Oversharing - How To Move Past A Moment Of Rejection

Episode Date: November 29, 2022

Did you wait all day for Taylor Swift tickets, only to have your dreams dashed? Same. Jordana and Naomi talk about the Taylor Swift presale fiasco and tell us why it’s okay to feel frustration and disappointment about something as trivial as concert tickets. Then a previous emailer writes in with an update about clearing the air with her future sisters-in-law over feelings of exclusion. Communication is key, as they say. Another emailer writes in to ask how to deal with feelings of disappointment after getting rejected from a dream job. How do you move past rejection when everyone around you knows how much you wanted it? The Betchicist question comes from a listener who can’t help but overshare her story of growing up with an alcoholic father whenever the subject comes up. Is it better to let the floodgates of honesty stay open even though it may make people uncomfortable, or shut it down at the risk of returning to a place of secrecy? Next, they respond to an Intentions email from someone who is learning to trust their own decision-making. Finally, the Triggered scenarios involve the desire to “own” your anniversary weekend, and a brother-in-law who doesn’t even know your name. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello, and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Dredana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. What's up with you?

How's it going? I want to hear about your weekend. I saw some, it's funny because we record every week, but we kind of get to business. and just start recording. And then I sometimes pop on to Instagram. And I'm like, whoa, where are you? What is going on? Yeah.

I had a nice little, like, work trip with Sammy Eileen, which was in like British Virgin Islands, which was cool. So fun. Yeah. So that was cool. It's nice. It was kind of relaxing, like parts of it. I had a great time, but it was more like business.

So it was like we were definitely on for a lot of it. Right. Which means like, you know, you're like talking a lot and meeting people and which is like, nice, but it's also like for many days in a row. Yes. It is a long time to be on, especially if you're like me and you're not like the number one best socializer in the whole world. So. Yeah. It's kind of like the holidays coming up. I feel like sometimes when you go to like your significant others. And yes, it's relaxing and you don't have to work, but you kind of have to be on, you know. You can't just be like on your phone like doing work or like checking out for like a bit because they're like otherwise you seem rude. So. So, right. And that's true of being with someone's family for the holidays or anything. You kind of have to be like, if you're not as comfortable to be like comfortably sitting in silence or we're all okay to be. Yes. You know, on our phones at the same time, you have to get to that point. Right. Right. You know, you're not at when you meet people especially for the first time. I mean, I'm sure it's funny, I guess especially with meeting people, significant others, like when you're significant others, families for the first time. Because you're really like for, That's your first impression. Right. Talk about having to be on.

Yeah. No, that's a lot. I mean, it's nice because you're kind of like technically not working and you're off and you're relaxing and it's like a relaxing environment. But it's like meet the parents. You know,

you can't be like coming out with the bedhead and the PJs and everyone's like in their sweaters at the table, you know, having breakfast. Exactly. You want to be like comfortable, but not too comfortable. Like you're still.

And especially, I mean, it's funny like the idea of meeting someone for the first time, like on a date or meeting someone's family or even just like something with like a work function it's very much like this is your first impression and therefore it is the only impression that anyone has of you so it's not like they could be like oh that's just like how they are right like whatever you are is um the only part of you that they're seeing so it definitely can be high stress especially for me who isn't super used to talking to new people all the time or it doesn't

like love that socialization aspect of it. Right. All right. So you need a little vacation from your vacation. Well, you got to warm up at least, I guess. Yeah. Like the weather. For sure.

Look kind of nice. That's true. Are you ready for Thanksgiving? We're recording this the week before Thanksgiving. I am not ready for Thanksgiving, but that's what the next few days, hopefully we'll be doing. I'm having a lot of family on my dad's side come in. Very nice.

Must be nice. Since I'm on your mom's side, I can, I'm sure that'll be great. Yeah, so that's going to be, that'll be a good time. Yeah, I don't even know. What are you doing for Thanksgiving? Are you going to Mike's parents? Yeah, we're going to Mike's parents. All right.

It'll be nice. It'll be nice and normal and calm and probably like his mom will make some delicious foods and you can probably just relax. Do you help out when you go? Like are you, I always offer. Helpful, helpful hat. You know, I wait until the last dish is being placed in the dishwasher. And then I say, Connie, is there anything that I'm going to help you with?

I, you know, just put me to work. That's the move. That's the move. I'll push the button. I'll start the dishwasher for you. Right. If there's, oh, I see one more thing left on the table at the end of you clearing it. Let me.

Right. No. No, it is very, I do anticipate, though, you know, I'm sure they're comes a time in every family's history, you know, when the kid becomes old enough that they have like a home that's big enough to host people. Like I'm in an apartment. We're not hosting anyone. We have a two-bedroom apartment. Eventually, I feel like you do wind up doing it all. So it is a right of passage. Right. Yeah, that's true. Is that your justification for not helping out? I do offer, but I do think some people like to just do. Yes. I feel like some people,

it's like their happy place to keep moving and doing and like they don't, they look uncomfortable when they are sitting. Or they want things done like so particularly that it's, they're, it's kind of like easier to just do it the way you want it than to be like, well, here's how I like the dishwasher loaded or, yes, here's how I like the, you know, the potatoes mashed in like a certain way that it's done. I think it can be more annoying to be like instructing someone else how to do something rather than just doing it the way you like to do it. And then you can be like, you go relax, almost just like get out of my way. Totally. Yep. I hear that. At least that's what I tell myself as I'm, you know, not doing anything at all

helpful. And one day it will be you and I will enjoy showing up for that and sitting down on the couch. It's upset that. I'm upset that this is being recorded because I could have just denied that. I've never said that. I said everyone should help. Exactly. All right. So, I mean, one of the, I don't know how much time we have for an intro, but I assume when you were gone. And we, we never really talk about Taylor Swift on here, even though, um, even though I feel like she, all of her songs are about interpersonal relationships. she is like enormous. Everybody's obsessed.

I'm kind of obsessed. I did try to get tickets unsuccessfully. Oh, wow. Were you away when that whole ticket fiasco? No, I was still here. I was still here. I've never been like a concert like enthusiast. Like the large crowds kind of make me a little bit anxious.

So I, but I'm like, I'm down for a con. Like that Taylor Swift is kind of thing where it's like, oh, someone's like, I'm going to like I have tickets. Like let's go. I'd be like course, but I'm not waiting. I'm not waiting on a line real or digital. I'm not paying like exorbitant amounts of money. But if the opportunity presents itself, I will go and be into it.

But I'm not. I don't understand the mentality of someone who's like, I need the tickets. Like I'll pay whatever it takes. I'll wait as long as I need to. I don't think I'm, I'm someone who gets into that. And it's not about Taylor Swift. She's great about anything. Right. Yeah, I could see that, especially to me, I'm like, if you're not sitting really close where you feel like you're with Taylor Swift and you're sitting in the back and watching a screen, to me, that's a waste. But I just found myself through the whole thing just so intrigued about what it is about her that everyone is creating. I mean, and I'm including myself in this. Like, I love her too. She just has this way of taking,

interpersonal relationships, like the little nuanced bits of an interpersonal relationship and like describing it so beautifully and poetically that it makes you feel like somebody else has it's like the reason why I wanted to bring it up on here is because it's almost like this validating feeling of like somebody else has felt the same thing that I felt and is like putting it into words and this beautiful music that goes along with it and and makes it have this really intense emotion behind it. So I just thought we owed it to like kind of at least discuss this. There's two,

whatever it was, 2.4 million people not only that liked her, but that sat and waited and got tickets. Yeah. That's a lot of people. I read somewhere that like to meet the demand, she would have to do like 900 more stadiums or something. Oh my gosh.

Which is, I mean, power to her. I mean, I don't feel that way as much about her most recent songs. Like, I don't feel like those songs are like so hitting a nerve for me about like an exact thing that I feel. But definitely her earlier albums. Right. Especially the ones that were like like red, which is like a little bit more countryish. And she writes about, I feel like she writes about those like three month relationship things. And she, I remember like being in like those little situationships or those three monthers and being so obsessed with these guys and feeling like she did speak to me about.

Like you said, those little nuanced feelings of being so attached. And I mean, it romanticizes it and it makes it feel very dramatic. Which is kind of what you're craving in that moment. Like in that moment when you're feeling it, you're craving like the most dramatic romantic romanticized version of whatever you went through. 100%. But I also feel like, almost maybe like that was maybe a little bad for me, like to be. Like it's more fun now when I listen to it. And I'm like, oh, yeah, I used to like feel that.

Right. It's almost like a little spark of your, of your, you know, drama. Yeah, your dramatic self. But you then get to turn off the music and go back to like watching Netflix and falling asleep in the bed with Mike. Exactly. It reminds you of that like activated attachment system and like the tense longing that you had for someone. But in the moment, I feel like it did create this like when I was going through it and listening to it and crying and like feeling all the the feels about whatever guy it was at the moment. that was doing whatever. I do feel like because it romanticizes it,

it almost like makes you feel like, you know how you said like the neural pathway is like, if I, you know, if I'm thinking about it in this way and he's going to call and it's going to be so exciting when I get the text. Right. That you're kind of practicing like your own intermittent reward system and like that feeling of like,

okay, like yeah, the highs are really high and this song makes me feel, even more high about it. Right. And then it reinforces it as sort of like a healthy way to be, or at least not an unhealthy way to be. So I think it's good and bad, but I totally agree. And now that now that you're kind of out of it, it's funny because I think about like a lot of the Taylor Swift fans that are like super crazy fans. Like I was very interested in the song all too well. Did you hear the 10 minute version of that song? And everyone kind of knows it's like about Jake Jelen Hall. So like you have this sort of background and and apparently,

the fans were like, you know, maybe giving him death threats or being very aggressive with him after. And I'm like, who are these people that are like, and they are the people that are like really in it in that moment of like she speaks my language and like, and now that you're kind of old, a little bit older and maybe, and I'm not saying that you were death, sending death threats, but older and out of it, it's almost like a good reminder of this part of yourself, like you're describing this like, neural pathway that's activated with this intensity, and now that you're out of it, you can step back and almost like observe it from a distance, you know, which I think is kind of interesting and say, like, if that were to happen again, you can almost be aware of it as like a separate part of yourself. That's not you. It's like this dramatic activation of this attachment system thing. That's almost like a, like when you think about it, if your mind is a machine, it's like the machine is like sparking, and smoking on overload, it's time to like unplug the machine and step away from the machine.

Overheating, yeah. It's overheating, right. It needs a minute. So I could see how, you know, some of those songs maybe might not be the best in that moment because you're like, you know, practicing the overheating. You're practicing that neural pathway of like digging into this activated attachment system, abandonment fear thing. Yeah. And then you want more. So you kind of go back to the person who's maybe making you feel that way because you're like, oh, it's so romantic or that goes back to all that other stuff of the story, you know, we've talked about this on previous episodes where you tell yourself a story and then you kind of feel like it's disappointing when it makes the expectations higher and so it makes it worse when it doesn't work out. And I think

that's a lot of the Taylor Swift stuff too. It's like if the story is we were this perfect, incredible match and then you pulled away and it was so heartbreaking because it's like when the end of a movie, when the characters don't get together well you're like, well, that's not right. Like that's not how the story ends. That feels bad. And so I think that that's another part of it

that again turns it into this romantic thing, turns it into this sort of like life or death thing, which is really fun to look back on and feel for like a minute and then go back to your life like you said. But I do think, be bad for you if you are in it. To do it, to overdo it. Overdo it.

Yes, I agree. But I just, and it's funny because I'm glad we had this conversation because I'm sitting, you know, I'm really thinking about like exactly what we're describing is why 2.4 million people waited online all day to get tickets because there's this exciting dramatization of all of your life story that you create for yourself. And she does a beautiful job of taking something that's as simple as like getting ghosted. and turning it into like this whole dramatic, romantic love story. 100%.

And when that album came out, that All Too Well album, I'm the same age as Taylor Swift. So it's been kind of cool also just to be along, like as her music has come out, I'd been in sort of the same life stage as her. So when she was dating all these people who were, you know, maybe she wasn't dating in the most mature guys who were ready to settle down.

and, you know, you had the highs and lows and I was in it now. And now I don't feel like she's writing about, I don't think her songs are really about that anymore because she's also my age and is probably figured out that that's not the path. So it's been fun to grow up next to Taylor Swift in that way. It's true. Well, yeah, I mean, I just, I do love her music and I love the interpersonal. It's almost like taking everything I do and like setting it to music. And so, yeah, I tried. I mean, I'm not, I'm not going to pay a thousand dollars to sit in the last row and watch her on a screen. Well, Taylor, if you're listening, don't send the tickets to Jordana because she does not appreciate them. She did not wait online at all. Yes. Or register for the presale. So send them to someone who's going to really appreciate them.

Oh, I was going to say, send them to us and we'll go and we'll talk more about it because it sounds like she needs more press because she's not doing well enough. Exactly. We do some show here? Should we do some show? I wanted to share a little listener update because or a person who wrote in shared an update with us, which I thought was so nice. And I encourage you guys, if you wrote in, we answered to let us know how the advice went. It's so nice to see when someone was moved by something we said or felt like it helped

them or maybe it didn't help them. And that's also an interesting thing to find out why four too. So totally. I'm very open to even. negative feedback. If something we said didn't go well or didn't hit the spot, constructive negative feedback. Constructive, yes, constructive negative feedback. Just to, you know, let us know what happens because we want to help you. And sometimes I'm sitting here thinking, oh, I wonder what happened with that. So I'm glad that we got an update. You want to read it? Yeah, I'll read the update. Also,

if you have an update or you want to leave the update via voicemail, you can email us at oversharing at betches.com or you can call us at 646363-66-6294 and leave us a voicemail about why, you know, you followed the advice you didn't or just any question you have, for any segment that we have or introducing new segments. The show is, you know, a little over six months old right now. So we're evolving. We're changing. We're adding some things in. We're maybe taking some things out. If you have any suggestions, we're always open to it. Again, constructively not. But no bullies. Medley.

Yes. Exactly. Okay. So this is in response to the woman who wrote in a few months ago saying that she was holding on to some resentment towards her now fiancee sisters for how they treated her in the beginning of the relationship. They were, I think she kind of said they like, they didn't like her. They felt like she was taking her brother from them.

She thought maybe. And they just had a lot of like tense moments with them and their mom. and she didn't know how to deal with it or she didn't know now they were getting along better. She didn't know if she should bring it up. So we gave her some advice there. We can put in the description of the episode, the episode that we're referring to if you want to go back and listen to that. If you're new here, if you don't know what we're talking about, we'll put that in there. Hi, I'm back with an update for you. While on a recent family vacation, I had some uninterrupted quality time with my fiance sisters. In the moment, I brought up how happy I was that we

are all in a better place. I apologized for the part I played in the conflicts of the past, and they apologized too. We had a really productive and vulnerable conversation where I felt like my feelings were validated, and I think they felt the same. The one sister told me she felt like she was losing her brother once I became an important part of his life because they used to be so close and acknowledged she treated me unfairly because of that. It felt good to hear that because for a long time, I wondered if I'm really the problem. On my end, I expressed how I felt excluded and like I was not welcome in the family. It struck nerves for me because I've wanted sisters my whole life. The rejection hurt, and I put up a tough exterior as a defense mechanism where I kind of shut

everything out, further adding to the strain dynamic. Thanks for the advice. Since we had this conversation, I've noticed the relationships between both me and my fiance sisters and between him and his sisters have gotten better and more natural. My fiance is relieved too. His mom is still tough, but that alone we can handle, especially because all of his siblings deal with the same behaviors from her. My fiancé and I both can finally envision and feel good about what a healthy relationship of this family will look like going forward. And there was a time where that was not the case.

Thanks again, vulnerable patch. This is awesome. Such a nice note. Yeah, I'm always a fan of just like clearing the air, at least trying. Sometimes people will come into me and say, I've tried to talk to this person. It didn't go well. Or, you know, I've tried a couple times. It didn't go well.

Okay, at that point, you have to accept whatever it is. But if you've never really tried to have the vulnerable conversation and the way she did it, which I think was great, kind of saying, like, I'm glad things are better now. I'm going to own up for my part in this. And it kind of opens the door. It really sometimes, it's just crazy how one half an hour, an hour conversation can really change an entire dynamic in a relationship and make it feel so much better. So I'm so glad that she had the courage to do it and that it worked out. well. Yeah. Thank you for the update. If anyone else, again, has an update, send it in. We'll read it. Again, if you're not sure which episode we're talking about, and you want to check that out, we'll put that in the episode description. Should we do an overshare? Yeah, let's do an overshare. All right, you want to read it? Sure. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, love the podcast. This year, I had the chance to apply for my dream opportunity to pursue my graduate education for free at a top university in my field. Everyone in my life knew that this was my dream, and I spent months perfecting my resume,

getting multiple letters of recommendation, writing essays, and preparing for interviews. I made it to the final stage of the selection process and ultimately didn't receive the opportunity. I have a lot on my mind now. I always knew the opportunity was a long shot, but I'm disappointed. Also, I feel embarrassed that I made such a big deal of this opportunity to my friends and family when I didn't even win it. My friends have been trying to comfort me and I really appreciate their intentions, but it makes me feel awkward. My questions are both personal and interpersonal. How should I come to terms with this rejection?

How can I balance mourning the rejection with trying to move on with my life? I do have a backup plan, although I'm less excited about it. Furthermore, how do I deal with the embarrassment I feel when people in my life ask how I'm doing and try to comfort me? I feel like my embarrassment is making me push people away who genuinely want to help. Thanks so much, a disappointed vet. I like this question a lot. Yeah. Because, you know, I struggle with that kind of thing a lot, especially when, you know, you share a goal. Or I have like a hesitancy, I think, to share a goal because then I'm kind of like, well, this is going to be embarrassing if I'm talking about it so much. And then I, one, then people are going to ask me about it. And then I have to tell them that I didn't get it. And I have lived a lot of life by not sharing things until they happen. Yes. is a protective mechanism, which I don't know if that's the correct way to do it. So I'm wondering what your take on this is and like, what's your approach towards trying to do

something or sharing your goals? And I think she writes about this job, but they could be so many things. People right, you know, have so many goals in life and so many different things that they're working on. Well, I think that, you know, we always talk about here, like where you focus your attention is where you live your life. So it is, I'm going to validate how hard it is that she's been so focused on this goal for so long. And now that it's gone, she's kind of like not sure what to do with all of that mental energy and the place that she's shifting it doesn't feel quite as exciting. So I can see why this is really disappointing. But the other way that that plays out in terms of her interpersonal relationships is that if she didn't really share that with them the entire

time, she would just be spending months or however long this was, kind of like having fake conversations with them, you know, not really talking about what was really on her mind and what she was really going through, which I don't think is going to be good for her relationship. So I do think she made the right choice in including them. I mean, that's who she is and what she was really genuinely going through. I think the part that might make it easier for her on the back end now that she's not gone through it. And I talk to a lot of people that do this in dating situations where, like, they're excited about somebody that they've gone on like two or three dates with. And that's kind of what they really want to talk about. But they don't want to mention it

because they don't want the follow-up questions a week later when it's fizzled. And now they have to say, like, oh, he never called me back, which is sort of embarrassing. or even if it is a work goal, yeah, I never got that job. But two things can happen. One, either you feel like processing it. So you process it when they ask you how it's going and you just tell them how you're really feeling and how you're disappointed. And that's what friends and family are for.

Or the alternative is, let's say you've talked to 10 people about this and then you have processed it with like two or three of them. And the fourth person asks you and you're like, oh, I really don't feel like doing this again. I don't feel like having this conversation. I want to move on with my day. You have to trust in your own boundaries that you can say to somebody, I didn't get it. I really don't feel like talking about it, but thank you for asking. And move on. Yeah. And that's it. I think a lot of times you feel like, because you've talked about it so much, you kind of owe them more of an explanation or you owe it to them to kind of go into the details and maybe down the road you will at some point. But I think you can also

take some solace and that this is something you're going through. This is your thing. So you are entitled to process it at the pace that you want to with people. Right. That's a perfect, I guess, explanation of it. You really put into words, I think, exactly how people feel when they say these things. Because sometimes, you know, you've talked about, especially when it hasn't happened, you're like so excited about it.

So you're talking about it to everyone. And then in your mind, you're like the person deserves an update. But usually, again, if it's about you, it's your thing, like they're just asking, I mean, obviously, I'm sure they kind of want to know, but also it's more for you. Right. So if you're not getting something out of it, then there's no reason to share because you owe them that. Like, it's not about them. You could ask them about their thing if you think it's about. Right. So most people just ask you one either to be polite because because it's, or it's because it's something to talk about. Right. But they're not nearly as invested in it as you. Like they don't need the update as much as you might need to talk it out with someone. Totally. You need it to them. And I think in this situation, it's not like you were married for 10 years and the relationship was unraveling and you've been venting to your best friend for the last 10 years.

Then you call her and you're like, we got a divorce. I don't really want to talk about it. This is like you applied for a thing. You didn't get the thing. That's it. I didn't get it. You know, you're giving them. Right. The information that they need, I don't think you necessarily need to go into it, but the embarrassment piece, right? That's like interesting. And I think something worth just talking about because, I mean, as an outsider, I look at this and it's like, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. I mean, it sounds like this was a very elite opportunity. You got to the last round. You put in all this time and effort and work and, you know, put your best foot forward and we're trying to do the best thing you could.

which a lot of people were not doing anything like that at that time. And you close, but no cigar. And I just don't think there's anything to be embarrassed about here. But she obviously feels that she does, although, you know, would it be more embarrassing to have not even tried at all? Like, neither one are embarrassing. But it's almost like, would it have felt better that I don't think I could get that. So I'm not even going to bother trying.

Like, I think for her sense of self, if she's really self-reflecting, she would rather have tried and not gotten it than not even bothered trying because she was afraid of not getting it. I think if you asked 10 people, 10 people would say, go for it. That's more, it shows more character than just quitting before you even start. Yeah, I think failure, though, is just like a little embarrassing. What is the opposite of pride? I'm proud that I got this. The opposite can feel like embarrassment because I put myself out there. Maybe I've said, I'm so excited about this, like as if it's going to happen or, you know, I was too, I think the embarrassment comes from

this sense of, oh, maybe I came off too confident in this. Right. And for me, I think embarrassment is about that. I don't want to speak for the listener because I think it's kind of like, okay, was in the sense of like delusion, like, oh, was I just going about this thing, like talking about it is if it was definitely going to happen. And everyone else knew that it was maybe not going to happen. And so I was, you know, they were right and I was wrong. Like I was, I was delusional and or I didn't read the situation accurately. And I guess that feels embarrassing.

Right. Yeah, I could see that. Although, I mean, I could see that for some things if you're like, I'm going to try out for a Broadway show or something and you're just like, but she said she made it to the very end to the last round. Like she was close, you know, she was, it's not like she's delusional here. I do think it has to, you know, this is a good moment to reflect on like, what are the qualities? Like you almost sometimes just let your mind take over like you're saying. Like, okay, I didn't achieve success. I failed. So therefore I'm embarrassed instead of saying, breaking it down and saying,

what qualities are important to me about myself? What are the qualities that I value in myself? is it perseverance and hard work or is it that I go to an Ivy League graduate school or whatever it is that she's looking for? And I think sometimes you do get caught up in like the names and the name dropping and being able to say that I'm at this school or that school. Is this really going to change the course of her entire career? I don't know. I would venture to guess no. I think the idea of like working hard and pushing through and, you know, continuing to to persevereating. towards your dreams, I think is probably going to lead towards her success more so than getting into this one particular program. Yeah. But on that note, I think it is like she said or she implied.

It isn't, she can grieve it. She can be really upset about it. And I think if you don't allow yourself to do that, that's when it becomes like a thing that's a thing in the back of your head that you're always, you go back to when you want to tell yourself you're a failure that you're not good enough or something like that. If you don't actually, actually take the time to be like, okay, this really sucks. I feel really bad. And then to go back to what you always suggest, like, what does that feel like in my body? Like, what does it feel like to feel really upset about this?

Totally. And so I do think she needs to let herself have those feelings, but I would resist the urge to get in your head and create an identity around it or allow your mind to come in and do the, like, embarrassment thing. the embarrassment thing is a product of your mind and not your feelings. So if she wants to feel, you know, sad or sad about, like, what is she actually feeling sad about? That's something to figure out. Maybe it is going to affect her future somehow. Maybe it is going to affect how much money she can make down the road or what types of exciting programming she can be involved in. And

that is a real loss. And that is something that she probably does have to grieve. So I think, Like you said, creating that balance between mourning the rejection and then really feeling it and then moving on and trying to think positively about and being rational. Because she's focused so long on this thing, there's no way she would have been able to do it if she didn't build it up in her mind. It's almost like, you know, if you're taking the bar and you're studying like all day, every day, 12 hours a day for three months straight or however six months or whatever it is, you have to tell yourself that that means a lot. Otherwise, you wouldn't be able to do it. So then if you fail, you're sort of like, I've already told myself the story about how important this is.

And now I have to kind of undo the story about how important this is in order to be okay with what just happened. So I get it. But your perception is your reality and changing it is okay too. So how do you do that balance of I'm mourning the rejection of this? I'm mourning whatever, like that, whatever that story would be. but then I'm also not, I'm letting it go. Right. Yeah, I think it's what I try to do is realize that life is moments.

You're not going to feel, you can't take this two-week period or a week next week period or the next month period and like expect yourself to feel one way every moment for the next month. You have to say, like at 1232 on Tuesday, I felt embarrassed and I felt sad and I felt disappointed. And then at 132, I was researching my next move and felt excited and felt, and I allowed myself to have thoughts that made it feel like there was a different perception. So I think you have to just see yourself and your emotions and your mindset as like a series of moments instead of trying to squeeze yourself into a box of like, this is how I have to feel all day, every day. That's a very interesting point. because a lot of the times you take the same situation and for me a lot of that was like the fertility stuff

and all that other stuff where it's like at different moments of the week I feel totally differently about it. At some moments I'm like this sucks. I feel like behind. I feel like annoyed or frustrated. And then other moments I'm like, oh this is kind of, you know,

see something annoying someone a parent is dealing with and you're like, oh, this is kind of nice. Like I don't have to do that. I'm not worried about this. And so it's hard to almost tell yourself, like, when you speak to your own mind about it, you're like, how do I feel about it? Right. You're not really sure.

Right. And that can almost, I'm not, you're not really sure what to do with that uncertainty. And I guess I don't know if you need to do anything. But a lot of the times you feel like you have to like box up your experience in a little package and label it and label how you did with it. And then like, that's how you feel about it. but it's so, I feel like not like that. Life doesn't feel like that.

100%. Like for these catchups, if someone's like, oh, you know, you have to call and you have to say how you feel about not getting the position,

you kind of feel like you have to create a little summary story to give to everybody. When the real story is, right now, as I'm replaying this, I feel this. 10 minutes ago before you called and asked, I felt that.

And in half an hour, I might feel the other way. That's really the summary of your experience. You know, when you're distracted, you're not thinking about it. When you're in it, you're in it. And maybe you feel like you are hysterically crying for a half an hour about it. So maybe the best way to deal with them is to, you know, just be where you are in that moment.

If you feel like talking about it and you want to cry and show the grief side to that particular person in that moment, that's what you're experiencing. If you're feeling like, I want to kind of box this up and put it away and move on, then that's what you show to that person in that moment because that's what you're feeling in that moment. And you don't owe it to anybody to, you know, have a very exquisitely designed, concise summary of all of your feelings about this, like on the moment that they decide to call you and ask how it's going. Exactly. And that's the key thing at that moment. And you could easily say to someone like, hey, didn't get it. Don't really want to talk about it.

I might in the future, which case I'll definitely like call you and I would love for you to help me in that case. But at this very, at this exact moment, I just, I'm feeling good about it. I'm feeling okay. And so I, I'd rather just not rehash it. Yeah. That's it. I appreciate your support. Yeah. I like that. And I think people, anyone would, if I was on the other side of that, I would be fine with that. You know, if I was there for somebody and listen to them and I was excited and I was like, okay, did you get it? And they said, no, I didn't, I really don't want to talk about it. I appreciate you being there for me, but I'm not, you know, I don't really want to discuss it. I'd be like, okay, no problem. Yeah. And you'd probably say, if you ever do, let me know.

I'm always, I'm here. All right. Well, that was very helpful for me and hopefully the listener. Do a betchaist email. I'll read it. Hey, Trudana and Dr. Naomi. I've been a big fan of various betches content for years, and I'm loving over sharing. thanks you for this space. Here's my issue. I grew up in a household where my father was an active alcoholic, and he still is. He goes through waves where he's drinking secretly, although we all know it's happening, for weeks and months until it gets out of control and he has to go to a detox facility. This pattern repeats over and over. Additionally, my parents are Eastern European, which means we do not talk about this issue with anyone and not even among each other in our household. We are just supposed

to pretend it's not happening. Needless to say, this has left me, with some residual issues that are still affecting me in my 30s. In my childhood, I just accepted the unsaid rule that this was a secret, we don't talk about it, and that family issues are private. Furthermore, this was all normal to me. It wasn't until I got to my 20s and interacted with other families that I saw this was not, in fact, normal, and eventually ended up in therapy to help me sort through

how this has impacted who I am today. I see an addiction specialist and attend group therapy for adult children of alcoholics. Here is my question, though. I feel like once I finally opened up about this, I can't seem to stop talking about it. It seems like anytime friends or family bring up dads or family issues, I can't stop myself from using that as an opportunity to connect or vent about how shitty my own father has been and continues to be. The worst part is I keep doing this around my boyfriend's family too. They're family with incredible dads and very few family issues, quote unquote.

They always ask how my parents are doing or specifically how my dad is. And rather than brush off the questions, I, of course, tailspin into a vague but also TMI story about how he's toxic, struggling, mean, etc. I can see in their face that I'm making them uncomfortable and they quickly back out of the conversation, leaving me to feel awkward and embarrassed. In these interactions, I'm trying to be open, honest, and to try and destigmatize the conversations around these issues. Also, I would love for this family who I've been around for five years to get to know me as I truly am, even if that involves some challenging, background. I know my father isn't me and he isn't my whole story, but it feels wrong acting like he's great and fine just to keep conversation light. Additionally, I feel like I'm wanting to be truly seen beyond the surface level, but fear I'm taking it too far. Anyway, help. Should I keep

being awkwardly honest and open, even if it's uncomfortable because that's what's real? Or should I force myself to play the small talk game and revert back to my childhood self where we keep the dirty family secrets quiet. Thank you and thanks for any insight you can provide a torn about my TMI, Betch. What do you think? I can relate to this personally. I think there is sort of, we're lucky that we have all of our siblings. Each other.

Yes. So I do, I've gotten feedback that like when we're all together, we do a lot of talking about like all of our family stuff, you know, that. Oh, you've got. that too. I get that very frequently. Right. From my husband as well. Right. That it's kind of like you just crave to talk about this with people that know what, you know, we make jokes about it and we like, you know, turn it into like a fun, funny banter type thing. But we're lucky that we have each other and we can do it so we don't have to do it like with our in-laws or with other people that are not really

in there. So I could see why. for her, it's tough because it sounds like she, it does sound like she has siblings, but they don't, they also don't want to talk about it. So she has no place really to get that validation from or get just the space to openly call a spade a spade

and talk about what's really going on. That's a great point. Yeah, Mike is like, you guys seem to talk about your mom's divorce from 40 years ago pretty often. Right, right, right. Because it's, you know, there's something that feels nice about being like, this is the real deal.

And it's like not something you could talk about like all the time. But when the right platform arises, you really kind of use it to relate and to connect. And I get what she's saying. She wants to like have this family connection over it, which I think is why she's going to her fiance's family, but they're not in it. So they're probably just, they don't want to probably say anything bad about her father. and they don't want to pry, so they probably just feel a little bit awkward

and uncomfortable, but I can understand why she's kind of craving this with them. My advice would be to see if she does, I don't think she mentioned specifically if she has siblings, but I would see if maybe they're open to having some conversation about this,

and that might be a better space for her to really do some of this with her own family. Yeah. No, I totally agree with that because it can be hard, especially, like, to explain your whole family dynamic to someone. There is a sense of a lot of people don't get it. Even if you could get the facts of like this fact and that fact, but having a lived through experience with someone similar to you is a much different story. Right. And then you can also share like the more recent things like, oh, I called dad to ask him.

him how to fix my flat tire and he was so drunk that he couldn't even like talk to me. And then the sibling says, yes, that happened to me the week before. And there's like this sharing of common frustrations with the same exact frustration, which nobody else is going to experience except for somebody in your family. So I think she's kind of trying to get it. I'm not going to say in the wrong place because I understand that that's going to be her new family. And maybe there's like one person there that seems like they're a little bit more capable of leaning into the conversation instead of doing it like in a larger group or with several people. I think all she might need is like one person that can really lean in and validate and ask the right questions perhaps.

But I think if it is, if they do seem like they're not leaning into the conversation, she's not going to get what she wants out of it. It's going to leave her feeling kind of embarrassed or, you know, left out to dry anyway. So I don't know that it makes sense to keep kind of beating her head against the wall with that. But maybe if she did it privately, like with one person, she might get a better outcome. Yeah. Well, what about with her fiancé to me? Right.

Maybe like, and again, if he's from a family where they're not really looking to get too deep on issues or analyze them together, he might not be like that either. but it is nice, even if it's not the fiancé or it's one friend who maybe a childhood friend who knew your parents growing up that also can have anyone who can kind of

the closest you can get to the lived experience and I think it's great that she goes to this group because the group is probably like, okay, if you don't have siblings who are all experiencing the same thing, here's a group of other people or you can make a friend maybe through that group

that you could vent and talk to about that who would understand it a lot more than others, you know, especially for people who have been what I've heard in not just the groups for surviving family members of alcoholics, but if you are an alcoholic, I feel like that's why someone has a sponsor so that when they have that feeling of this made me want to drink, they can speak to someone who's also had that feeling. Yes. Yeah. I think that as far as the boyfriend's family, if they ask about the dad, I don't think she has to sugarcoat it. I think you could say yeah, he's still really struggling. Not much has changed. I just leave it at that. You don't have to say everything's fine. He's doing great, but I don't know that you need to like go into all the nitty gritty details of it necessarily with them. And then this might, I don't know, I'll raise this as a question for you and see what you think. She's in the group. She's in therapy. I don't know if she's talking to her fiancee, but there is such a thing as like kind of you're replaying the script over and over again. And I don't know if that's helpful. You know, like we're talking about, like, playing the Taylor Swift song for the 17th time and, like, kind of, like, training that neural pathway to keep working.

Like, maybe it's not the best thing for her to keep revisiting the story or the same story about how something that her father did, you know, and maybe there is this urge. She does sound like she's having this urge to kind of, I don't know if it's ruminate, but, like, repeat this story again or say something maybe more than once. Like, obviously, I'm a therapist. I think it's important to get your feelings out and to talk about things that are bothering you. But what I don't think is helpful is repeating the same stories over and over and over again, you know? It's so funny. I feel like there is this fine line. And I find myself crossing it too between like, again, expressing myself and working through something and being a little indulgent.

it feels, I mean, it's weird to say indulgent because you're talking about your father's alcoholism or, you know, a traumatic experience with a parent. So it's weird to use the word indulgent, but to me, sometimes when I'm in it and I'm doing the same thing or I'm telling the same story over and over again or where even with the siblings, I think sometimes we, we all do that a little bit too where it's like this almost like there's like, there's sort of like a hero and a villain and I can like replay that thing. and is it actually helping to serve us all anymore? Do we all kind of already know everything? Like, could we move on? Right. Ish. Maybe.

Yeah. But where's the line? I don't know. How do you know? There's something about, well, I see it a lot in therapy. So the line that I see is like when you're literally saying the same thing and getting activated and worked up in the same way. I'm not even talking about, okay, once, twice, three, even three times.

or four times there's a processing. But after that, after it's like the third time that you're kind of telling the same exact story and repeating, there's something about the validation that activate validation. That's a big word. For couples therapy, for childhood trauma, for there's something that feels really good about feeling validated. And that's what you're talking about. The indulging in the validation is, I think,

what ends up kind of feeling like a little bit addictive or a little bit like it causes rumination. Like you say the same thing over and over again with the hopes that the person on the other end is going to validate you, then that feels really good. But it doesn't quite, doesn't fix it. It doesn't really make it go away because three days later you're seeking the same validation from someone else, from a different friend. Like, you know, I remember growing up and hearing adults in our house kind of like telling the same story over and over again to multiple different people and like hearing it like I'm hearing the one end of the phone call. I don't hear the other end of the phone call but I'm hearing like the same story and I'm like

you just had this conversation 20 minutes ago with a different person now you're having it again obviously the first one didn't fully scratch the itch. So I wonder if there's a part of this that's like a little bit of rumination. If you're listening, I want to validate that I understand why you want to feel seen and heard and connect to your boyfriend's family in this way. But I also think it's good to be mindful of like ruminating about your family trauma and seeking validation repeatedly. And then at some point you have to stop and say, this isn't really helpful.

This isn't making me feel any better. It's actually like reinforcing the same storyline. Right. And making it hard for me to shift to another storyline. Yeah. I mean, it's funny. I feel like I'm having my own therapeutic breakthrough. Because I've had that conversation with my therapist too about, you know, the way we

experienced, again, other people's stories about their own lives retold over and over again. And then my tendency to do that, especially in romantic relationships, where it causes you to, you know, I would be seeing the same guy and doing the same, repeating the same pattern over and over again. And why are you so committed to going back to that storylines? Because that's sort of what you learned. It feels good in that moment. But what about, and he would always be like, what about a new story? What if it wound up a different way? Yes. What if, like, what if we let go of that? And then the news story, maybe, again,

maybe that's for her. The news story is this happened. Okay. But like now this other thing is happening. Now like here's a different way to look at the future. That helped me back. And then I, you know, I got over that hurdle. And then I, I tried it a different way and that way worked so much better. Yes. Yes. I tried dating a different guy. And that, that experience showed me that it can be way different, way better. So a combination of finding somebody who can relate to get some of that validation, but being mindful of how much validation you're seeking and whether or not it's really helping, I think is important for this person. But yeah, what's the story? You've written the story. I could tell. You've clearly written the story,

and I get it. You wanted to feel empowered that you didn't have to like live. She spent so long, like hiding from the story. And the story was, dad's fine, everything's fine, our family's fine. So I think she felt empowered in stepping out from that story, right? So now there's a new one and maybe you can feel empowered to shift the storyline again. And one last thing, I also just feel like, before we wrap this up, there is this sense of my family has to be the closest people in my life to me or like, because I'm marrying into this family, then it's so important for these people to get me. When I really don't think that's the case at all. Like, a friend is. is just as powerful, if not more so, than a family, a lot of the time. So it's kind of like,

whoever, I would just lean into the person you feel gets you the most. And sometimes that's your family. And sometimes that's someone in your therapy group or whatever it is. Right. Yeah. Like, I don't think that just because you are technically have this like label on yourself, that means that there's necessarily going to be any more intimacy than in any other relationship. Yeah. I agree. I totally agree. And I don't think you all. also have to go back to your old self and say, yeah, my dad's great. I think you can keep it short and sweet. Yeah, same thing. Nothing's new. He's still struggling, but thanks for asking. I move on and then find somebody who you're not going to feel like regretful and awkward

in opening up to. And you're right, it doesn't have to be a family member. It could be a friend. I think it would be kind of great for her if she could get one of her siblings to kind of get to that place. But if she can't, then a friend, I think, or someone in her group therapy or, you know, would be another great alternative. Well, we got another submission for in our new intentions segment. This one is bulleted, so they've made it even easier for us. I love it. I love this.

Yeah, it's great. Do you want to read it? Yeah, I'll read this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. Love the podcast. Thanks for tackling the tough conversations. My friends and I love to discuss and debrief episodes when we hang out. That's awesome.

All right, writing today about intention setting, here's some background. I moved to North Carolina for a job a few years ago. Once there, I loved and really excelled at the job I had moved for, bought a beautiful house, and was a great relationship. Things in general felt stable and like I was in my groove and making good decisions. However, I missed home, family, and good friends in Massachusetts. And so after only about a year and a half in North Carolina, when I got an out of the blue job offer for a similar role back in Massachusetts, I weighed the options heavily and then decided to

take the job and move back home. Once home, I was thrilled to be near family and friends again, but it set off a cascade of other life disruptions. I hated the new job. My stable relationship couldn't make the leap and ended over distance, and I couldn't afford a house in Massachusetts and live with my parents for a bit before settling for a tiny apartment that costs more than the mortgage for my entire house in North Carolina. These life changes and negative. These life changes and negative results have impacted my generally positive outlook on things quite a bit, and I found myself in a rut. Here's what I find my patterns to be. Patterned thoughts. I'm not as good at making decisions for myself as I thought. It doesn't matter how much you analyze and try to prepare. I can't

trust myself to make big life decisions. I quote unquote blew up my stable little world for no reason, even though I try to acknowledge missing my family and home is a very real reason. Patterned fears. Changing things again will lead to more negatives. I'm afraid to change jobs or my apartment and fear of getting myself into an even worse situation. I've noticed that I have a lot of decision fatigue now and end up just not acting on things and delaying things with deadlines. Goals. Break the negative chain of thoughts and trust that I am capable of decision making for myself and not every big change will equate to a huge negative life disruption. Create an intention that helps empower me to move forward when I'm feeling stuck.

Thanks for all you do. I can't trust myself, fetch. This is a great one. Yeah, I thought this was great. I think a lot of people feel like this when they, I mean, first of all, just get very stuck and paralyzed in decision making in general and feeling like they've made a decision and if the outcome isn't what they wanted, that it can create this type of fear of decision making,

going forward. So I think a lot of people can probably relate to this. Have you ever made like a big decision and had it not go? That's why I don't make any big decisions. Right. It's true. I think a lot of people can relate. Yeah. I mean, I didn't think of this before reading this email, but it is interesting that a lot of people who are just like the connection between decisiveness and trust in yourself. I didn't really think of that before. But I guess it's a big thing. Like if you're able to make a lot of decisions easily, and quickly and in a big way, it means you probably trust your own gut and trust your own instincts, like much more than someone who doesn't make a lot of decisions or fears making decisions. So that's a very good, interesting thing that's brought into it for me.

Right. Yeah. And, you know, the thing that came to mind for me, and we've talked about this before, is the whole like internal locus of control or external locus of control, which is sort of like, are you the type of person that waits for the environment to be as you needed to be in order to feel sort of in control of your life? Or are you the type of person that's like, okay, I am in control of my own experience regardless of what's happening on the outside. So I think that when you're stuck and you don't make decisions well,

it's almost like I don't trust that I can tolerate what happens if, this doesn't go well. You know, it's almost like you're really giving the, your environment a lot of power over how you feel instead of kind of falling into this place of like, okay, this outcome might not be great. You know, I might not like this new job or I might end up. I mean, I think a lot of things happened at once for her. Like she lost the job and she lost basically three pretty big pillars, her job, her housing and her relationship. So I could see why she feels like I can't trust myself to make decisions, but the universe is going to spin and things are going to happen. I mean, an alternative thing that could have happened is she could have stayed in North Carolina and God forbid something terrible could have happened to her parents.

And then she would have regretted not moving back and spending time with them or, you know, like you're never going to be able to control for all of the factors. So I think at some point you have to take more control. and this is where I think the intention that I would create for her is going to lean more on taking control of your internal experience, regardless of the outcome of what's going on around you in your life, in the sense of like, okay, right now this job isn't what I want it to be. Right now, my apartment is smaller than my house, whatever that is that's happening around her, but allowing herself to say, I have to make some choices in my life. Sometimes they're going to go the way I want them.

Sometimes they're not. But I have the power to experience this in a way that I could, whatever I choose to focus on is how I'm going to feel. So she could focus on that she is with her friends and family, which I think was, you know, something that was obviously important to her. And she still has that. So she's kind of being, like, distracted by all of these external, factors, which, you know, satisfaction at work in terms of liking what you do is important, and she doesn't have to stay there forever. But I think she could take some more power over her

experience versus just allowing the outcome to be the determining factor of her satisfaction in life. And what would taking more power of the experience look like? Where is she going to focus, right? Is she going to focus on, I'm with my family, I'm with my family, I'm with my friends. I'm going to make social plans. I'm going to, you know, enjoy what I have, which is that I can run over to my parents' house for dinner whenever I want to, or is she going to focus on, I don't like this job, I made a bad choice. I had so much control over my life, and I made a choice and I turned it all upside down. You really don't have that much control over your life. Yeah. I also think she's attributing all these other things to the decision to move when, like, the relationship thing, I'm kind of like, she's like, the relationship couldn't withstand the distance.

Was that a relationship that you really, clearly you valued being closer to home more than you valued the relationship, which is not a bad thing necessarily or, you know, a good or bad thing. But she's saying, well, I've lost this thing. Well, it's like, maybe that wasn't the right thing for you anyway. you know, maybe you didn't need as much space as you had at the house that you had in North Carolina. Maybe this is a much more convenient location. Maybe it's a busier city and you can easily meet new people to go out with here. I think a lot of it is also like the perspective around the things that have happened to her. And instead of the perspective being like, well, maybe like here's the positives of all these different things. She's saying, here's why I destroyed my life because all these things

are different and different doesn't necessarily have to be bad. She's just choosing to think of them that way. Right. And she has this very like one to one comparison. Like here's this house, here's this apartment. This one's bigger. This one's smaller. This one's more, you know, updated. This one's older, whatever it is instead of, you know, choosing to focus on, okay, I have this small apartment, but I have a small apartment where I can have all my best friends over for a wine night. or whatever, or I have this big house that clearly was empty enough or not fulfilling enough that she decided to make this move. You know, so, you know, kind of choosing where she wants to focus.

If she wants to focus on these external factors of like, look what I had and look what I don't have, or she can choose to focus because she says, even though I try to acknowledge missing family at home is a very real reason to move. So it sounds like now that she's had these other changes, she's sort of losing focus of that she wasn't fully happy there or she wouldn't have done this. Your own internal experience is all you have. You can be living in like a palace with the best job in the world and the best boyfriend in the world. But if your focus is on I miss my family and my friends, then that's the life that you're living. You're living the life where you're missing your family and friends. Yeah, the same way she could live in this small apartment with a job she's not thrilled about. But when she gets home from work, she's going to go to happy hour with all of her best friends and see her family on the weekend and do all of that. So the intention that I would try to create for her is around creating her experience within herself instead of the outcomes, the external outcomes of what's happening around her.

And because this is going to continue to happen. you know, like you could make a ton of plans and make really good choices. But life happens to you in a way that you don't want it to. You know, like she could have stayed there, like I said, and something bad could have happened to one of her families. She would be forever regretful that she didn't move. You know, so you're giving your decisions too much power. Life just happens and you just have to make the best choices that you can and take control

of your perception of your experience within whatever the world is that you're currently because you have no other choice. Do you feel like there's a such thing as like good and bad decisions? Like is it bad to label them that way? You know, it's funny because I always, I do think about this and I help people make decisions a lot. And a lot of times it comes down to there's no right answer here, especially if you're like calmly with calm body and calm mind with clear head. You're not making the decision when you're drunk or you're not making the decision out of panic or fear.

or impulsivity, there's no right move. You're not going to know. You just at some point have to pull the trigger and then make the choice. The only bad decision you could make is to choose to focus on regret or is to choose to focus on I should of this or I should of that because if you're calmly, thoughtfully making a decision, all you can do is pick one and then make the choice to make up your mind. to focus on the things that are good about that decision. So no, I don't think.

I think if you're making a decision out of impulsivity or when you're activated or when you're in a panic, yeah, you can make a bad decision. Right. But I think if you're spending a few days calmly making a decision and you're in your right mind, you're going to make the best choice that you can for yourself. You know, so one intention that I had for her is to tell herself my mindset is more important than my decisions. Another one that we've kind of heard is kind of a little cheesy, but it might be helpful is life is a journey, not a destination. So this is where she is right now. It's not about the

outcome. It's about her experience throughout this and where she chooses to, what she chooses to do with that moment. Oh, this one was interesting. Just in terms of like her prioritizing her relationship with her family and friends to tell herself, I intend to trust what drives me, even if I don't see the outcome yet. She might not see the outcome because right now her job isn't the way she wants it to. But maybe in six months, she'll quit that job. She'll find another job that's even better than the one that she left. But she doesn't see it yet. It's almost like a religious thing, like just trusting in God or trusting in the universe or trusting. Or trusting in the universe or trusting and a power greater than yourself that you might not see the reasons. And just because you

don't see it yet doesn't mean that you're not on the right path. Right. Well, that's that connection with trust again. It's like I guess trust that overall and also that she is like capable of handling whatever comes at her. Yes. This is not about her port. This isn't that she made a bad decision. It sounds like she made a very thoughtful decision to be closer to her friends and family, and there's no way to know how this was going to turn out. And it's going to be a bigger picture life lesson for her to choose to focus on the parts that are feeling good to her, that are, you know, or if there are things that she would like to change, then focus on changing them.

You know, if she does want to apply for another job, then apply for another job. If she does want to, you know, change apartments and change apartments, whatever you want to do. And even if she does want to move back, fine. You want to move back, move back, whatever, you know. But I don't think that regretting the decision and focusing on this is because I made a poor decision is going to be helpful. And it's not even true. She made the best decision that she could. And she is with her friends and family, which is the reality was that's where her focus was even when all these other external factors were, the way she wanted them. Her focus was on missing her friends and family. So that's where her life was. And that's why she did this, you know. And again, let's say she got another job, but that didn't work, just like knowing you always have the power to keep changing and evolving.

Right. And always, there's always something else. And that's why I come back to the meditation because it's training your brain to focus where you tell it to. Otherwise, your brain will be like a wild horse that just like runs. amok and goes to many times places that don't make you feel good, like regret and self-doubt and all these things that she's feeling. So you have to like intentionally take your mind and harness it in the direction that you wanted to, which is you move back to being their family and friends. So keep your focus on that and enjoy that. And, you know, the regrets about the other stuff is they're not going to be helpful. And you didn't make a bad decision. And this isn't because

you are not good at making decisions. It's just the universe didn't line it up to how you thought the universe was going to line up. You can't control that. Okay. Well, I hope that was helpful for this intention writer. If you want us to create an intention for you or really more Dr. Naomi to create an intention for you, email oversharingabedges.com or you can leave it on a voicemail. Let's play some trigger.

You ready? Yeah, let's do it. All right. I'll read the first one. Hi, Dr. Dan and Dr. Naomi. I love the show and I look forward to new episodes every week. I'll get right into it. I have a trickered situation for you to break down.

I have an older sister and we've always been close throughout our lives. I recently got married on a holiday weekend and my sister was actively involved in the planning process and wedding day. My sister recently got engaged and was discussing potential date ideas. The same holiday weekend I got married on came up as an option and I told her that that would make me really upset if she picked the same weekend as our anniversary. Well, fast forward to one month later and she texted me that she had picked a venue and date the same weekend I got married on. Again, I told her that it makes me upset and I think it is weird to pick the same weekend to get married as my husband and I.

She sees nothing wrong with it and is moving forward with that date. Do I have a right to be triggered? I understand you don't own a wedding weekend or even a day, but I would think that she would want her own thing. It's certainly not an eight or a ten, but how would you feel sincerely sister sister? I think the person who wrote this in, thank you for writing in, is the little annoying here. She's like, I think she's the issue. Right.

Right. I mean, I was curious what you were going to think because you're closer to, you know, getting married and that whole world, but. I mean,

I can understand, my sister wants to get married the same weekend as me. Okay. Right. The weekend before, maybe, fine, whatever.

Right. A different year that happens to be the same, weekend. Right. Like she wants to have that anniversary to themselves. Like you guys are still going to be able to do it. It's not like on your anniversary, there's going to be like a big family party that you're drawn away from

that you have to go to at her house and you can't celebrate your anniversary. Yeah, I think she's being pretty unreasonable. I think she's being kind of unreasonable. I don't. And it doesn't even sound like it's the same actual date. Like their anniversary, it sounds like she would have said it if their actual anniversary date was going to be

the same, which even then, like, that's kind of fun. Like, it's cute, you know? Like, you could, again, you could perceive this different ways. I don't think this is triggering. I don't think this is a big deal. I wonder what is making me wonder, like, what this is really about. Maybe she has some sort of complex around, like, not feeling special or not, you know, not having a day of her own or not feeling like, I think it has to do with, like, this feeling of like specialness. Like this weekend is my special weekend. And like if you get married, then it's not going to be my special weekend.

It's going to be like our special weekend. And I don't, maybe she's always had an issue with her sister where she felt, felt like she was taking attention away from her. Right. Yeah. There's something like that going on or, you know, even let's say it was whatever, July 4th weekend. And they had some like July 4th-type theme things in their wedding that she's going to do similar things. Like, I just don't, I don't know. I think your sister is, I think it's within her

rights to get married. I'm sure it works out for her for whatever reason. She picked it because it's convenient and I would, I would give this a three. I would give this like a two or even like a one. I think it's very, you know, I'm triggering. Yeah. Okay. I mean, it's, you just can't, you can't own a weekend in perpetuity. Right. You can get it. I think, you can get it for your wedding. Right. She's not going to have her actual wedding the same day. Yeah.

But the next year. If she was like, yeah. If she was like, I want to get married the Friday before your Saturday wedding. Fine. triggering. Right. Once the year is over, you get all the weekends. No claim.

No claim. Yes. No claim. Right. So I would drop that if I were you with for the risk of sounding ridiculous. All right. Let's do another one. Okay.

You want to read it? Sure. Hello, I love the podcast and enjoy both of your takes on situations. I went from a dating, you up listener to a married, oversharing listener. My triggered scenario is something that happened to me yesterday. My husband and I bought a couch where his dad lives and were dropping it off to store it until we can come back with a larger truck this weekend to move at home. My brother-in-law happened to be in town visiting and came out to help us unload. I was asking him how he liked his new home, general catching up, et cetera. My husband unlocked the shed. My husband later asks him the same questions I did, and my brother-in-law says, oh, I was just talking to Audrey? Yeah, Audrey about all this. Not only is that not my name,

Amanda, but that is the name of my husband's last ex-girlfriend before me. My brother-in-law is a huge stoner and just moved to Colorado, so there's a big chance he was high as a kite. But this man was in my wedding and we hung out several times outside family events. And my husband and I have been together for four years. To top it all off, my husband didn't say anything until 30 minutes after we left the house after I had to bring it up. So how triggered should I be that one, my brother-in-law may or may not know who I am? And two, my husband wasn't going to acknowledge that it happened.

Thanks so much. Amanda? I would almost find this more funny than, like, like insulting, but I can see where she's, also it's the ex-girlfriend's name. So I can see why that would be particularly irritating. And it's like your family member that doesn't remember your name is like, I think she's more upset that no one's like, no one thinks this is ridiculous but her. Yes. I think that it would be, I think the part that her husband just like kind of didn't say anything instead of being like, dude, her name's Amanda. Like, what's,

the matter with you. Like he should have called that out instantly. You need to stop smoking less. Like he should have just been like, are you high? Why would you call her, uh, her Audrey? Right. I'd be like very annoyed if, if one of my siblings or my parents called my current spouse, the name of my ex. I think that would annoy me. Right. Totally. And they didn't seem apologetic or annoyed about it. Totally. So I think the fact that the husband did, immediately like jump on his brother for this is weird. And I could see why that's upsetting her more than anything. The brother, it sounds like, you know, maybe they're not that close. You know, they said he's visiting. He lives in Colorado. You know, he probably is like, maybe has smoked

too much and it doesn't have a good memory, whatever it is. So that's annoying also because it is his brother. It's not like his second cousin. Right. Pretty close relative. I would say this is relatively triggering. With the husband, I think you could say, you know, I think it's a little, I'm like a little insulted or I feel like a little disrespected that he called me your ex's name and you didn't seem annoyed about that or you didn't call him out on that. Like that bothered me. I think you have every right to say that.

Yeah. It's weird that he didn't call him out right in that moment. That is so strange. Like if somebody came up to me and just like, yeah, I would, how do you not address? it right then and there. And then with the brother-in-law, I think I would just be like, all right, I guess we're not particularly close. Right.

Like, that's something I will keep in, I will remember and put in your file, as we like to say. Yeah, I would give this like a seven. Yeah, I agree. I think that's fairly true. The whole, all of it, because then you're like, oh, am I? Is this just like okay now? Right. So strange.

I do think it's weird that he just like continued the conversation. and let him obviously think that her name was Audrey because he didn't even correct him. Right. Or maybe he was like Amanda. And he's like, oh, yeah, Amanda. Like maybe it was like just brushed off. Maybe he said he didn't say anything until 30 minutes after we left the house after I had to bring it up. So weird. Very weird. Give it to him. Let him have it. Yeah. Let him, yeah. Time to unleash. That's it for this week's overshering. If again, write it in, oversharing about. Just.com, leave a voicemail 646, 363, 663, 6294, send in your updates. We want it all. And hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving since this comes out the Tuesday after that.

Thanksgiving does usually bring up some good family dynamics usually come to the surface. So we're here for you. Let us know how it all goes. If your brother-in-law doesn't remember your name at Thanksgiving dinner, let us know. Any announcements of wedding dates that are within the same century. in the same decade as you. Let us know that too. We're here. All right. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales-Picot, and Rebecca Salis McHan.

Editing by Massilo Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Friedlander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com. We'll leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294.