Oversharing - How To Deal With A Jealous Family Member

Episode Date: March 28, 2023

What are you supposed to do when a family member gets jealous of quality time spent without them? Jordana and Dr. Naomi start the show with an email from a listener whose mom inevitably gets jealous whenever she spends time with the in-laws. Then another listener writes in with a Betchicist story about her husband hiding a major health issue from her for over fourteen months. What does it say about your relationship if you can’t be honest with your partner about something as important as your health? This week’s intention-setting exercise is all about trying to find consistency and establish good habits in your daily life. Is it possible to “skip” your goals and still make progress? Finally, the triggered submissions include a couple’s fight over splitting the bill, and a new friend who doesn’t include you in other plans. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How's it going?

How's your weekend? It's going. Great. Coming back from a fun-filled, very busy weekend. But that's always good. That's good. I feel like, well, I always think it's nice to have one night on, one night off. So true. Yeah, that is true. By last night, I was like, okay, I need like some peace and quiet here, but it was fun. So Friday night, we went to see Jeff's band. So he has, so for those of you, the listeners, Jordana knows Jeff, my husband's a musician. And you, when he, when we were in New York, you always saw his original stuff. So he has,

He writes beautiful original music. He wrote me this amazing love song when we first got together. I remember. Like the sweetest. He's so talented. Yeah, he is such a great voice and he's had, I've seen him perform over the years, especially when you guys lived in New York. But I was really excited to hear about his new band.

Yeah, so the new stuff, so basically original music, it's really hard to get people to listen to original music, even though I think it's awesome. If you want to check it out, It's Jeff Bernstein on Spotify, and you can check out his album, The Great Unknown. There's songs for our kids on there. There's a song for me on there. It's just really sweet, emotional music, but it's really hard to get people to listen to

original. So he started a tribute band, a YouTube band called Pride in the Name of You Two. And we went and watched their very first show ever on St. Patty's Day. It was like in this big open pavilion square and the kids. kids were playing, you know, they had all stuff for the kids to do, so they're running around, playing, you know, football and playing with their friends, and he's performing on stage, and it was just, he sounds just like Bono. I don't know if you're familiar with you, too. Do you ever listen to you too? Yeah. I know, like, the main songs. Yeah, so there are few big,

yeah, we're a beautiful day. Yes, right. There's some good ones. There's really, I mean, I love the music, and the music is very spiritual, too, so it's like, it really does kind of line up with some of what we talk about on here in terms of like coming back to something like a guiding. Bono is pretty religious, you know, but you can't tell the music, but if you listen to the message, it's, it's in there,

but it's just sort of like coming back to something outside of yourself. But he sounds, he's always had a talent for mimicry, like, you know, like he does people, which is very funny. Like he'll do your,

you know, he'll do like Uncle Freddy or he'll do like, you know, whoever. And it's like to a, T. So he, in his music, he mimics these artists and he, and he does a great job with Bono and just the passion. So that was just so, it's really nice to watch the person you love just doing their thing, you know? Yeah. It's very sexy. It's very like, wow, you're in the zone. You're

doing your thing. You're like, you know, just exuding your whole soul. So I love watching that. And then the kids being there at the same time, it was just a blast. Totally agree. I think live music, is really transformative, especially when it's like really good. So that's awesome. I hope I can see him again one day. And even though I don't one day when I'm in town. Totally. Totally.

But no, I totally agree. I mean, it's funny on you up. We'd get like it, I agree with like seeing your partner like in their element. Um, with what they love to do is very hot. It's funny because Mike's an accountant.

So I'm like, in those spreadsheets. Just like calculating the sums. when we're like doing our wedding budget. I'm like he's like moving things around. Right. Which is not the same. I would say not the same level of sexiness as band lead singer.

Right. But I see what you mean. Like he knows, I feel like he's got it taking care of. He knows what he's doing. That's exciting. Totally. But we would have sometimes these red flag or deal breakers on you up and what some of them would be like he plays the guitar like like red flagger deal breaker like he plays the guitar.

like red flag or did you're like he please parts playing the guitar for you and he's like not good or like someone shows you their passion and it's not and you're like that doesn't sound that great yeah that's the opposite effect totally totally that's so funny i never thought about that i don't know um i guess they could get there one day um but yeah that is an interesting red but this was like the whatever that is, this was the opposite. It's like the passion, but it was just so good. And I agree what you said about live music. Sometimes I sit back, you know, and I have these mindful moments in live music and I'm watching other people enjoying it. And I could tell it's like they're not in their head. They're not thinking about their to do list. Like the way people just want to dance and move

their bodies. And, you know, it's just like you're in your body, which is kind of the whole point. If you can get in your body and out of your head, that's a great place to exist. So live music does that, which is awesome. Definitely agree, especially if they're really good. I mean, that was like the one thing I wasn't sure about for my wedding. We wound up having a DJ because it was like in Mexico and you also had a destination wedding. So I feel like it was the same thing. But there's like a good band at a wedding.

It like completely transform the entire vibe. But I think a mediocre band is worth. the no band. Right. Totally. Totally. And the really good bands are really expensive. So I could see why people, you know, don't go that route.

But yeah, it's like the whole room. It's like one big community kind of thing. It's like a whole kumbaya vibe when you have a really good band. But yeah, so that was just, that kicked off the weekend on Friday night. And it was just a blast. So if anyone wants to hear any of the music or if you happen to live in the Dallas area, and you want to check them out, you can go to Facebook and find Pride in the name of you too. You'll see all the videos from Friday night. It was really, really fun.

Get your chance to see Jeff in person and Dr. Naomi, perhaps. Oh, I don't know if I am. Oh, at the show, yeah. I'm not in any of the videos. For sure, I am like fan girl. It's kind of embarrassing. Like, everybody comes up to me and they're like, is that your husband? I'm like, how did you know? If you see a lunatic throwing her bra on stage at a live show, that's going to be someone's therapist. But I just, it's so true.

I just love it. It's a great part of our relationship is getting to, you know, enjoy that with him. Like you said, if it's accounting, the only time you're going to enjoy it with him is when he's doing the accounting for your wedding or like for your household or, like, for your household or, for something that kind of like you can enjoy as well. Yeah, no, I agree. You can watch them enjoy a bowl of fruity pebbles passionately. Just as hot, totally. Heart disease.

But let's get into our episode today. And guys, check it out. Check out the band. And again, if you're in the Dallas area, you can go for yourselves. And let's get started. If you have an email that you want to send in, you can email oversharing at betches.com or if you'd rather leave a voice note, you can leave, or a voicemail rather, you can call 646363-6294.

Leave us a voicemail. Love those. I haven't gotten a great one in a while. So if you guys want to send one in, I always think they add a little more context. You hear it in people's voices. And also, just a little reminder to rate, review, and subscribe to the podcast. podcast. You can review the podcast on Apple Podcasts, or give it five stars on Apple or Spotify, and read all the reviews and always appreciate them. They're always so nice. And yeah,

I would love if you guys do that. It's the best way in my mind to support the show, besides, of course, buying the products from our amazing sponsors. Get into it. Should I read the first email? Yeah, go for it. Okay. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I have been with my fiance for five years. He loves my family and I love his. I'm an only child, so his family has been kind enough to include mine on trips, holidays, and events. The only issue is anytime we have to do something with his family where mine is not included, like extended family member's wedding or a vacation, my mom gets insanely jealous. She won't talk to me for a couple of days and when she finally does, it's usually short and passive aggressive. And then when we're at the event, she will usually send

me a long text about getting things done or be mean saying I don't have my life together or need to be more on top of my responsibilities. This is very clearly trying to ruin my time with his family. She has been doing this since the first time I went out to visit them five years ago. When I tell her that she shouldn't be upset or angry when I'm with them, she just tells me she's not and that these mean and stressful texts just happened to need to be sent at that time. So if you have any advice on how to deal with this, is it normal that my mom is so jealous and X out. Should I have another discussion with her? I also don't want this to impact my

relationship with my future husband's family. I've had to walk away from the table before in tears due to some of my mom's rage texts. I've been upset and withdrawn when this happens. So any advice or insight would be super helpful. The rage text receiver. Oh, yeah, this is, I think this is one where she could start off leaning in. The mother's obviously having some insecurities, or she's feeling left out. My take on this is you lean in. She tried, but I think she tried more like addressing the abusive,

emotionally abusive behavior. And it sounds like her mom is just like not admitting, like not, she's denying that she's even upset about it. Right. Right. Which is sort of the most annoying response. Most annoying.

So annoying. Like a gaslighty thing. Right. I totally agree because I'm sure that this listener's spot on and she is feeling all these things. So my initial would be if you can outside of when she's not triggered or activated, because that also might be what's happening. She's addressing it in the moment when the mom is heated.

And she's kind of like, nope, I'm fine. I don't know what you're talking about. Everything's okay. But I think if she addressed it like at a random time and just said, I know it must be hard, you know, when I go on these vacations or, you know, I just wanted to check in and see if there's something that you're feeling and secure about and just reassure her. I love you so much. And, you know, his family will never replace our family and, you know, something that you could say to make her not feel like

you're loving their family more than your own family or there's something there. If you could just start off with trying to reassure her and lean in with some kindness. And then you have to lay the hammer down after that. Like if the behavior continues. That doesn't work. Yes. If the behavior continues after you try to just comfort her and say, no matter how much time I spend with them, you're always my mother. Say something true, whatever it is. Like, I always prefer spending time with you guys. You know, I know you so well. I'm so comfortable around you.

Something that could make her feel better. But then after that, I think this calls for a good, just, you know, ignore. Don't even open it. Don't even read it. Kind of serious boundary if it continues. I don't know. What do you think? Yeah. I mean, yeah, I agree with that initial approach.

It sounds like her mom might not be that receptive or doesn't really have the self-awareness or care enough to like really be changing her ways or thinking about it from your perspective. And I also find the older people are, the less they're likely to magically transform into doing different things than they've done for this amount of time. Like sometimes I feel like someone in there, if they haven't seen a therapist or changed after their 20s, it's too late for them. I don't want to say that because to you as a therapist. Right.

But sometimes it's kind of like the older someone gets where they keep doing this kind of toxic stuff, the more to change would be to almost admit that a huge part of their life was spent being this kind of toxic person and doing all these toxic things. And that is almost more unbearable than the idea of being able to change and have a more pleasant life. Totally agree. That's why I'm a big fan of finding ways to remove your ego because your ego gets wrapped up in it. Your whole identity gets wrapped up around this persona that you've created. And the idea of changing that feels like, well, now I have to change who I am.

And I like who I am. And I don't want to change who I am. So that's why we need to give these people a nice dose of psilocybin, some ketamine, remove the ego, allow them to see a new pathway, no, under the care of a licensed. Of a licensed physician. Licensed physician and, you know, psychotherapist. I mean, however, I do think, or there's other ways that you could just be inspired to remove ego, but getting the inspiration to move beyond exactly what you're describing

is this entrenched storyline of your life where this is, you know, how you are and this is how you act and you're proud of it and you like it because you're clinging. to that ego. So I agree with you that it's hard, but I think for the listener's perspective, and I always love this in all types of interpersonal relationships, even if she's 99% sure this mother's not going to change, it can make her feel better about setting really firm boundaries if she's kind of like, I've approached her with kindness, I've come to her with love, I've tried this in a tender and soft way, it didn't work, and now I can give myself permission to set my boundaries wherever they need to be. And when she's away with her husband's family,

she can just not answer her text until she gets back if she doesn't want to be crying at the dinner table. And calm herself by saying, I've tried to address this. I've tried to be kind and open a dialogue. If she's shutting down the dialogue, then I'm, you know, I feel better about shutting down the dialogue when it's, you know, healthy for me to shut down the dialogue. I agree. And this kind of situation is so difficult because it's her mom. So it's like, you have to think if this was, if let's say we changed this email and it was like, my boyfriend gets really upset when I spend any time with my friends. And when I spend when I go and I hang out with my friends, I get dinner with my friends, he starts texting me like rage texting me crazy things and saying all these,

bringing up all these issues that I have and making me really upset and trying to ruin my time with them. You'd be like, that person is abusive and you should break up with them. Yes. But it's hard to say, oh, you should break up with, you should never speak to your mom again because that's your mom. Right. So this is a tougher situation than that in a lot of ways because it feels, it feels somehow, I feel like societally, it feels more okay to accept crazy behavior from family members rather than significant others because it seems like you intrinsically owe them more like they're your mother. Right. There's like a caretaking responsibility in some way there, right? Yeah.

And I think that's really hard to manage because there's so, because there's unlike with the boyfriend where you could break up with them and never see them again and they're out of your life, this is not really something that most people can or even want to do with a family member that they otherwise think is pretty great. So I would, I think your advice is great. I would say,

ignoring is hard. Because it's hard to not like, even if you ignore, even if looking can kind of make you feel upset. Right. Then you want to read it. Yeah. I would say to her, if you can't stop doing that, when I go on these trips, I'm going to block you. I'll unblock you when I get back. But I don't even want to see these. I know that you're going to send me these kinds of messages. I don't want to see them. That ruins my time. It makes me upset. So I'm going to block you and I'm going to unblock you later. And if you that's not something that you are okay with, then you're going to have to change the way you text me. Amen. I love that. 100%. Start like, so I think. So I think,

that's that if anybody wants a little handbook. It's kind of like lean in with tenderness, see if you could get the person to open up with some vulnerability and you can sue them, aka addressing the underlying issue, which will hopefully, you know, address the symptomatic behavior of rage texting you. And your next step is, okay, either you're open to that conversation or not. Next step is exactly what you said. Now I'm going to set boundaries. I don't want to receive any of these texts when I'm away with my husband's family. So if that doesn't, you know, you could give it one more shot, see if she does it, let her know where you feel, where you stand. And if she doesn't, you know, if she doesn't respect that, then I agree with you.

I'm going to, you know, you weren't able to respect that next time I'm doing this. I'm going to have to block you. I'll unblock you. I love you. I have, you know, so I'm never going to speak to you again, but I just need to set this boundary because it's really hard for me to be receiving this. And I've asked you to stop. And I've tried to open up dialogue and address your feelings. So at that point, she can skate away free and clear knowing that she doesn't need to be continuously disrespected and shut down and then keep receiving abusive messages on the other end. So I like that. Agreed. I think this is your best bet. Let us know how this goes. Yeah, I would love to hear about this.

Do you a Betcha's this? Yeah, let's do it. I'll read this one. Hi, Trudana and Dr. Naomi. Love the podcast. I listen every week. This is a long email, but please, please, please answer because I really need some guidance. I'm 30 years old.

Here you go, the moment you've been waiting for. I'm 30 years old and have been married to my husband, 43, for four years. We've been together a total of eight years, so we've been going through a lot together. We have a one-year-old daughter, three dogs, decent home, both have great careers and overall great life together. I thought our relationship was so strong until three weeks ago when he ended up in the hospital. Somewhere around February 20th, he started getting sick, throwing up, fever, just feeling bad overall. We thought he had a stomach bug. He started staying in our upstairs spare bedroom and didn't want myself for the baby to get sick. Fast forward to February 26, 6 a.m.,

I wake up and look at my phone and see 19 notifications. from my husband. I call him and he says his leg is swollen and he thinks he has a blood clot and needs an ambulance. He used to be very heavy before I met him and he had a blood clot in the past and was hospitalized for it. So I scoop up my daughter who's still sleeping, run upstairs and see his leg is huge. He always wears long compression socks due to the history of blood clots so he had socks on. I asked him if he wanted me to cut the sock off and he kind of freaked out and said no. Eventually we call an ambulance and he's admitted to the hospital. As I'm getting ready to go to the hospital, I get a message from him of a picture of his legs, Sand Sock. He had a huge, deep wound near his ankle, and the

message said, just so you're not surprised. Surprise. Sorry to laugh, but my mind was blown because I've worked in health care many years, and I knew the wound was so bad. It was not even fairly new. I knew it was at least six months old. So I rushed to the hospital with my daughter. I get to his room and the first thing I asked him is how old the wound is and I said, don't lie. He said it started as a small sore sometime around the end of my pregnancy. Our daughter is 14 months old.

It turned out he was so sick because he was becoming septic. I always knew he had anxiety about going to the doctor, but I never knew how bad it was. He received IV antibiotics for a week in the hospital. They ran a bunch of tests and it turns out he's as healthy as a horse other than the wound and infection. He's home and healing fine now, just still needs a walker to get around. Here's my dilemma. The whole situation feels very similar to being cheated on. The feeling of betrayal, shame for not knowing, and also deception. Last summer, I remember him freaking out because I thought he should get in the pool at a pool party because it was our daughter's first swim,

and he made me feel bad for trying to make him swim. Then I also remember asking for a pool and him shutting me down swiftly and not even willing to negotiate. I also wanted to go. I also wanted to go on a beach vacation last year and even mentioning it ended up in us arguing. So now I know why. He's always worn long socks around the house and never really shows his feet, so I never thought twice about him wearing socks all the time. I look at a picture of us from the past year and I can't even look at him because now I know he was hiding a literal, dirty little secret. I've tried to talk to him about how I feel and even how it's affecting me still now. I tell him it feels like I've been cheated on and haven't gotten a proper apology. He said the words,

sorry many times, but that doesn't feel like enough for me, and I don't know what will be enough. I'm having to act as a single parent taking care of the dogs, housework, laundry, cooking, doing absolutely everything for our daughter, dropping her off at daycare, having to adjust my work schedule to pick her up before daycare closes because that was his job before all of this. Then the cherry on top of the shit cake is me having to cater to him, carrying all his meals to him in bed because he's still on bed rest. Your advice is very much needed. Sincerely, I'm getting a fucking pool this year. Like, that's like it's all about the pool.

This was an interesting one. Thanks for reading it. It was quite long. Yeah. My initial thought was like, I definitely don't think it's as bad. This is just me judging it. I don't think it's as bad as cheating. I don't think it was like, it doesn't seem like a betrayal of like, I mean, I guess it's

a betrayal of like a lie by omission. But it doesn't see, to me, it doesn't seem to have quite the same buzz as it does to her, but maybe there's something else within their relationship that makes it feel that way. I feel like to me, he was clearly like either very embarrassed or kind of avoidant. Like this is very clearly a him issue. For sure. That he didn't, I don't think that he thought at all that she would probably feel like betrayed by that.

Maybe he, I mean, maybe he did because he, I guess the biggest question that she doesn't really address here is why did he hide it? Right. Have they discussed why he felt the need to hide this from her? Right. And when she says what is going to be enough, like I know he, and I love that she says he keeps saying the word, sorry, which I think she feels like is just a word. So I think what would make her feel like it's enough is when he opens up and like we

talked about kind of cleans out the emotional wound that he's experiencing that's not allowing her to feel connected to him. So yeah, he needs to open up to her and tell her why he couldn't tell her, why he's so shameful. I think it sounds like he's like 13 years older than her. He had this major health issue before he probably feels like he has to pretend to be, you know, healthy for her and maybe feel shame in, you know, his health condition and aging and her being so much younger than him. So I think that this is something that they really need to hash out, whatever that is. And he, you know, I do kind of get the cheating comparison in some ways.

There's not this like, she's sexier than me, she's prettier than me. There's not like another object that's like, you know, you can feel insecure about. But I see what she's saying, like all these little lies of like he probably made her feel like a brat for wanting a pool or like shut her down for the vacation. And it's kind of like, oh, so when you said you were staying late at work, you were really with this woman. It's like when you said you didn't want to, you hate the beach, it was really, you know, it was like just a bunch of little lies that feel like how, you know, what else did you lie to me about? Like how many moments did we have where I was made to feel crazy because you are hiding something. I guess, and when you say it like that, I think that makes a lot more

sense. I guess the only difference that makes it not as bad in my mind is like with the cheating, like if you cheat on someone and then you tell them right away, it's still not okay. But like, if you have a sore on your leg and you tell your wife, like, that shouldn't be something that someone would be mad at you about. Right. So that almost makes it worse. It's kind of like you had no reason not to tell me this. Like this was easy enough to. To me, it's more like the reason he didn't tell you is clearly like a fear of he's either scared of um it almost seems like i don't want to say adhering because that's like not the right word at all um but he's kind of like there's clearly like a fear that either you're going to be mad at him for having this or you're going to think less of him

like to me it screams of such an internal insecurity about around the reason that he didn't i agree if it's like it's messed up if he was like being really if he was if he was if he was using this lie and still enacting kind of rude to you when you wanted him to do completely normal things and make you feel bad about asking him to do that. I agree that's really shitty and messed up. But I guess the difference to me is the actual act itself, like the cover up. The thing that he's covering up is kind of benign. Right. Right. By nature thing. Like having a sore or whatever is not, you know, something that, I hear what you're saying. I mean, look, my advice to her would be similar to the one,

with the mother, which is like I would start off, even though you're feeling really angry and I would do it when you're having calm body. Because I get that feeling of like, now you're picking up the pieces for a mess that he's created, which feels really, really frustrating. So I can validate that 100%. But when you're in a moment of feeling some warmth and kindness, I would do the same thing that I told the other listener to do with the mother, which is lean in with tenderness around the insecurity. And, and be able to say, look, I love you so much. I don't want you to have to go through this alone. I want to feel connected to you. That's part of marriage is that, you know, I want to be able to take care of you, but it's really hard for me now to take care of you when you shut me out this whole time

and now this problem has made so much worse. But like, I really want to love you and take care of you. And I want to know, is there something that I'm doing that's making you feel like you have to hide this for me? because maybe there is something that she's doing that's like making him feel badly for being sick or badly about being heavy or, you know, I don't know, something. Yeah. I think that's a big part of it, like exactly what you said.

She has to, if she's going to go into that conversation, she has to be receptive to hear that to valid, I don't know about to validate, but at least to hear out and sort of look inwardly about maybe the way that she does respond to. And I'm not saying it's her fault or she even does this. We have no idea what she's like. But if he did in the past, if he's brought you any other sort of physical ailments, like what is your response?

Do you get extremely anxious? And like, are you willing to sort of look inwardly and potentially own some part in a reason someone might not tell anything? And again, I'm not saying like victim blame or blame the person who's been lied to. Yes. Yes. But there is something like, well, the last, you know, when I had, when I had this other thing, you kind of, um, you made it into this big thing and it made me feel that. Or I've heard you make a comment about how, you know, this other, you hate taking care

of people or the, I don't know what, again, I don't know what the thing was. But clearly there's some reason why someone would hide that from their wife of eight, or their partner of eight years. Right. I have a hunch, and I've seen this before, where it might be because he had this health scare, and she mentioned in the email that he's afraid of doctors. So I think what, and I've seen this many times where he might bring up something that's wrong with him, and she might say, you have to go to the doctor, you have to get it checked out.

You have to, and he's kind of instead of saying to her, I'm really anxious about that. Like, I don't want to have enough to, you know, find something else that's wrong with me. I'm really anxious about going. And that might be her moment. And I've seen this a lot where you're like, well, get over it. You have to go. Just go to the doctor. Like it's not a big deal.

Like not really validating that anxiety and maybe opening up a dialogue for him to talk about his feelings about his prior health scare. That's a big deal at the age of whatever he was in his 30s. I assume having a blood clot like and, you know, having it's kind of a life-threatening thing. So he may have some feelings around that whole issue that may. that maybe she can open up dialogue about so that instead of yelling at him for not going to the doctor, which is maybe what part of why he didn't tell her, I don't know, that's a total guess, to kind of lean in and say, I know you're anxious, do you want me to come with you,

just leaning in in a way that might make him feel like he can at least talk to her about these things instead of just dealing with it entirely by himself. Right. It might have nothing to do with her, like you said. It might just be his own fear of these doctors. Totally. But the flip side is if you try this and it doesn't work and he's just like shutting you out and not willing to talk about it.

And I think you have to at that point, you really need to take a strong position that you guys need some kind of couples therapy. because if he's hiding this from you for so long, there's a huge disconnection. And that's what I think is hurting her. It's just the major disconnect that they're having. And I don't think that that's something that they can ignore and just move forward with a, sorry, I won't, you know, do that again. Especially because it was 14 months of lying and covering up.

That's a long time. It's not like, oh, I, you know, broke my pinky toe and then it just got better by itself. I never mentioned it to you, you know? Yeah, well, maybe in the beginning he thought, okay, maybe it'll just like heal on its own. I don't need to make a big thing of it. It's like a sore. And then it kept getting bigger. And then he was like, oh, I'm already like in it too late.

Like I've already not said anything. And then it became this thing that was like literally eating away at him. Right, right. Growing like the lie is growing, the soar is growing. And then he's. So I can sort of see. how it could happen. That's why I'm kind of like, he doesn't seem as, this was about cheating.

I just, I don't, it doesn't seem like as big of a monster because it seems like it's something that was happening to him that he didn't know how to deal with rather than something that he went out and did. Yes. But, and again, not to invalidate what she's saying. And I agree with you.

They should probably go to couples therapy about like, the way that he handles, um, stressful situations, which it sounds like is to just like sort of deny them or just pretend that they don't exist. Right. Right.

Um, which might be a big. a bigger issue in their relationship, I would imagine. Right. The communication. Hopefully he'll just, you know, see this as a wake-up call. Like, I need to, you know, trust my wife and be, you know, work towards an increased connection with her.

That's the biggest issue here. So hopefully that works. But I do think you can't push this one under the rug. I agree. She's not going to feel better with his just saying, sorry if he never opens up to her about what's really going on with his, you know, fears and shame about his health conditions. condition. That's, you know, and that could be, that could be resolved in one big, long conversation one night, you know, in bed. I don't think they necessarily need to do couples

counseling if he's willing to go there. Yeah. And it might make you feel closer than you were even before this whole thing. Totally. It could be a good thing for you guys. For sure. You go get that pool. You deserve it. She's probably just making it all that. And now I'm getting, like, when she's like serving him meals like here are the blueprints call the contractor let's do it all right I'll read it hi dear dr. nomeni thank you so much for oversharing the podcast I never knew I needed but now I can't imagine how I did without before love that keep up the awesome work I'm writing in because I would like to work on an intention for myself re Dr. Naomi's appeal for listeners to write in the other week I have always had trouble with schedules and by a larger extent consistency.

I recently turned 29 and this is the time slash age where I see friends and colleagues start to become adults, quote unquote, i.e. take on more responsibility, whether it's starting a family, planning a wedding, running a marathon, or they get promoted at work and are now running a team or starting a business. Any number of examples come to mind and I am at the other end wondering how the hell they did it. The ironic part is that I know how they did it because I asked them, LOL. The common denominator is that they had a measure of discipline to consistently work towards a goal they had, and I know that in my life this has been a challenge for me. I have read atomic habits. I know that scheduling your time is actually a way of freeing your mind of the anxiety that results

from procrastination or the avoidance of things that will make you uncomfortable and will make me feel more in control of what I can control, et cetera. But I still struggle to be consistent once I start a goal. And it affects goals small and large in my life. As another example, Jordana mentioned on the November 22nd episode that she started meditating and did it for five days in a row. Took a break over the weekend and hopes to keep it up going forward. That is the type of thing I do, but the keep it up part returning after a breakup is tough. I'm sorry, returning after a break is tough. I will start yoga and will go for two weeks, try to go slow so it was not to overwhelm or go too hard, hard, too fast, eventually become awesome,

and as soon as I feel good, I hear a voice say, oh, great, that you did all that. You deserve to take a break. And then when I do, I actually just stop. It feels like when I give myself permission to relax, I take it to the extreme. I'm either motivated or not, and I don't mean that I don't need a break, but where is the balance? This pattern emerges when it comes to larger things, like job searching or even remembering to call my mom. I would love an intention to have for when, when the motivation isn't there. When that voice comes up and I feel tempted to stop, when I let myself skip my goals,

an intention that allows me to keep balanced and consistent instead of seesawing all over. Right now, I just have me beating myself for falling short, which I know is not a great solution and will not help me in the long term either. Sincerely, a seesawing Sally. Yeah. This, I think, is so relatable.

How's that meditation? Did you keep it up? I do it on occasion. Okay. I don't like, more than I was a year ago, not, some weeks I do it like quite frequently and some weeks I don't really do it. We haven't checked in a while, but I'm glad to hear that it's still like in the mix of things that you are trying to do every week.

Yeah, I try to. I think it's, I kind of agree when it's not to go off topic, but it is almost harder than workout to me because it's hard to see. And I think that's almost the important part here. It's like it's hard to see the end result of something that's sort of invisible. Like with a workout, you're like, oh, I'm going to like feel healthier or I'm going to like my arm's going to look more toned or like I'll be more energized and it's a little bit more tangible. And with meditating, I think you're kind of like, I guess I'll be at peace. But it seems kind of vague.

Right, right, right. So that made me think that for the listener, like, I'm. I think maybe like having a vision for what it looks like to be successful in these things would really help keep her on track. Yeah, I agree to an extent. I think there's another piece of it where you kind of have to be able to focus on the process rather than the outcome. Because I think if you're consistently just looking towards the end game and you're

not like being present in the process of each little piece, like the small steps that make up the end game. And then sometimes it can feel too big or it can feel too far or it can feel like the steps along the way are, they're not in and of themselves, you know, satisfying or helpful or whatever. Like if you finish a meditation and then something stressful happens after, you're like, oh, well, that was a waste. You know, like now I'm stressed out again or whatever. And that's not really the point of it. The point of it is like being in those moments and seeing the process as part of the outcome. Like the process.

So, you know, the other piece that I thought of is that judgment that she gives herself. I think she's created this identity around being, whatever you want to call it, a procrastinator or disorganized or not structured or inconsistent. And that identity, I think, can sometimes give people an out. You know, like when people say, like, I'm just not the type of person who. We talked about this a long time ago. Like, I'm just not the type of person who exercises. It's like, no, you just are uncomfortable when you exercise.

That's what that means. I'm just not the type of person who meditates. No, what that means is meditating makes you uncomfortable. Or I'm not the type of person who's outgoing. It's like, well, no, outgoing, being outgoing makes you uncomfortable. and it brings up these feelings that, you know, churn up some type of physiology in your body that's uncomfortable, but the longer you kind of sit in that and allow that to pass with calmness, maybe you can move through to, you know, being the type of person who X or Y or Z because

you've trained yourself to become more comfortable in those types of situations. So I think for her, part of it is going to be figure. out like what is the big fear. There's some fear that causes her to stop doing whatever it is that you're that she's doing. Fear of being uncomfortable probably right. I have to be I'm tired and I have to push through being tired right. That's like a physiological thing. Your body wants to lay back and be more sedentary and more still and you're pushing yourself to do something other than that. So that feels uncomfortable.

It requires energy that you might not have. So if you can, the biggest thing that I, the advice that I can give her is learning how to relax into the discomfort of whatever it is. Because whatever she's trying to do, there's moments where it's not going to feel comfortable. And I think,

you give like an example? An example of like, let's say, let's say my alarm goes off. I'm just going to use exercise, right? Let's say I'd say, she set, I would go through like tips for consistency and tips for creating structure. And it sounds like she's read a whole book about that. I don't think she needs any of that. The tips on how to like be scheduled and structured and whatever. But what happens is she makes up her schedule and she says,

okay, I'm busy. The only time I can work out is six o'clock in the morning. So her alarm goes off at six o'clock in the morning and there is this uncomfortable feeling right there's something i even like if i have to wake up early and i'm really tired i even get like a little nauseous almost like there's something in my body that feels uncomfortable that feels like if i lay my head back down and close my eyes this feeling will go away but there's another way to make the feeling go away which is to sit up turn my mind inward to my body, what feels uncomfortable about this right now? Just being curious about your own body. Is it that I literally can't, it's just sitting up feels uncomfortable, putting the energy into my muscles feels uncomfortable. Do I feel nauseous? Do I have a headache? What is it? Just like watching that

feeling. And instead of doing the automatic thing to make it go away, which is lay back down and snooze your alarm, just sit up and watch it. And sometimes just watching it will make that feeling kind of pass and then you can be like, you know what? I know what that was. I'm familiar with what it is that's driving me to do the thing other than what I want to do. And now I can kind of realize it's not that bad. It's like a little nausea in my belly or it's a little whatever. Maybe if I get up and splash some water on my face, it'll feel better. And I can find a different way to make this feeling, the uncomfortable feeling go away other than the automatic thing, which is typically like sloth like that you know i took a yoga class they said one of the you know evils of the mind is

sloth this idea that if we just lay down and don't move and rest will feel better and that is one way to feel better but there are also other ways to feel better that we just don't practice as much which is just yanking yourself up going into the bathroom splashing water on your face and being like i'm up or you know what i'm going to go to the bathroom i'm going to splash water on my face If after that I wait five minutes and I still want to get back in bed, I'll let myself get back in bed. But kind of doing something different to make the discomfort go away other than that natural thing that we typically do, which is, you know, whatever it is, snoozing or, you know, eating the cupcake because it's in front of you instead of being like, okay, there's an uncomfortable feeling that I have. Like when I tell myself, I might not eat this cupcake. There's a couple ways to make that uncomfortable feeling go away.

one way is to eat the cupcake. Another way is to walk outside, go upstairs, drink a, you know, glass of water, take a shower, come back and see if the feeling of craving, which is another one of the evils of the mind, see if this feeling of craving goes away. Try something different. Yeah. The last piece just that I wanted to say on this is, obviously, this isn't as simple as it sounds she's going to relapse, so to speak. Like when she sets these goals, then she's going to have a day where Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I'm going to wake up and go to the gym. And then one of those days, she's not going to do it. How do you handle that? That's the other big piece of this. It's like, how do you handle a relapse, whether it's substance abuse, exercise, diet, work? Meditation.

Meditation, right. Do I judge myself? Do I say I'm just not the type of person who? Do I put myself back in my box? Do I beat myself up about it? Or do I just, you know, kind of allow myself to fail without judgment and then return back to the course? That's what meditate. Every time people meditate, that's the whole thing of it. It's practicing this. Watch your mind shift away from your breath or whatever you're trying to do. And as soon as you notice it, instead of being like, oh, you can't do this. You're so bad. This just notice that you've drifted off track and gently bring your mind back to your breath. So notice that you've drifted off your schedule and then just gently bring yourself back. The reason why people don't stick to diets and that type of thing,

most of the time is they fall off, they eat the thing and they say, forget it, I can't do this. Just forget it. I'm not even doing this anymore. And then it's over. And so saying, okay, my next meal, my next bite will be healthy. You know, my next morning I'm going to get, just reset the plan and get back on. it without judging yourself or beating yourself up just kindly and tenderly and don't put yourself in a box and I think it'll make it much easier for her to get back on track. It doesn't have to feel so intense in either direction for you to be able to do it. I think there's this myth in your mind where it's like I need to be perfect at this and do it consistently or I might as well not even

do it at all. Maybe that's like some lingering shit from like hostile culture. or something. Yeah, because people on Instagram look like, oh, well, every day I take my cold plunge at 6 in the morning and this is what I do every single day. It's like, no, they're missing a day every now and then. And then they're getting back on track. And if they're not, that's almost like a worse thing.

Like a real, like I think a real happy, balanced life is being able to do those things. And then also give yourself a break sometimes. Like I always thought there should be a book called, you know, like the seven habits of highly effective people. Like the seven habits of like moderately affected. Right. It's so true.

And that's what life is. It's about falling off and then just calmly without judging yourself, without sizing yourself up, get back on. That's why I love yoga and you do the balance poses, right? I'm sure you've done yoga and you do the balance pose. It's always like, if you fall out, just get back in. Right. Yeah, I've had, that's a great, yoga is a great metaphor for that. Because, like, for instance, I can never do a headstand.

That's just not something that I'm able to do. And then when I'll take a class, and then they, sometimes I would want to, like, avoid classes that even do that. Right. I do the Peloton app for yoga. And sometimes I'm like, oh, like the picture shows them doing that thing. I don't really enjoy that pose at all. So I'll pick a different class. But I find it's almost better when I do it.

And then I try it and I never get it. But I feel like I tried it. It was hard to try it. And then, you know, I feel good that I even gave it a show. Yes. And there's practice in that. There's practice in not judging yourself. There's practice in just allowing yourself to fall out.

And maybe you try it again. And maybe you keep, you know, I've done that in yoga where you just keep trying to pop up a little. And you keep trying to pop up. And a lot of times you don't pop up and it doesn't work. But there's so much worth. And that's why I say the process instead of the outcome. There's so much worth. and the process of non-judgmentally reminding yourself to just get gently back on course.

That is for literally everything. So I agree with her. Don't judge yourself. Just notice, I'm off track. And I'm going to just, as soon as I can, get myself back on without judgment. That judgment, that's the piece. It's like I always say, the mental piece, sizing yourself up, putting yourself in a box, that's the part that makes everything feel harder.

Accepting, not resisting, not trying to make a storyline about you and your life and your ego and who you are and what your identity is. Put that all out the window. Just try again in the next moment that you have a chance. It's not that it doesn't have to be that complicated. Agreed. So a couple of intentions just to, you know, speak them out even though I did. I will allow myself to fall without judgment and return to my course as soon as I notice. I will allow myself to fall without judgment and return to my course as soon as I notice.

And that's for meditation, diet, exercise, work ethic, anything. And the other one that I think is really important for her is I will practice relaxing into discomfort. And these work for everything. So if you can relax into the discomfort that makes you avoid, you can almost desensitize to yourself to that discomfort. And then instead of avoiding, which is your go-to quick-fix strategy to make yourself feel better, you can relax into it.

And then there might appear another option besides avoidance. I love that. All right, good. Let us know if that works for any of the endeavors. I hope so. I also think like just the intention of doing this kind. Like some people are so set in their ways that they don't even think about what they're doing and how they want to change.

So I think even the idea of wanting to do this sort of thing is a great first step. And she should be proud of just that. Totally. That's why I love anyone that writes in. It's like, okay, I want to do something different here. I want to do something in a way that feels better than how I've been doing it. So I agree with that. You want to read our first triggered?

Yeah. Hi ladies. I just got home from a double date and feeling triggered, so I'm immediately writing in, L.O.L. My friend during dinner, the girl, whispered to me asking if we should get another drink. Drinks were $18. So I was like, I don't know, kind of expensive, but I want one. She then said, let's just do it. The boys will pay. She said it jokingly, but also seriously. I wish I could say that and joke around like that, but my boyfriend would kill me if I did. he's very much split everything unless we're married and it bothers me. But he says when I expect him to pay for everything, it lacks respect and it doesn't show love for him. I then brought it up on our

walk home saying she was funny for saying that and he immediately got angry at me for making everything about money and our night ended awfully with him just leaving in an Uber and a huff. How triggered can I be to watch another couple have the kind of paying for dinner dynamic that I want? Is it so wrong of me to have thought that he treat me? for a dinner at a double date. I feel like maybe I was brought up that way and it makes me look like a petty bitch. But I just see girls joke about it

and I feel like I have to walk on eggshells. A triggered and maybe petty bitch. It sounds like her boyfriend is the one who is triggered. Yes. To me. Not her. And I mean, I think she should call this what it is, which is a turnoff.

Yeah. I'm turned off by the fact that not only, only is he, you know, not treating me ever, which, again, is, is a not, I don't, I'm not saying that, uh, that you need to be treated or that's a thing, but to her personal preference is that she would like that. And her personal, and this particular situation is a turn off to her. Right. Which I think is fine. I think you're allowed to have whatever preferences in a significant other that you want to have. So I think that's the first thing she needs to do is admit that to herself. And I don't, she's made it like, he's made it a values thing. Like, it's a

disrespectful to want her to do that or it's disrespectful to what did he say it doesn't show love for him that's his opinion that's not a fact right um so i didn't like that that was presented as like you wanting this thing is a sign of disrespect because i don't think that's accurate right well she's you know part of it is maybe it's like an expectation because she writes it he says when when i expect him to pay for everything it doesn't show love so I totally agree with everything you're saying. But I think if it was different in a way where it wasn't like an expectation, but it was sort of like, you know, and you've said this in the past, like it really makes me feel, it makes me feel loved when like, you know, we're out to dinner and I know that,

you know, it feels like a romantic gesture to me for you to pick up the tab. And you know what? It's not about the money because I'll pay for the groceries next time we go to the store. or I'll pay for the gas next time we take a road trip or whatever it is that you want to say. Like, maybe paying for gas on a road trip doesn't feel so romantic. But paying for dinner on a double date and buying a drink feels like more of a romantic gesture for her. Unless, however, it really is about the money. And she wants to spend less or save more or whatever it is for her that she feels like that's something that she wants in their relationship.

And if that's the case, I do think you're right. to kind of admit that to herself if that's where she stands. But the biggest issue to me when I read this is the fact that it's like an elephant in the room, that she can't make a joke about paying for dinner without it turning into a fight and him, you know, ending the night, leaving. You know, I think they need to be able to, this is the exact type of thing. I don't know how long they've been together, but I think if this is going to come to a head, this needs to come to a head because this isn't going to go away.

by not talking about it and him saying, you're never allowed to bring up money because I don't like it. Like that's not an okay dynamic. And the way that he sort of, to me, presents it is like, this is how I think about money. So this is how we think about money. And if your opinion is different than that,

then you're wrong and you're disrespectful. Right. And you should keep it to yourself. Right. Which to me seems like a very unhealthy form of communication and very disrespectful towards the feelings of the other person that you're with. No, I agree. I think they both are entitled to an opinion on this matter, and they're both entitled to bring it up whenever they want to bring it up.

So, you know, I think she needs to first figure out, is it really that you want him to be generally spending more money in the relationship? Or is it about a gesture at a romantic dinner with another couple, and that's the moment that you feel like you'd like to be treated? in which case I think you can phrase it like that and offer to make up the difference somewhere else. And if it is about you just in general wanting him to, you know, spend more money on you, I think you have to be really honest about it. But the most important thing is money is everywhere. Spending it is all the time. That cannot be a taboo topic in your relationship.

Yeah. Or that's going to just be, you know, fuel for many, many little arguments like this. I guarantee it will happen again if you don't address this on a bigger level. 100%, especially if you ever got married. I mean, I think she says, I don't want to have to walk on eggshells around this topic. I think anything in a relationship where you feel like you need to walk on eggshells is a good sign that it needs to be like worked through, not around. Exactly. I love that.

That's very true. So if you're feeling like this topic is a little too sensitive for me to ever touch, that's the great sign that you should be touching it. Yes. In the right environment, like you said, in the right timing. Right. Or whatever. Yep. I agree.

So how triggering is it that he like made a big deal about the joke about the paying and the leaving? I mean, the fact that he left in a half after she brought up this joke, I think that's like an eight. I would be triggered by the fact that I can't make a joke. I can't say, you know, how I feel about something that seems pretty innocuous as, you know, the boys will pay for dinner, you know, like even if you reversed it, oh, the girls will pay for it. Like, okay, that's not triggering, you know. Right. I agree. Shouldn't be.

I would be more than almost triggered. It's just like really turned off by like the rigidity of how that, not even just like the amount, like you said, the amount that there's. spending or who's treating who. It's about a romantic feeling. It's like the turnoff is not that he's not paying. It's that he's so strict and intense about the fact that he is not and shouldn't have to even be and would never even think about the idea that he would. And that would go for any other topic, I think, where someone feels so intensely strong

that you can't make any joke about it. And it's not a laughing matter. And it's something that's of normal everyday occurrence. all over the place. It's not like it was like pay for this dream vacation and right you know totally agree. The little bit last thing just to get back to kind of where we started on this is if you wanted to she could address it in a way that says I've noticed this issue is a hot spot for us. I want to know how you really feel about it. Do you have some insecurities about money? Are you feeling afraid of not having enough? Are you feeling afraid of, you know, I just want to open the dialogue and I want to see if

there's something that you're feeling insecure about or why money is such a tough topic for us to discuss. So I think if she can lean in instead of like, you know, you're something wrong with you because you can't talk about this. And, you know, I think if she can lean in tenderly and say like, what's going on here, what are you fearful of? What are you insecure about? And I'm sure there's some reason. Maybe he feels like he's not going to be able to support her. He does. doesn't want that expectation or something. So yeah. I mean, and again, if that if that doesn't really work or that conversation, sometimes people disagree about the way money should be spent and be split. And people have broken up over much lighter topics than that.

So that's a big, I think that's a big difference. And if you're not on the same page, again, I don't think there's like a right or wrong answer for who should pay for the double date. it's more like if you can't have a reasonable discussion about that, then maybe you two aren't, aren't a good match. Agree. All right, let's do one more. Let's do it.

Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. Love, love, love the podcast. I'm writing in today with a triggered submission. A few months ago, my friend from growing up, connected me with her friend from college. Rachel, because Rachel was moving to my smallish city, it would not know anybody. We are both in our early 20s.

Rachel and I got coffee when she first moved here, and we quickly became very good friends, or so I thought. Dun, done, done. We hung out a ton during the first few months of her being here, and I included her in most outings with my other friends since I've lived in the city for over a year. Lately, I feel like Rachel is pulling away from our friendship as she meets more people in our city. I feel like it's natural that we will spend less time together as she makes more friends

from work, other friends, etc. up, but she never invites me to do things with these other friends, while I went out of my way to include her in my other friendships when she didn't know anybody. When we hang out now, it feels like she is squeezing me in and not prioritizing our friendship. We haven't gone out together in a while. Now our hangouts are more like, let's grab coffee. She says she is super busy with work, but then sometimes she will post pictures out with other friends. When I do see her, she seems super into the friendship, but I just feel like we were so much closer a few months ago. I almost feel like she feels like she, quote, quote, has me as a friend because of our instant connection

and mutual friends. So now she doesn't need to put in any effort. I have a great friend group in the city, but I really felt like Rachel and I connected well as friends. And I'm upset because I feel like she used me when she was new to the city and now just fits me in amongst everyone else she is meeting in the city. How triggered should I be? Also, should I just stop reaching out? When I do reach out, she seems happy, but she rarely initiates now and always is so busy. Is there something wrong with still wanting this friendship, which has been causing me stress lately despite being relatively new? Signed, the let's grab coffee sometime, friend. All right. I mean, my initial reaction to this is this just needs some communication. Maybe the friend doesn't realize that she would like to be invited

to these other things. Like, I think sometimes you put someone in a box of where they lie in your life in terms of friendships and it kind of feels for like a one-on-one thing for her for some reason, but she's not going to know that she would like to be included, especially because this listener seems like she has a big group of friends, that maybe she doesn't feel like she wants to be included in her other outings or that she wants to do those types of things. So I think this could just be as simple as, hey, I noticed that you guys were here. I would love to do something like that sometime next time you go let me know and see if she she does that picks up the hint that you would like to be included in some of those things yeah i think this notion of like being

used is not necessarily accurate um because it's not like she's like ignoring her avoiding her it's kind of like she's become more in the city and her life would naturally get busier and it's kind of like what would you what do you owe a new friend right i don't know coffee coffee with a new friend that you go to on occasion doesn't seem like you're she's not like she's brushing you off or not answering your texts um so i would i think that narrative is not particularly accurate or helpful at this point in time right yeah i think she sees it as sort of like i included you with my that's the part that I could see feeling unfair. Like I included you with my other friends and now you've made other friends and you're not

including me with them. Right. But she's kind of like I, she's already lived here for a year. Right. So she like you said, might have completely different expectations that maybe she doesn't want to meet any new friends. Yeah. She already has this friend group.

I don't, I think I would do the same thing as this new girl. And I mean, it could be a situation. It's possible that it could be a situation like the person. who wrote in a few weeks ago about meeting the new friend and then sort of like... She met the new friend on the app and then met new friends

and was like, oh, I prefer these new friends. I don't really want to hang out with this person, but I've already done that. It's possible. And I think the only way to find... Yeah. To find that out is to do what you're saying. Say, I'd love to be invited next time.

If she's not inviting you or only wants to go for coffee and you want more, then maybe the expectations of the friendship are just very not aligned. Right. I would say it once. I wouldn't say it more than once, but I would definitely say it once. I think she also, the listener has to figure out what is it that she wants? Does she want to be included with her other friends? Does she want to do other things alone with this girl other than coffee? What is it exactly that she is looking for from this other person? And then I think she has to kind of ask for it because she might just be, you know, not really thinking about it, overwhelmed and, you know, having lots of meeting lots of new people. I'm sure she is pretty busy and isn't really thinking about, you know, reciprocating the friendship in the identical way that it started.

But I would say it once clear about, you know, what it is that you're looking for that you'd like. And if at that point she doesn't do it, then that might be your cue to say, okay, this isn't meeting my needs. And it's not making me feel good. Right. Or you could say like, oh, do I enjoy this friendship enough to take these monthly coffee dates and be okay with that or am I so insulted by the sort of mismatch

in the expectations of the friendship that I'd rather not even do it which is also I think a fine choice without villainizing the other person I feel like in friendships there's very it's very rare to have two people who are on the exact same page

about just how much togetherness right because there's so totally there's so many other factors do you have a significant other. Do you have other friends? Do you enjoy the same things? You know, there's so many factors that lead into how much time you want to spend together, which is why, like, when you're in college, this doesn't come up quite as much because everyone just wants to spend all the time together all the time because they have nothing else to do. Then when you're out in the real world and maybe you have a significant other, you have your friends from high school, you have your friends

from other places, you have coworkers, you have work, you know, then it's starts to be like this balancing game. And like you're saying, most people are not going to be perfectly balanced in, you know, where their friendship with each other stands at all times. But I think communication helps just saying like, this is what I'd like more of out of our friendship.

And then she may be like, oh, no problem. Like I didn't think you'd want to go because you have these other things. But sure, like I'm happy to throw you the invite. So I would give this as it is like something like a three. I think if she mentions it to her and tells her that she would like a little bit something different and it doesn't happen, I would bump that up a little bit just because she did really, it sounds like, you know, go out of her way to include her and make her feel welcome and then not getting any like attention or care in return probably doesn't feel great.

But if she doesn't know that you need that, then I give her a pass. Right. She might just assume you have your whole life set here and are not, or like, not necessarily looking for that. So let us know how that goes. I agree with you. Three, I think is accurate for the situation. All right.

Well, hopefully we help some people, but I think that's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales Pico, and Rebecca Salz McCaffey. Editing by Missileo Perez. Yes, booking by Ali Friedlander. Send your advice emails to Oversharing at Best. betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-66-6294. Betches.