Oversharing - How Can I Get My Partner To Be More Responsible?

Episode Date: April 9, 2024

Today on Oversharing Dr. Naomi and Jordana discuss college dating rituals. Our Overshare is a voicemail from a listener who fears her partner may not have enough follow-through to be the one. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a Betch whose fiancé isn’t participating in family activities. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for a dog mom with a short fuse. And we’re feeling triggered by family vacations and tummy tucks. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How is it going?

How is your weekend? Going good. I had a good weekend. Pride in the name of you, too. Jeff's band had another show at like a college bar. at SMU. So that was, it's really interesting to just sit back and watch like the mating rituals of college students as someone who's like been there but isn't there anymore.

It's very entertaining. What did you notice? You know, I noticed a couple of like, you know. Dance or makeouts? No, not even. There's just a lot of like, there wasn't a lot of makeouts. It was like just these little dating. mating rituals.

Like, you know, the guys buying the drinks. And I can tell that there are some of the girls that are like just getting the drink just because it feels good to have someone buy you a drink, but totally not interested. And the guy is like trying to figure out which girls to go for. And then there was this one, oh my gosh, there was this one college. So the group that was listening to the music were not, that were like sitting and listening to the music were not the college kids. The college kids were like milling around.

Right. And there was this one like 20 year old kid that was coming over and finding like all of the 30 something women that were watching the show and like giving them attention. Like, you know. Okay. He was like, I'm not dealing with these like girls that are just going to come here. Let me buy them drinks and probably nothing will happen or maybe it will and there'll be drama and they'll expect something. So he was like coming. So he was like coming. in and trying to swoop in on all the older women. And I was just, Did you make a move on you? Not me. No, I was not. I'm not giving off that vibe. But there, you know, there were definitely, you know, a couple of women that I was like

kind of sitting with and hanging with that were. And they, they like, oh, my gosh, I feel so young. This 20-year-old kid is interested in me. No, I'm sure it, like, brings you back. I mean, it's so interesting. Like, the older you get, the more, like, separate, you know what I mean? Like, I feel like after college, like, you kind of feel like you're still in it or just there. And then you get far enough away.

Like, I'm at a point, I guess, where I'm like 13 years out of college. And I'm like, how did that happen? Like, I was just like, I was just like just out of college. Do you know what I mean? Because there's no, like, there's the four years of high school and there's the four years of college. And then I guess you go to grad school. but then it's just like life.

Yeah. But there's no like blocker of like pre and post like when you're doing a certain thing. Totally. And it's just such a different life. Like even myself, I look back and I'm like, I was just there. I was like, that's why it was so it was almost like nostalgic, but I'm looking at it from like a psychologist like socio, you know, like a sociologist mindset. So it was really.

And then I'm like, oh, I feel like I was just there in that world. Totally. I had a similar experience this summer when I was in Italy with Mike. And we were like getting a drink after dinner at this just like outdoor bar. And I could see, we were in Florence and I could see this like group of like abroad kids, like kids who were studying abroad there. And I studied abroad there. And I was like it was like there was the end of August. So they were just like getting there.

And it was just funny to see like everyone meeting each other. There's like so much excitement. And I'm like, like, oh, wow. And they're like right next to us. And I'm like, I like, that was like me. Like I could still like be, I'm like that. Right. He's like, I don't think you are anymore.

Like I look like I could be one of them. He's like, I don't think so at all. Yeah. But it's weird. Like you're the same person, you know? Like you're still the same person. It feels very like I could see. I feel the vibes of that as if I was still in it.

Right. I wonder if you would do it different. Like what I was thinking that like would you do it differently if you had your the brain you have now would put back in there you had a time machine oh totally and you were just like placed back in your college body how would you act differently totally and i said there were these girls in the bathroom and one you know they were like a bunch of you know went to the bathroom there was like a bunch of young girls in the bathroom and some of them are like getting all you know pretty up in there and this one girl was like sitting on the bench and she was like I could tell

she was like upset or crying about some guy and I was like don't let these kids fuck with you You know, like let them chase you around all night. Get all the feel goods. Get all the vibes of like they're interested in me, all that like attention. And then go home by yourself so that you don't have, because for most women, I think, not all. But for most women, if you actually go home with someone and you have sex with them, there's like a clingy, needy thing that's going to take up all this space. your head. But if you just take all the attention, feel great, go out with your friends, and then

leave it alone, you end up feeling like you have so much more power in the situation and you're not, like, crying in the bathroom because the guy you slept with last weekend is now talking to somebody else. Right. Easier said than done. I think the other issue is, you know, we're talking about like drinking. I think like ordinarily maybe that would be the mindset. like yeah that's the best strategic move but if you're out you're out you're drinking you're like you're kind of I think one of the things about drinking is you want to do what you feel like doing right in that moment right yeah the alcohol right and then it's you're kind of like maybe you wouldn't have done it if you were sober not that there's anything wrong with that I think

it's like great to like sexually explore it if that's if you're if you feel like you're having fun with that I think there's no issue with that yes I think if you're You're having fun with it and you're still having fun and you're not feeling upset about it the next day or the next week and this person isn't going to now take up all this space in your head, then great. Go for it. But my experience is that with a lot of women, that for whatever reason, you end up feeling like he now has some power. Yeah. Which it doesn't have to be that way, but that's how it ends up feeling for a lot of people. So yeah, maybe the solution is this is, this is, probably what I would, the advice that I would give these girls and myself is like, yes, maybe you're just exploring drinking and there's something about like binge drinking that feels like that's how you have the most fun. But you can be in college and you can still do the thing where you're like, okay, I'm going to have some drinks, but I'm going to have drinks within a realm where I can still make conscious intentional choices of like if I'm interested

in this man, I can be interested in him without necessarily doing something that then is going to make me feel attached when he's not going to feel attached. Right. So like, have clearer decision making. Yes, clear decision making where you're like, okay, you know, I still think you can go out and have a great time, even in college or in your very early 20s, with two to three drinks. I don't think seven drinks and shots and all of that is going to make your night that much better. Right.

Yeah. I agree. It's funny. This is like one of those like the quintessential forms of this podcast where it's like, you know, you're giving the therapist point of view. And I, you know, as a person maybe more, I don't want to say in the real world, but like with it, like if I think about like the actual culture there. Right.

It's not like, like that's the culture now, I think, among. because me and my friends will have a two or three drinks and then we'll go home. But the culture in college is just not like that. And I don't think you have to participate in it. But I think it's harder than maybe we're presenting it as when that's just kind of like seen as part of the fun. And sometimes, I mean, I do, it's funny. I was thinking about this the other day. Like sometimes it is fun to drink too much.

Like I actually do think that like for me personally, I'm not speaking for everyone. For me personally, it's like sometimes you go out like, you know, you all maybe like pay you pay for it the next day but like you're dancing you're having fun you're maybe having like more intimate conversations maybe it's safer now because like you know your my life is a lot more stable and like right you know it's the I'm I was thinking about like the trip I just took with my friends where it's like one of the pool days like I drank too much but like I'm like I had a great time I feel like it was like a clowny funny day and I don't know if this is like a socially acceptable thing, but like I just think sometimes it is fun to like

push your alcohol limits a little bit. Right. Yeah, look, I could see it. I personally would get so sick that it's never worth it. It's like never worth it. Right. But look, I could see that I guess you want to just get a little silly. It's like when you overeat sometimes, you know what I mean? When you're like and then your stomach really hurts. but like sometimes it's just kind of fun to just have that extra slice of pizza because you're just like in the mood to have it. Right. Yeah. Not all the time.

That's what I'm saying. I think the thing is like it's almost like everything in moderation, including moderation. Yes. Yes. Like sometimes it's fun to just like, you know, eat all the desserts even though you're going to pay for it later. Sometimes it's fun to just like have the extra drink even though it kind of hurts later. If you're doing it all the time, I think that's sort of where you have like. the issue of reflection on like why am I do this all the time but I don't know maybe and maybe a

therapist wouldn't agree with this but no look I get the perspective I think there's something about like letting all caution be flown to the wind I I get that um but I and I think there's something also about like um having a story to tell having like a you're bonding with all these people and you know like I even heard the two girls in the bathroom she's like yeah this is where I vomited all over the floor and they're like laughing. So much nostalgia. Yes. It was like reminiscing about two weeks ago when she puked all over the bathroom floor.

And it was like, you know, I could tell it was like a thing that was kind of bonding them together. They were vulnerable in some way together. Vomiting is like a vulnerable type of a moment. You have a friend there. It's like, I get it. The culture in a lot of ways makes you feel connected because you're like, I'm at my, craziest and this person still wants to be my friend and is like taking care of me and loving me. And like we have this moment.

You have a story of like something weird you did when you were in that state. Yeah. But I really, I do think that my advice would be to people who are out there. If you find yourself like kind of ruminating and take having, you know, men and these like dating, mating things, taking up a lot of space in head and it's not making you feel good. I think that like drinking a little bit less and being more intentional when you go out and you're talking to, you know, opposite or, you know, whatever, your romantic interests, whoever they might be, I think that being more intentional about it with a little less alcohol probably will long term make you feel a little bit better. Short term,

you know, yes, maybe you'll have a great time. Right. Well, you'll have that steady pace of like, happiness in, you know what I mean, like long-term, steady happiness instead of the highs and lows. Right. Sometimes you got to do it to know that you don't like it. Yeah, that's true. I mean, you said, it took you a long time. And I think myself, too, like to, you know, realize, okay, this just doesn't feel good. And it takes enough times to recognize, okay, this isn't working.

I need to just not do that ever again. And then still on occasion, you know, you'll go out and drink too much at a, at a, girls weekend. So, but yeah, that's my, that would be my advice to kind of skip the completely wasted puking on the floor, you know, sleeping with someone that then I feel sort of regretful about afterwards thing. If it's not making you feel good, if it makes you feel good, go for it. Let's get into today's episode. Our first email overshare is a voicemail. And if you want to leave a voicemail, you can leave one at 646-36-363-6-2. or you can email oversharing at betches.com.

Hi. I have a scenario for you all. First off, I love your podcast. You guys do great things and I'm just really going to need some help here. Feeling very triggered right now. Because as of this afternoon, my lovely living boyfriend made a mistake that seems to just keep on happening in our four-year-long relationship. He keeps saying he will do things.

and then as soon as there's like a roadblock in his way, he will not follow through on it. So, for example, today I come home and the water is turned off at the house because we live together. And he, about two weeks ago, I had mentioned that the water bill seemed high and it comes out of our joint stuff. And he has access to all the emails and everything. And he goes, oh, I'll call them and see what's going. on. So I'm like thinking, great, he's going to take care of it. It's off my mental load. And just to find out that it has been turned off. And I'm like, hey, whatever happened to you calling them? And he was, oh, I called and they gave me a call back number because they were busy, but then

never gave me, like, they were supposed to call him back and never did. So he just didn't do anything with it. And that has led to the water being shut off. So I am now very frustrated and noticing that there's a pattern in this behavior of he's saying he's going to do it, he tries to do it, and then doesn't succeed, and then it becomes like a frustration in our relationship. So I guess I'm just trying to figure out where to go from here in terms of like how triggered I can be and maybe some relationship advice as well. I would really love someone who can take off some of my load, and I feel like I'm not getting that right now, and I just don't know if there's so many other good things that he does and that he's good and kind and has a good soul and makes me happy in all these other ways, but this is the thing that keeps coming up. Is it worth it to stay in the relationship?

And that's where I'm thinking right now. So, yeah, just would love some advice. And I don't know if you can hear the frustration in my voice, but definitely very fresh. And I would love some older sisters. So thanks. Really appreciate you guys. And can't wait to hear what you say. I like this voicemail a lot.

I think, you know, even if people can't relate to this exact scenario, I think there's a point in a relationship. usually when someone does something that you're like, this is who they are. It's really annoying. Do I want to deal with it forever? And I think most people deal with that in some way, shape, or form because no one is perfect. Yes. And I could tell the part where she started, she says frustration in her voice. And I know it's frustration, but I think the part where she started to get emotional was thinking, like,

that I may need to end this over this. or like that he might not be my person because of this. So I think that's what's making her really sad is like I don't know that. And she said I need someone who can take some stuff off my mental load. So I think that's not happening. It sounds like that's important to her. And I get, it's funny, I get what because it seems I get her frustration because she's like, this is kind of stupid.

Like why would I end a relationship over this? But also like it's actually. really annoying. So you know what I mean? It's almost harder when you have an issue. It's not like, oh, he's cheating on me all the time where it's like clear and obvious or he treats me terribly or he speaks to me horribly. This is like he just does this thing or he doesn't do this thing that I really want in someone. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. And I get it because it is, it does sort of seem like not a big deal, but I think depending on what she's looking for, right? If she is looking for like marriage, and perhaps children or something that's going to require a lot of joint effort to get things done,

this might not, you know, this might, I think this could end up being like a daily issue. Right. Right now it's just a water bill. And what I'm assuming is like a rental apartment or something. I think you're the one who told me at one point. It's like your love language is like whatever you're not getting at the moment. Yes, yes. Like that's how you discover what it is.

It's sort of a little shifts based on it's like what you want the most is whatever you're not getting. It sounds like acts of service here is something. She's totally not getting at all. Yes. And it's like that mental load is huge. That's like what you're, you know, we just talk about like what takes up space in your mind. Like where is your what are you thinking about all day?

That's your whole life. Right. So like if she's burdened all day with carrying this mental. load of making sure the water bill is paid. And I'm sure this is just, it sounds like this is just one example of many things that she isn't getting any relief from him. So if that's her carrying a huge mental load is a big part of her experience overall, either she's going to need to learn how to deal with it differently, like figure out how to,

you know, okay, I'm just going to take care of it. or she does. So there's three options I see here. One, she's just like, you know what? This is not something he's capable of. I'm just going to have to handle all this stuff and like not expect anything from him. And he's kind and he has a good soul and he does all these other things that are great. This is not going to be one of them and let go.

Two is communicate and be like, look, this is actually making me rethink the future of our relationship. And I think she may need to actually say that to him. So he realizes that it's not just, she's a little annoyed. She's annoyed for like a couple of hours. She gives me sort of like an attitude and then she's over it. And it doesn't seem to have any lasting consequences. So he's not proactive about preventing it from happening again because he doesn't realize like where it's heading, which I think happens in a lot of different ways and a lot of different, you know, romantic relationships where someone gets upset.

the other person says, oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that. They kind of sit in the doghouse for a couple of hours or a day. And then they come out and they're like, okay, we're back. Not thinking if I'm not proactive about preventing this from happening again, this relationship may not work out. And they don't realize it until the person's like, okay, now I'm out. And then they're like, wait, what do you mean you're out?

I didn't realize that this was like that bad. Yeah. And I think that's what happens. when guys get broken up with a lot of the time, again, I don't want to generalize, but a lot of the time, from what I've seen, when guys get broken up with, it's the person keeps asking them to change over and over and over again. And they just, please change, please change, they won't change. And then they get broken up with. So. Yes. But I do think, I agree with you. Like, I think she should make it clear so that he knows, like, just how important it is to her. Right. And I do think it's interesting because I do, like, if someone is on one side of the spectrum and it sounds like he's very much. like not super proactive, right? I think that you can move them a little bit on the spectrum, but he's never going to be like Mr. Takes initiative all the time, right? Maybe he could move, like if the scale is one to 10 and he's a two, maybe you could get him to like a four or five. You're never going to get him to a 10. So if that's something that you like love that's super

incredibly important, it's not going to work. I don't think we can answer this this email for her. like what should you do? Should you break up with him? I think she only is the one who knows exactly how important this is to her. Right. Like you could say if I could get him to a five, would that be good enough for me? Like, or is my, do I, would I like, be the most happy in a relationship with that? Because she could probably, I'm sure she could find someone who was like that. But they might not have some of the other positive qualities that he has. But if she doesn't value those as highly, then it wouldn't matter. Right. I do think it also depends on how old they are. are like if he's if they're very young and they're like 23 or even 24 I think a lot of people

depending on how they were raised do need some practice at this you know like even personally when I met Jeff he was like not doing the things like when we first moved in together like I really had to like get him to do the things that he needed to do and then he you know kind of got with it and then I didn't really have to say much after that so I do think, I mean, it sounds like she keeps saying it and it's not really helping. And I, are you open to being a teacher or a mentor in this way? And is he open to that too? I get the idea of like, I want to be with a fully formed adult, responsible human.

I don't want to have to like teach you how to be that way. But maybe you love him enough. And you do kind of have to be like, okay, here's what I do to keep myself organized. I have a to do list that like everything that's, unfinished, I put it on this list. And every morning before I start work, I check my list and I knock a couple of things off and I prior, like some people do need a little bit of that. And maybe he'd be like, oh, wow, that works great. I really like that's like strategies I think are helpful for people that are a little absent minded or, you know, like not type A. Yeah. And I feel like there's a, I feel like a lot of

these, a lot of relationships kind of have this dynamic. I'm sure you've seen it if you've done couples therapy because I've seen it just anecdotally where it feels like the woman in these heterosexual relationships is like the director of like, and maybe that's like stemming from like older housewife notions where the woman would do all the like homework, even though now we're working just as much if not more than men, where you're sort of like the woman is the director of the household just like, you know, giving like tasks to people. Yes. And it feels like that's the dynamic. And it's kind of annoying. I mean, it probably was not annoying when that was like a whole, a woman's entire job was to like keep up the house and take care of the kids as it was for like

most of human history. Yes. But now I think you still have remnants of that. But we're working just as much. So it just seems very like annoyingly unfair. Right. Totally. My hunch is this is sort of a side topic, but that it really comes from ego, right? Like, where are you getting your sense of self? And I think women do kind of get a little bit more of us generally, typically, right? A little bit more of a sense of self of like, my house looks nice. Like, we took a vacation and it was like not, it was like at the right place or it wasn't like kind of, it was in a safe neighborhood or whatever these men. mental load things are that that you're carrying, it's because if it doesn't go well, it actually doesn't feel good for you.

Like getting the water turned off might be like more embarrassing or even with the with if you're raising children. It's sort of like there's more of an identity that a woman has over being a mother. I think it takes up more of their identity typically or in general than like a man who's identity might come more from another aspect of his life, like being good at golf. Right. Whatever the thing is where he's like, he's thinking about working on his golf swing. That's what's taking up space in his head because he wants to show up and like do well at that.

Versus, you know, a woman whose identity, I think what you care about a lot of times is ego based. Yes, it's like safety and we need water and we need to like pay the mortgage. but the extra things, I think a lot of times are based around what's taking up space in your head. And the keeping the house running is just not taking up space. And I said, like I said, maybe if he's young and he's used to his parents doing it, it needs to become a thing that he's like now bringing to the forefront that actually matters that he's now going to be embarrassed if the water turns off. He's now going to feel, you know, something a little bit that's going to hit him in the heart a little more

than whatever these other things are. And if he's not embarrassed by that or he's not going to get embarrassed by that, then she just needs to say, this is a relationship deal breaker for me. So you need to like get it together. Yeah. Yeah. And then if he doesn't, I mean, like you're almost, that's almost the best option because then you're putting it in his court.

Yes. So he like is going to break up with himself if he doesn't do this. Yes. Because he knows the stakes. Yes. Yes. I agree. This involves communication to the point where, and you could hear it in her voice,

which is why I love the voicemail. Like she's getting really emotional about this. And I think it's because she loves him, but like realizes this is not going to be a match for her long term if he doesn't start helping a little bit more to take some of this load off, especially at this early stage where there's no kids, no mortgage. You know, it seems like they're like early on. So yeah, I would communicate and see if it changes.

If you communicate in a real way, not just like I'm annoyed right now. Like this is building up to the point where like, I don't know if you're going to be a partner for me long term. Right. And then you see it coming. You won't feel bad if you need to break it. Exactly.

All right. Let's do a betraceousist. Okay. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I'm writing to get your perspective on a disagreement I'm having with my fiancee. We are both 29 and getting married in a few months. And the week before our wedding is my sister's grad school graduation.

It's a big deal to her. and I promised her early on that I would make it, despite it being right before the wedding. My fiancé, however, stated he would rather not go, given he was planning to work on the Monday to Wednesday before the wedding, and then fly up to his hometown for his bachelor party before meeting us the next day for the rehearsal. Basically, another flight and taking another day off work would be a pain,

and he felt he didn't need to be there when I gave him the option. I'm finding myself wishing that he had wanted to come and be willing to take the extra effort to be there with my family. He has a great relationship with my parents and siblings, so it's not that he doesn't enjoy being around, them. I've noticed him making similar decisions regarding attending weddings when it would be inconvenient, et cetera. So I think this is just part of his values with family events. Am I wrong to be annoyed by this? In the future, should I just be more direct and ask him to please come when I really

want him somewhere? I also don't want to force him to come to things just to please me. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks. A bet you wants him to want to come. Yeah. Great question. It's like a little nuance of relationships that I think we don't talk about that much, like that balance between you want your significant other there, but you also don't want them to come begrudgingly. And then you have to kind of feel bad if they're not having a good time or be thinking about their experience. Yeah, this is, this is a good question. It doesn't sound like, this sounds like a big ask like the week before the wedding.

And then he's having it squeezing in his bachelor party. and he's trying to work. Like this particular one, I think I would give him a pass on because it does sound like a lot. I agree. I wouldn't want to go to my fiance's sister's graduation the week before my wedding when I'm already probably stressed about making up the work that I'm taking because I'm taking off and doing all those things.

And it's interesting. Like I actually think it's a good thing that he's not going and that he knows his like boundaries. Like she says he doesn't attend weddings when it's inconvenient. It seems like he, I think it's kind of nice that he's like, he knows himself and he's saying, like, this is going to be really stressful for me. I'm going to make the decision before to opt out of this because, like, I think that's way better than if she went, if he went and then he's stressed out and he's like irritated that

he went. And I think a lot of people might do that. And like she said, she didn't really, she didn't say, in the future should be more direct and ask him to please come when I read. really want him somewhere. Like, yes. Right. Right. Right. Right. Yeah. I mean, but I guess she's, like, when you say yes, then it's kind of like she's basically like telling him to come and not giving him the option. So on the one hand, you're saying like, okay, it's great that he knows and he has the option. He's taking it. But on the other hand, that she should just tell him to come. Right. I see how that

sounds contradictory. But I do think there's a sense of like if she was, it's kind of like that, remember we had that email with the girl's graduation? She was so upset because her sister went to Greece and stuff. Yes. Yes. Right. Where it's like, I didn't think the sister did anything wrong by going to Greece. But the way we sort of discussed it is like if she was like, this is incredibly important to me that you'd be there. And you have to pick those. I don't think you can say that all the time. But let's say that this is one thing where you're like, there's some reason or another, why you think it's so important for him to be there, which I don't really think he needs to be there at your sister's graduation.

Like, he didn't grow up with her. I think it's more of a thing for you. So like, but let's say she did really think that. And this was like a special case. I think she could tell him. Yes. Yeah. I agree with that.

I think you can pick a few of those. My hunch is that this is not, this is more of like a fear-based issue that she's having. Like, it's not about him not coming to this exact. graduation. They're about to get married. And I think she's starting to think about, like, is this going to be a thing where he's just going to keep saying no to like her family functions when she wants him to come? That's my hunch. I don't know. She says that. But I think when you're about to get married, there's a lot of anxiety and like your body's activated and you're looking to see like, how is can I take control of how this is going to play out?

and is this person going to integrate into my life in the way that I want them to? So I think you have to, it's not about this one graduation. I think you have to make sure that, you know, just check in with him. Like, you know, is he open to coming to things in your family? Like, what are his triggers for what makes him not want to come? Is it like he's stressed with work or he, you know, has a limit of wanting to do things two weekends in a row or what his, you know, I think this is good pre-wedding conversation. it's fine if you don't come to my sister's graduation or if this is one that she wants to pick.

Let's say she gets to a year or whatever where it's like these are the ones that I really want you to come to. If that's the one, great pick it. If this isn't the one. And if it is the one, I think you need to explain why it's so important. Right. Like, I don't think he needs to just take your word for it because you feel like he needs to be there. Right. I love you be there because X, Y, Z.

Right. Right. I want you to have a really close relationship with my sister. I think this would really be a great gesture for you and her to kind of bond. And you'll always know that you were there on this, whatever your thing is, why you feel like this would be important. But I think if it's more about I just want to make sure that you're willing and that you want to, like that you really do like my family, that you enjoy spending time with them.

I think something that a lot of couples don't really say, which is true for most people, is that like it's a really connected, loving, warm experience when the person that you love is like lovingly spending time with the people in your life, like your family or your best friends or there's something that's a real like connected charge when that happens. So if she can explain like how much she loves seeing him and her family and her friends interact, he might realize like, wow, this is like a really special thing for her. That's like you could plan her a romantic dinner at a restaurant or he could plan her like a vacation, but what really charges her is seeing him together with her family, if that's

the case. And I think that is for a lot of people. It's just a very, it's like a heartwarming kind of experience when that happens. So maybe that's not happening enough. Right. But he could also be interested in that and just say this extenuating circumstance of this being like the week before my wedding. Totally.

I'm kind of stressed about all these other things does not feel like the place where I'm going to be relaxed enough to be in that state with your family. No, I totally agree. This sounds like there's a lot going on. I could see why he wants to pass on this. But yeah, I think just talking about it more in general, because I have a hunch, it's not about this one graduation. You know, in general, how you feel about him, what his parameters are around attending

or not attending and maybe get a feel for what, you know, like the deeper feelings that he's having around when he says no to a wedding. Why is that? Is it social anxiety? Is it financial anxiety? Is it, you know, he has to make up the work? Like, just kind of picking his brain on what goes on for him when he chooses to say no, because I think that's the bigger issue for her. Right. Okay. Good luck. Find out. Good luck. Do you want to read our intentions? Yeah, I will read this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I love the podcast. I look forward to my Tuesday commute because of you too.

Awesome. I'm writing to ask for an intention. I've always grown up with dogs. And when I got married, we knew we wanted a dog right away. We waited months to find the right breeder and drove across three states to get our puppy. She's beautiful and sweet and the perfect addition to the family. I've dedicated hours and hours to training her and raising her properly. I love her so much.

She's an adolescent now. And the issue is when she misbehaves, I simply lose it. I yell and stop my feet and do all the things I know I shouldn't do. Afterwards, I hate myself for losing my temper. Being such a good girl, she always forgives me, but I don't want to have a fit whenever she has naughty, but totally normal behaviors. I generally find myself to be a relatively calm and patient person. I work in health care and patience is part of the job.

I'm not someone who likes confrontation and I rarely raise my voice. I will only do this with my dog. I'd love an intention for when she does something bad and I want to take a step back before I yell and regret it. Thank you both for your help, barking mad fetch. This is a good one. Yeah. I don't have a dog so I don't fully relate. But I do think there's probably something to the fact that the dog will always forgive her to why she feels like it's okay to kind of like maybe she has these emotions bottled up and like this is an easy target for her.

Totally. I think so. I mean, she says that she works in health care. She has to keep patience all day. She's probably like holding it a lot because there's huge consequences of losing her temper at work or losing her temper with her husband or her friends or anyone. So I do think that, unfortunately, the dog is someone where there's not a lot of consequences if she loses her temper, which is why she probably lets her guard down and does it.

And I think that can happen. I think it's tough to really hold that all the time. So my first thing is I think she needs like a place to maybe get out some of her feelings, you know, process what's going on at work or what her frustrations are. And I think these dog issues are probably just like a trigger. Although I will say, I love my dogs. They're very, very annoying. I don't really yell at that.

them because I just feel like that doesn't help and that's not but I get very very frustrated like oh my gosh our newest dog chewed up all of our outdoor furniture cushions the little ends of the arm like I can't even that's annoying so annoying so I relate to the frustration of of this she sounds like she really loves her puppy and she wants to you know learn how to calm herself, which is great because I think a lot of people can use this advice. I feel like you hear this a lot with like kids also like take, it's like when you're kind of like rude to your parents because they, you know that they're not going to like just leave you. Exactly.

Siblings, you know, like people that are closest to you do often get, get this part of it because you know that they're always going to be there. Right. Which is so true. Like I, you know, my kids bicker all the time. And they, I was like, what, you don't talk to your. friends like this. Like, why do you talk to each other like this? And they're like, it's so clear to them. They're like, well, because if we talk to our friends like this, they probably wouldn't be our

friends anymore. Won't hang out with them. So, you know, they're just so comfortable with each other knowing that they have no choice. Dog has no choice either. Anger management is a skill to be learned. It's not something that we're born with. And the first thing that I suggest is just like, and anticipating, right? I'm assuming maybe it's like you walk in the door or you walk in the room and you see that there's like, I don't know, whether it's pee on the floor or, you know, they've chewed something up. I don't know what else a dog might do. Barking a lot, whatever the behavior. It's something they shouldn't. Right. Right. Yes. So whatever this behavior is, I think you have to kind of anticipate that this might happen and the best thing you can do, which is why it sounds

cheesy, but it's like one of the number one things with anger management is like counting. And just like pausing and breathing and counting, like count to 10 and take a space and let your body calm down. And I can pretty much guarantee if you actually like take some deep breaths and count to 10, you're not going to yell after 10 seconds of like breathing, especially because she really doesn't want to yell. And she realizes that it's not good for the dog and it's not something that makes her feel good. So I think just creating a little bit of space from that instant where your body becomes like activated and tense. And that's what yelling really is. It's like you're letting out

this like emotional energy. Right. If you can just take a space and let just give yourself 10 seconds to just see if you can breathe through some of that. And like we talk about in the meditations, longer out a sigh is your natural, we all naturally sigh. It's like a natural calming mechanism that we do. Like you'll see people and they're like, you're like, what's the matter?

Like what's with the sighing? And it's like they don't even realize it. They're like naturally trying to calm themselves. Right. So even just a sigh or counting to 10 or something. that can create a little space for you to move forward more intentionally is going to be helpful. I like that. Then do you have an actual, like the intention that she can tell herself?

Yeah. So one thing that I thought would be helpful is like when you take your five breaths or your 10 breaths is to like picture, I don't know if you put it like a screensaver on your phone like her puppy face. Like because it sounds like something shifted maybe because she says now she's an adolescent and she's like screaming at her. because maybe like she's not like a cute little puppy. So like conjuring up an image of like her little puppy face while you close your eyes

and take your breath. And then the intention that I wrote is this is normal. We are learning. So like I like that. She's learning. The puppy's learning. And this is a normal part and process of learning. So they're like in it together.

I think it would help her feel like. We are learning. I'm learning to control my temper. She's learning these new behaviors and that the calming down is kind of part of the process. I like that. This is normal. We are learning. You know, this whole thing just reminded me as we were talking about like an experience that I had in middle school. My friend's mom took us to lunch. And I was like probably 11 years old. And I'm playing with the ketchup bottle. I'm just like shaking it around sitting next to my friend. And then the ketchup bottle like top flies off and the ketchup goes all over her mom's purse. Oh. And I could tell she was like wishing that I was her kid so she could like scream at me. Like she was like kind of like she was like I could

feel like the tension in her body. She was just like if only this was my child who had done this. I could like freak out. She's just like Trinana. She's doing that breathing thing. I feel like. I feel like you were just, and she's like, I'm not sure what would possess you to do that. So it's almost like another option could be like pretended someone that you, you know what I mean? Like you can't freak out at because it's weird. Yes. Imagine it's a, it's a, if it's a, it would be a friend who did that or a friend's almost the most weird. A French child or a friend's parent or someone that you couldn't.

Yes. Yeah. that totally and because she does hold it well together like it in a work situation or in a situation which really socially unacceptable to yell and then comes home and yells i think that's a great idea that's why like even the and you know like yelling at a puppy seems like so cruel but like yelling at a dog is kind of like yeah they'll get over it you know it's like a dog dog dog's yeah if they don't act well so yeah i like that that's so funny Oh my gosh.

I still remember it to this day just being like, oh my God, this is bad. That is bad. That is so embarrassing. Did you recover? Like, did they ever invite you to lunch again? Or was that the last? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, her mom doesn't even, I talk about it with her all the time.

Her mom doesn't even remember it. But like I do because I was so mortified by it. Oh, my gosh. I can't believe she doesn't remember it. I would definitely be like. We remember it though. She's like, I remember when you smell catchball. For no reason also.

It wasn't like I was poor. Like I was just shaking it because I was just in a mode of being like 11 and fucking around. Oh my gosh. That is so funny. Yeah. All right. Well, I hope this helps. I get it.

I get very frustrated with my dogs with the chewing and, you know, all that. So. Yeah. Don't beat yourself up too much. You're learning together. Pause. Breathe. Yeah.

You wanting to change, I think, is the most important. important part of this and realizing that you want to be better for your pop. So good work. Let's do some triggers. The first one is long, but I will get into it. Okay, let's do it. Well, hopefully it's worth the length. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. Love the pod and look forward to listening to you each week. I have a triggered scenario for you. My mother-in-law informed my husband that his oldest sister was planning a vacation for her 40th birthday. My mother-in-law said the trip attendance would be herself, the sister is turning 40, as well as the two other sisters. And that my husband was invited. My husband is the youngest and his three older sisters. If he was unable to attend

for whatever reason, work, et cetera, I could go in his place. Some more details that might be important. My mother-in-law is fully funding the trip. The trip is to an exclusive Caribbean island neither of us have been to. We also have two children, so whoever does not attend will be left with all the child care duties for the four days. I'm a stay-at-home mom and he works full-time, so he would be taking vacation days. My husband and I discussed the trip, and there wasn't really a clear answer as to who should attend. We decided that it felt a little odd that his mom was the one extending the invite when the supposed intention of the trip was for a sister's birthday and that his sister was the one planning it. I suggested he reach out to his sister and let her know that either of us would be thrilled

to attend, but seeing as it's her birthday trip, we would appreciate her input to help us decide who should attend in order for her to achieve her desired vacation vibe. If she wanted it to be a sibling and family focused trip, then he would attend, although I guess it is important to note that their dad has his own separate vacation going on that weekend, so it wouldn't even be the entire family. Or if she wanted it to be more of a girl's weekend, in which case I would attend. Her response surprised us. Instead of saying whether she preferred my husband or me to go, she talked about how if either one of us went, it would complicate the trip and make planning harder. She kept highlighting how the trip was better suited for four people, herself, her two sisters and her mom, and not five.

From rooms, restaurant reservations, to even the logistics of playing tennis as five versus four. My husband laughed this off and said he would be fine rotating to play tennis or even just watching them play. He would just love to spend quality time with them. She then started talking about how she would feel weird if I went, but her sister-in-law on her husband's side wasn't going, which to me makes no sense. Why would her mom pay for someone who was not related and not married into the family over her own daughter-in-law, me?

Essentially, it felt like she was uninviting us despite her not even funding the trip. We're now in a weird spot. It's obvious that she doesn't want either of us. to attend, and there is a part of me that thinks maybe we should just take the high road and say, hey, why don't you four just go and make it a girl's trip with the original girls and the family? But neither my husband nor I want to do that. His mom invited him so he should be able to attend if he wants to. Now, if either of us go, it seems a little icky, knowing that the celebrant doesn't want us there. I think it is also important to add that his sister is notoriously the mooch of the

family. She's always angling for a free trip, free dinner, free anything. Her parents pay for her kids to attend private school while the rest of us are left to fund our own children's schools. She's constantly going on lavish trips that leave us all to wonder how she's funding this lifestyle. My husband has tried to talk to his parents to make things more fair, but nothing has really been done. We're kind of now in the boat of if you can't beat them, join them and enjoy the free trip. You might not even really be invited to. So how triggered should I be an uninvited batch? Oh, this is, I feel like this is pretty triggering. Her coming and saying basically, like the trip is better for four.

And then bringing up tennis. Like that seems like a stretch. I feel like that is pretty insulting, whatever that is. I mean, I would rather her just be honest and say, I want to just hang out with mom and my sisters. Like that's what she wants. She wants to be with her mother and her sisters. It's fine.

Which I guess could feel weird, but I kind of get it. It's like, how many? There's three sisters and the mom. So maybe they have like their own specific special bond. But the mom probably felt, weird leaving out the brother. Yes.

So I think it sounds like the mom kind of like this is the sister actually wants it to just be them. The mom felt weird being like I'm not going to pay for a trip and not invite one of my kids. Right. Yeah. But I think she kind of phrased it weird when she did the invite. Yeah.

I think the mom screwed up here. The mom should have called and said, look, I'm taking your sister away for her birthday. I'm taking the girls away. to celebrate your sister's 40th. The whole concept of like, if you can't come, then your wife can come.

Like that was weird to begin with. Like I've never heard. I think she should have invited both of them or like. Or neither. Not neither of them. Yes. Right. Or I guess she could have even said,

you're invited to invite the brother so he wouldn't feel like he was the only one left out. But then like you could swap in your wife, like that whole thing. I don't know what that. I don't know what that was. Right. Maybe she thought like they would both just say no, like this is, but she, she couldn't

not invite. Sometimes people do that where it's like, I don't really want you to come, but I feel weird not inviting you because that just feels weird to me if I'm paying for a trip for my kids that I'm not paying for, that I wouldn't extend the invitation to one of them. Yes. Yeah. This wasn't handled well. I couldn't personally imagine going at this point with how clear she's made it that she doesn't

want them there. I think they just kind of want the free trip to the exclusive Caribbean island. Right. Which I get. You kind of had it dangled and they probably got excited or at least one of them did. Yes. Well, I mean, it'd be funny if they were like, well, maybe we'll both come and we can pay for the extra person. Yeah. Totally. Although it again, it sounds like no one, they don't, they're not really wanted. They don't want that. And it's, I guess it's fine. Like, you're right. You know, they've been together their whole lives. There's probably like a mom and her daughter's dynamic that the sister would like. And when they called, they're kind of like, what's the vibe you want?

The vibe that she wants is to hang out with her mom and her sisters on her 40. Like I can imagine a world where like Lila turns 20 and you're like, we're going to do a girl's trip. And then like feeling weird about not inviting your own books or something. Yes. Yes. Totally. A hundred percent. Yeah.

So I could see why it would be like mentally tough for the mom to do it. Like you might do the same thing. Right. I don't know that it would be like like I could see saying I could see inviting the son. But the whole like if you can't come then she could. Right. You know what this is. Just invite the son or not.

But that also feels weird to if you're married to someone to not invite them on a trip that you're inviting the husband to. You know what this says? I think I just figured it out. They said he said that they've spoken to her before about. fairness in the family. Like they've spoken to the mother about like how to make things fair because they're constantly giving stuff to the private schools. Right. Yeah. So this was kind of like I am offering one expense paid trip to make it fair. Your family will get one and her family will get one.

You can cash it in for yourself or you can cash it in for your wife, which is like an absurd way, I think to make this a fair arrangement. But I think she's probably been like beaten down about like how unfair things are. So she's like walking on eggshells. Like I need to offer you guys one expense paid trip. And it came out weird. Right. I kind of go bad for the mother.

She's kind of like I want to do this nice trip. I don't really want to pay for like 700 people. Right. But I don't know how to like phrase the trip to make it feel like not everyone's invited. Right. Because she's paying for it. I mean, one thing if she wasn't paying for it, then it would feel like especially weird to be like, would not have the attitude of the more than merrier. Yes.

So I feel bad for her. She, I agree with you. She jumbled it a little bit. It came out. It wound up like kind of coming back to hit her. Yes. Yes. Yes.

This is really kind of between the mother and the sister because I think the sister does sound, the sister sounds a little annoying. It's kind of like you're getting a free trip to an exclusive Caribbean island. like, who cares who else is there? You know, like maybe this will be a good opportunity for you to bond with your sister-in-law or your brother or whatever. And yes, I get the example of like I would bring my two daughters, but I feel like I would always want my son to come and I don't see, unless you're like, I don't know, running around naked in the hotel room, like why the

son can't be there if he decides, okay, you guys are going for facials. I don't really want to do that. No big deal. I think this is between the sister and the mom where the mom's trying to make it fair and the sister sort of, I was willing to guess, like didn't want either of them invited. Yeah. I would bow out because it is her birthday trip and it just doesn't. I don't think it would feel fun to be there when the person kind of is expressed that

they prefer you not be there. So yeah, triggering. I could see how this is triggering. The mom just botched this in attempts to try to, you know, make things fair. there had to be another way to do this. I don't think she got it right on this one. Definitely turned out being more triggering than if she was like, look, you know, your sister wants to have a girl's weekend with me and her sisters. I understand that might be hurtful to you.

This is what she's asking for. But the mom probably didn't want to throw the sister under the bus. Yeah. What a mess. Well, maybe it is unfair. That does seem like kind of a crazy, like you're taking your daughter is turning 40. And you're paying for the whole trip. Does she do that for the other kids?

I would kind of be like, where's my birthday trip? Right. Totally. There does seem like there's something about the sister that's like a little bit, you know. She gets a little more than the rest of that. Like bratty, like this is how I want it. I want what I want and I'm going to get what I want, which is to exclude certain people from this trip.

Yeah, triggering. But I wouldn't want to be on a trip where I know I wasn't wanted. I agree. I'd give it like a six or a seven though. Yeah, I'd give it a seven because just the whole way it was presented. I've never heard of such a thing. What if she said, I'm just going to take the sisters. Like I'm just want to let you know I'm taking the two. I think it would still be a little triggering if she took if they think that she pays for a lot more stuff for them and she paid for this or the for the oldest and this is and she paid for this.

I could still feel like that was triggering, but I think this is more triggering. Right. Yes. I agree. I would have given it more like a five. But I think the mom was just overthinking it. She should have just said, you're invited. I'm taking your sisters away. You're invited. That's it.

If he couldn't come, the answer is no. If he comes, great. That's reasonable. It's the brother and all the siblings. Like she was overthinking that the whole, well, if you can't, then your wife can thing. That was the mistake. That was the weird part.

I would give this a seven. And but yeah, if you just, if she just, if you wasn't invited at all, I would give it a five because it's like, all right, it's a girl's trip. Yeah. I agree. Okay. Well, it sounds like there's going to be a lot more family things on table here. Good luck with that.

Good luck. You want to read our last one? All right. I'll read the last one. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I absolutely love the podcast and all your helpful advice. I admit I'm a person who gets activated easily. So hearing your perspectives on various situations has helped.

help me to rethink and reframe some of my own reactions to things. That being said, I have a triggered scenario that sent me straight to an eight or a nine. So I'd love to hear your take on it. Last month, I was getting my yearly mammogram, which is already an uncomfortable and vulnerable procedure. So I'm standing there naked from the waist up and the radiology tech is moving my body and breasts into various positions. And she says, I just need to move your stomach out of the way.

What? I was so triggered by this comment, especially because I don't even have a big stomach. I actually have a pretty slim waist and it's one of the parts of my body that I like the most. I couldn't believe she would say this. I can laugh about how ridiculous it is now, but in the moment, I wanted to die. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. I don't think this is like an eight or a nine. I can see how the comment might make her feel like for a moment insecure, but it doesn't,

she wasn't like, I'm moving your big, huge stomach. Right. This exact- Like she does have a, like you do have a stomach. Everyone has a stomach. There's organs in there. There's important stuff. There's a stomach. This exact thing happened to me.

This exact thing. They said, I need to move your stomach. Yes. Or move your stomach. You got to move your stomach out of the way, whatever it was. They were like referring to my stomach as something that was in the way. Because it's a thing. It exists, whether it's tight or whether you have a six-pack or you don't, or it's big.

Right. You still have a stomach. Yes. And it's a thing. It probably needed to be moved out of the way. Yeah, but I will say when she said it to me, I also had a similar feeling of like, whoa, like this, you know, like, oh my gosh, my big fat belly is in the way.

She can't even see anything, you know, like I did have that immediate feeling, but I will normalize that like I think that it was not everyone has a stomach and some people, like you need to move your left arm out of the way. Like would that be offensive? No, your left arm is there and it's in the way. move it. Right. Yeah. And again, I think if she had qualified the stomach with like, even like, you need to move your stomach roll out of the way or I need to move like your large stomach out of the way. I think that would be very triggering. But I do think she was kind of just trying to find the

words like for you to do what she wanted your body. Right. Yes. It's, it is so interesting that our culture is like so like that. I get it. I had the same initial moment of like her. saying that this large thing was in the way of the of the machine. Yeah. So I get it. I had the same feeling when my text said said that to me. Yeah. I could imagine feeling that way for like a second of like, oh, like does my stomach

look big? Like I don't. I can see why she would feel for a second like a little insecure, but I don't think it was a super triggering comment. Yeah. Yeah. But she might, you know, maybe she, that's something she really like prides herself in. So, but just pride yourself in the fact that it's there and it looks nice and she had to move it

because it was in the way. Yeah, body image stuff is so interesting. We could talk about it more next time, but I'm doing an exercise with my group around like body image exposure where, you know, you just learn to accept the shape of your body and the curves and So basically I have everybody in the group, you know, like spend time looking at their naked body in the mirror and like allowing all of the thoughts to come up that come up that we have unconsciously about our bodies, criticizing, judging and just becoming conscious of how we talk so poorly to our bodies sometimes. So it's an interesting exercise. I can talk more about it. but I think it is helpful for people that are like hypersensitive to, you know,

issues. Yeah, these kinds of comments and issues around your body. And I would give it a three because I get, there was like a little initial, you know, activation around it. But yeah, I think it's a, you know what? I think it's a good moment to realize my stomach is a part of my body. It belongs. It carries.

That's the other thing we do in the mirror exercise. is like looking at the function of your body and what purpose it serves. Like your stomach needs to be there. It does a lot of important stuff. So maybe this is a sign that you need to, you know, kind of accept yourself and your shape and like a little wake-up call that this was so triggering to do some of this work. So yeah, I'll give it a three. Yeah, I would agree with that.

I think that's a good one because I could see how it would feel that way in the moment. Okay. Well, I think we help some people. I hope so. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby. Editing by Jazz Apados. Guest booking by Allie Friedlander. And send your emails to Oversharing at Betches.com. Betches.