Oversharing - How Obligated Should You Feel To Express Your Political Opinions On Social Media?

Episode Date: June 14, 2022

Jordana starts off this week by sharing about her recent work in becoming more grounded, and Naomi reveals how slowing down can actually help in preventing the urge to overshare. Then they respond to a listener voicemail all about how the urge to mention her relationship history too early has backfired. Why do we often feel the need to divulge too much, too early? Next they read a Betchicist email from a listener who is feeling pressure from her sister to express outraged on social media about social justice movements. Lastly, they end on a game of Triggered covering how to respond when someone else comments on your body image, being the “learning experience” child, and how to feel when you’re not invited to your own parent’s party. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. So good to be back with you.

How's everything been since we've spoken less? Everything's great. I'm really excited for this. We had a little bit of time between our recordings. So I've been itching to get back in and talk. I'm excited about today's topics, too. Same. I think we've got great emails.

And we have a voicemail, which is great. And, you know, if you guys want to share your voicemails, our hotline is 646363, 6294. So send in an overshare for that. And it's funny. So since we talked, I didn't exactly meditate. I know we were having a little check-in about that. Yes. But I did go to a vocal coach yesterday, actually.

So I thought it would be an interesting experience to share. Interesting. Yeah, sure. I went basically, I, you know, being from Long Island, I'm sure you either have this or have heard of this. The vocal tick of just kind of like saying like constantly. Oh, I was going to talk about that today because I read the reviews and I saw that somebody said, on the one of the reviews, one of the podcasters says like too much. I'm like, is that me or is that you? Pretty sure it's me.

So I went back and listened and I think it was both of us. And I think it's you can take the girl out of Rosalind, but you can't take Rosalind out of the girl. Exactly. Yeah. And I mean, I've been getting that feedback for, I've been podcasting for like five years. So I've been getting that feedback for a while.

So I was kind of Jared had gone because he was like speaking too much and his voice was tired. He went to this guy. and I asked him how it was and he said it was great. He wasn't sure if he could help with my thing. And I asked him and he was basically like he could help me with some tips. But it's interesting because when I went yesterday, it was almost more in line with, I thought you would really think it was interesting. It was almost more of a body meditation.

Ooh, okay. Tell me more. Yeah. So I guess the theory is something called the Alexander method and something about basically how your speech or your whole. anything that you're saying is very related to your body and if it's open or if it's closed, like if it's tense or if it's anxious. And a lot of vocal issues people have are kind of just a disconnect from the mind and the body. Right. That makes perfect sense.

It's kind of what he was saying. And we did a whole body scan of, you know, where you're kind of, he was like, there's a lot of people have issues with grounding and grounding is kind of how you hold your legs and how like are your legs relaxed is your body relaxed it's not about posture it's not about being like upright necessarily or slumped over it's about just being like natural and he was saying that if you look at little kids they have they just kind of naturally sit in like a normal relaxed way right until they get to a certain age and then they start their posture changes as they sort of take in like the criticisms of are aware of

of other people's perceptions of them. Yes. It's so true. And I have obviously a four-year-old and then a 10-year-old. And my 4-year-old still doesn't care, doesn't think about what other people are thinking about him. And it's a whole different world than my 10-year-old who's incredibly aware that other people might be having judgments of her. And it does. It changes your whole sense of self. So, oh, that's interesting. Because obviously the like thing some people say um some people say like i noticed i was kind of like busting jeff's balls a little bit because he says you know and so then you know he always you know you know so everyone has these little pauses that they create to just give them space to think or fill i guess on a podcast especially you're filling the air but yeah i could see how it comes from maybe a little bit

of anxiety or lack of being in the present right it's a very interesting. I mean, it's very hard to change. Like, if I could have changed it, I would have done it a long time ago. I don't realize I'm doing it. And I do it a lot. Even think, you know what I mean? Even when you think about it. I wonder if thinking about it almost makes it worse. Right. Well, the idea he said is to go slower, try to have more body, mind awareness. Let your body be like loose and relaxed. And that could help. We'll see. This was just yesterday. So I'm still going to do it. This isn't like a finished product.

That it's not happening. It's definitely still happening. But I thought it was interesting. And I'm going to try to apply the technique. This is my first podcast post session. So I'm going to try to apply the techniques see if it works. Totally. I love it.

And I think it's, you know, when you talk to people who are really practice meditation a lot, and this isn't even myself. I'm talking about people that do an hour a day, every day or more, you notice that they speak slower. They just have a calmer, slower way of, they're very intentional about their thoughts. They're not speaking out of anxiety. They're not filling space with chatter. So I could see how that might be helpful. I like that. The idea of don't, I mean, that's one of my favorite quotes is don't speak unless you can improve upon the silence. Right. I have never heard that. I like that. Okay. I think it's a Gandhi quote or something. Someone very wise, not me, said it. And I like that. I like that. I,

idea because I do feel like a lot of the times people just speak to say things or because they feel weird. And that will bring, I mean, it's interesting because our overshare this week, our overshare voicemail is kind of all about that too. It's kind of why do we feel the need to constantly say something. It kind of goes. And part of it's sort of probably an insecurity and part of it's just being in your own like your head voice disconnect. Right. It really all comes together. Now it is time for the overshare voicemail of the week. Jordana, before we get into this week's overshare voicemail, can you think of any times when you've overshared something in public and maybe wish you could take it back?

Maybe one of those embarrassing moments that rattles around in your brain years later. Sure. Yeah. I mean, it's funny. I remember having a meeting the day after. It was kind of a conference call the day after a night out. And I was not feeling my best. somehow decided to announce to the group of people that I was hung over, which was probably not the most professional setting. It's kind of, because in my head, especially as someone who works in comedy or likes to keep it real,

you're sort of like, okay, the whole company vibe is sort of owning your, owning your shit. So I should just say it, people will like appreciate that. And then after in my head, I'm like,

that was really unprofessional. Like, if someone else said it, I might be judgmental. I don't know. Like, I shouldn't have. And then you think about it. Usually it's more that night when you're trying to go to sleep.

Right. Right. And you're thinking, why did I say that? Why did I say that? After you said it, was it like uncomfortable? Not really. I think people think it's funny, but it's also, it also in the different position where I'm running the company.

So even if someone did think it was kind of weird, I don't think anyone would say anything to me. And that's a whole other layer of the whole thing is you get a sense of, do I think this is cute and funny and like quirky or does everyone else think that I sound really stupid but they can't say anything because I'm their boss or something. Totally. Right. Like I mean, you've mentioned that on here before. Your worst nightmare is like other people like not getting the memo, like are not being other people having thoughts and feelings about you that they're talking about that you're not aware of. And so I can see, I never thought about that as like, you know,

in a executive position or like as a boss that you're not going to get feedback. You know, it's almost like, I always think of like Michael Jackson where he was so powerful and he had so many people that were probably just telling him, yes, that looks great. Yes, that looks amazing. The nose job. Love it. Totally. And he and so he was like totally clueless about how he was coming off to the world because

he had so many yes people. I'm not saying you're in that exact position. But no, that's a big fear. I think that's a thing. And I, you know, you have to think and it's true. I mean, it can relate to anything. If you think about the power imbalance in any situation, that's always something you have to think about. And that's such a huge thing, not only with like celebrities doing crazy stuff that no one's calling them out on.

But, you know, you have things like, I think of the, the Me Too movement, you know, when someone's like, I thought we were, you know, I thought it was cool. we were both kind of like thought this was funny. Right. Or thought this was okay. And then you have, but then you're not thinking about the power imbalance. So you're not thinking about why someone would might not feel comfortable telling you that they don't think something is funny or okay or they think it's inappropriate. But it is something you,

I do feel like it's important to to think about. Totally. Well, if you're feeling brave, you can send out an anonymous survey to all of the employees and ask them. There are real true thoughts on you. This will not affect your bonus. Exactly. We do do that on occasion.

We do survey the employees, which is good. That's nice. But I thought that was very interesting. It really all relates back to each other. All right. Well, enough about our overshare moments. Let's go to the voicemail. Hi, Dr. Bernstein and Jordana.

My oversharing question is this. I'm 35 years old and I'm divorced. I'm sure a lot of other people are in this situation. but I was with my partner, my ex-husband for many years. We were a high school sweetheart. Married 10 years together almost 20. And the oversharing issue I have is when I meet you people, whether it's possible dates or just friends of friends that don't necessarily know what happened,

I immediately go into damage control mode if I'm asked about what happened. I caught my ex-husen cheating. So, I don't know, I guess I don't, I don't want these people that ask me whether or not I'm married, dating, whatever, and I have to say divorce to think, I don't know, I'm a bad partner or something like that. So if I'm asked that, I immediately go into, I was cheated on, blah, blah, blah, and I kind of give up background. And I know that's not necessary. And I definitely have gotten, like, cringe, really back moments the next day where I'm like, oh, I should have said that. So my oversharing is that, like, how do I not feel like I have to explain why I was divorced when someone asked me if I'm divorced? I'm sure a lot of people are in the same situation, men and women. So any advice would be appreciated. And that is my overturing question.

Thank you. I noticed very few, if any, likes in her. So she's already ahead of us. I love the voicemail. I love her Midwestern accent. It's super cute. And so I really like hearing people's actual voices. So send your voicemails in. I love hearing this. Love it. All right. What do you think? I was interested in and she didn't really include this in the voicemail unless I missed it. What are the questions that are coming up that are leading her to like is it are you seeing anyone? Is it are you married? Like what are the prompts that are coming up that she feels unequipped to answer? Because I feel like most people do not ask you if you are divorced. or why you've ever been married or that type of thing. Right.

Yeah, it does sound like she almost feels like that is a part of her initial identity that she has to reveal. Like, I think on, I don't know, on some of the dating apps, it says like single, married, separated, divorced. Is that a thing? I'm not, you know. Does it say divorce? I mean, maybe it just says single married separated or. Yeah, I mean, I would hope it wouldn't say married. Single.

I'm sure there are apps. where it's at where there's an option for divorce. So maybe she feels like that's something that she has to put out there right away. So maybe it's a good point. Maybe we start with that. Just that's not something. I'm not saying you want to get six months in without telling somebody that. But I don't think that's something that, you know, that's something that can come up when you just talk about when you get to the conversation about past relationships. I don't think that has to be like, hi, my name is Rachel. I'm 35 and I'm divorced. You know, I don't think that has to be right off the bat.

Exactly. Or if someone asks you, you know, if you're in a relationship, the most like common way it would come up as someone would ask her if she's in a relationship or if she's dating anyone. And if I think it's, this is a question that a lot of it depends on who you're talking to. So if you know you're talking to a coworker or someone you met at a party, you could say, I'm actually single. I'm not seeing anyone right now. I don't even think you need to discuss the fact that you're divorced. Yep. I have a feeling she's talking. perhaps more about the dating situation. On dates, yeah. Yeah, on dates or on a first date where she feels like she wants to kind of get it out there right away. You know, like some people feel like if they have kids, that's something that has to be announced, like right away, first date, I have kids, you know, that's not something that you can wait to say.

But yeah, I don't think that that's, I think it can just start with, I'm single. And, you know, depending on, she didn't mention kids, but depending on whether or not she has kids, her divorce is like a breakup like any other breakup, you know? Right. I don't think needs to necessarily be discussed on the first date. But yes, at some point she's going to have to say that. But yes, the big question is, why does she feel the need to it? Once she announces that she's been divorced.

Right. She feels the need to explain the reasons behind it that she was cheated on. And that's where I think she, you know, for me, it comes back to her own confidence in herself, her decisions, her path, her truth about what happened, and being able to stay confident enough to know that without having to be able to say, yes, I'm divorced without any further explanation because she's confident that that doesn't make her a bad partner like she said or that it doesn't mean that she's incapable of making a relationship work. And the other piece, which is the advice that I think you give and I always kind of give in terms of dating is if

that's going to scare somebody away, then they're probably not for you. Like, they're too judgmental or they're not open to, you know, some gray area in relationships. Like either you make it work or you don't, you know, so if they're not, you know, going to be open to that and they're going to be scared away by that by you just saying, I'm divorced. If they have a question, they can ask it. But her feeling like she needs to jump in and fix it, I think that's a confidence issue probably on her part. I totally agree. I think you said that really well. Like if she, maybe one thing she wants to think about, especially if this is about dating, is maybe before you get back into dating, thinking about, where am I putting this divorce within the context of my life? How have I fully processed it?

How do I think about it? How do I actually feel about it? Because if she's unsure about how she feels about it, that's probably what's giving her a lot of anxiety about talking to others about it. Because she's kind of like, I want to tell them about it in a way that they think it looks the most positively about me. Right. But she doesn't even know, doesn't seem like she fully has figured out exactly what happened and how that's affected her. And I think that's a really interesting and really important conversation to have with anyone you're dating. If I was dating someone who was divorced, I don't think I would be opposed to dating to someone who was divorced, but I would find it very interesting and be able to learn a lot about them by hearing how they processed it. hearing what they thought about it, what they learned from it. How do they, how they're going to do

things differently going forward? Those are all really interesting conversations. And I'd kind of, that to me, would be the most important thing to hear if they had been divorced so that I could know what state they were in now. And to me, it's almost like she's not fully ready to be dating because she's not really sure. It seems like she's not fully sure, again, how to process what happened. Might be worth speaking to someone about in terms of how does this fit into the grand scheme of my life. I could take a step away from it. How do I see it? And it's funny because we get this question on you up a lot about someone feels this. And you could feel the same kind of anxiety about anything. Any insecurity that you have, right? Yeah. Sometimes we had a very recent

email where someone was like, I get very, I don't know how to answer it when someone asked me why I'm single. Right. And it's because you feel insecure about that and because you're kind of like, Why am I single? I don't know. Right. And I think if you know, then you'll be really confident in explaining it to someone else. And I actually feel like that'll make you a better person to date, a more interesting person to date. If someone meets you, they'll think that you understand yourself and you know where you're coming from and you know where you're going. It's very rarely ever about someone's circumstances and much more about how they're dealing with that circumstance, at least to me. Right. 100%. And everyone, makes relationship mistakes. Everyone, I don't think there's a person that hasn't, you know, been in a relationship where that wasn't right or done something in a relationship that was, you know, not ideal. So I think like you're saying, introspection and being able to verbalize your own introspection is the most important thing. So, so there's two questions here. I agree with you. I think that's like she can have this conversation. And if she was having it

in a way that felt better. Maybe it wouldn't come off as what she's saying feels like it's just a rattling off of excuses or like a rattling off of all the dirty deeds that her husband did, you know, almost like, you know. As a way to justify why she's in this position. Right. Exactly. And look, I'm not saying I have no idea what happened in her relationship.

But yeah, it probably would be good to do some introspection on was there disconnection before he cheated or, Was there what led to that type of thing? And this is not your fault. He cheated. That was his bad. But it doesn't hurt to sit down like Jordana's saying and explore the concept of, you know, where did the disconnection start?

What role may I have played in that just so you can have, you can kind of clean out all those wounds so you can come forward and be like, yes, I have a really good understanding of how this happened. You guys were together in high school. So just by virtue of. that alone, it could lead to something that may not end up working, you know, down the road because maybe perhaps you were just too young. So I do agree that having some good insight into, you know, almost like all vulnerabilities, they're not, I mean, some of them are never going to go

away. But if you can really, again, the mindfulness piece, the piece of like, where are my triggers. What gets me going here and leaning into those places so you can kind of desensitize yourself instead of what most people do, which is avoid those places. And they don't want to go there because they're painful. But if you can go there and stay there with a therapist or by yourself or in a meditation and just be like, okay, maybe I, whatever it is for this woman, maybe I wasn't emotionally available to him and he was seeking something out somewhere else. And again, I'm not justifying his actions, but whatever that painful piece is, which it probably comes from some insecurity and something she did in the relationship or a way that she wasn't able to make it work, I'm sure it usually

takes some type of a dynamic to break up a marriage, not 100% of the time. So I don't know the story here. But if there is some insecurity there, like you're saying, it makes sense for her to kind of dig into that a little bit, be able to breathe into it, be able to accept it, have some insight, and potentially down the road share that with her next partner. I don't know if that's first date conversation, but it could. I mean, it's kind of like if you're talking about, if you've processed something well, I don't think anything really feels like off limits entirely, if you feel confident talking about something. Totally. Yeah. Like you said, I think there's no one who hasn't gone through something, no one who has no insecurities, no one who has no vulnerabilities, no one who has

nothing they're working on. If they are, they're probably kind of an egomaniac. If they don't think they have anything in their life to work on. Right. And just completely avoidant of anything that might make them feel badly about themselves. Right. And another way you could think about it is this kind of is part of, you know, you've lived. This is part of your story. This is an interesting thing about you. And if you deal with it the correct way, you come out on the other side of it, this is something that's character building that's taught you lessons that you, you know, can take with you moving forward. I think you, the goal. isn't to find someone who's never been through anything and everything has just gone perfectly

for them. That sounds like a pretty boring person or someone who wouldn't really have much to add or insight on on much going on. I think the goal is to take those things, work through them, and then you have interesting thoughts about them. Right. And again, if the person on the other end is going to be more turned off by you saying, yes, I'm divorced, you know, I was, whatever it is, this is my role in it. Like I did do some things that led to maybe some disconnect in the relationship. He ended up cheating on me or whatever. And if that person is going to be so turned off by the fact that you have that you made a mistake in your relationship 10 years ago, then that's not a person that's going to be really accepting of you in general and supportive of you, you know,

doing your own soul searching and improving upon yourself. So, you know, if he would rather that you show up with a perfect relationship record with little. insight or any introspection, then he's probably not really looking for the deep connection that perhaps you are. So I think it's okay to go there. But I think her question is, which I'd like to help her with is how does she prevent the oversharing? You know, like the, with, maybe it's with a coworker or somebody that's like, oh, I'm divorced. My husband cheated on me. He was with this girl, blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever it is. It's like, okay, you don't necessarily need to do that. Yeah. I think the first step in that is to realize that you don't,

don't owe anyone an explanation of the full story, again, unless you're in a deep, committed, intimate relationship with them. And you can give as many details as you feel comfortable with. And there's a lot of phrases that you can do to sort of let people know that you, you know, are answering the question, but you're not interested in discussing it, which is also fine. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

And I think there's some of that that's, you know, again, like you said, is she just offering that up right away or is she answering a question? If she's offering it up right away, then like maybe she should reconsider that. That that doesn't need to be part of her whole identity is that she was divorced. But if someone is saying, have you, you know, I don't know what, like you said, I don't know what somebody would ask. Have you ever been married? Are you seeing anyone? Right.

And then she's like, someone's like, are you seeing anyone? She's like, no, I'm divorced. My husband cheated on me. Yeah, that's like a bit much. You could just say, the question is, are you seeing anyone? You could say, no, I'm actually single. If you know anyone, definitely let me know. So yeah, I mean, I agree.

I think she's probably leading with, you know, the divorce thing because even the way, and this is why I like the voicemails, there was something in the beginning when she said, I'm 35 and I'm divorced. And she kind of like, like took a breath or made a sound or like almost made it like she had to, you know, if you're listening, go back and replay it. You'll hear what I'm talking about. Like there was a moment where I could tell it was like she felt like she had to make others comfortable with it. she wasn't exactly comfortable with it or she felt like it was a shameful thing. So I think that's something that, you know, is a big piece that she needs to work on just realizing you happen to get married. Other people are just dating someone for 10 years that ends up cheating on them and they can move on like nothing ever happened. Right. Don't feel the need to identify with that.

And you can phrase it in an entire, like everything is about the perspective, right? So you can look at it. I'm 35 and I'm divorced. Or I'm 35. I've got my entire life out of me and I managed to get out of a relationship that wasn't working. And I had the courage to leave that. And I'm, you know, I'm now ready to find someone who's a better match for me. And I didn't waste, I'm not 70. I didn't waste my entire life.

I'm so excited to see what's out there. I've only dated one person since I was in high school. Totally. And I hope that Rachel can have some sense of. in the fact that she was able to end it, you know, when it wasn't working for her. Not to say there's anything wrong. I help a lot of couples get through infidelity, but it is really hard a lot of times to leave something when you know that you're never going to trust the person again.

And it's hard to, you know, to realize that and move on. So I think she should feel proud of herself that she was able to, you know, realize that, move on and get back out there. But yeah, the overshare does come from. I think it's almost like she feels like she's making other people uncomfortable. So she has to fill that space. Right. She has to, you know, kind of justify it.

And I also think it's okay if you mess up every now and then. Like, let's say you're on a date and you find yourself giving too much information too soon or someone ask you something and you do that. If you catch yourself doing that, it's totally okay to say, I'm a little nervous about this thing and that's almost like the best thing you can do because you're showing a little vulnerability and you're kind of breaking the awkwardness by revealing what you're feeling. Like you could just say, I'm sorry. I'm a little nervous when this question makes me like a little nervous.

So I might be oversharing or word vomiting. Right. Totally. Totally. I love that. And I think again, that's, you know, it comes down to that mindfulness where you can stop and catch yourself and sort of say, okay, I'm nervous. I'm like, I'm oversharing right now. And to be able to just say, and that would be, I think, for the right person,

that would be really endearing and sweet. And, you know, he would be able to, you know, comfort you in some way. And then bang, there's a connection. There's that moment of I'm vulnerable. He's caretaking. And I think it could almost be, you know, a great moment of, yeah, of connection. Even on a first date, like you said, if you catch yourself, just call it for what it is. I think it's great advice for any type of, I mean, maybe not necessarily in like a professional setting, but any type of dating, friendship, intimate relationship, like, if you find yourself in the interaction, you know, anxiously saying like or anxiously, you know, oversharing or anxiously, whatever it might be to just kind of share, that's what vulnerability is. It's sharing your inner thought process allowed with another person and allowing them to love you despite your insecurity. So I think it actually could be, it could be a good thing. And that usually puts someone at ease more than almost anything else you could say to try to cover that up. Someone says, you know, what's really going on to me that's like, ah, that's a breath of fresh air. Like, where we're on the same page. Like, yes. I noticed that. You noticed that.

We're all kind of now like the ice is broken. You know what I mean? We actually can relax because we've said what's going on. We're not both trying to pretend two weird things are happening. Right. the worst thing you could do, which I think is what Rachel's probably afraid of, is, you know, going in there and kind of being like, you know, bashing her ex to somebody, you know, and explaining all of his, like, disgusting things and like her anger's coming out or whatever. Like, that's, I think, the worst thing you could do is, you know, and again, if you catch yourself, it's not a big deal, just catch yourself and be like, I'm sorry, this question makes me anxious. I'm trying to like figure out how to explain this, but, you know, anytime I think it's a red flag when someone's

like bashing their ex on a first date because it just shows that there's some something that's unprocessed and that's kind of like bubbling up to the surface at the wrong time. Yeah. It feels like I think when someone talks about their ex in a super negative way, it feels like they're still in it as opposed to, you know, outside looking in or outside having seen the full picture. And that's true. if her ex or any real person, any one time someone is really strongly heated about anything, it's kind of like, you're still in this, you're not, you don't have a rational, settled view about it. Yeah. And again, all the insecurities that she has, those are okay, you know, like, whatever insecurities you may have about how you handle that, like lean into those, you know, it doesn't make you a bad person.

You made some mistakes, perhaps, and you can learn from them. Totally. It makes you more interesting person. So now we have a great ethical betchesist email. Should we get into it? Yeah, let's do this. I'm excited for this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm a big fan of the new podcast and a longtime listener of you up. I'll jump right in. Lately, it seems I am surrounded by public outrage. And I'm wondering if you think there is a moral obligation to join in with the emotional angst. The endless churn of the news cycle is draining. And for my own mental health, I worked out a better system for myself. My social media is 80% cute animal videos and 10% betches content. Thank you.

Love it. I had to get that in there. And I actively don't engage with anything political online. Instead, I get my news by reading the paper on Sunday mornings and activity. Wow, I love that old school. I find relaxing and a way for me to digest news in a more balanced way. When I do hear about upsetting stuff, I've become quite good compartmentalizing, recognizing what I don't have control over and turning away when things are too horrific.

The issue is that my friends and family see this as a moral failing. I don't think there is any benefit to being devastated over a tragedy that doesn't directly impact me. I do research and I make donations when I get bonuses or surprise cash influxes. And I love to support the charitable endeavors of my friends. I've attended marches when they were organized in my area, volunteered for campaigns I care about, and always do my research and vote in every election. I truly don't understand how my lack of existential dread is damaging to anyone. From my perspective, it seems like there is an endless list of things to be upset over

and responding with high emotions to the current breaking news rarely seems to spark real change. But finding something you're passionate about and engaging with that over time with your vote slash charitable donations, slash organizing, etc., is a much more effective way to cause change. My sister will argue with me that by not posting on social media about political things or in support or against social justice causes, that I am failing the movement. She thinks outrage fuels action and my lack of outrage. suggest that I'm callous and privileged.

I would be the first person to admit that I'm very privileged. But again, I don't see how I'm having an intense emotional reaction to things is helping people who don't share in my privileges. It makes me sad to think she sees me this way. Am I selfish? I would simply rather stay grateful for my life, be present in the joy of it, and not let the constant anguish out in the world bring me down. Is there a way for me to explain my feelings to people

so that they don't see me as callous in the face of tragedy? also is there a way to help my friends and family who do seem to be deeply impacted by current events. I sometimes feel like we exist in different realities. Sorry for the long email. Would love your thoughts. I love this email. I have so many thoughts about this. And if I may just share a little bit of a personal experience. So whenever this air is, I think it'll be a few weeks after. But obviously, I think she probably wrote this after the shooting in Uvalde, I'm assuming, because that was just, big news and I think a lot of people were extremely affected by it. Maybe I'm making it personal, but this happened since the last time we recorded and my personal experience was I usually don't

get absorbed into political debates and super worked up about, you know, all this type of stuff that she's talking about. But this one, I think, because the kids that were there were the exact same age as my kids and it really hit home, I think, for a lot of people. I found this one very hard and I found myself like I shared last week, how I was getting kind of absorbed in my phone and being social media and a lot of information about like the podcast and the feedback. I found myself doing the same thing like obsessively reading articles about the shooting and the shooter and what happened and what the details were and the security and the police and how the whole thing was handled. And I was catching myself doing it.

and sort of being introspective about why. Why was I, what was I looking for? And why was I obsessively looking at this and kind of realized that I was trying to soothe myself by finding information. So if I found out that this exact circumstance was different than something that would affect me or something that would affect my kids and that it is a selfish feeling, but it felt sort of like, okay, that means that this isn't. going to happen to me if it was because there was nobody there was no security guard on duty well my

kids school has a security guard on duty so that makes me feel better or finding out these little details that can kind of be soothing or finding out details that can help me figure out how to prevent this from happening again and that's where the whole gun control debate comes in because we're just trying to solve the problem fix it gain control make a plan create action and try to you know prevent this type of thing from happening again. And I think it's very hard sometimes for people to just accept and certainly don't want to get into a political debate here, but just accept that sometimes there's really horrible things that happen and we can't exactly, there's no one answer in terms of how to fix it,

even though our psyches crave like blame and they crave a solution. And if we pour our hearts into gun control or if we pour our hearts into, healing mental illness or if we pour our hearts and our souls into some solution, it kind of gives us a feeling that we have more control over things. So I think sometimes that's kind of what people do in terms of just being so involved in reading and posting and being outraged. It's like a feeling like you're trying to control the situation when a lot of times it really just serves the purpose of upsetting you, taking over your life, not allowing you to enjoy your life. Flip side is, take action. I'm all for it. You want to donate, you want to march, you want to

write your senators, you want to vote. If you're going to do something that feels like it is effectively making change, then do those things that are effectively making change. But just ruminating and spewing anger and hatred and stewing it around and trying to control other people's feelings about it, I think that's just creating more negativity anger. and poison in society. So sorry for my long rant there, but I had a lot of feelings about this personally and otherwise. I think that was really interesting and really accurate. I think because the world is full of so much chaos and it does feel draining. It does feel scary. And it does feel like, again, it's partially, it's like the devastation about what's happening, right? And partially is the

idea that it could happen to you. That's part of the fear. Right. It's like, I don't, you know, I'm if it could happen here, it could happen to me. And like, like you said, like, that's a lot of the times people looking at that. And then it is like, what are you supposed to do when you don't feel any control? And even if you donate, you don't really, that's not really giving you any real control. And so, I mean, I've, and I'm not saying I'm right. I think that there's probably a desensitivity within me on the other extreme, on the other end, where I'm like, I can't even, I don't read anything.

And I don't like fully look into anything. because I'm like, again, I have no control. So kind of like, it's just going to upset me and there's nothing I can do. Right. And I don't think she seems a lot. She seems to be doing all of the right things. You know what I mean? She's attending the marches.

She's doing the thing. And I think especially on social media, if you're a person who's on social media, there is an expectation for you from other people that you need to say what they want you to say or you need to show that you're feeling as outraged as they are. otherwise you're a bad person. And I think that that's like a huge downside of social media. And you've seen that over the years where there's like if you silence is not okay. You have to say something. And I don't think that's right because one it's there's one of two options if you're doing that kind of thing. It's like one, you're regurgitating the same thing that's already being said. Right. You're not adding anything to the conversation, but you feel you need to say the exact same thing so that people know what your stance is. And I don't know if her sister's saying that. that's going to make a change because people are angry. Like you can show that you're angry again by more actionable things like donating or doing. I don't think like posting the same article or posting an angry rant about something is really going to do much to move the needle.

Or on the other hand, if you have followers who don't think the same as you and you post that stuff, then you're suddenly involved in like a debate and a fight for two sides that I've never ever seen on the internet decide they've come together on a solution and they've come together. to like, you know what? After seeing your post, I've decided, you know what, I think you're right. Totally. And it becomes much more about the person defending what they think of as like who they are. And I've read this about politics. It's like when people are like fully are super into their political ideas, it's not even about the issue. It's about what they think that their stance on that issue says about who they are. Yes. So they're doubling down is a way to like almost double down on their own personal identity. And it's not really even about. about the issue, it's about how they want to be seen. And so that's why they're not, most people are not changing their political beliefs and they're especially not changing it

over a Facebook or Instagram post that they saw that you posted. Totally. And that's right. Her sister says, which I think is at the crux of a lot of these, like we talked in the beginning, one of the first episodes I think about like in group out group, having two opposing sides. And I think this concept that she says she thinks outrage fuels action and my lack of outrage suggests that I'm callous and privileged. So the idea that outrage fuels action, I think is the question. Like she's saying if she's angry enough and she posts something angry that it's going to make other people feel more compelled to maybe donate or march or write their centers, but I also think it has a negative consequence of your outrage intensely emotional.

intended to persuade post is going to find the person on the other side and create the same exact thing on the other side, then they're going to want to create their own opposing outrage post. And now you're just kind of negating each other, filling the whole space with negativity. And I agree that I don't, I don't think that's helpful. I think there are much better ways to help a situation than fueling outreach. I think, again, all. the things that she's doing, you know, voting, charitable donations, organizing, doing the actual actions, I think are much more beneficial than filling the world with more negativity and outrage. And a lot of people will probably disagree with that. Obviously, from a mental health

standpoint, and that's kind of my priority, is I don't think being filled with outrage is like a great way to go about life. Totally. I think there's more effective ways to to create change. And I do think it fuels the exact problem of what makes somebody so angry that they might go ahead and do something horrible or they might vote for somebody who's perhaps more of an angry type or more of an aggressive type person because they're feeling angry and aggressive. So I just think it's putting all this bad juju out into the world. Yeah, I totally agree with that. I think that you saw this a lot and I read a lot of articles about this back when, you know, in the height of COVID because there was so much anger about like, you know,

and who's this person's going out and this person's doing this thing. And I'm like, you know, outing these people who are throwing this gathering or seeing saw more than 10 people or whatever that was. And what they found with a lot of that stuff is that shaming people. It's not even like it's one thing. Like her sister is kind of wrong in that way just due to like the behavioral science. Like shaming people doesn't get them to do what you want. it's just not an effective way of getting them to comply with whatever the rules are or to

probably just makes them hide or lie or not talk about it. Exactly. It just makes them kind of do any of those things. And if they are doing it, it's not because they think it's right because you've explained it in a way that's rational and common. They've sort of understood what the thing is like your outrage isn't going to make those people, like those people aren't going to stop doing what they're doing because you're mad at them, someone who owns a gun is not going to give it back because you wrote an angry post about that

or because you said that people who own guns are terrible. That's just not an effective method. So it's kind of like not only is it not helpful and sort of bad for the general mental health of society, but it also doesn't work. And if it worked, I might be like, okay, well, it's kind of a tradeoff. But if it doesn't work anyway, then I mean, I guess the concept is maybe you'll get someone who's on the fence and you'll, if someone's like not sure, then you can persuade them and get them to take some action, I guess is the concept. So, you know, maybe there's a little bit of a of a perspective there. But there's got to be much better ways to do it than expressing outrage. Because I think expressing, like you said, expressing the outrage creates two separate can. and it almost makes you decide what kind of person am I? Am I on one side or am I on the other?

And I have to choose one to defend my identity. And I think that just increases all the polarization versus like a calm, reasonable, rational conversation where instead of like trying to indoctrinate somebody with some type of an emotional outrage post, you can engage in a conversation that acknowledges both sides of the perspectives because there clearly is more than one perspective. And when you squash out any of the conversation in the middle, because you have to be outraged, it changes the whole conversation

and it makes it impossible to solve because you're not even acknowledging the perspective of the other side. So that's why I think these outrage posts are not necessarily beneficial because they taint the entire conversation and they make reasonable compromise or conversation kind of impossible. Totally. And when you were saying that, I thought of it, I mean, how you work with that on the micro level every day. If you're talking about couples therapy, like if you have two people coming into couples therapy and they're just both enraged and digging in and like doubling down on why they think they're right, you're not going to have any sort of productive conversation. But if you have conversations that's like, okay, I hear what you're saying.

and I can understand why someone might think that way, then you're actually like working towards a real solution. But I assume if you have two people coming into couples therapy and they're both just like livid and, and 100% sure that they're right about everything and that their perspective is the only way to think, then I assume you're not really going to get anywhere with those people. Right. Yeah.

And I oftentimes have to say to them, because people do come in so entrenched and so angry and outrage that there's no room for any validation. And I'll sometimes say to them, unless you're married to a complete sociopath, like, do you think your wife is a sociopath? And the answer is usually no. Then that leads me to say there must be something in what she's saying that has some validity, that you can validate a tiny part of what she's saying so that we can open up this conversation to there's a middle ground here. There's something in the middle. Both of your feelings are valid, but you have to give a little bit in any of these political debates, you know, whatever it might be. If there's millions of people on each side of this debate, there is clearly a point that millions of people don't

feel a certain way because they're completely sociopathic. They have a feeling that somehow is valid to them on both sides. And if you just discount that and start screaming your point of of view, it's not going to get the conversation anywhere. But I do think taking action is great. And I, you know, thank you for writing this. I love this writer, but I like this idea because it really brings up this concept of how can you feel like you're doing the right thing without feeling like you are a completely, you know, damaging your own mental health by like living in a swarm of negative news and constantly reading so you can stay on top of things so you can be knowledgeable so you can educate others and change the world and how can you feel like you're doing the right

thing without necessarily having to have it take over your entire psyche. But also, how can you feel like you're making change and doing the right things without needing to shove it down other people's throats in an aggressive and outraged way? I think it's a really important conversation. And I always say, take the action, do the things that you can do to make the change and then move on with your life and then smell the roses and take a warm bath and take a shower and put your phone down. And I had to remind myself over the last week, I'm just reading this to try to feel like I have control over something that I don't have control over. I'm digging in and reading every article I can find and I had to catch myself and stop myself and say, I'm not

helping anything. If I'm going to donate, donate. If I'm going to march, march. Other than that, put it down and move on with my life. The other piece that I'll just say is allowing yourself to feel, right? So I think a lot of people will skip over the, I'm going to just put my head in my hands and cry about this. I'm going to just allow myself to feel the sadness, the pain, the loss, the fear. You know, so I do think a lot of times the researching, and the information gathering and the posting and all of that is a way to just have control over the emotion or avoid the emotion without actually allowing yourself to feel the softer side of all of this, which is either fear, sadness, shame, there's some softer emotion that a lot of

people don't want to allow themselves to feel. So they lead with anger and control and information gathering, which somehow feels safer, but it's really just an avoidance. I think that's a great tip. Let it out. Cry. Yeah. Let it out. Cry.

Feel, you know, journal, feel it, you know, write your own feelings and just allow yourself to, you know, a lot of times, like, even in this particular instance, you saw the pictures of the children and the stories of them and, like, you teeter between, like, am I going to read this and, like, ball my eyes out? Or am I going to just turn it off and protect. it doesn't happen. But like, yeah, go ahead, read it. See the people that were affected. See the damage and just let yourself feel those feelings. You're putting out this empathic energy into the world. And I don't know if you believe in that, but I really do. Like, it's a much better energy

to put out into the world to cry for the loss of someone else's child than it is to jump online and start screaming at people and making hateful posts. Right. Yeah. No, I think that's, that's great point and I think that like you said like the hateful posts or the the online screaming is a way to sort of not have to fully feel anything but I mean it can also be like draining to do that too especially if there's something like every week right so I think that's I mean and it's funny because I mean we do in our family there's a lot of we talk about this there's a lot of like chaos there's a lot of upsetting things a lot of the time, just on our micro family level, I would say. Maybe more, not at this exact moment, but overall, I would say a lot more than your average family.

There's a lot more emotions and drama and mental stuff to deal with. And so I think growing up for me, a reason that I attribute to like being able to be successful or do things or go out in the world was a little bit of a numbing to. He's not going to, right, I'm not going to like fully, I'm not going to cry over every upsetting thing that someone said or every upsetting relationship that is now kind of like unfolding in front of me. So I think that part of that, what that's done for me is it's made me a little numbed or a little removed. But like in my mind, it's like a little bit to my, to my benefit because I'm not crying all the time. Right. Just kind of like out there. Right.

You probably had to do some therapy to in some ways, like, undo some of that, you know, and like allow yourself to feel more or allow yourself to lean in more to your emotional side. And it's about finding that balance. And to me, again, the idea of mindfulness and being in the moment is like, I can cry. I'm not going to cry for four hours. Like, I can cry. I can let myself feel this. I can let myself feel this for five minutes, 10 minutes, 20 minutes, as a wave of sadness and not be afraid that that wave of sadness is going to overtake my whole life. And then you get the benefit of both. You get to like feel your feelings, know you're going to be okay after you feel those feelings. So like even if there's a really sad news story every week, so you spend 10 minutes a week crying or feeling really sad about that news story, which is 10 minutes of your life, which is no big deal. Right. And then you know that you can like do that, wrap it back up. And I guess that's the question. Can you wrap it back up? I think most people can if they let themselves go there unless you have a real like mental illness or depression or something that's a

bigger issue. Do that cry, wrap it up and then kind of move on with what you describe is like you're numbing or you're just, you know, avoidance and you don't have to constantly engage in it. but I do think it's healthy to allow yourself, even if it's once every week, to like feel some feeling of empathy for another person aside from going straight back to. Sadness is hard. Sadness feels is one of the worst emotions. Sadness feels, but anger isn't as hard for a lot of people. Right.

So you can jump into anger and outrage online, and that feels a little bit less vulnerable and and scary and sad than just like feeling the feelings of whatever's happening. So I do think you can, by mindfulness, you can create that balance. Like, okay, in this moment, I feel tears streaming down my face. I feel a lump in my throat. I feel all those things coming out. But this is just what's happening in this moment. This doesn't define me. This isn't my identity. I don't have to be like this all week. It's a moment. It will pass. And then I can go back to doing whatever. I don't know if you would agree with that. No, I think that's a great tip. And when I have been able to do that in the past, it does feel really good after. Or it feels, not anything that it feels so good. It feels like a release

and then it feels like it's, I can continue. Right. You know what I mean? Like in a way that it's not like kind of half stuck on me. Do you know what I mean? It doesn't feel like a bar oracle fall like on top of me throughout the day. It feels like I've like treated it and it's off to an extent at least. So I do think that's that's accurate. It's definitely I've gotten better at it as I've gotten older. But I think that's a good practice. The pro crying, pro crying podcast. Podcast. Yes. Or, you know, even if it's just journaling or just sitting and feeling, if you ask someone, what does sadness feel like? A lot of people don't even know. They just know they hate it. They know it doesn't feel good. They know they don't like it, but you can't actually define what it is because you don't let yourself ever really

sit in it until it's like exploding or you're like, you know, the worst thing. So I think it's helpful to just even educate, get to know yourself what the sadness feel like to you and maybe it's more okay than you realize. You know, it's not going to feel great, but maybe it's more okay. and all the things that we do to avoid it end up making our lives much more complicated and difficult and creating a whole society of anger and outrage because we're all just avoiding being sad. Yeah, feeling sad. That's a great point. I'm going to work on feeling sad this week.

I mean, if it happens, just work on, you don't have to conjure it up, but just work on like, and that's again the mindfulness, work on like recognizing when it's creeping up and just like allowing it. Right. Notice that urge that we all have to like push it away and move on and just like take a breath and like relax into the sadness. That's why yoga and that type of thing is like those or it doesn't have to be yoga, but yoga focuses on like breathing into the discomfort. You know, like when you're in a pose and it's or even it you can do it when you're spinning. You can do it when you're doing anything. If you have this feeling of like I'm tired, I want to stop or my legs are burning instead of just. just doing the automatic thing and just stopping. Breathe into it. Notice what you're feeling and just like allow the discomfort to exist. And you'll see even an exercise, it can give you another boost of energy

or it can allow you to hold the pose for another 30 seconds or it can allow you to spin your bike for another five minutes instead of just your automatic reaction. Stop when it's uncomfortable or change something. When it's uncomfortable, you can just relax into the discomfort. It's kind of life changing. I'm going to try that or try to be more thoughtful of it.

And write a note because I want to hear about it if you do it. I will. What would you say about to this person about is there a way for me to explain my feelings to people so they don't see me as callous in the face of tragedy to answer her? Or to help. And she says, is there a way to help my friends and family who do seem to be deeply impacted by current events? Yeah.

I mean, I think just everything we just talked about is to say, you know, look, I have my moments. I allow myself to feel my feelings. but I do it in moderation and I try to create balance between like I feel really sad for however many minutes I feel really sad. Then I dry my eyes and I donate and I sign up for a March next weekend and I attend it. And that's how I affect change. I don't think that injecting, you know, for her to just explain, you know, tell them to listen to this podcast. Right.

I won't explain it. Let them on. And no, I think that's a great point. And then, I mean, it's also funny just because her sister is like so mad at her for not being mad. Right. And it's kind of like she's trying to control the situation by controlling you. Your sister. Yes.

Right. Exactly. And that's not going to help the situation. Like, do you know what I mean? Like, that's not, her trying to control your expression of your emotions isn't going to do anything for the movie. Right. You could turn this into a therapy session for your sister and let your sister kind of understand. You're really sad about this.

That must feel terrible. Like maybe you need to like have a good hard cry about it instead of trying to change the way that I'm reacting to make you feel like you can have control over a situation that you don't have much control over other than the few things you can do, donate March, etc. Right. And she can say like, I'm sorry that you're upset, but I know in my mind and for my own self that I do care about these things and that I show them in a way that's meaningful to me. And that's all that matters is that it's meaningful to me. And if it's not meaningful to you, then that's something. You control how you react to things. And I can control how I react to things, but we can't control how the other one does. So I think we should just focus on ourselves.

Yeah. And again, if you, she's asked herself the questions. Am I a person who cares about this? Am I someone who's doing what I can? Am I someone who's like actually helping things? And if she, the answer to that is yes, then she doesn't need to answer or defend herself to anyone. I think we helped. That situation was really interesting discussion.

Let's do some triggered questions. Yeah, let's do that. All right. You want to read the first one? Yeah, I'll read the first one. I was having a beach day with my boyfriend and a lot of our friends, quite a bit of drinking involved, when my boyfriend's roommate slash best friend made a comment to me about, quote, how little body fat I have.

I know, weird comment. I took it as a compliment at first, but then he furthered with, quote, yeah, like zero tits and zero ass. My boyfriend was standing next to us and didn't say anything. so I jokingly said to him, aren't you going to defend my honor? But he said he didn't hear the interaction and dropped it. I was in a bathing suit and obviously rattled at the time

by someone making a comment about my body shape, but I didn't really realize how self-conscious that comment made me until a couple of weeks later. I'm generally pretty happy with my body and while not delusional enough to think I'd be classified as curvy, it's also not like I'm working with nothing here. I brought it up again later with my boyfriend, and he agreed that it was a fucked up thing for his friend

to say, but I'm still a little unsettled about it all. Yeah, it's crazy how someone else is just like comment or, and this is a rude comment. I would definitely agree. I would give it like an eight. I think it's pretty rude like rude. It's rude to comment on anyone's body in general, but it's especially rude to say something that could like people, people just comment on things a lot of the times, but I think to say something that clearly has a negative implication about someone else's body is like a super rude. This is clearly negative, but I agree. I think any comments, and I teach my kids this,

like just don't comment on other people's body shapes. Don't say you lost weight. Don't say you look skinny. Don't say anything. Like, no, not need other people don't need for you to be commenting on the shape of their body. That's the shape of their body. But yeah,

this is, but like you said, it was really rude, but weeks later, it is interesting how, and I'm not blaming her. I think most people would feel this way, that it's still unsettling to her.

Well, it's funny how, again, like a comment that someone makes that a lot of the time probably has nothing to do with you. Like, it's clearly to me, it's almost like this guy, like having his own issues, like, with whatever is going on. Like, you don't even know what's going on that made him say that thing is now, like, infecting you and making you someone who previously really liked their body or had really confidence on it. Like, we're so tuned to believe anything negative. Like, and I totally guilty of this too. like I will read a hundred reviews and I'll remember the two negative ones because like those are the ones that I believe are true or those are the ones that I take to heart. Even if I generally like believe that I'm putting out a good product. Do you know what I mean? Totally. Yeah. And I think again,

just kind of coming back to your own self, to your, you know, not everybody's going to like your body. That's it. Maybe he likes a girl who has more curves. Okay, great. We're not a match. It's a good thing. I'm dating your friend and not you. You know. So I think just realizing that coming back to your own sense of self, I mean, it's great that she happens to really like her body. I'm happy for her. And that's something that plays a lot of people. So she has that benefit going for her. So I would just take that, go back, try to get back to where you were before and realize, okay, I'm not his type.

And that's okay. You're not going to be for everybody. So I think also just realizing that, like maybe, you know, somebody who makes a negative review, like this isn't the podcast for them or you're not the podcast. For them, like, okay, go, that's okay. You can find a different podcast to listen to. We're not a match. Move on. That's a great way to think of it.

Just because someone has something negative to say doesn't mean it's correct. It just means that's their preference or opinion. And I think you have to probably get to a certain meditative level that you're talking about to not to be like. And that's them. Like that's very hard to do that. But obviously, I think in an ideal scenario, that's how we would think about anything negative anyone's about us. Yeah, or you have that moment where it's like, ooh, gut punch. Like everyone's going to have that moment. I think where it feels like a gut punch, but then like,

how long do you stay? Do you allow that to like rattle around in your mind? But look, you know, on the flip side, I think this whole triggered segment, I think can sort of be a reminder to people to just like fill the world with positive vibes. So as much as we get these triggered scenarios of people being really rude and mean back to the reviews. Like I really appreciate all the people that take the time to just inject some positivity into the world. Like someone who takes the time to sit and write a positive review or you go to a restaurant and it's really good and you take the time to, you know, write something nice about it. Like that's great. You're putting great energy out into the world. So I really admire those people. And I think just even in the bathroom, you see a girl in

the bathroom and she has cute shoes to just be like, hey, cute shoes. Like, it's just nice, it's just nice to give people the flip side of it and inject more of that into the world because there are people that are going to be doing things like this. Yeah. So that's your reminder to rate, review and subscribe to oversharing on Apple and Spotify. It's a shameless plug. Put some positive energy out into the world. Exactly. We love and appreciate those reviews. Let's do another one. Ready? Sure. Hi. Love the new podcast and have a triggered situation for you on different treatment of adult siblings. My mom generously contributed a chunk of money to our wedding. This was super generous, but led to some drama about guest lists. I wanted 40 people. She wanted like 150 and not a bunch

of people. I didn't know, et cetera. But her preferences are often what drove the cost up. The wedding ended up being beautiful and I had the best time. But it's definitely not a time where my family relationships were at their best. And I'm not sure if I walked away, feeling like it's worth the money for the level of stress for the one day. My sister recently got engaged and said to my mom, unsolicited, I'd much rather have a tiny wedding and have that money for a house than a wedding. And my mom just went, okay, what the hell? I didn't get this option. My mom made it very clear during the wedding planning process. She had expectations about the guest list and other aspects and saw it as an event she was helping to host versus a financial

gift and downsizing the situation wasn't presented as an option. I feel like I totally would have taking the down payment option and I feel like my mom's just doing this because I was her learning experience about how much money can cause drama in the wedding planning process and she's over it. I get what happens with my sister doesn't change my current situation, but I just feel like it's unfair. How triggered should I be? Yeah, this is first child problems, I think. I agree. I think her mom probably like got all of her wedding planning party stuff out of her system and was sort of like, okay, did that, don't need to do that again. Totally.

So I think this is just an unfortunate part of being the first one to get married. I'd give it a five. I'd give it a five because I think it's more like you're annoyed. I don't think that anyone did anything wrong. I think the situation is more annoying than the actual. It's one of those things where you're like annoyed at the situation. You kind of want to blame someone for it. And the annoying situation is that you went first.

You got to be the experiment for what it's like to plan a big wedding with mom, which sounds unpleasant. Right. And it's kind of sucks, but that's just sort of how life works. Not everyone has the exact same set of circumstances. And sometimes it's nice to go second. In a different scenario,

it could have been worse. She could have been like, I don't have any money left. You know, maybe the sister also wanted the big wedding. She's, well, I already did this whole thing. Like, it could have gone in a whole totally different way

and been less fair to her. And I think you see this a lot in weddings where there's a lot about fairness and not just with like family, but you see this with like brides. me. It's where it's like, well, I went to every wedding event that you had and now you're pregnant and you don't really care about what I'm doing. Right. You know what I mean? Or you barely or come, you know what I mean? A lot of weddings are about keeping score and who gets what and very like, you know, how are we ranking things?

Totally. And it's very easy to get caught up in that. Yeah. It's kind of like what we talked about last week too, where it's sort of like the wedding is like the big culmination of all of your hard work of relationship stress from the time you were 13 until the time you get married. So it's like has this huge implication. It's almost like what do you deserve? Like what is your final prize? You know, what do you get at the how much does everybody value you? This is your last hurrah. Totally. Squeeze out all the love, all the money, all the things that you want that feel like are going to make you feel wonderful at this pinnacle moment of your life. Not to negate any of that. You know, had a beautiful wedding and God bless everybody who does. But I do wonder how many people,

like you're just past your wedding, but like how many people five years out or 10 years out think, you know what, I could really use that 20 grand or whatever it is that, you know, I wonder how many people would pick the down payment versus the wedding after the fact, you know, after it's all done and you realize that day is over and, you know. Maybe. But also like maybe if she is, could be the opposite too. You know, maybe you did take the money for a down payment or you did save and he have a small wedding and then you look back years later and you're like, it would have been, that would have been nice. I never really feel like I felt like I had that experience. You know, sometimes you've got to like do it to know just how into it you'd be. And the issue with all things in

the world is you never know how you would feel if the opposite thing happened. I made the opposite choice. So maybe her sister in a few years will be like, oh, I never really got to have the big wedding and I kind of feel like maybe I would have wanted that. You never know. I think this reader, should, like you're saying, look back at her pictures and reminisce on her wedding and kind of like, you know, realized that she did it for a reason. She got, you know, I'm sure beautiful, amazing photos and fun times with all of her best friends just really had, I'm assuming, had. She wrote that she had a great beautiful time. Right. It's just, yeah. Maybe she needs to refocus on that. Yeah. And I could see being like, that like, I didn't even know that was an option like that's right. But it's also like not like she asked.

So I don't know. Again, I think it's more just like accepting and I think that it's as hard to do in the moment to just accept. Sometimes things don't work out totally even Stephen. Yep, that's it. Life is not exactly fair. And I do think there's like birth order stuff, you know. Totally. And sometimes, you know, sometimes you come out on top and you got a little more than what was coming to you.

And sometimes you got a little less than what's coming to you. And that's just sort of, I have a kind of feeling that it all kind of evens out in the, in the grand scheme. But yeah, you can't, you can't dwell on that. But it is an annoying situation. I agree. You want to do the last one? Yeah, let's do one more. My dad and stepmom are retired and moving a few states away. They recently threw a going away party for themselves and didn't tell me about it. And I only found out about it after the fact because my childhood best friend and her family attended. Not sure if these details matter, but I'm an only child and my stepmom and dad married when I was seven. My stepmom and I didn't always get along in high school slash college, but things have

mellowed out a bit now that I'm in my late 20s. I was on vacation when the party happened, but was pretty offended that there was no word of the event or no inquiry of when I be back to see if I could attend. When I asked them about it, they said, we didn't know when you'd be home. I can't help but think, yeah, but you could have asked. I definitely wasn't off the map as I was texting them throughout the trip and providing updates of my travels. The sucker punch for me is that the day I got back, the day after the party, and just happened to find out about it a few days later from my best friend. I'm curious about y'all's take on this.

How triggered do you think I can be? I think this is fairly triggering. Yeah. I'll give it a seven. Yeah. This seems kind of intentional. Right? They're speaking the whole time and you never mentioned this event.

I think that's weird. Yeah. This seems intentional. I think this is, you know, perhaps I could see why she's upset. And I think this is something that probably needs to be attended to or have some introspection on what is going on in this relationship. Maybe the stepmom is not over, whatever went on all those years ago. Maybe they thought that, you know, but it's hard because they're not willing to talk about it.

When she did bring it up and I give you credit for bringing it up and they said, we didn't know when you'd be home. Why not ask? That seems like not adequate answer. Also, the friend telling her, I think, is a little embarrassing for her. I would be embarrassed. Like, do you mean, oh, you were at my parents, my parents party and that I wasn't invited to? Crazy.

I was speaking to them the whole time. And I think you could bring it up, like, re-bring it up. Sort of in that and just come from a vulnerable place and be like, hey, it was kind of like, I was a little embarrassed and kind of had my feelings hurt when whatever the friend's name was, like mentioned that she was at a party for you. Like, you're my, you're my dad. And I just felt kind of like, and I felt rejected that I didn't get an invite to your party. Right. And that I was texting you. And it would have been, you know, when they said, we didn't know when you'd be home for her to say, I texted you the day before you could have just asked me. And I can't imagine that it was a,

even if it was, but if it was like a spur of the moment party that they just decided to have that day. or something. I doubt it. But even if it was, I think it's very important to have your daughter there. Yeah, I could see why this is extremely triggering and makes her feel left out, rejected. I have a feeling there's probably more to it. Maybe they are having, maybe they didn't want to deal with like saying goodbye to her. They're having some sad feelings about moving away and it's something that they're avoiding by not including her. Then why have a party for yourselves? Right. Throwing yourself apart. seems like a weird thing to do if you're having weird feelings about leaving. Yeah.

Or maybe it's just sad about leaving her and the rest of it feels okay. So they kind of avoided the big goodbye with her. I would be interested in some more details, but they were married when she was seven. I mean, they've been together in her life for a long time. This is very triggering. I agree. And I think it's worth it's higher than a seven. I'd give this an eight.

I think it's worth reopening the conversation because I would not really be willing to accept that we didn't know when you'd be home answer if they've been texting that whole week about her trip. Yeah. That would be very. And it's also kind of like even if you didn't know, it's almost like if you didn't want her to come, you would almost like tell her because you didn't think she's like. Right. It just seems weird. And I think you can bring. I think again, if you come at it like I felt hurt or I felt this way, which is.

a totally, if they wouldn't get that, that would be weird to me. Totally. It seems like there's something going on in this relationship, like some kind of a distance. You think most people would almost plan the party around when their daughter's going to be back. Okay, well, ask me when I'll be back and you can plan the party around it. I mean, she would have been happy if they just mentioned it, asked. And she said, oh, sorry, I'm not going to be back until such and such time. I think that she probably would have felt better even if they had the party without her,

as long as they let her know. which I still think could be triggering I'm your daughter like just wait till I get back and have the party if possible Right but I think it adds another layer of embarrassment to it that's like Do you know what I mean?

Like if you ran into I don't know Dad's friend and they were like Yeah was that the going away Whatever the birthday part your dad's birthday party Like where were you? Where were you? Totally right oh I wasn't invited Yeah that's always the most

That's the worst part about not being invited to things. It's when people ask you about things, like assuming you would know about it and it's just like embarrassing. Right. Yeah. I'm sorry this happened.

I think it's worth reopening. And I give it definitely an eight. Yeah. Well, if you bring it up, let us know how that went. I'd love to hear what the actual family drama is. You know,

we love that over here. But I think we help some people today. What do you think? Yeah. I hope so. I think so. Yeah. Well,

that's it for this week. oversharing. We'll be back next Tuesday. Don't forget to rate review and subscribe. And if you have an email, an advice question for us, email oversharing at betches.com. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Murales Picoe, and Rebecca Salz McHan. Editing by Massilo Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Friedlander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com. We'll leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches