Oversharing - How Long Should I Be Punished For Past Mistakes?

Episode Date: November 12, 2024

Today on Oversharing, Jordana and Dr. Naomi talk about Halloween, moving, and election stress. Our Overshare comes from a Betch who worries that her husband is struggling to let go of past difficulties in their relationship years after the issues were resolved. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a listener who is finding paternal validation in an older male coworker. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for getting back into the dating game after a long break. And we’re feeling triggered by inconsiderate party hosts and coworkers who disrespect paternity leave. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello and welcome back to oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How is it going? How was your Halloween? Oh, Halloween was great. It was actually like kind of chill. There weren't as many kids out as there were last year, which was fine.

It was great. It was beautiful weather. It was perfect. I wonder why that would be. I have no idea. I don't know. But it was, you know, it's like getting a little bittersweet because, you know, our youngest is six and he's kind of already running around with this.

Like we're not doing the thing where we're walking them by the hand up to the house and they're kind of doing their own thing. So I feel like we're kind of clingers at this point. Like we're following them around the neighborhood. Right. You're not as cool. Did you dress up? Yeah.

Well, nobody got my costume. I dressed up as a sixth grader. So I had like a Stanley water bottle and all the six grade girls. They put their lunch, you know, when you go to Lulu Lemon, they give you like a little reusable bag. Yeah. So all the middle school girls like use the reusable Lulu Lemon bag as their lunch bag. That's like a thing.

Okay. Well, that's sustainable. Yeah, it's sustainable. It's cute. Is it to like, is it to like, it's very cool? It's to like you got a Lulu Lemon thing. Um, I think, whatever. They just do it.

Um, so I was carrying like a Lulu Lemon bag and a Stanley and I had, you know, like this outfit on that was like a sixth grade. girl outfit with my, I'll send you a picture of it. But everyone just thought that I was a mom that was kind of like dressing like a teenager. Yeah. Like a like a, a, a, a, a gen Xer that thinks she's a, uh, yes, Jen Alpha. Yeah. So they didn't get it. It was kind of a bust. But I tried. Okay. And what were the kids? And, uh, you don't have Instagram so I never, I don't. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Brooks was a zombie Patrick Mahomes. He was cute. Okay. Cute. Um, they were all really cute. Lila was the girl from the Hunger Games, Katness, Everdeen.

Cute. So that was cool. She had like the all black like I'll send you pictures. And Maddie was a fairy. So she had like a pretty little fairy dress and she did sparkly makeup and she did her. Excellent choice. Little girly thing. So it was very cute.

But yes, it's it's interesting to see the, you know, evolution of Halloween. Like soon we're just going to, you know, kind of come back to sitting at home. which is fine. I see a lot of people, they just like put out a couple chairs in the front of their house and they give out candy. Yeah, watch and the kids run around and that looks like a lot of fun too. So I think that might be us next year. I feel like there's waves of like when Halloween is very intense. And it's like when you're in when you're like a kid and then when you're like in college going to parties, like early 20s parties. And then nothing for a bit. And then when you have a kid, you like get to dress them up, which to me is like, to me is like, Halloween.

is like the is like the time when all of the perks of parenthood kind of like feel like they're displayed online. Totally. Totally. I could see it being very annoying like not having kids

like the night of Halloween and seeing everyone's that's like all anyone's posting is like they're adorable little kids in their outfits. I mean it is very cute. I will. It is very cute.

It is very cute. But yeah, it does seem like the like Valentine's Day of like having kids or something. Yeah. Yes. So it's cute, but it's kind of, it's kind of, I feel like they're almost, at least Lila's maybe almost on the cusp of outgrowing it, which is sad. But we have it now.

Yeah, what's the cut off for trick-or-treating, you think? I don't know. What would you say? I feel like maybe eighth grade, ninth. So like 13. 13. 14-ish. Yeah. And then. But then, like you said, then the alternative is like, like, you wear a slutty outfit and go to a Halloween party, which I don't want that either, really. Or you just hang out. I guess they could, you know, I don't know. I'm not even going to go there. Deep breath. Deep breath. Stay in the moment.

Right. Yeah. There's going to be a, there's not much in between, I guess. Right. Yeah. I guess you could have like a wholesome Halloween party where everyone just dresses up and goes to someone's house instead of trick-or-treating. That sounds like something all the kids would be dying to go to wholesome Halloween party.

I do think that like dressing up is really fun even for adults. Like I love an adult like no kids dress up Halloween party. Like I think it's really fun. So yeah, that was all good stuff. And you moved back into your house. Have you talked about this yet? Do you want to talk about this? Sure.

I spent Halloween moving, you know, another scary, scary move. You should have dressed up during the move. I would have died to see that if you just wore a costume the entire day. That would have been funny, actually. But like me and me, we have a joke around like me, Eileen and Sammy that we are constantly, one of us is always moving. Yeah. They're like constantly moving. So we have a joke like three batch movers side company.

Yes. So I ordered a shirt because I helped Eileen move like a month ago. So I ordered a shirt. So I wore it for my move. So I was sort of a costume. Yeah. Yeah. And quick plug city. I wanted to plug lug, which who helped me with my move, who were great. It's, it's great because they're an app. And so you don't really even have to talk to anyone to like get it. You could just get it right on your phone and they show up and like you can pick the size of the van. So it's great for like any, if you have like a small move or a big move, you get to pick like the size of the truck that you have. Right. A lot of people use it for like if you're like in a store and you see something. And you know like especially like those. outlet stores where you can't they don't ship it. You have to take it yourself. So this is like you

could order this. It'll come in like half an hour to pick up like a couch that you bought that doesn't deliver it. Oh my gosh. You get a great price. That's that's amazing. I actually once bought, we really wanted the restoration hardware cloud couch, but it was like it's like $13,000 or something ridiculous. So I found it on eBay. And it was such a. pain to get it. It was like in a different state to get it shipped, but I wish I would have known about a company like lug who probably could handle something like that. Like go pick up this couch and move it to my house. Yeah. Great for like all kinds of sizes of moves, I would say. So check them out. Awesome. That sounds easy peasy. Yeah. Now I'm back in the house, which is, which is fun,

but it's like there's still people working there every day. So it feels like it's not fully ours. There's a lot of stuff going on during the day. So you can't work from home right now, in other words, just like a lot of noise? I could like after a certain hour, if I were recording during a certain time or like it's a risky move. Yeah. I would say. So I'll be recording in studio a lot more. All right.

That sounds pretty good. So, yeah. And Election Day tomorrow, which is crazy. Right. By the time this comes out, hopefully it's all over. You never know. Yeah, these days. You never know.

Everyone's so freaked out. It's crazy because I have in my groups, we're talking a lot. A lot of people have a lot of fears around the election. So we talk about it a lot. And I'm going to do a good meditation for them tonight and tomorrow morning and kind of help get people a little centered and realize like, and I know some people don't like to hear this, but we're going to be okay. You're going to be okay.

Even if something that you really don't want to happen happens, you're going to be okay. And a lot of the things are just fears of what might happen, which may or may not even end up happening. So let's just remember that. We've all been through a lot of really hard stuff. And even if the worst thing that you think is going to happen.

Happens. You're going to be fine. Yes. You're going to be okay. You're going to breathe in and out. And you're going to figure it out. And we're going to move on. And it's annoying because like your country is trying like the both sides.

Like there's so many ads. And I can't even. I don't know if you've gotten this too. Like once you register to vote, once you vote, you just get nonstop texts and emails and like all the ads are like so mean. Like you do. Like stop screaming. And they're like fear mongering and like so intense and they're like, I guess they're effective

because I remember them. But I'm just like, just want to watch a show without like having a doomsday like, I don't know. I like and it's just weird because it's like these are the people, like they're all paid for by the people who are running. So it's like it's like it reminds me a little bit of, you know, like my parents divorce. I don't know about your parent, probably your parents divorce too, where it's like both sides are trying to make you like hate the other side so much. And I'm like, I thought like this is, you guys are all like, we're all existing like in service of us. Yeah. Right. I thought this was all supposed to be in our best interest. Stop trying to scare the shit out of me and make me angry. Yeah. Right. Like it's a, it's weird elections actually do kind of

trigger like childhood fighting for me like in fighting or people just you know especially the debates yeah those debates and like everyone's just screaming at each other um yeah the all caps text coming in right back off okay I'll ask my father for money for the glasses like just leave me alone exactly it's just like it doesn't feel like it doesn't it feels like it's lost the sense of like in service of you yeah You know, it feels like it's about winning and losing. Like the adults in the room. These are supposed to be like...

Our collective American parents. Yes. Oh, gosh. Couldn't be farther from that. And I agree. All the ads and all that stuff, it just makes me really feel distant from all of it. And both of the candidates and both parties.

And it just makes me want to back away from the entire thing. Because it all just seems like you said, not when you're like trying to manipulate me emotionally. I don't like the way that feels. Right. Yeah. So we'll see how it goes. This might all feel weird depending on how everything goes.

But again, pretty sure we're all going to be okay. And you'll find out next week if we actually are. Yes. If we are all still breathing in and out. If you need a meditation, you can listen to one in our subscription. We offer meditations for the intensity of the political, you know, the politics and being around that. I know it's very anxiety-inducing for a lot of people. Or you can join one of Dr. Naomi's groups and how do they do that? Yeah, so you can just go to my website, Naomi Bernstein.com,

and send us out a forum of what you're interested in signing up for. Yeah, if you feel after this election that you do not like the way it turned out or you're upset or you need to process your fears around what might happen as a result one way or the other, we do a lot of that. trying to just accept that fear is going to exist and kind of learning not to be afraid of being afraid. So that's a big theme of what we do because we're going to be afraid all the time. That's just part of existing on this planet. So if you're interested in joining one of my groups, definitely check out my website, Naomi Bernstein.com. You can learn more about it. You can send me a form. And yeah. Great way to get access to you. I feel like you don't really take,

you're not taking on too many new patients, right? Now, individual patients, I have a pretty long wait list, to be honest. So, I mean, you could still get on the wait list, but it's probably going to be a while. But yes, if you feel connected to me, if you feel like, you know, you'd like to let me know what's going on in your life and hear a little bit about how I can help you move through that. Also, the amazing group of that we just have such a beautiful community there. So you have access to me. You'll have access to this amazing community. Yeah.

So an individual is not really, that's probably not going to happen for a while. So come head up a group. I think, I think these listeners are really like it. Thank you. I can still talk to you. Yeah. Naomi Bernstein.com. That's it.

Burnstein.com. Let's get into our show. Let's do it. All right. I'll read our first email. Hello, Dr. Naomi and Aunt Jojo. Huge fan. I've been listening since day one.

and I love both of your perspectives. I'm currently facing a sensitive issue and I'm seeking some advice. My husband and I have been married for two and a half years and have a nine-month-old baby. We've been together for 11 years in total. Our relationship has improved significantly over the years, and we now have a wonderful, communicative, and loving partnership. However, when we first started dating, we went through a toxic phase, frequent fights and drama. Honestly, how I treated him as embarrassing and disappointing. My husband has expressed regret about this period once before. He recently got dinner with a friend that made a comment that it's crazy how great of a couple we are because remember back in the day, you guys were always fighting and she used to yell at you.

This triggered feelings of disappointment sadness and anger about how he spent his 20s. He feels that he wasted his time and wishes things had been different back then. He wishes we didn't stay together and then got back together years later or that it just never happened and we were loving to each other. He regrets that the beginning of his relationship with his wife wasn't more picture perfect. I want to support him and listen to his feelings. I understand that he loves our family, but is troubled by the past. I'm worried about the impact of these feelings on our relationship and our future.

I'm seeking advice on how to handle this situation and how to support my husband through his regrets. Is there something I'm doing wrong now to make him go there after his talk with his friend? Is there anything I can do today to make him not care about it so much? I want to find a way to address these feelings and move forward positively as a couple. I want this issue to be put to bed, but I feel like it keeps coming back. back. Thank you for reading. I hope this makes sense. And I apologize. It's too long. Please help signed a sad betch. All right. This is an interesting question. Yeah. I feel like it's kind of a version of like when someone cheats and the other person can't really get it like you stay together,

but the other person can't, doesn't seem like they can fully get over it. Totally. That's a great. Yeah, I agree with that because it's almost like, but you were capable of that. So that, you know, it like makes me feel a little bit differently knowing that you were capable of that plus the like what you put me through. There's so many layers to this. There's that. There's like, you're capable of that. And then there's the like I wasted, not, I don't know about wasted, but I spent a lot of time being really sad and angry and hurt. And then there's that pesky ego part, which I think might be coming up because his friend brought it up. Right. You think he feels like he's afraid he looks like a loser because he stayed with this person? Yeah, or just like embarrassed that he put up with it.

You know, like I think that is that, and he ended up with her and now she's great, but I think during, it's not even now, it's probably during that time realizing that everyone was probably like, oh my gosh, what is this guy doing? Like, that there were probably a lot of thoughts from his friends about him that he maybe was unaware of that are now coming up. Right now feel safer to say and it's a little embarrassing for him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So this is, I think there's an ego blow and then there's possibly like, what could I have been doing? doing in my 20s if I wasn't like, you know, fighting with you outside the bar at two o'clock in the morning and then like, you know, texting back and forth all day and getting jealous and who, I don't know what was going on there, but it definitely doesn't sound fun. And he probably could have been out doing a lot of more fun things and fighting with her. Did I waste my, you know, peak prime years writing with you? I could, I could see the resentment of that. On the other hand, it's kind of like everything you do kind of leads you to where you are.

and it sounds like things are good now. So I could see why it's a little annoying. She's like, how many times do I have to pay for this phase of my life? She was also probably younger. They've been together 11 years. So I mean, like I feel like a lot of times relationships go through multiple phases. Yeah. Yes.

And similarly to a breakup, I think sometimes part of why the betrayed partner, and if this really is as one-sided as they're saying it is, which it sounds like they both agree that it was more her. than him. But part of healing from any type of betrayal type thing like this is that the person who's on the receiving end wants to know, like, how do I know this isn't going to happen again? So there might be, you know, they have a new baby. I don't know if any dynamics are changing there.

And sometimes you just need to give a little bit. It feels annoying sometimes, but you might have to give repeated reassurances of, I remember what I did. I remember the time I did this and the time I did that, and how painful that must have been for you. And I think sometimes people want to know that you understand why, what was going on for you, that that happened, which feels like a reassurance that it's not going to happen again.

So if she can say, well, I was going through this and this is what I was feeling and this is why I was acting like that, it might make him feel, one, that she's like really giving it some serious thought and actually cares about how it affected him. and two, that maybe if those other factors aren't happening, that it won't happen again. So he does seem like she might need to lean in a little bit harder on this. And I can understand why she doesn't want to because she's probably embarrassed about the way that she used to act.

So it's like when you're kind of embarrassed, I feel like you try to avoid talking about the thing and you're just kind of like want to pretend it never happened, which I understand the urge to do. but then the other person kind of feels like, well, what do they do with those emotions? Yes, exactly. And we did the meditation on embarrassment. And part of what we talked about is like being embarrassed is so physical.

Like there's so many physiological reactions in your body that happen when you're embarrassed that we all want to avoid. So going back on purpose into this place. And I'm glad you made the analogy with cheating because I think it is very similar. where the person who cheated, like, doesn't want to keep talking about it because they feel embarrassed, they feel shameful. They don't want to keep going back to that shameful place. But when they don't want to go there, the other person is left kind of holding the bag on their own. Right. Because they're still thinking about it because they're still scared, you know, that it's going to happen again or they're still grieving, like, the loss of the innocence of their trust and all that stuff. So yeah, so I would encourage her you're going to have to walk through that dark tunnel of shame, I think, in order to really be there for him in a way that it's, and I'm not saying you have to do it forever, but for some reason, because the conversation with the friend or because maybe you have a new baby and maybe there have been moments where you've been a little, you know, snippy or on edge and he's like seeing something brewing perhaps or I'm not sure. I'm obviously speculating on that. And I'm sure there was like moments where he thought about, they thought about breaking up, right? And then didn't. Or like considered breaking up. And then whenever you make a choice, I think you always probably think of the alternative of that choice. Or you think about it a lot, probably. And so like he chose to stay with you. But maybe there's something in the back of his head, which it doesn't mean that your relationship isn't great now and that it's not good and that it won't last. But I think there probably something in the back of his head of like what would life have been like if I took a different route here?

Right. Right. And it does sound like he's happy with this taking this route. But yeah, I think there's like some shame on his part around allowing that to happen. I think that happens a lot. Because he stayed in it. Nobody, you didn't force him. You didn't handcuff him to the, you know, bed. So he probably feels some shame in allowing himself to be treated like that, which I get. So I, yeah, I think you're going to have to do a little, you know, a season of repair. And then hopefully we'll go away for a little while and he'll feel more safe and secure and okay. I mean, I want him to talk to you about it versus talking behind your back about it. So he's coming to you with it, which is great. Lean in.

And maybe it'll come back in six months. Maybe it won't. Yeah. And I can see why she's like there's more hesitancy than in cheating for her to fully confront it because it's not like there was this betrayal, it wasn't like black and white. And again, she started, if they started dating in her early 20s, maybe you're just learning how to be in a relationship and maybe you're not the best version.

I think people assume, like at least I did, I think, that once you get in a relationship, like everything falls into a place or that everyone knows how to be in a healthy relationship. And I think for a lot of people, it's a lot of like trial and error and figuring it out and learning how to communicate, which doesn't really come that naturally to that many people. So I don't think she has to like beat herself up forever. If that's how she used to communicate with him when she first started dating him, it's not like she had some enormous betrayal that I know of, that I know of. Right.

So I do think there's a little bit of, I think he could show her a little bit of grace on his side of like, we were growing up together. We made mistakes. Maybe you made more than me. Right. Yes. No, I agree. It doesn't, it does sound like they had, you know, these growing pains together.

I think it's probably mostly triggered by the friend, like his ego. I think that's like I'm, maybe I'll stereotypically like more of a male thing of like, oh, you know, you like let a woman treat you like that. Like what kind of man are you? So I think there might be some of this ego stuff that's coming up that in the moment he was so wrapped up in it that he didn't even care about any of that. But now that he's kind of matured and evolved and he has a better sense of self, he's kind of like, yeah, why did I put up with that?

You know, like, that's not a good look for me. So, yeah, this is a great question because I think this happens with a lot of couples. And maybe you don't talk about it because you don't want to go there to that old place. It didn't feel good for anyone. And there is a lot of shame probably on both sides. But next time he brings it up or maybe you can bring it up. And if there's a couple of specific instances, I always say there's bonus points. if you can, in couples therapy, if you can say the thing, give an example of the thing

that's hurting your partner without them having to say it first. Right. When you did this at that time and we had that huge fight, this is why I did that. Yes. It's like the magic pill because it's like you get it, you understand me. You're giving an example that he didn't already give to you of that time that I did this thing. and it was in front of these people and it embarrassed you or whatever. Like, I totally see why that, you know,

probably sticks in your mind. And I'm really sorry that that happened. And this is why and kind of give him that. I think it'll make him feel really seen. And hopefully this whole thing can get pushed to the back of his mind. Agreed. Good luck. I was not what that works.

All right. Let's do a betcha sis. Do you want to read this one? Yes, I will read this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I love the pod and recently started a new position with a, considerable commute. I appreciate so much having both of you along with me for the ride. Actually, my overshare has to do with this new job. I work with an older guy who's super nice and very

funny. He's always telling me that he admires my skill in different tasks and my confidence in my role. I'm really proud of myself for getting this job and I feel really acknowledged by the whole team, but I'm especially proud of impressing this older guy. I get the warm, fuzzy feelings whenever he tells me I'm doing a good job in the same way you'd feel if you impressed your dad. but I feel kind of weird about it. For context, my relationship with both of my parents was always pretty distant and strained, and my dad hasn't been in my life since I was a child. Both of my parents have died now, and I've been feeling the void left in my life more recently.

For most of my life, I've found replacement parents and other friends' parents, professors, and supervisors. It makes me feel happy to have people to look up to, but still sort of sad because they aren't my actual parents. So I guess my question is, is it weird to parentify your own? older coworkers. Is it unhealthy to value other people's opinions of me so much because they remind you of your parents? How do I stop parentifying all older people in my life and heal the wounds left by my distant parents? Thanks, a betch with daddy issues. This is an interesting one. Totally. She had an overshare, but I put it in betcha assist because I felt like I wasn't really sure if this was a problem. Yeah. You know, I wanted to get your thing. Yeah, I think the fact that she's

introspective about it and aware of it makes it like much less of a problem. Like if she was just walking around clinging to every older male person that gave her any positive feedback totally unaware, I'd say like that might become sticky, which is why some people transfer like romantic feelings there. Right. I was going to say it would feel I feel like more inappropriate if it was like a sexual relationship or if she had like it felt like there was like a power dynamic imbalance. And he was taking advantage of that in some way or like, you know what I mean, this, this whatever unhealed stuff she has from childhood. But I mean, the tendency, I guess, feels, it probably feels a little weird, but I don't know that there's anything inherently wrong with it.

Do you think that there is a problem? No, I mean, I think people, she's talking about like caring so much what other people think of them. I think everyone who's listening here, if you have a boss or a supervisor or a manager or somebody that has more power than you in your career, that you care what they think about you. Like, I think that's very normal. I think she's getting more than just like, you know, she's getting the warm and fuzzies, which I think is kind of like this longing for someone who sees you

and says something nice to you and, like, has that, you know. A mentorship. Yes. Thing, right. Which honestly, I think is okay. I don't think it's, I mean, from the, that we hear, I think it's like not that crazy that she's yearning for that, especially because both of her parents are, you know, they're dead. And that's, you know, really hard to kind of not

have any, I don't know how old she is, does she say? I think so. Any feeling of being taken care of it doesn't necessarily sound like she ever had that, but especially now to feel like you're a little bit alone in the world is probably like isolating. Yes. And totally. I think that's huge. You know, when someone has lost both parents, I mean, we talk sometimes even just about having like a safety net in terms of like a financial safety net. But this is like there's no net at all. There's no like anyone that's going to give you any of that parental stuff or not even any hope to get it because they're, you know, they're gone. So I would cut yourself some slack here.

I think this is a probably somewhat normal reaction. given what you've gone through and where you are. I agree. I think if it's not leaning towards the romantic side, I think that's different because then you're intertwining all these other needs with this need to feel like you have a parental figure. I think human beings have been doing that for ages with like mentors and teachers and leaders and, you know,

coming back to the beginning of this conversation where we're like, okay, we want these presidential candidates it's to feel like parental. Like they're looking out for us. Right. So I think it's normal that we want that. I think the issue maybe that we can help her with is this idea of like, you know,

kind of grieving the loss of her parents in a way that feels, I mean, you're never going to get over that. You're never just going to be totally fine with it. But, you know, healed the wounds. Especially a dad that left when you were, seems like,

was not around even when she was a kid. I think that's probably a, my dad hasn't been in my life since I was a child. So I think there's probably like multiple levels to the grave there. Totally. Yeah. And, you know, I'm hoping that you've, you know, this is a deep grief. I'm hoping that you've been in some kind of therapy around it.

But one of the things that we do, which I think is a really great exercise for a lot of people, we do it in my groups, is we'll do sort of like a meditation technique where it's almost like you are kind of, it's like a bordering on like a hypnosis where you're kind of like getting into a very deep, relaxed state, and then you bring yourself back and, you know, do this with caution. So anyone that would try to, I wouldn't really recommend doing this on your own if you have any type of trauma. But you kind of get yourself into a very relaxed state. Bring yourself back to a time in your life where you're in your childhood room or you're somewhere that you were when you were a child and you were having big feelings and kind of picturing yourself as a child

and then you yourself as an adult, and this is all done in your imagination and this meditative state, you as an adult come to yourself as a child and there you figure out what did I need to hear and being able to kind of give that to yourself. So your adult self now comes to your child's in that setting where you needed something from a parent but didn't get it. And it helps you figure out, hey, what did I want to hear? What do I need to hear? And then kind of make that connection of like, perhaps I can, as a fully formed adult, give that to myself.

So it might help her feel a little bit less needy to be getting it from other people because she realizes like, I can give this to myself. I don't need this man. That exercise. Yeah. You can do that alone. Without a therapist? Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't recommend it if you have any type of like intense childhood trauma, sexual trauma or physical abuse because it could bring you to a, you know, to a scary place.

But if it's just kind of like. Right. Right. Right. Right. If it's run of the mill, like emotionally unavailable parent or, you know, just kind of that type of experience where you were just kind of like alone in a space feeling big feelings and nobody was generally feeling. feeling let down. Yeah. I think you can go and do this and kind of visualize. It really does help to get deep into the visualization of like, what was your favorite, you know, shirt? I think a lot of kids have

like that one shirt that they wore like all the time, all the time, like picturing yourself, like wearing that shirt, sitting in that space and then your most confident, amazing moment as an adult walking in and being like, hey, I got you. This is what you're special, you're beautiful, you're amazing. Like, I love you. You're so loved. Like you have a place in this world or whatever it is that you needed to hear as a kid. So it is a powerful exercise. People seem to really enjoy that. I'm going to do that whenever the election triggers my parents. Yes. My parents' divorce. I'm sorry that I didn't come into your room and give you a little more what you needed. I was busy being a teen. major. You might have. You were in college, I think. Yeah. Yeah. It's okay. I forgive me.

Just in there reading Harry Potter. Book after book. You know, it was funny. It's like my escape a little bit. Yeah. It's like this like fantasy world. That was kind of the beauty of books. I remember like as a kid. It was just like you get to be in a whole other world. Totally. Let's do some intentions. You ready? Let's do it. Okay. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. Long time you up. listener and recently started listening to Oversharing. I love all your thoughtful advice and was hoping you could help me set an intention. I'm a single 36-year-old woman. Aside from a couple of relationships, I spent a lot of my adult life doing app dating, which has been a mix of horrible dates and good dates, which end with me getting ghosted. And this has been a huge source of anxiety. I've been single for

close to four years, and for the last two years, I have barely been dating at all. And it basically accepted how my life is now and don't expect that I will ever meet anyone. I know this sounds awful and negative, but it's easier to think this way than to be constantly disappointed. Plus, I have a lot of friends and hobbies that keep me occupied and fulfilled, and I've honestly been much happier this way compared to when I was dating a lot and constantly stressed. A few days ago, I had a really great first date, and we have a second date coming up. He seems very authentic, and I think we're a great match in many ways. This will be my first second date in a very long time, especially with someone I'm cautiously excited about.

I'm already feeling so in my head, overthinking everything I do in I also try not to get too excited about anyone because I'm so afraid of being rejected and disappointed. I know that my negativity is not helping me with dating, but I also feel like I need to protect myself. I would love an intention you could offer on how to manage my mindset with dating. Jaded. I love this email because it makes me think, you know, like there is a safety in opting out

of things because you have nothing to lose and so your life feels a lot more steady. So like sometimes it can, and I mean, we've talked about this before, like we think we talked about an article about people who like stop dating. Right. Sort of for that very reason because to be in the highs and lows of things is really anxiety written. And it got me thinking like, you know, if we could all care like a medium amount about things, it would be so much easier to handle.

Yeah. But when you don't have something and you want it so badly, like it's just so hard to be like, I'm going to do this casually while I live the rest of my life. And like if it goes well, it goes well. And if it doesn't, it doesn't. Like it doesn't. It's so hard to care about things that you don't have. have and want in a medium way.

Yes. In like a casual, like, see what happens. Right. Right. Yes. And it all, it really comes from the mind. Like we, all the things that we want is because we've either experienced it at some point and it made us feel really, really good and we want that feeling again.

Or we've created a imaginary scenario of what that thing is going to feel like. when we get it. So ultimately, it's like what we're seeking is this feeling. We're not really seeking the thing. We're seeking the feeling that we think the thing is going to give us. So in realizing that, you can kind of just, you know, recognize that when your mind does this protective thing and preparing and it's like taking us out of the ability, like by nature, there's no way you're going to be protecting and preparing and analyzing and overanalyzing and also feeling that feeling that you're looking for. Like you cannot do both things at the same time. Well, you might get that when you get the text back or when you get the third date request,

you might be getting that in the middle of your anxiety though. You might be getting the little rush. Yes. So you might intermittently just that thing might come to you and you might get that little, that feeling of whatever it is that it is that you're looking for. You might get that feeling in that moment, but it's not you thinking about all the rest of that stuff and preparing. That's not creating that feeling at all. If anything, it's like moving you, I think, further away from that. Because I think what happens a lot with dating and I totally get it so I don't want

this to, I totally validate. So I don't want this to come off like it's so easy. But I think when you want it so badly and you're going out there and you're trying and not just, I mean, go out there. Like put yourself out there. But when you're in your own mindset, when you're out there, you're not present in that moment of being out at the bar or being on a date or just going to the dog park with your dog and you're like overthinking everything that's happening. you're giving out an energy that's not you, really. It's not like your presence. It's not your natural state of like enjoying life. Your best self.

Yes. It's like this almost kind of like a little bit of a desperate energy. Like I like a. No, totally. But it's like how do you get out of that if you want something so badly? Like how do you like dispel the desperate energy? Like I understand why. She's like the only way to get rid of this desperate energy is to just take myself out of the game,

which is why she said she hasn't really dated it in the past couple of years. Right. And I get that because it can feel like, why feel like extreme highs and lows when I could just feel like fine all the time. Right. And my suggestion, and it's not easy and it's a practice. And again, it's like this is why meditation or consciousness or awareness is so important for anything that you're going through is because you can pull, you have the capacity to pull yourself out of that energy by recognizing that it's the mind that's fueling that. It's not really what's happening that's fueling that because you could be paying

attention to a thousand things that are happening in that moment. It's your mind that's fueling that desperate energy. So when you have those thoughts of like, let's say she's on this date and the guy shows up and he looks really good and he smells good and she's super attracted to him and she's liking him a lot. And her mind goes to that place of like, oh, what if I shouldn't have said that? And what if I, oh, my God, like, maybe this dress is to this. And what if he thinks that? And like, I shouldn't. Okay. Deep breath. Relax the face. Relax the shoulders. Recognize that your mind is taking over. And that is, that's what leads to that desperate energy. It's not the fact that you're on the date. It's not the fact that you want this. It's the mind chatter.

around it and what if it doesn't happen and that intense seeking and kind of just coming back to remembering like it's not that guy that you want it's not it's the feeling that you think he potentially could give you down the line in your life yes right yeah and that might take the pressure off of this guy this date what he thinks that there's there's like a heart opening feeling that you're going to that you're looking for and this might be. sound cheesy to some people, but I do think there's something really to be said for that heart opening feeling. You can have that with a friend. You can have that with a family member. You can have that with a cute child or like a pleasant interaction. There's like a feeling, a heart opening

connected feeling. Obviously, it's amazing when it's tied to like romance and intimacy and sex and life partnership and having like that safety of a partner in life. But the moment of that feeling, that's in you. That comes from within you. And then you're, you know, pinning those hopes onto this person. So I know this is not, this isn't the easiest thing, but I do think the anxiety around it doesn't come from the dating. It comes from your thoughts about the dating. So if you can just step back, be separate from your thoughts, recognize that your thoughts are the things that are making you feel upset about this, not the actual guy and your ego when you get ghosted. Obviously, that feels horrible. But you're the same person that you were the day before

you got ghosted. Right. So do you have any, what are the intentions that she can say to herself when she's before this date or when she's just, you know, thinking he's never going to call or there's going to be a third date or whatever it is. Right. I mean, the intention that I wrote for her really centers around recognizing that the feeling that she's longing for is in her already. So it's not this person I'm longing for. It's the feeling I think they will give me. What I'm longing for comes with comes from within me. And I think that will give her a little bit more power over this date that like instead of going into it like I need him to like me in order for me to get this feeling. Like if you're on the date and you're in your head and you're anxious when you're around him, you're not having that

feeling. So if you can just soften, recognize when your mind is being pulled out, you're more likely to have that feeling. And if you're having that feeling and you're putting out that really calm, kind of like accepting, not clinging energy, I think he's more likely to kind of receive that and feel comfortable in that energy as well. So I think it works. One, it's better for you. Yeah. You feel better. And two, I think it does and it's not, it does kind of get the person to be in a better energy field with you and maybe perhaps be more interested. I think sometimes people, you know, sniff that desperation and they want to kind of run the other way because it feels like, I don't want to be controlled. I don't want to get into something I can't get out of. I don't want

to have a force pulling me that's not, doesn't feel natural. Yeah. Yeah. And I totally validate that it was hard to not have that feeling when you've been rejected or had bad, you know, dating outcomes a lot of the time. Like it does feel like very, your mind wants to protect you, like we always say. So your mind is like telling you the anxiety, telling you all these things are like, likely don't get too excited. Don't do this, whatever it is. I think this is a really great intention. And you could use it for a lot of different things.

You could use it for a job that you really want, anything you really want. Because I think that's a great point. Like it really is more about the feeling you think that it'll give you than whatever the thing you're longing for. Yes. And people for some reason, we don't. want to accept that the answer to a lot of this is pretty simple. It's distancing yourself from these protective thoughts that, like, run the show, and taking a deep breath and relaxing your body.

Like, we want to believe that there's some intricate, huge, you know, process. Yes, it's practice. You have to practice it. It's not just going to happen. It's just putting in the time repetition to notice. Notice these thoughts that are pulling you out of your peace. There's no, it's not, it doesn't have to be that complicated. Notice the thoughts, distance yourself from them.

Relax, relax your face, relax your shoulders, take a deep breath, and then come back into that moment. Because it's really, it's, no moment is going to fix it for you. There's no person that you're going to find that's going to be the cure for ever having this feeling again. just going to be a different thing you're going to have the feeling about. Right. Totally. All right. Well, good luck. Let me give us to try. See if it improves your dating life. Yeah. Keep us posted. I would really love to hear updates. So, um, same. Oversharing at Betches.com. Oversharing a Betches.com. By the way, if you guys have a voicemail, you can leave us a voicemail at 646-363-6294. Let's do some triggers. All right. I will read this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi.

me love the pod so much and I'm curious about your take on this. My college friends and I, plus significant others, get together every November for a friend's giving. My husband, who's a chef and I love to host things like this, but months ago, my one friend, let's call her Jill, offered her apartment. She lives in the city and the rest of our friends live in the suburbs, but we're happy to make the commute. Jill sent out a shared list for everyone to add their contributions to, and under her name, she added pigs in a blanket and salad. Pigs in a blanket and salad? I was shocked. Usually if you host, don't you provide the main dish and everyone else brings appetizers, sides, dessert? I can't help but think because my husband is a chef that

Jill just assumed he would cook the main dish. Not only is that more expensive, but it takes a lot more preparation slash time and now we have to lug a turkey into the city. Anyway, how triggered can I be foul attitude betch? Funny. Funny. Funny. I don't think this is triggering. I didn't know that you're supposed to do the mains if you host. Yeah. Is that a rule that's like everyone, I mean, is that an Emily Post thing? I think you're asking the wrong two people.

If you're looking for etiquette help on this. But I also think this is not triggering because it's kind of like she's throwing the party. Let her worry about the main. Like you sign up for what you want to make. and let the chips fall where they may. I can see if she came to you and was like, okay, so you guys are making the turkey. Right, she was assigning you something.

Yes. Let it be if no one signs up for turkey, maybe she'll make it or not. But it's not really your responsibility. The beauty of you not hosting is that you don't even have to worry about this. Yeah, I think she's making a lot of assumptions about like the fact that our husband's a chef, that there's all these expectations. Like no one, it doesn't sound like anyone has said any of that.

She just said this is what she's making. Yes. She's making this. And maybe what she would do, honestly, if I were hosting, I might do the same thing. I put it out there and be like, look, this is what I want to make. This is what you guys make. And if I'm hosting and it's like a week before the event and no one has signed up for a main, I'll make it. But like, maybe someone else wants to.

Like, let's see what happens when we put it out there and see who decides to make what. Right. It sounds like she's a little bitter that she has to go all the way into the city to go to this thing that the friend hosted when she maybe doesn't feel like she's equipped to host. Right. And now she's like annoyed that seemingly she has to bring the turkey, which again, it doesn't sound like anyone told her she has to do. Right. And look, you know, I completely agree with that. I think that, you know, they like. She lives in the city. It's fine. We're all going to go. Right. But they like to host. So they're probably a little disappointed that they're not hosting. So maybe she's looking for things to kind of be like, well, I would have done it better.

Right. She sounds like her mother-in-law. Like, you don't need that from your friend. Yes. Yes. No, I would agree. I have heard this, though, that when there's like a chef in the mix, that there are certain expectations of what that person is going to do. And a lot of times what I've noticed when I have spent time with chefs is that they especially

don't like to cook, I think, when they're not. not working because that's what they do for work. So I have noticed that that like other people are like, ooh, yay, like the chef is here. They're going to make something delicious. And he's like, no, I'm ordering pizza because like I cook every day for work and I'm not going to be doing that at all. Right. So I will validate that piece that there might, that might again coming back from her past experience and what's sitting in her brain protecting her is maybe this has happened in the past. but I'm going to like give this a one or two tops. I'll give it.

I think it's a one. I don't think it's triggering. I think it's pigs in a blanket and salad sounds great. Salad's expensive. It requires a lot of different ingredients. Yes. And prep and cutting and yeah. I agree.

I really think that, you know. She's the problem. Yeah. Like, and if you don't worry about it. She's hosting. You sign up for what you want to do. And let her, if there's no main dish, I'm sure she'll figure it out. Watch, she's going to write us back in in like three weeks and be like she asked us to make the turkey the day before.

Because nobody signed up for it. If that's the case, we'll retract our rating. Yes, we'll raise the number. We'll edit it. But for right now, let go. Let go of control. I think it's a little bit of like a control issue because this isn't how she would do it. but let go.

I'm sure it'll be beautiful. However it turns out, yeah. It's so funny because Jeff is really into cooking, so he does most of the cooking. And if he's ever away for the weekend, it's like that. It's like pigs in a blanket and frozen peas. Right.

Dinner is served. I mean, I get it. It's like you don't want to, you know, that whole point is you want to break from those things. Yeah. I get the chef not wanting, but I don't think anyone is, if anyone, if she had said,

that, I would think would have been higher, but no one has said that. It seems like a projection. Projection alert. Should have a projection sound effect. That'll be good. Right. Okay, let's do another one. All right. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, my wife and I are big fans of the podcast and had a trigger come up a few weeks ago that we wanted your opinion on. For some context, I work in a marketing agency and lead a small team of three. We manage reporting and analytics for all of the company's roughly 200 clients, which means we often have a heavy workload. My wife was pregnant with our first child this year and gave birth on October 1st. Fortunately, my company has a generous paternity leave policy,

and I was excited to spend some time away from work to focus on my wife and our newborn. I made sure to hire some contractors to pick up the workload during my leave and prepared plenty of documentation beforehand so that my team and coworkers would be in the best position possible. Here's where the trigger moment comes in. Two hours after my wife gave birth, I received a Slack notification on my phone that said, Hi, congratulations on the baby. Sorry to bother.

The client resolved their form issue. Are you able to see if conversion tracking was working? I was stunned that this coworker on a separate team thought this would be an appropriate time to reach out about a routine task. I couldn't help but share this with my wife because of how ridiculous it seemed. We laughed it off.

I didn't respond and forgot about it until a few weeks later when my wife mentioned I should share the story with you. My wife told me I should have replied with something like, you can't be serious. But I just ignored the message because I wanted to spend the day celebrating my child and not getting riled up about work.

If your coworker reached out about a task, just hours after your partner gave birth, how triggered would you be? What do you think? Yeah, first of all, I think he had the perfect response. I don't think he, I think ignoring it was appropriate. Appropriate. I definitely wouldn't have responded

because then you're getting into it back and forth, which is pulling you away from being present with your new baby and your wife. Yeah, this is just, this is kind of triggering. I would definitely, like, give it a decent rating because it's just rude and inconsiderate. Right. It would almost be less triggering if he didn't say congrass on the baby,

like if he didn't know. He didn't know. Yeah. Let's say she had it that day and he just didn't know that you were out. But the fact that he said that means, like, he knew that you're, he clearly knew that she had just given birth. Yeah.

I mean, it must be someone that just has no clue. Like, just has no clue, like what that, the significance of, like, bringing a new human life into the world. is, you know, they, so I almost feel like it's so off that like it, it's like this, this person has no idea. And you can just do exactly what he did, which is look at it, laugh and not respond. And then it's not as triggering because like requires nothing from you. Just don't answer.

I think the triggering part is sort of like the idea. I think that, and he doesn't seem to be that triggered by it, but if he was, I wouldn't blame him. like the idea that paternity leave is like not a real thing. Right. Right. Maybe if it was her, this person wouldn't have done it. Which I've heard.

Yeah. Which I've heard about a lot of companies, especially like in New York where there's this expectation of like, there's paternity leave, but like don't take it because that's not like manly. Right. Or like you should be like it's expectation of like you should always be working or, you know, like if you're truly a good worker like you'll answer like at any point. Like if I feel like there's like this.

a culture of like a men's bragging rights of like and I went back to work out an hour after my baby was born. Yes. Yes. I definitely can see that and I don't I don't think it bothered him. But yeah, that's definitely a point, a good point that there is a culture of like an expectate, like a different expectation for the bonding of the dad and the baby than the mom, which is really important, you know, and you don't, you know, I think fathers have. that same feeling that moms have, which is like, I want to be part of this baby's first memories here on earth. And I want to like be present and not answering questions random. And this wasn't even, I mean, I can see why they included the actual question because I don't know any, I have no idea

what they're talking about. But like, it still don't get it. Yeah. It seems mundane and something like that they could have found out from seven other people besides this brand new dad. Right. I mean, one thing if it was like an absolute emergency, like, and prefaced with like, even if it was prefaced with like, I hate to bother you. Like I've tried every, I tried asking every other person, like, feel free to ignore this. Yes. Yes. If you happen to have like 30 seconds just to let me know, like there was none of, there were no, none of those qualifiers. Totally. I completely agree. And the day of, which is like, right, even if it was like five days later or something, four days later.

Not even a so sorry to bother you. Yeah. Crazy. Yeah. This is kind of crazy. Now that you put it, there's so many better ways that that could have been presented. This person just sounds completely aloof.

I wouldn't be surprised if they're like, I don't know, a 23-year-old boy or something. Maybe at 20, yeah, maybe at like 23, I might be like, people take off for this.

I don't know. Yeah. Oh, gosh. No, this is triggering. I'll definitely, I would, I'll give this a five.

I would agree. He doesn't seem that triggered. And the fact that the beauty of it, though, is that you could ignore it. Like, almost if this was maybe like your boss or somebody that you were afraid was going to get angry or like if there was some consequence for not responding or it was a question that like needed to be responded to. Like if there was some consequence to him just ignoring it, I would rate it even higher. but the fact that he's like, oh my God, this is ridiculous. I'm not answering. Move right along.

Yeah, but I still think. I agree. Your wife is correct in being triggered. I'm glad you wrote in. It definitely is triggering. But the beauty is you do not have to answer every message that comes through your phone. So look that. Let's give it a five.

We did it. I think we did it. This is a good episode. Good luck. Everybody, this is going to be out after the election. But good luck. deep breaths. We got this.

See you next week. All right. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Rebecca Steinberg. Editing by Will Maxwell. Guest booking by Allie Friedlander. Be sure to follow us on Instagram and everything's fine.

And send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.