Oversharing - How Can I Stay Balanced When I’m Provoked?

Episode Date: March 17, 2026

Jordana and Dr. Naomi are back to regularly scheduled recordings after Jordana welcomed her baby girls and the two hosts are already plotting their next IRL hangout with the entire gang. An overstimulated mom overshares her guilt after forgetting a friend's birthday and fears her apology didn’t smooth things over as she had hoped. An expecting Betch is blindsided when her bestie stakes claim to a wildly common baby name, forcing her to choose between her friendship or her child’s namesake. A single mom dealing with an ex-husband who seems to exist purely to test her blood pressure asks for an intention she can repeat when he inevitably pushes every button she has. A woman who runs a 5K for pediatric cancer is side-eyeing a close friend who has ghosted her donation requests for multiple years. Finally, a childfree Betch is triggered that her dream wedding is being derailed by other people’s children and wonders if she’ll ever get over it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How's it going?

It's my first episode recording back in real time after maternity leave. So this is exciting. This is exciting. We're back. We're on camera. We're doing it. Yeah. You're back in more ways than one. I tried to, you know, initiate a conversation about having guests at your house, including myself and Jeff and the three kids right after you had two, two babies. So you're back personally. You're back professionally. Everyone's back on your case. It's funny because we have like a sibling group chat. So we were talking about like sibling meetups the summer.

So our conversation about you staying with me sort of unfolded in a group chat, which is always like funny. There's nothing funnier. I mean, we didn't, we were not fighting at all. But like it is kind of like funny and extremely awkward when there's two people fighting in a group chat that you're in, but not part of. Yes. Yes.

It's almost maybe better than watching two people fight in front of you where you're not involved in it because you can sort of like talk to the person on your side about what's going on. Yeah. I mean, you know, I'm sure there's little side chats happening. The group chats are just really crazy. They can get crazy. I mean, this didn't. This was just a semi, you know, awkward, hey, it's March. Trying to plan for the summer. What do you think about a repeat from last year? but obviously I'm aware. So I thought we would do this in real life and show, you know, kind of show how it's done. A psychologically healthy way to discuss this.

Yes. So the past couple of summers, we've been coming, staying, the five of us, it's a lot of people. We had a little chat last time about maybe it was a little long. Maybe we could shorten it. And now there's two more people living. Three more people. more people because I'm going to have, yes, I'm in the process of hiring a, um, a live in nanny because we have like a, a guest room for, for her. I would love to have you. I have, we have one

extra, like, full room, which I'm calling now like the Willy Wonka room because there's, we have like a queen bed, a king bed and a twin bed. The family hostel. In the king bed, are there pillows on both sides, both ends of the bed so that Grandpa Joe and Grandma Josephine can listen, depending on who is coming, there could be. We could get four in a bed. It's also just the idea, now that you look back at that movie, the idea that you would be like in the same bed as your kids other in-laws is really funny. Like if anyone could picture their own parents with their,

partner's parents in the same bed is like pretty impressive permanently all day like basically i don't think anyone realized how crazy that scene actually is it'd be pretty impressive um right to be able to spend i can't think of anyone i know who's multiple in their parents and their in-laws could spend all day together in one bed a lot of meditating in there yes deep breaths so look i mean i want to know honestly how you feel about it I really want, here's the other thing that can happen, right? And these types of dynamics is like, you might feel one way. Mike might feel another way, right?

And I think there's this thing where it's like, and I don't know if this is for you, but like you don't want to throw your partner under the bus and kind of be like, it's a little bit much for him. Right. But it might be. And that's also okay. And I would get that. I think maybe 10 days was a little much for like, I mean, last summer we had like everyone

there and it was it was like a long longer time i i had a great time i think he might because also he was like in his busy season of work yeah i think was a little like he felt weird the whole time because he was like working the whole time and then so i think maybe that was part of it but i think a good long weekend yeah um would be really fun two night two nights three nights throw in a third throw let's do let's do three well the other offer was if you want to give the nanny that time off and then we can help the babies. Right. And then have the additional. Right. I think I'm not sure. That would be a lot of coordinating, but. Yes. I'm not sure if she will be like, you know, it depends if she has her.

Sometimes like a place to go. Yeah. She might stay here on the weekends and just not be working or going and come or she. So that's why I'm kind of like, let's play that part by ear. But there are enough actual beds for the whole family. They're just all insane. Pretend it's a hotel room. Yeah. It bothers me zero to sleep in one room with my whole family. That doesn't bother me. We snuggle.

The kids actually like it because they always want to sleep in our room, in our bed. Right. We get crazy storms here. Like lightning hail people's houses. I know people whose homes have been struck by lightning. So whenever it's lightning, we have the kids kind of come in and sleep downstairs and or in our room anyway. So yeah, I have no problem with it.

I just, you know, I think, did you run this by Mike? No. Mike is very, is very like logistic. So he's like, what are the days? If I come to him without the days, he's not going to be able to give me like a good. Okay. There's a couple weeks in the summer where he's like, like on he has like a work like it's like his intensive he's probably working to like 11 p.m.

at night or he has to work the weekends. So I think he's very much like give me the days and we can go for. He likes me to come with all of the information. You have the PowerPoint presentation like when the kid wants a phone. Yes. And they're like, okay, here's the power. Please your case. Yeah, please your case.

All right. So we'll go from there. But I think two to three nights max. I think we can make it. happen. Totally. I think it'd be fun. I think we can we can definitely do it. I'll have some I'll have three extra babysitters. I don't know. Of course, he's in a babysitting mode. No, yeah, he will he's he's, he's into babies. It's really, it's really cute. I just, you know what I think it really is? I, it's so different. If we were to stay elsewhere,

what we would probably end up doing is like meeting up for dinner, even if we met up for dinner, which I don't like. Yeah. Right. But I feel like it's more fun. to all be together and hanging out and have the whole. I've gotten used to. And we haven't had that since you, you know, and pretty much since we live together as sisters, like living in the same house, we haven't been able to have that like good extended quality time

until you got this house. I mean, you guys came a couple of times to visit us, but it wasn't really often. So it's, I like it. it. I've gotten used to it. And now, like, it's funny. It's fun because it's like, there's all these cousins. And I'm like, I want the girls to like know and hang out. I mean, they're not going to, they're still going to be pretty young this summer. But like, you know, everyone to to hang out and get to know each other. And like not just, you know, there's my cousin that I've met three times. Right. You know what I mean? Totally. All right. It's a plan. It's a half plan until we'll get, we'll get the dates. We'll set it up. I'm excited. I, I pitched the, uh, the Mexico. family reunion. Yeah. Mike, he was very into it.

Oh, was he? All right. Cool. Yeah. That sounds great. See, it's so much, I think it's so funny because it's like, I, I think there's probably between the visitors and him, a feel, a feeling on both ends of like, he's probably, he, I think he's like, they think I'm rude.

I'm never like around. And I think, uh, you guys are probably like, I, does he, does he hate us? He's never around. Right. No. I, I know that he's working. and I, the timing just seemed, I know he's a hard working guy. Yeah.

But that's what I'm saying. He likes to be, I think he prefer to come when he's let, when he has less work to do. One, so he's less stressed if I'm like, why aren't you coming to dinner? We're going to dinner. Right. Which I inevitably will do. I can't take a break for dinner, which like I get, you know what I mean? On the one hand, I think I have a point.

And on the other hand, I think if he's like on a deadline or stressed out or like has six other things to do, I understand why he's like, I'd rather, even if like, you don't need me for these things. I still feel weird about them. So the, the, he loves, he loves a plan for a time that he is not super busy. So the, the Mexico Christmas time. Yes. Trip. He was like, yeah, that's great. Let's do it. So we have two half plans. Okay. Well, let's, um, welcome back to me. Let's get into our show. You guys have a voicemail. You can leave us a voicemail at 6463626294. Or you can email us at oversharing at betches.com. We've got some great emails today. Always have the best questions, and it's great as I was making this outline for today to

like read them. We've had many great, great options, but we've got a lot of episodes coming up. And as always, leave us a review, give us some feedback. We love it. And you can also, if you want to get more involved with the show, we get two bonus episodes a month. If you're a subscriber and you get all the episodes ad free in a day early, or you can join one of Dr. Naomi's therapy groups.

Yeah, come find us, Naomi Bernstein.com. We are doing a really cool challenge currently, which is a fear exposure challenge. So I'm helping everybody write their fear scripts of picking whatever it is, something that you are, you know, avoiding or don't like to do or are afraid of and kind of scripting that out and then desensitizing yourself to your fears. by basically everyone writes a script, records themselves reading their script, and then listens to it over and over and over and over again until they're bored of it. And the concept is you can't be bored and scared at the same time. So we'll see how that unfolds for everybody. But that's the type of thing we do and just this really awesome group of people that are there to listen and support. So come find us.

Naomi Bernstein.com. All right, let's get into our first email, which is a shed my shame. Hi, Duran and Dr. Naomi. Firstly, thank you so much for your thoughtful and nuanced advice. Second, Drodana, congratulations on your beautiful baby girls. Thank you. This email is coming at a timely point because I just listened to your episode about missing a friend's birthday.

I did miss my friend's birthday this week and I feel horribly about it. My best friend's birthday was Friday and we had talked casually about her plans with her husband earlier on in the week. So I did know her birthday was coming up. She's not usually a big birthday person and we've never celebrated together. So this was just a casual conversation about her plans. However, at the same time this week, my husband and I both got the flu. Our toddler's daycare closed for the week because of the snowstorm.

My parents got stuck across the country and couldn't help us with my son. And we both still worked full time while trying to care for our toddler. In all honesty, this week was a total shit show and I was in pure survival mode. Once Friday came around, it completely slipped my mind. after work I spent hours at an urgent care and I genuinely wasn't thinking about it. I also typically am not great about remembering the date and usually get reminded about birthdays when I see them on social media, which she does not use. The next day she called me out and mentioned that she was sad.

I didn't acknowledge it. I felt horrible and apologized profusely and she didn't accept it. Just acknowledged she appreciated the apology and that was it. She hearted my last message that I would give her space if she felt like she needed that. and reiterated my shame and apologies. Genuinely felt so much shame and felt like a horrible friend. I'm not sure where to go from here. A part of me still holds on to the shame and I feel it in my body.

The other part of me feels frustrated because it was a mistake and I have otherwise been a very good friend, especially the last few months, as I have checked in on her and a sick family member several times a week and checked in about her own child. I feel proud of how I've shown up for her except for this mistake with her birthday. So where do I go from here? how do I forgive myself, even if she doesn't forgive me?

It was an honest mistake and I still feel so much shame. I feel sick. Sincerely, it's her birthday and I did cry about it. My first question is she didn't accept her apology, but she appreciated her apology. I think she's saying she didn't say when she apologized. Right. Yes. Or like, it's all good.

Right. I guess there was a vibe of it's not all good. I wonder, this is just my hunch. I wonder if by the time this airs, the friend is like over it. Because I could see in the moment, if she's texting her, I don't know when she texts her. I'm assuming the next day, right? Like she forgot it on the Friday. She said, yeah, she said the next day she texted me.

Right. Saying she was like disappointed. Oh, she didn't even let her come to her. Right. Yeah. So I'm assuming the next, she was brewing, she was stewing the next day. She was upset. She apologized profusely.

I have a hunch that the friend probably just, and then she probably wrote this email to us shortly thereafter. My guess is that a day or two later, the friend was probably just like kind of calm down, came down from this and is likely forgiving her. I would assume just because I can't imagine knowing that I have so many patients that during that snowstorm, those two kind of like back to back snowstorms with kids and child care clothes, that that was crazy for a lot of people and so much sickness going around. And it sounds like she was like in urgent care. Her friend sounds annoying. No offense to the friend.

But like, I mean, I think here's the thing. It was bothering her friend. I could see why it would bother me. Like you don't hear from your best friend who you speak to multiple times a week on your birthday. Right. The fact that she, by the end of the day, she was like, oh, that's weird. I haven't heard from.

so and so, like I can see why she'd be thinking about it and feel weird about it. I would feel weirder almost if they hadn't spoken the whole week, but fine. But then like if she, I assume when she called her out, which I think a friend did a good job. She said, I was disappointed. I didn't hear from you. Fine. Totally understandable. If she told her she was like in urgent care with her kid, like if someone, my best friend

didn't text me on my birthday and then I said something and they were like, I'm so sorry. I'd be like, oh, that makes total sense. I'm like, I totally get that. It's like she missed her wedding or like didn't show up to a party or something. Like she didn't verbally acknowledge the birthday. She had something else going on. Yes. So the friends, you can't, you can't understand that as an adult.

It's like it's her mother. It's like, she's like a five-year-old. Like, I think if you can't understand that someone was actually in an urgent care with your child on your, on your, you know, on your 34th birthday. Like I think that's a little weird. It's a little immature to me. No, I would agree with that. And I think on any other day, she might have texted her if she was used to hearing from her and be like, is everything okay?

You know, like, because it was her birthday, she was probably waiting for the call. But on any other day, she might have been the one checking in with her. And she might have been like, oh, my God, this week has been such a shit show. I'm here. I'm there. And then there would have been a different dynamic there. But I do agree. I think once she heard she was an urgent care.

she probably should have said, oh my gosh, that sounds so stressful. Don't worry about it. You know, we'll celebrate another time, especially if she's profusely apologizing. What I think is happening is this friend was like working herself up all night, waiting all night, probably didn't hear anything, waited maybe a couple hours in the morning, was so worked up that it was almost like anything that she was going to say in that moment. Right. Other than like, I'm dead, wasn't going to work.

So that's why my guess is. that if she gives her a couple of hours or a day, she's going to get over it. And if she doesn't, then that's her. That's a her issue. There's something, if that's the case, if she's still, by the time this airs, if she's still holding a grudge about this birthday thing, when you had like a chaotic week and were in the urgent care during that day, although she did kind of subtly allude to the fact that she might have had time to check social media. If her friend had posted, She would have seen it was her birthday. There was a little hinting.

So if you're like on social media, then maybe it's not that chaos. I guess. But like I don't know. I feel like your Czech social media is like a reflex. A reflex. Yeah. Something. It's not like, oh, like if you have, you're not busy every single second of every single day.

But does that mean, right? Does that mean, though, that you can't that it's more like, oh, I didn't think I like forgot about this appointment. I forgot about this. You know, you could be on social media and forget you have a, I forgot that I had a car maintenance appointment. this morning. I like forgot about that, but I'm still on social media. It's not like, oh, I am, I think it's just kind of like your head is filled with so many other things that you have to do.

Not that you didn't have time to do it. Right. You're not checking so. I don't think she's checking social media in like an active, like let me get caught up on what everyone's doing. I think it's probably more reflexive. Reflexive. Yeah, I agree with that. Look, I don't, it happens. I get it. I totally get it. I think the, what I like to do in these situations is I will often say this could happen to anyone it really could this could happen to anyone you could forget a birthday things like this happen i hope that your friend is still not holding it against you and if she does it's probably more something about she's feeling a lack of love in a bigger picture way outside of you if if she's still upset about this by the time i agree she might feel a disconnect

or something in a larger way if it's really it's not if it's if she's still upset it's not about the birthday. And especially because you've been checking in with her about her family member. It sounds like you've been a really good friend. And it might not even be about a disconnect with her. This might be projecting some type of lack of love from other, maybe her romantic relationships or from a parent or there might be something else going on. But I have a feeling she was just amped up, made the call or sent the text or whatever it was. And she was just in mode. And no matter what she said it wasn't going to work. And then once her body kind of settles down, she'll realize, okay, this person's a really

good friend to me. She had an extenuating circumstance. And I think if like five minutes before she sent that text saying she was disappointed, if this person had texted her to be like, oh my God, I can't believe I forgot, whatever, I think she would have let it go. I think she, like you said, she was kind of like hyped up on this argument. She almost felt like stupid probably when you. You texted back back.

The urgent care thing. And to let it, she probably had like too much pride almost to be like saying that because she just kind of yelled at you. Yeah. I'm sure it took the friend kind of like the one we had the last time and sure it took the friend a little bit of courage to say something. Like she, you know, might have been like, oh, should I just wait and see if she texts me and she probably had to work herself up to say something.

So she really had to work. She's ready for a fight. Yeah. Yes. It's funny. I was on a work trip with Aileen, one of my co-founders, whatever. We were like at a hotel. We were sitting, we had like a few hours to kill us.

We were by the pool. And we ordered like salads by the pool. And this was like an expensive salad. It was probably like a $35 salad. It was a chicken salad. And the chicken salad, her chicken salad comes and it has like a tiny little piece of chicken. Oh, that's annoying. On it or something.

They like leave it. And she's like, and she's like, can you believe like for this price, the salad? Like there's like no chicken here. Like it's crazy. And she's like working. She's like so angry. And the guy comes back. The way to, he's like, can I get you anything else?

And she's like, you know, the salad. Like there's just like, there's really not that much chicken. He's like, oh, of course. I'll get you more right away. And then she's like, well, what am I supposed to do with like the 20 minutes of just like outrage? Yes. Been building about the small amount of chicken in this expensive salad when he just immediately. conceded and was like, of course, of course, okay, more. Yes. You almost kind of wish they,

you had a fight. Like, you almost kind of wish there, like you had a chance to plead your case if the, then the person immediately concedes. Yes. It's so interesting because we are, I always say, like, we are just animals. And even if it's chicken on a salad or a missed birthday call, our bodies get worked up. Like, if you saw a bear in the woods and you're like working yourself up, like, all right, I got to do this. And the bear just comes over and like gives you a snuggle. you're like, right. I was my, my limbs are like stiff and ready for battle. Like, I don't know what to do here.

What are you supposed to do with this energy? Yeah. So that might have been what the friend was doing alternatively. All right. Well, let us know. I would be shocked if she is holding on to this and then we can analyze that. Yeah, you can let go of the shame. It happens.

And you apologize. I think better to wish your friend, happy birthday. If you forget, I mean, we talked about this in the list. If you forget, just apologize and text them as soon as you. remember and everyone should let it go unless it is unless they are it is your mother and it is your sixth birthday right thank you for that is the only reason to hold on to the uh forgetting the birthday i agree profuse apology i feel like you know unless she's generally a bad friend a profuse apology should do the right or it happens every year right after you've said something i think again

you can let go of the shame all right let's do another email. We have a betchaicist. Do you want to read this one? I will read this. I like this one. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, first of all, congratulations to Jordana on her beautiful baby girls. I'm a huge fan of the show and always love to hear all the great advice you guys give. I'm currently 36 weeks pregnant and we don't know the gender of the baby that we're having. My husband and I are high school sweethearts and decided long before we were married that we wanted to name our first girl, Elizabeth, after my husband's grandmother. His grandmother has since passed away, but we've continued to hold the name close in hopes that we will be able to have a

girl one day. I never shared this with any of my friends because I didn't want to feel like I was calling dibs on a relatively popular name. My best friend had a baby two months ago and named her Elizabeth. After a lot of deliberation, I decided to talk to my friend to tell her that that was the name my husband and I were planning to use if our baby was a girl. She told me how much this hurt her and that we wouldn't be able to be as close of friends if we use the name. because she really wanted her Elizabeth to be the only Elizabeth. I'm really upset about this because this friendship is very important to me and I don't want to lose it. But this name also means so much to my family and we want to honor the woman that my husband's grandmother was.

Do I talk to my husband and tell them that we can't use the name Elizabeth? Or maybe we use it as a middle name instead? Or should I stay true with the name that we've always wanted and hope that our friendship can handle it? sincerely, possibly Elizabeth's mom. P.S., maybe this baby is a boy, and we won't have to worry about this until a future pregnancy. I would toss the friend, keep the name. We can't be as close. That's, I agree. It was nice of her to even run it by her. First of all, it's Elizabeth. It's like a pretty common name. I also, I just don't understand. It's like this delusion of uniqueness. I could see, like, for example, you know, Lucy seven, right? Like, unique,

unique name. I could see maybe if, like, you had a friend that was like, oh, that's cool. I'm going to do that too or something. Even then, like, I find it flattering, but like. A little weirder, but like, sure. Right. Yeah. Yeah. A lot weirder. But like, I think it's flattering. but there's it's like the idea that you're going to call your baby elizabeth and no one else in your circle is ever allowed to use that name why because it's going to steal your child like what i i would love to talk to her about the what this friend's fear is that if there are two elizabeth's and the bunch of friend you know friend babies like what is the problem i have a i would say similar situation because no one's taken it but with Charlie, that was Mike's uncle's name. He had been, we had been, he'd been talking for years about wanting to use the name Charlie for a girl. He really liked that name.

Um, and so that was like our, our first girl's name for a long time. If I had a friend and she had a daughter and she named her kid Charlie, I would do the exact same thing, I think, if I knew I was having a girl, which maybe she could have waited, but whatever, you're even if I, if I didn't know the gender and just been like, hey, heads up. I'm not just going to like name my kid after your kid essentially, like without giving you an explanation. But like I this name, you know, we've been talking about this name for a while. We're going to name our daughter this name.

And like I hope it's not weird, but I wanted to give you a heads up because I just like wanted to explain why I chose the exact same name is you. But I think to say, yeah, I agree. There's like this illusion of uniqueness, which again, pick a less, pick a more obscure name if you want your kid to be the only person with that name. And I could see, I could see if I told someone that, them being like, that's like a little like in their head being like, eh, I wish that wasn't the case. Right. Where our kids are going to be together and they're going to have the exact same name. Like, I prefer to have this feeling like I'm doing something unique.

Like I prefer. And people are, I think a lot of women are like that with like clothes or like, I prefer to be the one who has like this cool jacket. If you get the cool jacket, it's like less cool. But to say something is, to say we're not going to be as close anymore, it just seems like you have a very superficial sense of what makes people close. Yes. That, I mean, for this to be anywhere near friendship ending is, I think, like you said, I would consider how strong this friendship is before considering changing what you're going to name, especially because it sounds like if you guys were together in high school, you probably also knew his grandmother. I'm sure you both have these like warm, loving feelings. And your child's going to have this for the rest of their life. Like you might move away from this friend.

She might move away from. Right. You guys never see her. Right. You guys could move to different places in like a year. And now you have to change your entire, you know, your daughter's name for the rest of her life. I think this is ridiculous. I think you should just go for it.

And if she, if she's going to end the friendship over this, then they're probably. is something else there. To me, what would make me less close to someone is them telling me that whatever I name my baby would be making them less close, would be something that would make us less close. That would be a factor that I would take into consideration to decide how close I wanted to be with someone. It does, it brings up this idea of like, even like you're saying, you get a jacket and someone else gets the jacket or you name your kid something or you name your dog something or you, I don't know, do a certain decor in your house and somehow it feels like if a friend buys the same light fixtures that you bought or your friend, you know, gets the same

sofa that you have. Like what is that? Like why is that so bothersome? I guess there's a feeling of like specialness, like you're special or you have your uniqueness or like a, sense of individuality or pride, maybe a pride. Like I picked this and I feel proud that I like out of all the things that I could have picked, I picked this one. And so if you pick the same one, it means that like I can feel less proud of myself for picking this. Because now, yeah, I mean, I kind of get it.

But if you're out there and you're one of these people, unless you're like I'm an interior designer and this is like the pride of my life. But even then, if someone copies you, it's kind of like, wow, it's flattering. You know, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I mean, I get it to an extent, but I think out of all the battles in the world, someone gets your same sofa, someone buys your same jacket, someone picks your same baby name. I just, I would love to urge people to just let that one go. Totally. And listen, if you want to be someone who's like,

you know, known for marching to the beat of their own drum, kind of eccentric, very non-conventional. Pick a different name. Right. This name does not do that. That's clearly not your thing. Or even with everything else that, you know, like if you're going to get a jacket, if it's like a jacket by a popular designer that's like they're making hundreds and thousands of these, go to a thrift shop and find a unique jacket that's like, you know,

no one else is going to, it's really, really not going to have it. You got to go hard or you got to accept whatever that some people might have the same ideas as you. Let's move on, name the big, K baby, whatever you want. I think we're in agreement. Let's do some intentions. All right. Hey, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I've been listening to your podcast for quite some time and I'm finally writing in because I would truly value your insight. I'm a single mom who left a verbally and subtly physically abusive marriage when my daughter, who has Down syndrome, was not yet six months old. We now co-parent, but the dynamic remains high conflict. Our daughter will be two in July. My ex frequently attempts to provoke me, talking over me, raising his voice, accusing me of violating

court orders and competing for our daughter's attention. He fought aggressively for 50-50 custody and heavily criticized me regarding child support. I believe his primary motivation for equal custody was to reduce his financial obligation. I now have to pay for more items for our daughter because he does not consistently exercise his parenting time. Recently, he claimed he had been sick for two weeks and said he didn't feel well enough to care for our daughter. During that time, he missed two of her specialist appointments that are two and a half hours

away. He attended a local appointment wearing a mask and formed the receptionist staff. He was sick and was told he could not come back with us. He then went home. Then, once he felt better, quote unquote, he reemerged as dad of the year. In high conflict co-parenting situations like this, what can I tell myself in the moment when he is attempting to provoke me

so I can stay regulated, grounded, and avoid reacting? Thank you both for the work you do. Your perspectives have already helped me tremendously from a single mama at her wits end. I feel for her. This is a really tough situation. It's very frustrating to feel like he went for custody just so that he wouldn't have to pay.

And now he's like finding a loophole by taking two weeks off of his allotted visitation time. And she's paying for everything during that time. And yeah, I'm just going to validate. If you're sick for two weeks, you cannot parent for two weeks. I want like a diagnosis. You want a doctor's not. Yes. I mean, you should.

Yeah. I don't feel good for two weeks. Like you've got something diagnosable where you're like, I mean, that's really, I'm sorry. This is a long time to be sick. Yeah. When you're a parent, you don't really get two weeks off. But this is probably in some ways, I'm sure, I mean, she said she left because he was verbally and I don't know, slightly.

She said subtly physical. Subtally physical. That means physically abused. There's something that happened. And I'm really sorry that you're going through this. This is a tough situation and very, very frustrating. And I'm sure it's hard to co-parent. I mean, it's hard to co-parent.

I think generally people have struggles co-parenting when they're married. Yes. Like in a good relationship. I think to add to that co-parenting when you're, when you're baby that's that young, she's six months and she has, you know, disability. I think that really adds a lot of stress to the situation is like an already difficult situation and you add in sort of parent conflict or you don't have a good relationship with the person that you're supposed to be taking care of this child with.

Really, really hard. And then he can just take two weeks off because he's just like, you know, he wouldn't be able to do that if he was in the house, you know, like you just at some point hand him the baby and like, that's it. You're doing this. So yeah, this is really, really hard, but I will say this. And I hope this is what can keep you strong. It is not easy to choose to leave a partnership with a six-month-old baby with Down syndrome. And you did that because you know that you were being disrespected, probably didn't want that to be an example for your daughter. You didn't want to be living in that type of situation. And that takes a lot of bravery to go through the whole process of picking up,

leaving and choosing to do this essentially what seems like now it's coming out that it's essentially alone. Any parent that can take two full weeks off is not a fully participating parent. So yeah, I think that, you know, you were really brave in getting up and leaving and you did it for the reason that you were trying to remove yourself and potentially in some way your child from this very negative energy that was happening between the two of you. So part of my intention for you is just recognizing, like, I've already made the hardest choice to pull myself out of this negative energy field that is this person. And so I just have to not just because it's not easy, but I'm going to have to continue

to make that choice on this micro level every time he irritates you. or it doesn't show up in the right way, you're going to have to make that choice to step away from his negative energy. But this time it's going to be more like in your own mind and changing your own mindset because you're already kind of physically removed from him. But now he's still affecting her,

you know, affecting her with this, you know, disappointing way that he's showing up, which, is tough, but you've done it once. You can do it again. So my intention that I wrote for her is I made the brave choice to leave this negative energy. I choose peace and will honor that choice. So every time this happens and you notice yourself getting worked up about whatever he's doing or not doing, you are honoring that choice to step out of the piece by kind of taking that breath, stopping, pausing, and saying, okay, I am not going to let him take up space in my head right now.

I like that. I think it's a great intention for any, I mean, obviously for this specific person, but also for anyone who's co-parenting with someone that they're not in a relationship with anymore, which I know is a lot of our listeners. She's almost two. So there's going to be a lot of moments over the years, I'm sure, no matter how good of a place they would get to. What the other person does is going to annoy you.

were not going to be what you, even in the best of relationships, probably, or the best of separations or divorces, not going to be something that you would have done. So I think this is great for this person and also anyone listening who's like still involved in some capacity with with someone that they're no longer with. Yes. And it's like that concept of letting someone live in your head rent free. You left so that he can't, you know, be living in your house. He can't have access to your body. You've created this. physical separation, but now he's just living in your head. So this is kind of the final brick on the wall that you can knock off. Maybe the hardest one even is just, you know,

saying, okay, I am choosing peace. I chose peace in the hardest way and I have to choose it every time he disappoints and doesn't show up the way that he should be showing up. Let's do some triggers. All right, let's do it. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm an avid listener. and I'll get right to it with my triggered story. I'm participating in a fundraising event for pediatric cancer. It's my third year raising money and participating in the physical event. I don't typically like to ask for money, but it's for a good cause and appreciate a donation of any amount.

I asked a close friend last year and she told me she already donated to her doorman. Her doorman is not on my team and her donation was for adults. So maybe she thought she already donated to the organization and did not want to donate again into the same organization. It bothered me, but I let it go. This year, I emailed several people twice within a few weeks. I know we all get a lot of emails, so I gave it a few weeks. My friend who did not donate last year was included in the emails. I sent a nice follow-up text a few weeks later, since I know she's busy this time of year with work and may not have seen the email. I also mentioned how I know she donated to her doorman last year, but it would mean a lot to donate to

my team. She received the text as it was delivered, completely ignore my request, and proceeded to text me back three days later, wish me a happy Galentine's Day, and ask how I was at my recent trip. I texted back a few days later, not addressing the donation and just answering her inquiries. Clearly, she deflected and for whatever reason does not want to donate. Backstory. We've been close friends for almost seven years. We're 39 and live in a major northeast city. She works where I live, so we often do walks, coffee, lunch, dinners, etc. She's a social person. Last year, I went to her wedding in Europe, wedding in the state where we live,

bridal shower an hour away, and bachelorette in another state involving a three-hour flight, hotel, etc. Only close friends were invited to Italy. I have been a good friend always listening to her and her wedding planning. She has been a good listener over the years and has taken me out for work lunches and on a work trip. Due to all the efforts I put in last year for her, I was shocked and hurt that she could not donate last year and told me she donated to her doorman. And this year, she totally ignored my text about donating to the organization I was raising money for, even a nominal amount.

She's not cheap with herself going to dinners, buying nice things, traveling, etc. Does she not like donating? Does she not like being asked what to do? Would you say anything? Or just let it go? How triggered would you be? I've been backing off lately for from reaching out and making plans since I've been annoyed, but not sure how or if I can approach this since she has chosen to ignore it. Thank you for your stage advice. I think she's like equating their level of friendship with the amount her friend should be donating to the organization that she asked her for,

which I don't necessarily think there should be a correlation for. Yeah. Like it's not like she's so much closer with the doorman than her. I think maybe she's like the person writing in didn't say she has a specific reason she's doing pediatric cancer if she has anything personal that it has going on to her she kind of says like i'm just doing this it's for a good cause and that's why i'm asking people for money for it but i don't know if her friend sees this is like having being so much of a benefit for her so maybe that's part of it right i don't know if she could see the correlation as to why it's

important to you i don't know right when she's saying it it's because of that or the friend maybe just feels like she's being hit up for a bunch of donations and she's kind of reached her cap and she's like, I'm not really interested in doing this. The doorman has a relative that he's very close to or his wife or something has this thing. And so I feel more connected to that. Perhaps. And I'm sure that would be an awkward thing for her to say. Like, you don't really have a connection to this thing. So I don't feel as compelled as some other people that I donate to that feel more connected to this particular charity. Look, I could see why she's disappointed. because it feels like this is something that's important to her that she does. It feels like

her team. And she's done a lot, I think, to support this friend, including all of her wedding stuff. This is a stretch. I could be wrong. But I could see it when you have a friend, even in this context where we've talked before about the wedding whirlwind that is weddings and all that people expect between a bridal shower, Bachelorette, wedding, dresses, gifts, travel, that if this person who's writing in is not planning a wedding, is not in the realm of, in the world of marriage, she's kind of like, this is a thing that I'm doing

that's not revolving around weddings and marriage, that you could throw in 30, 50, $30 to, you know, just do something that's important to me when she probably dropped thousands on all of her wedding stuff. I don't know. She's not saying that, but she does allude to that. I think sometimes it can feel like this is a part of me that's important. And just because it's not about a wedding, it actually feels more valuable to spend money on something like this than a wedding. So I could, I get why it's irritating. I also. I also, think, like you say, kind of noted, right? She's not doing it. And the double email followed by a text

seems excessive. They got the emails. If they didn't get the first one, they got the second one. The follow-up text, I think, is a bit much. I think, unfortunately, and I'm not saying it would be great of all these people, including this friend donated, but I think unfortunately, they're just not and you have to accept that this is not your favorite quality of them as friends and humans. I agree. And I think that people, and maybe this is, I don't know if this is wrong or right, but my hunch is that people prefer to give it charitably when it feels like their idea. I think if she was going to give, she probably would have preferred to give if there was like a general mass email. And then she was like, I feel like I'm going to give.

You feel like she's being pushed, her arms being twisted. Right. And then if she gets a text, she's probably like, she probably saw that text and she found it annoying. Like, because now if she gives, it's because she was like hounded to give. Right. Doesn't feel good. Yeah. Right.

And then she's like, well, it's kind of, I almost don't want to give now because you're being like annoying about it. Right. Like, or it doesn't, it won't feel as good to give because I've been asked directly as if I owe you almost. Right. Then if it was out of the goodness of my heart. And again, if we like zoom out and get a little meta about donating in general, it's kind of like, I forget what the show it was.

Maybe it was friends where they were like, nobody does anything selflessly. Yeah. Like even donating to a charity, you do it because it makes you feel good. But if now I'm doing it because I feel like I'm shamed into doing it, now I'm out 50 bucks and I don't even feel like a good person either. It's like a lose, lose. And now I'm annoyed at you for kind of like making me feel that way. Like if you, if we, this is obviously a much more extreme example of what she's talking about.

But let's say you just Venmoed me like $30 and then you wrote a charity name on it and you just like charged me for it. I wouldn't want to get, I wouldn't want to donate that even if it was the same, I was going to the same place. But you just like requested the money for me or even you, even you sent me a Venmo request and you text me. I'm collecting for this charity. and you preemptively charged me. Yes. I think I'd be like, I don't want to give to this because like I don't like the way that I don't, it doesn't feel like it was my idea or it was my choice.

Like I want to feel, I want that I want what I want from it. Yes. No, I do think that's what's happening. Sadly, it's like it is pediatric cancer and like it shouldn't matter. Like I wonder if you ask, if the listener asks themselves, If the doorman had the same pediatric cancer exact donation channel, would it be okay? If it was like, this money really is going to the same place, but it's not going to your team. And it's not part of like your collection amount.

And it's not acknowledging your fundraising capabilities and like making you, making the listener feel like a good person. because she's collected all this money for this charity. It does highlight this idea of like how our egos play into something that's supposed to be very selfless. I think there is an art also to fundraising. I think it's like the story you're telling, which gets people to feel moved to donate, I think is sort of like an art. So if I were her, again, I could see how it triggering to have your text ignored or to have someone who you feel like. you've been there for not show up for you in this way. But I would urge the listener if she's going to continue her fundraising efforts,

which it's very nice. She should continue it. I think there's a little bit more of an art to it in motivating people to give. I totally agree. That's why when I look back over my donations for the year, just personally, like I feel like half of them are GoFund me because you get the whole picture and it feels like you're connected to the person that needs the money.

money. I remember when I was young, maybe like 12. I don't know how I saw it, but they would send stuff in the mail that was like, there is this child in Africa. Sponsor the sponsor the. Yes. And I would just like, for 60 cents a day. I remember going to my dad and being like, we need to sponsor. Look at him. Like there he is. Like this child. Like, we need to sponsor this child. And then you write letters back and forth. And it's like such a better. They send you updates. They send you a picture. I agree.

If you see like an individual, I think people are much more motivated to donate to an individual where they feel like they see this. They have the story of the person who's struggling and they can help make a difference as opposed to like an organization or something that feels like removed or they don't know where it's going. Exactly. And look, I admire anyone who does any fundraising efforts, but I do think some people feel like there is this school of thought that's like,

you're running this 5K, you could just get this money. Why do you need to run the 5K? I don't really understand that either with the marathon thing. It's like you're running for a charity. Running for a charity. How does the running affect the chair? I don't really fully get the connection. Someone's going to angrily write in about, again, for it, for the fundraising, but I don't fully understand the connection either. Right. I think some people, like maybe there is a mindset because she said she's doing the physical activity and, you know, raising involved in the cause. But I think some people feel, and this isn't me, I raise money however you want. I get it. I like it. It's an event. But I think some people feel like the act of I listener am running this 5K, it makes it like a bit of an ego

thing. Like it's about me running this race. I think the flip side is like, I'm trying to do something hard to, it's interesting. It's like, well, I'm trying to do something difficult to show that I'm willing to kind of put the work, put my, put my body where my mouth is. Like, I'm willing to do something hard to earn this money for this charity. And it's like, I guess it adds, because there's an event tied to it, it adds like a time bound element to your donation. Right. Which is probably, like I could take, you, or you could technically donate to pediatric cancer. at any point, I guess, in the year.

Here's the deadline. Right. But if I'm running, I'm collecting for, and when I run the race, that's when it's done. So like maybe that gives people more of an urgency. Yeah, I'm sure there's a lot of psychological factors that go into why that stuff is helpful. But I do think some people kind of feel like you're sort of making it about you now. Like, I'm running this race. This is my thing. So maybe she's one of those people that feels that way about this. But, I would ask once, ask twice, and then I think you got to step back and say, this is not a person that's going to do this. Maybe you do feel like there's no quid pro quo in this relationship at all. So that's a different issue. Like if you feel like she's really just generally not showing up

for you in the way that you're showing up for her, maybe you're trying to find that through this charity thing of like, this is the easiest way for you to show up because it's not even about me. It's about sick children. But I would explore that. Maybe you're just generally not feeling, feeling like you're giving a lot more to this friendship than you're getting back, although she says she has listened to her and talked to her about problems. And so I would, this is not her area of strength as a friend. I would accept that and move on. Agreed. What would you, what would you give this? I'd give it a four. I think she didn't like being texted. Yeah. But she also, like wants you to know she still wants to be your friend she texted you about the gallon to say happy if she

texted her happy galentine's day i think she was looking to say like hey i'm not doing the charity thing but like can we still be friends yeah yes it's like why would anyone else need to why would you need to text them on that yeah yeah one more let's do one more i'm 31 and getting married to my fiancee that i've been with since college i have a decent relationship with his family friendly and polite but not super close if i'm honest my fiance is close with his family and no animosity there. I decided I want to remain child free and I've intentionally created a life of travel, adventure, and flexibility because of this. My fiance knows that I've always wanted to get married in the beautiful landscape of Iceland and he was supportive of this. However, once we started

floating the idea around family and friends, it became apparent that while all of my family and all of our friends, no kids yet for any, were supportive. My fiance's older sister was not for it. She has two kids five and eight. She and her husband make good tech money, so I don't think that is a factor. They have also traveled a lot and they even took one of their kids to France when he was a newborn. I travel a lot myself and see kids on airplanes all the time. While I know that other guests could have their own reason for not going, far, expensive, time off, etc., we are essentially not moving forward with this destination wedding because of these kids. It frustrates me to no end that I have to give up something I want and feel entitled to my one big day when I have specifically designed my life

to be able to do this for someone else's kids. It's also tough to see other acquaintances, have destination weddings, showing family who would travel for them. We were only going to invite the people we know for sure would travel for us. So it was a rude awakening to hear that his sister actually wouldn't. Her explanation is that it's difficult to travel with kids and it would be expensive for a family of four. It would be easier to accept this sacrifice if the sister had shown similar consideration for me at her wedding, but I wasn't even allowed in her own wedding photos because I was just a girlfriend of four years. At that time, I know it sounds silly to bring up something so small, but it is a measurement of the consideration she had for me

on her wedding day. And when you contrast that with the extreme consideration I'm being asked to have on mine to give up my dream in order to accommodate her, it's just maddeningly unfair to be. She didn't even think of me for something as small as quick digital wedding photos, but I have to reconsider my entire location and concept for her. And the fact that there's not a real way to balance this unfairness is why I'm having such a hard time moving on and saying we're all good. I'm still stuck here with this grief and rage at losing something that I felt entitled to, my own wedding.

My one and only day in my entire life that it could make this about me. I still feel so angry that I better never see them go to Europe or travel anywhere. ever again. Not petty. I know I sound like a brat, but it's my wedding. Forevermore, all our family occasions will be dictated by the kids, nap schedules, school schedules, is this place kid friendly, etc. And we as the child-free couple would just fade into the background going along with it because we can. Just this once for my own wedding, I'd hope they could do the same for me for once. My fiance and I do plan to have a special elopement photo shoot on our honeymoon as a way to make it better. Bless him, but it's not the same.

How triggering is this? How can I get past it? I don't understand why they're not continuing to do it. Like that's kind of what I'm, I feel like her anger is misplaced almost. Yeah. It's like, is the husband saying,

because my sister doesn't want to do this, we're not going to do this. Like I can see a different scenario where the sister says it's really, uh, that's kind of expensive and it's kind of annoying to travel with kids. And the husband's like, well, hope you,

I hope you can be there. Right. Yeah, I agree. I think there maybe is some discharging. some displaced anger. It does sound like she feels very strongly. And if it's being called off, there's two people. It's got to be him that's saying, like, no, we're not doing this because my sister won't go. And I can, I can understand. I mean, whatever, it's between them, right? But obviously,

she wants to keep moving forward with it. Maybe she does feel like we can't do it without your sister there. So maybe she agrees if she's not coming that he'll be so sad. that it won't be worth it or it'll ruin the time for him or something like that. But I do think that's a very viable option. It's just to say we're doing this. We hope you could make it. If you can't, you know, we'll go out to dinner when we get home and, you know. Celebrate there.

Yeah. Celebrate there. I think that. So maybe that is a conversation you want to reopen with your fiancé is like, maybe we just do this anyway. And there is a chance. Like then you're almost forcing the sister to make the hard choice. Right.

That's what usually happens with the wedding. Right. Wedding isn't usually planned around someone who's, right, a person that's not the bride or the groom. Right. Now, she has to make the hard choice. Am I going to skip my brother's wedding instead of you guys making the choice? Do I want to get married without my sister? It's not like they have a child with a medical condition that can't travel or it does sound like I don't, you know, you never know what's going on with someone financially.

maybe the next best step is to, you know, kind of talk to them more directly and say, is there some extenuating circumstance that we're unaware of? Are you having financial difficulties? Or is it just like we're just choosing not to spend our money in this way? Which is also their right if they're choosing not to spend their money in that way. But that doesn't mean that you have to change your wedding because they're choosing not to spend their money in that way. Or if it's money thing and you want to help subsidize so that they can be there,

you know, or they say it's difficult. I would just like throw every, throw, throw in real and imaginary resources at them and see if that actually changes the, yeah, it sounds like she has some other resentments about the way she was treated at her wedding that's sort of going into this. But again, in these, a lot of these situations, I always find it odd that the person is mad at the sister and not at the person that they're marrying. I think it should be like, this is what we're doing. This is what we've just, it's not like some unkind thing.

Like if they, like I said, if they have a, you know, a sick child or somebody is unwell or they, you know, really don't have the money and just like literally can't make it work. That doesn't sound like that's the case. I can see why she's annoyed. And I can see why she's annoyed after not the sister not just like snapping one pick with her. I'm not saying every picture had to have her in it, but you could take one with her in it just to be nice and not use it. It's a click of a button. Yeah. And then there's this whole other thing that she's talking about, which is like this like child free existence, which I think she's also having these

feelings of like my, which I'm sure a lot of people who choose to be child free have, which is like, because I don't have kids, now I'm seen as the person that needs to accommodate to everyone else, whether that's in this kind of situation or, you know, I have to travel to see you all the time. Or I think we've gotten other emails about that. Or it's like I'm, it's assumed that because I don't have kids that it's so much easier for me to do everything. So I have to do more. I think that's real to an extent. I think she's globalizing it a bit much in this regard.

Like you're going to have plenty of trips that are not with his sister. You know, the ones that are with his sister or with his family, yeah, they're probably going to have to be. mindful of the fact that they have kids or you can try to plan some trips where they maybe opt out and maybe I think what happens with weddings is it brings everything kind of to a head. So the idea of now is a, it feels like now is a moment where we can potentially set the tone. We're going to do the thing. if you need to opt out because you have kids, that sucks, but you need to opt out. As opposed to you're not going to be able to make it.

So now we're going to change the entire thing, including like she's saying, this one event that is basically the one time that we get to run the show on this event. So I could see why this one feels like a big deal because it feels like it's really setting the tone for we're going to a comedy. everything around these kids, even our wedding day. So maybe this is where you need to kind of push back and say, if you can make it great, if not so sorry. Especially because she's like,

she and the fiance are doing a special elopement photo shoot on the honeymoon. That's kind of like a wedding. It's like you could just invite people to that. Call at your wedding. She could not come and do like a little thing with her. Like it doesn't seem, I would be triggered too if the person I was marrying was like, all right, we're not going to do that. Because instead of pushing back on the sister.

Yeah. Instead of saying, well, you know, it's, it's tough. My sister might not, you know, might not be able to come. Or do, or even if my fiance came to me and was like, do you, do we have any room in the budget to supplement their trip? Or, you know, could we fly with them and I can help them travel there? Right. Yeah. There's a lot of things that you can do.

But I think the underlying issue, and this is what comes up, I think for a lot of couples, with these extended family conflicts is like you're willing to upset me, but you're not willing to upset your sister. Or you're willing to upset me, but you're not willing to upset your mother or your father or your whomever. And that's what feels kind of difficult is like the fiancee was able to say to her, ah, so sorry, we can't do this wedding instead of saying to the sister, what's up?

Like how can we make this work? We really want you to be there. What do we have to do? And or I'm so sorry you can't make it. I feel like she's going to go home and argue with her fiancee now. I feel badly. Good. Do it before the what,

get all these important conversations out before the wedding. She seems to think he's a great guy. She says, bless him, he's willing to do a photo, a lot of photo shoot. I don't think he's doing enough. Or at least some more intensive pushback, which we didn't hear about or,

having the sister be part of strategizing how to make this work, or even if the sister's really putting her foot down and she really can't go, that she should be the one that's like, oh, I feel so terrible. We really can't go. How can we make it up to you? I want to do a dinner when you get back or something where everyone's kind of like, okay, this is what it is. And she can't come, but everyone feels kind of okay and resigned that it's not going to be ideal, but it's going to be okay or at least to figure out if there's something, maybe it really is

finances and she doesn't know how much money they have and she doesn't understand it. I mean, I'll speak from experience. One of our brothers didn't come to my wedding. It was like, it was in 2021 and it was still a little COVID-y and he was just like not comfortable traveling. And I didn't change the wedding because he couldn't come. We went to dinner with him in New York City when we were back. And like, I think if I had come to Mike and been like, we can't do the wedding because my brother doesn't feel comfortable traveling, I think that would be like a little, it would be like an argument we would have. And I don't think that would be the right move. I think that like, again, that's why it's sort of up to the person that's in the family in question to sort of set that boundary

with their own family members. Probably part of why this is bothering her. And maybe at her wedding, the husband wasn't like advocating for her at the sister's wedding. Her fiance was not advocating for her like, hey, let's do one with so-and-so in it, you know, or she's feeling a little left out or, you know, so there might be an underlying threat of her needing a little bit more of advocacy from her husband with his, from her fiance, I keep saying husband with his family. I don't think she's feeling that because she said, bless him for doing the, extra photo shoot thing.

So maybe this is a new thing you're thinking about. I do think this is triggering if everything she's saying where they do have big tech jobs with tons of money and they are doing other sorts of travel, this is pretty triggering. And the fact that she's having to change her entire venue for this one family is, yeah, quite triggering. Yeah, I give it a seven. I mean, because I'm not like the biggest on like these like huge elaborating. at crazy weddings. Maybe I'll give it like a six.

You know, looking back or like expecting everybody to come to wherever your wedding is, but having to change, like if she was just like, I'm not coming, this would be a lower score. I agree. If the sister was like, I don't think we can swing it. I think that would be annoying, but much lower. For her to say like, you can't do the wedding there is crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Well, keep us posted on and all of them. If you, we love the, uh, the follow-ups. We'll, we'll read them on the,

uh, subscription episode and, uh, catch up on us know if you still get married. Yeah. Yeah. Or if you did have a conversation or if you're like, no, you know, just how you feel about this feedback. Would love to hear from you. But I think for now, that's our time. Great work today.