Oversharing - Help! I Don’t Have Any Friends

Episode Date: November 1, 2022

How do people actually find a therapist they like? Is everyone just sticking with the first therapist they find, or is it better to hunt around until someone sticks? Jordana and Naomi start with a convo about intention-setting and the challenge of searching for a good match in therapy. Then a listener writes in with an Overshare email all about flaky friends and the struggle to find meaningful friendships. What do you do if you’re feeling lonely and struggling to make friends you can rely on? Next, they answer a Betchicist email from a kosher bride whose in-laws insist on serving bacon at her after-wedding brunch. Do you have the right to dictate the menu at an event you’re not paying for? They close the show with a trio of Triggered scenarios including a forgotten birthday, an unsolicited plastic surgery offer, and getting called “sweetie” at work. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How's it going?

Deep into fall. Deep into fall. It's a gloomy day here today. Rainy, which I guess we needed. but I've been doing a lot of tough as a therapist sometimes. And I never really talk about this from my end as a therapist that I went into this because I really want to help people. So there are those days and weeks where it just sometimes feels like you're not helping as

much as you'd want to or I feel kind of stuck with some patients. And that's why when we had the episode about the ketamine therapy, it's so exciting to me because I'm sort of like, maybe this is something that I can have in my toolbox that I can help those people that are stuck. So it feels really exciting to me. But when I know that a lot of people are not comfortable with that, I understand the risks and why. And one of the things that I was thinking about when we were talking about that type of therapy is the idea of part of it is creating an intention. That was a big part of what the process, where you sit down with your therapist and you create an intention. And then you sort of spend the time, like, meditating on this intention. So maybe there's a

variable there where, yes, maybe it's the ketamine, but maybe it is also just, like, setting this intention and, like, really focusing and using that time to kind of meditate on this specific intention that a therapist has created for you. And I talk to a lot of patients about mantras. So it's a kind of similar thing, like come up with a mantra, something you're ready to have in that moment when things feel difficult. Yeah, I agree. I think ketamine definitely, it sounds, I mean, I love the episode. We got a lot of really positive feedback for it.

And I think a lot of the listeners really liked it too. I do feel like I kind of agree, like maybe like a very similar result could be made. I've seen like career coaches and therapists. And I think part of like part of the issue is that like you don't really want to talk about things that you don't have figured out because it's like a more stressful. So you go into, sometimes you go into like therapy or like a coaching session and, oh, you just talk about the thing that like you love indulging in. Like for me, that was always relationships or kind of the same stuff we talk about here. But maybe it wasn't like career focused stuff where I was like, I don't really know.

That's sort of like the thing you should talk about the most. But you don't wind up talking about it. But I think if the person like can bring it out for you in an environment where there's no distractions where you're like, bully and wholly there, which might be slightly more difficult to do over like Zoom. Yes. I think it probably is helpful. But I think if you could eliminate all distractions and just have to like look at the person in the face and they can't see like your phone, like that you're like glancing down at

or something like that. Right. I think I'm sure it wouldn't be completely as good as ketamine, but I feel like it might be close. Right. Because it is something you're doing in person and you're kind of like bearing it all down to one specific thing. this is what it is because I do agree the stuff that sometimes thinking, analyzing like for you

about relationships, it's like scratching an itch. It almost like feels good. It feels good. Yeah. But it's really not helpful a lot of the times to keep talking about the same things with your therapist over and over again, like the same topics, the same themes. The ruminating and the conversation about it, it's exactly what they're talking about in the ketamine therapy. be like you're just rehearsing that same part of your brain over and over again, almost ingraining the patterns sometimes. So I think, you know, one thing that I thought might be helpful for the listeners, if anybody was open to submitting some information to try to have us work on kind of streamlining for them and helping them create an intention. So what I would be interested to do to help some of the

listeners is if you notice that there's these pattern thoughts, patterns in your life, behavior patterns or thinking patterns or, you know, types of relationships you keep finding yourselves and types of arguments you keep having, types of thoughts that keep going through your head. And you can figure out what these are by just writing them down. A lot of times I tell patients, when you go through your day, just write down the thoughts that you're having. And you'll start to notice after a while, there's like 20 repeating thoughts that keep coming through every day, yesterday, today, tomorrow. And they're going to be there a week from now. So if you notice what your patterns are in your thinking. And the other big one, I think, in coming up with like a streamlined

sort of guideline for how you can proceed with some intention in your life, is figuring out what your fears are. If you think, like, what am I really afraid of? Whatever it is. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of not being successful. I'm afraid of, I don't know, whatever. I don't know. Maybe we could do an intention for you. And then, yeah, it's, I mean, it's usually not like obvious. And, you know, it's funny, I've recently gone back to therapy. I hadn't seen my therapist in like over a year since I was engaged and I felt like, okay, I'm done. I did it.

But I recently went back and we have a listener question which sort of pertains to this. And the nice thing about having this, because I had been in therapy probably from when I was 26, I started going to therapy. And at first it was like weekly and then it was like every other week and then it was every month. And then I just stopped entirely. But the nice thing. about having done that is I could still, I contacted my therapist for a session and he already has

the full backstory. So I felt like, okay, he kind of already knows me. He knows like what I'm prone to do. So it was nice to have that just like as a tool without having to retell the whole story. Yep. It's great. Once you get to know someone and you spend that time, then when they pop back in, it's kind of like an old friend. Like you know the story, you know with everything that's going on and they can fill you in pretty briefly on what's happening. So maybe we could do it with me as a sample and then if people feel like they like that, they can write in with their own. But not today.

I'm not mentally prepared for that. All right. We have to mentally prepare. We will create you an intention. I will help you through it. That might be great because it's just sometimes, like you said, those sticky thoughts, the ones that feel like they're scratching and itch, they pull you in and an intention can keep you kind of grounded and like, do I really want to go?

go there or do I want to, where do I want to go? It's like a North Star throughout the day that can keep you kind of focused on the big picture instead of getting like a kid in a candy store where you're being sucked in by every sticky thought about, you know, relationship, self-loathing, body image, whatever your own things are that pull you in to have a mantra and intention that can pull you back out. And it's funny, like it does feel like kind of what you were saying. It does feel like a very fine line between introspection or maybe like managing an intrusive thought and almost like it being like a little indulgent yeah like you know you don't really want to talk about your career stuff as much as you do your interpersonal stuff like the career stuff maybe feels like

a little boring or it doesn't feel as like it's not touching on that deep attachment like wound that you drama yeah right so it just feels a little bit like yeah it's not it's not stimulating it's just kind of like, okay, am I going to, you know, I could make a little more money or feel, but for some people, their career might be that there might be trauma around, you know, financial insecurity or there might be trauma around like independence or so then those, the career thing is the sticky thought that feels really like compelling. They feel like a dramatic excitement over like closing the deal or not closing the deal or the same sort of like devastation. I would probably feel about, you know, a guy rejecting me or something.

Yes. Totally. And that is like sometimes this male-female dynamic that happens. Or like the anxious attached versus the secure attached versus the avoidant, you know, you might be transferring all of that anxious energy into finance or work or career or status versus like, does a girl like me or not? Right.

Sometimes figuring out where those sticky thoughts are is half the battle. Just like, what is this? Totally. Like you have a fixation with one area of your life. And I remember my therapist telling me this. I'm not sure if I talked about it on this show. He was like, there's like five pillars of your life. And the goal is to kind of care about them all like relatively equally.

Mm-hmm. So that you're not overly anxious or fixated or whatever on one pillar. And I think they were relationships with like, I think it was like romantic relationships, health, family, work. And maybe there was one more. Maybe like self-care. or like mental health or something along the beginning. Something like that.

I think that was probably in health. Maybe there were four. There were like a few different parts. And like usually people are like overly like you know, it's not 20% of each one. Usually people are like a little more honed in on one. But the goal is to sort of like deactivate that one so that you can care more about the rest of the things. That's why like, you know, all the Zen Buddhist stuff about like balance.

You know, like I have, I don't know if you could see behind me. I have those little like stacking rocks, the balance. rocks and the whole concept of just like creating balance, it's exactly that. If you're hyper-focused on one area of your life, it's probably not going to feel great. You're not going to feel at peace. So I think you're right. Part of feeling at peace with your life is not leaning too hard on one area of your life for total satisfaction. I guess quickly we can get into just this listener email. I feel like it's very relatable. And we're already on the topic of therapy. So I wanted to just read that really quickly. Yeah, let's do it. So the listener,

writes, hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana, thank you both so much for all you do with oversharing. I love listening every week and feel I've learned so much. Now that it's getting colder and darker, I'm starting to deal with a little bit of seasonal depression, and this year I decided to really take my mental health seriously and go to therapy to help deal with it. I've tried going to therapy a few times in the past, but never truly found it helpful because I didn't particularly like the therapist that I was seen. How do I find a good therapist that will work for me?

It seems like it might just be a trial and error type situation, but I'm not sure how to navigate it and find someone that I like while not burning myself out telling different therapists the same thing over and over again without actually getting to the point where I feel like it's helping me. Thank you. Best trying not to be a sad batch. Yeah, this is really hard. I think a lot of people struggle. And I'll be honest, I've struggled with this too in seeking therapy, finding someone that I can really connect with. And I know that a lot of people have that where sometimes you go to therapy and you're just kind of going and you're talking, but you're not really having that deeply connected type of rapport that you would like. And there's so many, when you go on one of

these, you know, we've talked before about going on one of these therapists directory websites, and there's so many of them. And like, how do you kind of sift through? I mean, there are different degrees that you can look at and orientations that you can look at to kind of generally narrow it down. and if you're interested, I can talk a little bit about what each of the degrees are and what they mean and the different types of theoretical orientations are and what they mean. But I do think, I don't think you need to give your whole life story, but I think if you could just hop on a call. Right. Even if you're not telling your whole story, even if you're just like having a chat, you can get a feel for there's just something in the way that you interact. There's something in, you know, how much a lot of people feel like they need their therapist to give a little bit more in terms of like not just listening, but also like giving a little bit or asking certain questions or like participating a little bit more. And some therapists are a little bit more receptive and that they're just going to kind of more listen and ask like general questions. So I think you can get that from just a brief phone call without having to go into your.

entire story. I think you can give the basics and get a good vibe for whether or not you're going to click with the person. And I mean, it's almost kind of similar to dating, right? Where you don't have to, you know, on the first day, tell someone your whole life story and see how they react to it and see if they're a good match for you. But you could like have a phone call before the date and just feel like if you generally feel like you like their vibe or like the way, I'm obviously like it's different because there you have to pay. It's not just your time. It's also like financial. But I think it's, you could probably get like somewhat of an idea, again, without fully delving into everything, maybe pick a problem that seems a little simpler that doesn't need the whole backstory

just to get a sense for like how they, how they respond to that sort of thing. Right. Or even you could just ask them questions. Like you might not even need to go into the total details of what you could just say like a basic thing. Like, you know, I've been arguing a lot with my significant other and I want to figure out if it's me or if it's him. Right. Right. Put it there. Lay it in their lap and see what they have to say about how they would help you with that type of thing. What their model is, how they kind of approach that type of situation. I don't think you need to give more than like a sentence or two. If you're dealing with grief, I'm dealing with the loss of a loved one or if you're, you know, whatever it is and ask them like, how do you

typically help people through something like this? So you could put it on them. And I do think some therapist will give you like a 10 or 15 minute phone consultation without having to pay for it. I agree, the idea of having to set up and pay for entire 45, 50 minute sessions with different people sounds like a little bit much. But I think if you can get on the phone just for like a brief consultation, I think it's worth it even if you don't find your person like you're saying, if it's like a dating situation, even if you don't find your person for a month or two, it's worth it because like you said, you have this therapist now that you're probably going to be seven years. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

for a long time. So it's worth doing the legwork, I think, for the first two months. What happens is people, sometimes they get flooded and they're like, I need therapy. Like the straw broke the camels back. I need to talk to someone. I need to talk to someone ASAP. And now they're just like first available. First available appointment. Yes. Yeah. And I get that feeling. But unless, and sometimes it is an emergency and you do want to get in or there's a crisis situation and fine, get in first available. But if this is something that's been happening for months or years and it just feels really intense in that moment. You can do some of the stuff we talked about. Breathe. Let the feeling kind of wash over you and realize, okay, I am committed to seeking help for this, but I'm going to do it intentionally.

I'm going to make a few phone calls. I'm going to talk to a bunch of people. It might take two months to find the right person, but then I'm going to have that person. Hopefully for many years on and off, like you said. And I mean, not everyone has friends who are like open about this kind of thing, but if you have a friend who you know sees a therapist and you feel like you have a similar sensibility or you trust that person's kind of like recommendation and you feel like they've helped them that a lot of the time, I think that also can be a really good recommendation. I mean, some therapists won't see people who are friends, but I think a lot of them will. And I've referred probably three people to my therapist who've seen him and liked him. And I think there is a certain

element of like if we're friends, you might also like talking to the same, in the same kind of way as your friend does. Right. Yeah, I agree. I mean, you do have to be careful. If it's a good friend, I probably would be wary of it. But if it's like a friend that's more of like an acquaintance type person that you don't have any, you know, issues with, then it's probably, another good one is like, which I've gotten some good referrals on is like a friend's sister or a friend of a friend or someone that's like one degree kind of removed where it's like, okay, my sister and her husband are seeing this person or they're probably not talking about you. Right. Exactly. They're probably not talking about you, which is that's

where the conflict can sometimes occur. But yeah, I think that's not a bad way to do it. And you can even, you know, a lot of the, I know psychology today has like little video snippets. Like you can do like a 20 second video snip, which, you know, that might give you like a little bit the energy. I do think there's something about like having a similar energy and you can kind of feel somebody's energy through their video clip. Although admittedly, I tried to do one for myself and I just was, I was like watching myself. It's hard to come up. Yeah.

Because you know you're filming. Yes. It just felt so stiff and so uncomfortable and I ended up just scrapping it and not doing it because it felt awkward. So I will say some people are better at that type of thing than other people. Do you ever get insulted if someone does a consult with you and then doesn't see you? You're like, that never happened. I don't know.

Well, I'll be honest, I haven't had it happened that many times, but I wouldn't be insulted. I think there's a lid for every pot and my approach might not work for some people. And it's, you know, I'm happy. I think that it's, I want them to get the best help. And if they're feeling that, then it probably isn't going to be a good match. And it might be kind of like more challenging than it has to be than with someone that's a good fit. So. Right. But I really typically, I think that most people, unless it's really something out of my scope of practice, which I will say, I've had that happen where I've met with people and I'm kind of like, I don't think I'm the right match for you.

Okay. Because you don't usually deal with that kind of thing. Yeah, it's not something that is in my area of expertise. or I know that there are other therapists out there that are more experienced in that particular area. And sometimes even that can be helpful, though, because even if you're not that therapist, you might be able to refer them to someone that you know that does do a lot of work in that area. And I love doing that. It's like making a math.

Like you said, like dating. Like I'm making a match. Like I know that you guys are going to be good for each other. So I'd much rather do that. There's another, you know, insurance is an issue for a lot of people and finances and that whole thing. So that's always complicating factor for a lot of people where it's not just like, okay, I want to find this perfect match. And then I can necessarily afford to pay out of pocket if you don't have great insurance.

So I did want to throw out there. There's this website called Open Path that has low-cost therapy for people that make below a certain amount and don't have insurance coverage for therapy. And sometimes that can be a good avenue. They have all the therapists, you know. Or group therapy, too. group therapy. That you do too. Totally. That's a group therapy is a great way to cut the cost. So I would look into that and I think that that's something else that you can Google in your area or you can reach out to me, obviously, if that's something you're interested in. But the open path, if you are looking for individual therapy, it's a great way to find something that is affordable. I mean, you have to, I think, prove that you make less than a certain amount of money. And how do they reach out to you? If you wanted to do group therapy, which you don't have to prove any sort of. Oh, yeah, sure. If you, yeah, if you, yeah, if you, if you, want to reach out to me. My email is Dr. Naomi at Yahoo.com, quiet in the peanut gallery.

Adana likes to make fun of my email address. No, it's cool. Vintage, kicking it old school. Exactly. So you can reach out to me. I have a group that maybe has a couple more spots, but I'd be open to starting another one if I had enough interest. So yeah. Guys, write that down. Dr. Naomi at yahoo.com. Just pretend it says Gmail in your mind and you can, you'll feel a little more confident. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. You're very cool.

You're so cool that you don't care. I think that's actually very, that's even cooler. Yes. There you go. Should we get into today's overshare? Yeah, let's get into today's overshare. Okay. Do you want to read it?

Yeah, I'll read it. Hello, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. All the praises. I didn't know if this should be a true. triggered situation or not or a regular talk things through a moment, I'll let you guys be the judge of that. Should I be triggered or nah if every game night, holiday party, group get together, no one shows up. I'm 26 and since I've turned six, no one from my friends or even when I would invite my entire class in elementary ever shows up for my game night, birthday get togethers, or holiday parties.

When I say no one, I mean no one. I'll invite 10 people and two will actually give me an I can't come response. Usually one will say maybe that turns into a no-show and the rest don't tell me anything nor show up. As someone who has struggled her entire life trying to make and maintain friendships, I can't help but truly believe sometimes that there's something wrong with me. There were many years growing up that I had literally no friends, like ate by myself at the lunch table for a few years, no friends. College, I wasn't included in outings or sit around the kitchen table kind of get together's. I've tried to emerge myself into groups like painting groups, water aerobics. I even tried to go dancing and still no one tries to engage with me. I try to be understanding and think,

maybe they're not comfortable socially. Maybe they're busy. Maybe they don't have good manners or know how to say no thank you. I try to see this as a blessing in disguise for not being in the wrong crowd or getting into bad things. I understand no one is obligated to hang out with me and maybe they're just maintaining a friendly relationship with me. I've been asking myself, is There's something I need to change about myself in order to become more, quote, unquote, appealing to spend time with these friends. I feel like I try to go above and beyond to be there in any way I can for them, showing up for special occasions, making sure to remember special things about them, honestly, just being nice and kind. Even when I'm intentionally and unintentionally putting myself out there, I'm still silently rejected. The friends I have genuine relationships with are all long-distance friendships, all two of them.

one of them being a pen pal I've made this year. So when I do spend time with them, I'm afraid I'll become suffocating because I'm so socially deprived. I make sure to say thank you for when someone does decide to include me. Throughout the years, I've just worked or studied on Fridays and Saturdays,

allowing myself to become financially stable, developed as strong, but not shove it down your throat, spirituality. I go out on dates with myself to still enjoy life. Sometimes my parents pity me and let me hang out with them, but it's not the same as spending time with people my own age or have shared interests. I don't really have excuses for not being present with anyone.

Overall, I just don't get it. I'm lonely and I feel forgotten. Princess Mia from the Princess Diaries saying I'm invisible and I'm good at it is truly how I feel. Should I still be triggered by this even after all these years? Should I accept that I just can't have good friends to spend time with? Am I allowed to feel sad on the weekends? My parents and sister get invited to the same weddings and events. and I'm at home. Do I just have the most annoying luck with friends? Any sort of perspective helps.

Thanks for the feedback, friendless betch. You made me so sad. I know. This made me really sad too. Do you have any patients who suffer from this sort of like issue, like who feel like, you know, chronically it's difficult for them to make friends? Yeah, I do have that. I think what ends up happening is sometimes people will kind of create their own walls around it. So it doesn't usually come off like this. Like they almost protect themselves from wanting it. I don't have people necessarily that are craving, that admit at least to craving it or wanting it and not having it. Okay. They'll almost make it like, I'm too busy or I don't like anyone or they kind of create a

a storyline that makes them feel better about it versus what this listener is doing, which I appreciate is being introspective about what is it about me that is making this difficult and being vulnerable enough to admit that she actually wants it. Right. Does that make sense? Yeah, no, it does. Yeah. So I think, I mean, it's funny because the only thing she really, without knowing too much information about like how she's interacting with people or how things are going, It does feel like her own belief that she's like incapable of having friends is like making her act in a different way than she would maybe if she felt at ease. Yeah.

Like she was saying, you know, I'm afraid that if I see the long distance friends that I have that I'm going to be like smothering and needy and like overly too much. I think maybe that's her fear of just being too much when she sees them on. And that's, that was the first thing that came to mind for me was the concept of self-fulfilling prophecy. She has this identity in her mind because it's been happening since she's six. And this could have been triggered by one first grade birthday party that nobody showed up to because she, you know, maybe it happened on a, you know, maybe she decided to make her birthday party on the same day as someone else's birthday party.

And nobody showed up. And then, you know, she got the seed planted. And then she started being anxious that nobody liked her. And then she started being kind of uncomfortable. And then people didn't want to really want to be around her because she was anxious. and uncomfortable and maybe she was a little clingy or, you know, I think sometimes that can set in motion like this cycle of changing the way you naturally are to someone that's a little bit more anxious or just not in the moment when you're with friends because you're so worried about whether or not

they're going to stay around. Right. Yeah, that's a great point. I'm sure it became like this, like you said, self-fulfilling prophecy or like self-destruct, like almost self-sabotage thing, like the anxiety about not being able to make friends has made her into, I mean, I don't want to say like a worse friend, but a more anxious potentially, just not as easy as it might be with someone else. So how do you like get out of that? It clearly seems like she desperately wants to sort of get out of this feeling. Right. I mean, I think working on the anxiety that you have or just becoming aware, like we talk about being mindful of the thoughts that you have before you enter into a social interaction. Like we talked about kind of writing those down. Like, what are the

thoughts that I'm having before I'm getting together with friends or what are the thoughts that I'm having before I'm going into one of these social situations and being mindful of, are they rational, are they a product of this identity that I've created for myself that probably isn't even accurate. Right. Might be helpful to just kind of be aware of how, you know, I always say, like, your reality happens in your own mind. So whatever you're thinking leading into that interaction is how you're going to end up feeling and how you're going to end up behaving as a result. So sometimes just being aware of it can help you kind of be more in the moment and think about it in a way that makes it feel less high pressure and maybe you can actually enjoy it and be, I don't know if there's like a,

she does allude to like a clingy aspect, like that she's afraid of being clingy. It's funny because I watched my daughter, Maddie, was at a volleyball camp the other day and I was watching her and there was this one little girl that was like kind of, I guess didn't know anyone. It was sort of like following her around and just like, I could tell this girl like sort of wanted to be her friend, But she was like, and then I was watching Maddie, and Maddie was like not sort of into it. Like she kept trying, they kept partnering up and she kept trying to find like a different partner. And this girl kept trying to be her partner.

And I think there were times when she ended up like being her partner, but she didn't want to just because the girl was so like intense. And then when we got done, I was kind of, I didn't really know what was happening until after. And then when we got done, I was like, oh, wow, it was so nice. I think that girl really wants to be your friend. And she was like, oh, my God, she was so annoying. And I was like, oh, like, from afar I was looking at it as like, this is so nice.

Like, this girl wants to be friends with you. She seems so friendly. She seems so. But I think she was so intense about it that her dander was going up. Like her kind of gut reaction of like she's a little intense made her not then want to really lean into that friendship. So it was just kind of how that starts, even in little kids that aren't thinking. about this where, you know, if you're, if you're too intense, it can cause somebody to feel a little bit smothered and then like reject the party invitation because they feel like it's too much.

So I think just being introspective, I get it. I understand that maybe if you get good vibe from someone like Maddie was probably giving her like good energy for the first five minutes and she's kind of like, oh, yay, yay, yay, I got one. Right. You know? Yeah. So I think just being aware of like, okay, be cool. Yeah. Like the anxiety is drive. I think this is an anxiety issue. My hunch is that she's having anxiety about this and that anxiety is putting out negative

energy that people are not flocking towards. I think that's a great point. That's probably not her real pure energy. Like she, what is she like at her best, right? And if I were her, I would think like, okay, when do I feel the most comfortable and natural and at ease and like love no matter what? I imagine it's with her parents because she, you know, mentions, like, that she hangs out with her parents a good amount. So I would think, like, okay, when I'm, like, at my best, what am I like?

Yes. When I'm comfortable, when I feel like I don't have to perform, what am I like? And almost, like, write down, like, a list of those qualities. And then once you have a good sense of that, you repeat those qualities to yourself. You truly believe them. Like, those are your really positive qualities. And then maybe before, like, another social interaction. you look at that list of your of those positive qualities that you are when you do feel at ease when you

don't feel anxious when you feel good about yourself kind of like remind yourself of them and you like you said like sort of like a meditative thing like take a deep breath look at those qualities feel better about the fact that you do have them that that's who you truly are yes without the fear that's why that's why that's why I was talking about like what is the fear the fear is this person's not going to like me So if that's going to guide your whole interaction with them, that's not your real self. That's your afraid self. Like you said, your real self is who you are with your parents or with your sister. People that you don't have to be afraid are going to reject you.

Right. And it's obviously very hard to do. But I think if you could do that and then maybe like create some smaller steps for interactions with people, like many, many little interactions like that are almost like practice. And they don't have to be like if they don't work out, doesn't have to be the end of the world. Right. Where, you know, maybe like you start up with someone at work, you just like, you start up

a 15-minute conversation with. And that's like your first interaction. And then once you feel like that was like good and you felt relaxed doing that, maybe you could, you know, join like a intramural league or something like that or take up a hobby or a book club or something along those lines. And then eventually, I think you can get to a place where you feel like you've practiced that enough and you've sort of like learned how to calm yourself to where I think those friendships will sort of happen a lot more organically. Right. If she's calm. And I do think again,

speaking of like mantra or intention or whatever for this person to kind of realize that whatever, this trying hard thing and I get it like she said she's socially deprived. So it ends up making her feel suffocating. So I think just kind of being okay with being alone. I'm not saying that that means that she doesn't attempt at social interactions anymore, but I think this fear of never finding friends or always being alone or the intensity, if she can sort of come up with this much, it's like, I've been alone a lot.

Like throughout her life, it sounds like, like I am okay by myself. I've practiced being alone. I can be alone. And just kind of being okay with that so that when she comes to the interactions, she's not putting as much pressure on herself. I think there's also one way that this might be coming out, and this is something that the other thought I had with this is maybe she might want to seek some feedback from people in her life, like honest feedback from her parents or her sister or like a good friend that she does have to say, like, I'm struggling with this, be vulnerable.

Are there things that you notice me doing socially that you think might be off putting to other people and see if they do give her any feedback? because I think sometimes there is, and even as someone who doesn't necessarily struggle socially, there's a, it's hard to determine when you have social interactions with somebody, a new person, when do you kind of take it to that next level of asking them for plans? Or when do you ask them, like, for their phone number? Or when do you move to that next step of like, let's become more friendly? It's hard to know even for people that are very socially in tune. So this, is an area where I would say if you think that you're leaning towards like the suffocating side, which she kind of says that she feels she might, then you might want to lean a little bit harder

towards the other side where maybe you wait a little bit longer to ask somebody for plans. Or maybe you wait just a little bit longer than what your natural inclination would be to, you know, ask someone for their phone number or something like that. If you feel like your natural inclination is to do it too quickly or to suffocate, you might have to create intention of like breathing, staying calm, trusting that you'll see them again, trusting that you'll have another opportunity to connect with this person again versus being like, okay, they're here. I better like nail this down and ask them for plans, which then might come off as a little bit overbearing. Right. And if like you said, they've repeated to themselves that worst case scenario, they are

alone and they're good at it and it's fine and they're still happy and they like their life without these people, then I think it's easier to do also what you just said where it's like, I don't need to lock it in immediately. Like if it doesn't work out, it's fine. Let me take a second, take a break. Yeah. And it's hard. You want to just be able to go out there, be yourself, do whatever and have people like you. And that's like, you know, I like this question because sometimes there is something, an energy that you're putting out there that is, you know, doesn't draw in the most people. And it doesn't mean that you're not a good person. It doesn't mean that, you know, there's something wrong with you. It just means that maybe you're,

I think she seems pretty self-aware. She's probably a little anxious and a little suffocating. And awareness is the first step. Sometimes, you know, like I tell people a lot, like, if you have a natural tendency to lean one way, like let's say you're naturally a little high strung or like type A or you're like going to put all the time in. And if you're trying to create balance in your life, like lean a little extra hard towards the like relaxed direction of like, you know, and then you'll probably find, even though for you it feels like, whoa, I'm going to tip over here. I'm leaning so hard. That's the place where I think you're going to find the balance. Yeah. Do something that feels like a little uncomfortable.

It doesn't have to be like you have to go. If you're at. at zero, you don't have to go to 100, but you could go to like 30. Right. Feels a little uncomfy. Yes, it's going to, like I remember a Spanish teacher that I had. I always think of this analogy. The Spanish teacher that I had in college, she was helping me with my accent. And she was like, when you think you sound like you're completely mocking a Spanish

speaking person, like it's laughable and it's a joke, like you're almost making fun of the accent, that's when you're going to sound like a native speaker. Like to you, it sounds ridiculous, but that's like, how. how you have to push that hard to sound even close to a native speaker. So it's almost the same thing. It's very funny. I feel like my therapist told me something very similar with like me when dating where my tendency was to like never text first or never, you know,

never make a first move or never be like kind of like semi vulnerable in that state. I remember. And he was like trying to get me to be more comfortable. And I'm like, no, I'm going to sound like, I'm going to be like, like, losing loser. Like, no one's going to like me. Like, it's going to seem desperate. Yeah. And he was like, I know you.

And like, that's the last thing that you would come off as because you're so far to the other way. So if you think that something sounds like something, some like desperate, crazy person would do, it's probably just the normal thing that lets someone know that you're like interested and like them. It would take so much for you to get to that point that if you think you're at that point, you're probably just like at the mean. Right.

Yes. So for this listener, maybe to her it would come off as like she might feel like she's being a little cold or she might feel like she's being uncaring or she might feel like she's being a little distant in order to find her center. That to her it would feel like she's not leaning in when maybe that's kind of the sweet spot where she might find some success. Yeah. or she's being rude or something like that.

I totally agree. And it probably isn't really. It's just to her that's how it feels because she feels like she really wants to always be, you know, open and showing that she's open to friendships and does not sound like the issue is that she's being too cold. It sounds like the issue is maybe she's being a little too much. Totally. And it's hard because it feels really uncomfortable to not do something, the belief that you've

told yourself your whole life is going to create a certain reaction because maybe it did one time back when you were like a younger kid and that you sort of like instilled that in your brain that people react this way when someone acts like that in your head you've told yourself that story. And the only way to believe a different story is to try something that's a little uncomfortable and see how people respond. Yes. Yeah. Which is it's hard because your brain keeps telling you like, no, like you're going to push them away. You're going to push them away by doing this. But if you do it once, twice, a few times and you see. people react in a way that isn't like the end of the world, you do start to, that's the only way

to really believe it. Like, you can believe it rationally or hypothetically. But I think until you see it in action, you're really not going to see. Right. And worst case scenario, they think it's cold or they think you're being rude or they think you're not interested in being their friend. And you end up with the similar result anyway. At least you've tried something new. All right. Let's do an ethical email. I could read it. Sure. Hi, Jordan and Dr. Naomi. At first, I was going to write in with the triggered, and then I realized I'm not exactly sure who I'm triggered by. Funny, both of these emails were like, am I triggered or is this an issue? Right.

Both. My wedding is coming up and my fiance and I are paying for the majority of it. His parents are hosting the brunch the next day and intend on serving bacon. I've kept kosher my whole life and I've been a pescatarian for most of it and my fiance is now a pescatarian too and has kept kosher since before we met but wasn't raised keeping. Do I have a right to be offended that they're serving meat that neither me nor my fiance would feel comfortable serving? I understand that they're paying so they get to decide what's on the menu, but they're hosting an event for two kosher pescatarians. I asked my fiance if he could

ask them about not serving it, and he said he'd rather we just leave it. This is why I can't tell who I'm triggered by, him or them, imposing it as an ethical dilemma. Who has the right to decide what's served at an event hosted by someone for someone else? Thanks in advance, no bacon batch. This is funny because I think my first fight with Jeff was about the food at the wedding. I remember that. Like, I don't remember like the fight, but I remember you, I just remember this being like a thing. Right. Yeah. This was a thing. And looking back on it, it was like, you know, I always say before a wedding, everything that leads up to the wedding is sort of like your marriage boot camp. Yeah. All these little discrepancies and how you handle them, like none of them really.

matter big picture. I don't think. I mean, yes, some of them could, but most of them in terms of wedding and events and, you know, invitations. And most of it is when you look back on it, I mean, I look back at it now and I'm like, why did I care? It was more of an issue of like, what our family wanted and what mom and grandma, you know, what they were going to think of having shellfish at the cocktail hour and Jeff's a foodie, you know, so he wanted like the whole seafood towers and he wanted the whole thing. So that was an issue. For context, we were raised kosher. Yes, sorry. We were raised kosher since have become less so. But there's still that kind of cultural kosher vibe that I kind of have left. But at the time when I got married, I was like much

more still involved with my family of origin and what they would think about it and, you know, how they would react to it and trying to keep my family happy and he was trying to keep his family happy. I mean, this sounds like the two of them are on the same page. So that's a strength. They're not on the same page in terms of thinking that it's a big deal. Like she thinks it's a big deal. He doesn't clearly think it's that big of a deal. So I think that it is sort of like one of those first situations where it brings, it's funny because I think it brings up a bunch of different things. And this is kind of how you get to know someone. So it's kind of like, how are you raised around what paying for something means to you?

And I think it's funny for us because that fight to me makes so much sense where it's like, I think in our home, it was like whoever pays makes the rules. Yep. And like it's because I'm paying. Like it's like this is my thing and you better like behave or do whatever. I think you should do because it's my money. And it's funny to see, you know, as I got older, see people's their own relationships with their own parents, where to me, that's a very unhealthy way to think. Because most parents give you

money not so that you'll do what they want them to do. They'll give you money because they want you to be happy or they want to make the experience like an optimal experience for you. And they want you to like feel it's just, it's really to help you. Right. With nothing else. I'm doing this for you. Not to have control over you. I'm doing this to make you happy. Yeah. Yes. And I think that money in our home was a lot of the time used as like a weaponized thing to be like, well, I'm paying for this. So and I can withdraw the money or I can get more money depending on how, you know, loyal I feel like you are, how you're behaving, how I feel. And it was never just given with love and never mentioned again, which is an interesting thing

to see in other people's family dynamics. Right. So I could see maybe in her family dynamics, she's like, oh, wouldn't someone's parents just like want you to have the event that you want to have if they're paying, regardless of if they're paying for it. And someone else's parents might be like, no, we're paying for it. We want it the way we want it. Because it's for us.

It's like almost boils down to like, is it for you or is it for them? Yes. And that's, I mean, not something you're necessarily going to change about someone because I think they're the way they think about money, you can have a realization for it. And it's probably more important about him than it is about his parents because you're not marrying his parents. from marrying him. But that's an interesting conversation to have because that really does tell you a lot about the way someone was raised, a lot about the wet way that they think about how

money should be spent if they give it freely or if they give it with strings. So I think it's just an interesting conversation to have that she should have with her fiance. In terms of his parents, that's clearly something that they believe. I don't know if he's like if he's mentioned it to them and they were just like, we're doing this anyway or that's another question. Right. Yeah, I don't know if they know if they even know how they feel about it or not. So that is so I, but I, yeah, I agree with you. I think it's an interesting conversation to open up with the fiance and also the issue. So yes, the issue of money and what it means and what type of control that allows you to have is a great conversation for two engaged people to have, but also conflict and conflict avoidance and how you deal with conflict. So I think one of the other issue here is it sounds like, Like he's kind of saying it's not worth it. If you don't want to eat the bacon, don't eat the bacon. Other people probably would like to have bacon with their breakfast.

You know, I think if you ask 10 people that were coming to a brunch, if they're going to have a piece of bacon, probably seven of them would say yes. So I think, you know, it's, and then it's the question is, is it for the couple? Is it for the parents or is it for the guests? Like who's the priority in terms of who are you trying to make happy here? so that's a conversation for them to have, but also what's worth conflict? That, I think, is a big issue that probably is going to be something important between these two engaged people is what is worth creating conflict over and what is not.

And what does conflict look like in your family? If he was to say to his family, you know, so and so and so and I decided that we'd really prefer that you not have, that we not have bacon served at the event, what would that look like, would they go crazy? Would they say, well, then for, like you're saying, would they then withdraw the offer for the brunch? Would they then say, well, then forget it. We're not doing it. It is kind of interesting to figure out why he is avoiding this conflict instead of him just being like, sure, I'll tell them, you know, if it's possible, we'd prefer not to have bacon. Right. Okay, no problem. Yeah. Or maybe it's his conflict avoidance with her. Maybe he's like, I don't really

care if they have. And his belief about bacon is not as strong as hers. Yes. That's another, potential possibility where she said he wasn't raised that way and maybe he's become it since dating her but maybe he doesn't really again and also like what's her reason for not wanting it there is it because she doesn't think it's a reflection of them or it's because she thinks it's immoral I think those are all interesting good questions to ask yourself too again I don't know that we're going to solve this for them but I do think the betchesist answer here is and for anyone out there who's engaged and you're going to deal with different types of struggles, family of origin, struggles, financial struggles, power, control, all this stuff.

These are the times to practice having these conversations with calm body, being introspective about why this is so important to you and also being curious about why this is so important to your partner. So when you come to these crossroads where you're stuck, it's because there's something that is important to both of you. and a lot of times we're not curious about why it's important to our partner. So we kind of miss the big picture in just wanting to win the argument. But good practice for couples is to say like, okay, we're in conflict.

Something is important to my partner here that they're trying to communicate that something means something to them on a deeper level. Let me lean in and figure out what that is, despite what the outcome is going to be of this particular scenario. Totally. And it could be anything. This is just the reflection of it. But I mean, I had a similar conversation with Mike, I think, around, like, vaccines at our wedding or like wanting to make, because we got married and COVID, it's me, you know, where I was like, of course everyone will, you know, we'll put that on the individual, we'll make sure that only people who are vaccinated came. And it wasn't like he wanted it to be. It was just kind of like, well, what does that mean? Is that something he feels comfortable with? Also, like, what is his, what is his tolerance for confrontation? What is his moral thought about that kind of thing? And I think funny, because COVID, I feel.

like for so many couples brought up that. Yes. In so many different ways, you know, like, there was so much like morality feeling like around it or. Yes. Control or I'm sure you saw this and a lot of the couples or people that you're seeing, like the difference in that could feel like a difference in like your whole brain. Like totally. Totally. We're on the same page or we're totally different.

And how do we communicate our beliefs with other people without fear of blowing up our entire relationship? because I ask you to get vaccinated or, you know, vice for whatever it is. Yeah. And these are conflicts that it's great for you to start to be able to just communicate on. So if she just is going to take, I guess my only advice for her is, you know, he said let's, he'd rather just leave it. And then sounds like the conversation ended there. Maybe there's more conversation to be had. I don't think the outcome of this, from what I started, basically when I got married all those years ago, it felt so huge at the time. Now I'm like, why was that even an issue? So I don't think the outcome of this, whether there's bacon in a heating tray at the buffet table at your brunch, I don't think

it's really going to matter or not. I think it's more about what this is bringing up for both of you. And it's a great fuel for conversation and connection, hopefully. Well, good luck. Always fun to have those convos as you're planning an exciting time. Should we play some triggered? Let's play some triggers. Let's do it. All right, I'll read this one. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I'm a fan of oversharing.

It feels like free therapy, and it's so nice to hear other people's stories. I have a triggered scenario. My boyfriend and I have been dating three years and we started living together six months ago. My birthday was last month and it fell on a Tuesday this year, which is the night I have grad school after work. We agreed to just do takeout that night as we were both busy. I knew it wouldn't be a big day, but I was still surprised and disappointed when I had no card, no flowers, no gift, or anything from my boyfriend. When I was back from class, he simply asked,

so what kind of takeout do you want tonight? It felt like it was any other night and I was highly disappointed. I expressed this to him that night because I was upset and he said he was sorry and felt really bad. Flash forward to today, our three year anniversary and it feels like deja vu. He said, happy anniversary this morning and said, your gift is coming sometime next week. I just ordered it today. I have his gift ready to give him today and was so excited to give it to him. It's not like this day was a surprise. Why would he wait until the day of to order something? How triggered can I be?

Thanks for all you do. An uncelebrated batch. What do you think? I can see why this would be annoying for sure. It's funny because the first one felt more triggering to me than this one almost. The birthday rather than the anniversary. Rather than the anniversary. just because I think the original one is like you don't really know how someone likes to show

that love necessarily at six months or it's her first birthday with him. So she had to vocalize, you know, on a birthday, I like, you know, I like a card. I want to feel special. I want to get taken out to dinner. I want there to be like more effort put into it. But then she kind of knows that he's clearly not the guy who's like a huge birthday guy because if he was, that's not how you would treat birthday. Right. So I would almost be like, okay, now it's their three-year. anniversary. Has she vocalized this about anniversary? Maybe he needs to be told that it's not just birthdays that like that need to be have this special thing. It's also anniversaries or other milestones. This is definitely something I have like worked through in my own relationship where sometimes

the person just like that's not kind of like their thing. They're not big on that. And they need to either be reminded or, you know, like told explicitly. Which is I mean not. I can understand someone being annoyed by that. Someone being like, I want someone who's like on it, who's like, who's like, planner who's planning romantic gestures and very into that. That's not this guy. So like, she can either accept that that's just kind of like not this guy and do what I do, which is like, I'm so excited for my birthday. I can't wait to read my card. I'll start that like, I'll start that like a whole weeks before. And I'll just like, you know what I mean? It's a kind of a joke, but it's also kind of like a gentle reminder. A gentle reminder. Like, I'm a gentle reminder. Like,

I care about this lot. That might not be your thing. It means a lot to me. So like, where are we going? I don't even know. I'm so excited. I can't wait to find out what you've planned. Right.

What you got for me or like something like that. No, which look, it's nice of you because you're not, a lot of people will do the opposite where they almost like will not say anything, set the trap and then get mad about it. And now you've like ruined your birthday and you're in an argument. and it's a bad day. So, like, I think it's great that you're gently reminding him with a little joke so that he doesn't fall into the trap again. Yeah.

And I mean, some people would be like, that's not for me. I want someone who, like, I don't have to remind. And I think that's fine. But what I think about him, I think about, like, the other ways that do come more naturally to him that might not come naturally to everyone else, that he shows up for everything, that he's, you know, he's, you know, say, like, you know, all of language just, like, acts of service. Like, he's doing a lot, like, he's a little more practical-minded.

and I appreciate those things. So it's kind of like, I can't have everything. It's not that big of a deal to me. I still get it. I just have to do a little bit of more of a reminder. Right. I hear that and I agree with you. And I do think you have to,

if you realize that something doesn't come easily for someone, they might need a little bit of a reminder or they might need a constant reminder, perhaps. But I do think at some point, this isn't something he needs to remember every single day. It's probably two times a year that she's asking him to, you know, her birthday and an anniversary. I guess maybe I don't know how she feels about like a Valentine's Day, but I think she does need to kind of, you know, let him know. And hopefully he'll listen after a period of time.

Like I was almost more triggered by the second one because she already said it to him. And he just didn't do anything. If I were him, I would have pretended that I ordered it and it was late. I don't know why he felt to need to tell her that he ordered it that day. That to me is just like not smart. But in doubt, lie. I mean, or just like, omit that.

Like, your gift is going to be here next week. I'm really excited to give it to you. Right. It makes it sound. The fact that he just said, I just ordered it today, was almost like he's oblivious that he should have given it some forethought.

Like, he was almost proud of himself. Like, I ordered it. You know, like I ordered it today. It's going to be here in a week. Like, I think he's not getting it. Like, he almost felt like he was bragging that, like, he did remember to order it on the day of, not thinking. And I'm sure if I had to guess, this guy's not a type A guy. He's not the type of guy that's, like, going to be planning things and, like, preparing things.

He seems like he's, you know, he's going to do it as he, he woke up that morning. He thought, wow, it's our anniversary. I'm going to buy her present without the concept of, like, it's going to take a week to get here. So I don't think it means he doesn't love you. I do think, you know, that is something to think about, like, what is the fear? The fear is that he's not, you know, maybe you do want someone that's more romantic. Maybe there's a lack of romance there. Maybe there's a lack of, you know, appreciation there in some way. And if there, if he is showing it, like you're saying, focus on the parts that he is showing. But if he's not showing any of that, then that is worth the conversation more than just about the gift. Like I, not only are you not like, approach. appreciating me on my one special day or appreciating our relationship and the sacredness of our relationship on this day. But I'm also just not feeling a lot of love and thought in general. Maybe it's like a thoughtlessness thing that she's feeling from him, that he's not thinking about her. So if that's the case, then that's a bigger conversation that might just be projected onto these two days of the

year perhaps. And I mean, to bring it back to the overshare, it's like, okay, this guy leans in the non-romantic category. Is he ever going to be the most romantic guy? Probably not. Is he willing to work on getting himself 20% more romantic? And is that enough for you? That's sort of like, do those things meet in some way that is able to be working for you or not really? Yeah, I agree. And I do like what you're saying, and I think this is a bigger picture issue for relationships, what you're saying about sometimes people need reminders. And it doesn't mean that they don't love you and it doesn't mean they're not willing to do it. But they do need to, you know, kind of, if it's not their natural inclination and they're willing to do it, it's just not top of mind for them.

So it's not that you have to accept that someone's not going to do it. You just might have to accept that you might have to remind them to do it, which I think is an easier thing to accept, then, like, I remind him and he absolutely refuses to do it. You know, it's like there's something very cute about, you know, even like in movies where there's like the farm boy that's like, always a, you know, dusty, dirty mess that like uncomfortably puts on like a suit and tie to take the girl out to dinner, even though you know he's like really uncomfortable. It's like cute and sweet that he's doing it because it's kind of like not his thing.

Right. You know. Yeah, that's how I like to think of it. But I get it. I'd give it a five because he did get her a gift. He just was too dumb to not understand that he should not tell her that he just got it. I would give it a little higher just because like the Tuesday birthday is already a bummer. And like to not have anything and just like not even acknowledge it on that first birthday.

And then again, you know, I probably give it like a six. Okay. That's fair. All right. Do we have more? Yeah, I'll do another one. I have a topic for trigger that I feel has been bothersome to me for some time now that I would like to get your thoughts on. My husband recently made a joke that for my 40th birthday, for reference, this is still

four years away, he would get me breast implants. I have never indicated that this was something I would be interested in. So it came as a surprise to me that he would make a remark like this. I had always gotten the impression from him that he was into my body as it was, and particularly into my rather sizable natural chest. I recently lost 20 pounds and have noticed that in doing so, my breasts have deflated somewhat. As much as I hate to admit this, this has messed with my identity as someone who has had a full chest all of my adult life.

To further complicate matters, my mother, also large-chested, had two separate bouts of breast cancer, ultimately undergoing a double mastectomy. This is something I've always had in the back of my mind as a possible consideration for my health later in life. Knowing all this, it feels unbelievably insensitive for my husband to make a joke like this. And I'm really struggling with why this joke has been made, believing there was always truth and jest, and allowing it to make me feel really bad about my new body. Would love to get your thoughts on this one, signed a deflated betch. I like the sign off. Yeah. Yeah. I think this is pretty triggering, especially because she never indicated that that was something that she was interested.

It's almost like if out of the blue, she was like, you know what? For your 40th, we are going to get you a penis enlargement. Right. We're going to get you hair plugs. Right. Yeah. It's like, that wasn't something I was thinking about, but thanks for planting that seed in my head, although she sounds like she was already thinking about this. I could see why this is triggering. I think she needs to talk to him about it and tell him. how this made her feel. Right. It's annoying.

I totally see that what she's saying where it's like the joke has already been made. He can't take it back. And it would be bothering me, like even if he apologized for saying it, that that was something that was going through his mind. How do you get over, how do you get over that kind of thing

where it's like the person apologized, what's done is done, but you're still kind of pissed off. Right. Or like you still know that he feels like he wishes that she had larger breasts. Right. Which is,

you know, I think a way to look at it and feel better about is I'm sure there are things about him that you wish were different. But it's not going to change the fact that you love him or it's not going to change the fact that you're still attracted to him. It's just like, all right, it would be nice if you had a little more hair like you're saying or if, you know, whatever things were that you want to change about him. But realizing that for you, it doesn't mean that he's not attracted to you, which is probably part of the fear for her. And then on top of it, obviously, you know, her having her fears of what it sounds like is perhaps that one day she might have to do, you know, have a mastectomy if she has that, you know, gene and her family and like how will he feel about her if that happens or. I think she could share that with him. Yeah.

That would probably really understand, make him understand why that comment was so hurtful to you. Right. Be like a super vulnerable thing to say. Yeah. I think he probably didn't realize it. You know, I think if you give him the benefit of the doubt, he's probably like, wow, you look so great now. You lost all this weight.

Some big boobs would look great on your new body. Sure. Who knows what he's, you know, I'm not saying that makes it feel any better. But I don't think he met, I don't think he realizes how deeply this hurt you and like what your deeper fears are about how your body is now and how it could potentially change in the future and how you really need to probably hear from him that he's attracted to you and that, you know, no matter what your breasts look like, that he's still attracted to you, I think is

probably what you need to hear from him. Yeah. I would get this an eighth. That's pretty triggering. Yeah. I think this is pretty triggering, especially considering, like, her fears for the future and her mother and him not taking any of that into account and being, like, aware of how, you know, talking about the shape and size of.

her breast after her mother has gone through two bouts of breast cancer might make her feel. Yeah. I agree. It's just kind of a dumb comment, though. Yeah. I don't, I really, I think, yeah, I think it was just stupid, but he needs to be made aware of it. Yeah. Because the last thing you want is for him to say it again, and then it's going to be really bad. Okay. Let's do one more. You want to read it? Sure. Thanks for the great new podcast. I found myself in a situation at work. I'm hoping you can give me some advice on. I'm a woman in my early 20s, about three years. years into my professional career. I'm generally very outgoing, friendly, and upbeat, and I take my role very seriously and always try to present myself professionally. Recently, two of the older women in my

workplace, both around 60, have offhandedly used the term sweetie and missy to refer to me. Like, thanks, sweetie, or missy, I have something for you. These are women I interact with daily and have very positive relationships with. In general, I view these as terms of endearment coming from older women, and I worry that correcting them would cause some strain as we work together. That said, I'm also conscious of the fact that young women can be underestimated and or spoken down to in the workplace, and I don't want to become accustomed to that in my professional career or have it subconsciously affect whether others take me seriously. Should I be triggered?

Funny, I feel like I would just let it go because I, like, wouldn't want to make things weird, kind of like she said. Right. But I can see why it would be kind of annoying. Yeah. I think this is a, it's a perfect triggered scenario because it's almost like, what is the bigger fear? Like, what is being triggered here? She's afraid she's not being taken seriously.

Is that actually happening? You know, like, what is the, you know, I think she's looking at these terms of quote unquote endearment or whatever it is as a sign of things that are to come or a predictor of something that may happen down the line in terms of her career or how she's being seen or what's happening. So I would maybe take the focus onto, is that actually happening? Is she not being taken seriously? Is she not being given opportunities for growth or treated differently? Or is it just these terms that women are using, that these two in particular women are using for her,

that they may just be using for any young woman that they encounter? And it's more about them having that language sort of embedded into them. Right. Would you say anything? I probably wouldn't. I mean, I don't know how she feels. If it's really like burning her up, but she says, in general, I view these as terms of endearment.

So I don't think I would say something. If she's feeling like it's coming from a warm-hearted place and not, I think she would know if it was like, here you go, Missy versus, you know, like I think she would be getting the vibe that it wasn't a term of endearment if it really wasn't,

you know, and I've gotten that when people say that sarcastic, term of endearment, like they're saying sweetie, but they really don't mean sweetie. Oh, yeah. You know, you can tell in the toes. You can tell for 100%. Yeah. I feel like I've been called like honey by like an older woman somewhere.

All right. And you could tell if it's like, oh, here you go, honey. Versus like, all right, honey. Yeah. You know, there's like very different. That's true. And it doesn't bother me, really. So I think that I agree.

If she really feels like it's negative, maybe. but if not, if she actually, like you said, thinks it's the term of a German, I'd let it go. And I also think if she's, what's the bigger fear? If she is not being taken seriously in ways that matter, you know, like not being given projects or her opinion isn't being considered or there's like bigger picture issues,

then address those bigger picture issues. Right. But if this is just like something that you're afraid is going to turn into, I would put this in the category of, let's kind of like, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. also maybe they don't remember your name and that's just what they're calling you because they don't

remember that's here you go here you go a sweetie here you go missy like to me it's like oh what what's this they probably just don't remember right that is possible i think they just i give it a three cute and sweet and they're doing it yeah i would i would give this low because there's nothing else there that indicates that they're disrespecting her other than this these terms of endearment yeah all right Well, we did it. Proud of us. And if you guys have an email you want or you have an intention that you would like us to work through, email oversharing at betches.com. Let me just give a little guidance on the intention.

If anyone wants to write in for it, okay? So what would help us to write an intention for you is if you can notice what your pattern thoughts are, if you can notice what your pattern behaviors are, and if you can tell us what your ultimate fears are, and then goals that you have for yourself. So if you can give us those four pieces of information, you know, pattern thoughts, pattern behaviors, fears, and goals, it might take a little bit of divulging your life story, but we're happy to hear it. Give us all the information, and we'd love to help you kind of find that North Star. Love that. And yeah, send us an email to oversharing at betches.com. All right. That's our time. Great work.

today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales-Picco, and Rebecca Sousalz-McCad. Editing by Massilio Perez. Guest Booking by Allie Friedlander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com. We'll leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches