Oversharing - I’m Resentful Of Being A Stay At Home Mom

Episode Date: January 7, 2025

This week, Jordana and Dr. Naomi talk about splurging on your family, and learning how to show appreciation even when you receive a gift that you don’t love. Our Overshare comes from a Betch who wonders if it’s her place as a stepmom to critique her partner’s parenting style. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a mom feeling frustrated with family members giving unapproved gifts to her kid. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for managing stress without letting it manifest into a short temper. And we’re feeling triggered by getting left out of Secret Santa, and parents who don’t prioritize our sobriety journey. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. Happy New Year.

Happy New Year. So many holiday issues. The kids are still in the middle, smack in the middle. of their winter break. So we're trying to stay busy. We did not do any vacations, pretty much working the whole way through. Although I did decide instead of taking them on vacation, yesterday we went to six flags and I splurged on a flash pass.

Ooh. For all of us. It's really, it's kind of a crazy, the lines were insanely long. I'm sure this week, yeah. Insane. And then when you have this flash pass. I almost like can't make eye contact with people when I'm like I feel really bad. Like you just literally skip the whole line.

It's worth it, right? And it's worth it. I mean, we didn't take any trips. We didn't do any vacations. I was like, we're just going to have a day and just get VIP roller coaster treatment. If you're going to do it, do it right. Yeah. I couldn't imagine.

I mean, we went on this ride and I heard this woman talking like, They waited online like an hour and a half and the ride is like 45 seconds. Well, I think I saw somewhere that like the things that you should spend money on like for your like that actually make you happy are the things that save you time. Yes, it is really, it is really true. Because you can't, that's like the one resource that like is that everyone has the same amount of, right? Yes. It's time technically. Yes.

I guess the flip side. is, which I thought about is like, when you're waiting online, you're having some chats, you're like maybe playing a game, you're spending some quality time, but an hour and a half, there's a lot of chatting. Right. There's only so many games you can play. Even when you get the flashbacks, I still feel like there's like a little line, right? Yeah.

So you can do that during your little line. Yeah. It all tastes of what it's like to be a regular person. It is. It was fun. It was really cool to just kind. kind of, you know, there's something really fun about just going from like ride to ride to ride to ride. Like it was, it was cool.

But I realized that, I mean, I've done many, many. Were you there that one time we went to Splish Splash? Was that the name of the place? Like in Riverhead in Long Island, we went to a water park. It was just the most horrific experience. It was like an hour and a half, two hour ride out there. and then you're like standing around in this wet, dirty water waiting on these stairs to go up. You know, on these.

So we ended up going, waited like an hour and a half to go on like a water slide. Somebody had a meltdown. We went into the, you know, wave pool for like 10 minutes and then turned around and went home. Yeah. No, I do. I do kind of vaguely remember this. I think I was a little young to like remember that like we turned around and went home. You were not part of the logistics probably.

Like, I was the decision maker. Decision making. Yeah. But I remember, like, being on a line on the stairs to get up to whatever slide. But I also had something else I wanted to talk about, which was like, I thought was kind of funny. So, I mean, since marrying Mike or since being with Mike, I've been much more involved, obviously, in the Christmas culture. And a big part of it is gift giving, right? And so it's been interesting.

Like there's just a lot more gift giving around Christmas than anything like Hanukkah related. Like, and I, that is not my love language. Like, I don't really like receiving gifts that much. I don't really like giving gifts that much. I just find it like it's not like the way that I'm expressing myself well. But I got, but it was interesting. So Mike for the holidays got me like, I'm looking, I'm trying to decorate my office, which I'm currently in.

So he got me like these framed articles, like New York Times articles that I was like, that Betches was mentioned in. Right. That's thoughtful. That's nice. Which was really thoughtful, but I get the,

and I was thinking of doing this myself, but I guess he, he went ahead and did it for me, which is nice in theory. But then I unwrapped the gift and like, it's nice. It's like the article, but like he,

I guess because the article, was like in the newspaper and it was part of it was on one side of the newspaper and the other part was on like the other part of the page. You could only use one unless you had two newspapers. Right. And I guess I only had one. So he chose like it kind of like starts in the middle of the article like the framed part and it doesn't have the other side which has like a picture in it. Okay. So I see it. I open it. I'm like oh like this is so nice and so thoughtful. But then I want to redo the entire thing. Yeah. And then my immediate thought is like, oh, he like didn't pick the, I'm like, I'm like a little

irritated even though it's like a thoughtful, nice get. Do you know what I mean? So, and we get so many, we get so many emails about like gifts and like issues around. And we have one in this, in this outline that we're about to do. But it's just so funny because I'm like, my initial thought is like, oh, this is so sweet. Like the frame is so beautiful. But like, where's the other side. Like, where's the side? And he's like, oh, like, I thought you wouldn't, you'd rather, like, the bigger part of the article. Than the part with the photo. Yeah, within the part with the photo, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, I'm like, again, I'm being like nice about it, but I think it has, he could tell, like, I'm like, I'm not like, I wasn't immediately, like, I love every aspect of it.

And then he, like, and then he was kind of down for like an hour feeling like, oh, like he, he, like he didn't do it right or I didn't, I didn't like it. And he's like trying to explain why he like did the things he did. And I'm like, yeah, yeah. But like, I totally get that. I again, like really appreciate the thought. But it was just like awkward, I think for a little bit. And then it's funny. So then I googled.

And I have podcasts where I give it. I have podcasts where I give advice on like three different platforms. I googled like what to do if like you have an issue with your husband's gift. Yes. Oh my gosh. So what did it say? It was like, you should like... What did AI have to say about this?

AI, I thought had great advice. AI was like, in the moment, be like super appreciative, like talk about the parts of the gifts that you really like. And then they're like, when time has passed, like after the gift opening, you can go back and explain why like it wasn't exactly to your taste to your loved one. Like, and how they might get a different gift at different time. But like with space in between the opening of the gift and the other. Which I thought was good advice. Because I think like when someone gives you, when someone's watching you open their gift, they just want to feel like you liked it. That's the moment that they're looking for their little bit of dopamine hit of like watching you enjoy the gift.

So you want to give that to them. Right. And that's the part. That's for them. Right. It is really funny. It was like, you know, even gift giving feels good because. of that moment because you get to like see somebody excited. And so I like that advice because it's kind of

like you want to give them that moment of feeling excited and loving. Yes, totally. Right. So you did it all wrong. Yes. I did it wrong. And then I like, we took an hour and I was like still kind. I felt bad, but I was also still kind of annoyed because it was like my only copy of the newspaper. So I was like. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure like Eileen or Sammy has an extra copy somewhere or something like that. So I was like kind of annoyed but also like felt bad that he like it was clearly like not, you know, obviously not an intentional thing. And he thought he was doing something really nice. So I'm like both I'm sort of like having multiple emotions at once. It's like one being like a little irritated. And then two also feeling like bad. But then I read the thing on AI and then I like went back and I apologize. Okay. Good. And he was like, you know, he was fine. And he felt bad too that he like didn't do it. Right. It was like. But it was like. But it was just. it's one of those things where like I feel like it didn't you want it to go a certain way and it didn't

and then I was like because I remember when I first said it I was like he was like oh I really thought like blah blah blah and I was like it's like this like sucks that you like don't that's not like how you wanted it and I was like should I have like pretended to like I was like that to him and then I felt bad I was saying I was like did you want me to like not say anything like I don't know like I'm not really sure what I was supposed to do in that moment. But I guess I think, again, I think AI has the way to do it. Yes. So what are you going to do now?

So now I think I'm going to try to find the other part of the article. And then I'm just going to see if they can like move, like add it into the frame or like move it around into the frame. And if not, whatever, it'll have the part. It'll be like half the article. It'll be like not exactly how I want it and I'll like get over it. Yes. You know what I mean? Totally.

It is so interesting the gift giving. Like I was on the other end of this. I feel like I'm often on the other end where I try to guess what someone, like with Jeff, I'll try to guess what he wants. And he's kind of like he knows what he wants. And if he wants it, he gets it for himself. So it's hard because I'm like trying to think of something that he would like. Like I bought him something also for Hanukkah.

And it's not going to be here in time. So I told him what it was. and he had kind of like a little bit of a lackluster reaction. And it's like I felt that pit in my stomach where I was like, I thought hard about this thing. I thought of something that you wouldn't do for yourself that like I didn't think you would do or like you couldn't just click, click, click and buy for yourself, which is most things, you know.

Right. So I was on the other end of that and he could tell that. that he didn't do the, he needed the AI advice as well. He didn't do the performance. Yes. And but yeah, then he came back. And he did the same thing. Then he came back like even, you know, it was like shortly before we went to bed,

we didn't really talk about it. And then the first thing in the morning, he was like, I'm really sorry. That was so thoughtful. Like I hope you didn't feel bad. Like he came back and kind of did repair after realizing that, you know, he did not do a good performance. Totally. initially. Okay. So I feel better that it's that Jeff has also had the same thing. And it's funny. It's like,

you do, because again, now I'm doing Christmas and you do kind of have to have like a performance face on. Because you open them and like when the part of like the Christmas thing is like you open the gifts that everyone got and everyone gets you a gift around them. So you have to like, you have to like quickly in your head find like three things that you like about the gift. Even if you like hate it and you're going to toss it. Like, oh, like this apron that's. says like espresso not depresso like I needed an apron like you have to like immediately like that you would never wear you have to like immediately like again like put on a show have a comment you have to have a positive comment totally yeah it's it's an interesting it really is interesting it's for the person giving and it's for the person receiving and it's like this attempt at connection it it's heavy in some ways like it's light but you do have to have that

And so after I had my initial like pang of annoyance that he didn't seem interested in a gift, like within a half an hour or an hour, I was kind of like, all right, that one was a loser. You know, like, I'm over it. You win some, you lose some. You win some, you lose some. So like he's going to get over it. I got over it. You try your best.

If it's not a hit, it's not a hit. You know, eventually everybody moves on. Right. But Christmas is all. the holidays are all about being mildly disappointed in everything that everyone is doing. But yeah, I think that was related. Again, we have stuff in here about gifts. But gifts do make, like, kind of do bring up weird emotions. There's a lot around it. And I'm kind of of the opinion, kind of like Jeff, like gifts are for kids who can't afford to bind their own things. Like,

if an adult really wants something, like maybe they should just get it the way they want it, the way they like it. Yeah. I mean, look, he, he does like a, good gift. The thought of something, you know, I think people like it, but they kind of want what they want. Like, he regretted it. He really did. He was, like, thinking about it.

Like, he should have been more thoughtful and, and, or just not, he should have just kind of fake the reaction. Right. A little bit. Because it's also, I think a lot of it has to do with expectation. Like, he knew there was a gift coming. So in his head, he's probably like imagining what could this gift be? And then when I told him, he was like, oh, that's not, well, I wasn't imagining that.

Totally. Like, like something else. Yeah. Expectations are like half of it. Like if you didn't expect anything and you got like a whatever gift versus, that's why I'm not that upset if someone gets me like an apron that I would never use. Because I'm like, oh, like, we're not that close. I didn't like any, I, like, I'm not expecting you to hit a home run here. But I think when it's like your partner, when you want something that feels like the person really knows you.

Yes. And it can be like that. And sometimes I think between partners, if I'm being honest, there's a little bit of like I want you to want what I think you should want. Like he has like a bit of a hat addiction. Like he really likes hats. And he has so many hats. And he would love it if I bought him another hat. Like he, I know that he.

would love it and it would be a hit no matter what but I'm like you don't need another hat I'm not buying you another hat I'm going to buy this other thing that I think you need right so sometimes there's that too like even with the kids anyone out there who's listening that has like tween daughters or teen daughters skincare for like 10 and 11 year olds and 12 year olds it's like crazy they want they want skin care even though they have their perfect skin year old skin. This isn't even like 16 year old acne skin. Like then I would get it. But like Maddie wanted this like $40 lip gloss. And I was like, I just out of principle, I cannot buy you a $40 lip gloss. Like I could get you a $5 lip gloss at CVS. That probably is exactly the same. So like she would love it

If I got that and it's like makes my skin crawl to think about buying her something. First of all, she has 17 lip glosses. The last thing she needs is another one. But that's the thing. Sometimes somebody wants what they want. Right. It's not what you think they should have. That's the thing.

That's why we're not good at getting gifts because we want to get the gift that the people. Right. That we want for the people, which is not really the point. Yes. That's a, that's very funny though. Yeah. It's crazy. It's a, it's tough art. It's an art.

I don't have it. I think honestly, the artist listen to what the person is telling you and just get it for them. Right. Because it's not about you. It's not about you. Yeah.

Well, let's get into our show. We have some, you know, some leftover Christmas angst stuff in here. So we can circle back to this conversation soon. But if you guys want to leave a voicemail, you can leave a voicemail at 646, 36. 362-994 or you can email oversharing at betches.com. Let's get into it. I'll read our first email, which is about being a stepmom. And I have to say we get a lot of stepmom emails with this exact

kind of question. So, and I don't have much experience in the stepmom space. So I'm excited to hear your take on this, not that you're a stepmom, but you have a stepmom. Yes. All right. Let's hear it. Let's do it. You're like, just get into it. Okay. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Auntie Jojo. I'm a benefit. That's so sweet.

I'm a benefit subscriber and I've loved over sharing from the start. Your insights fill my therapy cup between my biweekly sessions. And I'm immensely grateful for all that you two do. I'd love your advice on an issue I've been dealing with. How to manage my growing resentment towards my partner's parenting style, specifically his lack of discipline with his children. For some context, my boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. I'm 29, female, and he's 46 male.

He has two boys from a previous marriage, ages 10 and 12, with whom he shares 50-50 custody. He's been divorced for about seven-ish years. We've recently bought a house together and planned to get engaged in early 2025. Yay! However, I struggle with how he allows his kids to walk all over him. He's not a disciplinarian and tends to let them get away with a lot. For example, they often talk back, ignore requests to turn off video games or phones, and don't pick up after themselves.

I've tried discussing this with my boyfriend and his husband. his response is usually, I know, I know, I just get lazy slash tired of reprimanding them. While he's given me the agency to intervene, I don't feel comfortable doing so without his support and fear coming across is overbearing. Every day we have them feels like an internal battle for me, which I know isn't sustainable, especially if we get married or have children of our own. I sense that he may be experiencing lingering divorced dad guilt, which leads him to be lenient, as he doesn't want to be the strict parent, and he still feels remorseful about the separation from their mother. To cope, I often end up silently fuming as I clean the house.

I've tried introducing chore charts, offering allowances, and even rewards as incentives, but habits don't stick without dedicated reinforcement, and that's where my boyfriend falls short. In short, I'm struggling with feeling like I constantly have to bite my tongue in my own home. The situation has made me question our relationship because I don't think I can continue in this dynamic for the next decade or more. Despite all of this, I want to emphasize that I love these kids dearly and I want what's best for them. They're great kids. It's not their fault. My parents were very strict about chores and our attitudes, and I think that that's why I turned out to be so type A. Although I didn't enjoy doing chores at the time, I firmly believe that instilling good habits at a young age is important. My ultimate goal for them

is to find a balance between instilling the value of chores and respect for elders while ensuring that they have a fun and enjoyable childhood. Here are my questions. One, how can I prevent my resentment from turning into anger. Two, given your experience with step-parents, how can I navigate my relationship with the children without overstepping while also communicating to my boyfriend that this situation isn't okay? Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated. Apologies for the novel-length email, love, and evil stepmother batch.

All right. Great question. I agree a lot of people. It's a really tough space to navigate. Yeah. Because she's right. There is a lot of like these kids have already been through a divorce. you feel responsible.

And a lot of parents kind of want to be the fun parent. Right. Not the one who's like they don't like because they're asking them to do things and stuff. Right. Especially when you're the stepmom and you're already kind of trying to win them over, like get into their good graces. I mean, the dad doesn't want to feel that way. She especially doesn't want to feel that way because they're going to love

her no matter what. I mean, they're going to love him no matter what. That's their dad. She's, you know, it's sometimes there is a lot of tension between kids and a new stepmom. So her being the one doing it feels really uncomfortable. I can see that. I think sometimes what needs to happen is the two of them need to have a conversation about what, how much involvement he wants her to have in parenting so that she can pick a lane. Because I think her options are either going to create a plan together for how we collectively are going to discipline slash parent the kids, or you're going to be the one that's disciplining and parenting. And I'm going to just like accept that this is how you're doing it. And I'm not really going to be involved in a parenting role, which I think it's fine, whichever path you choose to take.

If you choose to take, you know, these kids are a little older already. They're 10 and 12. They're not little tiny babies. If you feel like it's going to make it worse for me to step in as a parental disciplinarian figure, great, you do it. But I'm also not going to be picking up after them. I'm not going to be cleaning up after. Like, that's the part that I feel like she can't do.

She can't, like, have no power in how they act, but then be expected to pick up the pieces and clean up and do the rest of it. of it. Right. I mean, I guess it's kind of like, but my only response or issue with that, I guess is like she's kind of like, I'm type A. I want to live in a clean house. Like I want to live in like a like I want to be able. And that's why she says like it has me questioning the relationship because she's like, I want to have a life that I want to live too. And and like even if I let you do all the parenting and then, but then maybe like the house is a mess. And then I'm just like here kind of freaking out because everything's disorganized and no one's listening. And even if like,

even if I take myself away from that role, I still have to live here. Right. So yeah, I think if if that's the option that the dad is going to take, he needs to be the one that's picking up the mess. Like he might not want to deal with the discipline. He might not want to deal with the bickering and the arguing, but then he's got to get up and clean up. Which I don't think, I mean, countless research studies have shown that chores are really good for kids. It's good for kids to do things that they don't feel like doing. So I don't think that's the ideal option, but she also can't force him into doing that. And he's got to choose. Would I rather just walk around the house picking up after them or would I rather enforce some rules and some chores? The part that she could

help him with if he does want to try to work on this he has guilt he doesn't feel like asking them for things is like creating this balance where something that's really helpful with parenting is giving a kid whatever it is and half an hour they say 20 minutes but you know these kids are a little bit older you know maybe a half an hour an hour even 20 minutes where you're doing you're paying attention to them. You're doing exactly what they want to do with them. You're focusing on them. You're giving them all the good stuff. Like everything that they want, not playing video games, but like interacting with them, the dad and the kids together. And then that way, you know that you're not just all you do is discipline them. All you're doing. Like that could alleviate some of his

guilt if he knows that he's like really giving them this quality time that he's having with them, then he can say, okay, and also you have to do these things. So he's like alleviating his guilt. He knows that he's being a good dad. He's paying attention to them. He's actively involved, doing fun things that you have to have the balance of like, I restore the relationship with whatever the kid likes. He wants to go outside and throw a football, like go outside and throw the football, even if you don't feel like it for that 20 minutes or that half hour. He likes to. He likes to to do Legos, like go, you know, get a Lego set and sit down and do the Lego set with him. And also, you have to, whatever.

Right. Unload the dishwasher or put your things away or. So that might make him feel better. But I think this is a great conversation where she can open up maybe the deeper stuff about why he's struggling to discipline them. And if it is guilt, which I agree, it probably is tolerating. That is the hardest part about parenting is tolerating. when your kids are not happy. Right. With you specifically, probably.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Totally. Tolerating when your kids are annoyed with you. And they know, especially at that age, how to say the things to push the buttons to get what they want. Right. So they might be actually even verbalizing some stuff that's like touching his wounds as a dad, you know.

Yeah. But I think if he's fueling the relationship with. with like good quality time, he can soothe himself by knowing like, okay, I am fueling this relationship by spending, you know, depending on the given day between 20 minutes and an hour a day of like really connecting with my kid and also knowing that chores are actually good for them. It's like you're not going to have let them not show up to school. You're not going to let them not do their homework. Chores are just as good for them as is showing up to school, doing homework, eating healthy, exercising, all the things that we do for our kids to make them,

right. And then, I mean, from experience having a stepmom, do you feel like there was a sense of like if she would try to enforce a rule or a thing where you kind of like fuck off? Because like it's. Yeah, probably. I think there was a time where I was kind of like, it doesn't matter what you do. Like, I'm just not going to like you that much. And I don't think her like giving me candies or letting me do whatever.

I wanted was going to make it better. Yeah, maybe the trying to discipline me would make me more angry or irritable. But I think if there was also that balance of like this person is trying to like connect with me or do nice things or have quality time, if I wasn't ready, I wasn't going to be ready no matter what she did. Right. But when I was ready, I think if as long as it's balanced and all the person's doing is you know, they're not just disciplining you and just telling you what to do all day. That,

I think, is more difficult. So she's finding herself, which she probably is in this role of all I do, is just keep trying to be like, hey, guys, let's look at the new chore chart I set up. Like, if, you know, if you take them to the trampoline park and, like, jump around with them for an hour and then or before or whatever, do the chore chart thing, that's, you know, know, different. And I don't mean just like letting them play video games. I mean like interacting with them and like participating in something that's fun for them. You know, right. Even older kids like it when their parents like play with them and interact with them and engage with them. So I think that can be just offset a little bit. So this is tough. I really do relate. And I agree. I don't

think she can go on like this, where he's, she's doing all of the picking up to make up for him, you know, what he wants. Yeah. I think it could be tough because it's like, I would understand as a step-parent, you're like, what's my place? Is my place to be like an additional bonus parent where I'm actually like, but then you could feel like, well, I need to be like invited to do that. I don't want to, and I need to be like backed up if I'm doing that. Yes. Or am I just like a friend who's around and just like an extra almost like friend of the family feeling. Right. Yeah.

And I think they have to like be intentional about that, the couple. Her and her boyfriend have to be intentional about what is her role and what does he expect. And I totally, I get his perspective that it's exhausting to continuously be reprimanding and disciplining and asking kids to do things. And we could do a whole episode on like how to do some of that. and how to best get kids to listen and do what you want them to do. But I think them just knowing what her expected role is is going to help. And she can't do it herself. That's not sustainable for her to be the one that's doing all that

and him to just be too lazy to want to upset the kids. So I think tolerating that they're upset, but then also later on in that day be like, oh, but they're also smiling ear to ear because we went out and played like a family game of basketball or all put a Lego set together or did something fun altogether will help alleviate some of that, you know? Right. The guilt of like, yeah, they begrudgingly grunting, you know, under their breath walking up the stairs to clean up their room.

Okay, fine. They can grunt and stomp, but they're going to do it. And that's just, you know, you have to enforce it. It's the same thing we talk about like tolerating your partners when your partner's not happy. or tolerating when your in-laws aren't happy? Or that's the hardest part of relationship. Is tolerating when someone that you love and care about, it's ingrained in us, like that's part of our,

the hugest part of our evolutionary biology interpersonally. It's like wanting other people to be pleased with us, including our kids. So it's hard to tolerate that. But yeah, you guys can do it. Some intentional conversation where you're like, what's my role here? We have to, they definitely have to be a team if they're going to do the disciplining together.

It can't just be her. I agree. I agree. All right. Well, good luck. Give it a shot. Give us an update. I want to hear it.

Yeah, for sure. All right. Let's do a betcha sis. Do you want to read this one? I will read this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I hope you both had very happy holidays. I love the pod and have listened from the very beginning.

You'll have such helpful perspectives while also maintaining humor, even in tough situations. I'm writing to you on Christmas evening, no less, about a struggle I've had the past two years with my husband's brother and his wife. They spend Christmas in our city and always bring a huge gift for our toddler's Christmas and birthday. His birthday is a week after Christmas, so they bring two gifts. While it's nice that they're so generous, they never ask what's appropriate slash okay, and it seems like they're constantly trying to give the best gift and outdo everyone else in the family, including my husband and I slash Santa. My husband and I have Santa give our toddler one big gift at Christmas each year,

plus some smaller stocking stuffers. Two years in a row now, my brother-in-law and sister-in-law have given our toddler the same exact big gift as Santa. This year, on top of the same Santa gift, they also gave him a $300 electronic ride-on car, something that my husband and I have discussed that we would never get because we live off a busy road and don't feel like it's. would be safe. They think it's hilarious that they always give the same gift as Santa, and they

openly brag about giving our toddler the best gift each year. While it's nice that they want to be so generous, I'm so frustrated that I feel like we're being one-uped with our own kid. Is it wrong of me that I don't want them to outdo Santa every year? I just wish they would check with us before getting a huge gift, especially with stuff that we may not allow our kids to have. Is this something I should address with my sister-in-law, who's probably the one actually buying the gifts, or my husband should address with his brother? Or is it rude to say anything because these are gifts? I would love any insights y'all have sincerely blue Christmas. I like this one. I thought it was a tough one, actually, ethically. Because like, and I mean, we've talked, we just talked about this. Like,

gifts are like a little psychological and they can be irritating, even if they're done with, like, great intentions. Yes. Yeah, and it's hard with kids. I think there is this feeling, and I've, I know a lot of people that have had this with their in-laws giving their children gifts, which is like they give a gift that they don't really approve of or they don't check or they buy like some enormous stuffed animal that's just going to take up a bunch of space in their house or some big play set or just something that they don't, that's going to be. invasive in your space in some way. That's so thoughtful and they just want like the biggest, you know, they just want to see

that kid smile and give them like the biggest best gift. But ultimately the parents are the ones that have to kind of deal with it, like this ride on car that now the kids probably like dying to get on and they have to say no to it. So the gift ends up being like actually something that's. that's unpleasant for the parents. Right. And then there's the other aspect, I think, also here of like the one-upping, which I thought was interesting of like,

you get to come in and be the hero for this kid. And it's like, your parents should get them. Like, you know what I mean? And like they want to be the ones to make the kid. Have that smile. And then also, I think they're probably annoyed because they're like, they don't even know this kid is from, this gift is from us.

They think it's from Santa. They don't even know. Right. Yeah. No, I really get this. So the question is, what do you do? Right. Can you say something or do you just have to, what are your options?

One option is you take the gift. Let's say it's, you know, you take the gift. You say you're not allowed to use this gift or, you know, we'll save this for when you're a little bit older and you put it away. If it's the same exact gift, then. And it's kind of like, what are you supposed to do with the second one? Now you almost don't even have a gift unless you're going to give the kid the same exact gift. So I get it. It's like then Christmas morning comes and you were so excited and now you basically have no gift to give.

Right. So I do think that you can, one option I thought would be like a little bit of a passive option moving forward is just to text them both on like a group chat, the brother-in-law and. the sister-in-law, went next year. When you decide what your gift is, and you're like, yes, this is what we're getting, Tommy, for Christmas. Just want to let you know because it's so crazy that you happen to have gotten him the same thing in the last two years.

So just get ahead of it instead of being like, hey, next time please check with me. Just let them know what you're getting. But I also don't think it's crazy to say, hey, probably a good idea to just coordinate since we tend to think alike about gifts for Tommy. Right.

That part, totally. I think that's like the easy part of like, okay, we're going to make sure we don't get the same gift. I think it kind of, it annoys her that they're spending so much on the gift. And that I don't know. That's the part where I was like, I don't know how you can tell someone to like buy a

tone it down. Like a cheaper gift so that it makes you feel better. I mean, it's a very vulnerable thing to say is like when you get these gifts that are, the same as my gifts, like it kind of makes me feel like I didn't do enough or, you know, like that's like a real conversation. If I don't know if they're on that level. Yes.

If you're on that level, it's interesting. I don't know if they have kids also, but I think anyone could probably relate. No matter what level of gift giving, you know, how much you're spending. If you're, you know, even if you're spending $50 and they're spending $100, it's still feels kind of like someone's outdoing you when you want to have that wow moment with your kid, they're having that wow moment with somebody else. So I agree. I think if you're on that level, you can be super vulnerable and just say that to them and maybe they would understand it. Or the other option is you accept that your kid is going to be the most excited, perhaps, with a gift that's given by

somebody else. And it's a tough pill to swallow. I get it doesn't feel great, but I'm sure kids have short memories. Like they got this gift, Christmas Eve. He's going to be really excited. Would he be excited to get the same exact gift Christmas morning? No, probably not. But as long as you're not giving the same gift, by Christmas morning, whatever you give him, I'm sure he's going to love. He's going to open it up. He's going to be excited. You're the one that's measuring who's if he was more excited the night before or the morning after. Like, he's not thinking about that. Your child. It's just realizing, yay, got a really good gift, got a good gift the next morning too. So I do think it might be on you to just say, he's getting showered with gifts. He's getting showered with love.

If you can't be vulnerable in that way, I think you're good. You have no other choice. But to say, all right, he's getting some good stuff. We don't have to be the ones that get him the best thing. Yeah. And that's probably, if you're thinking about, like, parenting, doing what's best for your kid. Not that, like, what's best is them getting the biggest, the nicest gifts ever. But it is like, okay, they get like a cool, they get like a really cool gift every year that you don't have to buy them. And it makes them happy. And it almost like feels weird to be like, buy cheaper stuff. Like, because it's for me. But it's just so funny. It just goes to show that gift giving really is about the giver more than it is the receiver. That's kind of the theme here. It sounds like. Yeah. And, and it's, and it. it's tough with kids. I mean, I've had this with my mother-in-law because she gives really, really good gifts. And I'm a little bit more frugal with like the type of thing where I'm not going to buy the $40 lip gloss because I just think it's ridiculous. And she will buy the $40 lip gloss. So I've had to just accept and I've been in this longer and I've just had to accept that I'm not going to be the one probably to give the wow gift on the holidays.

or the birthday. And it's, it's, sometimes it's not fun. Um, the other thing you can do that might make you feel better is like maybe get a little involved in it instead, you know, if you can't beat them, join them kind of thing. Right. Like, all right, you know, they're going to go crazy and you could be like, oh, you know, like you guys always get the best gifts. Like, what are you thinking this year? I know he would love this or maybe he would love that and just feel like maybe you're a part of it in some way. Yeah. That might make you feel a little bit. bit better. So I think of a few options. The vulnerability route is interesting. That's a, that's a tough one. I like the idea if you can go there. I think it was her own sister, probably

her own brother. Maybe that would probably be easier. I think your brother's brother, your brother's brother's wife might be tougher for that one. I don't know. I wonder how the, how the husband feels. Maybe he could be the one to say, hey, we can't really afford to buy like a $300 gift. And I'm so thankful that you do. that and we love that you do that, but it does end up making us feel like a little bit sad that we wish we could give him like the biggest gift of his birthday. But ultimately, I do think it's also okay for you to tolerate because this might happen going forward with anything, right? Lucky kid. Yeah, not so bad. But I totally, I relate. I get it. I think a lot of people

have this issue with their in-laws, whether it's a toy that they don't want their kids to have, I've had that where, you know, someone buys something for them that just is like, I have to, it has to be put together. It takes up a lot of space that I can't really find a spot for it. My house, I end up being resentful. And then there's this guilt around like, why am I feeling upset about this really super wonderful, generous, nice thing that somebody did for me or for my kids? So it feels doubly bad because you feel bad and then you feel bad for feeling bad. Yes. It's the gift getter that's the victim.

I agree with that. Justice for gift receivers. All right. Let's do some intentions. Okay. Okay. Hello, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm needing an intention for when my one-year-old gets fussy.

I tend to have a short temper and I do not have any patience for her and I don't like that I am this way. It's not all the time, but when I'm feeling down or stressed, I notice that's when I have the least patience and I feel bad for her. I was like go from my job about four months ago and my partner and I have decided for me to stay home with. her. For the most part, I've come to terms that I'm a stay-at-home mom now, but sometimes it gets to me being home all day. I also run my small baking business, but it's been very, very slow, and that's been stressing me out as well. We've had to change our lifestyle and I've applied to numerous jobs before we decided I'd stay home, kind of more of a default. What can I do during these situations to help keep me calm and not take it out on my baby? Yeah, I really like this question, too,

because I think there's a culture, especially social media, and just in general, where it feels like you're supposed to have like the most loving, warm feelings to your kids every second of every day. Or like if you, it sounds like, and she's giving us all this background, she wasn't planning on being a stay at home mom. And now she is. And there's a lot of processing around that. And maybe there is a little bit. if she's being honest of like resentment at times first of all fussy babies are just annoying in general and hard to deal with but with maybe a little layer of I'm a little resentful because I didn't this wasn't how I had planned my life to go I wasn't supposed to be home with this baby

24 seven right and I do think that like being a stay-at-home mom as a default thing is not necessarily in the way that you wouldn't pick any career kind of just like, or it wouldn't feel good to pick any career sort of just like you fell into it and you don't necessarily really like it. And again, I agree with you. Like there's this mentality of like,

a lot of women might feel like, oh, I get to stay home and hang out with my baby all day. But a lot of people, I would say most people that I've spoken to that are new moms, like do not or would not enjoy that. Yes. Yeah. And look, some people do.

And that's, you know, that's a personal choice, but I think she wasn't planning on this. And now she's, she's stressed out. She's overwhelmed. This wasn't how she planned it. It's a lot. It's lonely. It feels like you're the only one all day of no real adult contact. I totally get how she's feeling. And then when a baby is fussing and you feel like there's nothing you can do to make it better, that stress on top of stresses she's already having can be really overwhelming. And then you have this energy, like physical, emotional energy of tense, tension, irritation, and it does not feel good to be around a baby when you're feeling that way.

So I really validate these feelings. and, you know, what I recommend to patients a lot, and I've done myself too, which feels hard sometimes, is it's really important to have, like, a safe space, even if it's just a crib, where you can put the baby down, know that they're going to be safe and, like, take a break and step away. Even, like we just talked about, they're crying as long as you know that they're safe and they have a nice fresh diaper and they're fed and whatever it is, put them down and like step out of the room and deal with your own emotions and your own feelings that are coming up in that moment. Because if you don't, you're just going to hold that tension. The baby's going to continue to feel your tension, which is going to make them

even less easily consoled. Right. I totally agree with that. That sounds like a great, like literally extremely practical way to deal in the moment. And then I think, like, if she zooms out a little bit on just, like, just because she's agreed to do this, like, stay-at-home mom thing, now, like, it doesn't mean that she needs to say that this is what I'm going to do forever. And maybe that's probably also part of her anxiety and her stress is feeling like, okay, I'm in this life now that we've decided is going to be my life. Like, it doesn't, it could be that way for now.

it doesn't have to be that way always. Right. Yes. I do think you're probably right. That's a big part of it is like, is this the rest of my life just sitting in this house with this screaming baby? Like in that moment. That's probably like not seeing the impermanence of that moment and feeling like, wow,

this is now my whole life. So yeah, playing that forward and realizing if you want it badly enough, keep at it. you'll find something that you can do where you can earn enough money to, you know, get some child care and have your own career back or, you know, do what you have to do. So I would not lose hope, but I do think in the moment of that. Right. It's, I've had to do that many times as a mom is leave like a screaming baby in a crib, safe and sound, clean and fed and just go into another room.

recognize like where that emotion is in my body and create that space. The one benefit of being a stay-at-home mom is that you can go into your room and like cry on your bed whenever you want. Yeah, harder to do in office. Yes. You're not in an office. You don't have to like put on a face and be professional. You can put your baby down and just literally like relax into whatever that emotion is, like not trying to stuff it down or push it away or like, you know, I think she has a lot of emotions that need to come up. And obviously, you know, maybe going to therapy or talking to your husband or writing in a journal. Like, it's okay to feel how you feel and it's going to hit you out of nowhere, especially when you have that screaming baby sound in your ear for a long time.

So yeah, I think it's, you know, the intention that I wrote for her is I'm allowed to take space. from my baby. Watch my physical feelings, relax into them, and allow them to flow up and out. So whatever that impation energy is, that needs to come up and out. And that might be a cry, that might be a scream. That might be, you know, whatever it is that she needs in that moment where you relax into it and just let it do its thing, whatever that energy is. It's hard to do that when you're holding a baby. That's like, especially if she's squirmy or flailing or it's very hard. Yeah. To deal with your own emotions when you have this vulnerable little being that needs to be cared for. So put her down. She'll be fine. Babies don't die from crying. Take care of yourself. And then you'll come back

with a little bit of a more cleansed energy and let let it out. Like, I'm like, yeah. You know, no one's home. The baby's crying, cry. Like, cry with her, you know, like, have a big family cry. Get it out because you'll release that energy. You'll come back, I think, with a much more calm energy. Great advice. I love it. Let's do some triggers. You ready? All right. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, huge fan of the pod in all things, Betches. I'll jump right in. How trigger can I be that I didn't receive a secret Santa gift? I just. I just, started a new teaching job and have been struggling to make friends, so I thought participating in Secret Santa would be a great idea. I got a coworker I've never spoken to, but was able to buy gifts to get creatively delivered to her for each day of the week leading up to Friday's big reveal. The rules of the Secret Santa was to either give little gifts throughout the week or one big gift on Friday, and I didn't get any gifts or hints throughout the week, so I assumed I got someone

who was saving it for Friday. Friday comes, I gave her the last gift at the holiday, and I gave her the last gift at the holiday breakfast, and it gave me all the feels. But as I was sitting and waiting for my reveal, no one came. For the whole day, I anticipated someone coming and unveiling themselves, but nothing. Now I'm angrily writing this in my car in the school parking lot. I'm assuming maybe the paper with my name fell out of the bag, or the person has been out sick all week and I just haven't noticed. Not sure what happened, but I feel so disappointed and mad. The cap for the gift was $25, so I wasn't expecting an Apple Watch, but it just made me feel more isolated in my new job. How triggered can I be? Yeah, this is like annoying. I could see being annoyed. But it doesn't sound, I mean, unless there's

someone out there who got her name and was like not doing this, which seems weird for a group of teachers to do. Like, I would assume like she did that like there was some sort of error. Something went wrong. But I do get why this is triggering because she says like she's trying to make friends. Right. You know, so like she's she was excitedly, it's almost like the roller coaster of emotions. Like she was excitedly doing this, like thinking she was connecting. And look, she still got to connect with her secret Santa person. I hope that that went well and that this person who sounds like she put a lot of effort into it and made it really fun and like brightened this person's week and made that friend connection.

But I can see how it feels like she was kind of anticipating this, you know, someone like making the effort to connect with her. I think that's what she was looking for. Like, I'm making this effort to connect with this other person. No one was out there thinking about me. So I could see why this was triggering. And I get it. It's like you're putting all, Secret Santa's fun for that reason.

And you're like, oh, I'm thinking about this person. And there's someone out there that's, like, thinking about me. Right. And then is she supposed to, like, say something to, like, to who? Like, what is, like, I get what she's like, I'm annoyed. I have no outlet for this. If I complain, that's also weird. Yes.

Like, it is weird to go around. Be like, I didn't get a secret Santa, you know? Right. It's like, well, what are we supposed to do about it now? It's too late. Right. It's over. It's too late. If I were her, I would focus on the positive in the situation is that you could have gotten a

secret Santa gift that you really didn't. like it all. And then you have to consult Google. About respond. Yes. Like a robot. Yes. So you didn't have to do the fake I love it thing. That is one silver lining.

But yeah. It's annoying. It's annoying. And what's really annoying is there's going to be no justice. You're not getting one. It's over. There's nothing you can do about it. I think you can,

casually mention it, like, oh, I must have gotten, my name must have gotten lost. I didn't get once. It's kind of a bummer. I think if you feel like saying that to somebody, I'm sure other people would feel badly. I would feel badly. I would feel badly. You know, I would be like, oh, my God, what a loser. She's complaining. Yeah. If someone asked, like, what you got, you could say, oh, I guess like they must have something must have. I actually didn't get anything. Right. Yeah. It is a bummer. I get it. This gift thing is really because there is an expectation, right? The joy of giving, she got that. But there was an expectation of like that moment where she was going to get something. And it's not, she knows it's not about the gift. Like what are you going to get for $25? There's nothing going to be life changing. But it's just the idea that somebody was thinking of her, maybe trying to get to know her. a little bit. You know, sometimes you'll write a list of like things that you like or don't like. Yeah, disappointing. I'll give her for sure. I'll give her that. But again, she says it's $25.

Like, it's like annoying. But I guess because she's new there, I'll give it like a five. Yeah, I was going to say five. I think if she was like all involved and she had a ton of friends, this would be like, oh, bummer, like a two. I didn't get anything. I can complain to everybody or like I can mention it to everybody because like I'm in and they're not going to judge me that I'm like, you know, oh, how crazy I didn't get one. Oh my gosh, I can't believe it. You didn't get one.

Like that's so, I think it's hard to do that when you're not like in and you're not. Right. You're not friendly with everyone. Otherwise it could be like a funny joke that you didn't get a secret Santa. now it's just this thing that you're privately stewing about by yourself. Right. Yeah. But I would let go of the anger. I don't think you need, like it. More like, disappointing, I guess. But I don't know, maybe she's angry at someone who organized it that they didn't realize or whatever. Yeah, I think if she's digging deeper, she feels like lonely there, you know? And I think maybe this could just serve for you as a sign that the Secret Santa thing wasn't the thing that's going to connect.

you it doesn't sound like and maybe you can it's going to push you to realize okay i really want this so maybe i need to this is a sign that i need to do more to like have more connections at work right so maybe ask somebody for you know if they want to go out for call i guess if you're a teacher you can't really go out for coffee but like if they want to get together for a drink after work one day like this is your sign that you're seeking connection at work it's not about the secret santa So maybe that's just a way to say, all right, I'm going to push forward and like make a little more effort to make friends here. Agreed. So five.

Yeah. All right. Let's do another one. I'll read it. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm a newly, I'm newly sober from alcohol. My anniversary is August 25th, 2024.

Unfortunately, I live with my parents and my dad is a nightly drinker while my mom drinks a few nights a week. It's just us three and our dogs at home when my brother's. is off at college, so needless to say, I can get a bit lonely on nights when they're both drinking. The one thing I've noticed is that my mom will use the cranberry grape juice I buy for my kava drinks to mix with her alcoholic beverages. Is it just me or is it wrong for my mom to use the cranberry juice that I buy for my kava drinks as a mixer for her alcoholic beverages?

I told her it's kind of triggering for me. My mom also said she should be able to have a drink in her own house. Shouldn't I have the right to feel comfortable and not completely alone in my own home as well? I hate living in a house with drinkers in it. Do I have a right to feel triggered by all of this? How should I approach this? Yeah, this is hard because it feels like your parents are supposed to be the ones that, like, prioritize your health, like, over anything, ideally, right?

They're like, okay, obviously, I'm sure that there's some stuff that led to her becoming sober that weren't good for her, that were, like, unhealthy. and it sounds like her parents are not being helpful in her sobriety, which is really triggering. But at some point, maybe she'll live with roommates or friends or other people. Alcohol is just everywhere. So she is going to have to confront this, but I totally, I really do get it's like she's trying to make these healthy drinks and then her parents are like taking her ingredients and using them for alcohol.

I get that. That's really frustrating. They're actually making it worse. And I wonder if she's tried explaining that to her mom. Like, even, maybe the part, even, I guess, like, it sounds like she's triggered by them drinking generally, probably. But then, like, them taking something that she's using for trying to, like, help herself, like, feel like she's having a drink. I don't know what a kaba drink is. I assume that's sort of what that is.

Something that she's using. it sort of feels like they're actively detracting from it. But on the other hand, I also feel like maybe the parents are like, all right, sounds like she graduated college. Like, we're kind of doing her a favor by living here. Like, shouldn't we be able to do whatever we want in our own house? But I think if she explained it to her mom, like it's not about the drink. It's just kind of like when I go, when I want to drink really badly and then I can

and then I try to make my own alternative drink and it's gone, it makes me like, it makes it so much harder for me to stay sober. Yes. Yeah, it's, I agree maybe a second shot at explaining this to her might be helpful, but it just, I think the hardest part about this is it doesn't sound like her parents are prioritizing her recovery, which this is this is more common than you think because a lot of times addiction runs in families. So when you're one person and a family of people that are struggling with addiction, it's really hard. And I think you have to look at it as if they're not able to do this for you, they're probably struggling in their own way. Right. Maybe not the way that you were, perhaps, or maybe they are. But like, if they can't find a way to drink when you're not around or when you're not home

or not in front of your face and certainly not taking your drinks, I think a kava drink is like a, it's like an alternative to an alcoholic beverage. Like it's supposed to, it's no alcohol, but it's supposed to make you feel like, I figured, right. I'm sure those aren't the cheapest things in the world either. I don't know exactly what it is. But like you're buying that for yourself. It's almost as if there might be a feeling of like them trying to sabotage your recovery in some ways.

Right. And maybe, again, I think this happens a lot with someone who's sober in a group of people who are drinkers and newly sober maybe ish. sounds like it's been a year, is like you do kind of, someone else's sobriety can make you feel like it's almost an attack on your way of life. Like by you saying,

I'm not going to drink anymore, and I still drink, you're kind of implying that I'm doing it wrong. Yes. So I could see her parents probably feeling like that on some level conscious or unconscious. Yes, totally. And that's a tough feeling because it does,

you know, those are your parents. thing if it's your roommate or a friend even. So I think there's probably more to this in terms of how her parents have played into her addiction and how they're continuing to do that. And maybe it might make you feel less angry and a little bit more of like empathy for them that they might just be struggling with their own addiction and maybe a little like jealous or a little bit resentful or that they feel like they. They don't have, you know, that willpower that you do to make that change. So, you know, they're in some ways, like, working against you, which doesn't feel good.

And I think if this is something that you do think is going to sabotage your recovery and this is something that's important, then this could help you maybe get more, you know, intense about whatever the goal is that you need to work on to get your own space, which I don't know where she's. at if she's still in school or what's going on, but I think this can help you feel like, all right, I kind of need to, you know, create an intention that I need to get out of this living arrangement if it's not going to be healthy for you. Even if it takes a few years to save up money or get it, you know, move up in some way, I think that would be helpful. But in the meantime, maybe just looking at it as like, this is more of a reflection on them than it is on you. Irritated, validated, triggering. I definitely, I feel like there are parents that would just give anything to have their kids get sober when they need to get sober.

Right. That would pay, you know, hundreds or tens of thousands of dollars to get their kids to go to recovery and, I mean, to go to rehab and get in recovery and do the right thing. And so, and here your parents are kind of sabotaging you. So, yeah, this doesn't feel good. Because it's the parents, and I know she's going to have to deal with people drinking in her life. So we can't say, like, you're never going to be around people that drink again. But because it's her parents, I'm going to give this like a seven. I would agree.

I think that's a good one. You should get a huge piece of paper and label it for Amy's sober drinks, whatever your name is. Put it on the cranberry juice and see if they still feel weird. taking that. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. I agree. You could try another conversation, maybe a more vulnerable conversation. If after a second conversation doesn't work, then I think you're just going to have to change your perspective that like what you said, I think is right, that maybe there's a part of them that feels judged and is subconsciously, you know, kind of not being supportive of this recovery journey. Agreed. All right. Well, good luck. This is a,

That's amazing to have a year of sobriety or over a year at this point. So good job. Good job. Keep it up. All right. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Rebecca Steinberg.

Editing by Will Maxwell. Guest booking by Ali Friedlander. Be sure to follow us on Instagram and everything's fine. And send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches. Thank you.