Oversharing - If Our Politics Are Different, Is The Relationship Doomed?

Episode Date: September 3, 2024

Today on Oversharing, Jordana and Dr. Naomi discuss the recent Atlantic article “The People Who Quit Dating” and how a seeking mindset can stop you from living your life to the fullest. Our Overshare comes from a Betch who wonders if contrasting political views are a dating dealbreaker. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a frustrated bridesmaid dealing with an impossible-to-please bride. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for a listener who feels jealous when comparing her relationship to her friend’s. And we’re feeling triggered by wedding invitations, and boyfriends who trick their vegetarian girlfriends into eating meat. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. And we are back.

Big recording day for us. Yes. We've got a lot going on. I love seeing your face a couple days in a row, busy day. But this is, you know, it's interesting. I think when we first log on, I'm like, okay, this is like a thing that I have to do. And then once I see your face and we kind of settle in, I feel like it's just a chat. So it's nice. It's relaxing.

That's true. I mean, we talked about this, I think last episode where it's like almost like you're like, oh, I have all this things to do. I can't wait until like I'm done with all the things I need to do. And like you kind of have like a negative outlook on your day. But then when you think about what you're actually doing, this is great. Yes. This is a perfect example. It's so true because I started at like 6.30 in the morning and then it had been like knocking stuff out all day. And this was just part of one of those things. It was like another thing. But I'm like, this is great. We're chilling. We're chatting. We're going to have some interesting conversations. You sent me something last night by text that I thought was really interesting place maybe for us to start and kind of see what I'm curious to see what the listeners think. And we didn't really chat. about it so we can chat about it now. Totally. So I came across an article probably in the Atlantic called The People Who Quit Dating. And it was an article just sort of having interviewed like five or

six people who just kind of like took themselves out of like the dating game. They decided to just like live their lives without people who are struggling with dating for like many years. They're on and off the apps. And they basically decide that they're going to like just take it out of the equation. Stop trying to find a partner. Yeah. And it really were, the article I thought was great and it was really insightful and there was a really interesting line that I sent you because I don't think you had access to the article.

So cheap. I don't subscribe. Okay. No, it's fine. It was, I'm on the Apple, Apple News for a trial. Oh, there you got another. Trying to get my money. Another 13 days left of all the information.

Exactly. Yes. A feeling like more well read than you. So one of the lines was growing up, most of us know, and I'll say who it's by, because I want to give credit to the author. It's by Faith Hill. I don't think it's like the Faith Hill, but maybe it is. I mean, it could be. It just said Faith Hill, but I feel like I would know if Faith Hill was writing for the Atlantic. But maybe she is. It's kind of a generic name that anyone could sort of have. Like it's not that unusual. Okay. Go ahead. Yeah. So the author of Faith Hill, they'll remember probably now.

Okay. Sure, it's growing up most of us know we may not snag our dream job or become famous, but a relationship, a family, a place to build a life together. Many of us are raised to see these things as the building blocks of a meaningful existence. It can be hard to accept that they are in birthrights. Without them, you may feel frozen in place, like you're waiting for something for someone. And I thought that was like a very powerful line to sort of describe anyone who's waiting for any sort of like life milestone, again, that you're sort of told from childhood is going to happen for you. That's not happening. Totally. And it is so true that all the other things, like, okay, when you're seven, you're like, I want to become a doctor. When you take your first biology

class, when you're a freshman, you're like, okay, maybe I'm going to switch that up. Maybe I don't have to become a doctor. Maybe I can become something else. Maybe I can, you know, figure out another path, but it does seem for a lot of people like, you know, marriage and children, a family feels like if that that's like a non-negotiable in terms of having a meaningful life. Well, it's kind of what's been like promised to you or what's been told will inevitably happen to you. So I can see why it would feel that way. And then I really like what this author was saying about how it feels without. it, like, you could just say, you know, okay, it's going to come one day. And she starts off,

the article even starts off by talking about a therapist who tells their patients, like, imagine you meet your partner in 10 years. You meet like your perfect partner in 10 years. What would you do with your life now? Like, how would you live your life now? Right. So it's kind of, I guess, going into what these people do when they decide to stop dating is kind of like taking, I guess that outlook and putting it into their real lives. But you don't actually know, you're not actually guaranteed any of these things. So it's a little harder than the exercise. Yes. Yes. Yes. In practice. It's true. Well, it's like anything we seek, and I say this to my patients all the time, if someone's unemployed, and it's like,

okay, well, once you get the job, then what are we going to talk about? And we're going to come up with something to talk about. And then once you meet the partner, then what are we going to talk about? So there is always this feeling, but there's something about, and it's the human connection. It's that idea of like, I need my safety person, my family, my core that kind of eliminates that fear that I'm going to, that there could be a chance that I am going to be alone. Like even if you have kind of a, a lot of people will stay in a very disqualification. functional relationship just because the fear of, at least they have like a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush kind of thing.

Like I have this person that there's a contract that says that they're never going to leave. And especially if you're a parent, that also feels like you're securing a family that you're always going to have. Yeah, your kid is not going to break up with you. Right. Right. Probably. And it does.

And I think the. way that we live our lives, like I'm just looking out the window and there's all these single family homes that all have these little families inside. And my kids see that that's what kind of happens all around. And if you're raised in a suburban area or that kind of thing, that's like just becomes sort of the thing that everyone automatically gets. And when you're not getting that, it feels like your whole entire life has to change the page and go directly into that space of like, I cannot move forward until I get this. Right. And that's promised. That feels like it was promised to you. It feels like it was like

given from the way, like what you've been told your whole life. Right. But I did think it was interesting because she talked about in the article how people, you know, like a reason people try so hard at dating and keep going is because there's this feeling of loneliness. And she was saying that she found in a lot of people who like decided to just not focus on dating to like that and then she made it clear that everyone who was focused, who's not focusing on it would be like open to it if it happened but wasn't going out of their way to secure it to happen actually felt less lonely because they kind of were then forced to like double down on other connections in their lives. Yes.

and make those connections deeper. They were, you know, spending more time with a parent that they might have, you know, had less time for friends that they, like the connections that they had with friendships. Totally. And I think, I don't know if we spoke about this on air, so forgive me if we did. But I was fascinated by the documentary around longevity

and the different blue zones in the world that provide, that there's like a high number of people that are living really, really long time. And the one that was the most fascinating wasn't like the small island off the coast of Italy where they're eating fresh fish and eating all these delicious. It was like this random little spot in California

where there was kind of like this religious group, but it was basically like a big senior center. It was basically just like a big YMCA, JCC, whatever your, you know, fancy is. And all these people just went there every day and had this sense of connection and belonging and community. And that's... Pickleball.

Pickle ball. Yeah. I mean, that's important. It's an active activity. Yes, that's what it was. It was connection. It was community, but it was like active connection and community. So it was like this special sauce of active lifestyle.

and a sense of belonging and spirituality. Those were like... And it wasn't necessarily like, they weren't, the people they were highlighting in those things were not talking even... They were talking about relationships with people who weren't related to them, not like their kids, really,

not their significant others. It was just like the people in their community. So that's what I think is a beautiful maybe takeaway from this, you know, I haven't read the article. Like you said, I only read the little excerpt. Maybe I'll get my free subscription and... I'll have to video record it for you. But I do think there, if you are in this camp where you're ready to kind of just take a break from trying so hard, there is another way, I think, to find a very, very meaningful life.

But it can't be, I'm sitting on my couch, you know, watching TV by myself. I think it has to be in community, which is really hard because so much of our society is built. around this nuclear family and or single scene. Like a single scene or a nuclear family, there's not, there is, but it's harder to find, I think, without maybe religion or, you know, a certain specific hobby, but go for it. Find that hobby, find that religion,

find that thing that you can find a sense of community and belonging. And I think that really can, can help people just kind of enjoy the experience of connection in life, you know, without partner. Yeah. I mean, in the blue zone thing, I think the people are lucky enough that they, they all live in, like it's almost like it's sort of a little bit lucky or random that they all live in these places where there's these community elements built in.

Yes. Where it might be harder in a place in the middle of nowhere, random city USA, to have that just sort of culture. Yes. Yeah, it's true. I wish they would build, you know, they make all these planned communities

for families. They should, you know, it would be a cool concept to make like a planned community for people that are not partnered where there's like, you know.

Like a kibbutz? Yeah, like, or kind of like, yeah, like a kibbutz, something like that. I mean, I don't know that much about that.

But yeah, we're all kind of together with an active lifestyle. There's some, element of spirituality. There's some element of there's somebody who cares about you if you don't show up to the thing they notice. That's a big part of partnership. Like, oh, you're late, coming home from work. I'm going to call and see where you are. I care. Like, there's some, let's make our own blue zone. Yeah. I think you could maybe artificially create a blue zone if you

had that type of, you know, there's enough people that I think just want connection that, Yeah, it's an interesting concept to see if we can find a way for people that are not partnered to feel more part of a community without necessarily feeling like, oh, I'm going to join like a running club. Like maybe you like running a little bit, but like, going to make your whole life around it, you know? Exactly. And I think that's true. I mean, this article was about like being single and dating, but I think it's true for, you know, I think about that for like trying to. have kids. And there was like a quote that also stood out to me where someone says, if you were treating your life like a waiting period before you find love, you're missing your own life. Yes. And that can, and it's really, I think that sort of speaks to this feeling of like how difficult it is to both try for something and enjoy where you are at the same time.

Yes. It's like how can you be like working towards something and also loving where you're at? I think that's one of the hardest things to do. Yes, totally. Well, it's funny because you, you kind of experienced that in like you really wanted a partner before you found a partner and then you found the partner. And I wonder how long were you just kind of like, oh, great, that's handled. Like, I'm good. Right.

Before you turn to like, well, I want more. You know, now I want family. And guaranteed, once you have a baby or two, there's going to be like, a new thing that you're looking to get. So it is really hard. It is hard to seek and have gratitude at the same exact moment. And sometimes we have to, okay, I'm going to have my moment of seeking. I'm going to notice my moment of seeking, and we're going to talk about this probably a little bit later,

like a moment of seeking something different than what I have. And if there's something that you can do to get that in that moment, great, go ahead and do it. But if it's just seeking like almost like an emotional masturbation seeking like you kind of talk about like, I'm just going to run this over my mind and think about all the reasons I wanted and all the ways I can get it and your mind starts to try to solve all the problems for you. That's when it really takes you out of your life. And that's why like gratitude journals and things like that are I think are really wonderful because they bring you back to like a non-seeking mindset. Like what do I already have? Totally. And I think this another thing that's maybe work for me and maybe people wouldn't like this because it almost feels a little bit negative is this idea of like this might be the best time in your whole life.

Like you could find a partner and they could be like ruining your life. Yes. Yes. I talk to people all the time whose partners are. kind of ruining their life. Right. You could have a kid that, like, is really hates you. It's really mean to you.

I don't know. No, it's, like, it could be, it's like, you never, you don't really, we always assume the next thing that happens is going to be better. And like, what if this is the best it's ever going to be? Yes. It sounds like, I mean, but it's like if you think about, if you think about your life zoomed out, like most people would say their lives are pretty good, I would imagine. Yeah.

You know, for fear of seeming like bragging or whatever, like, I kind of think my life is the best it's going to get right now. I have healthy kids. I have a roof over my head. I like what I do for work. My parents are alive. I'm healthy. Like, probably not going to get much better than this. I mean, and the fact that you know that is great.

Like, that probably helps you lean into it. Most people, I think, don't even know that even when they have it. And to me, it's almost not even about the circumstances, because I think you could have multiple people in the same set of circumstances who look at their lives completely differently. Yes. Yes. And if you don't catch your mind seeking, it will run wild with seeking. You have to just notice when it's doing that. And, you know, I think sometimes people have a problem with it because they're like, well, should I just not want anything? Should I not have any ambition? should I not try to get any success in my life?

Yeah, but the amount of time that we spend pining and seeking and trying, and back to the single thing, it feels different with that. It almost feels like, well, that's like healthcare or something. It's like an ail in it. Well, again, it's something that's been promised to you. Right. It's just like a right that we have. It's not starring in a movie.

Right. Exactly. But I, you know, I think for some people, that's not in the cards or you have to find that connection like in an outside of the box way. But it really is, and our society is not set up. So I do, I empathize. Our society is not set up for finding connection in community up until the age of like 30. It's harder. It's harder to, I think.

There are certain circumstances. make it harder. If you were, I mean, if you were sitting here across from me, 45, single, no kids, I mean, I, knowing you, like the kind of specific kind of, like, amazing person you are, I could see a world where you'd have the same. Right. I hope I would, but like, who knows, right? Maybe not. Yeah, totally. And I, that's why I almost like hate to say the whole, like, I think my life is as good as it's going to get because I'm aware that, like, I have all the conventional things that like people want. But also there's plenty of people who are in your shoes who'd be like, well, my kids are

fighting all the time and like I can't wait to get to like the phase where they're out of the house or where they're you know, or they're not, they get along better or the youngest doesn't need me as much or I can. Or even honestly, five minutes before I logged on for this call, I was like, I have this and I have this and I'm hungry and I didn't get to eat lunch. And now here I am. I'm like, oh, I'm actually fine. I'm good.

I'm okay. Like your mind just goes to that place thinking like all the things you need and wish would be different and it's like big picture. All good. But yeah, I do, you know, it's really interesting. And it's funny that you sent this article because as a therapist, I've really given a lot of thought to like how to help people that are seeking partnership and just can't find their person because it's there's a really hard spot. There's like obviously all the apps and matchmakers and things you can do. And then there's the acceptance stuff of like just, you know, it'll happen when it happens and, you know,

I find gratitude for the other things in your life. But there is a very special vulnerability. And I do really, really feel for people that don't want to settle for someone that they're not connected to, but just can't seem to find the right person at the right time. Yeah. And it kind of feels like you have to, like, define your attitude about where you're at, which is tough because it's like you could be like one day you could be like loving exactly what you're doing and enjoying your friendships and doing your own thing and doing that. And the next day, you could feel like that seeking mindset of, you know, you feel down or you feel whatever. But you kind of like you almost feel like you have to tell yourself how you feel about it and stick to that. So you almost feel like guilty when you feel those other days. And I think so few emotions are like completely static.

Yes, 100%. And really quick, because I know we have to get on with the rest of the show. But I was just listening to the Michael Singer podcast. and he's the author that wrote The Untethered Soul, which is my favorite book probably. And he talks about basically like trying on clothes. Let's see you go on like a real shopping thing and you're trying on clothes

and you're standing in front of like the six-way mirror up on the pedestal, looking at yourself from every angle. He was kind of like it's what you're looking for when you're trying on the clothes. Like you put them on your body and you kind of get a feel if it's too tight or it's not too tighter, it's too long,

or it's too short. Like, you know before you look in the mirror whether or not it fits. The looking in the mirror is like you're seeking a feeling in that moment. You're seeking like a heart opening, an excitement, like an emotion. You're really seeking an emotion in that. Do I feel open? Do I feel excited? Do I feel at peace with myself?

Like there's an emotion that you're seeking. And the truth is, you could put that same out. outfit on on a different day and feel completely different. You can put that same outfit on when you've gotten a breakup text from somebody two hours before and that feeling is not going to be the same because it's not the clothes that are giving you that feeling. It could be something that you ate the night before that gave you that feeling. It could be, you know, that your hair looks great that gives you that. That's why people like, oh, well, I don't want, if I go shopping, I want to like put makeup on or like do my hair, you know, because it's like, it's not about the clothes.

It's about the feeling that you have in the clothes. So I think all this to say, what we're really seeking are moments of joy and happiness and peacefulness and connection and love and meaning. And yes, we think if we get a partner, we're going to have more of those. But ultimately, you're probably go, I mean, and you may have more of them with. the party. You may have more moments of connection, but that's really within you to have those moments. And you can have those moments, whether you're married or single or a parent or not a parent or you could have that moment sitting outside with the sun on your face watching a bird fly by.

So, yeah, I think we think if we can secure more of those by getting something, getting married, having children, getting the job, that we could secure more happy moments. But the number of happy moments that we have is really pretty set on our own mindset as we move through life. Like, I don't think you have so many more happy moments that you might disagree. You have so many more happy moments now that you're married to Mike than you did when you were 21 and single in college. Right. Yeah. No, I think they're just different. They're not. Right. But like you said, you're right, yeah. But it feels like if we get this, then I'll be okay.

Right. Yeah, no, it's true. It's very interesting topic. I feel like we'll hit more on it as we go for sure. For sure. I'm sure this will come up again. But check out the article. I thought it was an interesting read, especially if you're struggling with it, with dating.

Totally. Okay. So we have a voicemail. voicemail number is 646363626294. Or you can email us at oversharing at bedges.com. I will read our first email. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I'm a U-Up with Benefits subscriber and just recently started listening to oversharing. I love the broader range of topics you guys discuss here. On to my problem. I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year and we are thinking about moving in together soon. I love him and can really see us having a future together, but we do have differing

political views with him being more conservative and me being what I would consider a typical Democrat. In the beginning of our relationship, this caused some heated arguments, and it still does from time to time. But we largely avoid discussing the kinds of social and political issues that we know we will disagree on. To give two examples, we have differing beliefs and opinions on the Israel Hamas war and how the law should deal with repeat criminal offenders. It's very specific. When we do have these kinds of fights, I get very heated. My boyfriend is less passionate about his beliefs, and we do not often find common ground. So the only way out is to set the topic aside and move on after cooling down. This seems overall to have a much bigger impact on me than it

does on my boyfriend, both the specific arguments and the overall differences we have. A friend of mine, who I will note is very liberal, more so than me, has expressed some concern about me being in a relationship with someone with these kinds of values and said that me being with him equates to me co-signing his values. I found this to be a bit upsetting. and I don't necessarily believe this to be true. At the same time, I wonder if she is right and if I should reconsider building a future with someone I do deeply disagree with on certain topics.

From this conversation and others, it's clear to me that my friend does not support my relationship, which is upsetting and is causing me inner conflict as I tend to trust her advice. So how important is it to share political beliefs with your partner? To what extent do political beliefs equal overall values? Is avoiding political discussions a healthy way to deal with this situation.

Do you think that I'm in denial about the seriousness of these differences between me and my boyfriend? I'm hoping your advice can help me clarify whether these differences are something I can work through with him or if there are a sign that we might not be as compatible as I'd hoped.

Signed, Democrat, and a dilemma. All right. So here we are politics. We're here. I'm scared. You're like, I'm not saying a word. And it's so funny because even like, if I'm paying attention to my own feelings in this moment around politics, I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that our listeners won't, will shun me or not like me or get mad or like have a super strong reaction to something or anything that I say around politics, which is like, right. It's just doesn't have to be like that. You know, why does it have to be that if someone, expresses a political opinion that's different than yours, that somehow they're put into like a shame box. Totally. And I think that's just like the culture of like everyone living online. And when everyone's online, they just say like the craziest, most like intense,

heated things. And it just creates this entire environment of like do or die and I don't know. It just creates like a sense of just chaos to me. Yes. And it's fear, fear of like what's coming at you. Fear of what people are saying is going to happen if this person wins an election. Fear of what's going to happen if this person wins an election. Fear of what happens if this bill is passed or this bill's not passed. And then fear of backlash if I say this or backlash if I don't say this or just a lot of anger and,

just huge amounts of emotion. And this is why I kind of wanted to tackle this topic, because I think it does boil back down to a lot of what we talk about on this show, which is like, what is underlying this feeling that I can't be with this person or that, you know, that this person can't be a good person if they believe whatever it is. Let's take the example that she used because it's pretty benign, I think. The one, the example of like repeat offenders. Okay. How repeat criminal offenders. Let's use that. Let's use that one, which like, I don't even

know how that came up with them, but that's an easy one. Okay. We'll skip the Israel Hamas war for now. Tell us who's right. So I think it's, if you have a partner, or I deal with this with a lot of my patients. If you have an in-law or a parent or a partner or a sibling or a coworker or anyone that feels very strongly and very differently from you, I think ultimately you're just afraid of different things. We're all, especially when we're consuming all this media, we're just like you said, we're scared. It's intense. It's everything that you read and hear. from some media source is designed to elicit emotion.

Otherwise, you're not going to listen and you're not going to watch and you're not going to care. Right? So they want you to care. How do they get you to care? They make you scared. And if you're scared, you're going to care. So ultimately, on the right and on the left, we're all scared. We're just scared of different things.

So if you take the repeat offender thing, he's, I'm guessing, probably scared to continue to give chances to people that have committed multiple crimes and, like, not punish them harshly because he's afraid that then society will go crazy and there'll be tons of crime and there'll be mayhem, madness. Right. That's what he's scared up. So if you could see him as, like, a scared person that he's afraid of,

of crime, it makes it a little bit easier than what maybe some talking point might tell you, which is that he wants to just, you know, off with their heads, you know, like he wants to just, like, you know, have no mercy for anybody and death penalty for anyone, whatever she, whatever. He's cold. He's uncaring. He only cares about himself. He doesn't care about the fact, you know, where these people come from or how they've had it. harder than him or I don't know whatever it is. So then that thinking about it that way makes her angry.

And now anger. She's assigning assigning personality traits or values to him based on that. Yes. Yes. But ultimately, he's scared. He's just scared of something different than what you're scared of. What you're scared of is that there's like

a little kid maybe that grew up without a family or a father or whatever grew up in poverty and ended up getting caught up in a gang and then he went to prison and now, you know, he got out and he didn't find the right way and he went back again and you want to give him a chance and some rehabilitation and you're afraid that a child that came from, you know, a tough background isn't going to have a chance in the world and that's not fair and you're afraid that his life is going to be ruined if he's tossed into jail. Right. You're both just fearful. And I think if we can see

other in these political conversations as like the softer, more vulnerable emotions of like fear and maybe longing or, I don't know. I mean, I really think so much of it is fear based and why we get like a dog that's afraid gets really angry. Like I think that's why we become, you know, so passionate about a lot of these political topics because they hit the root of our fear, fear of losing freedom, fear of losing money, fear of not taking care of poor people, fear of not serving minority populations and fear of people being unfairly or treated. There's fear behind all of it on both sides. It's easy to see one side as evil and one's just, that's not the case.

It's just not the case. Half of the population of America is not just evil. Right. And for some reason now, it feels like to disagree with someone, you can't just like disagree with the way we would approach this problem. It has to be like a larger statement about who you are. Yes. Yeah. And that's, I think it's really sad, which is why we can't even, and I am someone who really is like very middle ground on a lot of stuff. I am afraid to talk about this because of because of that because someone's going to listen and be like, well, you must be this type of person. Too sympathetic to something. Yeah. Right. Or yeah. You're not outraged enough. Yes, not outraged enough. Not scared enough. Not, you know, yeah. So it really, I think if you're, I think you,

this listener and her partner can make this work. I don't think that you have to size someone up based on, I mean, certainly now we're coming up on an election, so who you're going to vote for, or how you feel about, especially if it's an issue that doesn't even pertain to you, really. Like, I could see if you disagree about abortion and you're planning on having sex with somebody,

that's a problem. Important one. Right? Like what would happen if? How would we feel if this happened? Or, you know, fine. But when people are like, I can't be with you

because you disagree with me about this issue that's like involving something that doesn't, there's a bigillion issues in the world. Right. You don't even know about. They haven't come up. But Fox News and CNN are telling you

these are the issues and this is, if you're a good person, this is how you should feel about it. You believe in this, right. Yeah. And I think that's like there's a lot of morality pointed to it. So to me, I agree with you. I think it's more about the way people talk about their feelings.

And I don't think you should need to like you can, you don't have, you need to not share your feelings or thoughts about certain issues. I think it's like the way you talk about. Like to me, the biggest turnoff would be someone who is not open to hearing your other opinions, why you think a certain way,

respects that you think that way, even though they don't agree with you. Like, I think if you have two people who look at it that way, then yeah, you can make it work. If one or both people are like, and she's almost saying that she's more of this person because she's getting maybe more heated,

or assigning like, and I think it's like the way, and I could see why you'd assign a morality in this environment. Right. To the way that someone's, thinking about something. And maybe in the way they describe it to you, they are kind of describing a morality that you don't agree with. And I do think in that sense, that could be a bigger.

Right. Yeah, I think sometimes. It'd be a bigger, you know. Right. Sometimes. Like, let's use the abortion one where if someone's like, I just think, you know, like the, the right to life of the child is more important than the right to life of the mother. Right. Let's say they said, right. I'm not making that. Right. That might be something where you said, All right, that I don't think we're much. Yes, yes. I agree, but I do think most issues that are the big issues are so much more nuanced than that. Of course. Right.

I mean, that's a huge oversimplification. But yes, I agree. There might be times when this is a problem. But the other thing that's so hard to wrap our heads around is that I almost feel, whenever I hear about a lot of stuff, I feel like I'm living in the Truman Show. I just feel like I'm being manipulated. That's why a lot of times with any of this media, like I can't even on both sides. Like I don't, I can't watch any of it because I feel like I'm being brainwashed by

everything that I hear because it's like there's two options. There's two options on all of these nuanced issues. There's hundreds of different. very nuanced issues. And you're telling me that I have two options of how to feel about all of these things, either I feel all these ways or all these ways. And if I date someone that picks team A instead of team B, that somehow we're not compatible, it's like getting together with someone and being like, you have to choose chocolate or vanilla. That's it. If I'm chocolate and you're vanilla, like, your strawberry. Fucked.

So yeah, I do feel like people get very wrapped up and I, you know, media is tough. It's hard to get anything unbiased and work a little bit. Right. And people like being so intense about their political beliefs because it's not just that they're assigning like morality issues to other people. It's that they feel like it's more about the belief, like feeling the belief, like feeling the belief reinstates to them that they are like a good person to themselves. So they need to hold on to it.

It's less even about like the policy or the thing. It's more like this is what I've identified with. I need to like double down on this. Right. Because to say I understand your side kind of feels like you're betraying someone or not the good person that you sort of like established this party to be. Yes. And that you're a part of.

Yes. Yes. And we are very tribal. We'll talk about jealousy a little bit later. All these things that are wired into us, interestingly enough, being partnered, mating with a partner, jealousy, tribal. These are all things that are wired into our DNA that were evolved to be. So it's really hard to break away from like a tribal mentality and like a seeking mate. mentality and is seeking more resources mentality. It's really hard to kind of come to consciousness,

find that evolved part of you that realizes, like, I don't need a tribe to survive here. Like, I don't need to pick a team. Be an independent thinker. Dr. Naomi for president. Exactly. The last thing I would ever want to do on earth was be president. I would vote for you. I feel like you would take each of the issues at the whole Congress, but we'd say Congress, we're going to meditate on this. Honestly, though, with that.

We're going to meditate 10 minutes and then we'll vote. But that, I wouldn't want to be president, but I would want to be like the meditation instructor at the, you know, at the White House. And just really, if we could all like take that little conscious moment,

even as you're having a conversation with a partner, or if you're, you know, going to embark on a political conversation to just kind of be like, what am I afraid of? Why, what's being triggered in me? I think if we can become aware of that and actually become aware and ask that question, like, what are you afraid of? Yeah.

And again, I think the, like, the beliefs are almost less important than, like, the making fun of people, the, like, the way that people treat people who don't agree. with them to me is almost like the more character revealing things. It's like are you a Twitter troll? Are you just like make, you know what I mean? Like are you just like anyone who doesn't agree with you is an idiot? Like that to me is much more important I think. Like are you handling are you throwing below the belt insults to the person who doesn't agree with you? That to me is like the more revealing morality character trait in both sides do this also. of like the kind of person you should be with.

Totally. Like even the friend who's sort of like, well, this guy has differing political views from you so you can't be with him. Like that's very judgmental way to think about it when, you know, you don't know exactly how he feels about every nuanced issue.

Right. And there are people who like believe in all the right things who are complete fucking assholes. Yes. Yes. Yes. on both sides, yes. It's really true.

It's so hard because I really do believe that if the people that ran the world were a little bit more conscious and mindful and patient and like in touch with their own deeper emotions and what's driving them, there would be so much less conflict in the world. Totally. And to me, it's so upsetting and so annoying that, like, the opinion that you're stating here, like, the feeling that you're stating here is, like, not socially acceptable. Yeah. Like, it doesn't feel like it's socially acceptable to be like, well, you know, everyone's just doing the best thing. Don't hate me.

Don't hate me. I love you guys. I hope you still love us. But, like, yeah, I don't. It is something that feels scary about saying I'm not. enraged. Right, which is crazy. Right. Actually, but here we are. Let's do another email. If you're still listening, or I don't know if you're in the middle of writing, your one-star review, come back to us. Do you want to read our betches this email? I'll read this. Hi, Jordana and Dr.

Naomi, love the pod, interested in your thoughts here. My friend is getting married in May and recently asked me to be a bridesmaid. She's generally a very empathetic, fun, understanding person, and I was honored to be included. However, shopping for a bridesmaid dress has been incredibly difficult. She says she doesn't care what we wear as long as it's pale yellow and full length. She asked...

That is like the most specific color I've ever seen. I don't care when you wear as long as it's this incredibly difficult color of the bride. It gets worse. She asked that we send her picks before ordering anything, so I started sending her some. almost all have been rejected. I sent her a butter yellow dress

that was shot down for being too close to white. I sent her a pale lemon yellow dress and that one was rejected for having somewhat of a greenish hue. I sent her a light honey yellow dress and that one was rejected for being too warm. One dress was the right color, but she rejected it because she didn't like the material it was made of.

Worst of... At that point, I would be like fuck off. After the first rejection. The material, she... She's the only one who's going to care about the boot. She's in a bubble, a big bridle bubble. Worst of all, she sent around a few links of dresses she liked and were examples of what she was looking for,

so I ordered one of those. She still rejected it. She decided she didn't like how the back of the dress was structured, despite that being visible from the pictures of it that she sent. All in all, I've sent her pictures of probably a dozen dresses or more at this point. I've only gotten the okay to order three of them, and all three were ultimately rejected anyways. It's becoming increasingly clear in our conversations as she has a specific vision in mind, but refuses to communicate exactly what that is.

Just keep saying the same vague direction of pale yellow full length. I want you to feel beautiful and comfortable. So whatever you want. That's insane. That's almost more enraging to say that all doing that. If this was a trigger, I think it might have a get a nine. The places she's pushing us to order from our mostly store credit only on returns, and there are places I don't normally shop, so I'm currently out $250 and still searching for a dress.

I understand there's a lot of pressure on brides to be cool and relaxed, and she's probably feeling that, but I wish she would just tell us exactly what dress she wants us to wear because she clearly has a specific shade and shape in mind. I have one more dress coming in the mail, but if she rejects this one too, is it okay for me to say something? how would you handle this? Thanks, 27 dresses. This person's a lot nicer than I am. Oh, yes, it's okay for you to say something. She doesn't say anything up until this point.

That's great. You cannot pick an obscure color, like a pale yellow, with a specific shade of pale yellow. And also get to say, but I just want you to feel great wear whatever you want. You can't say both of those things. doesn't make any sense. And also, I don't like the material of this one. And I don't like the way the back is structured on the other one. I don't even know what that means, but like, okay.

Fuck off. This person's crazy. I wouldn't want me your friend anymore, I think. That would be like the motivating thing for me to say something. I think I would say, here's what I would say. Text her, hey, it seems like you have a really specific, specific look you're going for that I don't fully understand. And honestly, I really don't have the time or money to keep looking for a dress that I'm not even sure you're going to like. If you want to send me one or two dresses that you've already approved of, that you are guaranteed, because again, these places don't accept returns, so I can't really buy one that I'm not sure I'm going to wear. You want to send me one dress that you think I should wear. I will buy that dress, we'll wear it. And then that's all I can do.

Oh my gosh. That's all I can do. And picking pale yellow. And picking pale yellow. on top of it. No offense. It's a beautiful color on some people, but on some people, it's terrible. So it's just like not, it's just a hard color for a lot of people to pull off. I just think. I would love to interview the bride on this. Just know what she's thinking. I don't. Like she's got to have her own. Yeah, she's probably just having a lot of anxiety and like decision, like paralysis. This is, this is. She said no to the dress that she put on the list of dresses as the options. That's crazy. I can't even imagine. If she's doing this about dresses,

what is she doing about, like, all the other things? Totally. I would have said this after the first reduction. Same. This is, this is, I think the cool thing, and you did this for your wedding,

the cool thing to do is be like, here's a color palette, like, wear whatever you feel is flattering. That's great in theory. But you have to really mean, like, wear whatever, you think is flattering.

Not like, yeah, she said she's trying to be like the cool bride, but she's like, ah. That's the worst part. At least like if you're going to be a lunatic, oh yes. I know I'm being crazy, but like this is the exact dress. You don't get to pretend like you give a shit about anyone else

and ask for a pale yellow dress with a certain material and length and all that. No, no, no. You have to say. If you don't say anything at this point, it's on you. Like, this is, you, this is crazy.

And again, if she's, if she gets mad at you for that, like, do you really want to be friends with this person? She sounds like a little to take. If everything you're saying is like actually true

and not your spin on it. Yes. This sounds totally like, hell yellow. 12 dresses. 12 dresses. That's insane. Someone didn't think this through.

And also, I mean, the other piece of this is that she has no shame in saying no 12 times. Like, if I, if I'm the bride, and let's say,

I really didn't love the dress that you picked. After the second one, I'd be like, fine. Right, I can't. I just can't ask her to look for another one. I would just be too shamed and feel too badly to say no to any more than two dresses. I would feel bad saying no to even like one, but two or three or 12, this is crazy. Same. Especially if you're going to have that specific of a parameter, there needs to be a list of acceptable options.

Not like everyone's having a great time doing trial and error. Like no one cares about your wedding the way that you do. It just don't. It's true. In her, I think she's in very like in a bubble of her own mind of like, I care so deeply how this turns out. But I think you don't realize that like for everyone else,

it's just like a one event, like an event that they're going to on a Saturday. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Say something. Honestly, if you don't, I don't want to hear about it. Yes. And if you do and there's drama, please. right. Okay. All right. Let's do some intentions. I'll read them. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm a long-time

listener of both oversharing and you up. Thank you for all your thoughtful insight and laughs you've provided over the years. I have a scenario that I would like to set an intention for and I hope you can help. For some background, my best friend and I each started dating best friends a little over three years ago. It has been so much fun and I love that we have each found loving partners and that they get along so well also. However, our relationships began within one month of each other and I found myself comparing my relationship to theirs. Sometimes I wish that our timelines and relationships weren't so similar because I found that it makes it so easy to compare. Through therapy, I've found ways to try to avoid comparing our relationships, but I find it getting harder and harder as we get older

and start hitting milestones. Last night, her boyfriend showed me a picture of the beautiful engagement ring he bought her. And instead of feeling excitement, a shot of anxiety, and jealousy came over me. My boyfriend and I have been talking about getting engaged as well, but I can't help but feel behind and jealous that they're already taking the next step. I also feel pressure on my own relationship and start to spiral that theirs is better than ours. I know that our moment will come when the time is right, but I would like an intention to help me practice patience in my own life so that I can truly be happy for her. Thank you for all that you both do, signed a wannabe engaged batch. All right. Good question.

I have seen this a lot of times. This is really common, whether it's like best friends that both meet their partner at a similar time, or if it's, I've seen this with roommates where they're both dating someone. And then one's like, well, she sleeps over two nights a week. And this one sleeps over one night a week. And they went on vacation together and they're doing this kind of date. And, you know, I've seen this a lot. Why didn't I get this gift?

Yeah, totally. When you have like a front seat to someone else's relationship in that way, it can be really hard not to compare. Totally. And I think that what you've said this before, and I think that having that anxiety, because that's kind of what it is, it's just showing as like jealousy, is helpful to an extent. Like if her friend was getting engaged and she had been dating her boyfriend for 10 years and wanted to get engaged and saw her friend get engaged and felt this pain, that would be like a helpful emotion for her. her to be like, yes. Okay, I know I want this thing.

And my anxiety is telling me that like I need to do something about my current situation. It doesn't feel like that's the case here. Right. Yeah. Yeah, it's just their relationship happening in their time and your relationship happening in your time. And it is really hard not to

grasp for the thing. that someone else is having that we want. Like, it's really hard to see someone else getting something that we want and not feel like there's something wrong or unfair or whatever about them getting it before we get it or watching them get it and wanting what they have. It really, again, it comes back to, like, you know,

evolution and food scarcity and, you know, trying to secure shelter and trying to secure shelter and trying to secure safety. We get jealous of what other people have that we think, here's the key, we think is going to make us happy. Like we talked about a few minutes ago, she is seeking this engagement

because there's a part of her that thinks, like this engagement is going to make me happy. And yeah, maybe the engagement will make her happy. But it's going to make her also, I think it's also this feeling of validation. It's going to validate me in a while. Yes. Yes.

Security. As a member of society. Right. And. Okay. Yeah. So member, right.

So I was thinking security, like validate that he loves me, wants to be with me forever. That's like a secure feeling. And then there's the societal. Well, she probably, go ahead.

The reason I think it's societal more than the, about the other things, because she said they've talked about getting engaged. Right. So what's the difference is like that she actually has it and what is the actually having it? It's like this. It's like telling everyone. Right. Yeah. It's like a status thing. You know, it's like and again, that is, these are these very primal human things like wanting status. So we feel safe in this societal hierarchy. But if you can step away from these things and watch yourself wanting them instead of just like giving in to the want of it, you can recognize like I don't really need. I need to like fight my biology that's telling me that I need social status because monkeys need social status and like chimps need social status so that the king chimp doesn't like kill my small.

small chimp baby. Like that's where this comes from. You know, like the most revered chimps, you know, they get all the food and they get the, you know, nobody's going to mess with them. And that's where this comes from, but we don't need it anymore. Yeah.

And it reminds me of, I don't know if you've done any work with this or think about like the abundance mindset versus limited mindset. It do feel like the jealousy feeling comes from this like limited mindset. mindset to an extent of like if it if it happened to her there's like a it's almost like takes away from it happening to me or there's not enough and like people feel i mean people talk about that

mostly with like success like if you see someone else you know getting promoted or getting the job or getting published or getting whatever it is this feeling of like a jealousy or that feeling of not being happy for the person and i think it is related to this feeling of like well if this person did well, like, what if now there's like, they've taken that. Right. It even happens with like dating, right? Like there's not a lot of single people left or like all the good guys are taken or, you know, somehow there's like a scarcity mindset around like humans, available human beings for, you know, partnering. But again, that's just kind of like this thing that's sort of wired in that I think creates these feelings of jealousy. So, for

First of all, don't beat yourself up. It's normal. I think it feels we've talked about this, but I think it feels really crappy not to be happy for a friend, like that feeling. So now she's already feeling a little anxious about her own relationship. She's feeling a little jealous,

and now that it's probably like a little bit of, you know, shame or something around the idea that like, I'm not even happy for my best friend. This is supposed to be like the best time. And I'm supposed to be jumping up and down in a circle with her. you know right and then she's probably doing a little bit of that like and she knows it's fake so then there's like that cognitive dissonance of like i'm like i'm pretending like i feel this way but i don't

feel that way which makes it feel worse yes yes so i get it it's so normal like jealousy is just a normal emotion it's something that everyone experiences from time to time but i think yeah if you can recognize that there's there's no scarcity this will happen to you you know, you will have your time. We're going to do a meditation on this. So I'm really excited to do that because I think people feel this way about lots of different things. All the time. Yeah.

And jealousy is kind of a way of trying to control the specifics of the outcome of your life. So it's kind of like a lot of the things that you're jealous of, like, you can get them. maybe, but not right now. Like, it's not your time to have this thing. Right. It's not your time. Is there ever, is there a point where, like, do you ever feel jealous of things? Yeah, I feel jealous if I see.

The meditation. Yeah, I mean, I think it, I don't feel jealous often, but I think I feel, I feel jealous. Like, if I see someone taking a trip, like, that's something that I don't really get to do as much as I like is traveling. I see someone taking a trip to a really cool. place. Like I don't, I'll kind of, you know, have that thought of like, oh, I wish, you know, it's different when it's, when it's for people that are close to you, that's when it starts to feel icky. Like I, right. Yeah, if it's like an influencer online, it's like whatever. And I, I mean, I don't, I don't often feel jealous of people that I'm close to because I think

I also know their whole story. Like, I know that they, yeah, yeah. struggle in this way. And so I'm happy for them that they're getting this thing. Maybe if I had someone in my life who I felt like their life was just like completely perfect, I might be like, okay, maybe I'd feel more of like a jealousy thing. But I think I feel more like, I'm so happy they're getting this thing because they're not able to have this thing, whatever that might be. But yeah, I think it is a tough thing.

And I do think meditation can help because I think. think it helps you, one, like, allow your jealousy and not, like, beat yourself up for feeling jealous, which takes, like, one of the layers of discomfort out of it and just, like, let yourself feel that. And then also, like, what you said, I think a while back, when you were, like, wanted a relationship so badly, and you were like, I don't know if it was jealousy per se, but let's say you did have a good friend that had a boyfriend and you wanted a boyfriend. It helps you recognize like what do I really want? Like what am I longing for?

I'm longing for connection. I'm longing for security. I'm longing for... Yeah, can help you figure out like the strong emotion related to something can kind of give you insight into how you feel about it. Totally.

And then ultimately, which is kind of where my intention comes from for this writer, is that it can make you aware that you're in this sort of prison of seeking something different than what you have. That is a prison. Like we just talked about,

you're always going to be seeking something. So I wrote two things, one of which was feelings of envy are a normal part of life and a reminder that I must choose to step out of the cage of seeking. So it's like, okay, I'm seeking this thing. And if you just like let yourself kind of keep going with that And what a lot of people do when they feel jealous is like hate on somebody, call someone else, talk a bunch of shit about them behind their back.

Right. Find something negative to talk about. Yeah, say how ugly the ring is. Think about how I wouldn't want to marry that guy anyway, like become a little hateful. Before you do, that part is the part you want to check yourself on. The feeling of jealousy is fine. It's fine. It's what do you do with the feeling of jealousy.

So if you notice you have the feeling of jealousy instead of allowing yourself to go to becoming a hater, which is like the worst, is just recognize like, okay, I am in a prison of seeking right now. It's like imprisoning my mind. So I need to come back. I need to meditate. I need to think about what I'm really longing for. And if what and if you really are grieving something in that moment, maybe people get jealous on Mother's Day, right? Like, oh, this person's going out to dinner with their mother and I don't have a mother. I don't have a good relationship with my mother. Instead of going and starting to hate on them, take that moment and be like, I'm seeking. What am I seeking? I'm seeking, you know, the connection with my parent. I have to sit and meditate

and grieve and connect with my mom and, you know, have that moment of grief, whatever, whatever it might be. Or like you said in the beginning, if this is about her relationship and they have been dating for 10 years and they aren't married and other people like, okay. Like that's a sign of like, I'm, you know, I need to become mindful of what I'm seeking and why or maybe what do I really need to feel was underneath that. Yes. And we'll have a meditation for you. It just came out September 1st on jealousy.

So when you're scrolling through Instagram and that bitch you don't like gets engaged, just play this and it'll help. You know, ease your mind. I'm excited. I'm excited for the meditation. I think jealousy is a huge factor for a lot of people. But people don't like say it. No one, every people admit to it.

Yes. So I think it's totally. Like I'll say to patients sometimes like, so you're feeling a little jealous. Like no, I'm not, I'm not jealous. Like it's like I'm telling you you're like a demon, you know. Yeah. It feels like too self-deprecating versus a lot of people. to say out loud, but I actually find it quite framed.

Yes, it is framing. It's what do you do with it? Okay, well, good luck. I'm sure you'll be engaged soon too, okay? Do you want to ignore the rest of that advice? Just focus on getting all the external stuff that you think is going to make you happy. Go for it. Exactly.

That's all we always suggest you do. Let's do some triggers. Okay. Okay, you want to read your first one? Yes. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, thank you so much for your podcast, I listen to it first thing every Tuesday morning and can't wait to hear more. I have a triggered scenario I'd love to hear your take on.

My husband is in the bridal party and officiating the wedding of one of his good, long-time friends. I haven't spent a ton of time with this friend because my husband usually spends one-on-one time with him, but we have met and spent time together multiple times. Our invitation came and was addressed to my husband by name and, quote, guest. It's really annoying me. My husband has validated my feelings and also feels annoyed that his friend didn't make more of an attempt to ask about my name since my husband is putting a lot of time and effort into this wedding. My husband thinks this happened because his friend is unsure of what last name I'm using.

We joke that based on the invitation, my husband doesn't even have to bring me. He could bring anyone. Anyway, not sure why this is annoying me so much, but now it's making me feel a little uncomfortable slash out of place around the wedding activities. What are your thoughts, sincerely, not the casual girlfriend, but the wife? Yeah, this is crazy to me. You'd put end guest for someone's wife when they're officiating your wedding. This is really. That's very rude. Very rude triggering.

Did they not go to your wedding? Maybe, but like, maybe they were friends after that. But it's still like, if you don't know, if the excuse is like, maybe he didn't know your last name. Just ask. Ask. Does she go by your last name? That's not crazy. I'm sending out the invitation.

How should I address the envelope? Yes. And guests, so much more rude. I would take that very personally. Yeah, especially because it's not like a, I could see if it was almost like a work colleague or something, but he's actually officiating the wedding. Like they're close.

Right. This is very triggering. Should she make him say something? No, I don't think she needs, like he's validating her, so that's good. Like he's acknowledging that this is weird. The invitation says, sent out. It's done. All right. They're not going to send you another one.

You can't undo it at this point. Just look out for your table placement card. I think like what you always say, they could make a little funny joke about it, you know. When they are, here's my guest. Or, you know, look who I chose as my, you know, guest. Or they can make some joke to acknowledge the fact that that was weird. But at this point, making a whole stink, I don't think. I don't know.

What do you think? Right. You could do something sassy on the RSVP. Yeah. You know, John Smith and his wife, we've been married for many years. Yes. Whatever. Yeah, I think you could make it known without making it like a big deal because there's

nothing they could do about it now. I would give it like they've met a couple times. He's officiating the wedding. I'd give it like a six. I'm going to give it a seven. Okay. I'm giving it a. you go? I'm giving it a seven because he's actually officiating the wedding. If this was a regular

wedding guest, like a... And they're married, right? That would still be... It would still be rude, but it would be like just, you know, thoughtless and annoying. And I would probably give it like a five or four. But because he's like actually performing the ceremony, if the person that's, you know, you think they'd be a really close friend, not to know the name of his wife is... bother to ask. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to give it a seven. I put less effort into my officiant speech, if I ever heard. Yeah. Totally. All right. Let's do another one. Hi, sisters. I was left feeling quite triggered yesterday after a situation at dinner with my boyfriend and would love to know your thoughts. I've been a pescatarian for the last four years. However, every once in a blue moon,

I'll eat a slice of bacon or a few slices of pepperoni on a pizza on a very special occasion, a few times a year. My decisions to stop eating meat for the most part was due to the fact that I grew up wanting to be a vet and have a soft spot for animals. So I try to keep my meat consumption to a minimum and only on special occasions. For example, Christmas bacon, birthday bacon. So last night at dinner, my boyfriend of almost five years, who eats meat regularly, had gone up to order at the counter of the restaurant we were at and had told me he ordered us the veggie meatballs. The waiter dropped them off, stating that he had our order of veggie meatballs, and while eating them, I joked with my boyfriend that he probably ordered the real meatballs just to fuck with me.

In the car ride home, he confessed that I was right, and he did, in fact, order the beef meat balls just to see if I would eat them unknowingly, which I did. Am I wrong to feel like it should be my decision whether I want to eat meat or not? And not only that, but to have the waiter in on it felt like a cruel, sick joke. I was left feeling shocked and hurt that he would do that to me and completely disregard my feelings. On top of that, I've been feeling sick to my stomach for the last 24 hours, even to the point of getting physically ill at one point, having not eaten that much meat, let alone multiple beef meatballs in four years. He even stated that he was worried I might have stomach issues from it, and yet he did it anyway. How triggered should I be?

Sincerely beeping with my boyfriend. Oh, I love the sign off. That's funny. Yeah, this is like a thing a little brother does. This is not a thing that, like, is messed up. I don't like this. I mean, especially because I have, like, many foods that I don't eat. I don't know about many, but I have a few foods that I don't eat. And it's, I, if someone would sneak and lie and make you eat something, I don't like this. It's not like an oversight. Like, he purposely did it.

I agree with her. Getting the waiter in on it too. And he knew and he thought it might make her stomach hurt. that's the most messed up part, I think. I don't know. Are they dating or married? Because this might be like a deal breaker. I think it's my boyfriend.

She says, my boyfriend of five years. Oh my gosh. I think there's some underlying thing because she said, like, he clearly thinks it's a joke that she doesn't eat meat. Right. I mean, I get where I can understand

why he's like, well, like, are you eating meat or you're not eating meat? Like, fine. They want he wants to have. have that conversation and think it's a little ridiculous that she makes meat on a few occasions a year. That's an opinion. I don't necessarily agree with it, but like, I could see why someone might have that opinion of like, either don't eat meat or eat. Fine. But like, say that. Don't like sneakily order her the meatballs and pretend that. Yeah. And then when I got a stomachache,

say, I thought that might happen. Like, so then you just basically like wish me. Poisoned me. Right. Yes. Yeah, I agree. I think it's okay that he thinks this is weird and that he disagrees with the, it's funny because like we grew up kosher. And as a result of that, there are still, I'm not kosher, but there are like remnants of things that like I just don't eat because like I just never grew up eating them. Bacon is one of them.

Right. And so Jeff thinks it's weird. He's like, it's ridiculous. Like God doesn't care if you eat. bake it. Like, God doesn't really care. You're not, like, this is absurd. Like, I think he thinks some of it is crazy. Okay, fine. He's entitled to his opinion. It probably is very inconsistent and strange, like either you're kosher or you're not. Right. You can't, you can probably even fully describe what it is. Why certain foods just make you feel less comfortable. Right. It's a personal

preference. So I get that it's weird. I get that other people don't like it or think it's strange. But tricking someone is a whole different thing. Yeah, like for his own amusement. What did he get out of that? That she liked it. Like I think it's kind of like, ooh, you ate it. You liked it. Right. Right. But she didn't, it's like that would be one thing if she had said, I don't eat this because I don't like the taste. Right. That would make more that if it's like, about the animal thing to me that doesn't, so what? Yeah, I do like it. That's why I have it a few times of year,

despite the fact that I don't feel good about myself when I do it. Yeah, I don't know, yeah, I don't know what the purpose was to like tempt her. And maybe now she'll just want to eat that more because it was tasty. I really don't know. This is, seems very immature. Very immature, annoying. And the fact that the waiters out there, I'm mad at the waiter too. where you're just doing what he's told.

Yeah, I mean, he could have just come over and said, here are your meatballs. Veggie meatballs. It's annoying. Yeah. I'd give this like a nine, eight and a half. I was going to say that and then I thought maybe it was like a me thing that is just so triggering because I have like foods that I don't really.

I think the most triggering part is that he said he thought it might upset her stomach. He did it anyway. Yeah. Like that's really mean. It's true. I agree. You can be mad and I think this can never happen again. Yeah, I would lay down, put my foot down if you're going to stay with him. I mean, it's been five years. If this is the only time he's done anything like this, you could probably make it work. But also there is something. Like she said, I had a feeling or I thought maybe you were tricking me with the meatballs. Like why? Maybe he's a prankster. Why would she think that? Like this must be something that he's just like this. In his, Getting to his mindset, he might be like, this is bothering me because it just makes you seem irrational. Like maybe that's his perspective. Like I, he might be having like a problem with this.

Maybe that's why. Then you guys should discuss it. Yeah. I mean, I think he might be. And he should definitely have gone about it a different way. Totally. A hundred percent. I think this is extremely triggering.

But I think this is some kind of an underlying issue. Like he just feels like this makes no sense to me. Or maybe he thinks she thinks he's a bad person. because he eats meat. I don't know what their deal is, but this was not cool. I agree. Triggering.

Triggering. That's it for us. We did it. We solved all your problems. We did it. Please write in. Let us know what's going on. Oh, also I did want to say before this morning,

before my big day, I took the risk of reading a couple of reviews because you know how that goes. It could either get your day started off. and a good note or get your day started off in a terrible note. But we got some really sweet reviews. Thank you guys for reviewing. And I'm really...

Oh, yeah. Keep reviewing. Yeah. We love those. You like the show. That's one of the best ways to show you care. Show that you appreciate it. Write a review.

Totally. And the things that people are saying, it's like that's why we do this. Like, So thank you guys for the really sweet reviews. Yeah, that's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Rebecca Steinberg.

Editing by Will Maxwell. Guest booking by Ali Friedlander. Be sure to follow us on Instagram and everything's fine. And send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.