Oversharing - I Can’t Afford Vacation With My Boyfriend’s Family

Episode Date: December 3, 2024

Today on Oversharing, Jordana and Dr. Naomi address listener feedback about previous episodes, including their post-election take, and Dr. Naomi shares her goal to avoid buying things during the holiday sales. Our Overshare comes from a Betch who misses the relationship she had with her ex’s children. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a listener who got roped into spending more money than she was comfortable with while on vacation with her boyfriend’s family. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for maintaining the peace with family members who make hurtful comments. And we’re feeling triggered by people passing judgement on baby name choices, and friends who try to get uninvited to a wedding. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your position or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. Great to be back.

We're recording this the Monday before Thanksgiving. It's weird. We don't spend, we never really spent Thanksgiving together. I don't think I've ever done Thanksgiving with you. Thanksgiving is for the dads. Yes. When we were kids, it was like our mom gets the Jewish holidays, and then she like sent you off to go do your thing for Thanksgiving with respective fathers.

So yeah, it is weird. Maybe one day we can, you know, fix that, do that. That would be fun. You're going to Mike's? I'm going to Mike's parents, yeah. All right. That'll be nice. Nice and food.

The food will be plentiful and the conversation will probably be pleasant. and then I think brings us to what we kind of wanted to open with today, which was like some listener feedback. And I don't even know, you don't like, I don't know if you read the reviews or you see any of the comments anywhere or get like, I guess you're not really on social so you don't get DMs. But people really disagreed with us about a couple things in the past few weeks. I'll start with a lighter one.

The lighter one was that people really disagreed that the person hosting the friends, Thanksgiving should not have to make the entree. Should have to make the entree. Right, right. They disagree. We said that she wasn't triggering that she offered to make the sides. And it was triggering that she offered to make the entree. And okay, fine.

We come from the same household. So like our experience level is the same on this. We have no varying thought process on like the etiquette of who should make the on. I don't think that was something that was ever instilled to us as children. Right. that salad and posting etiquette. Pigs in a blanket are not an appropriate like entree. Sure.

Fine. We'll take that criticism. I agree. I think I kind of said something like you're probably talking to the wrong two people about that particular etiquette issue. But yes, I am open to that feedback. We could have been wrong about that. But I think, you know, yeah, you don't want to show up to a friend's giving

and there's like no actual like meal being served. Right. I mean, we did say that it wasn't that like that there wasn't going to be an entree. We were just saying we were saying that it wasn't like her. It wasn't on her to find out. She didn't have to make the entree either. Yes. There was a, yeah.

And I kind of feel like, again, I don't think it's that. I don't know why it would be triggering. I think it could be like concerned that there won't be enough food. Maybe that's okay. But unless she was like, I'm not being bringing the entree, you bring the, like assigning the meal. I really don't feel like it should be that triggering. But fine. Some people more in the game of Friendsgiving etiquette.

I'm going to a Friendsgiving at my friend's house. I love Friendsgiving. And I'm excited. I actually don't really like Thanksgiving. So I'm much more into Friendsgiving personally. Ah, interesting. What's that? I have like, I mean, I have.

I have some, like, bad memories of Thanksgiving, I think, growing up. It was like, we went to our dads. there was like a lot of like chaos and fighting and I think the cops came once because like we were like my you know our younger younger me and like the other sisters were like getting physical with each other there was just like a lot of like chaotic energy and my dad never really had like a house so we kind of like just go to a restaurant and then go home and it just never really felt like those like classic Thanksgiving. Yeah you probably felt a little left out of the whole like stover's commercial where everyone's sitting around the table. Like, yeah.

Yeah. And I think it was just like, I don't know, that for some reason it reminds me of like the tensest years of like parents' divorce and all that stuff. So I also don't love Thanksgiving food, just throwing it out there. Like not huge stuffing turkey person. Some people love it. I respect that.

But yeah, I don't know. I could see that. I'm sure there's people out there that can relate. I mean, holidays in general, this is topic for another time. but they can feel very like an emotional roller coaster or very triggering because it's like kind of the picture perfect thing that's portrayed and how it's supposed to look. And many, many people's experience is not that. So you feel it highlights any kind of lacking that there might be, whether it's a parental figure that's going to handle those types of things or a financial

insecurity around being able to provide those types of things. So yeah, validated. I could totally get that. Thank you. I appreciate the validation. But I do enjoy Black Friday. I do enjoy Black Friday. I have a lot of furniture to buy. I am very excited for all of the deals. Okay, good. You know, it's so funny because in my group, I did a week long from last week to this week and it ended today of like a buy nothing challenge. Oh. Like don't buy anything for one week, hoping that it will lead to people being more mindful about. about their purchasing. And when I announced that we were doing that challenge in my group, some people were exactly like that. Like, I've been waiting for Black Friday. Like, I cannot not buy anything. So I don't know if this is the week for that. Maybe like the week after might be,

but like after, you know, like almost after you binged. Yeah, we did it last week. So it's technically over this week before Black Friday, which I did on purpose as like a little prime the pump of just like starting to be conscious of that itch to just buy things just to buy them or becoming aware. It's really actually interesting. Again, we can talk about another time about once you begin to notice why you're buying things, it's a little bit of an insight into your whole psyche of like why you buy things and what you, you know, what you're seeking out when you purchase something. So, you know, if you're interested. You're looking out. Depends what you're buying probably.

Yes. Just interesting to look at it. Like I, you know, we'll go on a tangent for a second. I was doing it with my group, supposed to buy nothing, right, for the week. And one of those days, we had a heritage night at the kids' school. And my kids are like the only Jewish kids, I think, in the entire school, potentially in the entire school district. like very, very few Jewish kids. So, especially with everything going on, I'm kind of like, all right, it's Heritage Night.

I'm going to be the token Jew that's going to represent Jewish people at this heritage thing. And I had a bunch of things picked out, but one of the things I was going to buy like a treat to go with the, you know, to give away. Like a vodka or something? Yeah, but I was going to do like jelly donuts for a Hanukkah thing. Okay. but I was supposed to not buy anything. Oh, that included that? Well, anything you don't need, right?

So, like, food, obviously, but it was like an extra. And then it really got me to think, like, why do I need, why do I feel the need to, like, give out these tasty, sugary treats to these children? And it was like, I want them to think that being Jewish is, like, fun. And, like, give them a positive feeling around that by giving them. I'm a sugary treat. So it just like made me stop and pause and like explore the whole thing of like, why is this so important to me? It's like I'm trying to give, you know, give Jewish people like a good reputation by handing out jelly donuts, which is kind of ridiculous. I don't know if that's going to do the trick. Right. I just don't know if that's going to change the vibes. Right.

But like... Maybe. I don't know. Can't hurt, I guess. Can't hurt. But it was just so interesting to slow down the process and think, like, I'm going to break this, like, you know, kind of intention that I set for myself to not buy anything and why. So, no, I think it's a very interesting thing to, like, think about that.

Think about marketing. I have so much stuff to buy for my house. And even just last night, I was thinking about this. It's so funny that we mentioned this because I was thinking about this. I was looking at like a Dutch oven. So you know I like my soups. So I was looking at these Dutch ovens and like there's like the high end nice Dutch ovens. And in like the on the website, there's like these little like videos because they're like expensive.

So I guess it like they want to like show you. They want what you're spending your money for. Right. So they're showing you like this, they're making this rest. in it and like everything you know it's funny like every all the little like ingredients are in their own little cute little cups and they like pour it in and you just like picture yourself like a picture myself in my kitchen just making like this like I don't know this like special popcorn that they're doing with like the butter and the herbs and the whatever and then you picture bringing it over to like

family room and it's really I guess like a lot of this consumption is about like creating like a picture of this ideal life where like you have everything is neatly arranged in the cute little things and then you bring it over there you are putting half a chopped off finger

that was not in the video right my chopped off finger was not my little you know my fingerprint was not in no it wasn't in a tiny cup all by itself right that's reality pre portion

yeah I totally get it. So being mindful of like kind of being manipulated by marketing. And like the reality is when you want to pop your popcorn, you're probably going to throw a bag of microwave popcorn into the microwave and like, you know, bring it out. That's going to be it. Movie story.

It's not like you're not like like like again like fantasizing to like it again like an emotional masturbation to like the lifestyle that I could have of this like perfectly everything looks like lovely and it comes together. Buy the basic Dutch oven. I do not think you need the high-end Dutch oven. I don't think it's going to change my life. No, I do not. I was thinking as I was by it was like,

maybe this will just change my entire life. Maybe I'll start cooking more. I'll be a little Susie homemaker with my new Dutch oven. Yeah. I think you could try it out with a low-end Dutch oven, and I think you'll be fine. Save a couple of bars. A couple bucks.

Yes, we will see. But this brings us to our other larger feedback loop for this show, which was that people were really angry about our Election Day episode. Yeah. Yeah. And we had recorded that episode before Election Day, so we didn't know what the results were. But people were really angry.

So I'll let you take that. Yeah, I think it was more they were angry with me. And I did a lot of reflecting. because I read the reviews also. And I do, the reviews are tough because there's no room for dialogue, right? It's just a review. But, you know, there were a few. And even some people that I see in real life that listen to the podcast were triggered by my saying,

it's going to be okay, we're going to be okay, or you're going to be okay, something along those lines. And so I really did reflect on it and went through a process of kind of like, who am I as a therapist and how it, you know, it didn't translate well in that moment. So I really do for any of you out there, and I'm sure there, I hope you're still listening, but for listeners out there, I do really want to apologize that I invalidated your fears. I think your fears are really real. And I think by me saying you're going to be okay or we're going to be okay, I think it was really triggering because of that.

It made it feel like, you know, perhaps. Yeah, yes, that I was not, yes, not validating the way that they felt. So I really do, that is not my intention. I want everyone to feel validated. I do understand what all the listeners are, or some of the listeners are afraid of. And this is a learning process for me because I think being in the room with someone and leading with what is my style of therapy. And if you've been listening long enough,

you know what it is. I kind of do come back to balance and mindfulness and calm body. So, like, getting pulled into anger is not something that might be a blessing and a curse for my style of therapy because I think sometimes it might make someone, like in this case, not feel validated in their anger. But for some people, my hope is that it kind of pulls them back to calm body and not being led by fear. But it's hard because when you're, I'm a psychologist. I'm not really a podcaster.

I mean, I am, but I'm a psychologist primarily. So I think I'm leading the conversation as a psychologist and I'm used to being able to have a dialogue with someone around their fears. And if I was in session with someone and I said, you're going to be okay, it wouldn't just be that and then move on. It would be, oh, that actually really triggers me. And then we go into what is triggering about that and validating those feelings and moving through it, which didn't translate well in this particular situation. So I really, yeah, it was definitely, you know, tough to hear that I triggered a lot of people or some people. and made them feel invalidated. And that's my first job is to really listen and validate people.

But I also feel like I do want to challenge people on the flip side to be better able to kind of become conscious of and relax into fear and anger. That's kind of my style, which, again, is harder to do when you're just on a podcast and not in the room with someone. Yeah, and a one-way thing where it's like, like, okay, validate your anger. Let's bring it to consciousness.

Let's see if we can relax into that fear, relax into that anger with the idea is that you're going to be better able to make change in the world if you are embodying that change that you want to see, which doesn't come from leading with fear. That doesn't mean you don't process the fear. We have to, and that's the part that was missing, I think, for a lot of people was like being able to process that fear. Right. Maybe they felt it, again, maybe they felt that was like too soon to like get to that

point because again, I think this episode came out on the election day or whatever. We had recorded it. And I think that like a week after perhaps. Perhaps the week after. And maybe it's like again, they're not like ready to go there. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Totally.

We probably needed. And again, if you were in my group or we were in therapy together, we would have spent more time kind of processing through. So I agree. I apologize for making anyone feel invalidated in their feelings. And yeah, I mean, so it also gave a lot of thought to a way that maybe we could interact a little bit more back and forth with some of the listeners instead of it just being kind of like talking at them.

Right. And that's, you know, from this medium, all we usually get, we get emails, we get voicemails and we're having a, the emailer is just saying what they can say in a short enough email or voicemail and we're responding. So we thought it would be really interesting to invite people onto the podcast to share their experiences and have a more two-way experience, almost like a, almost like a therapy session where I also pop in. and give my unlicensed advice. But just like a conversation for subscribers, so it will be behind the paywall, it will be like a little bit more private. It's not going to be like a public thing.

We can also cover your voice if you don't want it to be known. We can hide any details that you don't want. But we thought it would be really interesting to have a two-way conversation. And so we're asking listeners, I think we want to start with listeners who've already written in sort of to discuss their problem, either how we helped or didn't help or whatever their ongoing issue is. So we want

to invite them to come onto the show virtually and to have like a really interesting conversation. I think it's going to be really fun. Yeah. I honestly, I can't wait for that because I do, when people write in, especially if they leave a voicemail and I hear their voice and, you know, it's hard to kind of be like, okay, here's the advice, like best of luck and not know anything about how it turned out or ask more details. I mean, we do the best with what we can, but I would really look forward to talking more with some of our listeners. And even like I said, I think you and I together are a great kind of one-to-punch

because you can probably more naturally do a little bit more of that, like, you know, like... Real world. Yes. Cut the shit. Yes. Yes. Yes. Like just the more unfiltered emotion.

versus like what I think irritated people about that particular episode in general was this like, okay, coming back to center, becoming conscious, like every, you're going to be okay. Like, I'm not saying that. But I do, I think, I just think it's going to be a really fun conversation. So I hope that some of you guys are open to sharing and we will do everything that we can to keep it anonymous. if that's something you're concerned about. So, yeah. And if you want to talk about that episode

and how it enraged you, you can write in and write about that. We can, we're open to conversation there or anything else. You know, all your standard run at the mill, mother-in-law, you know, annoying husband emails, we're open to those two.

Yes, but follow-ups for sure. So if we, if we helped you, if you took our advice and it didn't work, if you took our advice and it did work or something new, came up that you want to share and maybe you need some more advice after having a development

in your life, definitely let us know we would love to talk to you. Yes. Email us oversharing at betches.com and write the episode where we gave you advice. Just let us know where we can find that or if you want to reply to the email that you sent that we answered

oversharing at betches.com and if you want to email us to be part of the regular show, oversharing atbetches.com and voicemail number 646-363-662-9-4. We get to start with a voicemail today, which I'm excited about. All right, let's do it. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I want some advice on what I should do.

So back in April, I broke up with my now ex-boyfriend, who I was with for two years about. And he has three daughters, 8, 11, and 13. and in the process of us breaking up, we had linked the conversations about, you know, what to tell the girls, what he's going to tell the girls if I would have the possibility of getting to make a vibe with the girls. And he wanted that. He told me he wanted that.

And then so we broke up in April, and then their birthdays were April May, June and I sent each of them a little card and like small little gifts. Because I just like, I had gotten to know them for a year and it just like broke my heart that I didn't actually get to like say goodbye to them or anything because as time went on, he never reached back out to me to like have a goodbye with the girls. I don't even know what that would have looked like if it would have been good or bad. I so the reason I'm calling you today is I still have this like paying in my like heart about it and I know that like they're not mine and so like you know what role do I really have and like would it be better or worse if I actually you know I don't know where to reach out to them but I've been thinking like I kind of wanted to

send them a little card for Thanksgiving, just saying, like, I'm so thankful that I got to meet all of you and that you, you know, became part of my life. I don't know. I haven't thought that part through, but I wanted to know your advice, and if you think that that would be a terrible idea or a good idea, I don't want to get back with their father. I don't want their father to think that this is like a way that I want to get back with them. I don't want him to reach out me. But I do want them to know that I still care about them and, yeah, and that they were an important part of my life and I'm thankful for them. So is this worth me doing? If it's not, what do you suggest I do to get past this? I've been in therapy. Yeah, so just kind of

curious your thoughts and wish you both the best and happy early Thanksgiving. Thank you both so much for everything you do. Okay, bye. Okay, so we're a little late because this comes out after Thanksgiving. Yeah, she doesn't have to figure it out before then and make up her mind. Yeah, this is really hard. It sounds like they did everything right in terms of like introducing the kids. I think if what I'm understanding is they dated for two years. She met the kids probably about a year in. because she said she's known them for like a year, it sounded like. So this is unavoidable, I think, when you're dating someone that has kids, that there's a potential that this might happen if you do it in this way

where you date for a full year before you introduce them, this might happen. I would say I think she should back off personally. She said she wrote them a note and gave them a little gift in like June. April, May, June. That sounds like a nice way of saying, hey, I'm not just disappearing off the face of the earth. Like, I'm still thinking of you, send you a little something. But now it's been like seven months since they broke up, is. Right.

Which is almost like a large chunk. It's like almost the same amount of time as like they were, they actually even knew her. Right. Like a little less, but still. And in my mind, at this point, she's kind of doing this for her, not for them. Mm-hmm. It feels that way, at least to me, because she's. she already, like, wrote them the note and gave them the gift.

And it seems like she's really, like, having a tough time separating from these people, which, again, I validate she had a relationship with them. But I think to, like, maintain contact almost makes it weirder for them. Yeah. Like, you're like my dad's ex-girlfriend who's, like, still telling me, like, how much they care about. Like, you shouldn't really maintain a relationship with them. And so, like, this just seems to be prolonging something that should have ended. Yeah.

Yeah. I agree. It is hard because it's like you're breaking up with the kids and the kids didn't do anything. And I think the part that sounds like as hard for her is she doesn't really know she wasn't able to really have closure with them in the beginning. So that part was like she didn't know. It sounds like they didn't respond to the initial birthday stuff. She doesn't really know how that went over.

I don't know. I'm sure she wrote something in the card that was nice and like a closure type of a statement. But I think that's the part that she's struggling with is that she never really had to, was able to have that conversation with them. But I think you have to trust in this situation that their dad's going to take good care of them. He's going to handle it in a way that, you know, makes them have like a healthy sense of self and relationships. And you did show like, hey, I did care about you. It wasn't just about your dad. Like I sent you these birthday gifts up until two or three months after we broke up.

And I agree. I think that that's probably enough, but I really do validate that this is tough. It's like they're kids and, you know, they're old enough to know also. You know, they're like 8, 11, and 13 and,

you know, they're old enough where you have conversations and probably a fear that they're, you know, thinking poorly of her. Maybe she just misses them. So I totally get it, but I agree.

I think this is probably on you at this point to just have to grieve the loss of those children, which it's really tough. A year is a long time to get to know a child and then have them like completely out of your life. I mean, it's funny because I always think about teachers like that too, you know, like. Right. That's interesting. You know, you're with a kid all day, every day, six hours a day for a full year. And then it's like.

I can't wait for them to get them. Maybe this was the sweet spot where they weren't annoying, but they were there. No, I'm sure that's true of like a few kids in the class, I'm sure, like especially where you maybe you had like a deeper connection. And then the year's over and now it's like, okay, I'll see you like never. Yeah. Yeah. I would love it. I mean, it's, I guess you, you know, you just kind of deal with it and you move on and you kind of, you know, you get distracted by your next group of kids or whatever. But so I get this, but I do agree.

I think I certainly wouldn't reach out again, like directly to the kids because I think this is something that. Like overstepping. Yeah, I think this is something. If you really do decide that you wanted to do it, I think, unfortunately, you're going to have to go through the dad and ask him if he is okay with that before I would do it. And that might open up a Pandora's box that you don't want to around him. if you, you know, again, I think the best thing is if you can just kind of grieve that and move on.

The other thing you can do is say, hey, I'm still, you know, to your ex, I'm still thinking about the girls. If you would, if you would share with me kind of how you explain things or how you left things with them, it would make me feel a little bit better. But even, that's like, I would just leave it alone. But I think if you really did feel compelled to do something, maybe you can get a little closure if he's kind of like, oh, yeah, this is how we, I explained it to them and they seem okay. They're doing fine. They're not really worried about it. Like that might make you feel a little bit better.

Yeah. And I mean, I would imagine, again, she knows him. They dated for two years. She knows him well. Sure, she knows, like, his parenting style and assuming he's a good dad if she, like, wanted to date him. And just to trust that if they really were, like, super distraught or unsettled, like, that you would have been brought into the mix to do whatever closure they needed.

Right. Right. Maybe again, maybe they're doing fine and no one wants to. I could understand if I'd take it to put myself in his shoes where it's like they seem kind of unfazed by the breakup. I don't feel, maybe he's like, I don't really feel like we needed to do like series of conversations. Like that seems like making it a bigger thing than it is. And maybe that that idea of that is kind of hurtful. So she hasn't even considered that possibility that they were like fine. Right. Yes. And kids. are pretty resilient and for what it's worth, this is something that unless the next person that he dates, he marries, that they're going to have to learn to handle as their dad, you know, meets and dates and tries to find a life partner. Like there might, this might happen again. And it's hard, but, you know, and you left kindly. I think it was great that right away you sent something and did something to show like, even though I'm not with your dad, like I'm still thinking of you in the beginning. I think that was a great move. You can rest easy that you did that. And that was in the right time frame early in the breakup. Great. They know that you didn't just

like poof disappear, which I think is nice. Right. But I think the like Thanksgiving thing is unnecessary unless she's trying to be in their lives like indefinitely. Right. Which she's not. It's like whatever the last interaction you had is going to be like the last, it's going to be like they would get over it starting from there. So it almost feels like it's prolonging it for them if there was truly a deeper connection. It's like you already did the thing six months ago. It almost seems like it's for her and not for them. Yes.

And then they might be thinking, oh, when are we going to hear from her again next? If it seems like it is a thing that's going to be happening like sporadically throughout the year, I agree. I don't think it would necessarily be helpful. So she did ask how to get over it, and it is hard. I'm glad you're in therapy. This isn't an easy thing. And one thing you might want to do is, like, you can still write the letter or the card or whatever it is that you want to say. And maybe that would be a therapeutic thing for you to do, to write them each a letter of like, I remember when we did this together and I remember, you know, these are the things that I thought were so beautiful about you and this is what I'm going to miss. and like, you know, all your hopes and dreams or prayers for them for their future. And just that's for you to just like express that in that form as a way of kind of processing through your feelings about not being in their lives anymore. And then not send it. Yeah, and then not send it.

Yeah, exactly. Not at all. Like I want you this to be like an over the top kind of like just really getting out everything that you have to get out. What are you going to miss about? embarrassing to send. Go all in. Yes.

Yes. That's true. I think about that with a breakup letter that you don't plan on sending either. Like, you can almost, the cool thing about not sending it is like you can like kind of say

all the things that you would kind of be embarrassed to say to someone's face. And you could be like a roller coaster raging lunatic. Like you could be like, these are all the things I miss about you. And these are all the things I hate about you. And these are all the things that like I can't stop thinking about. the middle of the night, like, obviously don't send. But like, it's a way to get it all out.

So, and then you can maybe process it through with your therapist or so I think it might just be letting your, you know, like you said, I think you hit the nail in the head. It might be more for you than for them. And because it's a kid, it feels kind of like, okay, this isn't, this is like harmless. It's not a mixed message because we're not like getting back together. But it might be a little bit of a mixed message. So I would definitely get this all out on a piece of paper, write the letter, don't send it, and see if that helps you kind of like cleanse. And maybe you need to have like a good cry about losing this or just like really pull out all that emotion. And hopefully that will help. Because I think for both of them like then you're,

you're not going to be in each other's lives for like the future, like at all. So it feels like the less contact the better. It's not like there's a chance that you could all be friends. Right. Years and years to come. Like that would be weird, I think. Yes. Totally, totally agree.

This is just a hard thing. And sometimes, you know, this kind of comes back to a lot of what we talk about. But like sometimes when you're going through a hard emotion and something just feels like icky in your body or like sad or grief or heavy chest, you want to do something. But I think this is one of those occasions where, like, you have to just, like, tolerate the discomfort of that emotion and do nothing. Like, or write, you know, just like get it out in a letter. But when you're feeling this way, it is tempting to be like, what can I do to make this feeling go away? What can I do to make this situation better?

This is a crappy situation. It's a hard situation. And I don't think there's anything that's going to make it better other than, like, doing nothing. Great. Good luck. Yeah. Sorry about that. That's hard.

Moving right along. Do you want to read our bedgesist? Yeah, I will read this. Hi, Trudana and Dr. Naomi. Love listening to you two on my morning commutes. You both bring such a calming and kind energy to start off my day. Yay. Me, kind?

Love it. I'll get right to it. I was just listening to this week's episode about a listener writing in who doesn't want to use her PTO for her husband's family vacations. and it reminded me of a similar situation. A little about me. I'm 26 and my boyfriend and I have been dating for about two years. Each summer, his family takes a vacation together and this year they invited me to join them.

This past July, I went to Hawaii for a week with my boyfriend, his parents, and his brother. Now for my dilemma, his parents didn't pay for any part of this vacation. In total, the trip costs about 2,000 for flights, sharing a rental car and the hotel. For me, this is a lot of money and the majority of my travel budget for the year. I talked to my boyfriend ahead of time

about how I would like to join them, but I just don't have $2,000 to spend on a trip right now. He expressed he'd really like me to join and generously offered to cover half of that, so I ended up paying $1,000 instead up front. I tried to get ahead of the cost as much as I could, but in the end there were still so many spontaneous meals, excursions throughout the vacation,

that it was assumed I would be participating in. Every dinner, zip line, tour, kayak, rental, et cetera, his mom would write down the price on her phone and evenly divide at the end of the day. A lot of these plans his parents had already made reservations for in advance, and I felt like I didn't get much of a say in our day-to-day activities. Most notably, we went on a $250 per person boat tour on the last day of the trip that his parents had organized and Venmo requested me for after my boyfriend and I had gotten home. Another thing to note is that his brother is currently unemployed,

and his parents really wanted him to come on a vacation, to make sure he could be there, they bought his plane ticket. That being said, the cost for everything else ended up being divided by four instead of five. So in a way, it felt like all of us were paying for him to join us too. To be totally honest, regardless of the payment situation, this just wasn't my dream trip. We stayed in a hotel shared with his family and spent the days together. By the time the vacation ended, I got on the plane feeling ready to be home. I don't think this has anything to do with his family specifically.

It was just a lot of feeling on it while traveling. I live out of state from my parents and my siblings and I are all spread out across the country right now. So I already end up spending lots of money to visit them every year. When I travel with my family, the expectation is to buy our own plane tickets to wherever we're vacationing to. And my parents graciously cover the rest. We don't go on extravagant trips outside of the U.S. or anything like that, though. And my parents prioritize picking a destination we can all access and afford. My boyfriend's family is already planning a trip to Iceland next year.

and they've invited me to join them again. Iceland sounds amazing, but I'm already feeling overwhelmed by how expensive this trip is going to be. And the truth is, I'd rather go to Iceland another time in my life when I have more savings and can spend the trip with my own friends or family.

Do I have a right to say no to these trips? I wouldn't mind paying to join them on a less extravagant option, but it feels like that's not his parent's style. How would I bow out of next year's vacation? Is it acceptable to agree to go on vacation but ask my boyfriend to pay for more of my share. I'm already signed up to be in two weddings next year

and have two other weddings to attend, so I know saving for a trip like Iceland is going to be tough. Thanks for any tips in advance. Really appreciate you to your biggest fan, Cheapo Traveler. This family sounds fucking crazy. That is insane to me, that you're inviting your son's 26-year-old girlfriend and you're having her pay for,

her chair of the rental car, which you'd be renting anyway. Yeah. Like, that seems really icky to me, especially she's 26, not like she's like, she's like,

they have like a family of their own, like kids. Like she's a 26 year old girl. And you're then, and she's subsidizing the other son. The other son. Yes. To me,

that would be like a reason enough that I wouldn't want to go away with people who would do that. I feel like it's like, kind of, I feel like it's like, of icky, they're picking a very expensive place. I think Hawaii and Iceland are like two of the most expensive places to visit. Right. Extremely expensive spots. Um, so to me, I'd be like turned off

that this is his family. She's not even mentioning that. She's like, how do I like figure out the next trip? It's like, no, these people suck. Um, no, they're totally. I think that you're 100% right. Like, splitting the rental car, her splitting the rental car that they were going to have anyway is kind of nuts. And I, you know, and then splitting everything by four instead of five. Right. Like, I mean, sure, like, you bring, like, your kids' friends to, like, concerts or trips or, like, whatever, like, I think, you know, like, amusement parks, whatever. Are you, like, benmoing them with their parents for the gas? No, no, not at all. And even, like, sometimes the parents will then mo me for, like, the admission. And I'm like,

I asked your kid to go to this. Like, I'm going to pay for them, you know? The flight, I think is like fine. Yes. Like, again, that should be like clearly articulated before. Like, if you pay for the this, we're going to cover this. Seems like there was none of that. And then she again is paying for like all of the things on the actual trip that she didn't agree to.

And if I were the boyfriend, I would find this embarrassing. It doesn't sound like he does, though. Right. It's, yeah. I do. agree, I'm putting myself in the, in the parent's shoes, right? And you're like, okay, I don't know what their financial situation is, again, they're picking extravagant locations, but you're like, okay, now we have a son who's unemployed that we have to pay for. And then,

like, our other son's girlfriend that we have to pay for. That they invite it. What they invited? Right. But I guess what's the alternative? Like, they don't invite her. maybe the boyfriend really wants her to come, I think the compromise would be. Look, if this were me, I'd probably be like, I'm inviting you, we're going to just pay for it, or we're going to pick. Maybe we don't go on a $1,200 boat ride,

if that's what it's going to be for five people on the boat ride, whatever it is. Or you could say, hey, on the last day, we're going to go on a boat ride. It's $250 a person. totally understand if you don't, you can't make it or it's too out of your budget, but like we're going to go. We wanted to invite you to come.

And that leaves her the option of, and her and the boyfriend of saying, yeah, we're going to sit this one out. We actually, you know, we're just going to land the beach instead. So I think the other part that's annoying is that they're making all the plans. They're not asking her. And then it's like awkward for her to have to say, no, I don't want to do the boat ride. They're not even telling her until after the boat rides. done how much it is. Right. Yeah. That's, yeah. And the fact that she, I think the worst part is the fact that they're having her pay to subsidize the brother. Yes. That's nuts. Like,

splitting it. They're almost like making out on the fact that she's there. Like, right. And to me, that's like kind of the worst part. And to me, the worst part is also kind of the boyfriend. Like the boyfriend is like, oh yeah, like, this is totally fine that we're charging you this amount and that you're kind of getting, and maybe he feels like because he paid $1,000 worth that he's already done his share. But to me, I'd be like, this is not like how I want to operate. Like, I would be turned, I think I'd be turned off by that. Not saying she should break up with him over this, but I think it doesn't feel very protective of her. Yes. Yeah. And I mean, maybe she's not expressing to him how she's feeling. I hope that she is or that she does. And then I

think he can say to his parents kind of like, look, we'd love to travel with you guys, but I spent, you know, we spent whatever it is, $2,000 to get there and stay. And then I'm sure at least like another thousand dollars on like food and excursions and whatever else. And like, we want to go on vacation with you guys, but we need to go somewhere that's more reasonable where we're not going to have to do this or the other alternative of like, we're just going to join you and you guys can do all this stuff, but we're not going to be able to participate if you can't help us out.

I don't know what their financial situation is, but it does sound like they're prioritizing the locations that they want to go. Right. Right. To me, it's like, that's the whole reason to go away with someone's family is that they're paying for shit.

Isn't it not? It's like, of course, when she writes, like, the truth is I'd rather go to Iceland another time in my life when I have more savings and can spend the trip with my own friends and family. Like, of course. Like, the only reason I would go somewhere, where like, you know, I'm not picking any, the itinerary.

I'm just sort of being plugged into this trip is because it's like cheaper or freer than it would be to do it myself. Yes. And you have to kind of be on like best behavior because you're with your boyfriend's parents. Yeah. So this is, I mean, this is triggering on a lot of levels that we mentioned. And that's the last one of which is like if I'm going to spend $3,000 on a vacation, I want it to be the one that I pick and the place that I want to go to and the excursion.

that I pick and be able to, if she wants to, like, get really drunk on the beach on a Saturday, like that she's not around her boyfriend's parents or, yeah, like on all the time. So what do you think is the, I mean, because mine probably wouldn't be as tactful. What do you think is the language she can give to the boyfriend around, like, her? First of all, like, should she express her feelings about this trip to him or just make it about, like, the next trip? Or is it too late? Do you recommend she like address kind of her negative feelings towards this previous

trip or just kind of make it about the new one? Yeah, both. I think, I mean, if this is her boyfriend, I think she should be able to say like this is, you know, I had a great time. You know, like we did it and it was fun. But like after having come back, I realize that this is not something that I would want to do again or it was too much or like everything that she said to us. I think she could say to him.

And, you know, just like, I understand if your parents can't pay for me to come on vacation with you guys. Like, I don't expect that. But I also, like, if I'm going to set aside $3,000 a year for vacation, I want to be able to choose. And we've had a lot of listeners write in about this, like, whether it's my PTO or my vacation budget or whatever it is, like, that's precious to people. and they want to be able to spend it on what they want to spend. Like you said, if I'm going to go away with someone else's family, great. I'll buy my plane ticket to get there. And then everything else feels like it's kind of like I'm joining you on the vacation that you picked out.

You're hosting me. Yes. Yeah, which is not the vibe that I got here at all. Yeah, I think she should be really open with him about it. And the Iceland trip is a great opportunity to be like, look, sounds really fun. I have, this is my vacation budget for the year. I don't think that I want to use it for this trip. You know, maybe you and I can go away together or like I was thinking of going away with some girlfriends or, you know, I would, you know, it's not nothing.

No, it's not about that I don't enjoy spending time with your family, but, and I think she should mention the part about like subsidizing the brother and that she felt that that was. Yeah. Yeah. It may be uncomfortable to read. Yes. And here's the thing. And the rental car, I totally agree with you. It's like you're getting it anyway.

It's like, and she's 26. Like, yes. It's kind of gross to me, to be totally honest. You're inviting someone, like the whole point is like that you're in some way treating them to something. There's like none of that here. And I think maybe, again, she should say something to the boy. If she's 26, maybe the boyfriend's 26 too.

And like sometimes you need to like, hear from an outsider who walks into your family that like the way that they operate is kind of messed up. And like sometimes you don't know. So we'll give him the benefit of the doubt that like this is all kind of like, this is the only family he's known as far as he knows. Like maybe this is normal. And you know, I think we all have that. Maybe you're his first serious girlfriend that he's brought into the family. He's getting a new sense of this. Like maybe this is good information for him to have. Sometimes when you first start dating someone and they meet your family, you get a very different take on things you thought we're normal. And maybe the parents need a little wake-up call too.

This is probably their first experience, like inviting a significant other on a vacation that they're taking. So maybe they need a reality check on the expectations here as well. And maybe they do need to say, okay, if we want to take a family vacation, it's going to have to be a lower budget family vacation. If the two of us want to go alone together, we'll go to Iceland or Hawaii. And if we want to bring the family, we'll go to Florida and, you know, we'll, like, stay at a hotel

on the beach and the excursion will be going to the beach. And, you know, and I'm not paying for your unemployed brother to hike Mount Presuvius. It's not in my travel budget for the year. Yeah, I think she needs to be honest about this. But it does, you know, thinking about being on the parent's side of this, like, oh, that's hard when you're like, all right, you know, like, we're trying to take a, you know, a family trip. And I'm like, just figuring out the budget for the five of us. I can't imagine if two of my girls have a boyfriend that they want to bring. And now we're paying for seven people to go on vacation.

Like, out. Well, you could just say, like, we, I think that's like sort of the adult thing to do is to look at the budget, be like, we actually can't afford to do plus ones for the kids this year. Right. So, like, it's just going to be a family trip. I think that is much more socially acceptable than, like, come. and we'll divide the rental car.

Oh, my gosh. They'll pay for that. And they'll pay for Brooks, who's in college because he can't pay his way. The two boyfriends are splitting his mimosa's at breakfast. Yeah. I think, like, someone who had a normal relationship with money would think that that was weird. So I would not want to plan a wedding with this guy's family. Oh, yeah.

Totally. And there are ways to do it. Like, getting a house on the beach somewhere is a great way to invite. significant others. Like we have the house anyway. We got a house with two extra bedrooms. And that's it. Get yourself there. We're going to pay for the house and whatever extra stuff you want to do, you can pay for. So yeah, there is a way, if they're prioritizing, like, spending time with the family, you can do that in a different way. I think they might just need. You don't have to go to Hawaii. Yes. They might, they might, the parents and the boyfriend, I think you're right,

need an outsider's perspective on like what is a normal expectation. So we could just kindly give them a little reality check. Yeah. And people who like have a healthy sense of their parents and boundaries will be open to that. Totally. I mean, we just talked about this with the hosting. Like sometimes you need your boyfriend to come into your mom's house and be like kind of aware that there's no food and no toilet paper. Right. Sometimes you need the listeners to be like, no, Pigs in the blanket is not an appropriate entree for Friendsgiving. RIP your hosting, yes. It's there.

You know, we take the perspective also. All right. Let's do some intentions. All righty. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, thank you both for all you do. I love the pod and I've listened to every episode. I'm reaching up for some advice. There's some complicated family backstory here, but I'll try to be concise.

I'm 33 years old and navigating a lingering tension with my dad. My dad and I are very different people, but I love and respect him, and I know that he loves me too. We've had our big blow-ups over the years, usually about politics since he's very conservative or life decisions of mine that he didn't approve of, like living with a boyfriend before marriage. But things between us have been really steady

and positive for the last few years. We don't talk too often, usually through my mom, but when we do, it's generally surface level, but loving. He tells me he's proud of me and the life I've built. However, I still feel like there's always a possibility that this upward trajectory and our father-daughter cohesion is going to crack. I have an irrational fear that it could be because of my tattoos.

I have a few tattoos all very beautiful and meaningful to me. My dad hates tattoos, and a few Christmases ago in our last big fight, he said some nasty things about mine and ended up getting pretty mean. Things escalated and it was awful. I got a version of an apology a few weeks later where he said he wished he hadn't been so grouchy and we've never talked about it since. I think that if I brought it up now, my family would see me as causing drama. and holding grudges.

Sometimes there's even a sense from my mom, like, you knew he hated tattoos when you got them, so what can you expect? My family has often told me that I'm too sensitive, especially when it comes to my dad. But now I find myself hiding my tattoos whenever I see him. They're on my arm,

and so I wear long-slave shirts and jackets, even in the summer. I'm embarrassed to be so worried about his reaction at 33 years old. I'm happy, independent, and successful, and I haven't been financially reliant on him since I was 18. I wish I could be more confident,

like take me or leave me. But I really hated these fights and fear that seeing my tattoos will spark another deeply hurtful exchange. One other note of context, my younger sister has a tattoo as well. We actually have matching ones. And she doesn't worry about any of this.

Her tattoo was not mentioned in the Christmas fight, L.O.L. Their relationship is solid and honestly a lot friendlier than the one I currently have with my dad. She says I'm overthinking the whole thing. And while I'm sure this is true, I'm hoping you can help me with an intention for when I feel the need to cover my tattoos

to keep the peace. Thanks for all that you do, an overthinking, Bech. Yeah, this reminds me of, I think this is relatable to any relationship where there's like certain

taboo topics that you have to avoid because you're afraid of how it's going to affect your ability to, you know, like a reaction from the other person, whether it's like even a partner that you want to tell them, you know, you spent money on something and you're afraid of

how they're going to react or, you know, a parent that you want to confess something to or a friend, if, you know, whatever it is. Like I think- You're putting on a version of yourself for these people that you think they will love more. Yes. And that's why, yes. That's why I think she continues to feel so insecure in her relationship with her dad, like it's hanging on by a thread because it's like she has to conform to a certain image that she thinks he wants from her,

and she's never going to feel secure in the relationship if she's always like tiptoeing around his rage or his meanness, which it sounds like came out when he was, has come out when he was disappointed by her. So, yeah, this is, she knows it. You know, she knows that it's not sustainable to only show him the side of her that he's going to like. Yeah. And I think the holidays bring up a lot of that for a lot of people.

You know, some people, when they, some people, they go home and they are like the most authentic version of themselves. They're around people that they have great relationships with and everything. Like, they feel like really known and heard and seen. And it's kind of like a beautiful thing to come from a family where you can go home and feel like that. Because a lot of people, go home with this situation. They go home and they kind of feel like a part of them that they don't like comes out. And in her case, it's like a part of her that's like not being her true selves for trying to please someone. Or sometimes it's, you know, your, your worst instincts that you have from like your childhood or you're around people that you feel like you need to be a certain

version of to get through the day with. And so I think it's like, it's kind of sad. And I mean, I've talked about this with like the Christmas tree thing. Right. I talked about this last year. with my dad where it's like, I know he doesn't like a Christmas tree, but I have one. So it's kind of like, do I pretend to be this version of myself that doesn't want to do that or doesn't do that?

Or do I be my real self and just say, take it or leave it? Yes, like she said. Yes. And I think that's where some of the stuff that we talk about here, where you can just kind of like breathe through the discomfort of that person's reaction. And that's one of the hardest things to do

is to tolerate other people's negative emotion. But you can do it. And I think she can handle this and the more she practices and handles it. And sometimes it's helpful to have a game plan when you're going into a situation like this where you know that you want to be your true self, but there is a chance that the person on the other end

is going to have a big reaction to that. to have a game plan for like if he is raising his voice or if he's speaking unkindly, that you can just say, it seems like you're having a big reaction to this right now. I don't want this to escalate. I'm just going to take a little break and I'll come back and see if we can talk about it more calmly. Where she doesn't, I don't think she has to sit and tolerate if he's like berating her again. I don't think she has to handle that, but I think she has to handle presenting him an opportunity to react

and then letting him decide what to do with it. Maybe he'll be better. He did seem to at least acknowledge that the way he handled it wasn't great, and maybe he'd be better about it if she gave him another shot at it. So I think you know what you need to do. Yes. So just hang out by your sister. Maybe she'll help you out,

little bit, but the intention that I wrote for her, and this can go for many relationships, which is the path to a lasting and secure love is through honesty even when it's hard. So being honest with your dad, whether it's about your, today it's about your tattoos, and a year it'll be about something else, whatever it is, that being honest is the way that you're going to feel a secure love from him, that he might see something, he might have a reaction, might not love it, but he can handle it and so can you. And I think that's going to help you with what I think is the bigger issue, which is that she's always nervous that her relationship with her father's going to devolve into non-existence. So it's tempting to just hide yourself

to make that happen, but I'm going to encourage you to show yourself to make that happen. And lucky for you, we have a meditation all about family stress when you're going home for the holidays. So check it out. It came out November 1st. You can find it on the feed or on like the Spotify oversharing benefits feed. And yeah, this was really helpful, I think, for anyone who feels like they need to be a certain version of themselves when they go home. All right, let's do some triggers. All right. Let's do it. All right. You want to read our first one? I will read this first one. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. Love the pod. I've been listening from the beginning. I have a triggered scenario for you and hoping to get your thoughts. The other night, I was at a housewarming party

for one of my friends. I've moved away, so I haven't seen this group of friends in a while. This particular friend has put her foot in her mouth on a couple of occasions before, which I've had to confront her about. I'm currently seven months pregnant, and my partner and I have told many of our family and friends are baby's name. It's a family name, so we have been dead set on it from the beginning. I happened to share it with one of the people at the party. This friend overheard us talking and said, wait, you're sharing your baby's name? Can you tell me? So I told her the name, and the first thing that came out of her mouth was, do you have a backup? I was completely thrown off, but I said, nope, why? And then she went on to say that I might not like the name as it might not

suit her when she comes out, so I should have some other options. I then got defensive and felt like I had to justify myself saying it's a family name, and we've been calling her that from the start. How trigger can I be? Why wouldn't she have just lied to my face and tell me she likes the name like a normal person, L.O.L. I'm also maybe a little more triggered since she has said stuff like this in the past. So now I'm just more sensitive to what she says. Anyways, what do you ladies think? Thanks for all you do. I give, this is very triggering, I think. Kind of crazy. Do you have the backup? I mean, in the nicest way of her of like, again, assuming she doesn't hate the name, maybe she just does. think people should have backups because she thinks that the baby should guide the name choice

should guide the name. Even so, crazy thing to say to someone, I'd give this like seven and a half. Yeah, I think this is triggering too. I agree. First of all, this is not someone she's going to give the benefit of the doubt to because she's said like offensive things in the past. So that's why I think if this was the first time ever that she's ever, that she's ever, said anything and you say the name and depending on the tone the person says oh do you have a backup i think it would still be hurtful and triggering and make you think that they hate the name but you could like you said construe it as like well maybe you want to see how she looks but yes right i mean this is why people don't tell people the name i think yes actually too so that they

Because I imagine it's triggering because now she's insecure that like everyone she's told the name to hates it and is like making fun of it or thinks it's bad. And she's just this is the only person that's told her. Yes. Yeah. That's why I do think sometimes it's better off not to say the name because it not everyone's going to like it. So they're either going to be, I mean, that's the essence that we all like the same names. We would all have the same name. So like everyone likes different things.

It's very subjective. So either someone likes it or they don't like it and they're going to lie or, you know, whatever it is. So names are tough. And then if you tell people after the baby's named, everyone's going to be like, love it or not comment at all and move on. When you say it in the beginning, it's not true. It's annoying. But people almost feel like it's up for debate, which is annoying. Like, what do you think of this?

Right. And then even if you're picking a name and it is up for debate, now you have this idea that like a certain number of people don't like a particular name. It is triggering, I will say. Like what do you think of my boyfriend? Right. Yes. However, it's your baby.

It's your name. It's meaningful to you. And I think for the listener, some people aren't going to like it. That's okay. I don't think there's a name on the planet that exists that everybody likes. Is it rude to tell someone essentially? Yes. Yes.

I definitely, unless you said to her, do you like it? Right. And then she said, do you have a backup that might be the only way that this would be unacceptable? We all know what do you have a backup means. If you try in an outfit for someone and they say, do you have a backup, we all know what that means. Yes. This doesn't look good on you. Yes.

Totally. Oh, my God. That's funny. Yeah, I would say this is triggering. I would definitely, I'll give it like a six. And only because I think it's your name, own it, love it. Not everyone's going to like it. But yeah, that's annoying.

And don't, you know, I think you got to, if on the next kid, don't tell her the name. Don't tell anyone. Okay. Hi. Let's do another one. Yes. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I have a triggered scenario for you.

My fiance and I are getting married next month. We initially decided to have a child free wedding, despite the fact that most of our friends have little ones. This was not an issue for most of our friends, except for one. She made it very clear that they likely would not be able to attend our wedding if their toddler could not attend with them, as they live on the East Coast away from family and friends who could otherwise babysit for the weekend. Because of their insistence and desire to have them at the wedding, we told them that they could bring their toddler. Since this decision was made, every conversation I have with this friend comes back to the fact that she is so stressed and overwhelmed about bringing

her child to the wedding. For example, she's disappointed that they can only be in town for less than 24 hours due to their child's sleep schedule. They fly in the morning of the wedding and fly out at midnight the night of the wedding. She's indicated that they will likely skip the ceremony since their child would make a lot of noise and be disruptive and they will likely have to leave before the dancing and speeches begin because it will be too loud for their child. She doesn't know what to wear to the wedding because it needs to be comfortable enough to chase the baby around the whole time and whatever she's wearing.

The list of complaints goes on and on. Most recently, she informed me that I will need to ensure that there is a high chair at the venue because he only eats in a high chair or else he will have a meltdown. These complaints and requests make me feel as though my wedding is just one stressful burden for her. I should also add that I flew to the East Coast

for her wedding in April 2020 in the heart of the pandemic and ended up getting COVID from the reception and never complained. April 2020, that is a real COVID wedding. That is like ground zero. That was one of those mask parties. Yeah, that's crazy.

How triggered can I be? Also, is there a way in which? which I should address this issue with her prior to the wedding. I'm tempted to say something like, it sounds like this is causing a lot of undue stress, in which case you can always sit this one out if it will save you the grief. But that also seems passive aggressive.

Help. Sincerely, bring your own fucking high chair. Great sign off. This sign off is hysterical. I love it. This is maybe just a personal thing. I find this very triggering. It's like...

From the friend. Yes, the friend. I know you'd hate brides, so I wasn't sure whose side you were going to be on. No, I just, it's one thing if you, like, I would much rather the person say, hey, I'm going to send you a nice gift. Sorry, we can't make it. We have to, you know, I know you want to do no kids. Our kids are kids going to really make this not enjoyable? We'll celebrate another time versus like saying yes.

and then from soup to nuts. Like, we're not going to come to the ceremony. We're going to leave before the dancing and the speeches, but also bring a high chair in case we end up staying for the dances and the speeches, and I have to wear something that I'm going to be chasing her around all night, so I'm not going to be able to participate in the wedding anyway. The sheer number of things that she's complaining about is, like, I feel exhausted. Right.

To the bride. Like, complain about it. someone else. Yes. I think this is almost like that situation where like the boyfriend doesn't want to be the bad guy so they make you, they act so horribly that they make you break up with them. I think she's hoping that you'll say. I think she really doesn't want to go, but she feels bad saying, especially after she already

maybe like asked to, said that it would be too hard. She probably said it's too hard for me to come and not bring the, without bringing the kid, assuming the friend would be like, I'm sorry, that's the policy. And then she could be like, she could, she didn't. have to be the one who's like, I'm not coming to the wedding. Right. Seems like she, like, said this. The friend was like, you can bring her.

And now she, like, is trying to get the friend to un-invite her or to say, like, why don't you sit this one out, which is very annoying and very immature. Like, she's basically making her say, like, you don't have to come. Yes. Very, very, very possible. I agree with that. I think when she said, we can't come. unless we bring our toddler,

I do think at that moment, probably the move would have been like, so sorry you can't make it. It's, you know, this is what we- It was nice of her to make the concession. Yeah, but now she's paying the price because any one of these complaints alone would be like slightly annoying.

Like I'm picking out my outfit and I have to pick one that I can run around the baby with or like. Well, that's why I think she's saying it to get her like, say, forget it. Like she's like, I'm going to wear pajamas to the wedding. I'm going to leave early. I'm going to show up late.

Who knows he could be screaming the entire ceremony? People might not even hear the vows. Yes, it's really true. I don't think it's passive aggressive. Like she said it's passive. No, I don't think, no, I'm saying, I don't think it's passive aggressive if she says to her, hey, it seems like you're really not going to enjoy yourself.

Like you're going to probably miss a ceremony. you're going to miss the dancing. You're going to be running around after whatever. She could repeat back to her, all of her things and just say, it doesn't sound like you're really good. I will not be offended if you don't come. We'll celebrate another time unless she is really offended if she doesn't come. I think what the listener probably really wants is for her to just leave her baby with

somebody and come and enjoy. Yeah, and come normally. And she's just not doing that. an option that I see a lot of people do is like they get a babysitter like for the wedding, you know, that she could like hang out in a hotel room with the baby or whatever the case might be. But I'm sure they're smart people. They realize that could be an option and they're choosing not to do that for some reason. But this just sounds insane.

And like the last thing you want and it sounds like she's the type of person that would have no shame that even on the wedding day, should be coming up to you and interrupting you while you're dancing to be like, oh, Susie's diaper needs to be changed. Do you know where there's like a changing table? It's like, you know, no, you don't even need to deal with this. Agreed. Yeah, I think it's, I would give it like a six and a half on the triggered scale of like this person who just keeps, again, I think she knows what she's doing.

I think she's hoping you tell her not to come. I don't think she ever wanted to come. But when you said she could bring the baby, I think she had no way out at that point. Right. She couldn't be like, no. So now she's like trying plan B, which is passive aggressive and immature and annoying.

And like not like a good way to handle this kind of thing. But whatever. Yeah. Give her the out. You're going to have a better time without it. Without her. Maybe she's, you know,

I get it. She's probably, you know, just really wrapped up in. parenting. Some people have a really hard time separating from their kids or leaving them with other people and they don't want to go to strangers or whatever. So I understand it, but the better thing would be for this friend to be like, look, it's just not. No one's going to have a good time. She doesn't want to go to your wedding. Right. Yes. Very clear she doesn't want to go.

So like, I don't think it's fun to have someone there who doesn't want to be there. Give her the other thing is like if she has a partner, that person could just watch the baby and she could just come to the wedding by herself. And maybe you want to give her that option. Like, I won't be offended if, like, so-and-so, you know, stays with the baby and you, and doesn't come. Like, that's another option as well. But yeah. Good point. Give her, give her the out. If this is a good friend and you really want her there, you could say, like, I won't be offended if your partner doesn't come. If they want to stay with the baby and you can just, you know, show up and have a good time. Sounds like she doesn't, she doesn't want to do that either. Sounds like she doesn't really want to go. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, that's a hard pill to swallow, but I agree. I think that's what's happening. But yeah, I'll give it a seven. I just find, I don't know, I find this stuff irritating. Agreed. All right. Well, we did it. We did.

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