Oversharing - How Much Should I Spend To Get To A Friend’s Wedding Events?

Episode Date: January 30, 2024

Today on Oversharing Dr. Naomi shares a deep, existential epiphany. Our Overshare email comes from a bridesmaid Betch who wants to skip a friend’s destination wedding after learning she’s not even invited to the ceremony. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a listener feeling major tension with her controlling sister-in-law. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for a regretful bride who can’t let go of her imperfect wedding pictures. And we’re feeling triggered by plastic surgery and surprise party guests. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. Great to be back.

Very cold here in New York. Just trying to do those meditations that we have from this month, I think, about like, it's really starting to get to you. We're recording this on January 22nd, so it's like, I feel like I'm in the shining, and like, you know, a few days have passed. Yeah, it's really cold here too, actually. It's crazy. Like, usually it's cold here for a day or two.

And then you're like, all right, that was it. We did it. Made it through. But nope, it's still icy, still cold. So is it weird that I listen to my own meditations? No. I think that just goes to, I mean, it's like, you know, when they have those things about, like, the toothpaste and it's like 76% of dentists.

use this toothpaste. Yes. So it's like, totally. So I listen to my own winter meditations because I'm working my way through. But I have, I have a sort of a somewhat of a little epiphany that I came to that's helping me stay mindful. It might be a little heady and, and heavy for a Monday morning, but I'll throw it out there, which is I had this kind of cool moment of gratitude. I've been watching this, there's a Netflix, it's one of these like nature documentaries and they talk about like the history of the formation of the earth and they start from like four billion years ago and then they move through and then there's been, if you don't know, there's been like four different apocalyptic events that have happened throughout the course of the earth, one of them that

everyone knows about, which is like the dinosaurs and the asteroid and that whole thing. So anyway, I'm watching this documentary about. about the whole history of the earth. And it kind of came to me that human beings have been on this earth for about 200,000 years. That's it? That's it. Which doesn't seem like a lot when you're talking like 400 billion years or however,

you know, from dinosaur times and the time when the earth was first formed. I mean, I guess we've only been counting for like a little over 2,000. Right. So the thought that I had that came into my head was like, let's say we're alive for 85 years if we're lucky. And humans have been in existence for 200,000 years. And let's say we're in existence for another 200,000 more, maybe more than that, hopefully if we get our shit together.

The chances, and I actually came out of yoga over the weekend, and I had this thought and I pulled out my calculator. and the percent chance that you are alive right now is like 0.0004 percent chance that you are living. That we happen to be alive right now. Let's say you live 85 years. This is all approximated. Okay. Point zero zero zero four percent chance that throughout the course of human.

from the time of 200,000 years ago to now, the chance that you're living, you're 85 years in this moment is that percent chance. Because 85 years in the entire existence of humankind is like nothing. It's like a drop in a bucket. You always think about how small we are in the universe. Like you ever see those pictures of the galaxy and then how many galaxies there are? And then it's like, were like a pin in the universe. But in time, we're also kind of like a pin in the entire fabric of time. And then it just makes you feel really, first of all,

really grateful that like this is it. Like if you're waiting online at an amusement park and you're waiting and waiting and waiting for your chance on the ride and you wait for like, it's the worst thing, you wait for like two hours and you get your two minute ride and you're like, yes, I'm on the ride. I'm in it.

Right. It's my two minutes. Yeah. That's what our life is. Or, but like, or is it sort of like, why am I waiting on this line for two hours when all I have is this? Well, I guess, I guess that's true. You know, why am I, why am I spending two hours miserable to be two minutes happy when there's not much time? Right.

So maybe the, maybe the conclusion is don't go to amusement park. Or my conclusion was sort of. of like not only did it make me feel really grateful that like I'm in it, I'm on the ride. What are the chances? They're 0.0004% chance that I'm on the ride right now. I'm on the ride. And guess what? I'm on the ride with you.

What are the chances of that? Yeah. We both happen to be crossing over in our 85 year flesh in the pan at the same time. And it made me feel very, like, grateful for the relationships in my life, like, almost like we were sent on this earth at the same time and just kind of, like, enjoy it. That's very optimistic. I feel like part of, I like that thought process. I feel like maybe I'm just, I trend negative. But like, when I kind of think about that too intensely, I'm like, well, what is the point of any of this?

Yeah. And it's true because I do, you know, obviously. for those of you who listen to the show, I was born Jewish, but I'm really like a Buddhist at heart. And I'm like, you know, let go of all of it. Like, what is it all matter? And I think that scares a lot of people. Speaking of which, did you do your mortality meditation? No, I totally forgot.

I'm going to do it tonight. Text me. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. Okay. I think the skull and crossbones on the, uh, oh yeah. I was like, this doesn't say, look very relaxing. There was like a very scary image on the YouTube cover page.

I was like, I'm going to have to be in a serious mood for that. Yeah, yeah, no. It might not be it before bed. It might be more like a first thing in the morning kind of meditation where you're like, I'm going to seize the day, not I'm going to like go into this abyss of unconsciousness now and hope that I wake up tomorrow. Right. Well, that's it.

That's it for it. No, but I do. That's the thing about like that Buddhist mentality, which is like it makes, it's really scary to think like this is it. I get my one shot and then it's all over and there's may or may not be more to it, but I just have to let go of all of my attachments and enjoy the ride. But for me, it makes me feel grateful because I feel kind of like, this, I'm on the ride. What are the chances? So you find it more motivating to like do more things and see more things and experience more.

Yes. And also just appreciate the. So on the one hand, yes, experience more, like maybe do more things. But on the other hand, almost the opposite, both. But yes. But almost like, I'm just going to appreciate the breeze on my skin because I have this chance to inhabit this body right now. And in inhabiting this human body that can feel and sense I get to enjoy this breeze. I get to enjoy the, you know, the colors in this sky.

Yeah, I guess it almost feels like you think about it, like, as if you had died and then it's your first day back. Like, suddenly you've come back to life. Yes. Yes. Like, what would you do? Yes. You know? And I remember that.

I mean, I think I was talking to one of our brothers about this where it's like the idea of, you know, you're always so judgmental of like your body and your aging and all that stuff. but like imagine that you were, you know, 90 years old, and then one day you woke up in your 34-year-old body. Oh, my gosh. What would that be like? Totally. I love that. I love that, you know, visualization for everybody out there.

Visualize yourself. That's why the mortality meditation is great. Visualize yourself at the end of your life and your old body that's run its course. And then all of a sudden, like, if you do this meditation tomorrow morning and you're like, Oh my God, I'm gorgeous. I'm 34. I'm healthy. I could run a mile.

I could, you know. Yeah. I mean, that's a great perspective for me because I was funny. I was going to talk about today how like I was setting up the zoom. I wanted to make sure like the background didn't look because I just painted this room that I'm in. I wanted to make sure it didn't look too dark. And so I'm playing around with the zoom. And then I see like the option in the zoom filters.

And one of them is like the mirroring. So it's like you see your face the opposite way than you normally. would in the mirroring. So I clicked that and I was like, ugh. Me time had that too. I'm like, which is weird because it's like, it's your same face. It's just like the other way. And I'm like, I see like, so I guess they say it's because like no face is really

symmetrical. Yes. Or fully symmetrical and you're used to seeing your face one way. And I was just like, ugh. Like I was like deeply upsetting for me. I was like, should I get used to this other face? Because that's what other people see me as. Right.

Because it's like the mirror image is like, how you see me. I just, I've never seen me like that. I see me how I look in the mirror. And I was like having like a little bit of like a internal mental unease because I was like, I don't like that. Like there's not like anything I can do to change that. But then bringing it back to what you're just saying where it's like to focus on that instead of, instead of just like the miracle of being like young and healthy.

Yes. All these things is, uh, it's not really, it's not really the way to do it. Totally. And it is true. it's so easy to lose sight of, but if you really think of the big picture, I love the idea of like, if you left your body, like I know a lot of the listeners are probably too young for the movie Ghost, but have you ever seen the movie Ghost? Oh, yeah. I think that reminds me, but I feel like that's one of the ones that like, because I had the older siblings. You saw. And you guys

used to make fun of it. And I was like, I know that movie probably more than most people my age because of having older siblings. Yeah. But I always think about that movie when I'm like, he, you know, it's, long story short, this guy there madly in love, it's Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze and he dies and he's there like in the peak of their love affair. It's a lot of people recognize the ceramics, like the sexy ceramic scene. With that song.

Yeah. So he dies. And then he is trying so badly to get back into his body. and when he gets to like borrow a body to get back into to like touch his lover again, it's like the most, he's so appreciative of just being able to be in a human body and touch things and feel things and experience life. So I felt a lot of gratitude this weekend after kind of having that thought of like, what are the chances that I'm alive right now? It's really small. Right. It's pretty cool. So that's true.

Beautiful. I'm going to listen to the to the death meditation and maybe I'll feel that way too. Yeah, I hope so. That's the point. All right. Let's do this. All right. If you guys have a voicemail, you want to leave us, you can leave us a voicemail at 646363, 6294. Or you can email us at oversharing at betches.com. Let's read the first email. I will read it. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I've been considering writing in for a while, but I just listened to a recent episode regarding destination weddings and figured it was to some, My best friend of 50, so many emails about destination weddings or like cause the most interpersonal issues of any fun decision that anyone's made. Totally. My best friend of 15 years is getting married in 2024.

We're both 25. So we've been friends for a long time. Her wedding plans have gotten out of hand and I'm not sure when or if it's appropriate to say something. First, she planned an engagement party in a destination that is very pricey to travel to. The flights alone were $1,000, not including lodging or other costs. About a month before the engagement party, a death occurred in their family and they decided to cancel the party. Now I'm left with $1,000 of flight credits on an airline I rarely fly. She's now decided to have a bridal shower and Bachelorette in the same location in March.

The flights that work best are now $1,300 and on a different airline. To add to this, the wedding is scheduled for a Thursday in September. She doesn't want to do a Friday, Saturday, Sunday, since that's what everyone does. I'm sure it's cheaper. Okay. in a different destination city that requires yet another flight and taking time off of work. Her plan for the wedding is to have a family-only ceremony, cocktail hour, and dinner, while their friends will have a separate dinner, no cocktail hour, no bride or groom present,

then all meet up around 9 p.m. for a reception. We were recently on the phone, and I overheard her asking her fiancé the name of his aunt and uncle for the ceremony, to which he responded that he had no idea. I'm so bothered that I'm being asked to spend at least $2,000, not including the $1,000 that is locked in flight credits between flights and accommodations, and I'm not even invited to the ceremony, but some distant aunt is. Not to mention, this is a lot of money for me in general. It's all feels extremely inconsiderate to their friends who love and care about them. How do I address this? Is there a world in which I don't go to the actual wedding? Part of me says

this is her day and she should do what she wants, but also, what the heck? Thank you, a financially overwhelmed, slightly resentful betch. Oh yeah, it's true. This whole, we've talked about this. The wedding culture stuff is so hard because it feels like you're not attending is like friendship over. Friendship ending if you don't go. But it's this, this in particular, the whole like the friends aren't even going to the ceremony. That to me, that's reason.

If that's the case, then like you could just say, I'll take you out to dinner. like when you get home. Yes. Like to celebrate your wedding. If you're not even, the ceremony is like the whole point thing. Right. So I do think her friend is acting like,

it's funny because like a lot of the times with these weddings, if you're not super self-aware of everyone around you, you can start planning the things that make most sense for you and kind of lose sight of like the fact that you want everyone to want to be there. Like she said she's doing it on a Thursday because, that she wants to be different. Like, no, it's cheaper to do it on a Thursday. Like, don't.

That's like she sounds really annoying. Right. And I do think that's part of why the other piece of why this is irritating to the friend is it does sound like perhaps, I don't know, you can tell me because you're more in this world. But like it sounds like the bride is trying to save money for herself, even by maybe not paying for dent, like inviting everybody to this dinner, to the, to the, the wedding dinner.

Like you guys go get dinner on your own. Right. And then we'll meet you after. We'll meet you after. Sounds like she's saving money, but they're, but not thinking about saving them money on flights and the destination and the whole thing. So I totally agree. I guess what do you do is the question.

And I think this is a big question for listeners in general. When you have a good friend who's going ape on a wedding and asking you to spend a ton of money, especially when it feels excessive or in this case, you're not even going to the ceremony. So I feel like in this case, this is definitely, it's almost an out. It's almost like, hey, if we're not going to be at the ceremony anyway, you know, we'd love to host a party for you guys at our apartment when you get back. And we'll, you know, even if it's a gesture like that, like, we'll host a party and celebrate you when we get back.

but between the loss of the flight on the first one and now paying again for the second, you know, Bachelorette slash bridal shower. We're not coming to the ceremony anyway. You know. Yeah. Or don't go to the Bachelorette slash bridal shower.

I would pick one of the things, not go to it. I mean, here's the thing. Everyone's entitled to do whatever they want to do for their wedding, right? This is what she wants to do. But I always say there's like the tradeoff, right?

There's like, you can do whatever you want to do at any point, but that doesn't mean that everyone else is going to be also doing whatever you want to do at any point. So like you could have, she could have this exact wedding, but that doesn't mean it's your responsibility to also do that. Like you have to plan that knowing that people are not going to come. So I think if she says to her friend, listen, I, with the, with the first flight that was canceled because of the death and the family and this whole other thing, I really just can't afford this. I really want to celebrate you. I'm I'm going to take you to dinner at whatever time is most convenient for you.

I would love to actually follow through with it because sometimes people say that and then they don't actually do it. Right. And then again, I think if that's, she's the kind of person who's not going to understand that or not understand that like what she's planning is just really burdensome on other people. I think there's something to consider about the friendship. I think it's like kind of crazy that you would, like you're the kind of person who just has no sense for everyone else in this kind of situation.

Yeah. I agree. And I think going forward for anyone who's in this situation, it might be good to give the bride or groom or whatever the perspective of the guests in the kindest, you know, like just most communicative way. Because if everyone's feeling this way and they're not aware of it, they might not, you know, they might choose to do something different if they're not just aware of how it's affecting other people. So I do think it is within your right to explain your perspective. The part of the whole wedding culture that I think we need to get rid of is this like the bride is the queen and thou shalt not approach the queen. You know, like. This is a party.

Right. Yes, I agree. So I think you can approach the queen and you can kindly say, hey, look, this is getting a bit much. This is how I feel about it. Here are the options that I'm considering, maybe even giving her the option. What would you prefer? You know, like, if we're not coming to the ceremony anyway, maybe you'd prefer that I come to the Bachelorette

because that's more of like a friend thing. But I think if this is your friend, I think it's okay to approach the friend and say, I'm struggling with this. Exactly. And she says they're best friends. So I would, best friend of 15 years, that's someone if I were planning a wedding,

I would ask. Right. Before, like, I wouldn't ask everyone that I'm inviting, but the people I really wanted to come, I would ask about, I would like do a stress test on the plans to see if they could afford it, what they thought, what was the, you know, I don't think that's crazy either. Right.

And I do think if we slowly start to break the trend of like you can't express your feelings to the bride and groom about how their wedding is going to affect you, then everyone will eventually start to maybe do that a little bit more. And everyone will be a little bit more in touch with reality about how these things are affecting. people because we're getting all these emails about it and it's also happening. I hear it from my patients and my practice. I'm sure you probably hear it from friends in your circles that it's a lot and it causes resentment. And then what happens is then the other person gets married and now they expect everyone to do the same thing for them. And so it's like this never ending cycle. It's like hazing. Yeah. Where you're like, I don't even really want to do this, but I had to go through it. So.

So like I'm going to pick the Bachelorette Destation that's kind of expensive and annoying because I had to go on all of these. And then it becomes, you know. So like you said, I think everyone can do what they want. But you can also communicate. Hey, I can't do both of these. I can pick one. Which one would you prefer that I attend? Or, you know, just I think being able to communicate with the bride or groom and let them know how you're feeling, how it's affecting you and your budget is very reasonable.

And the fact that you're not, I've never heard of that. Not being invited to the ceremony. Yes. Have you ever heard of that? I haven't actually, I've heard of people who've thought about doing that. I don't think I've heard of anyone who's actually gone through with it. I feel like the ceremony is the cheapest part. Why not invite everybody in the ceremony?

I think people think it's like intimate. So it's like they're only getting, but it's like I get to see where they're like, oh, it's intimate enough for this aunt and uncle that you don't even know the names of, but not being your best friend. You wouldn't want me. That part is, that part's pretty odd. I don't really get that. She might need a reality check on that, that like, it really actually is offending people

or like making them, you know, feel excluded or detat, like, just not connected. If you don't want, like, we're supposed to come and celebrate this thing that we're not even allowed to witness. Yeah, I would communicate on this for sure. Agreed. And she's 25. Like, no, who can afford this at 25? Yeah, seriously.

You want to read this one? Yeah, I will read this one. Hello, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I enjoy listening in every week. And now I have an issue, which I hope you can help me with. My fiance and his sister have a close relationship. I've always known that and I respect their closeness and value of family. The issue is that she is very type A and likes to be in control whenever she can.

In the beginning of my fiancee and I's relationship, they live together. She was upset that my fiancee wasn't focusing on taking care of her. like making cookies or making meals like he used to due to the fact that he was in a relationship with me. She was single at the time when their lease was up, my partner and I decided to move in together. However, he told me his sister approached him to suggest that all three of us live together, which we agreed was not going to happen. Oh my God. Yeah. Red flag. My fiance has been good on having my back when it came to conflicts with his sister when she was clearly irrational. I have had a passive-aggressive relationship with my sister-in-law for at least two years after a blow-up fight during a family trip.

She often has an attitude about something petty, especially during a family trip, and I avoided her not to get into a fight. I just don't have the patience for irrational behavior. She had a similar rocky relationship with her sister-in-law on her husband's side, but they made up. My partner noticed that his sister and I weren't close and it bothered him. It got to a point that it was affecting my relationship with him because he was first. frustrated that neither of us were budging. I finally took the plunge and reached out to her to talk it out and move on, which I'm cautiously optimistic about. Like I mentioned, she eventually met her now husband and they have a baby on the way. Randomly, she texted the family chat to let us know that her

doctor recommended that they get vaccinated to protect their baby. So she wants the family to also get vaccinated since we will be around a lot. Family members were immediately on board and replying with screenshots of their appointments. However, my partner and I were put off. We are all four vaccines and support their decision to get it done. However, we don't like that she's pressuring us in a group setting. My partner and I didn't respond to the group chat and thought that would be it. However, this time, the husband sent the same text about getting the vaccines. Sister-in-law then called my partner asking, if we got it yet, he later told me that he was just going to get it to keep the peace. I was getting mad at this point because now I'll look like the bad guy.

I did let my partner know how I felt so we finally had the conversation with the sister-in-law, letting her know our reservations. To summarize, she doesn't see it as a big deal and is trying to protect her kid. So if we don't get it done, we can't see the baby after two months. Now my fiancé went to get vaccinated because he doesn't want to be prevented from seeing the baby. I understand wanting to do all you can to protect your baby, and of course I wouldn't go near if I'm sick, but I don't agree with this medical blackmail.

Do you have any advice on how to handle this? Should I just get vaccinated to keep the peace? I've just never heard of this before. Love an unvaxed betch. So this is interesting because the first part of the email, she makes the sister-in-law sound like kind of a lunatic monster with the, you know, wanting to live together and being upset because her husband wasn't making cookies with her.

But the second half of the email, I'm like, you seem very, the person who's writing in seems very petty. Yes. Like, and it seems to me like she's not getting it done just sort of like a for a control war like to annoy her. It seems like she doesn't care about getting vaccinated. She just doesn't want to be told what to do. But I think she's wrong here personally.

She should get or not see the baby. She could not get vaccinated or not see the baby. I don't think she gets both exceptions. Right. Yeah. I totally agree. And I think what happens a lot, what I noticed, when people are getting married or getting it serious in a relationship and they're kind of becoming integrated into their partner's family, there is this period of time where you're kind of figuring out how to set boundaries. And in the beginning, it sounded like the sister was really trying to blur the boundaries. And I feel for the sister. I mean, a brother was probably like her. her surrogate partner. They live together.

Yeah, and I've never heard of a brother and sister living together. That's impressive in itself, I guess. Yeah, I mean, I think it's kind of cute and sweet and, you know, I would love it if my kids live together. But yeah, I could see why it feels weird. But yeah, so it seemed slightly enmeshed and very close. And I could see why at the beginning she had to take this strong kind of stance against distance and boundaries and like this person's a threat to our relationship.

and I really have to lean hard on the highly boundaryed side. So I think what's happening is it is very hard to kind of trust to find the middle ground between like in the beginning of this I had to set really firm boundaries to prevent from being swallowed up by my partner's family, which I think sometimes is a fear people have. When you first get together, like that their life is going to become your life. You're going to lose yourself. You're going to not have independence in the relationship or from that your partner's family. So you set really firm boundaries. And then at some point, you have to kind of balance out

and find the middle ground. So I think that's what she's struggling to do here. And it does sound like the sister's difficult. And maybe is someone that she feels because she's controlling and type A. And she probably feels like if I give her an inch, she's going to take a mile. But I do think here, this is common just for people out there. Like a lot of doctors. We've gotten emails like this. Yeah. Do recommend that family members that are seeing a newborn baby get these certain vaccines. So I think you have to respect two months will fly by. It's not that long. If you feel really strongly about not getting vaccinated, like you said, just don't see the baby for those two months.

Right. Or if you want to go get the vaccine, if you're not against it, it should be no skin off your back. I agree. I think it's a power struggle. And I think she should let go. I think the sister will appreciate it. and you just have to come back to realizing, like, I can set boundaries when I need them. I don't need to hold this wall the entire time.

Right. It feels like, again, like, I think especially when it comes to this vaccine stuff, it's sort of, it always becomes like a power struggle. And it's not even about, it's clearly not even about the vaccine. And that's why she should do it because it's about just not wanting to be told what to do because she doesn't like her. Yes. Yes.

And I think that if she removes her, self from that she'll get it it doesn't sound like the husband even cares that much maybe he's more upset about it because she's like starting this thing yes and if i were her i think you're this person's going to be in your life probably for the rest of your life if you spend it trying to you know have a contest with her over who gets to make the rules it's going to be a very unpleasant experience yes if you try to be like friendly and not contrarian to her i think you're going to have a much easier time. Totally. I agree. And I think if you with each and this is going to happen again, whatever the occasions might be. And I think if you just stop and pause and say, is this something

that I really feel strongly about? Is this something, this moment, is this really something that's making me extremely uncomfortable and I'm doing something? I'm crossing a line for myself. Then great. Set your boundary. But it doesn't sound. I could see if she was someone that's like, I've never had a vaccine in my adult life and I don't plan on ever getting one. Fine. But that doesn't sound like where she's at. So I would get vaccinated as, you know, if she's open to it, which it sounds like she is, as sort of a push for her to disengage from this power struggle and trust herself that if she needs to re-engage and she needs to reset boundaries on something that actually matters to her that she can do. The sister-in-law seems to have done everything right here. And I think she's using this past

history that she has with her where she just really doesn't like her to be like, I'm not going to let her win this one. Yes. And like get what she wants. Totally agree. And this happens in thousands of different forms in all of these different power struggle relationships where you, you know, you end up picking battles that don't really need to be picked. So this is a good olive branch. I think it actually might do more to repair your relationship with her than the conversation that you had. If you can, you know, say, okay, I'm disengaging. I'm not going to do, you know, I'm going to go out and get it. It's like a gift for her and her baby. And I think it might be the start of something good. I agree. Because I do think there, she might have, I'm going to let this go, but I do think she might,

sometimes it's almost like she wants you to say no. So that. you guys can continue this thing and she can reaff- because people just want to affirm their beliefs about people. So if you don't get it, she can reaffirm her belief that you don't like her. Yes. And that you're trying. So it's like if to prove her wrong is almost more annoying to her. Yeah. I could see that. I could definitely see that perspective. And it's just going to be like a smack, like a wake-up smack for the dynamic that they have. Like let's just change this up. I'm not going to pick random battles with you. And I do think.

think this happens when people have a baby, it's like almost similar to the wedding thing where it's like, I am the queen of the house and I am the queen of the wedding and everyone will follow my rules. So it feels very like, oh, this doesn't feel, I feel like I'm just cowtowing to everything that this person wants me to do. But there will be ones that really bother you and stand up for those ones. I don't think this is one of them. Do some intentions. I'll write them. Hi, Duran and Dr. Naomi. I'm a huge fan of the podcast and I appreciate everything you do for your listeners. I'd love your help with an intention. I got married during the pandemic and had a small family only wedding. I was so intent on quote unquote not caring about small details because at the time I wanted to focus on the fact that my husband and I were getting married and that our family was all healthy and that older relatives could be present. Because of that, I didn't work too hard to decide on hair and makeup beforehand or even do a trial with the artist. This was a destination wedding. On the day of the wedding, I felt beautiful and I liked my hair and makeup. I checked in with the artist as she went and approved everything she did.

It's two years later and when I look at our wedding photos, my eye immediately goes to how I look too made up and not like myself. I even prefer to frame the photos of us that are further away as the up-close ones just make me focus on this detail. I know that I can't go back and redo my makeup, L.O.L. But it irritates me that this is what I see when I look back on my wedding day. When I close my eyes and remember the day, it was perfect. I'm filled with feelings of gratitude for how it all went, for the fact that I got to marry my incredible husband, and for the fact that it was just a beautiful day filled with love and family.

How do I stop hyper-focusing and fixating on what my makeup look like when I walk past our framed photos? Thank you for your help with this one. A, wish she cared more at the time, Betch. Yeah, I like this question. It seems kind of trivial, but I think it. you know, it's an interesting insight into where you focus your attention. You know, like I always say, where you put your attention is where you live your life. So I love that she was in the moment.

I love that I hope, I really hope she can find her way out of being regretful about not focusing on the, you know, external details of the wedding. And she enjoyed the energy and the vibe and the love and, you know, having her older relatives there. and like all the things that really matter is what you focused on, which is exactly as it should be. I would honestly just not put the pictures that you don't like in a box and don't look at them. I don't think you need to have the photos up that are not your favorite photos. No, no need.

Yeah, I agree. Sounds like she has ones that she likes that are further away. And like I understand. I can relate to being like, again, I was just talking about that at the beginning of this episode, like seeing my mirrored face and feeling like triggered in itself. So I think that it is funny how intensely just a bad picture of yourself can trigger you. Yes. I don't know why that is.

I guess there's this feeling of like because you can't see yourself from outside of yourself. I think there's this feeling of like, does everyone see? Is that what everyone else sees? Yes. And like have I been, you know, under the illusion that I look completely different this entire time? Yes, I think that you hit the nail on the hat. I think it's like this feeling of I like almost naivete. Like I felt so beautiful, but I looked terrible.

Like, you know, like I kind of. Everyone thinking that. Right. Like I kind of like the way I look. But then when I see the way that I look from other people's perspective, it's not how I feel about myself at all. I think these are specific examples. She probably just, what I love about this listener is I think partially,

what she didn't like about it was that she didn't look like herself. Like she looked like overly made up. And she looked like too much trying too hard, even though she feels like she didn't try hard enough. I think you just probably had a makeup artist that did it a little overdone. But everything, all the good stuff is there. So I personally would put up the photos that you like. I'm sure your husband's not going to care if you're like, hey, don't love that photo. it takes my mind away from like that photo doesn't represent the energy and the vibe that I remember from the wedding. Right. So put up the photos that represent the energy and the vibe from your wedding that you love.

Like I have photos from my wedding and there's like friends in those photos that I haven't spoken to and that were in my wedding party that I haven't spoken to in 10 years. So it's like those aren't my favorite photos. Like those aren't, you know, I'm not going to put those photos up where I can see them. Or like, if I look at those photos, I'm kind of like, makes me a little sad. Like, oh, you know, like I'm not really friends with that person anymore. So, you know, I think the ones that you have up that you're walking past that you're thinking about should be the ones that make you feel like all the real genuine vibes of what you felt on the day. I agree.

What if she happens to see the pictures in the box and just record? Boyle. Do you have an intention for her? Yeah, or if she wants to leave them if it's like her husband's favorite photo or somehow, you know, I, you know, I wrote, I will close my eyes and remember our wedding experience is held in our hearts, not in our photos. Because she said when she closes her eyes and she remembers the day, it was all love and confidence and happiness and all the good things. So these photos, it's almost like the same thing. Like you'll see photos of like even like a couple, right? You'll see photos of a couple on Instagram and they look like so happy and perfect. And you're like, well, I was there that night and they both ended up like drunk

screaming at each other on the street afterwards. Right. So like the photo that you take where you're like smiling and happy and you look amazing might also not be reality just as this photo where your face is like caked up with makeup. it wasn't the reality of how you felt on that day. So photos are just a snapshot of a particular set of lighting and a moment in time that is not the entire picture. So I think if she can, she said when she closes her eyes and goes back to that moment,

I think she can close her eyes and remember that what she experiences in her heart is the real experience of her wedding. Right. There's some pressure. Maybe she probably paid a lot of money for the photos. So that's kind of disappointing or whatever. But pick the ones that you love, the ones that represent your actual wedding and put the rest of them in a box.

It's like, like you said, it's way better than the alternative. Like if she looked incredible, but she had like an awful time. And I'm sure there are many people that like have a wedding where they looked great. And for some reason they were like stressed out or wasn't in the moment. they were like so worried about what was happening and who was there and what the timing was and they had a little bit of stain on the bottom of their dress and yeah but the photos look perfect people who get married like the second time like maybe they married the wrong person the first time be like the first wedding is always like the big to do and the second one is just like very low key

situation like this because you realize that none of that other stuff really matters yes it's way better that you have that experience in your heart and the photos don't represent it. Let's do some triggers. All right. I'm ready. Okay. I'll read the first one? Sure.

Dear oversharing sisters. My mom told me she's getting a necklift this year before her 60th birthday. When she told me, I said I didn't think she needed it, but hope it makes her happy. We didn't talk much more about it, but I found myself feeling triggered since. The main reason is that I feel like I have her neck. so I've been fixated with my own neck and other signs of aging. She has also had fillers that have always looked very natural, but recently her lips just look fake.

Of course I'd never say this to her. I'm 35 and personally don't want to go there with injectables, so in the age of baby Botox, it's definitely challenging to confidently age naturally. I imagine how powerful it will be for my own, yet to be conceived, children, to have an example of someone who embraces natural aging. It makes me sad that I won't get to look at my mom as she ages and see my future self reflected back, but instead a, quote, plastic version. I genuinely think she's beautiful and does not need this procedure,

so it also just seems like a waste of money and an unnecessary surgical risk. How triggered can I be? Should I talk to my mom about this or is it not my place? Thanks for reading. Don't want my mom to get botched, bitch. This is an interesting email. Yeah. Yeah.

I can understand why it would be like triggering, like she wants to make herself look less like her daughter in some ways. Right. That's how she's feeling about it like she looks. But to me, it's kind of, it seems like an aging thing, like an intense fear of aging that her mom has. And in terms of what she should say to her, I always think these things are not, you don't need to say anything unless you're asked.

if you're asked, you could say, you know, I think you look so beautiful. I don't, I don't even really think you need this. But I think to tell someone that they shouldn't do something, it's like, your mom is a person besides you, and this is something that she feels like she wants to do. And maybe it's not something that you would do for yourself or that you agree with, but it's not really your body. Yeah. I agree. I don't think there's a place. Depends on her relationship with her mother. If they're very close and they talk about everything and she can kind of just say, you know, how she's feeling about it and that in a nice kind way, like, I just love you and I would love to watch, you know, your aging unfold naturally. And I think you're beautiful the way you are.

And, you know, it's bringing up stuff for me about my, you know, aging process and how I feel about it. And I guess it's making me feel, you know, uncomfortable or, you know, insecure about my appearance. I think she could say that not as like, I don't want you to do this. you shouldn't do this, but just like this is what it's bringing up for me if they have that type of relationship. Right. Something tells me they don't because she said her mom got lip injectables that don't look good and she doesn't feel like she can say anything or would never, she said would never say

something. Right. Although I guess that's a little retroactive, which is probably less helpful. Right. The situation. I think she could say that. I think what it sounds like it maybe is really about is a fear that her mom is. mom is judging the way that she looks to or doesn't think that she's beautiful. Right. Because to me,

it's like, whether it's your mom or anyone else, like, why it probably would be like the same level of triggering. But there seems to be something about like you do not feel like we are beautiful. Yes. Not even like yourself. It's like me and you. And I see that with, there's another email that I, that I think I'm going to put in for next week's episode that very much along those lines that I think is really interesting about like how plastic surgery sort of affects the other people that have. who are left with the other, with the traits that still exist. Yes. Yes.

It is really interesting because you do share these traits. And if one person is not liking it, they feel like, well, I'm not liking me. And that doesn't affect you. But if you see yourself in them, I think that does happen a lot, whether it's even with personality traits, you know, like if the parent is kind of like, oh, I hate this thing about myself and you're like, oh, I have that too. Like, do you hate that about me? Yeah, it's a really interesting concept.

And I think it's maybe even if she doesn't have it now, it's more like, are you going to think that I'm unattractive as I age if I leave this thing alone, which is what I'm planning to do. Yeah. And you see that a lot with like, I think mothers and daughters in weight. Yes. Where if the mother is like obsessively compulsive about like complaining about how she feels fat or has gained weight or something like that, it can make the daughter feel like, okay, well, if you're judging yourself based on this. then you're clearly judging me. Yes. And I don't think that that's totally crazy to think.

A hundred percent. And I think nobody's doing it on purpose, but it is good to be mindful. And it even teaches like the way that you talk about yourself. Like it, you know, your kids will model that way of thinking of talking about themselves. You know, in the way you talk about other people. If you're always constantly gossiping and saying negative things about other people, your kids are going to be like, okay, that's like a normal way to talk about other people. That's a normal way to talk about myself.

So maybe I'm not going to say it out loud, but that's going to be my internal dialogue about myself. So this is really interesting. And I do think there's something, the whole topic of like aging naturally is it's a tough one because we are comparing ourselves to all the rest of this. And I've talked about this even personally about coloring my hair. Right. which is still black. Yes. So it is.

And I kind of regret ever starting. And I think for you, even for example, as my younger sister, I don't know. I mean, do what you want. But I sort of feel like when you get to that point, like I think it just, I almost wish I would have just let it naturally run its course. And then you have like this little peppery, like natural looking integration. it's interesting, it's almost like symbolic. You have this natural looking integration of the gray into your hair. Mm-hmm.

Versus now that I'm fighting it and I'm coloring it. If I stop, it just looks like this delineation of like where I started and where I stopped. So it's like now I almost can't really go back. Right. You're in the cycle. Well, it's something to consider. I'll let you know when I get to that point. Yeah.

I mean, look, to each their own, but for those of you out there thinking about it, it doesn't seem like a big decision when you first start doing it. And I guess maybe because I have black hair, so it's like, it's like, right. You know, it's not like if I'm like light brown and there's like gray growing in, it's not as bad. It's like a delineation. And I, I don't want to say I regret it because I try not to think like that. But I do wish I would have kind of let it run its course and kind of fill in naturally. I think, but I think if you had the gray hair, there would still be some days where you were like, I wish I looked younger. Right.

I feel old. And gray hair is really. Yeah. And I think, and for men, it can look like distinguished and like whatever, but it does, there is this sense. I think there is this like very real sense that as like the older you are as a woman or once you're past that like child bearing age, like society just cares a little bit less about. you. And I think that's part of the race to like feel like you're still young. And I'm not saying, I don't think it's right. But I think for older women in particular, there is this feeling of like, the more you like lean into looking old, like the more invisible you become just like in society.

Yeah. And gray hair is just kind of like there's no chance that you have gray hair and you're not like, quote unquote old. Like. Right. It's very clear marking of your age. Of your age. age. Like if you have a little wrinkle, it's kind of subjective, like, how many wrinkles do you have? And right, you know, how deep are they? But like, once you go gray, it's kind of like that's the marker of age. And so it's a, it's a tough call. I get, you know, I'm still doing it as you can see. But I, you know, it is, it would be nice as part of my whole like acceptance of life and moving and stages and like my aging body and almost this reminder when you look in the mirror of like I'm I have my 85 years and that's it so it's marching along and I should be grateful for it

instead of like using the signs of your aging as like this grasping like desperate clinging right to kind of be like okay I have this human body that's running its course And I need to be grateful for every moment that I have in it. Well, the tough part is it's like when it turns gray, it kind of feels like a literal decaying. It is. Yes. And that's like the, I think that's the scary part of that that in particular. It's like what it's like a literal.

Like you're on the down slope now. Right. The prime days of your life are now like. Behind your. Or kind of done. Yeah. And that's a scary thing. So I would have a little, I would have a little sympathy for this person's mom.

Yeah. But I think it's nice that she wants to do it differently, but she also might feel differently the older she gets. Yeah. So for sure. But again, it comes back to even the everything we're talking about with like you're clinging, clinging, clinging in a way that makes your current life feel like anxious.

And you want to change it and desperate instead of noticing that you're doing the clinging thing and then coming back into gratitude. Right. Of like, okay, I still have this life. I still can enjoy this life. And yes, my body is decaying. Thank you, because you are not great yet, and I am. But thanks for the reminder.

No. Yes, no. And it's true. It's hard to hear, but if you can sit in it and just accept the reality of that, and you can still be beautiful and you can still be full of life, but it is almost like this perfectly placed reminder of the short time that we get to inhabit this body and hopefully use it to find gratitude instead of the opposite, which is like this anxious clinging that just almost wastes our time.

Right. Or is distraction from, you know, doing something meaningful. Totally agree, although I have gotten Botox, so I don't know. I guess I kind of agree. Kind of a great kind of don't Right. Well, I mean, I kind of think a lot of this, like a lot of this stuff is like I do this so that I don't think about it. Yeah.

But like, yeah, the best option would be that I don't think about it and I don't need to do it. Yes. But to me, it's like the second best option is to just do it and then not even and then spend less time thinking about it. Right. No, I get that because it is upsetting. But it's almost like if you can breathe into that wave of like. It's like band-aids. Yes, it's mandates because it's happening.

Eventually, it doesn't actually slow the process with which you will die. It just slows the process of you notice. Like you're dying. Anyway, yeah, I think if you feel comfortable, you can talk about it, or you can just use it to kind of, if you're buying what I'm putting out there about like appreciating your body that you can look at, you know, the parts of you that are aging and use it as a reminder to be grateful for our fleeting time on this earth. That would be ideal.

Yeah, but I would give her mom getting a necklift, a three on the triggering scale for me. Because I think if our mom got a necklift, I don't think I would be triggered by it. Right. Yeah. I don't know. No, I, just by personal comparison. Totally. I mean, but look, like you make the analogy almost of like if you and your mom have the same

nose and she gets a nose job, then you're kind of like, oh, we literally have the same nose. Like, what does that mean? Do you think I should get a nose job? Yeah, I guess if it was like, if I was insecure about my neck and then my mom fixed her neck, I'd be like, take me with you. Discount. Yeah. So yeah, I could, I could see it. I would give it a little bit higher just because I think it's triggering, but you can use this trigger as an opportunity to kind of lean into the acceptance of yourself and your aging, which is difficult. I'll give this a five if they really do have like the same kind of neckline and it's triggering that for her. All right, let's do another one. All right. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I love the podcast. I'm always so excited to listen.

Recently, I encountered a situation that really triggered me. My brother and his girlfriend who lived together invited me over for a party they were throwing. They made sure to let me know that I could bring a plus one. Recently, I've started dating a new guy that they are eager to meet. He was going to be out of town that weekend, so I went to the party on my own. When I got there, I saw my ex's best friend there. My brother's girlfriend is very close friends with the wife of this guy. I felt so blindsided. My frustration isn't so much with them also being at the party, but instead that my brother and his girlfriend encouraged me to bring the new guy I am dating and did not give me a heads up that this friend would also be there. They're fully aware of the friendship between this guy and my ex

because they met through him. So I'm just not buying that they were ignorant of the situation they were putting me in. I haven't confronted either of them about it because they're the type to play the victim and turn things around on you. But am I right to be triggered? Sincerely a blindsided I think if it was the ex who was there, that would be really triggering. Yeah. But if it's the ex's friend that you know that she says the brother's girlfriend is like very close with the wife of him right i'm confused because i almost feel like you might want to bring a person to a party that your ex or your ex's friend was going to be at so you're like with somebody yeah no i agree i think that was like nice of them to encourage her to do that i guess she was like why wouldn't you just

tell me that he was going to be there instead of just like telling me to bring a plus one and then not and then surprising me right like almost maybe that they felt like the bringing the plus one was like them like protecting her without telling her what she was they were protecting her from i guess a heads up would have been nice but again i think it's it's not the ex it's his friend yeah so i think i could see i could see why someone wouldn't feel the need to mention it but i can see why someone would feel the need to mention it yeah i i i i get it. I feel the same way. I think it would have been nice to say, hey, so-and-so is going to be there, like the friend. But again, I'm going to rate this low because it wasn't the X himself. And

they all, I could see the opposite if they said, did not allow her to bring a plus one and knew that this guy was going to be there, that that would be almost more triggering. It's like you knew that he was going to be there and you wanted me to be there alone. Right. And I could see on their end where it's like this person's kind of our friend now. Yeah. Like the. the brother's girlfriend's friends with her. Like it wasn't, it shouldn't be so shocking that she would have been invited to that. Yeah.

But I think it's fine to say like, hey, heads up seeing this guy makes me really uncomfortable. Yes. Next time he's going to be there. Would you give me a heads up? Yes. And look,

I get it. There is a strong, if you date someone and they have a best friend that you hang out with a lot or hung out with a lot when you were together, seeing them, there's like a strong association. You know, it's like,

almost the next. thing to seeing the actual person. I could see seeing their best friend that probably you spent a ton of time with. And the only time you saw that person was with your ex. So there's just a very strong association. So I could see why she had probably like a visceral body reaction in seeing him. And there could have been a warning. So she could have been prepared.

So I still give it like a three. I agree. I think if it was the ex, it would have been like, A seven. Yeah. But. Yeah. I still give it relatively low.

But I think she could say, hey, you know, I don't know how fresh out of this thing is. She is, but like he still kind of triggers me. It reminds me a lot of like that time in my life. So if he's going to be around, just give me a heads up so I can sort of prepare myself. Right. I think that's fine. And then it's not like accusatory to them because I don't think it was like some huge ambush. No.

Yeah. Yeah. They might not have realized it's not the ex. It's the ex's friend and we're friends with him. So no big deal. Right. And you know that. Right.

Maybe the bigger piece is that they almost like told her without telling her. Like they knew she was going to be upset. So they encouraged her to invite the guy she's dating without really letting her know why. Yeah. And maybe they didn't like know he was going to come last minute invites like that. Who knows? I think there's a lot of different. different factors that could have affected how premeditated this was.

Yes, I don't think it was at all. But you could let them know, especially if they're friends with him. Like, give me a heads up if he's going to be there. I just want to prepare myself. Right. Okay. Well, yeah, so we give that. What did we give it?

Three. Three. You would a three. Yeah. Yeah. Good luck. Solved a lot of issues today. Yeah.

I hope so. I hope we help some people. I'm going to check in on your mortality meditation next week. Yes. No cheating. Get it done. Listeners want to know. I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it today. All right. I'm not plane rides. I'm going to do it then. Oh, yeah. All right. I think this whole plane could go down right now. You know, I have like kind of a high death drive.

I don't get scared of that kind of stuff. Okay, good. So do it on the plane. Yeah. Perfect. That'll be fun. All right. All right.

That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby. Editing by Jazz Apados. Guest booking by Allie Friedlander. And send your emails to oversharing at Betches.com. Betches