Oversharing - How To Get Over Making A Bad Decision

Episode Date: March 14, 2023

Jordana and Naomi are back with an Oversharing email from a listener who is feeling lost after her therapist terminated their session. Jordana then asks Naomi if she’s ever had to break up with a client. The Betchicist topic this week is from “One Regretful Betch’’. Can she ask her ex-situationship to delete her nudes without feeling remorseful? Then, they move on to Naomi’s intention segment, where she offers some advice to a pre-med student who is contemplating leaving her friend group. Can she “consciously uncouple” with her friend group? Or should she wait for them to break up with her? To close, they rate some Triggered scenarios about two dates, a cheap one and a sneaky one. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. Naomi, I've missed you.

We're recording a little bit later than we usually do closer to when the episode comes out because you've been on a family vacay. We did it. And I'm usually the one who goes on. the excessive beach vacays. Do I look, do I look tan? I have to say not really. Are you being sunsafe?

It looks like you're being healthy and sunsafe. Yeah, I'm being pretty sunsafe for the most part. It's actually funny because there were a couple of things that happened on the trip that I want to tell you about. One of them has to do with being sunsafe. And just my whole, you know, my whole mentality is kind of like, relaxing into it. Don't, you know, like trying not to stress. So even with, you know, sunscreen and whatnot, I'm not that person that's like going to be crazy. I'll put a little bit on. And then,

you know, if I feel like a tingling, warm sensation, I'll put a little bit more on. But, um, so Lila for the listeners, who's my 10 year old and she's very responsible and also has her dad's fair skin jeans. So the whole time, you know, every like half, an hour. She's like, do you think I need more sunscreen? Do you think I need more sunscreen? So I'm like, you're good. Your whole face is white. Like, I think you're fine. Like, relax, have fun. Like, you know, go swim, do some stuff, you know, and she'll come back. Well, it's good that she didn't want to get burned. I feel like a lot of kids are the other way around where they're like refusing to put anything on. Yes, and that's Brooks. But, you know, but Lyle's like neurotic. So then at the end of the day,

And this was like my, me talking to myself about like my relaxed parenting and for all you moms out there. And I'm always kind of like, all right, you know, take it easy. It's everything's going to be fine. Like don't spend your whole life stressing and try to find time to enjoy because none of it really matters that much. So long story short, at the end of the day, she's like, I got a sunburn. And I'm like, how did you possibly get a sunburn? Guess where her sunburn is on her whole body? on her back oh she didn't put anything on her back oh on her back which is like my job you know

like her back is the one place where she can't put her own sunscreen on and it's the one place she got sunburned so I felt terrible and I was just like feeling badly for too chill a little too chill but it's funny because it's like it made me think about this podcast and the listeners and like that balance of I was a I was like relaxing and enjoying my time and not like stressing about my kids getting sunburned or whatever and then the cost of doing business with that is that sometimes you do have a kid that gets sunburned or you do have you know something negative that happens as a result of not worrying about everything all the time um so kind of striking this balance of like is it worth

the occasional sunburn to buy all that time of like peace of mind. I mean, granted, it wasn't my sunburn. It was my kid's sunburn. We'll have to ask Lila if it was worth it for the peace of mind for you. Right. Also, I mean, it's a nice, like for her, like, obviously it seems like she's pretty on top of it. But now she'll next time she'll be like, and I need to remember my back. Yeah. Well, no, it's, it was really, I mean, that was why I was like, as I was falling asleep, I felt terrible because it was really the one place that was, probably my job to make sure that that was done. So I felt really badly about that. And I told her that. She loved it. She loved it when I told her that I felt really bad. That it was your fault. That's so sweet.

She was like, thank you for saying that. Was she mad at you? No, she wasn't. She was cool. I mean, it wasn't a horrible. And that's the other thing, right? It wasn't like a third degree sunburn. It was like one of those sunburns that was a little irritating for two days and then it turned brown and like it was fine. You know. That's the good stuff. Some people would say better red than white, although that's not probably good parenting. Right. So that was just an interesting moment of like how my kind of being chill does occasionally

the thing that you are worrying about ends up happening and maybe it's worth it. Maybe it's not. That's for everyone to sort of decide. Well, I feel like it's probably about a balance, right? Where it's like she would probably have less fun if you were like running around like after her with this bottle every like five minutes, like covering every square inch of her skin. Versus like, yeah, next time you'll remember the back. Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, totally. I've forgiven myself. I'm ready to move on. I've forgiven you too. I hope the listeners have forgiven you all. You know, there's someone out there that's like, what a horrible. We'll see if there's a review. Yeah.

So what was the other story? So the other story was this interesting experience that I'm sure some listeners have had. I don't know if you've had it, but it was like kind of a timeshare pitch situation that we found ourselves in. You do thought he'll sometimes encounter that at these like bigger resorts. Yes. So it was, I had never encountered this before, but we get there. And the morning after we get there, the hotel phone in the room rings, which is always like,

who is, what is this? So the woman on the phone is like, hi, I'm your travel concierge. And I'm here to help you with all of your travel needs. And I'd like to help you set up some dinner reservations while you're here. And we were both like, oh, great, because there was something that we were planning to do and we didn't really do it. And she was like, well, I'm going to meet you. I want to meet you like in person at this restaurant. And red flag.

Red flag, right? So I was like, why can't we just do this right now over the phone? But she was like, well, I want to show you all the options. And we have these excursions that you can do. And maybe you want to look at the options. for the excursions and I could show you what everything is. And I was like, okay, fine, this sounds great. It was like the first full day. So I was sort of like, all right, let's get this all done and we can enjoy our vacation. Long story short, they're selling a timeshare, right? We get there. And she's like,

doesn't say that, though. She's just sort of like, well, because it's your first time here, we're going to offer you like discounts on all of these things that you can do. And one of the things we wanted to do that we had talked about before we got there was going for a couple's massage at the spa. And the night we got there, I looked it up and it was like $250 a person or something. And we were like, scratch that. We're not doing this. It's too expensive for like a 50 minute massage.

So one of the things that she had in her bag of tricks was like a free couple, 80 minute couples massage. Sounds nice. Sounds really nice. Sounds like a good saleswoman. in addition to like a bunch of other stuff that she was offering, I was probably totaling, I don't know, maybe like, I'd say close to $1,000 worth of stuff.

But we had to then on a different day go and like meet with someone to just get quote unquote information about whatever, you know, vacation packages if we wanted to come back in the future. So long story short, we bring the kids and we go to this presentation, because I was like, you know, maybe it's worth an hour, you know, we'll go for it. We'll go for an hour. An hour is kind of a long time, but okay. Yeah, because it's like you're on vacation, the sun's shining, like, Jeff's kind of like, you're nuts. Like, let's just whatever. I was kind of like, let's just see what it has. And we had the kids. So like, you know how it is with, I was kind of like, all right, kids, at some point, I'm going to give you the wink. And then you can start like crawling all over the furniture. jumping. So you've agreed to do this because they've given you the free massage.

Yes. And like a bunch of other free stuff. Yeah. So we go and the guys going on and on and they're doing a tour and they're like, you know, schlepping us through the whole resort and like doing the thing. Got to sing for your supper. Right. So halfway through, I'm like, what are we doing?

How did I knew it. Like I knew it. I'm telling myself, I knew what this was. I knew what this was and I got I got us into this. So anyway, we finally get to the, you know, it's like three different people. They pass you on. And then I get to what they're trying to sell us. And it's like they want like $45,000.

Oh my God. Deposit. And I was like, I just, whatever is. I was like, just so you know. That's how you get the free massage. Right. Just so you know, we're not doing it. It's, it was insane.

So then we got, we pass along this person. And then they put, they call in like the. closer who's got the suit on and he's the guy that's going to try thinks he's going to try to and it was an interesting they used the sales tactic that um we learned about in in school and it's it's basically the the door in the face or the foot in the door you've heard of it like it's probably api psychology like yes i took that class in high school yeah so they were using the door in the face technique which is like for for the low low price of 45 000 you can come back to this whole for 50 weeks in the future.

And I'm like, I want to come back here 50 times? If you want this to be the only hotel you go to for the rest of your life, you can get $50 off each day. Yes, totally. So that was the door in the face. And then they start slowly like bringing it down and they're like, or you can, you know, put a deposit down to $450 and come back in two years for a

cheaper rate, which we also were like, get us out of here. Right. The sun's out. We've got to leave. Okay. I guess the question is, was it worth that for the free massage? You know what? So when we went to do the, I think it was worth it.

And it was funny because we did the couples massage and then they had this like hydrotherapy thing, which was awesome. I would highly recommend it. It was like a very meditative. They do like a sauna and a steam room and then different temperature pools and, you you scrub your skin and, you know, but it was, it wasn't a couple, that part of it wasn't couples. That part of it was like, we were separate, which was like men's room, women's room. Yes.

Right. Yeah. So it was nice because I was able to just do my meditation in there and breathe and like, you know, it was really, it was actually very, very cool experience. But while we're both separately and our separate hydrotherapy experiences, we were both thinking, was this worth it? Is this worth it? Like as we're in there.

So we came out and at the same time we were both like, you know what? I was thinking about, I think it was worth it, you know, like simultaneously when we got out of the thing. Yeah. Yeah.

I think for two parents that are like constantly with noise and activities and what out, like just to have that peace and quiet, the massage was great. It was 80 minutes. And then we went because we got part of the things you get like 75% off. So we got the free one and the whole experience was so awesome that we went and picked the kids up

from the kids club. And they were like, how was your massage? We're like, it was so good. We're going back again tomorrow. And Lila was like, you're joking. And I was like, no, we're serious. We're really going back again tomorrow. So we went back and did the same thing again two days in a row.

75% off is pretty good though. Yeah, it was awesome. It was good. I think it was worth it. It sounds worth it. Yeah. You didn't, it wouldn't have been worth it if you actually bought the timeshare. Yes.

If you had bought the time share. Yes. If you actually, then you're like a sucker. But it seems like you just did, you know, you sort of like did the little song and dance, let them listen. But I guess the, uh, moral of the stories, there's no such thing as a free lunch. Nope. As they, I remember the only thing I remember from Econ 101 was. Yeah.

Totally. They would, you know, and a tip for them is like, Let's do this at the beach, right? Let me be on my lounge chair with my Pina Colada and give me the pitch. I don't need to be like in this boardroom and this, you know, conference. They want your full undivided attention. I guess that's sort of the point. Yes, with their contracts and their pens and, you know.

They want you signing it right there. Right there. You sign right now. Here's what you can get. Exactly. It's a little predatory. But I find that all sales are sort of predatory. You never find a really honest, like, really, like really nice, honest salesperson.

Like, I find those people are not good at sales. Totally. What was funny. Besides the Betches sales team, of course. Yes. Then we'll get to the show. But I remember, mom tried, this was like probably a decade ago or longer, mom tried to get Jeff a, what do you call it, pharmaceutical sales rep job?

at one point, like a long time ago. He was like, oh, maybe I'll get into this. So she got him an interview and they had like a sales personality quiz that they had to take to do the job. And it was like, you know, if someone says no, what's the correct reaction? And he was just being honest. And he was like, say thank you for your time and walk away. Wrong answer. That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, he failed the sales test. And I was like, you know what? That's a really good sign. Yeah, that probably makes you like a better person. I feel like to just to be like a really good salesperson, it sort of involves like a little bit of deception and a little bit of being annoying. Yes.

So I was also never good at being. Also like a little bit of like extroverted like charm. I was always very bad at all of that stuff. Totally. And I always say like Mike and I are very classically terrible negotiators. Like somehow we wind up paying more. when we tried to negotiate. There's just a certain

personality trade board. I don't have it. But anyone who's listening who's in sales, let us know the best way to avoid these situations. Yeah. I mean, like you said, we got out on Skies. It worked out. It was like a feeding front.

Like when we went into the big boardroom, it was literally almost had like this visual image of like a shark feeding frenzy. There were all these couples and all these things. tables. Yeah. You know, with these guys in suits. There must have been, you know, 25 other people and this big huge room all doing the

same thing that we were doing. I just pictured like splashing sharks in a big pool. So we got out with our double day spa treatment. You showed them. Play the player. Right? Yes. All right.

I will read our first email. I'm glad you had a great trip. You seem very relaxed and zen. It was nice. So very happy for you. Well deserved. Thank you. Okay. I will start reading the first email. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, love you guys and the podcast so much. Thanks for taking the time to read and discuss. So I've been doing couples therapy with my boyfriend for two months, five to six sessions. For the most part, it's been helpful. And we've agreed we have liked our experience with her. A little background. We have been together for four years. years and fight a lot. It's exhausting. Yesterday we had a session and my boyfriend was basically trying to get the therapist to agree that my expectations were objectively unreasonable, folding blankets and cleaning grease off the stove. And she refused to agree with him. He started to get very upset and increasingly argumentative that she was putting him in his place and I guess not validating his experience. She kept saying to him she doesn't feel like she is able

to connect with him and she feels like he is preventing her from doing her job. She was reiterating that she is here to help both of us. She asked if this method has worked for him in the past and asked him if he knows why. Nothing worked. It was obvious that she was getting frustrated with him because frankly, he is difficult and self-righteous and apparently he doesn't realize it.

Okay. Eventually and pretty abruptly, I'm getting tense for this whole situation like I said if I'm in the room. Eventually and pretty abruptly, she said she is going to terminate the session because it is not productive. My boyfriend got very upset at this point

and said we are paying and deserve the hour. She said she will reimburse. us. That's when you know it's bad. They were finally able to talk it out and she said that her and him got into a cycle, quote unquote, and they apologized to each other. I hardly spoke the entire session. After the session, he was livid, basically through a temper tantrum and was so angry that I didn't agree with him. My boyfriend refuses to see her or another therapist again. I'm upset and concerned that his defensiveness has caused this and he doesn't realize how he is behaving.

He is convinced she's incompetent and has done nothing wrong. He is also upset with me for not siding with him. I'm concerned that this is a huge red flag on behalf of my boyfriend, but I also am a little curious why the therapist couldn't manage the situation. Is it typical for a therapist to need to abruptly terminate a session? Confused and exhausted betch. I read this one and I felt like I needed your take on this to see. Because I can imagine you've encountered this before.

I don't know. Why don't you, because you've done a lot of couples therapy. So why don't you like give the rundown on how typical or atypical this is and who you think may have been reacting? Right. So I, to answer her question, I personally have never terminated a session because I wasn't connecting with a patient. So that part, I mean, look, I'm not in the room.

I don't want to judge this therapist. But I've never had that happen. I've definitely felt frustrated with somebody who I feel like is not. open to change or open to seeing another perspective or open to seeing their partner's perspective or even my perspective. But all of that stuff is useful. So I do think the place where the therapist, you know, she obviously got overwhelmed. Maybe she was being triggered by something that he was saying, or maybe she was just having a bad day. I don't know what was going on. But that resistance, which is like, that's what it's called. And it's very common.

and it happens a lot. I think the resistance that he was having is something that she could have just been more curious about because it really, it sounds like they got stuck talking about like the blankets and the grease and whether or not that was a reasonable expectation when like it's not about the blankets and the grease. It's about, you know, why, what are these expectations from his girlfriend mean to him? Like, why is this making him so angry or upset or why does he need the validation from the therapist? Like, there was so much good, juicy stuff that the therapist could have used, I think, in a better way to help them.

That she, it seems like she might have missed the boat in terms of, like, using all of his resistance because there's so much valuable information. When anyone's getting activated in a session, it's an opportunity to be like, okay, we're touching on something. The harder thing to do is when someone's just like not in touch with their emotions, not having any emotions, not having any reaction, there's like no information. Yeah, there's no information to use. When someone's getting worked up, it's kind of like, okay, here we go. There's something here that's obviously playing into the rest of the dynamic of why this couple is coming to therapy. So I do think she missed the boat. Do you agree with the boyfriend that like they should not go back to this therapist?

I don't agree that like I could see where he's feeling like he doesn't want to do any therapy, but they obviously need it. And maybe this therapist wasn't a good match. I do think they could go back and simply say, you know, it seemed like his resistance was really triggering for you because that's, I think the therapist was being triggered. We're all human. I don't, you know, something happened. Maybe that's why she ended it because she was like, I'm not in the state to like, yes, to help you.

Good here. Maybe like you said, like there are people. Maybe she's having her own moment or just couldn't deal at that point for whatever. And I mean, it's a hard profession to be like, it's not a good day for me today. Right. To do when someone's relying on you. But I guess I would have, because it ever happened to you where you're just like, I do not feel like in the mental space to be able to deal with these people's problems. Yeah. I mean, for sure that, you know, you have those moments and that's when I come back to mindfulness and even like in the middle of a session, I might just have to like take a mindful breath and kind of be like, okay, I have to like reset. And that's why mindfulness practice, especially for therapists, is extremely important

because there are going to be things that people say that are going to trigger your own stuff. You know, that's just, that's part of it. You know, this is sort of a side note, but I have I have a couple that has a dog. and they always have their dog in their lap when they do the session. And he looks just like Ralphie, who's like my, you know. And so like there are times when I'm like, I can't look at the, I can't like concentrate. Like I need you to kind of like not have your dog in the room because it's distracting because it like brings up my own stuff about missing.

Ralph is my dog that I had for, you know, almost 15 years that passed away. So it was like, you know, it's triggering for me. So that's just a small example of something that's like, I can't bring my own stuff into it. And that's one of the number one things you're trained in is like how to handle your own emotions when I'm sure this therapist, maybe this guy reminded her of her father or her ex-husband or someone in her life and she was just, you know, overwhelmed. Right. I could see why he would be like feel really bad about himself after that session to where it's kind of like the person's like, you're sort of. terrible that I don't want to deal with you at all. Like I'm, that could I imagine, like we said, we've talked about this before,

like telling someone to chill kind of like makes them even angrier, like telling someone that you're like not, that you're like basically quitting this thing because of them would probably make them even angrier also. I would, I would think. I do feel bad for the boyfriend here in some regards. I, you know, I'm sure he was being resistant, but that would have been an opportunity for the therapist to dig into that resistance and see what that was. I hope he doesn't give up on it.

Maybe this just wasn't a good match and they can try somebody else or, you know, I'm sure he's not going to go back to this woman. I kind of don't blame him on that. Yeah. And after two months, I think, like, that's not so much time invested with someone that it's, that doesn't feel like you could try with someone else. If I were her, I would ask him, I would validate that that would be upsetting that someone, like, that her reaction would be upsetting.

Because I think I could see why he's like, you guys were kind of just like ganging up on me or this person was like being rude to me and you just kind of sat there. And again, I think that's probably not great for the relationship. So I think if she were to validate why he might be feeling really upset

about that whole experience and ask him like if he would feel comfortable trying a different person. And then, you know, like I think if you try two therapists, if the next person kicks him out, you might know he might be the issue. Right, right, right. You know, it's funny because I could almost see from her perspective, this is like some people's like fantasy of how therapy is going to go,

which is like my partner is so wrong that the therapist, you're so, I'm so right and you're so wrong that this therapist cannot even continue this conversation. Right. I don't think it's helpful, but I do think that some people's fantasy of how these types of things go. It might be validating on some level to her. Yeah, I could see. But, you know, so for her, yes, I think she has to, you know, validate him a little bit that, you know, it's a therapist's job to be able to deal with someone's resistance and redirect the conversation.

Like, it's not about the thing, you know, like, it's not about like the socks on the floor, the dishes and the dishwasher or the grease or the blankets. It's about what does it mean to you that she's asking you to do this? and, you know, so she probably could have redirected things in that way, which would have been helpful. But I also do think that she called it a red flag, and I would say, yes, I do think there's somewhat of a red flag here that he is, you know, so triggered by somebody telling him that he's wrong or not agreeing with him or that he's going to not even be able to like give an inch or meet the therapist, halfway or do any of the work. Right. So. When you're doing couples therapy, do you usually feel like, again, I know you wouldn't

say this, but do you ever feel like one person is kind of right and the other person, like one person feels like the victim and the other person does feel like the like, I don't know, aggressor or person causing the issues or is it usually not, never that simple? It's almost never that simple. I think sometimes there are people that are like louder and there are people that, are more aggressive in their tone and in the way they're delivering a message. And so my introspection is like, I'm aware of my tendency sometimes to my initial automatic thing is kind of like, oh, they're the problem because they're just being more, their delivery is more aggressive. But if you dig down and you

get under it, there's anger. There's probably under the anger, pain, fear, shame, all those like deeper, softer emotions and it's my job to kind of look underneath for that. So yes, I think someone that's coming in and screaming and being, you know, like stubborn and not willing to change and all that, there is this urge to maybe an automatic, quick, impulsive thought of like this person's the problem. But a lot of times when someone's that angry, there's like a layer is underneath that. So I would say most of the time, I'd say 99% of the time, it's a dynamic between two people that are causing an issue. Right. That makes sense to me more so. I mean, unless someone is like, there are issues where it's like if somebody is, you know, suffering from mental illness or there's like substance abuse or there's these kind of like external factors that are playing into it. Sometimes that's the thing that is the problem. Right. And it makes it seem like one person is quote unquote the problem, but it's really there.

illness, that's the problem. Right. And you can't really do much work without figuring that out. But as far as just two normal, healthy people with no extraneous factors, there's usually just a dynamic. And sometimes someone comes off louder and more aggressive and that tends to be very abrasive, especially, you know, for me personally, I think most people. So, but, you know, I always can stop and realize, okay, there's more to it than just this

presentation off the bat. Right. So you're like, I never, I never end a session. I always get paid. You will never get your money back. Now that, this, this was a really interesting question. I actually haven't heard of this in terms of, you know, I've, I've had situations where many times where some, one of the couple gets up and walks out.

You know, like somebody on the other side gets up and leaves. But not me. I've never done that. You're never quitting. They're the ones who have to quit. I have a lot of experience in sticking it out with intense emotions in the room. You know? Same zies.

I can handle that. Have you ever seen the show couples therapy on Showtime? No, I haven't. I've heard about it. It's kind of interesting. I think they're real sessions where you see people in like a few different, a few sessions with the therapist over time. I should watch that. Sometimes I feel like in my off time.

need like a break but I should definitely check it out. I feel that it's probably like too close to home for you. Right. To be like, no, there's, I do spend a lot of my, my free time like learning about things. So I think if there's a way, especially if it's a good therapist, I'd love to watch it. You're probably better than her, but she's fine. But she also show her with her own therapist talking about patients too. Oh, wow. Okay. That sounds interesting. So that was interesting. And then they show like it, it was like, it premiered before. It premiered before. before COVID and then like season two was like in COVID and then after it was, I thought it was interesting.

All right. I'll check it out. Maybe we'll talk about it. Okay. Let's do a betchesist. Do you want to read it? Sure. I'll read this.

Okay. Dear Dr. Naomi and Jordana, I love the pod and I'm grateful for all you do to make this world a better place. I would love your feedback on a delicate matter. While grieving the end of a four-year relationship with someone I love deeply, I engaged in a brief rebound situation with an out-of-state co-worker. We're in our late 30s, work in different departments for a large corporation and live on separate coasts. The colleague had been sliding

into my DMs for a year, but I always kept it professional. A couple of months after the breakup, however, I responded to a message, and we proceeded to have a mostly text-based relationship for two months. I was attracted to him and the situation was appealing because he felt safe and because it distracted me from the pain of the breakup. As the situation progressed, the tech Sexting became more provocative and eventually included sex and nude pics. We also went away on a weekend together, which was pleasant because we were both on our best behavior, and although we had decent rapport and good enough sex, the trip confirmed that I didn't want anything serious with him or anyone.

Moreover, some of his behavior that I found irritating at first became deal-breakers, primarily his quickness to anger and lack of impulse control. I finally ended it with him after he blew up at me for not immediately being responsive to his texts. His reaction was extreme and vacillated between rage and declarations of love. That always sounds stable. Is this the other guy? This is the other guy.

Yeah, exactly. The first email? He recently texted me with an apology and because we are colleagues who may have to interact in the future, I thanked him for the note and reassured him that I would be professional and respectful in any future work interaction. He replied with a selfie of him looking longingly at the camera, the kind of pick we used to send each other daily. I immediately blocked him on my phone.

That didn't work for him. I was probably taking this picture. He's like, maybe this will reignite. Right, right. But I know there's a possibility I will see him at a work event in the future. My question is, how do I persuade him to delete the nude pics he has of me? Is it even worth it for me to try? Because I've observed his inability to regulate his emotions, I'm afraid he may use them

to retaliate against me in the future. I am also very angry at myself for being so reckless and allowing the situation to occur. I know I was grieving and not in a healthy space, but I can't stop beating myself up over it. Any suggestions for how I can accept this regrettable behavior and give myself compassion? Thanks for listening and sharing your wisdom, warmly one regretful betch. Okay. Well, putting aside the nude pictures thing for a second, I do feel like she She was a little harsh to be blocking him just because he sent her a selfie. Yeah.

Personally, it seemed like a, like, and they were having like an, I would just have liked it and then not answered. Right. Or not even answered it. I don't know. Right. But that's, I guess, kind of,

that's not even what she's asking about because she seems fine with that. Right. Reactions. So I guess I won't even touch on that, but it did seem like, if you're trying to maintain like a pleasant interactive experience and like this,

person, you did dump this person blocking them doesn't seem like the most immediate best move, especially if you're not the one who's like more into them. And so it's not like painful for you to see text or reminders of them. So that was my initial thought on how to make this relationship seem like pretty calm and like nice and good. I would, I would suggest not blocking someone unless they're really harassing you or something like that. Totally. Yeah. I think. I I think she seemed really nervous by his impulsive behavior. Like somehow him getting angry with her about not answering and then, you know, that that whole thing, I think put her really on edge about his emotional instability.

So maybe that's where the blocking came from. But, you know, you could have ended it with longing, you know, selfie and just been done there. Then that was it. Yeah. Right. Because I think if there's any chance that she's going to get her, if she's going to have the conversation about the photos, I could see why she's nervous about it. The only way she's going to really productively have that conversation in a way that's going to make her feel better, because it's really about her feeling better. She's never going to know if he deletes them or not. It's more just for her peace of mind if he says something that makes her feel reassured, but I do think you need to, like, butter him up a little bit before you would have that

conversation. Like, I wouldn't suggest coming out of nowhere after blocking him for a month and then just being like, and also please delete my nude pics. Right. Yeah. I don't think that's the best mechanism. I mean, just from like a legal standpoint, if he were to, like, disseminate those or send those to anyone that is, like, illegal just so she knows, that's like a considered,

like, revenge porn. which is illegal, I believe, in like, most states. So that's something, I don't know if that actually gives her any reassurance, but something to keep in mind. But I agree. I think the best thing for her state of mind is to just approach it from a vulnerable angle. I would unblock him.

Again, you remember, you did dump him. So like, you could show, like, you could say, I'm really sorry. It didn't work out. you know there's like there's like a number of factors i just don't think we would be a good match i something that's been really kind of stressing me out a little bit is just knowing that i had sent you some pictures which i just like really wouldn't want anyone to see and like i i feel like i while i i don't necessarily i wouldn't even talk about if you regret sending them or anything like that i would just say like it would make me feel a lot better if i knew that you had deleted them

So like if you could just delete them off your phone, I would really, really appreciate it. And again, I wish you the best. And I hope like everything goes well for you in the future. Right. And I think she could throw in like an, and I'm more than happy to delete yours as a way of kind of being like, and I also have yours. And. Assuming she does have his. I think she said they both sent each other.

Yeah. Yeah. So one on that note and two, just kind of like, and I'm happy to do the same. same thing for you. Like, I respect you. I, you know, um, no hard feelings kind of thing there. But yeah, I, you know, I don't know that it's going to make a difference. I don't, she's not, I think it would just if anything. She's never going to know for sure that he did it. Right. So the only thing that will give her reassurance is one, what you said, which is that it's illegal to disseminate the photos. And that hopefully that can make her feel better just knowing that like it's not going to come out and like a work

email, you know, with a bunch of coworkers, just legally. But I do think it might make her feel better if they could end things nicely, because then she might just feel kind of like there's no hard feelings or he's not going. Maybe the fact that she did block him so suddenly makes her kind of feel like now he's pissed and he might, you know, more revenge or something like that. Do you think she should address the fact that she blocked him? Well, he might not know, right? Right.

Well, that's my thought. It's like maybe he doesn't know that she blocked him. So to say, I'm sorry, I blocked you. No, no, no, I don't think she has to. No, I certainly don't think she has to say that. But I think she could just say if, you know, just, you know, even if it's something casual, like just a smooth it over kind of a jokey, funny, because she's over it, right? The danger of reaching back out to an ax.

is like you're going to get feelings or you're not going to be able to resist getting together with him or he's going to say, I miss you, and you're going to say I miss you too, and you're going to get yourself back into a situation that isn't good for you. There's no risk of that. Which is what he was trying to do when he texted you, which I have to say, like having, if I had shot my shot with an ex and done that and then they blocked me, I don't know if I'd be like angry at them, but I would feel like pretty terrible. Marist.

Yeah. Yeah. Like, yeah. It's not like you sent you like a dick pick. Right. Send you like a picture like the ones we used to send to each other. Like I don't know. Again, that's why I'm kind of like, I don't know if it warranted the blocking.

Like I could see where she's a little nervous about his general personality type, but unless he's like a true sociopath, like I'd like to believe that most grown adults wouldn't seek revenge because someone ended like a fling with them. I would like to believe that. totally and the truth is if he shows his friend the naked pick of you you're never going to know it's not going to really matter it's not going to affect you it's not like he's you know sending it in a you know work email which he would get in big trouble for so i think you know if i were her i might just take solace in the fact that you know that's not going to happen and what you don't know

doesn't hurt you in terms of if he did you know and who's doing that really like oh look at this naked like people could find naked girls anywhere they don't need to look on your phone at your ex to see it a naked girl right it's not even it's not like she's like a celebrity too right where it's like I have this nude picture of Jennifer honest like no one's gonna it's not going to be that interesting for anyone to get his friends or whatever yeah yeah so I mean I would just kind of take solace and all of this it's illegal he has no real upside to showing it to anybody um but it I don't think, you know, I understand if she wants to reach out and ask him kindly to delete it, I would say something nice and kind and, you know, just have it be like a closure conversation

because it sounds like they didn't really necessarily, he didn't feel like he got closure. He was still trying to like lure her back in with his puppy dog eyes or whatever it was. So I think that's another option is if she did want to ask for it. I don't think it's crazy to ask him to delete it. but I would, you know, do it with a little bit of warmth behind it. Agreed. I think that's her best bet. But her last question, which I thought was something we could probably help with, any

suggestions for how I can accept this regrettable behavior and give myself compassion? Yeah, that's, it's tough because I think she was in a really vulnerable place. Obviously, I think most people in their right mind when they're not grieving and in a really vulnerable place are aware that like anytime you're going to send a nude that has your face in it at some you know that that might not be something that you want people to get their hands on so um you know i i i understand her regret i think a lot of people go through this you're not the only person that feels this way so i'll just normalize it but i think a lot of people have this experience um and i think you just have you know like you said you were in a tough spot you live and you

learn, I'm sure you'll never make that mistake again. And it doesn't mean you're a bad person. It doesn't, I mean, even if it did get out, okay. So what? Like maybe that's a way to look at it. Like even if, okay, you guys were dating, you sent him a naked picture of yourself. There's way worse things that people can do. It means nothing about your character. People do it all the time. Yes, all the time. And you were just being fun and flirty and like, you know, I don't think everyone. has bodies. They're all naked sometimes. And this wasn't someone, this was someone that you were involved with and dating at the time. So I really don't think there's anything to be ashamed about anyway. Agreed. And again, I think, yeah, you hear people do this constantly. So I don't think

it's like any sort of crazy, wacky situation. I can understand why she regrets it. I can understand why she's done it. I know many people who have done it. And I would just remember that. Obviously, you didn't like how it turned out. You don't do it again? That's the point of it. Yes. Totally. Okay.

Let's do intentions. Ready? Sure. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I am really struggling to navigate some challenging interpersonal relationships and would love an intention to help me cope. I'm finishing a medical school in the Northeast in a few months and I'm hoping to move back home to Florida for residency.

My current friend group consists of myself and three other girls in my class. If I'm being honest, the group is kind of a high. hodgepodge of personalities that I'm not sure I would have gravitated towards on my own. I kind of got swept into this friend group early on in medical school, then COVID happened and halted the socialization process and solidified our friend group. I have struggled throughout all of medical school feeling as though I don't fully fit in with this group. Many of them come from much more privileged backgrounds than myself, and there have been plenty of instances when I've questioned if our values and perspectives are compatible. Dynamics in the friend group have shifted

recently and there has been more drama, more clickiness, and more conflict than ever before. I'm really at my wits end with this group and have decided that I will likely not make an effort to maintain any of these relationships following graduation. I have not communicated this to any of them simply because I don't feel any of the friendships are meaningful enough to warrant that discussion. Though I feel confident in this decision, it's been very hard for me to continue to be around them and I leave most interactions feeling annoyed and upset. I'm feeling a lot of dissonance as I know that continuing to hang out with them regularly is taking a toll on my mental and emotional well-being. However, with only a few months left of school, I don't see the utility in initiating a friend

break up and causing a huge blow up right before graduation. How can I get through these next few months without being miserable or feeling like I'm sacrificing my values by continuing these friendships in an attempt to not rock the boat? In an ideal world, I want to be kind and be the bigger person, but recently it seems like everything they say and do triggers me and I'm having trouble moving past those feelings. I would love help with setting an intention that I can use in the moment when I'm feeling disconnected, frustrated, or hurt by this group of people to remind myself that this is temporary and more meaningful connections are on the horizon. Thank you both for your help, a lonely and frustrated betch. Yeah, it seems like there's a lot of different things going on here for

her. I wish we had her here because I would like to ask some follow-up questions in terms of I get there's an avoidance in like initiating a friend breakup when there's only a few months left to school. So I can I can see that she just wants to kind of ride it out. But why does she have to continue to hang out with them all the time? Like I almost feel like it's the end of medical school. I mean, you know, I know there's a million reasons that you can give for why you're busy or you're overwhelmed or you're going to go visit this person or that person or going to go home or, you know, things that you can do to make it like you can just sort of back away from the friendship because it sounds like one of the issues she's having is that she's like constantly

hanging out with them and feeling irritated. Right. Which is probably like rooter to them. It's like you hate us. Why are you here? Right. Right. I mean, I can understand why she does it because I feel like she's probably like, well, I don't want to sit in my room all semester and I'm not going to make new friends. It kind of reminds me of someone who's like dating someone that they're not that interested in before they're moving, but they're like, well, it's like something and like they're fine. So I'll just like, and I'm leaving anyway, so I don't really care. Totally. Yeah. So I guess that is the issue that she's kind of like, because she right, I think her sign off is like lonely. So I think she's kind of like, if I want to hang out with anyone, it's

going to have to be these people. So, yeah, so she has to kind of tolerate them. And then there's this, like, ethical dilemma that she's having, which is, like, how do I, you know, what is, I don't know how she phrases it, but like, I'm sacrificing my values by continuing to have these friendships. So that one, I think, unless you're doing something wrong or you're being unkind or you're engaging in some type of unethical behavior, just by association, it doesn't mean that you're a bad person. And I wish you would have said more about what is it about these people that

feels like it's sacrificing her values to hang out with them, aside from the fact that they're like rich. Right. Yeah. Right. No, she didn't say enough about what that is. That's something I would also ask her to sort of look at is it like is are there value or is it a values thing or are you being like judgmental like it was to someone who maybe has a different lifestyle than you like it's not like they're the bling ring and they're just going around like shoplifting cars and she doesn't want to be a part of that like if they like maybe spend more money on food or take extravagant trips that doesn't make them like bad people it just maybe like and like they're all in medical school. bad could they be. Right. That's a pretty, um, pretty giving profession, I would imagine.

Totally. So I don't know what that, what exactly is going on with that and why she feels like it's sacrificing her values. On the flip side, she says there's been drama, there's conflict, there's clickiness. And I think that that is something that, you know, if she does want, so one of the things that I wrote down, and again, I have a lot of questions for her, but is like go be with them, hang out with them. And you know, I use this personally all the time. I think you do too. If the interaction is starting to feel uncomfortable or is starting to make you feel like this doesn't feel good anymore, I don't want to be here. And I'm now I'm weighing being alone in my room versus like being out with these people and I'd prefer to be alone in my room. You can leave the

interaction at any time. If there is like actual stuff happening, And you might even be able to say at that moment, like, I'm just not interested in getting involved in this. You know, I'll let you guys figure it out. I'm going to go home and go to sleep or whatever it is, which might give them a little clue of like what it is about them that's bothering you. Because, you know, it sounds like I don't know what it is. I don't know if she obviously knows what it is. But, you know, you could say, I think it's a good little communication. to make them aware of what it is that's making you back off of the friendship.

Like, I don't want to get involved in this drama. I'm just going to, I'm going to go home early or whatever. I mean, that's, that's kind of the beauty of being in a situation where you don't really care if the people want to maintain relationships with you is that you can be your true authentic self and just say whatever it is your thinking and feeling. And like, let them break up with you if they don't like it. Right. You should just go into it being whoever you are.

And again, like, I would try to come into it if you're going to do it with like a little bit. If you're going to see them, if you want to keep seeing them, I would try to go into it with a little bit of a less judgmental attitude because, again, like, just because they're different. I don't, again, I don't know what she didn't give details about what it is they're doing, just because maybe they're clickier or they're whatever, or even any of that stuff, like, doesn't make them terrible people. And maybe, again, this was a friendship that did serve you for a period of time.

like not all friendships are meant to last forever. You can still appreciate the friendship for what it is, knowing that it's going to end, knowing that you're no longer going to be investing in it without like bringing extreme judgment to it. Again, unless they're like doing something really immoral on a regular basis, I don't think it's going to like really bring you over to the dark side to be going to brunch with these people once a week.

Exactly. And that's one of the intentions that I wrote a few. few because I didn't really know what the presenting issue was for her, but one of them that I wrote is I am not defined by others' behavior. So, like, you can hang out with them as long as it's working for you. You want to go to brunch? You're hungry. You feel like doing it. Go. It doesn't mean anything about you if you show up to this brunch and you eat your meal and you chit-chat with these girls and then you go home. And I also think, you know, you can prioritize your peace of mind and yourself by exiting the interaction at any time and becoming aware of the fact that you can leave at any moment

if you decide that the option of staying home alone is better than whatever you're experiencing when you're out with them. I think the other piece that she asks about is like that feeling of being irritated around them and that's hard. I think it's like, how do I, I kind of want to be around them because I don't want to be alone, but I'm constantly feeling, you know, irritated. and the intention that I wrote or something that she can remind herself of in those moments of irritation is this irritation is information and solidifies my decision to seek other connections. So instead of having it be like, oh, there's something wrong. Why am I here?

What does that mean about me? Like, okay, this is information. This is not, this is just solidifying the fact that I'm going to ride this out. And, you know, this is going to be over when I leave because this continues to happen. And maybe that'll help her feel like it's useful because the other issue she would have is if she has a great time with them and everything is amazing and she's not feeling irritated anymore. She might kind of be like, oh, maybe I should put more effort or maybe it's not the right decision

to abandon this friendship. So it's almost like, okay, this is just a reminder that I'm on the right track and I've made the right choice. Yeah. And if there is one person in the group that you feel like you are more compatible with, you can always try to lean into that friendship as well. Yes, totally. That's a good suggestion.

I would imagine this is only going to improve your bedside manner as you figure out how to deal with all types of different personalities and people and situations. So use it as a learning experience. It's almost over. Try not to be too, like, angsty. And I agree with your intentions. It's like if you're going to be here, like be there or go home right right totally and you can leave at any time but i like that you know

i like the idea of like maybe and we talk about this with all uncomfortable emotions is like sometimes when you're uncomfortable there's this urge to like make up a decision about something to prevent yourself from like if i feel uncomfortable now our brains go to this place of like okay, what decision do I have to make to prevent this from happening again? Because I don't like this feeling. And that's like a, that's a survival instinct. You know, like our brains take over and think immediately, what has to happen so I never feel this way again.

But maybe, like I always say, the better practice is just to say, okay, this is uncomfortable. This is going to be something that I can learn to tolerate in this moment so that, like you said, when I'm with a patient, I'm sure you're going to have patience. that are going to be really irritating, that you're just not, they're not going to take your advice, or they're not going to follow your recommendations, or they're going to be asking five million questions and second guessing your judgment because you're a new and young doctor or whatever it is that's going to happen. And being able to tolerate a feeling of being irritated by somebody is an important life skill. So it's another piece of this that you can just kind of take that

breath. This is temporary. It's a fleeting moment of irritation. I won't feel like this forever. And I don't need to do anything about it either. Yeah. It's funny. This reminded me of like I wonder, you know, sometimes when I think about like the way the other person would write in that the person's complaining about, thought about the person from like who had the coworker that they thought were friends and then she got a new job and she realized that they weren't friends. Like that person might be writing in shortly about their medical school friend that they thought were so close. And then they never. Totally. She's just hated you, been counting down the seconds until she got a new job the whole time. It is so funny to think about it from all the different angles and like how

so many people can perceive the same interaction in so many different ways. It's the beauty of your work, right? Yes. And it's okay. Some people are going to love you and want to be friends with you forever and some people are not and that doesn't make you a bad person. It just means that that's not your forever friend. You're not a match, as you say. Exactly. Consciously uncouple. Let's do some triggers. So want to read the first one? Sure. Hello, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I have a triggered scenario for you all. The other day, my fiance and I were walking around our city, and I was pointing out restaurants that I'd never been to and want to try. I asked if he'd ever been, and he nodded yes. I proceeded to ask what took him there,

and he mentioned he took a girl on a date there. I thought nothing of it, moved on, and mentioned some other nice, fancy restaurants, and asked if he'd ever. ever been there. He got quiet and said yes, and once again said he took a few other girls on dates there. At this point, I was annoyed. Not that he dated other girls before me, but that he took them to a bunch of the nicest restaurants in our city, while when we were in our early days of dating, he took me to a sketchy hole in the wall sushi spot, lots of walking and coffee dates and come over and hang out dates. I couldn't help but feel annoyed that he treated these other girls to lovely sit-down restaurants, well, I got a suspicious salmon avocado roll.

Oh, wow. The financial well must have dried up by the time I came along. I realize this is irrational, but curious if you guys feel me on this one. I like this. This was very funny. Yeah. I think I would be similarly annoyed.

It's funny because he clearly like doesn't, he's not like meaning to do anything wrong. But I would make me like reflect on our dates and be like, oh, weird, you've never taken me there. Very interesting. Totally. I think it's worth a conversation, like a real conversation, not like a, you know, what the fuck. Like a jokey, like or must be nice. Right.

How is the well? I wouldn't start with the well must have dried up. Right. But I do think that there probably is a thing. were like when he first started dating, he was all excited and went, you know, wanted to go to these nice restaurants and then maybe realized after a while this is like not sustainable. I can't just keep taking multiple women out for fancy dinners, you know, twice a week. So I do think she might be.

I didn't think of that. Yeah. I think she might be right on the idea that like, you know, there's only so much of that you can do. And then you see your credit card and you're like, yeah, how about a coffee? and a walk in the park, which, you know, I think is a very nice date. And it's solvable. He can take you now. Yeah, you guys can split the check and go now as engaged soon to be married.

No, but I would ask her also, like, what is kind of annoying you about, like, do you, do you currently want to be treated to nicer restaurants? Is that part of it? Is it just sort of like the feeling like, oh, like he didn't try that hard with you? Did that bother you back then? is that like I would sort of try to unpack your own sort of insecurity around and I can again I would feel the same way too because I had a lot of a dating anxiety so that would probably trigger something in my head to be like oh he didn't think that I was worthy of what I don't really think is the case

but that could probably lead you to discover some of your own maybe insecurities around your relationship and and how that impacts it totally I think also that maybe there maybe she does have some insecurity of like in how what did he think about her in the beginning what were his first impressions and maybe there's some insecurity that she wasn't worthy of that in the beginning of their relationship that he wasn't like you know super interested in her or thought that she was worthy of whining and dining in the beginning I doubt that that's what it is I really think that sometimes you know when you're first in a new city and dating and you know you're like oh I kind of want to try this place.

I might as well take this person with me or this is exciting and fun until you see the credit card bill and you're like, all right, time to reel it in. Right. But maybe she does have insecurity. Time to find dates that like me for my personality. Yes. I mean, that could also be like another positive spin of it. Like he kind of felt like you guys got along so well. It wasn't really about like the setting as much.

It was like you could, you sort of felt so comfortable with each other that you were doing and they come over and hang dates pretty early. Right. Or it didn't feel like it was like about that. slightly superficial like where is the date spot but I could see why she was like oh that was our thing but now she's like oh I guess it wasn't actually our thing right we didn't need it I guess just I didn't need it or something right right yeah I think this is a good conversation for the two of you to have and you could just be vulnerable with the insecurity and how it made you feel or you know and it could be a fun conversation like you said about the beginning and him just feeling like I feel like we'd known

each other forever and like we didn't need to do these formal dates like I just wanted to start living life with you you know maybe it'll turn into something that feels like more of a deeper connection um but I agree I I think it's worth a conversation some might say it's worth a it's worth a fight if you're in the right if you're in the right particular mood to be uh to be irritated yeah I could I could I could see it what would you give this I'd give it like a six or seven. Yeah, I could agree with that. I would have in that moment just been like, that's so interesting that you took all these dates to all these places when we were going to like the sushi plate, the food court at the mall

and our, right. What's what happened? Like you could say it. They're engaged. Like you could say it in a kind of cheeky joking way to an extent. Yeah, I do think, but I think it's, I'm sure there's some explanation. He obviously picked you. He proposed to you.

He wants to marry you. So like it's not that he liked them better. Or maybe he would have, you know, been with someone like that. Or, you know, there might, I just think there's some more stuff here. Maybe he just feels like you were a low maintenance girl and I didn't have to do that, which is, I don't think that's an insult that maybe is the truth, you know, whatever it is. But yeah, I can see being triggered. No, that's nice.

Yeah, I like that. Maybe we'll find out more. Let us know what he says. the reason of us. Yeah, please. I love a good follow-up. All right. Yeah, I'm curious what he says,

if they actually have a real conversation about it. All right, let's do one more. Hey, ladies, I have a scenario very recently brought to my attention that I wanted to get your take. My best friend is going on a vacation with her boyfriend and his family and extended family.

My best friend leaves on Sunday and she told me on Thursday that my ex-boyfriend of six years will be on that trip. We ended on really bad terms and haven't spoken since the breakup. Not sure how I should feel about this, I feel like she is just telling me a couple of days before because I would end up seeing photos

of them all. I would love to hear your thoughts, a very emotional fetch. I think this one's similar to the pregnancy test one that we did a few weeks ago where it was like the timing of the news. I don't think there's, you know, because she made a point to say that she told her on a Thursday and they're leaving on Sunday. I think that's irrelevant. Right.

I agree. clearly avoiding telling you because she knew you weren't going to love it. And there's going to be no good time for her to have told you that. So I agree. I think you can be like annoyed at a sometimes you're annoyed at a situation. And it's a little bit of a like don't kill the messenger thing. Or just kind of like if you're annoyed at a situation, you can off, it sometimes feels better to have like a target for your anger or irritation.

even if the person is not really deserving of that or couldn't really have done anything that differently or shouldn't necessarily have done anything that differently. And I've been in this situation before where I'm like sort of irrationally angry at someone for sort of representing a situation that doesn't make me feel good. Right. But you feel at least like it makes you feel like a little more validated to be annoyed at someone. Yes. I think that happens all the time.

Even with little little things, you know. know, like if some, I think it's just a natural human reaction that like something, it's again, it's the same type of thing of like our brain trying to size something up and then creating a calculation on like how to prevent it from happening again. And one of the ways that we do that is by finding something or someone to blame. So it just, it's an automatic reaction that happens so quickly and you kind of have to train yourself out of it. You know, it's even a lot of, like, for example, like, you know, just on a day-to-day basis, like if one of my kids spills milk, you know, on the floor or whatever, it's like, all right, it's no one's fault.

Really, it was like there was milk. It was close to the edge, whatever it is. But there's like this human reaction of like, oh, why'd you do that? Or like, why'd you put the milk there? Or, you know, why'd you fill the glass? It's like, no, sometimes annoying things just happen. But it's like our brain reacts so quickly to size. up the situation, assess blame in an attempt to prevent it from happening again. And it's just

happens so quickly. So I think in this situation, and people can be aware of it. Once you notice it, you'll notice it. You know, like the idea of something bad happens. And a lot of times it's nobody's fault. But our urge is just to pick someone and decide that we're going to project our annoyance onto them. And even if you know it rationally, it can still be like a pretty strong urge. But then when the feeling passes, like now you'll look back at when one of your kids spilled the milk and you'll be like, oh, it was silly that I got like irritated at them. Right. Because like they're really, nothing could have been done. But in the moment, it feels like, yeah. So there's, there's a target. Yeah. Yes, totally. And it comes from a place of preventing pain in the future. So it's kind of like, okay, if this person spilled this

milk, I can have a talk with this person and tell them not to do that again. And then maybe I will prevent this annoyance. That's obviously on a very, you know, micro scale. But if you know, you'll start to notice it in your life when sometimes bad things happen because they, the universe spins around and stuff happens. And it really is this, it's this weird kind of instinctual urge to assign blame when you're annoyed. And if you can become aware of it, it can be kind of life-changing if you're sort of like, okay, sometimes bad things happen and it's nobody's fault. You know, whatever. Like even if you're ordering food and the food, you're in a rush and the food comes late and then you don't have time to eat it and you're like, Mike, why don't you order

the food? Like, I told you to order it. You know, I told you to order it and you waited 20 minutes and then you order it. It's like, no, it's not really his fault because he waited 20 minutes. The universe decided that you had a meeting and you couldn't eat it. And, you know, because if he ordered it at the same time the day before, it wouldn't have bothered you because you wouldn't have had a meeting. What's the best thing to say to someone who's getting annoyed at you or someone else for a situation that they clearly didn't cause that you know they were irrationally irritated about? But they're in the mode of being irritated.

Do you just let them go? Do you explain this to them, which I doubt helps? I mean, what I do, which I don't know helps is like, I will just, a lot of times, and I say this in my house, a lot of times, like, sometimes bad things happen and it's nobody's fault. Like, I'll say that. But there's a time when people are not receptive to that because they're, like, physically activated. So it's like the same thing I always say when you're physically activated, nothing's going to really sink in. So I would, you know, wait a little bit and say, you know, I know you got mad at me about this thing, but like, I think it was just a bad thing that happened. it's really nobody's fault.

And that happens a lot. A lot of bad things that happen are nobody's fault. They're just the way the universe is coming together in that moment. Agreed. I feel more Zen for having heard that explanation. All right, good. And maybe next time you get annoyed about like a situation, you can just, you know, realize like just being aware of like the brain's tendency

to look around and seek out blame, it's a natural reaction trying to create an feeling of organization out of the chaos of the universe. But it doesn't really make sense a lot of time. I'm going to remember this next time I'm yelling at a JetBlue representative over my flight being canceled. Totally. When I project my irritation onto that person. But I think we helped a lot of people today. I hope so.

I like these emails. Please give us some updates. We love to hear them. if they're like the silliest little things or whatever because we care and we want to know what happens. It's kind of hard. This job is hard because we get, at least for me, like I get this stuff. I start to think about these, you know, listeners and hear their story and their conflict. And then it's like cliffhanger. So yeah, we want to know the ending. The listeners also want to know. So email us oversharing at Betches.com or you can leave us a little voicemail update at 646363-6294.

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