Oversharing - How To Deal With A Job That I Hate

Episode Date: November 28, 2023

Today on Oversharing, Jordana and Dr. Naomi discuss the moving target of choosing a healthy diet for your kids. Our Overshare comes from a newly pregnant Betch with reservations about telling her in-laws. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a listener who prefers to sleep in but struggles with her husband’s early morning tendencies. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for a teacher-at-heart working a tech job to make ends meet. And we’re feeling triggered by preachy besties and stingy in-laws. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Duranah. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. What's up?

If you're listening now, you have already came and left New York. And I'm sure we had a great time. It was a whirlwind. I don't even remember it. But we're recording this a week before Thanksgiving. You're coming on Sunday. I'm very excited. It was funny, though, because I got a little flashback because I asked you, I was like,

oh, we're going to like go food chopping. Like, what did the kids like to eat? I mean, before I answer what you said, I just remember I had like this visual to, I think we were in Florida, like right after you had Lila, your oldest. And you were like, only organic blueberries, please. Like, can you please not buy any non-organic fruits or vegetables because, like, it's very important. And then I get the text from you and it's like, the kids really like Cheetos and Oreos. If you have any Coco Pebbles, like, they'll eat that too.

Really doesn't matter. It's so true. I don't know when that switch gets flipped off. I think it's like after they go to their first birthday party and they have their first, like, you know, bag of cheetahs. and like bag of skittles and the goody bag on the way home. And you're like, all right, it was all for nothing. Right. Red, red dye number five, down the hatch.

And look, nothing I can do about it now. They're all healthy. Yeah. But it is so true. Like, when does that happen where you're kind of like, all right, I can't fight this battle anymore? Well, I feel like people also see that with their first kid versus their second kid from what I've seen, like the first pregnancy or the first kid, they're like, you're trying to be

like the perfect version of everything. Like, you need to, it needs to be whatever. The book says the most organic, softest diaper, whatever. I don't know. And then it seems like the further in you get, you're kind of like, maybe it's because you feel like you can release control more or because, like, you've seen it the other way and it was fine. Right. Well, I think it's sort of like, what you talk about on baby steps where it's like from the moment, even before you know you're pregnant, you can do, you can control all these different factors. And then you've controlled all the things for nine months and you didn't drink and you didn't do, you know, do any of the things. And then they come out and they're so perfect and they're just so natural. And you're like, okay, I can do

this just for today. Today they're not going to have skittles. And tomorrow they're not going to have skittles. And then eventually, you start to lose control because you're just sort of like, I'm not going to be that mom. I mean, some people are and some of our listeners probably are. That's like, you know, I'm sorry my child is not allowed to have fruit punch at the birthday party, you know, removing the fruit, like staying at the party, watching what they're eating. Like, that's what I think it started for me, like sending my kids off to a birthday party alone, like where I wasn't standing there. And then I'm like, if someone's going to serve fruit punch,

and I'll be like, now make sure if they serve fruit punch, you say no, thank you, and you ask for water. And like, you want to kind of let a kid be a kid. So I think once you get to that point where you're kind of sending them off somewhere alone and they're making these decisions. Right. Because when they go to their friends' house, eventually, you know, they'll be just like binging it probably.

Right. You probably see that on Halloween. Like the kids who are the most restricted are probably going ham. Yeah. Yeah, totally. So at some point, and that's, I mean, this is just me personally as a mom. At some point, I'm like, all right, it's not worth the mental energy that it would take to be helicoptering around to make sure that they don't eat it. And then you're like, okay, well, maybe they can just have it at a birthday party.

But then you're like, all right, well, last weekend, they went to two birthday parties and I have two this weekend. So, like, maybe if I can offer them a fun size skittles to get them to like, get their shoes on and get in the car, whatever it is. Like, maybe it's worth it. So yeah. And then you just give up and you place the order. You know what the worst is? And I put this on the list. And it's like the bane of my existence, Nutella. Oh. And that's messy. But it's good. It's, it's messy. It's, and when I try to clean it off a dish, that's when I'm like, this is sitting in their stomachs. I can't even clean it off this dish with a sponge and water. Is it harder to get off than peanut butter?

Peanut butter is like healthy-ish and that's sticky. Yeah. Peanut butter feels healthy-ish. There's like palm oil in it. I just, it's terrible for you. We keep buying it. Every time the jar runs out,

I'm like, don't buy it again. It's done. And then, and then it just, you know, it feels like you're giving them a sandwich. So it's like,

oh, it's not, I'm not giving them an actual, like, candy bar for lunch. It's a sandwich. Just a chocolate sandwich. Yeah. might as well put like a king-sized snickers into the lunchbox and call it a day right if i'm going to

give them white bread with netella on it but whatever but then you think about like all that you know what i mean i don't think that we had any like there was definitely no one trying to make sure we were eating healthy stuff and like i feel like we're fine i don't i feel so far so i mean we'll see how it turns out but like so far so good everyone's pretty tall not a huge number of and i think that is part of it is like nobody in our family has like bad allergies. Nobody thank God has any terrible like health conditions and we grew up on like pasta and mozzarella cheese and eat whatever you find. Yeah. Yeah. Fruit, you know, crushed up cookies in a bowl with milk. We'll take it. Entomins. Those were good. Those were good. I think I think they went out of business maybe. There was something with

them. Yeah, come to think of it. I haven't seen those in a while. There was something with them going. They were like the snack of our childhoods for sure. The snack. Yeah. But I'm glad you've loosened up. You'd probably be like a little more annoying to be around if you were still that what do they, they call it I think on TikTok. They call it like an almond mom. Oh yeah. It's like a mom who like kind of subtly instills needing disorder in you. Yeah, I feel like it's worked out pretty well. Like I think my kids generally have an idea of what's good for them and what's not and they, you know, within reason, try to pick a decent option. Not always, but sometimes, I mean, I think that's what we all ultimately end up doing, you know.

Well, bring on the Oreos and the Nutella and the Cheetos. Well, I'm excited to get into that. Let's have a party. It's usually not shoes that I keep. So I'm excited to go there. Thanksgiving week. And we'll let you know next on the next episode, just how it went. Let's get into our episode. If you want to leave a voicemail, you can call us at 646363-6-6-2-94, or you can email us at oversharing at betches.com. I will read our first overshare.

Hi, ladies. Thank you for all the work that you do in creating this awesome podcast. I'll jump right into my issue. I had a miscarriage five months ago at nine weeks. My husband and I were so excited when we found out I was pregnant that we told our family right away for support. After I miscarried, my family was my support system, but my in-laws never said anything to me. My husband told his dad what happened and he said sorry to him, but that was it. I have seen them multiple times after and they still have not addressed it at all, even my sister-in-law who's close and aged to me. Anyway, I recently found out that I'm pregnant again. We're very excited, but also very anxious this time and not going to tell anyone until I'm done with the first trimester. Thinking about telling my in-laws makes me uncomfortable because we are going to announce that I'm pregnant again, but they have never addressed losing the first one. I understand not everyone knows what to say, but it kind of makes me mad that they are being so

passive about this. My husband thinks they probably feel awkward because they don't know what to say. Am I thinking too much into this? How do I feel comfortable and zen about announcing a new pregnancy to them? Love an uncomfy betch. I get how she feels and I do, I kind of agree with the husband. I think they're just, they're not avoiding it because they don't care. They're avoiding it.

I think because they feel like, what's the right time? when they first walk in the house, what's the moment where you say hi. I heard the news. I mean, maybe a text immediately after would have been the best way to, immediately after they found out would have been a great way to do it. Well, here's the thing because like this was something I worked through in my marriage is like, I think different families approach the way they communicate about stuff, just totally different.

Some families are more into, I don't want to say sweeping under the rug, but they're a little bit more into like, I'm not going to go there unless you like specifically ask me to go there. Your private stuff is like your private stuff unless you bring it up. Like we both know, but it almost feels like I don't want to be the one to bring it into the room like as a protection of your privacy, even though we both know.

Bringing it out into the public space feels like maybe an invasion of your privacy in some way. And I agree. And I think that like people especially maybe if they're uncomfortable around, emotions. There's a little bit of a fear of that. And there's just this sense of like, what if you don't want to talk about it? Like, I don't want to bring it up if you don't want to talk about it. And then I've made you feel uncomfortable. I think it's like a fear of making someone feel uncomfortable, especially if they're seemingly happy and pleasant. Totally. Well, I think that this can relate to a lot of different issues when people around you are grieving for any reason. That's why I think sometimes

friendships can suffer when someone, one person has a loss, whether it's a loss of a family member or, you know, the death of a family member or something like this, where it's a miscarriage where it's sort of like some people will avoid it because of exactly what you're describing. Like if you're not already thinking about it, I don't want to bring it up and ruin your mood by being like, you walk in, hey, I good to see you, big hugs. who wants to drink, what can I get for you? By the way. I'm so sorry. Right. So I do think that it's tough to know how to bring these things up in a way that doesn't feel like the person's invading your peace if you're feeling peaceful in that moment.

But I'm glad she's bringing it up because I think it matters. Like I know so many people that create distance and friendships, even just around like if they lose a parent or someone dies and they, and they don't know how to handle it, so they just end up avoiding, and then it creates more disconnection and more feelings of aloneness around it. Yeah, and then I think people who don't get what they need to get

from the other person or acknowledgement can feel like this pent-up resentment about that. And I think sometimes if you are angry or sad about one thing, it can sort of, I'm not saying she's projecting her anger about, or like her sadness about the miscarriage onto the in-laws, but I do think sometimes it does help to have like a little bit of a target for like your pain. Negativity. Yeah, your negativity.

So I felt that way too. I think, but I think that like these people are not saying anything because maybe because they are uncomfortable and like maybe they wouldn't want something said to them. And I think it has nothing to do with her. I don't think they're not saying anything because I don't like her. Totally. And it's hard because when, I mean, part of me with my communication suggestions would be to say, hey, I know this is uncomfortable. Obviously, you know what happened.

I'm open to talking about it or, you know, I think about, you know, whatever, something that just gives them the green light. But I also get that when you're going through it, you barely sometimes have the energy to just keep your own head above water, let alone to start thinking about making other people comfortable around what you're going through. And then when it comes to something like with an in-law, because I think that's an interesting sort of relationship, right? Because I don't say no one, but most people aren't like intimately close with their in-laws.

Or maybe they are. I don't know. I think a lot of people aren't intimately close with their in-laws. Some people are, but I think a lot of people aren't. And so then there's this thing of like, is there like an intimacy that you're looking for from them with like discussing it with them? Or would it almost be more advantageous to talk about it with someone you had a more intimate relationship with?

Or maybe she just wants an acknowledgement instead of. of an intimate conversation. Right. Well, I get what she's getting, which is sort of like, I'm going to tell you that we're pregnant again, but we never talked about me not being pregnant the first time. I'm just kind of like, are there two babies in there? Like, we both know there's not. Yeah.

But like, we never discussed the first one. So I could see why she feels awkward. But I also do think that this is the reason why some people are selective about who they tell because if someone's not going to be a support or someone that you don't feel like you can be comfortable around if you do have a loss, then this type of, this is why people don't tell a lot of people because it feels like, well, now I have to either awkwardly untell or I have to kind of wait for them to approach, exactly what she's describing.

So, I mean, I guess if they're that uncomfortable and it's making you upset, you could wait until you tell them also so that you don't have to deal. with this again. But I also, what I would encourage her to do is not think that it's because they don't care or because they're calloused or because they don't care about her or her well-being. I think they don't know when and how to approach it. But this is a good, in my opinion, this is a good example of a time to use a text message, right? So it's like, I don't have to wait to see you in person. I could just be like, hey, so-and-so told me what happened. Right. I'm so sorry. It must be really tough.

I'm here if you want to talk. Acknowledgement, but I don't have to wait until we come over and find the right moment. I could just send it whenever I want to send it. Right. I agree. That's like the way to do it. But she didn't. Should she say something?

She didn't. Yeah. I mean, I think with these in-law relationships that- It's supposed to sweep everything under the rug. No, no. It's not what I was going to say at all. Sorry, that was me. I do think it can, if you're looking for intimacy in some way, which it does sound like she is or some type of connection, your mother-in-law and your father-in-law are just people.

They used to be young people just like you. And they probably would love to connect with you. They just also don't want to overstep. They don't want to step on toes. They don't want to cross boundaries. so it might be up to you to initiate some of that and see how it goes. I get it. She's in a period of grief.

She might not want to do that and that's fine. But if she does feel like she has a little extra emotional energy, she could say, you know, something about we're pregnant. And I know maybe you felt uncomfortable addressing it the last time. But I'm, I welcome open conversation about these things that are happening to all. our family, maybe something like that. Right. To let her know that she's open to that, although she has to be open to that then.

Like, let's say they do come over and she is having a good day and she's, and then the mother-in-law's like, oh, I'm so sorry about what happened. And then she's like, right? I don't want to talk about that. Right. Why don't you have to bring that up right now? I wasn't thinking. So you have to be careful what you wish for too.

I agree. I think unless she really wants to talk about it with them, I would like probably, not let it go. Yeah. Yeah. Unless she wants to talk about it with them. I just feel like she doesn't. Yeah.

At this point. She just wants them to, I get it. She wanted, it's, it's kind of awkward. It's like if you tell someone you're buying a house and the house falls through and you walk them through the whole house and you show them the house and then all of a sudden you're like, oh, come to our new house and it's not that house. It's like a different house. Right.

It's like we never acknowledged that there was a change of plan here, that something shifted. It just feels awkward. I get it. But I agree. I don't think she wants to have like a big in-depth conversation with her in-laws about it. She just wanted some acknowledgement, which is why quick text would have been great, but didn't happen. And I would also just look like, is that their style? Like she would know them better.

Is that kind of like how they deal with things as a family? Because then that's also really less personal. It's more of a discussion with your husband, I think, about like, why does he think that's their style. Is that like, you know, how are, how are you going to raise your kids in that, in that style or in a different style? All right, let's do a betcha. Is this? Do you want to read it? All right. I will read this. Dear Dr. Drodana and Dr. Naomi, my husband and I have been married and living together for three years now. He's an amazing husband and wonderful father to our newborn. However, there's something that has been a struggle for me since pretty much the time we started

living together. My husband is a morning person and he loves waking up early, like really early, even on days when there's absolutely nothing going on. He uses that time to unwind, plan for the day, take care of chores, drink his coffee, etc. I, on the other hand, I'm not a morning person, never have been, probably never will be. My mind and body feel sluggish and I need an hour or so to feel fully social. Here's the problem. Whenever I wake for the day, I already feel miles behind since he's been awake for at least two to three hours before me.

It frustrates me to no end because I've tried waking up early with him too. but he will just wake up earlier. I swear, if I woke up at 6 a.m., he would make it a point to wake up at 4 a.m. just to have his alone time and get a head start. I don't like socializing in the morning anyway, so it's not like I'd be bothering him or trying to talk or anything. I don't get why my presence is bothersome.

I also can't help but feel like he's hiding something from me, even though I'm almost certain that that's not the case. When I eventually do start my day, I already feel bitter and annoyed by him, and it ruins my mood for the whole day. It doesn't feel fair that he gets to, quote, monopolize our mornings. What if I want to sit and enjoy my coffee alone? What if I want a head start to the day?

Can either of you offer some solutions? I feel like it's taking a toll on my marriage and I don't want to feel resentful towards him over something so trivial. Thanks, sleepy, bitter, etch. It seems like she feels like more annoyed that she's feeling less productive. Yes. him. It seems like she's almost like jealous of his productivity and it makes her feel like she's lazy. I got the same vibe. Right. Yeah. Because she starts off saying I'm not a morning person and then says like, well, what if I want to be a morning person? It's like, well, you don't. And, you know,

but I get it. I think she feels it's almost like the, you know, the scene and meet the parents when like everybody's up with their sweater vests at the dinner table. And he's like with the bedhead walking in. like you just feel like a lazy bum. Right. When you're like crusty eyed walking up and he's like, I've just gone from, I've gone a five mile jog and I, you know, watered all the plants and headed off to the office. And then she feels like that every day, I guess. Right.

So I think she wakes up starting every day feeling like a lazy bum. You're not. Most people are doing what you're doing. Right. Which is like waking up at a reasonable time and like wiping the crust out of their eyes and having a cup the coffee. So in comparison to him. Right. But I get why I would feel like, because the only basis of comparison is the people in your household. So it's like her husband and the newborn. And she's like, oh, I'm the, I'm the latest riser here. Yeah. Yes. I totally agree. And I think the fact that

they do have a newborn, it's she probably already, I know, I remember feeling when I was a mom to a newborn. Like I just felt like a sloppy mess. Like my boobs were always like half hanging out of my shirt, no bra like milk stains spit up on my shoulder. Like I just felt kind of disgusting. So he's all like up and showered and smelling good and, you know, it just probably feels, I don't know, just a little like it doesn't make her feel good about herself. But it's not, I think she probably knows if she looks deep. He wants his alone time. the morning, that's like his time. And it doesn't mean he's up to something. It doesn't, you know, I think that's just his time when he gets to do his own thing and have his, you know, routine,

whatever it is. I'd give him a list of shit to do. You're going to wake up, see if he still wakes up early. Totally. That's such a good idea. Especially with a newborn. I'm sure there's plenty of stuff that he can be taking care of. Yeah. She's probably just like a little. that he seems so like happy and energetic and doing his own thing and he has his own like why would if I want my own time to like do my own thing and we have this baby well which is great I also think and I'm glad you brought that up that like let him have his morning time try not to feel jealous and we've talked about this so many times it feels like I think she doesn't want to admit that she's like jealous of her partner because that's not a good feeling I think she is a little jealous of him

and like how productive he is in the morning. Normalize that. I'll normalize that for you. It's normal. But find your time. Maybe you want time at 3 p.m. To like. Or evening times.

Go for a walk. Yeah. Whatever time you want, let that be your time. And he can sit with spit up on his shoulder. And you can like put on your, you know, hot girl walking outfit and go be productive.

Yeah. Not that it has to be a competition, but like do something. that feels good to you that makes you feel active and productive and good about yourself. So maybe you just need to carve out whatever time works for you if you're not a morning person. Right. I assume he goes to sleep earlier. He's that bunch of a morning person.

Maybe your alone time could be like at night. I don't think she wants the alone time. Yeah. I think she just wants to not feel less productive than him. Yeah. Which I get. You don't want to feel like the only one suffering too. to an extent if she's like going through it.

It could be like a little annoying to have the person that you're like with sleeping next to you just like up and at them and just like and you again like you said like you feel kind of not like the best version of yourself. Right. And she said it's come to a head now when they've been newborn. So I'm sure that that's like a big part of it. Yeah. It probably just exacerbates it.

But I would find your time where you feel like you're your best self and make sure you're getting that time. Maybe she's not getting that time now because, you know, she's a new mom and make sure you find whatever time of day it works for you to feel like you could be a productive best version of yourself. It doesn't have to be in the morning. I do validate this. I could see that or even just like there are times when you just, you're kind of cranky for whatever reason and someone that you're around is like super chipper. It's like, take it down a notch. I agree. I'm not there. Why do you think he keeps waking up earlier than her? She keeps,

I think he likes his little, I'm alone in the morning, which I also get, because I recommend this to people a lot of times when I'm trying to prescribe like meditation is to wake up early, do it early. You know,

there's something very peaceful, I think, about being alone in the morning. I don't know if you've experienced that, but I definitely have, like if I ever do, wake up early in the morning and the whole house is quiet and like there's nothing to do.

No one's asking you for anything. There's, it's just like the quiet of the early morning. I think it's very peaceful for some people. So he might just be trying to preserve his quiet morning alone time. Right. Like those, I honestly are some of my favorite alone moments of my life have been like before

everyone wakes up, maybe watching the sunrise or like just enjoying like that quiet early morning. I think there is something very peaceful about that. So I don't fault him, but... Yeah. Not personal. Give him some chores. I love that idea, actually.

Oh, since you're up early, let's do some intentions. All right. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm a huge fan of the pot. I'd love to hear your takes. I'm in need of an intention. Here's some context. I went into education as an elementary school teacher and I got my master's degree to be a school counselor.

It was a very expensive degree and I went into a lot of debt for it. But at the same time, I was excited to get my master's and go. into a field I was passionate about. When I graduated with debt, I realized I would never make enough money working in schools to be comfortable and pay off my debt. It was one of the hardest decisions I made to leave working in schools. I left for a job in tech sales about two years ago, and honestly, I'm so miserable. I feel like I sold my soul. Although I know I'm on a more lucrative path and have more flexibility in my day, my job is remote, work from home. I literally can't get through a week without crying about how miserable I am. I feel so behind my peers financially because of the

debt I took out to go to school. I spent most of my 20s in education, not the corporate world, so the tech sales job I have is still entry level, even though I'm 28, many people my age are much higher up in their careers. I'm so sad because if you ask me what my dream job is, I tell you I want to be a school counselor in an elementary school. It's truly my passion. I feel so stuck and angry at how unfairly educators are paid. I'm so miserable in my current role that I'm ready to quit my job and go back to working in a school, but I'm worried that I'll regret taking the pay cut and be in a cycle of trying to get out of working in schools again. I guess the intention I need is something to get me through a week in tech sales without breaking down and something that can help me find clarity about

what to do next. I know working in a job I'm so miserable at is unsustainable, but I'm not sure where to go from here. Thank you very much. Sold my soul in sales. Yeah. I actually had one of my best friends went through something very similar. Same thing, school counselor, which is such a cool job, you know, like I think it's really fun. It's rewarding. But unfortunately, it's like you do have to get this higher education to then get this job that doesn't pay a lot. And she ended up kind of jumping ship on it too, I think, for similar reasons. So I totally get this. And it is hard when you try to go into one of these helping professions and you unfortunately have to do a lot of schooling to get there. But she answers her own question at the end of the email and says that this is unsustainable.

Right. And I agree. It seems like a lot of what she's struggling with is like the comparison. Like I think maybe if, I don't know, but I wonder if she was 24 and all of her friends weren't making more money and moving up in their careers, if it would be easier for her to be like, all right, I have to follow my passion. and I'm just going to go do this thing and figure it out. But because she's comparing herself,

it almost feels like, you know, she's playing Candy Land and she falls down a slide all the way to the beginning and everyone else is like creeping their way up the board. I think if she could take the comparison out of it, I mean, she's still very young. She's 28. I think you have plenty of time to get back to what you want

and work your way up. But again, It's like what we talked about with that other couple where she wanted to stop working, you probably have to crunch the numbers and see what you're going to have to do with your lifestyle to make that work. And then if you look at an actual apartment or house or whatever, you'll see what this is where you'd have to live in order to make this work. And would it be worth it? Yeah.

Or me, I mean, another thing I think she could think about is like maybe it's not that she hates textiles entirely. maybe she just doesn't like this particular job, potentially. That's another thing to examine. Like, I think when you only have one experience in a decision you've made, it can feel like, oh my God,

I've made a horrible mistake. I've made the wrong decision. When it's like, maybe it's just the decision wasn't wrong, but the way it was executed maybe could be changed. Like, I don't know what she doesn't like about the job. Again, if she's, like, if she goes your, I agree with your route,

she should see. what it would be like if she did go back, could she handle that lifestyle? Would she be happier? Would that be okay? And then maybe she thinks like, if the answer is no, I need to make money, there is an option where she could say,

okay, I'm going to do this for X years, pay off my debt. And then, and again, I'm not sure how it is with being a school counselor if you can just go in. I assume if you have the skill set in the degree, you could go in it most time. you could be hired. Yeah, well, I think it depends on what type of, you could probably start in a school that might not be the most desirable or, you know, lower paying school or private school or something. And once you get experience, then you kind of can choose the setting. But I'm sure she could

get a job somewhere. Right. Yeah. So I mean, in my mind, it's like if she says, you know, I'm going to, I'm going to work until I do this thing, I pay off whatever or I make a certain amount of money. And then I'm going to go back to this job. And then there's like this sense of like, oh, this isn't the rest of my entire life. Right. There's an end in sight. I'm working towards something. And then it doesn't feel so heavy because it's not like, I can understand the idea of like,

I've chosen this job. And now I'm here every single day. And every single day I hate going here. And then when I leave, I dread coming back. And then like that's not a way to live. Yeah. I totally agree with that. I think the idea that it's going to be forever is unsustainable.

if she made a three-year plan or a two-year plan, that might be more sustainable. I also think she should be open to allowing the journey of her life to unfold, where she says, I don't want to go back just to end up quitting and coming back. It's like, okay, so what? Then you're back to where you are. You're miserable. You want to go try the school counselor thing. Go back.

Do it. Maybe you love it so much that it's worth it. Or maybe you go there and you're like, actually, I don't love this so much. and it's not really worth it. And then you have your answer because you lived it. And you kind of just let that path unfold. I would take the comparison of the friends out of it so that you can figure out for yourself, your clarity.

But I do feel like she's lucky enough to have something that she's passionate about, that she does feel like she can get paid doing that she loves. Right. And that's not to be thrown away because I definitely know there's a lot of people out there that never find that thing, that they're passionate about cooking, they just have to cook at home for no money. Or if they're passionate about music, then they just go to concerts and listen to music. But you have something that you're passionate about that you can make a living out of. And I think that's worth trying to pursue if possible, maybe lowering your cost of living to make

it happen if that's worth it because that's, you know, eight hours of your day, five days a week, that's a lot of your life. And if you have something that you could really feel fulfilled in. Right. It's like, what is the, what is how much happiness does the extra money give you versus the happiness of like those eight hours of the day? And the answer isn't like, oh, one is clearly when one clearly wins. Like, I don't know what the living situation difference is. So it might not be, that might not be the answer. And I think only she knows that because it's very personal. It's about what it means to you. I will validate for all the educators out there. I think I've said this before, but I totally agree you're massively underpaid for what you do.

You're molding minds, especially, you know, elementary guidance counselors, I feel like are creating the little humans of the future, even just all the teachers. But the guidance counselor specifically because they're helping them learn how to deal with confidence. like they're helping them learn how to be resilient. They're help. I mean, it's, it's amazing. It's incredible. It's like, you know, what we need to do to kind of heal the world going forward. So, but I guess you're getting paid in meaningful life and making a difference.

So that maybe can fuel you. But the other piece of advice that I give a lot of people when they're in this situation is just like apply to some jobs. Like you said, even different tech jobs. guidance counselor jobs so you can kind of see what your options actually are. Otherwise, it's all kind of hypothetical. Right. Maybe there's an extra alternative option of an option D of an industry that she's that's in between these two, that she could feel like she's doing something really helpful and that it, you know, is something that will make her more money. So, and I, you know, this isn't like a career counseling podcast, but I know a lot of people that will, you know, work in education and do

something on the side, like tutoring or college career counseling or some type of, you know, something that you can do as an add-on business, creating some type of social, emotional worksheet that you can make a business out of something, that you can just kind to get some extra money on or somehow, you know, take your skill set and be entrepreneurial about it outside of just going to work and coming home. The intention that I wrote was kind of leaning towards follow your heart and follow your passion. So I will say that. I get your suggestion of like maybe just getting a new job in the tech sector that she's in.

I wrote, I'm lucky to have a passion and I trust the path that will unfold if I follow it, which is hard. But I do think that like trusting in the universe can bring you peace and trusting in your own resilience. So one thing that maybe she can think is that I'm lucky to have a passion and I trust the path that will unfold if I follow it. And the other one's similar but different. I wrote, I will focus on the excitement of watching my path unfold and let go of comparisons. So when I wrote that one, I kind of thought about, you know you're going to make a change. You know you can't

stay here forever. So enjoy the excitement of figuring out what's next. Right. And let go of comparisons, aka timelines of your age and your peers and who's doing what and who's making what. So whatever you're going to do, it sounds like you know you're going to change something and that's exciting. Yeah, it's an adventure. So focus on the excitement of the adventure. Let go of comparisons. And I think you'll find your way. Let's do some triggers. I want to read the first. I'll read this. Yeah.

Dear Dr. Naomi and Jordana, thank you so much for the podcast. I look forward to it every week. I have a triggered scenario that happened recently and I was curious how you would rate this. I'll start by saying the woman in question is my best and closest friend and has always been an amazing supportive friend. However, we recently were out with our husbands on a double date. My husband and I have a one-year-old little girl. I casually mentioned that two weeks ago right after watching my daughter, my dad had tested positive for COVID,

and we were lucky our daughter didn't end up getting it. After me saying this, my friend said, oh, God, please tell me you did not get her vaccinated for COVID. And then went on a little anti-vax rant. I have always known the side of her existed, and so I've always been careful not to bring it up, but her telling us not to vaccinate our daughter, who is in fact already vaccinated at the suggestion of our pediatrician

who we trust when she has no medical background, doesn't have kids of her own yet, and it's just basing this off of random internet articles she's read, felt really triggering and out of line. I'm curious how you would rate this. Thanks again for all you do. Yeah, this is triggering. Also because, like, it's one, the triggering is about, like, telling her how she should raise

her kid. And it's also triggering because she is, like, starting with her. Yeah. Like, it seems like they're best friends. I'm sure she already knows that she's, has a different opinion about this. Yes. So it's like she's scooped up the opportunity to like starch it.

Right. It's almost like she was, it feels like she was waiting. Because it wasn't even directly. Like she wasn't like, oh, thank goodness, I got her vaccinated. So she did, she barely said anything that had to do with that.

And she like, like you said, swooped in and used it as an opportunity to preach. Yeah. Very annoying. And also, I think as a mom, it's triggering because she's already put the vaccine into her daughter speaking what we were talking about before. She's already put the vaccine in her daughter's body. So to sit there and hear all the reasons why it's bad is just like, not helpful.

Not helpful. And just going to make her afraid and angry and, you know, anxious. And her lack of awareness. of that one, she probably did because most people do. And two, she knows her she's her best friend. Why she would so nonchalantly risk making her friend feel scared is triggering. Agreed. I think that the whole thing is like seven and a half.

Yeah. So many things like that. Like if I texted you and I was like, oh, can you get the kids Cheetos? And you were like, I hope you don't let them eat like red dye number five. It's like, yeah, I do. And shut the fuck up. No, so I'm saying. Like, I think that it's like, it clearly was only, that wasn't said to help her.

It was said to like to reinforce her friends feeling that she has made the right decision by doing something less common. We talked about this with other stuff. I feel like there was an email a few weeks ago about something like this where when someone takes the opinion that is less popular, they feel the need to like. like over explain it or over like you know what I mean they can't because because if they did then they might doubt it yes totally I think I think you're right on with that and that probably is what happened here I give it a 7.5 especially because it has to do with just it has to do with her baby and something she couldn't even undo even if she wanted to it's not like she was like I'm thinking of doing and also like no one asked you

That's the another thing. It's like unsolicited advice or commentary. One thing if she was like, what do you think I should do? Because my dad was around her and she was like, well, just make sure you don't get her vaccinated or something. Like it wasn't even in that way. It wasn't asked at all. Right. Even that's kind of annoying.

But yes, I agree. This is extra annoying. Yep. Validated. Triggering. Validated seven and a half. Give it the validated stamp. Yep.

All right, I'll read the next one. Hi, your dad and Dr. Naomi, I love listening to the pod and picking up little nuggets of life advice. Thanks for all you do. I'm writing in with a triggered scenario that occurred today that was very upsetting to me. My boyfriend of nine years proposed to me recently. We are very excited to take the next steps. We live in a, I had to Google this. She writes H-C-O-L, which stands for a high cost of living area.

So wedding planning has been a bit daunting. Thankfully, my single father offered to help financially where he could and offered to help us tour venues. However, my fiance's parents have not been supportive at all. They said they cannot help financially despite redoing their house and taking road trips every other month to another state. When he also offered if they wanted to tour venues with us, they nonchalantly said, we agree with whatever the bride wants and basically said no. I'm hurt by this as we've had a good relationship up to this point. How triggered can I be? Signed something blue. I think I have sort of an unpopular opinion. even in my own household on like parents paying for the wedding.

I just, I don't think you're entitled to that. Like I don't think that that's something that you can be angry about if it doesn't happen. I agree with you. I think you can ask. I think, oh, do you? Okay. I think you can ask.

I think it would be nice. I think it's lovely if you can. But I've heard so many people that are like, well, they took a trip to Italy or they redid their kitchen. And it's kind of like, yeah. Right. It's their money. That's what that's their money and that's what they wanted to do with it.

And you got to just deal with it. Yeah. I think it's like it's very nice. It's kind of like the Taylor Swift ticket thing. It would be very nice if they offered. It'd be great. Yeah. But it's not an entitlement.

You're not entitled to it. Right. It's like what would you like to contribute? Not like how much are you giving because they've already been married. You're an adult. Adult kids. Again, it's nice. And sometimes it can feel like unfair when one parent seems to be contributing more.

But that's just kind of like how life is. And also I think it's, I actually think it's very nice that they said whatever the bride wants. Because they're not paying. So they were like, yeah, like, I'm not going to try to control this thing. I'm not paying for it. That's what I would say if I wasn't paying. Yes.

So I think it's she interpreted that as like they're disinterested and they, don't care, but I think they're sort of like, I don't want to come to tour this venue because I am not paying for it and I don't have a right to really have an opinion. So why does it, why do I even need to go? And it would be awkward to go. I think they also probably don't want to get somehow looped into it, into an uncomfortable situation where they're sitting down and the other parents are saying, okay, how much are you contributing?

And they have to say zero. Yeah, I get it. It's tough. Disappointing. Disappointing. Right. Much like the Taylor Swift tickets. Disappointing. I think it's disappointing.

You wanted, you know, it would be nice to have someone contribute, but not like, I don't know, you're going to pay for your kids' weddings? You know, if we have the money, then we would do it. But I'm certainly not going to like. Not redo your house if you need to. Not do things that I want to do so that we can, you know, just save up for that. That to me, I don't, they can get, I hope they get married. I hope they find a partner that loves them.

I want to support that, but I don't feel the need to, you know, save up my life savings for one day of, you know, luxury items and a wedding. I'll give them what I can. I would offer them my home if they wanted to have it here or I would try to help in some ways, but I certainly don't think that I'm going to be depriving myself after working my whole life so that they can, you know, whatever, have a photo booth at their wedding. I agree with that sentiment to, again, very nice if you can. I think it's like a nice thing to do, but it's, it's, and I think these parents are doing it

the exact right way. They're saying like, whatever you would like to do, we are on board with. And I think that we're just happy to be there. I think she would be more pissed if they didn't say that. Like we, because the worst thing you can do is not be paying and then have a lot of opinions. Yes. Yes.

Which is, that's the silver lining, right? You have one less, one set less of opinions or one less set of opinions to have to deal with when you're planning. I get it. It's disappointing.

Maybe she was surprised because she kind of, in her mind thought, okay, they have some money. They'll give us some. Or maybe they'll give it to you in a way. gift, which they feel like maybe is a better way to spend it. It's their money.

Again, like I've heard that too where they're like, don't contribute to the wedding, but they give you a nice wedding gift. And that's their prerogative, how they want to handle it. It's, it's tough. I know a lot of people disagree and it feels like something that you're obligated as a parent to kind of put in your financial plan,

like paying for your kids college or something like that. But yeah, I don't think you're entitled to it, unfortunately. And I hope you can figure out a way to have a lovely day without that and to not let this ruin it. Because the last thing you want is to then have like lingering resentment that's going to affect your marriage negatively. And hopefully I do hope that her and her fiance are on the same page about it because that could create problems. I agree. I would accept it and move on and just say my dad is a little more generous with the stuff than them.

If that helps you, like, but that doesn't mean they're bad people, but these more generous. That's kind of what's happening. That is very true. And that's, you know, that's the way some people choose to deal with it. And look, I mean, you know, now I'm thinking about myself, maybe down the road, I would, I would change my mind. But at this point, I was bad to say, sort of like, if this, you know, 2038, Whoever's listening to this.

Like any of all your kids, Bernstein kids are listening. She teed it up here. Yes. It's true. I'll have them listen to this. They do, they all three do this like they stick their little faces together and make like sad. They call it like sad eyes.

And they think that that's going to give them what they want. And sometimes it works. So I cannot say that if they really laid it on thick or if I, you know, that I wouldn't change my mind in the moment of it. But. Right. Even like we grew up with kind of even with college, it was sort of like, I'm not just paying for you to go to some out of state state school that is expensive for no reason.

Right. It's expensive for no reason so that you can get drunk from Thursday to Sunday and. Right. You can get drunk from Thursday to Sunday at a state school. Exactly. So, yeah, there's certain. I think everybody's entitled to set their purpose. priorities for where they want to spend their money.

Agreed. Well, so I'd give this a two because, again, I think it's untriggering that they've said they're backing off. She thinks she wants the opinion, but she only wants it if it's like, oh, I love this. Right. Right. I hate telling people that their triggers are not that triggering and I do feel like I get it. It's disappointing.

And it's not fair. Right. Right. Definitely not fair. Yeah. It's not fair. but I don't think you're entitled to it. So yeah, I'd say two, three, two.

Yeah, you can consider that when giving them their Christmas gifts. Exactly. For sure. All right. Well, that's it for us. We did it. We did it again. All right.

That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales Pico, and Rebecca Salz McCalles. Editing by Massilio Perez. Yes, Booking by Allie Freedlander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches

Thanks