you kind of have a sense of who your kids are what they're right like yeah the full hand that you've been been dealt and totally and you're kind of like okay this is what it is and some and it's great you know you're very happy with that and I think that it's it's it's really great the mindset that

you have and I imagine some people without that mindset get to that point where like you can look at that in a totally different way where I'm like we're like oh this is set and now I'm terrified because nothing's ever going to change again. Yes, I think there is an aspect of that too. But I know that you can, you know, the world is always changing and you could do different things. And you know what's interesting, kind of unrelated but related. And this is just a vulnerable moment of me with you and I guess our listeners, which is

that as a therapist, I do help people through really hard stuff and like wrapping your mind around changes that you don't want to accept or things that are happening in your life. And sometimes I have this thought that's like I really am very blessed. And, you know, that I have, you know, a husband who's very loving. We have a wonderful relationship. I have healthy children. Like I'm financially stable. Like those three aspects just right there that a lot of people don't have.

And I, you know, I do understand how it might feel. Like how can you understand how it feels to not know if I'm, going to meet my person or how could you possibly understand what it feels like to not know if you're going to be able to have children or how could you understand how it feels to not have financial security and that you know I I do often think to myself like I try to embody everything that I talk to my patients about but I'm a real person and I you know I do wonder you know what how would it change the way that I work with people if I did have something God for forbid terrible happen or had to work around. And I've had, obviously, we've had, you know,

definitely, you know, a lot of family issues and childhood stuff that's, you know, impacted us both. But as far as like how it's turned out in terms of like having these big, stable life forces, I'm very aware of how blessed I am in those areas. And I do sometimes as a therapist wonder how it would affect me if I got knocked off my ass. Right. Which is an interesting thought, you know, and it's, you know, it's kind of a big deal, I guess, for me to share that on this show. You know, as a person who's a healer and I try to help people and I try to help with the mind and the mindset and training your brain and rewiring your brain, but I'm also very aware that I'm coming at it from a place where I am gifted a certain amount of stability in a lot of big picture

ways. So I'm very aware of that when I work with people and in my own meanderings of my mind, I sometimes go to this place of like, I wonder how it would, what would happen or what type of different therapists I would be if I wasn't in this position. Well, I almost feel like it is like you've already done the work to protect yourself against that throwing you totally off base. I mean, to an ex, as much as you possibly could with your like, some people wouldn't be like meditating if they felt like they had a happy life. Like I don't really do that stuff when things are going well.

Right, right, right. You're sort of like. Right. I wait until it's like too late. And then it's not as helpful. But I do think the fact that you already, you know, you do all that stuff makes you have this mind. Because it's not just like your circumstances.

You could have two people with the same exact set of circumstances and one person is miserable and they're focusing on the things that are lacking. And another person who is like super grateful and super happy. And I think that's true for literally any of your circumstances. Yes. Obviously it's a little easier when they're like, when they're clearer or they're seem like, like society, you know, you don't mean like you have three healthy kids and and loving husband and like financially stable like you said. But like I don't think that any situation is beyond someone

looking at it and saying like, I wish I had more or something different or totally and ruminating on that and not becoming their intrusive thought and then that becomes their way of living. So I don't think I know that I could jump in there and be like my life is so boring. It's the same thing every single day. Like I want something new. I want to, you know, I'm tired. of, you know, just whatever, like the life of a mom who's constantly taking care of people all day and, you know, just being a caretaker all the time. Like, I could go to that place and I'm sure people do, just being exhausted with whatever the nuances of their day are. So yeah, I think you could, I appreciate that. But, you know, I do have this thought of like, not that I'm wishing for it,

because I'm certainly, certainly not. But like, I wonder, like, what it was. would be like to be challenged in the way that some of my patients are really challenged on big picture existential things like not having a partner not having you know if you want to be a mother not being able to be a mother or a father or whatever you know dealing with like a major health crisis or these types of things so um I'm very aware of it and I do try to like practice and maintain that like you said even within the calm of it try to kind of maintain that sense of of peace and stability. But yeah, I didn't know that I was going to go there with this this morning.

Well, I think that's great. And it's a vulnerable thing to share. And I think that like, you know, the most you can do is just like you keep doing what you're doing. And, you know, practicing gratitude. Yes. Because again, like people can find flaws in anything or they can find beauty and anything.

It's like really depends on what your mindset is. So I feel like you've got the mindset down and you're going to, you'd be able to take whatever came your way. Yeah, I hope so. That's the that's the goal because I know that this universe spins around and shit's going to happen. So like I'm not, you know, that's exactly why I try to be very mindful and grateful of the little moments that make up my life instead of what many people do. And I do it sometimes do. We all do it. It's like finding the problem, finding the thing that you wish was different, finding the thing that could be a little bit better, or like trying to maximize, you know, your life in ways that ultimately don't matter.

Because then when you get that maximal thing, right, you're going to change the channel and want something else. Well, I think it's inspiring. But speaking of, you know, your mindset around life, we have something very exciting to announce. Oversharing has a new premium subscription version of the podcast that is available today. It's called Calm the Fuck Down. and it's our new guided meditation series so you can be as happy and content with your life as Dr. Naomi is.

I'm so excited about this. Speaking of like trying to help on a bigger picture level is like being able to give these, you know, short meditations for people to just kind of have access to, you know, some of what I do in my individual therapy and some ways to kind of reset your mind when it's kind of going off the rails. Yeah. I'm so excited about this. These are great meditations.

So here's what you're going to get if you subscribe to the premium version of oversharing. You will get ad-free listening, monthly guided meditations. Our first four guided meditations are already available right now. They're in your feed. And we'll have two new guided meditations every month. And these meditations are designed to help you through some of life's most difficult moments. So, like, we wanted to make these sort of moment specific. So they're not just general guided meditations.

They're ones to take you through very specific things that are happening to you. Because I didn't really feel like there's much out there for that. And I remember, you know, in the past going through getting broken up with or gearing myself up for like a first aid and always feeling very anxious and kind of wishing there was something that was tailored specifically to those moments to help me get through them or even like we're going to do so many more in the future like your wedding day or you're going to give birth to a baby or so much. many different moments that we all go through that it would just be great to have someone specifically speaking to you in that moment and what you're going through to get you to relax. Totally. And I have, you know, my individual patients will reach out to me by attacks when they're, you know, they have something big coming up or they're struggling and I'll kind of help them walk through it. So this is a way to get a little bit of that just whenever you need

it at your fingertips. Love it. And the first four topics are going to a family gathering. where you might have some tensions with family members, getting broken up with first dates, and hearing yourself up for difficult conversations with anyone in your life. So it's super easy to subscribe. You go to subscribe. Dot badges.com to sign up now. Or if you're listening in the Apple podcast app, you can just hit the subscribe button and double tap the side of your phone.

If you're not ready to commit, that's okay. We have a free seven-day trial so you can cancel if you decide it's not for you. And if you sign up for the annual subscription before the end of July, you'll be able to get the entire year for just 3599 instead of the $4.99 monthly price. Dr. Naomi and I recorded these together, and I have to say they are extremely calming. They really speak to the moment that you're in. And they just allow you to like relax, take a deep breath and really get perspective on really important moments in your life or moments that can be really stressful.

So I love doing these. They're so much fun. I know you guys are going to love them too. They're so relaxing and they'll really get you ready for whatever situation you're going into. Okay, so let's do our first oversharing email. I will read it. All right. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, love the pod and you're always thoughtful and grounded advice.

I'm 23 years old and moving in with my boyfriend when our leases end in about a month. We've been dating since early in college. We've been working and living in the real world for a year. so we feel ready and excited to take the next step. I am Indian American with stereotypical strict Indian parents. Surprisingly, my parents made little fuss when they found out about my white boyfriend and have met and like him. But since they had an arranged marriage, they have no idea what modern American dating entails.

They're delulu. Is that a, like... I don't know. I love it, though. Like, delusional. Let me look. Yeah, look it up before we laugh. Oh, no, you're right. That is really funny.

I'm going to use that all the time, though. I never heard that. Okay. I really like it, too. That's very funny. Okay. Just, I just, I feel much older than you are because I had no idea. Okay.

For example, I'm sure they think we haven't had sex yet. While, in fact, we started off as friends of benefits for months before dating, so that ship has sailed a long time ago. Anyway, I knew my parents would not approve of us moving in together. I told my mom a few months ago when we first decided making it clear I wasn't asking for permission, but just informing them of my decision. At the time, she wasn't thrilled, but she seemed relatively resigned. I hadn't heard anything since then and naively assumed they'd made their peace with it. Well, this past week, I flew back home for the 4th of July, the first time

I've seen them in person since dropping the news. They sat me down and told me that it was unacceptable to them. They tried everything in their disposal to convince me to not go through with it until marriage. They'd even pay me the rent difference to live alone. I pointed out that this is just how dating works today and that even some of my other brown couple of friends live together. I added that living with someone was a non-negotiable for me before any sort of engagement, so the only other option would be just to live forever alone and never get married. They said I was putting them in a bad position when relatives in India find out and that I was being disrespectful to them slash our culture.

I know they're out of touch and I'm not doing anything wrong, but I guess I'm just looking for reassurance. I now feel like a shitty daughter and like I'm opening the family up to gossip. Is it possible for me to navigate their concerns and still be sensitive of our culture while also standing my ground? Have either of you had to negotiate cultural slash moral issues with your parents like this? Thanks, a betch living in sin. Yeah, I think there's more people that go through this type of thing than probably are talking about it. Because, you know, I get it and you're not doing anything wrong. You're being open about it, which is great.

she could just kind of, you know, have not, not tell them. Yeah, and just kind of snuck around or, you know, I know a lot of people do take that route where they try just not to let their parents in on it. Like me and the Christmas tree. Exactly. Exactly. So yeah, you can relate to this on a small scale with that type of thing. Yeah, no, for sure.

And I mean, I think it's the kind of thing where it's like, even though you kind of know you're not doing anything wrong, it's still, you still feel, I see what she's saying, like that guilt. Like even with um, even with like being kosher, which we were raised kind of kosher. And I would always like up until I guess I still kind of do this where if I'm out to dinner with my dad, I'll like, not order something in front of him. Right. I'll order. I won't order anything on kosher in front of him because I'm like, I don't want to talk about it. Right. Right. Right. You don't want to comment. You don't want it. There's just it'll be like an awkward thick tension that would like enter the room at that point.

And it feels a little disrespectful, even though it shouldn't, right? Like, I guess, like, in a world where things are healthy, people should feel free to just do whatever works for them if it makes them happy. Right. But I guess it feels like you're, I don't know, I can see, I see what she's saying in terms of like you feel a little guilty, even though logically, you know you're not doing anything wrong. Right, right.

And I think it's a good opportunity. She's only 23 to start these conversations. conversations with her parents. And I think she can create some kind of balance here too. Obviously, she's said on this, she's doing it, but maybe she can kind of have the conversation in a way that's understanding of their feelings. I totally get it. I'd probably feel the same way too if I was, you know, grew up this way and my child was doing something that felt so foreign to me. I, you know, just validating their feelings, standing her ground that she's going to do it, but having an open dialogue about it because it does seem like for the parents, it's not even so much them.

It's more like the perception up to the rest of the family. Right. So what will others think. Yes. So I do think that that's part of it that maybe they would be open to communicating about and figuring out together like how much they want to tell the rest of their family if they feel like they're going to be judged or not. And I also feel like if she can reassure her parents that she's not going to throw away their

entire culture because she's taking this one step that is very important to her. It's not like she's going, you know, if she can say, you know, we're going to have these types of food in our house, we're going to have these types of decor or like these are the ways that we're going to continue to honor our culture. Maybe that might make them feel a little bit better that this, they might be feeling like, oh, she's, you know, she's American and now she's just going to absorb all these American culture, she's dating a white guy and she's going to throw everything away. So maybe just there is a temptation almost we spoke, I think last episode or the one before about, you know, when you're making a change or you're breaking away from like your own upbringing, there's a tendency to like go extreme

to one extreme, you know, the woman with the Catholic church or, you know, whatever it was. So I think if she can create some balance and say, this is really important to me to get to know somebody. in all aspects of who they are before I commit to marriage, but that doesn't mean that I'm throwing away our entire Indian culture. And we'd love to have you over for this holiday, or maybe you can come over and help me pick some decor that's aligned with Indian culture. Yeah, exactly. So I think this is probably one of many conversations that she's going to have with her parents on this.

And I think if she can try to stay mindful of where they are, hopefully the conversations will go a little bit better. But yeah, this is not an easy situation. I think like you're saying, there's sort of like a twofold reasoning behind in her parents thought process on this. And one of them I think is sympathetic and the other one feels less so. Right. Like the idea of, oh, you're going to like go marry a white guy, not maintain any aspects

of our culture and like you kind of feel like more estranged from us because of that. you're like rejecting the culture therefore you're rejecting us. I can see that and what you're saying makes a lot of sense. But then the part about like if people in India found out that you were doing this, that kind of seems like that's your problem. Like for you to deal with about like the fact that you value what all these people think rather than like me being my authentic itself. It kind of feels like I feel like it can feel a little bit insulting when a parent is like,

I care more about like what other people. think about you than about you doing something that makes you happy. If you'd prefer me to be doing something that makes me less happy because other people would think it's more appropriate. Right. And it puts her in this tough spot because it's kind of like she's making a moral judgment on her parents there where she's kind of saying like, why do you care so much? Or I guess what she would probably love to say is you have to figure out like how to not feel

shame in this because of what other people are going to think. and that's kind of your journey to take and how you can communicate with them honestly and say, like, I want my daughter to be happy and that's my priority. Right. But she can't really force them to do. That's a lot of work, right? That's probably like a whole upheaval for them. That she, I don't know that they would take very well.

But maybe she could be curious with them. Like, what are you, mom, what are you afraid of? Like, what's your fear here? You know, maybe she could just ask. them to speak a little bit more. And maybe as they're talking, they'll kind of be a little introspective about, well, what am I really afraid of? Do you ever get that with your kids of like, you kind of like, they want to do something

and you're kind of like, you know, I worry about what the world thinks of you doing this thing? Yeah, well, I guess, I mean, we spoke about, you know, Maddie wearing like a sports bra and shorts to the gym, right? And I'm kind of like, I don't know, you're nine. I just don't like the feeling of that. I don't know. I don't.

What is that? I guess it's, you know, maybe if I was introspective, if she said, well, what, mom, what's your fear about me wearing a sports bra and shorts to the gym? And I guess my fear would be that you would be like sexualized by adult people or anybody at a young age. Or you might be judged for letting her wear that. Yeah. Yeah.

That's true too. If I'm really digging deep, it is probably true what my fear is. But like even us just having this conversation now, I don't know that I was really thinking what's my like digging into what's my fear about that. And it's an interesting conversation for her to have just for her mom to become more insightful about what she's afraid of. So that might be a good way to go with it. It's just being curious with her parents instead of like telling them how to feel or trying

to fix them or just being dismissive and saying, I'm doing this, get over it. Yeah, I think there's a middle ground. But I do think like you can do that and do that. And depending on how like rigid the parents are, eventually you might just have to be like listen, you don't have to like it. It's okay if you don't like it. I'm okay with that. And I, you know, I respect that you don't like it. But what you can just respect is that I'm going to do it anyway. Right. And that you don't like it and that's okay. Like, well, there's some things that aren't the ideal situation. Totally. And I get it from the parents perspective. It's hard. I'm sure that they

had a feeling if they moved here from India that, and they raised their daughter here, that this was a potential for something that was going to happen, right? That she was going to, you know, you know, kind of become an American and do things that are culturally more American, like moving in together before you're married. So I'm sure that they're not, this isn't like totally out of the realm of possibility of what they thought. But I do think because she's young and she's growing up here, these are conversations that need to be had.

So this is probably just one of many that's going to happen in terms of like, you know, down the road if she does get married or children and how they're raised and all of that. So look at it as an opportunity to start these conversations in a healthy way. Be open, be curious. It would feel great if her mom was curious, you know, and asked her questions, like, why is it so important to you for you to live with somebody first? So she could have a space to say how she feels. That always feels good when it's like you're kind of in conflict with somebody about something

and they are curious and ask you and give you some space to talk about why you feel the way that feel. That feels really nice, even if they end up not agreeing with you. No, it does. And it's usually not the way those conversations go. It usually winds up being people just being more reinforced in their own beliefs. But I do think if you could like put your guard down in that sense and be like, even her for being like, okay, like this is what I want to do. I see nothing wrong with it. My parents are Delulu. It's easy to go in and just be like, these people are crazy. Like, I'm not moving. But I agree. Like if you try to understand the perspective, it doesn't mean you have to change what you're doing, but maybe it'll make you more sympathetic.

Right. And even just modeling this idea of being curious about someone else's perspective, I think that's like the best thing that anybody can do in any conflict situation. Sometimes it works. Like if you were like to your dad, if you ordered shrimp cocktail and, you know, you were kind of like to him like, what, what are you feeling right now? Like what's making you so uncomfortable? And he was able to say like, you know, I just always envisioned this for you or I feel distant from you or I feel, you know, that would be a really interesting conversation to have over a shrimp cocktail. Potentially would.

And he's paying. Not only am I ordering it, but you're paying. No, I agree. I think it could be. If both people are willing to go there, it only works really if it's like, if everyone is willing to sort of take their beliefs and open their mind to a different perspective. It's worth a shot. Give it a shot.

Let us know. Let's do a betraceous. Why don't you read this one? Okay. Dear Dr. Drodana and Dr. Naomi, thank you so much for the show. It's become my favorite podcast. Awesome. Here's my problem. I've been with my boyfriend for two years. We moved in together after about seven months and we have a dog together. I'm 29 and he's 30. I come from a family that's very close and we have a lot of family parties, get-togethers, etc. So my boyfriend has been around my family a lot, including extended family. Some of my family members have my boyfriend on Instagram. This is normally fine. with me and I've never had any issues with it in the past except for recently. One of my cousins routinely post sexy pictures on her Instagram story, pictures of herself in a thong, bikinis, pictures of her butt, etc. She's 21 years old and while I understand that she's just young and expressing herself, I can't help but not want my boyfriend to be seeing that when he's scrolling through his Instagram stories. This started to bother me so much that one day while we were hanging out in our bedroom, he was playing video games and I was Amazon shopping. I begrudgingly said,

I think I want to mute on your Instagram. I was embarrassed to bring it up because I hated feeling vulnerable and insecure about it since my boyfriend has never given me any reason not to trust him or doubt him. He doesn't follow that many people on Instagram, isn't someone who likes other girls' photos and really doesn't even post that often. He said, okay, that's fine. Mute her. So I said, let me see your phone.

He gave me his phone and I muted her. Let me see your phone is always a, not a, usually doesn't lead to anything good. Yes. But anyway, yeah. If you aren't familiar with the mute feature on Instagram, it gives you the option to mute both posts and stories. From what I remembered, I muted both. Fast forward to a couple of days ago, my mom had a party at a winery to celebrate her last day of chemo. And all of my family was there.

I just kept looking at how beautiful my cousin was and suddenly began to get insecure thinking. What if blank unmuted her stories? I held it in and didn't say anything. But the next day, we were on our way to my boyfriend's birthday dinner and I got a random urge to ask him about it. I said, did you unmute blank on Instagram? And he was like, what? I didn't unmute her. I don't even know how to do that. I've never muted or unmuted someone. So I said, okay, well, have you been able to see her stories pop up? To which he said yes. So I said, let me see her phone. So he gave it to me and I checked. And sure enough, her stories were

unmuted. I instantly became upset thinking that he unmuted her. I asked him several times how she got a muted and he kept saying, I don't know, I didn't do it. So maybe you just messed up when you went to go do it. Her posts were still muted, but the stories were not. We ended up getting into a huge fight over it with him being upset about being accused and me being upset because I feel like I for sure did mute her. So I don't understand how she became unmuted. At the end of the day, I realized this is my insecurity, but at the same time, I don't think it's appropriate for my boyfriend to see photos of my little cousin like that. And since I can't control her, I might as well shut it off on his end.

Here's why I'm upset. One, if he's telling the truth and he noticed that he was still able to view her stories after I said I was going to mute her, why didn't he just mute her himself? Should we address these one by one? Yeah, I guess we can address these one right. Okay. If he's telling the truth and he noticed that she was still able to view her stories. She should have like come and reported back or just muted them.

she should have come and just said oh wow i'm not supposed to be seeing this i should mute this i think that that's a lot to ask for someone who's not super social media savvy and like involved in it and not he's not thinking about this as deeply as you are he's just kind of like oh he probably doesn't even know if he doesn't mute or unnued anyone he probably doesn't even know what muting is supposed to do right like maybe he thought okay the stories you could see but I'm not seeing like the posts. I think he probably was not thinking about this at all. I'm sure he's probably seeing a lot of like half naked women and probably not thinking much of it.

That's like part of what people's Instagram is. Welcome to Instagram. Yes. So I think she's definitely thinking way more into this. So no, I don't think it's a, I don't think it's a fair expectation for him to be like, blinders, oh no, earmuffs. I shouldn't be seeing this. Like let me go and fix this.

situation. Well, can we almost address like the bigger issue here, which is I think that it's like the fact that she's trying to control what he's seeing online. Yes. It's like sort of the bigger issue here than I think whether he saw it or he didn't see it. Like they're focusing to me on sort of the wrong thing. And I get it feels like a little weird and like kind of creepy that like your boyfriend is following your cousin who's posting that. And again, it's not like he's, I would find it like less annoying than him following a random person. Like he's following her because she's your cousin, not because he thinks that... He likes the way her butt looks, yeah.

Yeah. And he's not like... You told him it makes you uncomfortable. He's not like insisting that he must look at it, which I think is also a good sign. Right. But also, like, there's no way to stop him from seeing things online. If he were messaging her something weird, I could see that being an issue. Even if he were like liking all of them, I could see that being like a little annoying,

sort of a gray area. but it seems like he's not really like doing anything wrong and I don't know I just feel like he's going to see it like he's got he's not going to see that he's going to see something else can't control everything he sees and like the bigger I think better thing psychologically would just be to accept that your boyfriend's going to see pictures of beautiful women from time to time and like even if he thought they were attractive it wouldn't be the end of the world yes I agree I definitely think that. I get why she's upset because it's kind of like if they're together at a party,

he like knows what her ass looks like and that's annoying. You know, like I could see that just being annoying. So I will validate why she's upset about this. I, you know, like I get it. But I also think this is one of those things where there's nothing she could do about it. And what she's done up until this point is more than enough. And like you said, the fact that he kind of was like, okay, fine, whatever, do it is fine. And he agreed to it, which I think is great because, yeah, it is a little weird and there's no reason why, you know, it just needs to insist on seeing it. Exactly. So I get why you're annoyed. I probably would feel similarly. If this was someone that we were interacting with and like you saw basically their whole body naked, especially and it sounds like she's really. beautiful and she maybe feels like a little insecure about that or whatever it is. So,

um, but I think you got to change the channel and just feel good that he didn't fight you on it. And, but I don't think that he needed to come and, you know, make sure that all the images were completely cleansed from his Instagram. So that's the, that's the answer to question number one. Let's see if what question number two says. If he did unmute her, this is super, not only because it means that he wanted to continue viewing her stories, but also because of how much he has lied about about it to me at this point. He's adamant that he did not do it. So this makes me really anxious going over it again and again in my mind. I guess her intrusive thoughts here are that he went back, unmuted her, which makes him like really want to see it because he went out of his way

to unmute her. And that's what's playing in her head like, oh, he's. like obsessed with her, I guess is sort of like the worst fear. And again, she seems to have like, I don't know about jealous, but she seems like a little, you know, hyper focused on the beautiful her cousin. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. So yeah, I mean, I do think that that's exactly. There's like a, there's like a patterned rumination about her boyfriend thinking about this woman. And look, maybe the conversation with the boyfriend needs to be about more than the cousin and the Instagram. It needs to be just like a general feeling of like I feel insecure about this thing. And maybe he can say something that makes her feel really beautiful or maybe he'll say something that can like

reassure her that he has no thoughts about this cousin or that she's like, you know, I mean, he's 30. She's 21. It's like a different, a whole different stage of life. And like I don't think that this is someone that he's like probably obsessing over and she has no real reason to believe that he is. So yes, there's going to be beautiful women that he's going to see half naked for the rest of his life. That's just the culture that we live in. Well, yeah, that's what I'm also saying. Like, it's kind of like even if in the word, her worst fear that he sees the pictures and he feels a certain kind of way. Right.

Like, you know, he finds her attractive. Right. Which is probably true. Right. Because it sounds like she's objectively attracted. Right. Like, just like when he watches a movie, he sees an actress that's sort of like objectively. like I would almost like play that out right okay he sees the pictures of my cousin he thinks

she's hot and then what right and then like he moves on about his day right and even if she's in person and he you know she maybe the fear is that when she's in person he's going to be like thinking sexual thoughts about her because he's seen her in this sexual light so you know I think again he's already seen her though You've already seen the pictures. Right. The ship is down. Totally.

Totally. You can't unsee the pictures. Right. Yeah, I agree. I think playing it out being like, okay, so he like finds her attractive or, you know, he thinks that she's beautiful or even has like a sexual thought about her. Right. Sure.

Yeah. That's probably like her worst case scenario. But the truth is like that may happen with her or with anyone else, a coworker, you know, anyone that he sees anywhere that's attractive. if he may have that thought, if he's treating you well, if he's making you feel beautiful, if he's making you feel like he's attracted to you, I would, you know, kind of shift the focus to what you are getting from him. And I think despite what maybe societally like feels like sort of as implied, I think that people

in relationships with people value more than just them having the best ass around or like looking the hottest they can possibly be. Like I'm sure there's a lot of things that like about you. even if they're not exactly one to one on there that he finds more appealing about you because he's with you just remember he's like dating you yeah he's dating you and he even i mean even the fact that he was like sure go ahead take my phone do whatever is going to make you feel better i think was really kind of him because he probably realized that there was something that was bugging you and it was no skin off his back to make you feel better about it so that shows that he really cares for you i would

i wouldn't continue down the path of like the muting unmuting i honestly I don't know. I'm not there, but my hunch is he did not unmute her just so he could look at her and then lie to you about it. That's my guess. I agree. To give him like the smallest benefit of the doubt. Yeah. I don't think that that's probably what happened. Um, you know, so I would just have a conversation with him about it because I think there is something that's brewing there and maybe you guys can get deep and he can be like, yeah, sometimes. I see other women and I find them attractive, but these are the reasons why I'm with you. These are the things that I love about you. These are the things that make me feel like we have a deep connection outside of, you know, you look great in a bikini, which you also do or whatever he wants to say. Yeah. I would say it's an unrealistic expectation that the person you're dating or eventually marry or with that never finds anyone else attractive. Yeah. Or sees a picture of someone on the internet that they makes them feel a certain way sexually right and when you start going down

this rabbit hole maybe one day you have a friend or you have a co-worker and they're you know you're never going to be able to cleanse him his eyes of all other flesh um but yours so i i totally agree and i love the idea of play it out what's the worst case scenario and realizing that the worst case scenario is probably not that bad if he looks at your cousin and he's like oh she's hot Okay, he thinks your cousin's hot. I'm sure that you think other people are attractive as well. Doesn't mean you want to break up with him and go be with them. Right.

I guess also it's just kind of like this method of trying to control it is very tiring and I don't think will work for you long term. It's going to be exhausting. I agree. Let's do some intentions. All right. You want to read it? Okay.

Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I'm a huge fan to look forward to the pot every week. I could use your help setting an intention for a situation that has been making me sad and anxious. I'm in my mid-20s and I've always been really into exercising. In the past, I've had a disordered relationship with food and exercise, but in the past three years, I have worked hard to achieve a healthy, restriction-free relationship with health and fitness. However, I do still really like working out, particularly weightlifting. I've always been insecure about my legs, but weightlifting and getting stronger has helped me move past this insecurity mostly. A month ago, I injured my back.

It has prevented me from exercising as I would normally. I can't lift anything heavy without severe pain. This is mostly impacting my usual leg workout, so I have now gone several weeks without doing the twice a week squats, deadlifts, et cetera, that I would normally do. I've been really upset about this situation, like maybe unreasonably so. I'm starting to feel negative thoughts about the way my legs look creep into my mind. I'm terrified that this past month of rest has made me lose all of my strength I've worked so hard for. To make it worse, my injury is not improved, and it's looking like I will need several more months of rest. I can't help but feel sorry for myself. It's summer, the time where everyone wants to be feeling and looking good. And here I am unable to exercise the way I want

to. And I'm just feeling generally shitty about it. Most of all, I'm concerned that I'm going to fall back into unhealthy patterns like working out twice a day and planning everything I eat. I would love any intentions you have for me as I do my best to let my body heal. Sincerely can't rest, batch. Yeah, it sounds like she is, she has found a way. to effectively manage her body image stuff and her potential like over-exercising or eating, um, disordered eating. And that method is not working anymore. So now she's like really scared to get back into just not treating her body well or becoming obsessive about weight and food and exercise and all that stuff, which I really totally get. And I think for someone that really

values exercise and how I'm sure there's an aspect she didn't say this, but like just makes you feel good. It makes you feel like, you know, there's stuff that you can kind of control about your health and your appearance and endorphins and all the great stuff about exercise. So I, I feel like this is a loss for her at this point. And I can really validate that it's just making her feel like I don't know how to continue to care for myself because this method that really was working well for a long time is not an option anymore. Right. And then I think that she's now also lost like the mental benefits of being able to work out, which is probably like a part of it too, which made her feel good, which then again is like spiraling into itself. Right. And I can relate to this because I,

you know, I feel like I also personally will find an exercise thing that I get really into and like it inspires something. And I'm like, oh my gosh, I love whatever it is. Like in Pilates. I was like, obsessed with Pilates for a while. And I was like, this is the workout for me. It's perfect. I loved it for all these reasons. And then something happens. Like the Pilates studio raises their prices or it's too expensive or, you know, in this case, an injury or something where you just can't do it anymore. And then it's like the, the challenge is how to be flexible. Because it does sound like she can still move her body. She can probably still exercise. I just don't think that she can like push weight the way that she was doing, which was like this very specific thing that she found weightlifting that was like worked with everything that she was

struggling with. Yeah. So I do think that this is a great opportunity for her to find some flexibility and say like, okay, maybe I can't do this particular thing, but maybe she can swim or maybe she can, you know, I don't know, whatever, do some gentle chair yoga or something that to her probably feels like that's not enough or that's not going to fix this leg thing or that's not going to I've worked so hard to gain this strength in this particular area. And I feel like it's all going to be lost.

So I get why she's resistant to this change. But I think this is, again, in some ways, this perfect, like the universe is sending her this challenge at this time to keep pushing her growth. Because if it's just all easy and the train just keeps moving down the track, you're not really finding your edge of discomfort in order to find that growth. You know, like we always talk about the only way you can grow, really grow, is when you're uncomfortable. So I think this is being sent to her for a reason. Or like destabilized a little bit. Yes. Exactly. And yeah, no, I think it's, it's very interesting because it does kind of take her, because exercise can feel like that way,

in a lot of the messaging around exercise. It's like you can't drop the ball. Like you must continue you exercising or you'll lose all your muscle tone or you're like it feels like you have to be in forever for life constantly like four or five days a week right or why bother right which is not like really the case i felt that too especially like i'm now in an apartment on long island and i used to walk every day just like take a walk and like decompress and listen to a podcast and i haven't done that because i live like on the side of like a main road here so i'm not doing that but i kind of feel the same way where i'm like can i will i be able to get back into that when i move somewhere with like that's more walkable like have I sort of like what's the point like it kind of feels like an

all or nothing experience a lot of the time right and if you if you're doing something that's like you know like her like weightlifting or something where you're really like or running for example like where you've pushed yourself past that point where you're like I've achieved this success and this thing and now I have to start from scratch again um whether it's like now I'm not going to be able to lift as much. And yes, that's probably what's going to happen. If and when you get back to this, you're probably going to have to start from scratch. But I think the bigger picture for her is what I hope she can kind of open her mind to and focus on that it's not about the goal really isn't being able to deadlift a certain amount of weight or being able to squat it. That's like a,

that's like a micro goal that she has. The big picture, I think, for her is being able to have a healthy relationship with her body, being able to take care of her body, being able to have a healthy relationship with exercise and food. That's the bigger picture goal. And so I think this challenge is being sent to her for a reason that she's kind of needing to say, okay, I'm being sent to challenge. I figured, I thought I figured this out. And now the universe is coming and smacking everything out of whack to force me to realize that like I'm never going to have it all figured out. The bigger picture.

Yeah. Right. And I mean, it's tough because, like, in an ideal world, she would look at this period of time and be like, what a great opportunity to, like, rest. Yes. Right. Like a forced rest. Mm-hmm.

And sometimes the forced rest can, you want to, like, fight it because you're so afraid of what happens if you take your eye off the ball. But, like, if you could actually lean into the rest, then when you're done resting, you could actually be re-energized instead of being, coming at it from this, like, your mentality. Totally. And realizing that like this rest period can open up a brand new door to something that she never knew. Like maybe she could, you know, have a new, like I think sometimes people get very rigid, especially when it comes to like exercise and diet and things like this where you feel like you have to be very controlled. People get very rigid like this is working. Don't stop. Don't get off

the train. Like I need to keep going. This is working. And it does create this rigidity where if something happens, you're totally thrown off balance, this is going to be a strengthening exercise for her resilience, not for her body, but for her ability to be flexible and change. And maybe she learns that she loves swimming. Or maybe she learns that she, you know,

I don't know, whatever other exercise that her doctors are telling her that she can do or just meditation or something that is going to strengthen another aspect of yourself that you're being kind of forced into. So the intention that I wrote for her that maybe she can remind herself of is this setback is a necessary part of my journey to truly honor my body because I think that's what she's really looking for and truly honoring your body does ideally include exercise and proper nutrition and proper rest and all of those things.

But I think what she needed the push in is to be able to honor her body in times of rest and in times of, you know, lifting the most weight she's ever lifted on a day or whatever her goals are. I also wrote something that, you know, might help her, which is I will embrace this chance to strengthen my resilience. Because strengthening your resilience is the most important thing that you can do for yourself, because you're never going to be able to control the external world of what happens around you. So anytime you can get knocked on your ass and then stop and breathe and say, say, okay, I have to be flexible here. What are my options and how can I, you know, I get it. She might have to have a cry, you know, she might have to feel like I gained all this strength. I was able to do all this. I was able to lift all this. I felt so proud of myself and I'm not going to

be able to do that for a while. Or if the case is, she might not be able to do it ever, let's say worst case scenario. And I've worked with athletes that their whole life, they're like, this is their whole identity is that they are, you know, a soccer player, whatever it is. And then they get to be, you know, at 23, they tear their ACL and like, that's it. They can't do that anymore. And there's a real grief process in that. Like, I've worked with people where they really have to work through, like, what is my identity if it's not a soccer player, you know?

Right. I don't know that that's exactly where she is, but I do think that she found a way to, you know, kind of honor her body and love herself and love, you know, the idea of feeling strong and healthy. So you can still have that concept of feeling strong and healthy. Right now, maybe that strength is not going to be in your muscles. Maybe it's going to be in your resilience, in your flexibility, in your, you know, mind. Or maybe literally in your body. Maybe you work on your flexibility at this point instead of your strength. So just being able to kind of shift and move and I know this feels really hard for her, but I think this is a blessing in disguise

and it's going to serve you the rest of your life. If you can stop and embrace this chance to strengthen your resilience, what are your options? What can you still do? And lean into that and see if you can find meaning in it. So I do like this question. Ride the wave, as you said. Yeah. Of uncertainty. Yes. Love it. You're going to start writing the intentions. Look at me. I don't know if I'm there yet. Let's do some triggers. You ready? All right.

Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I have a recent situation with a friend that I'd like to get your thoughts on. My best friend and I have always agreed that our 30th birthdays would be like our bachelor's party if we're still single then. So for her 30th birthday in December, she decided to have a bachelor's type trip abroad. The trip ended up being very expensive and pretty out of my comfort zone since I didn't know her other friends who went. We lived in separate cities since college and the other girls who went were all

friends from her new city who I hadn't met. before. Of course, I was still happy to go since I knew how important this birthday was for her. Since then, we've talked about going to Turkey for my 30th since we both always really wanted to go there. Since it's about six weeks away now, I asked her which flights she was planning to book and she replied saying, quote, unfortunately, I don't think I can go and gave me a clearly BS excuse about not wanting to leave her cats because she'll have recently moved. I'm not sure how to feel about this because on the one hand, I know it's not fair to expect someone to go on a trip just for my birthday. On the other hand, I chose this destination because we've been talking for years about going there

together and I'm upset that I prioritize doing what she wanted to do for her birthday and that she clearly didn't do the same for me. It would be different if she had said something along the lines of, I'm sorry, I really wanted to go, but unfortunately can't because of X, instead of making up a lame excuse to get out of going. Do I have a right to be triggered by this? or am I being selfish in expecting her to travel with me from my 30th, sincerely, a lonely, soon to be 30-year-old?

I think this is a little triggering. I could see that. Yeah. Where she's like, we had this packed. I was like all in it for you. And then it doesn't seem like you care that much when it comes to my turn. Totally. I think this is triggering too.

If she hadn't gone away for her 30th, then I would say, okay, whatever, this isn't going to work out and no big deal. And you guys should just like, you know, do something local or whatever. Like the momentum. They had lost the momentum on the 30th bachelorette thing. But she already like, she did it for her. She went. And I could see it seems like very unfair and like dismissed.

Again, it wasn't like she was like, if she had said like wound up spending a lot more on the one that we did for mine. And like I just don't know if I can afford to do another one at this point. But let's go in a couple. Let's go in a couple of years. when I've financially recovered. Yes. Or I would be like, that makes sense. Yes.

Okay. That's what I think she's saying here. She just wants the truth. I mean, the excuse about the cats seems, I agree, like a little. Lame. Yeah, I get it. I don't have cats, but I, you know, whatever. Even if she said, I can't go on your actual birthday because of my cats.

Maybe we could go a month later once they've adjusted to the new place or something. Just to say we're canceling the whole thing based on the cats and the timing. And to say it so casually, I think is annoying too. Like, unfortunately, I don't think I can go. So, right. I think people want to feel like even if, and that goes for anything that someone's declining to do. You want to feel like the person actually want, it's more about feeling like the person

wanted to do it or wanted to be there or wanted to celebrate you more than the actual even like attendance. Right. And just acknowledgement of the fact that they kind of had a deal and she broke it, I think would feel nice. Right. I think she can say that too. I think she can like, I would give her a call.

I wouldn't text it. And I'd be like, it kind of hurt my feelings that I feel like we had discussed doing this thing. And I was really excited to do it for yours. And we did it. And then when it came time for me, it just didn't seem like you cared that much. And it was a little hurt for it. Right.

And even calling it out and just being like, look, if it's about the cats, let's pick a different time. You know, it doesn't have to be on my actual birthday. Like we can do it maybe a month later or whatever works for you. Or even if it's about the location. Like maybe it is too expensive. Like I just want to know like what's really going on because I still would like to do something for my birthday. And I actually, you know, like I just want to say, I love the idea of not having to have every big trip and everything revolve around getting married and getting engaged.

Like I love the fact that they're doing this for their 30th instead of totally having it to be like, okay, well, we're just going to wait until you're getting married to celebrate and do a big trip together. So I love that they're doing this. I think they should, you know, find a way to make it happen. If it's not turkey, if it's not that exact day. So, yeah, I think this is a great opportunity to express how you feel, let her know. And yes, triggering. And I think it wouldn't be insane if she did come out like back, like what you said, with a genuine excuse that was, because it is expensive to do too big.

They were talking about doing these two trips to their boat. They're turning 30 at the same time. I can see where she'd be like. This is actually kind of a stretch financially to do two of these or it might be more fun to like spread these out. But she might feel weird saying that. So she's just backing out when I think if you're going to have a genuine friendship, you need to sort of address it head on. Totally. Yeah, I agree.

But I feel like this is triggering because she spent money, went away with a group of girls. It wasn't like probably wouldn't be her top choice of people to go and spend money and go away with. So yeah, I give this like a, I don't know. Six, seven? Yeah, I was thinking that. Six, seven. Yeah. Go tell her off and let us know how about this.

Okay, let's do one more. All right. You ready? Okay. I'll read it. I love the podcast and it's both insightful and hilarious. Jumping right into my triggered scenario, my hairdresser posted after photos showcasing my new hair extensions on her Instagram. However, she edited my face with an AI filter.

I looked like a completely different person. In the picture, I've extremely large lips. and a much smaller nose and different facial structure overall. The filter is quite obvious and warped some of my hair. Should I be triggered and offended that my hairdresser felt the need to do this? I usually treat my hair appointments like a spa day and I don't wear makeup or dress up. Hair extensions take hours and hours to install. I could understand smoothing skin or even adding makeup,

but giving your client a whole new face seems excessive. Not to mention it was the first time this hairdresser ever did my hair and I was kind enough to participate in a lengthy photo shoot after my hair was done. Am I right to feel a little triggered? Would you go back to this hairdresser? Betch with a bad edit. Yeah, this is annoying. This is weird, yeah.

I think anyone filtering you is insulting. Yes. Like, if you want to filter yourself, you have your own insecurities, fine. But I think if someone else is going through the trouble to filter you, like they're saying that your face isn't good enough to be like as is on their story, I find that to be insulting. Yeah, I totally agree. And I just feel like I see why she's annoyed.

It's like if you didn't like the way I looked, then you should have picked someone else to model for you. You know, like to pick me, have me go through this lengthy photo shoot so that you could edit my face. Yeah, I could see why this is annoying.

And I probably would not want to go back to this person. Yeah. I think it's just triggering to have anyone say like you, your face as it is. It's just not acceptable enough. for my feed. Yes. Like she's like she's a bog at it.

Right. Totally. Yeah. I mean, not only I feel like would it be okay not to go back to her, but I'm impressed that she's like resisting the urge to really say something to her. Like, you know.

I think I would let it go. Yeah. Because I'd be like it's not someone that I probably, I assume this is not someone she, that a bunch of people she know follows. So it's like her audience. Right. I wouldn't really like know the difference.

And it's not a friend of hers where she's like personally offended by. it or like feels you know like she has to have a relationship with this person now that she felt so insulted by yeah her hair looks great i'll tell her that yeah that's if that's her real hair i don't know yeah um uh but i would untag i think you could do a lot i would i would go about the super passive aggressively i would just like untag and make sure no one saw it on my own feet right and then maybe like unfollow her yeah and not go back but i don't think i would say anything because It's just kind of like, I don't know how many people are going to see it or even know it's you and it is annoying. But I think these things say so much more about the person doing them than about you.

Like she's probably internalizing it as like, this woman thinks I'm like not, I'm like too ugly to be on her feed. Right. Or something like that. And I find that people who are doing excessive editing of like if they're doing that to you, I'm sure she'd probably see what she's doing to herself. Yes. For sure. And I think it's just like an insecurity with being able to. to present as themselves online with any flaws. And I do think the filters are bad in that way because they sort of encourage people to like think that their,

their own natural face is just could be enhanced all the time. Totally. Yes, totally. I totally agree. And I think it's like a problem with society in general and this other person. And I think that you should just like stay in your path of this is me. and I think I'm beautiful, and I'm sure that you're beautiful without these edits. You do not, you know, I wouldn't go down that rabbit hole thinking about, you know, how this,

you know, what this means about you. Like you said, it's much more about her. It's so funny. I was actually going to send you, maybe I'll still send it to you. Lila and Maddie, my two daughters who are, we've talked about them, her nine and 11, had this really interesting conversation in the car and I like sneakily recorded it. they were talking yeah i'll send it to you they were talking about like making how invasive yeah but i just it was just for me i was actually recording it like for you to hear it because i thought you would find

it so interesting it was about makeup and like why people wear makeup and right lila was basically like trying to convince her like if everyone just stopped wearing makeup then everyone would stop thinking that they needed to like look to this certain level and then like nobody would really need it because nobody would really be like comparing themselves to this kind of unrealistic expectation of what you look like when you wear makeup. And so everyone would just feel better about themselves. And Maddie was sort of like, well, I wear makeup because it makes me feel good about myself. And it was so cute.

I'm going to send it to you. It was like really just such an adorable. She was like, it just makes me feel better about myself. And when I, like if I walk past the mirror and I look at myself, I feel like I look great. And she was like being, she was like the voice of a lot of women where she was like, sometimes I just don't like the way my face looks. And I was like, oh, you know, but Lila was like, but what you don't understand is the reason you don't like the way your face looks is because you're comparing it to everyone that

you see all the time in magazines and everywhere that is wearing makeup. So you're comparing your regular normal face to like these edited makeup faces. So if everyone just stopped, then you wouldn't feel that way. kind of like let's break it down to the basics of why you even feel that way, which was, it was just a really, very insightful conversation among such young girls. Totally. That's why I recorded it. It was so insightful, the whole concept of like becoming aware of like how you feel and why

you feel insecure about certain aspects of yourself. And I think they're both right. Yeah. Totally. Like, it's kind of like that I've discussed, I don't know which week it was, but we'd previously discuss someone, you know, who didn't want to do Botox because they're like, it's anti-feminist. I don't like that it's marketed to women and I don't like that it's, you know, we can't be okay with our own faces. And then we were kind of like, but if it makes, you know, yes, it's sort of like,

I think it's a very difficult position in life to put yourself as like, because if we all did everything on principle constantly, it would be kind of an exhausting life because we don't live in a society like the, like at the perfect ideal, you. Utopia. We live in the society that we live in. So it's like we could rebel against it a lot, which can be exhausting. And I think it's admirable. And I always see people who are like doing that. And I'm kind of like, it's impressive. But I'm like, I don't know if I have the energy. I might just like want to put on some escarral. Right. It's exhausting. It's kind of like if you can't beat them, join them. But then you're like part of the problem. You know, like Lila was saying, I think

everybody should just get a hairbrush and some water. And that's it. She's like, I don't think you should walk around with like Carl Marx over here. I don't think you should walk around with like a total, like looking like a total tangled disaster. But like let's, even the playing field, you get a hairbrush. You could use water and that's it. Other than that, let your natural beauty shine. It was very cute. That is very cute.

But yeah, I get that idea of like, do you want to be kind of become part of the problem by buying into the filters and all the stuff to keep up and compete with everyone else that's doing it? or do you want to be real? So I get it. And to this listener, like, I love. I think it's about those, like, micro decisions. Yes. A lot of the times. Yeah.

Like, I'll use the Paris filter on Instagram story. I don't know if you know what that is. No, I don't. It's like, you just like smooths a little bit. Right. Okay. Yeah. And I'm like, I look a little better.

I'm not like doing AI stuff. But like, maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe I'm still part of the problem. Right. But I'm kind of like, if I just, if I live, it's so, literally, it just you swipe one way. And it just like makes your skin like a little. smoother. Totally. So I'm kind of like, I'm probably like maybe I shouldn't do this, but it's just easy. And I like this picture a lot better. And I don't know, it's a slippery slope. So well, you know, you create a good balance. I

think because even for someone like you where you're like very open about your, you know, personal life and like struggles that you're having with getting pregnant or whatever. And you're like being really real and you're letting people know like on a bigger level like realness. So if you swipe and you cover, you know, pimple or you make yourself look a little brighter. I think you're, you're having a nice balance of like not being a total phony, making it seem like your whole life is completely perfect, like owning up to stuff, which then I think just allows other people to feel more vulnerable. So I think you're, you're doing it in a way that's like important on a bigger scale than like, all right, I want to look a little fresh in this picture. I appreciate that. Yeah. But I'm saying no, I don't think, I think very few

people are totally immune from any sort of enhancing desire. Yes. Because, you know, it's hard to live in the world. Like, Lylis, it's hard. Everyone else is doing it. So if you're not doing it, then it seems like you're almost like beneath, but you're really just, you know, not playing the game. Whenever I meet someone who can get away with like not doing that or, you know,

does have the long gray hair like you talked about. Right. Doesn't wear any makeup anywhere. I'm jealous of them. the confidence that they have. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I hope they hang on to that for as long as possible. Right.

I think Amy Schumer once had that, a funny commentary on that where she like, I guess she did like some sort of nude photo shoot and she was getting all these comments that it was like brave. And she's like, that's not really like what you want to hear. Right. Right, right.

I wasn't going for brave. I was going for hot. Right. That's funny. But anyway, I think we, you know, All that balance. Totally. And I mean,

I appreciate her writing in on this because I think it's a bigger picture issue than just, you know, this one hairstylist and this one edit. It's like this bigger cultural thing of like, when does it stop? And then when can we just like lower the bar and realize that everybody has imperfections and kind of embrace them? Like I think there is that place sometimes.

And like sometimes I try to do that personally with my aging, you know, where I'm kind of like, I just feel the urge to embrace it. And then there are other times where I'm kind of like I feel proud almost in like embracing that and feeling like there's something that feels good about like not fighting against that all the time. It's kind of like what you said where like your thoughts are not like permanent states of being. Like you can have the two different thoughts about the same thing on a totally different day.

Like sometimes I'll put up a picture and I want to put up a pic, I post a feed picture where I like, feel like I look great. And other times I have a picture where I'm like, I look like I'm having a lot of fun. And I'm like, this is, it feels like a more genuine picture. Yes. And I put it up and I feel like good that I'm like being real. And then the next day I'm like, I look at that picture again. I'm like, I really don't like the way like my arm looks in that picture.

I can't believe I put it up even though I look like I'm having fun. Like I know I just, this is up permanently and everyone can see it. Right. I'm the only one who's going back to this picture. But I think that it's funny because like you could have the same feeling just depends on the day just like a completely different feeling on the same thing. So, you know, none, I don't know if any of them people, I think it, you everyone has this urge to like be in this permanent state of like, I'm above that. Or I don't, you know what I mean? I'm not someone who does

that. Yes. Or I am someone who does that and I don't think, I think it's totally fine all the time. When really it's kind of like, it kind of depends on the moment. Yep. A hundred percent. I totally great. But I do feel personally, like my, when I'm in my best mindset, when I'm being mindful, when I've spent time meditating, when I'm taking good care of like my mind and my body and my soul, those are the times, this is just personally for me, those are the times when I feel the urge to embrace my real self and to just like feel proud of accepting myself. I feel like the times when I'm like looking at other people and wanting something different than what I have or wanting to look like someone else or feel younger again or feel more perfect or fit or whatever

are the times when I'm usually not doing enough of the like internal work yes like caring for myself meditating accepting like all the stuff that we talk about on here so and not always you know not always it does like come randomly sometimes but I think I've noticed that pattern just for myself. I could see that. Yeah. That makes sense. But I think you do, you also do a very good line, I think of, you know, embracing who you are. Yeah. And look, I know as, you know, many people do, and I don't ever take for granted the fact that I feel blessed in a lot of ways and like that I, you know, I'm healthy and I don't have any, you know, major health issues or any deformities or anything that, you know, would make like loving myself, you know, easy compared to other people.

So, you know, I think that that's another aspect of it, too, that people are dealing with just different things that, you know, even like a, you know, a teenager that's dealing with, like, really bad acne or something like that. It's kind of like there are things that are there all the time that are hard to kind of, you know, rise above and kind of realize like, okay, I'm going to accept this about myself. and still kind of focus on the parts of myself that are the big picture stuff. But that's, it's not easy, like you said.

Comes in waves. Right. Some days are more confident than others. Totally. All right. Well, I think that's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales Puccoe, and Rebecca Sousalz

McCown. Editing by Marley-Friedlender. Send your advice emails to Oversharing at Betches.com. We'll leave us a voicemail at 646, 363. 6294. Betches.