Oversharing - Help! I Got Tricked Into Third Wheeling An Engagement Trip

Episode Date: May 14, 2024

Today on Oversharing Jordana fills us in on her latest move. Our Overshare comes from a Betch who’s been tricked into planning an engagement. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a listener grappling with guardianship. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for runner’s anxiety that’s brought to us by the newest season of Bridgerton. And we’re feeling triggered by overstepping therapists and getting locked out of barre. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Trudana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. So great to be back with you.

You noticed right away that my background was different. And that is because I moved again. Again. You should write a book. how to stay Zen while moving. All right. So how to go? It went well.

It went well. It was pretty smooth. Was this just like pack a couple duffel bags and like you're going? No, we had to move. It was a little more complicated than that. We got an apartment. So we had to move some stuff into storage and then move some stuff into the apartment because we needed to empty the house so they could like do all the floors.

You needed to. How empty did the house have to be? That sounds. Pretty. But I mean, you've been there. There wasn't that much furniture. Just fold up that dining room table and... So I do feel like I'm living a little bit like a nomad a little bit.

But it's cozy. We went from my house to a one-bedroom apartment. So it's definitely smaller. One bedroom. All right. How are you guys working with that? Mike's in the city most days. So it's like not too.

It's better. In COVID, we were in a one-bedroom. Both working from home. in that apartment. All right. So you've been through worse. Yeah, it's going to be fine. It's funny, though, when you, like, when you move, obviously there's the difference

in, like, the location. But then there's, like, all these, like, little, like, micro differences that are so interesting to see, like, even, like, a little quieter because there's, like, you can't hear the birds as much in the morning. So it's, like, just a different, I don't know, just, like, these little subtle things that you don't think of that sort of do, like, affect your day. But you don't really notice until they're, like, gone. Right. You know. So do you, it's interesting. So when you have those differences,

do they, like, how do they affect you? Are they affecting your mood? Are you just like notice, is the difference making you uncomfortable because it's different? I'm still like processing, I feel like, because it's been like two nights. Right. It's nice. It's a little quieter, which is, which is, I guess, nice. It's funny to like kind of just notice what makes a difference to you. were, I don't know, I feel like we grew up around such chaos. Do you ever feel like you kind of like are able to withstand a lot of different changes and not even think about them because you're used to just like things being pretty chaotic all the time?

Yes, adjusting. It's so, it's so true. Like even on the way to school this morning, it was like a bit chaotic and everyone had their own agenda of what they were, you know, thinking and who needed what. And it was like, and I was able to just kind of be like, all right. let's all reset. Everyone take a deep breath. Like,

it's just, you know, it's all going to be okay. And it's, sometimes my own family looks at me and they're like, what? Like, I have all these big feelings right now.

Like you're, it almost feels sometimes like when you can just roll with a chaotic environment that sometimes people look at you and they're like, can you like just join in? Right. Like, no, I totally get that. It's like you're being a little annoying. Yes.

The vibe is chaotic. Get on the train. Yeah. No, it's true. I do feel like I have like, I don't want to call it like a numbness to that, but I do feel like I'm unfazed. Maybe that's why I move so much because the thought of it isn't that daunting. Yes.

A lot of other people would be like, absolutely not. We're going to figure this out a different way. That doesn't involve me moving again. So yeah, it's great. It's a great life. It really is the most important life skill to be able to just kind of take whatever comes, be resilient, say, okay, this isn't going to be ideal. This isn't going to be comfy, but we're going to be fine.

Hit me. Hit me with another one. Don't. Shh. Don't say that. No, I'm just kidding. I'm trying to like appreciate both because it's kind of weird because you're, I guess, you're drawn to like being like, is this better or worse?

Is it improved or something we've done? need to like wait like kind of like count the minutes to get out right yes for these situations and I'm kind of like maybe it could just be different yes maybe I don't have to make it bad or yes it's like what we were talking about a little bit with you know listening to music where your first instinct is to kind of is do I like it do I not like it is it good is it bad versus just being like it just is what's happening right now and I don't have to necessarily make a whole judgment on it I think that's great and it's great to be aware of your thought process on that. And also, I will just say, whenever I have financial stress or something feels like it's not going well financially,

I'm always like, we would be fine if we would, if we downsized, like if we didn't have this house or we didn't have this much space or the kids had to share a room or we didn't have, we would be okay. That's always my like, back up thing of like, we have room to downsize. So the worst case scenario is okay. So even if you're a worst case scenario, if something, God forbid, happened financially, and you had to be in a one-bedroom apartment,

like you'd be okay. Right. Yeah, it's kind of like I was saying the other day, like that abversion therapy. It's like, what's the worst thing that could ever happen? You'd probably play it out. It would be fine. Right.

Yes. And it's great to have that safety net of like, I have a lot of room to move down here from my comforts all of my life comforts that sometimes just experiencing that and realizing that you're okay makes everything else feel more okay. So I'm kind of glad you're doing this. Yeah. I feel like if you focus, I mean, again, you say this all the time. It's like if you focus on what's kind of annoying about a situation, then that is going to be how you feel. And if you focus on like the little, maybe there's always like something that's a little bit better. Yes. than it was before.

even for this apartment, I'm kind of like, it's kind of nice that like I don't have to like go all around the house to like go get my coffee. Right. Right in the next room. Right. It's like all like right here. Less to clean. Totally.

Whatever. But it's funny because we just had a guest on you up, Matthew Hussein. He was giving us this analogy about dating and he sort of compared it to like this race track or like racing, which I don't really know much about it. But he was basically like they tell you in racing like don't look at the wall. because if you look at the wall, that's where you're going to go. You're going to drive into the wall. Right.

So like you have to look like ahead. And so basically like whatever you're looking at, that's where you go. So like if you're looking at the problems, that's where you're going to be in the problem. Yes. If you look at the positives, that's where you're going to be. Yes. That's like the truth behind any type of manifesting thing. I don't think it's like repeating it over and over again.

But it's like if you look where you want to go, you're going to be in a mindset to go there. So yeah, I love that. If you get stuck, try our meditation for moving. I don't know if that was helpful. There's tons of meditations out there. Check them out. I even listen to them sometimes. They're great.

Do you feel a calmed by your own self? Or is it the kind of thing where it doesn't work for you? No. It definitely works for me. I mean, I listen to tons of other types of meditations. But sometimes I listen to the ones that we do. Because I'm like, oh, this is exactly kind of what I. would think that I would need.

So that's why we recorded it. So yeah, sometimes I do listen to it. Who better to calm you down than you? I don't know about that, but it is, you know, there are some, there are some meditations that we do that I think are really great and helpful. And so, yeah, I even, I listen to them myself, but check them out. And if you want to email us, you can email us at oversharing at betches.com. Or if you want to leave us a voicemail, you can leave us a voicemail at 646-363-6-2-9.

Shall we jump into our episode today? Let's do it. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I am in an interesting predicament at the moment, and I'm hoping that you can help me decide how to handle the situation. Here's a little bit of background information for context. I'm 26, and I currently live with two of my best friends from high school,

one of which started dating her boyfriend a little over a year ago. This friend is also the most well-traveled of all my friends and is usually down to go on a trip wherever it may be. Last fall, I really wanted to take a trip to a destination outside of the country. She had been dating her boyfriend for roughly six months at this point. At first, my roommate seemed very interested in the trip, but as we got closer and it was time to start booking flights and accommodations, she wouldn't commit to anything, so the trip ended up in the one day bucket.

Fast forward to a few months ago. I was at home with my roommate and her boyfriend when he informs me that he and my roommate are taking a trip to the exact same location I was wanting to take a trip to last fall. almost exactly a year to the date of the original trip. He then asks me if I'd be interested in tagging along. At first, I was annoyed because I felt like the trip was now only being considered because they had made the plans together, but I was grateful to be invited and have someone to go into this location with, even if it meant going as a third wheel. As we were discussing dates, I mentioned wanting to have our activities and accommodations plans since we would only be there for a few days and wanted to make sure we made the most of the time we have there.

A month ago, we were all at our place. My roommate's boyfriend found a good deal on a flight to this destination and asked for my passport information so we could book them for us. Almost immediately after the flights were booked, I receive a text from the boyfriend. It reads, Congratulations. By accepting this trip invite, you have become one of my elite employees.

I assume you'd like to do the planning for the trip because you've said you have to have things planned out. I do have a request. I'll be planning on having a photographer for one morning or evening for a surprise engagement, more details to come. We don't want to plan a whole day around that, but I do need a reason for us to be dressed semi-nice at one point, maybe before a dinner.

I don't know, L.O.L. It should be easy to get away with the surprise because I've been gaslighting her into thinking I want to propose around home. Ha-ha, so we have that going for us. Your secrecy from everyone would be very appreciated. I hope you are up for it. As I received this text, my immediate response is to say, what did you text me out loud because he never text me individually. But I refrain from speaking

as soon as I opened the text to see the topic given that my roommate is literally in the room next to me. I was so shocked and caught off guard when I received this text that the only response I could muster was something to the effect of, oh my God, I was not prepared. He explained a few more details about what he was thinking in terms of proposal details, but the conversation ended there. Then about a week later, I received another text from the boyfriend saying he messaged a few photographers and they were too expensive, so you may just have to do it. However, this text caught me even further off guard and I ended up not responding at all. So now it feels like I'm expected to plan the itinerary for the trip, make sure there's an appropriate moment slash location for an engagement, and take the picture

of the moment he proposes. Everything happened so fast that I'm genuinely confused how I ended up here and why he wants another person on the trip with them when they get engaged. Wouldn't you just want to celebrate as a couple? I'm still struggling with many emotions about this, which are only amplified because I can't talk to any of my friends about it. I'm frustrated that I was essentially forced into going on an engagement trip as a third wheel to the couple, mind you, without my knowledge and or agreement to go beforehand, annoyed that I'm seemingly expected to plan the details surrounding the engagement and lonely because I can't speak to any of my other friends about it because he doesn't want anybody else to know. I feel like my feelings have been completely

disregarded and like the trip I've been wanting to go on for a while is being completely hijacked. I also feel like I've been put in such an awful position because I want my friends engaged, to be special, but I'm not sure I want the pressure or responsibility of planning it, especially when I was not interested in doing so. What do I do? Do I see if another one of my friends can go on the trip so I don't have the third wheel? Do I tell him to cancel my flight and make up an excuse to tell my roommate as to why I can't go? Do I suck it up and go so my friend doesn't get suspicious? The trip is early this fall, so I need to act fairly quickly. Any advice you can share

would be greatly appreciated. Sincerely, a volunt told betch. All right, this is a lot. What do you make of this? What do you think? This is annoying. I would be annoyed if I were her too. Like the whole thing just feels like she like works for them. So the way that he went about it is so I could see this.

I could see this happening in a way where it didn't feel like this with the same scenario. But I think the way that he has presented this is like very irritating. And if I were her, I would do that. It's not like he like, first of all, if you're planning on proposing, I think you should mention that to the person before they decide if they want to come or not. Yes. Like not invite them.

And then once they're in and you book their flight, then you tell them all these things. Totally. Yeah. And I think the fact, I think I could see how it feels like he wants like a built-in assistant. And he even says, you're one of my elite employees. Like that's. Right. As a joke, but like clearly not really is a joke.

That's kind of what it feels like. It's like, I'm going to plan this and I'm going to like plan out your engagement for you, which is, it's almost like what you say. Part of a romantic, like one of the things that feels so special about a romantic engagement is that somebody put some effort into planning it and organizing it, like making it happen. Right. It's almost like hiring an engagement planner. Unpaid. Unpaid. Engagement planner.

Yeah. I could see why she's annoyed. But I think this is a great example. It's not even like he asked. One thing if he's like, hey, I feel like, I feel like this is going to be the best place to propose. First of all, like, is that cool with you? Like, I know you're going to be there. I don't want to make you uncomfortable.

And second, like, if that is, would you be okay? Not even asking her if she'd be okay helping, just telling her she's going to help. So rude. Right. Right. He probably thought he was being the best by just inviting her on the trip, that everything else was like, okay, fair game from here. I think this is a perfect example,

and I talk to a lot of my patients about, like, people pleasing and, like, not, you know, like, not wanting or not being able to say no. So I think she needs to figure out what parts of this she's okay with, what parts of this she's not okay with, and then just be really honest about it, which is not the easiest thing, but it's almost like in this situation, if someone has the nerve to do what he did,

which is just basically give her the job of the unpaid engagement planner, then she doesn't have to feel weird about saying, coming back and being bold and blunt about like these are the aspects of this that I like and don't like, even if one of them is I no longer want to go on this trip. I think she should do that, but I can understand why she would feel weird doing that because then I feel like it gets back to the friend.

eventually and it sounds, I'm sure, like the way he'd pitch it would be like she didn't want to help. And so she, you know what I mean? Yeah. She's not coming on the trip because she, you know, didn't want to watch us get engaged or didn't want to help or like didn't. I don't know. I can understand why she would feel like if I say what I don't want to do, am I going to come off as like bitter or unhelpful or like not happy for them? Right.

Right. I think it does sound like one of the bigger issues is her feeling kind of used. So the other alternative is she can say, I'm happy to come on this trip. I know I said I wanted things to be planned out, but I'm actually like, I'm not really interested in planning out this whole trip. I'm happy to plan out a few activities, but like I'm going to leave it to you to plan out the engagement portion of things. Like maybe that's kind of the compromise. Like I'll plan a boat ride. I'll plan a dinner.

but like the rest of this is on you. Because it sounded like she was okay with going before this. And I don't think it's that she cares about the engagement, although it is a little awkward to feel like you're on a couple's engagement trip. Yeah. Yeah. I think it would be totally fine if she decided that she didn't like want to go anymore. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And she could just say it like that. I think anyone would understand. I think this, now that I know that this is an engagement. engagement trip. I feel a little uncomfortable. I want you guys to have your alone time. I appreciate the invite, but I'm going to pass. I think it's better that you guys do this on your own. I think that's very reasonable. And I don't think the friend could be angry with her after the fact when she finds out that she

opted not to come with them on their engagement trip. Like, it's a romantic trip. It's not. There's some trips that are fine to have like a third wheel and great, have fun, do your thing. But an engagement trip where it's like, you know, I could see. An engagement trip and a honeymoon, I think, are the two trips. We're not inviting extra people on. Those people wouldn't want to be there with you. Right. Especially because she's the only person that's going to be there with them. It's not like they're going with another couple.

Yes. Or like the whole family or something. And he's going to propose with the whole family there. Yes. One other person does feel awkward. Because if they do want to have a loan time at some point, then it's like she's She's on her own in a foreign country, you know, which whatever. I see why she doesn't want to do this.

And I think there's a nice, she could say it nicely. Like, you know what? I really appreciate you trying to include me. I just don't feel comfortable coming on this trip, given that you're, you feel like you're going to propose. And she can be nice and say if there's anything I can do from here to help you. But I think she's going to be disappointed because she wants to go to this place and she wants to take this trip.

her other alternative suggestion of taking a friend, maybe that would be a decent idea if she can find someone else to go. But I do think she has to tell him, like, I'm not interested in being the planning regardless of whether or not another friend comes. This is your engagement. Put on your big boy pants and plan it. Is there a way to say that in a nod? I think she could say, I'm happy to plan a few activity, you know, I know I said I wanted to plan some stuff. I'm happy to plan a few activities for us while we're there, but I, I don't think I can handle planning the engagement portion of it. Or I think it's best if you handle the engagement piece. Right. Yeah. I think that's very nice, especially like you said, he was bold enough to not even ask her to tell her. Right. She can be

equally bold back and say, I'm not really interested in that. That wasn't on my suggested itinerary. So you can book that one. Right. Yeah. Just nicely, I think it would be better if you plan. That would be, you know, I think it would be better if you plan the engagement part. I'll plan a dinner another night. I'll plan a, you know, another excursion. But I think the engagement part is best if you handle that. And then if he's annoying about that, you could just not come. Right. I think if he like gives you push back or flack on that. Right. And I think the taking the picture is like, that's fine. I would just take the pictures. I don't think that's a big deal. But I could see how you don't want to like plan the entire thing and take the pictures like yeah i mean again and she takes

the pictures and then she's just there like the three of them it still feels like again it's not a trip that i would want to be on but if she still wants to go i agree the pictures probably would be like the most that she would do right also like the photographers are too expensive so like right it's also how much am i getting right right yeah totally if she doesn't want to He got a bar to the flight if he planned on having her do all this stuff. I wonder how that would have made all of this feel if he was kind of like, look, I know you want to go here. I'm going to pay for your flight. You're going to be my assistant.

Does that work? Does that work for you? Yeah, she might have been like, okay, that's a deal. I've been wanting to go here. Yeah. It almost feels like he invited her so that she could do this. And that part is annoying. Yeah.

Especially because at first she didn't realize that she's like, oh, that's so nice. Like, it's fine. He's including me. Like, that's great. interior motives. All right, this guy's annoying me. Good luck to the friend who's going to be married. Yes, I was just thinking the same thing. All right. Let's do a betchesist. Do you want to read this one? Yeah. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm a huge fan of the podcast and everything Betches. I'll get right into my question. Do I need to tell my parents that they will not be named as the guardian of my child and my will

if something were to happen to me and my husband? My husband and I had our first child recently and my parents have broached the topic with us on more than one occasion. My husband is an only child and lost both of his parents in his 20s, so it seems like my parents would be the obvious choice as our child's only living grandparents. However, we live close to my husband's extended family and feel strongly about our child growing up with them. I should also note that my mom and I don't have the best relationship. She has a temper and has always exploded on me and my siblings anytime she gets frustrated. She doesn't just yell. She says incredibly hurtful things in the heat of the moment. She's always had a hard time taking accountability and refuses to seek help for managing her

temper. This has caused distance between us, but we maintain a surface level relationship so my parents still visit regularly to see the baby. For obvious reasons, my husband and I don't want our child being raised in the environment I grew up in and plan to name his family members as guardians in our will. My parents will be hurt by this decision and my mom will definitely have an outburst if and when we tell them. My husband thinks we shouldn't tell my parents because it isn't worth a fight. His view is, if God forbid something happens to us, it won't be our problem because we won't be around to deal with it. I, on the other hand, feel guilty and think leaving them to find out would be a cowardly move. So do I tell my parents and deal with the hurt and fall out over a hypothetical

situation or do I keep it to myself hope that my husband and I live long healthy lives and parents are none the wiser sincerely a bequeathed fetch okay interesting one right my immediate thought was like why would you tell them I think but I also thought it was weird that they've asked she said they broached the topic several times which I also think is very weird like who would be talking about that like so often I mean maybe there's like a god parent thing or something that comes up. Maybe we don't have that much in the Jewish religion. So that wouldn't be as often brought up.

But to me, I'm kind of like, the chances of this happening are quite unlikely. Yes. And it seems like an unnecessary fight to surface. Yeah. I think if the parents weren't bringing it up, I don't even think she'd be thinking about like needing to tell them. Like, I think the fact that they're bringing it up is making her feel like she needs to tell them. I agree. Sounds like they live farther away because they like come for these,

you know, visits a few times a year. I think it's pretty, you know, yeah, two options. If she tells them, I think she could, unless she's, unless she wants to like go deep with her mom and kind of like air out all of her grievances and tell her like basically this is how I felt when I was growing up and I don't want to subject my kids to that, which is one option, right? Just like call out the elephant in the room and allow her to understand that her actions have consequences or her lack of action and trying to get help for her temper has consequences. That's one option. I would do that option if she like asked me directly. Right. Why aren't I going to be the guardian? Right. Or am I go, I mean, I guess is that what she, when she says she's broached the topic, I don't know how direct she's being.

Like who is the guard who is going to be the guardian type thing then right then she could tell her the truth and say and this is why right or she could just tell her it's going to be so and so right and then if she starts getting aggravated then she can speak her truth in that moment right um the other option is she can just say because this is how I feel with my kids like these are the people that they're around So it's almost like the blood relation, I think, is less important than wanting your kids to be with somebody that they're comfortable with, that they've been to their house multiple times. They've, you know, they know how they interact. They've, you know, spent more time together. So I don't think she necessarily has to go the route of like, because you have a temper and I don't want you raising my kid. it could just be like, they're comfortable here. They've spent more time here. They wouldn't have to be uprooted and like move so far away from everything they know or the child knows.

And this is what we've decided and not make it about the deeper issue and just make it about this is kind of going to be the least, the least amount of change that we can see for the child. For them. Right. Yeah. Best for them would be not to have to uproot and go move as far away. I don't think she says, but it does sound like, you know, the husband's extended family lives closer. So she could take that route or I honestly feel maybe the best route is to just do what they're going to do. Don't say anything.

If they ask, then tell. Like once you've made the decision. But I don't think you need to necessarily go out of your way. Right. I think it's weird that they ask so much. I would say, why are you asking so much? Right. planning on killing.

Like, what is the... Right. Totally. It just wouldn't occur to me to like ask that. Especially, they just had the baby, like, not that long ago. To me, it's also just like so she would have to die and the husband would have to die before the parents. Right. Who were brought seemingly, I would imagine, much older.

Not just one of them has to die before them, but both of them. It just seems like a fight that could be avoided if it's not asked right. I think probably psychologically, unconsciously, if the mother is asking, it's because she knows the answer and she's maybe testing to see, like, all this underlying stuff about her temper and she moved away and they only see each other a couple times a couple times a year. She probably is like seeking some validation because like you said, it's very unlikely. it's more about being the honor of being chosen. I don't think it's about the actuality of it. So I think you choosing her would be basically you saying, I forgive you or like I think you're a good mom.

Or I think we're close. Right. Or something. Right. Right. So I think that's really what she's probably looking for and continuously asking, almost like a, you know, validation that she's a good mother that you would trust your child with her.

which it sounds like you wouldn't. So unless you want to go there, I think it's okay to just not say anything and move on. But if they keep pushing the issue, then. Yeah. I mean, if they ask you directly, I wouldn't tell them it's them. That's right. No, for sure. All right.

Well, good luck with that one. That seems like a lot. Yeah. I'm sure this is something that people deal with. because I think as my, even like as we have grown as a family, for me, this has kind of ebbed and flowed and changed. You know, we have so many family members and like we've moved and, you know, life circumstances change that it's sort of, you know, it's funny because you're like, I don't want you to be offended that I won't give you my children, but like you also probably don't really

like want. I mean, a lot of people like all of a sudden, to get, you know, one kid, two kids, three kids. Like, that's a lot. I'll take them. Put it in writing. I'll take them a bit. We'll stack them in this one bedroom apartment. They could all sleep in the bathtub.

No, it's an interesting thing. It's like you want the honor of like having it. But if the reality of that actually happened, that's a huge life change, you know, to take on someone's like, you know, grieving children. Right. I forgot about the fact they'd be grieving that adds on a layer. You're like, we're just going to play and hang and have fun.

Yeah. No, but it's, I'm sure she's not the only one that has these thoughts around. And then if you have two like amazing sets of in-laws, like who do you pick also? Right. You know, like I'm sure there's a lot of stuff around this where people try to figure out like, how do you decide? It's kind of like you get to, who gets the award for the most trustworthy grandparents or the most trust.

Which is the best thing, like you said, like you get all of the honor, none of the responsibility by just being told that you could take them. Yes. Yes. So sometimes I think it's more about that. But it's a great question. We haven't tackled it. And I do think everybody at some point has to have these conversations.

But I don't think you need to let them know. unless they're really pushing it. Yeah, I think the only people you need to discuss that with are the people you're actually would leave them to so that they can agree to it. Right. Exactly. Yeah. All right.

I assume they have to agree. Do you have to agree? I mean, yeah, I think you have to agree. And I would never want, you know, like you can't leave your kids with someone that doesn't want them or doesn't know that that's happening. Well, just for the record, I'll take them. All right. Thank you.

You heard it. It's on record. It's on record. Yeah. All right. We'd have a good time. I know you would. You're the best.

Yeah. They love you. Let's do some intentions. And this episode is brought to you by Netflix. Hold your carriage horses and tighten those corsets. Bridgerton is back. Wallflower Penelope Featherington is finally ready to blossom this season and find a suitable marriage match with the help of former crush Colin Bridgeton.

To complicate their romantic worlds further, there's still the matter of Penelope's secret identity as the famed gossip writer Lady Whistledown. Will the truth about Penelope get in the way of the romance she's long dreamt of? Confidence is a big key to stepping into the light and embracing your true identity. It can be easy and comforting to hide behind smoke and mirrors, but living honestly as your most authentic self is endlessly rewarding. For today's intentions, we have a message from a listener who wants advice on stepping into their light. I'll read it.

Okay. Hi, ladies. I love your show and hoping you can help me in the same way you've helped so many others. I am a runner and I'm running in the New York City Marathon for the first time this fall. This is my first marathon. ever. This past weekend, I ran a half marathon in Central Park and things did not go as planned. Around mile four, I started to panic thinking that I still had nine miles left to go and there was no getting out of this race until I finished. I got so worked up and anxious feeling trapped in the race

that I cried at mile six and I had to walk most of the rest. I ended up walking more than running and had knots in my stomach the whole rest of the way. Throughout the whole thing, I was thinking things like, this is so embarrassing and I'm never going to be able to run the marathon. This was a really weird experience for me because I have run five other half marathons and have always ran the whole thing and enjoyed it. Crazy. I know. I truly think it was fully a mental obstacle rather than a physical one. I know I'm capable of running half, but my head kept telling me I couldn't and it led me to continuously stop running. I have another half marathon in three weeks and the full marathon in November looming over me. I'm asking for some kind of intention. I can tell myself on these

longer challenging runs to keep myself from stopping. I need to be in a mind over matter headspace, but I'm afraid after this weekend, I will have the same issue in the future. I appreciate any intentions you can provide. Thanks for always being there for all of us running and walking, Betch. All right. Well, first of all, awesome. Like people who run long distances, I really admire you. It's, you know, takes a lot of work, dedication.

So good for you. It's very mind-body. You know, I had this experience myself, which really helped me with exercise. you can do exercise meditation, which is, I think, one of the best forms of meditation. So this is perfect for this listener or anyone where it's sort of like when you're exercising, you get to this point where you're kind of like, this is becoming uncomfortable. And if you're not conscious of it, you just kind of stop. Unless you're doing a program, you have a trainer.

That's why trainers are great because they don't like leave it to you when it's time to stop. They tell you when it's time to stop. But if you're just running on your own, you get to the point where you're a little uncomfortable, your breath changes a little bit, your legs feel heavy, you know, you get a little cramp in your side or whatever it is. And then as soon as you feel that discomfort, maybe you stop and walk or whatever it is. Or for her, she probably felt that discomfort. And then she went straight into her head and started discouraging herself. Right. Oh, my God, how am I going to do nine more miles? I'm not cut out for this or this is so embarrassing. So if you catch yourself doing that, going into your head and starting to

doubt yourself or just letting your mind take over in any way and just say, okay, what's happened in my body just now that is causing my mind to have these thoughts? And then just trying to relax down your muscles. It's like why yoga is amazing. Because if you're in a pose, I don't know if this ever happened to you with yoga or running or whatever, you're in a pose and it's really uncomfortable. And then you just like come back to your breath and relax. And all of a sudden, you're like, oh, wait, it was kind of like my mind that was making that uncomfortable. Just relaxing your body, then suddenly you can kind of push through the mental block. Like, I've had the experience where I've been running and wanted to stop and I did this type of exercise. And then I can go for another like mile or like a long while after I think I'm done. You can just relax your body, get past that mental block. And then you actually can get like an entire second wind just based on controlling your mindset. So I think this is a great learning lesson for her. What is the thing that you say? say. So what I think she can tell herself, and this is sort of the intention that I wrote for her,

the four steps. Stop, search, breathe now. So, and I'll explain what they are. Stop your, like, train of thought. Train of thought. Okay. Stop that train of thought. You got to get in that moment, you're like, okay, something's going, I'm going off the tracks. I have to stop this train of thought. Search what's happening in my body. What just happened in my body that, created this train of thought. Do I feel a cramp in my side? Do I feel my breath is a little short? Do I feel discomfort in my legs? Maybe she felt like a tiny tweak in her ankle. Something happened in her body that felt uncomfortable. So search for what that is. So stop the train of thought. Search what's happening in your body. And then breathe.

on the in-breath, you're going to fill that space that's uncomfortable with a new energy, like a positive new energy. Breathe in new energy and then breathe out and relax. So stop the train of thought. Search my body. What sensations in my body are telling my mind there's a problem right now. So that's where then you focus. So you actually put focus on the uncomfortable area. breathe new energy into the space, breathe out and relax your muscles. And then the last step is really important. And that's now. So this is just a quick way to remember it. Now is basically get in your senses. So find five ways to get into your senses, something you can see, hear, smell, feel, whatever it is. So any combination of that, I know people say like five things you

can see or we've talked about that. Five things you can see, four things you can hear. You can do that or you can just focus on five sensations that are happening in your body. So the feeling of the pavement on the bottom of your feet, you know, noticing the color of the sky or the sound of your breath or, you know, just coming into your body in that moment because that's automatically going to pull you away from that train of thought that was taking you to the, this is embarrassing. I'm never going to be able to do this. And in combination with relaxing down your body, she needs. She needs to be, knows she can do it. Yeah. I believe her. I know she can do it. It's her mind going off track. So stop, search, breathe now. And you'll come back into your body. You'll breathe through whatever

that little discomfort is because that's going to happen when you're running a marathon. You're going to have something that feels uncomfortable, a chafing or your breath or whatever. If you don't doubt yourself, then it's just a momentary discomfort, which is why I love this type of exercise as a mindfulness exercise. Yeah, I like that. Okay. That seems like a good thing she can practice with, do? I can't imagine running a marathon. It's so long. Yeah, so long. I think it's, it really is, like I love it for that reason. It's like a microcosm of mindfulness. You're going to get uncomfortable. Something is going to happen. It's going to create uncomfortable sensations in your body that are going to tell your mind to start seeking the environment for,

problems. It's too hot. It's too cold. My shoes, I shouldn't have worn this shirt. There's too many hills. You know, whatever the thing is that you're going to then say, oh, this is why I can't do it. And just stop. What's happening in my body? Search. Breathe. Come into your senses in the now. When you're running 26 miles, you're going to need to do this. And it's an amazing tactic. And for all the rest of the listeners out there, you can do this if you're starting an exercise journey. if you start today to decide that you want to make today the first day that you exercise, you're going to be uncomfortable. So in order to push through, it really is helpful to kind of be like, what is uncomfortable,

how uncomfortable is it? And then if you try this, stop, search, breathe now, and you still feel like it's intolerable, then you stop and you walk for a little bit and then come back to it. Yeah. I like this because you can, you could use it for the marathon or like you said, Or like a 45 minute workout class where you're like, it's only minute 10. Yes. I can't believe it.

Yes. Yes. Why did I sign up for this? It was, you know, whatever it is, totally. Or anything in life, really, where you're kind of realizing that you're uncomfortable and you need a quick reminder of how to come into the present moment. How do you know if like you actually should stop or like, I guess their body part probably tells you that like are you actually in a real pain right so i think my delineation and i get this from yoga is

kind of like being able to know the difference between pain and discomfort right so at least for yoga it's kind of like if you're in pain you should probably stop like if something feels like painful if it just feels like a burning sensation or like a fatigue sensation or just kind of like this isn't comfortable, but it doesn't actually feel like pain. And same thing for her. If she feels like a sharp pain in her foot or something, you should probably stop and walk for a little while. Right. Sometimes that is your body telling you. Right. Something. But she said it is mental. So for her in this case, that'll be really helpful. I'm sure that would have been helpful on this run, but she's got another practice coming up. And I think it's incredible. The idea of running a marathon to me is

totally insane. I could never do it. I've never wanted to do it. It just seems so overwhelming. Running is hard. You really have to get your body used to it. It's a great exercise. People love it. Yes. It's, you know, it's really good for you. And it also is an opportunity to do this mindfulness practice. And kind of a lot of people feel like it clears our head or just the sound of your breath can be kind of trance like. I think you can get into kind of a trance when you're running to. runners high so they say so they say I don't buy it but yeah I had that once when I was in grad school I was running a lot and I had two times in my life where I ran 10 miles with the way I would describe runners high if I felt it which I think that I did in that moment it was almost like your breath is so

regulated that you're running but you feel like you're sitting on a couch like your body is so calm and like relaxed, but you're running. So it's like, oh my God, I'm running, but I don't, my body isn't overreacting to this exercise. It's just so comfortable in this feeling of running. Do you have to do 10 miles to get that feeling? I don't think it's the 10 miles. I think it's more the working your body to be so comfortable in a state of running. Like, I don't think there's anyone that went out for their first time ever running and felt that. I think it's something that you feel. when you work your way up to your body just being so efficient at running that you feel super calm while you're actually like flying down the street.

It's a cool feeling. I'll probably never feel it again. I'm not doing that. It sounds very cool. I don't think that's going to be my thing. But jealous that of anyone who can get to that point seems like it requires too much work to get there. Yeah.

It does require work, which is the cool thing about it. You have to like earn it. Congrats. You're going to do great. Hope this helps. It's going to be great. Yes. And thanks to our sponsor, Netflix. Dearest gentle readers, will longtime friends Colin Bridgerton and Penelope Featherington

defy odds and expectations to find true love this social season? Has Penelope truly pushed aside her feelings for Colin? Will Colin realize his feelings before another suitor takes Penelope's hand? And Will Penelope's secret identity is famed gossip writer Lady Whistledown, destroy any chance she may have at love. You'll have to watch and see. Watch part one of Bridgetton, only on Netflix. May 16th. All right. Let's do some triggers. Do you want to read our first one? Sure. Here we go.

Hi, Dr. N and J. I wanted to reach out after a triggering situation with my therapist just happened earlier today. I know others have already reached out about a variety of triggering moments with their therapist, so I figured I would add to the collection. We love it. This is the therapist burn book here. They're all going to come for you as a traitor to one of them. Really, though. During my therapy session today, I was telling my therapist about the rough week I had, which was a mix of work stress, getting a negative pregnancy test. I'm trying to conceive and family drama. I mentioned that my mood being down and feeling more self-conscious than usual this week could be related to possibly having PMS. In response, my therapist responded by saying it was likely because I had missed my session with her last week. I had family in town visiting and so had to cancel my session. And that I seem to do better on weeks when I attend my therapy session. She went on to say that it was important that I commit to weekly sessions and that therapy won't be as effective for me unless I'm able to commit to it every week. I typically go two to three times a month even if I can't go every week.

I didn't respond much other than some weeks I'm busier than others and I'm doing the best I can, but I was taken aback by her comments. This was triggering to me for a variety of reasons. First off, I've seen her for the past two years, one, and had to cancel sessions in the past plenty of times, and she's never made a comment like this before. Another reason is because I've worked on my anxiety in sessions, and now I have a history of searching for the meaning behind when I feel shitty. And she has encouraged me to focus less on finding the meaning behind the why of mood and focus more on accepting slash sitting with it. Also, as a therapist myself, I find this type of comment to be unprofessional and puts way too much pressure on the clients. What do you think of this situation? Best therapist knows best?

Very interested to hear your take as a therapist. It's funny, this is like a therapist who's seeing another therapist. Right. Talking to. Getting their take from another therapist and me. So I'm excited to be the only non-therapist. Yeah. What do you think is a non-therapist?

I think if her therapist wanted to say something to her about keeping the sessions, I think she could have separated it from the discussion about her bad week because it does feel like she's attributing the bad week to like to something that directly benefits her, which is her attending the sessions. Right. But I don't think she cancels a lot. I could see why that would be annoying too. Yes, totally. I think, I agree. I think it was probably a separate conversation that felt like there was an open. opening to address it, which is probably what annoyed her.

She was kind of like, that's probably a separate conversation. And you're kind of like as I'm telling you what's bothering me, you're kind of swooping in with what feels like a separate agenda. So I could see why that's annoying. I think the other thing that I get that annoyed her was the therapist is kind of teaching her to do this thing that's like, let's not discuss the why. let's not overanalyze why you're feeling something and just sit with the feelings and like allow them to pass or whatever it is except for when it's because you missed your therapy session.

Which is something that I, right, that directly impacts me. Right. So I could see why this is annoying. I don't know. We had one where it was like the therapist was kind of, I think the therapist was sort of saying something like, well, maybe it's because you're drinking too much or like, you know, I think it sort of is reasonable. expectation for a therapist to say, I've noticed this pattern of like when you seem to have more

anxiety and less. And if it's like, I notice that after you go out drinking with your friends, you typically have more anxiety the next day. I think that's a reasonable thing for a therapist to point out. But because this was about her relationship with the therapist, it felt kind of like that she had another agenda and was bringing in this, you know, this listener's issues into her own agenda of like wanting her to be more consistent in therapy. But like I always say, when there's therapist issues, I think it's great to have this exact conversation. This is what your therapist is for.

I've had some of the best conversations when people come in and they're like, I felt it's usually not, I think a lot of people struggle to do it in the moment, right? Where they're like, in this moment, what you just said, like gave me a feeling in my stomach or like made me feel really annoyed. A lot of people. Processing it. Right. And it's also like just we are averse to conflict a lot. So like our most people's initial thing is like avoid conflict for the most part. But yeah, once you process it and come back, I would come back and tell her, how you felt and kind of say, I feel like, yes, maybe we do need to have a conversation about the amount of sessions that I'm canceling. I would have preferred if that was a separate conversation,

other than like tying it into what I was going through, which maybe made her feel like she wasn't listening or she was, you know, derailing the conversation away from what she would typically do is like, okay, this is how you're feeling, like, let's sit with your feelings. Let's not overanalyze this. it's just a moment or whatever it is that she's doing with her. Yeah, I think she should tell her how she feels and just say that it was very off-putting. Like I said, I've had some of the best conversations and grown really close and felt like I've learned a lot more about who my patients really are when they've come to me and said, in our session, this thing happened between me and you that made me feel a certain way.

And the beauty of that is that like unlike the other conflicts that they tell you about, you actually like know the other side. Yes. And they're like. Yes. You know what I mean? It's like a real breathing thing. Totally.

It's in the moment. You're doing, you're practicing confrontation. You're practicing not people pleasing. You're practicing, you know, communicating. And hopefully you're going to get back a real communication from the therapist. about like what, you know, what her boundaries are in cancellations, like what the expectations are in your relationship in terms of, you know, how to move forward. And sometimes these types of conversations might lead you to saying, you know what, maybe I do

want to really only come every other week because she might be right, right? If what you're practicing in session is learning how to tolerate your own emotions and sit with them when you're not seeing her, you may be needing that practice, like, just like running or anything else. If you don't run for two weeks, when you go back to running, it's going to be much harder. If you don't practice mindfulness for two weeks or you don't practice sitting with your emotions for two weeks, you're probably going to slip back into that pattern of overanalyzing. So I think the therapist probably has a point in that maybe you missing sessions did, you know,

we have this grooved way of thinking. And our therapist is supposed to help us kind of create a new kind of neural network where we can have a changed way of thinking and not practicing it is probably making you feel more anxious and less present. So she's probably right. I think the timing was off. Right. And like, again, if she had said something else,

like, oh, maybe it's because you didn't sleep well. Like, it wouldn't feel as. Right. But I think because it's something that feels like she has skin in the game. Yes. Right. But it's totally possible she is very right, like you're saying. Like, I don't think the comment necessarily is wrong,

but that's a good point. I would still give this, I would give it a five. I was going to give it a five. I was going to give it a five. I think the biggest part that's irritating is that she's telling you not to figure out the why behind, but then when it comes to her, she wants to figure out the why behind. If that's something that you guys are working on actively, I could see that being annoying. And I think it's, you know, reasonable for her to, for you guys to to have this conversation about cancellations. But yeah, I would have been better to maybe separate it out a little bit. Have you ever been confronted and been like totally don't agree with? No, I can usually

see something in what the person has to say or at least validate like how it made them feel. Sometimes, I guess there have been times when it feels like just a clear, like defensive ego reaction, you know, like, but it doesn't, I'm not saying that I always say that I did, that I would do something differently because I didn't do something correctly. or take ownership over part of it. I don't know that I would do that every single time, although I would try to, like say, oh, I probably could have done this differently or that differently.

But most of the time, even if it does come out, if it is some kind of like big defensive reaction, there is some growth between me and the patient regardless of, because it just feels like, oh, wow, you feel safe now being real with me. Right. That's so powerful. New level of intimacy. Yes.

Yeah. And people do, people don't think of fighting as like a level of intimacy. Yes. Yeah. Well, when you stick with it and you get through to the end of it, it is if you kind of can't get to the bottom of it or you just end up both, you know, being stubborn, then it doesn't go there. But with a therapist, it's great because it's like, oh, so it's going to go well. You know, if she's a good therapist and you guys are a match for each other, it's going to go well and you're going to feel closer and it's going to. to allow you to do the thing which you should be doing therapy,

which is practicing the skills that you want to practice in the rest of your life in therapy, like telling someone something that upset you and like being able to communicate around that and feel safe communicating thing. Like that's the hardest stuff to communicate is the stuff that's like you did this thing that I didn't like. And if you can feel safe doing that with someone that's close to you,

especially your therapist, it's tough because I think that there is sort of like a power dynamic or like a professionalism in that relationship that makes it feel like there needs to be a certain distance. It's a weird thing. It's like there needs to be a distance. Like I'm not going to invite you to my wedding. I'm not going to send you a birthday gift. I'm not going to like, you know, whatever it is, send you soup when you're sick or like there's

certain boundaries that you're going to set. I'm not going to tell you my problems. Right. But I am going to ask for like huge levels of intimacy around like how we feel about each other. Right. And our interactions. So it's a weird dance you kind of do. Yeah. It's a very interesting, unique kind of relationship. Yeah. Like you tell me all like we talk in depth about how we feel about each other. We're like have these really intimate connected conversations. But like I'm not coming to your birthday. party. You know.

Right. And I, you didn't, and you don't, wouldn't invite me. Right. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Or I've never, I've never met anyone else in your life. Right.

I don't. I mean, I'm pretty open, but some therapists are like, I don't even tell you if I'm married. I don't tell you if I have kids. I don't tell you. You have no idea like, like some therapists are very private. I'm probably lean towards the side of, especially because I do this podcast with you that people know more about my life than most. But yeah.

might even not know if I'm married, but I'm supposed to have these like in-depth, intimate conversations with you about how you make me feel. And yeah, it's crazy. Crazy. But it works. It's great when you can when you can do it. So so confront your therapist. Let us know how that goes. We have one more triggered. I, Jordan and Dr. Naomi, I'm writing this triggered email after coming home from being turned away at my bar studio. I've been going to the studio for three years and have an unlimited monthly subscription. When I started, they had a five-minute grace period where you could enter class without being charged a $20 no-show fee. I had been appreciative of this policy because the studio is located in a busy city and area that has notoriously horrible parking options and lots of traffic, train tracks, etc.

I have at times searched for parking there for over 10 minutes. Recently, they changed their policy to only a one-minute grace period. Oftentimes, the instructor is the only employee present, in which case they lock their front door for their safety. The exercise room is in the back, but entirely visible from the front door. Some instructors lock the door before starting class, regardless if everyone has arrived in some way to see if stragglers come in before locking. Today, I was not running late until the very end when I got stuck at a long red light and could only find parking a three-minute walk away. I walked up to the front doors within one minute of the class start time and saw the door locked. After trying to get her attention through the glass and knocking and waiting for seven minutes, I gave up and went home.

She's also known to actually start class early sometimes, which I think also happened today. I felt a shame texting the instructor who was also a friend of mine after all these years, letting her know I didn't intend to no-show and did my best to get in on time. I felt like I was apologizing for something that wasn't my fault. I'm now wondering, do you think it's fair to expect members to always be on time in such a congested and unpredictable area? Is it right of them to start class early and lock the door when not everyone has arrived? Am I unreasonable to think that being late is not always your fault? Thanks in advance for your thoughtful advice, sincerely a locked out bar, betch. It's taken me about 44 years to realize that you just have to leave more time, I think,

especially if you know that this place is a congested area and you may have parking issues and then you have to walk. I think you have to know that you probably have to try to plan to just leave. a lot of time if you can. And if it doesn't work, then this studio probably isn't going to work for you. That being said, I think starting- You can't close the doors early. That's crazy. Starting or closing the doors early, unacceptable. And I even think one minute unacceptable. I think if they give you a five-minute grace period, that's their rule. That's their boundary. I think that's pretty reasonable. She has to leave more time. One minute, I could see that's

annoying and early that's not cool. Yeah. I agree. Early, no, that's messed up. That's your advertised time where I have until the advertised time to get there. One minute, again, if they are like plastering that on the wall and it's very, very clear that like they just do not start late and they find it disruptive and it interrupts the blow of the class and that's their role. Like whatever, everyone's entitled to their boundaries. She's also entitled to not go. I think, I actually think a parking after moving to the suburbs, I've come up with this opinion, is that I do think the availability and ease of parking around a destination definitely affects how likely I am to want to go there. Especially if it's someplace like a workout studio where I'd be going frequently.

Like that is actually a very important piece of like the whole experience, I think, going there, especially if it's like working out. It's like you're going to kind of like get out of your head and relax. You're like, if you're just having a really hard time finding a spot or you're like circling for 15 minutes, that's kind of stressful. I would like not go to this place anymore. I understand like I don't know what the other options are. But right. To me, that's sort of part of the issue.

Like I understand her being like, well, it's not always my fault. But I guess if you leave early enough, like you could make it anywhere on time. Yes. You have to leave a little earlier. If you're going to do this, be at this studio. I totally agree. I think unfortunately, and I felt this, I will validate her because I felt this way with yoga studios where I'm like, this is supposed to be like a welcoming energy exchange, relaxing

thing. And I've had yoga instructors where it's like I walk in, you know, three minutes late and like very quietly go to put my mat down, like you're meditating. if my footsteps on the floor are so disturbing to you that it's going to like shake you out of your meditation and like that's a problem like and I get like a dirty look from a yoga instructor where it's kind of like that's not the vibe that I'm going for when I'm going to yoga that if I'm three minutes late I'm going to get a dirty look. This situation I think is different because they have a policy where they lock the door. So I could see if you're locking.

the door for safety and then the person has to be like looking out to make to come out of the class leave the class to unlock the door this is a problem for the studio they should have a front desk person that would solve this problem yeah but that's what's i'm saying that's those that's their choice as a business they do whatever is in their interest right you as the customer do whatever's in your interest and if it's like their policies don't work for you you should go but i can't I don't know that you can like tell them to change the policies. Unless I would complain if they started early though. I think that's messed up.

Totally. Next time you should get there early, hide outside, see what time they actually lock the door. And then you can complain. I have a feeling maybe they're not actually starting early. But if they do, I agree. Unacceptable. But yeah, if you want to go here, you're just going to have to incorporate an extra half an hour into your time to get. there, be relaxed, you know, find your spot. I mean, I'm always late also, but I do find like being chronically

late is extremely stressful. Yes. Yes. I just really in the last, maybe that's why you're still kind of, in the last decade of my life probably figured out that it's much less stressful to just leave earlier. And like lose an extra four minutes of your life being there early. Yes. And those are, they're peaceful minutes. Yes. being there totally so triggered i don't know again if they're actually locking it early i would give it like a six if they're not locking it early which i have a feeling they're not i would give it like a four three i'd give it a four because i do feel like it's just like just feels triggering to be locked out yeah she got all dressed she went all the way there she found the spot at the door at the door yeah

I get it. I get it. But like that's the policy. I get it. I'm trying to teach you a lesson. Yes. All right. We did it.

I hope this helps. Feel free to reach out. And if you guys are listening, if you're interested in joining in any of my groups, I have room and I'm starting a Tuesday group at 1030 Eastern, which I know isn't like the best time for some people. But if you happen to have work from home Tuesdays, or that works for you.

you reach out, shoot me an email, Naomi Bernstein Psych at gmail.com. I'd be happy to meet you. The groups are really fun. And yeah, that's it. Like minded oversharing listeners. Yes, love it. I mean, honestly, I'm not just saying this. Like, it's such an amazing space that oversharing listeners, they're all like so supportive and they're wise and it's not just me. Like, they give each other amazing advice. It's really a great space. So if you're interested in getting involved, reach out to me. But yeah, that's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby. Editing by Jazz Apados. Guest booking by Ali Friedlander and send your emails to Oversharing at Betches.com. Betches.