Oversharing - How Do I Avoid Becoming My Parents?

Episode Date: December 6, 2022

What’s more relatable than having to deal with difficult parents? Jordana and Naomi start the week by revisiting their deepest parental fears from childhood. Then a listener writes in to ask how to deal with a father who refuses to consider the feelings of others, and a mother who often flies off the handle. How do you avoid turning into your own parents, and what’s the best approach to dealing with a difficult parent? Another emailer writes in with a Betchicist question about feeling jealous of your own sister’s happy relationship. Is it okay to feel envious of someone close to you even though you know you should be happy for them? Then a listener calls into the Oversharing hotline with some intention-setting about silencing negative self-talk and finding contentment in life. Finally, they dive into some Triggered submissions about getting shamed for a workplace affair, and another about delaying your own honeymoon. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. What's up?

How was your Thanksgiving? It was really nice. We had some family in. We hung out. We missed you. maybe one of these days you can come out to Texas for Thanksgiving. Yeah, I missed you guys too. It's like our family's in a weird state where everyone's kind of like in different places.

So it's hard to do those holidays together and being someone like in an apartment, I'm kind of like, part of me, it's like, oh, maybe like I'll host the New York one one day. Right. But I need to get a house first. Yeah. So that's the exciting thing about starting new traditions, you know, it's interesting to see when like your parents stop hosting and then you start hosting it's like totally new yeah i actually i really like it it's kind of nice you get to control the flow sort of

you know like you get to kind of control the guest list a little bit you control the food yes um and jeff does a lot of i am very thankful for him he does a lot of the cooking and he's a great host and he takes on a lot of that so it eases things up for me i do the pre-reviewed the prep, like the cleaning and the tidying and the preparing, and he does all the actual, most of the food stuff. So that's really nice. That sounds like what my role would be, unless the guests want to be served, a bag of chips. Yes. I will pop open those lays. I'll find a nice big bowl. From the bag. Yeah. And throw them in. I'm tired today, though, because the kids, it was their first day back. They had a full week off for Thanksgiving. And it reminded me, so they didn't sleep well, the two girls. So they were in

our room waking us up like several times from, I don't know, like 10.30 to 1230, just letting us know that they couldn't sleep. And it reminded me, and I don't know if you share this memory, but like my scariest moment of childhood was having a sleepover with friends and accidentally waking mom up. So our mom was an OBGYN and she, woke up in the middle of the night to do, you know, to deliver babies. So her sleep was very important. And my biggest fear was waking her up when I had friends over and her coming into my room with her bedhead and her little, and her nighty. Her like short little nighty and like her, you know, disheveled look and just screaming at me and my friends. I think if someone asked me,

what's your biggest fear as a child? It was that. Yeah, that was terrifying. I definitely shared that memory. Or she'd be like, even if you were, if she'd take like a nap in the middle of the day because she'd been working at night. And then she'd be like, if you were like walking on the stairs, like too heavy, if you were too heavy footed, she'd be like, who's moving? Who's that? Yeah, that was. Got moving. Totally. And this is, I don't know if you're young enough or old. enough, but we used to do, this isn't nice. I don't advise this, but we used to make prank phone calls, like back in the day when there was like one phone for the whole house. We used to call people

and do like little pranks, whatever it was. And then sometimes somebody would do like Star 69. Yeah. Star 69. Yes. I grew up in an age of Star 69. So people would Star 69 and then call back and it's like 11.30 at night and like this was like right when this was first a thing and then the whole house would ring and I just remember that feeling of panic of like oh my gosh she's coming in wasn't me wasn't me yeah that was uh those were fun time so yeah so last night when I was like in that mode of like I'm being woken up stop moving I definitely had and it actually relates to our one of our overshares, I think, about, you know, turning into your parents. But yeah, I had that moment of like, okay, I need to pause, react intentionally here, or I'm going to turn into my mother.

And scare everyone. Yes. I definitely had that fear. Also, it's funny, because I used to sleep in the bed with our mom for a long time. When I was a kid, I would get, like, scared and I would sleep in the bed with her. And, but she would be like, she was into me sleeping in the sleeping in the bed, but in the night, if I was like tossing and turning too much, she would also do that thing. We're like, stop moving. We're like, just like, see still. You can be here, but you must not move, don't breathe. At all. Yes. And sometimes when I'm, when I'm like in bed with Mike and I'm like, we're like, I'll try to like snuggle up to him in the morning and he'll be like, all right, but like, no moving. Like you're like, really? And I'm like, where have I heard that before?

Like, am I recreating? like recreating a certain kind of dynamic. I'm like, that's what my mother would say to me when like, it's supposed to be unconditional, like, love in the bed. And it was just very, yeah. And he's like, and I meant talking to. No moving and no speaking. Yes, he also is interested in no speaking as well.

If it's still sleeping. It's fair. So this little therapy session about your mother, can we save that for another time? Yeah. But we've got some good emails today. So I think we should just get right into them. If you want to send us an email, you can email oversharing at betches.com. Or if you want to leave a voice message, you can leave one at 646-363-6-2-9-4.

And thank you to everyone who's been writing really nice reviews. We read them all. I know you've been reading them too. And it's very nice to see the positive feedback. And it's nice to get your DMs about certain episodes that resonated with you or something that felt good. and very thankful for that. Now that Thanksgiving is over,

still maintain the gratitude for just like the response this show is getting. So if you feel inclined, definitely leave us a review on Apple or Spotify, and you know we will read it. Yeah, leaving a positive review is really just such a selfless act. Like you get nothing out of that. It's really kind. You know, it's like you're not being entered into a contest.

You're not going to win tickets. You're just throwing some good energy out into the world. So I appreciate it too. I know. And, you know, on the flip side of that, we have something bad to say. Keep it to yourself. Very selfish act. No, I'm just kidding. Well, we welcome all reviews and, you know, always are into constructive feedback if given nicely. Let's get into our first email. I'll read it. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I love the pot and I feel like I've found relatable pieces in everyone so far. So thank you. I recently moved back to the city I was born in with my now-fiancee after living in Toronto for about six years.

Part of the decision to move home was to be closer to my family for when we start a family of our own one day. Both my mom and dad live nearby, but have been divorced since before I can remember. However, as we've begun planning our wedding and taking these next steps in life, I find myself super anxious about my parents' own behavior and worry that they've set me up for failure as a parent myself one day. The environment in our home growing up was filled with constant arguing, not communicating, tension with parents who refused to speak directly, so used my brother and I, an outburst of emotion almost daily. My fiance and I want to start trying for children after we get married,

and I just find myself terrified that I'm bound to turn into my mom, as they say. Or my dad, I truly don't know what idea is scarier. A recent example that comes to mind, my only full sibling, older brother, recently got married in Miami. my dad stormed out of the wedding because he felt insulted by the officiant directly after the ceremony, causing a big scene and swearing off my brother for life. He demanded every penny he paid for the wedding returned and refuses to speak to him to this day. He says he is dead to him and no longer has a son, even going so far as changing his will

and emailing me all the details about it. My brother, is this one of our siblings? I know. I feel like I need to take a moment here. Yeah, this all feels very familiar personally. And I'm sure to you too. My brother was really hurt that our dad left his wedding, but my dad seems unable to see anyone else's feelings but his own.

Since his feelings were hurt, that is all that matters to him. I have never heard him say he was sorry in my entire life. He could not take a word of criticism, but can be so cruel to others with his words without a second thought and is also very drastic, for example, cutting my brother out of his will instantly. On the opposite side, I struggled to have a real conversation with my mom about her getting extremely

angry or emotional. She was left by her second husband a few years ago and refuses to speak about much else. And if I so much as mentioned that maybe they didn't have a perfect marriage, as it's come out, there were numerous affairs happening throughout. She will absolutely fly off the rails, screaming, crying, and name calling. I've seen her hyperventilate numerous times, and my brothers and I have had to pick her up off the floor or out of the shower after a few bad episodes since this separation. Of course, I feel absolutely gutted that this has happened to her, but her behavior has become increasingly intense and uncontrolled since. As we've begun wedding planning, there have been numerous blowouts that always include her

storming out of my apartment crying, and calling me from downstairs five minutes later asking me to let her back in. The thought of us having a common collected conversation about our feelings feels like a truly impossible situation. I always chalked it up as us being a crazy family, but recently I started to take a step back and realize that this perpetually chaotic atmosphere has always stemmed directly from my mom and dad's inability to control their emotions. To make matters worse, it makes my fiancé uncomfortable as he comes from a mild-mannered family who rarely argued growing up, and he has voiced that to me my family is a lot, and he's quote unquote never seen anything like it. I can relate to that as well. As a result, I've grown up to be extremely anxious as well as anxiously attached to people, and I can't bring myself to accept that this is normal adult behavior from parents.

It scares me that I see pieces of them inside of me, overly emotional at times, super reactionary at others, and I worry that this is just who I am after all of those years of being shown this is how people react to life. Do you think that I am destined to become one of my parents? Is it possible to rid yourself of all the parenting styles you were taught for the first 30 years of your life? Is it even worth it to try and help them change at this point? How do I stop worrying that I'm going to make my own child an anxiety-ridden mess like myself? Any help at all would be greatly appreciated. Our wedding is in August, and I'm already extremely anxious about how it will pan out. Sincerely anxious betch to be.

She is going to be invited to the next family function. She's an honorary sister. We hear you. Did someone from our family? This could have been written by someone, at least from, because it's both parents, I think, from like my, one of the forgotten four. Yes. Yes. I was thinking the same thing.

We can totally relate. this is really tough. And I think your introspection is already way more than it sounds like what your parents have. So just that, just the fact that you're writing this email, just the fact that you're thinking about how to be different and how it's going to affect your children, which is something that it sounds like your parents have a hard time doing, you are way ahead of the game. because just having that insight and being aware of how your behavior is affecting your kids is a huge step. I do agree with that. I wonder why, given this whole email, which again, definitely understand what she's feeling and going through, why would she move back home? Move back home. Right. And it's funny because that's the kind of thing I feel like maybe I would have

done earlier in my life. Because you're like, you almost don't realize. And sometimes it also does help when you have someone else coming into the situation, looking at your family dynamic and being like, oh, this thing that you thought everyone did. No one else does that. Like that's weird. I totally agree.

I think that once you are partnered up and you're like kind of in someone else's family, it shines a huge spotlight on your own family as like not the way it works. This is not normal behavior. So I agree. I don't know. You know, I would move near his parents. I don't know what's up with his parents, but they sound a lot more stable.

I don't know where they are. Maybe they're all in that same place. But yeah, I agree. She says it, move back to the city I was born in. I guess she doesn't say where his family live. Because she wants to be closer to my family. Yeah. There must be some kind of a weird entanglement thing there.

So the other thing that came to mind, here aside from one, you're ahead of the game, two, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Yeah. So moving closer to them is not in that direction, but if that's where you're going to be, which I would reevaluate perhaps, and especially how close you are. But, and I don't think it's about, it doesn't sound though, if I'm, so again, this is part of a psychologist job, right?

This story sounds very familiar, but it's not my story. It's not our story. It's her story, right? So it sounds like her issue is not necessarily about a little bit about how to handle the wedding and maybe having everybody together, but it's more about her kids and how to not turn into the same type of parent and how to kind of control her emotions. So what I was going to say is like how to set boundaries with your parents and that is important, but I don't know if that's her big issue here. Right. Her issue is like repeating the patterns that she's learned onto her own kids. And like you said originally, I think having the awareness of just thinking about what kind of parent you want to be and relating that back to the way you were raised is a huge first step. Because so many people just blindly do whatever they were taught and they don't have any sort

of introspection. And they're kind of like, well, the way I do things is the best way because it's all I've ever seen and why wouldn't the way I would, why would I need to change? Right. So I think that's a huge first step. It's a fear that I've had as well. And I do think, I think going to therapy consistently and it doesn't say she's done that. But if you do come from a home where the dynamics are very unhealthy, let's say the least,

let's say, or not what you want what you want for your future, a huge part of that is like slowly sort of like learning the beliefs you had growing up and then understanding why they don't work for you anymore. maybe understanding why they helped you at the time. So she said she's very anxious and maybe she's very emotional, which she writes in her own email. So I think part of going to therapy and over time is learning sort of like what are the fundamental beliefs that I learned growing up? Are those still true? Is that actually true? What was I doing to survive this kind of chaotic childhood home? And what can I let go of and sort of like you said create you've said before like create new neural pathways new ways of doing things new new beliefs that you can reinforce over and over again totally yeah I think that's great and along those lines just sort of once you do that work once you do that

whole thing of kind of what did I need to do to survive why did I need to do this you weren't born with these things you know I mean there might be a little bit of it that's genetic but it got reinforced to your environment so you can kind of second guess those beliefs. And then I think a big part of it is like detaching your sense of self from your family of origin, that this is not what defines you. It's part of, you know, like you said, the kind of survival instinct that you had to have growing up and you can make a choice on how you want to move forward in terms of your sense of self. So you do not have to be defined by your upbringing, which I think is a big thing for a lot of people, especially as you start to become aware of it,

sometimes what happens is at first, then you start to feel like, oh, well, this is why I am the way I am because of my childhood. And then you can fall into kind of this like victimish mentality, which is part of the process, I think, is just kind of like maybe feeling angry or feeling sad or grieving the loss of the childhood you wanted or grieving the loss of the parents that you wanted and doing that whole process. But at some point then you have to kind of say, I'm not going to allow this to define me. I'm not going to allow this to turn me into, I get to choose my path and the way to choose, once you've done all the work like you're saying in therapy, you figured it all out, then at that point you just have to find the pause. Once you notice that you're like, that

survival instinct is being activated, find that pause, find your parenting intention, whatever it is and move forward in the direction of that new set of beliefs that you're saying you can find in therapy. So this is very doable. You just have to, you have to actually do it, which is what you're doing by first writing into the show. If you leave it alone, you probably will end up repeating patterns. And you probably will anyway. You know, she probably will have a, like I did last night where I was like, I felt that thing where after like the fourth wake up, I was like going to rage out of my bed in my nighty with my disheveled hair and like turn into a crazy person. And you have to kind of pause, breathe and like, you know, choose a different path in those moments where you find yourself getting activated.

Right. And I think another big step she's already taken to make her less so is she sounds like she's marrying someone who's pretty secure and pretty stable. And I think that's a huge thing because I think a lot of the time, if you come from chaos, You sort of like seek out something that's going to recreate that dynamic of like chaos loving drama inducing relationships. Especially if you're anxious, let's say, and you're picking someone who's a little more avoidant or someone who's a little, you know, likes the drama or feeds into the drama. I think that that's also going to define a huge way that you're kind of moving forward with your family. But it sounds like she's gone like the opposite route and picked someone who wants stability and wants calm and doesn't want too much drama. So I think that's probably going to help her also because it takes two to create a family dynamic. And she can kind of lean into that.

You know, the other thing that I thought would be helpful along those lines, when you're trying to change a behavior that's very ingrained, whether it's through environment or genetics. Sometimes it's good to have almost like a partner in that that can call you out, you know, that you trust enough to be able to say, hey, you know, how do you think I handled this? Or even for him to be able to come to you and say, you know, I think you kind of were overreacting there or you took that to a level that, you know, didn't have to. Do you want to talk about it? What was being triggered for you? Someone that can kind of keep you in check in terms of like that idea of coming out.

from your bubble of how you were raised and seeing that some things that it might just feel normal to be like screaming in the house. And he might be like, no, that's not normal and that's not okay. And we don't need to be screaming at each other. Like, we can say this calmly. And you might not even notice it because you were so wrapped up in that for so long. So I do think using the husband as kind of a, you know, someone who can help take your pulse and keep you in check and and you can go to to say, okay, we need to, this is a moment where I need to stop, breathe and reevaluate. Yeah, especially before you have kids because, you know, that's a great way to practice that. And for me, I mean, I went to therapy while being single to kind of learn

how to be in a healthy relationship because that wasn't something that I had seen growing up anywhere. And that was a big part of it. But then once I got into a relationship, that was almost more helpful to go through therapy with because I was prone to that, like, those like, dramatic kind of like reactions to things. And I could tell that I was pushing this person away with, you know, a dynamic that did not feel secure and comfortable to them. So a lot of it was like learning, again, through, through my partner, but also through, you know, the help of the therapist to be like, this is what I was feeling in that moment.

This is how I like communicated that, which was usually like an unhealthy way or, you know, not directly about like the emotion in hand and more about like the actual, you know, the symptom as you call it. Right. And learning how to say, okay, what was like, what was I actually feeling here? How can I relax and communicate that? That was like a huge thing for me, almost more, almost more important than getting into the relationship was learning how to like maintain it through really good communication.

Totally. And that's great. I mean, and for all those people out there that are. single and not wanting to be and this is your time to kind of work on some of this so you can get 80% there before you get into the relationship. So I do think it's really nice that you did all that work before you found your person and then you were able to just probably go the extra 20% or do whatever the last bit was once you had him and you were confronted with these things. So yeah, I think therapy would be good for this person.

Same. As someone with very similar family dynamics, this literally felt like I had written this myself. Totally. And totally. And just a couple more points before we wrap. If you do have issues with boundaries and you want to create some space because she is moving closer to them, which we don't quite understand why. But one thing that I think is helpful, because it sounds like there probably is some

perhaps mental illness here or the very least mood disorder or something like that going on. And I get the idea of you don't want to just abandon someone if they're struggling in that way. One of the things that I think is helpful is you can say, look, I really want a relationship with you. I want you to be at my wedding. I want to have a beautiful time. I want to enjoy our new marriage and one day children together. I think that you probably need some help in dealing with strong emotions. I'm not judging you for it. I love you. I'm here with you. I'll help you. Sounds like they probably could use some DBT, which is dialectical behavior therapy, which helps people learn how to deal with strong emotions. And then you can kind of say, hey,

if you're doing that and you're working on this, I'm happy to be a part of it. But if you're just going to continue doing these really outrageous behaviors and pulling me into your strong emotions, I can't really be a part of that. You know, almost like, I will, do anything to help you get better, but I will not do anything to help enable this behavior to continue kind of boundary. Yeah, that's a great way to go about it. I should try that. Like, if you're getting help, then great, we can kind of do this. And I'm not, the help can't come from me. I can't be the person. It has to be an external, professional person. And if you're working on this issue, great. Let's do this. I'm here to help you, almost like a substance abuse issue.

you know, substance addiction. I'm here to help you, but I'm not going to just continue to be wrapped up in your swirling, chaotic, you know, unhealthy mess. And I mean, when she's describing the dad that he doesn't sound like someone who would be super open to that, just given the way that she describes him, which sounds a lot like, you know, other people. Yeah, other people that I know. In which case, I think that's when the boundary needs to be drawn.

And it's also interesting she said the thing about the will and her brother's the wedding and taking back the money. And I think that a lot of the times if you get a certain kind of disorder, you're trying to like pit the children like against each other or like, you know, it seems like a loyalty play. But I do think they're strength in numbers. And it sounds like she has at least two brothers because she says me and my brothers. So I do think that would be an interesting conversation to have when you speak to them and, you know, how their experiences affect their relationship. but if they have a relationship that you admire or if you think that they're doing a good job. And that way I would sort of like,

and that's the benefit of siblings, especially for me having older siblings, it's like you get to see, you know, who seems like they have a healthy relationship. What can you observe there that you like that you can take away from or even how they deal with your own parents? If it's healthy or if it's not,

maybe you guys can discuss that together and come up with some sort of unified. Yes. Because sometimes it's like, this can happen where it's like, you seem like the problem if you're the only one saying that. Right. Well, then it's like, oh, well, then this child is just like ungrateful and crazy because

they're telling me how I need to act. But if it comes from all of the children, I feel like that's usually stronger. We've never really managed to unite in that way. Right. Do like an intervention kind of thing. Like, here's the DBT program. Right. It's lovely.

There's a swimming pool. Yeah. We need to unionize. they have yoga classes. Here's the, you know, here's the program. Just kind of saying, like, I want to help you, but I'm just, I'm not going to sit here and just be the victim of this. And we're all here together. And, you know, like, there used to be that show on TV intervention. You remember that? Yeah. I don't know if it's still on. I do. But it was, it gave people hope that, like, with numbers, like you're saying, strength in numbers, you can come to a person that's whether it's a substance

issue or an undiagnosed personality disorder or whatever it is and kind of be like, we want to help you. Let's do this together as a family. Like here's all the wonderful things that we'd like to experience together. But this has to start ASAP because we're not going to tolerate it anymore. So maybe we should try that. Yeah. I like that. All right. Well, I think that, you know, I've learned a lot from this email. Let's do a fetusist. All right. Sounds good. Do you want to read it? Yeah. Okay. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm writing in because I've been struggling to deal with familial jealousy and could use your help. For context, I'm 27 and in a comfortable but stagnant eight-month long-distance relationship with my partner. It's on its last legs and not really

going anywhere. My sister is 25 and living with her partner with whom she's been dating for three years. When they first started dating in 2020, I was living at home with my mom in between careers and getting over a breakup with my first boyfriend of three years who broke up with me in couples therapy. Awesome. I mean, I actually feel like if you're going to break up with someone doing it in couples therapy is like kind of the best way to do it personally. You're right in front of a therapist. Right. There's many worse ways to do it. Not to diminish the, I guess it could be like embarrassing, I guess. Maybe that's what's upsetting her. But yeah, I guess. My sister started bringing her partner around to meet the family that year. And needless to say, it was really

difficult time for me. While I felt happy for her that she found someone so loving, thoughtful, I couldn't help but feel pretty shitty about my own situation and wish that I was in her shoes. Also being the older sister, it was a bit annoying watching my younger sister get everything I wanted and once thought I had but lost. Fast forward a couple of years, I've come a long way and in a much better emotional place than in 2020, aren't we all? I'm loving my new career, my new apartment, and my new life in a fun city. Yesterday, my sister's boyfriend reached out and told me he's proposing to my sister in December. While I'm happy and excited for her, I'm worried that the wedding planning festivities will be triggering for me and bring out my jealousy and insecurities. My questions are,

1. How can I be okay with the fact that my younger sister has something I want well before I'm anywhere near having it? Am I a bad person for feeling this way? Two, how can I manage my own insecurities and jealousy in order to be the best sister and made of honor I can be for her? Three, any advice for being comfortable and confident with where you're at in life, even if you don't have everything you want. Thanks so much for your help and for being my go-to podcast, sincerely a salty sister. That's a good one. Yeah, I think this is common, more common than maybe people want to talk about because it's kind of taboo to be jealous of anybody you love, let alone your sister. Your sister, yeah.

I mean, I think with women especially and sisters, there is a sense of like, if the, older, if the younger sister gets married before the older sister, I think that can create a lot of mixed feelings or anyone who's, you know, like younger, you feel like surpassing you in any way of life. Let's say it could be her sister's career that was doing better than her career and she's older. There is a feeling, I think if you're an older person in the family, that you should be hitting the milestones before the younger people. So I think that adds another layer, especially if you already kind of feel bad about your romantic situation. Right. I think you can normalize. the jealousy, I think we can both kind of say this is not to beat yourself up for feeling this way.

I think it's kind of something that a lot of people probably experience. I mean, jealousy on sibling, amongst siblings, starts like before you're probably even conscious. So it's something that's going to continue. It used to be, you know, she gets to go on the carousel and I'm too little or whatever it is. Or I, you know, she still has her cute little baby teeth and I have my big, awkward, big kid teeth or, you know, whatever, the jealousy starts when you're little, so it doesn't go away, and this is just where it is right now. So one, I would just allow your jealousy to be moments of jealousy, you know, like we always talk about, just not defining yourself by the moments of your emotions. So if you feel jealous from time to time, that's just a moment of jealousy. It doesn't

mean you are overall jealous of your sister. It doesn't mean you are overall a jealous person. And you don't have to define yourself by that. It's just fleeting moments of feeling feelings. Right. I agree also like the labeling of it as part of who you are makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy where you now like believe that and then also feel worse as opposed to like exactly what you said where you're like, sometimes I feel a little jealous. Sometimes I'm excited for the wedding and sometimes I'm in the mood to like go all in for

this person. Right. Yep. I agree with that. And, you know, the other thing that was interesting when I was reading this, when I first, in the first couple sentences, it says, you know, she's 27. And, and, you know, the title of the email, she, you know, talks about familial jealousy. And then she writes, she's 27. So I thought that it was going to be like a situation where she was like the younger one. That she would, no, the reverse. Oh, that she, oh, okay. I thought. I thought she was going to be the younger sister who had an older sister who was like jealous of her for being like younger. You know, so 27. My point is very young. 27 is very young. You are not like out of your prime. You were probably like right in it and you have.

25 is very, very young. Very, very young. So everything's relative. And I think any of those feelings that you have were, you know, you write any advice for being comfortable and confident with where you're at. in your life even if you don't have everything, which is you're so young and this is all just a journey. Because the other thing that I was thinking, which a lot of people do, and I don't know if her particular sister is like this, but we all know somebody, many, many people who, even if they're, they get the boyfriend, they're only going to be content with the boyfriend for a

period of time before now they are looking for the next thing that's going to be filling their mind and stressing them out and making them want to move to the next thing. So just because if what she feels is my sister is so happy and content and her life is so perfect, that's only because her sister is choosing to be happy and content and perfect. Because what her sister could be doing, which is what a lot of people do is as soon as you get the boyfriend, now you're reaching for the engagement. Then you get the engagement. Then you're reaching for the house. Then you get the house. Then you're reaching for the baby and you keep on moving and your inner state of mind, no matter what the external situation is, might not be peaceful even though it's on the outside. You have everything that someone could ever want.

So ultimately, I think that, you know, she can choose to look at all the external stuff that her sister has, which her sister could have and be miserable, stressed out about some other thing. or she can choose to say, I get to choose my own reality, whether I have found my person or I'm getting married or not. Yeah. I think that's very good advice. Another thing I would say is that sometimes this feeling can be good for you because, you know, she writes herself, I'm in a kind of like stalled, dead end relationship that's on his last legs, right? So she's comparing the two things pretty directly.

And the only, I think, humans are social creatures. So why is it beneficial for us to compare ourselves to others, compare our life to others? Sometimes it's not useful at all, but sometimes it is useful for saying, okay, here's a little wake-up call. My sister, again, fine, my younger sister has found someone that she really feels really connected with. She's moving forward in life. I'm kind of like stuck in this dead end thing.

maybe this is now sort of a good motivation for me to end things in this thing that's sort of half on, half off that I'm not really enjoying that much. If you're describing your relationship is on its last legs and what else that she? Stagnant. Yeah. Stagnant. Yeah. Right. Sometimes this can be a helpful thing. Like, you know, you ever, and this happens a lot, I think, in companies where someone leaves the company and gets a new job. And then everyone else is like, first you're probably hit with like, oh, like this person that must have like must be doing better than me. They found a better job with like more money or more whatever. And then in their mind, they're like that causes them to evaluate if they like the job or if they like their situation and move propels them forward, if everyone was always staying in the

same place, you might not move as as swiftly or you might not take control of your own life, maybe as much as you could when you're faced with seeing something that is working a little better than what you're doing. So I wouldn't ignore that feeling. I think that's a great point. I totally agree. I think it's a great point. And maybe that can help her with this idea of how do I be a good maid of honor and how do I be a good sister during this time? Maybe kind of flipping the script and saying, I can learn something from my sister. Just because we're two years apart doesn't mean that, you know, I always have to be the wise one who has all the answers and has, does all the right things. Like I can look to her to say, what, you found a really good guy, you're inspiring me to do the same thing, thank you. I appreciate

that. Like, I love you for it. And I'm happy, and that might help her feel more of those genuine feelings of happiness. If she can turn it into, like, thank you for giving me this wake-up call that I need to move on from this relationship and find someone that is similar to the person that you found. It's interesting. It's almost like it's easier to do it. Two years in your life is nothing or however, I don't know how much older she is in the sister. Yeah, 27, 25. Two years is nothing. So, like, sometimes you have to rewrite the script of like, this would be easier if she was like, I have a sister who's 29. She found an amazing guy. I really look up to her. I look up to her relationship. Like, you know, it's really nice that she found someone and inspired me to like end

my relationship and find someone as great as her person. Somehow that feels a little bit better than when it's like the younger sister, but really it's irrelevant. You know, 100%. I mean, it's very hard to not get caught in this thing of like life is a race. And it has to happen for me in this time frame. It's funny when you zoom out of your life. Like if you think then this has helped me again because I also get very focused on the timeline and where I am in comparison to others.

And I feel bad about myself and my situation when I don't feel like it's moving at the speed that I wanted to move or when other people have things before me. That's definitely a huge thing that I personally struggle with. And in those moments, it is helpful for me to zoom out of my life and try to look at, like, I'm trying to imagine myself at like 60 years old. And I'm like, when I look back at, you know, my 30 is when I'm 60 years old and I'm, am I going to think, like, if only I had had kids like at 30, you know, at 31 instead of 34, like my life would, you know, my life would be so much better or that would make any difference

in the rest of the trajectory of my life. And I would imagine that it wouldn't. I guess it's possible theoretically, but I can't really visualize why that would be. Right. So not, I just don't, yeah. Yeah, agree.

So what does help me to kind of like zoom out, because when you're in it, you're like, okay, like you said, the comparison of 25 and 27, two years, I'm older and this feels bad. But when you think about your life as a whole,

like a meta version of it, I think it does help to do that because you do realize that, one day it's not going to matter. One day it's not going to care. And I think about getting engaged or getting married and the way I thought about that, the way I think about kids. And now I look back and I'm like,

I don't even remember who got married in what order of my friends. Like it doesn't matter. I don't care. That was much more recent than the year I'm imagining, which is me, you know, as a 60, 70 year old person. So it does help to give you some perspective. I love that idea. And it works for other things too.

Like, you know, sometimes just feeling Jeff the other day, he woke up and his back hurt and he'll say something like, I'm so old. And I'm like, if you zoom out like you're saying and you picture yourself when you're like 75 years old and you're like really old, you're going to wish that you woke up in this like, you know, 40 something year old body and that you were going to the gym and lifting like, you know, 70 pound dumbbells or whatever he does. Like you're going to be wishing that you. So that idea of zooming out and looking at this moment in your life as part of the big picture is helpful. Yeah. It definitely helps me to like pause and do that. I mean, obviously, and again, I think what you said in the beginning is great. It's okay to feel a moment of jealousy here and there. That's completely normal.

And to get rid of that would almost be, you almost like wouldn't believe someone. Right. Like if someone wrote in and they were like, I don't care at all. Like my younger sister, you know, it's had a great relationship. My relationship kind of sucks. but like she's doing, you'd be like, that's bullshit.

Like this is a real normal emotion. It'd be weirder if she didn't feel that way. You can feel a little bad about it. And then like, and other times you'll pivot and you'll be like, well, I'm excited to plan the Bachelorette party

and I'm excited to do all the fun things that come along with this. So I think, like you said, moments are not real. Don't believe every thought you have. Don't make it your personality. And that should be very helpful.

All right. I like that one. We have an intention. We have an intentions voicemail. So we're going to play that for us in the audience. And I have to say I've gotten a lot of positive feedback. The intention segment was your brainchild. And we've gotten many more since our first one. People really seem to love this intentions thing. So keep sending them in and keep letting us know any, again, constructive feedback, anything you like or don't like. Let's see. listen to the voicemail. You ready? Let's do it. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I am a huge fan and just wanted to call in to ask for a little help with setting an intention. So I am actually in school right now to become a mental health therapist and I'm learning so much about my history, my family, you know, coming from a lot of emotional shutdownness and learning a lot about how that impacts my attachment and relationship patterns right now. So I'm a year and a half into a relationship with my boyfriend, and I'm just feeling so in my head about the relationship, analyzing everything he says or does and just have a hypervigilant

about every little thing. And some of the fears that I have are that, you know, it feels like he's cheating or doesn't even like me, even though there's zero evidence of that actually being. true. I'm afraid that if I share what I'm thinking with him, he's going to realize that I'm not perfect, that I'm, you know, just realize how messed up and anxious I actually am. And I'm afraid he thinks that I am not worth the trouble being in a relationship if he were to know everything that I'm thinking. And you know, I have insight that these thoughts are wrong, but I just, I don't know what to do with them. So, yeah, some of my goals for this intention would be to stop bullying myself with these

thoughts and to foster calm, foster contentment in my life and really just feel happier and more at peace. So thank you again for all that you do. Love the show and help you hear from me. It's a good one. Yeah, what a great voicemail. I feel like she really did a great job of summarizing her situation and laying out all of her pattern thoughts and fears. I know that you've been in this situation where you can kind of relate to kind of being in your head a bunch in a relationship or like, yeah, you know, over-analysing little bits. For sure. Yeah, this feels very relatable to me. I definitely used to do this, especially, I think, before, you know, in an earlier stage of the relationship,

that was basically all I did was just like kind of analyze every single thing to see if I could feel safe, if I could feel like secure, but constantly probably feeling anxious over any perceived potential slight, real or not real. Right. Yeah, that fear of the shutdown. She talks about her family, you know, having a lot of emotional shutdown. So she's probably afraid of that and afraid that's going to happen with this person. I think a lot of times what happens is, you know, she is in school to be a therapist.

She's digging into her own stuff seemingly for the first time. And it can make you feel a little damaged almost or like, get that perception of like I come from there's you know all these things about how I was raised and all these ways of that I was affected and attachment styles and yes like I just have so much baggage like how is anyone going to deal with all this but here's a clue most of us have a good amount of baggage you're not the only person in the world and if he's going to wait to find someone who doesn't have any you know family stuff he's going to not find anyone really for a long time. So, you know, the big piece that comes to mind to me for this

is, so there's the intention, right, that we're working on, which I think has to be something along the lines of accepting herself, loving herself, loving all of herself, the parts of herself, the moments like we talked about. It's not, doesn't have to be defining, but loving and accepting the moments of herself where she feels anxious. And she, you know, that's really all that, you know, that's really her big issue. She analyzes everything. She's hypervigilant. Sounds like anxiety or she has moments of anxiety. So instead of defining yourself by it, realizing that what it is is you have more moments of anxiety than what you'd like to have. And she's afraid that if her boyfriend sees that about her, he's not going to want to be with her anymore.

So the intention, I think, could be something along the lines of, I intend to love all of me and trust that my person will too. And the most actionable step, I think, to get there is to open up and be vulnerable with him. And that's the way that she can prove that to herself, that if he loves her, he will love all of her. And if he rejects her because of this, then he's not the right person for her. Right. But if she, like you said, loves and accepts all of herself, then she'll be okay. Yeah. I think, first of all, this is going to her not love it, her not accepting this part of herself is going to create sometimes I think what you've experienced, which is like, I don't, I'm not going to accept this. so I'm not going to communicate about it openly.

It's going to ooze out in some other unhealthy relationship dynamics, like asking questions, being suspicious, being jealous, you know, being controlling, all these other things that you're doing instead of sitting down with him and saying, hey, I'm in this program, I've been doing all this reflection. I realize that my parents were emotionally shut down. I'm fearful of that happening here. sometimes I get anxious.

Just really spilling the beans, seeing how he handles it. If you do that in a way that's like vulnerable and soft and not attacking and he doesn't like it. Lean into that? Yes. If he doesn't lean into that, he's not your person. And it's better that you find that out now than hiding this anxiety and hiding this hypervigilance and not telling him about it for. the duration of forever. I was going to say,

I kind of feel like I understand where she's like, the power move is to pretend that I'm perfect. The power move is to be like the dream girl, right? But then when you do that, it always comes out one way or another. It comes out whether it's, again, like a misinterpretation of a meaningless comment or like if you're like me and you drink too much

and then you get like standoffish and mean. So it always comes out. the question is like, do you want to be the one to control the way it comes out? Yes. That's the power move. Is controlling the way you communicate is the power move? And I remember after like I drink too much and then I'd react like poorly or I'd overreact to a comment or a perceived slight and ruin the night.

And then the next day, you know, we would talk about it. And or at least when it went well, like as I learned how to communicate, I would talk about it. say, if I could say, like, I'm sorry I did that. In my head, I'm over-analyzing what you're saying. I'm, when you, you know, didn't want to dance to that song in my head, I was, I felt rejected. Mm-hmm. Or something like that. And I understand that that's not what you meant to do. But like the way, you're the only one who control the way that you express it, but expressing it is 100% power move. Totally. This is ripe for all sorts of little bitty disconnections. you know, that she's afraid that he's cheating, afraid he doesn't even like her, you know, all these

things that there's a million different little moments of disconnection that she can find throughout their day where those things are going to be triggered. She's going to start a fight or she's going to get quiet and withdrawn or self-loathing or all these things that are just going to create a lot of disconnection that may end up being sort of the self-fulfilling prophecy where, yeah, maybe he's not, the relationship doesn't work out, because, because she's creating disconnection by not talking about what's really going on. So I think the actionable step here is to open up to him when you're not feeling activated about all of this. And I think some, an intention, you know, waking up every morning and telling

yourself, I intend to accept all parts of me and trust that my person will to. That's going to lead you to a place where you can feel comfortable talking to him. about it and you can feel comfortable with your imperfect self as we all are. Okay. All right. Thank you for sending you that in. All right. Let's play some trigger.

Let's do it. Okay. I'll read the first one. Hi, Jordan and Dr. Naomi, big fan of the podcast. Thanks for all that you do. I have a triggered scenario for you. The background. I recently ended an intense relationship with an old boss.

He's older and married with kids. It was extremely painful. I think we were in love. but I ultimately ended it as it doesn't align with my value system. I felt awful about myself and so much shame about it. So my triggered scenario. My best friend is the only one who knows about all of this. She knows how much I'm beating myself up, going to therapy,

trying to forgive myself, how confusing and painful it was. Yet the other night she hosted a dinner party and the topic of workplace cheating came up randomly. She not only participated in the convo, but passionately monologued what kind of person could do that, saying, that's so fucked up on both sides. It was an uncomfortably long conversation with everyone talking about how disgusting those people are. Should I be triggered? I obviously am not defending the behavior of right decisions, but I also think if

roles were reversed, I would have navigated it more compassionally. Hope to hear your thoughts, no longer the other woman. Yeah. This almost reminded me of like when somebody makes a social media post that's like they can get it all out without putting the person's name. Like when people, you know, disappoint you, just, you know. And you're like, oh, is that about me? Right. So I think that maybe this friend, I could see why she was triggered because it sounds like she went on a whole monologue about it.

Like maybe she's been like wanting the opportunity to tell her that she's disappointed and used it, used a terrible platform to do so. But I can't imagine that she wasn't aware that her friend was in the room and how she was going to feel about this. So, yeah, that seems totally crazy. I think this is very triggering, especially if this is like the only person that you've spoken about this, assuming that they're maybe not going to judge you or that if, I mean, especially if she hasn't said anything about judging her to her. Right. And then this comes out.

I think this is pretty high on the triggered scale. To me, like, it's very clearly warrants a conversation. Yes. And maybe the friend does need a little space to say, hey, I do have feelings about this. I am really disappointed in you. I've been trying to be non-judgmental because I love you, but yes, I do have moments where this makes me really angry and I feel really upset that someone that I value and love and trust was able to do this. And she may need to be able to tolerate hearing that so that this doesn't come out

and a monologue at a dinner party while she's sitting there like stewing. I could imagine, like, I could just feel like her heart racing and her blood pumping and just feeling like the definition of triggered in that moment. A hundred percent. Yeah. And I think like, if that's okay, if that's how her friend feels, I wouldn't blame someone for feeling that way. But obviously, you'd prefer they say it to you than to just say it aloud to the town square. It's almost like everything we've ever talked about, like you were just bullshitting me the whole time if this is the only time that her feelings around this are coming up. Right. It's very passive, aggressive way to express yourself to your friend. And I think if you come at it vulnerably,

and say like, oh, when you were talking about that dinner conversation, it made me think, made me feel like you don't even like me or you think I'm disgusting. And I know, you know, you're entitled to feel disappointed with me if that's how you feel, but I wish you would have said it to me just like directly a while ago so that we can have an actual conversation about it. I totally agree. And it might feel nice to kind of, you know, call her out almost on like, you know, she wanted to do it in this way where she probably felt like she would never have. have to really address her feelings. Like if she just threw it out there in a public that the girl wasn't going to stop her,

be like, well, you know that I did that. And so that's really rude. You know, so she almost put it out there in a way that she couldn't say anything back. It's almost like she wanted to say this, but she wanted to say it in a way that her friend was unable to respond. And also, that's a very popular opinion, right? So it's like she's going to get the support of all the other people at the dinner party. Right.

Most, I mean, I would imagine in most dinner parties that would be the popular opinion that cheating in the workplace, not good. Right. So it is kind of, again, like a little unfair to do it in that way. And then she also feels like she's even worse of a person because she has all these other people kind of chiming in agreement. Yeah. I feel bad. Yes, I give this a high rating. I don't know, maybe an eight.

Yeah, I do this an eight. It's annoying. All right. Well, let's do one more. Let's do one more. I'll read this. Dr. Dana and Dr. Naomi, I love your podcast. Thanks for sharing different perspectives and being a source of self-reflection and improvement.

I wanted to reach out because I was triggered by a conversation my fiance and I had recently. We were getting married in April. Overall, I try to go with the flow whenever possible, however, a girl has limits. My fiancé told me that his parents want to spend time with us after our wedding. This will mean our honeymoon will have to wait. I always imagine going on our honeymoon right after to rest and fully enjoy the moment. I express this desire to him, but he says because they are traveling from so far away, the Middle East, that we should push back our honeymoon.

His family can only come the week before the wedding due to a religious holiday, so more time before the wedding isn't an option. I understand his desire to be with his family, but this is our wedding slash honeymoon. If we push our honeymoon back, I will likely have to go back to work two days later due to the limited time I get off, which makes me feel even more triggered by this idea. I feel I have a right to stand for what I want and go against my accommodating nature. Should I be triggered, is there a compromise that I'm missing? Any insight or advice is appreciated sincerely the no longer chill betch. It's so funny because you think like, you know, when you get married, it often becomes like,

what is the primary family? What are we like? Whose needs are we like accommodating first? And This is immediate test of that. Right. Totally as soon as it's over. Yeah. I get where she's coming from. I think there is, I can understand how in her head she's sort of debating with herself of like,

I am pretty accommodating. Like, is it a big deal? Should I just let it go? Should I be starting something with the other hand of like, oh, like, why should I have to give up my plan for this other thing? Right. Like when it's my wedding or it's my, and that often accompanies like a lot of wedding discussions of like, yeah, this is my day. This is my wedding. It becomes very much like this is your one time to selfishly ask for everything. That's where the Bridezilla thing really comes into play. Totally. Yeah. I agree. I think around this time, because it's sort of that like my wedding, my rules thing, a lot of these little compromises end up feeling. and like you said, it probably ends up feeling symbolic for her. Like, am I being a pushover? Is this, do I need to start standing up to my in-laws? Is this going to become a pattern? If I give in on this,

will I have to give in on everything? I have a feeling that this is more of a symbolic thing than it is about the actual pushing back of the wedding. So I don't know that the idea that she needs to leave for her honeymoon, like the day after her wedding. I think that's a bit, I get it. Maybe it's something you want if it worked out great, but I think it's a bit like romanticized of like everyone's throwing rice and you're riding off in the carriage to your honeymoon and the sunset and like, you guys are out. They're coming from the Middle East. It's a long trip. I'm assuming that they're not going to be back for a while. If they want to spend a little bit more time, I personally, it's not like she's not going to get to go on her honeymoon. She's only going to have two days after her honeymoon,

it sounds like, to recover before she has to go back to work, which it's not like she has to go back the day she lands or something crazy. I see where she's coming from. I think it's symbolic of her conflict in terms of setting boundaries with her in-laws, but I don't think it's the biggest deal. Yeah, if they weren't coming from the Middle East, I would totally agree with her. But if they're getting on like a 15-hour plane flight that probably cause, I don't know how many people were talking, but like thousands of dollars and they're going to, you know, if they come once a year, the wedding, you know, I could see them wanting to spend a little bit more time before they get back on their plane and fly back. Yeah. I mean, the way you say, it makes a lot of sense. I'm kind of like, first I was like, she's doing all the compromising also in the other sense.

It's like they won't come in earlier because they have the holiday. So they're not compromising because the religion. And then they're not compromising because they live far away. And then she's sort of being made to like maneuver everything because they won't move in any other way. Right. Yeah. So the holiday thing is weird. Like I guess they could, they could probably, if there's any room for compromise,

maybe there's a little room. I don't know what holiday it is that you can't travel for an entire week or you can't, you know, come a few days before the holiday and celebrate the holiday when you get here. That seems like there might be a little wiggle room on the in-laws side there. Right. So I can see where in her mind she's like, well, I'm the one doing all of the moving and finessing. But I think it's one of those questions, I guess, of like, who feels the most strongly about the situation?

I think that's a big way to handle compromise a lot, at least for me in my relationship. It's like, who cares the most about this? Right. And then assuming they're being rational, like, who cares the most? Right. But then sometimes you get someone where you're like, I don't care that much about that many things. So I always end up being the one that like has to give in. Right. Which is also annoying. I don't know. This is a tricky one. Yeah. I would see if you could come up with a suggestion to create some wiggle room on the front end. And if that's not an option, I think it's triggering because it's not about when you leave for your honeymoon. I really don't, I don't believe. that that's, it's not like they're not going to get to go. They're going to go a few days later. Like, I don't, I find it hard to believe that that is really the big issue. I think it's this idea of I keep compromising and I don't want to keep doing that. So if that's what it is, then you have to address that on a bigger picture scale. I can't, I don't believe that it's just about the two-day delay. And here's the thing. The nice part about this is they do live in the Middle East. So that will be your

cap probably for the year. Yeah. Like it's not like it's his mom who lives next door and she wants, you know, she wants you guys to hang out for a few more days. And then you're also going for the holidays. And they're also going for she also wants to do this and that. Like if they live bar away, that's the only reason I think I do agree with you because it's like you're probably not going to have to do much more compromising because they don't,

there's not in your life as much. Right. Yes. And I think if she's feeling like she's to accommodating in general, I would address that in general. I think this would be, and I think in relationships, this is really nice. Like, you might go and spend a lot of money and buy your husband like a beautiful watch or whatever it is for your wedding day when what he might prefer is for you to just give him this thing with his family and not fight with him about it and like welcome them with open arms and like let it go. He'd probably

appreciate that a lot more than like an expensive watch to open up on the wedding day. So seeing these compromises is almost like an opportunity. to gift your partner some peace of mind is a nice way to look at it and, you know, when you're getting married or even throughout your relationship. So if it's, if you're feeling like you're giving in too much, let's address that. I don't think this two-day, you know, or whatever it is, delay, this delay is worth the fight. It's probably more of a bigger picture. Right. And then you give in on this and you can hold it over their head for, you know, Quite some time. So it's really, it's a win. Regardless.

You got that card in your pocket. Yeah. All right. Well, that's it. That's it for us for today. Thanks for listening, guys. Leave us a voicemail. Send us an email oversharingapeches.com. And we will see you next week. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales Pico and Rebecca Salz McHan. Editing by Vasselio Perez. Yes, booking by Alley Friedlander. Send your advice. emails to oversharing at betches.com, will leave us a voicemail at 646363-662-94. Betches.