Oversharing - How To Move On After Getting Laid Off

Episode Date: February 7, 2023

When is it appropriate to air your dirty laundry on social media, and when is it best to keep your grievances offline? Jordana and Dr. Naomi start the week with a story about cheating, Facebook posts, and why you may come to regret putting someone on blast. Then a listener writes in to ask for advice on how to bounce back after losing their job. How do you keep your mental health in check and avoid spiraling when you have so much time on your hands? Next, they answer a Betchicist question from a listener whose husband is insecure about gaining weight. Is there any way to kindly encourage someone to make different health choices without coming off as judgmental or unsupportive? This week’s intentions involve a text-breakup and finding closure after a long term relationship ends. Finally, they answer a pair of Triggered scenarios about going to dinner without your partner and dealing with a “momzilla” trying to plan your wedding. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordan Abraham. And I'm Naomi Bernstein. What's up?

How is everything? How's it be Monday? We record on Mondays for a little PTSD. Sorry. Happy Tuesday to everything. Everybody else. Happy Monday to us. Everything's good. I had, it's funny, I was right as I was falling asleep last night, I was scrolling on Facebook and someone that I know, I was just completely shocked. I was like about to put my phone down and go to sleep. And someone that I know

just completely outed her husband for having an affair, like posted a picture of him and his new girlfriend. Oh my God. And I was like shocked beyond belief. It was, you know, this is social media at its best for everyone watching, but it's worst for people. Yeah, it's so true. You know, it's funny because my initial, and I, and I just as that happened, I thought, okay, we're recording tomorrow.

I wanted to discuss this with you and the listeners because my, my initial reaction, I think coming from our own, my own visceral personal reaction coming from our childhood was kind of like, shh, this is not, you know, quiet down, handle your emotions. Like, this is kind of crazy. But then my net, you know, after I sat on it for a minute, I kind of thought, you know, when someone passes away, people post on Facebook and they get an outpouring of love and support and we're here from me, hear for you and memories of the person that passed away. And this is sometimes just as painful as losing a loved one, but it's kind of this thing that you sort of have to go through in private,

quietly. You don't get the support of that many people because it's sort of a taboo subject. So I thought it would be interesting and I'd like to hear your perspective on kind of using one of the good things. I don't see that many amazing things about social media, really, but one of them, given the detriment that I think it does to people's mental health. But one of the good things is that you can get some positive support when you're going through something difficult.

So that's why I thought it would be, I wanted to hear your take on it. Well, I have a feeling. I think it would be one thing if she was like, I'm recently getting out of a, I'm getting a divorced and I'm going through a tough time and I would like to know if anyone, like, wants to get together. or something like that or has any experiences. Instead of shaming the husband. This,

I mean, it's funny that you thought there was like any kind of like healthy aspect to this. When I heard that I'm like, this is like, you're airing your dirty laundry. You're, I assume they have, I don't know if they have kids,

but like there's like the embarrassing level of that. It's kind of like, to me this is almost like the worst thing you could possibly do. It seems like spontaneous. It seems like not well thought out. It doesn't, you don't understand how it's affecting other people. And also, like, the thing about social media is also like you're getting one side of the story, too.

But you're, and with Facebook especially, it's not, I can understand. And I've seen this. I'm in like a bunch of Facebook groups, like various groups on different topics. And sometimes people post, I don't really post in them, but I watch. Sometimes people post stuff like this. And to me, those are strangers. These are like the Facebook group for like, let's say like moms in the Dallas area. Right.

And it's like a close. And it's not like Facebook group. Yes. The rest of the people in your life are not going to see these posts. Yes. And you can even post without sharing your name on these groups. You can post not saying who you are. And to me, I could understand the healthy value of like I'm vending about this person.

Or even if there was a group for like been cheated on like posting here. You know? Totally. That makes a lot of sense to me. But Facebook where it's like your regular Facebook page is like your status update. To me, too much information. There's, I think there's clearly. an element of this isn't necessarily being done for support.

It seems like it's much more being done for like vengeance. Revenge. Yeah. Right. So to me this is like a very bad move, but probably very entertaining to watch because it's kind of like whenever you see these things online where it's like sometimes you just see like someone changes their profile picture and you're like, that's like your first hint that something's off.

Maybe someone's broken up or something. And then you do your own investigation or at least I do because I don't have. a life. And then you're sort of like you feel like a detective like piecing together the story. Right. But this is like, oh, wow. Like I just got like a Netflix special on what happened here. Yes. Yes. There's a lot. You don't have to. It's not like a game of clue. There's a lot of information, comments and then the person's commenting back and you're getting all, you know, just to clarify. I do agree that I think there's a way to do it, especially if you have children, that's a little bit more. or, you know, that's less about seeking revenge and shaming the partner that might be better

for the kids involved. I just do feel, I think the piece that I'm touching on is that part of like when someone, when you've been cheated on, that there's this feeling for some people. For others, we know that there is no feeling of like, you know, coothness or, you know, trying to kind of handle it on your own. But for some people, there's this very private, shameful. experience that you have to go through alone. So I just want to acknowledge the fact that sometimes that's a hard thing to do.

And you do want the validation and the support of other people. So your suggestion of like, I'm in the process of getting a divorce. You know, I could use some support if anybody wants to get together or, but what she wanted was like, you know, what an asshole. He lost a bad. thing he ever had like you know that kind of thing which she got and to punish him yeah right and to punish him yeah right which i mean i well it's funny this is i that this is like a huge example of this or i guess it i because on one of these groups i actually happened to be lurking last night in one

of these groups and someone wrote something about i was dating this guy for three weeks he was like telling me all these nice things and then he ghosted me um which i think happens all the time. Right. That's very common. More common than your husband cheating on you and you blasting my Facebook. Right. And she was like, should I say something?

Should I, like, I want to yell at him. Like, I want to, like, he hasn't answered me and I want to, like, tell him, like, like, who he is and what his, like, and not let him get away with this. Right. And I think there's that feeling when you've been wrong, whether it's cheated on or ghosted or obviously that's like a much more micro level of that. It's like, should I be, what's the correct way to do? to handle that? Is it to just like ignore the person and block them on everything and pretend they

don't exist? Or is it to like get out all your feelings about it or potentially some rage? And where should you channel that? Because I think that people are usually, I mean, I remember hearing from my own therapist that anger is like a secondary emotion and that what people are really feeling is like sad. But then you're kind of like channeling it. Sometimes it's easier to channel it into like anger than to be just crying alone in your room or something. Yeah, it feels and you, and you're protect, after you've been so wounded, you want to then protect yourself. So anger is much more protective than sadness. Right. But yeah, I agree with you on that point of sort of like not wanting the person to get away with it.

That's the hardest part, especially in something like that where you can't put the kid in the middle, right? So you can't like, you know, seek revenge to your time. I mean, you're You can, but you shouldn't. That's the worst. Yeah. Yes, you can. We've seen it done. You can't do it.

Right. So that's like the worst thing that you could do. So you have to be, you have to pull it all together when it comes to your kids and continue to be, you know, supportive of their relationship with their other parent. And you have to do all of those things. And there is this feeling sometimes, I think, when someone's cheated, where it's like they just got to do that. Now they're living happily ever. after it looks like on social media with this other person, there's zero consequences for them. And that just feels really unfair. So I get it. There's a place where you really want to,

you know, feel like you can somehow even the score. But you just really can't, unfortunately. It's one of those things where seeking any type of revenge like this is probably going to make things end up being worse for you in the long run. I agree. And I think that like you, you you're not going to even the score. I think a lot of the times, if you act sort of in a rage-esque way, it almost only reinforces to that person that they've done something that was more deserved.

Look how crazy they are. Like, no wonder I made the right decision or something. Right. But then it's kind of like annoying that you have to be like, oh, I'm just this silent victim that like, so that I don't seem crazy, which is like a gas lady thing. I have to be quiet and just let you get away with it. But I do think that if someone is doing those behaviors,

someone is acting in that way, they will have their own reckoning with it. But you're not going to be the one to make them see it. People realize those things on their own, not through you telling them what a bad person they are. They're either going to think they're a bad person and come to that on their own or they're not. And they're going to have negative consequences of that elsewhere.

Like someone who's ghosting you after three weeks is clearly not a good communicator. going to show up elsewhere in their life that isn't advantageous for them. Right. Right. Right. I agree. And I always think that that type of thing, the ghosting thing, it's, you know, just saying

one of the number one things that people should be looking for in a long-term relationship is communication. So right there, you're dodging a bullet if a person can't just send you a text or call you and say, hey, this isn't working out. You know, so to me, that's a huge red flag that you're finding out at the end. But it's kind of like, okay, great. I'm glad you showed your colleagues. and I can move on.

But yeah, so this was tough because I do feel, I really feel for her as much as she probably, you know, I'm sure regrets posting that to a certain extent. But I like the idea of a closed Facebook group where you can get this kind of support that you're looking for without involving everybody in your wife. Right. People who are actually involved in either directly or indirectly in the, in the, issue. Or I mean, obviously, like, if you have a group of close friends, that's like the first stop. Yes. But if you don't, not everyone does. I think that those Facebook groups are very nice for that sort of thing.

Yeah. Support is one of the great things about social media. Again, like we talked about the last couple weeks, group therapy is another great way to do that. I do still have maybe one or two spots in my group, but by the time this airs, that might not happen. But I'll throw it out there. But that's another great space if, you know, perhaps your friends are, you know, involved. or there's mutual friends with the person that's cheated or that type of thing that might be tough to go to your friend group or some people just don't have those types of friendships. So, you know, joining a group is another great way to get that kind of support and validation. But I feel for her, but I also agree that there's a, there's different.

I heard someone say recently that when you have a strong urge, when you feel like you just have to say something, that's exactly when you should, it's like a warning sign to say nothing. Like when you have that urge, like I need to say this thing right now, that's your sign to put your phone down and take a bath. Especially if you're drinking. So I have the urge and I've had a few drinks and now is the time I feel like is the time to say. That's because I think that's when people kind of feel like, oh, they have the courage, but it's usually the worst time to.

So true. I once had an invention for an app. I think I might have mentioned it to you. I don't know how it would work. We would need a tech guy to do it. But it's like before you go out drinking, you set this like setting on your phone. It's like a don't text setting. And it doesn't allow you to text them.

If you, yes, there's certain people. You can put them on the list. And then if you want to text them, you have to like get a friend to give you the password. Like the friend gets sent a password and the friend has to like unblock your phone so that you could text this person. Yeah. Or you should have to do like a little. a little crossword puzzle to like unlock the ability to text them

if you're lucid enough to to get through the whatever the task is then you can send it totally but I think that's true for any fights sometimes it's like even if you're kind of in a tiff with someone on text and you want to say the thing that you like feel is like the thing that you should they should hear I think that the idea is like you can always send that text

so like if you want to send it tomorrow when you wake up and you're still, then maybe send it. Totally. I agree. So that's a good rule of thumb. If you just need to send it this second, step away from the phone. If this woman was like, oh, I really want to post, I'm going to let him everyone know who he is and what he's been doing. Like, I have a feeling that was done in an impulse, kind of as an impulse decision. If she had taken a few days, maybe she would have felt a little differently. Yeah, I'm sure. Should we do, uh, should we do something? of these emails. Let's do some emails. Okay. I'll read the first one. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I am a U-Up listener who recently started listening to oversharing and I'm loving binging all the episodes.

I have a situation I would appreciate your insight on. I was recently affected by the large wave of tech layoffs and I am suddenly out of a job. I was only at the company for six months, but I was so proud and excited to be there and felt I was growing so much. I understand that I'm still early in my career. I'm at my late 20s and the decision to eliminate my role was not personal, but I'm still grieving and disappointed. Most of my team was not affected, including peers of the same level and tenure, which also makes me feel embarrassed, even though I know my managers had no say in that decision. At the same time, I don't feel like I have the luxury to allow myself to process my emotions because I need to move quickly in the job search since I am now competing against many peers for a new

role. My questions are, how do I develop the mental resilience to push forward and jump on the job search while I'm still feeling really disappointed by the situation. How can I move past feelings of shame around the situation and jump into networking like it's no big deal? It's exhausting going through the same speech with so many people, especially strangers. How can I keep my mental health in check and avoid spiraling thoughts with so much time in my hands? I'm planning to develop a schedule that includes self-care and regular exercise, but it's so easy to let my anxious thoughts wander without a real routine and distractions that I'm held accountable to. How can I find the mental strength to a lot time for grief versus action. Thanks so much for all you do. Disappointed corporate batch. I thought this was a great

question. I feel like you read in the news every day about like some major company doing like a mass amount of layoffs. So I'm sure there are many people struggling with this sort of situation. Totally. And kind of, you know, disconnecting your sense of self from these decisions where it feel like she she acknowledges that it's not personal. But I'm sure in some ways it's. still feels that way at times. And I think that that's a good place to start is sort of taking a pretty honest inventory of yourself and figuring out, you know, while you're already in this grief state, while you're already kind of open and raw, really trying to figure out, is there something that I'm doing here that could have, I could have done differently? Is there something that I could learn

from here, or is this literally just the luck of the draw, which it may be? And it sounds like maybe in this situation it is. But in some situations, it might be beneficial to try to, if possible, to try to get some feedback so that you can figure out, okay, here are things that I can grow from, here are things that I can learn from. So at least you can use it as a learning experience instead of just completely an entirely negative experience. And then I think taking that honest inventory can then help you sort of move forward with a positive outlook and kind of clean out the wounds in a healthy way versus, you know, I think sometimes the urge is to just say, like, screw them, like, you know, whatever and not really try to learn too much from the experience

because it feels so painful. And that's what I think she's struggling with, is how do I, like, allow myself to feel the painful parts of this? but also like collect myself and have networking conversations and come off as confident in networking conversations while I'm also like leaning into the, you know, just like licking my wounds. Yeah. I mean, this reminded me almost of like a breakup talk where she's like, how do I like get out there and date people while I'm still feeling like terrible about this past breakup. But I also feel like I want to move on.

I don't know. I guess this is more pertinent because you like need a job to like support yourself. and live and she probably has those fears too of like what if I'm unemployed and unable to to work anywhere. Right. So I think, you know, it sounds like what she's struggling with is the fear which a lot of people have when it comes to grief. And grief is a huge word and it encompasses everything from the death of a loved one to the death of a childhood to loss of a job or, you know, even getting clean from a substance can feel like a grief type of a reaction. So the hard part about grief is that sometimes people feel like if they let themselves feel it,

it's almost going to open this floodgate and leave them kind of paralyzed by it. So the idea that if I go here, if I lay in bed and cry, or if I allow myself to what we always talk about, like feel those feelings in my body, and watch that wave that it's going to somehow like pull her out of her productive mode. Like people kind of, I think, make the mistake that it's like, I'm either productive or I'm falling apart. And don't leave space for the idea that like at 8 a.m., I could be falling apart. And by like 12 noon, I can be productive. You know, I don't need to necessarily be that same, you know, puffy, swollen, sobbing mess.

at noon just because I'm that person at 8 in the morning. That's a great point. And it reminds me of something you said in earlier episodes, which is just that like you were not your feelings. So and even if in one instance, you're like, I'm a fit or and also don't believe all your thoughts. Like, you know, and maybe at 9 a.m., you're like, I'm devastated.

I'm worthless. I'm whatever. Like those are like one, doesn't because you thought it an hour ago, doesn't mean it's true, nor does it mean you have to keep thinking it, like you said, two hours later. So I always think of that when you're like, just because you think it doesn't mean it's true or even true for you. Yes.

And that's the biggest piece. The other piece that I think people confuse, one is like trusting the waves of emotion that they're going to come and they're going to go. But the other part is that, and we've talked about this before, you know, feeling your feelings or allowing yourself to grieve or how. however you want to phrase it doesn't mean giving into self-loathing thoughts, you know, and like allowing yourself to really stew in just hugely negative thinking about yourself. And I think a lot of people tend to do that.

So they think that that's what grieving is. But again, I would focus more on, you know, just like seeing where you feel, when the emotion comes over you, seeing where you feel it in your. body, noticing what it's doing to you physically and allowing yourself to feel in that way or, you know, having memories or feeling, feelings of disappointment. Those things are fine and that's what the grief is. You know, maybe grieving the fantasy of what you thought that job was going to turn into that now it's not going to turn into. Those are types of thoughts that, okay, you can go there and you can see how it affects you and watch the physical sensations rise and then fall

in your body, that's productive. But doing the stuff of like, you know, you were so delusional, you thought that you were going to be here for 10 years, like you're such an idiot. They knew you were, like all that stuff is not. I would not, I would try to pull yourself out of that as quickly as possible. That's not what I mean when I say like allowing yourself to grieve. Well, when you say pull yourself out of that, like what's the, what is the actual mechanism for like, okay, I'm starting to tell myself these like mean stories about my.

myself. How do you pull yourself out of that in practice? So in practice, and I do this and I encourage my patients to do this all the time. It's literally almost like, and it sounds, you know, it sounds weird, but it's like just take your mind and put it. I always do it. I put it right into my belly. I like take my mind because that's where I always feel my emotion is in my stomach. So I'll take my mind and I'll be like, okay, there's that like pressure ball that's like growing in my belly. And I just like watch that. And then I just, you know, the thought might, another thought might come up and I come back and I watch that, you know, sensation in my body or my face feels hot or I watch my heartbeat. As my heart beats like, you know, going faster or I feel it more intensely, I'll kind of turn my mind in and watch those things happening.

in my body, and then you start to see a shift and just paying attention to your body and getting it out of your mind, mindfulness, but you're being mindful about this very uncomfortable emotion, which is hard. But if you practice that, it really allows you to take control. Excuse me. If you practice that, it really allows you to take control of the process of, you know, whatever it is, anger, grief, sadness, disappointment, because it lives in your body. And if you can pay attention to that and get out of your head, it's going to pass a little bit quicker. The other piece, which I think people would find easier, but I think is probably slightly less effective and is just reframing the thought, which I used to do a lot more

earlier in my practice. And I still use that, but it's like, you know, like whatever. a self-loathing thought is like you're too stupid to ever get a good job something like that and just changing it to say you haven't found the right position yet you know something like that like okay this is what I feel I can't ignore that I feel this way but how can I tweak it to feel a little bit less intense but even I think that takes more mental energy when in that moment you don't have the you know yeah I just think it to think that clearly you know I just think it's I just think that's hard as someone who's tried that where it's like you don't really believe it. So in that moment, you're not like, like, you could still tell, you could tell yourself it,

but like the part of you that's upset is not like, if they believed it, they wouldn't almost like be upset. So it's like, it's almost like someone telling you like, you're okay, you're okay. It's like, well, right. I guess, but like you could say that a lot, but like I'm not. Totally. Totally. I agree. So which is why I think like turning your mind.

inward to something that's present and it's real. You can't deny the fact that your heart is pounding. You can't deny the fact that you feel nauseous in your stomach or whatever those sensations are. That's real. That's happening now and it's something that you can focus on that you're not distracting yourself. That's what feeling your feelings really is. So I think that that's helpful. And if none of this is working, I do think there's a certain period of time where you may want to just vent. And again, I don't think venting self-loathing is going to be helpful, but just, you know, crying and speaking or journaling or calling someone and getting their, you know, feedback or validation might be helpful also. But even that I wouldn't do like on repeat for too long. Right. I agree.

But yeah, so I think for her just trusting that she can feel, have like an hour of feeling this and not even. It could be less, however long it takes. and then she can come back and say, all right, I'm back on the horse. I'm going to go back online and apply for some jobs and, you know, make myself look nice and feel good about myself and go out to a networking event or whatever it is within the same day. She can do all of that. And I love her idea of creating a schedule for self-care exercise. Like, again, not to be, have toxic positivity, but I do think being unemployed is,

a great time to take like a mental health vacation where you just all day long you wake up, you meditate, you make yourself, take the time to make yourself a really nice healthy breakfast, you know, go do some exercise, meet a friend for lunch that you wouldn't have ordinarily been able to do, you know, take an nap in the afternoon or whatever it is and schedule time to look for jobs. And you might have to write it down like eight o'clock I'm doing this, 10 o'clock I'm doing that, you know, and really schedule out a day that you'd almost wish you could schedule if you had a job. That's a great idea. Nice little silver lining. Yeah. Because eventually you will have a job and hopefully you won't ever have time to do that again. Totally. Yeah. I mean, meeting up with friends, I think is a great,

you know, thing to do that you wouldn't have been able to do, you know, getting a fun lunch in the middle of a Wednesday afternoon, whatever it is. Yeah. And it sounds like she was, again, not, she was laid off and as a purely business move. So hopefully that helps her. And there's so many people out there who, you know, are going through the same thing at this point in particular. Totally. All right. You want to read The Betchesist? Sure. Let's do this one. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. First off, thank you so much for all that you two discuss on the podcast. I truly look forward to listening on my commute to work and have related to so much of what you say. I too have named the unhealthy thought patterns in my head by my parents.

name to disassociate from those negative thoughts. Good job. For background, I've been with my husband, let's call him John, since 2013 and got married in 2020 during the pandemic. We're both 27 years old. John was always very athletic growing up. He was the captain of both his swimming and volleyball teams in high school. He was very muscular then and even had six-pack abs. In college, he kept up with some exercise at the gym and hiking, but nothing as rigorous as his previous sports practices. We follow a pretty healthy diet, mostly vegan, and keep active together outdoors. Despite all of this, John has been gaining weight over the last three years and even more in the last year to the point that he looks different than our wedding photos. Overall, he's gone from a size medium to an extra large since we started dating.

He has intentionally lost weight in the past, but always ended up gaining it back plus more. He has the habit of taking large portions, eating quickly, and not talking or taking breaks when eating. I love my husband and always will. no matter his size, but I know he's not happy with his weight gain. He looks at himself in the mirror differently and is sad every time a shirt or pair of pants don't fit him anymore. He exercises two to three days a week and seems to be gaining muscle and getting stronger on top of it. I myself am not the same way I used to be in high school, so I know that's not a fair comparison. I have a history of disordered eating, calorie counting, and excessive exercising, and have come a long way since. I definitely

care about clothes and appearances more than him. Yet recently he told me to take down a photo I posted of him on Instagram because his shirt was very tight fitting on his stomach. My question for you both is how do I talk about these concerns, if at all, with my spouse in a healthy way. I know as his partner, I should never shame him for eating or speak poorly of his body, but I can't help it sometimes. I admittedly find myself poking his belly if it hangs out of his shirt as a joke. Not nice. Not nice. He asked me not to do this and I have stopped. He gets defensive and mad whenever I bring up his portion sizes or ask him to talk to me during

his meals. I try to suggest exercising more or stop eating when he's no longer hungry, but this only creates a further divide between us and ends up sounding less loving and more mean. I really care for his health and happiness. How do I effectively and kindly encourage him to make better choices without coming off as judgmental or unsupportive, sincerely await conscious, wife. I like this email a lot because I feel like a lot of people deal with that kind of thing. And I mean, it's a good, it's a good question. I think we're both in agreement that pointing out

someone's stomach to them when they feel insecure about it is not a very nice thing to do. But it seems like she is not good. Yeah. Not good. Not nice. To me, I wonder if she's ever like asked him how he wants to be supported in what he's going through. Like, She seems to be to be coming up with her own ways of how he should improve based on herself and her own ideas of weight loss and body image and probably whatever lingering distorted thoughts are from her previous eating disorder that she said herself. But to me, if you truly love someone, you want to support them in the way that they want to be supported.

So if he's complaining about how he looks or he seems unhappy with it, you could say instead of giving your own immediately giving your own suggestions for what he should do, which sounds very critical and sounds very unsupporting and loving, you could say something like, what can I do to help you, like, get through this or, like, what is your, what is your goal and how can I help? Totally. I couldn't agree more. I think it does sound like he's giving her these openings. like any time that he's, you know, feeling sad or asking her to take down a picture or saying that he doesn't, you know, isn't happy with how he looks or whatever. He's giving her these openings to exactly what you said, ask him how he wants to be supported.

I think maybe because she has spent a lot of her adulthood and who knows maybe teenage years thinking about weight, figuring out how to lose it, figuring out what works for her, she probably feels like she has all the answers like eat more slowly or um stop eating when you're full or whatever these little tips and tricks and suggestions that she has that work for her that she's trying to impose those on him instead of doing exactly what you said which is i i agree saying i you know i love you i want you to be healthy i want you to be happy um how can i even saying like what can we do maybe we could do something together But flip side, right? And I don't know. She said this and it's hard to tell because if she is still

struggling with an eating disorder, it's hard to tell what's what. But she said in the beginning, they follow a pretty healthy diet, they eat vegan, they are active outside. They're doing a bunch of stuff. They're taking care of themselves. Sometimes at that point, it is what it is. You know, like I always tell people when I work, you know, with anyone, which is a lot of people that have part of what they think about on a daily basis is their body image. If you're eating healthy and you're really doing the best you can and maintaining a pretty healthy diet and you're exercising regularly, the work isn't accepting the shape that you are at that point. Right. And as we get older, we all change. Yes.

Change. So he's probably not going to look the same as he did when he was, you know, 21 years old. If he's, I don't know how, did they say how well they are? Probably not. 27. 27. Right.

So, you know, a kid who's 21 is going to look a little bit different. You know, he's working full time, I'm assuming, or having a different lifestyle. As long as he's exercising regularly and eating a healthy diet, at that point, they both have to just accept that maybe he's a different, if that's what's happening, weight and shape than he was. but I think any conversation should start with, I love you. I want you to be happy. I hate seeing you sad and I want you to be around for a long time.

If it is an issue of him really not being healthy or eating, you know, bad foods or really not taking care of himself, I want you to be around for a long time. I want you to take care of yourself because I love you and I want to do this together. You know, how can I support you? I think is a great question. Right. But I think, I mean, part of it, which she doesn't say explicitly, but it kind of sounds like she's thinking internally is like, maybe she doesn't accept him at this wait. Because she says, I care more about appearances. So maybe she's not going to be like, I love, because part of me was like, maybe she should just say, like, I think you look great now.

I love you. I like, but maybe that's not true. I mean, I'm sure she loves him either way, which she said, like I think she says that in the email. But maybe that's her own internal reckoning. Like is it about him being healthier or is it about you maybe not being as attracted to him as you were? Which also happens probably again with just like with the time of being together for so long, maybe combined with that he looks different physically. But like all people are going to look different physically.

But I don't think that's like, I don't think that's a shameful thought to have of like I maybe was more attracted to you when you were when you were built. And I think that like it doesn't really sound okay to admit that. But I also don't know what you do with that thought. Right. So yeah, I think I agree. First step being honest with yourself. Is this about him being healthy or is this about him being thinner than what he is? When she met him, he had a six pack and he doesn't anymore.

And I think that might be something that maybe was a great. appealing factor when they first met, but most men in their 30s, late 20s are really probably not going to have a six-pack. And it's sad, you might have to grieve the loss of your husband's six-pack, which I get it. It's an appealing thing. But I think for her to, you know, first off, be honest with herself about what she's really feeling. And if this is about her wanting him to look a certain way, then that's going to be, I think, her work. You know, I don't think at that point that that's worth her expressing to him. I mean, I guess it's her relationship.

She can do whatever she wants with it. If she really feels like it's that important to her for her husband to have like an especially fit body above just basically being like healthy and exercising and eating well, that's her prerogative. But I think as far as it would probably serve her best if she really wants to. to stay in the relationship for her to try to accept the body shape that he is, given his healthy routine, if he is being healthy. I'm kind of confused about if he is, because in the beginning, it sort of says that they are. She says he is, he just eats very quickly, which like, don't we all?

Or like. Right. I mean, it sounds like he eats a lot of healthy food. Right. That's what kind of that might just be a trigger for her. You know, maybe that's kind of a, you know, a trigger for her eating disorder, or she sees that as something. But yeah, if he went from a medium to an extra large, he has changed. Right. So she might be kind of coping with that, even not in like a he's not taking care of himself way, but just in a, I married a guy with a really hot body and now I have a guy with a regular body.

Yeah. And how do you? And that's something I agree. She should come to terms with because like, then that, because if she comes to terms with that herself, then she can be like, am I saying this thing because I want to, because he, because my husband feels bad and I want to make him feel better? Or am I saying this thing to try to like, slightly bully him into getting the body that I want him to have? Not about him wanting to have. Because if she's like, he's sad, I don't want him to be sad. She would be like, I love you. I don't care about that.

Like, yes. Or what can I, if like, what is the, what is it more the most upsetting to you about the fact that you don't look the same. Right. And that's like a real, that's a real intimate conversation. And then it's about him and not about you. I love that. I think you hit the nail on the head.

100%. Yeah. I think you have to, you have to figure out what it really is. And if it is about that, that's going to be something that you have to take on as your own, you know, maybe projecting some of your eating disorder stuff onto your husband,

perhaps. And really kind of honing it. on what's important about this relationship. And I do, I will say on the flip side, because I'm sure there are people out there that have this issue where the person really is like just binging on like Cheetos and McDonald's and, you know, doing lots of unhealthy stuff and not exercising at all. So I do think there is a place for a partner to get involved when the person that you're with is not, you know, engaging in healthy behaviors and try to help them.

And I think one of the things that is the most important piece to address when that's happening is the underlying emotions. Because usually it's self-soothing or it's an addiction in some way or there is some type of bigger picture mental health issue that comes along with just not caring at all about your health or your, you know, your diet or exercise, which is like a natural antidepressant. Not doing that is really not beneficial for your health. So I think for people who are out there that's partners are really not doing those things, I think you can address it in this. I want you to be healthy. I want you to be happy. I want to be with you for a long time.

I want you to be around. And that's really what it should be about. So if it is about that, I think you can address it in that way. But if it's just about, oh, he was like super hot body and he's not anymore, maybe you need to deepen your, you know, emotional intimacy to kind of be able to have. something that you can lean on in the relationship. Right. And maybe that's also like a story that she thinks about herself, that she's projecting

onto him. Like his worth is in his body. Maybe my worth is in my body. And she's projecting that feeling that she has about herself because she said she's kind of had those thoughts onto him, which again, I think if she does her own work with her own relationship towards, you know, a fat phobia or like a... Right. Or like her own inability to accept her own body.

might make it very difficult for her to accept her husbands. I agree. And this specific issue about taking large portions, eating too fast, not taking breaks, I think that something's triggering her there. Maybe that was something she did if she ever had an issue with binging or that type of thing. She might have been engaging in those behaviors. So she just has this really negative association with those particular eating behaviors that he may not have a problem with that.

So I agree when you first said, figure out. what he needs and not pushing your personal agenda on him, I think would be helpful. But I do think this is a great question. I think a lot of people struggle with having a partner that's not healthy, although this particular question seems like it might be more about appearances than help. All right. Let's do some intentions. I will read it. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I'm sure you get a billion submissions, but I really hope you see this one. Here we are. I need help setting an intention as I'm trying to move on and let go of an eight-year relationship. We ended things a month ago via text, but the door doesn't feel fully shut due to the way it

ended. The reason for the breakup is because he's not sure he wants kids, and while he says he has thought about a future with me, the kid's thing holds him back for making that happen, which includes moving in together. We both are not great communicators, and over the past year, he had been putting in the work and actively working on it. The last time we saw each other in person, I told him I can't wait much longer for him to decide.

We are both in our mid-30s. The way we ended that meetup made me feel confused as to where we stood. So a few weeks later, I reached out and asked him directly. He said he needed to be alone and get his head straight. And hopefully in the coming weeks, he'd have more clarity. And in the meantime, I should do whatever I need to do to be happy. It's been a month with no contact, but I'm having a difficult time moving on and letting go, even though I know that's what I have to do.

My recurring thought patterns are, will I ever hear from him again? And if not, how can I accept eight years ending just like that over text? Do I need closure slash how can I move on without it? Should I at some point reach out again? How long should I wait? We still have each other's things at our own homes, which I want to get back slash give back. Petty, I know. I've had some okay days and some not okay days, though I have been journaling through all

of this and would love some intentions to help me get through the not okay days. Thank you, a struggling and heartbroken betch. Yeah, this is hard. My first reaction to this is this. isn't, you know, a three-monther that broke up or, you know, after three dates that broke up. This is an eight-year relationship. So I think if she needs another conversation outside of the text that they had, I don't think there's anything wrong with her going back and saying, can we meet up one more time? I just am feeling like I still need some closure here, you know, and maybe she could get what she needs from that

conversation, which I think she needs a little bit more of a concrete ending from him. Yeah. And I don't think there's anything wrong with her reaching back out to get that. I'm usually like a breakup, no contact person, but... This guy is annoying me. Yeah. Like, to me, and I've read a lot of dating and relationship emails over the years, to me, what this guy is doing is he is trying to not be the bad guy by leaving it,

by not explicitly saying... Right. And he thinks he's trying to, he's not, maybe not hurting her, but what he's really doing is avoiding, like, being the one to cause the hurt, he thinks, by not saying, I don't want to... It's over. Yeah. Instead saying you should do whatever you need to do to be happy.

To me, it sounds like it's a nice thing to say, but it's actually kind of a cowardly way of saying, like, I'm not going to like explicitly break up with you because that feels uncomfortable to me. And clearly she said he's a bad communicator. So he's kind of just like letting, which he thinks is nicer, but it's actually just allowing her to suffer for a much longer time in the ambiguity of not knowing what's going on. Yes. To me, the writing is like kind of on the wall here, but I don't blame her at all for needing

to hear it explicitly because I would too. So I think she needs to just be a little bit more aggressive with him in a way of like, not like yell at him, but just be like, hey, we had an eight year relationship. I would like to like end this with like some clarity and some like I would, I would love to be with you. It sounds like you don't want children. I'm not going to tell you what you want or what you don't want. If you can't commit to that right now.

Now, I think we're going to have to say that this is done. And if she takes that, like the breakup into her own hands, then I think she'll feel more empowered and less like she's, because in this whole situation, she's just waiting around for him to tell her if they're in a relationship or not. Yes, yes. And I think she could even along those lines say to him, and if he is a kind person that's trying not to hurt her,

but he just doesn't know how to communicate, I think she could say to her, you not communicating clearly is more, painful to me than you just telling me, I don't want kids, definitely not in the next, like, three or four years, 100%. I don't know if my mind will change after that, but that's where I'm at right now. For her to say to him, it would be better for me for you to just really be extremely brutally honest here so I can move on with my life. You leaving it open and me thinking that maybe you're going to text me in a couple of weeks is just not working for me. So I think,

think she needs to give him the green light to kind of, you know, lay a hammer down with it. Yeah. Cut her head off, as I say. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because people, it's annoying. People think they're doing the better thing by like not doing that. It's like when it's like a ghosting breadcrumbing thing.

It's like the nicer thing to do is not to just not break up with someone by not answering them. It's to be truthful. Do it. Take the Band-Aid off. Totally. I remember in college, like, you know, there's younger guys tend to do this, but then there's like even the worst cowardly way of breaking up with someone, which is either you cheat on them in a way where you think they're going to find out and then break up with you, or you just start to become a bit of an asshole and then force them to break up with you. So I know that there's a, you know, there are people, men and women, that just cannot tolerate the feeling of breaking up with someone.

so to the point that they will torture them over it, either just staying in their relationship being mean or doing the whole like, let's take a break. I don't know how I feel, but maybe I'll text you, but I'm not sure. Cheating on them in a way that they're. Right, do your thing. Right. So I agree. I, you know, does she really need to hear it? I think it sounds like he's sort of telling her without telling her, but I think she can, after eight years, it's, there's no harm in her calling him up and saying can we have an in-person meeting where we just are like really, really honest about where we're at so that this is going to help me be able to move on with my life. And I think she deserves that after eight years.

Yes. Yeah. A hundred percent. So, you know, assuming that she gets that or doesn't get that, I think once she gets it, let's say, I think it's going to help her be able to kind of, again, like we talked about with the first email, like balance the feelings of grief with these feelings of like hopeful future. You know, so the intention that I wrote for her was assuming she gets some closure and it's time for her to move on to kind of tell herself, my feelings of loss are memories passing in waves.

My excitement for the future is a daily reality. So the idea that those grief-ridden feelings are like they churn from memories of what she lost eight years with this person. That's really painful, you know, memories that they had together, memories of things she was hopeful for that she can't be hopeful for anymore. But those things, if you feel them in your body, will come and go in these little waves and they're the past. and the idea that once she allows herself to feel those, she can focus on the excitement for a future with someone who does want kids. That's really exciting that she might actually find a partner that she, that is also excited to move forward and have children with her and kind of, you know, create that balance between at 8 a.m. I'm crying because I miss this person. I'm crying because of the loss of the future that I thought that I had with them.

but that's going to pass. And then at noon, I can, you know, think about this future with the family and know that I'm taking all the steps towards that by ending this old thing that, you know, it sounds like they've been hanging on for a long time. You know, with this eight years at this age is a long time to kind of hang on without some clarity about whether or not you want to move forward. So hopefully she can have moments of feeling her feelings. and then moments of feeling like,

I'm excited that now I'm now on the right path towards a family and kids, you know, a husband and kids with someone that wants the same. She's done the hard work of breaking up with someone who was not going to give her what she wanted, which is very difficult, but it sounds like she's not fully on the other side,

but she's made the moves to get there. So that's a great way of looking at it. Yeah. And again, like you said, even in this conversation with this person, at the very least, even if he doesn't give her the clarity, she should, she needs to take it. So she needs to come out of that conversation with you being unsure at this point is unacceptable

and I am ending the relationship. And we are not going to speak for, you know, six months or whatever it is. Like she needs to take charge of that so that she can then use this intention of, you know, my feelings of loss are passing in waves and my excitement for my future is a daily reality that she is creating herself by taking control, ending the relationship, and knowing that her next step out the door is in the direction of the future that she wants. Agreed. I was going to say she should break up with him, just say, and I don't know.

To me at this point, isn't. So I'm going to move on. Yes. Do you want to read the first triggered? Yeah. Let's see. Hi, Dr. Dana and Dr. Naomi. I've been loving this podcast and find such wisdom in every conversation you guys have.

even if the subject is unrelatable to me. I've used the advice you've given to change my perspective during my day-to-day life. I love that. Love that. That's what we're trying to do. My husband and I have been married for five years and have three kids together, two and a half-year-old twins and a three-month-old baby. God bless you. It's a lot.

Yeah. We try to go out with friends often. He has boys nights once a week and I have a girl's night when I can. earlier this week we hired a live in nanny so I can go back to work and also got invited out to a friend's birthday dinner just three couples who don't go out very often the birthday boy and my husband see each other very often and talk most days of the week we live nearby but don't go out for dinner as couples his wife never likes to go out for dinner my husband asked if it could work for us to go to dinner and I told him I would try as the dinner got closer I realized I was uncomfortable leaving the baby and

asking the new nanny to listen in for her in case she woke up. My husband mentioned he might still want to go because it's his good friend and he rarely goes to dinner with. About two hours before he left, I told him I was a little uncomfortable with him going and if the tables were turned, I would not go without him. We try not to tell each other often what to do, so I told him it was still his decision, but this is how I felt. Do whatever you want.

That sounds like a test. Yeah. He helped me bathe. then get the kids to bed before he left but still went. Can I be triggered that he's alone and had a couple's dinner? Or should I let it go because it's a rare outing with this birthday boy? Thank you. I thought I was a cool wife.

This is a funny one. This is a funny one. I think this probably happens a lot. Yeah, I mean, it sounds to me like she's a little resentful without saying it of like other things. And this was sort of like the, because she says he goes out for a boy's night once a week. And that was the part that stood out to me. go out for a girl's night when I can. Right.

To me, so it sounds like there's a little bit of underlying resentment that he's like, cares less. And I think we talk about this a lot when you talk about parents that like she's probably feeling that even if he's helping her get the kids ready, she's the one who's so worried about them that she doesn't want to leave. Yes. And he's like, all right, well, see you. But on the other hand, I also feel like he's kind of like, so we're both just

supposed to sit here doing nothing because you don't feel comfortable. like with the nanny that's here. Right. Right. 100%. I think that if she is having excessive mom guilt, which it sounds like she is, and I get it. She's, you know, even in the beginning when I was reading this, I was like, all right, they're in the thick of this. They have two, two and a half year olds, two and a half is a really hard age and a three month old. She's probably still even just recovering from having a three-month-old baby that it's, you know, she's, you know, she's still having that maternal, you know, potentially there might be some postpartum anxiety. You know, we call it mom guilt, but I think some of it is like a little bit of postpartum anxiety. So I think

that what she's experiencing, I'll normalize it. But I also don't think that her husband has to enable this type of overly protective potentially, you know, overly protective behavior for her not wanting to go out to dinner and leave the baby with the nanny that they hired that's literally in the house anyway. He's not talking about a four-day vacation. He's talking about a dinner out.

So, but I think this is a matter of communication. I think she has to say, I'm struggling with, you know, feeling guilty about leaving the baby and, you know, it's really hard for me. I know I probably should try to get myself to do it, but I need some support here. And then maybe how that could have turned out is him just, instead of just being like, okay, fine, you don't feel comfortable. I'm out. Have fun with that for him to, for her to ask for a little bit of support for him to say,

she's okay. Everything's going to be all right. You should come. you should come. It's only an hour. You could come back after an hour if you want to. We'll call the nanny and check in. Or just some stuff that's kind of like urging her out of this.

What I see as like a little bit of, you know, I don't know if it's postpartum anxiety, but it seems like a little bit of irrational anxiety about leaving the baby. They hired this person. They must trust her. She's in the house. She should be able to go out to dinner. I get it. I've been in this position.

I know a lot of moms with a three-month-old. She's probably still having, you know, just physical reactions to having the baby. So I'm not saying that there's anything, you know, wrong with it. But I think she needs some support from her husband to kind of say, okay, come on, let's go. Or even, you know what? We'll go if anything happens or you feel uncomfortable. We can leave just for him to be part of the process. Even if the baby wakes up, we can come back, even if it's fine.

Right. Yeah. Something that could be him, he's never going to feel the way that she's feeling, but she can enlist his help and sort of like, I need to push myself and I need your help in supporting me to kind of take these baby steps back to, you know, socializing again. Right. That's a great healthy way to do it, I think. But on the surface, I don't think him going to the dinner without her if she's kind of

irrationally staying home for what seems like no real reason, like, that the two of them both staying at home, I think, is pretty unreasonable. So I would, on the triggered scale, I would rate this personally on the lower end. Yeah. And I think the idea that he could, you know, she needs to communicate what's really happening here, which is that she's struggling. I agree. I think he doesn't have to suffer because she is suffering, even though she is suffering.

And she should, like you said, communicate that instead of just like silently being like probably a little irritated that she feels this way. And he doesn't. right you you should care about whether our baby is safe with the nanny you should care about all these things you know and he's kind of like there's nothing really to worry about we're fine the baby's sleeping anyway um so what do you give this i'd give this um i'd give this um i'd give this a four just because like i'm not in it but i would imagine that she's like very stressed out and maybe i'd give it a three because he did also it says like he helped her

her do all the things before he asked. He helped her put the kids to bed and bathe them. It's like literally if he didn't go, it's not like, I could see if he left her in the middle of like a tantrum and everyone's screaming and she has to do the whole night routine. But like if his alternative is I'm going to sit next to you and listen to see if the baby cries while there's a nanny here. Well, all my good friends are like up the street out to dinner. Right.

Yeah. Then I think that it's maybe it's a two or a three. Yeah, I would agree with that. And I do bump it down a notch because he helped her get everything settled before he walked out the door. So, yeah, I would agree with that rating. All right, let's do one more. Hi, Jordan and Dr. Naomi, I have a triggered scenario for you.

I'm in my mid-20s and I've been in a relationship for five and a half years. Recently, my mother has become obsessed with the idea of me getting married and giving her grandchildren. She brings it up almost every time I'm with her. It felt silly and fun at first to envision my dream wedding, but as time goes on, it's been making me pretty uncomfortable. Lately, she's pitched ideas to ask my friends to be my bridesmaids, wedding colors, wedding dresses, has even told me she wants to take me to see a potential venue.

The kicker is that I'm not even engaged yet. My boyfriend and I have talked about spending our lives together, but we're not in a rush to get married and don't want children for a while. But I'm finding my mom's constant talk about weddings a bit over. overwhelming and pretty off-putting. She's mentioned that since she'll be paying for a portion of the wedding, that's so funny, even though it doesn't exist yet. She expects to be heavily involved in the planning. It almost seems like she's forcing her own dream wedding down my throat. Where have we heard this before? I've been able to brush it off in the past, but it recently came to a head when I

told her I plan on starting to study to become licensed to my profession, which could take a few years to pass all the exams. Instead of being proud and excited for me, her immediate reaction was, how are you going to plan a wedding and study for exams? Shouldn't you wait until after your wedding to take them? Again, she's not engaged. I was really caught off guard by this comment and couldn't imagine why I would want to spend more time planning a hypothetical wedding than advancing my career.

Also, if I did choose to get married in this time frame, I would hope I'm able to manage both. Honestly, her planning and comments have made me extremely uneasy. I'm her only daughter and she's watching all of her friends' children get married and have children, so maybe she feels left out. but I feel this putting an angsty rift between my mother and I. Something that someday should be a fun topic is something I avoid her bringing up every time I see her. I know she's probably coming from a good place, but I'm also afraid that once I have a wedding,

she'll just start asking me for grandkids. How do I get my mom to stop planning my future and to respect my personal life? How triggered should I be, sincerely, daughter of a momzilla? Mom sounds pretty crazy. But you know what? I read this and I felt like it was like a nice like warning for me because, you know, I get like very caught up in like life stages and making sure I'm at the same life stage like all my friends and feeling like I'm like fitting in in that way.

And I'm like, oh wow, this is like a horror story of like the ghost of Christmas future. Of like. Never ending. Right. It never ends. It's not even about her. Now she's like my daughter needs to get married so that I could be, I could have weddings with all my friends. I can have grandchildren with all my friends having.

grandchildren. Which sounds so absurd to me, but like probably sounds absurd. You know what I mean? Like what I'm going through probably sounds absurd to someone else who's out of it. Right. If nothing changes, nothing changes. If you don't put a change in your perspective and needing to kind of like keep up with the Joneses in that regard, you know, I always make the joke like you're going to be

upset about like, you know, how often your kids are coming to visit you at the nursing home and say these kids come twice a week and my kids only come, you know, once a month. then, you know, so it is going to be never-ending. So it's a good practice to start now and just kind of, you know, moving away from that competitiveness, keep moving to the next stage of life. But she didn't mention much about how if she's tried to talk to her about it, obviously, I think the first line of defense is just to let her know that this is really upsetting her. It's taking, you know, dampening her connection with her mother.

It's making her want to avoid. conversations with her and also kind of invalidating her goals and dreams to advance in her career. So I think that there's a first line of defense that I don't know if she's done yet, but I would go there first with just expressing how this is making her feel. Right. And just, I mean, it sounds like, again, she's making the whole thing more about her than about her. She's like, I would imagine your mother would want you first and foremost to feel like happy.

And she's made, it doesn't sound like the wedding to her. has anything to do with her happiness. Another piece of this, and I give this listener a lot of credit for not buying into it, is her, you know, starting to drink the Kool-Aid that her mom's feeding her about, you need to get married and then putting pressure on the boyfriend to propose, which can actually take a real toll on their relationship if they're otherwise happy and then creating this unnecessary pressure. Right.

And I mean, I guess she could, if she wants to be compassionate, she could say, like, mom like what is what is what is what is so appealing to you about me getting married so quickly or me like or in a way that feels quicker than i want to do it or that feels like what is what is so exciting about this and then maybe then again that leaves her mom room to to talk about maybe her own irrational fears of being behind everyone she knows or jealousy that she feels with other people around her or maybe she's also feeling like she doesn't have she wants to plan a wedding because she doesn't have anything going on. Right.

Totally. And then she could be a real honest conversation. Yeah. Yeah. Allowing the mom a little space and maybe the mother would be vulnerable and say, you know what? Like I just feel like I don't know what to do with myself or maybe she's not working or maybe, you know, she's having like a little bit of an empty nest kind of thing. And it could deepen their relationship if she's able to, I don't know how capable the mother is

of communication. but if I agree, I think it's a great way to approach it is to say like, this is making me feel this way. I wonder what's, you know, going on for you that you're so focused on this. And if she could open up and say, you know, I feel sad that all the kids are out of the house and I don't know what my identity is or I don't know what I should be doing with myself. Maybe she could really help her actually find kind of an identity. It is very hard. You know, I'll empathize with the mother for a second, even though she does sound relentless. You know, it is hard when you're, we've talked about how like your identity sometimes when you're a mother just becomes so wrapped up in being a parent that it, you know, you lose some other parts of yourself, which I think is a fear a lot of people have.

I don't know if you have that fear before you have kids of like once this baby's born or even once you find out you're pregnant, everything has to revolve around the baby or you're, you know, or you're not, you're an inadequate. mother. So doing that for 20 years, it's hard to undo it after your kids leave and they have their own lives. It's kind of hard to be like, okay, wait, now, who am I again? Like, where did I start from? So she may need kind of a wake-up call that she needs to find an identity outside of her kids, which I'm sure is hard. It's great. Well, it's nice to know that she plans on paying a good portion of the wedding that that has not happening yet. Totally. It sounds like she's having like intrusive thoughts about this wedding.

Like, yes. Because she's already saying how much she depends, how much she's expecting to be involved in all the decisions of an event that is not on the horizon. Like, yeah. There must be something like, you know, some reason she's fixating on this.

Right. I do think there's some kind of an identity crisis that she's going through and it would probably be beneficial for her to find something to focus on that's more within her own control because she's already saying, and I'm going to have some control. So it's like a way for her to feel in control of some type of, you know, positive experience that she's creating. But it would be much better for her, for the mother to find something that's all for her, all about her that she really does have control over instead of using money potentially to control this hypothetical thing that's not even happening.

But I like the idea of putting it back on the mom. Like, what's going on? Why is this happening? And how can I help you? You know, even like the conversation we had with the husband and the wife, like, how can I support you in finding some happiness in the meantime? Because this isn't happening for a while. And I want you to be happy until then.

That's a great way to put it. I would give this a four, not because it's that triggering, but just because it's really annoying to me. Anyway, I would think it would be like, it would more just be like a little absurd than triggering because to me she sounds like she's like fully like happy with her life in all the different parts going into it so right I guess it'd be triggering in the sense that your mom isn't respecting who you are or yes or what you want or what your personal dreams and ambitions are and has like sort of projected her own feeling of what you should be

onto you that's why I would give it a little higher than a four personally I just think that the relentlessness is triggering because it's kind of like I'm giving you all the hints that I'm not interested in this and you're not taking them so you're not really seeing me. And two, especially with the career piece where she's like, I'm so excited. I'm going back to school. And the mom's like, but what about your wedding? When are you going to wait? Shouldn't you put your life on hold for? So that you can torture your boyfriend about when he's going to propose and sit and watch other people getting engaged on Instagram and be depressed and pressure. You know, like, that's the

alternative, right? Yeah, that's what, that's her dream. That's your dream for me. Right. Right. Exactly. And I see that. I'm so happy that this listener is not in that position. I see so many women that are like just kind of destroying their lives because their boyfriends are not proposing in enough time. So she's like, I'm working on my career. I'm patient. I don't need this. This is not a part of my identity that is integral to who I am. It's just a piece of who I am and I'm going to keep living my life. So I think she's doing all the right things and her mom's got to get on the right page. Back off, mom.

Okay. Well, I would give that, fine. Let's give that one a six. Does that sound fair? That sounds fair. I'll agree. Well, that's it for today. All right.

That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Marilla Pico, and Rebecca Salis McCann. Editing by Massilio Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Friedlander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294.