Oversharing - How To Avoid Single Bitterness

Episode Date: September 19, 2023

Dr. Naomi shares a story about feeling heavy emotions after hearing news from old friends. Plus, Jordana tells us how she prioritized her own needs on her birthday this year. An emailer writes in with a dilemma about feeling burned out and bitter after going on one-too-many dates. How do you navigate the disappointment that comes with a string of unsuccessful dating encounters? The Betchicist question comes from a listener who got a saved-the-date for an upcoming wedding but never got invited. What are the rules of wedding invitations? They answer a voicemail from a caller who needs help setting intentions for a positive outlook on her pregnancy. Is it possible to learn to let go and live in the discomfort of someone else’s mistakes? They close things with some Triggered scenarios about a redheaded baby and some daunting dating advice. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Trudana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. It's been a bit.

How are you? How has your week been? I'm doing, you know, I was going to say I'm doing okay. I'm feeling a little heavy this morning. First of all, we're recording this on 9-11. So that's already like heavy. I've just been feeling a little heavy. I know you had a birthday, so I wanted to check out.

I didn't want to be totally selfish and sabotage our chat. How was your birthday? My birthday was nice. It was very like low-key. I didn't really. I was, I had a dinner planned with friends. I went out for dinner with Mike on my birthday. And then I had a dinner plan with friends.

And I was kind of like, I'm a little tired. Oh, you didn't want to go to your own birthday. dinner. I had it, yeah. So like, but that was like four, four days before, because I had planned, I had kind of like organized it. And then I was kind of like, I don't really want to do this. I'm just like tired. I've been traveling a lot. I haven't like been in my house. I just kind of want to like relax and not. And it would be one thing I think if it was like thrown for me, but I was like, I don't really want to like find the spot and do the thing. And like, I just don't feel like doing it. That's your birthday gift to yourself that you can.

could just like flake on your own birthday dinner whenever that's like everyone should be entitled to do that if they want to agree and a massage i also got myself sweet massage yeah so you called everyone to text everyone and was like forget it i don't feel like i was like never mind but i had lunch with another with a friend on like sunday but i was like i don't need it to be about my birthday i could just like have a lunch yeah exactly totally i could see that this is 34 canceling your own birthday day You know, you got to do what you feel. That's your day to do exactly what you feel like doing. So if that's what you felt like doing,

it's just like veging on the couch, then do it. Yeah. I've had like a lot going on. So I feel like it's, yeah, traveling. But I mean,

yeah, speaking of a lot, and moving into this house and traveling and like all this other stuff, I mean, good stuff, but it's like just, it's, I was,

I just wanted to sit still. So that was really nice. But it was like a little anticlimactic, but there's always 30. That's a big one. Yeah, that is a bigger one. All right. We'll do it up for 35.

Yeah. But what about you? I tried to FaceTime you yesterday. I have something interesting to. Yeah. Oh, you didn't get it. No, I didn't see it. Sorry.

That's weird. Well, I'll face time you later for non-air appropriate updates. Ooh, now I'm curious. But for those of you listening at home, you were saying that you wanted to talk about something maybe a little heavier. Yeah. So I don't know if the listeners are in the mood. It's not, like I said, it's 9-11.

I woke up feeling kind of heavy. It's weird because, and it's funny, because I'm obviously 10 years ahead of you. So whenever we talk, it's like this interesting dynamic of kind of like what you're going through versus what I'm going through 10 years later. But I had a friend recently that lost her mom. And I knew her mom. She used to come visit us in college all the time. This is a close college friend of mine.

And it just, it like, hit me really hard. And it's weird because I don't know if you've ever had this experience, but like sometimes something happens and it's not me, it's someone else. And I haven't seen her mom in probably 15 years. It's not like we're close. But I just felt so bad for her. And it kind of like threw me off balance, like emotionally off balance. This was probably already at least two weeks ago. But I'm still feeling a little, you know, funky from it and I have another friend of mine that, you know, is just going through some stuff. And I feel like now that we're all having big, like our kids are growing up and they're not like toddlers and babies, they're like moving more towards like tween and teen. There's like little kids,

little problems, big kids, big problems. So it just, you know, it's, I don't know. I'm like absorbing a lot of my friends' sadness and stuff. It feels like. the way you describe it, especially with the stuff with like kids and the kids and the big problems. It's like you at 44 have sort of like established your adult life and feel like probably nestled and comfy and cozy in it. But now it's like the new task is bringing your kids helping your kids get to that point. Totally. Closer to that point. And it must be a weird feeling to be like to be like. like, oh, like, that's it for me.

I've done it all. Nothing left to do here. No more like surprises of like. Right. And you know, how many kids am I going to have? And what are they going to be like? And I mean, you'll still see them grow into adulthood. But I think I wonder if there's, if there's any aspect of that that's in it.

Well, I feel like it just changes. Like before it was, am I going to find a partner? Then you find your partner. Then am I going to get married and you get married. and then house and kids and whatever the things that you want. And now it's almost like, and this is part of why I want to bring it to the listeners, and this is what I do in my groups all the time, because I get people together that are not even dating anyone,

and then I get people together that have three kids. And I try to show you, like, if your mind is going to let it be never ending, like the woman in the group with the three kids and the husband still has stuff that she's worrying about and stressing out about. so that's not like the answer kind of thing. So now that I'm in that, I feel like the stressors just change of like, you know,

are my, like you said, are my kids mentally healthy? Are they happy? Are they socially? Are they doing well academically? My friends are my parents, and my parents aging and watching your parents start to age,

watching your friends parents pass away and this feeling of like, just this existential thing of like the last time we get together in these big groups it's like for a wedding and now it's because someone's parent passed away and it's just like feels you know a little heavy does it make you question your own like mortality yeah kind of and then you know you see your body start aging differently this was I don't know if this was part of it it certainly didn't help so I took Madeline turned 10 over the weekend and I took her and a few of her friends to six flags so we're waiting on this long long

line and like all the girls and they all have like these really pretty different color eyes like blue and green and so we were like sitting there like taking close up pictures of all of their eyes and so then out they were like oh let's do yours so like so they do mine and I'm like scrolling through and it's like these adorable little like fresh faced and then mine it's like all these like wrinkles and sunspots and like it was just like one of these things just doesn't belong here you know it was like so it was just this moment of like comparing like the youthfulness to myself so I was just kind of like I mean I just remembered that right now but I'm sure that doesn't help my whole like existential mortality mini crisis I mean do you and I'm not this is clearly not what I'm saying

that you have but do you talk to a lot of people who have like a midlife crisis yeah yeah yeah it usually I usually see people because they've acted out in some way. on it. You know, like they don't, a lot of people, that's not true. Some people will come in and be like, I feel stuck, I feel lost, I don't know my purpose, that kind of thing. But a lot of times they come in because they're like, you know, looking to leave their marriage or they're, you know, wanting to move somewhere and their partner doesn't want to move or, you know, things that just, or all of a sudden they decide it, you know, in their mid to late 40s that they want a baby when they never thought they wanted to be, something that's just like a symptom of it. So, you know,

So yeah, I think people have a tendency to want to always kind of worry about the next thing or if there's nothing to worry about, sometimes you can only stay in that for so long before it starts to just feel stagnant, even though that's kind of what we all say we're looking for. Well, I mean, I think it's sort of this longing for a little bit of the past, which is funny because when you're in the past, you're just trying to get to the next phase, you know, like you're trying to get to that next point. But then sometimes when you have it, you're like, oh, did I spend my whole youth super anxious

about this guy or this thing? And then you're like, and now I, if only I could be 22. Yes. Or something. Totally. The responsibilities that come with that, which are much less. Right. And like every single listener email that we get in a year or two, it's going to be

like in the abyss of things that you've worried about in your life. Like there's so many moments that you had and that I had where you're like, this feels so important right now. There's this decision that I need to make or this thing that happened that feels so painful or this like huge dilemma that I'm in or stage of life that feels unbearable. And then after a few years, it's like, wait, what? When? Oh, right, that thing.

It's just like. I can't believe I was so anxious about that. It just disappears. And it goes away. I mean, look, if it's trauma, if it's death, if it's grief, it doesn't necessarily go away. But like, you know, all of our triggers that feel so triggering are like gone in the wind after a while. So I know that, you know, right now it just feels like a heavy day. But it's weird.

I think I need another one of those breathwork sessions. I feel like I have like pent up emotions that need to be released. So I might sign up for one of those. Just like. Oh, yeah, you sent it to me. Yeah, you feel like heavy and then you have to just go on with. with your day with this heaviness. And then after a little while, you're like, no, I have to kind of release this somehow,

whether it's like journaling or breathwork or good cry. Yeah, good cry. Yeah, totally. So I'm feeling that. But I thought I'd share that with the listeners that like everyone gets this heavy feeling every now and then. And, you know, it's a moment like we always say. It's not going to be forever.

But it's here right now. Yeah, summer's over. Yeah, just passing of time is heavy. Yeah. There is that feeling at the end of the summer, at least for me, of like, oh, that summer's gone. Like, I looked forward to it. It was here. No, it's gone.

Totally. And like, and every year goes by faster than the last just because you've been alive for more years. So it's a shorter period of your life. Yes. Like when you were 10, it's 10% of your life that went by. It feels like a long time. Right. You know.

Right. Now when you're your 30s, your 40s, you're like, it just like, it all feels like it's moving very fast. Yeah, it's so true. And you have the memories of all of the ones that have come and gone. I saw this thing. It was like sort of inspirational, but sort of depressing. It was like, you're going to have 75 summers. Let's just say you live to 70.

You're going to have 75 summers. Oh, wow. You're going to have 75, you know, that's it. And everyone that goes by is, and, you know, I've already done 44 of my 75s. So like every, it's like, okay, there it is. But it can also be inspirational. I don't want to depress all the listeners here. It can all.

It's not what they came here for. Exactly. I want my money back. It can also be inspirational, you know, like I have 75 summers. Like, what am I going to do? Sees the day. Yeah, seize the day. And just like be grateful and be in the moment and like, you know, every moment counts.

But yeah. How much time would you waste if you thought you had forever? probably a lot totally okay well hopefully these emails that we get are not too depressing but I think the one at least the one I was just looking at that we're about to start with I think is somewhere along you know what you were just saying can help this person also yeah all right let's get into it enough about me I will read the overshare dear Dr. Naomi and Jordana first off thanks for producing such a wonderful podcast I look forward to it every week my dilemma is simple and yet complex at the same time. I'm 34, single, and I've been dating on and off for the last 10 years.

Through the highs and lows of it all, it's been tough not to lose hope altogether. All my close friends are in long-term relationships or married with kids. It's difficult to communicate authentically without coming off as bitter and angry. Maybe I am. I understand that things happen in their own time, and I've learned to love my single life, but I can't help wondering, where is my person? Not to mention that dating men can be challenging and takes its own toll on my self-esteem. I'm tired of walking away from dates, being groped, monologued at, and just generally feeling unseen. I used to find it easy to connect with people around me and generally consider myself an open person. So I'm not sure why in the context of dating, it seems next to

impossible to forge any kind of emotional connection. It's especially difficult because while I don't particularly want kids or marriage, I do really want a partner. It feels like an impossible situation where the harder I try, the less things work out. And And then I'm blamed for my own singleness and lack of ability to just pick someone. Navigating the disappointment is hard enough without feeling like I'm defective for not being able to make it work with men who I don't feel treat me the way I deserve. How do I keep hope alive and avoid getting into the frustration? And how can I communicate with friends and family about the very real challenges of dating

without coming across as angry and jaded? Sincerely, a bitter betch. Yeah, this is, I think, so many listeners are going to. to relate to this. There's so many people out there going through this feeling. And I really do validate it. Like, you know, I always tell people or I don't always tell people, but I do think that you don't, you know, any external thing like finding a partner isn't going to be the solution to your happiness. But I will fully validate that having a partner in life is sometimes really, you know, it can make a big dent in loneliness or filling that void or giving you confidence or like allowing

you to kind of move through life with a little bit more ease. So I do think that I really validate the desire for that. Like on the one hand, I like to say, well, you know, be happy in yourself and enjoy being single and do all, you know, all the things that people say. Like, you know, enjoy your single life and your freedom and you don't have to deal with anyone else. But I do think that there is just a sense of peace that comes along with having like a finding your person so I will validate that and I think it can be a sort of like it seems like the key to life when you're dealing with these kinds of things is to be able to say you know this is what I want and I'm owning that I want but also not make it sort of consume you right and depress you yes if you don't have it and it's

very I think it's a very hard thing to do I mean I do that with kids like I think it's It's a very hard balance because it's hard to say, you know, I love my life the way it is when you don't exactly. Right. Like so it's like you don't want to be pretending like you say toxic positivity. Right. And people will say that. Like you don't want to be pretending that you're very happy as you are if you're not. But you also don't want to like, like you said, your thoughts become your reality.

Like believe that if you don't have to. Totally. So I think you can strike the balance. It sounds like. this listener, I do think has like some emotional stuckness that is coming off as bitter and jaded. I don't think just to other people, but I think to herself too. Like even the way she describes the dates, it does sound like she's a little jaded, you know, like being monologued at.

Like that's a way to interpret someone that's very talkative or has a lot to say or whatever it is. just like kind of a negative view of that type of behavior, which I get. So I think she's stuck in this cycle of like, I don't want to settle for something that doesn't feel good, for someone that I don't feel like is seeing me, for someone that I don't feel like sees me for who I am or is going to be respectful. Like she says, being groped. I don't know what that, what's happening there. You know, certainly someone that's like talking at her or these things that she's explaining, like I get that she does it feels like I don't want to. settle and I shouldn't have to settle and that almost makes her angry that people are perhaps

suggesting that she settle. But at the same time, I think that attitude towards like I shouldn't have to settle is maybe making her cling to a certain judgmentalness, perhaps, of these people that she's going out with because she sees them. She probably sizes them up very quickly and then decides. that leaning into that or giving them the benefit of the doubt would be settling. And that doesn't fit in with her. You know, I saw something that was like, if you have responses on your dating apps that are like,

don't bother messaging me if. Negative. Yeah. Then you're probably need a break. You're probably like a little jaded. You're probably like your antenna are so finely tuned because you've been screwed over so many times that you know so that's I don't know if she's in that boat and I'm sure she's tried taking a break it's out she's probably tried that before but I do think that there's a cycle of like

clinging to this idea that I don't I will not settle but that also perhaps allows you to not soften into somebody that if you met them at a bar and you guys were making eyes at each other and there was this flirty thing going on that you might overlook something that's not as easy to overlook when there's someone that's like presenting themselves on an app and you're showing up at an organized date. I think that happens sometimes too. There's like a fantasy version that of the guy that you're looking for. And if he doesn't show up within the first 10 minutes, you're like, it's another notch on the jaded belt. Right. Yeah. No, I think that's a, that's a great point. I think the, and I was, I went to another one of those like Rakey type people recently. And,

And, you know, believe it or don't believe it. But what she was, some of the stuff I took away from that encounter was like a few things that she was saying was like, the energy that you bring into something like matters. It's not a, it's not just a physical thing. Like we're like 2% energy, 2% physical body and like 98% energy. Like that's why we're moving around. And so if you're bringing like an energy of like negativity and if you're bringing an energy of like it'll probably not go well or it probably won't go right, then like that is going to

become the reality. Yes. Of what you're doing. Yes. Because that's the energy you're bringing to something and that's sort of the energy that you're creating and then it feeds into itself. And whether that's, you know, a magical Reiki thing or a self-fulfilling prophecy, as you call it in like traditional psychology. Right. I think that's, I think there's some truth to that. There's, you know, there's, I think it's like sort of a mix of both. It's like, yeah, you've got to, go on the dates. Like you've got to put yourself out there. You've got to go.

It sounds like she's doing that. Right. And some people can think, well, I'm doing that. That's kind of enough. That's like what I've been doing. But it's kind of like if you do all that stuff, but you go into it and you don't really want to be there or you're thinking it's going to turn out negatively or you're just like this guy is just going to be talking at me or he's not going to text.

Right. Like then it's sort of pointless to do the work. Yes. People get like overprotective, I think, in dating situations where they've been screwed over, they've been ghosted, they've been, you know, had someone that just, you know, wanted sex or, and then they go into it like almost where their mind is like sizing the person up and trying to figure out how they're going to get screwed over. And that is just, that's not sexy, fun, connected energy. It's the

opposite of connected energy. So yeah, I totally. And I'm feeling, like even I started off this morning of like, I'm feeling heaviness. What is that? It's like an energy. It's like an like I really feel like a heavy energy and it's just like it's a real I it's a real thing and just being aware of it I think is the first step where you're you know if you go into the date if you're not in the mood to go on the date I wouldn't go on the date you know if you can't get yourself in a place where you're going to be open and you're going to think like okay if he talks a little bit too much in the first you know 20 minutes like maybe he's nervous or maybe he just feels like you're interested, he read it wrong or, you know, whatever it is.

Instead of being like, oh, here comes another narcissist, you know, and it's like not, and I get it because she probably has seen that guy a bunch of times. Totally. And I think that like, but I think she's, like you said, she's going in with all this judgment. If she could change the judgment to just observing, like, oh, that was interesting. Like, just like observe, I think if you observe without judgment, you can still decide someone isn't for you. but you're going into it just being like just kind of watching what happens almost like

aside from your ego like taking your ego out of it just kind of watching and like as if as if you were watching a friend go on a date where the outcome right didn't really matter to you but like you know you're intrigued by what's happening like if you could just look at it like that then it's just like a data point totally totally because look you're married I'm married there are definitely times where if the person that I'm married to showed up on the first date, we never would have gotten past the first date. Totally. So, you know, like, not everybody is going to be their best self on that first date. You know, most people do try to bring their A game, but like, everyone's flawed. And I think that's the thing is like you're going into these dates really

judging someone. That's like kind of what a first date turns into. If you could look at it, like you said, instead of I'm going into this with like my, you know, magnifying glass and my notepad and like, you know, analyzing this person instead of just being like, all right, let's just see if we could have fun together instead of like. An interesting conversation. Yes, something. Or if look at his face, find something cute. Oh, his teeth are so, you know, perfectly straight or like, you know, his eyebrows are nicely

manicured. Like focus on something that's like positive that you like looking at and try not to be, I think what happens when you're on a timeline and you think you're too old and everyone else is in a relationship, every date becomes like, is this the one? I'm going to figure out if he's the one. It's like when you go to a casino and you're betting for your rent money. Right. Like that's a scared money. You're probably going to, you're not having fun. You're doing it because you're terrified. You're not doing it like to have fun. And so the energy you bring into it just isn't great. And I would say even with it when she talks about her friends like how do you talk and i've i've encountered this too as like

the fertility stuff with my friends i'm like i don't want to be like this person who's just like constantly complaining about this thing or like constantly like living in this world where i'm just venting about this stuff and you know i was talking to this rakey person about some of that stuff and she was like the way you talk about it to other people like if you can like even if it's like a little bit fake it till you make it like if you feel that that something's going to happen for you. And you tell yourself and you believe that. And what's trust?

It's sort of like, it's like knowing that something's going to happen without concrete evidence. It's like, I trust that this is going to happen to me. I believe that this is going to happen for me. And if you kind of go into that energy, bring that to all your conversations,

not just on your dates, but the way you talk about your situation with other people, again, I think you can have a bad day. Right. Where you're like feeling overall like negative, which I think is fine. That happens.

But I think if you, you can go into it talking to other people, talking to your, because that's how you're going to talk to yourself. Yes. Another thing she said, which I thought was like, kind of like similar to what you say is like your words are like spells. Like what you say is going to happen kind of does happen to an extent. Right. Yeah, I totally agree with that. So for this listener, how, what do you do? Right. So a lot of times that it boils down, I think, to like allowing yourself to feel your feeling. So if what she's really feeling is grief and loneliness and fear. Like she's, right.

You know, grieving this life that she wants to have that she doesn't have yet. And she probably feels lonely and she's afraid she's never going to get it. So like, just be true to that and like have your extreme of like, I'm going to feel that. I'm going to cry. I'm going to like let that out and like more of the vulnerable soft emotions of like this is what I'm really sad about or this is the grief that I'm experiencing, that I'm left behind, that my friends are moving on with a life that I can't participate in and like really cry about that or journal that or like let yourself have that.

I think people are afraid to do that because you're like, I don't want to be the sad sack. Like I don't want to be like I love my single like you're kind of torn between like I love my single life and I'm happy by myself. So you almost don't want to let yourself go to that like darker place of like I really am sad and lonely, but I think if you let yourself go there and like fully feel it and cry and heave and grieve fully, like I think people hesitate to do that because like it's not a death. Nothing happened that can't be undone. Why am I like heaving, crying over being single?

Like that's so pathetic. I should be independent and have. No, feel whatever you have to feel. Let it all out. Whatever that looks like. And then you can come back to doing what you're saying to do, which is like speaking more positively, being more hopeful because you've kind of cleansed out that negative energy and allowed it to like come up and out and like exist versus when we don't see ourselves, when we don't see our darker emotions, then we end up doing the fake until you make a thing. And what she's experiencing is like the seeping out, the jadedness, the bitterness is the seeping out of those negative emotions that not they don't need to seep out they need to like fly out and maybe she needs to let that happen a little bit more and then it'll release that

those jaded feelings which may be coming across in the dates yeah I think that's great advice I think that's a better tweak on mine which is like don't try to cover it up with this positivity but feel it and then once it's released you know try to go into it with a different mindset Yes, then pay attention. I totally agree with paying attention to how you're talking to yourself about it and how you're talking to other people about it and how you're thinking about the men that you're going out with. Like if you're thinking negatively about them, they're going to, like you said, the energy, they're going to pick up on that. And then they're probably not going to be their best selves either. Yeah, but this is a great question. I know that there's like,

you know, thousands of people out there that are experiencing this. So thank you for being vulnerable, writing in. Give us some updates if you can try some of this stuff and see if it helps. You want to read the betchesis? Yes, I will read the betchesis. Dear Dr. Naomi and Jordana, really loving the podcast and always brightens my week. Going to jump right into things. A friend of mine sent me a save the date to her wedding. I received the save the date in March for the wedding in mid-October. My summer has been super busy and time flew by so I didn't realize until this weekend, Labor Day weekend, that the wedding was six weeks away and I I hadn't received an invitation. I thought maybe it got lost in the mail and I knew they had

electronic RSVP through the wedding website. So I entered my name in the RSVP section and it said my name was not found, which means I was never sent an invitation in the first place, not on their guest list at all. This friend and I have known each other since we were 12 and used to be very close in middle school and high school. As adults, we've developed into occasional lunch catch up and texts on your birthday friends. not super close but we keep in touch. I wasn't even sure if I was going to make the cut in the first place and was genuinely happy to learn that she planned to invite me. Looks like I didn't make the cut after all.

I understand that sometimes shit happens and people have to make cuts to guest lists, but I would at least expect the text to let me know. I've been holding the date in my calendar for six months. I'm honestly so offended and pissed off. On the most basic level, I find this incredibly rude and tacky, but on a deeper level, it feels like a strong statement. about our friendship. I have not decided if or how I'm going to address it with her.

It's all around uncomfortable. In the meantime, curious to hear what you make of this. Sincerely, you are so not invited to my wedding. You see in the movie? Yeah. You're so nice.

Yeah, I liked it. I actually watched it with the girls. It was funny. This is an interesting one. You know, I've heard of this happening before. Oh,

you have. Okay. Yeah. I think people who get a little like maybe trigger happy with their save the dates and then they gets a little closer to the wedding and they're like, oh, it costs this much per person. Right. Like maybe we're not as close as I thought we were. Yeah.

So I think it like, it doesn't have to be a sign of that the person like she did something wrong or the person suddenly hates her. But I do think, and I think this is an error and it can be seen as kind of tacky. I agree with that where you're kind of like feeling hopeful that you could invite this person and then maybe more people getting the sense. that more people are coming than you thought or you're getting a sense of the cost as it gets closer and you're like oh maybe like this person can can get to the cut list before I send the actual invitations right I I don't know I my it's funny because I was just saying how I'm like I always give everyone the benefit of the doubt I was like maybe it's an oversight like maybe she just like didn't you know she just forgot about her or whatever no no

They're not that close. Right. To me, this was like a clear cut. But I'm like, I don't know. Don't send someone a save the date if you're not planning on invite. Like that's when I think you should be getting your guest list together. I get what you're saying. Maybe you're sending the second.

And this is a, you know, PSA for everyone out there. Don't send out the save the dates the second you pick your date. Your venue, yeah. Sometimes people are like, so they're like overly excited or they want to make sure people are going to come. So they send it out immediately. Yes. You have to get.

your guest, like, you have to get your guestless in order before you send save the dates. I think it's incredibly tacky to send someone to save the date. It's almost like you may be invited to my wedding, but not sure yet. I'll decide in a few months. Like I just think that's basically the notification that you're going to be invited. And then to not invite, I think is incredibly tacky. I get it. Shit happens.

And I do see, and she does too. But I agree. If you make a big mistake and you send someone to save the date that you cannot invite to the wedding, I think you owe that person a text. A text? I guess maybe she just doesn't. I mean, she says they were friends in middle school and high school and they do a happy birthday text.

Like, I think, yeah, the upsetting thing about this for the friend for the friend who didn't get invited is like she's sort of drawn a line in the sand. But before that, she didn't think she was going to be invited anyway. But then she was happy when she was. but originally she didn't really think she was going to be invited. Right. Yeah. I mean, did you do this?

You seem like a little bit protective of this. No, I didn't do this, but I know people who have done it. Right. I get it. But I think it's a mistake that needs to be owned up to. That's my point. Everyone makes mistakes. If she wants to salvage the friendship.

Right. I agree. Yeah. I could see why she's upset about this. I do think that the ethical thing to do if you make a mistake like this, is to send a text and say, I'm so sorry. As the time got closer, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I really, you know, I hope you understand.

I get it that she didn't want to invite this person. That's fine, but then she shouldn't have sent her a save-the-date. I agree. Unless they, like, haven't talked in six months. I mean, I can see why she would be like, oh, I originally sent her the save-the-date. That was a mistake. It's almost more awkward because we never talk for me to text her and tell her that she's not invited.

Maybe she doesn't even remember the wedding. Right. Or she. And like hasn't gotten. Again, I haven't done this. I know you've, it seemed like I'm like really defending this person. I didn't do this.

Right. But I can understand like why someone would do that. And if let's say they do birthday texts, their birthdays haven't been in that six month period. And she's just kind of like, it almost feels weirder to like bombard this person with a rejection when like, I don't even know if they care. that they got to save the date or if they were planning on coming.

Right. Now they don't have to get me a gift. Right. Totally. And look, in her defense, I could also say, I think what I would do, if I had a friend that I wasn't very close to and I got to save the date, I personally would probably just be like, hey, got to save the date. That's, it's so pretty. I'm so excited. Like, you know, whatever. I would say something to like inject a little bit something into the friendship and then maybe start to churn the juices of the friendship a little bit in anticipation of the wedding to just kind of be like, let's get a little closer. I'm going to be coming to your wedding. We haven't seen each other in a long time. Like I think I could see if this person didn't do any of that. It's kind of like you said she doesn't even know if she got it. If she didn't say,

hey, got to save the date or like make a little effort to get. Maybe she was, I don't think intentionally, but kind of like you said, sent to save the date, heard nothing, not like. Right. Now she's finalizing the guest list. Right. How's wedding planning going? She needs to cap it at a certain number. And she's like, well, I haven't heard from this person in six months like I was on the fence

before. But the safer thing to do wedding etiquette wise is to only send the save the date to people that you are 100% sure that you want to come. Right. And then send an invitation to someone who hasn't received a save date. Yes. as opposed to the other way around. That's good advice.

Because then if they're not that close and they didn't save the date and they have something to do, like it's not the biggest loss because they were on the B list anyway. Yeah. I validated being annoying that she didn't get an invitation and that she held that date for something else.

Right. But again, she like didn't really even think about this wedding until like she knows she knows that they're not that close. She was saying she was surprised she was invited. So I could see why the first. friend was like, oh, we haven't spoken. She didn't acknowledge the save of the date. And like, I feel like it would just be so weird to text her to tell her. She's not invited. Yeah, I could see that, I guess. Like, I haven't spoken to you, but I'm going to reject you right now from my wedding.

I could see that. All right. I see that side of it. I just, uh, I think the listener went wrong by not being like, oh, yay, I'm invited. Let me like got the save the date. So excited. Right. Let me just put a little bit of effort into this friendship. Like I'll do that too if I know, let's say I'm having like a girls weekend and some of the girls that are coming like I haven't spoken to in like a month or two. I'll just kind of be like, oh, well, like let's just like I'll text them a little more to kind of be like let's get a little closer before we have this weekend together. So. Yeah, that's why they do like pre-bachelorette group chats. Right. Like get everyone like kind of in the flow of friendship.

Right. Or we spend a weekend together. Totally. I still think it's real. A little more messed up. I still think it's rude. I think, you know. I would say Emily Post would say not cool.

Right. Let's move along. Let's do some intentions. We have a voicemail for the intentions. And if you want to leave a voicemail, you can call 646-363-6-2-94. I love the voicemails. I love hearing the tones and voice as people read their own emails. I think they're great.

Or you can email over sharing at batches.com. But let's roll the tape. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, huge fan of the podcast. I'm actually calling with an update and hopefully an intentions question. So I was on the September 19th, 2020 podcast after having a miscarriage. I was really upset. I actually fell into a pretty deep, dark depression for a while. I was pretty miserable.

And I became, like, obsessed with fertility and obsessed with trying to get pregnant again. And I actually had other early losses after that first one this spring. I just felt like something was wrong. I wanted testing, and when I hit the year mark, my doctors said, you know, just keep trying. Why don't you wait until it's been a year since your first loss? I pushed back a little bit. Ended up moving with my husband. We're in a major city now with more resources, and they ran some tests.

My husband's numbers were great. It turned out I had lean PCOS. I got on medication. I'm now almost 13 weeks pregnant with a boy. So I'm glad that I followed my gut And then I got a different doctor who was willing to listen Willing to run tests And now as I approach the second trimester

I'm still terrified that something's going to happen And I'd love an intention just to set an intention rather To get through the stress of pregnancy I guess I told myself that Once I finally hit 12 weeks I'd feel great And I wouldn't worry anymore And I definitely feel a lot better than I ever have and I'm excited and happy, but I'm so terrified of something going wrong or something

coming up in the anatomy scan or having a difficult first labor. And I just love to hear from you if you have any recommendations. So thank you again. I look forward to this podcast every week. Really grateful for you both keep doing what you do. Thanks so much. All right. You can probably relate to some of this or the fear of this. Yeah. I think that this is like, well, It's interesting. I feel like people don't talk about miscarriage as like traumatic. But to me it's like, yeah, this was like a traumatic thing you went through. So of course like you're going to have like some lingering fears around that trauma.

Like if you had like, you know, I think about this a lot with like people who had a bad experience with a dog when they were little or something. Or like a dog snapped at them when they were like five and now they're kind of just like terrified of a bigger dog. I'd say. Yes. So to me it makes sense. Like you're protecting yourself. Totally. It's like, you know, trauma of any shape and size lives in your body.

And that's why I always talk about like getting in touch with your body because what happens is like your dog example, there was something that you saw, heard, smelled, et cetera, whatever it is. And then your body has taken a snapshot of all of the. that stuff and embedded it in your brain that's like if you feel this way, if you experience these sensations again, these sensory experiences, if that happens again, be cautious, be nervous, be on the lookout, look everywhere, make sure, you know, do all you're investigating because something bad might happen. And that's exactly what's happening here, where she was like,

had that experience, where she did get that phone call from the doctor or she did show up or she did go to the bathroom one day and see blood or whatever it was that happened, the worst thing that she was afraid of did happen. And it sounds like for her it happened a couple of times. So now her body is wired into thinking that she should be always on the lookout for that happening again. But the good news is that you can kind of help to rewire your brain in that way by disconnecting the association between the feeling and the thoughts. So right now she has, has that feeling of whether it's like butterflies in her stomach or, you know, even that association of like, okay, going to the bathroom and what's going to happen if I go to the bathroom or I feel

a little bit of wetness and like now I have to go check and what does that mean or just that whole association of just kind of trying to rewire. So every time that happens and you maybe feel a little bit of wetness and you go to the bathroom and nothing's there, making sure that you're like using that to rewire. Like how many times does the bad thing not happen also? Like how many times you have the fear and you go to the doctor and it's fine? Or I don't remember how long. I don't think she's feeling any movement yet.

I think she's 13 weeks. But like, you know, just realizing that, you know, rewiring that those associations have not meant the worst case scenario in this, you know, pregnancy. So kind of like making sure that you're rewiring. reprogramming the machine, the machine being your mind body. Every time that something positive does happen. And there does seem to be like a self-protective mechanism to like, well, if I think it's going to happen, maybe it like won't happen or if I think it's going to happen. I'm mentally preparing for if it does happen. Yes, totally. And I think there's that piece where it's like we are literally

like animals, right? And when we've had an experience that's been negative, the number one, purpose of our nervous system is to prevent bad things from happening. So her nervous system is telling her, look that up, Google that symptom, you know, check a million times, make another doctor's appointment, get another tat. Like that's all she can do to protect herself is like worry. And that's what she, that's what her mind is doing because it's the only resource that her mind, body can come up with to help her prevent, end quotes. prevent another pregnancy loss. It's really not preventing anything, but her body has tricked her

into thinking that that's going to prevent something because that's all that it can do. So I think recognizing it is a first great step to being like, okay, here's what's happening. And I think if you can notice those moments and use them to reprogram, you know, like when you notice that you're getting anxious, well, two things. Kind of like what we spoke about, I'll get to. I'll get to. to the noticing in a second. What we spoke about, you know, earlier with like kind of letting, you know, allowing those feelings of grief or loss and for this writer, allowing those feelings of fear to express themselves. So what I would recommend is like being honest with yourself about what you're afraid of, like writing it all down, like journaling or bullet points or

whatever. I'm afraid my baby won't have a heartbeat at the next visit. I'm afraid of stillbirth. I'm afraid of this. I'm afraid of that. Like just get it all out. Speak it out loud, which people are afraid superstitiously to do too. I think a lot of times. Like they don't want to say the thing out loud because you think it's going to like make it happen. But I think just getting it out of your head so it's not just swirling around in there,

I think is, like, owning what it is that you're afraid of. And then being like, okay, I know what I'm afraid of. Now I can just kind of like notice where that fear, lives in my body and breathe into that space of fear, whether it's in your stomach or in your chest or in your face, wherever it lives, kind of like breathing into it and letting it go, but, or like letting it pass through without resisting it. So I do think a lot of people have all the fears swirling around, but you like don't almost want to speak them out loud. So keeps them kind of stifled and unseen. Yeah, totally. I think that's a great,

you know great advice for when she's feeling it and even when she's not just to know like what to do I feel like just knowing what to do if it comes up makes it feel more relaxing and manageable in that way yeah so the what to do I think is just like grounding and like a lot of people I don't know if I've talked about this before but like grounding into your five senses so like and some people will use this like notice five things that you can see in this moment notice four things how they feel like touch four things and notice how those four different things feel notice three things you can hear notice two things you can smell notice one thing you can taste and that just kind of takes you out of your head and back into your body by like grounding in your

senses so that's something you can do if you start to notice that like your body your body's activated your mind is racing grounding yourself back into the moment which can be helpful. And just, you know, being good to yourself and like getting, you know, sunlight in the morning and getting positive energy and that type of thing. I did write an intention for her that she can use to kind of stay connected. Like pregnancy is this really kind of beautiful thing where like your mind, like the mind-body connection because the thing that you're worried about is actually like

a thing that's living inside of you. Inside you. Yeah. Yeah. Which is kind of crazy. but um so when she's triggered i wrote i will slowly breathe in gratitude for my body and this moment with my growing baby it's like in this moment you have your baby that's all you know right now i have this nourishing body i have this growing baby taking that breath and sending that breath

energy into your body, into your baby, and just being like, okay, in this moment, this baby is inside of me right now. And I'm just going to focus on that. Right. I like that. That's great. And I love the breath, like connecting, sending the breath to your baby and having gratitude for just this moment. Yeah. We'll talk about energy. Yeah. Right? Like, baby doesn't live without your life force, energy. Yes. So sending that breath that your baby's getting that breath. So, you know, send your baby that, that breath, that gratitude in that moment, even if you're six and a half weeks pregnant, you know, you can still be grateful for that moment that you're pregnant right now. Your baby is inside your body in that moment. It's a little bit easier at 13 weeks.

It's a little bit easier than that, probably at 25 weeks. And then, you know, but yeah, this isn't easy. But I think it is like we talked about at the beginning of the episode. It's going to shift and change. And then it's going to be like, oh, is my, you know, are they reaching the right miles? Yes. Are they, right. Yeah, never is going to end.

This person, are they talking at the right time? Are they misbehaving at preschool? My kids aren't getting good grades. Are they going to feel good about themselves? was this person, my daughter has a boyfriend that I don't like or my son has a girlfriend that's not treating him well or they're not driving safely in the car. It's like going to be never ending. If you don't notice it, allow your fear to have a voice. I think that's the other thing. Like you have to let our emotions need to be seen. And that's what I think the step that a lot of

people skip is like, this is uncomfortable. I don't like the way this feels. So I'm going to just talk myself out of it before doing the step of like letting your emotions. have their voice. Right. I'm afraid that. And say it out loud or write it in a journal or tell it to somebody. And then you can do the part we're like, okay, I let it out. I'm recognizing what it is.

And now I can kind of ground into my senses, breathe, give my baby my breath, all those things. But I think first have to recognize what it is that's going on. Thanks for writing in again. Yeah, thanks for the update. Please give us another one. Yeah, let us know how this goes soon. All right, let's do some triggers.

I will read the first one. I like this one. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. My husband and I recently had our first baby, and shockingly, he's a redhead. Neither my husband or I are redheads, and it was a complete surprise to everyone. For those first couple of months, we were both good-spirited about all the comments. Everyone from strangers to close friends and family say everything from a redhead. Where did that come from?

to, are you sure that's your baby? It doesn't help that my husband's best friend is a redhead, and we've also gotten many pointed comments around that. I'm sure his wife is getting tired of those two. As time goes on, they are starting to become more triggering. We did not have an easy time getting pregnant and had to have medical intervention, which many of our close friends and family,

which many of our close friends and family are aware of. I think we're both generally good-natured, but I find the comments where people are questioning his paternity, especially triggering. Am I taking it too personally? How triggered should I be? And how can I respond to let people know the joke has gone too far without losing my cool? Looking forward to hearing your perspective, not the mailman's baby.

Yeah. I think any, I think there's a lot of versions of this story where somebody has something that's very observable to outside and everyone keeps making like the same joke. Joke. I could see this being very annoying after a while where it's like, okay, the first couple a time like, oh, that's funny, but it's like, I do wish, and we can brainstorm some ways that you can let someone know, I've heard this joke a thousand times, like, almost like, oh, that's a good one, never heard that one before, you know, like I think some people have to

use that sometimes with other circumstances. I was thinking that exact phrase of like, wow, never heard that one before. Right. which is kind of a snide way of saying like be self-aware like you're not the first person to make this joke and it's getting annoying yeah it's tough because I feel like it's a joke I would make yeah you're the problem do you know what I mean like it's just kind of like oh like you've got feel like you have to comment on something or say some people just sometimes feel like they need to say something right well you know what I think it is to make this listener feel better to like hate

dumb people a little bit if that makes you feel better. It's like it makes them feel witty. Like it makes them feel like they just thought of a really funny joke. But like it's the most obvious joke that everyone's making. But for that split second, they're like, oh my God, I have a really funny thing that I could say about this. And then it's like, yeah, it reminds me of like when you wear ripped jeans around like an older man. Right. Do you wear, oh. Would you pay extra for those? Yeah. Like, you get mauled by a cat or something. It's kind of like, you just know they're going to make a comment about it.

Right. Totally. Because they think they're funny. Right. Yeah, it's just them trying to, you know, be funny. But it is annoying after a while, especially because it's like this paternity issue, which like nobody really wants to hear that over and over again. So, yeah, if you want to go the snide way, you can go, oh, never heard that one before,

you know, and that would shut it down probably. Or like people that have a weird name that somebody makes fun of. Like I feel like that happens a lot where people make the same joke over and over again. The other option if you want to be more vulnerable is to be like to be honest, everyone keeps saying that and it's starting to become hurtful if you really want to like bring the whole thing down. Yeah, you could say especially if it's like if it's a close friend who's making it. I would say the closer you are, the more you can say that. Right.

To be honest, I've heard this joke. I've heard that joke about a thousand times and it's starting to. wear on me, which is so true. The annoying thing is that it's kind of like anyone you come in. It's not like jeans where you can take them off. Right. So it's sort of like anyone you come into contact with feels the need to say something, even if like they're a stranger.

Right. Probably. So it kind of can feel like, oh, I'm just going to say that to every single person that I see for the rest of this kid's life. Right. Totally. So I do think the first, you know, line of defense is you just realizing what this is not letting it bother you. But if you can't, then I think you can move to its step two, which is,

you know, let people know that it's annoying. But there is almost like when you see a baby, it's like you kind of want to, I think some of this, the paternity stuff I could see is extra annoying, but if people are just like, oh my God, a redhead, where did that come from? Right. Is more of like a endearing, curious, like just making conversation kind of comment. the comment about the baby belonging to his best friend that's a little bit more of like okay when you make that comment now you deserve a smackdown right I agree yeah but if they're just like it's kind of like when you walk into someone's like new house and you're like just trying to make like you know show that you're observing yes totally or like you know people make comments which

you know like sometimes I forget someone's baby the other day I saw you know it was so cute and I was like oh my god those cheeks are so chubby and like I'm just thinking that I'm being like making a comment about how cute it is but maybe they're insecure about that and they don't like that kind you know like you never know what people are going to like or not like so it's hard yeah that's what I mean that's why it's like if you can get over the trigger it on your own you can like manage to not be bothered by it because you because you've heard it so many times that might almost be the easier way to go I think the ones that are like oh my god the redhead where did that come from I think those ones you could just kind of be like all right you know like

They don't mean anything by it. When people start trying to be funny at the expense of perhaps bringing up something that might be annoying, that's when I think I'd give you more permission on that one to give either the snide comment. I agree. And give them a little smack back. But where did that come from? I'd give like a three. Yeah.

The paternity thing, I'd give like a six. Yeah. I could agree with that. And I even would bring like I feel like when you like she said the paternity thing it might have been like a three the first two times she heard it. But now that it's constant, it's got to be creeping up to like a six or seven. It's like I can't bring this kid anywhere without hearing comments. Like after a while it makes you not want to leave the house. I agree.

Well, good luck. Yeah, thanks for that. Die his hair. Oh, leave his hair. I bet he's so cute. I wish I had, I actually, when I saw this, I was like, I want a picture of this little cutie. I bet he's adorable. If you're listening, send a pick.

Yes. All right. Let's do another triggered. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. Love you guys so much. Thanks for all you do. I have a triggering situation that happened about a month ago, but I'm still bothered by it. I'm 28 female dating a lot and mostly have a great time.

I travel a lot for work between New York and London. And I'm aware that sometimes I use the travel and other past experiences to keep. a lot of people loosely in the dating pool and not commit to anyone. The other day, the day before I was leaving for a three-week work trip to London, I got a brunch with my friend and was telling him that I might end things with the guy I'm currently seeing. I wasn't feeling super attracted to him anymore and I didn't want to keep him on the hook during my three-week work trip. My friend, newly engaged, reacted in a big way. To paraphrase, he said, name, you really shouldn't. Here's the truth, all the men with secure attachment style in New York are already coupled up.

If you don't find someone and commit to them soon, you're going to have to wait until your mid-30s when all the secure men are divorced. Shortly, the only men still on the market will be avoided. So you really need to just make it work with this guy or someone else ASAP. At the time, I was so in shock that I didn't really react. About 24 hours later, I was with another friend and finally digested what this friend said. my friend confirmed that this statement was A, insulting, B, triggering, C, kind of insane, I think. This person is a close friend of mine and I'm in his wedding next spring, so I hope to get over this soon.

What do you two think? This is an interesting case of very unsolicited advice. Oh, my gosh. Don't even listen to anything he said. This is ridiculous. I don't know. I mean. If they're right.

If he was a real friend and he noticed a pattern maybe of you dating, which he thought, was potentially harmful. And you were complaining about maybe being single or something like that. He could offer advice in a much more gentle, much more less like fearmongering and less insulting way than this. Yeah. I mean, it's one thing to even offer advice or say, you know, I think that you're not giving people enough of a chance, which is like what the other listener was saying, that people

are always telling her that she's like doing something wrong in dating. And I think single people get that a lot where people that are partnered like want to diagnose the reason why they're still single, like what it is that they're doing wrong that's making them still single, which is very annoying. But this isn't even that. This is a step further where he's saying that at the age of 28 that all of the securely attached men in New York are coupled. Like that's nonsense. Not true. Yeah. Nonsense.

I mean, a lot of guys don't, aren't even like looking for a real relationship until they're, you know, around that 28, 29, 30. So like, just don't even look. This is. Yeah. I mean, to me, it was sort of, it seems like it's like a projection of maybe something that he went through where he felt he was projected for being like a secure. I mean, he's engaged at seemingly 28 if they're the same age.

So maybe he is projecting his own issues. with women that he found that, you know, maybe they were not appreciating his secure attachment. Right. Something. This definitely seems like something that might be a him issue and him diagnosing all of the men in New York over the age of 28 is absurd. So I could see why this is triggering, but it's also so ridiculous that like it's not even about you. It's like him just making a blanket its statement about all of the men in New York, which is ridiculous. Crazy. Yeah.

Like, I'm sure if you looked up a stat of like the average age that men get married in New York, it's probably like 35 or something. Yeah. So there are eligible, securely attached men out there that are interested in being in a relationship and getting married and having kids and doing all the things. Hogwash. as they say I'd give this like a six and a half seven

yeah I mean it's very triggering because it's just like so ridiculous but I think you should just tell him that statement was so irritating it's living in my brain for some reason but I know it's not true and I know that you're right like why are you trying to scare me right unnecessarily right maybe he just like wants maybe oh maybe that's it maybe he's like gotten engaged very young and he like feels like he needs other people to be doing that with him so he doesn't feel like he's missing out on like his single life. Yeah, it seems to be about him. Like everyone's getting married right now.

Like not really. Right. Totally. That maybe that's probably the issue where maybe he's feeling like a little confined and like perhaps even jealous that she's like dating this one and dating that one and like holding having fun, having fun like not taking it too seriously like holding some guys on the back burner, probably isn't the nicest thing to do. And she was trying to do the right thing by cutting this guy loose without having him wait three weeks for her to get home for a date.

So I think you're handling yourself well. Maybe he's a little jealous of your single life. I don't know, but yeah. I agree. What would you give it? Given all of that and like how obvious it's starting to appear, I would give it like more of a five. All right.

Fine. I'll come down to a six. All right. That's it for us. That's it. Right in with your updates. All right. Now, we love updates. I'd love a picture of the baby. We'll just keep it for ourselves and we'll say all the cutest, kindest things and we'll not talk about his red hair. All right.

That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales Picoe, and Rebecca Sousel McHan. Editing by Vassilio Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Friedlander. Send your advice emails to Oversharing at betches.com. We'll leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Thank you.