Oversharing - I’m Jealous Of My Husband’s Work Wife

Episode Date: May 28, 2024

Today on Oversharing, Dr.Naomi has a bone to pick with Jared after a recent podcast episode. Our Overshare comes from a new mom working on boundaries. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a Betch who does not want to share her birthday with a baby. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for a listener who is struggling with her husband’s new work wife. And we’re feeling triggered by break outs and highschool exes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How is it going?

I know you had some thoughts on the most recent U-Up. So I wanted to know if you wanted to start by discussing that. I've been dying. So I listened to the Sunday. It was the Sunday special. This was the episode that aired May 18th, May 18th, if you're a subscriber, but May 19th for everyone else. And honestly, you texted me something about Jared saying something. And I like, to be totally honest, I record so many episodes. I forget as soon as I leave the studio, what I even talked about. So why do you recap what you heard and how you felt about it? It was very mild. It was slightly past.

passive aggressive. It was funny. He basically was talking about how I asked him to get me tickets for his show at Dallas. And then he said, in very Abraham fashion, she asked for the tickies. You know, like, I think I would let him up to that joke though, because we have a running joke. Maybe this is the one that you wouldn't fully get if you don't listen like every week is that we have a running joke that I'm constantly asking him for like 30 free tickets to every show. And like, I'm always like, oh my God, like, I like, this is so embarrassing, but can I have like an extra two tickets? Because like I'll tell my friends I want, I'm going and then like a couple more want to go. And it's not that I like want everyone to get a free ticket. But then when you have like a few, you want to all sit together. Right. Yeah. Right.

Or at least that's what I tell myself. Well, I also like the VIP treatment of free tickets. Yes. Yes. Well, it's funny because I had a whole thought process around this that I wanted to. Well, first of all, I was like. Jared should have just written into triggered and said, I have a triggered scenario. I have a coworker with eight siblings.

And every time I play a show in any one of the continental United States, I get texts from random siblings asking me for free tickets. And how triggered can I be? I actually don't even think that he's triggered by the ticket. I think he's like, I'm triggered by like the fact that I'm asking for them because I feel so uncomfortable about it. And then I've made it like a recurring thing. So I don't even think he's true. I think he just likes that it's like a funny joke. A funny joke that I don't think the apple doesn't fall far from the apple next to it. I think I even made the joke. Like it's like a you know what I

mean. That's we don't that's our family thing. We don't like paying for tickets. Well, it's it's actually funny because at first I was kind of like, you know, well, trying to justify my head. Well, I did go online to like look to buy tickets and I was like, what are the best seats? I'm like, I want, you know, the best seats. And the best seats at this venue were very expensive, like almost $500. I was like, all right, not doing that. I'm going to just text Jared. I didn't like sit and look through and find out what the second best option was. I just texted him. So I was like going through my head, like defending myself. And then I was being self-reflective. And I was sort of like, you know what? I probably should have just bought the seats, bought the tickets myself and sent him a

Texas and said, hey, can't wait to see you at the show, got tickets for Dallas. But I realize, and the reason why you and I have the same thing, when you grow up with eight children in a house and you go to friendlies and there's free refills, there's two coax for the table. And you just keep as long as the refills. Until the waiter says something. Yeah. So Jared said something.

So now from this moment forward. No, I think it's fine. No, but I do think that's what, I mean, here's the thing. People who are cheap are not cheap just because they're born that way. Like you're cheap as a part of your frugal, I guess is the nicer term for it. Yes. Brugel. Which I, you know, have to, it's not even about the money.

It's about this feeling of like scarcity. Right. You know. Right. Like, and then you just get into a mindset of like kind of looking for the hookup, you know. So, and like you said, you do feel kind of cool. cool. We're like, all right, I know the guy. Well, and here's the other thing. And Jared, if you're listening, because I know you listen to the show,

you can correct me if I'm wrong on you up when I tell you that we talked about this when we record. When you go to any city, you usually in your rider, you get like a bunch of, you get a certain number of free tickets, right? And in a city like, I know this from doing the U-Up tour, in a city like New York, it's like, it's kind of tough because you get the same amount of tickets as you would get in Cleveland, Ohio, but I don't know anyone in Cleveland, Ohio, so I don't really need those free tickets in those comp, comp tickets, as they call them in Ohio, but in New York, there's a million people. So I have a feeling, again, that's why I also think he especially doesn't care about the Dallas show. I doubt he knows, like, he probably has 15 free tickets in Dallas, and probably you're the only

person he knows there. I would never have asked for tickets in New York. Never. I do. I ask for tickets in I do. I asked for tickets in Dallas exactly for that reason. I was like, how many people does he really know in Dallas? I'm sure he gets a handful of tickets. I mean, maybe he knows a lot of people in Dallas.

I don't know. I'm sure he doesn't. I'm sure he like literally, I think it would mortify him to think even think that we were like fully cared. Jared, if you're listening. If you care, he's also people.

I'm also like, because I've had this discussion with him before. I'm like, I know you wouldn't tell me if you thought it was rude. So like just want you to let you know like I'm aware that like it might be rude. Right in. Write a triggered scenario anonymous. If you really think this is rude.

Exactly. We will rate it. And I'm always like, listen, like I hate to ask again. Please tell me if it's like if you can't do it. And he's always like, oh, of course. Like of course. And I think it's a combination of him being very generous and us being very greedy. and it works out for you know the squeaky squeaky wheel gets the grease yes yeah yeah yeah but it's

funny because I really did I listened to it and I know he was joking and he's a comedian but I was like just found myself thinking about it and thinking about it and I'm like why am I still thinking about this and I was like maybe I need to self reflect and Jeff was like yeah you should have bought your own tickets like obviously no he doesn't come from that you don't buy tickets Like you don't have to ask, that's obvious. We're sheisters. That's the Yiddish term for like, what is it? Like a con artist.

Ghanif, Ghanif is better. It's like a, you know, for those who know. Listen, we own it. I've said this about, I say this all the time. We talked about this when we talk about people like in their engagement rings. Like, it's okay.

You've got a quality. It's not the best quality in the entire world. Right. You kind of, oh, maybe you work on it a little and you own it a little. And you see where those two things meet. And like, that's kind of where we are. No, totally. I, I own it.

But I honestly, this was a moment for me being self-reflective. Because I thought to myself after I was kind of like, I, you know, you know, feeling away about it. And then I was like, well, what if Jared decided that he wanted to come to one of Jeff's shows? And he texted me and was like, hey, I want to come to one of Jeff's shows. can you get me tickets? You'd say, of course, wouldn't you? I would say, of course, but there would be a part of me that was like, of course I would give him tickets, but there would be a part of me that would say,

just buy a ticket. And then be like, hey, it's a $20 ticket, you know, I mean, these weren't $20 tickets. So I give myself that. But I probably would have been like, support the artist, buy a ticket. Right. Well, here's what I like to do is like there's a, there's, you just tell someone, oh, you're so excited for the show. And then you hope they offer.

Yes. Next time I'll do that. With Jared, I don't do that. I just ask. Well, Jared, if you're listening,

when you're in Dallas, if Jeff has a show, buy your own fucking ticket. The favor will not be returned. These are like, what are those, the candy grams from mean girls? I don't buy tickets.

I just get them. Right. Right. Right. Oh, gosh. Yeah, this was funny. I was looking to see what you would say about all this.

Yeah. And again, I think with more context of like the running joke of it, it wouldn't, you wouldn't be as offensive. I can understand a one off thing. It's like a little mortifying. But once you realize that I have a, and I've started this joke because of my own self-awareness of me being like 30 tickets. That's a different. I did. I wanted to ask him for six tickets, which I think, which I, which I, which I thought was was was a lot. But again, I'd originally started with four and I added some on before you know. Well, either way, I'm really looking. It's a personal show. It's a private show for free. Jared bought out the whole place just for you and your friends. No, I'm really looking forward to the show. I've actually heard amazing things about it. I'm psyched for a little date night to check out Jared's new stuff. I'm excited for you.

It's a great show. You guys are listening and you haven't seen Jared's new stand-up yet. He had his first, well, you know, we'll pay for our tickets this way. Our first, his first show was on Netflix. amazing. This one, I have to say, even better, even tighter. Such an amazing show. So, so funny. Everyone who sees it lasts the entire time. So go get your tickets. Go to Jaredfreet.com. You'll find a city that he's in. And Jared, we'll call it even after this. Let's jump right in. If you guys have a voicemail. We have a voicemail at the end of this episode. If you have a voicemail, you can leave one at

646363, 663, 6294. Or you can email us at oversharing at betches.com. I'll read the first email. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I love your podcast and have been an avid listener since day one. I recommend it to all my friends. I'm writing in today to see your take on how to set a boundary when the other person doesn't have negative intentions, but their words hurt you nonetheless. I have a developmentally delayed child that was recently diagnosed with a syndrome that is extremely rare and hard to predict how it will manifest.

It is very clear that my child is delayed. However, we have not yet shared the diagnosis with anyone as we are still processing it ourselves and seeking therapy for that. I have a friend who had a child the same time I did, and hers has developed in a normal time frame. We have chatted on numerous occasions about all babies being on their own timeline. I have told her my child is developmentally delayed. This friend is someone I value. She is genuinely kind, but very upfront and direct, and her delivery can sometimes stay. Her child started walking recently, where mine is not yet crawling. She texted me today and said, how are you and how's your baby? Is he crawling yet? We're still taking his time. I just feel so put

off by that. I recognize her intent was probably just showing interest in my child, but the delivery was not ideal and it hurt my feelings. Being that we are not yet ready to share the diagnosis, how would you handle this? I want to nip it in the bud as I don't want repeated follow-ups and I want the comparisons between the two children to stop. How can I go about setting this boundary? It's so hard for me to set boundaries when someone is being quote unquote nice. Thank you for your time. Unconventional motherhooding fetch. Yeah, this is a good question.

I definitely, and she knows it, that the friend was just being like, oh, is he still taking his time? Like kind of all babies develop in their own time frame and he'll get there eventually. I think the issue is that the listener believes this is going to be an ongoing issue with all different types of developmental milestones, not just crawling or, you know, there's going to be several of these that are going to be ongoing. So the whole concept of like all babies develop in their own time was like niceties that they were having when this is not exactly. The initial conversation that they had around this and like all babies develop in their own time is not what's

happening. So how does she kind of unwrable? from that. Right. At this point. And I think it's hard because in some senses, like, if you're a friend and you're in a position that's like you're luckier than someone else in a certain aspect. And I've seen this in terms of like dating or getting pregnant or, you know, kids, again, kids milestones, all that stuff. It can be like, I think it's tough to know how you want the person to, how the person wants you to reach out. Because sometimes it's kind of like, there are some people who would be like annoyed if she said nothing.

Like, oh, you don't, you're not even, you don't even care that I'm going through this like hard time of figuring out, um, what's going on with my son. So I think that like if she said nothing,

she might be upset. Yes. If she's saying this she might. I could see why this would be upsetting. I'm totally validating that she's saying that too, especially because it's like she has the kid that's walking. Mm-hmm. So she's just like casually, it just can feel like she's like, oh, like it's, to her, it comes off

like, oh, you're checking in to just like remind me that your kid is fine. And like it's almost like you feel like you're being pitied a little bit. Like, how's it going over there? Is he still not crawling? So I do think it's hard to know how to, how to ask about that kind of thing. Totally. And I know she said she's not ready to share the diagnosis. And I don't think she has to share the diagnosis.

but I do. I think she said she did share it with her, though. She said she's that she shared that he has some developmental delays. Right, but not the actual thing, I guess. Right. It could have, and I don't know what that is. It could be like, oh, yeah, he's, you know, he's, the doctors say he should be crawling by now, but he's not yet. Which is kind of like, all right, in this one little area, he's not doing the thing,

which doesn't let the friend know that this is a sensitive topic and that he does have a diagnosis. and that this is going to be ongoing and something that she's like dealing with on a larger level than just, you know, like I think Brooks didn't walk until he was like 17 or 18 months or something that was like on the later end of the spectrum of walking. And yes, it's concerning, but that's different than someone who has a diagnosis and is going to be dealing with this ongoing. So I know she doesn't want to share, sounds like she doesn't want to share the diagnosis. she doesn't necessarily have to, but I think she can share her feelings around this seems like

it's something that is going to be ongoing for him and whatever she wants. Like you said, like I don't, you know, it hurts my feelings or it brings everything to light when, you know, we talk about comparing where this child is and that child is. So like, I'll keep you posted. I know it's hard to be vulnerable. And that's not the only option of how to do it. But if she can bring herself, I think it might be a good first step because this is probably going to come up with, for her certainly, in her own mind, coming to terms with whatever his diagnosis is and what his delays are. And sharing with this friend might be a good first step.

But if she's not ready, she can just say, no, he's actually not crawling yet. and I prefer not to really talk about it. Right. That might give the sign that this is something touchy without her necessarily saying that. Yeah. And it's hard because I think like as someone who's also gone through like stuff again where you feel like you're kind of like in a comparison mode. I think it's hard because you sometimes you want a different thing based on like a different day.

Like sometimes you want someone to like reach out and ask you and like you want to talk about it. And sometimes you're like, oh, I just want to like enjoy my day and not think about the fact that like my son is behind your son or something. Right. So I think it's hard because it's like when you're laying a boundary, it might just be a boundary for that day. And I think kind of what you're saying is probably like the best move. Like if it's okay, like I'd rather reach out to you to let you know when I'm like in a place to talk about it. Right. Yeah, I think if this is a friend, she has to in some way let her know she doesn't have to but i think it would be good in some way to let her know this is really starting to worry me or like this is something that i'm coming to terms with

and it's tough to talk about so you know i'll i'll reach out to you or that kind i think she has to in some way let her know that she's struggling with us she doesn't have to give the diagnosis necessarily but she could just say these delay i'm starting to realize that these delays are, you know, are really hard for me to come to terms with. So, and I just don't really feel like talking about it right now, maybe down the road. She could even say if that, if that is how she feels or if she doesn't want to talk about it down the road, don't say that. But just kind of cluing her in that this is a sensitive topic for you, I think would be helpful so that she knows where you stand. But then, yeah, once you set that boundary, if I don't want to talk about it, then in two

weeks, you have to be the one to kind of approach her. I feel like I'm in a better place to talk about this now. This is kind of what's going on or this is how I feel. Right. Yeah. And I think like if those things like over, if you do a phone call, those are always feel more like you get a tone. You get.

And that's why I feel like those conversations are always better when you're like having a full catch up like in person or on the phone because you really get it doesn't have to one be about that whole thing like in a way that a text does. and I think you get the tone more. Yeah, because if you just say, I don't really feel like talking about it, that can be over text. That can be conveyed 10 different ways.

Right. One of which is like, you know, nice and just kind of I'm setting a boundary. And one is like, I really don't want to talk about it. Like, back off. I'm trying to think, like, I feel like what would you do in this scenario if you were the friend and you had a friend

whose kid was behind yours? What's the, like, what is the proper protocol for, the other side of this. Yeah, and that's why I'm suggesting that she let her know, because I think if she doesn't know that it's an ongoing problem, that's something she's really concerned about, then I think what she said, which was like, oh, is he still taking his time,

is kind of like, oh, this is no big deal. You know, he's just taking us time to crawl, no big deal. So I, you know, I- And she probably sees it as a nice thing, like, oh, I'm just checking in on you. Right. How are you doing? Right. And she, the listener, I think,

knows that, but I validate that it could be triggering. But yeah, I think that if someone comes to me and says, this is a tough topic, I really don't want to talk about it. I would never ask about, you know, she'd probably never ask about it again unless you come back and undo it. I'm sure she has no bad intentions. But yeah, if you're still in a place where you're not really fully accepting it and willing to lean in and willing to, you know, share, then I think.

I think, you know, you can just say, I'm having a tough time with it. I'd rather not talk about it. I hope you understand. I think it's kind of a nice little throw in at the end just to soften things a little bit. But yeah, this is, and like it's a good comparison that you make where it's like if two people are both looking for a job and one person gets a job. It's like, do I keep asking you if you, about how it's going or, you know. I think single people feel like that a lot of the time too, where it's like your friends and relationships. relationships or married or like how to go with that guy like what happened and then you have to be like

oh now I have to tell them that he you know ghosted me yeah he broke up with me and I don't you know I want to tell you that when I feel like telling you about that I don't want to be like giving you regular check-in so that I could feel worse telling that to someone who's having success in this totally area and look for our purposes on this podcast of like mental health and well-being I do think that working your way towards having less of those things that are super triggering is the best thing you can do for yourself. So I do think for the listener getting into therapy, talking with her partner, trying to find a way that she can work towards accepting this so that it doesn't, she's not triggered as often because she's like, yep, I know what this is. I've like cried about it.

I've, you know, learned about it. I'm working through accepting it is going to lead her to a place where she's not feeling this way. Same thing with being single or being unemployed or, you know, whatever issues come up for people. So I know that's not easy, but, and it sounds like she's working to get there. But yeah, harder to avoid triggers than it is to work on, like tolerating the thing that's being triggered frequently.

Okay. Well, I think that's a good first step and good luck with that. Let's do a betchesist. Do you want to read this one? Yeah, I'll read this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I think I have an ethical dilemma for you. I'm a 25-year-old female and my boyfriend of three years is 26. We just found out that my boyfriend's nephew, who turns one on May 29th was having his birthday party on my own birthday, June 1st. June 1st is a Saturday and I'll be turning 26. To provide some context, his cousin and nephew live about one and a half hours away. They're a really close family and I don't want to go. My dilemma is, do I go to the birthday party or do I stay in my town and make birthday plans with friends? I know that my boyfriend's family will expect us to go, but I don't really want to spend my birthday somewhere else to celebrate a one-year-old's birthday, which he won't even remember when he grows up. I know the boy's mom will definitely give my boyfriend a hard time if he or I don't attend. If I don't go, what should I say to the mom or cousin to explain my reason?

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this from a selfish birthday girl. I like this one, very straightforward. It's funny. Like, I feel like part of me is like, yeah, it's your birthday. Do whatever you want. You know, but then like how does that come off to someone else? And it reminded me of our other conversation where the friends were asking them to babysit. Oh, right.

And she didn't want to babysit. And you suggested just saying, I'm not able. to like to go. Right. And how I would do, I mean, for me, it's that would, that sounds really hard. And for this, like to say, I'm not going because it's my birthday or I'm not going. I'm unable to attend would feel like you would need to give a reason. Yes.

Right. Yes. Yes. For sure. I mean, look, I'm assuming. I think if, if she's not going just because she wants to like. sit in her apartment and do nothing on her birthday. I think maybe she could go.

If she's not going because she actually wants to like go meet some friends for lunch or go to a yoga class in the morning or go whatever it is that she wants to do for her birthday or she's having some plans, then I think she could say I have plans. It's my birthday and I've made plans. Even if her plans are I've made a plan to go to yoga in the morning. and then I've made a plan to go get my nails done, and then I've made dinner plans with friends.

I think that's reasonable. What if she's made these plans after she got the invite? Right. I mean, she still has the plans. What if her birthday, but what if her ideal birthday is sitting home in her apartment and doing nothing and watching her favorite show? Right.

Yeah. And look, I think that that is okay as well. It depends what the expectations are in the relationship, I think, too. I think if the boyfriend is fine with it and doesn't care, and he's kind of like, all right, if you have this similar occasion on your side of the family, I'm not probably going to go either. It's like a hall pass on both of them. Then great.

If he finds it important and he's very close to this nephew and he feels like, you know, I want you to, I want you to be there. Like we talked about. if he has a reason, like a real reason why he gets to pick however many events a year that are like really important that this person goes to, I think that's different than if she's going just not to upset the cousin and the sister. Because I do agree. Yeah. He's not going to remember the kid. Right.

The kid's not going to remember. And honestly, even when they do, it's interesting with kids' birthdays with like adults coming to kids' birthdays because I have I've been through all the ages pretty much. My oldest is 12. When they're little, they don't know what's going on. They don't really notice anything. And then by the time they're like aware enough, they're kind of hanging out with their friends at their birthday anyway. So it's more of a gesture not for the kid necessarily as it is a gesture for the right family members who are as like a gesture of like, I know, here for the kid.

I think what you could say is we'd like to come by and bring him a present on this such and such day. Or like the boyfriend can go. I think that's the boyfriend should probably go. I agree. I think if you're not married, you don't need to go on your birthday. Yeah. To the nephews.

Put a ring on it and then she'll attend. Yeah. I think he can go. You can stay home and you can say, hey, I'd love to come by next weekend and bring him a birthday present and a cupcake. And I think that would be really nice. Like I think it's also matters if you just totally ignore the birthday. If you're kind of like, you know what?

Let's let the fun continue. It's my birthday that day. I have had some plans in mind. You can say. Add some plans in mind. I like that. It's not a lie. Not a lie.

Sounds a little ruder than I have plans that I've made. Right. That are not going to a one-year-old's plan. Right. That don't involve you and. your son's birthday. But I would love to come by next weekend. I have,

you know, I have a present for him and I want to bring him a little something. Hopefully that works for you or give me a day that works for you. I think if you offer to celebrate a different time and follow through and actually like do it, I think that's great. Honestly. Yeah. I don't think it's about the kid.

I think the kid is in this case, you know, people do that sometimes with kids. They're like, well, you're letting down so-and-so is going to be so disappointed. It's like, no, not really. Yeah, they never care. It's about just showing up to show that you care.

But I agree. If you show that you care in a different way, I don't think you have to go to the actual day. Also, like, what, your birthday's on a Saturday? Like, probably like first time and five years, whatever the, however many days it is. Like, you don't have to spend it up like an hour and a half away that's going to be the entire day. Totally. And I, but I do think a nice gesture would be to follow up with a visit and a gift for the kids. Yes, definitely send a gift.

Yeah. All right. Problem solved. You got permission. I hope. We're going to get an email in two weeks for, so I'm broken up. No. Does that someone you really want to be with?

Let's do some intentions. Okay. Okay. I'll read them. Hello. I'm hoping you can help me set an intention. My husband recently started a new job, and I keep finding myself anxious about his relationship with one of his new coworkers. For context, my husband, let's call him Pat, started a new job in March.

His old job was very boring in an old government building working with people a minimum of 10 years older than him. Many people on the break of retirement. He was miserable there. His new job is great. He's making a lot more money, works in a brand new building, and is doing work that suits his skills and interest more. His team consists of him, his boss, a woman. who will call Jen. There's also a small rotation of interns, but I'm not sure how often they are in office or how much interaction he has with them. Since day one, Pat has come home talking about how

great his new job is and mentioning how much he likes Jen. He never outright says, I really like Jen, but he is constantly telling me some new cool fact about her. For example, I just found out Jen went to Juilliard, or Jen is really into insert a handful of activities that we are also really into. From the beginning, I felt a bit uneasy with how cool his new co-worker is and how well they get along. I'm not the jealous type and I try to support Pat and all that he does, so I consistently remind myself that I trust him and I have nothing to worry about. Plus, she's 10 years older than us and is married herself, although she doesn't have kids, which I somehow find more threatening. But I can't stop my anxiety about the situation. It doesn't help that I'm

currently a stay-at-home mom to her three-month-old baby, so I'm not getting a ton of exciting and new adult interactions these days. He just got home from work and told me that they are thinking of switching their work from home days. He works from home twice a week to line up with each other. The nature of their work is very confidential, so his team works in a closed-off space. This means that some days it's just him alone in the office or vice versa for her. But if they switch days, they'd always have company.

For some reason, this sent me spiraling. I even went looking through his phone, which I've done maybe one other time in our four-year relationship and found that they exchanged numbers today and briefly texted about work but in a fun slash joking manner. I trust my husband. I don't think he would ever willingly cheat on me. I'm more scared that he could develop feelings or create a close bond with Jen without meaning to. Can you help me set an intention for when I start getting anxiety about this? Thank you and anxious batch. Oh, I validate this. I feel like being at home with a newborn baby, like just no adult interaction and he's leaving and meeting some cool new co-worker and who he seems

excited about and into is you know and then to find out that they're switching their days to you know so that they can work together i totally validate that i don't know that many people that would be thrilled with this situation that doesn't mean i think he's doing anything i don't i don't think he's doing anything wrong. I don't think, but I get the feeling of like he's going, like naturally going to develop a bond with this person, spending time alone together, already thinking that she's kind of like a cool person. Right. Yeah. No, I totally, I validate that. I think like, again, especially I think if she's kind of home all day with this baby, probably not getting out much, not feeling like the hottest version of herself, I imagine

if she has a three month old could probably also help add to the issue. I do think that like if there was anything going on, he'd be much less likely to be like talking about how great she is to you. Like that's almost a good sign. Yes. And it sounds like he came home the day that they exchanged phone numbers and basically said pretty much that like pretty much said, we're going to try to work together in the same days.

Like he's telling you everything. He's like coming home. and being very open about everything. I don't think this listener's concern is really, as she says at the end, that he's going to cheat. I mean, I guess that's the end of the line concern.

I think the concern is that he's going to develop a bond with another woman, even if it's like I think that can feel threatening, even if they don't have sex with each other or have flirtation with each other. Or I think it can be threatening just, to know that your partner has some type of a close bond with another woman, you know, if it's a man or another person that they find,

that they could potentially find attractive, even if nothing happens, just that idea. Right. Even them wanting to or thinking about it or feeling closeness to someone else can feel threatening. So, yeah, I totally get that. My thought on this is, and it's funny because some people will, say, like, I'm not a jealous person, right? It's like a quality that they say about themselves,

but that's situationally dependent. Right. That's not really true in this instance. Right. Which is normal, but I think if you're used to not having these types of scenarios, I guess I bring it up because I think it's totally normal and she should say something to him about what she's feeling. And that doesn't, if she shares with him how she's feeling, that doesn't mean she's not being supportive. That doesn't mean that she's telling him he should go back to his other job with all the old men and the old building. Like, that's not what she's saying. She's just sharing that she's feeling how she's feeling about this, that like the idea of you getting close to someone else, spending all this time alone at work with them is making me uncomfortable. And I just have to tell you probably because I'm looking for some reassurance.

and I don't think that's any you know she has to be able to do that without feeling like she's not being supportive of his new job yeah I mean you're saying she should say makes me uncomfortable but I think she should say makes me a little jealous okay could add like a little hotness to the relationship do you know right right right especially if I think if it's done in like kind of like almost like a playful manner like if he says like oh did you know jenn met him until juliar and I'll be like no I didn't know that tell me more like how like A little passive aggressive. No, but like in a playful, do you know what I mean?

Like in a playful way, I think it kind of takes the like intensity out of the situation. I'd be like, do you know what I mean? To like make it a little more like fun and flirty between the two of you. Yes, that's a great. I like that idea. I don't know if the passive aggressive is great, but I think the flirt. I like the idea of saying, I do think saying it makes me jealous instead of uncomfortable can bring a little bit, like you said, of like a hot kind of like, you're my,

man and I don't want to share you, which I think would feel good to him instead of feeling like I'm that now I'm in trouble. I did something wrong. I shouldn't have said she, I shouldn't have said she went to Juilliard. I shouldn't have said. So because that's going to make him feel like now he has to clam up and he can't talk about things. So I like the idea of making it like a little sexy of like.

an opportunity to be flirtatious in the relationship between the two of you of like. Yeah. I think that in like a light dose is obviously like no one wants to be with someone who's like checking their phone or like constantly like accusing them of doing things. But I think like a little bit of a light vulnerability mixed with humor in this situation would probably go a long way and get her like some reassurance that she that she needs. Right. I think so yes, I like it. I think it's one option. I do think if they're married, they have a kid. I think she can be more vulnerable than that. I'm home with the baby. I'm not feeling like my sexiest. I don't have a lot of adult interaction. You get up, you look good. You go to work. Like, you know, I'm feeling jealous. I think it's fine to say that if that's how she's feeling. And look, these are two options, right? One option is your option, which is just make it like, light and fun and flirty and like a little passive.

Another option, and this is like the, you know, the friend versus the therapist is doing that, but with a follow up of like, you know, I'm really happy that you're talking with me. Like, I want you to continue to be open. Like I want to know who you're interacting with at work. I want to be included in like some of the interesting, fun things that you guys talk about. because I don't really have a lot of that. So when you come home from work, I'm happy for you to share what's going on.

I just want you to be aware that this, you know, tweaks me a little bit. It brought up a little bit of jealousy and just kind of let him know. And I think letting him know that you want a desire, you have that desire for connection with him is an important piece of this. Because a lot of times I think it comes off as these interactions can go wrong. if the message is sent, like you were bad. You shouldn't have said this, that, and the other.

You shouldn't keep bringing her up. Like that's what's making me uncomfortable. It's not that he's bringing it up that's making you uncomfortable. It's just a situation. He did nothing wrong. In fact, I want to feel close to you. I want to be connected. I want to have these great conversations with you.

So using it, this little triggering thing as a way to let him know, I want to, you know, I want to stay connected with you. I want to have interesting things to talk about with you. And yeah, there's a little something hot about like I'm feeling a little possessive over you or like I'm feel for, I think especially for men, there is that feeling of like, ooh, like she's really wants me, you know? Right. So yeah, I think I agree. I think you can do it in a flirty way. But I would, you know, I think this is a big thing. You're home with a baby all day. He's going out. I think there's more to it than just maybe even this one relationship. It's probably just a feeling of, oh, I want some human interaction.

Right. Totally agree. And I would say on that last note of the human interaction, I think sometimes you like that phrase like idle hands or like the devils, whatever. Like if I were her, I would also like make a plan for yourself. Like go out with some girlfriends. Like go have a fun night out or with him or with your friends. go take a class.

Like I would make an effort to get out because I think when your, when your entire world is one thing and it's like in your home, that can amplify those feelings if you feel like all of your extra time is spent like investigating what's going on with him. It might be, that energy might be better suited until like making a fun experience for yourself or getting out. Totally.

I love that. And it would also, there might be some jealousy around. him just getting up and going to work and leaving the house and getting dressed. I know that when you have a newborn baby, it's very hard to like get up and make yourself presentable and, you know, your body's different and there's spit up on everything and, you know, so I do think that you making a point like you said to kind of develop your own life within the confines of how you can do that, whether it's when he gets home from work without the baby or bringing the baby

to be able to feel like, okay, I'm not, he has his life and I also have mine that I feel really good about. So I did write an intention for her, which is vulnerability expressed with calmness, love and desire for connection will keep us strong. So maybe this goes a little bit against kind of what you're saying of like making it playful, but you can tweak that and add playfulness to that too. So I think you guys will stay strong. if you can express how you feel, maybe with playfulness, love and desire for connection. I think those are the things that are really going to let him know, like, I have this intense connection at home, which is also going to make you feel better about, you know, him thinking

about you when he's away. Okay. Let's do some triggers. Hi, Dr. Dana and Dr. Naomi. I'm writing in with a triggered scenario I experienced at the office. For contacts, I'm 25 years old and have struggled with cystic acne my whole life. After a recent visit to the dermatologist, I was prescribed a few topicals and a face watch to try since other treatments have not been working for me.

The dermatologist said my skin can have a purging reaction and get worse before it gets better. I stopped by a coworker's desk to chat and after a minute or so, he said, what's on your forehead? Are you breaking out? Oh, you must be stressed. I was mortified. I didn't even know what to say. I just said, oh, yeah, that must be it.

I'm very stressed right now. And walked back to my desk, shocked and so embarrassed. When I got back to my desk, I thought of all the things I should have said. Dr. Naomi, I thought of your advice from a previous episode. I should have said, did you mean to say that out loud? How triggered can I be? Thank you for all you do. I've been a listener since the beginning and absolutely love this podcast.

That's triggering. Who would say that to someone? Are you breaking out? Like, as if there's something that she could do to like stop that. Right. It's not like saying your fly is open. Right. Right.

I don't understand the need for grown adults to make comments on other people's appearance. Like it's just so obvious. But, um, yes. Especially for this kind of thing where you're like, you sort of like in order to make it out of your house, you kind of have to convince yourself that it's a bigger thing to you. And no one else is like looking at it as intensely as you. you are and like do you know what I mean like whenever I have like a big pimple I'm like I'm the only one

who's like seeing this in the mirror and then for someone to like say that is I I totally get I think this is like an 8.5 yeah so annoying well look maybe the medication is working hopefully by the time this airs everything will have calmed down and um but yeah super triggering like we've all seen someone that has acne. Nobody says anything about it. Like it just it is the thing. You notice it. You move on with your day. We've probably all had acne and realize that like the last thing you need is someone pointing it out. Imagine being married to that guy. Oh gosh. Seriously. Yeah, I feel bad for him. Yeah, I agree. I give this definitely an eight. I'm sorry this happened to you. So annoying. Yes. Validated triggering.

I guess you could, you know, if you wanted to be childish, you could just find something to point out about him that might be upsetting to him. But that's too wrong. So I'll make a right. I think your advice from a previous one, which she referenced about, did you mean to say that out loud? Right. I think is like the best, the best thing you could say. That would have been great. That would have been great.

What would he have said to that? Because it's so shaming without being aggressive. Do you know what I mean? Did you mean to say that out loud? Right. Just sit there and watch their reaction. Totally. Well, now you know.

Now you're prepared in case it happens again. Yeah. No. Don't come back at him. Be the bigger person. You got this. Yeah. You'll show him.

Put him on your list. Our next trigger is a voicemail. Let's play it. Okay. I'm going to try a second time to do this. I was nervous the first time, but hi, hi, Dr. Naomi, and Jordana. I'm a 26-year-old female, and I've been in a relationship for three years with my boyfriend, and it was his birthday today.

and when I was talking to him, he said that his ex-girlfriend from high school messaged him happy birthday, and for some reason that really triggered me. So he said he was going to answer her, and, you know, if I trusted him that I should know that nothing's going to come from it, but I felt that he shouldn't have to message her back, and I guess it just bothers me that she's still thinking about him on his birthday. How triggered should I be? Thank you so much for what you do. And I hope to hear your thoughts soon.

Bye. All right. The old ex birthday text. Yes. I don't think, here's the thing. I think, again, going back to like ex relationships and jealousy, I think the fact that he told you she texted, great sign. Mm-hmm.

I think if he wants to respond, thanks, hope all as well. It's not that big of a deal. Yes. It's kind. It's a kind person move. Totally. I think ignoring it makes it seem like he's, you know, not over it or having some kind of a problem with it.

I think it's totally fine to write thanks hope all as well. Right. If he responds with a question that opens up a conversation, I think that's a little bit different. And then that's a conversation between the two of you about being friends with exes, which sounds like for you is not what you're interested in doing in your relationship. So I think just responding, thanks, hope all as well is fine. If you respond by opening up a dialogue, that's a different conversation that you guys have to have about how comfortable you are with each other being friends with your exes. Right. Yeah. I don't think the situation,

is helped by the ex thinking that he hates her. Yes. Like not responding. And she's, I mean, she said the triggering part is almost that his ex is still thinking about him. Like that you can't, it's not his fault.

You can't control. And like, so there's going to be a lot of people probably. Yes. Think or have thought about him. You can't police thoughts. Yes. I understand why it's like annoying,

but I don't think anyone's done anything wrong. Totally. Yeah, I would put this pretty low on the triggered scale. I think a birthday, text from an ex that's simply happy birthday. If it was more than that, if it was I miss you, if it was, you know, we should catch up soon.

Yes. Those things are more triggering. A simple happy birthday. Sometimes you just kind of like once you're dating someone for a while, that date will remember it. Yeah. You're going to remember it forever, you know, random, whatever the date is. When that date, you notice that date on the calendar, you're going to think about that person.

that's it and maybe a happy a happy birthday text I don't think it's a big deal but yeah you can't pull these people's thoughts she was thinking about him I think if he responds kindly it's mature and yeah and again he told you it wasn't like he was having some shit you discovered

after like you know three weeks later he was having a conversation with his ex-girlfriend who wished him happy birthday I think when you tell people those things I think it also makes them less loaded yeah I'm like he's not being sketchy. He didn't have, he really didn't. He could have just wrote thanks and he didn't

really have to mention that. Yeah. That wouldn't have been crazy. Right. Also. But he did. So good sign. I think he's good. You're good. You're good. He's good. It's okay. Take a breath. You're going to be all right. I get it. Um, exes can be triggering. But if you wanted to be with her, he would have been with her. And if he did want to be with her and she ended it, well, look who's, uh, you know, feeling regretful now. He's with you. He told you take a breath. You're good. Exactly. All right. Well, that's our episode. Great emails today. Thank you guys for writing in. Yeah, thanks for writing in. Keep them coming. And yeah, that's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby. Editing by Jazz Apados. Guest booking by Allie Friedlander.

And send your emails to Oversharing at Betches.com. Thank you.