Oversharing - How Can I Share My Good News With A Struggling Friend?

Episode Date: September 30, 2025

Fresh off a screen free weekend, Dr. Naomi shares her review of what it's like to turn off your phone and be in the moment after she and her therapy group decided to take on the challenge. It's only fitting then that the first email this week is a Craft My Text from a Betch whose sudden break up has left her seeking closure, but there is also an update from her original email request that gives the hosts much to discuss. A listener is unsure of how to share her pending good news about an engagement with a friend who is struggling to get her long term relationship to the next level. The Betchicist of the week asks the question “can my husband request I don't discuss him in therapy” and Jordana and Dr. Naomi navigate how it may (and may not) be possible. On the theme of therapy, a listener recounts an uncomfortable first meeting with a therapist that left her triggered and spiraling for hours after the session. And finally one woman shares that her future sister in law provided her with a survey requiring her to rank her desire to be a bridesmaid and the questions on it are kinda wild. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. Great to be back here with you.

How was your weekend? What were you up to? Weekend was great. Saturday was busy. but I did interestingly, in my group, in all of my groups, we are doing a 24-hour screen-free challenge. So I did it too. I did it from Saturday morning to Sunday morning. And as expected, it was awesome. I thought you were going to say challenging. No, I really, I think a lot of people, I was, there were moments of challenge. But coming out of it,

I feel like this is something that I would love to do like every weekend or once a month or it's hard. Jeff didn't love it because you didn't look at your phone at all. Back up. Tell me what this entails. Like what is a screen? What is not a screen? Yes.

Here's a couple of caveats. And in the group, I tell people like, try it. I'd rather you try it and do some of it if you can't be 100%. I'd rather you at least do some of it than none of it. So one of the things that I said that we could use was GPS if you're like going somewhere. I didn't want anyone having car accidents like pulling out their MapQuest directions from 2002. Right. So I used, I did turn it on for GPS.

And that was pretty much it. I turned it on at one point because I was meeting up. with Jeff at this baseball game that Brooks had and we didn't, I didn't, I forgot to tell him what field we were at, but I didn't use it. I was with Maddie and I had her turn it on and I had her message him and just let him know where we were. And he found, the funny thing is he found it anyway, like he figured it out. Is this just for phones or is this TV, computer, iPad, everything? Yeah, yeah, all of it. So the, probably the hardest part for me was, it was Saturday, night and I love, I've been obsessed with this, I think it's, I don't know where it, maybe Amazon Prime,

this show called Cosmos, which is with Neil deGrasse Tyson, and it's like a whole series on the universe and like it kind of spans from like outer space universe and then like he does an episode about the universe inside a drop of water. Okay. How there's like these little microorganisms that like create this whole little universe. and a drop of water and then like expands to like the so my exciting Saturday night is that I like to watch this on the big screen and nerd do that so it is kind of nerdy but if you're into any of this it's very cool and no it's cool I'm joking yeah and it's good for you I think it's good for your mental

health because it puts things into perspective when you think about things on this large scale but anyway, that's a tangent. So that I didn't do that I wanted to do because that was screens. So I did not do any kind of screens for 24 hours. We played Scrabble instead, which was fun. And even Brooks, who seven played, which was cute. Yeah. So it was like, it was a good chance to try something new that we hadn't done before. But the big takeaway, I think, for me. Was anyone trying to contact you? Yeah. So, okay. You missed a text. Yeah. So I, I missed a bunch of texts. I was going to text like the family group chat and just say like, hey, I'm doing this,

but I really didn't want to hear everyone's opinions about it. Jokes and like, yeah, I see what you're saying. Yeah. I didn't want to hear everyone's jokes about doing this. So I figured if anyone really needed me, they would probably contact Jeff and I would find out about it. But yeah. Right. Or you know what you could say like if you get a phone call, you can pick up a phone.

Yeah, that's not really a screen. call someone's calling you they probably really need to speak to you that's important yeah so i said to my groups like depending on your own situation i was like if you want you might need some prep for this like you might need to tell some people that you're doing this you might want to get ahead of it um you might want to just copy down information from your phone that you need because part of the thing was like turn your phone completely off because if you leave it on for a phone call then when you get that phone call there's that right now you see all these just check the other stuff yeah yeah miss text messages. So when I turned my phone back on on Sunday, I had a bunch of, this was one

challenging part. I had a bunch of missed texts from people that probably thought I was being rude or not answering them or ignoring them. So I just started off every text with like, sorry for the delay. And then I had been doing a challenge. Did you explain the challenge? No, I didn't. I didn't. I could have. But it was like, no anyone anything. Yeah, kind of. I think was for some people I wrote my phone was off yesterday. Right. Which they'll probably think was weird. But do you think like, okay, so you were with your family on Saturday. You're with, you know, the kids and Jeff. Do you think this would have been a harder challenge if you were like single? A hundred percent. A hundred percent. I think the hardest part of this is just feeling very alone, probably, for a lot of people. Like,

right. You can do this challenge. You don't have to think about. anything negative because you have the constant distraction. Yes. You can do this when you're busy. Like I had some people in my groups being like, this feels like a cheat because I'm so busy that I'm just going to be busy and I'm not going to really be needing to entertain myself or connect with people through my phone.

So this feels like so easy. But I do think if you're single and you don't have plans and you're alone, this is a whole different challenge. So I'm glad you asked that question. because I don't want people to be like, oh, of course. So easy for you. Well, yeah, I mean, it seems like you're not someone who's like on their phone all the time anyway. And I assume that's just because you're like, you have a full time job and you have three kids.

And there's like a lot. Like I wouldn't say, I think it's probably it was probably a challenge for you. But I could imagine someone with less like built in stuff. If you live alone, I think this is a completely different challenge because it's really quiet. You're feeling disconnected. you're totally alone with yourself. Like a lot of people, I'm sure who are listening to the show, listen to podcasts to feel kind of like, you know,

they're, they're, um, you know, have company or with people or are connected. So it's a totally, I totally agree with you. It's a completely different challenge if you live alone or and or are single.

Um, but I still think it's a good opportunity to push yourself in that way to just be with yourself for a day. I agree. Maybe I'll try it. Yeah, try it. Give it go. Give it a go. The hardest part for me, one was like, you know, kind of getting back to people the next day without getting into a whole thing about what I was doing. Right. And feeling like, like one of the, for example, like, you know, someone, you know, one of my friends in town, like message me about something. I didn't get back to her the next day. And then it was like a little group chat, me and one other person, and they were

talking. I wasn't participating. Then I got back. the next day and like nobody acknowledged that I responded. They like moved on and there was a little bit of me that was like, oh, they're probably like, you know, thinking that I don't care or thinking that I'm like rude or. I think they're probably just like over the conversation because they were already,

they're already there. They're like, oh, I don't need to. Yeah. But that thought did enter my mind. And for me, because I'm not like the biggest on social media.

I think social media would be hard for a lot of people was just having patience in like I want to know the answer to something and I'm not going to immediately get the answer. Like, what's the weather going to be tomorrow? Right. I wonder, you know, what time that appointment is that I have on Thursday or some random fact that I feel like looking up that I'm not going to look up. Yeah, you basically lived like you were in like 1995. That right. We're like, okay, I'll find that out on Monday when I go to work and I turn on my computer and I get all of my information back again. Right. That was hard, but I think it's really nice. You know, a lot of what we talk about on here are like time, people that struggle with timelines and the unknown and not knowing how their life's going to turn out. When am I going to meet my person? When are we going to get married? When am I going to have a baby? When am I going to get a promotion? And so the big picture stuff, I think sometimes can be helped by practicing patients with the little things.

Maybe the Amish really have it all figured out. Yeah, could go live down there for a couple weeks. Come back to real life. You'd be like, wow, I can find out anything I want. Yeah, it's like magic. So, yeah, if you give it a try, you don't know shame. Let me know that you're doing 24-hour screen free. I can field your calls if you'd like.

I love it. Yeah, maybe I will try it. I'd have to think of the right time. It would be very difficult. Maybe I'll start. Can you start with like half a day? Yeah. Well, that was one of the things we were talking about in the group was, let's say you do have a phone call that you need to make.

Like you could do 12 hours, do your phone call, and then 12 hours. Or you could start with half a day. Right. Something's better than nothing. Yeah. But for those people that were busy, I was kind of like, try it when you're busy and then try it. When you're not, like for myself, I wonder if I just had a day to myself and I didn't have my phone. That would be a lot different and a lot more challenging, I think.

You have to like get into a book or something. A book, a coloring, you know, something creative. Yeah, I mean, we all know. We all know what it feels like on like a micro level. Like either your phone dies, you're out and your phone dies or your phone's in, God forbid, upstairs. that's the good thing about kids you can be like go upstairs and please get my phone my phone like okay sure oh that's nice yeah wow reason enough to have children right someone to always go get your phone right love it all right well let's get into our emails let's do it i like this challenge it sounds

like it would push you you're you know an easy and like an easy and hard way to push that discomfort feeling like obviously hard because it's hard to do but easy because it's not like oh you have to sign up for a class or get into a thing it's more about the not doing something and i usually find not doing something is harder than doing something like i do think people would rather spend three hundred dollars on like a class in tolerating discomfort with a teacher where they show up than this right in action very difficult all right let's get into it uh And if you want to join one of Dr. Naomi's therapy groups and, you know, get the, get yourself some,

some weekly, like, instillment of this kind of thing. Yes. How do they do that? Yes. Come find me at Naomi Bernstein.com. We have lots of groups, Monday nights, Tuesdays. And we will find you a spot. Come join us.

We do all these different kinds of challenges. This is one. But we have lots. and you'll hopefully grow and learn. And the community piece is the biggest piece. You show up every week, people that want to hear what you have going on. They want to listen. They want to share perspective, all the things.

So come join us, Naomi Bernstein.com. Check it out. Or you can subscribe to this podcast. You can subscribe. You get two bonus episodes a month. We have our two out for September that are already out. So check them out. And then also you get all the episodes ad free and a day early.

So get involved. We love our subscribers. And let's get. Also, you can watch us on YouTube if you're more of a watcher than a listener or you can watch on Spotify video. So let's get into our first one. It was supposed to be craft our text, but we'll get into how it was a, you know, we got an update this morning just five minutes before we started. So it's going to be more of a commentary. But this is a very common. thing. I'm sure you hear about this all the time in therapy. I have so many friends who have gone through this exact situation. So let's get into it and then we will give our two cents. All right. Let's do it. All right. I'll read it. Hi, Trudana and Dr. Naomi, long time listener. I'm very grateful for both of you. I'm writing in for some advice. My boyfriend broke up with me and moved out very unexpectedly last week. He's 31 male and I'm 28 female. We were living together

for over a year and dating almost five years. He did not give me any reason for why he ended things. He just immediately started crying and struggled to get words out. It basically came down to him not feeling the same way about me, not feeling the same way about our future. And he did say the classic, it's not you, it's me. Ugh. Then he was moved out of the apartment within a few hours.

At least be more original. Yeah. Okay. For more background, and he moved out within a few hours, that's a lot for one day. Yeah. For more background, I think he's been struggling. That's not a good day to not have your phone. For more background, I think he's been struggling with depression and his mental health on and off since before we met. He had some intense things happen in his personal and family life before we met and refused to go to therapy to get help. He also has been less motivated to exercise and eat healthy in the past six months or so. At the start of summer, I had a talk with him that I felt we were in a bit of a rut, which is normal and happens sometimes when living together. I felt like we should go on more dates and do more little things to show each other how happy we are to be with one another rather than getting in the habit of just living our lives. The rest of the summer was great and things felt back to normal.

He also kept talking about our future all summer. He wanted to get our own phone plan together and start seriously saving to buy a condo together in the next year or two. He also asked me questions about what kind of proposal and wedding I'd like in the future. He set this conversation a few months ago about getting in a rut, had him thinking all summer about how he, feels about me. He said if he's not sure at this stage, then it's not fair to me to keep dating. So it's all very confusing to me and I definitely feel blindsided. It's hard to have closure because of how fast it ended and how little he said. I think he was feeling like he isn't in a good place mentally and he doesn't feel like he can be a partner right now, but that might just be something

I'm telling myself while going through the breakup. This is her first ask, but we'll get an update soon. First she said, can you help me craft a text him asking to meet for coffee to get closure and to give back some of his belongings and mail, but if he would have nothing to say, even after a month or two, to think and reflect that I'm not sure I'd want to meet. On the other hand, it does make me sad that we're ending our story like this and could be nice to have another conversation. I'm having a difficult time recognizing my life right now. The life I thought I was building is suddenly gone. I do have friends and hobbies in a life outside of him, but it's still hard. I'm living in our apartment and doing some of our routines without him. Thanks so much for your help, a betch and shock.

And then this morning, we got a additional email from her, which is great for more context. And then she said, you know, we had to add it in because she wrote her own and we're going to get into it. She said, Hydrogen and Doctonomy, following up with screenshots. This is our entire text exchange in the weeks after the breakup. I'd love to know what you think, especially as I'm preparing for our in-person conversation in a few weeks. Thanks for all that you do. Recently subscribed and listening to oversharing a lot. It's been very comforting to listen to whenever I don't want to feel alone.

Smiley face. That's very nice. All right. So let's read these texts. I'll be him. You can be her. Okay. So this is.

They're also a couple days apart. So we'll delineate that. We'll read the dates too. Okay. All right. Hi. Sorry for reaching out. But did I get any delivery from Stitch Fix at your place, the nerve?

Right. Eat it. So that's at 10 a.m. She answers at 5 p.m. It's not here, but I'll look out for it. Okay, thank you. And then he texts again the following Tuesday. I don't expect you to answer, nor do I need you to answer.

I just want you to know that I'll forever be sorry with how things ended up. You really deserve something real and genuine. I find that text to be annoying. Yeah. Just throwing that out there. Yeah, I agree. Well, she calls him out. So she says, I'm not sure what to make.

So that was Tuesday, he sends that. So she very coolly waits two days to respond. Yes. She says, I'm not sure what to make of that message. This has all been really confusing. I'm not sure if I'm misinterpreting, but it sounds like you're saying that what we had for the last five years was never real or genuine from your side,

which would be really hurtful. Also, I've been finding some of your stuff that you left here, including your social security card. I've been putting a box together and was thinking, we could meet in a few weeks so I can give it to you. That gives us time to think about anything we want to say to each other. I'd like to sit down to talk to get some closure. Is that something you feel like you'd be able to do? If not, then we can plan a time for you to pick up the box once I'm done cleaning out the apartment. Yeah, sure. That sounds nice. Thanks for not throwing anything out.

Okay. I thought her message was good. Yeah. And it's nice, I mean, it's annoying that he texted that, but it's nice that he gave her like the opening. Yes. She didn't have to like reach back out after getting broken up with and having her whole life like turned upside down. Yeah. Like there, but that is an annoying message because it's like, you know, it's like an I feel really, what did he say?

He said I. He said, I don't expect. Also, I don't expect you to answer or need you to answer is annoying. It's like, I'll decide when I'm going to answer if I want to answer. Kind of like. It kind of like. answer. Yeah. If you don't answer, right, you're like cooler. Like, right. Don't like, right. You don't have to, anyway, I find it an annoying thing, but whatever. Um, so what do you,

do you get this a lot? This kind of thing? Well, the hardest part, I think, first of all, I just want to validate that being in the situation that they were in together for five years, living together for a full year, then having him, what seemed, like out of the blue without like a bunch of lead up conversations, break up with her and move out that day is really hard. Yeah. Breakups, I think healthy breakups happen over the course of like a series of conversations where you talk about something that's bothering you.

You try to fix it. Maybe it's not getting better. You talk about it again. You have a few conversations. You say you're thinking that maybe this. might not work. And, you know, it sounds like he just kind of ran in there, dropped the bomb and ran out as fast as he could. I will say, I talk about this on you up all the time. The way you just described the healthy breakup, that is how women break up. Right. Men break up. They don't say anything.

They just secretly think about shit for like a long time. They don't say anything. And then they just leave. Yeah. Women are always like, please change. Please change. change, please change, please change. And then like, it has to be so ignored or so not that they finally break up or leave. I just feel like men do this all the time. Maybe it's like a discomfort. I think it's maybe like maybe women's more openness to, to like working on things with a partner or changing someone, whereas men are like, I'm not going to try to change this person. I'm just like either going to accept them as they are or I'm going to leave and the decision's going to be all in my head.

Yeah. Well, so I think you're right. I think part of it is maybe that what you're saying, like, I don't think I can change this person. But I think part of it is just men in our culture are just kind of taught that their emotions are their own problem. And they're not, especially emotions that are about the other person that might upset them. Like, I'm just, those are not ones that you share. So, like, even I have a son. He's seven, and I think about this because I'm kind of like, I want him to get used to sharing his feelings and like talking about what's going on in his head and not feel like that's just my problem.

And I talk about like what I do and what I want and, you know, like things that happen to me. Like I think it would be a nice shift if our culture kind of made it easier for men to talk about like their innermost feelings. And the hardest of which are I have this feeling, it's about you and I'm going to say it. Right. And that's one of the things that we do in group therapy. Like I think we maybe shared on here a few weeks ago, like talking about how we feel about each other with each other when it's not entirely positive. Right. And before you're like ending the relationship.

Yes. Exactly. Yes. So I think we need to or, you know, and there are women that are like this. I don't think it's entirely male-female, but yes, there is like... I agree, but I'm saying, like, it seems to me when I hear a lot of these stories of, like, anecdotally, when I hear about women breaking, when I hear about my friends breaking up with their boyfriends, it's because they were, like, kept saying, there's this thing that you're doing,

there's this thing that you're doing that I really don't like, that I like, that I cannot, that you need to change, that you need to change, and the person doesn't change. And then I feel like a lot of the men I've spoken to or read about or hear about are like, just seeming, the women are always blindsided. seemingly. Right. And there's less, like you said, conversations and build up and you don't know it's coming quite as much. Right. Yep. I do think there's, you know, this feeling of I can't communicate this until I've made up my mind, which is why I think he like dropped the bomb in the apartment and ran because he's like, I've made up my mind. I don't want to be like talked into it.

The U-Haul truck is outside. I'm loading it up and I'm leaving. And it's really hard because they've been together for a really long time. So I want to just validate how hard this is to have this happen in this way. It does. And the other part that feels, and again, I think you're right. It just comes from a difficulty communicating on the part of this man is that it sounds like he was doing all of these things for the last, for throughout the course of the summer, talking about, you know, shared phone plans. and getting an apartment together and doing all the things that I think he thought that she wanted. And maybe was like, okay, maybe I'll just try to jump on this ship to Forevertown and do all these things.

And then was like, nope, that doesn't feel good either. So now I'm out. Which that's really hard because it made it seem like he was heading in that direction and then just pulled the rug out from under you. Yeah. And he's had months to be thinking about this decision and processing it. And she's again just kind of like hit with it and then just alone. And it's almost, I'm sure it feels like a death in a lot of ways. Yeah. Breakups are like feel kind of like a death with like added cherry on top of rejection versus death, which is just death without the rejection. Right. Not a little less personal. Right. So breakups are really hard. Honestly, Like that is one of the things that I started off my practice with in the beginning was just helping people get through breakups because those are the ones that can feel like the most intractable of life events and the hardest to kind of get out from under, like people that suffer for years. So she has this meeting coming up. I thought her text was good. I thought she explained herself really well.

It was like vulnerable without being too much. And so she's got this. And I thought his response, that would be nice. It continues to be annoying. Yeah. He didn't say, okay, sure. That would be nice. I don't think it was so bad.

I think it was kind of like, I would like that too. That would be nice as opposed to like, yeah, okay, that sounds fine. I guess. Right. Yeah. Well, he needs his social security card back. That's true. It's being on his best behavior.

Yeah. Okay. So they have this, this, I'm sure this is like the most awkward about, I've seen many men also, just not to scare her, but I've seen many men back out of this last minute. Where they agree to this conversation and then it gets closer and they're like, I can't handle it. Yeah. Because like, I understand. And I understand why if you break up with. someone that you're like, I don't want to tell you all the things that I was thinking for all these months.

I don't want to tell you all the reasons that I couldn't be with you to get forever. Like, that sounds mean. I don't really want to do that. Yes. So I can understand why that would be like if you break up with anyone to have a conversation to sit down with them, it's like scary and uncomfortable and you wouldn't want to do it. And again, not to, not to defend the monster, but I can also see why like, you know, the fact that he left so. does probably mean that it was very difficult for him. He probably knew that if he sat and he talked,

he might not be able to do it. Yeah. Yeah. You're 100% right. That's why people avoid this because you are, you're hurting someone with the breakup. And then it's almost like you're going to do more damage by telling them, you know,

what it sounds like he probably wanted to say, which was like, I just didn't see my future spending the rest of my life with you. Like once we started kind of going, in that direction. Although maybe he was initiating that. That's what I have kind of unclear about like who was initiating all the like shared phone plan.

Maybe it was him and like buying an apartment together. Like that is weird if he was initiating that while he was having doubts. Right. Well, maybe she had this conversation with him about like we need to like get out of our rut. So he was like, all right, I'm going to try. And like I'm trying to go all in for like a little bit. which he did for the summer. And then he was like, and he did it.

And then he was like, oh, that doesn't feel right. Right. Or interesting, right? Like maybe what she meant, what I interpreted her meaning by rut was like, let's be more sexy. Let's go out more. Let's like not sit on the couch in our PJs. Let's like tell each other nice things.

Let's feel like a little bit more of an excitement for each other. And it sounds like he interpreted that as like, shit or get off the pot. Like, let's move the relationship forward and, like, get married or, like, get a shared phone planner by an apartment. Like, maybe there was a miscommunication in that initial conversation. But I think that probably is what she wants, even if she didn't say that outright. And so I actually do think he did the right. If he was, like, not planning on marrying her and he knew that at this point in the relationship,

I actually do think he's done the right thing in leaving the relationship. And he does say that. He says, like, I don't think it's buried. you to like stay here if I don't see this lasting forever. Right. So I think there is something to be said. I don't think that was like the wrong move. I think it's the way he's gone about it again.

That feels more painful or not honoring the relationship by having these conversations and letting it sit and kind of like, I don't know. And would that be better for her? Probably. I don't know. Right. And you can get, I think you can get a. little bit perhaps in this tiny text exchange where he says, let me pull this up one more

second, where he says, sorry for how things, for how things ended up, you really deserve something real and genuine, which I agree was like not nice. But I think what he was feeling was like, I was kind of faking it a little towards. the end. Like, I wasn't feeling entirely like, yes, I want to, can't wait to spend the rest of my life with this person. He was kind of like going through the motions. And then when he said real and genuine, rightfully so, I think anyone would have done that. But this is a microcosm of why breakups are hard. She's like, are you saying that our entire relationship was not real or genuine? And he's like, ah. Like, that's not what I said. What he, like, I think sometimes,

giving some of these guys a little bit more credit. I think men sometimes feel in these conversations, like it's like a gotcha. Right. He's trying to say what he wants to say, but he doesn't say it right. Women are more verbal. Typically, these are all stereotypes, fine, whatever.

Typically more verbal, better at expressing emotions verbally. So he's saying you deserve something real and genuine and she's coming back at him. And then I think a lot of times the guys end up feeling like, I don't want to get caught like. I don't want to get in trouble for saying what I feel. The wrong thing or making it worse by saying something that feels authentic. Right. Right.

So let's talk about the questions she should ask and not ask. Like unhelpful questions that she might want to ask. Right. But shouldn't versus questions that actually might help her feel like she could move on. Right. I think a great question for her to ask would be, and this is what I put in my original craft, my text was like, I'd like to have a better understanding. of like how your perspective or how your feelings changed when and how your feelings changed.

Like I think a timeline of like what happened for him might be helpful because it seems kind of twisted. Right. When did you order the moving truck? What day was that set up? Right. I do think that would be helpful just to understand like how his feelings changed. I'm sure that's a big question because it seems like how do we go from shared phone plan to

you haul right i think that's a good question i imagine she wants to ask this question i want to know your perspective as a therapist if this is a bad question to ask why do you feel like you didn't want to be with me forever what is it about me that that that that without you felt like you felt like you couldn't commit to i feel like that's one thing she wants to ask i don't know if that's a helpful question but i could see like that being almost like her number one thing is like why right what is about me. Yeah, I mean, we've all been there, right? We've all been in that place where you're like, I just don't feel enough of a connection, like, and I can't live without you feeling. Like, I don't think it's going to, like, I don't think people want an answer like, you weren't

ambitious enough, or I was afraid you weren't going to be a good mom or I didn't, you know, your breath smelled. Or my mom. or my mom didn't like you. Right. Like I just don't, I think if, I don't think it's going to be something like that. I think if it is something like that, they wouldn't tell you or something. Or like, again, I think for women, like, I'm trying to think of the reasons women break up with men. It's like, you got really, you get really drunk and I don't like that version of you and you don't really seem to have wanted to change.

Or I want you to be more thoughtful and you just don't really seem to be like trying very hard. And again, those are things. I think you get before the breakup. I don't think she's been getting any feedback on things that she's been doing this whole time. Right. Yes. So yeah, I mean, maybe it's a good question to say, are there any things that you have,

maybe a better question would be, are there any things that we're making you doubt our compatibility long term that you haven't shared throughout our relationship? Because I do think there might be those little things that. are adding up. I mean, it could be. I think it's probably more of just like a, I don't see, I don't feel it enough to commit to forever. That's because otherwise, I think if he did feel it enough to commit to forever, but she got

drunk too much or something, he would say that because he wouldn't be willing to give up the connection because of this thing. So I think if he's not communicating anything, it's probably something more like that because that's hard to commute. There's nothing. Right. It feels like there's no point in communicating it because there's nothing she can do about it. Right. Well, yeah.

And if there was something she could do about it, he would have brought it up earlier. If someone's madly in love, they're going to work through something like that because they're so desperate not to lose this relationship. versus if the connection is a little bit waning. And a lot of guys feel like if the connection is waning now, what's it going to be like in 15 years? Right. Well, they don't realize you have to work on a connection sometimes too. I think is the other annoying part,

which is like maybe something he's not ready to do to work on a connection when it did. You don't want to feel like you're convincing someone, like coming into this conversation being like, hey, a healthy person communicates when something's wrong. and we can talk through it. Unless that is, you know, to me, I'm like, if he's going to move all of his stuff out because he does so badly doesn't want to communicate on issues, then she's dodging a bullet. Right.

And he's not going to tell you that now. He's the kind of person who would do that. So I think you can ask it. I think you're going to get back something along the lines of exactly what you just said, which is I just didn't see it being forever. It was just a feeling. It's going to be really vague. you're not going to get anything concrete.

And then I guess my last question for you that on behalf of the listener is like, what can she do leaving this conversation like to move on? I mean, even before, I think maybe what would be good is just to like journal some of this out before going in, kind of journal it, see if there are specific questions that you have, things that maybe you want to say. Like I think sometimes people leave feeling like not only did I want to ask that, but I wanted to say this thing to him. Good point. So I think if there's anything else that you want to say, I think it's important to say all that because what you don't want to do is then leave the conversation and be like, well, I didn't get to say this or like I should have asked that.

And then you feel like you have to reach out. And that's where you're not going to. That's what makes it hard to move on is like the reaching out after this closure session. Like this is going to be it. And then I think there has to be no contact. I've told you this personally. And like I stand by if you want to move on, you pretty much have to go, no contact.

So almost committing yourself to whatever is said or not said at the end of this, that getting that last bit of information isn't going to make it feel any better or just kind of like mind games that you're playing with yourself. If I find out this answer to this question, if I'm able to just say, you know, the way you handle this was really made me feel terrible that somehow that's going to make you better able to move on. You're having this, which is great. But after this, I think it has to be no contact. And honestly, this is a case for distraction. I think make a plan for that night.

Go out with some girlfriends and distract yourself. Or, right, I always say there's kind of like. in these cases, it's good to go to either extremes, like either one extreme, like, be like, okay, I'm going to sit at home. I'm going to cry. I'm going to feel my feelings. I'm going to like more in the relationship. And I'm just going to really go into my feelings or make a plan with some friends and, like,

distract yourself. But that place in the middle where you're like, I'm not really going to fully feel what I'm feeling, but I'm just going to like talk about it a bunch in like an angry, not feel my feelings way or over analyze. or that's probably the least helpful place you can be in. I think that's great advice. I would also add, I think you can block the number after the meeting. Yep.

And you can tell them you're blocking if you want. I think that's good for your mental health and unfollow on everything. I think you do a cleanse. Oh, agree with that. Yep. You do not need to be seeing anything like social media wise. Agree. All right.

Well, sorry you're going through this. This is really hard. Good luck. definitely keep us posted. Thanks for the update. Let us know how it went. Yeah, you're going to be okay. This is for the best. It sounds like this person is not good at communication, which I would say is if you want longevity in a marriage and deep connection for a long period of time, communication is important. So the way he handled this, I think is an indication that he is not, might not be the best long term partner right now. Yeah. Dodge the boy.

Let's do another one, overshare. Do you want to read this one? Yes, I will read the overshare. Dear Dr. Dana and Dr. Naomi, I'd love your advice on how to deal with a delicate situation with a close friend. My friend will call her Jessica, 30, has been dating her boyfriend 31 for three years. He's dragged his feet at every relationship milestone. It took six months for him to call her his girlfriend, two years to say, I love you, et cetera.

And she's literally had to set deadlines with him to hit these milestones. It's been very frustrating for her. For the last year or so, it's been the same situation around getting engaged. He claims he does want to get married, but once again, he's been dragging his feet. Months after her original deadline, she planned a big birthday trip with friends and family, seemingly teeing him up to pop the question, but again, it didn't happen. As it turns out, he hadn't even been back to the jewelry store since they'd gone together six months earlier. She was devastated.

It's been hard to watch because we know. know the dynamic isn't healthy and she deserves better. Her friends and family have pretty much all gently told her that they think she can find a better match, but it's very unlikely she would ever break up with him. Here's where it gets trickier. Earlier this year, I 32 met a guy 35 who's very much ready to get married. I've had a difficult dating journey. Just check my submissions to you up. So I'm extremely grateful to have found him. Things are moving quickly. And in addition to hitting the typical milestones, he's already enthusiastically brought me ring shopping a few times. I think there's a good chance he proposes within the next few months.

While I'm obviously excited for this next step, I'm dreading the idea of sharing this news with Jessica. She has a competitive nature, and while I know she'll be happy for me deep down, I worry this will hurt our friendship for a while. What's the best way to approach this conversation? I feel like I should give her a heads up beforehand so she doesn't feel totally blindsided. Should I lean on the fact that we're a few years older? And how do I tell her when it does happen? Celebrating in front of her feels cruel. Any advice would be greatly appreciated celebrating quietly.

This is a pickle. Yeah. To the first emailer, this is what happens when the guy doesn't just break up with you. Yes. And instead, doesn't want to avoid that conversation entirely. And then you get this situation where you're like, still dating, but. They're just not, they're not pulling the trigger in either direction. 100%. This sounds brutal.

Be glad. I'm not sure which one's worse, probably this, to be honest. Yeah, because it's like the constant unknown, constant disappointment. Like what our, you know, first listener went through is like rip off the band-aid, horrible, like shocking the whole thing. But I definitely think long term, that's better than this. because then it does like you're describing start to change your whole personality, start to affect the way you interact with people around you, you're not happy for other people, you're like hyper focused on this one thing. She says she's competitive. So that might be part of why she's also

like, I'm sure she loves this guy and she wants to marry him, but there might be this competitive thing of like, oh, now I have to start the race from the starting gate. Right. Everyone else is like further along. I don't want to cut my losses and start from square one. I think that a lot of people feel that way when they're like, if I just hold on for a little longer, maybe he's going to be all in, which may, I mean, maybe you will, who knows. But anyway, that's not the person who's writing in. So that's her. Yes, that's her problem. This person has this issue of, look, I think the biggest advice, the ultimate thing is like, this is not your, this is her problem. You're allowed to get engaged you're allowed to be happy that you're engaged.

I think when you say should you give her a heads up, like a warning shot, yes. If you held back from telling her that you've been ring shopping, I would tell her that so that she kind of like sees this is happening and like knows that it's coming. Yeah. So she's not totally caught off guard. She's going to be pissed. Yeah. She's going to be jealous.

She's going to be upset. She's not going to like it. from everything you said, I don't think there's too much that you can do about that. And I hate to say this, but it might be good for her. I agree with you. I was thinking that. Yeah. Because there she has, it's not like she's in a situation where she has no agency, right? Like, it's not like something terrible has happened to her and she cannot control anything going on with the outcome. Yes. Like she can sometimes these kinds of things do push people to make a move. Yep.

Oh, he'll certainly hear about it. The boyfriend will. He's going to get an earful after she gets that phone call, whether she actually ends it or just like gets upset with him and picks fights with him or gives him another deadline. And, you know, that's between them. I don't, I hear, I've seen a lot of people in this situation. and it is really hard to end it. Like when you're in a relationship with someone that just doesn't feel like they're moving at the same pace with you, there is this temptation to just keep being patient and patient and patient to avoid the pain of a breakup.

Breakups are really hard. Which is what he might be doing too. Yes, totally. Of like, I'm just buying more and more time, just like delaying and delaying and delaying because I don't want to have a difficult conversation. Yeah. or like, you know, lose the companionship of this person for now, which feels nice. Right. So as far as what you are, what she's going to do, I think you need to like, if you've gone ring shopping, let her know, like, talk about, you know, what your feelings are.

You don't want to end up in one of these friendships where someone creates a crisis in their life. And that crisis overtakes the entire friendship to the point where now you can't talk about. anything that you're excited about. You can't, like, have a place in this friendship because it's all about protecting her from this situation, like you said, that she's kind of created for herself by not following through with her own deadlines. Would I ask her to come ring looking, look, come look at rings with you? No. Right. Like, would I ask her to help plan your engagement party? No. Right. But like, should you be honest? And I think there's a way to be honest. And this is kind of, we get this with like the like the fertility questions and stuff like.

that too. There's a way to be honest and like happy for yourself. And again, she's saying like she had her own dating struggles. It's not like she was like it always came really easy to her. Like it's okay to be like happy for yourself and celebrate something that's going well for you while still being sensitive to someone else within reason. You don't have to tiptoe, but I think you can, you know, there's certain obvious things like again asking her to help you plan anything like engagement related. I wouldn't have your boyfriend ask her to help him plan anything. But should you say, could you, could you text her or if it's, if you're already speaking, say, I wanted you to know, we're looking at, we're looking at, I'm trying to see, because it's part of it's like a little

condescending. If you're like, I hope you're okay. I'm looking at rings. Do you know what you? Yeah, I think you could just say it like, you know, in the way that was like, you know, we did go ring, you know, part of their conversation like, oh, what did you do? Oh my God, it was really fun. We went ring shopping today and not sure what's going to happen with that. And then depending on the friend's reaction, you could be like, I know that might be like a, you know, kind of hard topic. I want. One thing she might want to do depending on their friendship is just kind of be like kind of ahead of time you know so and so and I have been talking about maybe getting engaged I know if that happens it's going to be

really hard for you I just want to make sure that it doesn't affect our friendship and I want to be sensitive like I really feel for what you're going through and um you know she might want to get ahead of it if she thinks this is really happening or if she's going to say hey what did you do yesterday. Oh, I went ring shopping with so and so. I'm really excited, but I'll be honest, I was thinking about you and like how you would feel about it. And I just want us to like, you know, I don't want any of this stuff to get in the way of our friendship. So I want to be open and honest with how we communicate around these things. Right. I agree. And then when she does get engaged, I think she can send her a text and tell her. I wouldn't do like, I think we talked

about this with fertility stuff too. Like it's nice to get a text so you can process before you like put on your happy face to be like, I'm so excited for you rather than hearing and having to react in the exact moment. Right. Totally. Like text her and then let her call you. Yes. Yep. And it, you know, this might be a good thing for your friendship. And again, like an indicator of how you guys are going to handle things long term in your friendship. If you can just kind of maybe one night or in person, just be like, this is how I feel about this thing. Like I think, you know, we've been talking about this and I know it's a sensitive subject for you.

And I just want to make sure that we're able to communicate it, communicate about this and stay close. And I really care about our friendship. And I don't want any of these topics to feel like uncomfy. That might be an option depending on how, you know, open she is to vulnerability and communication. Yeah. I would try that.

And then just know, whatever she reacts. That's all you can do. You did everything you could do. You were nice. You were respectful. But again, while still accepting that you can celebrate your own ones. Yeah. And also the thing that might be nice is giving her permission to be like, I know it's okay

if you're not like that if it happens or after it happens. I know it's okay if you're not like I totally get if you're not the happiest right now for me. Like I might feel the same way if roles were reversed and like give her permission. Yes. I like that. Her feelings. I might feel the same way. for all or I probably would feel the same way.

Right. So then it gets her off the hook of having to like fake it when you know that she is or like, I'm sure she'll still fake it a little bit, but just kind of giving her permission to feel the way she feels because I do think a lot of people would probably feel this way. But I do hope that this pushes her a little bit because I'm sure you're not going to be the last person that's going to get engaged and it's going to trigger her. This is going to keep happening to her unless he either, you know, gets his stuff together or they end up moving on separately.

Yeah. And you always say this. Anxiety is helpful to the extent to which it makes you take action. Right. So perhaps it will push her to take action. Totally. All right. Let's do a betchesist.

I like this one for you as a therapist. Good ethical dilemma. I will read it. All right. Hello, Jordana and Naomi. I love the podcast. I've been listening from the very beginning. I have a situation I hope you can help me with.

I'm a mother of two. My husband and I have been talking about having a third child. However, I'd like to try therapy first to address some of my anxiety and trauma around pregnancy. I'd also like to address some of the stress of motherhood. For context, my doctor found a lump on my first daughter's neck on the 20-week ultrasound, and we were told by a specialist that it was cancer. We had to go through multiple tests at Boston Children's for them to roll that out. I ended up having a relatively healthy child who is a medically managed condition that's nothing like cancer.

Then I miscarriage shortly after I got pregnant the second time. Finally, when I got pregnant again, I ended up on light duty, I don't know what that is, due to complications around the 34-week mark. When I went into labor, someone hit us on the way to the hospital and drove us off the highway going about 70 miles an hour. Oh my God. We all survived and I had the baby at the hospital with minimal differences to a regular delivery. My husband was amazing and supportive through all of this. Anyway, my husband does not really believe in therapy. He has said that he will support me if I want to go and work through this issue.

However, he just brought up that he is very uncomfortable with a stranger knowing intimate details about him. So he asked that I not speak about him in my sessions. He said that he shares with me more than he would ever share with anyone else. He trusts me with the inner workings of his heart and mind. He wouldn't then want me to talk about that with a therapist, a stranger to him. Furthermore, he believes that important decisions in a marriage should be made by the two of us and important discussions about our lives and our future should be between the two of us as well. I agree that we would need to make these decisions ourselves, but I don't think therapy would

hinder that. How can I go to therapy and respect his privacy while also addressing my needs? I don't see how I could leave him out of my pregnancy and birth stories. So as a therapist, do you think it is unethical to go over life events that involve someone who has specifically asked me not to discuss them in therapy? Thank you so much for your help, a bottled up betch. All right. This is interesting.

I think this is more, this is going to be. to be easier in practice than I think she thinks it is. She may have to tell him. Like, I don't think the request that she never mention him at all is reasonable. Like, right. To anyone. I mean, I think that's like, you can't talk about me to anyone ever. That seems crazy. Right. That's crazy. I think she can respect his wishes by maybe not diving into like his personal trauma or what happened to him in his life. Or, you know, psychoanalyzing him, which often does happen in therapy where like people want to kind of psychoanalyze their partner or their friend or their boss or someone else that's not

them. So I think she can respect that. I think she can do this in a way where it's like she's not going to never talk about him, but she doesn't need to go in on him and his feelings. Like I think that's possible. I think his fear is, what I hear, is that she's going to go into this therapist and her and the therapist are going to decide whether or not they're going to have a third child. And he thinks that that's crazy, which. Yes, and speak on his behalf, right, basically. Yes. So I think if she's just like, I need to process my feelings and fears and what I experience. And if you are like a character in that, a player in that, if you're a part of that, I'm going to talk about it.

But I, she doesn't need to, you know, she, like let's say she thinks that, you know, he's depressed. I think she can just kind of mention like,

I'm not sure. It seems like he might be a little depressed and leave it at that. Instead of like, maybe going into all the reasons and explaining. Like, I think she can respect his wishes and still get what she wants to get out of therapy. I don't think she needs to go in on his. most personal private thoughts that he's sharing with her in order to get what she's looking

for out of therapy because it really doesn't even sound like it's that much about him. Right. Yeah. But I think the idea that she would never mention him at all is crazy. That's crazy. I mean, she has a husband. He was there. She probably would say something positive about how he handled their crisis situation and,

you know, all those things. If the issue is, so here's the thing, if there is more of an issue between, the two of them. That's not just about her processing, her trauma and her issues, and he's just, like, present for that. And she feels like in order to really figure out if she wants a third child, that there are issues between the two of them, then this request is not going to work. Right.

I mean, she also said she'd like to address some of the stress of motherhood. I feel like that wouldn't, you can't really have that conversation without bringing in whatever your partner is doing or not doing. Right. I mean, she might want to follow up with him with kind of like, if there are specific things that you feel like you don't want me to share, let me know. Like, I'm happy to respect that. If there's like certain issues that you have in your past or things that we've talked about

or intimate details that you've shared that you don't want me to share with my therapist, let me know and I'm happy to respect that. But part of what I might want to talk about are like, you know, household responsibilities. or parenting responsibilities and how we're dividing up things that go on in our home. And you're naturally going to be part of that conversation. And she can reassure him that, like, I'm not going to be in there to, like, bash you or talk poorly about you. It sounds like she said he was really supportive, like she has positive, you know, feelings

towards him. But maybe if there is something more there where she feels like in order for her to get what she needs to get out of this, she's going to need to talk about him, then maybe she needs to push harder on the couple's therapy route. Right, which it sounds like he was not into it all. Yeah, and I would, I would stress the, she's not going to make the decision. She might give me some ideas of questions that we should ask ourselves in order to make this decision, which would be done with you. But I'm not going to come out and say my therapist says we should or shouldn't have a kid. And also I would stress that it's like, extremely confidential and legally confidential.

And it's not like this person is, you know, I would assume you would make sure to not see anyone like who knew any, either of you or anyone that you guys knew. Totally. Yeah, I think you could reassure him in some of those things. Like,

let me know if there's certain things that you don't want me to mention. I'm happy not to mention those things. If you are okay with not mentioning those things. And also, I'm not in there. to make a decision for us. That's not what this is about. So maybe reassuring him with that.

But it is an interesting question because it does, you know, and I think a lot of people do, like, even interestingly, like in the group therapy that I run, there is kind of a hesitancy for people to, even if they're struggling with their partner, to talk negatively about their partner. Right. Like, I don't think this is uncommon that you,

you really want to respect this person and not like give them a bad reputation in front of other people or you know. And it's nice. It's a nice thing to respect in your relationship. But I think there are ways to do it where it doesn't feel like you're bashing someone or you're spilling all their most private secrets, but you're still addressing how they are affecting you psychologically. Right.

And I think a lot of that comes in the way you're talking about someone. Exactly. You know. So maybe he just needs a little reassurance. Maybe he's seen some therapy show or something where people like come in and are just like bashing their partners or, you know, spilling all of his secrets. Like his personal life details are they don't need to be part of your therapy if he doesn't feel comfortable with that. I think you can get what you want out of it without that. I agree.

And again, if something comes up where you feel like I feel like this would be helpful to share with my therapist, how would you feel about that? Yes. You can discuss that with him. Yes, agree. All right. Let's do some triggers. I think we solved that one. Do you want to read our first one?

Sure. Okay. A lot of therapy questions and relationship questions today. Yes. All right. Here we go. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I love listening to oversharing and appreciate the work you do in your perspectives every week.

I'm a first time mom still in the early stages of postpartum. Our baby is beautiful and healthy, but my husband and I are still working out some postpartum depression on both our ends. Before getting pregnant, we never even knew that paternal PPD existed. Anyways, I was excited to return to work when the time came. I would miss my baby, but I love my job, my manager and the team I work with. I've also been very career driven, and I was so excited to feel fulfilled as a mom and a working mom. One week into my return to work, my entire team was laid off from this large tech company. I realize it's an unfortunate reality for many in the country right now. Between postpartum and losing my job, I thought it would be a good time

to return to therapy. I chose to work with someone new who said they specialized in postpartum. When I joined the online session, he asked, how are you? And I responded and asked the same, to which he said, can't complain. I had a good poop today. I thought that was weird, but the session continued. When I explained, I wanted to work on stress management as I start looking for a new job, he asked what I did for work. Upon explaining my role, he replied, couldn't AI just do that? I was so floored that I awkwardly laughed it off and then spiraled on it the rest of the day and into the night.

This comment might have been a joke, but it seemed inappropriate to say to a patient who's struggling to rebuild their identity and career as a new mom. So how trigger can I be? I would love to hear your perspective if I'm overly sensitive and how much a therapist should or can joke with patients. and at least an AI can't be a mom-to batch. P.S., this mom brain will not allow me to think of a more catchy sign-off. Okay.

Yeah, this is crazy. That's a very insensitive comment to make. I am so, I can, I, it sounds like this is within the first two minutes of them meeting each other. Not a match. Not a match. I don't know. I don't like to like off the bat be like, this therapist is staying crazy, but like, how are you? And then he says, I had a good poop today. Like, I don't. Right. Who would say that to anyone? It's a professional setting. Anyone. I mean, maybe, maybe, not even. But like,

if you had an established relationship for years with this person and you know their sense of humor and they make jokes like that, and it's like a thing that you do. Right. That's your intro. Your intro. And it sounds like almost, I don't know. Like maybe he was like drunk or something. I don't know.

That's a really weird thing to say. And then the AI comment when she's like a lot of people in my office just got laid off. And then he's responding with like, what do you do? Can't AI just do that? Right. As in like no one will hire you. No one will hire you. Your job is kind of pointless.

And like I can see why they would lay a bunch of people. people off. Right. Yeah. This guy, I mean, that's why you do like an intro call, I think, to see if someone's match, it's annoying to waste your time explaining your whole, this is annoying thing like, waste your time explaining your whole story to someone and then be like, no. And she's probably like, am I being nitpicky? I don't think you're being nitpicky. I think you're going to find a new person. If he was like in graduate school, trying to work towards his degree as a clinical therapist and he went in and his supervisor's watching this interaction and the patient says, how are you?

And he says, I had a good poop today. That's a fail. Fail. Fail. That is a fail. So that's the type of like quality that you should be looking for. I don't know.

This set. Not good. Move on. Sorry that you wasted your time and your money. You are not overreacting between those two things. Yeah. I give this a seven. Because she also, like, spent the next few hours, like, am I replaceable by, will I ever get a job?

What's on the, yeah, like made her get, you feel worse? Yeah, to feel worse. Spend money. Time away. She maybe had to get like a babysitter on top of it for her child. Time away from her life, her job, the money she spent. And then she's spiraling afterwards and thinking about this man's like bowel movements. Gross.

Out. Seven. I give this a seven. Yeah. I'm sorry that happened to you. You know what? I don't know. Then I come back to the other one, you know, with the with the guy who doesn't want to do therapy. And I'm like, if you see your stories like this, I could see why some people are like, who's this person that's going to be deciding whether or not we have another kid? Or hearing about my like childhood trauma, this weirdo. I get. I get it. Yeah. Now, most this is not most therapist. This is not typical. I don't this is, I've never heard of such a thing. thing. I'm glad that you wrote in. This is don't let anyone you don't you don't need to give this person another chance. This is not. I agree. That's why you have these intro calls to see if there's like a vibe. It sounds like there is definitely not one. Yeah. And a lot of people will give like a free 15 minute

like kind of get to know you call. I've had that with both of my therapists. Just to see if it's like a like a little. Yeah. You tell them like a high level thing about what. what you're looking for. You kind of get their initial thoughts, and then you both decide if you're going to move forward. Yeah. Oh, God. I'm kind of grossed out by thinking about this random, like,

ghost person's poop in the morning. Out there. Break. Right. Also just like out there giving advice to people. Weird. All right. Let's do one more.

All right. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, love the pet. I'll jump in with a triggered for you. My future sister-in-law, my husband's brother's fiancee, is starting to plan. their wedding. Recently, she was talking about potential bridesmaids, and I got the sense that I wasn't going to be asked to be one. I was mildly disappointed as I figured it was an easy way to include me in the

day, but understood because we aren't particularly close and I didn't have her as a bridesmaid in my wedding a year ago. She was dating my brother-in-law at the time, but not engaged. Today, she texted me. I know you're busy with your sister's wedding next year, but if you'd want to be a bridesmaid, let me know. But then followed it with this Google survey, screenshot strats attached. I was floored. The survey suggests I need to sell why I should get to be a bridesmaid and convinced her what I would bring to the table. I was immediately offended and triggered and it made me not want to be part of it at all. Bridesmaids should be about including your close friends and family and not making your friends duke it out like it's the hunger games. I ultimately responded and said

I would be happy to be a bridesmaid because it felt rude to fully say no, but if it doesn't work out, no problem. And I did not even acknowledge the deranged survey or fill it out. How triggered can I be? Also, do you agree with how I responded? Should I acknowledge how offensive this is? She's slightly younger than me. I'm 30. She's 26, but not young enough to excuse this in my book. Thanks for your takes in advance. A, no, I will not take your survey batch. All right, this survey, she included the screenshots of the survey, is crazy. Some of the questions are, there's not that many. alt-rhythm. Specialties that would help plan a wedding and day of wedding. Any dates or time periods during the next year, you were not available. What would you like to get done in terms of like hair and

makeup? Rank how you wish to participate during my wedding journey. And then the options are not interested. No hard feelings if I'm not picked. I better be picked. And then the options are bridesmaid, made of honor, guest, attend bachelor at party. And then the last question is reasoning why you should be picked to participate in the wedding. Support your reasoning from the previous question. This is crazy. Yeah. I can't believe that I can you imagine like someone were like I'll give you $100 to

send out the survey like pretending that it's real. No way. I don't think I would do it. It would be too embarrassing. Just like the idea that you thought this that you were like being your bridesmaid was so important that people would be like. Would be like fighting for it. Yeah.

It does sound extremely narcissistic. So for the record, I totally agree. Devil's advocate position. Okay. The devil's advocate position, and this is, the survey is deranged, but I agree. The devil's advocate position is maybe there is this culture with brides and bridesmaids and where it's sort of like, you ask me and I don't want to say, I really don't have the time or money, but I say yes because I don't want to offend you. Right. So now I'm doing this role that I really don't want to be doing. Right. So I kind of can understand the concept of like, I want to make sure you're into this.

This doesn't sound like what it is. It sounds like it's more of a sell yourself. Like you should be so honored. I'm surprised you can put on an application fee. Like American Idol or something. Right. Yeah. Like an administrative, you know, processing fee.

Processing fee. but I could see almost like if and I hear this a lot in my practice where people are like I'm a bridesmaid in like seven weddings. It's so expensive. Like I really don't I don't really want to do it. I don't want to buy the dress. I don't want to do all the things. I don't want to pay for this, that and the other. But I feel bad and they end up like there are people that end up spending like upwards of like $10,000 in a year to be part of other people's weddings that.

they don't really want to do. So I get the concept of finding out what are you interested in doing. And I like that she was like, you know, Bachelorette party only. Yeah. Because there might be some people that are like, yeah, I'm down for Bachelorette. Bachelorette only. You might only get all Bachelorette Party onlys. Yes. We're all guests. Right. Yeah. You know, if it was just, if it was just that question. Right. I think I might be okay with it. Right. If she didn't send her a personal text and just sent this email out, hey, you guys are all important to me, meaningful in my life. I don't want, and she explained it exactly how you did. I wouldn't want to get into a situation where I know you guys have a million weddings and bridesmaids

and they're so expensive. And so I don't want to put anyone in a weird position. So I'm just sending out this survey just to get a sense of who actually wants to be a bridesmaid versus and no hard feelings on the answer. Yes. And it was just rank how you wish to participate in my wedding. I wouldn't call it a journey, but in my wedding. as if it's like, you know, the best journey of your life.

It's like no one cares about this wedding besides you. But I think if it was just that one, I agree. It might be like, that's kind of nice. We're all, yes. The honesty is refreshing. The picked part, like if you're not picked and the whole like, how could, what skills do you have that would make you like, you want a wedding planner, hire a wedding planner. This isn't like free labor.

These are a bunch of friends to come and take photos with you and stand by you and tell you how pretty you look and like be nice and hang out. That's what this isn't. If you want a wedding planner, hire a wedding planner. I agree. Get over yourself. This is crazy. This is. And I think her response was great.

I'm not filling out this derange survey. I'm going to like say, hey, here's how I feel about this. Would love to participate. Right. Definitely not going to be doing any dances or jumping. hoops and I'm not filling out your survey. Agree. Like a real person has a real conversation with someone.

I hope that you guys continue to send your wedding stuff in, even though we tend to have this view on it. But this one is this one's nuts. This kind of takes the cake. An email explaining the reasoning with just the survey about what you won't want to be. I'm okay with the other parts. I'm crazy. I give it.

I give it a seven again. And I think it's also because you're like, oh, you're marrying my brother. That's awkward. Oh, my husband's, it's our husband's brother's fiance. Oh, that's not so bad. Okay.

That makes that's not too bad. Yeah. Less personal. I'm going to rank it lower. I do think it's an indicator of like some kind of craziness that's about to happen around this wedding. So I think it would be good for you to kind of not be picked because it sounds like this is.

like major bridezilla territory. This is almost like funny and crazy. And I'm going to give it like a four, but it is as far as like triggering, but it is kind of nuts. You know what you're right. Since it's her brother's, if her husband's brother's fiance,

I'll give it a four. If it was like this person's marrying my brother, I feel a little weird about them as like a judgment like judgmental. Yeah. I think it'd be higher, but I agree. Husband's brother's fiancee.

I'll give it a four. Yeah. Yeah. I appreciate you sharing this. I do think it opens up a good conversation, like you said, around, I don't know that I would do it as a survey, but maybe, like, I don't want someone to be participating in my wedding that is feeling not like festive vibes about it. Right.

You're not into it. If this is like the seventh wedding that you have and we're not like best, best friends, I would want to know if someone was like reluctantly participating. in my wedding. And there's ways to get there without this whole thing. But we did it. All right. Thanks for writing in. Guys, keep writing in. We love our listeners. Can't wait to hear more. Looking forward to next time. That's our time. Great work today. Betches.