Oversharing - How Unhealthy Is Social Media For Kids?

Episode Date: October 17, 2022

In this special crossover episode with Betches Moms and Oversharing, hosts Jordana Abraham and Dr Naomi Bernstein talk all about parenthood, changing social dynamics, and how long we should wait before exposing kids to social media. From TikTok to Instagram (and everything in between) Naomi shares her experience with setting boundaries, and they explore whether or not it’s a losing battle for parents. They also talk about how things have changed since this generation of parents were kids, and what the equivalent of social media used to be. Finally, they read a listener’s No Mom Guilt email all about putting your kids in organized sports. Are we living vicariously through our kids, or just trying to give them a chance to have the same experiences we had? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. Well, I'm not sure if this is Oversharing or Bredge's Moms, but either way, I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein.

And today we're doing a special crossover episode with the Betches Moms Vertical and Oversharing. If you're finding this episode via oversharing, then you know what the show is all about. But for our betches moms fans, I'll give you a little refresher. Naomi and I are sisters. And each week we dive into questions about all kinds of interpersonal relationships, sometimes friend related, sometimes family related. But today we're going to talk about a very important topic,

motherhood and your relationship with your children. I'm a mother of three, so I have a lot to say on this particular topic. Next week we'll be back with another episode to talk about my own pursuit of parenthood and as my husband, Mike and I are looking to become first-time parents. But today I want to talk about Dr. Naomi's experience. The today's episode also happens to be sponsored by our friends at Boston Children's Hospital. If you have kids, you definitely have questions, especially when it comes to their health. And the experts at Boston Children's Hospital have answers.

From sniffles to something a little more serious, Boston Children's is here to help. From primary care to the rarest of the rare and everything in between, Boston's Children's has an expert for your family. Thankfully, Boston's Children's has the experts on hand, because today we're speaking not necessarily as experts. Instead, I'm speaking as a mom. So this conversation is born about my experience and some of the challenges I've faced as a mother. Before we go much further, let's tell the audience like a little bit about my nieces and nephew or your kids. You can give a little meta background. Sure. So I have three kids. My oldest is 10. And then my next, I have two girls, 10 and 9, so they're only 18 months apart.

And then we waited a little while till we got our bearings on the two that were 18 months apart. And then we had a third who's four, almost five. So yeah, we've had our hands full. And it's as I, whenever I, we always talk about meditation. And whenever I do my meditations, I find and I witness my thoughts, I'd say 75 to 80 percent of, of them are about my kids. So once you go there, it's like they take up a lot of space in your mind. That's so interesting. I feel like 98% of my thoughts are about myself. So enjoy that. Going to be a big shift. Totally. What do I want for dinner? How well? Right. Totally. How do I feel right now? And mine is like, okay, how am I going to get my middle one to eat some protein? And how am I going to get my older one to like,

you know, whatever. So it's, it really does change the whole conversation that happens between your own two years once you have kids. And I'm not necessarily, I think it's great to try to find your way back to finding that focus on yourself after you have kids. Yeah, that'll be a nice little perspective change. But I think it's, I mean, to talk about Boston Children's Hospital, I feel like it's so interesting to see parents and I don't have kids yet. But even like this weekend, we were together for our sister's wedding and little Brooksie, your son was like not, feeling well and he had his little like fever or he wasn't and I was like lying in bed and you could just see it almost like viscerally like affects you so I think you know we have our sponsor Boston

Children's Hospital I think it's such a good like resource to know there's somewhere if you have an issue that you can turn for that kind of thing totally and that's the thing that the tough spot I think a big part of it about being a parent is sort of like when do I ask for help when do I deal with this myself. When is this an issue that's worth seeing someone about versus is this normal? Is this not? And I do think a lot of times just kind of trusting your instinct, like if this is taking up a lot of space in my mind, let me just go ask an expert and find out if this is something that I could use help with. And the best answer you could get is like, no big deal. This is fine. Every mom knows. you bring your kid in because they have a fever and they have a runny nose. And then the best answer

you can get is it's a virus. It's going to run its course. You know, obviously the fear is that it's something else, but you can always go in, you know, like you said, someplace like Boston Children's and just get that answer from an expert that says, this is either something we need to attend to or this is something that you can kind of let go. Right. And we talk about that all the time about things like, you know, what should you let occupy mental space? You can do it enough that once you know you've done everything in your control and you've like found all the resources you can within your control and then being able to like you said, meditate, let it go and do your own thing and just trust that you've done all that you can. So I think it's great to know about all the resources you have because

then you can be like secure in your own mind that you're doing everything that you possibly can for your kids. But I wanted to shift the topic a little bit because I feel like you have a lot of thoughts on this. And I mean, it's obviously such a bigger issue than when we were kids is like this idea of like technology and social media and screen time and like the effect that that has on young kids. I know you have like some personal views on it and like rules around it for your kids. So I was wondering what your like thought process was around that. Totally. It's funny because what I look at my kids and screens, I see such a parallel between adults and whatever their vices, like drinking or smoking weed or, you know, relationships, dating, sex. There's like this,

it really is an addiction. And even like for the two seconds, like even just on the plane on the way home, we landed and we had to wait a little while to get to the gate and I was sitting next to my daughter and I opened up Instagram and I start scrolling and she's looking. over my shoulder and I see, I could almost see the like dopamine receptors start to fire as she's like looking at just the five seconds of me looking at Instagram and her looking over my shoulder and I immediately closed it. I was like, hey, I don't need to be looking at this and I certainly don't need her to be looking and trying. So the other piece was my husband Jeff had posted a picture of her playing the drums at our sister's wedding. She played like a little bit of the drums and he posted

a video of her playing the drums. And she's like, I want to see the comments. I want to see the comments. I want to see the comments. And I was like, oh, gosh. And my kids don't have social media, you know, for that exact reason that I feel like it really just triggers a lot of that. Do you ever feel like you're kind of just like delaying the inevitable? Just in the sense that like one, you know, you're not going to be like 25 and you're not going to be like regulating their social media usage. But I think, I mean, I think it's nice. I'm just preposing with that, but I do wonder, it's like, she clearly has like the itch a little bit. Yeah, she does. And, you know, at some point, I think we're going to have to, I'll admit as a parent, and I know what you're saying. I think, and this is a lot of what I've learned in my 10 and a half years as a parent is you can't protect them from all this stuff. You just have to teach them how to deal with the stuff that comes along emotionally. So I'm admitting myself, you're right. I am just postpone.

owning the inevitable of all, like I'm trying to protect them from all the negative emotions that come along with social media. And I get what you're saying. At some point, I'm going to have to let them do it and then help teach them how to have moderation and how to, but right now, I'm just in this stage where I'm like, if I can protect them from that. And right now I can, I'm going to, you know. But I'm feeling devil's advocate against myself. I do feel like it's nice because these are the years their brains are like developing. Like they're at such a young, young age where they're probably be more impressionable now.

Like the older they get, once they get on it, they can, like the longer you shield them from it, it's less like ingrained in their system. They can maybe not be as involved in it as they're, you know,

going through adolescence, going through puberty. That's probably a much different kind of time. And I think at first I was like, maybe it's like junk food where, you know, sometimes the parents who are like absolutely no sugar in the house, they go to their friend's house and then they're like binging or they have like a weird relationship with food because it's always been restricted. And first I was thinking maybe it's kind of like that. But then I also,

I don't know that that's necessarily true because with social media, I feel like the older you are, the more mature you are, the probably like the better, you can be like a better consumer of it. So I don't think they're going to never be on it. I'm sure they will eventually have accounts on TikTok or Instagram or whatever it is. But I think that maybe by the time they do get on it, they'll have a little bit more of a like sense of, I don't know, being a smarter consumer of it than just like immediately indulging and like, I don't know, you would hope, I guess we'll see. Yeah, I think it has a lot to do with their formation of their identity. So you're really around like that age of like seven, eight, nine, you're starting to figure out, like, who am I? Who am I compared to other people?

And you don't realize, and I catch myself doing it all the time, as mindful as I try to be, like giving your children judgment on their identity. So getting social media involved is not just like me judging them. It's now opening them up to judgment by like all these random people, you know, like my husband's friend that he sat next to in seventh grade social studies is commenting about whether or not she's a good drummer. You know, so it's like you're, you're getting all of these like people that you don't even know that are making a judgment or a statement about you. And that just, I think, complicates things until, like you said, they get a little older and they have a better idea of their identity and who they are. Because there's

little, the littlest bits, the littlest seeds start to start to grow when they're young. So yeah, I think there's something to be said for giving them a little bit. a time without needing all of that commentary from the rest of the world. And I wonder, I mean, it's so interesting. I wonder what our lives would have been like if we had grown up with that. I think I was 18 when I got Facebook. Right. Because that was kind of when it was becoming popular.

And I remember getting on Facebook and discovering some people that were like a little weirder than I thought they were. Because I didn't really know your inner thoughts. And now I do. And I wish I didn't. Like the way that they would post. Because social media is not, like you said, it's not really an accurate necessarily depiction of who you are,

but it's almost more interesting that it's, it's you showing who you like want to be. Yes. Which is like almost the weirder version of it. It's like this is what you want to be seen as. Right. Almost more than this is who I am. Totally.

Which is so funny. Yeah. You know, so for me, and this is just my personal preference and I do think that there's a lot of bullying stuff that goes on as they get older, which that's just not good. There's no way around that. But as a parent, if you do decide to lean into social media,

you have to really be ready to have those conversations and teach them how to deal with it. But for me, as a parent, I'm going to avoid it as long as I can. I always say I wish that all the moms and parents out there would get together and just say, they're too young for this because there are a lot of kids in my kids class and they're in fourth and fifth grade that are on TikTok and Instagram and all this. and it almost creates sort of like a fomo. Yeah, FOMO, exactly.

So, you know, she'll come home and say, you know, they all know this dance. And so I was so of course me, I'm like trying to please, right? So I download TikTok and I'm like, all right, maybe they could just use it for dancing. So I'm like looking through the app and trying to figure out how I can filter out all of the videos and just make them like these wholesome dance videos. And within 10 seconds, I realize that that's not. an option on TikTok. So we just bought the Just Dance video game instead. Okay. Are they happy with that? Yeah, I think they're pretty happy with it. But they can't,

they're not sharing it with their friends at school. That's the thing. Like they're not, right. They don't know the dances. They don't know the songs. They don't, but they'll come home and say, oh, like they were doing an inappropriate dance or they were singing like inappropriate lyrics. And I think it's interesting. This is a conversation for another time. But, you know, the way that kids feel about like hypersexuality, you know, like when they're exposed to sexual references or sexual imagery at an age before they're ready for it, even if it's like a Super Bowl halftime show or if it's a friend, you know, doing a, you know, singing a TikTok song that has to do with sex that they're not ready for it makes them kind of uncomfortable, you know, so they'll come

home and say that. Right. I wonder if people said the same thing about like TV, though. When we were kids. In terms of what? Before that, in terms of, is it exposing you to, you know, inappropriate sexual, whatever? I mean, I guess there's ratings on TV. It was worse. Honestly, it was worse than. If you watch, like, I've watched 80s movies, like, from when I was young that are rated PG,

and it's, like, completely inappropriate, like, hypersexual stuff. Now I think they've made the ratings a little bit more strict. But yeah, I think so. I think that we were probably exposed to things. It's just, it's interesting as a parent now to watch my kids be exposed to like different sexual innuendo and kind of they have this conflict between the being like really intrigued and like wanting to see it and kind of like being really, really curious and also being uncomfortable at the same time, which I think kind of go hand in hand.

Well, I think it's very admirable. I feel like I would imagine it'd be like a lot easier for you as a parent to just be like, all right, here, like spend the next three hours on TikTok and like stop bothering me. Oh, totally. It would be, it would. I mean, there's other stuff we do, you know, video games and Minecraft, you know, and all these other kind of games that they like. But I really try to stay away from the stuff that is just like the whole world of internet.

Like there's, I mean, there's too much. And people can, right. It's almost like the world of like everyone judging each other based on like output, which is what a social media. Like it's like different than a video game. I think there's some video games where you can like talk to people. But I think this is very different from again, I'm projecting an image of myself before I even know who I am.

So for other people like you said to judge, I think is it's a different level. Yes. And comparing. A lot of comparing. Oh, she got how many likes. I got this many likes. Maybe if I show a little bit more. of my body, I'll get more likes. Maybe if I, you know, there's so much that goes into it that I just

like to protect them for as long as I can until I really at some point have to just do it. And then at that point, we'll have to have a lot of conversations about how it makes them feel. I'm sure they're going to be very excited for that. I just want to do the dance. I don't want to talk about how it makes me feel. I'm sure your kids get that a lot from you about various things. Oh my gosh, right. Yeah. Totally. A hundred percent. It's so funny. It's a good bar. It's like, do I want to do this enough that I'm willing to talk about how it makes me feel about. Exactly. It's like, I feel like how kids used to talk about like getting on birth or like teenagers talk about like getting on birth control and you'd have to have like the talk about it. You're going to being the child of a therapist is probably like everything is sort of like that. Yes. Yeah. Well, they learn how to process and verbalize even if what they're verbalizing is I don't want to talk.

about this at all. Right. I think this was a great discussion. I'm sure we'll do more on this in future episodes, but I do want to get to our no mom guilt segment. Yeah, that sounds great. I love no mom guilt. It's time for our no mom guilt brought to you by Boston Children's Hospital. Betches' moms is all about sharing the all too familiar feelings of mom guilt and in the process, letting yourself off the hook. There's nothing wrong with asking for help when it comes to the health of your child. So if you're looking for exceptional pediatric care look no further than Boston children's. Okay, Dr. Naomi, let's get into no mom guilt. Do you want to read our listener's submission? Sure, let's do it. I'm a huge fan of the Betches' mom's Instagram and was inspired by a recent

post about signing your kids up for organized sports. Hint, the punchline was the daughter saying, I won't be here for long. It reminded me of the repeated guilt I felt when trying to get my kids involved in sports like I was when I was a child. I loved. I loved organized sports as a kid. I played soccer and softball when I was younger and ended up doing soccer and volleyball all through middle school and high school. When my son was old enough, I signed him up for soccer. He hated it and complained all season. The next year we tried T-ball, same outcome. Both times I felt bad forcing him to try it, but I knew I'd regret it if I didn't give him the chance. Well, this past year, his little sister started soccer for the first time

and loved it. Lo and behold, he tells me that he wants to try soccer again, and to my surprise, he loved it too. Now I'm a full-blown soccer mom and have two children playing. When I think back on the first few years of trial and error, I still feel a little guilt over the tears and frustration, but after comparing notes with other moms, I realize that it's common for kids to struggle at first with organized activities, and I know that my heart was in the right place. Anyway, no mom guilt anymore for me, sincerely, orange slice, betch. Okay. So she's feeling not guilty about like, kind of having tried to force her son into t-ball and soccer yeah that's what i'm getting that's what it sounds like you know i i do think that this it's very common because it's like she loved it

she probably felt like whatever she played volleyball and and softball and soccer and she probably had all the feel goods from that so wanted to give that opportunity to her kids i think this is an example of perhaps this little itch to kind of live vicariously through her kids and kind of get all those feel goods by watching them have the same joy that she had. And sometimes it's great. And it sounds like for her in the end, it all kind of worked out that way where she's giving them the same thing that she had. But I do think trying it. And if they really didn't like it and they didn't come around to it, realizing that I'm not going to have this, there might be some disappointment in the idea of like, I'm not going to have the same experience. My child is not

going to have the same experience that I had and maybe feeling a little sad about that. Right. And I think it's, it's interesting the idea. I feel like people are so much more likely and there's probably a lot of psychology behind this. They want to do things like when it's their idea. Right. As opposed to feeling like it almost, you know, it's funny. I feel like when we took some many pictures this past weekend. We were at the wedding. It's like, what you tell all the kids when you want them to smile is like, don't smile.

Right. Like, or like, don't look at the camera. Right. And then they're like, you know what I mean? They want to feel like they're doing it because they want to do it. Not because they're being told. So I thought it was very interesting that her son was like more into it when it was like, oh, someone else is like into this, getting attention from this.

Yes. Now I am too. Yeah. And look, I agree with her. I think it's common that a lot of kids in the beginning, because only, a lot of times this leads me to one other point that I'd like to make in terms of parenting, which I've really learned along the way, which is that I think sometimes you try to do this stuff too early, where you're kind of like, okay, he's two, he's just two, I'm going to sign him up for

soccer. And he like can't even, you know, probably organize himself enough to just realize that he has to eat, you know, food, let alone, okay, I have to line up here. and these are the rules of the game, and I kind of have to steal the ball from people, but sometimes it's not okay to steal the ball from people, but sometimes you want me to steal the ball from people. It's like too many rules and too much for them to handle, but I think there's this parental, again,

coming from this mom guilt thing of if I don't give them this opportunity early in life, they're going to miss the boat, and what if they could have been a really good soccer player, and I waited too long, and now they're behind, and the other kids are better, and I didn't, you know, it was my fault that I didn't sign him up soon enough, So you're going to, I think moral of the story is she probably would have had the guilt either way. If she didn't sign him up, she would have felt guilty for not giving him the chance.

And if she does sign him up, she's going to feel guilty that she pushed him too hard. So I think ultimately just, I think she did fine. She tried it. If he hated it and she signed him up for another season and forced him to go through it and herself to have to go through fighting with him for every single practice and game, that would be a different story. but to give him one shot, I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. But I think that big picture piece of like just relaxing into the whole thing, just relaxing. Your kids are going to be okay. And this is what I tell a lot of my moms and tell myself over and over again.

If you love them and you teach them how to speak kindly and you treat them with respect and, you know, you basically listen to them, they're going to be okay, whether they do soccer or they don't, Whether they have a temper tantrum or they don't, they're going to be fine. Just love them, give them food, give them shelter, give them clothes, and they're going to grow into whoever they're supposed to grow into, whether it's a soccer player or a computer engineer. Well, when you say it like that, it sounds pretty easy. Yeah.

Well, it's not. I can do that. You know what? It really is. And I'm glad that they have this segment because, like, fighting the mom guilt is, like, fighting this urge to feel like you have so much power over the outcome of your children. Right. That's the biggest challenge in parenting.

Yeah. You're going to screw it up or you're going to make them, you know, a superstar. Yes. Yep. That's the hardest part. It's between your own two ears is the hardest part. Realizing I don't have as much control over the outcome of this little being as I wish that I did.

Right. I love that. And I think the listeners will appreciate that perspective as well. All right. Well, that's it for no mom guilt brought to you by Boston Children's Hospital. If you have kids, you definitely have questions, especially when it comes to their health. The experts at Boston Children's Hospital have answers. They've been ranked the number one hospital in the nation by U.S. News and World Report for nine years running.

With their comprehensive library of health information, answers to your biggest questions are within easy reach. We love what Boston Children's Hospital is doing for families. So we're thrilled to have them as a sponsor of the podcast. learn more at Bostonchildrens.org slash get dash answers. That's it for this crossover episode of oversharing in Betch's moms. If you're a fan of Betch's moms and you'd like this episode, come check out the Oversharing podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you're listening now. We have another full-length episode of oversharing coming out this week and we'll be doing another crossover with Betch's moms next week as well. We'll all be in the hot seat. Until then, you can follow at Betch's moms for more great content. All right. time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by

Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales Picoe, and Rebecca Salis McHan. Editing by Massillo Perez. Yes, booking by Alley Friedlander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.