Oversharing - How Thankful Do We Need To Be For Gifts?

Episode Date: December 31, 2024

This week, Jordana and Dr. Naomi are holding space for the pressures of New Year's resolutions, encouraging everyone to enjoy the moment without the weight. Together, they explain the importance of balancing self-improvement with self acceptance and how a "resolution audit" may be the trick to accomplishing your 2025 goals. Our Overshare comes from a Betch who wonders if she should cut her losses after a surprising relationship renegotiation. Today's Betchecist wants to know if she is the one being dramatic over, what she calls, a family of Grinches. And we're feeling triggered by people who don't say thank you for their gifts and an airline seat debacle that makes you wonder AITA? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. And happy almost New Year.

It's the last day of 2024. If you're listening to this, the day it comes out, happy New Year. Happy New Year. so many pressures with New Year's Eve, I think, and New Year's and New Year's Day and resolutions. Like, if you're listening, just enjoy the moment. You don't have to make any big narratives about your entire life based on what you're doing or not doing for New Year's Eve. Take it one moment at a time. But that being said, we can talk about some New Year's-E stuff. Yeah. Well, it feels just like renewal. Like, it's like, all right, last year it's over. If you didn't do what you wanted to do then, it's too late.

And you've got a whole new year ahead of you to, you know, make some goals and work on some stuff. And again, it's like, it's tough because it's like, I think we kind of talked about this last week. It's like the line between self-improvement and accepting yourself just as you are. Yes. Yes. You know, it's very true. I've been talking with a lot of my patients. There's something like a new concept.

I don't know how new it is, but a concept about instead of making a New Year's resolution, you do like a New Year's audit of yourself. Oh, I like that. Sounds nerdy. Mike would be good. He could help you with your audit. You could make a spreadsheet.

Yeah, no, that's very funny. I'm going to let you finish the audit concept. But I did, I tweeted this one year, did pretty well. It was like, I feel like partners. should make New Year's resolutions for their partner. Wouldn't that be more fun? That would be way more fun. Ooh, I just thought of a few good ones.

It is so funny because sometimes, like, just going off on a little tangent, like, if Jeff is on his phone too much, I'll kind of be like, I'm not going to be, like, it was a reminder for me. Like, I'm going to leave my phone in the other room, almost like to model. Passive aggressive.

Yeah, if I model the behavior that I would like to see, that somehow he'll be like, oh, I'm on my phone a lot. He has no clue. Like, doesn't affect him at all. But yeah, that's one that if I was going to make a New Year's resolution for him, that's what I would do. You would pick that. That's very, yeah. I don't know. I don't know how conducive to a harmonious relationship making resolutions for someone else is. But no, probably not. We have to keep. our eyes on our own paper and whatever's, you know, you think would make you happier slash a better person. So yeah, the New Year's audit, it's, it's interesting. It's just a little bit, you know, it's more of like not just picking this one behavior that you think is going to change, you know, however you're feeling or not feeling or doing or not doing in the New Year's. So you kind of go through the things that are important to you, you know, like, you know, are you for example like how are you taking care of a lot of people do ones that are based around their health and their body right like diet exercise that kind of thing but then so you maybe are

auditing how well are you doing in that realm and then you look at how well are you doing in your social realm how are you connecting with your friends and family another realm that I work on with people is like your adventure like is that something you'd like to be a little bit more adventurous. You'd like to do new things. Push yourself out of your comfort zone. And it depends on what you're looking for. But it's almost like sometimes we get stuck in, you know, thinking that we're going to putting all this focus on this one behavior of like, I'm going to go to the gym or I'm going to eat healthier or whatever. When that might not be the, you know, one little change like that.

It could be a good jump start. But sometimes it's better to. look big picture, yeah. I think it's easier to like track success when you pick something small as opposed to like big picture. Like you could say like I want more adventure, but like is that measurable, I guess? Yeah. And I do agree that when you're stuck and you want to make a change, it is really good to start small. But I guess the idea is what if you started really small in a bunch of different areas of your life, then started like, okay, I'm going to go to the gym for an hour, five days a week, especially if you start work early or you work a lot like at 5 a.m. Right? That seems like big. So instead of that, maybe you do, okay, I'm going to go to the gym

early before work once a week, but I'm also going to make sure that I make dinner plans with a friend one day after work once a week. And then I'm going to plan like a road trip somewhere. Like something that doesn't take a huge commitment of waiting. waking up at 4.30 in the morning, five days a week or whatever. Right. So small things that you can do in several areas of your life rather than one big thing that you're doing in one area of your life. Got it.

All right. I will try that. Do you have any resolutions for yourself? And then you check back in, obviously the idea is that, you know, like an audit, you're kind of like, okay, I'm going to check back in in three months. Like I'm going to set a goal. What I want to change? And then put in your calendar.

Yeah, quarterly review. Exactly. So you almost treat your, it's interesting because you treat yourself the way like a corporation treats its profits. Like we really care about this thing and we're going to stay on top of it. No, it's true. If you think of yourself like you think of any other thing, like I was thinking about myself as I was thinking about like my house. Like, because I was feeling pretty sick like a couple weeks ago. And I was kind of like, all right, if I had like a washing machine that was just not. functioning. Yes. I would like have to get it checked out or I would just like accept that it's going to be just running sub optimally for the rest of its existence. Yes. Right. Or I need to fix it. And it's, and I was thinking like, why I don't really have the same at, and my, towards myself, I'm kind of like, well, with time, I'll just like get over it or something or like I, if I don't change anything like eventually, it'll just, I'll feel better. But if you think of it like anything else, like you would take care of an appliance.

Totally. Why wouldn't you like take care of yourself? Yes. Yes. Oh, I love that. It's really true. So yeah, I mean, on this New Year's Eve, I like that concept of like just focusing on taking care of yourself, but in all these little areas, like self care is another one,

you know, like exactly what you're describing in your audit, like the little things that, you know, do you get your hair cut? Do you like, you know, treat yourself to, you know, a bathtub night or whatever your thing is that is your thing? Like, are you doing self-care for yourself? That's part of your audit. Do you go to the doctor when you're sick or for your regular checkups and all these kinds of things? So, yeah, it's a good time to just reflect on all that stuff. So, yeah, you know, I think a lot of people put a lot of meaning behind.

new years and New Year's Eve and plans and things like that. And I think whatever you're doing, your mindset around it is the most important thing. So, agreed. I'm glad you're listening. Yeah, listening to this podcast also is another great thing for your, I think, mental health and just thinking about the world in a different way. So thanks for spending 2024 with us or and thanks for hopefully spending 2025 with us. We really enjoy doing this show. And And it's so nice to get really good. I just forwarded you a good message that we got.

Like, people, people who love the show, like really love this show. It's really, really nice to see. Yeah. It's, you know, it's really, this is kind of a side note sort of on my exploration coming into the new year. You were asking before about, like, you know, myself. And it's interesting because now that we have this format where more people are, like, when I came into oversharing originally, I was like, this is just going to be fun. me and you just, you know, shooting the shit, talking about stuff. So naive. I was like, this is just going to be bonus, extra. And then, you know, obviously I always knew there were like reviews and stuff that you could read, but I was kind of like, I don't need to fill my head with all of that.

And then coming into the new year, especially because we're doing the new subscription, we're going to be talking to more actual listeners, I was kind of like maybe it would be good to expose myself. When you read this stuff, obviously when you get emails like the one that we got the other day, it feels so good. You feel like you're helping people. It's amazing. That's like that little dopamine hit.

But then, of course, you get the negative ones that don't feel great. And I've been wanting to engage more with listeners and like leaning in and reading that stuff. And I, as I read something that's not positive or a way, you know, something that somebody doesn't like, I notice there's like a little pressure on my chest or there's like a sensation of just like somebody is not pleased with me, you know? And so the tendency is to want to just avoid that feeling or fix it by like coming on and talking to them, which I think maybe we can do to a certain extent or just avoid. even knowing that people don't like things by not even reading any of that stuff. Right. But coming into the new year. Yeah.

So like, I was my question. Yeah. I've been doing it. Like, I'm just not going to read that stuff. You can't please all the people all the time. Like,

you know, someone's always going to be unhappy about something. But I do think I'm going to push myself to be able to tolerate some of that, you know, in a way that's like, okay, here it is. someone doesn't like something I said, someone disagrees with something, I'm just going to notice like where it is in my body and not kind of allow myself to just bury my head in the sand and have that moment of introspection. Okay, maybe I could have done that differently. Maybe I could have

you know, approach that or I feel really pretty good about how I handled it, but I'm just going to breathe through this moment of knowing that there's somebody out there in the world that is not pleased with me or doesn't like me or whatever it is, which I think we always have to deal with in one way or another. So I think for me, I'm going to try to lean in to like allow that stuff in, allow myself to be introspective, but also just like it's kind of a good training to notice there's nothing that's going to get you much more activated

than someone literally posting a negative thing about you like on the internet. Like that's pretty activating. And that's the thing that really comes with being a public figure that is both nice and parable. Do you know what I mean? It's like both kind of nice that like you're reaching enough people that people like have strong feelings about you in either way. Like do you know what I mean? Totally. But it's also like I don't know if we as humans were meant to get such constant feedback on everything that we do.

And I mean, I've, I've had betches since I'm 21. So I've been living my life on the internet for like pretty much my entire adult post-college life. So in some ways, I'm like a little jaded to it. And maybe it's changed me and I don't even know what I would be like if I didn't see constant feedback about, you know, everything that I've done or like many things that I've done. But I've tried to kind of, you know, it's funny. Like, you'll have a guest who maybe like was. the first time on the internet or you or someone like that. And it's interesting to watch someone kind of like have this experience of having people tell you exactly what they think about you,

like not thinking that you'll see it even though you do see it or maybe thinking that you'll see it and wanting you to see it. And it is like a, it is a weird, again, a weird experience that I don't know, it just, it's interesting to watch because I like, I've been. I've been, been doing it so long. I don't know. Interesting to watch the nobs, as the kids call them. Well, I have to tell people sometimes, like, don't go on Reddit or like if there's someone in our office who's I guest on the podcast that hasn't been on, you get, you get like very upset by this feedback. And I, you know, occasionally I'll read something that is upsetting, like really upset, like something that's like really mean for no reason. Right. But usually I'm kind of like,

I've taken on, I think, for a while now, this feeling of like, this is flattering. This is like someone taking time from their day. Maybe it's because I don't do this. I'm like almost never moved enough to write a review or comment on an Instagram post or comment on a thing. I'm almost like, this is like pretty cool that this person like feels so strongly about what I'm saying. like how powerful am I that like you're taking time out of their day they're logging into Reddit they're logging into like Spotify and they're commenting on something I said which which made them feel so strongly. Yes. Positive or negative. Yes. And we are all looking to feel something,

which is why we're on the internet. You're looking to feel something. So yeah, you've always been really good at kind of being like, look, it's just one person's opinion or like if it's not like a ton of of people, then like, you know, it's kind of don't let it get to you or not a big deal. But yeah, I think personally, I'm just going to try to use it as kind of a little emotional boot camp of, okay, here's something that's upsetting. Like, how am I going to breathe through this and kind of do, allow it to sit and allow myself to be introspective, but also not feel like, oh my gosh, I'm going to get in my head about this and, you know, get, have a ton of. self-doubt because of it. Either change it or accept it. Right. Well, one other thing you learn is

even if you change it, there are people who really, who really liked the way you did it the first time who were going to be upset that you changed it. So it's like I think about it like it was when I was planning my wedding. And our sister-in-law Sharon actually gave me this advice that came from her mother, which was like, you're never going to please 200 people, you're never going to do something the way 200 people want you to do it. Like some people will like the way you did it and some people will not. And so you kind of just have to do what works for you. You have to be true to yourself. And that's kind of the lesson that I took. Like, even if I, for any person who's like really angry that I acted a certain way, if I acted another way, there'd be another person who's angry

that I acted that way. So this is who we are. If you, if you don't like it, this is our 2024 message. If you don't like it, there's plenty of other shows for you. This is how we do it. And like, thanks for listening if you do like it. We really appreciate you do. And we're also like, we are human. We're not robots. We're going to mess up. We're going to say something that maybe wasn't like a hundred percent correct. And I'm going to use this to segue into one thing, other thing that I wanted to talk about, which was feedback on the meal train thing. Oh, right. I have never seen so many emails and comments and thoughts and people have such strong feelings on this meal train thing. And it feels like so triggering for people on both ends. I feel like the,

the comments and the responses, we got voicemails, we got everything. Maybe we'll do this fully on like a bonus episode. But what I gathered from reading all your feedback is that it's a very common thing in the church community, in the Orthodox Jewish community to do the end in the south more, I think, in the northeast, in like certain areas. Like the meal train after someone gives birth is sort of like an obvious like. Right. It's like a baby shower thing. Yeah. Right. Which again, I think is great. I have no issue with that. I think it was more, again, the trigger the part that we said was triggering was that it was sent with no context. Some people were like, how could you shame new moms for asking for health? It's like, no, ask for help, but like, be nice. Right. And just say I could use some help. Here's what I think would be helpful. Please sign up if you can. Really appreciate it. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. No one was like, oh, like, who would do this disgusting act of sending a meal to a new mom?

It was like, ask for help and just say, I would solely appreciate we have no time and we're hungry. Please send something like whatever it is. Yeah, I think people's triggers like kind of force them to interpret what you're saying in their own lens. Well, it's so funny because when we first came up with, the idea of the triggered segment, I mean, that's kind of where it came from. It's like there's this thing that happens to you throughout your day or, you know, your week. And the same thing could happen to 10 people,

but it's triggering to you because you have some sensitivity around that thing that doesn't mean you're bad. It doesn't mean you're overly sensitive. It just means that that thing is touching you in a way that it wouldn't touch other people. And that's just because we all have these little wounds. Like maybe the person who was upset about that felt like she didn't get help or she was

afraid to ask for help when she was a new mom. And so this triggered her in that way. Or maybe there's someone else who feels the person who wrote in about that email, I think probably felt a little bit like, I don't have kids. Everyone's helping all these new moms with all this. Everyone's like driving and doing and like I'm the one that's always driving and doing things for other people and nobody's, you know, really taking care of me because I'm single. And I have to take out of the the garbage every single night and I have to move by myself and go to all my doctor's appointments and do all my own stuff.

Right. There's no meal train for me as a single woman. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And other people who were like, who felt just like that, like, oh, they gave meal trains but didn't get them and they were upset about that

or other people who felt like meal trains should be reserved for people in like a crisis and not for a healthy baby being born. Again, we're not even going to go there. But it was interesting how this one email really made so many people react so differently, which is, like you said, very, the best part of our triggered format is it just brings that out for a lot of people. Yeah.

Well, look, I would really like in 2025, my personal goal is I would love, if you guys have nice things to say, I would love to hear it. But I also want to be able to tolerate hearing different perspectives and getting to know all of our listeners a little bit better in a way like this. Like if you're commenting, you're out there and you're talking about it, it's affecting you. And we're getting to learn more about who our listeners are. And yeah, so I'm not, I'm going to, you know,

I think it's great that people are reacting and commenting and want to hear what you all have to say. So, yeah. So more of that in 2025. And I'm excited for our new subscriptions, which again, will be out next month. month. If you want to subscribe, go to subscribe.betches.com or you can subscribe on Apple podcasts. If you want to leave us a voicemail, you can leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Or if you want to email, oversharing at betches.com. Let's get into our emails. I'll read our first

overshare. All right. Hi, I'm a 32-year-old woman who has been with my partner for three years. He is 40. We have talked at length about our future, including marriage. And most importantly, children. This has been planned down to even include the detail that I would come off of birth control in early 2025 and we would start trying. To name choices we agree on. He has been enthusiastic and agreed and contributed during all these conversations. It recently came up casually in conversation that resulted in a very confusing fight that we dropped as it was getting late. Long story short, he told me after we both had some time to cool off that he wasn't even actually sure he wanted to have kids and he needed time. He needed time. He told me, he told me, after we both had some time to cool off, he wasn't even

needed time to work through this. He said he loved me and wanted to be with me and was scared to bring it up because he didn't want to lose me and hoped it would just resolve itself when the time came. Kids is a non-negotiable for me, which he knows, and I have told him as much since our first date, which he agreed with, and also knows I have fertility anxiety that weighs on me and I'm concerned about. Here are my questions. One, how do I know if I should cut my losses and just break up with him and start again or if I should wait around and see if he does come around? Two, equally pressing, I feel such a deep sense of betrayal. I have been cheated on in a previous serious relationship, and I say from the bottom of my heart,

this betrayal has cut me much deeper. I feel like I have been lied to in the most egregious way and led on at a fairly critical point in my fertility timeline. I feel like three years have been stolen from me and worse. It has made me question his inherent characteristics. Knowing everything he knew, I honestly can't fathom ever doing that to someone I love. I think it's selfish and cowardly and dishonest, and I don't know how to get past this deep, deep hurt, and distrust.

I don't even know if I believe him. Maybe he means he just doesn't want to have kids with me, which he vehemently denies. Three, how do I ensure that something like this never happens in this relationship or other relationships again? Further context, if of interest, he has said he will go to therapy to discuss this issue, we'll believe it when I see it, and has also asked that we go to couples counseling to work through this in addition to his personal therapy. X-O-X-O, the costs are looking very sunk fetch. It's a very angry person, which I get.

I get. This is, she seems like, livid. Yes. Yeah. So I think we need to address this number two first, which is like she's really angry at him. I will say, and this would be one where I would love to have her here, because it sounds like they had one conversation that was cut kind of short.

and then like another follow-up conversation that was heated. But I really think that her anger comes from thinking that he knew this all along and just was like hiding it from her, which could be the case. Like he could have just been like dragging it along knowing the whole time he probably didn't want kids. But I don't think she's going to know that until they sit down and really talk it through. because I totally validate the anger. Like this is, if it even crosses her mind that he's been like intentionally wasting her time,

that is brutal, like awful, like kind of pretending just to keep her around. But if that's not the case, it's like feelings are not so objective. Like you can't, you know, you might feel one way about kids one day and feel another way, another day. And I think the fact that they talked about trying in early 2025, and here we are at the end of 2024, he's probably just realizing, oh, shoot, this is coming up. And I have to really be sure. So I don't know that there's as much, I don't know. Like again, they have to talk about it, but there might not be as much malicious intent here as she thinks there is. It might just be like, okay, I think I could do this.

I think I could do this. And then as it comes closer to being real, now he's just having like cold feet. Right. And I think there's this thing where it's sort of like this cycle and you see this a lot where it's like the, I don't want to say the man, but a lot of the times that I've seen it's the man,

but maybe that's just because women are writing in where like the man is scared to say something to the woman. So he doesn't say something because he thinks she's going to be angry because she reacts. angrily to, again, I'm not blaming her, but I'm saying like, I think she maybe she reacts angrily to any sense of like doubt or not being on board with the thing. So he doesn't say it, he doesn't say it and like he doesn't say it. And then it comes out either in a way that he doesn't mean or it's a thing that he's been thinking for a while and like didn't say it because he thought

she'd be angry. And now that he told her, she, she is very angry, which probably reinforces this idea of like, I can't tell her things because she's going to freak out and be angry. angry. Yeah. Yep, yep, yep. And that's why I do think the counseling thing is a great idea, because I totally agree with that. I think that he needs, if they are going to stay together, he needs like a safe space to be able to talk about his fears, his anxieties, why he does, why he doesn't. That needs to be a safe space for him or that's, this is going to be a problem. And she says something like, it was almost interesting to me that she said, well, maybe he just doesn't want to have kids with me.

Because everything up to that point felt like he did. You know, like, and I'm sure she felt that way, but maybe this is, maybe this thing that you're pointing out is where that insecurity lies for her, that her reaction or her getting angry or him not wanting to upset her is part of her insecurity and why he wouldn't want to have kids with her. because it sounds like they're together. He's saying he loves her. I think that's her own.

Yeah. Yeah. He wants to go to therapy. If he was looking for a way out to find someone else to have kids with, I don't think he would be saying, let's go to therapy. I don't want to lose you. I didn't tell you this because I was afraid of losing you.

But I do think it's really important to create that safe space. You're 100% right. If that's part of the dynamic that he's afraid of telling you things, that's one of the things that comes out a lot in couples therapy, is this dynamic that you're describing, that somebody feels like they cannot express themselves. And so therefore, this type of thing happens, whether it's about kids or it's about moving,

or it's about a job or changing jobs, or just whatever it is, going out with your friends or it could be anything. That there's a partner there that just doesn't feel safe expressing themselves and there's so much change in growth and intimacy that can come from just pulling that out and laying it right there on the table. Yeah. And I, yeah, I would understand that fear. I would, that would be, that would be a thought that came to my mind. But I agree with you. If he, if that was, if he wanted out and this was his way of like getting her to break up with

him, I think he would say, well, we're at an impasse here. Like, what are you going to do? And that's not what he's saying. Yes. I don't think he's looking for a, way out. But I think he need, whatever this is, it's a big decision. Like, it's actually in some ways, it's a good thing that he's really thinking about it and not just jumping into it and kind of being like, okay, you're the one who wants this. You'll do the lion's share of the work. Like, he's aware of how much work it is and he's really thinking about it. So I know this seems very fresh, I think, as she's writing in. So I do think with a little bit of time, if you can come to that calm body and really hear what is he afraid of? Like listen to that about him and learn that, allow him space to talk about

what's scary about this, what he's worried about. And I think that'll make him feel much closer to you and maybe quell some of those fears that you have that he just doesn't want to have kids with you. I don't know where that's coming from, but I think becoming closer through intimacy, and I know you're angry, but he's not saying like, you know, know, I'm out. I changed my mind. And, you know, if he did, obviously that's his path. This is, you know, an important decision for him. But that's not what he's saying. He's saying, I want to go to therapy. I want to talk it through. So, you know, you can express your anger. I get why you're angry. You know, you have this fertility anxiety, you know, 32 years old. You've been with him for three years.

that's why I do think sometimes coming back to like the audit thing of like let's check back in three months thing, the fact that they had this date thrown out there is a good thing. Because if they didn't have this beginning of 2025, timeline kind of out in discussion, this can probably would have continued

to get kicked down the road. And this might not have come up organically for another year. And it's something obviously that's an issue now. So I do think sometimes with these types of, you know, having kids or getting married or fertility things or whatever it is, sometimes it's nice to kind of be like, okay, let's check back in three months and make sure that we're like renewing this conversation or like coming back to it. So that way everyone does have that forced opportunity to share where they're at.

Yeah. I agree. I think that's a helpful way to go about it. Well, also again, taking him back, taking him up on this counseling thing. Because if you're going to have a kid, it seems like you need to communicate, even if this wasn't the issue, even if it was a different issue, like, if you're going to have kids, you need to be able to, like, share your fears and your thoughts with someone. And, like, it doesn't sound like, both people feel free to do that. So you'd want to work, you'd want to work that out before you, like, brought another person into the mix anyway. Right. But I understand she's spiraling to, like, the, the worst part of her brain, which is like,

I've been conned into thinking this person wants what I want. Now I have to start all over in 32 and then like, I'm not going to be able to have a kid until I'm going to have to freeze my, she's probably like freeze my eggs. Like I'm thinking she's like, right, right. Like this person just messed up my entire future. Like there, she's going to like my entire future,

which I get why she's, she's doing that. I might do that too. Like, I have to start over from step one. And like, that part seems really. daunting and scary and like she's already going to like the worst possible place here in her mind. Yes. So I would start with a therapy session. I would take him up on it. And you said, I'll believe it when I see it. So like that's another thing. Create a timeline in your mind.

If we're not talking about this in a real way within like a month or two or whatever it is, then, you know, that's your sign that he's not, you know, he's, he's not wanting to lean into this emotionally. I think he is. I don't think he would just be bringing that up. Or you can push it too. I do think this communication piece is going to be really important. So, yeah, and I wouldn't jump to say that he's been hiding and lying the whole time. It might have felt easier in theory than now as it's coming closer to reality. I don't think it's a coincidence that this casually came up in conversation in December

when the timeline for coming off birth control was next month. I think that that was a con like maybe subconscious, but like that came out for a reason right now. So great. Good luck. Definitely one day, one session at a time. Send us an update. Yes, please. All right, let's do a betrists.

All right, I will read this. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I love the podcast and look forward to it every week. I have a family Christmas conflict I'd love to get your input on. We're planning on spending Christmas with my in-laws who live about 40 minutes from us. my husband's parents, two sisters, and their kids. We have a newborn and a three-year-old and have a live-in au pair from another country who's been with us for about six months who we love and consider part of our family. One sister is divorced and brought her partner last year who was awkward and difficult to get along with. The other has a longstanding, complicated relationship

with the father of her children, not sure if he's in good graces or if they're fighting this year for Christmas. We had planned to likely sleep there for Christmas Eve and invited our au-peer to join for Christmas morning festivities, which she wants to be a part of and was looking forward to. I mentioned this to my mother-in-law last week, and a couple days later heard through my husband that his sisters do not want our au pair to be there for Christmas morning. I don't understand the justification, but assume this is because they feel uncomfortable because they don't know her.

I'm really upset about this and asked him to explain to them that she's alone in this country and sees herself as part of our family and that we are a package deal. He preferred to try to compromise that we can have her come a little later in the day, like in the afternoon. Where I was willing to say, we'll just do our own thing if they can't accept her. He said if they can't accept this compromise, we'll draw the line there. All the discussion about this drama has been via his mother rather than direct, and he feels that I would be causing a fight if I directly text all the adults to ask them to explain what their issue is and tell them why it's important to us that our opair feels included. I think telling her not to come until later might make her feel excluded, and we definitely don't want that.

She's so sweet and would be uncomfortable if she got wind of this. I also think having her there for presents in the morning makes more sense than her showing up as we wind down, and his sisters likely take their traditional Christmas naps. I feel like, tiny dig. Just a bit. I feel like they're creating unnecessary drama, being exclusionary, and how. behind their mom so they don't have to provide an actual reason for their actions. I have always gotten along with his family and I've never caused drama, but honestly feel so

worked up about this and also incredibly frustrated because my husband agrees that they're being silly but sees their side and is willing to compromise in order to avoid any conflict or direct confrontation. I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Am I being dramatic? Should someone we know and love have to earn her way into family Christmas? Sincerely up against her. a family of Grinches. I like this one. Yeah. Because I see both sides.

You know, like, I do think there's a sense of like, this is like our big family holiday. And like, I don't necessarily want to spend it with a stranger. However, I also get her point of like, it's this person who knows no one in this country. They're like, it's like, again, they're very important holiday. And like they feel. bad, like having them spend this holiday all alone. Like the thought makes her really sad. And I think that's really nice.

Yes. Yes. Yes. And especially having, even if you think down to like the actual day of it, having to be like, so that whole Christmas morning thing we talked about. Yeah, well, we're just going to do that alone. We decided. And we're going to leave you home.

and maybe after, you know, we do the Christmas morning, you can come by and hang out later. Explanation. No, like that whole conversation seems really awkward and comfortable. Yeah. Yeah. Right. But I get it.

I think she brings up, she didn't bring up the whole, the sister-in-law's, you know, partners for no reason. I think she's trying to say, if you're willing to have these people here that are, like, that you don't, that you're fighting with, that you don't get along well with that are causing problems,

it wouldn't be a big deal to have like a very pleasant, nice person that can come and be a part of things and maybe be a little helpful, you know, with everything that's going on. So I think she brought that up to kind of be like, it doesn't make sense that you're willing to have someone here that's like actually going to make you going to make your time more uncomfortable than someone that's just going to be pleasantly like sitting in the corner. Right. I think the way to go about this, again, I don't. know if like I understand why someone would be like I don't really want to spend this with a

stranger I don't know like this is like a family holiday so again I think if she if she wants to get involved I think she could call one of the sisters and really nicely start with that what I just said I could totally understand why you'd wanted to just be the family like it's always awkward to have someone you've never met at like a family celebration. Like I could totally see why that would make you uncomfortable. But we have, you know, she's, we have this O'Pair. She's so quiet. She's so nice.

She's so like she's going to be like such a, at worst, neutral and at best, a great addition. And like she has no, she doesn't know anyone in the whole country. Like the thought of her sitting alone on Christmas just makes me so sad. I would so appreciate it if, like, we could have her and she'll come in the morning. And then she could leave in the afternoon before you take your nap. Yeah. Yes, I totally agree. I think part of the problem here is that you're not, there's not, and she brings that up

too, and I'm glad she mentioned that detail, there's not direct communication. It's like going through the mom who doesn't have the relationship with the O'Pair. So there's. Right. They're not getting that feeling that you just expressed, which is like, we have this person that we actually care a lot about that's going to be completely alone and probably sad. I mean, she's, I'm sure she's youngish, far away from her family is Christmas and she sounds like she was looking forward to it. So I think when you have that direct communication where you're really hearing the emotion behind the other person's perspective, and maybe the sister will open up and say, some compelling reason why she feels like she wants it to be just a family. I wanted to bring up this topic about that I'm getting separated from my partner. I wanted to talk to the family about some bigger issue that I don't want another person there for. I mean, maybe there's something that she's unaware of about why it's so important to her not to have somebody else there.

We don't know, but I totally love the advice of picking one sister, calling her directly, and not saying like, well, what's your problem? But saying, I get it. I understand this is a change. It's different. Can I plead by case? Do you? Yes.

Yeah. And connect on an emotional level instead of like a mom said, you know, Susan's coming. Well, we don't know Susan. We don't want her there. And that's where everyone kind of draws the line with no communication of like the deeper emotions behind everyone's point. So I love the idea of a direct phone call. Right. It seems like the husband's not into it because he thinks she's going to be like antagonistic about it.

But I think if she, as long as like you're saying that you're going to do it in a very like nice, non-confrontational way, I think that I don't see the issue with it, especially like they're your in-laws. You know them very well. Yeah. And I like the idea of what you said. Start off with. I get why. This is a problem for you. It's, you know, comfy family holiday and you're going to have to kind of feel like you're on because there's someone new, whatever the thing. I get it. Like, start with that. Then in the middle you throw in, like, she's, you know, far away from her family. I feel bad.

And then you come out the back end with like, can we have a compromise? Like, what do you think a good compromise would be? Right. And then, again, if she's like as bitchy as you're kind of implying that she is and she's like not going to move. move on this. Wake up a little earlier. Do two Christmas mornings. Do two Christmas mornings.

Do one with the O'Pair at your house and then go to the right other thing. You could do your own additional thing with her in a way. Yeah. Or I think it's reasonable to kind of be like, you know, if you were supposed to be there at nine, so you're going to get there at 10 or whatever. I guess they're sleeping there. Oh, right, right, right, right. That's tougher.

Be like, we're not going to sleep there. We're not going to, we're going to go home and then come back because we want to do it. 40 minutes. I think it's reasonable. You can make your own boundaries. I think it will be great if everyone could take it the way you want it. But there's a lot of room for compromise here. Either you don't sleep over. You do your own little Christmas morning. Maybe the O'Pair can do her own thing. You go to, you know, your in-laws and then, you know, come back. Like, I think you can work around this. But yeah, I see both sides. I personally lean more towards being inclusive. And the

spirit of, you know, the holidays just kind of being like, you know, spreading joy. And yeah, but I get it. And hopefully communication will make everything feel a lot better. Agreed. All right. Let's do some intentions. I will read them. Right. Sorry, this was too late for Christmas. You'll know this for next year. Oh, yeah, that's right. Okay. The pot is such a highlight of my week. love you both, not sure if this is a triggered or I need an intention, maybe both. I recently made a career shift when coming back into the workforce. Instead of resuming a corporate position like the one I had before having my now 11 month old, I chose to return to the high-end athleisure company I'd worked for during and after college

and stepped into a store manager role. Although I'm still in training, this position feels empowering, especially when networking within the industry. When meeting with my peers via Zoom across my region, I'm proud of what I do. They're all of similar ages with families and see this as a career path too. Yet when talking about my role outside of the industry, I sometimes find myself over-explaining it to avoid judgment. My company views store managers as mid-senior roles with responsibilities and compensation comparable to corporate roles. Still, I often catch myself justifying my position

in a way I never had to before. For example, I recently ran into a friend who has always worked in the corporate space and I explained the size of my team and store volume to show her peers. even if our paths look different. She congratulated me, but when she called it a great resume builder, I found myself questioning if she fully understood the impact and leadership involved in my role. I'd love to hear your perspective. I'm learning to balance my confidence in what I do with the need to explain it to others. I no longer want to walk into conversations with a shield of armor,

ready to defend what I do with the people I know will judge or won't understand. Not your typical 9 to 5, betch. Yeah, I like this question. because it really, it comes back to kind of like owning what your, how your goals might be different than other people's and like kind of being sucked into this collective culture of what is supposed to be, what a, what a successful person looks like. Because she took this, she switched for a reason.

I would have loved to hear a little bit more about why she switched because then it can help that can help her kind of come back to, you know, the meaning behind why she took this other role. I'm sure there's, you know, maybe a lifestyle benefit or it was less pressure or maybe she got more time off, whatever that reason is. Or maybe she just liked it better. Maybe she just liked the environment being around like, you know, clothes. Sounds like she liked it. Because she used to work there. She's like she used to work there and then she went back. So she must like it, the environment. I imagine. Yes.

Yes. So I think in this situation, there's almost, we've talked about this before where sometimes there's like this culture of like martyrdom where it's almost like you have to be having the most responsibility and you have to be the most stressed out and you have to be like on the brink of a, you know, mental breakdown to prove that you're hardworking and you're a productive member of society and that like you're doing doing it right because you're so busy and you're always moving like I don't know what I why she feels the need to talk about how many people she's managing and how big the store is I think it's because she has to prove that there's

like a lot on her plate right or like this isn't like she is right she's working hard or this position is I think it's more like this position is like prestigious or this position is I don't know if we're just as the right word. Is it easy or is challenging or challenging? Challenging, I think an impressive. Like that's why she says the amount of people that she manages. Right. Or like she wants to show that she is successful, I think.

And, you know, this is a, because when they think the part that triggered her was someone calling it a resume builder as in it's not okay in its own. It's something that you need that you need to do to get to a higher position. Yes. So I think it's like this proving that it's impressive enough. Right. And I guess what I would encourage her to think of it as like, what's impressive is that you, you like it and that you feel good and that you're enjoying it and that you're happy.

And maybe you have a little bit more time perhaps, but I don't think it's a coincidence she did it after she had a baby going back that you have more time to spend with your baby and you enjoy the work. Like that's what's impressive is that you've created a life for yourself where you like showing up every day, you like what you're doing, maybe you just like the ambiance of being in the store and talking to the people that you're working, whatever the things are that you like about it. Like that's impressive that you found yourself in a role that you enjoy versus what I think sometimes feels impressive is that you're kind of miserable and doing it anyway. Right. And I think her over-explaining

of all the things that she's when she says she's doing that. I'm over, you know, she's over talking about how many people she manages and how many hours she works. Like, that probably almost makes the friend feel the need to like, re, because it sounds like you're trying to justify it to yourself. So the friends may be trying to justify it for you. Like, oh, it sounds like you're like working your way up or something. Right.

Instead of just being like, yeah, I work at like, I'm a manager store and I love it. like yes you know it's been great it's been such a great shift from like the way i used to work as opposed to like trying to make it sound more like your old job yes yeah and so i do think you're touching on something important which is you the listener has to come to a place where you're sort of like i'm okay with this also like i'm okay i don't you know i like the fact that maybe I don't have as much pressure as I did before, or maybe I'm okay with the fact that this might be the last stop for me. Like, this might be as much as I want to achieve in my career. And I'm not going to keep looking for the next. I do think sometimes from the time you're like

in kindergarten, you're like, okay, I'm going to be first grade. And then I'm going to be in middle school. And then I'm going to be in high school. And then I'm going to go to college. I'm going to get a job. Then I'm going to get my next promotion. And it's, some point you're like so used to that constantly climbing up the ladder that you might have to be okay with like I've reached the top of the ladder and like I'm happy here right and kind of like like and now what do I do with that craving mind that since the time I was in kindergarten kept looking for the next best thing I do think this would have been a perfect like you know I like that it's an intention and I have an intention for her but if this was a triggered it would almost

be like, this is your own wound that's being touched here. Like if you accepted that this was the top of the ladder for you and you were okay with it, then you wouldn't be like honing in on this resume builder comment. Or maybe you're pulling that, like you said, pulling that out of people because your insecurity is making it seem like you still need to be climbing a ladder when you're like, no, I'm at the top of the rung. I like it here. I like being able to spend time with my baby.

I like being able to do what I do here, and I don't need anything more than this. Yeah. And that's like refreshing, I think, to hear that. You don't hear that that often, even from the people who are the most successful at any point in like in any fields that you've ever heard of. No one's like, and I'm enjoying it and I like it and like, you know, you rarely hear that. So I think it would be really nice and great to hear that. Yeah. I'm happy right where I am. I don't need anything more. And I do think it comes back to that whole concept of like that craving mind. Like you're always looking for something more. And maybe you can take that all that energy that you put towards like needing to go further in the ladder and just put it towards like, okay, maybe I just need to be more present when I'm here.

And like, you know, look at the color of the clothes and enjoy a conversation that I have with someone that I'm managing and try to make them feel good about a decision that. they made that day or, you know, just kind of pour your energy into what you're already doing versus pouring your energy into trying to move through what you're doing into the next thing. Great, which is part of, it's such a human thing that we do and constantly trying to kind of do to move through to the next thing. So I think it's great that you love what you do and that you're happy where you're at, but you have to believe that before you can, you know, otherwise you're going to keep finding these little triggers and needing to defend yourself. So the intention that I wrote for her is my goals may be different than others.

I know why I chose this path and I'm proud and empowered when I'm here. So just coming back to the reasons why you pick this and you do say, She says she's proud. She says she's empowered. So just kind of coming back and recalling that in those moments before you go into a conversation where you're going to share with someone your career shift. I love that. I think that's a great one.

Good luck. And hopefully you get a good store discount because I love high-end athlete leisure. Yeah, same. Okay. Let's do some triggers. Our first one is a voicemail. Love that. Let's roll the tape.

Hi, guys. I have a triggered scenario for you. So it's Christmas time. And the nice thing to do is get your kids' teachers a gift, right? So my daughter, she's in preschool. She has three teachers that rotate around her room throughout the day. So I got them all the same gift. I got them a cute little gift bag, and I filled it with a full-size lotion, a little

glass bottle that has like clay powder in it that you mix up and make a face mask, wax melts, a scrunchy, and a really cute little notebook. So not like a small gift, although these were all items from an old boutique that I used to have that I closed down last year, but they don't know that. So I didn't really outright buy these things for them, but I still, you know, gifted them to them. So anyway, so we dropped them off last week. And my daughter even went and handed one of the teachers, the bag when she showed up for the day. She was the only teacher in there at the time. And the teacher just said, oh, and like set it on the counter and didn't say anything. And I was

like, you know what? It's okay. Maybe we'll come back. When I come back to pick her up, she'll, you know, at least acknowledge, or one of the other teachers will at least acknowledge that we got them a gift. So when I come back to pick my daughter up, none of the other teachers say anything. And I'm just kind of taken aback. I didn't want them to, like, grovel at my feet or anything. But, you know, I went out of my way to get these nice gifts for them. And they did not and still have not to this day.

It's a week later said, thank you. And that's really, honestly, triggers me when I think about it because manners are kind of important to me. and it's just what you do when someone goes out of their way to give you something. So I don't know. Am I being oversensitive or would you be triggered too? Thanks. Love the podcast. This is interesting.

Good one. I'm glad we got a voicemail. I thought that gave us a nice little flair to her. Like, my Lentford is also so funny where she's like, these are all regifts, but they don't know that. Yeah, I like those little details. No judgment. I would do that too. big re-gifter. Brooks has a

December birthday. So sometimes we do a couple of his birthday gifts get missing and then they reappear for Hanukkah. So, yeah. Well, I hope mine makes it into the Hanukkah pile since it was late. So

this is interesting. On the one hand, it kind of made me think of like, you know, when you tip at like a coffee place or something, but they don't like see you tip. Right. And you're like, I think there's like a curb episode about this where it's like the whole point is that you want them to see you tip. But if they're like turned around and you put a couple dollars in the tip jar, like it doesn't make you feel as good.

Right. Right. Right. Yeah. I do think there is you could call it like, okay, you're supposed, there's two sides. Right. You could just say you're giving just out of the goodness of your heart and you shouldn't need to get anything back or like have any. you know, like you shouldn't need them to say anything because you're giving it to give it. But I do think there's like a human moment that happens between you and your barista, for your example, of like you put money in the jar and that's a way of saying like, I appreciate you and maybe you make eye contact and smile and they say thank you and you say, I really appreciate you. And that's it. It's like a connection.

There's a connection. that comes from gift giving. So gift, it's not like an anonymous donation to build a building. It's like an interaction between two humans. Like you take care of my child

and I'm showing you my appreciation. And then when there's no response, it feels like it's like a one way you can't really connect with them on that. Right. Well, my only thought was like, maybe they're taking the Christmas week off

to write a little thank you to all the parents that got them gifts and they'll put those in the, I mean, this is my, like, this is maybe like, of course she's going to call. Right. But I wouldn't be surprised. Maybe they do get, like, a lot of gifts from a lot of moms who are thinking, or parents

who are thinking just like you. And they, you know, don't know which one's from which. And they're going to, like, figure it out and sort it out. And when you come back in the new year, they're going to say, oh, by the way, thank you so much for the, for the holiday gift. That was really nice. Like, maybe they're doing them. all at once.

Like a, you know, I mean, no one thanks you for your wedding gifts as like the day after the wedding. Get a card like a few weeks later. Probably a few weeks to six months later. But people are like that too. It's like people who give wedding gifts are like, I never got a, I never got to thank you. They cash the check. I never got to thank you.

Yeah. So it is like a social graces thing. I can understand why part of me would be like, did they get it? Like, was it given to the right person? Yes. So I've had that thought, especially when I get someone a gift card and then I don't hear anything from them. I'm like, did it go to their spam?

I want to make sure they got it. Yes. Oh my gosh. Digital, like those kind of gift cards, I have no shame. I'm like, did you get it? Please confirm. Yeah, it's not about, it sounds like you're looking for a thank you, but really you just want to know that they received it.

Right. I totally get this. I think, you know, I, you know, I love teachers. I think they're amazing. They do so much for our kids and they're such a huge part of kids' lives and I know they're super busy, but this isn't the first time they've gotten Christmas gifts. You have to get a system together where you're sending out. Thank you. And I, it's possible she's going to get it after the break. I kind of don't have high hopes for that. Like I really appreciate when I give my kids' teachers gifts. Like that, I think they take their break during the, you know, they have a set of note cards ready.

And that day, when they get it, a lot of times that very day, I'll get back a thank you note in the folder. Like, you know, it's like you have to kind of be organized with it. And it's nice. It's like, I got it. I wrote a note to the. the kid, the kid kind of feels, I think it's also important for the kids to be a part of it and feel like they're connecting with their teacher. They made their teacher happy. You know, there's like this expression, this like sharing of joy and being able to make someone happy through a gift. So I think

it's a, I could see why it's triggering because I do think it's, you have these kids involved too, which feels like this is part of their learning is like the joy of giving and the kid's going to have the real-time experience of that if they open up their folder and there's a note from their teacher in there. I think that makes the kid feel really good about giving the gift also. I guess it just feels weird that like there would be three teachers and all three of them would be like rudely not acknowledging the gift. Right. That's why I'm like maybe there's something else that they plan. Maybe they'll do it after. Maybe they have a system. I wonder if this is her first year in this school. So yeah, maybe they have a system where they're just going to kind of do

during the break, write up all their thank yous and give them when they get back. And most preschools don't have like a full two weeks off because people need child care. Right. I'm just thinking it'd be like odd for all three teachers to not say thank you unless there was something else, some other way that they have it going on. But maybe that's their policy. No thing. Well, it's funny because I did, you know, with Josh, our brother, like when we all had little

kids at the same time and we have a lot of birthdays. and doing different kinds of presents, I was kind of like, we can do like a no thank you note policy. Like if you get me a, I'm part of the alliance. Yes. No thank you notes necessary.

I thank you, you thank me. Like within family, we can have like a no thank you note policy. Like I, you know, great, you got it,

you love it. But I think with like others, I really do. You know, you took the time. You wrapped it up. You put it in a little tissue paper and got it together.

And I do think most people when they give a gift are really thinking, what would this person like? Oh, this, maybe not this, maybe that. So I think it is really nice and I don't think you're sensitive for wanting some acknowledgement that your gift was received. I hope you get it. Maybe you're right. What would you give? Maybe she'll get it by the time this airs. If no thank you ever comes from all three teachers, I would give this like a six and a half. Okay. Seven even maybe.

Seven seems high, but all three teachers. All three. If it was one teacher, I'd kind of be like all my kids are, you know, being cared for by these three people that don't have the same kind of, same kind of, you know, feeling around what it means. to give a gift at the holidays. Like, I think there's something more to it than just like a clay mask. It's like a thought and a like a connection point. That's fair. You can't say anything, though.

All three. No, that's it. You just got to know. And I would, you know, maybe you still give the gift next year, but you change your expectations. You know that they're not going to really acknowledge it. And it's a bummer. I get it.

Yeah. What about you? I would give it a, I'd give it a four and a half, maybe a five. I don't know. I could see, I think I would like forget about it almost. Like to me it's like, I think the fact, maybe not having kids, I'm not like seeing that whole like connection with your child and this is the person teaching them. To me, I'm thinking of it like three iterations of the barista not caring that I tipped, which is like annoying, but also like they've got a lot of shit going on, I guess. But I think with the kids thing, maybe that makes it worse. I could see why the. And it's. like a daily interaction you have with all these people.

That's definitely why I think I put it like a six and a half. I think a seven's excessive. I wouldn't make it a seven. I think I put it a six and a half just because it's kind of like indicative of like, you know, how thoughtful you are or what this all means to you. So yeah. Yeah.

You know, if you're a teacher and you get the gifts and you don't say thank you, let us know why in the comments and Spotify. Would love to hear that. And I just think I love the fact that my, kids, the couple of teachers that they've had, it seems like they have it ready. Like they have their thank you pad during this time of year. They write a quick, thanks so much for the gift. I'm going to love it. Stick it in a folder, move on like it's done. It's just kind of part of it.

It has to be a system. I would be the same way. Super forgetful if I didn't do it that minute. Right. So I get it. All right. Well, looking forward to hearing about tip culture or gifting culture among the preschoolers. Let's do another. Another, triggered. Triggered. I will read this last triggered. Okay, I wanted to get your thoughts on this situation that has occurred so many times in my life that I can't help but think it's carmic retribution. Recently, I was flying from Aspen to Baltimore leaving a girl's trip and had a layover in Denver.

The plane ended up being delayed in Denver for over four hours. I had a few glasses of wine and was pretty tired and not in the best mood by the time I boarded. I was sitting in first class, so I was one of the first people on the flight and was expecting to just, nestled down in my window seat, which I always pick so I can lean against the window and go to sleep. But as I turn the corner and begin making my way down the aisle, I can't help but notice that there's a child in my seat. Not wanting to deal with it, I go to the airline attendant and I say, hey, I think something's going on. There's a child in my seat. The airline attendant is like, oh, no worries, I'll handle. Well, I didn't realize that bending down next to the child in the other seat was his mother.

She pops up so the airline attendant goes over to the mother to tell her that they're in the wrong seat. The mother responds by saying that she's sorry, but she really wants to sit next to her child. She asks the airline attendant if I can sit in the aisle seat across. I expected her to say, sorry, everyone needs to sit in her seat. But she turns to me and says, do you mind sitting in that seat? She really wants to sit next to her child. The mother is staring at me. The child is staring at me.

Everyone is lined up behind me listening. When I tell you, my blood was boiling. But I said nothing. I literally just mean mugged the airline attendant, the mother, and the child. Both my eyes as far back in my head as they could possibly go and sat in a seat. I put on my headphones, put the hood up on my hoodie, and put my sunglasses on. I sulked. My anger must have been radiating through the plane because the airline attendant came up to me

multiple times saying, thank you, offering me points, and I would not, could not muster up the strength to say more than I'm good. I didn't sleep a wink. I was sitting next to a man who smelled so bad of whiskey, and to add insult to injury, her husband was sitting in front of me, so then throughout the flight, he would get up, stand next to me talking to the child

with his ass at my face. Every ounce of my being thinks that I'm in the right, and that it is entitled behavior to sit in a seat that's not yours and just expect the other person to acquiesce to your needs. I should also say that I have crippling social anxiety. I really try to avoid social situations like this. So tell me, who is in the right? Okay.

Here's the thing. If she had said, no, I prefer to sit in that seat, actually. Like, I really like a window seat. And that's why I chose it. And then they were like trying to convince her about sitting there. I would say extremely triggered. If they were like, you know, like gilting her into doing it, they asked, she said yes. just don't say yes.

Yeah. I think there's no issue with asking. Like if the mom wanted to, I think it's kind of rude the way the mom did it. Like instead of waiting for her to sit and then asking her, she like sort of like did it and then asked for permission later, which is right. I will agree. Annoying. Annoyant because now she has to like move someone else instead of moving herself.

But also like she is completely in her right to have said, no, I actually like really prefer that seat. That's why I chose it and to sit there and to learn. to not give a shit if people are like unhappy with her. Yes. So I think it's like kind of triggering, but not that triggering because she said okay. Yes. And she knows it.

She wrote at the end there that she avoids, she has like crippling social anxiety. So I think there probably is this like people pleasing need for her to just say yes. When what she really meant was no. And I think she'd probably afraid to look like a bitch. And maybe they would have thought that she wasn't nice if she said no. And then maybe they would have grumbled and mumbled and they would have been pouting and, you know, sulking the entire flight if she would have said no. But she would have been asleep against the window and probably not even noticed that they were upset. But yes, I do think what she needs to work on is being able to say no when the answer is no.

And maybe they could have asked somebody else that already had an aisle. seat or whatever it was if they could switch. Right. Well, it would have been their problem, which it is. It's their problem. They didn't book the two seats next to each other. I'm sure someone in coach would have switched with them to sit next to each other. Yeah.

I would imagine. Yes. So I get it. It's like annoying to even be asked and then to be put in the position to have to say no. Like no one wants to be that person who's saying no to the mother and the child. And everyone's watching. I think if you polled 100 people, and we can poll on Spotify, I think if you poll people, they would say, like, no, you don't have to move to give up your seat for a kid.

Like, it's nice if you don't care either. If she didn't care either way and maybe the flight attendant didn't think she cared either way, because some people don't. Right. Yeah. Some people might have been happy to do the, you know, to do the good deed and give them the seat and they, you know, they wouldn't have cared. They like an aisle seat anyway.

Or, you know, you never. know, but that was her moment to say, I actually pick the window seat because I like the window seat. And yeah, I think it's on her to have said no. She would have to tolerate, which is this listener's work, right, is to be able to tolerate other people being displeased with you, which is hard. You know, I get that too. It's hard to say no. Everyone's watching. She looks like the bad guy.

I kind of get that. But it is within your right to say no. And it kind of comes back to the whole, you know, what we're talking about, about the meal train. And like there is, I think some people get annoyed with this very like child-centric culture, you know, that like if you have a child, it's almost like you're just entitled to like a lot of things that other people are not entitled to. And I think sometimes people get a little irritated with that. And you're already allowed to board early. What else do you want to work? Like you're allowed to board early or like, you know, like if you're on a bus or a train or, you know, and I get there's a difference, I think, sometimes between when you have like a tiny little newborn baby or like a pregnant mom versus like, I don't know, you have like a five-year-old.

It's like they can stand on the bus or they can stand, you know, they can sit at the other side of the aisle and, you know. here's the other thing it's like a five year old in first class like they'll be okay right like I don't I was not in first class at five years old or like you know

especially not on this kind of flight like they're going to be okay coming back from Aspen it's not sitting directly next to their mom right right so I do think there is probably a little bit more to it

and I get both sides I obviously have raised three kids. I know sometimes it's easier. You don't have to reach across the aisle, especially if it's like a, you know, a tiny child. But if this child was that tiny, they probably wouldn't have their own seat anyway. So like I do get that some people start to feel annoyed after a while.

If you're, if you don't have kids, that sometimes it seems like the kids needs like take over everything. So I can see that perspective too. But I agree. She needs to be able to stand up for herself. next time say no and then kind of sit with that discomfort of like oh maybe there's a whisperer somebody's like thinks that you're not nice and like you're like okay but i paid a lot of money for my first class

seat and they could i'm sure like you said if they really wanted to sit next to each other that badly they could go to the back of the plane and find two people and coach that would gladly switch i'm sure i would switch i would yes i would sit in an aisle instead of the window for Same. Same. So, you know, how much did they really want to sit? But she, like you said, she didn't even give them the opportunity that they had to make that choice because she did say yes. So I'll give it a four and a half, actually. I'm giving it a four and a half because I do think it's triggering that someone took that the mom knowing it wasn't her kid's seat. Just put the kid in the seat and then like made it. It's harder to opt out than it is to opt in. You know what I mean? Like it makes it more uncomfortable to ask someone to switch the seat when you're already sitting there.

So I think they did put her in a slightly more annoying position than like. Right. She was already in the seat. Yes. I agree with you. I agree. Yeah. I, I'll give it a four because she didn't say no.

And she could have said no. The just asking, I think you could ask. I don't think it's anything wrong with them asking. And if the answer is no, the answer is no. And they should be kind about the answer to be no, too. I agree. And if she asked and she said, no, I'd rather have the window seat. And the mom was like, really?

Like, you're not going to let me sit next to my kid or like was putting up a case for it or like really trying or make or guilting her. I would say this would be like an eight. Honestly. Right. That would be. And then she did it because of that. I would say that would be like much higher. But they asked once, which is I think you can always ask.

for whatever you want. There's no reason that you, if I'm a mom and I want to, and maybe I wanted to book these seats, there was none left. I figured let me book them and I'll try to switch with someone. Maybe they won't care. Right.

I would ask if they say no. I would immediately say, okay, no problem. But I don't think there's, it's so triggering to ask for something. Totally. Yeah. I completely, I completely agree. I think that, yeah,

I do think there's work to be had here and being able to say no. If she said no and then they're stink-eyeing her the whole time and making comments under their breath and being rude, then that would have been a super triggering scenario where like you booked the seat. But yeah, maybe you wanted an aisle seat. They don't know.

Maybe you would have preferred that and you just booked that one because that's all that was left. And it would have been a win-win for everybody, which happens a lot of times in airline situations. Which is why it's okay to ask. Yeah. And now that we're talking about it even more, because they just asked nicely once,

I would get, I'm going to bump it down again. Yeah, to a three. I'm keeping the four because she sat, because she sat the kid there. She sat the kid in the seat and then made her feel like her seat was already taken when it wasn't. Right. Which was manipulative to me personally, I think. Yeah, I could see that. All right.

Well, yeah, these airline situations are, you know, people do, like, I've done that too where I'm kind of like, I'm going to book the two, the aisle in the window. I've done that too. Yeah. Like, whoever comes, I'm going to like ask. them or like switch just so we can if there's nobody there maybe we'll get the extra seat because nobody's going to want to book a random middle um most people are happy to give up the middle seat exactly so that's like another little manipulative move but uh you know that you're not harming anybody there they're booking a middle and they're going to end up getting an aisle or

window yeah if they really wanted the middle like okay they could sit there yeah they could awkwardly sit in the middle between two people that are related to each other. I've done this too and no one has ever said no. Yeah. They've been like, yeah, great, of course. Yeah, totally. It's actually like giving someone a special little surprise. It is because it's like that person only booked the middle seat because there were no other seats left and was like probably dreading having to sit in this middle seat and you gave them an out.

Yeah. So all for the booking the. poking the bookends and seeing what happens. All right, well, I hope we help. Please give us updates. Please give us feedback. My New Year's resolution again is to interact more with you guys. I hope it's kind, but even if it's not, I'm going to just kind of breathe through it and see that is my emotional exercise. But I do want to interact with all you guys. So let us know what you're thinking and feeling. I love that. Okay. Well, guys, leave us a nice little 2020-forward. you if you feel like it. And we'll see you next year and oversharing. All right. That's our time.

Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Rebecca Steinberg. Editing by Will Maxwell. Guest booking by Ali Friedlander. Be sure to follow us on Instagram and everything's fine. And send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294.