Oversharing - How Do Small Moments Define Our Days?

Episode Date: April 8, 2025

L’Chaim! In this episode Jordan and Dr. Naomi Bernstein reflect on a recent Bat Mitzvah celebration for Dr. Naomi’s daughter while discussing the joys and challenges of hosting, especially family. They reflect on the need for more mindfulness in all our days and leave us with some practical tools to remain more present in our daily lives. The conversation explores the need for open communication and accountability in all types of relationships after one Betch shares how her partner dropped the ball on an important anniversary and another shares a wedding snafu that has been gnawing at her since the day. Dr. Naomi provides listeners with an intention for helping set the tone for the moment. Finally, in their “Sweet Release” segment sponsored by Angry Orchard, they discuss the existential conundrum of who has priority on the bathroom line and an annoying friendship moment. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. And we are back after an amazing weekend spent together in Dallas. Yes. I feel like I just saw you, but I miss you already.

That was really fun. It was crazy. I'm a type B. Like, I don't like to be in charge. I don't like to be, like, making all the decisions. So that was a challenge for me. Yeah. It was a little chaotic, but when you have that many people, it always kind of is.

Yes. So for listeners, it was my daughter's bat mitzvah, the first one in the family. And it was really special and super meaningful. I thought the whole ceremony was, it was just really beautiful. It just goes to show like our family. It was, we were all crying like for, you know, it was so sweet. For like half of it. It was really beautiful and I'm so glad everybody was there.

So that part seemed to go pretty well. And I had made all those decisions ahead of time. So that felt easy. It was the next day with just organizing all the people that was, uh, we went to six flags like theme park. I was like in lieu of a party. That was the sort of like the event, which was just our like semi immediate family. But I guess I guess your immediate family is now your husband and your kids.

But like right. When I'm saying immediate family, I guess I'm thinking like our siblings and everyone that branches off from them. Right. So it was 27 people at six flags. And that was a bit of a shit show. But we did it. I think we had fun. I was, everyone kept reminding me in that moment like, okay, breathe. Now's your mo, like everyone was kind of giving me my advice back in that moment, which I actually really appreciated. I think you saw. I had like 27 barcodes that I had to separately get everybody their own barcode in the moment while we're all standing there. The kids are like itching to start going on rise and I'm emailing barcodes to everybody. And,

So that part was stressful. But once we got that all done, it was really fun. The roller coasters were so fun. It was so fun to go on them with the kids. And everyone was like so excited and winning stuffed animals and stuff like that. But there are definitely like things where if you're kind of like, I would say if you're like in a mood or if you are like open to being triggered, there will be something that will find you. We could probably write in with like at the top of my head, I could think of like four different triggered scenarios just based on. the few hours that we were at the park. But it's good practice. It's funny. I really kind of,

I appreciated everyone else kind of being on the receiving end of like the calming energy because everyone saw that like I was just. You were frazzled. Yeah, because I was just making so many decisions for so many people and it's not my happy place. Like I liked other people to make the decision and then I just show up and go with the flow. So I think others were picking up on like that I was little frazzled and I liked being on the receiving end of that. But yeah, the, you know, hosting is hard. Hosting is hard. It is. I was thinking that because I remember like the almost like the best wedding I bet you ever go to is like the wedding that's after your wedding. Right. Because the wedding that's after your wedding, it's like you know everything that goes into this whole

affair and like all the little details, but you're not responsible for any of them. So you can kind of like enjoy them while knowing like just how much work and effort and time went into all of it, just like basically for your enjoyment. Totally. But you just get to show up. So I mean, I guess it's funny because when I think of hosting, I like the idea of hosting in theory. But if you're someone who likes hosting, you're like someone who enjoys that feeling of like all the little details and making sure that everyone's happy.

I guess I'm a little confused as to what's enjoyable about that. Well, I think, yeah, I think some people, and this is not me, like being in charge and they like being the one that gets to make the decisions. Right. By the end of the weekend, I had so much decision fatigue that someone would be like, do you want chocolate or vanilla? And I'm like, I don't know, somebody else pick. Like I cannot make a single other.

But some people like being. the one to make the decision so that they feel confident that that's the decision that's going to go well. That's the decision that's going to be the best decision. It's true, but I think some people really are, they're like good at the chess game of a party where they can anticipate like what needs to be done. And then they feel it's like, I know I'm going to show up for this chess match and I have my plan and I know that it's going to work.

And then when it works, you get this sense, I assume, because this isn't me, sense of satisfaction of like being prepared. Like I think we've talked about that before, which, you know, the Rebbson who was like in charge of helping me doing the ceremony, she's like, you're so chill. Like most of my moms get are really like worked up and they're like anxious before. And I think that anxiety helps you feel like I'm thinking about every potential scenario. and I'm prepared for it. Whereas I'm just like, okay, when it happens, I'll figure it out. Well, you also have been practicing like meditation and things for so long where I think you anticipate that things will go wrong and not exactly smoothly and you're like okay with that.

Right. Because when you imagine an event, you don't imagine like, you know, that the caterer's laid or that the, like you don't imagine all the little things that could go wrong. And so there is a deviation from like, this is the perfect event that I planned in my head and this is what's happening. But I think that you're very skilled at the art of like breathing through like just things that come up and things that go wrong. And so that probably helps you keep that energy of like big thinking big picture. Right. I appreciate that.

And I think that's true. And I think the expectation of perfection is a hard one too. Like even when we were taking photos, right, most people will show up to an event with like a list of. who they want in which photo and like then you get all the photos that you want like I didn't have a list of photos I was just like everybody in and then like okay how about this group all right how about okay go get so and so they're in the bathroom and it's like am I going to get all the pictures that I want no I'm going to have the perfect groupings of all the people no but I have a picture of everyone who is there I have the record of all the people that attended

I have a photo of our immediate family and that's it. And if I don't have the perfect group, you have to kind of be okay with not getting the perfect organization of everything you want. If you're not okay with that, then that's going to stress you out that you didn't get the photo with this, this, this, and that person. Right.

In order to be chill, you have to be okay with not having imperfections. Imperfections and however things turn out. Right. But you actually enjoy the actual thing more, which I think is kind of the point. Like you could get all the perfect pictures while being stressed and bossing everyone around

and telling them where to go and doing this. I guess that's why people have like a wedding planner or like a party planner so that they can stress out about those things and like you can not. But I think that you seem to be enjoying yourself, which I think is sort of the point you would imagine. Yes. It was really, it was overall great.

And it's just for the listeners, I wanted to share this little tidbit because we had, you know, it was a Jewish event, we had a bat mitzvah, there's this part that's stuck with me that I think the listeners can use. You don't have to be Jewish. It's just a mindfulness. So part of Lila's speech was that she was going to kind of set an intention for herself to do this Jewish prayer called moda ani. What it means in Judaism is like, I am thanking God for returning my soul back into my body after I wake up from sleep. Basically like waking up, like I get to wake up another day.

Yes. Yeah. So it's interesting because she gave this speech and she was talking about doing it. And she had written this speech a few weeks ago. And I was wondering if she was really going to start to do it. And she said she was. And then ever since, I mean, it's only been three days. But like the second I open my eyes in the morning, I like have that.

It just comes to me. And it's a really beautiful way to start your morning is just, you know, the second you regain consciousness in the morning, what comes into your head, your to do list, what you have to do that day, or you can just take that second and be like, whoa, I'm back in my body again. I get to live another day in this life. I'm lucky that I'm alive. I found it to be really inspiring way to start the day in whatever way that works for you. It doesn't have to be Modani. It could be any thankful gratitude for I'm back in my body. And it just,

it starts your day off with awareness of more than just like the rat race of your life. So totally. It's been happening naturally for me. Interestingly, for some reason. And I'm sure at some point it won't. It's kind of cool thing to get in the habit of. So I highly recommend. I'll try that.

Yeah. Especially useful on a Monday morning. Yes. You're not particularly interested in being thankful for the day ahead. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes, totally. And it's so quick just to be like, okay, I'm aware that I'm like, get another day on this earth. I'm aware that I'm alive. I'm aware. And it also is like a marker from what we talk about about the difference between like unconscious and conscious. So just becoming aware that there's a very special thing that happens when you wake up in the morning is that it's your first moment of consciousness and back to like your thoughts and being in control of your thoughts. So if you can take that moment and like start off your day with awareness

of your own consciousness, it can kind of set you up, I think, for success in terms of just, you know, doing the thing that we talk about. Right. And I'm back. I'm in control of my own thoughts again. At night, you're not, right? You dream about whatever you dream about. You're not control. Then in the morning, you kind of get your control back where I get to choose my thoughts again. So I thought that that was a cool takeaway, starting to learn from her. She's 13. She's wise beyond her years. Wise beyond her years. For sure. All right. Well, it was great, you know, getting our time in. I already miss you. And what is nice is that when we see each other, you do get like a few days as opposed to like a dinner or something. Yes. I love having you stay in

house, wake up and like PJs in the morning. Right. You get a sense for how you live. And I was thinking it was so funny because you're like, you're like a real, like you've got like three kids and two dogs. You're like fully in like a family swing. Like you are like this is, you know, this is like that time of your life. Totally. It's crazy.

There's a lot. And it's fun to see it. A lot of stuff happening. Yeah. Not a dull moment. But you handle it very well. Oh, thank you. All right, let's get into your questions.

If you want to subscribe, you can get all these episodes a day early and ad-free. And you get two bonus episodes a month. Our first bonus episode for April is going to be out on Thursday, this coming Thursday, the April 10th, and you'll get two of those a month. We're also going to have a listener on to, you know, do an in-person little therapy session. So it's really fun to get in behind the scenes. Or if you want a little bit more of an intensive oversharing experience, you can join one of Dr. Naomi's therapy groups.

How do they do that? come find me at Naomi Bernstein.com. You can flip through my website, find out what the groups are all about, and then fill out a form, reach out, and we will get you matched up and include it in our really awesome community. So I would love to get some of our listeners in there. Yes. All right, well, let's do it. I'll read our first email. And guys, if you want to leave us a voicemail, you can leave us a voicemail at 646-3626294. If it's easier for you to ask for advice, If not, you can email oversharing at betches.com. All right, I'm going to read our first email.

Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I'm writing to you today with a dilemma that I'm having with my husband. I'm 30 years old and my husband is 32 years old. We got married two years ago, own a house, and dog together, and I'm six months pregnant. When I was three years old, my dad passed away from cancer. Even though I'm 30 years old, the loss still hurts tremendously. The date that he passed away just recently passed. And although I told my husband the day before that the day was tomorrow, he did not acknowledge it on the day of. We have gotten in fights about this in years past, so this is something where he

knows my expectation of at least acknowledging it, even a text or bringing it up before work to let me know that he is here for me would mean more than just ignoring it. That night, we got in a huge argument about it and he expressed how awful he feels about it. He said that he thought about it during the day, but dropped the ball. It's hard for me to accept this answer because we have gotten in the same fight in years past. My question to you is, how do I deal with this? I feel that I set him up for success by mentioning it the day before the actual date. It has been a few days and he is still expressing sorrow. I still feel myself distancing from him because I can't imagine not acknowledging my significant other's parents' death day, especially when we have gotten

in a fight about it in years past. Thank you for any advice you have, sincerely hurt and confused. Oh, yeah, I really validate her. This is really hard because she... It's really frustrating, yeah. She reminded him. Yes. And they've... talked about this before. She really, I think that we've had it, we had another email about the gift recently where she, she really tried to set him up for success. And, right. And he did not take the bait at all.

Yeah. And I mean, this guy seems like he feels really bad, really bad, which he should. And it's tough because it's kind of like, well, if you, you could have just done it and then not, do you know what I mean? Like it's like, I, but I also, you know, I also have been. I think we've all done something where we knew we were supposed to do something. We knew we were supposed to do it. We just didn't do it.

And then like it's too late. Yes. Right? Right. So I don't know. What do you, uh, what do you think? Like what I can understand being really irritated though. And like there's really nothing he can do to like de irritate it, I guess, unless he did

something really thoughtful maybe. Right. So two thoughts come to mind about like caretaking their marriage going forward. one is when I talk to couples about like apologies or repair one of the things you have to do is kind of figure out like how can I help like I'm sorry I validate your feelings right I'm sorry I feel badly how can I help what can I do yeah what can I do so I do think that on the one hand it was really awful and thoughtless and hurtful and she's talked about it before On the other hand, she doesn't want to just leave him out in the doghouse, even though she's just, her body is just feeling distant, I think. And like her whole energy is not feeling like leaning into him.

Right. I do think it doesn't have to be an anniversary for them to do the repair that needs to happen. Like, I think they can have another conversation where he tries to, and unfortunately, he's not the one writing in. I wish he was. She's writing in. And so she might again, which is annoying, have to spearhead this conversation, but it doesn't have to be the anniversary. I think what might be helpful is just allowing a space, even if it's now a week later, for him to lean in to her feelings and talking about how she feels about her dad's death. And whether she wants to talk about it or she just wants a hug or she just wants to talk about what that day was like for her or she wants to talk about what it feels.

felt like for her to wait around all day to see if he was going to say something and didn't. Like, I just think that opening up some space, even if it's now a week or two later, to just, you know, talk about her feelings and why it's important to her and how the loss that she's felt, not having a father in her life, or if she does have some memory, whatever it is that she wants to talk about. It doesn't have to be the, like, I think she needs to say to him, just because you miss the day, which sucked for all these reasons. doesn't mean that we can't do the thing that we were going to do on the day now.

Yeah. I think that's a great plan. And it would be nice if he did something particularly thoughtful about it, maybe like wrote her a card or did something like that. Yes. And I also think kind of similarly to the couple with the birthday present issue. It might be interesting to ask him, like, it does feel like a little strange that we went over this and you didn't do anything.

Is there something about the topic of the day? death that makes you really uncomfortable so you just like really, really didn't want to bring it up. Because clearly, like, I kind of feel like if I told you the day before, there's no way throughout the whole day you just didn't remember. Like, it doesn't feel like a memory issue to me. It does feel like he didn't want to really get into it or talk about it or acknowledge it. And I doubt that has to do with her. Maybe that has to do with his own feelings about death or something like that. Totally. And I think because she said, and I believe him that he said, I thought about it.

I just dropped the ball. So there's that little moment where she can pick his brain and be like, so where were you when you thought about it? Okay, I was sitting at my desk when I thought about. What did you think about? Like maybe there is a piece where he thought about it, but he didn't know exactly what to say or how to approach it or if a text message was appropriate or if it, like, I could see that happening where you're like, maybe a text message isn't like appropriate.

at maybe she needs a phone call. So if it needs to be a phone call, maybe I need to wait until I have more time to like have a phone call. Or maybe I'm going to stop off and buy flowers and then by the time. Yeah. Whatever it is,

I think sometimes when, just to clarify, like when you're thinking about the thing, just do the thing. That's the time to do it. Right. You can always follow up with flowers later. You can always follow up with an additional phone call,

but like just do the thing. Yeah. Yeah. Obviously, like, your dad's death is an important milestone in your life. But like, and I'm not saying that this doesn't mean he shouldn't do anything. But I think it happened when you were three. He never met your dad. He doesn't, he didn't see. He wasn't there when your dad passed. So I think that maybe it feels like in his mind, he's like, it's not connecting necessarily for him. Which again is not, does not mean he shouldn't say or acknowledge or do something. But maybe he's just like a little. nervous about it coming off like disingenuous or coming off kind of like distant because he is

he is distant from the actual event like he it is very distant from his personal life it is not distant from your life but i can see where maybe a little bit of the discomfort in knowing what to say or saying something or even going for it just kind of feels like for him it doesn't compute quite as much as it does for you he can't relate to like what would i want to hear in this situation or how would I want, you know, this to be handled. I could see that. And I really do think there probably is some discomfort. And honestly, I think it's, this is a catch 22 that a lot of couples get themselves

into, which is like, you set the person up, you tell them what to do. And then they feel a little like phony when they're just like following orders. Yes, totally. I have this with Mike sometimes too, where I'm like in a mood, I'm like, here's what I need you to say. but then I'm like, I'm also like, well, I don't want you to say it because I just told you to say it. But like I do want you to put it, but you, you do want them to say it too. Right.

Right. They don't want to feel like they're just a robot that you've programmed. And then four hours later, they hit play and you, they're just like a performing monkey that does the thing that you told them to do. So I think they probably want to give it some thought and make it feel like more like they're using their own words or they're doing it in their own way. but that ends up probably creating some like tension and a procrastination. And then before you know it, the day's gone and you haven't done the thing because you didn't want to just repeat what she told you to say. So I think getting all of this out in the open about like what the struggle is, I agree,

whether it's like you seemed like you were in a good mood. I didn't want to bring it up or I didn't want to upset you or it's really hard when I hear you cry. Like I thought that maybe you'd start crying. I agree. Whatever that is, I think this is a great opportunity. to get to the bottom, there's some kind of a block here. Like, I don't think he has dementia.

I don't think this is like a memory issue. I think there's some block here that might be helpful for you guys to dig in and figure out what that is. I tell couples, you have to put your relationship at the top of your to-do list. Like that, you have your to-do list for your day and caring for your marriage has to be on there and it doesn't feel romantic to feel like I need to put my partner on my to do list, but that is sometimes just what you need to do because we're so busy with everything else that if, as you're listening right now, if there's something that your partner has been like

telling you that they want or they need or would make them feel loved or whether you like it or you don't or you agree with it or you don't, put it on your to do list every week and just do it because oftentimes and I need this advice too you know like just like you would a work task exactly and it just doesn't feel like you want to you pretend that you're just going to feel like it like maybe when you were first dating if your partner said like I love it when you like make me breakfast in the morning just like you wake up you're just thinking about them and ways to make them happy and so you just like pop out of bed and make them breakfast and like you know couple years down the line, you're just like, okay, I've done that. I've made the breakfast. I made

him happy. And now I need to like, you know, plan my work day or do whatever. So like if they've told you, they would like a cup of coffee or they'd like a, you know, a back rub every now and that. Whatever the thing is, put it on your to do list and do it because it'll fuel them. And then they'll have more like gas in the tank to give back to you. And it just sets everything in a good kind at motion. Yeah, I agree. Little tips, little things, I think, are really what make the, not about the grand gestures necessarily, although this thing, again, not a grand gesture, but if someone's telling

you something very specifically, that's a particular time to pay attention. They need to figure out what this is. And I wouldn't just, like, let him rot in the doghouse. Talk about it. Okay. I've said it either whether you still want to go back to it and talk about your dad or you want to move forward and talk about, like, what makes this so hard for? for you, he might need a little bit of help figuring that out. So maybe that's the next place

you want to go. Right. All right. Let's do a betraceist. All right. I will read this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I've been a loyal listener and now subscriber to oversharing, loving the new and extra content each month. Awesome. Love it. The recent episodes on wedding gift etiquette had me thinking back on something that happened during my wedding, which nearly four years later still makes me wonder if I should have handled it differently. My wedding was originally in 2020, but pushed to fall 2021 due to COVID. My husband and I booked a large enough house

to fit our whole wedding party and their plus ones. Some got their own rooms while others had to share, so we split costs in a way with those, with their own rooms or bathrooms paid more than those who shared. Side note. This still feels fair to me, to be honest, have never done it again because it was such a headache to coordinate. One of the wedding party members tested positive for COVID,

two days before the wedding, so couldn't make the trip. By then, the house was already paid for. They never asked for their money back, and I was so overwhelmed, I didn't offer at the time. However, with them not coming, some people swapped rooms and paid each other the differences if they went from a share to a more private room and vice versa, which I did help coordinate. I was one of the first of my friends to get married and already feeling anxious, self-conscious, that I had to ask our wedding party to split the cost of the accommodations, food, some transportation, and hair makeup, which was optional. This kept me from not asking for more money from everyone else to cover the friend who

couldn't make it. In the grand scheme, it probably would have been about $20 per person, but I let my anxiety get the best of me, so I never asked. I also didn't feel like I had the money at the time to pay the friend back for their portion myself. Three plus years later, I still wonder if I'm the asshole for not paying my friend back. I rationalize it by the fact that they never asked, and it was so last minute that I think many others in that situation, including myself, would have just accepted eating the cost.

But I can't help but still feel guilty and wonder if I should just randomly send them the money to just clear my own conscience. Would love to hear your thoughts from the resident betchesist XX and asking for money makes me sweaty, betch. I thought she handled this totally fine. I would completely forget about it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I think she handled it fine. I mean, look, I could see us getting an email from the person who had COVID saying, I got COVID. I paid for this house. I didn't end up going. I never got a refund. I could see someone being a little irked about it. But three years later, and I could see why she didn't do it at the time because she was overwhelmed. It was her wedding.

She was coordinating 5,000 different things. But three years later, I think she could let it go. if it's really bugging her and you have the money, send it to her. That's more for you than for the friend, though, if that's something you really want to do. Yes. I mean, you could do that. To me, the person who got, and again, I can understand someone being like, it'd be great if they could get me my money back.

But like, when you plan a house and you get money for the house, you're doing it based on the amount of people that committed. And I'm not saying it's someone's fault that they get COVID, but that's sort of in that, especially in that time. in that time frame, that's sort of something where you're like taking the risk. Right. And if you really didn't want to get COVID, there are ways to probably figure out a way to make sure you didn't get it.

And not saying, oh, they deserve it. Like, it would be nice if they could get them, if it was like a room that was cancelable or if it was like everyone got a hotel room and they could cancel it and get it back, of course. Yeah. But this, I don't think, is necessarily really her. do to pay. Yeah. And I also think if they're friends at some point when they're hanging out or they're chatting, she could say, you know, I know this sounds weird, but I still think about that time that you didn't get to come. And this is how, you know, I think just like talking about it might

make you feel better. I don't think you necessarily need to like Venmo them or like send them money. I think the next time you hang out, you could just clear your conscience by saying, like, the craziest thing, like, I still really think about how I never refunded your money for the house when I got married and you had COVID and I feel bad about it. And I bet they would say, don't worry about it. Right. Totally. I don't think about it day to day. Or, I don't know. Maybe they would be like, yeah, I was kind of annoyed about it, but it was so long ago.

Who knows? I don't think they'll care. But it might just make you feel better that you're. addressing it because it sounds like maybe it was kind of swept under the rug a little in the chaos of the wedding. Would you expect your money back? It was like a big house? Yeah, probably not because I would know that it would take so, like it's so many moving parts to like, right. Yeah. I mean, look, if it was like a, if it was like $1,500, yeah, maybe I'd kind of want my money back. Right. But I think when I canceled then or like after the wedding, if I really wanted the money back,

I think I would say like, hey, I didn't want to ask you at the time because I know you're like getting married and you have so many other things to stress about. Is there a way to kind of like get at least partial refund? Something like that. I don't want to stress you out. If not, it's no big deal. Right. I would kind of assume again, like it's a risk you take. It's a risk I take. If I really didn't want to get COVID, like there are things that you can do. You can just not leave your house. Right. Like totally. It's not like, again, it's not like, oh, she did this herself. But. But I remember I had a friend's bachelorette in COVID. Right. Yeah. That was like international where you're going to have to test to get back. And I was like, all right, I really can't miss this thing. I don't want to get COVID. I don't want to get COVID.

I'm going to be like ultra, ultra, like conservative about what I'm doing just to make sure that I don't get this. Totally. But I think just clearing the air is going to make her feel better. Yeah. Even if she doesn't, I don't think you need to send her the money. I think at some point, if it's bugging you, which it is because you're writing in. I don't think you did anything wrong.

Like, you know, if she really wanted her money back, she could approach you and say, hey, do you think there's any way we could like collect a little bit from each person? And next time you're hanging out, be like, you know, this thing's been bugging me. I wrote into oversharing. I wanted to find out what they thought. I still feel bad about it.

And I bet she'll say, please, I'm over it. Don't stress it. It happens. Yeah. I totally agree. All right. Good luck.

Good luck. Let's do some intentions. I will read them. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm a huge fan of both you up and oversharing, and I especially find the intention segment helpful. People love this intention segment. Oh, good.

I am writing to request an intention relating to anxiety surrounding my work schedule, specifically at the end of my work day. I recently started a new job, which changed my schedule from working three 12-hour shifts per week to four, eight-hour shifts plus one 12-hour shift per week.

I'm struggling to find work-life balance and often find myself anxious at the end of the day on my eight-hour days, wanting to rush out of work as soon as I can in order to get home and get whatever household chores need to be done, grocery shopping, cleaning, meal prep, et cetera, and still have time to have an enjoyable and relaxing evening before going to work the next day. For context, I come from a family that is very early to rise and very early to bed, so I often find myself wanting to shut down for the day by 7 p.m.ish. I wake up early to exercise prior to going to work in an attempt to maximize my time after work to enjoy life and not feel like I'm stuck in the typical nine to five survival cycle or only

living for the weekend. I would love to have an intention to give myself at the end of my workday when I start feeling anxious to rush out and get home. To remind myself that the day isn't over, I still have time and I don't have to fill the afternoon with endless tasks and to do lists. Thank you very much in advance, five o'clock batch. All right. I love this question. I talk with a lot of people about this concept of like you feel like a scarcity mindset in terms of your time. Even when there's no real like people are time. Right. Like I just think, especially in cities like New York, there's this just like constant.

You're just always trying to save time or maximize time or rush around. And that rushing around, it creates like. a connection between your mind and your body. So if your body is rushing, your mind feels rushed. And your mind feels like it's kind of, they kind of feed each other. So I talk to a lot of my patients just about literally moving slowly. And if you move more slowly, you kind of convince your mind that everything's okay. There's no emergency. And it can help you like, not have those racing thoughts of like, I got to do this and I got to do that. And what if I don't do this? And what if I don't do? It just like sets the tone for a more calm kind of experience as you're moving through the world.

You make less like hasty mistakes when you're moving slowly. So you don't like forget your jacket. And then you have to go back. When you're rushing, you're always thinking like about the next thing, which is kind of the opposite of how we want to enjoy. She's off work. Right. Work, you constantly have to think about all these things that you have to do for other people to complete your tasks. And now is your chance to not do that. So the first thing I would say is just move slower, which sounds like the opposite.

Counterintuitive. Right. Counterintuitive. Like I want to maximize my, call it like five hours that I have between five o'clock and 10 o'clock, maybe when I want to go to sleep. I want to maximize it. So I'm going to rush around. But like if you think about what rushing out the door, how much time are you really saving?

Right. 90 seconds. Yeah. Like if I pick up my bag and I try to run to the elevator and hit the button before, what are we really saving here and what is it costing us in terms of our mental health and our ability to like have a nice, calm nervous system, and I'm standing and waiting for the elevator. And this is a moment that I could like relax.

Yeah. Or it's a moment that I could be like, well, maybe if I take the stairs and if I take the stairs, maybe I'll save 30 seconds and then I'll get. Right. Which you think is helping you save time, but you're actually losing more time thinking about how to save time. Yeah. You would.

And you're working yourself up and you're getting your nervous system going and you could just be enjoying that moment where you're not at work and you're not like, you know, doing some other seemingly unenjoyable tasks that you don't really feel like doing. But I think the other key is just making all the tasks that you're doing while you're not working enjoyable or just like they're not that bad because they're right. So you don't feel like you need to like run out of there because you're,

because I do think there's this sense of like work bad, life outside of work good. Right. So I think that like if she changes the way she thinks about that, And I mean, if she really can't get out of that thing, maybe this isn't the job for her. But I do think that that's sort of how people think about a lot of these things that they, it feels like it's not their choice to be there. Right.

Right. So yeah, I mean, and we could use this for work also, but that's like another topic for another time. But just like being in the moment of like, this is your free time. So even if you're whatever it is that you decide to do, You want to stop for groceries on the way home instead of being like, I just need to get the groceries over with so then I could get to the house so then I could cook the dinner so then I could clean up so then I could lay on the couch for an hour and that's my only enjoyable time rather than saying,

okay, as I'm walking through the grocery store, I'm going to like just walk slowly and take in the environment. Notice the song that's playing on the, you know, speakers in the grocery store. I'm going to notice the colors on the packages. I'm going to enjoy looking at all these beautiful fruits that are available for me to choose. Just being in the moment of being at the grocery store instead of like getting, it's almost like a microcosm for life. Right. Right.

Getting through it. Yeah. Get through this so I could get to the next thing. So I could get to the next thing. So then what? I could retire eventually and then I'll enjoy my life. I don't think that's how most of us want to enjoy our life is just, getting to the finish line of like retirement. So seeing your entire day as like, do I want to just

get to the finish line of retirement or do I want to like enjoy this little walk to my car and notice and I lean in. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, moving slowly. And I think I always say it, but like just starting off with one nice long, slow deep breath just to like set the tone. If you can take one slow breath, set the tone for a nice slow walk to your car where you're noticing what this is your time. You're not at work. You're walking to your car. You could listen to music if you want. You could listen to the birds.

Nobody's asking you for anything. So seeing it as like, I'm going to enjoy all the moments of these five hours instead of just the moments at the end where I get to lay on the couch for an hour, whatever it is that you're looking forward to. So the intention that I wrote for her starts off with breathe, move slowly. My focus will define my evening. Be here now. So if your mind is on all the things you want to get done, that's going to be how you spend your evening, thinking, strategizing, stressing. If your focus is on, okay, I'm walking to my car.

Now I'm driving in my car. I'm going to pick out a nice song. I'm going to make it the temperature that I want or, you know, driving to the subway. I'm going to people watch whatever your thing is. I'm in the grocery store. I'm, you know, cooking dinner. Like instead of just getting through it, being in the moment of it is going to make it a lot more enjoyable. So breathe, move slowly. My focus will define my evening. Be here now. Be here now. I love that. All right. Take it. It goes with our initial theme of thank you for this day. Yes. Yeah. All right. Let's do some triggers. We are not keeping anything bottled up and neither is Angry Orchard, our sponsor for today's episode. Angry Orchard is here to shake things up by sponsoring our triggered segment,

helping you get that sweet release. Whether it's a petty annoyance or a full-on rage spiral, your feelings deserve to be felt and then let go. Write or call in and tell us what you're triggered about this week and will help you uncap all the feelings. Okay, you want to read our one? Yeah, I will read our first, our first triggered. I'm writing in with a triggered I experienced over the weekend. I was at a hockey game and got in line for the bathroom at intermission. I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant, so when I need to go, I really need to go. A woman with two young children got in line behind me. The woman behind her said, you have kids. You should skip to the front of the line. The woman with children took her up on it and walked ahead. She didn't acknowledge me,

but asked the woman in front of me if they could go in front of her. Weirdly, she didn't try to go ahead of anyone else. So I was the only person they truly cut in line. Of course, when it was their turn, they took forever in the stalls while I waited in agony. I was so triggered by this whole situation. The worst part for me was that someone towards the back of the line decided she could speak for everyone else

and tell someone to skip over the people in front of them. The second worst part was that the woman with kids asked someone else if she could cut ahead but didn't ask me. even if they had asked, I would have looked like the bad guy if I told them no. After I had some time to cool down, I realized the other people in line might not have been able to tell I'm pregnant by looking at me and the mom might have just been in survival mode, but I still don't think it's appropriate to skip the line. You never know what someone else has going on. Dr. Naomi, I'd love your perspective as someone who's probably been through this with young kids.

Should they get priority over pregnant women or anyone else and how triggered should I be? Thanks for all you do, a pregnant batch who just has to pee. Okay. I think none of you should get priority. Yeah. Like I think there's a line. We all have to go, whether you're a child, a pregnant woman, a regular person who just really needs to go to the bathroom. Like the urge is the same for everyone.

Everyone suffers the same when they have to go. Yeah. And maybe if you're pregnant, you have to go more. But if you have to go, you have to go. Right. I get what she's saying. I'd be annoyed that they cut the line too, but I don't think she also should have been able to cut. Yes.

I think that it would be a nice gesture to say you can get in front of me. Either you're pregnant or you have kids. Yes. Me. Right. Yes. An offer is like, I am allowing you to cut me. Not I am allowing you to cut the person in front of me.

That's not, you're not offering her anything. So I could see why that's really annoying. And they're in front of her either way. Right. Yeah. Yes. That's really annoying. As far as kids having to go to the bathroom, look, just because a kid is in line for

the bathroom, they might not even need to pee at all. Right. Like sometimes I take my kids to the bathroom where I'm like, I'm going, you're coming. You're going to squeeze out a couple drops because like I'm not taking you back again. Right. So just because you're a kid doesn't mean you have to pee badly. I have had situations where there might be a kid that's like, you could tell. Like you'll see the kid that's like crossing their legs and squirming around and they might actually pee their pants.

So a kid is like a little bit more likely to probably actually pee their pants. But my personal experience as a mom is like I've never personally had my kid not able, unless they're like two and they're like in the middle of potty training, not able to make it to the bathroom and wait those couple extra minutes. But like you're saying, it's uncomfortable for anyone to have to hold their pee when they really have to go. Whether you're pregnant or not, it's uncomfortable. The sensation is the same. Like, could we have a system where everyone holds up the number of fingers of like how badly they have to go to the bathroom? Scale of one to ten. And everyone who's a ten gets to go to the front, I guess.

I think if I saw a kid that was like squirming around and like bouncing and crossing his legs, I'd be like, okay, yeah, He really looks like he has to go. I don't want you to have to deal with him sitting in his own pee for the next two hours. But I agree with you. I don't think it's uncomfortable for all of us. Yeah. And I think it would be different if she was like, my kid is like, it's like kind of an emergency. He's really got to go.

Like cannot hold it. I'm not really sure what to do here. Would you mind if just he just or she just went? Yes. And the rest of us will wait. Totally. So, yeah, I think it is annoying. that she, I don't think it's like, it's annoying that she didn't ask her because she just went to

the person that's further up. But I guess, like, technically, if you cut the line, you should ask every person that you're cutting. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I guess. That is true. I could see why this is annoying. I think it's also extra annoying because she's kind of like, I'm pregnant. Like, I literally probably even have to go to the bathroom more than this little kid who's not pregnant, just because you're a little kid. So I get it, but I agree with you. I think we all have to wait our turn. And if you are really having an emergency personally, then it's on you to say, can I kindly cut you? I'm really having an emergency. I'm, you know, however many weeks pregnant. And like, I waited too long. I'm so sorry. Whatever. Yes. Just like at the airport. Just ask.

Yes. Just state your emergency and then ask. Yes. And we've all had this experience. You're on a long car ride. You really have to pee, but you could probably make it like 45 minutes if you really had to. Right. It's not comfy. Most people, right, do not pee in their pants. Right. So, yeah, I validate how triggered. You didn't pee your pants. If you actually would have like peed in your pants because of this, I'd give it a really high score. You are uncomfortable. Maybe so are some other people. Right. The bathroom situation at this place, you know, is not ideal. Yeah. I'll give it a four. It was annoying, but not like, you know. I agree. It's annoying to have someone cut you that you don't think deserves to cut you.

Yeah, but I think her being pregnant, I don't know if that is even relevant. I don't think that's part of the equation. I think anyone who cuts without an emergency situation and doesn't ask you is kind of triggering. Right. Okay. Let's do one more. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Joanna. I listen every week.

Love the podcast. Would love your opinions. I live in a neighborhood that has an HOA and a pool for residence. When I moved in, I was given two key cards as access. I have a close friend from graduate school who lives in the area about 25 minutes for me. I'm single and I live alone, so I gave her my spare cards so that her, her husband, and her young child could use it whenever they wanted as well. I'm sure this is a big no-no as far as the HOA is concerned, but as I have to pay my dues

regardless, might as well have my friends enjoy it, too, as I don't have a family. At the end of last summer, she texted me that she had lost the key card. She did not really apologize, nor did she ask what could be done to replace it, etc. In order to get another, I have to go to the HOA office sometime Monday to Friday, 1 p.m. to 5 p.m. and write a check for $20. Certainly not a huge deal, just an inconvenience. The lady at the HOA office did imply I would not be able to get another one after this one was replaced. I'm still really bothered by my friend's blasé and unapologetic attitude towards losing the card.

Where the situation reversed, I would have been so embarrassed and would have at least asked what I could do to replace it. thoughts, a pooled off betch. Yeah, I would be irritated at this because she was doing something really nice for her. Yeah. Like I would do that. I think that's, you know, the whole like, oh, it's not okay with the HOA. I've, like, when I lived in a place like this, I was excited to like, let somebody else kind of take advantage of it. And I think it's really cool that she did that and tried to hook her friend up.

And I think it's annoying that she wasn't more apologizing. I would be annoyed about that. I mean, here's the thing. Now you know this about her. Put it in her file. She's not getting the replacement key. Yes. Give it to someone who appreciates it.

Yes, and we'll take good care of it. Yeah, I think, like, that is annoying when you're doing something nice for someone and then they kind of like don't. Man, to me, this is like a clear thing where it's like she's doing something nice. She's getting the act. Maybe she doesn't use it. Maybe, like, I don't know. She didn't send the receipts of the conversation.

she said she does not really apologize. Does that mean she didn't apologize at all? Or does that mean you wanted a, you want her feel worse about it? Yeah. Like it's hard to say without the evidence. I don't think she needed to be like really devastated about it. But it would be nice if she was like,

I'm so sorry I lost the key card. Let me know how much it is. I'm happy to replace it. So nice if you to have wanted it to us. I'm assuming that there wasn't like a, thank you so much for letting us use this. I feel really bad. Yeah. If there's a charge for it, let me know. Like, that would have been nice. Doesn't need to be like a begging for forgiveness and like groveling. But I think maybe there wasn't enough appreciation in the first place for. Right. Maybe she didn't really use it. Yeah. I would find this annoying because I hate stuff like that. Like having to go to the office and from between one and five Monday through Friday. That's annoying that there's no other, you know, you kind of almost have to like take off work to, you know, go.

key card. Yes, very, very irritating. But there's nothing you could do because you're not going to go to her and be like, I would have liked it if you would have been a little bit more apologetic. Right. Yeah, just don't give her another key card. Don't give her another card. That's sort of like action consequence kind of thing. Yeah, but don't let her squash your flame because I think it was really nice that you did this and I hope you continue to be a giving person in this way. I like the move that you tried to hook up a friend with a free pool pass, but not her. She's not going to get another one. On to the next.

Yeah. What would we give this? It's hard to say without the raw materials. Right. But if it was something like, oh, by the way, I'm trying to think how it would even come up that she lost the key card. Like did she ask her if she was going to the pool? Like, how did like, did she text her?

Hey, I lost the key card. Do you have another one? Do you know what I mean? Like I think that would be like part of it. Like if she texted her being like, hey, like do you have another key card for the pool? Like we lost it. Right. That would be like a six or six point five or something.

If she was like, hey, like, have you been to the pool lately? And she was like, no, I haven't. I actually misplaced the key card. That would be like a little bit lower, I think. Right. Yeah. I would like to see how it went down to. Yeah.

I assume it's just like I lost. the card. Even if it was like, I lost the card, sorry. Yeah. That's like she apologized. She said sorry, but like I do think like even if she said, sorry, I lost, just want to let you know, I lost the key card. Like I would still be a little annoyed at that because it's like, I'm so sorry. I lost the key card. That's probably really annoying. She needs a so in front of the sorry. She needs a so sorry. So sorry, I would get, I would be like, all right, she's sorry. Yes. Yes. You need a so sorry. Sorry is kind of like, sorry, I elbowed you as I walked by.

Right. Sorry. Oops. Yeah. No, I agree. Okay. So let's assume that the reader is intuitive enough to know that. Yeah, she wouldn't be writing in if this was, I doubt she even said sorry.

She probably said, just letting you know I lost the key card. Right. Frowny face. Six then. Six. Yeah. Yeah. Let me know when my replacement is in the mail.

Yes. I'll give it a five, five and a half maybe. Fair. Yeah. It's $20. It's $20. It is annoying. It's the inconvenience.

But yeah, this is annoying. I just, uh, she asked for another card without the So sorry, a six. Yes. I agree. All right. Well, noted, like you said, put it in her file. She doesn't get another one.

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I'm just on an apple orchard, just enjoying life, just like we talk about. Just not a care in the world. Back in the present moment, it just takes me to that place mentally. Yeah, I agree. Just listen to the tsk of your angry orchard opening. Be in the moment of all the sensations. Love it. Yes. And don't get angry. Get orchard. Learn more and find a hard cider near you at angry orchard.com slash locations. Follow Angry Orchard on Instagram at at Angry Orchard. All right, we did it. We did it. That's our time. Great work today. Betches.