Oversharing - I’m Jealous Of My Family’s Ozempic Weight Loss

Episode Date: November 26, 2024

Today on Oversharing, Jordana and Dr. Naomi talk about why we look for signs from the universe, and the potential meaning behind Jordana finding a mysterious bird in her bathroom during the same weekend as the supermoon. Our Overshare comes from a Betch who feels like she’s in the B team of her friend group. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a listener who is angry with a friend who won free Taylor Swift tickets and sold them for an astronomical price. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for body image insecurity around family members who have lost weight on GLP 1 medication. And we’re feeling triggered by exes who get married on our birthday, and moms who internet stalk our crush before we even go on a date with them. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. Great to be back with you.

I had an interesting weekend. Obviously, I think we've talked about this on the show, how there's like, we don't really believe in like the astrology. like signs and what that really means. But sometimes it does feel like there's like a spiritual feeling in the air. Do you ever? Oh, yes. Tell me more about that. What did you experience? I mean, just there's like a super moon this weekend. Yes. And, you know, I've gotten into crystals in the past. But it's just kind of funny because like there's like, I think it's like, I both think it's ridiculous and I like want to believe in it. Do you know what I mean? Yes. Well, that's kind of,

think what spirituality is in a lot of ways, it's like just looking at something larger than yourself to get you out of your own tunnel vision of your own little semi-meaningless life. Because you're like, there's something so much bigger than me here. And it allows me to kind of separate out from just this rat race thing that I'm doing. Yeah. And to cope with like everyday struggles, I guess. And that seems like, that's almost like for the history of humanity. Like, what did, you know, when they have all those ancient Roman Greek gods, it's to like tell stories to explain like why there's monsoon or there, why there's, you know, why life is hard. Totally. And I think it comes back to me, what it links to is like a lot of what we talk about,

which is like, trust. I'm just going to trust this. Instead of micromatial, managing everything in my little brain to look forward. What can I do to make this better or what shouldn't I've done that made this worse? It's like, it's not about you. Like, just trust in the universe or the gods or the crystals or the super moon or whatever it is that like you don't have as much control as you think you do. Right. But then is that like, so I'm saying so it's like good and bad, I guess you don't have control to make it worse, but also not. necessarily to make it better. So then like, so there's already this like weird super moon stuff. And then I was, uh, I was talking. I was like it, I was on one side of my house and I heard like movement in the bathroom. So I assumed it's Mike. So I'm like, like, telling him something or like speaking to him. And then all of a sudden I hear a sound from the other side of my house. And it's Mike. And he's like, can you please like come in here when you want to talk to me? Like I don't like when you like talk to me from the other side. He hates when I like try to speak to him from a different room. Right. He gets like annoyed with that. So I'm like, okay, so he's not in the bathroom. So like, what is going on in the bathroom? Oh, no. Right.

So I like open the door to the bathroom and there's like, I see like a bird on the floor and I like jump back and I'm like screaming. And I like, it's just so funny. It was like talking to the door like thinking it was him. It was like this bird rustling. Rustling around in there. So I like scream and I like make him like go in there and like open the window and then like leave. And so it was like funny.

Just there's this. bird and then so so then we like get rid of the bird the bird I assume flies out the window because it wasn't in the bathroom after we left it there although I saw these like bird droppings in my closet on the other side so I was like this bird must have been like flying around we didn't even notice it until there um it's like gross but I get they're also like paintings so like the windows are open and whatever but I I was like all right well I was like that's weird and he was like why don't we like look like what do you think that means like what don't we like look it up Right. Like Google, like what does it mean when there's a bird in your house or something? And we looked at it. It's like, that's very cool, Mike. I don't think you would typically be into that kind of thing. I know. I was surprised. All the crystals in my house must be getting to him and the fact that he's rolling over onto crystals in the bed. So we like look it up and it's like really bad. Oh, no. Oh, no. What does it say? It was like I'm like reading it out loud. I'm like, if it's a dark bird, it's like a sign of like death, like death coming or.

like, just like a bad omen. He's like, but if it's a light bird, it's like a good sign, I'm like, what color was it? What color was it? I don't remember. He's like, it was like, he's like, it was dark. Black. It wasn't black is like the worst. This one was brown. So it was a, but then I'm like, all right, none of that means anything anyway, right? I only like, we should only believe if it's like giving me like the good, the good stuff. Right. Right. So it was like a, you kind of like not really sure. Like you can't like, I'm like, I can't believe in it when it suits me and then say it's ridiculous when it doesn't. Yes.

Yes. I could see how that I could throw you off when you look something up and you're looking for peace and all of a sudden it's like impending death is what you get instead of like, you know, whatever it was that you were looking for. Right. I wanted it to be a good omen, not a bad omen. Yes. Look, I do, I believe in like energy shifts and these types of things.

And I do think that if there's a super moon, maybe the moon was really bright and the bird kind of like lost its way or thought, you know, like just whatever. It could have affected the bird. And there are, it wasn't like random. Like they are like the doors are always open. There's people in and out. There's like painting going on. Right. I don't even really believe in that. This is personal. Everyone can, you know, there's obviously energy science is really, you know, it's, it's a softer science, although there is a lot of, it's just facts. There's energy everywhere. That's facts. But I don't, believe when people look up dreams, for example, like if you have a dream interpretation book and people are like, okay, dark black bird means this or I don't believe that because your dreams are

based on your own experiences. So I don't believe this concept that a dark black bird means the same thing to you as it means to me. You know, the same thing, like something, our whole personality, everything we like, everything we want, everything we're, of everything we crave is based on our experience of interacting with those things from the time we're born until this very moment. So if you had a pleasant experience with something, you want more of it. If you have a negative experience with something, you're fearful of it or you want to avoid it. So I think the idea that you could get a book at the bookstore that tells you what every dream, what a whale means. Like a whale to you could be like, oh my gosh, I was on a boat

once and almost got knocked over by a whale. Or a whale could be, oh, wow, I went on a really fun field trip to the whaling museum when I was in third grade. And I think whales are really cool. Right. No, that's so true. And I think it's like, that's sort of with everything. Like we try, I think it feels, it feels somehow comforting or peaceful to like assign like a general rule of meaning to things, like a universal rule. but in actuality like everything is like you said so personal even like I think about that with like you know nutrition advice or dieting like you know what I mean where there's like these blanket diet advice and it's kind of like it doesn't actually make any sense like it should be like about

how certain foods make your personal body feel yes yes like you know it feels like this one's trying to sell you something when they tell you that there's like an overall like blanket rule for anything Right, because they probably are, whether they're just trying to get more views on their video to make it seem simple. Life's not that simple. Like, that's why I always say a lot of my patients, I think, end up getting really distracted and thrown off course by watching, like, you know, 30 second TikToks that, you know, presume to explain dating. Right. Or like, what you should or shouldn't do in 30 seconds on a date or like, how to know if he likes you in 30 seconds based on some TikTok video? We're like, what is a bird flying in your house mean?

Right. And it feels good to feel like there's a simple, like there's a rule I can follow that will get me to X, Y, and Z. And I wish it were that easy. Like that would be, and that's so true about the dating advice. Like you see that with like, should you sleep with him on the first date? Well, it's like, how does that make you feel? Right.

So there, you hit the nail in the head with that. I think what it takes people away from when you're looking to some external forest media or a book or whatever Mike Googled about this bird, you're coming away from discovering yourself. You're coming away from thinking, well, how does this make me feel? And that is what, however that makes you feel, whether it makes you want to jump up to take action or it makes you want to cry or it makes you remind you of your grandma, whatever the, however that makes you feel, that's then the energy that you're putting back out into the world. whether you're coming out and you're sad or you're coming out and you're anxious or you're coming

out and you're excited. That's what's then going to actually create change in your life, not some external thing that someone is a universal external thing that people are telling you. So I think this is a great actually conversation because for so many reasons, I think all the media is not helping people go in the direction that I think would be better for mental health, which is less absorbing input from the external and more becoming conscious of your own internal process. So yeah, I really, I like that concept. Well, I guess like once you become conscious of your own internal whatever, then what? What do you do with that?

Okay, you're like, now I know how I react to things. I know how this makes me feel like, now what? Right. Now, I get it, but the now what is that you can be intentional instead of acting out of impulse. Or like, let's say you read that thing about the black, sorry, the brown bird. Yes. Thank you. You read the thing about the brown bird and now you're like fearfully watching like everything that happens around you and you're putting out this really, you know, scared, scared energy.

and looking around you for death all the time, like, that's not really a great energy to be living with. I think what you do when you become conscious is you pause, you calm your body, and you come back to the truth that you don't really have control over all these things. So I think what ends up creating this anxious, depressed, you know, energy is this feeling that if I think about it more, if I worry about it more,

if I plan for it more, I can prevent these things from happening. And the brown bird is a perfect example. If you're like, okay, I'm just going to impulsively act on this urge to prevent this death omen from coming true. Now you're not even, you sit down, you have breakfast with Mike and you're not even enjoying it because you're like fearful and worried and stressing. So I think it just allows you to recognize what your urge is and your urge is to plan and prepare. and control most of us. Right. I guess, but in some ways, does then that, is it helpful, though, to like, if you're in a bad news place or something like that, doesn't that help you in some way because otherwise you have this feeling of like hopelessness and like that you can't control

anything? Like, isn't the other side of that also bad? Like the idea that like, like, like a despair feeling? Yeah. I mean, I think if you really accept it and, and the other part of it is like, it's helping you get back into this moment, which is 99% of the time fine. Right. Like all of our listeners that are out there right now, chances are most of them right now are fine. You're breathing. You're not in pain. You're not too unbearably hot or unbearably cold or in danger of someone hurting you in this very moment.

So sometimes leaning into the actual. reality that a lot of things we don't have control over and just being grateful for this moment where all the things that we're afraid are going to happen or not happen are not happening. And yeah, right. Yeah, I mean, you might not have like all the things that you think you want, but that's what you have, right? So like sitting here and and ruminating about all the different ways that you could try to get the thing that you don't currently have is also, Now it's like, we always say, like you're worrying about it twice. It takes you away from the actual moment that you have right now.

Which is fine. Like I guarantee, I mean, yeah, if there's a listener that's like walking down the street and there's a creepy guy walking behind you, like, okay, maybe you're not fine in this moment. But like that's probably not the case for most people. No, it's true. Okay, I like that. So I will disregard the Google Omen. and I think it'll all be good. I think it's like, yeah, I guess like then in that spiritual capacity, like to what extent

should we find comfort in higher power? Yeah, I mean, it's like it doesn't really mean anything on the flip side. Right. Well, I think the whole like one size fits all is the part that's the problem. You know, if you're like, okay, this like full moon, I'm staring at it. And in this moment, I look at this big bright moon and it's filling me with like a connected energy, great, lean into that. That's happening right now. That's like a spiritual energetic force that's like actually happening right now that's filling you with something that feels

good right now versus, you know, this idea that, you know, if this, then this. Because I just don't think that's helpful. Yeah. I like that. All right. Well, that is really crazy that you had a bird and that I'm happy that it got out. Birds are so frenetic. Like, we've had birds in the garage before, and it's like a really anxiety-provoking. They're like, make a lot of noise almost because you, like, know they're there.

Like, the scary thing to me about, like, any kind of, like, animal, it is like that it's, like, hiding. And then, like, you're going to be surprised by it. Yes, like a mouse or something like that. Yeah. All right. Well, it'll be gone by the time you visit. Don't worry.

Yes. Oh, I don't know. A bird is like the least of it, I guess. I mean, it's not ideal, but I prefer a bird over, like you said, a bird over a mouse. Agreed. Yeah. Or like a bees or something. Yeah.

All right. Well, that was an interesting story. I really, I really like that. I hope our listeners can, when in doubt, come into yourself. Your whole experience on this earth comes from within you. So let's stop looking outside and start looking a little bit more inside. heard it here first. All right.

And you don't see that often out in, in, you know, on the internet and about because there's not really much to sell you. Yes. If it's all, all your happiness is right inside you, it's free. So yes. Not a ton of. So true. Motivation to do that.

All right. Let's get into our emails. If you have a voicemail, you can leave us a voicemail at 64636262-94 or you can email us at oversharing at betches.com. I will read our first overshare. Dear Dr. Naomi and Jordana, this podcast has helped me process so much, I can't thank you enough for all that you do. I, 31 female, I'm writing in because I'm feeling pretty lost in all of my friendships and I'm not sure where to go from here.

In every friendship group, I am the understudy, the B team, the one that gets called up when someone else cancels or when an extra spot needs filling. I'm thankful that I do have a lot of friends and many different friend groups, but it's also hard to grapple with not being anybody's close friend. This is consistent across every friend group I have and it feels isolating. I don't have anyone to call up if I've had a bad day or received a promotion, and I'm never the one that gets included in making initial plans before a bigger group gets invited. Nor am I on the receiving end of this kind of news.

Over the past few years, I've actively been initiating plans a lot more than I am typically comfortable with. I never get rejected. We always have a good time, one-on-one, or at least I think we do. However, initiation of plans is never reciprocated back afterwards. I still continue to see these friends, but it's draining to always be the one reaching out, knowing that they make more of an effort with their other friends. What I want to ask is, how does someone curate close friendships? But I think a more realistic question is, what questions should I be asking myself to understand why I'm not able to maintain long-term close friendships?

I'm really just looking for guidance on where to go from here. Any and all suggestions are welcome. sincerely always a guest, never bridesmaid. All right. What do you think? You have a pretty large group of friends. So if you can think of, you know, how you, if you felt this way or if there's other people you could imagine feeling this way, like in your friend group.

Yeah, I think I can imagine other people feeling this way. I mean, friendships are such an interesting relationship. I think they're so unique in that, like, it's the kind of relationship that you don't, isn't like societally seen. like integral in in a lot of ways. Like you be, you know what I mean? Like the idea of friendships, like you could have, you could have like no friends and no one would really know necessarily. Like you could have your coworker at work could have like no friends and you wouldn't necessarily even think about it. Whereas like a relationship or like a parent-child relationship or,

you know, have even like a work relationship. Like those are sort of expected to be in the fabric of your life. And so friendships are entirely like optional feeling, which is kind of what makes them special. Right. It's so true too, because even for this listener, like, she has technically, quote, friends and no one would know but her that those friendships don't feel intimate to her. So you can definitely like just kind of coast along. Totally. And this way. And I think it's interesting because she seems very concerned with like her placement in the lives of these other friends. Like, what do these friends think of me? Are they, are, am I like, they're number one? Am I, like, they're, And I think the better question is the other question she asks about like feeling a closeness or an intimacy with these friends.

I think that's really what she should focus on rather than like where do I stand in your list of top 10? Right. Because I don't think that that's as relevant, especially, you know, as you get older, maybe like when you're in high school or college, you feel like you're like in a click or in a group. But like the older you get, I think it is much more about like the quality. I have friends that I don't really see a lot that I wouldn't say are my like number one go to if I have an issue. But like when I do see them,

we have great intimate conversations and I feel really close to them. And neither of us are, I would say like the A squad of like my initially have a, I want to go to this restaurant. I'm going to call you. Right. Do you know what I mean?

Yes. But I don't think that means it's a, it's a less valuable friendship. And I think it's about, it's about the intimacy when you do see these people. Yes. To me. I think, yes, even coming back to what we were just talking about with like the feeling that you have within you versus like the looking for the affirmation from the outside of like, you know, where do I stand to you? And that might be part of her whole problem. You know, it's almost like I'm seeking this kind of status within the group versus looking more into herself and thinking like, who do I feel like connected to? Who do. I feel close with? Who do, you know, who brings out that heart opening feeling in me where I feel like

telling you things or being vulnerable? And then what I would do is start with whomever in the group, you feel like you've gotten the closest to in that regard. And she says she initiates plans. And that's great because that's probably the first step is just like getting in front of someone. But I think the question maybe to ask herself is like, am I, opening up to these people, am I being vulnerable? Because if what she's saying is true, these people are not, they don't seem like they're necessarily like craving her.

Like they're not longing to be with her. Right. It almost feels like she like wants a more codependent relationship. Right. She wants like, and it's almost like she wants like an almost less healthy version of that, of like we need like a we need each other. thing. And I get there's something comforting about that. And you get like that, that's seen a lot in

romantic relationships where it's like, yeah, it can't be a relationship where I, where I'm like way more into this than you because that's like dysfunctional. But in friendships, it's not, I don't think it's as big of a deal. Yeah. I would agree with that. Although I do what what I think she's getting at is there's almost like a lack of some kind of juice there that's making them. want to be around her. Like, she's feeling that. So, like, I'm sure you've had friends. I know that I have where we hang out.

It's fun. Maybe we do an activity or we go out to eat and we catch up on the basics of each other's lives. But when there's not, like, that next level of vulnerability, and it doesn't feel like I'm really learning about you or I'm really getting to know something about you that, like, everybody else in the world doesn't know, that's when it can feel maybe like boring, you know.

Or surface level. Right. So if you're not like really funny and you're not like, you know, doing like amazing incredible things like fancy whatever, like awesome activities and you're not deepening the conversation on like another level where you're being vulnerable and getting below the surface, then it might be something like they're not. they're not being seen by you and you're not being seen fully by them. And that might be what's the missing ingredient to make them want to call you and tell you something. I think she hit

the nail on the head, but she's like, they don't really call me to tell me things. I don't really call them to tell them things. Right. And I think that's the question. She needs to start that. Yes. If she wants to, right. And she says she has these one. I think it's a great sign that she's like, every time I ask for plans, they say yes. They just don't initiate. Right. Right. So she already has this like base of these people who like do enjoy her company because I

wouldn't hang out with someone. I wouldn't say yes to someone. Right. That I didn't want to see. So I think it's a matter of like exactly what you said like when you're seeing these people, especially one on one because it's much easier to do it that way to like be a more real version of yourself. And I think maybe this feeling of like this insecurity about where you stand in their

lives maybe makes you feel like you need to act a certain way. Yes, like a vicious cycle. Yes. Like you need to come off a certain. And I used to find this with like dating. Like if I went on a date with a guy and I really wanted him to like like like me or choose me or pick me, I would be probably, like I think I was trying to be like a better version of myself. But I would actually be like a less real version of myself, a less like a more. And people sense when you're like trying to be someone that they like and that doesn't that doesn't feel good that doesn't feel intimate it feels like you're trying to win game and people can sniff out that and that i don't want to call it phoniness necessarily but like guardedness i guess we'll call it like i'm projecting an image that's my guard like i'm projecting

an image that i think you'll like so that you'll like me back and people can kind of sniff that out that's why i think the most annoying dating advice which is like it'll happen when you stop trying or like it'll happen when, you know, you don't at least expect it. And I think that's because of this. It's because you're being real. You're giving off an energy of like, take me or leave me. Take me or leave me. Yeah.

And therefore, you're connecting on a deeper level because you're presenting your real self instead of this curated version of yourself or some people are like sniff out the bullshit, not bullshit, because I don't want to make it like a separate. such a negative thing, but like, it's harder to connect when you are presenting the image that you would like other people to see rather than the real thing. So I think this works for dating to an extent, but definitely for friendships. Like I've had conversations with lots of my patients that are single and people like hate this idea of like, well, when you love yourself, like you're going to find your person. But it's kind of true because I think when you love yourself and you're

meeting people and you stop giving them what you think they want. Right. And give them what you really are because you're happy with who you really are. You're going to have someone that wants to be close to you. So I think that works for both of these. It definitely, it definitely does. And I would worry less about like, again, the standing because I just don't think that really matters if the friendship is an intimate friendship, like the ranking of like the number.

And like, I think you'll actually become more of a tier A friend. Right. If that's how you want to call. I think you'll become that if you, if they feel like they have a real connection with you and they know like who you are on a deeper level. And again, you can, you should also be like sensing that from the people that you're speaking to. Like, are they giving that back to you? Do you feel like, like this is a friendship worth investing in? Or do you feel like maybe they don't,

surface level on their end too? Right. And I do think people mirror each other in that way. If I'm presenting like the best version of myself, you're going to come back and present the best version of yourself as a protection. Yes. And we're probably not going to get too deep. So I definitely think that if the beauty of this is and the hopeful part for you is,

if we're correct on this, I've had that experience so many times where it just takes like one lunch, one like really good vulnerable conversation and then maybe like a couple follow up texts after and like boom, your friendship is on a different level. Totally. Yeah. And that's a great feeling. That's, I think, what she's looking for, not the feeling of being number one.

It's this feeling of connection to someone else or this feeling of like a real friendship. I think better to have one or two real seeming friendships than 10 people you go to lunch and talk about all the positive things that are happening in your life. Yes. That, again, is not that interesting. Yes. And it really is interesting. I'm just like self-reflecting as a psychologist where like knowing that and I've known

that for a long time that like surface level conversation doesn't like, like, feed my soul, that when I'm around people, and you bring up, like, talking about all the positive things. Like I almost like lean away from those things to such an extent where it feels like, in order for me to connect, I need to like find the thing that's going to make someone else feel comfortable being vulnerable. Because then I'm like, okay, now we're connecting. And then later on, I can say the more pot like I'm almost feel I feel almost safer saying the more vulnerable things first no true I think our family does not like small talk yes I think we have an aversion to which is maybe almost to an extreme yes I think there's a feeling of like a really quick boredom with it or like a feeling of it's not interesting it's not there's not there's the way a lot of people operate but like I I personally, like I hate meeting new people because of that reason. Like I feel like I prefer to just hang out with people.

I've always known because I'm already on that level with them. Yeah. And to start off and to do like I hate like, you know what I mean? Like a work happy hour or something where you kind of just have to talk about all those like surface things to me is like almost torture. Yes. Yeah. I feel similarly. And I know that about myself so well that I like go there.

Like I think for some people maybe it's like almost a little too soon. but then I know who I'm clicking with. Because some people are like, oh, yeah, good, let's go there. And then we click and then it's good versus, and it's just cultural. I think a lot of people are just not used to that. Or you really need like a long warm-up period before you get there. But I'm so aware of it that when I just start off with like all the positive things, it almost feels like braggy or like fake.

Fake, yeah. And I'm just so aware. of it that I lean heavily the other way, which is just my own self-reflection. I feel that too. Yeah. So I would definitely lean in with the vulnerability. You started off with the initiating plans. That's a great first step.

I think your next step is like, let's bring these conversations to the next level. Yeah. And honestly, you could even say that, like what she's writing into us is super vulnerable. I think if you had a one-on-one thing with a friendship, I think you could say in and none like antagonistic or angry way. I think you would say like sometimes I feel like, you know, I have all these friendships, but a lot of them don't feel intimate. I feel kind of insecure about that. Like that's a great like I think, and I've had people say that to me. Like, oh, like, I feel like you've had like these, like this friend group. Like I never really had a friend group.

And I sometimes I feel like I'm like almost like left out not feeling. And like that brought me closer to that person. Like you're kind of like you're being a little, you're like stating. And you're like stateing insecurity, even if it's about the thing that you're currently on. Even better. She already has a story to like, you know, be real about. And it's this feeling of like, sometimes I feel like when I'm always initiating, like I feel like anxious that like you don't actually want to hang out with me. Right.

Yes. And I, the beauty like we started off with friendships is that you can go there without it feeling like if it's a romantic thing, it sometimes can feel like all in or all out. Yeah. Right. Like, like alarm, SOS, get me out of here, like stage five clinger. Right. But like with a friendship, it's like you can have 10 of those. Like there's, it's not like you have to pick one and that's the, like you have to decide in that moment, do I want this intense intimacy with just this one person? So yeah, I think with a friendship, it really can work well to lean into that vulnerability sooner than in romantic relationship because presumably with romantic relationship. When you have that, you're choosing to only have that with one person or you have some responsibility to that person that's larger. So that can be a little bit more scary, I can see. Yeah. All right. Well, good question. Thank you for writing in. And yeah, updates. Let us know how the conversations go. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. All right. Let's do a betcha sis. Do you want to read this one? I will read this. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I love this podcast and look forward to hearing it every week.

I have an ethical dilemma and I can't help but feel annoyed by it. Here we go. A friend won tickets to an upcoming Taylor Swift show. Exciting, right? We all know these are hard to come by and so many of my friends want to go. However, instead of going to the concert, this friend, let's call her Sarah, decided to sell the tickets for $6,000 each. She has two. I can't help but feel like annoyed by this action and it makes me think of her differently.

This was a fan contest and it was something she actively entered. I find winning the tickets and trying to make such an astronomical profit on this so icky. I would love to hear your thoughts on this, signed a betch with a conscience. It's so funny, the amount of ethical. This is like, we did a similar one a while I go back. It's like a little different. So I thought it was different enough that we could do it.

But it's so funny. how many ethical dilemmas we have gotten about Taylor Swift and her concerts and that like she's created a whole subset of interpersonal issues surrounding like access to Taylor Swift, which is mind boggling about like the pull this woman has on destroying lives and friendships. Yes. Yes, I have seen this in my groups as well with certain, you know, just friends and who's going and who are you going with? Yes. We get so many emails like that.

It's crazy. Yes. Yes. I think it brings up like a scarcity mindset, which just inherently triggers people. Like it activates your nervous system when it's kind of like there's this limited amount of this thing and this person that I know and care about has it and like, are they going to share and are they going to hoard?

We got an email that was exactly like that. I didn't include it. It was like, there was three friends and two of them are closer. And then another friend had four tickets and brought like the two that were closer. And then this other friend could go. And she was just brought up all these feelings of. Yes. I always, I'm very interested in evolutionary psychology. You probably could tell that based on like how I think about the world in terms of psychology. But like it really does things like this bring me back to like a documentary on like the social order of monkeys where it's like you have your, you know, you have a mango and like who are you sharing your mango with? Like or are you eating the entire thing? And how are we dividing resources?

But now we're talking about Taylor Swift. Yeah. It's so funny. We're just monkeys in a tree. And we could have a whole subset like branch off podcast about. Taylor Swift related friendship, family, financial issues. Ethical, so many ethical dilemmas. It's great. Guys, it's just a concert. I think we also have to remember. It's just a concert.

That being said, I do think this one is different than the other email that we did probably a year ago at this point. This tour will not end. This tour is like going on for, I feel like it's been like 10 years that she's been on this era's tour. Yes. So, but regardless. It's still going on.

I think this one's a little different because it was a contest, and they received the tickets for free. Yes. And it wasn't even like an accidental. It was like she applied for a fan contest. It sounds like it wasn't like I was walking down the street and someone was like, you're the millionth customer. Like, here's tickets.

Right. No, I agree. I think that does make it different. I know I got a lot of shit for saying. And the last one, the friend who bought the tickets and then sold them for a higher price was wrong, which I still, I actually still believe that that's okay because they bought them the normal way and people do that. Maybe not, not, again, not like someone's shining moment, but I think fine. This one I do think is more messed up

because, again, you're taking, it's a free thing. It's a fan contest. The whole premise is that like you're giving it away for the purpose because of, because someone is so deeply invested in her. Yes. I mean, I think you probably knew where I was going to stand on this. I thought the other guy was wrong for getting the tickets at face value and then selling them for more. This, I can see why she's skeved out by this. It's just like, it comes down. $6,000? That's crazy. When you got them for free? Yes. It's like, I don't know. Get a job. Do something else for money. this is not this is not the way to make money there's also like they had no risk and do like with least with the other guy you buy the tickets there's a risk no one buys obviously low risk at this point

but like when you're buying them you don't know what like this is like you took no risk you just took it from someone else who could have went and loved it um so i do like you're kind of rob you know this i think triggers me even sometimes like i'll watch on tv like i'll watch a yankee game and i'll see that like the whole first two front row like right behind, you know, the batters box are empty. And it's probably because some, like, big company has season tickets and they don't care and they don't go. And I'm like, there's some poor kid that, like, the best day of his life would be sitting

in the front row at a Yankee game. And it's just like corporate America just robs the people that would just have so much joy from this, you know, two and a half, three hour experience. and you're just right so now you're taking it from someone the intention was for someone who couldn't afford it to be able to go and now you're just giving it back to people with all the money it's like yeah you're boiling you're foiling the whole plan of why someone was trying to even the score a little bit and just give it give a little throw a bone to the people that can't afford like the most amazing experiences in life.

So yeah. I think to enter a contest and not be looking to like go to the thing that the contest is doing in any, in any contest, like to enter to win something that you don't actually want to attend is. Yes. Yes. Well, I remember once as a kid, teenager, they, you know, this was, this probably ages me. I don't even know if they do this anymore, but there was like a Z-100. used to have these radio contest things.

Bring tickets to Jingleball. Right. So I remember whatever it was, it was like, they were like, call 1-800, 242, 0-100. I think that was actually the number. I remember it now. To win tickets to some concert. And I was like dialing furiously and I connected and I'm like, I don't even know who this is. I don't even want to go to this thing.

I just like was like, you know, had access. I wanted to win something. Yeah, wanted to win something. Yeah. And I actually, like, I ended up hanging up. I'm like, I don't even, if they asked me, like, who this person is, I won't even know who I'm trying to go see. Probably would have gone, though, if he won.

I don't think you would have sold them for $6,000 either. Yeah, at that time, definitely not. But, and now, not either. I just think there's like these little joys in life. And I know, I get it. It's just a concert. I totally hear you. I think the whole thing is blown out of proportion,

but I do think these experiences, whether it's like, you know, an inner city kid sitting in the front row at a Yankee game or someone who can't afford to, these must be pretty good seats if she's selling them for $6,000, like sit up close to the stage at a Taylor Swift concert. It's like those are the moments where like your mind turns off, like that monkey brain and you're like in the moment.

Like I think that unfortunately it takes us so much to get out of our heads that we need to be like front row at a Taylor Swift concert to get our brains like shut off for half a minute. But that is the beauty of what you're getting when you have these like incredible expensive experiences. So the idea that you're like taking that away from someone and giving it back to someone who could have probably seen Taylor Swift already three times and it's just. going again is annoying. Yeah. And you didn't even work hard for the tickets. I know. Yeah, I agree.

I don't, I would, if you disagree with this, I don't know who, I guess the person who did this disagrees with it. I would love to hear from the other side. I mean, it's legal. So like, sure. Like, I mean, to, I think, uh, you have permission to, to stop being friends with this person, if you will. Yeah.

I mean, look, maybe there's some side of the story. She really needs the money. She's, you know. Right. It would be different if she went into it thinking she could go and then suddenly she couldn't go. Maybe there's a little bit more there. I mean, obviously like it would be nicer to give them to someone since you didn't pay for them. I think, you know what I mean? Like maybe there's, but if you got, if you entered the concert with no intention of going and then you sold them, that's messed up. Yeah. I mean, look, I see the temptation. This is $12,000 we're talking about. Right. And she's not like, oh, I'm selling like cancer. medication that like it's going to save someone's life like I do understand there's a sense of like no one's going to die because they didn't get to go to Taylor Swift right right yes you know I I get it I get the thought crossing your mind I get the temptation I would even get it if you took the 12,000 dollars and gave it to charity of your choice or something like that but right to just take it

and pocket it is it's a free con right when you can't pay anything for it yep yep yep yep all right well We agree on that one. Thankfully, I was nervous coming into this. I don't want to fight with you again. It's a monster. Monster. You don't think I'm the devil. Okay, let's do some intentions.

I'll read them. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm so grateful for this podcast. It helps me work through so many issues in my life, big and small. I'm hoping you can help me set an intention or sort through an issue around health and body image that has been stressing me out ahead of the holidays. For some background, a family member has recently lost a lot of, a lot of weight from using a GLP1,

ozempic-type drug prescription. He historically has not made an effort to live a healthy lifestyle through fitness, nutrition, et cetera, and gained some weight over the years. A few months ago, when he saw a new doctor and his blood work was off, the doctor immediately prescribed him a drug. And then there's me. I have been hyper-aware of foods nutritional value and exercising regularly ever since I learned what a calorie was, L.O.L.

Probably around age 13. My weight has fluctuated over the years, but even through phases being more or less disciplined, I always try to add in a salad or go for a walk. At a recent doctor's appointment, my weight and blood work levels were a little high, but my doctor felt confident I could get it under control through eating better.

While I ultimately am happy for my family member becoming healthy and know I need to stay the course and focus on my own health, I'm extremely jealous that he is able to drown out the food noise and lose weight with the help of a drug, while I have to do it the old-fashioned way and have been unsuccessful. I also know the holidays come with so many indulgent, foods and I can already feel myself nervous to fill my plate in front of him and hearing his comments about the food. I want to feel happy, spending time with my family and confident in my

body and decisions. Can you help me set an intention for how to navigate the situation without lashing out or feeling bad about myself? Love a down bad crying at the gym. That's it. It all comes back to Taylor every time. That's it. Yeah, this is hard. I mean, I don't know too much about it, But OZemPEC seems to work, right? I would say from what I've seen. Yeah. People seem to take it and it seems to work and it seems very tempting. If you are someone who's really been struggling with weight for a long time,

it seems like a really easy, quick fix. And I could see why if it's someone that you know, and it's like we always talk about like someone has something you want. it's really hard not to feel, you know, jealous or have feelings about them getting something that you've wanted really badly for a long time. And I think she wants maybe the body that she wants, but she also probably just wants the peace of mind and to quiet the noise around body image and food and decision making. And like that part is just really draining and exhausting. thing so I can understand why seeing someone close to her who maybe has also struggled is all of a sudden like oh I don't have that problem anymore right and then to feeling of like she said she labels

it like jealousy of like I wish it could be this easy for me but then I'm sure I feel like there's people have so many different feelings about ozempic and part of it is like this feeling of like is it wrong to have this quick fix like does it is it is it, Is it more noble to do it, as she says, the old-fashioned way? But then the feeling, probably the simultaneous feelings of, like, jealousy that someone can look the way they want much faster than someone doing it the other way. So I think there's, like, all these, like, morality issues that feel like they come out up around this kind of thing or, like, the nature of, like, work ethic that's tied into it. And then obviously, like, your feelings with your own success. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. I really get it. And I think what, I mean, the truth of the matter is, I'm sure she could get it if she wanted it. If she really wanted it. Yeah. So I think you need to remember, you're choosing not to do this. Right. So it's not really like a, oh, he, you know, stumbled on this lucky pot of gold called Ozempic. Like if you want it, I'm sure you can find a doctor. Yeah. Who will give it to you. So I think coming back to the idea that you have chosen. not to do this and maybe figuring out why. I'm sure there's some valid reasons, right? One kind of comes back to what we talk about a lot in here, which is like acceptance and growing through discomfort. So like my hunch is if someone takes Ozempic and they lose weight and like weight is no longer an issue, they're going to find another.

issue to replace all the space that their food and their weight and all of that was taking up in their mind. That's my guess. That's what I've seen with most people that I work with where there's some external factor that's creating a problem in their life and then that thing goes away. It's usually replaced by something else. Right. And I think probably deep down she knows that, which is why she's not just going to go get. And if you do, go get an Olympic prescription if you want to, but I think there's something within you that's saying that there is something bigger to be gained by allowing the discomfort of whatever it might be, allowing the discomfort of, I really want to eat that food, but I'm not going to, or allowing the discomfort of,

I ate that food, and now I'm having negative self-talk in my mind about my body, or allowing the discomfort of, I have a larger pants size than I wanted to, or compared to this person, I have a different body shape. Like, all of those things probably make you uncomfortable. And I do think there's a lot of strength and resilience to be gained in not looking to the external to soothe what really is an internal issue. Your self-talk about yourself and your body and, you know, or perhaps your ability to, breathe through a craving for something that you know might not be the best choice for you. So I think that's probably, if I had to guess, what's underlying it is like some larger awareness that this isn't just about Ozympic and weight, that this is about like your sense of self

and how you move through the world. Right. So what intention can she say to herself? I mean, I think the holidays bring up a lot of these like food issues for people who, you know, have feelings or insecurities or like there's just like a, I don't know, I guess there's, it's because there's just, it feels like a comfort food like time of year or it feels like everything, a lot of things revolve around food or large meals. Yeah, it's like the whole social activity is like eating. I mean, I guess not all of it, but there's a lot of like, well, I can't not indulge

on this because it's this one time of year. or maybe it feels like. And everyone's watching me or what I'm eating. And I mean, this is a very timely episode. This episode comes out the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Right. So. Yeah.

And I do, we have a meditation out, a mindful eating meditation for those of you that are interested that might help you kind of, I think if you can do some of the stuff that we're working on where you're not like just reacting, like impulsively reacting. like, oh, whatever, screw OZempic. I'm actually going to enjoy Thanksgiving and I'm going to eat whatever I want. Or, like, I don't need OZempic. I'm going to eat nothing but like salad and green beans. You know, like, I think you can find that middle zone, especially if you try out the

mindful eating meditation of like, I'm going to taste these things that I want to taste, but I'm not going to like, you know, have this all or nothing like, important. impulsive reactive mindset to food. You slow down. I think slowing down in general when it comes to like body image and food and weight and really exploring yourself is helpful. So moving into that where you don't have to, you know, pick one side or the other either. I'm good. And I think that happens with alcohol too. That's how I work with a lot of people with drinking stuff. It's like a lot of times You either go into it with like no plan whatsoever. Right.

And then you just let your impulses or whatever the thought is that pops into your head and the craving that pops into your body just take over. Or you can go into it with like some intention of like, okay, I'm going to go into this. I'm going to have two drinks. Right. And after that point, I'm going to like pause and kind of explore what am I looking for with that next drink? What am I trying to not that we're going to, we don't need to talk about drinking right now, but food. whatever it is, like just slowing everything down and not having to go. A autopilot.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So the intention that I wrote for her is I'm choosing this path to health for a reason. Each moment of discomfort is creating change that will run deeper than my physical body. So not giving in to the quick fix. I think she's doing that for a bigger purpose. If it was just about her body, she would do it. I think she realizes that allowing the discomfort of eating the food or not eating the food can create a larger change in her ability to be resilient in this life, whether it's about body image or food or money.

or romance or love or you want a house, you want clothes, any craving that you have, being able to mindfully move through cravings in life is going to be a change that's going to be bigger. And I think that's what she's looking for. Otherwise, she would just take OZEPA. That's true. Yeah. I think that's a great intention for her and anyone else who's like getting a little anxious

about going into these larger meals or just, I mean, all year round. Great way to think about it. Yeah, I just, I think being intentional and slowing down. And if you're eating food, like, really taste your food. Enjoy it. Take whatever you want on your plate. But as you're eating it, like, really do. And listen to the mindful eating episode.

And it will really help you kind of enjoy. food in a way that's different than how you have before where you're kind of like, you know, all right, screw this. I'm eating whatever I want. And then you're not even really tasting it or enjoying it. You're just kind of like releasing your mind from. Right. Like numbing with it.

Yes. Versus like I am going to enjoy this and I'm going to notice the flavors of this bite. I'm going to smell it before I eat it. I'm going to notice my salivary glands like exploding as I'm eating this food. And you're going to enjoy it in a way that you probably wouldn't have before. And if that's your goal, you could probably eat a little bit less because you're not just mindlessly shoveling in food. Totally. Great tips.

All right. Good luck. All right. Let's do some triggers. Do you want to read our first one? Yes, I will. All right. Hi, ladies.

I hope this gets read on the pod because I'm very curious to hear your thoughts. I've had three serious boyfriends in my life. I learned through stalking, that not one but two of my exes got married on my birthday last year. 66% of the serious relationships I've had in my life now have my birthday as their wedding anniversary. My birthday is November 4th and last year it was on a Saturday. I think what makes it more triggering is that last year was my 30th birthday. And also, November isn't even really in wedding season.

I was with each of these guys for two years. Based on our relationship history, I do believe that both of them know my birthday. I remember their birthdays. Thankfully, I'm engaged to be married to a wonderful man who's a better fit for me than either of these past boyfriends. I think this would have been extra triggering if I was single. Still, this feels extremely hurtful for some reason

if they forgot, it's triggering, and if they didn't forget, it's triggering. Anyway, I would love to hear your thoughts signed Celebrate Me Forever. This was very funny. I do agree that it's strangely coincidental that two of the three got married on the same day, the same day, even as each other. And it happened to be her 30th birthday. Like, yeah, that's a little like odd. I could see like taking a second to think about that. I'll give her that.

Right. However, I think it would be really weird if they chose. to not get married on that day because it was your birthday. Like, your birthday's on a Saturday. If your birthday was on like a Tuesday and two of them got married on a Tuesday that happened to your birthday,

I would say like, that's even weirder. Maybe they're doing this on purpose. It's like a Saturday wedding. There's limited amounts of Saturdays in the year. They both were getting married that year. There's clearly around that time. And I can't imagine saying to my fiancé, we can't get married on this date

that you would like to get married on because it's my ex-girlfriend's birthday. Like, yes. That would be, that would be very triggering for the fiance. Yes, yes. I totally agree with that. That's the issue, right? I'm sure he thought of it, if it makes you feel better, I think it's true.

I'm sure he's aware that it was your birthday. It probably wouldn't have been, like, if everything else was completely equal, his first choice, but there's no way he's bringing that up to his fiance. As a reason that they couldn't do it. Like, I would get married. on an ex's birthday. Totally. I wouldn't be like that day's, you know, too loaded.

Like, I wouldn't, right. I would never say no to a date because someone that I used to be with's birthday was on it. Right. No, 100%. I get what she's, it's almost like, uh, the sign off, like celebrate me forever. Like that day that used to be maybe forever. Like, I don't know if I think about it. probably remember if I, you know, sat down most of my ex's birthdays. And even every now and then

on the day, I might be like, oh, like, that's their birthday. Right. Might cross your mind. But from now on, that's probably going to go to the way back burner and might not even cross their mind at all anymore because it's taken on a bigger meaning for them. So I think that's the part that's hard for her is like, that's the moment. If there's any shot that an old ex is going to like definitely think about you or maybe text you or something. It's going to be on your birthday. And like that's probably not happening as much, if at all, after this. I think she's taking it maybe meaning to be like the birthday doesn't matter to them.

The birthday isn't triggering for them. So the relationship but meant less to them. Right. Which I don't think is the case. Yeah. But like what are they supposed to do on your birthday? Like sit around and think about you all. Like you were all.

Like you were all moved on. Like they're married. You're getting married. Yeah. I don't think. I think it would be weird. I think it's kind of coincidental and strange. I could see like telling all your,

I would tell all my friends if my two exes got married on my 30th birthday. I'd be like, yeah. That's like how weird is that? But I wouldn't be triggered or offended by it. I think it would be very weird to not choose a date because it's your birthday. Yeah. Yes.

I think it would be more triggering almost. like to have avoided that day, which you would never know about, but let's say you did. Yeah, triggering, I think this is low, really weird and like kind of an interesting coincidence. Yes, but this isn't a coincidence rating. This is a triggering rating. So I'm going to give it a relatively low score. I think I'll give it like a three. I was going to say two, three. reason. Yeah, two. Yeah. I was in between two and three. I wanted to try to be nice because it is like a weird thing. But yeah, I would maybe a two and a half because this is, it's not, it's not a reflection of you. It's almost better that it's two. It's both of them in some, in some ways. I think because if it was like one, then maybe there's a story around her feeling like, you know, it never mattered to them or the relationship didn't matter or like there's all this thing where like they didn't celebrate her birthday. And, the way that she, like, wanted with two, it's like, I'm not hearing any of that as like a trigger. Like, I don't know what the trigger is.

I guess it's just about her being significant in someone else's life. But like, relationships over. You're getting married. They're married. Like, you're not significant in their life anymore. That's sort of like what happens. Yes. In some ways, it's probably like good thing to have you just move right along.

You're engaged to someone else. If this happens again, it's the third one. Let us know. Still again, not triggering, but just really, really strange and weird. Yes. But again, your birthday is on. It fell on a Saturday. If it didn't fall on the Saturday, I would say something's like, I would never,

if Mike was like, we can't get married this day, it is my ex-girlfriend's birthday. I would be like, dead in the kitchen. Yeah, it would be. it would be over for him. You could never reject a date for that reason. Yes. But if it makes you feel better, I'm sure it crossed their mind.

Yes. I'm sure they thought of you. Yeah. For a second. And maybe they'll think of you on all of their wedding anniversaries if that makes you feel good. Maybe every wedding anniversary they have, you might be a passing thought.

And it's also so-and-so's birthday. Yeah. Yeah. This is a sign to let it go. this is one of those where you're going to have to just breathe in to the discomfort that that date is no longer about you in your ex's mind. That's hard, but it's reality. And yeah, we've all moved on. You're going to make it through.

You're going to be okay. All right. Let's do one more. I will read it. Okay. Hi, Gergen and Dr. Naomi. I'm writing in because of a recent conversation I had with my mom, and I'm wondering how triggered I can be. For context, I'm 24 and I've been living outside of the country for about a year now.

I communicate regularly with my mom over text and FaceTime multiple times a week. Since I've moved so far away, I've been trying to keep her updated on my life and trying to preserve having a somewhat close relationship. Recently, I told her I had met someone. The text quite literally said, oh, and I met a cute boy. She followed up by asking for his name and a picture of him. I sent a picture from his Instagram but told her I didn't want to send his name because I knew she would try to look him up and learned everything about him. She has done this with past people I've been involved with.

I also told her that nothing had happened yet, and I didn't know if he was interested in me. I'm not someone who dates a lot, so I wanted to refrain from making a big deal out of the situation in case it went nowhere I got rejected. A few days later, I told her I was going to a party, and she asked how it went. She also asked if the boy was there,

except she used his name in the text. I asked her how she could know his name because I explicitly had refused to tell her. She responded, saying, being an internet detective is too easy. Also, his dad aged really well, FYI. Oh my God. I was immediately triggered by this because I had told her not to go crazy internet soccer mode. I told her how uncomfortable it made me that she did a deep dive into not only him, but his entire extended family. Her response was to send a screenshot from his dad's Instagram,

telling me how his dad went to our hometown two years ago. I found this so weird and I went off on her about crossing boundaries and being a psycho. I did not want to know about what this man's dad looked like and found it strange that my mom was so invested in this random off comment, one off comment about me saying I met someone. Is she that desperate for me to find someone? Or is she just trying to embarrass me? Anyway, we haven't talked in three days since the conversation. I want to have a close relationship with my mom to where I can tell her things and be able to trust her response. However, this situation made me really questioned telling her anything about my private life because she reacted like a literal stalker and went against my

wishes to keep it low-key until something actually happened between us. Also, something did happen with the guy at the party, and I'm going to be seeing him again, which is something I would have told her had all of this not happened. Now I'm afraid if I tell her any updates, she'll request his family's Christmas card or something. How do I handle the situation? And is it possible to regain the trust and boundaries? I feel like we're broken here. How triggered can I be daughter of a stalker mother?

Oh, goodness. Just goes to show you stalking. You know, you got to be careful. Like with the first girl, with this woman's mom. Yes. This is like, please, if I ever get like this, you need to like smack me. Is that in your nature? No.

You feel like you'd want to know, right? I mean, look, I think I get being curious. I get, it sounds like she's just kind of. I get being curious. I get see her doing it like kind of like shadily, quietly. I'm surprised she like said something. Yeah. It just feels like so overbearing.

Right. And it just, to me, it's so obvious that this is going to make her want to tell you less. I just don't, there's like consequences for this type of behavior. So I just don't understand how you don't realize that she specifically said, I'm not giving you his name because I don't want you knowing that much. I don't know how this mom doesn't realize that now she's going to have to have consequences. That's just kind of, I think, the natural progression of this

is like, now you just have to tell her even less. Right. I don't think it's done in like a malicious way. I think she's probably like bored. Yes. And I don't think it was to embarrass her. I don't think she was like trying to like invade her privacy. I think she's bored and she cared more about entertaining herself

than she did about making you feel uncomfortable, which is annoying when it's your mom. Because you want your mom to have your mental health as your first priority. And it makes sense why you didn't tell her the name, especially if you know this is what she does. And you're trying to create a close intimate relationship by giving her updates and letting her into your life,

especially when they live far away. So it is really disappointing to be like, now I can't do that. Right. I agree. And I think the problem with internet stalking is that once that becomes like a tool in your toolbox for like whatever it is, gathering data, easing your mind, you know, entertaining yourself, whatever. Now it's like there's, you know that's an option and there's always going to be that like craving with any little piece of information that you get, you know it's like a breadcrumb that you can follow to find out more. So it just creates this like. like itchy craving, which I think is what the mom is feeling, where she needs to like cold turkey go off internet stalking in order to change this.

Right. And the annoying thing, the especially annoying thing about what the mom is done here is that the daughter is trying to like be healthier, not like emotionally masturbate this guy into like, oh, like he visited our hometown two years ago. Like, it'll be so easy for him to come home and like meet my parents and do the whole thing. Like I do feel like. This is what he's going to look like in 30 years. Like he's dad aged well. Yeah. Like she's doing all the right things by like not knowing all that stuff. And it seems like her mom is almost like jeopardizing her ability to like be casual and like see where this goes by getting so overly invested in it.

That it's not only about like not being able to tell my mom things because she doesn't listen when I tell her not to do things. It's also like you kind of like are creating this artificial investment in this person which is like not healthy for me. Like you're kind of like and maybe if she says it like that that'll be. how her mom will get the hint, like, not just like, you did something I asked you not to do, which she probably sees as harmless, is like, I'm trying to like, I have, you know, this hasn't, nothing has happened yet with this person. And I'm trying to just like be casual about it and not get overly invested in it. And when you do that, it makes me, it's actually like bad for me. Because like, if it doesn't work out, I'm going to feel worse if I've stalked his whole family.

Yes, I totally agree. And then on top of that, too, I always find it hard. to interact with people where I know something about them that they don't know that I know. Because then you're sort of like have that in your mind and trying. Like if he says, oh, I once went to that this town. And you're like, oh, wow. My mom already told me that. Like, it's just like you're either like totally fake and phony and almost having to lie

or you're going to have to like throw your mom under the bus. and the fact that you guys were being, you know, or she was being a stalker. So like that also puts her in an uncomfortable position of like not being able to be totally genuine in her interactions with a brand new person. Or you could just be honest and be like, yeah, my mom, this is my mom. And sorry, I already knew that. But yeah, I can definitely see why this is triggering,

especially because you let her know that you didn't want her doing this. she did it anyway. As far as moving forward, I think you can definitely say what you just said, which is like these are the reasons why this makes me feel uncared for and angry and makes me want to not share things with you. And then whether or not you use this as like a warning and give her another chance for another data point of like,

okay, starting on this day, I really told her how it's affecting me and she never did it again. or not, you want to just start telling her less and handle it that way. I don't think, I think you could give her another chance or not give her another chance, but I definitely think it needs to be addressed in a way that's kind of like, I'm, I can't keep opening up to you when you don't hold the information that I'm giving you, like, tenderly. Right.

And just use it for your own personal entertainment, which, you know, you're putting a, my well-being, like you said. Agreed. I'd give this like a six or seven, six and a half. Yeah, I was going to say six. I agree with that. Yeah, it's not the end of the world, but it's definitely, and I think the hard part is like she wants to be close to her mom.

And that's what makes these things triggering is like, I want to be able to tell you things. I want to be able to connect you. I don't want to have to hold back because then it makes the whole relationship feel a little bit more distant if that's what's going on. Like, what are you up to this week? and, oh, not much. Like, I'm not going to tell you that I'm going on a date with someone.

Because you're not going to help me have a good perspective about it. You're going to be, like, overly invested in it. Yes. Prematurely. Yes. Yes. And I think this happens a lot with parents and their kids dating where there's almost like it's like a parental.

Just the mom's perspective, I think sometimes you feel like speaking of, like speaking of, the fear never stops, right? Like, oh, I want to meet a person. I met a person. I want to have a baby. I had a baby. I want the baby to be healthy. Baby's healthy.

They grow up. They go to school. They are an adult. What's the next fear? I hope they find a partner. Right. Like, it's just the next thing after you get through all these things in your 20s and 30s and 40s. And then, you know, in your 60s or however old she is, you start to have that fear.

of like what if my daughter never finds a partner? Right. So I do think it comes perhaps from that fear of her wanting you to be taken care of or to feel loved or to feel like you're going to have someone when she dies or whatever the existential. She's excited on your behalf, whatever it is. Yes. She wants you to be happy or, you know, I get that. But again, this is the type of thing where if you don't work on like tolerating the unknown,

and like breathing into the discomfort of not having control, this is a perfect example of like this mom just trying to like find control in whatever way she can. And her way of control is not like crystals or omens or black birds in the middle of the floor. It's like internet stalking. That's her way of like feeling like she has some control over this. So we've all got our own vices to try to pretend that we have control over the outcome when we really mostly don't.

Agreed. Well, this was triggering. Validated. Validated. For sure. Yeah, I agree. And we'll be back next time with more help for all your problems. Happy Thanksgiving. You're listening. Yes. Real time.

Happy Thanksgiving. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Rebecca Steinberg. Editing by Will Maxwell. Guest booking by Allie Friedlinder. Be sure to follow us on Instagram and everything's fine. And send your advice emails to oversharing at Betches.com or leave us a voicemail

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