Oversharing - How Do I Communicate My Boundaries With My In Laws?

Episode Date: June 16, 2026

To kick things off, Dr. Naomi and Jordana get into why keeping your space tidy is starting to feel less like a chore and more like a form of self-care—especially for busy parents. Then, they hear from a listener struggling to navigate boundaries with her in-laws… whom she’s somehow already seeing multiple times a week. This week’s Betchicist also dives into in-law dynamics, but from a different angle: a listener whose husband feels uncomfortable with her breastfeeding in front of her family. Later, they respond to a voicemail from a beginner tennis player who’s having trouble maintaining her composure in a competitive league. To wrap things up, they unpack two triggering scenarios: a “I knew it!”-style therapist who then avoids engaging with the listener’s trauma, and a neighbor whose connection to a listener’s father might be crossing a line. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

quick note before we get into the episode. Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your position or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How is it going?

How's life? I'm excited to see you. Everything's good. It's full-fledged summer here in Texas. So the kids are all home, all the time. You know, it's interesting that having older kids, a couple things we could talk about here. But like one thing that's interesting, having older kids is that I no longer like have to have them occupied in the summer because I could work and they could just be here, like entertaining themselves. So that's a blessing and a curse.

I don't have to like keep them in camps and pay for constant child care. but then I turn into this naggy. I leave just like lists of chores when I go into work. So I become like a naggy warden where I'm like, you know, constantly coming out during my breaks and like checking on whether they've walked the dogs and pulled the weeds and unloaded the dishwasher. So that's fun for them. Sounds like a blast. Sounds like a blast. And then there's another issue.

Do they do it? Yeah. I mean, we just started. So not really yet. But I'm giving them. giving them a couple days to warm up. I buy them the things they want. So, yeah.

That's payment. Yeah. And we do have like a little digital bank account, but usually it's spent before it gets into the digital bank account. You know, like. Right. You don't even have a chance. Yes.

Right. I saw something online about that with this guy who is like suggesting basically like not to pay your kids for like tasks that are for them. Like making your bed doesn't get you paid. but if you do like a household task, then you can get paid because it teaches them like about working for. Yeah, like some things I don't. Like walking the dogs,

you know my whole thing about the dogs. So I was like, you guys want dogs. It's your dog. It's your dog. Yeah. So that's for them. Yeah.

Like picking weeds and stuff like that, like that I'll pay them for because that's annoying. Well, they also probably don't really care if they don't care if there's weeds. Yeah. So like the extra thing is like things like things like that I'll pay them for. Unloading the dishwasher. That's like part of living in a house.

else. I don't really, I pay them for the stuff that's annoying extras, like organizing the Tupperware, right? Things that are like annoying tasks, stuff like that. But it's funny because as they get older and they're useful and they can do things like organizing the Tupperware, I'm kind of like, I'm going to save this for when we can, we can collectively organize the Tupperware. So I don't really just do, I don't almost take ownership over that. stuff anymore. Now it becomes like a we. We need to organize. And it's not even, you know, putting them to work like a farm. Yes. Like a farm. It really does become more like a, once they reach a certain age, like even when there's towels that need to be folded, I'm kind of like,

where is everybody? The towels need to be folded. Like it's not even my job anymore. So it's an interesting change. But I do have a lot of patients that have little kids. where they're not folding towels and they're not organizing Tupperware and they're not pulling weeds. They're very needy and they're not participating in these things. And I do when you're a full-time working parent, it can become very overwhelming to find time to fold laundry and, you know, have it organized kitchen and just clean and back. And tidy up, pick up toys. I mean, yours are little. They don't make messes yet. I mean, aside from spitting up on things. Yeah, but even I still feel like that there's still like spit it. It's also just like there's not as much. They still have like laundry that needs to be done. I mean, the nanny does a lot of that. But like there's a lot of other stuff. And it does feel like it's weird because like my free time is now like doing the chores that I wouldn't consider that my free time before. But now it's like, oh, I have like a couple hours. this weekend, I should like do the laundry.

Yeah, even with like babies, there's still unloading the dishwasher. And bottle washer. Yes. And just life, groceries and cleaning and vacuuming. And so I think a lot of people feel very overwhelmed with some, this feeling of like something's got to give at some point. especially if you're working long hours and you want to spend time with your actual kids and spend time with your partner and spend time on self-care and spend time with friends and have a hobby and exercise and meditate and, you know, I talk to people like something's got to give.

And to me, I think oftentimes the thing that's got to give is like tidiness or at least that's what I often suggest is like the first thing that you can let go of is tidiness because it's not like quality time with people you love and it's not taking care of your actual human body that's going to carry you through life and it's not taking care of your mental health like meditation or you know relaxation it's just keeping things tidy but I think people really struggle to let go of that like it means something about you or it's just really really hard to live in a space that doesn't feel neat and tidy and organized. I don't know. And I'm curious what your thoughts are. It doesn't, it feels almost like I'm this type of person or my

life is out of control or. Well, as a type B self-proclaimed disgusting, like, you know, my closet's always been. I'm more okay with it. But I also like, I agree with you. But I kind of think like the thing to go should vary based on the. individual. Like what gives them the most anxiety? What makes them feel like what what actually serves them the most? Like some people don't really like I like working out. I don't care that much about a super organized closet or laundry room or whatever it is. So yeah, I'm with you like the tidiness that'll get done when it gets done. But like other people might be like, yeah, I don't get that much joy from working out. I actually kind of find it.

to be like a drag. Maybe that's the thing that goes, that goes for them. Like I do think it's like a little bit like just person dependent on what, what brings them the most piece of, like I feel like much better version of myself when I've taken a walk or like on to the gym. And I think a lot of people feel like a much better version of themselves when their space is organized.

I'm not one of those people. So I'm like totally, if it was me and you, like I think we choose that. But I do think. it's more individual than that. So in other words, tidying is a form of self-care for people. I think so, or having layout in the same way working out is it's like,

I'm still doing work to make it happen. But the amount of like pleasure I get from having done it or being done with it is more important to me than other things. Yeah, I guess I never thought of it as like taking care of your space can feel like taking care of yourself. Like it usually thinks of like taking care of your body. feels like taking care of yourself. Taking care of your mind feels like taking care of,

like taking care of your actual physical mind and body feels like self-care. But I think it's an interesting perspective that maybe taking care of the space that you are occupying feels like taking care of yourself for some people. Some people feel like taking care of themselves is like, I have friends who are like, they need to put on like a nice outfit that they're like really proud of and dress really well and that makes them feel like a better version of themselves. That's not me. Like I don't, that's why like the first thing to go for me, the first thing to go for me is like constricting pants.

It is. I'm like, I'm like I, and some people would be like, oh, wow, like how could you live like that like every day and sweatpants every day and like workout clothes? Like, but that doesn't do it for me. So I can, that's the first thing that I like that is so true. When I'm like in a really good mood, or like I wake up and I feel like energized and just really great is the only time that I'll put on like a pair of pants. Yeah. Or like the first time like you're you're so right. The first thing to go if I wake up and I'm like tired or lethargic or I'm just like not feeling the day ahead of me like the first thing to go is like pants. Yeah.

It's going to be. I need to wear the most comfortable thing that I could possibly find no matter what it looks like. It's a really good perspective that I hadn't thought about as like your. space, taking care of your space does for some people feel like a form of self-care. I'm glad you brought that up. I will really take that with me because I just didn't realize that that could be a thing for some people where it feels more like your internal is more of what is going to affect the way that you feel. But I do, I can see that where it feels like, you know, the same way the weather might really affect people. I mean, that's not something you can control,

but you can control. Look, I like a tidy space. Don't get me wrong. On the hierarchy, the pyramid, for you specifically. If I can go up, a tidy space is great, but that's not going to be where I'm going to my go-to thing. But it is really hard, I think, for people to feel like they're just drowning and everything is equally important.

I think there are people where they're like, yeah, I like exercise and I like a tidy space. I need to feel like I like the body that I'm moving around in and I feel strong and I feel fit. And I also want a tidy house and I want to spend time with my kids and I want a connection with my partner. And I need to do well at work. And I need sleep. And, you know, it's like it's very, very challenging. It's like you have a partner can't have everything in a partner. Sometimes you need to do like, you know, what's a more important trait to me in a partner?

I can't have like every single thing. They're not perfect. But will I accept a partner who's a little bit less of this? Because there are a lot more of that. Like, because that matters more to me. The other thing is that I will say is the idea of spending time with your kids or like maximizing the most amount of time with your kids. And I get that.

I feel this very deeply for those who are parents. it's somehow, and it's because the passing of time and kids grow so fast and we love them so much and you don't want to miss a second, but it's okay, right? It's okay to have a week where you spend less time with them or a day where you only see them for a half an hour. It's not, you know, here's, we talked last week about, you know, about like someone giving you permission, like, this is me giving you permission that your kids are going to be okay if on a day you choose to work out and that means that you only get to see them for a kiss good night or you choose to it's important that you want to wake up to a clean kitchen and so your partner puts them

to bed so that you can wake up to the clean kitchen or whatever your priority is like they will be okay you will get to spend time the next time. And that was something that helped me with like what we're talking about last week with like the sleep training thing was that this other mom had said to me like you'll be a better mom when you're sleeping. Like so like you could do you could be the most attentive mom 24 hours a day, but you could be a more present engaged, better mood, energetic mom if you've had a full night's sleep. So it's like you could do you could do everything like mediocrely. Like you could have like a workout where you're kind of just like not really in it or like a house that you're like running after every spill and every like thing and every like but like I think something will have to give. So it's like I do think it's better to do fewer things better. And like maybe the kid that you could go to the gym and then you only see your kid for half an hour.

But when you're there for the half an hour, you're like engaged and playing and loving it as opposed to being with them for like two. two hours and just feeling like so wiped out. I agree. But I want to validate the challenge, the struggle. It is really hard to feel like you're never not enough of anything. And I, you know, talk a lot about kind of this untethered soul concept of like watching that voice in your head, stepping back behind and listening to that internal dialogue, which is often this running trance, this tape of not being enough. This I'm not enough. I'm never enough.

So just stepping back and being aware. And this doesn't just go for parents. This is for everybody. I think we often have this internal dialogue that we are not enough. So just stepping back and watching that, being, you know, the observer of that trance of not enough and stopping your. and creating a pause and saying, you know, you are enough. Your house is tidy enough.

You are fit enough. You are present. You are spending enough time. You are good enough at your job, like reminding yourself that you are enough. Because I think sometimes it can just feel like we just run around all day feeling like we're not enough at anything. So I am here to remind you. You are enough.

You are enough. You are enough for everybody. your partner, your parents, your siblings, your friends. It's exhausting trying to be enough for everybody. So take a step back. One thing at a time, you got this. You've got it. Let this be a reminder.

Yeah. On a Tuesday morning. Yeah. Okay. Let's get into our show. We have a voicemail this episode. If you want to leave a voicemail, you can call 646363-6294. Or you can email us at oversharing at betches.com.

As always, if you'd like to subscribe to this podcast, you get two. bonus episodes a month and you get all the episodes ad free and one day early or if you want to get even deeper involved in this kind of vibe and energy we've got, you can join one of Dr. Naomi's therapy groups. Yes, come find me, Naomi Bernstein.com. You can join our beautiful therapy community that also gives you just access to me. Everyone who's in my groups, as you know, I say at the end of every session, please reach out. They have direct access to me.

I always, I really genuinely love to hear from all my patients. It's kind of, I don't know, I just, I wonder about them. I love hearing from them. So you get access to me if you ever need like a kind of spot individual session, something's happening. Once you're in, you're kind of in, you're in the, you're in the circle. And I really do. I just am very lucky.

my patients in my community, my individual patients, I really, I care so much. I think about everybody and it's just a great, a great community. So come join us. I'm here for you. And it's just a great place to kind of challenge yourself, lots of growth exercises. If you're looking to push yourself, why can't I just be at peace with where I'm at? I'll help, you know, help each other kind of figure that out, how to find peace, how to dissolve the ego a little bit and kind of relax into the life that you have. Plus just

really finding support and connection. So come find us, Naomi Bernstein.com. All right. I will read our first email. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. Love you, sisters, now diving right in. My husband of five years and I are very lucky to live near your family. We have two toddlers and a third baby on the way. Their support is what makes our growing family possible. I'm so grateful for this. Specifically, the family close by is my husband's, so I feel weird breaking their old family norms and want your advice. We see as parents and brother two to four times a week. They watch our kids two days weekly and then there's always another dinner, holiday activity or events which gets everyone together. Sometimes the marathon hangs are too much for me.

If we're hosting a midweek dinner, I want to be able to fold laundry or unwind by the time we get the kids to sleep and not sit around and talk more after. Since we see each other so frequently, I don't think such lengthy catch-ups are needed. Most recently, we were making birthday dinner plans for grandma, and I asked my husband if we could do cake at the restaurant instead of going back to their house for dessert afterwards. He seemed to think this was rude. But what about singing happy birthday? We can do that at the restaurant, or does grandma need a full chorus to sing for her? My goal was to celebrate in a two-hour time frame and one location instead of four hours and two locations. Logistics with a three and one-year-old can make me less laid back.

I know. I try to push my husband to do more solo things with our kids and his family, but he doesn't, unless I plan it. Then it's obvious I'm choosing to miss the gathering. How can I cut visits shorter without seeming rude? Is it okay to modify family norms of a family that you come into as an outsider? Thanks. 5K or not marathoner. She is a sweetie.

You are a real sweetie. I think you can just say, hey, I'm going to head home. I'm leaving one kid with you. I'm going to take the other one. Yeah, something of that nature. Either I'm going to take the little one home, put this one to bed, would love to, you know, sing happy birthday here. If that's an option, if not, happy birthday.

I think you're a sweetheart. You're trying to do the best you can, you have two kids, a third on the way. I think it's okay to set some boundaries. We were just talking about this, right? I don't need to spend six hours celebrating your grandma's birthday on like a weekend. I could see that. Yeah.

Yes. It's a lot of time. And I do think that that is part of getting married as you, the family dynamic is going to change when you have, you know, two small kids. I'm just surprised it hasn't happened. I think usually this happens where it's like, okay, I have to get the kids to bed at a certain time.

Like I remember being. Use them. Yes. Yes. Yes. I remember being before I had kids and we would go for a hang. And I have like a certain social battery that runs out at a time. And I remember there was a mom there that had little kids.

And she would at a certain point at the hang, she would like take her kids and go upstairs to put her kids to bed. And I remember being a little jealous. like she got to like just exit the hang at a certain point and she was done and she went upstairs and then she never came back and that was like that was her out and she was done for the night and I remember being like wow that sounds nice. That's true. There's a lot of hardships that come with having kids.

This is one of the benefits is that they're even they're a blanket excuse even if they don't really need much. I think it's like a great way to exit. I think Mike and I both do this with. each other's families. Like, if we kind of need a little break, I'm going to go take the, the baby seems upset. I'm going to go take a little walk with her. Or like, you know, I'll change the diaper. You stay here. Don't worry. So I definitely think it's reasonable. And you're entitled to want some alone time after the kids go to sleep. You're entitled to want to just sit and like

listen to a podcast and fold your laundry and. Yeah. Honestly, even if she didn't have kids. I think you are entitled to that. I think it's like not everyone likes hanging out in the same way. Some families like, I think our family is very much like we're going to go to dinner. We do like, we're into more into like more shorter hangs or at least we were when everyone lived in the same state. And I think other people are like we're going to, I do like Christmas at mics and it's like Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. It's like a 48 hour thing. Sometimes you need a little break. Like I need to go for a little walk by myself. I need to go like, but those are like, I. holiday where I know that's happening, so it's fine. But I wouldn't be able to do that every week. So I think she should give herself permission, as we've said, to not go to the whole thing. And I get what she's saying. I think you don't want to feel like you're using them. Like when it's convenient for you, they come over and they spend all day because they're watching your kids. And so it's okay. And then when you don't want it or when you don't need it, you're leaving early. So I get what you're saying, but I do think you can set a reasonable boundary of like two hours for a family hang when you're, it's not like you haven't seen them in six months.

I think two hours for a weekly family hang, giving you permission is enough time to say either I'm going to take one kid or even that might, you said you want him to do more things alone with the kids. I think it's very reasonable to be like, hey, I'm kind of. I'm kind of tired. I'm going to go home. I just want to relax a little bit. Why don't you and the kids go back to your grandma's house and I'll see you later. And if he's not okay with that plan, I think it's because he doesn't want to watch the kids. So like he can go home with you then. Right. With the kids. I would like push him to be like, this is what I can give and this is what I can't give. Your option is to like also come back with me or stay with the kids. There's a lot of options. You're saying I'll take one. maybe you'll even take two. Maybe you'll take both if he wants to stay. He can go back to grandma. So you're giving him all of the options that don't involve you staying.

He can stay alone. He can stay with one kid. He can stay with both kids. You're giving him sounds like lots of options all other than you staying longer than two hours. So I think that's pretty reasonable. And it is going to change their family dynamic a little bit. I know there's situations here where this isn't hers, but some of the, well, the other sister-in-law, daughter-in-law stays and I don't, that's okay. There's something you're

prioritizing here for yourself, whether it's rest or quiet or you just don't feel like socializing for that long. It is different when you're hanging out with your family of origin sometimes when you're hanging out with your in-laws. There's just a different level of comfort in some ways where you just don't feel quite as completely yourself, completely relaxed. You feel like you have to make conversation or say the right thing or make a good impression still. And that's okay. And I'm glad you're writing in.

I really want you to feel okay with setting a boundary here, letting him know ahead of time, hey, after dinner, I'm going home. I'm open to any of the above options if you want to come or not or whatever. And I don't even, she writes, is it okay to modify family norms of a family that you're not in, that you come into as an outsider? I don't think you need to modify whatever they're doing. They can hang out marathon style like all they want. I wouldn't come in and be like, you guys need to stop hanging out all day. You guys need to just do two hours. Like if they want to hang out all day, that's fine. The norms don't need to be modified. Your actions can be modified. Just modify your own self. Yeah. And what it involves, which is a little annoying, we do this often is like you have to just take two separate cars, slightly. irritating. It's not ideal, but like take two separate cars. I'm going to leave. I'll see you later. Yeah, I'm with her. I wouldn't go back to grandma's house. I'm going home after the dinner. I kind of agree with that too. And that is going to be a change. And your husband's probably not going to love it at first. He doesn't want to take two separate cars. He wants the kids there,

but he doesn't want to have to deal with them alone, I think is probably part of what needs to change. That's on him. Write us back. Let us know how this goes. once you kind of set that boundary. And it doesn't have to be every time either. It can be like when you don't feel like it, when you do feel like it. But every now and then I would throw in, you know,

especially because it does sound like you spend a lot. I wouldn't do this if it's like you only see grandma on her birthday or that's the only time you ever hang out with them, then maybe, yeah, you want to do the full hang. But if you're seeing them three to four times a week, that's a lot. You don't need to do this.

it's not necessary. Permission granted. I wouldn't make anyone do that if it was me if I was the husband. This is a thing, right? This is one of the harder parts I think of joining families is there are these family norms and maybe sister-in-law or whomever just kind of joined in. It is hard to be the first one to say, I'm not doing that. You know, it's hard. Every time.

Right. It's hard to do it. But it's just because he doesn't like it. You don't like it and you're doing it. And you haven't liked it and you still keep doing it. So he's going to have to not like it and do it anyway. Just like you've not liked it and done it anyway. Let's do a bedgesist.

Hi, Jordana and Naomi. Love the podcast. Here's my question. I just had a baby a few months ago and I'm exclusively breastfeeding the baby. No pumps, no bottles. I love the experience and have no problem with it. If I'm out and about, I discreetly breastfeed. For example, at the nail.

salon, the park, a baby class, a restaurant with family, et cetera. However, if I'm with my husband's family, he feels very strongly that I either wear some kind of shawl blanket over my baby or go into a private room. I hate this. I'm not embarrassed by breastfeeding and I don't like to leave the room because I have other kids and I like to be with them, keep my eye on them. Sometimes I'm in the middle of something like sitting with them while they ate lunch, etc. We spend a good amount of time with my husband's family, so this isn't a random issue I run into. I breastfeed relatively openly otherwise, while using my judgment, of course. I don't go out of my way to do it in front of people and try to be a bit private where appropriate. What should I do? I know the PC answer is that I'm

feeding my baby and I can do it wherever I want, but I also don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I don't love wearing one of those feeding blankets as it feels weird to put something over my baby while eating. Also, a breastfed baby sometimes eats every hour so it can be annoying to keep hiding away. Thoughts? I agree like the PC answers like you should be able to do whatever you want, whenever you want. It's not sexual. You're breastfeeding your baby. I can also understand it might feel a little weird to have your wife's breast out in front of your parents. And maybe she's comfortable with it, but I validate that if he's uncomfortable with it, it's not that weird. She covers herself sometimes, she said when appropriate. I could understand the feeling of like,

is this, I don't want to do it. I don't want to cover myself out of the principle of the matter. It's annoying me that your parents are uncomfortable and I'm kind of like fighting the fight. Or is it really what she's saying? Like, I feel like my baby can't breathe when they're covered or I don't like this idea of covering. My feeling is that it's probably the former. of like it's annoying me that they're annoyed. I wish they would just come to the side of like, this is natural. This is how babies feed. And you should just get on my team and deal with it.

I don't think that there's going to anything's going to happen to the baby. If you throw a little, you know, muslin blanket or just a little something, sheer, breathable something just so that your actual breast isn't showing. It'll make him feel more comfortable. It'll make them feel more comfortable. I think the issue is that she's like annoyed that they are. Well, they didn't even say anything. It's her husband that's saying it.

Yeah, or she's annoyed that he's tweaked by it, which I get. I get that she's kind of like, why does this bother you? Yeah. I mean, it's funny. I've had like similar, not like the same, but like a sort of similar feeling as I've have been breastfeeding, like around where it feels comfortable to cover up or not cover up,

like even like around the nanny or around like if I'm having dinner. Like even Mike was like, are we just doing this like at the dinner table? I'm like, yeah, this is my house. But if his parents were over, I'm kind of like, I don't really want your like dad to like casually. sit around a table while my boob is out. Like I don't, that doesn't make me feel good. If I really wanted to, do I think I should be able to?

Yes. But like, do I really want to? It's kind of like like like. And like I get, I'm not, I guess maybe it's a little different for her because she said she's exclusively breastfeeding, no pumps, no anything. So like this is in every meal that this child is getting. Yes. You're almost like the child is an like you're almost like an extension of your boobs.

So I think that does. I might feel. differently about the in-laws, maybe if I were doing it around the clock. But I agree. I think that it's okay to be a little, it doesn't make him like a anti-feminist monster to be, to feel a little weird about it. I can understand why someone would feel that way. And I can understand why she kind of like is like, I wish no one cared.

But that's kind of not where the world that we're living in. Yes. Yeah. Yes. I could see that it tweaks her, that she wishes that he was on the same page with her of like, this is just how this baby eats. So like get over it.

I would try to make it a little more of his problem. I'd be like, I understand what you want. These are the reasons why I don't like covering the thing. Can you help me find something that would make me feel like secure? Like let's find something together where we feel like the baby is breathing and like something. Let's invest in like a little top of the line breastfeeding cover. so we so everyone's happy here this is a compromise like any marital compromise i think and i get that

it maybe feels differently to you um so like a you know like a bigger issue like you said a feminist issue or something like it feels bigger than that but i think if you could just look at it as this is just a compromise like any other compromise you know it doesn't know like sometimes my mother-in-law will like elbow me if someone's like nursing like boob yeah i'm like all right relax like okay she's feeding her baby like i you know it's like i i i could see why it annoys her like it's kind of annoys me too when people are like drawing like making it a big deal you a spectacle right yeah if you weren't making it a big deal if you weren't staring at her it's not like alarms are going off over her head just don't look you know you

You know, if you weren't looking, like, avert your gaze and like you would never know, you know, it's not like, you know, you don't need to make a big thing of it. But I get why it's annoying her. I get the other side too. It's like, I don't need my dad seeing your nipple. If it like falls out and you're putting it back in, like, I see both sides of this. But look, I would look at it more of like, this is just a marital compromise. A great way to get out of going to dinner with them.

not in the mood. I think that's another part of the compromise. Like, okay, if I'm around them, I'll cover. Sometimes I'm just not going to come because I don't feel like leaving every hour to go do this. Yeah, that's also compromise. Yeah. And I used to have a cover thing that it is kind of annoying. It was like, it would like stick out a little bit to like give a little bit of space. And it's not the, you know, the easiest thing to wear. And it's kind of annoying. And I get it. I would compromise. I would just try. to, you know, wear it if you can. And if you don't want to, then don't, you know, make it more of like a compromise or you can just say, hey, I'm going to breastfeed the baby now if you'd like to look

away. I'm just letting you know. You can say that too. You know, I hear from people all the time about how we've gotten the emails from the wedding about how the kids are so prioritized and everyone's obsessed and life revolves around kids. Well, hey, the baby's hungry. I'm going to feed the baby. if you want to just like avert your gaze for a second, that's what's about to happen. That's another option if you really don't want to cover. You know, let them know. You know, you could try to compromise and cover up

and realize this doesn't mean he's a, like you said, an anti-feminist monster. He just doesn't want his parents looking at your breast and your nipple. And I don't think there's more to it than that. It's just a little uncomfy for him. Yeah. And again, I think that's like, oh, I can understand someone having that perspective.

Yeah, I'm sure if, if Jeff and I were over at your house and you were on the couch and you just like whipped out your breast with Jeff standing there, Mike probably wouldn't love that. I think he would, it would feel I wouldn't like, I mean, like, maybe it's I'm prude or something, but like I don't think

I would want to, I wouldn't feel like with a cover maybe, but not without one. I feel like it's just, yeah. And maybe that's my own issue. Yeah, to each, but again, to each, their own. She likes it. He doesn't. It's just a clash. No judgment on either. That's the problem, not the problem, but that's one of the hard parts about marriage. He's an individual. You're an

individual. And this is an issue where those two things are, you need to come to a compromise. I guess the truth is, it's your body. It's your nipple. It's your breast. So you really should be the one that gets to decide that. But sort of, right? You know, like, To what degree does your partner have a right to say whether his parents see your nipple or not? Right. The ultimate ethical question. Right. I would try to compromise on this one.

If you want a smooth marriage and you don't want this to continue to be an issue, throw a little blanket over it, a little sheer blanket. The baby will be fine. That's my token. Let's do some intentions. This one is a voicemail. Hey, Jordana, I'm Dr. Naomi. I have kind of a silly request for you guys.

I was hoping to get an intention on how to stay calm during adult tennis matches. To give you some context, I've been playing for past a couple of years. I'm definitely still a beginner, and I just started playing in my first league this year. I've played two matches so far, and I've lost them both pretty badly, which is fine. I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm hoping this is going to be a lifelong. sport and so I'm okay with losing here at the beginning, but these ladies are just so intense

and they get in my head. I just find myself getting really frustrated and not able to like ground myself and stay calm, which as an adult playing a sport is just kind of an odd thing, but I was just hoping that you could give me an intention for when I'm feeling myself get activated during these matches and just to stay calm and focus on the game. Thank you. Love you guys. I like this because I like, I did a tennis clinic last year and I kind of felt like the opposite. I felt like no one was taking the game seriously enough. Oh, okay. I wasn't even that good, but I was like, I kind of wanted it to be like a little more like competitive.

But like I think maybe it's because we didn't know each other that well. No, everyone was kind of like just forgot the score. Didn't care. That is interesting. like the social etiquette of like the level of competitiveness. Like I'd love to see almost like a social experiment because it's almost like it's so uncool to be like uber competitive in the wrong context. But it's also so uncool to be like terribly like to not care and be the worst in like a

competitive context. Like you have to find like that right, especially when you don't. know people that well. Yeah, I was always, it would always be weird because like the ball would hit like, I'd be like the only one who could see the ball on like the outline, but I'd feel weird being like, out, out. Because like, you know what I mean? I didn't want him to think that I was like, I wanted like, I don't want them to think I'm like trying to like make their ball out or like care that much if the ball is out. So I'm like, I'm like, oh, I think it was out. I'm not really sure. It's like I fucking know it was out. And I wanted to just say like it's out. That was my point.

Yes. It's like to meet the. parents like the Greg Falker volleyball scene is like the epitome of this where it's like, come on loser. Is that all you got? And then he jumps up and like smashes the girl in the face. And it's like, calm down. It's just a matter with you. It's only a game.

So yeah, finding the right. This isn't her question, but I do think it's interesting like social experiment to be like you, you want to care. and be competitive, but you don't want to look like you care too much. And it's very, yeah, it's very dependent. It's kind of like, that's why it's sometimes more fun to play with someone you're close with because you can just be your natural level of competitiveness and it's not as weird. Like if I was playing with you and I was like out, it wouldn't be like.

Right. Like calm down, loser. Like, right. Or like, I'm just trying to. That's the other thing. It's like, some people are just like, I'm just trying to like hit the ball and have fun. Right. I'm doing the best I can.

Anyway, for this listener. Okay. For this listener. So that's a side note. But I've definitely been there where I'm like, how competitive can I be here? So she's competitive. She kind of wants to do well and it's getting frustrating. Well, she's also saying I'm not that competitive, but everyone else is competitive.

And then it's making me feel like I need to be more competitive is sort of what I'm hearing. I don't know. Everyone else here is crazy. I'm hearing that she wants to win and she wants to do better. She's still, she's not where she wants to be and she's getting frustrated. that's what I hear. Like she's losing and she's trying not to like. Right.

Maybe she's talking to herself when she's like, I know it's like, I'm going to be, it's a long, you know, it's a long time and I'll have a lot of opportunities to be better. Like maybe that's her speaking to herself. Trying not to give up and being like,

I'm out of my league. I should just quit, which I get, you know, like I'm glad that you're pushing yourself. And it sounds like you're playing with women that are really good and that is going to make you better. And I could see the urge to kind of do

the thing we were like, oh my God, this is, I'm out of my league. Like, I got to just go play at Jordana's tennis club. Maybe that's your next step down. I, but I, so you're doing it and I could see it's kind of disheartening when you keep losing and you feel like balls are just whizzing by you or you keep tennis is very so hard. It's hard. It's frustrating. And sometimes like, I have never been great at it, but like you hit, I occasionally will hit these like skyballs that just go like out of the entire court and it's like so embarrassing. So like, yeah, I could see why you're getting frustrated. So I, I did, you know, I was an athlete all through high school and I played volleyball in college and I have had to do a lot of these mental tricks and now I have kids

that play sports. And so I've done a lot of thinking. on this question that she's asking, which is like, how do I just reset my mindset when I'm getting frustrated with myself? And I think what happens a lot is it's a lot of like mindfulness, basically, which is like, I need to be in the moment of the next thing that's about to happen and not thinking about my last mistake and not thinking about what happens if I make another mistake. So like not thinking about the past and not thinking about this potential future. And again, this idea of like, oh, my God, if I make another mistake, then I'm going to be embarrassed, then I'm going to lose another match.

And maybe this isn't for me. And maybe I'm in the wrong league and, you know, all that. Or thinking like, oh, my God, the last one and I did this and I, you know, just kind of coming back to, okay, I'm in this moment. So my intention for her, like I'll call it a mantra. on this one, which is simple that I use all the time and I tell my kids to use all the time. It's the shortest intention of all time, which is just next ball. And that's what I use for myself all the time, which is like, yeah, it's just next ball. It just helps you be like, okay, that's done.

She has a ball in her hand or I have a ball in my hand. All I'm going to think about is this next ball. I like that. I think that's good for like me. I remember like I used to play the clarinet and they would always say like if you were finishing like if you were playing the song and you got the note wrong. You just had to like keep like don't like go back and try to like redo the note. Right. Just like keep going. Or like if you're in a play and you like fuck up the line, don't like go back and say the line again like next line. Because once you start thinking about oh my God and what I do and looking around. and seeing who saw, or you look at your coach and what did she think and, you know, just the only thing you have control over, that's the other piece of it. The only thing you have control over is the next ball. That's this. The beauty of it is it's in your hand. So like it's right here. I have, or it's in your opponent's hand or whatever it is. You can see it. You can focus on it. It gives you like a literal physical object to focus on. Where next ball? Where is it? There it is.

Okay, it's bouncing on the ground. she's got it in her hand. I have it in my hand. I can feel it. I can see it. It gives you something very tangible to focus on. And that's exactly what she's, you know, looking to focus on is, you know, focus back on the game. And that, you know, that ball is the game.

That's my two, two word intention for you to get focused back on the game. Next ball. Do some triggers. I'll read our first triggered. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Neum, I have a triggered scenario. I thought would be interesting to share with you two. A few years ago, I was seeing this therapist who seemed great at first. During our second session, I think she could feel that I was holding back a specific traumatic

event that happened to me in childhood. She kept asking probing questions, basically saying that I needed to share everything with her in order for us to make progress in our sessions. So eventually, during the session, I ended up sharing this specific trauma with her. It was really painful for me to share and it was really emotional. She ended up saying that she could tell I was holding this back. and that we could definitely work through it as it affects a lot of aspects of my life. Fast forward to working with her for almost a year, she literally never brought it up again.

When I think about it, I still get really triggered. It feels like she was just curious what happened to me and had no intention of addressing it again and helping me move past it. Thinking back, she was pretty unprofessional in a lot of ways and not a great therapist. I eventually decided to stop seeing her for many different reasons. I wanted to ask you to, especially Dr. Naomi, how triggered do you think I should be by this? Thanks for all you do. see why this is triggering for a couple of reasons. One, it feels like you were kind of pressured into

sharing before you were ready. Is that not a thing therapists are supposed to do? No, it's not. I mean, I think, you know, usually give out an intake form. You get what you get on the intake form and can ask some questions. But I think on the second session, which is pretty quick to be like, you're hiding something. Tell me. Yeah. To bring it up. Yeah, it does feel. I think. I think. think there's a lot of pressure there on the second session to say, you know, it's important that you tell me everything. Like, it's not a cop. Yeah. Right. Right. I would never say that to someone on the second. Like, it's important that you tell me everything. Like, it's not, I mean, we can do a lot of great work without you telling me everything by the second session.

Maybe if we've been working together for a year or six months and I feel like we're having a block or There's something that feels like, you know, I might say, you know, it feels like there's a block here or it feels like there's something that's holding you back or that there's, you're more reactive here or it feels like there's a numbness here. That I can see or, but after the second session to put a pressure on like, this isn't going to work out if you're not ready right now to tell me your most traumatic experience of your life. It feels like a lot of pressure. I actually think it's more triggering that she never brought it up again. Because to me, it's like it almost feels like you've encouraged me to be more vulnerable. And then you didn't support, you didn't back it up with like the support that that level of vulnerability would, that I would need from that mentally from a therapy, like from my therapist does feel like I would feel the same way. Like you just kind of wanted to know.

You didn't actually care about needing to use it to connect to anything else. And then the part of the response of like, I knew. it is almost like, okay, congratulations. Like I'm not really here to like feed your ego that you knew that I had trauma. Like that's not what this is what this is about. So yeah, I could see why this is triggering and 100% right, like opening that up and she said she got very emotional about it and then just kind of opened. That's like the worst. Right. Open the wound and then didn't heal it. Yeah. Or help to heal it, whatever it was. Yeah. Yeah. And. And look, I, you know, maybe want to play devil's advocate in her defense.

I mean, it just doesn't sound like a well-trained therapist. Imagine a medical doctor doing this. Like, yeah, I think it's like a heart issue. Let's open it up. Right. I was right. Right. Someone else.

Yeah. Good luck with that. Yeah. It is tough. I mean, being a therapist is, it's a lot of responsibility. You know, you really, for things like this, where I, unfortunately, I do hear this a lot where there's like these therapeutic ruptures because people, trauma, when you open, when you share, it's not even a lot of times necessary to go through and tell a whole story. And a lot of times as a therapist, you might be curious about what happened to somebody, but that my curiosity shouldn't trump what you're ready to talk about. And then if someone does share that, now there is a responsibility on the part of the therapist to kind of be there, not, you know, like really be there, even shorter than a week's time.

I don't know what her trauma was, but not only does she not bring it up in a year, but I might want to touch base before a week if our next session wasn't for a week. And we, she brought up a really traumatic thing. I might touch base the next day or two days later to kind of be like, hey, I, I, I know that was really hard for you, just want to see how you're doing, let alone not bringing it up again for another year. I mean, maybe she was feeling like, what I was going to say. She was feeling like, oh, my God, that was like a lot. And I pushed her too far. And that, you know, maybe now I'll leave it to her to bring that up. But that's not a well-trained therapist and someone who wasn't obviously prepared to deal with whatever came up. Long story short, this doesn't sound great. I'm sorry that you went through this. Give it like a seven and a half. Yeah. Maybe that's pretty.

Just to open that up and then just like abandon you with it basically. Pretend it. Honestly, that when talking about trauma, sometimes even worse and re-traumatizing than the trauma itself is when you share the trauma with someone and they don't acknowledge it. in a real way. You know, like a lot of times what happened, even with like childhood trauma or if a child is abused or they report sexual abuse

to a parent or someone and there's the traumatic event itself and then if they report it to somebody and that person doesn't hold it with space and doesn't take it seriously, sometimes that's almost worse than the event itself. is the idea that I've now told you about this and you're not either believing me or caring for me, validating.

Validating me. So now it's like almost a trauma on top of a trauma is that now I've come to you, especially this therapist that I've trusted that I've, oh, yeah, this sucks. Might have to bump it to an eight. It is really hard. I mean, maybe she was waiting for you to kind of bring it back up. but then it does feel like, well, why'd you push me if... Right.

Yeah. And don't make me say it. Then I'll say it when I'm ready. All right. Well, sorry that happened to you. Yeah, I am sorry that happened to you. That is really annoying. Not all therapists are created equal.

Yeah, it is, it is tough. You know, if you, if it's trauma, you know, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, you can work with trauma without, you can work with the emotions that come up around trauma without necessarily having to retell the traumatic story. I just want to put that out there. That doesn't have to be part of the process. If you're with a therapist that just feels like they're just curious for you to tell the story, that can be part of it. It's like sharing that with another human being and having them, the second part which was missing is having them hold that space for you and sit with you in it and, you know, be with you and your emotions and process the emotions with you,

but that's not necessary to the healing process. That can be helpful, but you can also work through trauma without necessarily having to rehash the entire story, just so you know. So she's wrong in saying that if you don't tell me everything, there's no point in this. It's not going to help you. Like, that's just not true. Yeah, I agree. That doesn't sound like.

a professional statement. I'm sorry. This happened to you. Yeah. Yeah. Hopefully you find someone else and I wouldn't lose trust in all therapists. And I think that happens sometimes to people too. And there are really, really good capable therapists out there.

So I would just, you know, try somebody else, get a recommendation from a friend or somebody that you know that someone else has gotten good results from. Those are always the best when you get like someone you know and trust their opinion on someone that you think is insightful to do that. But all right, let's do another one. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, new listener here. Welcome. I've been binging past episodes.

Thank you both for keeping me company on a long commute. I'm reaching out with a triggered scenario but could also use an intention. My parents' neighbor, let's call her Susan, is obsessed with my dad and my parents' lack of awareness is frustrating. She's constantly calling him to help her with things. I know it might sound like I'm exaggerating, but one time she even called my dad to take her to the hospital, knowing he was already at the hospital because my mom was in emergency surgery. I approached my dad after this, expressing it was odd for her to call during our family emergencies saying she needed help when she was definitely aware of my mom being in surgery. I asked him point blank if something was happening between them.

He assured me that no, nothing was happening and that he was kind of shocked that I even thought she might have. had an attachment to him. Bless him, but he's kind of oblivious. On another occasion, my mom's 60th birthday party, she pulled him away from the party to help fix her glasses, which also felt intentional. She calls him all the time asking him to fix things at her house and even shows up at my parents' house unannounced to, quote,

visit the dogs. She's had medical issues in the past and has been divorced for decades. So my parents often feel bad for her and want to help her because they are kind people. She has a lot of problems and even used to trap me for hours at a time to vent about her life. I since cut contact with her because I felt she was crossing boundaries even with me. I've approached my mom about her too, noting that she is constantly showing up unannounced and taking advantage of my parents' kindness. My mom thinks it's because she's lonely and doesn't see the issue, even though she's openly admitted she doesn't particularly wish to have a friendship with this neighbor.

My dad is the kind of person that sees someone broken down on the side of the road and pulls over to offer help. I genuinely believe my dad would never do anything like having a affair with this woman, but she still triggers me whenever she randomly shows up. How do I let this go and not let her interaction with my parents bother me so much? Thank you so much. A, you're not fooling me, betch. This is interesting. I kind of don't really fully understand why she cares so much. Like the only person bothered by this arrangement seems to be her. Yeah, the mom doesn't even care.

The way she describes her dad, it sounds like he probably enjoys helping her. She said, my dad is the kind of person that sees someone broken down on the side of the road and pulls over to offer help. It probably makes him feel good. It's very interesting that she keeps mentioning this idea of like an affair. I wonder if anything has happened in the past that makes her like kind of paranoid about like someone coming into their family and like messing things up. or if her dad had had an affair previously or if there's like something there just because it seems like, I don't know why that would be her first thing. I bet she's getting the vibe that this woman would be interested in her dad if she was single.

Maybe that's just where it's coming from. I'm sure she would have mentioned it if her dad had had an affair in the past. That would be like important information. I guess, yeah. But yeah, the mom doesn't seem to be threatened at all, probably because her mom lives with her dad and knows that like he's probably just doing this all the time all over the place. I do think the idea of like him being in the hospital with his wife and her calling him to like take her to the hospital is weird.

It sounds like the issue should be more with her dad though. Like why are you, why did you go back and pick her up when our mom was in the hospital? Right. I think she should make it more like situation specific. Like, what are the exact situations that bother, are you, like, looking out for your mom? You feel like your mom is not getting as much attention as she should because of this woman? Like, it feels like she's taking it out on the woman, but it's more like the dad doesn't have to do any of this shit. The only thing that was weird, I think fixing her glasses and the party, like, okay, I don't know.

I think this woman is probably a little attention starved. She was even kind of stalking, stalking her a little bit. it. Yeah, she's like, she's lonely. She's lonely. I think they see her as a non-issue, which is why this isn't a problem for them. They probably feel secure in the marriage. They feel bad for her. They're trying to help her out. I think she realizes that this is her. This is, she's the only one that's bothered by this. I think she just finds this woman annoying. I could see this happening. She had to cut off a relationship with her because she was annoying her. So she wants everyone to cut. Maybe it validates her feeling that she cut her off.

if everyone else cuts her off. I could see that. She just probably finds this woman irritating. And she's like, I'm sorry, you're lonely, but like my dad is not your surrogate husband kind of thing. Like she's just annoyed by it. But I think it's kind of nice that her mom is not. Like her mom sounds like a sweet woman where she's like, okay, you could have, he could fix her glasses and I'm not threatened. He can like give you a ride. Doesn't bother me. Like it sounds like, Yeah. And if I mean, like, again, if he didn't want to do it, the dad could write into us and say, how do I stop? How do I get rid of this? Which is maybe why she's suspicious because she's like, how is she not annoying you? Why do you like this? He probably likes helping her out. I mean, I think that's probably a thing with a lot of older people when their kids move out and they don't feel useful. And they're like, this person needs some use for me. It makes me feel like I'm doing something. And so like, Yeah, I don't know. If she feels like she feels this woman is like a threat. Yeah, if she was an 85 year old woman, would it bother you?

Probably not. The only person that seems to affect is like your parents and they don't seem to be bothered by it. Like it doesn't affect you. So I would suggest just backing off because it's like no, the arrangement is working for them. I mean, if your dad told you he's like giving her, he's like leaving her half of his wealth or something that like affects you. Or even if your mom, even if the mom's, said, I can't believe he left me in the hospital to go pick her up. Right.

Really upsetting me. Then maybe I could see that nobody seems to care. They all seem sort of okay with it. I do want to validate. I could see this being annoying. If she's like a person that just is irritating to you and she would like corner you and chew your ear off for two hours. But that's all the more reason to think like this isn't a thing between the two of them

as a romantic thing. If you were there, she would be doing this to you. do. And if some other woman lived across the street, he would be helping her too. This isn't like a unique. This is just two people that have this need. She needs the need for attention. She has a need for attention. He has the need to help people. They're just like a symbiotic relationship that works for them. I believe that it's not romantic. I'm sure if it was your mom would be picking up on the vibe and she wouldn't be thrilled about it. Yeah. And maybe you can ask your dad like what he gets out of helping her. Maybe that would be.

help add to the conversation. Yeah, that's a good question. But it does sound like she's even saying, like he would help anybody. Anyone. Right. And this woman just seems to be like, she keeps giving him. He feels like she's taking advantage. But that's, like, he's an adult. It's not like if it was like your kid, you're like underage child that was like constantly doing. Like this guy's a adult. He knows what he, he could stop doing this at any time. It's not your job to like protect him from being asked to. do things by this woman. It's working. It's like the little fish that swim underneath the shark and like the shark keep them safe

and they eat the bacteria or whatever that live on the bottom of the shark. Symbiotic relationship. Yeah. It works for everybody involved. It makes him have a purpose. It makes her feel like there's somebody a man in her life that can, maybe it helps her not have to be so upset with the dating scene because she has someone that can help her fix her glasses.

whatever it is. Mom, like you said, bless her, doesn't seem to care. I would just let there's, if they didn't have this, you might have bigger issues. Your dad might be calling you and asking you a million questions about what you're doing and bothering you about something. Or maybe you feel like your dad isn't helping you. And I don't know.

Maybe there's some other issue. Maybe you want your dad's attention or maybe you want your dad's help. That's what I'm saying. It feels like there's something else happening here that's leading to her preoccupation with this woman. Right. Like maybe there is. She didn't tell us much about her and what stage of life she's in. Like maybe she's not partnered and needs something from her dad that she's not getting or maybe she wants some help from him with fixing things at her place or she's saying my parents lack of awareness is frustrating. Maybe there's like a certain amount of naivete that you think they have that irks you.

They're being taken advantage of in some way. Yeah, and maybe that, or like even just that mindset of like seeing the, maybe that has hurt you in some way, them seeing the best in people or something. I don't know. I don't know what it is. But it does seem like I would dig a little deeper into why this bothers you so much. Yeah. Everyone seems happy.

What is bugging you about this? Yeah. Let us know if you want to come on and figure it out. Yeah. We have lots of questions that could help, help unearth the real. the real reason why this is bugging you. But as far as triggering, no one seems to really care.

Besides you. Yeah, I get it too. That one day where he left the hospital to pick her up, if I got the call on that one day. Or if I was like, if I was in the emergency surgery and I was like, where's dad?

And someone was like, he's picking up. He went to go pick up Susan. Right. Yeah, that would be triggering. That would annoy me. But I would also be annoyed at him. Yeah.

You could just, that's what I'm saying. Like, I think it's more triggering that he's, yeah, that he would leave the hospital to go pick up Susan. Yeah, maybe you're, it sounds like she's questioning his loyalty to her mother. Like, that's when she asked him if there was something going on. Yeah, maybe there's that. Maybe he just,

she feels like he helps. And that could be, I have seen that before where it's like, that might be it. You've got to come on and let us know. But I've seen that before where it's like there is an image projected of like Mr. helpful.

And not helping your own wife. In the home, that's not the real guy. Like, you want to be like, oh, I'll stop on the side of the road and I'll, I'll, you know, bring the homeless guy a sandwich and I'll do all this stuff. But then in the house, they're like not lifting a finger and not even cleaning, not even cleaning up their own dish kind of thing. Right. Or you're not helping your wife in surgery, but you're doing this for someone else or something.

Maybe that's it. That might be it where he's like letting his wife fend for herself, but like portraying. an image for the rest of the world like he's, you know, the savior. Yeah, let us know. I would really like to know what the, give us a little more info on the dynamic here. Come on. You'll stay anonymous. This is pretty.

Yeah. Susan will never find out. Exactly. Without that info, I sadly have to give you a two. Yeah. Give us more and we will, we will raise it up from a two. I think there's more, there's more juice to be squeezed from this lemon. Well, we did it.

All right. That's our time. Great work today.