Oversharing - How To Get Your Partner To Take Action Without Nagging

Episode Date: February 13, 2024

Today on Oversharing, Jordana and Naomi conduct a dream analysis for a listener who is ready to find true love. Our Overshare comes from a Betch trying to manage her partner’s ADHD. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a listener on the brink of retirement. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for a bride-to-be who still wants her wild night out. And we’re feeling triggered by condescending sisters-in-law and being outed by gluten. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. So great to be back.

It is the day before Valentine's Day. It is February 13th. And if you're listening to this and you're single, and you're feeling a little bit of stress or you're feeling a little bit of anxiety or on Valentine's Day. I've been there. And I just want you guys to know that we have a meditation in our newly released subscription meditations that is all about being single on Valentine's Day. It's very soothing.

I wish there was something like that around when I could have used it. But there wasn't. But lucky for you, if you're a listener, there is. So go check that out. If you want to try it out, there's a seven-day free trial. if you try out the subscription episodes and you don't like it, you can cancel between seven days, but also in addition to two meditations a month, you also get ad-free episodes. So check that out. I love that meditation because sometimes it just feels like there's nothing you can do.

And I always talk about like, feel your feelings and whatever. And this is a way to, and people are just like, okay, I'm going to feel my feelings. Like, what does that really look like? So these meditations are a great way to lean into feeling your feelings in all these different, you know, categories of feelings that come up. And this one specifically, I think there's probably not a lot out there where you can feel validated to have these feelings, but also try to find a way out of them because, yeah, it's tough to, you know, it's a tough day when you're along. Yeah.

I think the key is like, again, for anything that you're kind of feeling is like there is that two-part thing where it's like you kind of like feel like you should lean into the feeling to feel it but then you're like but I don't I want to like get out of here also as quickly as possible so it almost feels like you have to do that so that you can move on yes with your with your day yes and this is designed to help you do all of that in like 10 minutes or less so give it a try if and even if your Valentine's Day isn't your particular trigger there's a lot of stuff out there so Yes, a lot of different meditations that you can see in the feed. So check it out.

Let us know what you think. I shared the death meditation because people, you know, wanted to hear it. So I hope you guys enjoyed that. So can we talk about that real quick? What was it? Did you do it? I did it like now. I think it did a couple weeks ago.

And I liked it. It was like a little just reminder of the impermanence. I still, I think, a little depressing. But good to be. I don't know if it's something I feel like I would should do every day. But, you know, every few weeks, I feel like it's nice for the reminder. Like, it's kind of sad to be reminded.

I'm sure, especially like if you have kids, like every day, like, oh, they're going to be dead one day. Yeah. Like, that's, I don't know. That's, I can't. I don't understand like the benefit of like feeling that way. But I, I always wonder also like if you're a person who's kind of anxious, is that a good idea?

Well, I do think. I think it is something that's better to do with a whole mindset towards gratitude and acceptance. And so I, you know, I don't know if it's the best thing to just pop into your, you know, listening rotation if you're feeling really anxious or depressed. So I would agree with that. I think it works well if you're listening to lots of podcasts like this where you're really just trying to be accepting and mindful and present. and this is a way to sort of, you know, just accept that you don't have, it's more about accepting your lack of control. Like if you do feel like you're really a controlling type person and you need the world to

cooperate with you, this is a good meditation for you to kind of be like, the world is never going to cooperate with me. Because at the end of the day, the thing that I don't want to happen the most is going to happen. So sort of forces you to kind of be like, okay. So if like my Uber is late or if my boyfriend got me a single red rose and that's like an ick for me or whatever, like I can kind of roll with that a little bit because I'm going to die at the end of the day and this is not a big deal.

Right. That kind of mindset. So I think it depends. If you're, I wouldn't recommend it. I agree. If you're extremely anxious, if you're having like a terrible day, this isn't like a meditation to do as like a SOS. I'm having a panic attack.

Let me listen to a death meditation. There's a time and a place. It's more for when you're trying to deepen your mindfulness practice, I think, is a better way to look at it. Right. I think that's a good tip. I think it's definitely worth a listen if you can get in the zone. It's good in the right place and time.

But we have a dream submission for today. So I want to get into that. Also, if you guys want to leave us a voicemail, 646-363, 6294, or you can email us at oversharing at betches.com, but I'll read our first dream segment. All right. Let's do it. Do it. Hi, Drodin and Dr. Nome.

We have a really interesting dream from last night that I want you to analyze. Background. I'm a single 25-year-old female. I've never had a serious boyfriend, but I go for unavailable or unattainable guys who are popular, hot, and not very nice. Sounds like my type in my 20s also. I'm aware of this pattern and have found it hard to be. to break. I'm a benefits you up subscriber. Recently, I made a shift in my head to start believing I

will find a guy who's hot and nice. That's all to say, I have a great job that keeps me very busy, a full social life, and I generally enjoy the freedom of being single. I think it's also relevant to mention my mom is undergoing treatment for stage one breast cancer, which has been hard, complicated, and very unpredictable. It's been a tough month. My dream. I was in an apartment alone while there was a crazy storm happening outside. Rain, wind, thunder, lightning. I remember feeling very scared in my dream and stressed because my friends were supposed to come over. It's raining so much in the dream that the streets outside start to flood and I can

see some water flowing into the apartment and I get even more worried. Just as my friends arrive, they break the door into the apartment so I can't shut it all the way, letting more water in. I'm feeling very panicked, but they're trying to help me and I don't let them. I try to fix the door myself to stop the water. Just as I'm attempting to fix the door, this tall, handsome man appears and says, let me fix this and reattaches the door for me.

I clearly remember him being French, which seems like an odd but fun detail. For some reason, I'm immediately eased by his presence in the dream and my panic goes away. Then I wake up. What do you think? A batch looking for her dream man.

This dream is awesome. To me, when I hear it, it's all pretty self-explanatory. about sort of what she's... Well, I think that she gives the context of like her life. Yes. Right. Totally.

And it's interesting because I think what happens for a lot of people is like, like romantic relationships or situations, serve different purposes at different times. So like when you're in kind of like high school and college and in those younger years, they're fun. They're like fun fuel for conversation with your friends. you know, you're just kind of all talking. It's like a bonding experience. You're learning how to navigate relationships. And it's it's a little ego based kind of like, you know, I want this person

to find me desirable so that I can feel desirable and good about myself and all those things. And I think now that her mom is sick and she's going through this bigger stuff, she's kind of like, I need someone more than that. Like I need more than just. just you're hot, you make me feel pretty. I need someone who's going to actually maybe be there for me in a bigger way. Right. No, that's it. I didn't even think of the, the mom aspect is having that impact, but that's, uh, that's very, I think probably true observation. And I think the idea of like the flood and like the friends like not being, maybe it's also like something like the friends not being able to like save her from the flood is like, I have this strong

friendship connection, but like, I still feel maybe kind of alone or kind of feel like on my own. They broke the door when they came in, which is interesting because it's kind of like, you know, sometimes your friends are like that, like at that age too, when you're all just single and you're all kind of looking for like the hottest, most popular guy or whatever, it's like you guys are like this whole culture of just trying to get the hottest guy to like have sex with us a couple of times is like you're breaking the door like you're not helping um the flood's still coming in when we do that like I still feel lonely I still need someone to maybe talk to about some real stuff and like kind of be there for me in a more

consistent way yeah and the guy was nice he helped her fix the door he said let me let me take care of this right so maybe that that's her sign to to continue her quest to find a nice person. But I also say, it's funny you say like that about the stages. And I don't think that everyone, I don't think that everyone grows out of that. You know, you hear of like the trophy wife or like maybe relationships that are a little more superficial. Like I don't think it's a given that like you automatically will just start choosing people who are going to create healthier relationships for you. I do think that has to be an active choice for a lot of people who maybe like that's kind of like a pattern. And it feels, because it feels very constant.

comfortable, I think, to keep doing what you're doing or keep dating the same person. And so maybe this like, again, this diet, I don't want to say it's a good thing that her mom was diagnosed, but I think that, you know, she's 25. She's had some fun. And like this is almost like an ideal age to be like reevaluating the kind of people that you're looking for. Yes. I totally agree. And I think that it's, it is important for people that tend to be hyper focused on. attention, like romantic attention to make sure that you're having other things in your life that are making you feel good about yourself. Like if you feel like you're in that stage where it's like, I'm just, most of my thoughts are being consumed by trying to get this like unattainable standoffish guy that's really like a prize. And so not most of them are like she's saying, they're not really a prize or just attractive, it sounds like to have other things.

A, it does help to find real love, true love, like to be really loved by someone, even if it's not your person. I think it does feel nice to kind of experience what that feels like in combination with putting more thought energy into your career, putting more thought energy into your health, putting more thought energy into something that can make you feel better in a way that's like more within your control. Right. And then all of that will probably lead to you.

having higher self-esteem, higher feelings of self-worth. And then you have a higher bar for the way that you're treated. And so you're maybe less attracted to people who aren't treating you that way because you value yourself higher because you've invested in your life outside of the situation. Yes. And the French thing is interesting. I was thinking about that. Like I don't know what her association is with like French men or whatever.

But what came to mind for me was like maybe it's just like someone outside of that circle of like douchebag guys that you know all her friends are dating you know I have a hunch that there's probably like a little circle a little crew of guys and the French guy is not in it so he's something totally different that is outside of the box for her so whatever that association is for you like maybe he's more romantic or maybe you know like a lot of times you know other cultures do tend to, you know, be more romantic or lean in a little bit more with, you know, compliments and, like, lay it on a little heavier versus these guys that seem a little more probably like cool standoffish. Like, yeah, you want to show up at my apartment at 2 a.m. sure, you know. Exactly.

So, yeah, I think this dream can serve you in a lot of good ways. So I would listen to it. Keep doing what you're doing in terms of trying to find the nice guy. And what you always say is really great advice, which is when the guy's not nice, like let that try to find a way for that to be a turnoff for you. Right. Not a turn on. Yeah. Because it's so, I mean, there's so many attractive guys out there. And it sounds like you've had a bunch of them that have been interested in you temporarily. So like you got that. What's next? Right. Yeah. And like I've said, like the people that I know that were always in these long-term relationships, they were turned off by that behavior. They weren't like intrigued by someone not texting them for a long time. And again, I think that goes back to like the self-worth.

Like, am I worthy of someone who does that, even if it feels like unconscious? Yeah, totally. Maybe you do need to go to France and date a French guy and have him fall in love with you and then be like, okay, that felt great. Now I'm going to go find that in my real life. Exactly. Or importer Frenchman. See if you can. Let's do a overshare. Do you want to read it? I'll read this. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana.

I'm a Uop benefit subscriber, avid oversharing listener, and first-time writer to the pod. I think this email would be classified as a betchesist, but I'm not certain. 15 months ago, my partner and I bought our first home. We knew it was a fixer-upper, which even calling it that is putting it lightly. She's a 100-year-old farmhouse with tons of work to be done. part of the reason we decided to jump on the house aside from the low price was that my partner is a carpenter and would do most of the work himself fast forward 15 months and very little has been done he works full time so my expectations weren't high but i'd be lying if i didn't say i'm

consistently disappointed by how little gets done on his days off some insight my partner's 34 years old with unmedicated ADHD he starts many projects but has yet to complete a single task in the house When I see him get excited to start something, I try to be enthusiastic and encourage the project. But within a few hours, sometimes days, if we're lucky, he loses interest or motivation and it sits untouched for the next few weeks or months. This email is being written today after I came home from a weekend away hoping to come home to a finished bathtub tiling job. In his four days off, he completed one wall of the shower, a project I also took on the week before and completed the same amount of tiling in four hours. This bathroom has been in Reno mode for four weeks now with 12 of those days being days off for him. Not that she's counting.

I took one look in the bathroom, took a deep breath, and made my way to the bedroom, and laid down and started writing this email. I don't know how to motivate him to keep going or to finish something he started. He tells me he feels like I'm constantly nagging or checking in on him like he's a kid if I ask how things are going. This has caused quite a few arguments and always ends up with him apologizing and saying he knows. he's let me down. I've tried body doubling, working on other projects that I, a non-carpenter, am capable of doing, and that sometimes works to get him started, but I'm often not able to do much as the jobs we have started require his skill set. Do you have any tips for helping motivate someone with ADHD? Do I need to reevaluate my expectations? How do I express my disappointment every time he has

time off and there isn't any progress? I've suggested we hire out the work if he doesn't feel he has the time to complete the work, but he gets upset saying I'm not patient enough. Please help living in a construction zone batch. I like this. As someone who also bought a house that needs some work, I can relate a lot to the emailer. I've had the same kinds of fights about things. I mean, Mike is not a carpenter. He is an accountant. So it's not exactly like the same. But still, I think like there's a lot of tasks that he says he'll take care of. And he works very long hours. And when they don't get done, I get irritated and then I become naggy.

And so I can definitely relate to the listener. But at the same time, I also understand that like sometimes when people work all day, they don't want to come home and do more work. But to me, this is also like a little bit of an expectation issue because I don't think that the timeline should be like. indefinite. In perpetuity. Yeah.

Yeah. Indefinite. Like there's no end to it. It's a tough way to live when you see this thing that's also that's for me it's like our mailbox was broken. So he was like saying he was going to fix it. Saying he was going to fix it. And then it's like three weeks later.

I'm like, I'm like embarrassed that we have this like broken mailbox. Like what's the plan here? Like I don't want to be nagging. But also like I don't want to look at this anymore. Right. And like you seem to you seem opposed to me hiring. someone to fix it. Right. Right. Yeah, I totally this. I totally validate this. It's very frustrating.

And we've talked about this on here before that sometimes, and it doesn't feel romantic and it might not be the most fun conversation. But sometimes you do have to treat your marriage as like a business arrangement in some respects. We're kind of like, okay, we have a project. What's the deal? You know, what's the deadline? Yeah, there has to be some sense of timeline. Right. The other thing that I think would be helpful here because she says that he does have diagnosed but untreated ADHD is that there there probably is he's probably feeling very overwhelmed because it sounds like there's a bunch of different. There's a lot that needs to be done. So sometimes when people have ADHD, even if there's only one thing that needs to be done, it's kind of

hard to get focused, let alone when you're like, okay, do I start on the tiling? Do I start on the mailbox? Do I start on the thing? I also have to take out the garbage. I need to do do laundry, like, you know, that can feel very overwhelming when there's like a bunch of stuff. So what I would honestly recommend, because she could say, like, I know it bothers you when I'm nagging you. I know it's not a good feeling and it probably makes you feel bad, especially if the conversation's ending with him apologizing and saying things like, I know I let you down. Like that's not, can't be a good feeling for him. So what I would recommend is sitting down and taking like one, if it's the bathroom, it sounds like it's the bathroom, right? So let's take the bathroom.

And when people, you know, this works for anybody, but people with ADHD specifically, you kind of do like chunking, where you sort of take the whole task and you put it into different chunks, like the right wall, the left wall, you know, whatever the chunks are that need to be done. and then you have to literally schedule it. Like you're scheduling an appointment with a client. So he has to kind of be like, all right, here's work. Take out a calendar. These are my days off.

These are when I'm going to do X, Y, Z and really like, you can't just be like, all done by May 1st. Because especially for someone with ADHD, I don't think that's going to work because it's like too open ended. I think he needs, and maybe if she's willing to help him, to really break down what needs to be done and when. I mean, he manages to do it for his other projects at work. Right.

He has a job. Right. He has a job. He does it somehow. Right. But it's almost like this doesn't have to get done versus if he's like, okay, I have on my calendar that like on February 27th, that's when I'm doing the right wall of the bathtub or whatever it is.

And then he can like, no, this is what I have to do today. of looking around the house, like feeling overwhelmed with everything. Yeah. And I don't think it's crazy for her to say, like, and if you can't get it done by the day that we agree, we're going to hire someone to get it done. So what happened with the mailbox? He hired someone. Well, I was kind of like, that was sort of what I was like, I'm taking care of a lot

of these things. I don't want to take care of all of them. This is your thing. But the timeline for you to do it is not forever. So like, I need a date. in which you're telling me it will be done. Yeah. And then that did work.

Yeah. Because then it's like, okay, we've aligned on something. I'm not going to ask you anything. I'm not going to talk to you about it until that day has come and gone because hopefully it's done by then and we don't need to discuss that. Right. I think it is, it's also nice for her to say it to like have a real conversation with him and say, it's okay.

I understand if like this. ended up being more than what you thought, like, is, is overwhelming for you. Like, I'm not mad at the fact that maybe you feel like you bit off more than you can chew here. Like, I get it because you are working full time and you do need time to relax. So with his 12 days off, it can't be 12 days worth of tasks. Like, and for her to say, it's okay. Like, I'm not mad. I'm not regretful that we bought this house. I'm not going to, this isn't, I just need you to kind of like admit it to me so that we can make a game plan that's actually going to work. Right.

And give him permission because I have a feeling that he just feels like him saying, like, I know I've let you down. It's really sad. Like, I don't want him to feel like that. And he's also telling her that he's, that she's not being patient. Right. So I think that like he probably,

it's not just, I feel like I let you down. It's probably also like get off my back. Yes. But, and that's the reason why they need to like make it like a business arrangement, you know, like, yeah, your boss would love you to have something yesterday, but that's not realistic. So I think they need to kind of agree upon, you know, a plan of action. And sometimes

it's nice. Like even when we talk about you want to move with your partner and you don't know where you want to move or should I take this job. I don't know if it's a, you know, it's a pay cut. Like sit down and iron out the details. Sometimes that helps you feel a little bit more in control. together, like to control what you can, which is like, okay, here's how many days off you have. Here's how many chunks. The other thing I would do, which I do with sometimes like ADHD teenagers or even adults, is like the 1.5 rule. So if he thinks it's going to take him four hours to do the wall, multiply that by 1.5.

And that's how much time you really have to give yourself to do the wall. Okay. But what if it's longer than that? Yeah. then I mean, if it's even longer than that, then you have to, I guess, revamp the schedule. But I think ultimately, if he's doing this all day, he should know how much time it should take him. This isn't like he's trying out something new. But yeah, I think getting it like a little organized for both of them.

I think in couples, it really helps. Like even that card game, were you the one that told me about that? It's like a couples household tasks card game. No, I think you told me about that. Yeah, I don't remember where I first learned about. it, but maybe it was in one of my trainings. I don't remember now, but it's really cool. It's like a deck of cards and you go through it and you kind of like each take. Right. Responsibility. So it's like clear boundaries and it's all like set in stone. So if you start to get irritable

or quote unquote impatient, it's kind of like, well, you said that on February 27th, you were going to do this. And like here it is. It's March 15th and it's not done. So now it's not just like impatient and nagging. It's kind of like we had an agreement and we need to reevaluate the agreement at this. Like you took that card. You said that like trash was going to be you and the trash is here and it's not you. So like now I don't feel like I'm nagging you. I feel like I'm just following up on our arrangement. Right. And especially with household stuff where it's like you're living in it, you kind of hard to like feel relaxed and like not naggy and not when you're kind of living in a little bit of a disarray. Like if you're caught, you're you're you can't use a bathroom.

because it's being had had work done. That's not just like you want him to do it because you want him to do it. It's like you want him to do it so you can feel like at ease in your home. Yes. So it does, I think, affect the entire thing. It affects your feeling of feeling like relaxed. Totally. And this works for a lot of couples issues.

Cleaning, finances, you know. Kids, I'm sure. Yeah. Just like it doesn't. Nobody wants to do it, but take two hours and sit down and like come to an actual almost like contractual agreement about how it's going to work. And then you don't have to have these little bitty spats and spiffs around it because you're kind of like, oh, okay, let's just refer to the agreement.

Right. Yeah, I agree. Make an agreement. It's very hot. Yeah. Let's do a betchesis. I'll read it. Good morning.

Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I stumbled upon your podcast a few months ago. I've been listening faithfully since. The best part of my workday is getting in my car. listening to a new episode. Love that. Here's the deal. I raised two children by myself, a single mom for 18 years, with very little financial support from their father. I met and they were married my now husband at the

tail end of the teenage years of my youngest child. My husband and I are in our mid-50s. We're more in love today than ever. We enjoy each other's company. We laugh, travel, work hard for this wonderful life we have now. Family, our mothers, children, and grandchildren are the utmost important to us. Here's my dilemma. Coming from a past where I had to work hard to provide for myself and my children, I'm now at a place where I'm burnt out from work. I work at corporate job and sales.

I'm on the road constantly selling and building relationships with my clients, and I'm so tired of it. I love my job, the company, my colleagues, the product I sell, and my clients, but the thought of getting in my car, driving four to five hours to client meetings, packing, hotel stays, and unhealthy eating habits is running its course on me both physically and mentally. My husband is graciously offered to take care of me financially and will support me if I choose to retire. Sounds perfect, right? Not really. When I've had this mindset for my whole adulthood that I would never depend on a man to support me financially, then lo and behold,

I met and married this wonderful man who I built a life with for the past 14 years. I didn't start saving from my retirement until my last child left the house, and that's only 14 years of savings. Plus, I had debt that I needed to be paid off. Needless to say, my life. I didn't know, retirement savings isn't as attractive as my husbands. I cannot talk to any of my friends about this as I feel their eyes rolling in the back of their heads in complete disdain for this so-called dilemma. Please help. Should I retire and trust my husband with all the financial responsibilities and become that stepford wife or keep plowing through this job for the next five years? Sincerely an independent wifey. All right. I love getting this kind of different stage of life

question because we get, you know, a lot of early stage questions. So I show is for everyone. Yes, for everyone. I love this. So thank you for writing in and representing a different question here. So this is tough because I think you, you know, she's a single mom. So like that is, I do not know how they do it. It's one of the hardest things.

And there's a big part of me that's like you worked and took care of your kids, by yourself for all these years, you deserve this. Like you've done, you know, you've been busting your ass for all this time. And this person that you're with, you've been with him for 14 years. Right. It's like you just met. You can build some trust here. Yes, exactly. Totally. So my hunch is, you worked really hard. You raised your kids by yourself. He's, I don't, I think whoever he's been for the last 14 years is who he's going to continue to be. I don't, you know, look, anything can happen. And you never know, but that can happen, you know, at any point in time. So I don't know. I think you deserve it. If you want it, I would try to lean into just trusting that he's going to be there for you. And,

yeah. Yeah. I think it's a little hard to go from this mindset to like cold turkey. I've quit my job. I just kind of like retiring and having fun, especially when you're mid-50s when people live like pretty long for now. If I were her, I would try to do a middle ground. I would say I'm going to try to cut back at work. Maybe I'm going to configure out a part-time situation or I reduce my clients and sales. So I reduced the amount of accounts that I'm on. I'm trying to like cut back. Because I do think it will be like a very weird transition to be like I was making all my own money. now I'm kind of relaxing and entirely depending on someone else. I think that's like a hard thing to get used to.

And it could also just having that much time. If she's working so hard and having that much time, I think it could be kind of shocking. And again, we don't get a lot of emails. I haven't read a lot of emails from people who like retire and what they're dealing with or kind of like the problems that come with that. Like when she said it's sort of like, it's a dilemma, but it doesn't feel like a dilemma because things are seemingly better.

But I think I know from like even my own friends, parents who like cut back on work or stop working, sometimes there is a sense of like, I don't know if not doing anything is also right for me. Yeah. It's like loss of identity, I think is a huge part of it, you know, because you're kind of like, okay, you're the single mom working. You have all this stuff that's going into your identity. Now your kids are grown. They're off.

you're not going to have work. I agree. If there is a way that you can do this, because I just, I also don't think, like an idle mind is a devil's playground for a lot of people, you know, the relationship's great. They're more in love than ever because they're both kind of like have their own lives and are busy. And, you know, if she wants to buy whatever she wants to buy, that's her decision solely alone. She doesn't have to take him into consideration. So I do think ideally a middle ground situation would be ideal if you can figure it out. Or even like she's drunk, why can't they fly her five hours? That sounds like a really long drive.

Maybe you'd like, if you want me to keep this job, like I've got some stipulations. I need a plane ticket, you know, I've been doing this for however many years. Well, the best negotiator is the person who like doesn't really need to do anything. So she's like, I could just fully retire. like you have a lot of leverage if you're good at what you do to ask for a situation that fits you better and if you're good enough like people will usually figure out a way to make it work for you totally like if you know if she has these client relationships I'm sure that they her company probably wants her to maintain her client relationships to say hey I'm going to keep two accounts

right and the rest of them give to somebody else and then I think you know because especially I think when you have no kids in your house house and you stop working. It's like you kind of, and I agree that could change the relationship dynamic too. Like maybe what you have for the past 14 years does work so well because, you know, you kind of have this full other thing that you're doing and maybe too much time together wouldn't necessarily be good for the relationship. Not that that's necessarily the case.

But I just think like, I think she's smart to be like a little cautious about I'm just going to quit everything and relax because I don't. deserve it. I think there's like a lot that goes into that. And I think it's worth, I mean, this doesn't sound very romantic, but I think it's worth having a conversation of like, what would happen if it didn't work out with this husband of yours, like with him. Like, and that's it, I think that's a valid fear to be like, okay, we're together. But let's say we got divorced. I don't know if they have like a pre-up because they both have kids from before. I don't know what they have the situation. But I think it's not unwise to think through all.

possible scenarios for what could happen. If she does stop working and she does retire early and then it doesn't really work out with this person, I think that's a smart way to think. I think that's like protective. And I think anyone who's relying on someone financially should have a sense of like how that would play out. Yeah. I agree. Again, it's not like the most romantic conversation, but it's realistic. It's like any of these other conversations that need to happen. And if you're anxious about this and you're writing in here, I'm sure he knows that you're concerned in some way or if he doesn't, then he needs to. So yeah, great advice. I think open up the dialogue. What would what would this look like if we something happened? Open up a dialogue with your

workplace and see if there's wiggle room there for you to do something that feels a little bit more part time. And ask the specific questions. Like what if I want to buy myself a purse? Like is it like that something you would want me to, because it's, you know, because I have never spent some else's money before. Was that something you'd want me to run by you? Is that something you'd feel like, is there like a certain amount that you want me to, like a budget you'd like me to stay? And I think that's just like, it seems really romantic in the initial phases of like, quit your job. Like, I'll take care of everything. But I think to really understand what that would look like and what the person would be comfortable. And it feels like an awkward conversation to have. But it's a lot less awkward

to have it, I think, before. Yes. You do it. Then when you've like, well, I've already quit my job. you're saying I can't just go to lunch with my friends twice a week like I used to, and I can't go back. So yes, I think she needs all the reassurances if they're possible to have. And even maybe some kind of a written contract of some sort, like to, you know, kind of now their arrangements different than when they first got together. Like she's not going to be working and she's not going to have her own money. Like, you know, there is a lot to think about here.

If her kids need money for something, how's that going to work? out. Right. You know, so yeah, this, I don't think it's going to be easy. I think there's, there's, you need to have, do some research leading into this with work with your partner, um, and see where you feel after all those conversations are had. But you should feel proud of yourself that you worked all these years. And if that is what you really want, if you, at the end of the day, like, I just want to relax and take Pilates and go out to lunch and yeah, retire, then go for it. I totally agree that I think there's questions to be asked before you make that decision. Agreed.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes. I'm looking forward to it. It's got me very excited for retirement. You want to read the intentions? Yeah. Okay. Hello, Jay and Dr. Bernstein.

Love this pod and it's helped me become so much more present in my life. That's awesome. Dr. Bernstein, I'm looking for an intention. I recently got engaged. Yay. I'm 32 years old. and one of my last friends to get married.

Everyone's so excited for me and I feel like the luckiest. Recently, a few of my bridesmaids, four out of my eight and my matron of honor, have recently told me that they've started trying for a baby. Yay. Here's my issue. I keep spiraling thinking about them all being pregnant during my bachelorette and wedding. Obviously, I'm thrilled for them and can't wait to be an aunt to all my closest friends. However, I was in all their weddings, even the maid of honor for my matron.

and was present for all their wedding events. I can't help keep picturing five of my eight bridesmaids all pregnant on my batch and wedding. I was there for all the booze cruises in Touloum, karaoke bars in Scottsdale, etc. I know you can still have fun without drinking, just feels like I maybe won't be getting the same experience that they all had in our 20s. I know I'm overreacting and thinking the worst for something that isn't even happening. I would like an intention to focus on the positive and remember that these things aren't in my control and just because my wedding festivities may look different because we're older, it's still just as fun.

I think this is a very relatable dilemma. I feel, I mean, it seems really stupid. And I understand why she's like, I can't speak to any friends about this because you seem like sort of absurd. But it is a thought process that goes through your head, especially when you're like her or even like I was, like one of the later friends in your group to get married. you're kind of like, all right, time to cash in like all the shit that I've done for for everyone else. And then everyone's sort of in this other stage of life, like they're a little past you and you kind of can feel like it's a little depleting to feel like everyone's not really excited to be like, again, like drinking on the booze cruise. And it's like all a little bit more mellow when you're still in that stage and they've kind of moved past it. So I'll validate for sure, like this feeling of, I don't know, it feels like a little unfair or it feels like a little like of a letdown.

But it's also just kind of life and you just kind of have to accept it. Like I had that as well. Yeah. I agree. I can validate this. It's very common. Like I think there is this thing. We've talked about it before.

Like I did all this for you. Now I want it back. Like now it's my turn to get it. that when you have that kind of tip for tap mentality, it feels like everything has to be exactly the same and all the same boxes checked and everyone has to, you know, show up with the penis straws and, you know, whatever it is, like the same, you know, kind of thing where you're sort of like, well, maybe I think she has two options. One, she can accept it or two, she cannot accept it. And if she doesn't accept it and she really wants like a rager, she should just shoot out the text

now and plan this like in the next month and just be like, I want, I want this. I want it the way I want it. That's a good idea. Let's just get it done before you guys get pregnant. Like, yeah. I know I just got engaged, but we're on a timeline and like, how about the weekend of the whatever. That's smart. I love that.

Make it like a last minute, like last. for all for all for all the people who are about to stop, stop living this lifestyle. Because I think there also is this element of like, sometimes it feels like, again, when people get into that other stage, it's like,

all right, we're like over the wedding thing. Like we're excited for you, but also like we've already done the bachelor at parties. And like we're all in a new stage. And I think that especially for women can feel, I don't know, it just feels like kind of shitty.

You're like, okay, like because you guys already did this, I miss the boat. And now no one really cares. much because it's not like wedding season. No one's like so excited. It's like the first person getting married where everyone's like so excited to go to a

wedding. So excited for the open bar. Right. So excited for everything. It's more like, all right. Like I guess we have another one. Right. Yeah.

Totally. Well, my answer to that would be and this is along the lines of like I'm not accepting this is sort of like you were there. Right. You all did it together. I don't think it shouldn't matter so much. Like, okay, it was like, you know, Rachel's day or it was this other person's day. But you all went and you had the good time and you all got drunk and you all did the thing.

It's not like you didn't get to do it because your name wasn't on the banner in the Airbnb. Yeah. That's a great way to think of it. I love that. Yeah, we all did it. We all had fun. And I think, and it's funny because we talked about this with the wedding thing, like kind of. know your audience.

So sort of like if you all, you did it too. You guys had many bacheloretts where it was like, let's get wasted and go clubbing and go do karaoke and do all that stuff. And maybe for all of you, it would be nice to have a new experience where it's just a different type of bonding. And you can sort of be the one to accept and lean into this spearheading of maybe a different way that you guys can all connect.

It's going to be better for all of you when you're kind of moving, you know, you get tired more easily. You can't handle your alcohol or you're pregnant or you're just busy. So you can kind of be the one to say, hey, we all had this experience together many times already. I'll use my Bachelorette as a time to kind of lean into a new experience, like a spa day or like. I like that. You know, a relaxing trip to the mountains where we sit by a fire and, you know, Yeah, me people where they're at. I like that.

Just like the wedding thing. It's kind of like, I'm going to have fun if everyone else is kind of into it. Like if your pregnant bridesmaid is sitting in the back, like, yawning, like, it's going to kind of ruin your time versus if you see her, you know, sitting like in her post massage bliss after a spa day, like, oh, my God, this is exactly what I needed. that might feel good for all of you. And you all did already get to kind of experience all the partying stuff together. So I think two options. Yeah, one is like lean into it and just be like, all right, let's squeeze this in as a last hurrah for all of us. Right.

Or embrace it and say, let's do a spa weekend somewhere. And they'll probably all like love that. And have an excuse to spend money on a spa thing versus spending money on like drink. and, you know, clubs that you guys have done a million times. Yeah, exactly. I like that advice a lot. Do you have an intention for her? Yeah.

So I wrote, I will look forward to this chance to bring my friends together to connect in a new and lasting way. Love it. And look for, like, I guess the idea is you look forward to it. Look forward to helping your bachelorette gets to be the one that kind of connects everyone in a way that's going to. kind of push them into the new phase. Right.

And they'll remember that about you and you'll still feel special and like you have, you know, had your day. Yeah. Cash in. Totally. Cash in. I have spot days.

We're probably way more expensive than like splitting a table. For sure. Make them pay more because they're older and married. Exactly. All right. Let's do some triggers. And I have a reminder. If you are listening on Spotify,

you can vote on these triggered scenarios. in the app on the feed. Go to Spotify, go to the episode, and you can also weigh in on if you think this is triggering. I'll read the first one. Hi, Trudana and Dr. Naomi. I love your show.

I listen every week. I have a triggered scenario. I recently left my job at Child Protective Services where I worked for eight years. I started as a case worker conducting the investigations and worked my way up to supervisor

where I was the primary person dealing with all the child sex abuse and severe physical abuse cases in my county. I love my job. I was really good at it, and it was honestly the most fulfilling job I will probably ever have. I now work in a state position where I do analytics. It's a super boring position, but came with more money and less stress. I ran into my sister-in-law recently, and when asking about my new job, she said,

how is your new big girl job? It must be nice to have a real job now. I felt so triggered by this. My new job is nowhere near as intense or difficult as working in CPS. I sit at a desk all day, reading documents. I felt so offended and triggered by this statement and I can't seem to get it out of my head. Do I have a right to feel triggered? Thanks for all you do. Sincerely, my last job was way cooler. Yeah, I think this is triggering. That's an insane comment to make to like anyone. Even if she, even if the other job was kind of bullshit, which it sounds like it's definitely, definitely wasn't. That's still a crazy thing to say to someone. Right. I find that offensive. Like if she was working at a coffee shop and then she got a job at Chase Bank.

Like right. It's offensive. Both real jobs. Yes. They're both real jobs. And especially the fact that the other one and I, just for this listener, like, I give her so much credit for doing that for so long. I think it's probably a good thing that she moved on because I think at some point,

that's got to be really emotionally draining and just hard to kind of. You know, you're seeing the worst, most disturbing things that happen probably in our entire society and like having to dig in there. So I do think it's probably good that she got a little bit of a mental and emotional break from that. But I'm sure there's a part of her that feels like she was doing more to help people then. So having feeling that way and feeling kind of sensitive about that already and then having this comment on top of it is, yeah, it doesn't even matter what the job was. unless the job was like, I don't know, like playing video games or something. Right. Unless the like it was like, you know, you're like working for your mom one day a week or something. Like not really. Like you know what I mean? Like our job that actually isn't a real job or like, I don't know.

Yeah, I agree. I mean, that's, I don't think anyone's going to take offense to that comment, like a one day a week job like for not someone that's not your relative or whatever. Yeah. I agree. This is triggering. she had a super real big girl job, like one of the most big girl jobs you can have. So I don't, it sounds almost like the sister-in-law. She's trying to annoy her. I was, I was, so funny, different perspectives. Like, you're saying she was doing it on purpose. I was going to say that like there's some miscommunication or like some lines are crossed in terms of like what she was doing and what she's doing now.

And like that somehow it's like, I don't even know. maybe she was just referring to the fact that she's making more money. I don't know if the sister-in-law knows that you're making more money. And maybe instead of big girl jobs, she just meant like how does it feel to be like making a higher salary? I would need to know more about like the sister-in-law's personality, I think to assess, I guess, whether she's just like uninformed or very rude.

Yeah. But I would have said something. I would have been like, what do you mean? Like I have like I worked in child protection. services for eight years like what are you talking about yeah that would have been a great response yeah that would have been a great response like can you clarify i don't i don't even understand what you're saying right i don't understand the comment like just putting it back on her um but she didn't i get it she was probably caught caught off guard by by that so now she's just doing right because she's also getting a

congratulations so it feels like weird to be like yelling at someone for congratulating yes yes totally And look, I get it. It's hard because, like, she obviously took the job. She knew what it was going to be. She's making more money. It's very hard not to take something like that, lower stress. But I can imagine it's almost like, I think a lot of people feel this way when they leave a job, especially a job like this. Even people that, like, leave the military, right?

If they, and they leave people behind that are still in the military. There's almost like this guilt sometimes of, like, I've escaped this, like, traumatic. thing and you're still there. Or even if you're just in an office job that has like a toxic work culture and you leave and then there's like this guilt around. You're like a survivor. Yes. You're like a survivor and they're like still in it.

So there might be a part of her that's like easily triggered as well because of some guilt that she has about leaving and not being like having her finger on the pulse of everything that's happening there. But even regardless of that, this is triggering. I'd give it like a. seven. Yeah, I think that's a good number, seven, very triggering. I would, I would mention something to her because I think that's like crazy.

Yeah, if you have a really good or a reasonably good relationship, I would just be like, are you going to make that comment? I don't really understand or even just kind of, if you want to be vulnerable, just be like it hurt my feelings because I really felt like the job that I was doing now is like when you, you know, kind of said it wasn't a big girl job that really hurt my feelings. I was really proud of the work that I did there. I worked really, really hard, and that was upsetting. I think that's fair.

I think that's fair, too. All right. Let's do another one. All right. I'll read this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I have a triggered scenario for you. A little backstory. One of my friends, let's call her Sarah, came over to my apartment and went through some of my old

clothes that I was planning on donating. Sarah is quite a lot shorter than me. She's 4.11 and I'm 5'8. but she tried on a coat that fit her well in an oversized way. So she took the coat off my hands. Fast forward to a week later where we were both out to dinner with a few of our other friends. She wore the coat and told the others that it was mine. This prompted her to tell the story of her wearing the coat out with a friend a few days before

and the friend complimented it. Since Sarah is short, the friend asked her, oh, this was your friend's coat? Is she short too? To which Sarah responded, no, she has celiac disease. After telling the story, Sarah laughed and explained she said this because the coat fit both me and her because I'm relatively slim due to my celiac disease. I was taken aback. Not only did she say this to her friend, but she also thought this would be a funny story to retell a dinner.

I would like to add that while I may have lost a little bit of weight when I was first diagnosed as celiac, it was nothing dramatic. I would say that I've always been relatively the same size in my adult life, not to mention that I have. bought this coat years before I was diagnosed anyway. In the moment, I just laughed it off, but I've been replaying the scenario in my head and I'm still offended that she said that. It brings up an already existing fear of mine that this condition is the first thing that comes to mind when people think of me. I don't want to be known as the girl with celiac. In my opinion, this is the type of joke that you can only make about yourself. It's not appropriate for other people to say it about you. Am I being overly sensitive since this is obviously something I'm self-conscious of?

Or is this triggering? Of all the things she could have responded, why did she choose that? She could have said she's a runner. She's naturally slim, literally anything else. But she chose to say, oh, we both fit in the same coat because of her chronic medical condition, L.O.L. So how triggered can I be a sickly betch? I think she's being a little overly sensitive.

I think she didn't say she's a runner or she's overly slim because that's not a joke. That's not like funny. Like the funny part is that she has celiac disease. like, again, I don't think it's like that funny of a joke. Just like, I didn't even know that silly people are supposed to be thinner. Right. People without celiac.

So I don't really think it like landed that well. But I can understand what she was trying to do there. And I think like, I think like it's most people don't associate being like referred to as thinner as a insult. And I think she was just trying to put a funny spin on it. I don't think that's the first thing anyone thinks about you. I know a lot of people with celiac. And I don't think anyone cares that much.

but I get where she's like internalizing it. I don't think anyone was meant to offend her. I personally don't think it's triggering, but I also don't have celiac disease. What do you think? Yeah, I mean, so I do think it's, it is like a medical condition, which I guess could be something that you might not want

every single person to just know about you. If it's like a random friend of a friend, then she's sort of like introducing her theoretically as like, oh, this is my friend with celiac disease. So I could see how that's mildly triggering. But I do think this is a perfect example of why we kind of do this triggering segment. Yeah. Because what I wonder, and this would be if I were her therapist,

I would be asking her this question is like, do you feel like you are leading a lot or you are talking a lot about your celiac disease? And that is something that's coming up frequently in conversation with people. and maybe that's why she's sensitive to being known as the girl with celiac. Like maybe she is like that is happening in her life. Like maybe people are kind of like bringing it up to her or talking to her about it or maybe she's talking about it a lot.

And so this is triggering for her because she's sensitive to having that be a big part of her identity. So I think it's worth exploring. Like is this something that you're putting out there often? because otherwise my hunch is that maybe that's why she's very sensitive to being known as that. And I get it. It's hard. Like when you have dietary restrictions, it's annoying to be. Sometimes it's annoying to be around people because people tend to like make comments or why don't you eat that or why aren't you having some or like when we went out.

When we were to this was like my own triggering thing when we were together and we went out and I just like happened to not be hungry when we were out. dinner like I don't even remember I'd eaten something whatever it was and when people are like oh you're not hungry why aren't you eating aren't you eating it's like I'm just right well it's the way that like other people's eating habits make you question your own I think it's like usually a projection of your own yeah feeling of like maybe I should be eating less yes yes yes so I think sometimes when you go out to eat which is often times how people socialize right they go out to dinner so right this stuff does tend to come up and sometimes it does have to be a whole conversation of like, oh, why don't you have, like if someone's eating bread and they're feeling whatever, a way about that they're eating bread

and then you're not eating some, they have to make a comment about it. Now you have to explain, like, oh, I have celiac disease or whatever. And then I think all of that probably makes her feel sensitive that this is like a bigger part of her identity than she'd like, whether she's bringing it up or other people are bringing it up. So I think they're probably, probably as an underlying sensitivity to being known as the girl with celiac. And I don't know that there's anything she can do about it. If she is like talking about it a lot just because it's on her mind, then it's making her anxious or whatever,

then that might be something to think about. And if she's actually sensitive to it, I can understand why that's, I feel like it's a little, like the gluten-free thing is like a little bit, it has become like a little bit of like an intern, or it was not anymore. There was like a little bit of like an internet, joke around it like the gluten-free or like gluten-ocally kill you or something like that.

So I do think there's maybe like a joakiness around it that bothers her when she's like actually gets really sick. It's really sick or something. Yeah. It's hard. I do feel for her because it is hard to keep it out of the conversation sometimes. But I would just, I would be curious if she's injecting it into the conversation. So it's becoming part of her identity.

And if that's the case, I would, if it's triggering. to you to be known as that I would try to lean away from it. But if it's really coming up because people are calling you out for not eating stuff, then there's not much you can do. Yeah. Yeah. And I feel bad because like I do think like I would make a joke about someone having like with celiac because I don't think of like that doesn't seem like it's that serious. Like I don't, I wouldn't put myself past joking about something like that just the way her friend probably did where she's like, oh, she can't eat, she doesn't eat bread. Like that's why she's so thin. That's why her jacket fits me or something. Right. Right. But if like it actually feels intense for you, I think that's,

that's like something to let your friends know. Like I actually like feel kind of triggered about it. Right. I do think it's hard because it's sort of like you have to eat all the time and a lot of socializing has to goes with eating. So I do think sometimes for people that have these types of restrictions, it can get annoying to have to always be like explaining what it is. And people who do have this that, you know, I'm not an expert on it. I don't think you're going to die from it. But you might have your entire night ruined and like have to go home early and not be able to like have fun if you eat the wrong thing. So I could see that it's triggering.

I don't think she meant anything by it. But I would, you know, and I could see why she's sensitive to being known as the girl with celiac. I get it. I wouldn't put it that high. I don't think she meant anything by it. And if it is something that really is something that's triggering to you in general, I would let your friends know. Like, I really, this is, this thing's really annoying for me. Like, I hate being known as a girl with celiac. Like, that's part of my struggle, you know, or just kind of let them in and kind of say like, hey,

I'd rather not talk about what I'm eating or not eating when we go out. Yeah, I think that's fair. I'd give it a three. Yeah. I could tell that you're like not, you're not, uh, that's sensitive. I don't know. I have friends who are who are gluten-free. I just think or like because of like a real celiac issue. I guess I don't know. I guess I don't know enough. Maybe I don't know enough about it to like realize how uncomfortable it can make someone. So that's maybe it's just my ignorance. Yeah. No, that's all right. Keep your three. I'll give it. I'll give it a five. I don't know. She is she didn't say like that it's that it was been such a horrible negative experience for her. Right. Exactly. She's not painting the picture that like this is really debilitating in her life.

And, you know, yeah, I get that. And I think like she could like loosen up, but like she could make fun of herself a little bit of it too. That would also be like take the. I agree. Let's put it. This is a good one to put out there to the listeners. Yeah, this is a great one for that. So if you're on Spotify, let us know if you think this is triggering or not that triggering.

I feel like we're on maybe different sides of the spectrum here. Why? What do you give it? I give it a three. So what do you give it? I give it five. Okay, bye. Let's see. All right.

Let's see what everyone thinks. We'll see who's right. Okay. We might not have as big of a divide as the Taylor Swift scalper, but we'll see. We'll see what we can do. All right. That's our time. Great work today.

Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby. Editing by Jazz Apados. Guest booking by Ali Friedlander and send your emails to oversharing at betches.com. Betches.