Oversharing - How To Get Better At Taking Feedback

Episode Date: May 17, 2022

This week, Jordana and Naomi start by telling us why it’s so hard to take feedback sometimes (and how to tell your therapist what they could be doing differently). Then the Overshare email of the week comes from a listener whose fiancé has a family that feels like she’s stealing him away. Should she discuss the conflict directly with his family or let him handle it himself? Another emailer asks how to respond when her husband comments negatively about her body during pregnancy. Finally, they finish things out with another game of Triggered, including a check-grabbing opportunist, a mid-wedding proposal, and some awkward doggy-talk. Send your emails to [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at: [phone] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Drew Vennie Abraham and I'm clinical psychologist, Dr. Naomi Bernstein. We're back. So today is our third episode, but it is our first episode that we're recording after we told people about this podcast.

And I have to say the response I got was like really incredible. A lot of people really excited about it. It's our first episode we're recording with like real emails meant to be sent to this exact podcast. So it's very exciting thing. I mean like before you you launch anything, you get like a little bit of like an anxiety that like that one no one's going to like the idea, but worse than that that no one's going to care. So this was great. No, I'm really excited to hear from real people.

And you sent me all, you know, all the. stuff that you were getting and I was really psyched to hear from the real listeners and find out what's going on for them and get into helping them. That's what I'm here for. You know, like, yeah, it's, it's fun and it's funny, but I really want to help people and find out what you're struggling with and let's fix it for them. Yeah. And I got so many responses being like you were like their favorite guests on all the shows that you've been on. So I'm sure people are really excited to get to hear from you on a regular cadence. And again, thank you guys for listening by this time. you were three weeks in. So please send us your original emails and your original, you know,

we're going to have a segment at the end that you've been hearing triggered, anything that's triggering you. Email us oversharing at betches.com, oversharing at betches.com. And if you have been listening now for a few weeks and you really like the show, please leave us a review on Apple podcast or Spotify. And we'd love to hear what you think. We're always open to constructive feedback. If you have something mean to say, just tell your own. therapist about it. But if you have something constructive to say, either DM me or email the podcast or leave a constructive review and still give it five stars. I agree. But totally, I love feedback. So put it in the DMs. Let us know what you want to hear more of, what you want to hear

less of. I start every new therapy session with a new patient and tell them basically, if there's something that's not working, let me know. I'm not a mind reader. I don't know what works for you and what doesn't unless we talk about it. So I mean, that could be probably an episode in itself, like, because I feel like, I mean, I'm not sure if you're like this. I'm like this. I think we were talking about this kind of last week where we were talking about how giving feedback is like, you know, sort of like it's so much easier to just like keep going with

the thing that you're doing and not give feedback. Like when you get a haircut and you're like, oh my God, that happens to me all the time. I'm like, oh, it looks great. And then I get home and cry to my husband. This is the worst haircut. Well, it's like, I think very, it's very tough to be able to like, I think there's a fear of like sounding, I guess, like, some people don't have this fear at all. But I'm always like, I don't want to be like annoying or like I don't want to pretend I know what I'm doing more than you know what you're doing. And probably especially with the therapist, like I've had definitely had difficulty giving feedback to my therapist.

but they're always like open to it. But I don't know. I think that's a big fear of mind. So I imagine just saying what you want is difficult. But I do feel like if you present it in a nice way, that's not like a rude way, like people are pretty receptive, right? Yeah. I mean, I think most of the time,

I also think, again, putting it out there in the beginning, I think I even said it, you know, to Sean in the beginning, basically let me know, you know, the producer of the show. let me know what's working, let me know what's not working. I like to put that out there to people in general, and it just makes it much easier for them to come back and say, okay, you ask for it, here it is. And then, especially in therapy,

what that does is it brings real life stuff into the therapy room. Like, you're a little anxious, I'm a little anxious. How do we communicate when we're anxious? And you can kind of do that in the therapy room. That's good practice, right? Yeah, good practice for like a real life thing where you're uncomfortable telling someone something, but you have to do it anyway.

For this show, put it in the DMs if it's bad. Yes. Put it on the public if it's good. It's good, yeah. Have you heard, so when your patients give you feedback, what kind of feedback are they giving you? Ones who take you up on it and who aren't just silently sitting there,

hoping you would do something different. Yeah, somebody might say, like, I was offended by this thing or when you said that, it made me feel you think this about me or it made me feel you think that about me or, you know, people are reading really into what I think because as a therapist I want to kind of put it on them. I don't give very directive advice. So I think sometimes it goes through the filter and comes out on the other end as what you were really trying to say was you handled that completely wrong and that was the stupidest thing.

Right. They like project with their fear of what they're saying probably is onto like what you actually think of them. Right. So sometimes they'll say, you know, it felt like you were thinking this about me or you were judging me or, you know, whatever it might be, just something that I might have said that might have been offensive or, and look, it doesn't happen often because I, like you said, I think even though I'm putting it out there, a lot of people, like you said, they don't want to hurt my feelings or they just don't want conflict. They just don't want that feeling of having to sit in a space

with someone where there's some discomfort. Right. There's some sort of like confrontation, even if it's small or constructive. But that's like where the best stuff happens. You notice that you're conflict, you notice you're feeling a little anxious, you breathe, you calm down and you like work through it. And then the next time it's much easier. And then you can have these beautiful relationships and the podcast is going to be amazing because we're getting all the feedback. Right. I guess the fear is like if you're not, the more emotionally healthy someone is like the best conflict resolution situations you get. Do you know what I mean? When both people are like, yeah, like I just want like pot like I just want the feedback to make this better. But like I feel like

most people have some air of like defensiveness or like irritation with being critiqued, even though the, so like occasionally you'll get like, oh, I didn't know you wanted me to do it like that. Of course I'll do it like that. But sometimes, but I feel like maybe not sometimes. I would say like 60% of the time, there's someone who's like, well, why would I like, well, you did this. So that's why I did that or like. Totally. Yeah, I agree. So in real life, a lot of times it's harder because if someone is very, I think most of the, of it comes from being triggered or being insecure or if you're not insecure, then it's not going to bother you to the point where it's going to get you aggravated. But it's a good place.

Sometimes you have to have that conversation, let it sit. You know, maybe someone gets aggravated. They get off the phone quickly or they, you know, walk away or they change the topic. And then you can kind of sit with it, reflect. And oftentimes, I think, if it's a good, like you said, if it's a healthy person or a good friend or a romantic partner that's interested in repairing the relationship, come back and say, okay, I thought about it and you're right or I thought about it and I was defensive or, but I do agree. The initial instinct is to tighten up. Yeah. Right. Well, like, yeah, I think that that's a thing. It's funny that that's the feedback you get. I remember in therapy, my feedback was like, I want you to like be like more judgmental.

Oh, say more. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think I was like, I want you to like not just tell me like I'm amazing or like not like make it like if it's not if it's if it's if it's if it's if it's me like I want you to tell me it's me. Right. Right. Right. It's like it's like too many instances where it's not me. Right.

That's good. I guess. But yeah, I've heard that feedback. I think when people come in and they say it hasn't worked out with a prior therapist and I'm looking for somebody new and a lot of times I'll ask, well, what how did you feel about it? What wasn't working? because that's my insight off the bat into what was working and what wasn't working. And a lot of times they'll say they just kind of sat there or they didn't say enough or they didn't, you know, they just listened, which is obviously we're taught.

That's like the number one thing you're supposed to do. But people are looking for feedback, you know. Right. And I'm sure, again, it's not like a therapy is one size fits all. I'm sure there are people who just want someone to like mostly listen with like not that much input. It probably depends what you need. Yeah. But we've got some great emails.

Again, these are real emails from you guys. So I'm excited to get into them. And it's just really, it's really great to see, you know, the batches listeners having an outlet for all of their interpersonal relationships. And we've gotten emails on like the gamut of everything. Yeah, I love it. From like unwanted house guests to mother-in-laws to sibling relationships. And that's what we live for. you're in, you're in oversharing.

Yeah. It's true. It's time for today's overshare email the week presented by BetterHelp. Relationships take work, especially the most important one you can have in your life, your relationship with yourself. That's where BetterHelp comes in. Check out BetterHelp and get matched with a licensed therapist today. Today we are talking about finding your way in someone else's family and also feeling

sexually insecure in our second email. So email us. overshare to oversharing at betches.com. Okay. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, super excited for this pod. This is exactly what my weekly pod rotation needs. Let's get into it. My fiance and I have been together for six years since college. He's the oldest and only boy with three younger sisters. He is, without a doubt, the crowned prince of his family. His mom and sisters adore him and have always depended on him for everything. He's an awesome person, so I get it. One of his sisters attended the same college as us and before we dated we all ran in similar circles she and i got along well enough

definitely more acquaintances than friends before we dated my friends and i would joke about his sister being overly obsessed with him if he was talking to a girl at a party she would be lingering and then try to force a friendship with the girl later it was no big deal just something we'd laugh about okay yeah i was that one that was interesting i think that's a thing i think that's a thing with like sisters in college and brothers and like dating. I think there's a little bit of a, I'd be interested to hear more about this. I don't know if you had any of that when you were in college.

Like sisters being a little bit, you know, feeling away about their brothers dating. And maybe even the other way around, brothers may be feeling away about their sisters dating. But I do think perhaps the former. I do think there's almost like a sometimes in a family. sort of like you want the person to be like overly nice to you because you want them to feel like they're like trying to impress you and or in a college situation and I had this with my

college boyfriend's girlfriend where it's like if you don't you're not do I feel like you're like going out of your way to like be super friend I think she didn't like me because I'm not your college boyfriend's sister is what yeah also went to the same college as us and I don't like we were like fine but I don't think she was like particularly um yeah there's like a little a little wall up. Yeah, they're very close and it's almost like you've got to go above and beyond in some senses. And the younger you are, the less you're like kind of aware that maybe that's what they want. And you're just kind of like, well, sister is really obsessed with him. Like that's right. Right. Right. Right. So yeah, I, um, I always say this, but like I'd love to hear from the other side.

You know, I'd love to hear from right that someone who has a brother who had a girlfriend and, and like kind of how what that process was, especially if you've gone to therapy on it and you figured it out and now you'd like to tell us your conclusion that I'd like to hear. Totally. So email us at oversharingabetches.com with a story about your brother's bitchy girlfriend. Okay. There's more. When we started dating, I thought I knew the extent of what I was in for.

When she found out we were together, she spiraled. Tried to talk him out of it and said that no one in his family would like me. She would show up drunk wherever we were and ultimately. pull him away and cry about how she felt like she was losing him and I was a bad person, etc. It was just a lot. She spread her dislike of me to the rest of her family and set the tone for a very rough three year period. I know this was not all about me. We later found out she was having mental health struggles during this time. I didn't handle myself perfectly either. Having someone so blatantly dislike me hurt. I wanted my significant others family to like me and the whole situation left

me annoyed and frustrated. I regret the times I've rolled my eyes at her and wish I had the maturity at 20 that I do now, but it is what it is. So yeah, I think college in the 20s and women in their 20s, I think pretty much across the board, however, it's really hard to be confident and not let your insecurities blind your decision making. So that was probably happening on both things. Totally. Or to not be like, like to have the maturity, I think, too, to be like looking at the situation as a whole and like the empathy of looking at how someone else would feel in the same situation is not definitely not something I had in college. Yes. And you're in this group of girlfriends that are all just kind of fueling the fire, I think sometimes and not

creating a situation where you're like, well, look at it from her side. Like nobody's saying that. No one wants to hear that. Right. Right. Right. Right. It's kind of like also like a bonding thing with other people is like talking shit about someone else. So it almost feels it feels almost like a nice little like scratching a nice little itch. Be like, what a bitch. Like yeah, it's her again or something. You know what I mean? It does bond you in a way. And even though it's like a little fucked up. But yeah, I'm being flooded with all those memories from college of like, you know, just being a little bit of a mean girl and, you know, getting up on somebody and I can't imagine you being a mean girl. I was like in the background of it. I was like in the background of it.

I wasn't, it was more like, I wasn't, I wasn't exactly me. I watched other people. Yes, I watched other people be mean and I probably had like mean thoughts and maybe got a little bit of that like scratching of the itch. But I, I wasn't like the main participator in that. But I do think that there was my internal thoughts were not kind at times. Totally. It's kind of fun to be like in a click.

Right. And part of that clickiness because it gives you a feeling of belonging, especially if you're like away from your other friends or your family. So, like, I guess part of that feeling is like, we all hate the same people. Yes. You know what I mean? I'd love to tackle that because it's like a cultural, you know, it's just kind of like It goes to politics.

It goes to like, yeah. And it could be anything that does stick with you in other ways. But in college, I feel like that's your friends or your whole life too. Right. You're supposed to go to college and like find yourself and be mature, but you're really practicing these really harmful like ganging up on. one-sided, you know, in-group-out-group. Yes, in-group-out-group stuff.

So let's help people so we could heal the world. That's for a different episode. We'll delve into that. Yes. All right. Let's see. As we got more serious, it turned into constant battles with his mom about every little thing.

We miss a routine dinner at his grandmas to attend my cousin's birthday party. Huge fight. We plan a trip to Europe with some friends. How dare you? We move in together. All hell broke loose. I could go on. It really came down.

to not being ready to have her son grow up and become an independent person, but instead the blame was on me. His mom would send sporadic long text about how she stays up all night crying and is so devastated that he no longer cares about his family. Every decision he made would remind him of how hurt she was. The bright side to all of this is that my fiancé handled it all amazingly, set firm and much-needed boundaries with his family and stuck to them even when they hurled hurtful comments at him. You're selfish. You don't care about anyone but yourself. You're a different person. etc. When another sister sent me a long, mean message about how I had torn their family apart

and to stay away from them, my offense was that we spent Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas Day with his. He reiterated his boundaries and protected me. It's so interesting. I wonder if that was her actual offense or if that is like, you know, that her version of the offense. Yeah, it's possible. I can't imagine someone's sister would care that much.

they were only there for one. Like there obviously there's something in that fight that like she left out. I doubt the whole family was like when they went one day with her family. Maybe, but let's say Christmas Eve is like their thing, you know? And he wasn't there and they're already like upset. They probably spent all of Christmas Eve like shit talking her. Right. And like it's funny that in this case, the end group is the family.

Right. You know. Right. That's something that like it's weird because like families in groups are like such a range of ages, a range of genders. And like it could probably still really feel really good as a family to be like, well, she's not in her family. Right. Or like you know what I mean? Totally.

I think it's a perfect example of that for sure. After a period of limited contact turned into COVID turned into us moving across the country. Things are now much better. We're on good terms with everyone and time has healed a lot. We live far away now. but when we do visit, we can all be together and talk and laugh like things are normal. Except I'm still extremely hurt at how I was treated by his mom and sisters, particularly by his one sister spreading that I was a bad person for no reason and by the other sisters

really hurtful texts, blaming everything on me and telling me never to talk to the youngest again. I know I need to let it go, but I just feel like I got treated like I was some evil, heartless bitch whose goal was to steal him from them, but that's never been true. I always encouraged him to reach out to his sisters, especially the younger ones, when he was most upset by his mom's controlling and gaslighty behaviors. I reminded him that she loves him and she just didn't know how to handle the difficulty of her son growing up in a healthy way. I still get so anxious before going to family events because the feeling of having to be

around people who hate me and think I stole away their golden boy sucks. I need advice. I've spent the last six years trying not to make this about me. I've supported him and helped him have a good relationship with his family and things have really gotten better. He's always been great back to me. We have good communication between us, and I love the life we have together. Despite this, no matter how hard I try, I can't shake the hurt feelings. It feels like his family is just pretending nothing ever happened. He knows how I feel and is offered to bring up that they owe us both an

apology, but I always tell him not to because I don't want to exacerbate things. Now the first sister has a serious significant other that they all adore, and that just makes me feel worse. All the siblings have now had to face their mom's controlling behavior, and there seems to be an unspoken understanding now that it wasn't really my fiancé not loving them. I just need advice on how to proceed with how to heal my hurt feelings. Should we go over the questions one by one? Sure. Yeah. Because she has a, she has four questions. She has four questions. Let's help her. Before we get into them, what do you make up the situation like on the whole? I think they all were going through, I mean, this is all from her perspective. So I think from the family, I think she was right on.

They're just going, he was probably the first one to have a serious relationship. And it does change the family dynamic. And that's really hard, you know. They didn't handle it well, but that's, you know, think about it. You have your little core group like you said of your family from the time you're little. And then all of a sudden there's like you have a choice to. Yeah, except this outsider in or let him kind of be with her without. It's just, it's hard on their end, I think, to.

accept a change. Now that I'm, you know, older and I have kids, I can kind of relate to that side a little bit more of like, it's going to be hard when things change and there's, you know, the dynamic is different. Yeah. But they did not handle it well. I mean, it seemed like their mom had this like alpha sort of like, sort of she was kind of the person almost like going, like, who's like spearheading this thing. And it's interesting to see how like family dynamics change. And I think we can relate to that. And, you know, as the kids are getting older, like the first one is almost like, in some ways, being the oldest is like the toughest that way because you get like, you have to deal with like

adjusting them to like how things are going to be. And then if you're a younger sibling, you're like, well, I've already been like, you know what I mean? Like now I see what you meant and you already have someone like on your side. Yes. For that kind of thing who's like, yeah, mom is crazy. Maybe she's, we shouldn't be blindly just listening to everything she said. or, do you know what I mean?

And that seems like that's also kind of what happened here. And she was the one who had to like break her in. Yes, totally. And she had her army behind her on the first one. So it's even harder. Like for number one, even if mom didn't come around to it, she had all the sisters on her side in the beginning. And then after one by one,

they all experienced it by the time you get to the youngest, even if she is still feeling that way, she doesn't have like her army fighting for her, you know. And it's interesting, like, you could have, like, it's imagining the same scenario where, like, you have a negative thought about your son's girlfriend and you start talking shit about her to your, like, daughters. In a different scenario, like in the situation where this never happened before and the girls are blindly trusting the mom, it creates this like, okay, this enemy of the family. but in a different scenario where like the kids maybe have a more healthy relationship and boundaries from their mom then you have a situation where they're like you're being a little tough on her yes or you know what I mean and then it almost like she might not even hate them as much like you do

like you know what I mean like it seems like them all like fueling each other up yes and then because I've had that before where I've had like a little bit of a negative thought about something and then depending on who I tell whether they're like yep yeah that was fucked up or something like that. It's going to change the whole course of how you handle it. That first call, you know, if the first call feels you up, then you're off to the races. If the first call is like, well, I don't know. I mean, what did you really do that was so terrible? Then you kind of take that step back. That's why it's so nice to have a therapist, especially one that like knows how to handle you in that way. Right. Because you can like air those thoughts with someone who one has nothing to do

the situation and like doesn't care like doesn't affect them at all either way so they have no reason to not tell you like an unbiased opinion right yep but it's funny how in the same situation if someone was like well you're being a little tough on them you might be like completely it might have completely avoid a a whole thing totally and i think the sister they said the sister was struggling with mental health issues she was probably maybe really leaning the brother in that moment or leaning on him And so the mom dealing with him having a serious girlfriend combined with the sister, they probably were just like fireworks, you know, the two of them together. And then I think it's a good point.

They probably fueled each other up. Let's get through her questions. She says, should I continue to push my feelings on this aside and act like none of this ever happened? So I don't think so. It seems like it's been quite some time and it's still bothering her. Like I'm always let it sit for a minute. And if it can go away on its own, then let it go away on its own. then let it go away on its own, but this seems like it's been like years or something,

or at least several months and it's still bothering her. So my feeling is there needs to be some community. I don't think demanding an apology is the way to do it. I could agree, especially if they're like engaged and they're going to be married forever. So she's something, something should probably be done so it doesn't like fester into some sort of like intense resentment. So which leads us to our next question, should I let my fiance bring up these old wounds with the hopes of trying to come to some conclusion.

I mean, I think one thing she could do, if they live across the country and they only see each other every once, you know, a couple times a year, then you just, yeah, twice a year or whatever, then you just suck. And she doesn't, if she doesn't care about having a real, intimate, you know, connected relationship with his family, or if he doesn't care about that, then maybe you let it lie. But if she, if he cares and he wants them to be close and she would like to be close,

then I think you have to have this conversation, but should he bring it up or should she bring it up i kind of feel like he should bring it up because it's his family and like no yeah i mean i think i think ideally it would happen like in person one day when things are warm and fuzzy and all is great and everyone's like kind of feeling a little somewhat connected like she said to just say you know i'm so glad that things are so much better between us, it was really hard for me when, you know, there was all that tension before we moved and just kind of put it out there and see if you can open up the door a little bit to maybe they might come out with, yeah, you know, we really had a hard time adjusting to him, you know,

meeting you or whatever. Maybe it would be. Right. Well, what if they shut that down and sort of just change the subject? Eish. So if they totally shut it down, I think she could give one last try to say, you know, like, I've really been thinking about this and I'd love to just talk about it because I was hurt by some of the things that happened. And if that's shut down, then that's, I think, then that's just that. There's not, you know. Right. And then you've attempted it. And then you can, like, if nothing else, just kind of make peace with the fact that you tried. But I feel like most people, especially like if you said it like that, which is a much more mature way than I would probably come out with it was like, you know, years ago when you did this, it like, because like yours is

very, it's not even like, it's not even assigning any blame. It's really just saying like tension, which could like sort of like is a mutual thing. Right. It doesn't feel like it's, you know, when you caught what she wants to say, which is like when you caused all this tension. Totally. It's a very open way of, you know, starting it. But what, it could also start another fight though, then being like, yeah, actually like now remembering how you tore the family apart, I'm really annoyed. Yeah, but the way she describes it, I just don't see it. going that way. She says that they're better and that, you know, that they've kind of, there's an unspoken thing that their mom is a little bit controlling. I think it would be best to do it with

the cysts with like a one. Pick one first. Your best bet. You're one that you're getting the best vibes from. Maybe the one with the boyfriend. Yeah. Maybe the one with the boyfriend. I would pick that one first. Go there. See how that conversation goes. But asking for an apology, I do not recommend that as an initial strategy because that's like you were bad you owe me an apology. Like we talked about in the beginning. Nobody ever kind of takes that type of feedback very well. Right. I don't think. But yeah, I think this needs to come out. And I think it might be best to do it like the boyfriend, even if they did like, you know, her and her boyfriend and like the sister and his boyfriend, or not, you don't need the sister's boyfriend there. That might not be. I guess you could do a double date

and just let the sister's boyfriend sit back and have no idea what you guys are done. I guess depends on how like in he is in the no yeah I would do it maybe the both of them with one family member or even I think it would be fine if she had the courage to do it just her and the sister alone but it would probably feel easier if he was there right you think it has to be in person I would I mean if she's bothering her they're not going to see her for six months then maybe not it's a weird call to get like hey just want to talk about the tension from three years ago three years ago Oh, right, totally.

So, yeah, in person would probably be ideal. Or maybe if they do like FaceTime chats or I don't know what that's like. Yeah. I guess you could say like, you know, because I can also see how it'd be like kind of random. Like, why are you bringing this up? Right. And I think the way, I mean, maybe you could phrase it just like, you know, like,

especially they're engaged. So she's like, I'm so excited to. I'm sure there's like stop for an events and stuff around there. Oh, did they say that? I miss that. I think she said my fiance, right? Oh, maybe she did. Okay.

Oh, yeah. It might be right. So there's going to be a wedding and I assume there's going to be other events. And you could say, like, I like a little compliment sandwich too of like. Yes. So excited to join your family. False. Fine.

I'm so excited for the wedding. Right. Everyone to be together. Yes. Right. Right. I'd love to close the door on just like, you know, obviously we've been together together in the beginning.

it was it was kind of tense i would look to just like close the door on that whole thing because we're going to be in each other's lives for so long yeah we never really talked about that yeah like that kind of thing and then i think that's a good like again non-intense way of going about it and again if you make it about yourself of like i just want to feel like you know i'm i'm going into this family with nothing like with no like lingering issues and i'm you know i want to i want this to be a great situation for everyone. I want everyone to have really fun at the wedding. And I'd love to just like get this off my chest and then we can like move on.

Yeah. Totally. And I think even like I said, just doing it when they are getting along being like this is so great. Like I really am so glad that things are better between us as like an entry point and two. So it doesn't feel as like out of the blue. Right. You know.

And they might be happy. They might actually in some scenarios at all. Someone might be like happy you brought it up so they can like have. an opening to if they feel bad say that like because sometimes that's on the other case where it's kind of like oh I feel like I like didn't treat you well but I'm not what am I going to like bring it up and then not treat and then feel like bringing you back to a time that was like tense and weird maybe you don't want that either so sometimes people welcome that and they're like I'm glad you said something like I've been meaning to say yeah haven't really does I mean I don't have all the

information, but the way she describes the shift and their awareness and the change, it does seem like they would be very receptive to this and probably don't want to have tension. And like you said, this other boyfriend came in and got to like everyone adores him because they kind of paved the way. So I think that they're ready to do that now and have come to terms with the family of origin shifting and they just probably need to put that into words with each other. Yeah. And who knows? Maybe you could become closer. Yeah. That like as things change and maybe you have a lot more to relate to the sister on because she's in the serious relationship now and like

could be totally different. Totally. I mean two young 20 something women or it sounds like more than that maybe even like three or four, you know, women in their early 20s that are trying to find themselves and interacting in that way. Now if they're a little bit older and out of college and more mature, I think they could probably handle this. They probably feel the same way that they could have handled it differently.

I totally agree. But I think we help this person. And thank you for writing in. Brothers Stealing Betch is her sign off. I love the signoffs. They're always really good. Yeah. Let us know how it goes if you try it.

We could do an episode on what happens if people took the advice. I love those. Oh, I would love that. That's it for today's overshare presented by BetterHelp. BetterHelp online therapy wants to remind you that you matter just as much as everyone else. And therapy is a great way to make sure you show up for yourself. BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers video phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist. You don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. Give it a try and see why over two million people have used BetterHelp online therapy. Oversharing listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash oversharing. That's B-E-T-T-E-L-P.com. We've got another email. This one was like, I felt really bad. Yeah. Yeah. I like this email. I honestly, I think this is a thing also. So I'm glad she wrote in. Great. And I think a lot of people have felt this way and are

feeling this way currently. Yeah. And this one is about like pregnancy and sort of like sexuality, I guess, surrounding that and a lot of different things going on. But I'll just get into it. I'll just read the email so that we have the full context. Let's do it. My husband and I have wanted to get pregnant for a while and I finally got pregnant. I'm about six months along. Obviously, my body has changed a lot. I haven't gained an excessive amount of weight, but I am bigger.

For the past couple of months, my husband has been lovingly affectionate, but very little sexual play has been happening. We've had sex three times in the past month with zero foreplay and I'm horny. I've chalked it up to my body changing and he's just not. into it. Whatever. I know I'm not super attractive right now. But recently he said some hurtful things and chalked them up to jokes. For example, I shouldn't wear a two-piece bathing suit this summer. I don't need any snacks. On a scale, his attraction towards me would be a negative number. That's rude. Did he say that? Wow. Or is she saying that? She's saying, for example, I shouldn't wear a two-piece bathing suits

the summer. I don't need any snacks on a scale. On a scale his attraction towards me, but a negative number, that's pretty fucked up. Yeah. I'm at a point where I'm pretty hurt and finally said something. He brushed it off as me being sensitive and not getting his humor. It's really weird. Okay. He never made any jokes about my body or appearance prior to pregnancy and I'm trying to rationalize if I am being a little too sensitive.

Am I letting my own insecurities get the best of me or is he being a jerk? How can I get my husband to understand that now is not the time to make these comments or so-called jokes? Thanks for all you do, sexually and emotionally frustrated whale. Oh, you are not a whale. you're beautiful just the way you are and you're growing a human and I you have a right to be hurt

I know this I mean this seems very messed up I obviously like we're only getting her side but like from what she's saying it sounds pretty like not nice or like definitely would make it would make I think it would make any single person feel insecure especially if like they're pregnant and going through a thing and I also think even on a wider scale

I think a lot of people struggle even if they're not pregnant with like how to like get their partners to say things to them that they want to be said or like you know act a certain way that they're that they're feeling like get them to either compliment them or touch them or do something in a way that they want because I think everyone does like need different things when it comes to like feeling sexually attracted to someone or feeling like the other person is interested in you yeah totally I mean I agree I think there's two different issues going on here one One is like the frequency and the quality of the sex.

And then the other one are these kind of hurtful comments. So the hurtful comments, I think she, you know, she spoke to him about it already. And it sounds like he maybe got a little bit defensive and said, I'm just joking and wasn't super empathic about how it made her feel. So I might try that again if it's continuing, like if he's continuing to make those comments. Maybe he's not since she said something, which would you. be great, even though he was probably defensive and not super empathic towards her. Maybe he'll

stop, which would be great. But then what if he does stop? And she's like, well, he still feels that way. Right. Even if he like to do what I mean? I think that's also probably another thing in the back of her head of like, one, she's probably picking up on these comments because she feels insecure about how she looks, which again, is completely normal, I would imagine in that scenario. Right. but like and then you're kind of like oh he's not making the comments because I told him not to make the comments right but he still thinks that's still how whale or however she feels about herself right and I mean that's I guess the other thing is like is it okay if he is less attracted to her pregnant is that an okay thing like is that all right yeah I mean can you help that yeah yeah I you know

I think for men and again I always want to hear the other side if there's male listeners out there and your sexual relationship changed during pregnancy. We'd love to hear your perspective on that and what that's like for you. I do think there's a lot of things that can go into it. You know, I think a lot of men have a hard time. It's I don't, I really don't necessarily think it's because she gained weight. A lot of men almost have a hard time seeing the mother of their child as a sex object. It's like two separate, like once you are, I think they can get over.

but when there's literally a, like, you can see the form of the child, it sort of is like, it's hard to, for some men. It seems wrong. Yeah. It seems like the baby's in the room, like, you know, here. Right. You know, there's no privacy or even just this concept of being a mother changes their perception of their wife from being like more sexual to being more maternal.

So I think there's a period of adjustment that happens there. And so, you know, for her to take, I think she's jumping to the conclusion. And I can see why if he's making comments about how his attraction to her is negative. Right. Or that, you know, even just like her weight, that maybe it's like about her weight, but it might not necessarily be her weight. It might just be like the shifting role for him from sexual partner to mother. So that might be part of it too. But yeah, I mean, and I think there is something that changed.

for a woman with pregnancy where you might be, you know, more in the mood for sex and he at the same time that he's less in the mood for sex or he's not, you know, he's having a hard time with this shift that makes it feel like you're on different ends of the world. So yeah. So I guess like, I mean, obviously you want to have like a real conversation about like there's like two, like you said, there's two things. There's like the comments that are hurtful and then the feeling that he might be less attracted to her. Right. And she also wants more sex. Oh, that too. So there's three things. Right.

Right. So the comments are obviously like unnecessary no matter how he feels. Right. That's like almost like regardless of his feelings. Like everyone is entitled to their feelings, but they're not entitled to like make hurtful comments based on those feelings. And I would imagine again, there's probably like like you said, there's the desexualization of the mom and maybe just like the fear that things will kind of like maybe he's again. Let's say let's say he is just less attracted sexually because of the pregnancy. see. Maybe he has the fear that like you'll always look like this or like that like again like that his

the wife that he had before is gone and this is him like sort of how he's verbalizing the fear by making those comments of like, hey like please come back when you're done. Which is again. Right. Right. Right. A little messed up. Yeah. But I could I mean it's kind of like I understand the idea of like this person's looks are are changing and I'm a little scared of that. Right. Like it's not really. It's not really. It's PC thing to say. Right? Like no one, it's not really a socially acceptable feeling to say, I'm worried that my wife's looks will change and I won't be attracted to her.

Right. Because there is a thing that, you know, women, you know, after they have kids, their body changes. So that might be a fear for him too. And I do think like having conversations about it is helpful. I'm sure he has a perspective here that's, you know, maybe she's not being super healthy or maybe she is just kind of, you know, changing her whole way of, you know, and a lot of people do that when they're pregnant. They're like, oh, I'm eating for two.

I'm just going to eat whatever. And that's not the healthiest thing either. You still have to take good care of yourself and try to be healthy if that's something that's important to you. So maybe there is another side where he's being extremely passive slash directly aggressive about his feelings of what's going on for her. And maybe she's making lifestyle changes in addition to being pregnant. I don't know.

But it does seem like, and this is the type of thing that's like the hardest conversation to have. But I think at the end of it, they might be able to come out of it feeling closer for being able to discuss like you said, you know, sort of the elephant in the room in a real way, not like, ah, I was joking. Like clearly, you know, there's more to it than just I was joking. Either he's not attracted to her. He's afraid of hurting the baby. He's, you know, afraid of her body not coming back. He's afraid of, you know, not seeing his wife as sexual. And whatever, there's something going on here, but he's not, you know, he's just saying

I was joking, which is not helpful. Right. And not nice. Not getting to the root of it. Yeah. And not nice. So you would suggest just like saying how she feels again, see if he changes his tune or like. Yeah.

I mean, I think it has to come up and it has to be like more of a conversation than just this hurt my feelings. I was joking. like or even if he was like I'm sorry yeah how do you really feel about this like we're married we're having a baby we're going to have to be able to have difficult conversations like and she has to be able to tolerate his real response which is you know whatever it is I'm not sure I'm just not feeling as sexually charged right now and I yeah I'm you know and that's sometimes great conversations and like she doesn't have to be his therapist and maybe he needs a therapist and or she does

becoming a parent is a huge life transition that I think a lot of people probably do need help with, but to be able to maybe the conversation doesn't happen with her, maybe it does happen with a therapist, but to have that conversation where she says, well, let's dig in a little bit. What are you really feeling? Are you afraid of me changing? Are you afraid of our sexual relationship changing? I don't know if he's capable of having that conversation, but that's the conversation that needs to happen. What is he afraid of? Right. There's some fear there. I feel like the best way to get someone to tell you what they're scared of is you start. art. So, and I think that she clearly has fears that he's, I'm scared. When you make those comments,

it makes me feel really terrible because I feel, I already feel like you're not attracted to me. And that makes me feel really insecure. Right. And I'm already having this baby and so much is changing. And that's just like another thing that is making me feel really like upset or anxious or worried or scared about the future. And I think that like when you put it in terms of that, if you have a caring partner, they probably want to like, they're more motivated to have that conversation. because they want to like help you not feel bad right if yeah if there's if there's love there and I think there's also again bringing it up as sort of like I miss the sexual chemistry we used to have like I loved having sex with you I loved you know you know when we did this or when we did that

or whatever like I really I want to stay connected to you and I feel like we're drifting away in that department and that's it's important to me because I really love that about our relationship. So kind of, you know, phrasing it in this way where maybe he can remember like, oh, yeah, that was really fun. I really did like that. And I want to attend to this situation so we don't just right sliding down this hill to nowhere. Do you have any tips for like how to bring that up in a way that does like when, because again, we're saying it now like removed from the situation, not charged at all by it.

And I personally have struggled with bringing. things up where I'm not like reacting in anger being like you're really insensitive or you're really whatever and I do think it's difficult to like find the entry point because usually the entry point is when the comment is made. But when the comment is made it's almost the worst time to do it because now I'm like pissed off and I'm not going to be like expressing my feelings in a I feel hurt kind of way. I'm expressing them in like a you're an asshole kind of way. Right. I agree with you. She needs to do this in a place where she's able to, you know, maybe this episode even listening to the fact that it's not that he just is repulsed by her. It's that he's going through his own process of whatever that is.

So she could take the sting of it out a little bit and stay cool and calm enough to be able to bring it up. Maybe she initiates sex and he's not into it. And that might be a moment to say, you know, let's talk about this. I've noticed a change. You know, this is how it makes me feel. I'm really curious. I want to know what you're thinking and feeling. Like curiosity is a great way to open up this conversation instead of saying like, you're

an asshole, you said this versus saying like, I've noticed a change. I want to know what's going through your head. I want to know how you're feeling. Please like talk to me about what's going on. This is how I feel. And I really want to know how you're feeling. But yeah, I mean, maybe if she feels very rejected, if he says no to sex, that might not not be the best moment if she's not going to be like, you know, calm enough to have the conversation.

But that's the hard part, right? When the waters are smooth, you don't want to rock the boat. Right. By bringing up the thing that's going to cause contention. And then when it, when the contention is already there, you don't want to amplify it. Right. So yeah, I do think it's difficult. But I mean, if that didn't work, I always find that threatening couples therapy usually for, gets the person to get them, gets them to, okay, let's have the couple. Right. conversation. I actually do think that if you're like, because that amplifies when you say, like, maybe we should talk to someone together about this, then that amplifies in the other person's mind how important it is to you. Right. Because it's not just like a passing thought. But if you're set,

you're kind of like upping the ante of like how much this means to me. I haven't actually been to couples therapy, but I've like discussed the potential idea. He's threatened him with it. I've threatened him with it. Many times. No, I'm kidding. On occasion. It does, to me, it's almost like, this is not something that's just like irritating me right now. This is something that's like really bothers me that I've been thinking about a lot that is a serious thing for me, that I really want to resolve. That's very important for me to resolve. And so I think when you say that, the person's like, okay, like,

they're either like, okay, let's get someone to help us out with this. Or they are more open to, again, taking it seriously and having a real discussion about it and getting through it on the other side. And like you said, it always brings, I think, the two people closer when you you're letting your guard down and just feel like you can openly say how you feel. Right. Yeah, you just have to get over that hump of like this is not going to be the easiest conversation and just do it. Just rip off the band-aid and have it. And I agree with you. It might be, you know, if he really is just like, oh, you're being too sensitive. I didn't mean it like that. If she continues

to get that response, then yeah, I think it might be good to say, well, look, let's make, I, I think we should talk to someone else. So it seems like you really don't want to talk. about it in this context. So like I think we maybe need some help to, you know, talk with someone else. And then he might just be like, okay, fine. I'm either going to talk about this now or I'm going making a payment and pay someone to talk about this. Right. Yeah. So yeah, I think it's a good, it's not a bad way if she's trying a bunch of times and he's avoiding the conversation to that point. But it's also, again, like I have said before, weddings, babies, these things bring up a lot of conflict that needs, it's coming up for a reason.

It's like some underlying stuff that needs to be addressed before you get married or before you have a baby that like there's going to be uncomfortable topics that you are going to have to be able to, you know, bust through your avoidance and have those conversations. And if you can kind of desensitize yourself to it now, while before the baby gets here, it's much easier to have this conversation now than it is when there's like screaming baby in the background or you know you're both exhausted and overtired or you have multiple kids so now's the time to kind of you know practice the communication it could potentially strengthen the relationship to a way that was like much stronger than before you even talked about it as opposed like you think

it's going to be like oh we're like people are like oh I don't want to admit that we have like an issue yes but like if you admit it and you work through it then it's actually like better than it was before you had the issue supposedly yeah 100% because I think what happens, and then it also expedites it because what happens is you start, once you're talking about the issues and you're figuring out whether it's through couples therapy or just on your own what the patterned issues are, after a while you don't even have to, you're just like, oh, here it is again. We're doing that thing again that we always do.

You're feeling that way that you always feel. I'm feeling that way that I always feel. Here's how we've decided in the past is the best way to overcome. that and then you can just like wake yourselves up get that reminder we're falling back into old patterns and fix it versus you know it's not once you start to notice that you don't have to necessarily have the whole conversation every time you just have to have like the reminder conversation oh remember when you said you were going to try to do this well now is the right you fell off the wagon and that's normal you know like when you're pushing someone

against their natural tendencies everyone's going to do the thing that they're partner ask for the first few days after the fight or a few weeks or whatever. And then you tend to fall back into old patterns. And that doesn't mean you don't care. It just means maybe you need a little reminder and you come back. So the more you have these conversations, I think the easier they get and the faster you can resolve these situations. Right. And then like that also just makes you understand and know the person more. Yes. And that feels really good, actually. That improves sex. That makes the whole relationship more fun when you feel really seen and understood and that your knows your insecurities and loves you anyway, like that makes for amazing sex and amazing.

That's a real connection. Yeah. And that's kind of like the thing. It's like if you anticipate, I think I read, I think I heard this somewhere. I forget where, but it's like the ability to like anticipate the way that someone that you're with like your partner is going to react is like true closeness is that's like almost like the highest form of knowing someone. Like if I know something I say to like if I know how you're going to react and anything I say

to you, that's like me actually. knowing you. And then I can also like use that information to not necessarily edit yourself, but like bring up topics in a way that's digestible for you or, you know. Totally. Although Jeff will often say to me, so you knew how I was going to feel and you did it anyway. I'm like, you're right. I did know how you're going to feel. I did do it anyway. The pitfalls of marrying a therapist. Right. But yeah, I agree that it does help you create that pause where you can stop and say, okay, I'm aware of how this person's going to feel and I have a choice of how I want to move forward.

Right. And that's kind of like, I mean, like, long-term relationships get so much shit for being like, you know, the bad parts of them. But the best parts of them is that you're, you know what I mean? Like you know this, this is like the devil you know. Like you know this person inside. You're past that stage where like, in some ways, like, oh, I'm constantly discovering how you react to new things.

It's like, okay, like, I know I already like, I've been at this job a while. I know how things work around here. Right. And like I can use that to my advantage to make everything like run really smoothly and go the way I want it to. And that's something that's like, I think a really cool part about a long term relationship. Totally. Yep.

And I think having these conversations is the way to get there. You know, you could be married. I've seen couples that are married for 30 years and they just have avoided these conversations so they don't really know each other versus a couple that's been in therapy and talks through things and has these conversations and is able to talk non-defensively like you could just avoid ripping off that band-aid for 20 20 30 years you know yeah if both people really don't want to talk about it badly enough that's kind of happen and that's sort of the worst case scenario that you know that you just have these like lingering resentments over the course of all these years

that you just never have the opportunity to to talk through yeah and And you go through the relationship and you get along fine and you live your life, but the connection, the deep, deep intimacy and all that is, is not there without it. So avoidance is powerful. It can really, you know, take you through your whole life. Totally. Well, this was a good ad for a couple's therapy. Yeah.

Unsponsored app. Should we get into our game? Yeah. Let's play Triggered. Okay. Let's play a round of Triggered. In this game, we're taking your emails about feeling insulted or wronged. And I'm going to tell you just how offended you should be with the score of the grievance on a scale of 1 to 10 telling us just how offended you deserve to be.

Again, if you have a triggered situation, please email us. We don't have skin in the game. So we will tell you objectively if you are being oversensitive or if you deserve to be triggered. So email oversharing at batches.com with your triggered moment. All right. I'll read the first one here. I consider myself very good with money and I'm normally the friend who pays the bill to get points, LOL, then Vemmo's everyone their share.

We've done this as a group for so long. I usually do it without asking. Recently, by a group chat, they all ganged up on me saying that I'm being controlling and judgy by always handling their money. Worst of all, they shared that they've always felt this way. I got so upset that I stopped talking with them all together. Am I being too sensitive? I'd give it a seven.

Yeah. I think it's kind of, especially if you, if it's something that you've like prided yourself on, that's like the worst when you're like, right. I thought this was like, I was doing you guys all a favor and actually like. Right. And it makes her probably think back to all the dinners and all the things were behind their back. Maybe they're all looking at each other like rolling your eyes about it that they haven't commute.

Like they've always felt this way. So that feels like there's been like she's been, you know, that there's been some conversation behind her back. Right. Perhaps that doesn't feel good. Yeah, it's like the delusion and the idea that like someone's talking shit about you for this thing that you thought they'd be like, you thought was like praiseworthy. Right. Right.

Right. But so on the flip side, I mean, yes, I agree. I agree with your ranking. I think I would be really hurt and I think I can understand why. But I also think it's a moment for her to reflect and realize that, you know, you can't assume that people want those decisions made for them just because you've done it two, three, four times. it's still worth asking, hey, guys, do you want me to put this on my card and you guys can memo me back? Like, I think there should be that conversation every time. So I think it's an opportunity for her not just to get offended and defensive and feel bad, but to reflect and say,

yeah, you know what? That probably wasn't, you know, the right way to handle it. Or, and next time, if you don't want me to do that, I would love for you to just tell me sooner. Probably. I didn't. I had no idea that you guys like didn't want me to do that. Like please next time let me know like as soon as it happens so that I'm not continuously doing something to annoy you. Yes. I agree. I'm, you know, that's actually a really good point that, you know, again, communication.

Somebody should have jumped up and said, oh, you know what? I'm going to put it on my card today or you know what? I want to pay cash or whatever it is. Like somebody should have popped up and said, I feel differently about this or I want this handled a different way. So yeah. I agree. And that makes it feel like, oh, you're like the end of like the running joke that like,

this is what you're doing. You have completely not to your knowledge. And I think everyone probably has a cork about them that other people like kind of talk about that they're either aware of or not aware of that. And that to me is not that big of a deal. It's kind of like what you stay behind my back is none of my business. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. No, it's true. I, I look, but they, you're right. They should have said it sooner and, you know, just like controlling and judgey. So I do think as much as this is offensive, it's a good point for her to look at. What do they mean by how she being judgey about their money? That's a good point.

What's the judgment element? Yeah. I would wonder. Like maybe she, you know, she decided, you know, how, what they spend their money on. So I think there's a good point for reflection. But yeah, that's not nice to know that your whole group of friends have been feeling one way.

But I don't think you need to drop them. And I think you could also say like, I'm sorry if I ever felt like, Like I was, you know, over extending my hand here. I actually thought that like I was being helpful. And if I'm not, that's totally fine. We can do it a completely different way. But like next time, I would appreciate if you told me that.

Yep. I don't think this needs to turn into whatever she said. Like I've stopped talking to them. I think this is a perfect opportunity for her to acknowledge her piece in it. Ask for some better communication on their end. And then move on. Move on. Yep.

Agreed. All right. Let's do another one. My childhood friend is getting married in a few months, and her younger brother has asked if he can propose to his longtime girlfriend at the reception. My friend obviously said, hell no, and that he can do it literally any other time. This is her and her fiance's day, not his.

She is holding her ground, but now her family is saying that she is being selfish. Is she in the wrong for being upset that her brother and family are asking? I'll leave this one. I mean, give me your rating. You just got married. So how would you feel? I'm the person who's getting married in my...

I would give this like an eight or nine on like how annoying it would be. It's like kind of like I wouldn't be like triggered by it. Like this is like I guess is annoyed the same thing is triggered. No, I think triggered is more like this is hurting my soul and my heart. You know, like this is creating like a. Oh, no. I think this would annoy anyone to be totally honest. Like to me this is like would be like universally annoying.

And again, only because I'm the very fresh off of the idea of like knowing how much like time and money and energy is spent planning this day for someone to like co-opt it into being about them would be like I think annoying for anyone. Like I would get over it if this happened but if someone asked me beforehand I would definitely say no

like if it just happened I would be like I wouldn't like break down and run out of the room and like ruin the whole night. But if someone asked me before I would definitely say like I would rather you not. Right. Or the way she said literally any other time. Like even if it was like four hours before the reception or, you know, after the reception was over or like literally any other time.

The only worst thing would be during the actual ceremony. Totally. And I think the reasons for that are just like extremely valid. And I'm surprised that the family is not self-aware enough. Yeah. I think the people at the reception would almost be like appalled at the fact that this was happening at the reception. Totally. I think you could say like I don't think, I think the guess.

would like think ill of you right yeah and you and I think that's actually true like you might not get the like I want like wouldn't you want this day to be about you like the day that you get engaged don't you want that day to be about you like you're doing it on a day that's not about you yeah and you might not get the enthusiasm that you might get from a different right time especially any women in there that are about to get married or have recently gotten married or have gotten married ever in their life would probably be looking at this. Like, that is not cool. And I'm not going to be as, you know, effusive about my feelings of joy for them as I would

be if this happened literally any other time. Totally. And if they are selfish enough to not have any concern about what that would be about your day, you could make it about them in that way of like, right. No one's going to like. When all else fails, shame them. Exactly. Did you give this a number?

I'm just curious. I think I said eight or nine. Yeah, yeah. I would say. And again, I don't think it's trigger because I do think the idea of like a trigger is like, I don't think I'm like, I'm not even like, oh, I'm this huge wedding person. I need to be the center of, like, if I think that, that would be an instance where it would be like triggering because not everyone needs to be the sense.

Some people need to be the center of attention or they have a thing about like their wedding day in particular, which I don't think I am. Right. But I think anyone on any scale of any. bride, even if she was like the most low-key bride, which I would say you were probably like up there and like, I'm low-key. Like, I'm not like an attention or. I don't need like everything to be about me. But I think you, anyone would be annoyed. I would not have wanted that. Yep. I actually wouldn't have cared if it was like the day before or the day after, but like during the actual

reception. Yeah. That's absurd. Yeah. absurd. All right. We'll do one more. Yes. All right. My husband keeps getting upset that I call our dogs my babies. He says that it's creepy and lashes out every time I mention it. Neither of us want kids, but my boyfriend says that the dogs are pets, not kids, and there's a difference. I do admit, I might take it overboard sometimes, but mostly as a joke. Should I be offended? I would say, I'd give this like a three. I don't think it's that offensive that he doesn't want you to call them your babies personally. I think it would annoy me a little bit if I were the husband. Right. Yeah, you know, I obviously, I'm a therapist. My take on this is that maybe there's something underlying, which is why it's triggering for her. And it sounds like it's triggering for him,

actually. Right. More so than her almost. Yeah. It sounds like he's getting triggered by her calling the dogs, the babies, which is just funny. I mean, people do that, but I think he's getting triggered by, because maybe he thinks she's changing her mind. Yeah. Or maybe he's changing his mind. Maybe there's some more conversation that needs to be had. On the surface, I don't think this is super offensive. But if there's some underlying stuff that's not being spoken about, I could see why.

Like, if they had kids and they had a dog and he was just like, it's annoying when you say that, I don't like like it. I think that'd be different than I agree. Like almost the fact that they don't, that they supposedly don't want kids. is probably what's making this whole, like, thing amplified. He's like, well, I didn't want a baby and now you're saying babies or something like that. Or maybe he feels almost like, I don't like more of an in front of other people thing, you know, like she's, that could be like they don't want babies, but she's like pretending that she has babies and maybe he just thinks it's like not a good look or something in front of other people.

Yeah. I don't know. Maybe it's embarrassing for him if that happens. Yeah. Yeah. I think this is more his issue, to be honest. I don't know. She wants, you know, I feel bad.

She wants to call them her babies, you know. I guess. Well, what do you do if your partner keeps saying something that's annoying to you, even if they think it's cute? Yeah, I mean, look, I say this to my kids. There's this constant thing in my house where my kids are just trying to annoy each other. That's like a sibling thing. So I'm constantly debating between, do I tell the one kid to just like brush it off and ignore it?

or do I tell the other kid, they told you this is annoying, just stop it. So like, I should probably not be getting involved at all and just let them figure it out. But I usually go towards like, you know it's annoying her.

Just stop saying it. Right. And if it stopped annoying them, the other person would probably stop saying it. Yes. Exactly. Although I don't know if that's the case with married couples.

You'd imagine they're like a little more mature than that. But. Right. Yeah, I wonder if she's saying, it like more to like irritate him or something but um yeah i mean just if it's annoying him i would just stop saying it and if she if she doesn't want to stop saying it then there's yeah there's more to talk about here or she could say it when he's not around someone else get it out of your

system yeah all right well i think we uh think we solved these people's problems all right that's our time great work today oversharing is produced by sean kilby horhe marilla spico and Rebecca Siles McCown. Editing by Missileo Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Friedlander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.