Oversharing - How To Stop Texting Your Ex

Episode Date: August 30, 2022

Naomi and Jordana begin the week with a conversation about the transition from relying on your childhood family to starting a family of your own. Then they read the essie Overshare email of the week from a listener who is still texting an ex more than a year after the breakup. Is she really missing the ex, or is the loneliness she’s feeling driving her to miss the attachment? Naomi walks us through a visualization exercise for comforting your child-self (and healing our childhood attachment issues) along with a strategy for enlisting a friend to help resist the urge to reach out. This week’s Betchicist email comes from a single 30-something year-old woman who’s fed up with the societal pressure to get married and have kids. Naomi and Jordana wish there was an equal focus on celebrating partnership and other life accomplishments like success at work. They close things with a trio of Triggered submissions about an embarrassing Facebook pic, wedding photo drama, and a ring shopping insult. Thanks again to our presenting sponsor essie. For more information, visit: essie.com/colors-and-connection Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. So great to be back with you.

Still high off of our in-person recording that we did last week. How was the wedding that you attended? The wedding was amazing. But I don't think I told you this, we all got COVID. Oh, you have, I know Jeff had COVID. I did not know that you had COVID. Yes, the whole, the whole family. Does the whole wedding have COVID?

We didn't, we made it to the wedding. And then we ended up getting, you know, he started getting sick after the wedding. And then we all kind of tested and it just kind of, you know, dragged in one by one. But everyone honestly feels totally fine. That's good. I wouldn't have known if we didn't test that we had it. Right. And you guys have never had it.

Before? Technically never had it. But now that I know what it is, I'm sure I've had it. It just felt like an allergy, almost, like a ticklish throat. Like, that was it. It was not a big good. Thank goodness. It does not feel super ill or anything.

Well, I hope the whole family is doing, okay? At least you guys are all together in your house. That's nice. Yeah, no, it's good. I think we're towards the end of it. My mission is to get the kids back to school when school starts. So we're trying to get everybody testing negative by then. we'll see how that goes. Talk about family bonding. Yeah, right? Because we had a full week off in New York and then a full week and now there's a potential that they may not be able to go back to school. So yes, a lot of family. A lot of togetherness. A lot of togetherness. But the wedding was really, the wedding was really fun. I kind of hate to say this to you because I don't, you know, that's not your side of the family. But like it was just so like functional and like, like,

drama free it was drama free that's great no I don't think anything with our family is ever like that with like this side obviously other side of your family of this side of the family and that is sort of like that's my great childhood disappointment or like life disappointment I think about our because I love our family and I love like everyone like individually or even like in groups certain groups together but like it is kind of like a bit of a big letdown that we can never just have like a functional celebration because i have it on both sides i have like this side that it almost feels like i'm in the truman show sometimes or whatever you know like like an alternate universe yes it almost feels like i'm like what is going on with all of these happy people

just like happily and kindly interacting nicely right how is this and that's like what a lot of people have. So it's weird because I kind of have that sometimes on the one side where it's just very it's so normal that it almost feels like a stepford situation, which is just. Then because I feel like growing up in our, you get almost like a little like cynical about like, we can't all be this happy. If you see anyone who's like, you're all faking it. You all meet each other. Yeah, but no, it sounds like it was really nice. It was really nice. I get jealous a little bit sometimes. Yeah, that's why I didn't. really want to get lean too hard on that no i mean it's i i know i don't i'm not like you know i know

sort of i have a sense that it's like that especially for of you were so normal but there's got to be some balancing factors there yeah but the truth is and i always think about this you i don't think you would be doing what you're doing and i actually wrote i wrote mom a card that was kind of like sort of thank you for always keeping it real. Thank you for always kind of like talking about everything because I don't think you'd be able to do what you do if it wasn't for that. Like if you grew up solely with that other side, there's no way you wouldn't be able to have the insights that you do and the introspection and the ability to verbalize all of your emotions if you just came from like a totally. Happy family. Yeah. I think there's something. to be said for a little bit of, you know. A little bit of adversity. I think resilience is a really good, important quality. And it also makes you feel more confident that you can handle other things, I think.

Or like, what I find compared to a lot of my friends, is like, I feel like I'm a lot more okay with chaos. Like, I'm not as scared or worried about bad things happening because I've just like, things used to just be very chaotic every day. And so now my life is like much less so. but like I have that muscle memory of like I'm unfazed by like a little stabbing on the street in New York. Totally. Which sounds absurd, but it's like a little bit of a numb.

I think it used to be a numbness. It showed itself as like a numbness to emotions and feelings. And then as I've worked through it in therapy, it's sort of displayed itself as like I can be more emotional. But I can also like channel that part of my brain like that survivalist. Yes. You've practiced that. Yeah. When things are a little chaotic.

But, and also it's funny because like when I think of, I'm in the phase where I'm, you know, in the process of of thinking and trying to start a family. And I think about what I want that to look like. I mean, we talked about in the last episode where I think about, you know, getting our nails done with SET nail polish. But what I really want from starting a family or having a family is a sense of like what I didn't have, which is just like almost a chance to redo it in a way that's. that feels really like supportive and calm and like normal and non-caotic and just like smoothly going and like just having consistency every day. I think consistency was like something that I'd always craved that just I'd never really had. And so that seems really appealing to me. Totally. And I think the way that you're doing it, there's obviously these cycles, you know, intergenerational trauma where if you don't make an intentional,

choice to do things differently than how you were raised, you're going to naturally fall into what you've seen, what you know, what's been modeled for you. So the fact that you're, before you even have your kids are creating this intention of how you want to do it, that's what you have to do if you want to make the change. And it has to be like an everyday intention until it gets to the point where it's like running well. But I'm sure that there's like that part of you that just has this, you know, modeled thing that you grew up like, okay, whatever. We, you know, we have dinner whenever we have dinner or like, you don't want to eat tonight, don't eat tonight, or, you know, whatever kind of thing.

There was nobody like checking to see what you were eating or not eating or if you want some more structure and you want some more, you're probably going to have to put effort into doing things. I'm just giving an example of what, you know, but you probably have to put some effort into it. So it's great that you're leading with intention because that's really the only way to make real change. And it's nice to have almost the model of like what it looks like when it's not like that. So I can go the other way. But I'm glad it went well.

And I'm actually glad that you have that because I do think it makes, you know, obviously like it's great for you just as a person. But also like on my selfish side, it's like it makes, I think, the children from that side a lot, you know, better companions for us. now that we're adults, like we're friends. And I think it, you have that sense of the modeling of that also. And I do feel like you almost brought some of that from that side of your family as children into like our side. Like that's the only really side that I feel like that's where I saw it. Even if it wasn't like you weren't the parents, but you did bring some consistency and stability in a modeling way. Right. No, I appreciate that.

And, you know, there's obviously the 10 year age gap. I think that matters too because there's a piece of it where it's almost like I had had, by the time we were talking as adults, maybe you were like a very young adult and I was like an adult. I had a conceptualization of everything already. So I could kind of give you like the handbook in some ways. Right. Versus, you know, like when I was a kid, I just thought when you're in a family, that's all you know. You're kind of in this bubble and you're just sort of like, oh, this is just how it is. This is how everyone's family is.

Yeah, like a fish in the fishbow. Right. And you don't realize it, which is why a lot of times, once you get older and you start dating seriously and you see how your partner's family runs and you see how your partner does things, you kind of look back and you're like, whoa, this is not the norm. So I think we were able to have the conversations about that, which one led you to being able to be very introspective and have deep interpersonal conversations. but it also gave you a little bit of a basis of comparison of like what's okay and what's not okay,

what's acceptable and what's not acceptable for you as an adult, I hope. No, definitely. And I think you become like role models in that way of like what should. I always thought about that growing up. Like I want to be like my big siblings. And so that I think that that sense, even if it wasn't intentional of like, you know, bringing over that normalcy. Like I do wonder what it would be like if it was never, if it was just the four.

It would probably, probably like all be institutionalized. So I think it's nice, even if I didn't get the direct access to the leave it to Beaver lifestyle. Yeah. And look, I'm not saying it's per. I don't want to make it. The wedding was pretty much perfect. Everything was great. There was no drama.

I'm not saying all of it is like that. So I don't want to paint that picture. But yeah, sometimes it does feel in comparison like what is that? this place. But let's get into our email because I think it's, you know, it all plays into our theme, which is connection and, you know, that kind of thing. Okay, now it's time for this week's overshare email the week brought to you by our favorite nail polish brand Essie.

For many of us, the world feels lonelier than ever. So Essie launched hands all in, a cause initiative to combat loneliness with the power of colors and connection. Fostering meaningful relationships is super important. important for your mental health. So today's email is all about healing from a breakup, conquering loneliness, and how to do it in a healthy way and combat those obsessive thoughts that sometimes come along with loneliness and breakups. So let's get into the email. Okay. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, thank you so much for this amazing podcast. You're both so insightful and lovely to listen to.

To jump into my issue, I'm a 28-year-old female and I was in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend for over four years. We broke up a little over a year ago without much closure, and I find myself grieving about it to this day. We were arguing a lot, and it felt very toxic. Now to present day, I text him almost every day impulsively saying things like, miss you,

or hope you're well, or I hope you don't hate me, and have yet to hear a response back. My texts do deliver, so it's not like he's blocked me. I'm self-aware enough to understand that this daily texting is a bit ridiculous and borderline crazy, but it more so stems from me feeling just brokenhearted and wanting to hear anything back. My therapist tries to set goals with me of not texting him until we meet again the

following week, but I have yet to do it successfully. What steps can you suggest in putting this crazy obsession to an end? I've tried blocking his number, but then quickly unblocked in hopes that I'll hear from him. I'm open to hearing your tough love. Thanks in advance. Sirley, I'm that crazy ex-girlfriend. Yeah, I think a lot of people, if they haven't actually been in this situation, they felt like being in this situation. What came to mind for me, and she's in therapy, so this is going to be, hopefully would be helpful for her, is a lot of times it's not really about the person. It's about what this person is withholding from her. So, you know, I kind of thought thinking about what could he say to you that would

make you feel better. What is the message that you're looking to hear from him? Is it, I miss you too? Yeah, I miss you too, which shows what? That he cared, that it was real. I think digging to the bottom of, she said they didn't have much closure. So I think there's something that's missing in terms of what, it's not about him, it's about her. What does she need? You know, that he, that the relationship was real, that she was loved by him, that she is worthy of love. And I think that. a lot of times if you dig in and she goes to her therapist and has this conversation where she can almost fantasize about what it is that she wants from him, I am willing to guess that there's probably some early attachment figure in her life, mother, father, sibling, friend,

someone that she needs the same thing from, that she needs the same message that she didn't somehow internalize in her childhood, some type of acceptance or, whatever it. She says, you know, it was toxic. So I don't think that it's the life that she had with him that she's looking for. I think it's something about herself that she wants to hear from him. And hopefully in therapy, she can figure out what that is and try to give it to herself. I do sometimes in therapy, I do like inner child work. I don't know if you're familiar with. I've heard of that. I haven't done it. But what is that, basically? So oftentimes once I get someone to the point where they've kind of figured out, this thing that I keep craving in romantic relationships, like you talked about, you always seek out anxious, you know, you're anxiously attached and you seek out people that hold you at a distance or you seek out these toxic relationships.

A lot of times you can boil it down to like a message, a sentence, you know, a few words of what you were missing from your attachment figures as a child. So I'll do, I'll go through a process with patients where I kind of get into a relaxed state. You go back. I have them oftentimes bring either a photo from that time in their life or a song from something sensory, like a visual, an auditory, a song that reminds them of that time period in life or even a scent sometimes. I don't know if anything. That scent is very, very connected to deep long-term memory.

It's like a, you know, instinctual animal thing, you know. So if you can almost put them back in that place and then you have them sort of envisioned their mature, you know, rational, loving, caring adult self, their self current, their present-day self, it's a visualization exercise. So their present-day self, soothing that child self and telling them the things that they want to hear can help you kind of integrate your mature adult self as a soothing figure that can soothe that inner child that was missing, whatever it was that they were missing. So instead of seeking it from your girlfriend or boyfriend or your parent, where you're probably never going to get it at this point

if you haven't gotten it by now, you can kind of do this visualization exercise to learn how to give it to yourself, whatever that missing thing is. You're almost your own parent. Yes. Like coddle yourself. Yes. Yes. Exactly. Exactly. And it could be really long lasting if you can learn to do that because you're not

constantly seeking it externally. You're able to sort of give it to yourself, which can feel really powerful after a while. Right. So let's say she does this and she's feeling a sense of like a loneliness goes back to her childhood. And to me, again, this seemed like sad because it seemed like, again, she does seem pretty lonely or she's missing this person as a way to fill that loneliness gap. So if this is her, let's say she's feeling, what does she do next? She's like, okay, I'm brought back to this period of

my childhood where I feel, I feel a loneliness. I feel like no one cares or. Totally. It's here. Yes. So she will do this visualization exercise. Oftentimes people will identify like a time and place. You know, my parents were fighting and I was alone up in my room and, you know, I was, like on my bed or whatever it was, a time and place. And what I would have her do is picture herself in that time and place sitting on her bed while her parents are fighting or her parents are out or whatever it was that was going on where she was feeling lonely and actually visualize her present day self, walking over to her child self, sitting on the bed and giving her whatever she was seeking

from her parent, a hug, a message of, you are not alone. you know, I'm here with you. You don't have to go through this by yourself. Some message that she would have wanted, like she would have wanted one of her parents to come upstairs, stop the fighting, say, I love you, I'm here, everything's going to be fine, and give her a hug. So you almost visualize that same thing happening. But instead of your parent walking in, it's your adult self walking in and giving that

to your child's self. So then is the idea that if you have that, from you do this exercise or do that you'll it'll make you less likely to want to text. Yeah. Yes. I think if you do it and you might have to do it a few times, I don't think it's a one shot and done thing, although I have seen very powerful effects from just one time of doing this in session.

But the idea is that you kind of can internalize that you are okay. Because what happens is when you're a small child and your attachment figures are not consistent or you don't feel safe with them or, you know, it really is kind of life or death. You know, if you're six or seven or eight, like you can't really go to the grocery store and get food. You don't know what, you know, how to get yourself ready for school and get, you know, it is life or death when you're that age. It's no longer life or death. Being alone is no longer life or death. But when you have had that experience as a child, your body perceives it as life or death. So in your memory, that's why the senses are really important. You have that sense

memory that attaches to this panic feeling of a life or death situation. So you almost have to retrain your brain in that way to realize that this is no longer life or death as an adult. It felt like that as a child. But being alone is no longer that way as an adult. I'm sure she has friends. I'm sure she has other people that she can go to, family, or even just being able to tolerate being alone with herself and having it feel less like a life or death situation as it did when she was a child. Well, that's a great, I think that's a great way to internalize like why she's doing it and probably help her like rethink what she's getting out of these texts because to me it's also kind

of like, I can imagine if I were doing that. I think we've all felt the urge whether or not we've done this text, our exes a lot, but those things, we've all felt the urge, right? And it's like, what does she need in that moment? and who else can she text to get that? Because I do think if you can't fully stop yourself cold turkey of like texting that person, I think I've found this when wanting to reach out to someone. Maybe I'll text.

I would text a friend and say, I really want to reach out to this person because I feel really lonely and I just feel really bad and I miss this. And then sometimes it's nice to have someone because usually if you don't answer, someone doesn't answer, you feel worse. Right. It has like the opposite effect. Like you send it and you feel maybe a little good.

and then they don't answer and you're like, I'm now taking like a deep dive. Totally. Imagining all the reasons they don't answer. Totally. Thinking like terrible things about myself because they haven't answered. Like I'm, you know,

I'm unworthy or I'm a loser or whatever it is. Right. So I think if you can text someone who actually you do have a great relationship with that does love you, that does care and say this is what I wanted to do, the person can usually like talk you out of it or give you a sense of maybe fill that gap for you that you're hoping to get from sending this message.

Totally. And that strategy makes me think about how, and this is research-based, this is biology, that there's like an addiction component here. So almost what you're talking about sounds like, you know, in a recovery program, you have a sponsor. So instead of going to the bar, you call your sponsor and say, I really feel like going to the bar. Instead of calling your drug dealer, you call your sponsor and say, I really feel like calling this

person. know, getting my stuff, whatever it is. So I think in some ways having a friend that you have, even if you, I would set it up even beforehand, like someone who's going to sort of be your sponsor that can be there to redirect. It's almost like having Suboxin for heroin problem. And the biology is very similar. When you are in these stages of either falling in love or breaking up, the reactions in your brain are very similar to the reactions when you're dealing with a drug withdrawal. So dealing with it in a similar way might not be so bad. So calling your friend, instead of calling the guy, you might not get the major dopamine hit that you would get from

he responded. If he responded, but you're going to get just enough soothing and just enough of the oxytocin, which is something else we're looking for. That's like the bonding chemical in our bodies. So you might get just enough to like take the edge off, but not so much that you're like craving it more and more and more. So I think the idea of calling a friend and having that sponsor to kind of like take the edge off, I think is a great suggestion. Agreed. And then what if you're like, it's funny because like I haven't done this compulsive behavior,

but I have done like compulsive social media stalking. Oh, the worst. That's, yes. I have a feeling if I, she didn't mention it, but I have a feeling she's still looking at him and his stuff on social media. If I had to guess. It sounds like these would correlate. Well, together.

Yes. Right. I get it. It's so, so hard. But that is the number. So I'm that crazy ex-girlfriend. If you're out, if you're listening to this response, the number one suggestion is to stop looking at his social media, if you are or his friend's social media or anything that

has anything to do with them. Block everyone. Yes. Don't worry about what they think about you or what they're going to say about you. This is your mental health. You've been dealing with this for a long time. Like, just do it. because I think I've said this to you in the past with these situations.

Like going through a breakup is like having a bunch of sand and water in a jar. And like when the breakup happens, it's like all shaken up and it's all floating around like crazy and you can't separate the sand from the water. And if you just leave it on the counter for a period of time, the sand will settle to the bottom and everything will kind of settle in your brain in the same way. but every time, even if you see a friend of his posting something. And then you're pause and then you're screenshoting it to zoom in and see. Yes.

Is that him in the background? Who's that girl? I wonder if he's there. It just starts stirring up everything in your brain. It's like taking that jar and just wiggling it a little and you shake up all the sand. And now you have to wait another three days for everything to settle to the bottom again. So even his friend, anything that has to do with him, his sister, his parents, whatever imagery. that you're going to have about him and be able to stir up a whole story in your mind

is going to make this recovery period last so much longer. Yeah. I compare it to like picking it like a pimple or like a womb. Yeah. It just prolongs the whole thing and irritates it and makes it harder and you kind of have to go. Then you're taking like a step back. I've done this compulsively because I have also felt that loneliness of a breakup.

That biggest fear is that they would know that. So like I just stalked. them from afar. Totally. And to hope they don't know, you know, try to pretend like I don't care, which is probably another thing to look at for my childhood. But yeah, it's funny because every time you do that for some reason in your brain, and I do it. Sometimes you like refresh like multiple times and like the same sitting, like hoping to see something else. But it's like, what is the only thing? The best thing that you could see is nothing. Like neutrality is the best possible outcome. Right. He's not going to write a post since I miss my ex-girlfriend so badly. I wish

you would take me back. Right. That's never happening. You'd never see something that would be like make you feel good. Right. And the best thing you would see is nothing. And the worst thing you can see just box up your whole week. Yeah. So totally. It's really lose, lose. And then like you said, you've just, you've just now keep reinserting them in your brain so that it's a comfortable thing. And yeah, it's hard. I mean, the only. only way that I stopped doing that really, I guess, was like to try to live a life that was fuller where I almost like didn't have time. But I think you're a way of what are the feelings that I'm feeling when I'm doing this? What are the feelings that I'm looking for? What am I

hoping to see what it's like? And if you ask yourself that, it's always like nothing good. But like, yeah, maybe I'm looking for a feeling of distraction or a feeling of, I don't know, like when you stop next, what are you looking for? You're looking for something that would make you feel. better or validated. Maybe it's like a validation thing. Right. Like they're doing poorly. Maybe I don't Yeah, they're they were better off with me or they, you know, they're never going to find someone like me or something about proving to yourself that it really was their fault. Like I think a lot of times there's like a thing in the end about guilt over whose fault the breakup was and everyone, you know, you want to think that it wasn't you, that it was them. So if they're not doing well, then you can

prove to yourself that it really was something that they did wrong and not something that you did wrong. So I think there's something to be explored there. If that's something that's keeping you stuck, like what if you did do something wrong? Okay. You did. You know, like forgiving yourself perhaps might be a part of this too. The emailer also says like, I hope you don't hate me is something she texts him right there too. Yeah. So there's probably explore that like. Right. Exactly. And I think she might have to forgive herself for some things and own up to some things that maybe she did that she isn't proud of. And okay, you know, you can sort of move on, you know, move on from forgive yourself and move on. You weren't perfect. He wasn't perfect. It didn't work out.

Maybe some actionable steps might be helpful here in terms of like what. So there's like, she's in therapy. I think a lot of this deeper work is probably what would be helpful in terms of what's keeping her stuck. But until she gets there, staying away from social media, Yeah. And I think, and blocking everyone involved with that person. Yes, would be is very, very helpful. I think that there's, you know, there's a lot of brain chemistry stuff going on here, which I think could be helped by the social media thing in terms of not like churning up all those, you know, neurotransmitters that are creating stress and seeking and, you know, pleasure seeking and all that kind of thing. But you can replace it if she's getting into a healthy lifestyle, exercising can replace and, you know, kind of help blend some of those really negative, obsessive neurotransmitters that are happening. If she can get some endorphins pumping and do some exercise and distraction is good, you know, you feel and then you put your feelings back and then you distract, you know, so I think there is a place for distraction and, you know, finding something to take her mind of this.

It's going to make her feel better about herself, whether it's exercise or a new hobby or something like that, I think some of that can definitely be helpful. And look, if it's been a year and she's in therapy and she's still having these obsessive thoughts, and I think we're going to talk about this a little bit later in the episode, sometimes there is a place for a short-term medication management of obsessive thoughts. Under the guidance of her therapist and a psychiatrist, if she's really having a hard time getting out from underneath obsessive thinking, that's something that could be really helpful and could help, you know, obviously long term, but also short term, just to kind of get your brain unstuck, get you into a healthy lifestyle where you have the space

and the energy to exercise and make new friends and create a life that's, you know, working for you and then step back from it if that's what you choose to do. Yeah. I think that's a lot, that's a very helpful option that a lot of people don't even think of because they're like, they don't think of it as something maybe like it feels a little hormonal or it feels like a little bit of an imbalance. But if it has been a while, I think that those things can usually only help again under like the watch of a doctor or someone that obviously is like helping you to get on or get on. It doesn't have to be permanent. But there are things that can help you get through certain phases of life.

Yeah. And sometimes it's not about him. It's not about the guy. Maybe there is a chemical imbalance that's creating obsessive thoughts in your mind. And it's, you think it's all about this guy and this breakup. but maybe if it wasn't about him, it would be about work or it would be about your health or it would be about something else. Yeah.

And now it's almost like, for her, it seems like it's so comfortable to do this almost. Like, do you know what I mean? She doesn't even think of it. And that's the thing with social media stalking to become like, okay, like, I wake up, I get on and, like, you know, I have my coffee and then I like check my ex-boyfriend's page. And then I like check this person's page. Like, it seems it's part of your routine, which is like the sad, because I think

most people will not admit that, but I think that's part of a lot of people's. Yes, routine of how they go about their day. And it just feels so natural, but it doesn't mean it's that it's helping you. And so I agree with you, like replacing the habit with a better or healthier habit, making yourself unable to do that habit. And again, if you're really feeling the urge, I do think it's nice to have a friend that you can text and say, I really want to do this like, or even if you don't even, if you don't feel comfortable doing that, you could just say, like if you're feeling really lonely, you could just text instead of texting this person, your ex, you could text your friends.

Do you want to get coffee? Yes. And at least that's, you know, another go back to the people that make you feel good, that make you feel happy, that make you feel loved and sort of like bask in that when you're feeling the urge to sort of do something that you know logically. And that's the issue with these things because like logically she knows she's not really helping herself by doing this. Right.

And I think sometimes with cravings, you can, and this works for like food stuff too or, you know, you can say to yourself, I'm not going to do this now, but if I still want to do it later, I'll do it. So you kind of are not telling yourself like, I'm never going to look ever again, but you're just like, I'm just not going to look now. If in an hour, I still want to look, then I'm going to give myself permission to look. And maybe by the time that hour rolls around, you've done some exercise, you've changed your. biochemistry, you take a cold shower, warm shower, whatever works for you. You know, you do something that changes it up and then you get to that hour later and you say, you know what, I don't need to do this anymore. Like get past that initial impulse. Totally. You know, it's so funny too. I do that. Sometimes if I'm like in a texting situation and someone is really irritating me or like I'm angry at someone, I'll write that like text of everything that I'm feeling sort of like wanting to yell at them. and then I say like, okay, this, I read it. And I'm like, this is a little harsh, but I feel like sending it.

Right. But I'm like, you can always send the text. You can never unsend the text is the thing with that. And it's in writing. So I'm kind of like, all right, this person is really irritating me. I'm going to take this text. I'm going to leave it. And then I'm going to come back, like you said, in an hour or maybe tomorrow,

depending on when it is. Totally. And I'm going to say, if tomorrow, I still feel like this text is like accurate and necessary and whatever, I'll send it. And then usually by tomorrow, I either don't care enough to send it or I can edit it to make it a little bit more relaxed and less like load it. Totally. So that's the other piece. I'm glad you brought it up in terms of like when she has the urge, there's probably physical sensation in her body, some discomfort, something that's showing her like I'm having a craving and she's having a craving, just like anything else. So whatever,

if she can like identify the physical sensations of that craving and kind of watch the craving as it moves through her body like we talk about with anxiety like we talk about with feelings of sadness or feelings of anxiousness watch the sensation of craving see where it is in your body set a timer on your phone for 20 minutes and just watch it and watch it move through and once it moves through and you're no longer so physically activated it's much easier to resist the urge when you're not physically activated, like you have butterflies in your stomach or you have a lump in your throat or you just have, there's something going on in your body that sent a signal to your brain, pull out your phone, and send the text. There's, that's not just happening for no reason.

There's some chemicals that are flowing through your body that then create sensations in your stomach and your muscles and you're, you know, all throughout your body and that signals your brain, do something about this. This doesn't feel good. Change it. How do I change it? Maybe I'll change it if I text him and he responds. That might be one way to change it. The other way to change it is to just wait patiently and it will go away by itself. That's obviously the hardest part.

But if you can train yourself to do that, you're sort of like you talked about this routine that you get into, you can like undo the routine a little bit. Right. Where the second you feel it, you jump and you send the text and said the second I feel it, I set a timer on my phone, I relax, I chill, I wait, you know. change it up. And then I would say like nine times out of 10, you don't really want to do it when that feeling has passed. Right. Or you can take the second option. Okay, now I can text a friend instead or now I can do something else. Yeah, totally. Agreed. All right. I think that we helped this person.

I hope so. This is super common. I feel like most people have experienced this. Even people experience this with friendships. Like if someone's mad at you and, you know, they're not answering and you want to text them a million times to try to get whatever it is that you want to make. feel better. So I mean, yeah, who hasn't gotten a text from someone or sent a text to someone where you're just, it's all, it's all blue. So you know what I mean? It's all you speaking and they just like, give it a second.

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to find out more. Let's get into our fetchesist email. Yeah, let's do this. I'll read it. Hey, Dr. Dredana and Dr. Bernstein. Love the podcast, first time writing in and wanted to get your thoughts on my situation. I'm in my early 30s and still single. I'm on the dating apps, but you know how that goes. I'm at a point of my life where all my friends are getting married or having babies, which is great for them. For me, that means shelling out a lot of money on bridal shower gifts, wedding gifts, bachelor's parties, and baby showers. I'm confident in who I am, and for as long as I can remember, I've never wanted a wedding. I'm not a very girly girl. I don't wear dresses a lot. I don't like being the center of attention and would much rather just get married at a

courthouse and then throw a party for friends and family. I also am very confident that I don't want to have kids. Dogs only please. You might remember the episode from Sex and the City where Carrie's shoes get stolen from a baby shower where she's forced to leave them at the door, and the mom single shames her for not having the same priorities as her. Carrie then goes on a rant about how the single girl doesn't get anything. No gifts at bridal showers or weddings and no baby showers for me. My question for y'all is, is there a point where I can opt out of spending so much on my friends knowing that there won't be an opportunity for them to reciprocate? I know friendship shouldn't sound transactional, but these events really start to add up emotionally and financially.

Sincerely, only a dog mom. I like this question. Me too. I also think it reveals like the outdated nature of like the things that women are celebrated for exclusively. Totally. Like it does kind of suck that like the only things that you like are having parties for or celebrating or really a societally or friendship wise like acknowledged are like engagements

and weddings and babies and things like that when like it's 2022 like so many more things that women are doing than those things like no one's ever like here's a gift because you got a new job or here's a gift because you got promoted or here's a thing because like I don't know whatever personal life situation you've had a doggy gift for a new getting a new puppy or you know yeah something like that like that's I mean I guess you could it'd be nice if someone did that but it's not expected or like inherently associated in the way that all things wedding, baby shower or whatever is. Totally. I could see if you were opting out of that thing where you'd be like, it does seem unfair

that I'm expected to do all of these things continuously and like constant gifts and and celebrations, outward celebrations of these other life moments when there's no inherent celebration for anything that I'm doing. Right. So many things. So many. I mean, we could engagement, there's a gift. There's a bridal shower. There's a bachelor's party. I mean, then there's the actual wedding. Then there's a baby shower.

Right. It's so, so many things. And then if you're in the wedding, there's like the dresses. There's just so many things that, I mean, I don't think we're going to change all of society on this one email, but I kind of would like to. Like, I would love it if there was just a little bit less celebration. of getting partnered and a little bit more celebration of like just other life accomplishments. Like you're getting a new job, you know, moving into a new house. It's like people do that sometimes

if you move or, you know, but that's not it's not the same expectation, you know, that you buy someone a housewarming gift as you do. Not at all. And if it is a celebration, it's much smaller in scale and seems much less necessary. Like no one's like, did you get her like the new job gift? right what are you what are you giving for the new job for right what are we all going to get for her she just got a new job or a promotion there's so many opportunities really that are just missed for people that this is not you know either they're they're not finding their person or they don't want to get married or they don't want to have kids so yeah i really feel for this writer the hard part is right interestingly enough and we always talk about communication and you and i are both so

aware that this is a reasonable thing for this person to be feeling, but how awkward would it be if she brought this up to her friends? Probably awkward, because I can imagine it being awkward. I'd be like, you don't have to get me a gift. That would be like, I think I would be like defensive in that way, probably. But I can understand, yeah, I can understand how weird that would be to be communicative. But you could also throw your own like life event. If you, wanted to also. Like I know it's not traditional, but like, why not be able to do that? Like, I have a friend who recently celebrated like a year of sobriety and she invited everyone to her apartment and we all like, you know what I mean? I had mocktails and had a great time. And I think that

doing that stuff for yourself is like kind of great. I was like, this is awesome. And we got her gift. And it was like, you know what I mean? I think it's just like, and I was thinking about that when we were doing that. I was like, it's so great that like there's like, because we wouldn't necessarily inherently think to do that. but the person is stated by doing that sort of thing for something that you're, some accomplishment that you have, you're stating like, this is a big deal in my life.

This is, this is something I want celebrated. Totally. So I thought it was great that she did that. And I think that like, like let's say she does get a new dog, right? Like she could say I'm having a,

I'm having a party to have, meet my new dog, right. Yeah, I'm having a party like I'm introducing my new dog instead of a baby shower. I'm having a doctor. And some people would be like that stupid, but like, it's kind of not about that. It's about like, this is a meaningful thing that I'm doing that I would

like my friends to celebrate with me for. And that's what a wedding is. It's more of like a societally ingrained thing. But all that, like, you're throwing yourself a party for meeting the love of your life. Like, why can't you decide to do that with anything that's meaningful to you that you accomplish? And I think that any of your friends that think that it's stupid are not really being considerate of what you're going through in your stage of life or your choices in life. So if somebody's like, they've got to realize, okay, maybe you're not married or you're not interested in marriage or maybe you've told them I don't want to have kids. So they would hopefully be understanding of like this is your version of that. For this person, it sounds like she really

doesn't, like she said, she doesn't want to be the center of attention. She doesn't really want any of that. I think having some friends over for like a come meet my new dog party isn't the being the center of attention, so maybe she could do something like that. It's just weird because there's a part of me that really would love to have, to see her have some introspective conversation with her friends about this. Like, I had a friend when I was in my late 20s, early 30s, where every, it was like that phase where everyone was getting married and she wasn't getting married. And she didn't say anything about it, like her feelings of, I think she felt exactly the way that this writer felt but she didn't say anything.

And it just ended up kind of being the demise of our friendship because I think she just got kind of resentful and annoyed and she stopped sort of being happy for everybody. And it was sad. And I, you know, she was a good friend. And I think because of the lack of communication, I hope that I would have been mature enough at that age to have been able to put myself in her shoes. I'm not 100% sure. So there's a part of me that, like, wishes that there could be.

some real conversation, but that would be, like you said, it would be really hard to do. Well, it would feel like you weren't happy for the person. And then it would feel like, oh, you're taking away. I can understand not wanting to say that to someone because you're like, oh, I'm not going to like take away from like your celebration of a moment that does feel meaningful to you to tell you like to make it about me, especially with weddings. Like you're so caught up and like this is your special moment. Like you wouldn't want to like take away from the other person's special moment by making it about your or like making it a downer feeling or a feeling of like you know being it's funny that movie bridesmaids from like 10 years ago 20 years whatever however long it was ago i feel like it's

like the perfect sort of incarnation of that feeling totally you know where she's she's like single and she's like struggling with her job and then her brain gets engaged and she now is like a bridesmaid has to like do all this shit to celebrate i don't know such a funny movie and a good movie and she's seeing that guy treats her terribly it's funny it's funny it's funny it's funny it's to watch that because when I came out when that movie came out I was like in college and it was really funny but now I'm like this is very real now you actually went through that phase of life totally totally but I also think like in terms of the gifts I can see why she'd be like this is all breaking up and that's like annoying and and she's like I'm kind of like mentally annoyed about it but I'm also like my financially yes is very irritating so I but I do think that if she thinks about it as like I owe this person a gift it's going to be annoying every time. And if she thinks more about it as like, okay,

this isn't necessarily what I would want because I don't like to be this undervention. I don't want kids. I don't want any of this stuff. But that doesn't matter as much as what it means to them. So if it's meaningful to them, it's about like in the same way that you would not want a party

because that's not meaningful to you or you would be kind of like against a celebration of you in that way. Having a friendship is not the fact that we all want to be celebrated in the same way. It's about respecting the other person feelings about what does make them happy. And again, if you don't want to do it financially,

you could do it in a more thoughtful, you can make a more thoughtful, less expensive gift. You know, you could give someone, I think all that matters from having a wedding. I don't remember how much anyone gave to me. I remember like the thoughtfulness of like the card they wrote. Or, you know, if someone wanted to spend less money, they could get you like,

maybe you could get you a framed picture of the two of you and write a nice note about how happy you are for them. I think if you think about it in that way, it doesn't have to be all about the money. And it could just be about, here's an opportunity for me to connect with my friend over something that they are very excited about in their own lives, that even if it's not what I would want, I'm happy for them. 100%. And I think that that's what she needs to find her way out of is to find her way out of being resentful and annoyed and find it, you know, find a way to say, okay, I'm happy for you. I want this to be an opportunity. for connection. And I totally agree. It doesn't have to be financial. And if your friends are going to get upset with you or angry with you because you gave them a, you know, a $20 frame versus, you know, a big check, then that's on them. But I think if you can find a way to say, this is important to them,

I'm going to connect with them in the way that they are asking for connection and appreciation. But then you owe it to yourself to do the same thing for yourself. So, you know, throw yourself the party or send out, you know, something that says what you're up to and so that your friends can celebrate you in the way that you want to be celebrated or that you want to be shown appreciation for who you are. But yeah, I agree with, you don't have to spend a lot of money, but use it as an opportunity to show connection. But the only way that she's going to be able to do that is if she doesn't feel resentful. So I think caring for herself is going to make her feel less resentful and not feeling obligated to be spending huge amounts of money on all this

stuff is also going to make her feel less resentful. Totally. And then she can really foster the relationships in the right way. I do think maybe not in direct correlation to receiving a wedding invite or receiving a bridal shower invite, but maybe at a regular hangout, when everyone's just hanging out, having a couple of drinks, you could bring up this general feeling that you're having. And I hope that some of your friends, if you bring it up in a way that's just like,

I just want to share like my perspective, you know, all of you guys are partnered up and getting married and doing all these things. And like I think I've mentioned that that's not something that I'm really looking to do. And sometimes I feel a little jealous that like there's no celebrations for people that are single and are not starting families or not intending to start families. just put it out there as like a vulnerable feeling that you're having. Like I'm feeling jealous or I'm feeling, you know, whatever that feeling is and just make them aware because I think sometimes people are

so wrapped up in their own life and their own world and their wedding and their meeting and they're, you know, it's just like, it's like this tidal wave that kind of takes over. Even a lot of people just kind of get swept up in it that might not even want it because their mother-in-law is like, oh, I'm throwing your bridal shower. So people are just like kind of swept up in this whole thing. And sometimes it would be nice to get a little beat on the ground and say, hey, not everybody's in this world, not in an antagonistic way, but just like in a hangout sharing vulnerable way to express how you feel and that maybe you just do feel a little bit jealous or you wish that, you know, society would be more geared towards celebrating things. Totally. Family, starting family. And then you know what, like the next time you have a bigger life a moment, whatever that means in your life, new dog, new life.

your friends will probably remember that conversation and feel more like inclined to think about it in that way and think about it as something that's meaningful for you to celebrate. And I would think about it because she said she doesn't like to be a sense of attention. How do you like to be? How do you feel valued? Like I think that's a and everyone I think different things make different people feel valued and special and loved by their friends. And I think if she wants to put a little time thinking into like what does make me feel good in those moments. and then fostering or verbalizing that to people, that's going to be something you're going to have for the rest of your life and know about yourself. And then if you tell people that's how you like to feel special, they'll do that. Yeah, you can't. I mean, I get where she's coming from, but if you don't communicate what you want, you can't expect people to just give it to you, especially when they're wrapped up in this whirlwind, societally pushed whirlwind of celebration of marriage and family. So sometimes people need a little slap out of that too. Yeah. And I don't think the solution is like, I'm going to give less gifts. Right. Right. That doesn't make you feel more connected to people.

It's like doing that person. Okay, let's play triggered. Do you want to read the first one? My in-laws always send happy birthday to each other via our group chat, which consists of my mother-in-law, father-in-law, their four sons, one of which is my husband and their sons, wives, significant others. For the past two years on my birthday, my mother-in-law sends a happy birthday text along with one very unflattering picture of me from high school when I was clearly in a finding-myself phase. Ugh. Disclaimer, I did not meet her son until college, so she obviously found this picture deep on my old Facebook, which has been deleted for multiple years now. On my sister-in-law's birthday, she sends the usual happy birthday text with multiple cute pictures of her. Should I be triggered?

P.S. I tried to respond in a polite way that clearly showed how much I did not appreciate the picture. I guess we'll see if she sends it again next year. And she includes the picture. Yeah, this is not the, I mean, I don't know what she looks like regularly, but she has like very intense blue eye shadow and some very, some sort of design on her face, like face something. Right, like a face paint kind of situation. Yeah, this is super weird. Yeah. Especially because of the way that she got it that she like dug.

It's not even a picture that she has that she took. Yeah. What is that? I kind of agree. I think it's like, and again, I don't know there. Maybe she's like a really funny person or like the person who's writing in is pretty funny. And it's kind of just like she would appreciate this picture, which is so funny.

Like that's all left. I think because the mom had nothing to do with the picture and she found the picture. It's more, much more, like you said, it's much more triggering. Right. Because it's almost like you're trying to find a picture to make fun of her. Yes. Yes. I think that's what it, it sounds like, and honestly, I would say, like you always say, most of the time when people are doing this, it's not a reflection of you. It's just kind of like the way that they are and you're not the only person that they're doing this to, although she says that her other sister-in-law, she sends like a bunch of super cute, like normal pictures. Right. So, um,

I think maybe she just finds this picture really funny and just, like, wants to keep revisiting it. I think it would really depend on how she acts outside of this with me. If this is the only thing, I think I'd probably let it go. Yeah. If this is one of many things where she feels like she's always making fun of her or she's always saying kind of like mean things to her, then I think you could bring it up as a way to open up that larger conversation. But I wouldn't take it too personally. but I think that's fine that she said something. I think it's great that she said in a polite way,

like, please never send that picture out again or whatever she said. Yeah. If she keeps using it after that, then I think that's clearly an intentional thing. Right. I would give this like a six or a seven. If she does it again next year, I'm going to bump it up to a nine.

Yeah, I guess I think if she had sent an unflattering picture that she took, I would give it like a four, but because she went and found it, I would give it a six. Yeah, I agree with that. that. All right, should we do another one? I'm getting married in about 60 days and my dad

informed me that he does not want to take any family photos with him and my mother in the same photo. My parents are very divorced. Very divorced. And I only have ever gotten them in the same room for graduations. My father is remarried to a family I am not close to and I really wanted just one full-blooded family photo, no half or step siblings and or parents involved. Should I be triggered, any recommendations on how to approach the subject and change his mind? Sincerely, a child of divorce, Betch. All right.

This is interesting. Probably hits home. Yeah, for sure. We're both taking a moment to absorb. To get over the, the trauma of the, of memories of parents and pictures and picture taking.

Yeah, you know, I think that this brings up the, for me, like why does she want this full-blooded family photo? I think there might be, you know,

sort of a fantasy still going on for her, and I'm not judging. I do think that at any age, it's really hard sometimes to fully accept the divorce of your parents and that you're never going to have that. You can take the photo, right? You can force your dad into taking the photo, but what is that photo really a representation of? It's a representation of you forcing your dad to take that photo. It's not real. Right. So you can like pretend that you were all in the same room and some happy manner. So she wants advice on how to change his mind. I would, you know, urge you to kind of reconsider your reasons for wanting this photo.

So I don't know. I think the dad might be trying to protect himself against doing something that might be worse than him saying no to the photo. Like getting involved? No, I don't mean like that they would get back together or anything. No, I mean like getting in like in a fight or something. Yeah, like getting in a fight or like, you know, getting in a bad mood so that, you know, if he's forced to do this so that it kind of ruins the day, like he might be setting a boundary for himself that feels like what he wants to do. Look, I get that you want it and I totally get that you want that. Right. But if they haven't even been, it says something about like they haven't even been in the same room for graduations, you know, snuggling up for a photo seems like a big stretch. Yeah. I mean, I think in an ideal world, your parents who love you and would want you to be happy and be self-sacrificing

would be okay with just doing something that took not a long time if it would make you happy. That's in an ideal world, obviously. And it is literally like five seconds. Get together, snap the pick, separate. So I do think it's sad. I could see why it's sad for her that he won't do it. It just feels like you're choosing your, my discomfort over yours or you're not, you're choosing to not to do something even though you.

know it would mean a lot to me. And I can understand that's very disappointing. I would be disappointed. And I agree with you about like the, the fantasy of, you know, I go to all these weddings and the parents are there giving away their daughter. And it's just such a, you know, it's a moment where you're kind of like, I wish I had this function, a functional family instead of what feels like a dysfunction. And weddings are a lot about idealism. And this is the way I, I would like things to be. even if they are not like that. But I agree. A picture with them together is,

what are you going to hang that? Just knowing that you're not going to feel good about it, even if he did wind up doing it, knowing that these two people are not, it's not a real situation. And it's unfortunate, but there's not much you can do about it. But I could see why that would be,

I think it's more upsetting that he's refusing to do it than the fact that she's not going to have the picture. Because on my wedding, that's like all I wanted was to just have like some, sense of especially thinking about my childhood, the idea that, like, I didn't have parents who were willing to sacrifice their own feelings of unhappiness or discomfort for me to not feel those feelings. And the wedding to me was just a further reflection of that, which is like a disappointing thing

to have to think about on your wedding. So I feel for her, but I agree there's not much that can be done. And to save yourself the irritation, I would just let it go. but I'd give it like, I'd give it like a six or seven. Yeah, I agree. I do think that this is triggering. And I think it's triggering. And if we take triggering as far as like what we initially meant by this when we started

this podcast, it's extremely triggering. Because I think it's really about, you know, what you said, the idea of like not having the family that you wish that you had. And it's kind of a way to like a last ditch grasping attempt at having that. To a reminder of that. Yeah. On a very important day. Yes, exactly.

So I think this is the. definition of triggering because it's like, you know, the nail in the coffin of like not even at your wedding is this going to happen. So it's like, you know, the end of any hope that you can have even a fantasy of, you know, your family back together. So yes, I do think this is triggering, but I don't think that that means that you can force your dad to do it because I think that may end up being worse and kind of pointless. I agree. Just put it in your pocket as a as a note on what your parents are like. Totally.

All right. Let's do one more. All right. Let's do it. Hi. Love your show. I have a triggered submission for you. I am newly engaged and my best friend's boyfriend is currently ring shopping.

She asked to try my ring on and while it's on her finger says, yeah, I'm going to need bigger than this. Oh my God. We live on different coasts and it was also the first time she was seeing my ring slash me since getting engaged. felt weird, how triggered would you be? Thanks. It's a ring thing, betch. That's super triggering. I think that's like very, very triggering. First of all, okay, one thing to think that and then say that to your boyfriend after. It's quite a nut. It's just very rude to say that to the person whose finger it's on. Oh my gosh. Yeah. This is, this is super triggering. I don't know how you even continued

with the conversation after that. I would just be like, excuse. me, that's rude. That was so rude. If she's actually your friend, if any of my friends said that to me, I would say immediately that's rude. If they're like my actual friend. I would almost honestly think that they were like joking. Like that's how rude it was.

Like I would think that it's so big that they must be. Right. I mean, maybe that's what she meant. Maybe it was so big that she was joking because this is super rude. What do you give it? I would say that's pretty high.

Because I mean, part of the ring is like showing people the ring. Yeah. You know what I mean? You just say it's so beautiful. Yeah. Always say it's so beautiful.

Even if you can't even see it, always say it's so beautiful. Right. I'm going to need bigger than this. Oh my God. Yeah. If she, I mean, I would hope it was a joke. It sounds like it wasn't. But that's like a nine.

That's very triggering. Yeah. That was not. That was just so rude. I agree. I'm going to need bigger than this. It's like imagine walking into someone's house and saying that. Right. Yeah. Yeah, brutal. Thank you for sending that in. I hope we validated you.

That was awful. Very rude. Yeah. Not nice. Well, that's it for today's oversharing episode. This was fun. I enjoyed that. These triggers were great. We got a little photo. We got a totally absurd comment on the ring. Thank you, everybody for sending stuff in. We love it. But I think that's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morelas Pucco, and Rebecca Salis McHan. Editing by Missileo Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Friedlander. Send your advice emails to Oversharing at betches.com.

Leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.