Oversharing - I Don’t Want To Lose My Friend To Her Relationship

Episode Date: December 26, 2023

Today on Oversharing, Dr. Naomi dishes major Spelling Bee drama. Our Overshare comes from a listener whose mom just can’t accept her career change. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a little sister with a long-held grudge. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for a Betch who fears she might lose her roommate to a new man. And we’re feeling triggered by sh%t talking from literally everyone. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. So great to be back this morning with you.

I hear you had a spelling bee of a time this morning. I had a drama this morning with the spelling bee. So Maddie was, you know, she made it to the school, elementary school spelling bee. And she just got stage fright. She basically was like, I don't want to do it because they stream it through the, it's not everyone in the whole school is in the room, but they stream it into all the classrooms in the room. Oh, wow. High pressure. Yeah, a little, a little bit of pressure.

So she's all weekend, I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. then finally she talks to a friend of hers who was also in it and she convinces her to do it. So I moved back this recording. I changed my schedule. I go to the school. I'm sitting there and she's not on the stage and everyone else is on the stage. But this morning when she, before she left for school, she said she was going to do it.

She seemed like a much better headspace about it. Like not, she's like, if I get out, I get out, no big deal. So let me show up and she's not on the stage. and so I'm looking at Jeff and I'm like, I don't know. And then the principal comes over and says, we've had some students that have decided they don't want to participate

and we can't force them. So then I pull up my phone. You were a sumeter? Well, she was standing kind of right in front of us when she made this general statement. And if your child's not on the stage, it's probably because they decided not to participate. So that's when I pull out my phone,

I text you. I'm like, all right, we can put our recording back at the regular time. Are you like pissed off at her a little bit? Yeah, I'm a little annoyed. I'm a little annoyed because she knew we were coming. But I also get it because she was just like, I think she was trying so hard in her mind in the morning to be,

I'm sure we've all been there. You're like trying to put on your positivity hat. So I think as she left this morning, she like had her positivity hat on. I was like, okay, I'm going to do it. I'm breathing.

And then when they came in to actually take her, she probably had like, you know, over panic attack and was like, I'm not doing this. Yeah. I mean, here's the thing. I think the streaming thing makes it much more high pressure. Like when I was doing this spelling bee in elementary school, it was like, just your class. I don't even think they invited like, I guess you had to get to a certain level to invite the parents and everyone there.

But it's kind of like, oh, if I like, let's say I just spell the word wrong and it's like a really easy word. Yeah, that's her fear. Because I think they streamed it last year and there were like a kid or two. that spelled a really easy word wrong, just because they probably got nervous or whatever it is. And everyone saw it. And she was like,

I know what I was thinking about you. And you're probably going to be thinking the same thing about me. Right. So I text you and I'm like, all right, we can do our recording at the regular time. She's not showing up. I text Sean.

And then it was like a movie. She like walks in, scoots herself up the steps. I was like, oh my gosh she showed up and I texted you she showed up yeah so um last minute she shows up and she made it pretty far she got out she cried but she got to leave the stage and like we were there and she cried a little bit and then oh yeah okay well I mean unless you're first everyone gets out that's what I said unless you're first everyone's going to get out and there were a lot of people

a lot of people that got out before her so she saw that that's like you know right it's much more common to get out than not get out. Totally. What was the word that got her? Let's see if I can spell it. The word that got her was inventory. Oh, that's a tough one. That's a tough one. You know, I mean, I think I can do it. Right. But she doesn't really know that word. She thought it was I-N-N. That was her mistake. Oh, really? Not the like, she didn't think it was like I-N-V-I-N, which is what I would have thought, not the like inventory. Right, right. She put two. ends in. I think she was like overthinking in a little bit. I wonder if she'll ever spell that word wrong again.

Like traumatic memories every time she sees the word inventory. That's a tough one though. I think I might have gotten that one wrong until like a year ago or something. Yeah. You know, I think it's hard when you don't even know what the word means or you've never seen the word. Well, do they still have a thing where it's like, can you use it in a sentence? Yes. So that's why I, that's why I was texting you the whole time because every kid was like, The word would be like, apple. Apple.

They'd be like, can you definition please? And they'd be like a fruit that hangs from a tree. Can you use it in a sentence? Timmy ate his apple. So that's what was taking this thing. Because I think the kids stall. They just want a little time. Yeah, I would do that too.

Yeah. So every kid was kind of stalling and asking for a definition and use it in a sentence. And I'm looking at my watch. I'm like, oh, gosh, we got to get out of here. It's harder to say it, I think, to spell the word out loud than if you were to write it, I feel like that would be easier. Well, she was so cute. That's what she was doing for one of the words. She got in the beat, like towards the beginning, she got the word roughly. So she was like, that's one I would want a definition for because I feel like you just want to make sure you're using the right. Like, is it roughly? Like, there's a lot of ruffles. Right. Or is it like roughly? Roughly. Right. So she was like, I saw her kind of like. sketching it on her hand, like to see what it would look like written out, kind of.

That was her strategy. After the kids go, they should play, like, grown adults trying to spell these words because I bet that would make the kids feel a lot. Totally. I mean, there would be a lot of them getting it wrong. There were hard ones toward, like in the round that she got. And it's also she, you know, all words are different. So she was, she got off the stage and she was like, he got Squire.

You know, because some kid in her. And it's like, all right. And you're adult. That's the hand you were dealt. I've been watching the Squid Games reality show. It kind of reminds me of. Oh, wow. Yeah.

That shows intense. No, I haven't, but I know the concept. It's really weird. They have, like, a reality show based on it that's, like, based on the Squid Games. But the people are really intense about it. But they don't die, obviously. Right. That's the part that makes it crazy.

Right. But they kind of, like, make it, they kind of, like, try to, like, make it seem, like, they have an ink pack in their chest or something that, like, kind of, like, explodes when they get out and they're supposed to like lie on the floor. So they're kind of like trying to give you a vibe that they're dying. Oh my gosh. Society is just this is what we need to entertain us. Yeah, I mean, I'm entertained.

At first I was like, this is stupid. I don't want to watch it. And then we watched a few episodes and you get like pretty. I actually think you'd like it because it's kind of like the challenge. Okay. You like the challenge. Yeah, I like the challenge. Maybe I'll check it out.

I'm proud of Maddie that she went in. Me too. did it, you know. That's the lesson. And even for our listeners, like she had that moment, that back and forth, we were like, I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this. And then you try to talk yourself into it. And I'm curious, when she gets home from school, I'm going to ask her what her process was.

Like, how did she go from I'm not to like, okay, I can do this? Because that's the lesson is, you know, everything, the only way out is through. And I hope that she learned that, okay, you get out, you shut a team. here, you're okay? Move on. Move on. Yeah. Just like anything else,

take a chance. Yeah, and it makes you stronger. So I am very proud of her for doing it. Yeah, spelling bees are weird. Like now in this day and age, you don't really need to know how to spell anything. So it's kind of is. Right.

It's kind of obsolete. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's a very interesting point. I mean, I guess you should know how to spell like a few words just for time purposes. Right. So you don't have to use autocorrect on every single word. Like, like, if,

you're sending a text. Yeah, totally. No, it is, it's a good, it's a good thing to know how to do. And it's, it's just a, it's the grit thing. It's like learning something, practicing something, trying hard at something and doing it even when you don't feel like it or when it's frustrating. So all good stuff. That's interesting. There used to be, probably so many more typos back in the day. Oh, yeah. And the typewriter. And then you had to like erase it, go back, erase the word. You wouldn't even know that you spelled it wrong. It's true. Again, I'm proud of Maddie. I'll have to give her a call and tell her how proud I am. Aw, yeah, she would like that. And inventory is not an embarrassing one. She could have gotten way more embarrassing out. Totally. I agree. She made it pretty far where the words were getting a little more challenging. So I'm proud of her. Let's get into our episode. We have a voicemail. It's at 646363-6294. Or you can email us over sharing at betches.com. I will read.

today's overshare. All right. Let's do it. Let's do it. All right. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. This is my favorite podcast and I look forward to listening to it every week. I'm having a problem with my mom and would love some advice. After six years of being unhappy in my old career, I recently switched to a new profession.

I'm so much happier and still making good money despite taking a bit of a pay cut when I changed industries. The pay cut was not substantial and we found ways to make up for it. I just paid off my car and no longer have a monthly payment. We moved into a cheaper apartment. and the best part, my husband got a new job that makes up for the difference in my salary. We've gone through every aspect of our finances to make sure I could afford to change jobs, and everything works out great.

My mom seems to be somewhat triggered by this switch and is constantly panicking about our finances because of the pay cut. Every time I see her, she makes a snide comment about how I'm choosing to spend my money now that I'm making less. Small things like, can't you just do your nails at home? Or, oh, you went out to the expensive bar downtown? I'm getting really tired of the constant judgment as we can't seem to have a single conversation without it. I also can't help but think about the fact that when she was my age, she quit working

to raise me. I'm very thankful she was able to stay home with me full time, but isn't it a bit hypocritical that she chose to lose her income entirely while judging me for taking a small cut? We're both just trying to do something we're passionate about. Her passion was having kids and mine is a new job. I used to share everything with my mom and now I find myself not telling her about my life at a fear she will criticize it. Anytime I try to have a conversation about how this affects me, she brushes it off saying that our generations are just different when it comes to spending money. What can I say to get her to recognize that I want to have a genuine conversation about this? I want her to understand that these comments are hurtful and hypocritical, even if she sees

them as innocent. I want to be able to talk about this so that we can move forward with the relationship we used to have. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thanks for all you do. A money-making betch, unlike my mom when she was 30. Like some people. Right. I think the big issue for her here is that, and I get this, she feels like the criticism is affecting her relationship with her mother. Like she's going to choose not to share things with her. These little comments that don't feel like a big deal to the mom are actually changing the climate of their relationship, which is the big issue.

She's not saying anything about issues they've had before this. It really seems like it's just. this particular thing, which is kind of rare. I feel like usually when someone says this kind of annoying thing, like they say annoying things a lot about other things. Right. Right. Like this is just coming out of nowhere.

Yeah. So she makes it seem pretty isolated. So I wonder what it is about this particular topic that her mom feels so intensely about. Yeah. It is, I'm sure there's something there about, because we're all sort of, you know,

have narcissistic tendencies to some extent. So she's probably. thinking about what she was doing at that age. And maybe it's more about a judgment of like, you're not saving to have children or you're not going to be prepared to have children or something about her expectation that she should, you know, live the same life that she did.

Or, I mean, I think there could be so much here that we don't have enough background. But maybe she felt like she didn't have an income and that she felt insecure in not having her own income when she was young and feeling afraid for her daughter, not being able to support herself or maybe there's a little bit of a feeling of like you know I think a lot of parents have like you know they feel their children's accomplishments maybe like vicariously through them and maybe the mom was more invested in I don't know what role she used to have or what role she currently has maybe the other role she felt was like something that gave the mom more pride or

something. So maybe she was maybe she's disappointed that she's maybe taking a role that's less vigorous because, you know, she felt like that was something she wanted for her. Like I could say, I see that a lot with like parents whose kids, you know, they were going to become doctors. Then they go through it and they like, once they see how much work it is and how annoying it is, they're kind of like, I'm going to do something else. And the parents have this vision of like it kind of feels like it says something about them. Right. Yes. I see that a lot where people, do, you know, once you've kind of reached whatever goals you might have, a lot of that gets projected onto your kids for like what goals are they going to reach. And it is, you know,

some parents do see that as like a measure of their own worth. It's like what type of child, how successful of a child did I raise. Right. And maybe she's making it about the money, but it's, because it's kind of, it feels kind of icky to be like, yeah, I wanted you to have the better job because I liked saying that my daughter had this higher paying better job. Totally. And that brings up, I think, something that is really important, which is, you know, when you're, when you're a parent, it's sort of like, what do you really want for your child? Do you want them to be happy or do you want them to be, it's like the secure, have the security?

And I think a lot of people prefer that their children be secure and also perhaps be doing something that you can brag to your friends about or, you know, doing something that feels like it's a good look versus my kid is just happy. They have maybe a little bit less, but they're happy. So this might have been triggering to her for that reason, like an identity image thing. We don't have the background of what the other job was or what this job is. But I think there's something to that. And I think she should share with her mother that like I know that I've tried to talk to you about these comments and you don't seem to be taking it seriously, but it makes me not want to share things with you and it's making me feel distant from you. So we need to talk about

this in a real way. I'm happier now and that should be what's most important to you. Right. I think the only time someone can comment on your spending is if they are paying for it. Yes. So it'd be like, unless you come to, unless I would, I can understand if she did that. She took this pay cut and then she's like, mom can I borrow some money. I like to get my nails done. Yes. Sure. I can see why don't you do that at home.

Right. Or do you need to go to that bar? If she's not involving her in the finances in any other way, then I could, I think that's a boundary issue. Yes. It's a boundary issue. And you always say it's like a trust thing. It's like her mother doesn't trust her, this criticism or, you know, not involving yourself

in someone else's life and their own decisions. is like, I don't trust you to handle this yourself. So by her criticizing what bars she's going to or how often she's getting her nails done, she's saying, like, I don't think you have your financial situation together. And sounds like she does. She thinks she does. So that's a big factor.

I totally agree. I think unless she's asking her for money, this is like an imaginary fear that the mother has. I imagine that you will not be okay down the road because of this. I mean, yeah, I think that's the kindest explanation for it of the mother that she actually is scared

that she's not going to have any money. For some reason, my mind goes to like alternate reasons why she's being annoying about this that don't really have to do with the money. Like jealousy. I think that if she, yeah, if it's truly like she cares about her financial security, that's one thing,

even though there's like, it seems like she's given her a lot of evidence to the contrary. Part of me thinks it's that. Part of me thinks it's like maybe the mom advised her not to take this job cut and she did it anyway. And she wants her to like pay the price. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. And I get like that's sort of like the worst version of this. I don't know her mom well enough to say. But for some reason I had some like devious thoughts about like why her mom would be doing this. Yeah. I think that that's definitely possible.

So for the listener, here are the here are the evil reasons why your mom might be doing this. One, you didn't listen to her and she wants you to pay for it. too, I think people don't like this, but it's a very real thing as parents that are jealous of their children. Yeah. Which is, it's a sad feeling. I mean, my children are little.

I couldn't imagine feeling jealous of them, but I think that does happen. And I see that in my patience a lot. And I think it might be like, well, I'm not getting my nails done and I'm not going to an expensive bar. And I would like to do those things, but I'm being responsible. So I'm not doing those types of things. or I'm not spending money trying to save for this, that, or the other thing. So there might be some jealousy.

I guess there is the kinder reason of like she's concerned for you. But whatever it is, if it's making you feel distant, I do think you have to kind of, and you've tried to bring it up, give the consequences of her continuing to me. And it could be any type of criticism. I think a lot of people struggle with their parents being critical of their choices and their decisions. and I think if they knew that it was making you, like I talked to a lot of patients that don't tell their parents anything about their dating life.

Like whether they want on a first date or they want on a fourth date, like they don't tell their parents unless they like have a significant other. Yeah. Well, isn't that because they don't want to tell them if it doesn't work out? Yeah. And I think there's an aspect of like the parent then tries to figure out what's wrong with them, what they did wrong, why it's not working out. Well, maybe it's because you cut your hair or maybe it's because you, you know,

you're too outgoing or you're too shy or you're, you know, I think it. Too much commentary. It opens up a floodgate for comments on why this thing isn't working out or why this person didn't want to date you or you're too picky or why you didn't like this person. What's wrong? You know, so I think that's part of it too is like you don't want to hear everyone's opinions about why a date. did or didn't work out.

So I think if parents knew, yes, if they knew that it's making your child not want to tell you things, they'd probably just hush up a little bit. Agreed. Yeah, I think that's a good, because you can't really, again, if she has some sort of complex that is making her say all these comments, that's not something you're going to fix.

The only thing you can do is create your own boundaries around how close you're going to be with someone who's doing it. And then she, if that bothers her enough, she'll figure it out. Right. And look, I think as people start to individuate from their parents, have a significant other, get married, start their own life. There are these moments where it creates like a shift in the parent-child dynamic where I hope that you can talk to her and you guys can get back to feeling close again.

But sometimes that's what happens is you do start to have to, you know, pick and choose what you share if you're getting too much commentary. Harry and maybe she's a little bored and projecting her ego onto you. That's the other option, evil option, is that like she wants you to present an image for her. But if that's the case, like you said, you can't change it. I hope this doesn't happen. But if it does, you may just have to accept kind of like the new normal, which is that she has too much invested in the outcome of your life that she's having a hard time. just sitting back and watching your life unfold and being supportive. Worth a,

conversation and then a cutoff as well. All right, let's do a voicemail. We have a betcha-sist voicemail. Love these. Let's roll the tape. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. Thank you so much for everything you do. I'm the biggest fan of the podcast.

I'm calling in with an oversharing slash trigger that has to deal with my sister who is eight years older than me. I don't know anyone else to sister significantly different in AIDS than me or than them, so I'm really hoping that you too will be able to help. For context, I grew up in a very dysfunctional household involving alcoholism, narcissism, and borderline personality disorder between both parents. Because of this, my sister, who is the oldest, often took on the parental role, and feels as though she raised my brother and I.

I've always looked up to her as a role model. It's been hard for us to ever act as just sisters because we were never really going through the same thing at the same time. Rather, she's always acted as more of a parental guidance. With all that in mind and knowing the lack of support I get from my parents, my sister has always, always been there for me. Except for this one time. Nine years ago, my sister's boyfriend, who is now her husband and father of their kids, gifted her a trip to Greece for Christmas.

For some reason, because of ticket costs or tourist trends or something, they had to go on this trip to the exact week of my high school graduation the following spring. I went to a somewhat prestigious boarding school that was not easy to get accepted in to or graduate from. They were both fully aware of my graduation date when they finalized this trip. I talked to her about it multiple times over the phone, yet after every conversation, no matter how much I expressed how sad I would be without her there, she refused to consider another time. Unfortunately, also around this time, our cousin was going through a nasty divorce, which split our family up, and even my own aunts and grandparents had issues with coming to my

graduation. So it was not to support our side of the family, even though I personally did absolutely nothing. So my sister and her then boyfriend went on their trip. I tried to talk about it with her sometime after, but every time she acted super offended and defensive as why I was so hurt, and we never talked about it again. I honestly would be pretty embarrassed to bring it up to her today. I know this seems kind of stupid, and I should be over this by now, but it's been nine years, and it obviously still triggers me and still weighs heavily in my mind and heart. Maybe because I was required to always attend all of her and my brother's events, I thought the same thing would happen from my events by the time they happened. I try not to take the unequal attention of my

parents that they pay to all three of their children personally, but it's hard not to feel hurt when your older sister just can't be bothered to attend her little sister's graduation. Have either of you gone through something similar with each other or another sibling? How do you not take something so personally? How do I get over this and stop feeling triggered? Thank you so much. I'm really looking forward to hearing from you both. Sincerely, high school never ends. Wow, nine-year resentment. Oh, she's, well, look, I, I think she came to the right place. I, I kind of get the vibe of what's, you know, what's happening or perhaps what was happening

for her sister. It doesn't mean that they can't talk about it now, but she had the trifect of alcoholism, borderline personality disorder, and there was one other thing in there. My hunch is, the sister got to the point where she found a person that, was like, I guess, her fiance at the time and was probably really excited to kind of get an external outlet to escape from this family and the, you know, the role that she had to play, which was like a second mother to kids that were not hers, that were her siblings. And he bought her a trip to Greece and she was like, I'm doing me. I'm going to Greece. This is my chance.

I've been a parent. I've been a mother. I've had a lot of more responsibility than what I want. And now what I want is to go to Greece with my boyfriend. And I think it was a little bit of a selfish move in some ways. They probably could have found another time to do it. But I think she also was just kind of like, this is what I feel like doing and I'm doing it. I mean, it's not her wedding. Right. Yeah.

I don't know. I think I might have gone to Greece too. Yeah, you would have gone. You would have gone to Greece. I think I would have gone to Greece. I mean, maybe it's. because we have so many siblings too. I think there's a sense of,

and it sucks, I mean, I guess, I understand where she's like, you don't feel like special. Like, no, it's not a priority for people that all the aunts and uncles aren't coming in the same way they were. I totally validate why she would feel bad about it. But like you said,

I think the sister has her own life to live. She's like there for her and other, and it sounds like a lot of other small, really meaningful ways constantly. I would let it go if I were her. Or like if she really wants, like, what is she going to do about it at this point? Yeah, I mean, I get it. I wish that the sister would have been more honest.

Like, I think the problem is that they haven't been able to have a real conversation with the sister, especially now, almost a decade later, for the older sister to be able to say, you know what, you're right. I just wanted to do my thing. I was tired of feeling like I had to be the parental figure that picked up all the pieces all the time when all these adults were like, you know, drinking and going crazy and not being there for you. And I just wanted to escape to Greece with my boyfriend and I didn't want to have to pretend that I was a parent. So I think it was kind of she probably reached a point, a breaking point and just because it would have been easy enough to say, hey, boyfriend, this weekend's my sister. High School graduation, can we do it the weekend before, the weekend after, literally any other weekend

besides this weekend. So I could see why she feels kind of like it was a, you know, it was like a gut punch to kind of not give it any weight and not make any effort to change it. And I do think there was probably, and I don't know how emotionally aware this older sister is, but I think if she could look back, there was probably some subconscious rebellion here happening of just like, I'm not going to be this person anymore. I'm starting my new life. I've met my husband. I'm going to start a new life with this person and I'm not going to be the, you know, pseudo matriarch of this family anymore. Especially maybe with the like sort of symbolic nature of like, okay, she's graduating. She's an adult now. Right. I could definitely see that. I think it would be great.

if the sister could like own it, especially because it's so long ago and just be like, yeah, I'm really, I think it would take, I'm really sorry that that hurt you. I feel terrible that you're thinking about this nine years later. This is where I was at at that point.

It's almost like we spoke about a few weeks ago, the idea of like forgiving your former self and not having to defend so fiercely yourself from nine years ago. And if the sister could just say, yeah, I was, you know, what is it? I was in a selfish face.

Is that like from, I was going through a selfish phase. I guess it's selfish in that way. I guess I don't know how hard it was to, would be to change the dates, but I don't know. If you ever said to me, ever, and maybe it's just because you're not needy like this, but if you ever said to me, I'm having this thing,

I'm really sad that you're not going to be there. It would mean so much to me if you could come to this, and so and grandma and grandpa and whoever in this person are not going to be there. I'd really appreciate if you could come. Like, I would definitely come. Yeah, no, I mean, but yeah, I guess if I said that, I don't even remember if all of our siblings were at my high school graduation. You wouldn't care.

But I, and this is why I think this is an issue because I think the sister resented her neediness, perhaps, and was like, rebelling against it. Like, I think right now you're kind of saying, like, you wouldn't necessarily need to be there or you wouldn't care. and maybe that's also kind of like a way of being like I don't this isn't my job this isn't my like responsibility and I think that's how the sister ended up feeling at some point yeah no that's a good point and I mean it's yeah it sounds like there's like you said something around that time period that it would be good for them to flesh out right I don't think this is something you can't come back from it sounds like she's been thinking about it for a really long time Yes. And she says she's embarrassed to bring it up again. And I get that because it's kind of like, oh my gosh, you're still thinking about your high school graduation. Let it go. I mean, maybe you should have, I would think that. I wouldn't say that if I were the sister. Right. I get it. There would be my initial instinct, I think. I think if someone brought, if you had a fight with someone nine years ago and then they brought it up now, I think your initial gut thought might be. This is probably better. This is one where I would actually suggest maybe better to text it.

Because it lets the person sort of like think about it and internalize it. Because my initial reaction if someone brought something up in person or on the phone might be like, really? Right. Right. Which wouldn't feel great. Right. Although I just, I think the way this sister has responded in the past,

I don't know if text is going to be great. I think she has to, it's worth a try. But the only way that she's going to feel really better about this without just like do with the involvement of her sister is if her sister's like you know what let me tell you where my head was at at that time right and is honest about how she was feeling and what she was going through and if not if she gets defensive and just as like are you seriously still talking about this like that's not going to feel great well i think she would do that if she just comes out with it like i want to talk about the graduation right she comes out with like exactly how she said it to us

I'm a little embarrassed to admit this, but I still think about that. Yes. And it's still something, I don't know why, it's still something that kind of like hurts my feelings whenever I think about it. I'd love to put it to bed. Can we talk about it? Beautiful. Love that.

Yeah. That's great because you're still thinking about it. It's your sister. The worst thing that happens is she continues her defensive line of like, well, it was cheaper at that time. And so that was the most convenient time for us to go. and she doesn't kind of own up to, and maybe she's not aware of any subconscious motives, but I'm pretty sure she was probably like, I'm done being the mother here.

I'm going to Greece. I'm not responsible for you and all these crazy people. I'm out. And if she could admit that, I think this listener would probably feel a little better about it, just knowing that she's kind of acknowledged it. But other than that, there's obviously nothing she can do about it. And if she's being a good sister to you now and being there for you. and supportive, then it really doesn't matter, but maybe there's still more to it.

Otherwise, you might be like, okay, that was just what you, or you could just assume that that's what was happening and move on as a result. It's an interesting bar for closeness, though, is the high school graduation attendance. Yeah. I'm trying to think, what would I go to? What would I not? Yeah. Well, you know what?

I think sometimes in high school at that age, it can be like a little embarrassing. Like I was just talking to someone who was saying like There's so, you know, so and so has so many people going to their graduation And I only have so many people coming to my graduation. Like I think it sort of feels embarrassing. If it's like you're the kid that just says like, you know, your mom and dad And everybody else is taking pictures with like seven or eight big family members And it feels like a whole big special thing.

And kids are sensitive at that age too. No, that makes sense. And maybe the sister was all. also a nice buffer if her other family members were like a little crazy. She wanted one normal person there to lean on. I could see that. I'm not like I don't, I'm not saying she shouldn't feel bad about it. I'm just saying I would go to Greece.

No, I might not. If someone, if she said that to me, it would really mean a lot to me. Yeah. I could see why she's upset. I think she's holding onto it for maybe she feels like since then the sister has taken a turn away from being that like maybe it's not just. about that graduation, but that graduation was like a marker of her sister's disengaging in being her surrogate parent.

That's very possible. Starting her own family. So maybe it was more of like, this wasn't this occasion, but this occasion is like, has changed the tone. What if I was graduating from a, for a doctorate or a master's degree and you had a trip to Greece? No, I probably wouldn't go. But if you came to me and said, like, this is really. really important to me. I've worked really hard on this. Like I would definitely if I,

if any of my family members came to me and said this is, and said about anything, right. It's more about them coming to. Unless I thought it was like manipulative, which I wouldn't, you know, could happen. If I felt like it was genuine, then I would, I would do it. If it was really no, I don't know, whatever it is, an extra $100 a ticket on a plane, I don't know what that priced it. I mean, maybe it really was like a $5,000 difference in price in the trip. I have no idea. Let's say it was $5,000 difference in the price.

Yeah, then don't go. Yeah. I mean, that's, I'm saying. Maybe it was just like a huge thing. And she was like, I'll take you to dinner when I get back. Yeah. Look, I think if that's a huge, you know, if that's really what it boils down to,

I have a feeling that it wasn't just based on the history. But it could have been just as simple as, yeah, it's really like a huge amount of more. money for me to go, but I couldn't imagine that they couldn't find a single other time that wouldn't have been reasonably priced. But I guess it's possible. Let us know how this goes. Yeah, for sure. Let's do some intentions. Do you want to read them? Yeah, I'll read this. Hi, ladies. I would love help sending some intentions. My roommate and I have been friends for the past two years or so, and she moved in with me about four months ago. We click in a lot of ways

and I always look forward to coming home to her. She's a breath of fresh air, especially since my last for me and I barely had a relationship at all. Recently, she started seeing a guy. I think they're just quote, talking now and not yet official. Despite this, I find myself in a panic and slight spiral every time she mentions going out with him or talks about him. Because of her religious beliefs, her and her friends tend to be what I call marriage forward, meaning they see marriage kids and settling down straight out of college as a major milestone and goal. My roommate has expressed that she seems to feel behind or at least feel bad that she hasn't had a steady relationship in the last few years. So now I'm fearful that her feeling behind coupled with a guy who seems to check her boxes off

very well will mean that I'm at risk for losing my friend as a roommate. I know that this is selfish. I hate feeling this way. I want to be so happy and supportive of them no matter what ends up happening. I also know it seems wild because they've just started dating, but you never know. So I would love some intentions to tell myself when I feel fearful, of losing her. I want to be there for her, even though I love living with her and don't want that to change anytime soon. Thank you. I like this one because I think a lot of people feel this,

but they don't, they feel like they can't admit it. Totally. Even if you're not a roommate, just kind of like if you're two single best friends and somebody gets a boyfriend. Oh my God. Our nanny, when I was a kid, when she would get a boyfriend, I would like freak out. Oh, I was like so upset. When she talked about it, I would like start crying. I remember being like devastated. I just like didn't want her to leave. Oh.

Like you knew at the time like you thought, okay, if she gets a boyfriend, she might get married. If she gets married, she might leave. I think I, I guess I must have put that together because it was like very upsetting to me. Right. Have other priorities start her own family kind of thing. Yeah, which is funny now that I think about it. But even as with a roommate, I think I agree. like having you heard two single roommates and one of them starts like seeing someone.

I think there's like a little feeling of maybe a jealousy and then a fear of like, oh my God, it's just going to be me. Yes. I hear this all the time because it's the roommates also privy to like the entire relationship and how it's unfolding and the pace of unfolding. And every time they're not home or they sleep out, you're kind of like now home alone. Right. Or if the boyfriend's there, you get to see how they're interacting, how often they're on the phone.

Like you're seeing the entire thing and like have your finger on the pulse of the pace of this relationship. How many days a week are they spending together? I do think that this is a sign to listen to if she's so anxious about it that might clue her in into like how invested she is in this relationship with the roommate as one part of it. Right. to like slow her role a little bit like she's too dependent right i think sometimes if you have like that kind of like kind of like me with the nanny like you're a little too dependent on someone if there's like if if if them having another person in their life like freaks you out very true yeah that is true and it's hard because like i think she had a bad roommate situation and now she

has a good roommate situation and probably feels very thankful for that but you're also kind of ruining it by hyper-focusing on this boyfriend situation where right now you have a great roommate. You look forward to coming home to her. Right now, that's all great. But I do agree that another added piece to it might be like, I need to make sure that I'm fostering other friendships, that I'm paying attention to other people, that I'm finding hobbies and filling time. So in this period where they're dating, and maybe there's nights where she's not home,

or she's spending the day with him, those are your times where you can, you know, really start to lean into something separate. I think that's great advice. But not to say, I mean, one of the parts of the intention that I wrote for her

was just helping her appreciate what she has while she has it. And not spending the whole time being jealous or fearful of losing it. Because right now it sounds pretty great. You guys got along. I mean, roommates are hard. It's hard to, a lot of times, be roommates with your friends because there are these little, well, you said, we were going to go out,

but now you're going out with him or, you know, now I'm all alone. And, you know, right now she's still there, at least the majority of the time, it sounds like. So. Yeah. And I do think it's hard. I think we've talked about this with other stuff. It's hard to be like so happy for someone when you kind of like want the, I don't should say, she's not really saying it's because she wants the same thing. But I feel like there's probably something in there that's like a little bit jealous. and she wants the same thing maybe although again she doesn't say that and if that's not the case that's like a strength for her to kind of be like I'm not it's not even that I want a boyfriend I just want you know I just don't want you to move out right I want things to say the same I want

things things to stay the same and like you know spoiler alert they're not at some point she's going to move out right whether it's a year from now or two years or two yeah a year from now or two years from now, this is going to end at some point and you're going to have to shift and move. And the only thing you can do is kind of appreciate what you have now. And this is for literally everything in life. Nothing's going to ever stay the same. So whether it's like, oh, I, you know, I hope that we, that I keep this job. I love my job. I'm afraid of losing my job. It's like, well, you have it now. So show up every day, be appreciative of that you have this job that you love enough to be afraid to lose it. So the intention that I wrote, which I think is

something that people can use for anything and something just for her to keep in mind, is anything I love enough to fear to lose deserves my grateful rather than fearful presence. I love that. People are afraid. I get people that are afraid when they're, husband travels for work. Like, and the whole time they're away, they're like panicked and calling and stressing and asking a million questions. And then when they come home, they're worrying about when they're going to leave again. And it's sort of like, then you're just not really even present with this thing that

you are so, so filled with love over, but you're missing it because you're so, you know, turns to fear. I like that intention. Yeah. Good for anything that you're afraid to lose. Yeah. And it's so tempting to be like, this. It's the same way we're like seeking all the time.

Like I want more. I want the next thing. We're also like clinging. So it's very hard to break out of this trance of seeking and clinging and seeking and clinging. And just kind of right now I have this thing. I'm going to fill it with gratitude and mindful presence and accept that it's going to go away at some point. it all is well that's meditation i guess right yeah lean into that and like being in the present very difficult practice but yeah just catching your mind as you meditate what you're doing is you're

catching your mind seeking and clinging seeking i want something different but i want to keep the stuff i have that i like but i also want the next thing and that's where we spend way too much of our time if we can just kind of accept what is right now, but like also accept that it's not going to be here forever and breathe and that's okay and, you know, kind of sink into our resilience that I will be okay. You will be okay when she leaves. You're going to be okay. Just, you know, pray for a breakup. I'm just kidding. And that, well, so that's the thing that I'm, happy just before we wrap up this email, because I'm glad you said that, I'm glad that she's self-aware enough to realize what's happening here because what you don't want to happen is

have this like slow seepage of like resentment. Then you start like trashing the boyfriend or making comments about like things you don't like about him or like silently sabotaging the relationship. And that's the worst thing because that just turns you into not a good friend. It's going to break you guys apart. It's going to disconnect you. So I'm glad you're aware that you're having these feelings. So you can keep them in check so you're not like hating on her and her relationship. And I see this all the time where it's like just turns into this bitterness, which is the worst. Yeah. And it's, I mean, I think it's a very tough thing to be like ridiculously supportive of something again that you're not, doesn't necessarily seem like it's in your best interest. But if you can figure that out,

like that will create a really long lasting friendship. Totally. And it's going to happen. Like, you're going to have moments where she tells you that she's, you know, hanging out with the boyfriend that night or whatever and you're going to just be home alone and you're sort of like going to have that moment of like, oh, this sucks. But just do nothing. Do nothing. Don't try to convince her. Don't try to make a comment. Don't watch that feeling in your body. Okay, I'm feeling jealous. I'm feeling irritated, I'm feeling scared, whatever it is that you're feeling, allow it, and then move on once the feeling has passed through. I read something, a study, it was interesting, it said something like most emotions, and I've talked about this on here before, but it was

actually a scientific study talking about most emotions will move through the nervous system in the body in like a minute and a half. If it's just the emotion in the body and your nervous system, like, handling an emotion. Like almost if you... That's not bad. It's not bad. But what happens is we start ruminating. Right.

And then it makes it take much longer. Like if you almost step out into the street and you almost get hit by a car, right? And you have that, like, I start sweating, like my heart's racing, you know, whatever that feeling is. And you just stand on the curb. and breathe for a second, that will pass probably way shorter even than a minute and a half. If then you start thinking, oh my gosh, what if that happens again? What if I step out into the curb again? And the next time I do get hit by a curve.

Now you're taking that 30 seconds that it took for your body to recover. And now you're stretching it out. And it could take you like all day to recover. Well, how do you not stretch it out? You have to consciously turn away from your mind and your things. thoughts and just let it be let your body handle it because it is it's happening in your body like feel your feelings yes turn it in where do I feel this I feel in my chest I feel tightness I feel like I'm sweating under my armpits like what is this physiological reaction and just letting it be in your body

and accepting it okay this is normal this is okay it's normal that I'm jealous of my roommate or it's normal that I'm afraid maybe I don't even know if it's jealousy here but like that I'm afraid of losing this relationship. That's okay. It's okay to feel this way. It's okay to be afraid. How do I know I'm afraid? But what we do is feel like it's not okay to be afraid.

So then we start saying, well, it's because she was supposed to watch that movie with me, but then she watched it with him. So that's why she's bad and that's why it's okay for me to feel this way because she did a wrong thing. Instead of saying, like, I don't need to explain this. I just feel bad.

I don't need to like create a story. And then I'm going to call my other friend and tell her the story about how we were supposed to watch that together, but she watched it with him instead. And now, you know, now you're like taking this thing. Right. Now you're like layers of drama. Yes. Stretching it out.

So the goal is to be that, Zen. It takes really, I know it sounds hard and it is hard. I'm not taking away that it's hard. The pause is the most important part. Like creating that pause. to say like how do I want to do this differently and coming back to you know perhaps an intention that you have ready in your mind like this relationship is great this roommate situation is great this deserves my grateful presence rather than my fearful presence but within that allow the fear

to move through your body because that's you can't that's okay so just let it live but don't do anything about it. Let us know if they get married. Keep us posted. Let's do some triggers. I'll read the first one. Hi, Jordana and Naomi. I'm writing in because yesterday my husband and I had friends over and had two different points throughout the day. I was talking with our friend, let's call him Ben, and my husband. Ben had just started dating a woman that he really seemed to like that we have not yet met. He was talking about her and describing her saying she was 5'1, then looked at me and asked, How tall are you? I said, I'm 5-1.

Ben then said, oh, she's 5-1, but like tiny, like 90 pounds. Like I could pick her up with one hand. I was like, oh, nice. And I kept the conversation moving. Congratulations. Later in the night, we found ourselves in the same conversation. He literally said the same thing, asking me how tall I was and going on about how tiny and petite and perfect this woman is.

In the same breath, asking about my height and then talking about how she's the same height, but like tiny. It was just Ben, my husband and I in the conversation. And after Ben made these comments, my husband said, oh, that's perfect. Ben left our house as the night was over and I brought it up to my husband that I felt uncomfortable with the conversation and did not appreciate him not recognizing that, or even shutting it down and contributing to it the second time. I'm trying to not let my emotions get the best of me and understand our friend Ben had been drinking. And my husband explained that when he said, oh, that's perfect, he was just saying like, oh, yeah, 5-1 is perfect. It's the next day. It's the next day. and I still feel upset about this, though.

I want to be able to support and be excited for my friends when they meet someone they're excited about, but I felt like I was being compared to her, which made me feel so uncomfortable and now sad. I'm happy with my body, but I'm also not stick thin. I have some great curves, but I have certainly at different times throughout my life wished I was skinnier. Should I be triggered by this, or am I bringing my own issues into it? Knowing this is how my friend Ben looks and compares me to other women, how do I just move on

with him? And when Ben starts to introduce this new woman to his friends, how do I keep this conversation out of my head and just focus on really meeting her and welcoming her to her group? Should I let go of how I felt somewhat betrayed by my husband for not being able to recognize and acknowledge how uncomfortable the conversation was making me? Thank you guys for listening to me. Love, compare me not. Yeah, this is triggering.

I think just her husband's use of the word perfect. Perfect. Yeah. Was probably triggering. I could see that. And this email, I think a lot of women, for some reason, I guess media and whatever, feel like for men, it's like the thinner, the better. And I don't think that's the case, but this conversation makes it feel like that. Like, oh, she's tiny.

And that's like you, but tiny. But tiny. Right. Perfect. Right. Yes. That's exactly the voice in her head, which makes this super trigger. I can see that, but I do think that, like, that's not the case.

I don't think most men want, like, super thin woman. They want a woman that is, you know, in shape and healthy and fit. I don't think it's, like, the smaller, the better, but this almost makes it feel like it's the smaller, the better. But I wish women realize that. I mean, I talk to men all the time that are just, like, you know, also feel like there's such a thing as, too thin or that they like a curvy woman or that they like someone, you know, totally. Yeah.

So maybe his particular preference is, you know, someone who's teeny tiny. That's this person's particular preference that they want someone who's 90 pounds. Okay, that's this one person. Your husband obviously doesn't or he wouldn't have picked you. Right. Yeah. I guess like what else would the husband have said in that moment? Yeah, it was awkward conversation.

Yeah, I could see why he was just like, yeah, that's great. Like, I don't know. Like, what would he say? Like, well, my wife's perfect. Like, that would sound weird too. Totally. I don't know. The friend put your husband in an awkward situation.

I don't think he did anything wrong, but I think, and he was just probably trying to, you know, it's almost like if he said, oh, I went to, you know, borough, borough, borough. We had a, you know, a dinner at sunset on the beach. She said, oh, that's perfect. like right it's just what else is he gonna say you know yeah no I totally I agree I don't think the husband did anything that wrong and I think the guy like just doesn't again is just like excited does is not thinking about it's not really like it seems like obviously it seems like he's directly comparing her to you because he kind of is because he said he's just like you separate um but I don't think that like

that's in his mind because if I imagine if it was he wouldn't say it if he's your friend and otherwise like a normal person. Right. Totally. Yeah, I don't think he was thinking about you at all. And I think in his mind, he'll, for whatever reason, I'm sure he has his own insecurities about whatever his stuff is that makes him in a mindset that like teeny tiny is ideal for him for whatever reason. If I were her, I would have almost just made like a little joke about it the second time he said it. Right. I'd been like, all right, Ben. I get it. She's half my size. Right. Dorable.

And like I wouldn't say like an aggressive way. I would just be like, all right. Like yeah. Very like me. But then. Right. Thank you. Yeah.

Totally. I agree. I think I get why you're triggered. And I think with your husband, you might be able to just share with him that you were triggered, but not in like a you did something wrong kind of way. Because I don't think he was put in an awkward position. Right. What are you supposed to say?

Way to go, man. Great job. like what is he supposed to say? I think it's more awkward for the friend who probably the next day when he was sober realized he was like probably going on about this thing that no one else cared about. No one cared about it. Especially if no one has met her. Right.

So I think you could mention it to your husband in just like a way that you're sharing with him but not in a way of like you know, you betrayed me by saying that. I get the triggered but he didn't betray you. I think he was just trying to get out of sort of an awkward. conversation. I agree. And I think it would almost be like more embarrassing for him too. Like if I think if he was like almost like defending his wife, I think it would almost

be like more embarrassing for her. Yeah. Like now this is like a big conversation about who's girlfriend's hotter or something. Right. If I were in the reverse situation, I had a female friend that was talking about a guy she was seeing who's like so built or whatever. I would just, I think I would just like change the subject. I wouldn't make it like a.

about a reflection on my own husband. Yeah, when you say it that way, it is true. It just makes it sound like so obnoxious and ridiculous. So yeah, he was being, he was making everyone uncomfortable with this conversation, like describing the body shape of his new girlfriend like twice. Triggering, agree. I don't think your husband did anything wrong. I don't think he was trying to hurt your feelings.

He was probably just like trying to get out of this conversation. I give it a five. I think. Maybe a six. I'll bump it up to a six because her husband did say, oh, that's perfect, which would annoy me. But he did say it. But I don't think that he meant that. Like that, oh, you know, I bet his new girlfriend is like perfect, more perfect.

I don't think he meant it, but I could see how it feels that way. I agree. I think he meant, oh, like great. Good for you. You know, like if someone's telling you about their new car and they tell you like a feature on the car, you don't really care about. You're like, oh, like, that's great. Yeah.

Like, I don't know. Totally. Or even I could see using the word perfect when someone's describing something awesome. You're like, oh, man, that's perfect. Yeah. So. All right. Well, don't start a war.

Yeah. But that is annoying. All right. Let's do another one. We have another voicemail. Awesome. Let's play it. Hi, ladies.

I love the pod. I'm also a U.S. listener, Plug City. So I had a trigger for you all. My mom, she's a little bit catty and not very nice sometimes. So a couple days ago, we were at dinner and you were sitting outside because I had my dog with me. And we were by the table that was by the valet. And a guy in a Lamborghini pulls up to valet his car.

And before he even got out of the car, my mom was like, I bet he lives in a $50,000 home and is driving that nice car. And I just kind of looked at her. I didn't really acknowledge the comment. And then a couple minutes later, he gets out of the car and she goes, I bet his whole yearly salary goes to that car. And I'm in therapy, so I was thinking to myself, okay, why is this triggering me so much? What is it about that comment is making me upset?

And then I started thinking, what about that is making, making her upset and why is she getting triggered. So I just wanted to hear your thoughts. How triggered should I be? Thank you. I can relate. I do think that when people are just like shit talking like that, it makes me uncomfortable because I'm sort of like you're probably doing that to me behind my back. Yeah, no, I can agree. This one seems like I almost, I feel like I think that more when it's people that we both know that they're talking about. Right. Then a total stranger.

This one's like kind of a stranger. To me, this just speaks to her mom's like deep insecurity about like her own possessions or finances or something like that. Because it's a, I don't know. I find it less offensive because it's a stranger. Like if someone were talking that way about like one of my friends or something that, someone that I knew,

I could see why I'd be like annoying. It'd be like, this is about, but I would immediately think like this is more about you. Yeah. Clearly. Yeah. This is definitely not something.

It's totally her issue. Because it's triggering her mom, clearly. Seeing this guy pull up in the car has triggered. It's like she was right. She's like, it's triggering to me to hear or talk about it. But why is she so triggered? Yes. Yeah, she has her some insecurity about her financial situation or maybe just feels like,

you know, hateful on someone who spends that much money. Whatever her, that's her mom's shit. I agree. And maybe it bothers her because she sort of is like, like, I want to like you, mom. Yeah. I don't want you to be a better person. Right.

I want you to be better than this. Like, why are you hating on this guy that just, you know, this is how he's, this is what he likes and this is what he bought. So I think that one is one factor could be that she's just like even sometimes my kids will do that and it annoys me. Like they'll go somewhere and they'll like. Even if they're punching up. what do you mean?

Because like this, the mom is punching up. Like this guy has a Ferrari or whatever it is. Like, so she probably feels like, oh, I can like make fun of him. Right, right.

You're not, right. You're not making fun of someone that's like, yeah, you know, disabled or something. Oh, right.

Or like, oh, that guy in that like shitty car like probably hasn't gotten a job. It doesn't have like a, whatever like, I don't know. It seems meaner when it's about

someone not doing well. Totally. But I think, and I'm thinking, about myself and like when my kids do this and it bought it I think it's sort of like it's that seeking to me it like indicates the seeking thing like if my kids go to someone's house they would use the word boogey they'd be like oh their house was so bougie like spell it new thing we definitely didn't use that word that when I was a kid spell it Maddie yeah which to them is like their

Their house is so, like, has so many nice things in it and is so, like, well put together and whatever. And I'm sort of like, we have enough. Like, you don't need to be hating on that. And it's almost like they do think they say it. They're hating on it or they're saying it in like a, like a, like, it's a really cool house. I don't know. I can't tell.

Sometimes it feels like it's a little bit. I don't think they're like super happy for the person. Like, I don't get the vibe that they're like, oh, I'm so happy for them. Like, their house is so bougie. Like, I think it's a. there's like, feels like there's a little bit of jealousy behind it. Yeah. So I think when that happens, I'm sort of like, we have plenty.

We have enough. Like, don't be seeking. So maybe with the ma, like almost when you're punching up, like you said, it feels like you're hating on something that you somehow want or wish you could have. And the idea that you're, I think just hating on people in general is not. a great quality. Like it doesn't, it's not a good look.

It's not like comedy shows. I agree to it. I think there's a difference to like hating. Like if someone were going to like point out something like astute and fun, it's almost like it's okay if the joke is really funny. Well, that's the thing, right? It's like if a lot of humor, like the mom might just be like,

oh, I'm trying to make you laugh or like, I'm trying to make a funny comment. And a lot of humor has a target. And there's somebody whose expense it's at to a certain extent. So people that are super serious and like the moral police of like don't hate on anybody and like they're probably not the funniest. You know? So it is it's a tough line to walk.

The line. I think there's a line of like again like what the I think the line is almost like if the person heard it, would they laugh too? Right. Well then most of the time the answer would be no. I think. I mean, but I think you could even push the line a little,

like most jokes that people make, you know, like even at the spelling beat today, Jeff's like whispering things in my ear, like little comments. And I'm like, can you stop? Like,

just be serious. Just watch the, you know, it reminded me of mom where it's like, you know, there's a comment. Like every, you can't just sit quietly and watch the show.

You have to like be trying. Well, mom will do that like during her kids' weddings. Right. It's like, I'm trying to watch the wedding. It's your kid. But yeah, I know what you mean. It's like sometimes it's like I want to enjoy something earnestly or I don't want to be like that in that mode. I think it's unrealistic to say like don't ever make a joke about anyone or make like a comment about anyone.

And I do think like I do think the guy with the Ferrari is not like the worst person. if you have this itch to be like a little bitchy. It's kind of like when you talk shit about like when you're watching Real Housewives or talking about like one of the women on the show, like you, well those people are like paid to be talked about like you said. But I think there's like a level of it that's okay. Yeah, I agree.

I think if you do have that shit talking itch, this is probably a perfect place to let it out. This guy is not listening. He's pulling up in a Lamborghini. it's a good opportunity to kind of spew a little bit of hate if that's something that's like you're in that mood if you're in that mood it's not the worst place to do it but um you know maybe she I could see if she's in a journey of healing and warmth and love energy she might not have been in the mood for that I would probably rate this on the triggered scale low like a three I would rate

it a three it seems like higher higher for her mom just seeing seeing someone in the car I mean And that's sort of like an issue of like seeing someone and having something nice triggers you. You've got like a lot bigger issues. Yes. That happens a lot. Totally. I'm sure there was something deeper. Maybe she dated a guy that had a car that was like a douchebag or whatever, you know,

whatever it is. I'm sure there might be something under it. But I get it. Sometimes I feel like, and I think it's because I'm a parent trying to raise like a child that's not always seeking more like jealous or whatever. But I get that idea of someone you love and care about and you want to see as a good person as just being like a hater feels kind of icky. Right.

I would just say to my mom, the mom, like, your forward focus is lovely, mom. It's okay. It's okay. Yeah. I'll have enough. That would probably annoy her so much that she would probably stop. She would find a different audience. Yes.

And we talked about this. When you want someone to stop being a gossip or, whatever, you just have to not really give them the reinforcement and they'll find another audience exactly. All right. Yeah, I think we can give this like a two or three. Yeah, but I can relate. So I will put that out there. I think we, uh, I think we help some people and, uh, that's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morelas Pico and Rebecca Souselmecad. Editing by Missileo Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Friedlander. Send your advice emails to

oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches