Oversharing - How To Shut Down An Oversharer

Episode Date: January 31, 2023

Jordana and Dr. Naomi start the week with a question about the best way to maintain positivity with daily affirmations. Is it better to list the “good moments” you experience each day or to focus on a list of things you’re thankful for? Then a listener emails in to ask about a neighbor’s unreasonable noise complaints. How do you navigate a tense relationship with a neighbor without letting it ruin your peace of mind? Then another emailer asks how to tell her sister that she overshares too many details about her sex life. Is there a tactful way to dial back someone’s sex convos without hurting their feelings? The intention-setting exercise for the week is all about a serial-cheating ex and putting things behind you. Finally, they tackle some Triggered scenarios about a catty cousin and an overbearing couple-friends. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. Always great to be back here with you.

Our episode with Jared hasn't aired yet, but I just already can tell that it's going to have a lot of positive feedback. So I'm excited about that. I love that. That was really fun. I was like thinking about it afterwards. I was like, we need a fight. I can't just do one session.

I need follow up. Yes. I've definitely been hopeful that he's going to find some serenity after that one group therapy session. I saw him the next day and he was already feeling, I think, better about the whole situation. So. Cool. Maybe a whole book of private session. We'll see.

Off air. Yeah. Yeah, that usually helps when your therapy sessions are not on air. Yes, that probably helps with this. I always wonder about that when you look at like sometimes reality shows will have like the person going to therapy and like Real Housewives or something and then they like show the therapy session. I'm like honestly, I don't know how they do that.

I don't know what that is either. I mean, I guess we just did it sort of. I guess if the person is consenting to it like and they're asking you to do it, I just don't really see how it could be an authentic therapeutic experience while it's. being filmed and aired. Not that we're saying, we're not saying the Jared episode was like a truly, you know,

legitimate therapy session. Right. But I wouldn't do it like ongoing in an attempt to really help him like with his issues ongoing on air. Like if we were going to do that, it definitely wouldn't work that way. One, one pseudo session,

you know, is one thing. But doing ongoing therapy with a camera is just to me doesn't seem. you know, like it would be the best therapy you could receive. Right. But there would be other things that would get in the way of probably some breakthroughs. Because I think part of the whole point of it is that it is a safe space. And speaking of safe spaces, you have a group that starts soon, right?

A new group therapy. Yes. So I have a group that's going to be starting on February 1st. It's going to meet at 930 a.m. Eastern Time. And I have limited space in it. So it is kind of a cool opportunity that I do, that I have some space available there. So, and that's going to probably, I like to cap my groups because I like everybody to get plenty of time to talk and all of that.

But I know that there are a lot of people that listen that could really benefit from it. It's mindfulness based. So we do a meditation in the beginning and it helps kind of keep you on track with your meditation process because we start every group off with a meditation. And then we kind of process. We do some intentions in there also, which is really. nice. Like people will share kind of something that they are struggling with and the group kind of can come together to help them create intentions or share intentions that they feel are helpful for them.

So that's another thing that we. I love that. And you know, you're not taking new patients, right? So this is a great way to get access to you. Yes. Even if it is not one on one. And I'm sure that you get a lot of inquiries from listeners on this show. But this is probably, so I was going to say the next best thing, but maybe even a better thing, depending on you and your circumstances and what you need out of like therapy. Totally. I really, I do think group therapy for a lot of people, um, is better in some ways because you're getting that relatability. You know, when I'm doing therapy, I'm not opening up about my personal experiences for the most part. So you're getting a room full of people that are all, you know, I went through that or I, you know, I'm going through that

right now. And that always feels really nice to know that you're not alone in what you're struggling with. So how do they, um, how do they get involved? They can reach out to me at Naomi Bernstein Syke at Drumroll please. Gmail.com. Wow. Welcome to the 21st century. I'm so excited for you. and proud that we can say this email address without feeling like we are living in a different era. All right. Enough. Enough of that. Well, can you spell out the email address? Sure. It's N-A-O-M-I-B-E-R-N-S-T-E-E-I-N-S-Y-S-Y-H at g-Mel.com. Okay. Let's get into the show. I had a quick little back, little story. story thing. I think it was before we jump into the emails. I was talking to my friends when I was

away a couple of weeks ago about like, you know, the gratitude idea, the gratitude journal and stuff. And some feedback that we were discussing was like, it can feel a little repetitive or like a little redundant to be like, I'm grateful for my family. Like, I'm grateful for my job. I'm grateful for like my able body. Like every day. It can feel like a little like, I already wrote that. Like I know, like, what else? And it almost makes you less grateful for it because it's like I've already said the grateful part of it. So we had a different idea and I wanted to know what you thought of it from your psychological perspective was like instead of your gratitude journal for like everything that you're thankful for, sort of like a look back at the day and maybe saying like

one to three things that just like went well. Yeah. And I guess that's sort of grateful, but it's sort of like just like sort of pushing you to acknowledge the positive things of your day because like there's so many you know we get so fixated on like what didn't go well or what went wrong so even if it's like oh I got a great parking spot or I don't know like my boss said I did a good job on my presentation or something like something like something small that's different every day that you can look back on and say it's kind of great gratitude, but it's just sort of like reframed as like a positive acknowledgement. Yes.

I love that for a couple of reasons. One of which is it helps. If you know you're going to be doing your gratitude journal, then you're going to be seeking out these little moments because you know you're going to try to put it down. So it kind of helps you have a mindset of like seeking positive instead of a mindset of seeking negative, which a lot of people get stuck in. So I think knowing that you have this assignment that you're doing for yourself where you're trying to find these positive moments.

And the other reason I love it is because it's like moment based, which is sort of the key to the whole thing. Because it's not, you know, like it's not just, I'm grateful that I got a promotion. Like how many days of the year are you getting a promotion? Not many. Right. But if you can say, I'm grateful that I had a fresh box of frosted flakes this morning and they were extra crunchy and the milk was cold. You're kind of being grateful for these little

tiny moments throughout your day instead of focusing on these big picture items where typically you get them. You get really excited and happy for a day or two or three. And then you kind of come back to your homeostatic baseline level of happiness. Well, that was, I think that's a great point. And it also like the, the, the, when you think about, well, I forgot what it's called like, I forgot what that phenomenon is called where it's like anything, nothing that happens is going to make you feel great forever, but nothing terrible that happens is going to make you feel awful forever. Right. So it's kind of like you, you eventually come back to baseline, which like sucks for the positive things because you're like, oh, I got what I wanted. Like I'm going to,

now it's like happily ever after. Right. And that kind of sucks that you're like, oh, all my problems are not, I'm going to eventually be at the same level as happiness as I was. was before. But in the negative sense, like if something really bad happens to you, like, let's say like you get into like a car accident minor probably. Let's just like or someone, you know, scuffs your thing where you're like, I'm a bender bender, and you're like, this is so annoying. I'm so mad. Like two days from then, you're not going to still be so mad. You're still going to be like baseline. Yes. I agree. And I think that that helps people kind of have this not depending on external. If you are aware of that, you're not depending on

external factors to kind of heal your entire life. Like when I find a boyfriend, I'll be happy. When I get this job, I'll be happy. When I have a baby, I'll be happy or whatever it is. You're putting a lot of power on these things that you don't necessarily have control over kind of realizing like my general happiness is a matter of like having good moments and then they come back down and I have bad moments and then they come back up and they're just, my life is just a series of small moments. So I love this idea of the gratitude journal focusing on small moments instead of the big picture items, which are wonderful, and that's why everyone does them, like healthy family, you know, stable job, good friendships, like all that stuff is obviously super important, but those aren't like the little moments,

which might be like spoke to my friend on the phone today for five minutes. You know, I got to hear her voice or, you know, something that's, you know, I went for a run this morning and my body's working well, like things that are moments that kind of, um, are examples of the big picture items. Right. I love that. Yeah. Um, so yeah, I'm going to try that because I was, I did the gratitude journaling for like two days and then I was like, I already feel like I said this. Right. And I agree. It almost take it almost can sometimes feel like it makes it worse because you're like, okay, I have a healthy family. Like, right. I get it. Yeah. So I'm going to, I'll report back on that. Yeah, I would love to hear about that.

Let you know how that goes. And, okay, so let's get into our emails. And there's, if you want to leave a voicemail, you can leave a voicemail at 646-363-66-6-2-9-4. Or if you want to email us, oversharing at betches.com, oversharing at betches.com. And thank you guys for all your reviews. The reviews are so amazing. As you know, I read them all, which, you know, it was contrary to what women would probably would suggest for my mental health.

But I seek validation from others, clearly. So help enable that for me by going on Apple, writing a five-star review, and letting us know if you like the show. Like, it feels so good to read those positive reviews. So please do that. Thank you. Okay. I'll read the first overshare. Are you ready?

All right. Go for it. Okay. Hello, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I have been a longtime Betches listener and have been loving listening to your great advice on oversharing. I recently encountered a situation with a neighbor and thought it would be a good scenario to analyze on the podcast. To give you some background, my boyfriend and I began renting a

townhouse condo together about six months ago. We are 26 and it both rented before while away at college, but this is our first time living together. Our condo spans the second and third floor, and we have a neighbor below us on the main floor and a neighbor beside us. The insulation in the building isn't great and we can sometimes hear our next door neighbor closing their door or listening to music. Since moving in, we have been friendly with our downstairs neighbor and usually chat whenever we run into each other outside. She has told the stories about some bad encounters with the previous tenant in our unit and said we have been great so far.

Last week, we received an email from our landlord informing us that we received a noise complaint. Our landlord said it was probably the neighbor below us than she can be pretty particular with things. He told us she once complained that their toilet flushed too lad when they lived in the unit. This neighbor is in her 60s, semi-retired, lives alone with her dog and is on the condo board. Her dog barks loudly whenever people or other dogs walk by, so it's not like she's completely innocent. See below for the complaint and letter from the condo board. Okay. She highlights

the part that's of interest. So she writes, the first thing is from the condo board, and it says management has received a complaint of excessive noise coming from your unit, as the current level of noise is disruptive to the other owners. We kindly ask that you try to minimize the noise coming from your unit, particularly between the hours of 11 p.m. and 7 a.m. Okay. And then they show the actual complaint, I believe, and it says, I have been advised, extensive noise from whatever the unit is. People going in and out of the unit, slamming the door so hard, my TV on the wall vibrates. Besides slamming the door, they're walking on the steps so hard with workboots, it is unbearable noise and sometimes later at night. At time sounds like horses are walking

up and down the steps. What makes it worse, residents are walking in and out so many. times. So this is from the condo manager. And then she writes, my boyfriend and I were caught off guard by this complaint as our neighbor has never mentioned any of this to us before, and neither of us think we slam the door or are particularly loud on the stairs. We both work during the day, so normally are gone from 7 a.m. to 5 p.m. And if we do leave the house in the evening, are normally back by 9 p.m. at the latest. We barely ever have people over to our place and think our neighbor is being way too particular. We would have definitely been more mindful of the noise if she just talked to us about it, but now we are annoyed. And,

and hurt by how she decided to handle it. I am normally not very assertive person and would typically let something like this go without saying anything, but it is still bothering me a week later, and I feel like I need to address it. Should I tell her how the below complaint made us feel and request that she bring up any future issues with us

before making any complaints? Or should we let this go and be more mindful of noise, knowing that this is just the type of person she is? Thanks for all that you do, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts, not so noisy neighbor. Yeah, I could see why this is kind of taking up space in her mind because your home is supposed to be your sanctuary, you know, and the fact that she's

just doing regular things, like opening and closing doors and walking up and downstairs, that that is creating a noise complaint. That's, you know, that's tough because she's just, sounds like she thinks she's just living her normal life. So that feels like now I have to walk on eggshells in my own townhouse. Yeah. I mean, it seems very clear to me that it's, the neighbor is like, sort of the kind of person that is, or not sort of, but is the kind of person who's going to be complaining about any little thing. Like the guy, the manager told her that she herself said the person before you was, was very annoying.

So clearly, I would at least find some solace in the fact that it's clearly not that you are a particularly bad neighbor. It's clearly this woman has like a thing for pointing out other people's malfeasances. Right. She's very sensitive to these sounds. And I hate to say this, but like if you are a type of person where the person before you was being too loud with regular everyday activities like flushing a toilet. And now you're very sensitive to regular. It's not like they're if they wanted to have a party on a Saturday night and play loud music, they would also kind of be entitled to do that. But that's not the issue. The issue is just regular stuff. So I think if this neighbor, not that she can tell her this, but if maybe she needs to, you know, get. a single family home somewhere, if that's something that she can do, or, you know, she just has to get used to this.

This is part of living with shared walls with other people, is there's going to be some noises sometimes. I'd love to help her kind of learn how to breathe through these moments where she feels like she's hearing horses going up and down the stairs, but it's probably just humans walking in heels. And it probably takes her about 15 seconds to get up and down the stairs and just kind of breathe through that. So yeah, I hope she takes some solace that this does seem like it's clearly the neighbor's issue. Right. So that being said, should she be like confronting her about?

So my thought on this is this. I think that she should probably go to her and say, I'm, you know, I'm sorry that, you know, you were disturbed. Next time, I'd really appreciate it if you would come to me first and let me know so that I can be more aware of it. But ultimately, I think she should do that just because it's going to force this woman to address it in a way that probably isn't the most comfortable for her. Like she probably, because she's on the board, it's probably the easiest thing for her to do the kind of, you know, sly move of going directly to the board and letting them know so she doesn't have to actually have the human confrontation with the real person that's really walking and potentially here, I'm literally just walking up the stairs and my shoes that I wear

to work and, you know, whatever, to realize that there's a human on the other end of this, which I think would be good for the neighbor. So I think she should tell her that she would appreciate her coming to her first. But that being said, I don't think you have to change a thing. I don't think you have to like, you know. It doesn't sound like they're going to kick you out. Right. Because I think it sounds like the condo board realizes that this woman is, you know, hypersensitive.

So I wouldn't do much different. If you feel like you could, maybe you want to take your shoes off before you walk up the stairs, that would be wonderful and amazing of you. But I don't think you have to do anything differently if you're literally just living in your apartment. But I do think you could tell her that so that she feels like, okay, next time she has to be slightly uncomfortable and face the confrontation instead of kind of going behind your back. Right. If she really wants to solve the issue.

It kind of sucks. I get what she's saying about this feeling of like even again if she was like ignoring this whole thing and just going on her day. She's like again, it feels like by my actions, even just the knowledge that it's kind of upsetting someone and kind of like dreading the idea of like getting another email from the condo board that says you're in trouble. If you're someone who doesn't like to be in trouble or doesn't be like you should be in trouble. I think that's also kind of like the, the annoying part of it. Also, I wonder if she would

admit that it was her because she didn't say anything to her face. Right. That is very possible. I don't know what you're talking about. Totally. And I think you're right. I think if knowing that you're upsetting this person and knowing that she may end up complaining again, or let's say my plan backfires and she just starts like harassing you every time she sees you like in the parking lot, which I hope doesn't happen. But at that point, then you have to kind of decide, like, what is the, what is going to reduce my stress level? And maybe it is taking your shoes off at the bottom, you know, putting your shoes on and off at the bottom of the stairs, or maybe it is kind of like being more mindful of closing doors. But I would only do that in this scenario because

you feel like that's going to make your life better and easier and, you know, allow you to avoid this conflict. It doesn't sound like you're doing anything. that would warrant you having to change your behavior at this point. Why do you think there's, I don't want to like feed the stereotype, but why do you think there is the stereotype of the like nasty old woman? Like, not the 60s old, but I'm just saying like, like, what do you think like, do you think there's any truth to that or like, it just seems like there's a, and I hate to like give it power, but it does seem like there's a type of person that

complains a lot and it's kind of like this kind of person. You know what I think it is and I was actually just reading human interaction is like essential in some ways to our mental health and our survival and some people who live alone and don't have that or maybe she is not in touch with her children if she has them or grandchildren or doesn't have a lot of friends. It's almost like you will take it wherever you can get it. So I think that sometimes even the, it's almost like little kids. Everyone always says kind of, you know, negative attention is just as good as, you know, is better than no attention. You know, when kids are doing bad behaviors and you're kind of like, why are you doing this behavior? You know I'm going to come in here and be unhappy. Well, to them,

it's better than sitting there and not getting any attention at all. So I do think that sometimes people that are lonely or that the better end of this is the older person who just is very chatty at the grocery store who's very, you know, books a lot of doctor's appointments to try to get in and talk to doctors and have time like interacting with them. So there's other more beneficial ways for people to do this. But I do think this is one way that people just get to interact with other people when they don't have their life set up in a way that doesn't have a lot of human interaction. So in that way, it could make you feel kind of badly for her. Right. Maybe if she, they were like, they could try. And again, I don't think they need to do this. But if they wanted to,

they could try just like being more chatty when they see so that they like, she feels like an endearment to them or that she gets some attention to attention from them. And like, maybe that'll that'll give her a fix. Totally. It's almost like, you know, one of these self-fulfilling prophecies that we talked about where she's like lonely and nobody's talking to her and then or she thinks that. then she feels badly so she's kind of ratting them out and then they're really avoiding her and now she really is alone and so yeah maybe you can kill her with some kindness invite her over for drink that sounds so cringy that seems extreme that sounds like i just got a little nauseous even thinking about being in that scenario um you could give her a holiday gift basket that's

probably maybe you could try to be you know just recognize that maybe she's just lonely and looking for some interaction here. You know, I think sometimes when people join the condo board, that kind of thing, they're looking for, you don't do that unless you want to be involved with people and or have control. Yes. Beware of people who join the condo board. It's definitely a certain power trip.

Type. So, yeah, hopefully that helps. I hope you don't ask her to tell you and then she just continuously confronts you every time she sees you. Maybe she'll just avoid. Potentially. You want to read our Pagesist? Yeah, let's do it. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I'm a huge fan of the podcast and love all your insight and

wisdom, especially from a sister duo. Thank you both. I have an oversharing dilemma. My sister overshare is about her sex life. My sisters and I have never been the type to talk about our sex lives much with each other. We usually go to our friends with that stuff. My sister has kids and has been married. married for several years now. And in the past year or so, it seems like she brings up her sex

life a lot to the point it's making me and my other sister uncomfortable. She talks about how often she and her husband have sex, how her friends and her husband's family joke about how active their sex life is, et cetera. Below are more specific examples. Okay. So she gives a couple of specific examples. I don't think we need to share the potentially identifying details. But basically, like, she talks about how many orgasms she has. She talks about the high number of them. She talks about like changing rooms to because they're so loud. A few other examples that I think that illustrate the point without getting into extreme specifics. I'm happy that my sister and her husband are still feeling so satisfied in that area after several years of marriage, but I feel like we don't

need all the details or to hear about it so frequently. My other sister and I are happy in our own sex lives, but maybe we don't like the bragging because it makes us self-conscious. Are we jealous? Should we become more comfortable talking about our sex life with each other? We've been able to talk about it before, but more if we had issues and we're looking for advice. But this just seems like bragging. Was there a way to nicely communicate to our sister that we don't want to talk about this so much? We wonder if she's overcompensating for some other insecurity. And so our current tactic has been to just leave it be and change the topic when it comes up. But this doesn't seem like a great long-term solution.

Thank you in advance. I would love to hear your take on this issue. XOXO.XO. TMI sister wives. This is very funny. This is very funny. I enjoy it. If you've ever experienced this with somebody in your life that is like TMI about their personal sex life.

Yeah, totally. I think that, well, sometimes it's, I'm kind of like, this person to an extent where I'm like, is this TMI or am I like a prude? Because I'm just like not like that that kind of conversation isn't like particularly like that interesting to me. Right. Or is it, but I'm kind of like, is it me or is it or are they actually revealing too much? Because if someone revealed too much maybe about like a interpersonal issue that I'm into,

that I'm interested in talking about, I might be like how nice that they shared. We can go there. and we have this intimacy of like this conversation. I guess it does bring up this idea of like it doesn't feel like too much if it's negative. So if someone's being vulnerable and they're coming to you and they're saying like I, you know, feel anxious or, you know, something that's more vulnerable and softer or like my husband and I don't have sex a lot. Right.

I don't know how to deal with it. Then that kind of feels like, okay, I'm here for you. You're being vulnerable. but this because it's a positive thing or if someone got you know it was doing great at work and every time you saw them they were like I got another promotion and I got another promotion and my boss told me today how amazing I am and then he told me tomorrow how amazing I am I think there's more of this feeling of like all right enough you know versus like they're leaning on me because they need something from me like what do they what are they looking to get here other than you know

maybe that braggy feeling I think that's kind of probably what this feels like. Yeah. I mean, what is the psychological reason that people brag? Is it so that is it like almost like an insecurity? You would think part of you was like, oh,

they're so confident, but it's, I think confidence is not really bragging. Confidence is sort of like a quieter thing. Right. Yeah. I mean, I do think that they want you to know something about them

that you wouldn't otherwise know. And as a result, change your perspective of them. I think for this sister, she's developed this identity around being, she's almost like the Samantha of the married with kids, you know, like she's developed this identity around being super sexual, even his family, which feels so awkward that like his mother is like knowing how much sex that you're having with her son. Like the whole thing just seems a lot, but I think they've kind of developed this positive identity around it, which is something that they want people to be aware of.

Well, that's, I guess, another reason that people brag or overindulge in, like, in their positives or successes is because they kind of feel like it defines them to an extent and they want to, like, reinforce that because it is, like, you said, part of their identity. That's a very interesting point. I guess also talking about fine lines, I feel like there is a fine line between, like, sharing successes with friends. like sharing your achievements, letting people know, like, positive things to celebrate for you. Right.

And it being like a little bit of overkill or like being braggy. Like where is the line between that? Totally. I have a lot of patients that deal with that issue where it's almost like have some sensitivity or read the room, you know? Like if you're sharing something and it's something that potentially somebody else doesn't have or at least they're not telling you. Right, or struggling with, you know, just kind of be mindful of that. And it's not that, you know,

the other side of the coin is if someone's your friend, they should be happy for you. They should, you know, want to know the good things that are going on in your life. But I think when it's like repetitive, that's where it starts to get more annoying. It's one thing if you can say, we have a great sex life, you know, just put it, you know, something that you're proud of, something that you feel good about. Great. Say it once. Say it twice. after that, you know, you're not going to be like, oh my God, like I, you know, if you lost weight, you were trying to lose weight, great. Oh, my God, I lost 20 pounds. That's so good. I'm so happy for you. Two weeks later. Oh, remember the time I lost 20 pounds? That was great, you know, like,

Right. I want to celebrate you once and then be done with it. Right. I see this a lot, too, when you have these very comparative situations and like, I feel like one thing I've seen it around, like, with people I know or my friends, like when they have pregnancies, like some people like hate being pregnant and some people like love it or so like the people who love it are very annoying to the people who like don't yeah I think like oh it's just like I so easy and I feel so like I just it feels so amazing and it's like I did you know 70 minutes on the peloton today yeah I look amazing yeah I feel I feel great whatever like so and I think that there's just very common I think very specific instance where this feels very comparative and the other person's like

read the room. Yes. Or understand that no one, that not everyone feels this way, which I think it's hard because to an extent you want to be able to like celebrate your yes positives without having to like make sure everyone's like cool or like cool with their own situation. Um,

but I agree it can be overkill. And I think you see this on social media where there, the room is every single person that's ever seen you. So that can, that can, I think a lot of people look at accounts and that's why I, why I always recommend not following like I don't think aspirational follows are particularly healthy. Right.

Because it's usually like, oh, here's this thing I'm struggling with. Here's this person who seemingly is doing this flawlessly, you know, who has an amazing house and an amazing, you know, going on this incredible trip and has all these kids. Like I think that there's, and that's the only part of it you see. And even if it's not like directly bragging, it's. it's just like almost bragging through the like enjoyment of this life. Totally. I agree.

And then I think it's not, it sometimes is harmful for the friendship because even what the two sisters are talking, then you kind of want to bring them down where you're like, well, maybe they have no emotional connection. And that's why they're like so focused on their physical connection. Totally. Right. And that's a great point where you'd be like, because, but I also think if it's your sister, you can also be like, there is a comfort level there, I would assume, where you can be like, all right. we get it. Totally. And I think, you know what I mean?

Like, I think we've said that to each other when you're like going on about a certain thing, any of our siblings where you're like, because you have that comfort level, like, hey, we get it. Like you, you know, you're going on another trip. Right, right. It's enough. Right. Petting another koala.

No, I totally. I agree. And I think what can she do? I think she can, I think she can bring it up in that way, maybe even. like at first, kind of, but I don't know if she said that she brought it up jokingly, but I, you know, one one option is she can bring it up and say, you know, I get it. I personally feel like unless there's something new, your sex life should kind of be between you and your husband, unless there's something super exciting that you want to share that you did differently or whatever it is.

Well, then she'd probably be like, well, you're just jealous. Right. Probably. And she could say, okay, maybe I am. I've considered that. Right? She could even say to her, I've considered that maybe I'm jealous, but for some reason, after hearing about it all the time, it's just starting to make me uncomfortable. And I can look into why that is. Maybe it is that I'm jealous. I'm not sure. But, you know, it's just not my favorite topic of conversation. And hopefully her sister can take that and, you know, find some other people that do. I mean, I'm sure there might be some people that love to hear about this. They find it exciting or they, find it aspirational in some way. They go home and to their husband and, you know, it's motivating, but I think for these two sisters, I don't think that they like it. And I think that's a great way to handle it. Say, I don't know. Maybe I am jealous. Like, I think our sex life is pretty good, but we're definitely, it's not like the number one positive in our relationship. So maybe I am a little jealous, whatever it is. I don't know, but it's just not my favorite topic of conversation.

Yeah. That sounds like the healthiest way to go about it. I feel like. my first instinct would just be to find the other shit sister and just talk shit about it. That's what it sounds like. That sounds like the phase they're in right now. Yeah. I mean, I think that's a large part of why people talk shit or like gossip or like whatever, like do these things. And then maybe more especially woman that I've noticed is because you're kind of like,

am I crazy? Or like you find something that kind of irritates you and you're like, it's so much hard. You're kind of like part. I think part of you is like it doesn't irritate me enough that I feel like making a whole. conversation about it. But I also like kind of want to indulge this feeling of irritation and like think someone else might feel the same way. And then we can sort of bond over that feeling, which isn't like nice.

I get it. Like in a perfect world, people would just confront their irritations with the person head on like what you just suggested. Right. But I feel like more realistically, more commonly, it's going to be the two sisters sort of like like looking at each other and like. and like smiling when the person is doing that. Yes.

Yeah, kicking each other under the table. I totally, I totally agree with you. And I think, again, the validation is exactly what you're describing. I think, you know, that's the thing about the group therapy too.

It's like a place where you can come in. You can tell this story about something that really pissed you off. Get a bunch of people to kind of, because most of the time there is some validity to it. Mm-hmm. Say, yeah, that's crazy.

or like that would annoy me too, but then you have that positive, you have that kind of healthy spin of like, well, now how do I deal with that aside from just talking shit? You know, you get a little bit of both. You get a little bit of shit talking space and then you get a little bit of like, what's the healthy way to kind of deal with this or not? I think that's the other thing. A lot of people feel stuck in is like, is this worth confronting? Right. That's so, that to me seems like the big thing. Well, it's kind of like, I guess it's worth confronting if it's like truly affecting your view of your sister as opposed to like here's an annoying thing this person does that I don't like that's kind of like part and I think that's another part of things too with

the way we place people it's like do you need to change every person into like behaving exactly the way that you kind of want them to behave or can you be like all right that's like kind of an annoying thing about this person noted but like I don't necessarily need to change it I can just have them and not and kind of know that this is an annoying thing about their personality. Right. Or you could do Jared's strategy, which is just like relentlessly make fun of them about this thing until they either stop or get along, you know, come along with it.

And then it's a big joke. You can make up T-shirts like, sister, fucks a lot. Right. Yeah. No, I think that's, I mean, that is another route. And that's like, I don't know if, again, that's the psychologically healthiest route. but I also think that usually gives the person the like, it kind of like mini shames them into changing.

Or maybe it does end up being like a fun, funny joke, you know? Like I guess all these kind of inside jokes sort of start with some degree of like a repetitive pattern that everyone sort of notices and now it's like, you know, a joke. Yeah. And then you're mentioning it constantly so that it's now like, instead of being the elephant in the room, It's sort of like it's been stated. And that sometimes makes everyone feel better. If you're like, okay, we like said the thing that we're all thinking.

And this really depends on the sensitivity level of the person who's talking about it. Right. Totally. Yes, that's true. But I can't imagine that she's, this sister is super sensitive if she's like leading with this in many different contexts. That's just my initial gut. I don't know.

That's probably true. That's not like the most. Because it sounds like she's like proud of it and probably pretty open. about that. And might be, again, if she is truly, if you're truly confident in something, I think you are open to being made fun of for it. Right. Yes. She's, she might actually love that. I think she would love the t-shirts. I think she would, I think she'd be into the whole thing. Yeah. Unless she's like actually insecure about her sex life, in which case she would probably feel like, it would probably be like pretty awkward. But it sounds like that's not the case.

So right. It'll call it the Jared method. Jared, if you're listening, let us know how you would, uh, how you would, uh, how you would title this one. All right. Let's do some intentions. All right. I'm going to read it. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I am really enjoying listening to the podcast. I think you both bring unique perspectives that are complementary. I'm looking for help in setting an intention of trusting myself and letting go of things I cannot control. I'm finding I'm having some relationship anxiety that I have not experienced before regarding my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. For context, I'm 27 years old, and my boyfriend is 34 years old, and we both live in the downtown area of a

major city. I can be a very anxious person in general, but especially when it comes to new relationships. My boyfriend and I have been dating for six months and everything is great. I am very happy and can see a future with him. There's one thing that has been triggering me, which is his ex-girlfriend. They were together for about six years, lived together and had a pet together. They broke up about a year ago, and there was around a six-month gap between that relationship and ours. He and I met through mutual friends on a night out and we hit it off right away. I also. I also, recently, I was also recently out of a relationship at the time and dated my last boyfriend for three years and we also lived together. I had a three-month gap between my last boyfriend

and meeting my current boyfriend. I felt very checked out of my previous relationship. We had fundamental different views and it took several months before I actually worked up the guts to end that relationship. I do not talk to my ex-boyfriend as I feel no contact after a relationship is most effective for me to move on. My boyfriend described his breakup with his ex-girlfriend as mutual and that their romantic connection was no longer there and had faded over a couple of years. He said that they both started their own separate businesses during the thick of COVID-19, and they were under a lot of stress and ultimately grew apart. He has reassured me that he has no romantic connection to his ex-girlfriend, but that their

breakup was not bad. I think there are a few reasons the specific circumstance is causing the anxiety below. One, the relationship ended recently before he and I met. Two, they still occasionally keep in touch. She sent him a birthday slash Christmas text. Three, he is opening a second location for his business, which is very close to her business. I discussed this concern with him, and he explained that the area in the city, he and his business partner chose, came down to location and pricing, and he did not even consider where her business is in the equation. He also mentioned that he will not be spending significant time at his new location as his office is in his first location.

Okay. But you're chill. I have been cheated on in the past, not my previous boyfriend, but the one before that cheated on me for a year with his ex-girlfriend. They met up and slept together during that time, texted constantly called and set naked photos to one another. This situation really traumatized me and made me not trust myself fully because I did not see any of it coming.

We just recently said we loved each other and I had this reoccurring fear, this recurring fear that as I get more emotionally attached to him, that he will suddenly wake up and realize he wants to be with his ex-girlfriend. He has offered me reassurances several times that their relationship is done and that there is no connection between them. I'm concerned that I'm fixating in my boyfriend's past because of the cheating I've experienced previously. I never felt this anxiety with my last boyfriend, but to be fair, my last boyfriend had not had any serious girlfriends in his past, so there was really no opportunity to worry. I want help in setting an intention to stop focusing on this as I feel it might damage my relationship. My rational mind

knows that my boyfriend loves me. As he shows me this with his actions constantly, he is not given any indication that I have anything to be worried about. But the more insecure and anxious part of my brain worries he will realize he wants to be with her and not me. I would like to have the intention to fall back on when my mind gets into that worried state. I appreciate you taking the time to read this email. I love the podcast and look forward to it every week. Exishly attached, patched. What do you think? I think she 100% is probably more traumatized than she realized. by that initial cheating and breakup. I mean, that sounds very traumatic.

Totally. I think she has the right to be, yeah. Yeah. They were, I mean, he was cheating, I think, for a year, like a lot. And I think the hardest part, which you always kind of talk about is just kind of being oblivious to the whole thing, which is really hard. And I think that her being oblivious the first time is what's making her feel like she needs to be hyper-vigilant now to prevent it from happening.

That's a great point. I didn't think of that. Like, because she was like too trusting the first time. Yes. Yeah. Right. She wasn't, you know, paying attention to who he was texting or what he was doing. And they, you know, we're meeting up, it sounds like, and sending pictures and all

that. And she was, had no clue. So now I think she erroneously believes that if I am worried that I can prevent that from happening, which I think she's aware. that not only is that not going to prevent it from happening, it's probably, and I'm not trying to scare you further, but it's more likely to make it happen if you're, you know, injecting your relationship with a lot of negative feelings and making him feel like he's, you know, under interrogation all the time. That's not a great, you know, dynamic to have. Right. Yeah. It seems like she is

very like hyper intense about like where he's doing and where he's at, which I don't think is good for a relationship, even if it's not like he's cheating. I just don't think that is going to lead to happiness. And it might become that self-fulfilling prophecy, like you say sometimes where it's like, you drive the person away by trying to make sure that they're not being taken away. Right.

So I'm glad she's asking for help. And I'm happy to help her. I think you can use some of the basic trauma strategies that I use with people that do experience trauma. When people hear the word trauma, a lot of times they assume that it, And obviously it does sometimes refer to severe bodily trauma, sexual abuse, you know, that type of thing or, you know, real disaster, survival or things like that. But there is trauma that lives in your body that has to do with emotional trauma, you know, with being cheated on or being verbally abused or, you know, there's other forms of trauma, you know, breaking, having a broken trust with somebody.

So the way that I help people deal with experiences of trauma is realizing that the trauma lives in your body. And so when your brain, which works very quickly and very efficiently, sizes up that a scenario feels similar to another scenario that you've been through that was traumatizing in the past, your body starts to take on the same defensive techniques or in this case, maybe defensive techniques that she never took on or she didn't take on until it was he was a year into cheating, which is just, you know, there's certain chemicals being released into her bloodstream. There's certain physiological sensations like I always talk about that she's having, whether she

feels nauseous or butterflies in her stomach or, you know, there's all these little phrases that us humans use when we're describing our emotions. Like, I feel like I got a gut punch. or I feel like I got kicked in the stomach. Or I wanted to throw up or something. Yes. You know, made me want to throw up or like my heart dropped. Or there's all these phrases that we use that just naturally describe the physical sensations that happen when we are experiencing negative emotion.

So for her, I think that she's, you know, probably which came first, the chicken or the egg. I don't know if something actually happens and then she starts to feel that way. And then what our brain does when we feel that way, especially if we've experienced trauma, is we then scan the environment to try to find the cause for the feeling, right? We try to make sure that we're checking every corner of the room for danger. So what she's doing here is focusing on that her boyfriend's getting a business in the same location of this major city as the girl, you know, the ex-girlfriend. And, you know, so she's scanning her environment.

to try to see what in this scenario can I control. And that's adaptive if we're talking about like, you know, a boulder that's going to fall off of a cliff and crush us. Like maybe we don't want to stand in that place. And we want to scan and see, does that boulder look loose? And maybe we don't want to stand under there. So it's adaptive in some cases, but here it's maladaptive. And I think the best thing she can do is really pay attention to where this trauma

is living in her body. And I don't know if I've said this on here, but I sometimes give people the homework of almost doing like a research paper on yourself. Where, so like when you feel whatever it is, worked up about something, anxious, sad,

any negative emotion, as if you're watching a test tube in a science lab and you're taking little notes at 807, this is what the test tube looks like. So at 807, I feel like a, you know, a pressure in my stomach. At 815, I feel like it's moving up into my chest area. At 820, it starts to subside. It feels like this. It feels like that. So if you can watch that physical sensation in your body almost like really examining. One, it's giving you something else to focus on other than scanning the environment for more danger or worst case potentially picking up his phone while he's in the shower to look at something that you shouldn't

be looking at because you're seeking out more information to help soothe you which doesn't really so it's giving your brain something else to do while you're feeling this way which sounds counterintuitive like I want to make myself feel better so I'm going to think more about the thing that feels uncomfortable right but the physical sensation that feels uncomfortable is really not as uncomfortable as that mental space that you get into when you're spinning around about something and like nervously scanning the room and the past and the future and the potential for all the, you know, things. And I think you can make the mental state less shorter by looking into the physical state by like deactivating it. A hundred and ten percent. And then what

happens is if you do this repeatedly every time you get worked up, after a while, you're while it starts to become like kind of clockwork like a machine. You start to notice, okay, when Jordana gets worked up, this is what happens. It takes about 15 minutes. It takes 10 minutes. You know what? It only takes five minutes. I feel nauseous. Then I feel like a little tightness in my shoulders. I can breathe into that. I can relax and five minutes later it's gone. And then you can just kind of ride these little waves. And the more you notice, okay, on Monday this happened. Then again on Thursday it happened. It has the same predictable kind of price. And then you can't, process, it's really helpful. It takes the power out of the whole thing. So I think for her and especially

You don't have to act on it. Yes. She doesn't have to ask him about like, you know, where he's going or what he's doing. She can just like, like you said, breathe through it. Yeah. And then I think eventually she'll be able to, it does sound like there's a lot of stuff that he is doing that is great. That probably gets overlooked because she's too busy focusing on the other stuff. Like I think she wrote something in here about really, um, that he's great to her and shows her that he loves her. So it doesn't leave a lot of room to focus on that when you're scanning the environment for danger. So is there an intention or is this more of just like the trauma facing first? Yeah, no, I definitely, I think one intention that I wrote, so I will stay present and watch my body when I feel triggered. So that's her way of saying like, I'm just going to relax into this and not feel like I need to act on it.

Or I will stay present and get to know my body when I feel triggered is another one. Like really just getting to know your process so it can take the power away from all these neurotransmitters that are floating around in your bloodstream and hormones and all this stuff. Like just kind of get to know the process so you feel like you're a slave to it. I like that a lot. And the last one, just to focus on the positive, I will pay attention to the love I am receiving. So that's more like the mental piece. The physical piece is so important if you can do that piece first and kind of like be patient with your body as you go through the process of feeling emotions.

Because the physical piece, I feel like helps you believe the mental piece. Yes. Like if you do the mental thing, and I've tried this before where I have like anxious thoughts racing and I do the thing where you're just like telling yourself whatever you want to believe, it's. like if your body doesn't believe it and you're doing it without working on the body, I found that it's just like it doesn't really do anything. A hundred percent. And this was a shift for me in my own career where I was trained in cognitive behavioral therapy, which is mostly like kind of changing your thoughts and changing your behavior

to try to change the way you feel. And it works and it's great. But for people who have a hard time like believing it, it's because you're not, you have to handle the body first. Yeah. I think that's a great point. It's something I'm starting to just learn myself. But it's true because it's like you think you're making progress by repeating like the same thing,

like the same rational thing in your brain where she could rationally be like, he's not cheating on you. He loves you. He loves you. And like if her body doesn't believe it, then it doesn't really matter. Like it's just like something someone's saying. It's like the same as if your friend was saying to you, which they would say it to you because it's true.

but it's like if you don't believe it, it doesn't matter. Right. And you're fighting against your biochemistry. If you're still churning out these anxious neurotransmitters and hormones, but you're still churning this stuff into your body as you're trying to convince yourself, it's like you're just going to run up against the wall because your body's telling you fight or flight and your brain is telling you, stay calm and just, you know, think these happy thoughts, which isn't adaptive.

If something's chasing you and your body feels, like something's chasing you, there's no way you're going to be like, just stand here calmly and just let this feeling pass. You know, it's not adaptive. But in our day and age, we have to, you know, we can stand there and we can be calm, but you have to get rid of all the stuff that's happening in your body before your brain can come around to, you know, being on the same page. So it's a great point. Let's do some triggered. Let's do it. Okay. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm a huge fan of the podcast. You and the listeners' insights are really thought-provoking, and for selfish reasons, I wish you put out multiple episodes a week.

So sweet. Yeah. On to a bizarre, triggered scenario. While this isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, I found it mildly grating, and I'm curious about why that is. Some context. Over the holidays, my parents hosted our extended family for hors d'oeuvres. They recently moved to a nice but smaller house, so everyone sat in the living room and

served themselves in the kitchen, where you could hear absolutely everything going through the wall. I was in the kitchen filling my plate with salad and prosciutto wrapped melon. When I overheard my cousin say something that irritated me, she mentioned she was so glad she, quote, unquote, inspired me to get a cat and that she felt, quote, honored. For context, I'm in my late 20s and she's in her early 30s. We're somewhat close, but live in different states and only see each other once or twice a year. I rolled my eyes because while yes, I do have two cats now, a boy-girl bonded pair, a friend of mine who fostered a sweet kitten during COVID is the person who actually inspired me to take the leap and adopt.

While I have nothing against my cousin's cat, I've never once told her that she's the reason I got my animals. I didn't bring this up with my cousin or run into the living room to interject, L.O.L. because I'm aware it's not a big deal. But why am I annoyed at what she said? I know I shouldn't be extremely triggered here, but is it weird that I'm triggered at all? I care about my cousin and I love my cats and appreciate hers, so shouldn't this be a non-issue?

Am I just extra sensitive because I'm dealing with more serious problems like a pregnancy loss and a loved one's mental health crisis. How triggered should I be? Am I annoyed at my cousin because to assume is to make an ass out of you and me? And she definitely made an assumption. Is there something else going on here? Thanks for everything you do, a catty betch. Good sign off. This is interesting. I was like, yeah, this sounds crazy that she's so upset about this. I could not figure out like what, because it sounds like she knows that she's being crazy too. and I think this is like a one or two on the triggered scale. Right.

But I couldn't even come up with a theory as to like why this would bother her so much. Right. I guess like unless she has some sort of like longstanding rivalry with her cousin or she doesn't really like her that much. I don't know. It seemed very weird to me. What do you think? Totally. I had to stretch to figure out what this was about too.

I mean, I think she probably hit the nail in the head a bit about like, you know, that she's overwhelmed. and she's had a pregnancy loss and is dealing with someone with a mental health crisis. So maybe her tank is just full, almost like in the way that when you're very overwhelmed, like everything kind of is irritating. So she may have just caught her at a bad moment. The other thing I thought of is that she may kind of not, like you said, really respect her cousin or love her cousin or want her cousin's life or aspire to be like her cousin in some way that she's kind of like, no, I am not trying to be like you.

Right. That's a good point. Maybe her cousin's like a little older or like, I don't know, she doesn't like her life, like you said. I didn't even think of that, but that's probably a good point. Like you're kind of like trying to distance herself from that narrative. This was not in the direction of you. This was maybe in the direction of someone else.

Like I bet she has much more positive feelings towards the other friend that had the cat. Or maybe not towards her, but the life that she's living or something, along those lines that I think she's probably rejecting the idea that she's trying to follow in her footsteps. That's true. And I could see how that would be annoying. Like it is annoying when someone's like, you know, oh, don't worry about that. Like this, like I did this and it worked out so well for me. And I'm like so happy. And you're like, oh, I don't want your life. Like I don't want like, I don't want it to work out like that. I think we had, it's funny. We had like, I would remember when I like, like I had gone through like a three month or kind of

relationship thing and the guy ended it with me and I was like really upset about it. And our aunt who met our uncle like later in life, she had like texted me and she was like, don't worry. Like I met your uncle at like 40. Like we were like, it was great. Like, you know, and look at me now. Like I'm so like, everything's incredible. I'm like, no. Like I don't want that. That is not like that is not what I want. Like I don't want that. Totally. Totally. So if she would have added it, I'm so glad that I inspired you to get a house plant. You'd be like, no, I did not get the house plant because of you. That's a great point. I think we've, I think we've, we've uncovered where the annoyance has come from. Yeah. Well, good luck. I give that. I agree.

I think she knows it. You know it. And I know it. This is like a two tops. Yes. Agreed. All right. Let's do one more. Okay. Hi, Jay and Dr. Naomi. I'm a 26-year-old woman and I recently had dinner with a group of old friends when I was home for the holidays. It's a small town in the south, so everyone is coupled up and married. Because I've known most of these people my entire life, I didn't feel weird, seventh wheeling, and was just happy to catch up with old friends. I felt like they spent the entire two-and-a-half-hour dinner presenting me with names and Instagrams of men trying to set me up and joking that I'm too picky. One, all the people they showed me didn't live in my city, and two, I didn't ask to be set up. I asked multiple times to move on from the topic in a joking way,

but it felt like we just kept coming back to it. Anytime a new topic would start, someone would say, what about insert waspy name here? I got out of a serious relationship over a year ago and it took me a while to feel happy and like myself again. While I'm not opposed to dating the right person, right now I'm just happy to feel back in control of my life. Maybe it's a cultural thing and I'm sure they didn't mean any harm, but I couldn't help but walk away from that dinner feeling less than because I'm not in a couple. It's also worth noting that I used to live with my ex-boyfriend in this town so it maybe brought up some old feelings of shame about. that failed relationship. I think it's great that my friends are looking out for me. I just wish I could catch up with them without fixating on my singleness for two and a half hours. Thanks for all that

you do. Yeah, I think that she is, I get it. I think that the line that explains at all is right now, I'm just happy to feel back in control of my life. So I think for her, the idea of opening her heart to somebody to potentially go through another breakup is just not something she's looking to do and she's happy to feel happy on her own. And I think that's great for her. But I think that's why this, I mean, the entire time I do agree is triggering. I will give her that. But some people will then be like, well, nobody ever offers to set me up. And then that's kind of triggering. So now they're spending the whole time. They probably think that she is into that. Right. Right. I think she probably needs to be a little bit more confrontational here and say, I appreciate the help. You know what? I'm 26. I am not interested in, you know, dating right now. I'm really happy on my own. And if someone came into my life spontaneously that knocked my socks off, I'd be open to it. But I'm really not interested in putting that much effort into like really seeking out random people and being set up on dates. I appreciate your effort.

but I think she has to be a little bit more vulnerable with where she's at in her life, and hopefully they'll back off. I agree. And I think she could even mention that about the thing that she said, in addition to what you said about what she's looking for now, she could mention why that is in the same way that you kind of pointed out that she said, I just feel like, you know, I had this hard breakup. It was really tough for me. And I feel like I'm just trying to like figure myself out now before I'm dating anyone

else and also realize that because these people might be on a totally different page than you and not understand that perspective at all, which is possible. But I think if you're just letting them know where you're coming from, that makes more sense. I think geographically and culturally, which she points out speaking, like people, it's funny because like 26 in the South, I feel like it's very different than 26, like, in Manhattan and the kind of advice you might get from like a group of friends here or there. So it might, I think part of it is the, is the, is the, environment that she's at that she's in and it's sort of like if she could take herself away from it and be like

okay these people around like are in a totally different world than I am yeah and this means a lot more to them than it does to me and maybe they think that I'm that I feel how they would feel in my scenario living where they are um she might feel like it makes more sense even if it's still kind of triggering totally and I I wish that more young single women would be able to have like you Like she's naturally having this mindset where it doesn't sound like she's seeking it out and like so thrilled that she's getting all these setups because she just cannot wait to get a new boyfriend. I wish that more young women would feel just super confident and content in being single. Because there literally is nothing wrong with it.

And it's a great opportunity to just learn how to be with yourself and learn how to be confident on your own and not depend on someone else. And then you meet someone when you meet someone. And then you're better when you do meet them. Yes. I love that she's naturally in this mindset of not like super seeking the boyfriend. But I think she has to communicate that to her friends so they know that what page she's on. And it is sort of, I could see it's offensive and triggering that they're like, well, of course you don't want to be single. Right. Who wants to be single?

Yeah. I think something that also might have made her feel like worse and better about it is that I feel like a lot of friends are doing this for themselves, like they're having fun with it. It doesn't even really have to do with you, which is kind of annoying in, like, annoying in the way that it's not like, oh, your friend looking out for you trying to make you happy with the setup instead, but also nice and that it's not like, oh, they think of you as this like sad loser who's alone and single. But I do think there's a lot of people, sometimes myself included, which I try not to do if I'm setting someone up where it's like, oh, like, relationships are a little boring and like steady and constant. Like let me like find some, right,

let me find some excitement. Right. Let me find some excitement. by like pairing up to other people and I can watch the show of how it goes down. And so it's like not really about you, which can be annoying, but also, um, again, it makes it less personal if you're worried about how it makes you, them think about you. Like it's usually more about that. It's not about you. Right.

Yeah. I agree with that. And I think I do, so I'm going to rate this like higher, not, you know, maybe like a six or so because I think a lot of, this probably happens a lot where a lot of people do what you just described. Do they focus on someone else's singleness because they're bored or because they, you know, I want to be entertained by the dating? I mean, that's why the bachelor and the bachelorette and all these, you know, single dating shows are very popular. People like to watch people like mating and mingling. Dramatic. Right. situations of any kind. Yes. So I do think a lot of

people that are single have these experiences where other people are very focused on their singleness and how to cure them of their singleness, which is very annoying. I agree. So I definitely can understand why she's upset, but I also love the fact that she's totally content by herself and realizing I want to be in control of my own emotions right now. And I'm young and that's exactly what I'm going to do. Yeah. I'd get this one of seven though. That sounds like an annoying dinner. Yeah. And two and a half hours and again, not reading the room and picking up on the fact that she was disinterested in this conversation is annoying. Totally. Because you would imagine she would I mean, I wonder what her response was to the first few people.

Like, was she like, oh, maybe. Right. Instead of saying, like, I'm actually like, I'm good. Like, I'm not really, if she just said I'm not, I'm actually not looking to be set up at all. Yes. But thank you. I'll definitely let. And also you could say, like, I'll definitely let you know, like when I'm in that phase.

Like, if these guys sounds great, I'll let you know. For sure. I like that. Yeah. All right. I think we, we help some people. That's our time. Great work today.

Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales Picoe, and Rebecca Salis McCann. Editing by Vassilio Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Freedlander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.