Oversharing - How To Silence Unwanted Commentary Ft. Jared Freid

Episode Date: August 15, 2023

Dr. Naomi is about to embark on a challenging new phase of life – the family is getting a second dog – so she tells Jordana about her plan to avoid taking care of a puppy all by herself. They offer advice to an emailer who says she is ready to settle down, but she can’t shake the feeling that her relationship could end in divorce. The Betchicist submission comes from a listener who moved in next door to her in-laws and now wants a bit more space. Next, they offer some intentions to a listener whose brother eloped and chose to invite his friends instead of his own family. Then Jordana and Naomi are joined by friend-of-the-pod Jared Freid to talk about his brand new Netflix comedy special 37 & Single (out now) and to help rate some Triggered submissions. Jared asks for some tips for staying grounded on what may be the biggest day of his life. He also shares a Triggered scenario from his recent red-eye flight, before weighing in a pair of submissions about obnoxious break room commentary, and an ex’s beach towel. Oversharing: Calm TF Down is available now, featuring our first four guided meditations! Become a subscriber in the Apple Podcasts app or go to subscribe.betches.com Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How's everything?

I hear you might have an eventful morning after this. Ah, I'm so torn. So, as you know, we have a puppy. well, she's not a puppy anymore. She's a full-blown dog. She's like a year in change. And I was very hesitant. I had, you know, my beloved Ralphie, he was like the dog that I had.

He was just mine, my single life when I was by myself. And just like going through life, I had that dog. And then he passed away right at the beginning of the pandemic. And then I was very hesitant to get another dog. But the kids and Jeff all really wanted a dog. so we did it. And it's like this seeking mindset. It's never enough. Now they want a second dog. How do you feel about that? As I'm speaking this, I feel tightness in my chest in this very moment. I just feel like I, you know, our dog is Penny. I love her. She's really, really good, well-behaved, sweet dog.

We have a doggy door. She goes in and out by herself. But there's something about taking on more of like a mental load and responsibility that makes me anxious because I feel like sometimes I'm already like right there at my limit of how much I can handle. Right. Well, how are the kids in terms of like taking care of the dog? You know, we keep using that. Like when we went away on vacation last week, the whole thing was like, okay, maybe if you guys can show us that you can, you know, not bicker and not cause more stress.

You know, they pick up the poop in the backyard. That's an undesirable task that they complete. So that's good. They really do, they do a pretty good job. I don't, I think it's almost like an irrational fear. Just, I don't do much. Like we went into the agreement with the first dog, Jeff and I that he was going to do the lion's share because I was feeling already overloaded and didn't want it.

And he's really, he did all the training in the beginning. He did the, you know, puppies have to be, it's like a newborn. They have to go out in the middle of the night. It's like a big deal. So he did all that. So I think I just need to breathe through it. It'll be nice for her to have a companion. So right.

So after this, we're supposed to go and see some puppies. But I think this time we're just going to totally surprise the kids with it. Like, just bring it home. Oh, wow. Yeah. You'd probably be obsessed with that. Yeah. That's so exciting.

That's going to be fun. I have a question about what you just said about. like you're kind of saying you're already overwhelmed you don't really want to take care of another one necessarily or even the first one what do you I'm sure you see that in like couples therapy or that kind of thing all the time what are your like thoughts on the ethics of like you can do this thing and it'll be like in our home but I want it to be I think I feel like I've heard this among people who maybe like one person doesn't really want kids or already had maybe like has kids from a previous relationship doesn't really want more and the other person's like, well,

I'll do all the work. Yes. Is that ethically sort of a good way to go? I know obviously a dog is different than a child. Right. It's a little different. I'm not saying it's the same, but it did make me think of wondering what your thoughts are on the ethics of that.

Totally. I've definitely seen that with couples. Just the example that you described where maybe someone already has kids, they get remarried. That person wants kids and they're kind of like, I don't have it in me, but I don't have it in me, but I want you to be happy and, you know, I don't really have the time to dedicate. I think if it's a, if it's an agreement that you make and you both kind of stick to it, you have to realize that you might not have the parental relationship that you want if you're being like a completely or close to hands off parent.

So that's something you have to recognize, you know, like you might be going to things alone. You might be taking on more than what you, you know, realize you're taking on. But I think if you want it badly enough and you want the relationship badly enough, it's a compromise that works for some people. And it shifts and changes over time. I think sometimes people say, like, I don't really want to do this. And then once they're in it, they're kind of like, you know what? Maybe it would be fun to coach the soccer team or whatever, you know.

Right. But I also guess there's like another element of it, probably not there with a dog, about like, how is it fair to the child to like give them a parent that already is not that excited or interested? in having them. And I see what you're saying about changing. Whereas with the dog, it's like the dog isn't going to be offended that you initially weren't that interested in having another. Right. Yeah. I think there's a difference between a parent that's like, you know, and this is probably one of those situations where you'd want to go down. I don't know if we ever talked about.

There's like, I guess this kind of card game that has like all of the responsibilities of like a household. and then I don't know if there's a version or not for parenting. Like each card has a thing like load the dishwasher, unload the dishwasher, schedule the dentist appointment. And you go through the pack and you're like, okay, this one's yours, this one's mine, this one's yours,

this one's mine, or this one's both of ours or whatever. I do think it would be good to do something like that ahead of time so you can really see in real time, whoa, look at my stack here. Like my stack is huge. Your stack is tiny. How do I feel about that?

that. Am I going to be okay with that? But I do think sometimes, and you can relate, there's this feeling of like, I just want to be a mother or a father or whatever it is so badly that I'm willing to do this. And as far as, is it fair to the kid? I think if they're going to be shown love and they're going to have care and you could have that situation anyway without any agreement. And I've seen that many times where it's just like gender roles kind of thing where one person's not doing whatever because it's just they didn't even think about it before they got pregnant. So I think there's worse situations if you're going into it mindfully and with intention and you're saying, okay, I need, you need to have certain level of, you know, care and love

and affection for the child. I do think if your parents saying, like, I want nothing to, like if I was, even with the dog, if I was sort of like, I'm not even going to love this dog. I'm not going to pet this dog. I don't want the dog coming anywhere near me. Don't leave me alone. like even for a dog that probably wouldn't be good right let alone for a child let alone for yeah there's there's different levels of um of interest there's like not fully interested but if it's here i'll

like welcome it especially if i'm not taking care of it versus like i really am like deter like don't really want to be in its presence is obviously a bigger question right i do think that people will oftentimes there's something there's like a biological thing i think that happens when you're around a you know, little cute. That's why babies are cute, right? So we take care of them. So I think sometimes people do come around more when there's an actual baby, especially if it looks like the person or, you know, you can kind of warm up there. But yeah, ethically, I think if it's an arrangement, this arrangement that we had with our first dog worked beautifully. I set the boundaries. I basically said, like, I'm not doing any middle of the night. I'm not doing any, like, I'm not arranging vet

visits. I'm not coordinating like medical care for the dog and he's taken all that on and I never did. And I will not with the second one as adorable and cute as these puppies are at my max. Okay. Well, seems like you're about to have a very full house, three kids, two dogs. Sounds like fun. I am having a little anxiety around just like adding more chaos. I feel like you thrive in chaos though. You kind of don't really let it face you. It's not. It's not. I do handle it pretty well. But I'm also kind of like it's because sometimes I know my limits, you know, and I feel a little bit, I'll update everyone. I feel a little bit pushed past my limit.

Do you feel like kind of like a sucker? Is that kind of what you're saying? You know what I feel like, I feel like the Grinch when I say now. You know, like everyone else wants a dog. And I'm like denying this adorable puppy. Like they're so cute, you know? Right. How can you say no?

And like I feel a little like baham bug. So that's part of why. But that's sort of being a parent, I think too, right? It's like if you weren't like that at all, your kids would just be running around like dirty and disheveled, only eating candy. I'm sure. Right. Right. And some people definitely go that route.

I've seen it. Yeah. So yeah, it's it's tough. I think it's going to be good. She's going to have a companion. So I think what I was going to say is it takes some of the guilt away. Like if we have to be gone for a long time and she's home alone, she'll have a little buddy. Right.

So that might make us feel better. Okay. Well, good luck. Hopefully that you get the dog before this episode comes out and the kids don't find a way to listen. Oh, my gosh. Right. Now you've got a timeline. Right.

Ticking time, Bob. I don't think they're going to listen. I hope they're. If they are, then I'm doing something wrong. They're not supposed to listen to this trash. garbage yeah okay well yeah i'm excited to hear about it when when you do get one i'm sure it'll be very cute i will keep you posted and if i get overwhelmed i will put her right into a nice little crate and send her in an uber straight to your house oh i don't know about that

we'll see yeah yeah okay well yeah you'd have i think you need a little bit more than an uber to go from Dallas to New York. Very expensive. Well, they have a pet. I don't they have a thing where you can like, there's like a pet Uber. I've never used it. I don't know if you have to like get special permission to go in an Uber with a pet. No, I didn't know about that.

I don't think it's sending the pet alone. I think you're supposed to accompany your pet. I would imagine. Yeah. You probably have to, anyway. I'm not going to give you more logistical ways to give me a dog that I also. I also definitely want. Well, all right.

Let's get into our episode. We have our first overshare email. If you guys want to leave us a voicemail, you can call 646-363-6-6-2-9-4. But let's do our overshare. I'll read it. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I love, love, love the podcast. Duh, my biggest thank you for the weekly wisdom, sisterly love, and laughs every week.

I was hoping I could get some advice on the subject of marriage. For contacts, I, 27 female, have been with my boyfriend, 27 male, for a year and a half now. We have lived together for the last six months. everything has been going swimmingly. We're just two peas in a pod. He's who I want to see at the end of a long day. We can easily talk openly about our differences, even tough subjects like intimacy or finances. Additionally, we're good at resolving our occasional arguments and we share the same general thoughts about our goals for the future. My friends and family like him and his friends and family like me. Currently, I'm very happy. My boyfriend and I have been talking about marriage for a little bit now. He's ready to take the leap and simply waiting for me to tell him what ring to buy. For me, I feel like I'm only 98% sure about the whole thing. The lingering 2% seems to center around one recurring thought. I can't help but think about how most people who have gotten divorced were probably happy and in love just like us on the day they got married. So what were they not aware of? And therefore, what could I not be aware of and we'll send it all up in flames?

I don't even know where this fear is coming from other than that one statistic, 50% of marriage has ended a divorce that floats around the internet. My parents have been married for 30 years. My siblings are happily married. My two best friends have gotten married within the past few years, and there have been no complaints from either of them so far. None of my friends growing up even had divorced parents. So why am I so convinced that divorce is nearly inevitable? And we're just too happy now to see it. So either of you have this feeling before getting engaged or married. Was your perspective different having witnessed divorce and maybe knowing the actual reasons that the divorce was for? I'm not the most romantic or heartfelt person in general. So is this just my

rational brain taking over? Is it a good thing that I'm aware and not blindly delusional? Or is marriage the sort of commitment that requires 100% certainty without any doubt? Thanks for the advice, a 98% sure beth. And I included this email because I had actually seen a few iterations of it in the email, slightly like different, but the same general concept about how positive one must be in this scenario. Totally. This is a great question. And I'm going to put this out there. This is not research backed. This is my own hunch. So everyone out there can kind of take it with a grain of salt. I believe that of that 50% statistic and I'm, you know, 50% of people get divorced. I would venture to say that large percentage of the people that are getting

divorced had big issues or major doubts or things that they were pushing through without working on them beforehand that they probably weren't talking about or weren't expressing. So I don't think that 100% of people are sure on the day they get married and then 50% of that 100% that are sure are getting divorced. I think there are a lot of people. And I'm not talking about this person that's like 2% unsure. I'm talking about people who have major issues, who fight all the time, who have substance abuse issues, who have lots of complicated, blended families and lots of different mental health issues or other, you know, complicating factors, that's a large percentage of the 50 percent. I'm not saying that there are not of that 50 percent, that there are not people that

were a thousand percent sure on the day of and still ended up getting divorced. I think that that does happen. But I think the statistic is not based on, okay, everyone is totally sure when they're walking down the aisle. I think a lot of people are not totally sure. Agreed. Not everyone is starting it all on the same place. And in terms of her 2% of doubt, I mean, I actually think it's a little healthy to have like a sense of nothing is 100%. If you think something is 100% there's that's just like a little delusional like absolutely nothing is 100% guaranteed to work. And to know that is a realistic view. I think all one can do is is going, feeling really strongly about the person they've chosen, feeling really good about their connection, feeling

like you and your partner are both willing to work on any issues that might come up and are really dedicated to making it work when it might not be like this, when it might get harder or tougher, you have a rough spot that you're both willing to go into it and you feel like the other person is happy to do that, even if it isn't feeling like two peas in a pod at the moment, because I'm sure every marriage has times where two people are not feeling like two peas in a pod. Totally. Yep, I completely agree. And I think if her doubt was at like, if she was at 60%, I'd be a lot more concerned. You know, like 98% is pretty good start.

And I think you're right, that 2% is healthy because it's funny because at our sister's wedding, our youngest sister's wedding, I gave a speech that was like not exactly the most romantic. I think a lot of people when they give a wedding speech like to kind of do a thing where they're like, you know, oh, you guys are perfect together and like it's rainbows and butterflies and these are all the reasons why you're an amazing match. And my speech was kind of like, shit's going to hit the fan. And you have to sort of be married to marriage. You know, you have to be, I don't think there's a perfect person out there for each person. I'm spiritual, but I don't necessarily believe that you have one soulmate in the universe and you just are destined to find them. And then it, unless you find them, you're going to, it's not going to all work out.

Like if you pick the wrong person, I think if you're both committed to the idea of working through, getting patient, you know, doing therapy if you need it, open communication, I think, you know, you could make it work with not anybody, but I think there's a lot of people that you could probably make it work with if you're committed in the right way. So I totally agree with that. And I think, you know, I can relate to the fears of this kind of situation. or especially having, you know, a mom has been married several times, dad has been married a couple times, just feeling like everything I've seen doesn't really point to, like, statistically

in my own world, it doesn't really feel like that happens that often. But then I think you think about like the difference between your lives and the lives of your parents and like the way that you interact with each other and the way that you've seen your parents interact with each other, honestly, even on like their best days, I think. And just noted, like you said in the beginning to bring it back to what you were saying, like, we're not starting at the same place. Right. Right. The start.

And then even just noticing, like, I think that's a good question. A lot of people, when they come from divorce, they end up being really afraid of divorce or, like, not, you know, afraid of commitment because they don't want to get divorced. But I think sometimes it can kind of feel like, I'm doing this in a much different way. And that feels safe. Like to know, okay, here's the way not to do it. I, like, witnessed that. You and I have probably like, I know I've had many thoughts of like, oh, it's so obvious like why this isn't working.

There's like so many different paths that you can be taking other than the one you've taken. So it maybe almost makes you feel like you have a little more control when you're kind of like, okay, I see what's wrong. And I feel like I'm doing something every day to try to take a different path. Yeah. And I think if you're doing that on, again, I think if you're going into it, you're both committed to like, like you said, committed to marriage, committed to each other and, you know, you feel like it's a really healthy, strong relationship based on the similar values. And you're going into it with that.

That's all you can really do. And again, like, if let's say that you are part of what you wind up being in that statistic, let's say like you do, we all do the best we can. At the end of the day, something happens. You grow apart, whatever it is. You wind up splitting ways. Like, you'll live. Yes.

I think the idea that something might, there's a chance, especially if it feels like a smaller chance that something might not work, you're not going to be beheaded. Like, worst case scenario, you will live, you'll get through it. It'll be fine. Right. Totally. And then the risk of saying like, okay, I'm not going to marry this person because there's a 2% doubt or I'm going to break up with him, then there's just as likely a chance that you either

are not going to find someone else that is your. is sure about that. Like, there's so many things that can happen that trying to, like, control for every single variable feels exhausting. So I like the idea of, like, I will be okay, no matter what happens, where I am right now, weighing all the options. This seems like a really great option. And this is something I'm looking forward to doing. And I could walk out into the street and get hit by a bus tomorrow, too. And that would be the end of all of this. Yeah. Otherwise, like, why do anything? Like you said, like, why not, why leave your house? Right. Statistically, like, bad things can happen all the time. But I think you do the best you can with what you're given and like make really

informed, well thought out decisions. That's the most you could do. Yeah, I think 98% is pretty close to what you're going to get. I agree. If you're 100%, there's probably even a little something wrong that you're not even acknowledging some struggles that you may have down the road for whatever reason. So enjoy, enjoy this person, enjoy the security. And, you know, I would have this conversation with him and just say there's this 2% and a big part of what even might make you feel better about that 2% is knowing that you can communicate and knowing that whatever comes up you guys can you know you have that communication to work through it so if you've gone through issues if you've told him things that he doesn't necessarily want to hear if you guys

have had arguments and you like that's a big piece of what I think you have to go through before you get married so if you've done that stuff and you're able to communicate around it then that 2% is much easier to overcome. Do you want to read our Brechticist email? Yes, I'll read this. Hello, I love the podcast and look forward to it every week. I have a question about living close to family members. I live with my husband and we live next door to his parents currently.

We just had a baby and I'm so overwhelmed by the proximity to family with having their first grandchild. Every time I'm outside, I feel like his parents come over the fence to talk. Every time I take my son for a walk, I'm stopped and sometimes. sometimes even asked to come inside and visit so I don't get my steps in that day. These things bothered me before, but now I'm even more so desiring space for my in-laws. My husband isn't bothered by these feelings as much as I am and generally loves our home and neighborhood. He's open to moving, but I'm worried he'll resent me.

As now with prices and interest the way they are, I'm not sure we'll land in as nice of a home as we have currently. Can I have some perspective on mental health versus financial health and the importance of having space. Am I overreacting? No. Okay, I don't think she's overreacting at all. I was going to say it sounds like a nightmare. Next door over the fence. It's like everybody loves Raymond or something, isn't that like the premise, right? Yeah. No, that sounds very suffocating. I mean, with no end date like in sight. Right. So look, I mean, I do think she could, I mean, make lemonade out of lemons here. It's nice to have your in-lawful.

in such close proximity to help you with your son. I'm sure that's probably part of why you did it. I think there needs to be a very difficult conversation about boundaries and space. And it's so obvious to me that this is not a typical situation that I'm almost, I would be surprised if the in-laws were like super offended that you were kind of like, hey, you know, sometimes when I go for a walk with the baby, I'm not going to stop because like I just am in the middle of doing my thing and I need to you know it's nothing no reflection on you I love you guys I want to make plans but since we live so close I think it's you know

to maintain you know boundaries I think it's best if we like you know try to make plans to see each other instead of pop-ins or you know this type of thing or for her to just be able to say you know when she sees the parents over the fence and they want to chit-chat for her to just just be able to say wave high, make a motion, like can't talk, got to go something and move on with her day. Yeah. I think it's very hard to set boundaries with like some parents who are not your own. There's just not that level of comfort. Yes. Yeah, the husband might need to jump in and help here too, I think. Right. And it seems like I could see why she'd be like, this feels rude because, you know, they're just being friendly or they're just being nice. But I think learning how to do.

do that and that's something I struggle with too especially when like someone just being really nice but you're just kind of like I want to do my own thing that's really like the thing it's just like wanting to do your own thing and wanting your home to feel like a place that you can do your own thing kind of all the time yeah totally I see this even just with people that have roommates like if you're living in an apartment and you have roommates and sometimes you just like don't want to speak you know so like if you're both in the kitchen at the same time like and I've seen this work really well Or it's like if we're in the kitchen at the same time and I'm not speaking, I'm not mad at you. It's nothing you did.

I'm just like need to have my, I'm not in the mood for like chit chat right now. Right. I mean, that's the level of comfort I have with like, with like Mike. Right. But it kind of like it would be a weird if his like mom was talking to me in the kitchen and I was like, I'm not in the mood. I'm like on my phone now. Yes.

I'm doing my like morning crossword. This is. Yes. Like it would just feel like I would feel like. I would feel like you're talking. I mean, you just talked about feeling like the Grinch. Like I'd be,

you know what I mean? Yeah. Totally. Right. I get that. And, you know, it's like if you're in the house,

that's different. She at least has a separate house, which is helpful. Right. Moving is a big deal. Like, I think that's kind of last resort. I would definitely try to have some of these conversations.

Like, we love living near you. It's, you know, it's so nice, but this is, and just be real and say how you feel. sometimes I'm just, you know, and I think the husband has to be there and kind of be supportive in this like boundary setting thing.

I don't see how she's going to be able to continue with this in a way that she feels like, you know, she's a new mom. She's probably tired. She doesn't get much time to herself. So she does. And she feels like it has to be filled with chit chat. I definitely think something's got to be done. and she deserves to be able to set those boundaries. But, oh, this is a tough one. I think it's the kind of thing. I would imagine if you practice it becomes easier, right?

If you practice like with one thing. Because again, it seems like it's all of the things. But if you start with one, you start with like, you know, they wave you over when you're about to take your walk. You're saying, I'm actually going to take a walk with a baby. Like, this is our thing. We'll see you on Sunday. Whatever.

Like, I think having a plan. Right. Yeah, no, I agree. It's going to be awkward and maybe it would require like a pre or a follow-up. That's why I like the idea of like either a pre-conversation or a follow-up conversation where you set the boundary. Maybe the person gets a little bit offended and then you can have like you can either have had the pre-conversation where they're like, oh, right, she said it's not about me. She said it's not this. She said she just needs like her alone time or you have the post conversation where you come back and you tell them it's, you know, when you are in the mood to talk.

It's not about you. I love you guys. This is just what I need to do for my mental health. I love my alone time. I get about yourself and your own like needs. Right. And I think if they have pre-planned times where they're going to see each other, she can lean on that too and kind of be like wave high, see a Sunday,

which is kind of like we have plans. We're going to see you. We love you. We're still here. But like until Sunday, I'm doing my own thing. Yeah. And all of this seems worth it if you can get like a ton of babysitting. Yes.

You know? I agree. It could be like the one really good. Maybe she hasn't used it. Yeah, because she just had the baby. Right. But she might find some silver linings in this next door arrangement. Might be worth putting up with the over the fence, hello's if you could take like a five-day vacation and you have someone right next to your house.

Yes. I agree. I do think humans are really meant to raise kids in this way. think we're meant to kind of be close to family so that we can support each other. I think if you just set some good boundaries here and have those difficult conversations, you know, the four of you or the three of you or whatever it is, I think this could end up being a really great thing if they can see that you have boundaries and respect them. And it's probably not going to be as bad as you think it is to say it. Like I understand the fear of like, I don't want to have like a negative interaction with someone.

Right. But I live next, especially that I live next door to. next door to, right. But I also think it's so reasonable. I think if this mother and father-in-law, like, talk to 10 of their friends, zero of them live next door to their children. So they've got to realize that, like, this is a unique situation that might require some unique firming up of boundaries. Yeah.

Do you think you'd enjoy if Lila got married and moved next door to you? Oh, yeah, I would love that. I don't know if she would love that. But I would love that. It's like great for the parents, I think, because you kind of get, it's like you have your house to yourself more than you ever did before, but you still have your kids close. Like I could see why it's appealing. Like I would love that if that was my kid, but I just wouldn't love that as being on the

other side of it. Right. I think rarely people do. Yeah. But I'm saying give them some of the, give them some of the other parts of living right next door. like asking for favors and stuff and maybe they'll back up maybe they won't be waving as much well maybe you could turn it around if every time they wave you ask them to watch the baby they might be staying inside they might stop waving after a while they might be voiding you're like oh wait you know what actually

i want us to get my nails done would you mind and just like pick the baby up right put her right over the other side of the fence you'll never see them again you don't have plans do you let's see do some intentions. All right. I'll read it. Okay. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, thank you so much for your hard work and valuable insights on the podcast. I found many of the situations you discuss highly relatable and I recommend it to friends any chance I get. I'm writing in today with an issue that's been plaguing my family for months and could really use help setting an intention to deal with the complicated feelings that come with it. I'm one of four children in my family and the only girl. We're all fairly close in age with a seven-year difference between the oldest and youngest prior to all this

happening. And prior to all this happening, I would have said that we were all very close with one another. Earlier this year, my older brother got married to his girlfriend of six years. They had a short engagement about four months and made the decision to a load. I'm also married and while I went the traditional route with my own wedding, I very much understand why a couple would choose to elope. Despite being sad that I wouldn't be there to support my brother on his wedding day, I tried to set my own feelings aside and be happy for my brother. About two weeks before their wedding, I found out that they were inviting most of their large friend group and that we, our family and his now wife's family, were just not invited. I've tried so hard to reconcile this and understand why this was the case.

But I'm coming up short. I've been struggling since then to not center my own feelings when my brother's wedding is about him and his wife and the day they wanted to have. I will add that I don't believe they got married quickly because of pregnancy or wanting to start a family as they are choosing not to have children. I can't help but feel hurt to have not been invited. and I know my parents and other siblings feel similarly. Aside from the occasional mom and dad are being annoying about XYZ Rift, we really have a pretty close family, and I can't quite figure out what led to my brother's decision to not invite us to his wedding,

especially because I know now that they did have guests attending. I think it's also worth noting that my brother and I are especially close and always have been. We've always been honest with one another, even if it hurts in the moment. I figured if there was some kind of problem or tension that led to this decision, I would have known about it. I've considered just asking him why he made this decision, but I haven't for the following reasons. One, I don't want to make him feel bad, especially because his wedding is not at all about me or my feelings. And two, this brother could be quite sensitive, and I worry that even with kid gloves, he would see this type of conversation as an attack and wouldn't want to damage our relationship further.

I keep getting stuck in a thought pattern of, my brother doesn't value our relationship as much as I do, and feeling hurt that I didn't realize we weren't as close as I thought we were. At this point, I just need help moving on from these thoughts so I can maintain a happy relationship with my brother and support him and his new wife in their marriage. Can you help me set an intention to move past this and focus on the future? Thanks so much. Sad, Sister, Ratch. So I think we need to come up with a name for a wedding where the family is all uninvited and it's just friends. Because it's not really an elopement when you're inviting your friends. I haven't heard of most of people doing this almost ever, so. But I kind of get, I kind of get the urge. Like, I'm sure that there was maybe a small part of you that was like,

okay, this, like my, my friends are all my chosen people, you know, there's nobody in there that's going to annoy me. And if they are, I can just like not invite them because they're not in my family. So I do get the urge on the brother's end, perhaps, of why he wanted to do this. I think I have a feeling what's happening here, which is that when she says her brother is sensitive. And then she refers to the occasional mom and dad are annoying about XYZ rift. Right. Whatever that is is probably a bigger deal to your brother than you realize. You know, whatever that thing that you're minimizing that you're like, oh, mom and dad are being annoying, that probably is more annoying, especially if he's a sensitive person than you

realize. And that's probably why he didn't want them there. Like I think there's more going on from his perspective than you realize about how he feels about your family in general. I agree. And I don't think it necessarily has to be about, is about her. But I think it probably he, I think there's a whole mess of like logic that her brother could have gone into in order to have made this decision. Maybe it's his wife's family also that they don't get along with. And they felt uncomfortable at just inviting his side of the family and not her side of the family. Right. Like there's a lot that could be going on behind the scenes that has absolutely nothing to do with you that. could have gone into their thought process on I'm not going to invite any of these people. Right. But I also don't think it's like making the wedding about making it about you by asking. I think if you ask, now I wouldn't ask the day that he got married or even let's say a couple for a couple weeks after. But I think, I don't think it would be offensive or taking the or making it about you to say maybe like a month after the wedding. I really wish I could have been there.

Like I felt a little hurt that I wasn't invited. I'm not saying, anything wrong. I'm just wondering like why you had friends and maybe I don't think you need to make it about your family. You could say didn't invite me. Me. Right. Yeah. Totally. I completely agree. I don't, I think she has, she has to talk to her brother about this. She has to have a real conversation. Exactly in the way you described it where it's like, I'm not mad. I wanted you guys to have the perfect day that you guys wanted. It was it was about you. And maybe even just some curiosity. Like, I'm just wondering what made it feel better for you not to have me there or not to have our family there.

Because I think that there's some stuff there that maybe he's tried to tell her and she's just like, it's just mom and dad being mom and dad or whatever that she hasn't really landed. And maybe she needs to hear it again about like the big picture of what brought him to that decision. And I think she can do that with like a curiosity instead of making him feel defensive. you know or even bringing up like I know that mom and dad can be XYZ is that part of what you know are those things what made you guys make this decision or I'd love to hear more about it I'm just very curious about how you came to this decision friends and not family yeah and I think I think of the other element of it where she says like he they decided not to have kids maybe like that's just not as big of it the wedding itself is is not a big deal to them maybe they're just not really that into like traditional things that society traditionally values. They're not necessarily interested in kids.

Maybe the wedding was just something that they were kind of like, just wanted to like have a very low-key, like, friend to get together. I think it's possible that it had to do with that too. Yeah, I guess so, but I really do validate that she, how she feels about this. Like if it was really an elopement, like it was just the two of them and an officiant, fine. Right.

to be inviting a large friend group. That's fair. You know, I could see why she's upset and I really think it would be great to communicate around this. So it's funny because she asked for an intention around like basically how to just accept this or how to, you know, move past this and focus on the future. And I can help you with that. But I do think that it would be better for your relationship with your brother for you

to understand why he's. did this before and then you can move on you know and then you can say something like oh well one day doesn't define our entire relationship you know you can do that but i i almost wouldn't recommend focusing on the future and moving past it without having a conversation about it and figuring out because i do think whatever it is that was bothering him you don't know so that closeness i think is is going to be diminished if you don't address it right If you don't, and I also feel like, since you'll know your brother forever, she'll know him forever, eventually this will come out. Maybe not in the way that she would want it to come out.

Like this feeling of resentment. It sounds like a kind of resentment that she wasn't invited or at least explained to why she wasn't invited. I can't imagine that they'll go the rest of their lives as siblings and this will never bubble to the surface if she doesn't take care of this conversation earlier. Totally. And look, the other thing is maybe there is something that she is doing. You know, I get it. We're very quick to, and I don't think it's her from what she described, but we're very quick to be like, well, maybe it's just this or maybe it's just that.

Or maybe there really is something that you've done or are doing or he was fearful of that made him not want to invite you. And that's obviously important information for you to have if you're going to move forward and continue a relationship with him. So I get it. The fact that he's sensitive is hard. but I think the fact that he's sensitive is probably part of what is making him cautious of how the wedding was handled.

Maybe you guys are a lot more dysfunctional than you think. I mean, it's possible. I do think it's funny because for some people, it's like, oh, he's just venting about my mom and dad. But for him, it might be like really intolerable, whatever it is that he's venting about. Right. And maybe it would be bring you guys closer if you could understand more that this isn't, that this is like a big deal for him, if that's what's happening.

But I definitely think a conversation would be great. I'd love to hear the follow up on this because I can see why it's hurtful that they were excluded. But I'm sure he probably has some decent reasons. I mean, you would imagine. But also, like he didn't invite her family either, the wife's family either. Right.

So that might be, there might be some, like you said, reasoning there, like he didn't want her mom to come and, you know, he didn't want to have it on one side and not the other. And I could see that. That's why like I kind of, because we've had complicated family dynamics, I could see sometimes making the choice to kind of be like friends only.

So it's not like, well, her mother was invited, but not my mother. And like this person was invited. But how come she brought three friends and I only brought, you know, two friends? Or it takes a lot of that stuff out of it. If you can just kind of be like, all right, we're going to have these like uncomplicated friends come. And that's going to be it. Maybe she doesn't like your family. I guess that's possible too.

Sorry to add more anxiety to her. Yeah. You're like, if you weren't already worrying about this. I mean, that's sometimes a thing. Yeah. The only way to find out is to ask. So I'm not, I'm going to decline, giving you an intention. Rejected.

Sorry, go on. Like on just simply moving forward without a conversation. I don't think that's going to be great. I think you guys have to talk about it. And then once you have that conversation, then you can move forward and say, you know, I'm going to focus on the strengths that our relationship have. I'm going to focus on, you know, moving forward with loving communication. And maybe this will bring you guys closer. You have that conversation right in with a follow up. And then we'll give you an intention.

Yes. That sounds perfect on how to move forward. Because even if you have the conversation, you might have some sticky thoughts and feelings that make it hard to accept that you weren't there for your brother. So, yeah. You've got to earn. it. Yeah. All right. We'll be right back with Jared Fried in our triggered game. And we are back with a very special trigger with a very special guest on a very special day. Please welcome Jared Fried to the podcast. Thank you so much for having me. Yeah, you said it, you said it to me a while, but this is my wedding day. This is, you nailed it. Yes. This feels very much. like, you know, I don't know if you guys felt this on your wedding day.

You're like kind of embarrassed. You're like, okay, enough about me. You know, like. Yes. But also why isn't everyone making sure I'm. Yeah. Also, why isn't, why aren't I the biggest comedian alive yet? You know, like you have that back and forth of like, I know nothing's going to happen,

but something might happen. You know, you know, maybe someone watches it that you don't expect. but it's all been exciting. It's been a, you know, a fairy tale lead up to a fairy tale comedy special. I mean, to give context, because I guess we haven't actually said what the day is. Everyone doesn't know.

For the five of you maybe listening who don't know Jared and don't know and haven't heard, today is the release of his Netflix special globally. Yes, our Netflix special. Yes. 37 and single. It's out. It's on Netflix.

It's there. You can click on my face and watch an hour and seven minutes of comedy gold. So I want everyone to go watch it. It's funny along the lines of the, you know, it's your wedding day metaphor. I feel like the mother of the group. A little bit. I love it. It's not about me, but it is about me.

Yeah. Have people said congratulations to you? Like, have you gotten, do, how do people approach you about the special? People are very excited. It's a, it's a big milestone. Naomi was very excited. Oh, my gosh. She was so excited.

I had no idea. I mean, it was like that moment of, I had no idea this was even a thing at all. And then I was like, holy shit. That's, that's a big deal. That's a really big deal. So it is one of those things. And I, I, I wonder what the psychological. thing is for this Naomi.

Like I wonder like when you, you know, you have this thing of like, you're just hearing everything. Like you hear, you know, it is funny when people are like, you're in the game? You, a Netflix special? I thought, you? You do get a lot of.

Wait, you're like, you know that? You do this? You know, and you can't help yourself of like hearing every little echo and the voice of what someone's, you know, even a compliment. you're like, can you just change that compliment a little to the right?

Right. Was it said with the right level of enthusiasm? Like, I see exactly what you're saying. It's funny, I just moved into my house. And when I like, a couple people have come by. And when I'm giving them the tour of the house, I'm like, by the end of it, I'm like, are you like tired of like having to like perform your life?

Tell me how amazing everything is. Like, I love this color. A bedroom. Never seen one of those before. Right. I'm like, by the end, I can imagine someone's like, okay, I'm like, because you have to have a certain tone in your voice. You can't be like, okay, let's go to the next room.

Right. Right. Okay, like, that's great about the special. Yeah. That's it. No, I agree. I think in order to have the high highs of like that compliment from that person is just like, I'm floating, you're going to have to have that little tweaky thing on the other end of

like, wait, why did he? phrase it that way. Why didn't they say it this way? Or, you know, so I think that's just part of it you're going to probably have. And I'm sure today or tomorrow, you're going to start having a whole new influx of now that everyone's heard it. Now what do they think? And so I hope you could, if you need a little session to keep your head on straight, I might be no, because I'm sure it's going to be a wild ride when you start getting feedback and it's not all going to be good. I'm sure. Well, I mean, we, it is interesting that it's going to be, I think it might be, we heard that it was going to be reviewed by the New York Times. And that's one of those that you go, like, I mean, this segment is perfect for like, how much should I be triggered by these little tiny things that are really just compliments or really just someone watched it and they did enjoy it.

And, you know, how much do you need out of someone from this? And thinking of the New York Times is like, you know, that's one of those that like, I have never read a review of myself. Like I've never been put into context, I guess. Like, and I don't know. Most of us haven't. Like, I am kind of excited to see like what someone who has a rational thought. Like we see so much. I think on the internet, we think of commenters.

They're either right or they're the biggest fucking asshole you've ever heard. So there's no new. nuance. There's no like they either love me and they're right or they don't like me and they are a crazy person who came on the internet to say something negative. And it's like both aren't true. They're easy to dismiss. Right. So when you have like a review, I'm like I'm like more curious to how I'll feel reading those words. Like I guess I'm hoping the review that I would give myself is the same. I read from the guy who reviews the special. Do you know what I mean? Well, I feel. I feel like that's kind of a high expectation to have, you know.

Oh my God. I'm triggered. This is a 10. I think I'm not like sitting here being like I have the best special ever. You know, like I'm sitting here going. No, no. I think she's just saying it's about like expectations. Like it's funny.

Like again, to bring this back to maybe more relatable things, people who don't have an actual like special to your wedding day. Let's say it's your wedding, right? Like how do I get triggered by like, I hear my mother in law saying like she didn't like the appetizer choices or something like that. Like, or like, how do I, you know, how do I not get annoyed that every little thing that goes, that might go wrong on this day?

And I think maybe we should have had you on for intentions in terms of like, we're recording this a day early. Yeah. So it hasn't come out yet. Dr. Naomi, what, what tips do you have for Jared going into this day to keep him sane and to let him enjoy it without maybe getting bogged down and something that might derail him? It sounds like that.

This is a good idea. Because I am a fan of the show, the intention segment, I love listening to it. It is funny that someone's just repeating Dr. Naomi's mantra to themselves. Like, I, it's funny when you give the intention, Dr. Naomi, I always repeat it to myself and see how it feels for a second. Oh, good. I like that. I'm like, let me try this on. And sometimes it doesn't relate to me because sometimes it's like, I will go through with the pregnancy.

and I'm like, I don't know, wait. And then everyone around you is looking at you, like, what is this guy talking about? But I would like this. Yeah, this would be very helpful. It would be funny that like tomorrow someone sees me and I'm just going, you're going to go through life knowing not everyone's going to like you. Just me repeating it to myself. Yeah, I mean, you know, the thing that comes to mind for me, especially when you're talking about a New York Times review, right? It's like coming back to, at least they're talking about me.

Right. Like that's huge. Like even if it's bad, people might be like, let me go check out what's so bad about this. And then they might, and then they might be like, you know what? I disagree. I thought this was really funny. I mean, I think that's the thing about comedy. It's like what somebody likes isn't going to be what somebody else likes.

You know, what strikes you might not be. But I think the fact that everyone's talking about it. So maybe even just coming back, the more talk there is, if it's good, if it's bad, people are paying attention to you, which I think it's sort of like your wedding, you know, coming back to that same analogy, it's like, all right, you're here. Everyone's here. We're doing this. Everyone's like coming together for me. People might like the appetizers. Some people might like my dress. Some people might not like my dress. But everyone's here. I'm in the spotlight for this one day. This is my day. So, and for you, I think it's going to be, I'm hoping, more than a day. I think it's just going to

catapult you. Well, I appreciate that. Thank you. And I do think like the worst review, you're right, would be, me, take it or leave. Right. That would probably. Or no one, no one even saying no review at all. Right. Because I, listen, when I told my parents, like, to them, they were like, Netflix, wow. And I was like, yeah, I think the New York Times are not.

They're like, what? Like, that was like, oh, my, to them, I think they were like, well, I guess our friends are going to know about it now. You know, like, that's one of those places that is like a hotbed for that group, too. Yes. Yeah. And I honestly, your name is going to be in there. The name of your special is going to be in there.

And that's it. And people are looking at it. And, you know, even if they don't, a lot of people won't even read the whole review. They'll just see the headline with you and your name. And like, great. You know, let me go check that out. It's in the New York Times. If there are anything like me, they'll only read the headline and then go with that.

Right. Right. But, I mean, I've seen it. It's an incredibly funny special. So, you know, the New York Times is going to love it. I'm so excited. That's like my plans for tonight. That's what I'm doing.

I'm excited. Very, it's all been wonderful. It's all been like, it's been a dream, a dream come true. And my secondary dream come true was to come on here with you guys and talk about these crazies and their problem. Triggered? Yeah. Speaking of people who can't handle anything and get triggered easily. I connect with these people.

I connect with their issues, like that little tiny thing. I connect with the triggered segment. because I do have this thing all the time of like, you do kind of do the, you know, the office, like you're on the episode of the office and you're like, is anyone else seeing this?

Like, I think that's like, right, this whole segment in a nutshell. You want validation. Right. Totally. That your feelings of feeling like this person is crazy are accurate. Right.

That even feels just to be read on the triggered segment, you're like, okay, at least I hit a nerve with, you know, Dr. Naomi and Jordana, like, they were like, okay, the world must know. Right. Totally. Give us your triggered.

We'll start with your triggered. Here's my predicament. I took the red eye from L.A. to New York, but there's two red eyes. There's a 9 p.m. and a 10 p.m. So I was like, I'll take the 9 p.m. because it'll get me into New York at like 5 a.m. And hopefully I'll beat traffic to the city. That's like a big part of the red eye flight is not. It's not just the flight.

It's that hour in the car trying to get home from the flight. So we land and the ding doesn't go off. And you're like, why isn't the, you know, to stand up? And we're sitting there and it's like 20 minutes. And I'm like, we're losing this valuable pre-traffic time. Yes. And then they open the door to the plane. They say, please don't stand up.

Please. That's what they come over the loudspeaker. No one stands up. Why? Right. And I'm going, let me just, let me interject. Do you know that Jeff actually has a shirt that he wears on the plane that says, do not stand up when the plane lands.

Because his triggered is when people like rush the aisle and he's like, I'm waiting like a civilized human. Right. And well, standing isn't going to make it go any faster. Right. Have some class. You know, like, you know, like, just like I always, I'm like overly polite. I'm like, no, you.

first like I want to show people that I'm like Jeff you know it's it's interesting that we're all like we're such animals that like no one stood like you didn't hear that ding so no one stood it was weird well trained right well trained well trained dogs and they the door opens and a bunch of police officers come into the plane so we got action here and I'm like oh what's going on I didn't hear anything, they start bringing people off the plane. It was like the guess who board? Like, who? It was, this is just people.

Like, it was like, something happened. And they bring off like, there's like a Hasidicai, you know, a white woman. Like it was like, you know. They're like picking random people. It felt as, like, like none of them seemed connected. Like it was like a Latino man, you know, black guy, you know, like by name. No, they're just grabbing who they can. They're not calling out racial types.

No, they're just the randomness of who came off by the, by the cops. So like, you go, what happened back there? Like, you're just like, and then they get them off the plane, all the, like, 10 people. And then the cops go away and then you hear ding. And we're like, okay, we just have to get up and like, hold on. Pretend that never happened. Right. Right.

And I'm like, we're all just like, can we have a story? And I look at the flight attendant. And I'm like, of course, I'm like, you know, my mom, I turn into my mom right away. I'm like, what was that all about? Like immediately. And the flight attendant goes, just drama. And I was like, and like, can you tell me the rest of the story? And they're like, yeah, we can't.

I was so annoyed the rest of the day. Now I'm sitting in traffic because we're late sitting there mad at these random people for a story I never even got. Like how I was I was at a 10. Right. They should be obligated to give you the story. Exactly my poor. If that's going to happen. Or at least some version of what you know, it's so funny because the first, when you first said that and you said that you were waiting 20 minutes before and there was no ding. Even at that moment, I was like, they should be coming on. Right. And saying, there's a line, there's a this, whatever it is, because it just helps you feel a little bit more in control of the situation in that moment where you're like, okay, there's something happening.

I don't know what it is, but like I have some information which soothes me. Right. So yeah, I could see being triggered by getting like drama. That's the answer. That's it. Right. Right. Should I look at the times to see if this fight was reviewed?

You know? Especially to a group of people that have all been up all night. Right. You're going to give us nothing. This was like the. Yeah. And also we're going home. Give us a story.

Give us something to tell on a podcast. You know, like we, you know, like, yeah. Drama. Wow. I do wonder what it was. I could definitely. There was, we had a situation right outside my house. There were like a bunch of cops out there for a long time.

And I went out and I'm kind of like, what's going, you know, it's like literally right outside of my house. And they would give me nothing, right? No information. So frustrating. There should be one police officer whose job is to just like gossip. Like, yeah, public relations. Right. Just, hey, oh, so I don't want to say anything, but here's what happened.

They even play up the whole thing. I don't want to say anything, but, you know, that guy in the back of the plane. They didn't have the kosher meal. He freaked out. The woman next to him. He said, go fuck yourself. Like, just give me something. Like, I don't know.

Getting the story just, like, oozes over me of, like, goodness. Just like, it's like a, you know, it's like fast food. You know, just give me something. Yeah. It makes it worth it. Right. Okay. I would give yours like a six.

I was going to say six. I was going to say six. That's all I needed. Yeah, six works for me. I mean, you said it was a 10. But I'm glad I'm glad that it's. I've relaxed in the week and a half since this happened. Right.

I think a 10 would be like if the flight intendants then started like insulting you or yelled at you for even asking. Yeah. Yeah. Why do you need to know? Yeah. What are you writing a book? I used to hate that. like you'd ask a question as a kid.

What are you writing a book? Yes, I am. I'm writing a book about all of you. And now that you're being reviewed by the times, it's going to sell pretty well. All right, well, let's do some listener triggers. I know this is your favorite segment. It's my favorite.

And I'll read the first one. And by the way, again, in case you guys haven't heard it, 37 and single, it's on Netflix right now, globally, wherever you are, check it out. Yeah, play it for two minutes. Just if you're sitting here being like, I'm not going to watch that whole thing. Two minutes.

Just go. Two minutes. Play it. Help a guy out. Please. Please, I have nothing. The New York Times hates my special. Please.

Hi, Jordan and Dr. Naomi. Love you both. Betches and oversharing. I have a triggered scenario for you. My boss is a middle-aged man that is overall great and very kind. However, he is one habit that is making me absolutely crazy. We work long hours and often have food brought in and or extra food around the break room to be eaten for lunch, snacks, dinner, etc.

Every time I'm in the break room making myself something, and he comes in, he comments on whatever it is I'm making. Just now, I was making a P.B&J, and he started singing the 2000 smash hit, Peanut Butter Jelly Time. Do you guys remember that song? Yeah. That was my best rendition as a non-performer.

Yesterday, I grabbed a few Oreos as a snack, and he commented, cookies. It's rare that cookies are healthier than the lunch option, because that day the catered lunch was pizza. Another day recently, I was making a peanut butter sandwich as a snack and he commented, you love those peanut butter sandwiches. That one's the most annoying. I agree.

Yeah. I know he's just making these comments to fill the silence in the room, but I wish he would comment on literally anything else. How triggered would you all be? To me, this is starting to inch its way towards an eight or so. I also have a history with disordered eating, which I think is definitely playing into my triggeredness. Again, love you both. Thank you for all you do. And thank you in advance if this triggered makes it on the show. Signed, get out of the kitchen. Betch. Jared, what do you think?

What number would you give this? The disordered eating at the end of it like tells you everything. Like I, I mean, all three of us are on the same page is like, I don't want commentary on what I'm eating. Like, I don't want that. That's the one that I would be like, it's funny. Like in the beginning, like if you just complain about like, oh, this guy's singing peanut butter jelly time. in the kitchen. Like some of these triggers like the writers the problem. You know,

like it would be like if they went to HR, they'd be like, oh, we gotta be careful around Janet. She can't handle anything. You know, but then when you get to, you love those PB and Js,

I would be like, I don't love anything. How about we stop noticing me at this office? And what I, like, are you counting? What are you writing a book? You know,

I, it's like when the waiter comes over and is like whoa we guess we were hungry and it's like oh my gosh yes that's why you came to a fucking restaurant very annoying yeah right right right you get a tip that's a percent of the bill right right why don't we all shut up and five percent is deducted for every comment about how much food is left on my plate right I just don't need the context of how much I love it so I it's that one out of the three that makes it like a seven for me. I could see that. I do, and I totally agree, and I think when you have that background, anyone making comments, I agree, is triggering. I think this guy doesn't know how to relate to her.

He's older than her. He's just trying to make conversation. So doesn't, I don't think, realize how annoying this is. Even the first one was like kind of funny because it was like, you know, but I agree. After the third comment, it's very annoying. But I don't think he means any harm. Although, I would be like the waiter doesn't mean any harm and they're like you know, ooh, I remember going out, this was in high school and, you know, we got some kind of dessert like me and a bunch of my friends and within 30 seconds like the whole thing was gone. And the guy came over and he was like, do you savages one another? So that was like the intro into a waiter's commenting on, you know. So I,

I get it. I think after the third comment, I'd agree with the seven. The first two, maybe I'd be like, okay, this is a five. But like now we're really getting annoying. Well, because now it's kind of like, now I don't feel comfortable, like, even making that again. Because I don't want you to come in here and like talk about it. Right. I just want to.

I would be like going out for lunch, I think, after this scenario. The most annoying part about this is like you can't, it's hard to do something about it. Like, I think the helplessness of this because you love to. Peanut Butter and jelly like this guy you're right he doesn't know like he has no idea and if you you love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches if your responses Hey Mike why don't we not talk about what I like and don't like and just be professional like There's no way out like you there's no way for you not to sound like the asshole Like they're just fun hey look at that there's BB and J you love a BB and J you know like they I also this highlights a great fear of mine that I have is the description of my boss is a middle

aged man like we just that's all you need to know though kind of it's like all you need to know because middle aged men in 2023 are not thinking that like you might be sensitive about like people commenting on what you're eating and middle aged men don't think of themselves as middle aged men they think of themselves as fun fun dude of the office like right if If I heard a triggered segment written from a Betches employee being like, so this middle age man comes in and does the U.S. podcast every week, like that would be shattered. I'd be like, no, 38 isn't that.

No, no, no, we die in 100 now. You know, 38's a new 28. You know, like I, because just, men in general just don't, they're 25 forever. So like this guy just thinks he's like, in his mind, it's, I'm the kid. cute guy in the office to this young woman, not middle-aged man. Right. Totally. Right.

Making her uncomfortable. I agree. I think psychologically, too, like you said, the part that probably is really actually triggering her is this idea of like, because she has had issues with eating disorders in the past, is this idea of like, now I have to maybe hide what I'm eating or I have to take it and make it in my office or I have to eat in secret and it has to be kind of the shameful process of eating. I think is probably, that's the part that for me, when I think about it, shoots it up from,

you know, a five to like an aid is that now she feels like she has to be shamed or, you know, driven into a corner where she's like taking the peanut butter and jelly, bringing into her office and, like, making it secretively. Dr. Naomi, you're so, you're so right because I used to, like, eat very regiment. I, like, lost a bunch of weight when I was, like, in college and I started eating, like, tablespoons of peanut butter like as a snack and I would do it in a tablespoon because that was just like what regimen I was on that I could handle and then when I started being like you know I'm in the next phase of life I don't want to do this anymore the the most annoying conversation to me was like

where's the peanut butter it's like yeah I'm doing a new thing now like I like I like all and and to me it was like someone being like oh you're giving up you know like Like if you're not doing this other regimented thing, it's like, oh, you must be just having burgers and fries now if you're not doing peanut butter. And it's like, well, I have a new thing. But it's not, you know, if they, again, that person was trying to make conversation as much as this guy is, you know, but I, I understand the gut punch of noticing my eating. I hate that.

Yes. Yes. Yes. And it's for you, it's triggering or for anyone in that situation, a reminder of like, okay, I had this super. Now I have like maybe a little less control and then it gets in your head. What does it mean that I have a little less control? Am I going off the handle?

Maybe I should get on the scale. Am I losing control of this? And now you start kind of spiraling. So yeah, I get this. Absolutely. Yeah. I'll go with a seven. I was going to call it a five just because I think that he's just like, I don't know.

I just feel like he thinks he's like being nice by like making conversation. Yeah. I was just like the way like someone would be like, I love your outfit or your shoes. But he can't say that. So I think he's just grabbing on to something. And I think his intentions are pure. But I see.

Well, I guess it would be like consistency is not. I guess we're wearing that shirt again. You love that or you love that shirt. Right. Yeah. Yeah, that would be very annoying too.

Which would be triggering. But again, like I think if she made it about something that she had maybe no heightened sensitivity around, I think she would be like he's really just. trying to make conversation. Right. Right. Well, that, that example shows the, if, let's say she didn't have a lot of money and she really didn't have a lot of shirts. And she was kind of wearing the same shirt over and over again. And it was like this little trigger to something more personal. She'd probably be super offended that he

noticed that she was wearing the same shirt. Same thing with, you know, her having disorder eating in the past. So yeah, that's what that's the whole essence of triggered. It's like, it's really kind of about your own stuff. Totally agree. Speaking of that, I think the next one really should. shows that. Naomi, want to read it? Sure, I'll read this one. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana.

I have a triggered scenario I'd like to get your advice on. My boyfriend and I have been together for about three and a half years and it's had its ups and downs. In the beginning, there was a lot of infidelity and uncertainty with his ex. At this point, I'm no longer worried about the ex, but it did some damage to me mentally. She lives in my brain rent-free and let's just say she takes up a lot of space. I'm actively trying not to think about her, but one thing is really bothering me. My boyfriend continues to use a beach towel that he got with her on their last vacation together, a vacation that was meant to be one last effort to mend their toxic relationship before breaking up.

This doesn't include the overlap after he met me. I heavily associate this beach towel with him breaking up with me after he brought it on a short vacation we took with friends. I thought it was weird that he had brought it in the first place as he had never used it around me in the past. Once we returned home, he told me that he was sorry, but that he wasn't over his his ex and could no longer date me. Fast forward and we now live together and our relationship is stronger than it's ever been, but he continues to keep this beach towel in his car. He mainly uses it for

gross things, cleaning up car spills, drying off after the rain as a sweat towel, etc. Every time he asked me to grab it for him or I see him use it, I can't help but be triggered. Am I crazy? Can I ask him to retire the towel? Crazy, Betch. This is amazing. this is great i i find this extremely true come back going back to insecurities that people have right relationships i would be like it's got to go i would just throw it out and not even tell them right like secretly oh i forgot it i needed to clean my you know bottom of my shoe and i left it outside exactly and then make him the crazy one for like it if he got upset yeah oh that's actually really sadistically a good plan

Very manipulative. The way you two just came together for that being a good idea is Dr. Naomi should lose her license. It is, ooh, good one. Make him the crazy one. I agree this is triggering. Like,

it is absolutely bizarre for him to use this towel as if he's like a toddler with his binkie. Like to have like such a specific towel. I have nothing No item in my life matters to me like that like or like also how did you even know

that that's where he got the towel I'm like a little confused by the email like I guess maybe she asked like he must have mentioned it right why do you carry around a beach towel with you everywhere

like he's using it a lot that's what I'm saying he bought it on this trip with his is that what it is he bought it on this like mending the relationship trip, but the mending obviously didn't work. So it almost symbol symbolizes like the end of the relationship. But still, why is he keeping it?

Or maybe it means nothing to him. Jared, what do you think as a guy? You think it just, he's just using it. He likes it. It works well. I think that's a, it's functional. Like it is just a towel. Like I can't if he was, that's why your plan works.

Like throw it away. Oh, I just saw that towel. I threw it away. If he does have an issue with it, like he obviously thinks of this towel highly. in a way that I've never thought of any. This kind of reminds me of like when we've talked about it on you up where, you know,

oh, you have all these gifts from your ex and you're like, well, it was just in my closet. I just didn't clean it out. Like we can talk, you know, like that means nothing. You know, like, I really don't like keep these gifts to like remind me of a time that was past. You know, I don't know. That's me.

But I also tend to believe that most people are very much alike. So like to me for him to like have this like backstory with the towel that she has would be a little bizarre. Yeah. And I think she can go one route, which is just throwing it out and then making him the crazy one if he gets upset. Or she could say like, you could tell him, I'm going to throw out this towel. It reminds me that trip that you took with your ex while we were kind of dating and like makes, it gives me bad memories every time I see it. It makes me kind of annoyed.

So I'm going to throw it out. If you'd rather me be annoyed every time I see the towel, we can keep it. Right. It's up to you. That's your choice. Right. That's the thing. Like he has no idea that he is like waving around a red cape in front of a bull.

Like he has no idea. Like in my mind. Like to me, her being triggered by the towel is like not the craziest thing in the world. You know, this is like, you know, you had it with this last girlfriend. It was on a trip that meant a lot to you that is like a big, you know, part of your story that he broke up, you know, tried to get back with, you've had an up and down past. You're better than ever. Then the relic of this issues that you guys have had is being brought with you everywhere you go.

Like I can totally understand like, hey, get rid of it. It just makes me annoyed and brings me to memories that I don't want to remember. That's why it's like, for him, it's got to, like I can't understand that he would want, like just like you said, Jordana, like, why would you want a fight? Yeah. And if he does, then again. there's like something that maybe you're not better than ever. Yes.

Right. Then it's worth this. I totally agree. I don't think it makes her crazy. They're living together. They're in a serious relationship. I don't think it makes her crazy for her to say, hey, this towel is triggering to me. Can we get rid of it?

And hopefully he'll just be like, sure. Like, let's say it was a T-shirt from like Carlos and Charlie's. Like, you know, like that would be weird if he was like, oh, you know, wearing the t-shirt. We would think it was like not crazy at all. Like if he was like, oh, this t-shirt, yeah, it's from the breakup trip I had with my ex-girlfriend. All right, let's go to dinner. You know, like it would be weird. Right.

Totally agree. So, yeah, I would give this personally. I would give this. I would give it a seven. I don't know about you guys. Yeah, I could see it. I mean, maybe because I haven't been personally affected in the same way. I could see it in your eyes.

You're like, you know, maybe I'd give this. I'd give it a six, I think. I think it's a seven, but it's easily fixed. Like it's like right If he gets rid of it It goes it goes away It's over like and honestly If she finds a new thing

That has a memory attached to it Maybe she's the problem Like you know it's like You know the towel That's a good point Like if it doesn't go away with the towel And you're still holding on to this Then like there's other issues at play

Like I can understand it's just the towel Oh fuck this towel It brings me to a place I get that like But it's a seven that should be gone right away It shouldn't be you know, this triggered shouldn't live on. I totally agree.

I think if it's just the towel, it's gone. If it's not, she's not over. Right. She hasn't, she hasn't fully like gotten over or whatever happened in their past. Yeah, or maybe just worth a conversation because let's say he replay,

you know, he has some other like, let's just say devil's advocate that he is still like mourning the loss of his other relationship or clinging to some kind of thing. It's worth a conversation. Like let's say he gets, rid of the towel and then all of a sudden there appears like you said a t-shirt or something and she's like all right we got to address this you know clinging or at least her feelings about it right and i could see

her being upset that it sounds like it was kind of an overlap and he was picking between the two of them and i think this was probably a terrible time in her life and this towel is representative of that so yeah yeah and i think it's weird because it's kind of like i think there is an insecurity around someone having been even having happy, fun memories with someone else when it's kind of like there shouldn't be because people had lives before they met you. But I think there can be this feeling of like, I want to just feel that you don't think or miss that other person, which even if they do, I don't think means that your relationship isn't valid or is doomed. But I think that's an interesting topic we can explore in a later episode. Well, Jared, thank you so much for coming on

today. Everyone go listen to 37 and single on Netflix wherever you are in the world. Watch, check it out. You're going to love it. It's hysterical. I've seen it. Naomi's seen you live also in Dallas. And I know. Oh my God. I was laughing so hard. I can't wait for this special. When I saw you live, I was like, you know, it made me feel like I want to go to, you know, a million shows. It was really, really fun. I was laughing really hard. So I'm, I'm excited to sit down and watch this. Thank you both. It's a pleasure being here. This is on my podcast. podcast rotation. Not every day.

Yes. Does someone get to go on the show that they listen to and be a part of the fun game? So it is amazing to be here. And I love the show. You were like an OG podcaster. So that is very, that's a high compliment. A middle aged podcaster.

I thought you were never going to come back after the last one because we were like, I felt like I was maybe digging like just a little too deep. And then you were like, all right. I'm out. I'm done. I had a great time. It was the most negativity I ever. got from a podcast, people really didn't like me making fun of the triggered person.

Well, these were more sympathetic. Right. I, I, I, we make fun of because we love, you know, the listeners will be it. I, I don't know how anyone could disagree with us. We're always right. Exactly. Tell the New York Times. Yeah, that's right.

Thank you guys for at me. Congrats again. And we'll see you guys next week on oversharing. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales Picoe, and Rebecca Salis McCaffey. Editing by Basilio Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Friedlander.

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