Oversharing - How Much Should I Share About My Ex?

Episode Date: June 13, 2023

Dr. Naomi had second thoughts about last week’s Triggered scenario, so she and Jordana revisit their positions on “the moaning yogi.” A listener writes in with an Overshare email about how she feels after her husband stopped engaging in sex during her recent pregnancy. Should you be offended if your partner’s attraction ebbs and flows? Next, the Betchicist question comes from a listener who is planning to meet up with her ex’s new girlfriend. Is it ethical to compare notes about an ex, and how much can you disclose about what it was like to date them? They respond to a request for intentions from an emailer who often finds herself looking to “jump ship” even when things are going well. Finally, this week’s Triggered scenarios include a technical-difficulties dig, and a copycat MIL. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promo Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. What's up? How are things?

Things are good. I'm trying to think. I was actually thinking about been back on my hot yoga kick. Oh, the past few days. And I was thinking about that listener, that email that we had about the groaning, the moaning yoga. Moaning yogi. The moaning yogi. Sounds like a name of a very creepy workout studio.

But I was, you know, I was thinking about it. And I do think that my initial feeling on that was like, yeah, this is uncomfortable. and this is kind of weird. But as I was doing my yoga session, there were like a couple of moments where I did feel like I needed this like kind of vocal release. The music was really loud. So that's what kind of made it okay.

But I was thinking about my response to that. And I feel like I kind of want to. Revise your. Yeah, revise. You're triggered. Yeah. Revise it because I do. feel sort of like that is a space where, you know, you want to be able to like release any

energies that are coming up. I mean, if the guy was sitting there like whacking off in the middle of the yoga class, that might be a different situation. He's like releasing a different type of energy. But I think just like he moved into a position and he felt like this energetic release and I would like to. I think my own hesitation was like I would probably also be uncomfortable with like sexual sounds, but maybe it's something that I would need to kind of lean into is this idea that he's releasing this, you know, blocked energy. And if we could all be a little bit less judgmental in those types of environments. And instead of looking at, I was like, oh my gosh, he's such a weirdo, like, okay, he's just releasing some blocked energy in a certain position.

So I was thinking more about that as I was. was in there and I was like, you know what, I would maybe like to vocalize a bit more, but I'm not doing it because I'm afraid of how I'm going to be perceived by other people. You know, yoga is one of those classes where I feel like there are certain classes that feel more like soulful, spiritual, like be your most true inner self. And then there are other ones that are kind of like trendier or like, you know, a little bit more about like the move, the exercise or the movement. and, you know, there's other ones that are like,

the teacher says something really inspirational at the beginning of the class and like you're kind of like, you know, thinking about it in that way. So I feel like that would be okay for maybe more of like one of those more spiritual. Like in the right in the right context, anything is appropriate or inappropriate, I think. Totally. And I do think if it's silent, you have to kind of be mindful of like, you know, it's different if there's some music in the background and it's like slightly. audible. I get it. I get why this listener was triggered. I probably would have been too,

but my, what I'm saying is I would like to work on relaxing into the discomfort of being triggered in that scenario, especially when it is a spiritual type thing. And all these, I mean, the yoga that I love is where, you know, I left the class and I said to the, to the instructor, I have a couple that are my favorites, like, you're like my rabbi. You know, like I go in and she's, and it's non-denominational, but it's just like, I leave there for. feeling inspired and, you know, like I'm ready to kind of set my mind on a path of my choosing. And if part of releasing is like a little grown, let them grown. I appreciate the fact that you changed your opinion because it's not always easy to admit

when your train of thought has changed or when you're thinking about something differently. So I think that that's very mature of you to bring your revised stance. You know, we don't, everything we say, we don't always have to believe everything we say every single day. I don't think it's triggering. I think it's kind of funny. And I feel like if it was, if it was my class, I would be like looking around the room. And if I could just find one person to make like a knowing eye contact with of like, this is like funny. Like you don't know what you're doing like the half laugh half like wide eyed like you get like there's someone else in the room that connects with you that this is crazy.

I think then it's almost adding to the experience. Comedy yoga. What did we call it? It's a good story. Comedy groaning yogi. Yeah, the moaning yogi. The moaning yogi. Maybe they could have a specific class for all the people who like like to do that.

Oh, obviously. See, again, that's my judgmental thing being like, oh, that sounds like horrible and so weird. But I'm trying to grow into an acceptance of, you know, like I once went to this yoga retreat. I don't know if I ever told this story. This was like when I first started my kind of finding mindfulness. And I went to this yoga retreat with two of my best friends that I hadn't seen in a really long time from college. And we hadn't seen each other in like a year.

And we went and we signed up for this mindfulness course at this retreat, not realizing at the time that it was like a silent meditation retreat. The whole thing. So the whole thing, like two days. Oh, my God. So you go to the class. And we were like thinking we do yoga. We'd like take walks and catch up.

And it was like the assignment on day one when you show up is like, you're not going to speak for the next like 48 hours. And we were all like, are we doing this? Like are we paid money for this? So like I feel like we should immerse ourselves in this. But like are we really going to have this girls weekend where we're not going to speak? And we're all kind of like sort of rule followers. so we ended up just like really not speaking until the very end of this meditation retreat.

Not like when no one was looking? Not really. Like let's go to the bathroom and not really because it was like part of the exercise of the thing. And I think we're all trying to, you know, it's funny because I haven't talked with them about this in a while. But, you know, looking back, I probably would have broken the rules and kind of enjoyed the weekend a little bit more and had some conversation. but there was one part of it that was like this.

It was like a dancing, like energy where you just go in this room and they play this drum music and everyone's just like soberly, wildly dancing, like just doing whatever movements, like come to your body. If the listeners could see your face right now. No, I mean, I, were you guys like on drugs? No, there were no drugs. It was totally sober, but it was like supposed to. to be this energetic expression of your soul and your spirit.

And I remember at first being like, oh, my God, this is so weird. Like, I don't know if I can do it. And then after a while, you're in this room. And it's almost weird that you're not doing it. Like it almost feels odd to be the only person standing there, not like doing this dancing thing. And then we did it. And it just felt like really great.

Like it was just this moment. of like, I don't care. Like, you know, that dance like nobody's watching a thing or whatever. Like, right. Just this moment of just like, I'm going to close sober, going to close my eyes and just like dance around the room and just like let my soul express itself. And there is something beautiful about that that we don't do because we're just so burdened by our fear of our, of the perception of other people.

Right. Of like the social norms. The social norms of like moaning and yoga and. and flailing your arms and like dancing around like a lunatic. Right. Well, that's why kids are like, kids are so beautiful and innocent that they like don't think about, you know, if they're dancing, they're not,

they don't care like what you think about how they look when they're dancing. Totally. I mean, I guess the other side of that is they might throw a huge tantrum in the middle of a supermarket and not be like embarrassed. Embarrassed at all, right? Like I try to do this thing with Brooks where when he's being really mean to me, I'll look around and like I try to look. look like like make the shocked face like I'm looking at someone else who's also really shocked at

his behavior like okay it doesn't work yeah it doesn't work at all like he just doesn't care he's like what are you looking why are you looking at that lady like why are you making that face I don't really care what that lady thinks I don't care if she's shocked at my behavior right so it's kind of like a little bit of like caring what other people think is probably good for you right the question is I guess where is the line and I think that like that's just kind of what the cool thing about doing new things or immersing yourself in different experiences is different situations allow you to act differently. Yes. Like different contexts. Like there's many things that are like only appropriate in a certain context. And if you can leave like your comfort zone or your norm and be in a

context where that's what they do, then you know, I think your mind expands a little bit. Well, speaking of getting out of your comfort zone or being in a different contextual state, I think our overshare kind of relates to that topic. By the way, if you guys want to email us an overshare or Betchesist or any of our topics, you can email oversharing at betches.com or you can leave us a voicemail at 646363-6236294.

I'm going to read our first overshare. Are you ready? I am ready. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. This podcast is my absolute favorite. I recently gave birth to my first baby, and I'm so happy. My partner and I are co-parenting very well

and learning more about our little one each day. Our baby is such a joy. My issue is in relation to my partner following the birth of our baby. He is all over me. Normally, that would not be a problem, but our sex life slowed to a crawl while I was pregnant. He was not interested in intimacy at all. It really hurt and made me feel unattractive in a vulnerable time

to the point where I worried about the future of our relationship. Almost immediately after the baby was born, when I still looked kind of pregnant, his romantic interest returns like old times, but I'm still hurt from his previous behavior. Do I have a right to be heard by this rejection throughout my pregnancy? Should I just move on since we are back to normal now? Is it fair for my partner to not find pregnant women attractive, even when his own wife

of several years was a pregnant woman? Excited to hear your thoughts. Sincerely, postpartum beauty, feeling like a beast. I think this is so common, but I do want, I wish we had a little bit more information. Like, did he say he wasn't attracted to her? Have they spoken about this at all? or is she just assuming that he wasn't attracted to her? Because I think a lot of men almost feel like having sex while you're pregnant is like having sex with a baby in the room.

You know, it's like it's not necessarily about not being attracted. It's more about like what was that movie where he's like talking about the, wasn't there a movie where the guy was talking about like the penis like from the view? Knocked up. Right. From like the perspective of the baby like. Right. You know. I think so yeah, I think it was knocked off actually. I can like picture Seth Rogen saying that. Yeah, Seth Rogen saying that. So I think there's part of it that's what

what Seth Rogen was saying in that movie. And I think there's another part of it that's like maybe he's afraid of hurting the baby. So I wonder if she's just jumping to the conclusion that he's not attracted to her or if there's something else to it. Right. I think that might be the case, especially because she's saying that like I have my postpartum body. I still look pregnant. Like so clearly it's not about how you look then it's about this idea that the baby's out he feels uncomfortable being you know having sex with a baby inside you but i mean like okay let's say let's say they talk and he's like yeah i am it was that i was uncomfortable but she's still kind of feeling like rejected by that like is it's kind of like i think sexual attraction is sort of like a weird

thing where it's like she's kind of like it feels offensive that you weren't attracted to me during this period and like whatever the reason is he clearly was not attracted or not attracted enough to, I guess, pursue or make a move or really be interested in sex. And let's say that's the case. That can sort of be insulting, but it's also

kind of like, well, it's not like something he's choosing. Right. Something that he just feels. Yeah. So I mean, and I'm sure sometimes you see this about like people who write in or talk to you like their partner has you know, gain some weight or lost their hair or

you know, it's out of work. or, you know, something else that might kind of just be a sexually like a little bit of a turnoff to you. And I think it can feel really personal and really really insulting. In some ways, I guess it kind of is. But there's also the mindset of like if you're not into it, that's sort of just like a fact. It doesn't seem like a choice, you know? Right. Like you can't really be angry.

It's just how they are feeling. Yeah, I totally hear you. And I could see why it's hurtful. This one actually out of all the things you described. this one's probably the best because the baby comes out and then you're back to normal versus, like you said, someone loses their hair or they, you know, gain weight that they're not able to lose. And that's just, I think the idea that you're never going to be attracted to me in the same way again feels more painful than, okay, temporarily. Like I have morning breath. Okay, you could go brush your teeth and we can fix that. But yeah, it's, it's tough. The idea of changing levels of attraction is a tough one because, like you said, it's just something that, you know, kind of either happens or it doesn't, which is why I usually do recommend emotional attraction in that way, like really finding the attraction in like

the deep connection versus just like the external piece of it. And that comes from talking and feeling like you understand me. I understand you. Like I love, you know, I don't know if you've experienced this, but there's different types of sex. There's like kind of like the age old thing of like making love versus having sex. And they are different. Although I feel like men are just more physical. I don't know. Maybe that's like a stereotype. Maybe that's an incorrect thing. But I feel like for me, that would that's kind of like, feel like that would work for me. But I feel like a lot of men are sort of more visual and more, I don't know, it's more about being physical for them than it is about the emotional connection. But I'm sure that's an element for them. But it just seems, it seems to be

like less of the pie. Right. I hear you, but I do think that just because men might be more, and this I think a study, don't quote me on it, but like visual in terms of sex. Like they are, it's more stimulated by like the visual, you know, the visual. You know, the view. of a naked body. I don't think it needs to be society's perfect naked body. So I think there might be some complicating factors here. Maybe she was feeling insecure. She wasn't exuding a sexuality that maybe there is a dynamic that happened between the two of them. I don't know. We don't have enough information. But I think that, yes, I agree with you. Men might be more physical. But I don't think that it has to be, like you have to be this perfect specimen for a man to be physically

attracted. I think you just have to be a sexy, sexual, like, person that's like exuding, you know, sexy vibes and maybe showing some skin. It doesn't have to be perfect skin. It doesn't have to be, especially if you're married to this person, I think you would be at that. It's one thing for like a one night stand. But I think for someone who you're with for a long time, I'm, yes, I agree with you that I do think there is a physical component, but I don't think perfection necessarily has to be part of that or conforming to a societal standard of perfection. And I do think women make that mistake a lot where they think that men want women that look like, you know, perfect.

Perfect. Whatever the societal definition of perfect is, 36, 24, 36, or whatever the thing is. measurements are. Yeah, I don't think they're, they're really doing that. Right. I think that men don't care as much as women think they do about like your love handles or whatever it might be. Yeah. I think I saw. And also I think women just judge themselves and other women sometimes a little bit more than men are doing. Yes. In their mind. Yes. I remember seeing these like ideal body weight things where it was like like you had to rank the man and the woman on like what you thought the ideal. like they would have like people of different sizes. Right. I saw that. Yes. Right. And the women would pick like they pick the women's ideal body weight like much to be like the much thinner version of like the one that a man. Yes. Or the men on average, whatever it was chose. So it is that is definitely true. But I don't know. What do you what do you think the listener should do? Just like talk to him. Yeah. 100%. Yeah. Because she can get the real story and a lot of times it's not. She's feeling like it's a

rejection of her body, but maybe it's a rejection of like something else that was coming along with the pregnancy other than her body, like her lack of interest in sex or her, maybe she wasn't exuding sexuality or like you said, maybe, or I said maybe like, you know, just the baby in there was upsetting him. So I think a communication about this can help clear it up. It might be great for them down the road. Like what, what does turn him on that maybe she can do that might, you know, help them get through it if she has another baby or, you know, whatever the case might be. So maybe it is about the confidence. She did sign off as, as postpart of beauty feeling like a beast. So. Right. But again, maybe that's also her,

you know, sometimes it's like what came first, the chicken or the egg. Like, what came first? Like him not being interested in her sexually or her losing confidence or like what, who knows? Like one, they're very interlinked, I'm sure. Right. And I think it. is hard for people sometimes when they have this visual representation of the baby right there to kind of separate out your wife from the mother of your child. Like when the baby is literally within eyesight, it's hard to kind of have that moment where you can have your same sexual banter and your same kind of thing without feeling like, you know, sometimes people need to separate like this is now that now this is my wife and then when she's breastfeeding she's like the mother of

my child and then that night when she's like sexy time now she's my wife yeah I mean biologically speaking everything I feel like in biology or science that they teach you is that there's no biological reason why a man should be attracted to a pregnant woman because she's already been impregnated and so there's no like biological it's already been done yes You can't be like planting your seed there. Right. Right. So.

So. Yeah. I do think there might be like a just biological. I mean, I have heard of some men being very into pregnant women. So I don't think this is like a universal rule or fact. Right. But it would make sense to me if they're kind of like, well, men like when you have breasts because you can breastfeed the baby and like men, you know what I mean? And like they're people talk about all these things that men are supposedly attracted to because they like indicate fertility that a pregnant body wouldn't be like,

the most natural thing for a man to be into. Totally. And there are so many things like that that just, I guess it's hard to accept, but it's like, that's why when, you know, women are older, like the ideal, if you did the same survey that you did about the body shapes, the ideal woman would not be someone who looks like she might look like she's gone through menopause because that's not someone that you can impregnate either. So someone with, you know, a postmenopausal body is not, you wouldn't think, evolutionarily would be that attractive. So I think there are some signs and signals that we just

sucks, but we give off to help, you know, natural selection in that way. Yeah, I've heard there's like even like a scent or a pheromonal thing that you, that you give off like when you're like ovulating as opposed to when you have your period. Yeah. Just like a, which is crazy. And again, it doesn't seem, it seems like very specific and feels like very, is this really true? But I think that there's there, there has to be some sort of. biological reason for that. Clearly, like, it's all for the purpose of, like, you know, continuing the species. Yes.

Don't take it as per. Maybe that helps take it a little bit less personally. Maybe. Right. Maybe not. I don't know. But I think it's something to consider. It's true.

We like to try to think that we're more evolved than just animals. But that's where we started and that DNA is still in there. So. Yeah. And I mean, listen, like he's back. you said you it's not like you look like your former self and it seems like he was missing you or missing that and maybe it was a mental block and I would be I would lean into that fact while also asking him like what was up with that yeah talk about it and then move on I wouldn't

like be mad at him about it I agree it's not really I don't think his fault or anything to be angry with him about but I do think it's worth a conversation agreed let's do our next betchesis where we debate an ethical dilemma this one is is quite fun. I'm excited to get your take on it. You want to read it? Yeah. Dear oversharing, I have a dating betches this question for you regarding a guy I used to date. My coworkers are split on where they stand, so I'd love for you to weigh in. So I dated this guy about a year ago. I ended things after three months of dating when we went on a premature trip to Vermont, where I saw his good guy exterior quickly turned into douche frat star who peaked in college.

He was disrespectful to me in front of his friends, made excessive dick jokes, and had judgmental comments, especially surrounding the gay community. This was all very shocking when a week before he asked me to make English muffins with him. It's equivalent to asking her to move in. I broke up with muffin men two days after that trip. Now, over a year later, this girl reached out to me on Instagram asking if I was dating this guy. I said no, but I did a year ago. Turns out it was the friend of the girl who he's currently dating trying to get more information after she got weird vibes from him. I told her that I didn't want to gossip over a messenger and would not want to be associated with him.

She told her friend and now we're planning to get a drink together this week. Don't want to gossip over messenger, but happy to do it in person. Happy to do it with no paper trail. I get it. She also shared with me how she found out about me. On our second or third date, he made a Spotify blend playlist. list that blends both of our favorite songs. Turns out he did the same thing with her. I think she went on his Spotify and saw our names together and wanted to know if he was seeing anyone else,

especially when he recently became very distant. Anyway, I sent her a couple of cocktail bar options and labeled the calendar invite dump Dan. All right. Well, she's let it. She's really being subtle about her intentions here. I'm open to hearing any feedback. Here are my betchesist's questions. There's three. We're going to start with the first one. Okay, number one, is it okay for me to get drinks with her? She's a stranger. I'm curious if you think she's doing something wrong by tracking me down and meeting with me in real life. I think it is not okay for her to get drinks with her.

I think she should stay out of it. I think unless someone was like physically or even like verbally abusive to you or like stole all your money or like did something very, very, very messed up, it is not your responsibility. to warn anyone because you didn't like them. And it sounds like she really just didn't like him, which is fine. And it doesn't sound like he did anything that was like so incredibly horrendous that someone else couldn't figure that out on their own and still be okay. I totally, I totally agree with that. And I think that it's a major red flag that this girl like found her name on Spotify

and then stalked her out to find her Instagram and private message her based on some, I never knew that this was a thing, like Spotify, that you can, like I've had a lot of patience that will come to me and if they have an ex, they can see like what their ex is listening to. And so they'll kind of be like, oh,

well, like he was listening to this song that we used to listen to when we were together. And like maybe that means that he's thinking about me or, he's listening to this other song that this other girl's also listening to. So maybe it means it's like, oh. Maybe it means he's dating this other girl. Right. They're listening.

You know, they're sharing songs. Yeah. Right. There's a million ways to stalk someone. Oh, I never knew that Spotify was one of them. But apparently it is. I used to look at the Venmos. You're like, who is this bitch that is sending money to for coffee?

Right. Right. Totally. There's too many ways to see what people are up to. But I wouldn't get involved with this with this girl. I think if she is reaching out to you to find out about her boyfriend and what he's up to or what her friend, is it the friend that she's meeting up with or the actual girl? Yeah.

It's not even like she's like been seeing him at the same time, which would make a little bit more sense. Still, maybe probably not the best move. But let's say like she was like, oh, I'm dating that guy too. That would be like maybe more reason to be discussing your timelines or discussing. like if he was actually, you dated him a year ago. It was before this person. Like,

I don't really feel that there's anything great that can come out of the situation besides, I don't really know what this person's intent is, Steven. Yeah, look, I get it. It's probably a fun,

little juicy drink to have. I could see the appeal in terms of like, almost like scratching a weird itch that she's having to talk shit about this. guy. But I think I would not touch this thing with a 10 foot pole. I think the girl sounds like she is, you know, not in a healthy place. If she's feeling the need to meet up with someone behind

the guy she's dating back to find out what's going on. Right. I don't think she probably is like the most stable. Agreed. Especially like once he's, it sounds like he's about to end things with her anyway. He's pulling, she's, the way that she's stating it was that he was. He got weird vibes from him

and he was being more distant. It's kind of like, she's trying to make herself feel better by like taking down this guy with this person. And again, he sounds like he's a little bit of an asshole, but it doesn't sound like he did anything like so incredibly terrible to you that it warrants this kind of situation.

He didn't cheat on you. He didn't like. You just didn't like him, which is fine after you date someone for three months to discover. that you don't really like them. But it doesn't mean you have to like destroy any future prospects. They have a meeting someone who might like them.

Right. Yeah, I totally agree. I don't think this is a good one. All right. Let's attack question number two. Okay. Is it unethical of him to use the same move on both of us? I feel like his use of the Spotify playlist on multiple women is a little gross.

It felt special at the time and now it feels wrong. I also don't think there's anything wrong with this. Are you okay to feel less special? yes for sure but I always think about this anytime I went on a date to like a cool restaurant that a guy took me to he took me there for a reason because he worked it took he took someone else there and it worked right right just like I had a first date shirt that I would wear on every date because I'm like this shirt works it's not like I'm wearing it for this guy I'm wearing it because like I know this works for me and this is like a good look for me right um and the spot of i blest it's a move it's a move that he's

stride with it's so funny like so much in dating we take so personally and like the bad stuff isn't personal like when they're ghosting they're not just ghosting you right good stuff isn't personal when they take you somewhere really cool or they do something kind of sweet it's like that's what they do with everyone that's what they do right i i agree with that one as well i don't think he did something wrong here i get that it made you feel not as special and that's why you got rid of this guy because he's, there's, you know, you didn't really like him and the way he was acting and the, you know, he's using these similar moves. So it just solidifies your decision that you didn't want to date him. But I don't think that it was ethically. I think it's fine. You want to,

maybe guys approach women with the same kind of line. If you're talking to someone in a bar, you want to make a conversation or how many times on a dating app do you use the same opener? Yes. So I definitely, I would say, say there's nothing wrong with him using the same move. I get that it felt kind of, you know, it just made the whole thing feel a little shallow. And maybe at the time, you felt like it was special. So I could see feeling disappointed or played a little bit, but I don't think it was actually unethical. Agreed. All right. Number three, would you ever meet up with the X of someone you're dating to compare notes? Am I living out everyone's fantasy by doing this? Or are she

I the weird ones. What I do this. I think if I was doing that, I would have to ask myself if I like really should be here. Right. Because if you feel the need to like find track down and find someone that they used to date to like get more information about them. To me it says you don't really trust them. You're already feeling a certain way about them. And again, unless there was a very specific circumstance where I felt like perhaps I was in

or, you know, there was something really weird going on. All my money was missing from my wallet or something. Like, I don't know. Like there would have to be some sort of dangerous type situation for me to feel it was necessary because otherwise I think I would, just the act of wanting to do that, I think is probably a red flag in itself. Right. I get the desire.

It's almost like, you know, like we do, like siblings bond over, like validating each other's feelings about their parents. No one can really understand and validate you about your feelings about an ex unless it's someone else who's actually dated that person. Yeah. So I could see that it would feel like she set a fantasy of like I could get all the validation by talking about this with someone who's actually dated him instead of what usually happens is you just hate each other and you never talk because you both dated the same guy.

Right. So I could see that it would feel really, you know, like it would give you the validation that you probably need. But unless it just happened naturally, like you ran into each other at a bar. Yeah, I was going to say that was my next comment. Like, if it happened to come up and or was someone you were kind of friendly with and then you happen to speak about it, I think that's natural and not weird. I think the act of like meeting up with a stranger specifically to like tear someone apart is. not right. But if again, if you happen to, if you were at a party and this person, you happen to discover, you were dating the same guy and you were like, oh, he did this. And they were like, oh, yeah,

he did that. He's the worst. I think that's sort of a little bit more harmless. Totally. Getting dressed, going out, picking a spot and an afternoon just to go with the sole purpose of shit talking someone. Right. I agree. Not cool. Unless like you said, too pay. Right. Unless like you said, You feel like it's a real public service that you're doing where this guy is like a real dirty John kind of serial killer that you really need to get the word out. Like don't come near this guy. I don't think there's any purpose. And, you know, this is just you scratching an itch that you have. It's not really serving any.

It's not putting good karma out into the world either. Totally. Do you ever think about like what your exes would say if they had lunch? Oh my gosh. Yours would probably be like she was lovely and, you know, I totally missed out on. Mine would probably have a lot more things to say. Crazy bitch. Don't piss her off.

She has a podcast. For sure. That would be the warning. Yeah, I think we're both in agreement. Don't do it. I'd love an update on this, especially if you went. Yes. If you don't listen to any of our advice, if we're too late,

You've already gone. You might as well tell us so that we can live vicariously through your immature decision. Love it. There's some intentions. I'll read them. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. Can't say enough good things about your show. And you too as people.

I look forward to your show every week. And thanks for all the great content you put out there. It has seriously made me a better person. Wow. That's awesome. I know. I'm writing and looking for a mantra that I can use to keep myself grounded and realistic when I'm thinking of jumping ship from things that are actually going well.

For some background, I have a great job where I'm very challenged, have a thoughtful manager, and am paid above market rates. I'm also in a serious relationship with someone I love who treats me amazingly and is such a great match for me. Despite this, I often find myself thinking about quitting my job or dumping my boyfriend the second I'm slightly unhappy about something, even if it's a small issue. For example, if my boyfriend is late a few times in a row, I often think I should date someone who can be on time and get myself into a spiral where I can, I then go, on to think of every reason why he is imperfect and why I could find someone better. Though I know deep down, I don't actually want that. I expect this stems from my childhood where I was taught that my happiness is always the priority. And if something doesn't make me happy, I can just stop doing it. As a kid, I was able to try and quit many different hobbies, which was great. And I appreciate that

so much emphasis was put on my happiness. But now I find that I have an impossibly high bar and expect to be happy 100% of the time. I continue to feel this pressure from my mom into my 30s. If we're talking on the phone and I'm not overly enthusiastic. She asks why I'm upset and why I'm not my usual smiley self. And she says she can't be happy until she knows that I'm happy. I would love to be able to put less pressure on myself and my relationships to be a 10 out of 10 at all times in order for them to be acceptable. Thanks again for all that you do. This is interesting. We definitely didn't have a mom who couldn't be happy unless we were happy. Not at all, which is probably why I loved this question and I want to thank this listener because it gives me the motivation that I need

to do the things that my growth is coming in a place of being able to tolerate my kids on happiness and not doing the thing where I'm like, okay, she doesn't want this picture in the yearbook. I'm going to go and I'm going to change it and I'm going to call the teacher and make the thing and she doesn't like this thing and I'm going to jump in and helicopter mom and make everything perfect. So I am thankful that I'm getting like the negative consequences of what that might, how that might make someone like unable to tolerate any sort of discomfort. Totally. Yeah.

That's what it looks like to me. It sounds like to me. She's just uncomfortable with being uncomfortable. Yes. And when you're uncomfortable for a lot of people, your urges like change the environment, change something, move something, fix something, do something, quit something, start something, whatever it might be that you have to do to change your environment to make yourself feel better, which usually works temporarily until life happens, which it does.

And eventually there's going to be stuff that happens that there's no change that's going to fix it. And then you're wildly unprepared for any type of discomfort. So I'm really glad that she's showing this introspection and writing in about this. I love the question. And I do think that she is heading in the right direction by being aware that she needs to learn how to relax into discomfort rather than doing what her mom did. It's great. Her mom's, I'm sure, sweet and loving and probably just wants her to be happy, but not

realizing that you're doing your kids a disservice by fixing everything for them. Right. And I also think maybe on like a lower scale level than this. I have this sometimes, or I'm sure a lot of people have this where you're kind of like, it can feel like if it's for something to be good, you have to have absolutely no doubts about it ever. Like, and I don't think that's the case. I think that's very unrealistic. You know, sometimes when you're thinking about anything that you're working on, a job offer, a relationship,

someone you're dating, like you can feel like just the act of having a doubt is enough to be like, well, if I really was into this, like I would know 100%. Mm-hmm. And to me, that's just like such an unrealistic bar for for that. And I found my, I'm not really the type to do that that often. I feel, I think that I read a book, How to Not Die Alone by by Logan Yuri, who's been on the U-Up podcast. And she says there are certain people who are like maximizers. And certain people who are satisfacers and maximizers are like always looking for like perfection. They're always looking for like the next best thing. Yeah. Satisfisers, which is I think what I relate to a little bit more are kind of like, this seems like. like good enough and like I'm generally happy with it and I know it's not perfect but I think it's you know it's good right right I love that because it is it kind of mirrors this idea of like internal sense of control or external sense of control like does the thing does the object have to be perfect in order for me to be happy or can I change my perception of the object in order to find happiness. So I think for you, if it's like, I don't know, like I know you were talking about

buying a house. So it's like, you know, you're going to buy this house. And if you're waiting and people that have like really get stuck in decisions and can't make decisions, it's typically because they're waiting for like the thing to come along that they're going to have zero doubts on. And a lot of times that's just not going to happen. Like I'm sure whatever house you're going to buy is going to be have this issue or that issue or some problem. And if you saw that and you're like, all right, forget it. I can't. There's going to be a house out there that doesn't have this issue or that doesn't have that problem. Then you'd probably be waiting forever. Yeah. And you see a lot of people with dating, I think that do that quite a bit where they're like, especially like, I think when

you're a little older and you're dating, you're like, well, I've been waiting this long for this, for the perfect person. Like this. person has this law, I'm not going to like just give in on that now. Yeah, right. Right. Or and then it sort of feeds into itself and you start thinking about, you know, all the things that could be better when you're kind of saying realistically nothing, no one is perfect, no house is perfect, no person is perfect. But I can understand why it would be some hard for some people to get there. So do you have a, do you have a mantra or an intention for? Yes. So I have a few. I don't know which one I think is but one that I thought might help her because it does sound like she goes into

decision-making mode when she's uncomfortable, which a lot of people do. It's like you feel the discomfort in your body and then your brain wants to jump in and try to protect you by doing something. Giving you an out. Right. Or an option. An option. Yeah.

So that's a rewiring. So one thing that I wrote for her is if she finds herself trying to jump in, into a decision making, should I stay in this relationship or not, should I leave this job or not, is wise decisions come from a place of calm. So if she's finding that when she's annoyed or aggravated with her boyfriend, that she wants to make a decision about the relationship in that moment, that it's probably not going to be the wisest decision for her. Because that's, you know, I do believe that most of your wisest decisions that you're going to come to are going to come when you're not in that state of mind, like, activated and, you know,

impulsive. If you feel like I want to break up with him because he's late three times, and that's the right decision, then you're still going to feel like that when he's on time and you're sitting at dinner and you're having a lovely conversation. You're still going to want to break up with him because that's just a decision that's coming from more information than just what your body's giving you in that moment of aggravation. So, and this is, And the other one, which is similar, but it might resonate with her a little bit better. And it's something we always talk about here, which is relaxing into discomfort will reveal my true path. So instead of feeling like your path comes from you whacking bushes away with a machete wildly and like trying to change the whole forest, just kind of feeling like, okay, I'm just going to relax.

I'm uncomfortable right now, but I'm just going to relax into this discomfort. and then I can see clearly what's really happening. And I think her mom kind of did the machete whacking for her, her whole life. So she never had to sit back and just kind of look quietly through, you know, the forest and see if there might be a path that might be the one that's better for her while she's like calmly and quietly looking around.

Yeah. Do you have anything that also might like help her when she's like, having that feeling of again like if i'm having a doubt then this is a sign or something or you know because i think you almost judge yourself where it's like if someone else say someone else told me this about their job then i might think that they were unhappy and i think when you your brain is kind of like well if there's an inkling of doubt and societally like feels like wrong especially i think with stuff with the relationship where she's like you know we have a great relationship and have like I have a thought of breaking up with him like in a and society paints that as like

a red flag in itself right you know right one thing that I could think about that might be helpful is for her to think about like we talked about changing her mindset is a good first step to feeling differently about a situation so what I say it's like when we talked about um you know a married couple where the person's doing something that annoys you. And it's like, well, can you, the first, the best first thing is to say, can you find a way to tolerate this without creating an issue or making a conflict, making a whole big change about it? Can you find a way to accept this?

And if the answer is yes, then just do that. And then if you can't find a way to accept this thing, if you try to change your mindset, like you said, like a satisfacer might say, like, okay, let me see if I could think about this in a way that makes this feel okay, right? No house is going to be perfect. Let me change my mindset. Let me focus on the positive. I think if you can try that first and then it doesn't work, then you can kind of move towards,

okay, maybe there's a change that needs to be made. So the first change is the change within yourself. How can I change the way I'm looking at this or my perspective on it? You know, if your perspective is how can I maximize this boyfriend by finding a boyfriend who has all the things that my boyfriend has, plus he's on time. Right. Which is like not going to happen. Right. Yeah.

You're never going to get that exact mix. That's a great point. So first step is change yourself before you start trying to look around and see what you can change in your environment. Because it's really good training for when they're. you know, just learning how to find peace and acceptance with what is. Because eventually, not to get morbid, but like eventually the worst thing's going to happen and we're going to die and other people are going to die and you're going to have to like tolerate some really big discomforts in your life that you cannot change. So the whole of life is kind of this practice and getting to

this place of accepting. Right. I can all use a little work on that. I like that. We help this listener. I hope so. I really love this. question. Would you like to read our first triggered statement or where we rank just how triggered we think you should be by the things that have triggered you? All right. Let's do it. Hi, ladies. I'm writing in with a recent as of 30 minutes ago triggered situation. I'm in an internship for my master's program and have been working with my supervisor since January. We have teams meeting calls every couple of weeks because it's remote and the first couple of times I had some technical difficulties, literally just forgetting my computer was muted and second monitor hooked up

and it was causing a sound issue. Anyway, we're on a call for a meeting with two other people and one was having trouble and she says, yeah, insert my name. Remember when you didn't know how to use teams? I was surprised and said, I do know how to use it. I just had some technical difficulties. Now, I am a millennial that has been working remotely for three years. Does she really think I don't know how to use teams. I wasn't too triggered, to be honest, just enough that I realized I could write in. I did feel embarrassed that this was, one, on a call with other people in a professional setting, and two, seemed like a dig at me or something she had been holding on to to bring up. I'm already feeling insecure and not knowing exactly what I'm doing. I'm there to learn,

or the organization's culture, and this just made me feel like I was being judged for the simplest thing. I'm also working hard to speak up for myself, so my response to her was immediately followed with shame that I upset her or made things uncomfortable. Thoughts, hopefully she doesn't listen to this. Thanks, too triggered to think of a catchy sign off. Okay. So to make this shorter, I guess, the joke was that or the person said, remember when you didn't know how to use teams? Because someone else was messing up with the teams thing also. Right. Okay. I mean, I guess I could see why it's kind of like, oh, you remember that? I guess maybe you were like making fun of me a little bit that I didn't know how to use it last time or that I had a technical difficulty.

It's like a little bit of an annoying dig. But, and I think it's probably exacerbated by the fact that she does feel like she doesn't fully understand exactly what she's doing. She said she's an intern. So she's not exactly like, you know, leading the discussions here. She probably is just learning. So I think it's probably exacerbated by that. I think if someone said that to me, yeah, it might be like, that's kind of annoying.

Yeah. But I wouldn't be like enraged. But I guess she kind of said that that's exactly how she felt. So. Yeah. This sounds like almost like a like a little sibling dig or something. You know, like something that's like it was probably meant to poke fun at her. But I think maybe it's this supervisor.

I don't think she meant to her. hurt her feelings. Maybe she's looking to have a little bit more of like a joky kind of relationship. And I do think there's something important about being able to make fun of yourself. She really did, like not, you know, she had herself muted in the beginning, long enough that other people noticed that she wasn't, you know, whatever happened there. And she didn't realize that her second, like she had some issues using the platform in some way. And that's, okay and you're still a good person and it doesn't mean you're not smart or capable or whatever the case might be. So I think that she needs to own that she did have that maybe

she's not the most adept at using some of these technical things. And that's okay. And you're still okay. And I think she's triggered because for some reason she's not okay with maybe not being the best at this particular, you know, technology. I think maybe if she made fun of herself a little bit, like that that might ease people into that too. Right. Right. Right. You know what I mean? Like sometimes, I mean, we record this podcast remotely and usually one of us has some sort of like microphone or headphone issue immediately when we're starting. And I don't think, I mean, when it's you, I don't think any, that you're any less competent than you are. Right. And even when it's me, I don't think it's any less confident. I don't think I'm less confident. I don't think I'm less

confident than I am. So if we're starting and like multiple things are going wrong, I'll just make a self-deprecating comment about how I have, you know, it's just that kind of day or it's early or something like that. I think that if you kind of like, you can make the situation more relaxed by just like acknowledging that you're having issues. Totally. I think it would help if she could make fun of herself a little bit and was a little bit more open to being made fun of. I could see why it tweaked her. I get it. This was a superior. She wants to impress her. But I do think it's important to look at what's important to you about your identity. Is it being tech savvy? If that's a huge part of what you feel good about about yourself, then I could see being more triggered by this comment.

If being tech savvy isn't like your number one priority, then I would, you know, I'm going to put this slow. I'm going to give this like a two. I agree with that. You know what? I also just thought of something that Maybe like since there was another person that was starting that was having technical difficulties. She was just saying that to make them feel better. Like everyone has difficulties. Remember you had difficulties when you started must be like a new person thing. I think she just said it maybe to make the other person think like this happens all the time. Don't be like anxious about it.

Right. Yep. I agree. I wouldn't spend too much time on this. It wasn't like, remember that time that you messed up that huge project that cost the company millions of dollars like it wasn't that right um so i would just i agree let's give it a two yeah okay we're a cool all right i'm going to do another one okay hi churdana and dr naomi i really like this one i'm a huge fan of your podcast and i love listening every week i can't tell

if i have the right to be triggered by something so i want to get your take i'm from a major city and into fashion fitness and taking care of myself my mother-in-law is from a much smaller city a flight away and historically has never been into any of those things. She's recently retired and started exercising and eating healthier and I'm happy to see her prioritizing herself first. We'll see about that. A few years ago for Christmas, my mother-in-law bought me a present, which included some of my favorite products that I use every day, a lip oil, a protein powder, a superfood tea blend, face moisturizer, et cetera. At first, I was so excited. What a perfect gift that I could actually put to use. Then I realized the problem.

In order to know that these were my favorite products that I use every day, she would have had to snoop through my pantry and bathroom doors. I have never used these products in front of her, and they are not an open shelving in my house. My husband swears you didn't tell her about any of these. I believe him. He didn't even recognize the products as I was unboxing. What's even weirder is this. I have this one sweatshirt that I wear any time I'm in the house and it gets cold.

My husband calls it my uniform. It's from a designer with her logo on it. I just went to my in-law's house for a visit. My mother-in-law had bought and was wearing the exact same one without even mentioning that it's something that she had seen me wear and complimented countless times. Is it fair to be triggered by all of this? I guess imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but somehow this feels like it fears into the realm of snooping from a bet she wants privacy. Yeah, the first part of this, I have to agree, especially because it's a mother-in-law. and that can be like a sticky boundary situation.

The idea that she went through her bathroom cabinets to see what product she was using, I get it. It was like with a good intention, but that would probably tweak me too. I could see why that's a little upsetting. I guess if there was no other way she could have possibly found out, like maybe she talks to her mother or talks to someone else that she knows. I mean, I guess she's deducing this is the only possible way. that she could possibly know that she likes these products.

Right. Which, I mean, if that's true, then yes, it's kind of creepy and a little weird, but maybe it wasn't like snooping. Maybe it was like she went to the bathroom and she just happened to see this stuff. Like, you ever go to someone's house and you just like see the stuff they use? Yeah. On the counter. Yeah, I remember when I used your shower and I was like trying all the different,

you had so many different products in there. And I was like getting a little trial of all that. You had that little hair scrubby thing. That was kind of cool. Got to do the scalp massage. Yeah. Just get rice. She wasn't using the products.

I went into your bathroom and I started using everything. But anyway, I digress. Am I tricker? No. Yeah, I think that she's writing in because it probably seems like she wants and with all, but this is why with a mother-in-law, I think it could get sticky because it's like with all good intention, I snoop through your stuff. And I would just try to like make sure that that had to be the actual case.

Maybe you guys went on vacation together and she was sharing a bathroom or something like that. Okay. That's how I see. I know I discover products that my friends have. We're like sharing a hotel room. I'll be like, how do you like that serum? Right. Right.

Totally. I think if you rack your brain and you try to see if there's any other way, if it was sitting out, fine. Great. Awesome. But she made a point to say like that. that the cabinets were closed. And, you know, so I would rack your brain if there's any other way she could have found it. If not, I don't know that it's worth mentioning, but I would definitely, I would, my dander would be up a little bit on this.

Sure. Yeah. I guess maybe you could, you would now, I wouldn't say anything. I'm trying to put myself in her position. I definitely wouldn't say anything. I might just like make sure that my bathroom didn't have anything. I didn't want anyone to see. Right.

if they opened a drawer or went behind a mirror. Right, but that's so annoying. That's your bathroom. Like, you shouldn't have to be, that's the part where I feel like I get why she's triggered because she shouldn't have to clean out her bathroom when her mother-in-law is coming over, you know? That's fair.

Is this like her bedroom bathroom? Like, why would, how would she even get in there? I don't know. The sweatshirt part, I would let that go. I don't think that's a big deal. You don't need, like, at the bottom of the page that gives someone credit for, that you found the sweatshirt.

Right. Like I don't think you need like a credit line, you know, giving you credit for picking out that sweatshirt. That part I would put very low and triggered. Like, oh, I have to mention to you that you gave me the idea for the sweatshirt. Let that one slide. Going through the cabinets is. Yeah.

It sounds like the mom kind of like doesn't have a great sense of boundaries and like maybe wants to be kind of close to you. Because she kind of like describes her as like, you know, I care a lot about like my health and how I look and like how I present myself. And like my mother in law like it's from this little town and like right. You know, she doesn't care about any of those things. It's like clearly like there's a bet like one would one would think that her way is better. So maybe her mother's picking up on this like potentially a little snobby judgmental

attitude to her as wants to like show that she's cool and she gets it and she like knows what I mean. Like she's not this like small town girl who doesn't know. Right. It's kind of cute. Right. I get it. It's kind of cute. I do feel like she was trying to bond with her and she cared enough to get you a really thoughtful gift. So like I think that there's some endearing qualities and that she's trying to bond with you enough that she's willing to go to that effort. But I could see like when you have a kid down the road that there might be, I'm calling it now. There's going to be. some boundary issues that will not unsurmountable, but I think you may end up having to have a conversation down the road about, you know, boundaries and that sort of thing. But I do think maybe to get ahead of it, like you said, she's trying to bond with you. So maybe you can just throw her a couple bones, maybe try to reach out to her a little bit more, maybe try to, you know, compliment her

on something or maybe take an exercise class with her, do something to include her. It sounds like she thinks you're cool. Flat, like you said, it's flattering that she wants to be like you. So I would lean in a little bit more. Maybe you can fill that gap for her so she doesn't feel the need to snoop around your house to feel connected to you. And the next time, next Christmas, she gets you, or her birthday, she gets you some stuff that you're like noticed very clearly is stuff from your.

you could say how did you know that right i wonder what she would say yeah maybe there is an i kind of feel like maybe there is another way that she like knew that you liked this stuff yeah it's possible maybe not i don't know i've been giving her the benefit of the doubt and she's crazy but i'd give this a poor maybe i'm personally triggered i would give this a six the idea of someone going through my bathroom like without my knowledge is just kind of creepy. To get you a present? Yeah. I guess.

I don't know. I could be talked down a little bit. What's that thing? There's like a TikTok trend. Did we talk about this on here where people like take pictures and guys. Of the bathrooms? Yeah. I think we talked about this.

I don't. I think that's super creepy too. Like it's just such a violation of like I'm inviting you over to my house. I agree. I said that. Yeah. Yeah. That's creepy.

That's mean spirited. Yeah. Just to make fun of me. So this wasn't that, right? This wasn't like just to make fun of. This was with a really good intent. I just think it's a red flag. That's what I think.

Okay. I think it's a red flag on like a boundary issue. But thank you for writing in. This was really interesting. Hopefully there's another, you know, like you said, I do hope because this mother-in-law sounds sweet. Like I don't want her to be. She just wants to, like, show you that she's cool because you clearly

think she's like some lame like hometown loser. It's kind of like the way you were describing her in a slightly nicer way than that. Right. And she's probably getting that vibe. So I agree. I wish there was another explanation so that this mother-in-law wouldn't be so like. So that you would be

the bitch here? Yes. But if not, I could see why you're creeped out. Ish. Yeah. Invasion of privacy with love. Yeah. Well, that's sometimes, I think that's I'm sort of triggered personally probably because it's like, oh, well, I love you so much that I had, I just had to do this thing.

Open your mail. Totally unacceptable because I just really care about you. So, you know. Yeah. And I think probably like if we knew more about their relationship, it might make more or less sense as well. Yeah. But be kind to her.

I think she's trying to bond with you is the moral of the story. So maybe if you bond with her a little bit more. she'll feel less of a need to go to desperate measures to please you, which sounds really sad and pathetic. Totally. Go into her bathroom and buy her some ponds cream or whatever old people are using. Some deodorant from 1985 that hasn't been thrown out. What a mother-in-laws are?

Some depends. Yeah. Still see how it feels. Anyway. I knew what size you wore and your absorbency level. Oh, my God. I think we help some people, though, today. All right. I think so, too.

That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales-Picot, and Rebecca Salis McCaff. Editing by Missileo Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Freedander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.