Oversharing - Help! My Mother-In-Law Facetuned My Engagement Photo!

Episode Date: August 13, 2024

Today on Oversharing, Dr. Naomi’s flight home was delayed, so she and Jordana are back in the studio once again. They discuss how mindfulness and meditation can help when life throws you an unexpected hurdle. Our Overshare comes from a Betch who needs help navigating a step-parent relationship with her ex-boyfriend’s son. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a listener who lost a friend over dog sitting compensation. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for a gym-goer who feels anxious after an unpleasant encounter with an angry man. And we’re feeling triggered by moms who expect free labor and mothers-in-law who Facetune our photos without our consent. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Dr. Drodhanna Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. And we're back with another fortuitous in-studio recording.

How exciting. I can't believe I'm here. I can't believe you're here too. You sound a little like. How did I get here? This wasn't supposed to happen. Yeah. We had a three-day flight delay, which is crazy.

Crazy. It's never happened to me in my life. I mean, there's been Hurricane Debbie. Yes. Which is just a funny name for a hurricane also, causing issues. It's like a cookie, you know. Tough month to work at Delta, I feel like with their tech outages. They had that whole flight absurdity a few weeks ago, and then this weather, they really can't catch a break.

I almost, you know, as someone who loves to yell at customer service representatives, I almost feel bad for them. Yeah. Oh, that's nice of you. Well, I think that's because I'm not actually affected. I haven't flown in the past month. So I do feel. I really do. It's always easier to feel sympathy from afar. I do feel bad for them. I think it was funny because we were, as you know, these delays are like a whole process. It's not like they just tell you immediately. It's like they delay it. They delay it. They delay it. Then they cancel it. then everyone's scrambling to get new flights. And by the time they cancel it, you're already like so irritated by all the delays that you're like really worked into a tizzy. And then we had a whole thing where we kind of had a feeling this was going to happen.

Remember I told you, I bought that big huge bag with all of my stuff. So now we have to figure out, are we giving them, are we going to put our bags on this belt and then have to get them back? And what did you? do. So we moved a bunch of essentials into like a Brooks's little bag, which is like a tiny bag,

and we kept that one. And then we let all of our rest of our bags go. And of course, two hours later, we're waiting in the baggage line to get them back. To get them back. Okay. It wasn't as bad as I thought, but we ended up getting our, you know, but that was just another after the whole thing, now you have to wait another hour to get your actual bags back. It was really frustrating. At a moment like that, is that when your years of daily meditation really do come in handy? 100%. Yeah. It's very true.

I was calm. You've been prepping. This is like your Olympics. This is the moment that we've been planning for. Yes. It actually, like, because of that, it wasn't bad. And I'm observing, you're talking about people screaming at, like, the whole airport was canceled.

Everybody, when we walked in, I'm like, there's not a lot of people here because, like, all these flights are getting canceled. But we thought we would try. But I'm watching. everyone else like the girl behind me is crying. She's like, it's not even raining. It's just barely drizzling. It's been there.

Yeah, it's just not fair. And then this one woman's like up at the front at the customer service. And I hear screaming. And I'm like, oh gosh, like this is, you know, Jordana's twin here. Oh, oh. Well, ouch. Okay. But she wasn't screaming at the customer service rep.

She was screaming at her husband. Okay. That's better. It's better for the customer service reps. Yes. So the customer service rep I could tell was kind of like, ooh, it's not me this time. Find it where you can get it as long as it's not me.

Yes. So you could tell everyone's kind of like all the emotions are coming out. But it really did. We were like, all right, we're going to get a couple extra days. I have my laptop, able to work. We went home. We have a place to stay. Thankfully, we have tons of family here.

But if we didn't have a place to stay, and we were forced to pay hundreds of dollars. They'd have to reimburse. And maybe they don't actually because of weather. Wow. So that is lucky. That would have been really annoying. No, not even getting a reimbursement. Well, that's good that your training came into training full effect. Yeah, it was fine. It was. And, you know, Jared says that too. He's not a meditator, but he does always say, like, because he travels so much that sort of like what you have to learn to do is you just kind of like ride whatever happens. Yes. And I know it was actually really good practice because it was a three-day.

And we may not even leave tomorrow. I don't know. I might be back here on Monday. We'll see. I love to have you. You're moving into this all. You and the whole family can sleep here. Yeah, seriously. I feel like at least I know the way now. Over the course of the three days, the first, especially in the beginning, you keep thinking, well, maybe I'll call this person. Maybe we can try this. And then like you said, when you and Mike were amateur meteorologists at your wedding, you're like, well, let me check the radar. And maybe which way is that is it on the move to? Yes. So I catch myself wanting to do that and exert some control over the situation a couple of times a day, just being like, we're not going to get out of here. And then just being like, whatever is going to happen is going to happen. And the needing for the past three days to constantly remind myself of that. It's almost like you're forced to get the urge to do something. Call, check the weather. And then be like, this is just my brain seeking some way to control this thing that's out of my control. So, yeah. I like that. You know, it's funny. I feel like you can practice that in so many different little ways. Obviously, travel delays are a great one for that. Even sometimes, you know, when you're like driving in a multiple lane, either highway or street, and your lane is just going slower

than the other lanes? Yes. And then you try to like weave in and out of the lanes, but then like the lane you go to then winds up slowing down. Whereas if you're sort of like, usually if you just like breathe through it, they all kind of wind up the same in the end. This is the lane I'm in. It's a perfect example. Right. And even when you're speeding through traffic, if you are, how much time? You're going to get there 45 seconds earlier, like three minutes earlier.

Is that really going to make a difference rather than just I'm going to put on my podcast, take a few breaths and stay in my lane. Yep. That's it. We're just waiting. We'll see. That's a good, that's a good one. We should do, we should do flight delays for our next meditation round. Oh, yeah.

Right. That's true. I mean, it really is more about not knowing your future, like your immediate future. It's almost like the delay is the delay. And you could, if you know you're going to get there. But once you're like, you see the word canceled. What do I do? Right.

Your panic. I just spring into action. Yes. Yes. I have to hand. And then I, after I realize, I'm like, what do I, have to handle. I was working from here anyway. We have someone, thankfully, to watch that. First, you go to, like, things that are alive, right? Like, the dogs handled, you know, that you want to

make sure your house is okay. And then after that, it's kind of like, all right, you'll figure it out, whatever. Then you start feeling, well, what about that, you know. Appointment. Yeah, like, dentists appoint. It's like, you cancel it. That's it. Right. It's all going to be fine. No, that's a good, it's a good point. And I also, I think I, I forgot where I heard this. but it was like when you start to like feel that panic, future anxiety creep in, you think, is this going to matter in my life for the next five minutes, five days, five months, five years? Right. The longer ahead it does matter for, I think, the more you can justify it.

Justify it. But if it's five days, it's going to be fine. And most of the time, it's usually it's five minutes. Right. Seriously. So this is actually really good practice and good practice for like the first. whole family because I think my stuff rubs off a little bit more on them and, you know, right, they were getting with the program of like, all right, this is what it is. So it was nice.

It was a nice for me personally. Well, it's funny, you're like the boss or like the CEO of your family. So the employees, the people who are working there, kind of look to you to get the pulse on like how they should feel for any scenario. Totally. Like what are the people at the top doing? Right. Yes. It's true. So they were good. And I mean, it's not that bad. We're here. We enjoy it. Yeah, I got an extra hang with time. Yeah. And I got to see you again in person. Love it. That's great. Well, I was going to say welcome back. But I guess welcome back to the studio. And I felt like a working woman. I'm like going into the office. You know, what I do is very isolated. I sit in a room by myself with my patients, which is great. But like, zero interoperable. interaction. Yeah, no, that's a great point. I mean, now that I've moved to the suburbs when I come in, I like like like coming in because I'm like, I'm like a woman about town. I'm like, you know, go into the office or I'm going to the, if I'm going to the doctor, I'm walking to the doctor, I'm walking back to the office. So I'm like going to pick up my lunch, like my feet. It does feel

like you're like a lady who is on the go and does stuff. Yeah, that's why I put my earrings on. Yeah. It's like my hair back. It's interesting. You never lived in the city. I wonder if you would like it, if you did it for a long time. I don't think so. Probably not. I don't know. I've never been a city girl. Like I still don't really know which direction to walk.

And then I thought of you today because I was like not sure. And then there was some, this guy like standing on the corner and I was going to ask him. And I'm like, okay. See a friendly face? Don't talk to anybody. You can ask someone for directions, but they have to look like they're not like. Oh, you look like a normal guy. You learn the longer you're here, like the little like body movements of someone who's like a little bit off.

Just the way that they're standing a lot of the time just gives you a clue. But I was like, you know what? I'm just going to pull up my phone and figure it out. All right. Well, I'm proud of you. I also have a horrible sense of direction. Whenever I get out of a subway, whatever my hunches, I go the opposite way. Yes.

And that's usually right. Yes. What is that? It's so true. I don't know. I feel too. If I think it's genetic. Yeah, it must be. Yeah, we must have evolved in some kind of a very flat plane where not a lot of turns needed to be made.

Yeah, we weren't killed off by going the wrong way. All right, well, let's get into our episode. If you guys have a voicemail, you can leave a voicemail at 646-3636294. Or you can email us at oversharing at betches.com. Let's do our first overshare. I will read it. Hey there, I love your show and the very grounded and open-minded advice you both give, and can you some help here, as my friends tend to have strong opinions, and I don't think they really get what I'm going through here. Six months ago, I ended my long-term relationship. It's been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It's made more complicated by the fact that my ex has kids, and although most of them are older, so we didn't bond as closely, I grew very

close to the little one. I became essentially his stepmom without the legal title and was in his life from ages three to nine. My ex and I had originally hoped to maintain some form of friendship and for me to stay involved in some degree with his son as long as he still wants it. I visit him about once a month and I take him on outings and sometimes he facetimes me to chat. He seems okay with me not around as much and is generally a really upbeat and optimistic little guy, but definitely still loves me a lot and gets really excited to see me. I love him so much and have had such a hard time imagining just disappearing from his life forever after being there for basically all of the years he has memory of. The issue is that I'm also not yet over his dad.

I still love him to some degree and miss him, despite knowing that I did the right thing by ending the relationship. He has not long ago tried to get back together, which I declined. So to some degree, it feels like unnecessary pain for both of us to keep this involvement going, but it's just so painful and hard to imagine being like, sorry, kid, see you never. And admittedly, there's a part of me that doesn't want to lose all connection with my ex-forever. Thoughts, a heartbroken an ex-stepmother. Oof. Tough one.

Yeah, this is really tough. He's so little. Three to nine. Yeah, those are very like formative years. Like it's perfectly kind of bad spot. If he was a newborn, he wouldn't really remember. So yeah, this is, this is really tough. I think they're doing the right thing and kind of like it sounds like,

I think the goal has to be to like ease off. This can't be a forever plan. Right, to eventually get to like a no contact situation. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like the ideal situation event to get to would be like he knows that if he ever really wants to see her really needs to see her. Like he can call her, but there's no like scheduled visits. But I get, but honestly, I think it's nice that they did that in the beginning.

She doesn't say how long they've been broken up. She said six months ago. Oh, six months ago. Okay. So, yeah, six visits, six months. I think it's time to like taper down. It sounds like for her too because this is making it hard for her. Sounds like to move on if she still has feelings for him.

So, yeah, I would just back off a little bit, like make it when he asks kind of thing. If he asks, oh, when am I going to see her, then maybe you can make a plan. But I wouldn't do it like the two of you. I think the two of them making a plan for her to take the kid out. Right. Is a little bit of them not wanting to let go. Of like. Of her.

What is the kid. Oh, of her not wanting to let go of the kid. And it sounds like the ex also. Right. He's asking her to get back together not long ago, which was they broke up six months ago. Not long ago, he asked her to get back together.

I think there's a mutual, not in a malicious way, of course, but like using the kid as like we can't just split up because we can't just have no contact because there's someone else involved. Right. Which I mean, I don't, I think there's not zero truth to that. I think it would be probably jarring for someone who's

essentially stepmom was gone. Right. After, you know, six years of being around all the time. But I agree. I don't think it needs to be like, she needs to have like visitation. Yes. And I also think if they do the thing where she only sees him when he decides to FaceTime her

or do one of those. I guess I guess she He probably feels like I don't want him to think like I don't care about him anymore or I don't make an effort to see him. Yeah. Well, it's interesting because we had this kind of and I think people have this with like, and you had this when you were little with like nannies, babysitters where it's like you're really a part of someone's life. And then if they're not in your life anymore, like it's weird. Right. They were like essentially you're like second mother. And then you're like, okay, they move or they you outgrow the need for.

for that and then what do you do? Like, you basically had more so than me, I think, a nanny that was like a more present part of your life when you were young. And then one day she just laughed. No, I remember I would be like so mad if she got like a boyfriend or something. Because I would be like so scared she was going to leave. And then she did. I mean, like eventually she did. She had her own, she had a baby and she left. And I think that was like I remember like the feeling of like that. happening. But you're not like devastated. I'm not still thinking about it. Yeah. Right. But I do one, I do sometimes wonder if that, you know, I mean, I think it's a little different because I had to think that's especially kind of chaotic. There was more child.

What? There was more to it than just the babysitter leaving. Yeah, I think there's more to probably wound up leaving like right or right before like my parents wound up getting divorced. So there's probably like a little bit more cycle. If I had to go into it with a therapist, there's probably a little bit more there where there was like an inconsistent. childhood going on. But this doesn't sound like that. It sounds like the kid has, she doesn't say anything about there being any sort of like chaotic or bad parenting. It just sounds like a breakup. Right. Especially if his mother is present. I think if this kid has a good present loving mom, I think you can slip out every now and then. That's what made me think of the babysitter thing.

Because even with my kids, like, there was a feeling in the beginning of like, oh, she never called. us. I was like, you can call her whenever you want, but there was a feeling of like, kind of want her to like show that she still cares too. So I think there is a piece of that. I think you just have to space it out more than every month. It could be every three months until he forgets about you, which I'm sorry to say he will. If he's nine, yeah, he will. No, I don't know any like 16 year olds who are like, I still hang out with my dad's ex-girlfriend from when he broke up when I was nine. Right.

Yes. You're doing the right thing. Maybe over the course of the next, like, of a year from the breakup, you guys will ease away from this. Yeah. And I get why she doesn't really want to do that because she still kind of likes being in contact with the ex, but she broke up with him for a reason. And she's not going to really get over it, I think, if she's still doing this on a consistent basis.

Yeah. So wait for the kid to call you or to ask for you. and then every maybe two to three months you can do a FaceTime or something like that. Which will equate to like two more times. Right. Until he forgets or the guy gets a new girlfriend. And then I don't think they're going to be arranging. I can't imagine dating someone whose kids is face-timing their ex-girlfriend.

I think this will naturally go its own way. But it is, I validate that that's a very difficult situation. Really hard. That's why it's when, you know, it's hard dating when you have kids because you have to consider that piece of it. I don't speak to any of our stepdad's going to cut the court. All right. Moving on. All right.

You want to read our betchesist? Again, a betches dilemma is an ethical dilemma solved by your two betches. So it's a betchaicist. And we will tell you what our thoughts are. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. Love the pod. Let me jump into my initial question and then give some backstory. What would you consider fair payment for pet sitting for a close friend?

My friend asked me to watch her and her boyfriend's two dogs for a long weekend. I think it started Thursday evening and did Sunday morning at her place, which is about 30 plus minutes away from mine. At the time, I was in a difficult financial situation, unemployed with no job prospects, having recently spent my entire life savings on a car and planning an upcoming cross-country move within a month. I was excited to get even a little bit of cash and chill with some dogs to get out of my unemployment funk. We agreed on $30 for the weekend to tend to the dogs about three times a day, morning, evening, night. However, I soon realized that staying at her place limited my ability to do anything else

as it was in a remote area with lots of farmland. So I ended up commuting daily, spending roughly an hour and a half driving each day. By the end, the $30 barely covered my gas expenses. For contacts, I know that prices may vary depending on where you live in the States, but another friend of mine gets paid around $25 a day for pet sitting in the same zip code. After the weekend, my friend asked me to pet sit again in a few weeks. I agreed but mentioned needing more than $30, explaining my financial situation again, even though she was already aware of it. She responded that she would check if her boyfriend's mom could do it instead and thanked me for watching the dogs. I want to clarify that I had no intention of bringing up my frustrations with the initial $30 payment after the first pet sitting occasion. I can take ownership that it was my responsibility to address the financial aspect of the arrangement before agreeing to do it.

So I don't blame her for assuming that 30 was acceptable again. As I didn't communicate my expectations prior to the first pet sitting weekend, I didn't see the need to discuss it afterward. However, when she asked me to pet sit again, I felt it necessary to express my expectations and concerns regarding the payment. After that, she grew distant, ignored my text, and blew off plans. She never gave a reason why when I would ask her time and time again if anything was wrong. When I hit my breaking point with her, which was weeks after the pet sitting, she expressed her feelings. To her, it was ridiculous to ask for more money as we were friends and, quote, that's what friends do, i.e. you can pay your friend less because you already know each other. I was hurt and explained my

situation again, but she wasn't receptive. I tried to mend the friendship, but she cut me out and I never heard from her again. I was heartbroken. I will take ownership for the fact that I should have told her ahead of time that I would not like to stay at her house. Also, when I asked her about the increase in money, I texted her as if I was an employee asking a boss for a raise rather than a we've been best friends for over a year tone. I wish I could send a screenshot as an example, but my tone came off more professional than friendly, my mistake. I've grown since this experience three years ago, but I'm reluctant to pet sit for close friends in the future because of this. What are your thoughts on this situation? Is it expected to pay a friend less than a regular sitter because of

the friendship? Thanks for ends turned doggone enemies. This is an awkward situation. Yeah, I think I need to Venmo my pet sitter as we speak. So you don't get an email written into your own podcast about this? Yeah, this is awkward. Yeah, I think it's tough because it's like this is kind of why you shouldn't like do paid things for your friends or like involve money with friendships because it does get a little weird. I am a little of the opinion.

I'm kind of of the opinion that like if someone's your friend, they should either do it for free or if you're going to pay them, you should pay them more than you would. Right. Do you know what I mean? And it's either got to be free or like extremely generous. Yes. I think it can't be in between. I kind of agree.

I think free is great if it's not inconvenient. You know? Right. If this was easy and she wasn't, I mean, the fact that she was driving an hour and a half, that's that. I guess the friend thought she was going to stay there. Right. Or like she wanted to do that. Right.

This was just a communication issue. But I do think the first one happened. didn't work out for her. She took the hit. She took the hit. She wasn't going to say anything. And then when it came up to do it again, she was just basically like,

this doesn't work for me. The only way it's going to work is if this is financially going to be beneficial to me. I don't think she really did it. I don't think this listener did anything wrong. And I think there's friend's response to it to cut her out. All right. That seems kind of extremely harsh or crazy. Yeah.

Like it could have just ended with her, exactly what she did. Like, she didn't want to pay more. She said, like, I think of the way that she ended the conversation was fine. Like, oh, let me see if my, someone else can do it. That was passive aggressive. She didn't really mean that. I mean, she did it. Right. I'm saying, like, if she did, if she did mean that, if she was like, oh, I, like, actually wasn't looking to pay much more than that. Let me see if my mother-in-law can just do it for free. Fine. That's also her right. Right. But I think that after math of that is, is, cutting her out is totally insane. Yeah. It's, this doesn't.

seem, this doesn't seem like a friendship ending offense that she asked for more money. You could simply be like, you know what, let's not mix the two. I don't feel comfortable like paying a bunch of money. It would have been great if you did it for free. Let's just move on. Like, right. This is not an area of our friendship that were, you know, like some people you just can't travel together for whatever reason or like some people like, you maybe don't have the same parenting style, so you're not going to have them watch your... Like, this is just the thing. It's not working out for the pet sitting. Right.

Move on. Maybe the friend was, like, embarrassed by the way that she said it, which made it seem like she had like almost taken advantage of her. In the last one, I could see why the friend would feel awkward after she said that in a way, because if someone said that, if someone did me, if I paid someone to do something and then they came back and they were like, well, here's the reasons by like, you know, I actually got fucked by the last time that we had this in. counter, so I'm going to need a lot more.

And she said it in a super professional tone. I could see why the friend would be like, this is like a little embarrassing and awkward for me. And I like don't really feel like a, I feel like I am talking to someone. It's doing a job for me and not my friend. And it does make me feel a little uncomfortable. Like I would feel if someone, I haven't had a situation where I paid a friend to do something for me, but I can imagine if I did and I thought I was paying them a fair rate and then they kind of were a little, seemingly a little irritated by it.

I could be a little pit-up. put off. I wouldn't cut them out. That seems totally. Maybe a week or two, you feel a little funny. And then you're like, all right, I have to get over this. Yeah. But yeah, I agree. She included that for a reason, because I think that was part of what made this feel awkward was like in the future, my rate for dog sitting is, you know, whatever. I could see why that was kind of off putting. But yeah, I, we've seen a few. Like, we saw a babysitting one of these. Like, we've seen a few of these where never ask anyone for a favor ever. Or like you said, it has to be just like a favor. Yeah. And if I had a friend that I knew was short on money, I think that's the other thing. Like, again, it would have to be like this person loves dogs. They would, like she wants to do it.

She loves hanging out at my house. Like, she'll do it for free because she's a friend and that's cool. Or if I know that they're short on money and I would like, and I have a job, I have a way to give them some extra cash. Like you would pay them more, I think, than you would pay someone else because it's your friend. And you want them to have more money. You want it to be like mutually beneficial. Right. For everybody.

But yeah, I definitely, I don't. I think it was fine that she said, hey, I want to do this for you. But like, this is how it's going to work out for me. Like, I really don't. She seems to even own that the way she handled it, the tone wasn't good. But I think if she wants to, she could reach out and say like, hey, I just want to like readdress this. I'm sorry if I came off like, we're not friends or, or like. If you felt like embarrassed or it felt like I shamed you for the way we did it last time, that was not my intention.

I'm just like really strapped for cash. And I just didn't feel like I could make this work without more money. But your friendship is important to me. And I'd like to revisit it or something. I love that. I think they really need to communicate better. And I agree. There was something that triggered this friend that she was like had to run for the hills in this way.

So yeah, it sounds like you guys were really close. I agree. I would try again to just re-address it, own your part, and just say maybe it's better that we not do this. Like, I think you're generous. Like, I think you're a wonderful friend. Like, if that's what you think was the issue for her. But if she's still going to not want to be your friend anymore after that, this betchesis says that that's, like, I think an overreaction to the offense. I mean, like, we, you know, I haven't really babysat for you, but other sisters of ours have. Yeah. So, like, do I assume you don't pay them? No, but when they were young, I did. You know, like when they were like teenagers or like in their very early 20s, I would pay them.

And if they were like, actually, that number doesn't work for me. I would probably be like, okay, I'll find someone. Find the babysitter. Right. But you wouldn't cut them out. No. Yeah. So I think the friend's initial reaction was fine.

It's just the matter that she's still so angry. Yeah. I honestly, if one of our sisters, I was like, okay, you get whatever it is $20 an hour. and they were like, actually, I need 25. I might be a little annoyed, but I would be like, okay, well, I have someone else that can do it for 20. So, like, thank you anyway. Right. But you might be like, oh, like, if you've nothing else to do, why wouldn't you just do it for free?

Right. Like, I could see, you know what I'm saying? I can see why the, I don't think it's totally absurd that the friend is like, if they're super close, a little annoyed about the way she came at it, just in the same way you would be with one of our sisters if you thought they had nothing else to do. also, which maybe the friend also. Sort of, but I'm like, kids are annoying and that's like a job, you know? Yeah. Like, if she was just, if she didn't have this hour and a half drive, I would agree with that.

That's true. Hour and a half is crazy, yeah. Just do it for free. What's the difference? Like, you know, it's that type of thing where there was no inconvenience, that would be annoying. Or even if I was asking one of our sisters to babysit a newborn baby that was napping while I went to the grocery store or something that was like very low.

low lift. But people want their time to themselves. Well, that's how you know you have a really good friendship is when you can kind of have those conversations. Like I remember if you like, when I used to live in the city and you were on Long Island, if we were going to something in like Westchester, I'd be like, can you pick me up along the way? Right. And you'd be like, no, but I can well, you'd be like, I'll pick you up in like Queens. If you come to like a place that's, if you come to like the highway exit. Stand on the highway. Yes. You can jump in the car. while it's move. But it's kind of like, do you know what I mean?

That's when you have a really close situation when the other person can be like, no. I'll go, I'll be like five minutes in convenience, but I'm not, I'm not driving into Manhattan for you. Right. To the middle of Manhattan, which can take me an hour in and an hour out.

Right. And it's interesting because sometimes friends, friendships can feel close, but they still almost have a little bit of this like formality to it. Yes. Yeah. Well, like you always say, noted. Yeah.

This friend is not someone that you want. to mess with in this regard. And I guess it's different. Some friends feel like, well, this is just what friends do. They inconvenience themselves for you, but what is the spectrum of inconvenience? Right. To me, my personal opinion is an hour and a half a day added to your commute for three days. That's an inconvenience that I don't think you can ask anybody to do.

Right. Although she did probably think she was going to stay there, but the friend didn't want to, she said she didn't want to stay there because it was in the middle of nowhere, which again, also fair. Miscommunication, you guys, sounds like she's a little sensitive. Yeah. Do some intentions. I'll read them.

Dear Dr. Naomi and Jordana, thank you for this podcast and for all the great advice and good vibes. I'm looking for an intention to help me deal with some anxiety in the wake of a recent negative experience. About a week ago, I was at the gym using a machine when an older man approached me. He stepped up beside me and I assumed he was going to ask me how many sets I had left, which is appropriate gym etiquette to indicate you're waiting for a machine. machine. Instead, he launched into a lengthy, angry, and fairly loud lecture about how I was clearly wasting time on my phone and how this was a gym, and then I needed to start working out or move on. I had been sitting at that machine for less than five minutes total at that point

and had already completed two sets of my workout. I was on my phone for less than a minute while I waited for the timer on my watch to count down as my last 75-second rest period when he approached me. I was so shocked and shaken up by his rude behavior and also, and so embarrassed since I could see the people at machines around me watching the interaction. I just said, okay, in a snarky tone, finished my last set, and then got off the machine. As I walked away, I told him, I hope you have a great day, sir, in a sarcastic voice to which he replied in a similar tone, I will. I was so angry and upset afterward. I walked into another part of the gym and cried for a few minutes while I shakily texted my husband what had happened. I wanted to go back and say something to him

about his rudeness before I left, but 20 minutes later, I was still shaking and sure I wouldn't be able to confront him without crying, which just made me feel too vulnerable. While I know that I wasn't doing anything wrong and he was the one whose behavior was out of line, days later, I'm struggling to move past it. The first night, it took me hours to fall asleep. And when I went to the gym again a few days later, a different branch than where this interaction happened. I spent the whole time running through scenarios in my head about what I wish I had said to him. Earlier today, when my husband asked me if I was going to work out today, that man jumped into my head immediately, and I found myself again running the conversation over and over, and I can feel the anxiety in my body. I know with time

this will fade, but I would really appreciate an intention that I can use in the meantime to help me break this mental cycle and stop associating working out something I enjoy with this awful experience. Thank you. A bet she wants to stop sweating small stuff. This is very relatable. I think people have these like interactions that are really activating in some way. I could see this. She's just working out.

She's sitting there. She's scrolling on her phone, picking a new song or whatever she's doing. And this guy comes out of nowhere, surprises her, first of all, like raises his voice. Now she's embarrassed. Her heart's probably racing. Right. she's like super triggered and activated. And then what she comes up with is like walking up to him and saying,

I hope you have a great day, which is lame. I get it. You didn't have like fight, I guess. You didn't have the best. We've all done it. Like I'm not great with confrontation either. So she didn't have like the best response. And I'm sure if that were me, I would think of a million other things that I could say too.

So I think it's like the regret combined with like the physiological getting caught off garden embarrassed. Yeah. And this feeling like, oh, I just like got in trouble. But I wouldn't do it like the unfairness. And then feeling like you've been like scolded like you're a child. Yes. I wonder if it does bring her back to like some kind of a school thing of like this older man that like scolded her for something that she really didn't do. Embarrassed her in front of the class or whatever it is.

And then she just had to, like, sit there and kind of take it, which... Have you ever had someone yell at you, like, when you're driving? Yes. I've had that. And then that feels like a similar situation. Well, because you can't say anything because you're in a car and they're in a car. Right. And they're like, even that's probably not as bad as this because no one else can see it.

Yeah. I could see why... So what I think is happening is she's having, you know, when we talk about like post-traumatic stress or like a reason... It's like a mild version of that. Like I'm going to avoid the situation where this thing happened. And I keep thinking about it in some way when I go back into like the scene of the accident, so to speak. Right. Because I think she has this association.

It was so physiological for her. Like she says she was like shaking and like crying. And so I think she just has to recreate her old association with the gym. she said that used to be a place that she really liked and now she's it's like she has this association with this thing maybe it is some old thing about being scolded for something I will validate you did nothing wrong you're allowed to like catch your breath right and change your music and even if she was sitting there for like 10 minutes right the normal thing to do I could see being for let's say you did see someone sitting on their phone for 10 minutes

you're waiting for a machine you could say hey do you know when you're going to be done with, that would be like your first line. Right. Of like, that wasn't an appropriate reaction. She's saying she wasn't even doing the thing, but let's say she was. Like the appropriate first thing would be like, I'd really like to use this machine. Do you know when you're going to be done? Yeah.

Yeah. And he was trying to. I could see her even the embarrassment of kind of like, oh, maybe I'm not really working out hard enough. Or maybe I, you know, whatever it is. Maybe I am an inconsiderate, like person or I'm obsessed with my phone or whatever, you know. Totally. So I could see why this is, it's like living in her body right now and she just needs to reestablish her positive association with the gym. So that, you know, the intention that I have for her is around that, like kind of recognizing the voice in her mind that's trying to protect her. She was in this situation. She didn't get hurt, but like her body felt like it did. So her body's trying to protect her from having that situation again. So I wrote, I will notice my protective mind. without judgment. So just it sounds like she's really starting to get in her head even about the fact that she's in her head about this. Right. Why can't I stop thinking about this? It's, you know, it's not normal or

whatever it is. So I will notice my protective mind without judgment and redirect my attention to my sensory experience of exercise. So when you go back into the gym, doing what you do and just really trying to sink into that moment. The sounds of the gym, unfortunately or fortunately, the smells of the gym, the movement of your body, the working of your muscles, and like come back into your body in that moment and out of your head, because your head is going to go back to that. I should have said this. I should have said that. Like, I could see that whole interaction of have a nice day, sir, I will. It's like, it's kind of lame, you know, like I could see being like, that was what? Right. But what could she have said?

Walked away. Like I guess she could have said, I would like, done her whole explanation that she did to us. I wasn't actually on my phone. It was been a minute. Or literally gave him nothing. It was almost like worse. Yeah. Because it was just like so childish and stupid. The whole interaction between them. But that's not, it's irrelevant. Their interaction around it is really irrelevant. There's nothing she could have done. This guy just, he has his own trigger. Maybe. he has like teenage kids that are always on their phone. So he was like triggered by you being on your phone and taking it out on you. You hit something. Yeah. You had a nerve for him. And he hit a nerve for you.

Maybe he reminds you of your social studies teacher from like seventh grade. Like yelled at you for being on your phone. Yeah. You guys both triggered each other. But I think the thing that's bugging her is like I can't get back to my happy place at the gym. So recognizing when you have that thought, like separating yourself from it, noticing this patterned protective thought and being like, okay, there it is. I need to move into my body and be here in my workout, reminding yourself what you love about

exercise and why the gym was a happy place for you before this. Love that. All right. Well, good luck. Good luck. Let's know if you encounter any of their PTSD. Yes. Good for her for not being like, well, I'm done with the gym now.

Yeah. Totally. No, this is, I get, I really get this. It's triggering to have someone catch you off guard, yell at you when you're just doing your own thing and you're not doing anything wrong. So I validate that. Even when you are doing something wrong and you didn't even realize it. And then people are looking at you like, yeah, I get it. All right. Let's do some triggers. I will read this first triggered. Hey, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, thank you for everything you do. I have a triggered situation. I am the artistic one in my family. I work into school, so I have a week or so left in my summer before going back to work. My mom recently redid her basement. She gets these crazy ideas and does it. So she made a secret poker room that opens with a hidden door that looks like a bookshow. Already, I find this irritating because she constantly complains that she can't afford things,

but then spends thousands of dollars on renovations like that. That sounds kind of cool. It's cool, but like so weird. Yeah, it's very random unless she's like professional focus. poker player. Right. It's just like cribs or something. I could see Mike having this idea. When she first showed us the poker room a few months ago, she had the idea of me painting a mural on the wall, which I have no experience in. The idea was that the mural would be dogs playing poker, except the dogs in the painting would be all of our family dogs over the years. That's seven dogs. I think that's actually really cute. I think the whole idea is like, like a little quirky and fun, like that she's, like, excited about this personally. But she doesn't, the listener doesn't agree, clearly.

No, it's a really funny idea. I already started, like, picturing, like what. Same. What it would look like. We all laughed about it. And I said, and I said, LOL, that would be cute, maybe. Now, months later, I'm on my last week of summer break before school starts. She asked me what I'm doing this week, and I said, no plans yet.

Then she asked me if I could do the mural this week. sent me inspiration photos. I have to say, I find it annoying. I'm sorry to cut off this, this email and we'll finish it. I think if someone's going to ask you for a favor, they can't like, like, guarantee, like, say, like, find out if you're free before asking the favor, because they've already set you up to not use that lie. Yes. And I find that, like, very annoying. Like, what are you doing this week? Like, just ask the thing. And then I'll decide. It's like entrapment. Right. I find, I find that message. of asking to be a trigger for me. I'd like to know what it is before I tell you how busy I am.

Right. It's so true. That is actually really funny and true. She's setting her up. Yeah. All right. I'm feeling annoyed because that is a huge project. I would need to sketch it all out, which alone would take many days, somehow find a projector to project the sketch onto the wall and get a ton of paint and all the colors needed to cover all the wall area and then spend my last few days of summer break doing intense physical. and mental labor on a ladder in her basement. Not to mention seven realistic dog portraits is a crazy amount of work. This is really funny. Thinking about colors and shadows and proportions and dog anatomy of seven completely different dog breeds playing poker is wild. Plus, she hasn't mentioned paying me at all for all this labor. Art is expensive for a reason. It seems like because art is my hobby and, quote, fun for me, she thinks it's not real work. And then, that it's no big deal to ask that of me.

This isn't just a favor like helping someone assemble furniture. It's a huge art commission that she expects for free. I told her I don't think she realizes how much work that is, and it's not happening this week. I laid out for her all the different steps involved to make that happen and said that's an insane ask. She pushed back asking if I can start any of those steps this week. Still, no mention of paying me. I'm at a nine or ten triggered by this. I feel so uncomfortable and annoyed that I have to ask my mother to pay me for my work.

Any advice with this? Thank you. The best paintings in life are not free. This is very funny. Very funny. I can't get the picture of all the seven dogs around playing poker. I do too. Yeah.

They're all like, I'm trying to describe, imagine, trying to find words to describe the kind of dog they are in my head. There's like a bulldog in there. To me it's kind of like, why doesn't she just say like, no. I'm not going to. It doesn't sound like she wants to do this, right? I understand the mom being like, what a fun idea that will have this like whimsical, cool painting. And my daughter who's an artist and like knew all these dogs will like draw it. And it would be like such a great story when I bring people into my secret poker room behind the bookshelf.

Yes. But she's not thinking about the other end of it. And I think that would be a really cool idea if the daughter was like equally excited about it. Right. Yeah. So even if she was like, this is really cool. I'm going to do this over the course of the next year. Like that would be reasonable.

She doesn't, I agree. She doesn't seem into it. She doesn't think it's fun for her. She mentions the paying thing, right? Interestingly, we just talked about this. Yeah. So I do think she kind of feels like, hey, this is real work. art is work and I think if she was getting paid for it,

she would feel better about doing it. Maybe she feels like it's not respected, almost in the sense of like, you know, when someone asks you to do something as if it's easy, it's almost like demeaning her like talent or the work that goes into it. Like the mom thinks, oh, it's like her fun little hobby. Yes. Not realizing all the skill and the work that goes into it. So maybe that's another part of it.

She doesn't feel like it's her talent is appreciated. Yes. Yes. And yeah, I totally agree. I think that's why it's extremely triggering for her. And I do think, but so to the mom's defense a little bit here, she did say to her, can you do one, can you get started? So I think it is at this point up for the listener to say, no, I don't want to, I'm not interested in doing this project. Right. Which would be fair. Which would be fine. She doesn't want to, if she's not going to, to me, it's like only a fun idea. If she, let's say take the money out of it, if she's excited about it, that's the only way it's like a fun idea. Otherwise, it's like I'm, it's not, it's not like cute. It's part of the story, actually. Right.

Because it does sound like the type of thing that would take weeks to finish. And you're going to be there showing up for weeks when you don't really want to. This is not going to be a good thing for you and your mom. So if you don't want to do it, I think you just have to say, sorry, I thought it was really cute. first once I actually thought about how much work goes into this, I decided that it's too much. I don't want to do it. If she does want to do it, then I think it's reasonable for her mom to say, do you think you can like start on one aspect of this? The other thing is, if she wants to get paid, she might ask for money. Yeah. Well, that's kind of why, that was the missing thing to me in the email.

It's like, have you asked her to pay you? It's your mom. So I feel like it should be kind of like, again, a casual relationship where it's like, mom, this is going to cost like hundreds of dollars and a lot of my time. Like, do you want to give me some money to do it? This is how much I think, you know, all these hours of labor. Yeah. Or you could like find someone online to hire to do that. That would probably cost you just about that. Yes. I think if she did hire someone to do this, it would be expensive. Right. If she wants it. Nice. Yeah. I mean, I don't know what their relationship. relationship dynamics are like, but if that's the reason she's annoyed, I don't see why she couldn't just say, I would, like, if I'm going to do this, I want to be paid. Otherwise, I'd rather, like, go to the beach for my week before I go back to work.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah, I think you hit the nail on the head. It's triggering because it feels like she's not valuing her skill set as an artist, which I get. I think artists get that a lot where it's kind of like, oh, can I have a painting. It's like, no, you can't have a painting. I spent hours on this. I worked really hard. You can't just like have it. Right. Yeah, no, it's true. It's like, I can't just like record a podcast for you. A lot of skill that goes into that. We're like, you know, we've had that too where people like want to be like a guest on a show. And it's like, we don't think the guests aren't just like friends and family. Yeah. The guests are like this is a real job. Right. Yes. Totally. I could see that.

It's funny. Because I was just talking with someone today about like as a therapist if someone's like a friend is like looking for like a therapy session. And personally for me, I'm sort of like, I really do like that. Like, I don't mind doing that. I think if it's like a total random stranger that comes in hot. Right. Like, here's my issue. Right. That's when I'm kind of like, get a little bit pulled away.

But if it's a friend or a family member, but it sounds like she really doesn't enjoy it. That's the bottom line. Like, she's saying she, it seems like because art is my hobby and quote, fun. Right. Maybe it's not that much fun for her. Right. She's just good at it. Yes.

It's not that much fun for you, which is fine. If you don't want to. So I'm going to, she's at a nine or ten. I'm definitely not at a nine or ten on this. I bump it down because you're not communicating well. Right. If you, if she kept pestering, if you said to her, like, I don't want to and she kept pestering you or if you said to her, I need, this is going to cost $1,000.

And she's like, well, I'll give you $20. That's annoying. Right. And she said, she told her all the steps. And then she said, could you do one? Right. She said, no mention paying me. So it's like, did you mention paying me?

Yes. So I'm going to lower this because I do think it's on the listener to ask for what she wants. I get it. You want to just someone to say, I value your work. Here's what it's worth to me. but it's your, you know, it does sound like you said in the beginning, that would be cute, maybe.

So you left it maybe, and now you want to say no, that's fine. Right. And the idea that the mom had of you doing it, I do think is fun idea. Right. If you were into it. And she feels like, oh, it's personal.

Like it's you that did this thing on the wall instead of some stranger. And I think it also additionally saves her money, which is probably kind of the annoying part. Right. Well, think about how much She would, this is a great idea. If you, if you want to turn this hobby into a, into a job, how much would you charge for something like that? Totally.

This would be expensive. So let her ask for another, get a quote and then shave off a couple hundred bucks and do it. What are you giving it? I'd give it like a four. Yeah. Because she hasn't. I'll give it a, I agree with that. I would give it higher if she was advocating for herself, but she's not.

You have to communicate. Right. And then. And also, like, it is kind of a cute, funny idea. Yeah. I do think because of the idea is really cute and funny, I'm giving it a lower score. It wasn't like, paint your father and eye naked. Like, it's like kind of a funny, cute thing.

I don't know. Yes. I think I would give that, like, a six. All right. Let's do another one. I love this one. It's very funny. Oh, my gosh.

All right. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I have a triggered scenario that happened a couple months ago and I would love your take. My fiance and I had just gotten engaged and it was late at night on a side of Sunday, so I wasn't looking amazing, but felt fine about it. No makeup, kind of tired, but very happy. However, we sent the pick to my future mother-in-law, and I guess she agreed because she fac-tuned me to add a full face of makeup before reposting the photo on social media and sending a framed version to us. How triggered can I be? I've included the two photos so you can see for yourselves.

Thanks, the daughter-in-law she deserves. Oh, my God. I wish y'all could see this picture. This is so funny. So she's like clearly put like the makeup filter on. Because like the first, which is sort of impressive for like a older mom. Yeah. She's got to be.

She's clearly done this before. That's my first thought. She's clearly done this before. She like gave her some lipstick. Eyeliner. Mascarer. A little blush. Yeah.

Her eyebrows look a little darker. It's very funny. Yeah. She basically did exactly that. She digitally put on makeup on her. I think he looks a little different too. His hair looks like darker. Maybe that's just because if she did the filter on the whole photo.

Yeah. But it doesn't look like he's wearing makeup. No. This is, I would be like annoyed by this. I would be really triggered. First of all, you look beautiful in the original picture. You look happy. You don't look like I could almost even see if you were like sick and look like death warmed.

But like you look really pretty in the first picture. And she liked the picture. sure enough to send it to her. Yes. So. You guys look great. This is annoying. Who the mom cares about what other people think more than she? Or maybe she's just like, let's opt.

She's like an optimizer. Like you look good. Wouldn't it be great if the framed picture of you was like a great one. But it's also like, but that's not what the moment was. Right. And for someone else to decide. If she wanted to do that, I think that would be fine. Right.

It was like her idea to do that. I find it very triggering when someone else photoshopps you. Yes. Like that's, I mean, unless you're doing like a cover of like L, I don't, where that's sort of like a par for the course.

I think someone else deciding when you haven't even said anything that you don't look as good as you could is triggering. Totally. I mean, it would have been more triggering, I think, if she like was like chopping off body parts or like trying to like make her look thinner or that I think is and that I've and I've had people do that in pictures that I've

seen that. I think one of our one of our sisters once like edited like a picture and made me look thinner in it. And really? She did herself also. Oh my gosh. And I saw the picture and I was so insulted. Right. Well that's that one that's clearly not about you. That's like I want to feel like we both need a little thinning out here. It's not just me that needs thinning out. Like Jordy needs a little thinning out. Right, which is like, it's one thing if I'm like, could you edit, could you edit that for me? This is not my best angle. But for someone else to do it on your behalf, I think is extremely triggering. This is not as bad because it's like. Oh, it's just so, it's like obviously, it's just makeup. It's like, I get it. It's just makeup. Um, which is why she's like,

you wear makeup anyway. And like you could have looked like that if you put it on. Right. Like beyond the realm of which is, I find it annoying. Because it's like, should I have stopped the moment to like go put on a face of makeup so we capture the moment of us getting engaged like it's a different moment after you go to the bathroom put on makeup and come back and take your right this is exactly what's wrong with society and she looks she looks great it's not like it's like it's like her hair is like all over the place or she literally let her smile's beautiful it's just literally make up it's really funny um yeah i'm gonna give this like a seven yeah i would give this a seven or like an eight i think seven and a half let's do a seven and a half

Because I think, again, I don't think you can edit. If she was in the picture, it would be maybe a little bit better. Right. So she edited both of them to wear makeup, like you said before. But she did. Like he's not, I mean, if this was a real filter, he'd be wearing makeup too. He's not. That's true.

She doesn't have lipstick on. She doesn't have eyeliner on. Like, he doesn't have makeup on. That's true. Beautiful ring. Yeah, looks great. But like, my son looks perfect. He needs nothing.

Now let's get you up to his standards. Right. Yeah. This, I mean, this is a great story to tell all your friends about because it's just very funny. And it makes her look ridiculous. Really does. So funny. And I honestly. Did she say something to the mother-in-law? I think she could say. I thought we looked great in the moment. Like, I'm, I actually, thanks for the framed picture. I actually prefer the one that was like really what was happening. I don't know. You could leave it alone. I don't think you have to say something. This might be better, like you said, just for you. and your friends to like laugh about it. You could frame the picture and then anyone who asks about it you just tell the whole story too. You know what she should do? She should frame them both. That would be really funny. This is what his mother-in-law would like it to look like and this is what actually put them right next to each other. So funny. Frame your own and put them next to each other

and just let everyone who comes over ask about it. And I mean if the mom again, I agree with you at the beginning, like if the mom is photoshopping this and she knows how to do this, she's doing this to like every picture that she posts ever. Yeah. And that might, if you want to think the best of her, you might just be like, this is just what she does always. So it's almost like an automatic. If I'm going to put a picture in a frame, I give it a little spruce up and then I put it in a

frame. Maybe she thinks of it equivalently as like on Instagram, there's like the Paris filter. It's like the, you know, just what you do, even if the, what you do. Yeah, just what you do before you put anything online, which is kind of a sad thing. that people do that. I've done that before where I'm like, here's my face. It looks fine, but like it would look better if I just swipes right and it has this little filter on it. So if you want to feel better about her, I would just think this is probably what she does to all of her photos. If you want to feel worse about this, you could just, which I could see her thinking like,

now every time I feel like she's judging me, you know, like every, there's going to be a wedding and you're going to have to think about, oh, what does she think about, you know, when you go that you have to feel like you have to put makeup on every time you're around your mother-in-law, which is annoying. And you don't have to do that. She's certainly going to think that if there's pictures taken around mother-in-law. Right, right. Yeah, you might want to catch. I really think it would be funny to just have them both next time she comes over. That could spark the conversation. Yeah. Whoa. Okay. Yeah. This was really funny. I'm sorry. This is annoying. Yeah. Seven and a half. Yeah. Congrats. You guys look great. You both look happy. Let us know. Right in a trigger about the wedding. I'm sure this is not going to be the last that you're going to hear about this mother-in-law. Yeah. And if it's as funny as this, we definitely want to hear it. Yeah. All right. That's our time. Great work today.

Oversharing is produced by Rebecca Steinberg. Editing by Will Maxwell. Guest booking by Allie Friedlander. Be sure to follow us on Instagram and everything's fine. And send your advice emails to over. oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches